It could be worse (and why that's not helping)

Certain phrases spark unbridled anger. For me, that's "it could be worse." Instead of staying upset about it, I'm taking a deeper look at why this phrase gets under my skin and why I think it's time we take this phrase out of our vocabulary.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
Hello.
Hello.
Welcome back to Solitary Creature.
I'm Steph, and I'm documenting the ups and downs of my self growth journey towards living a more mindful, intentional, and fulfilling life.
Last week when I was talking about body image and weight loss, there was a saying that I talked about hating it could be worse.

(00:23):
I just couldn't get this phrase out of my head this week, and I was really curious why it bothers me so much.
I have such a visceral reaction to it.
It makes me angry.
It makes me frustrated almost instantly, even out of context.
Just the saying itself strikes such a deep chord with me, and I couldn't figure out why that is.
People say it all the time at work, among my friend and family.

(00:46):
So I've been trying to figure out where this reaction comes from.
I'm trying to be better about really examining my behavior and my reactions to things, just really paying more attention to them.
Especially when they are recurring reactions because some of them are harmless, but I fear others might be holding me back or stunting my growth because I've just become so used to having that reaction that I take for granted why I have that reaction in the first place.

(01:12):
Because the saying fills me with so much anger and frustration, and because I'm really trying hard to work on my anger, I thought this would be a good one to talk about.
So first off, why am I so angry? Anger is a really strange emotion for me because I've felt all sorts of shades of anger in my life.
Of course, frustration, disappointment, but it's only in the last few years that I really. 18 00:01:36,441.666666667 --> 00:01:45,981.66666667 I've been feeling what I would call rage, like true rage, not a hyperbolic melodramatic, where I'm calling simple frustration rage. 19 00:01:46,11.66666667 --> 00:01:48,321.66666667 I'm talking pure, unadulterated rage. 20 00:01:48,321.66666667 --> 00:01:53,271.66666667 Like when I literally see red, my vision blurs, my body becomes hot. 21 00:01:53,456.66666667 --> 00:02:00,116.66666667 I feel like my eyes could pop outta my head, and I reach a point where I'm not sure I can control my actions and I need. 22 00:02:02,877.80045351 --> 00:02:07,347.80045351 But sometimes violent outbursts to get it outta my system, even just a tiny bit. 23 00:02:07,347.80045351 --> 00:02:11,37.80045351 And when that happens, I almost immediately start crying. 24 00:02:11,487.80045351 --> 00:02:12,507.80045351 Partly from shame. 25 00:02:12,867.80045351 --> 00:02:14,307.80045351 Partly from embarrassment. 26 00:02:14,307.80045351 --> 00:02:16,257.80045351 It's not a temper tantrum. 27 00:02:16,467.80045351 --> 00:02:23,817.80045351 I literally feel like a cartoon character with steam coming outta my ears and my body turns into a bottle rocket. 28 00:02:23,817.80045351 --> 00:02:26,667.80045351 I know my rage and anger started. 29 00:02:26,667.80045351 --> 00:02:31,197.80045351 Building about a year or two ago, maybe even a little longer. 30 00:02:31,197.80045351 --> 00:02:36,837.80045351 But a lot of it has started with my relationships and particularly the relationship I was in at the time. 31 00:02:36,887.80045351 --> 00:02:43,127.80045351 Being lied to feeling used, feeling taken for granted, and feeling like you're not getting any of your needs met. 32 00:02:43,277.80045351 --> 00:02:43,997.80045351 We'll do that. 33 00:02:44,447.80045351 --> 00:02:52,347.80045351 It made me start to question why this person wanted to be with me, and then why was I putting up with it and giving chance after chance. 34 00:02:52,347.80045351 --> 00:02:56,817.80045351 Which then caused me to be angry at myself, not just at this other person. 35 00:02:57,87.80045351 --> 00:03:03,87.80045351 And my friends and family started calling attention to the choices I was making, and that made me embarrassed and I felt stupid. 36 00:03:03,417.80045351 --> 00:03:08,877.80045351 So then my anger just grew and grew, my resentments festered into anger. 37 00:03:09,237.80045351 --> 00:03:15,237.80045351 It's not that I've never felt anger before, but my anger and frustrations used to feel. 38 00:03:15,897.80045351 --> 00:03:19,467.80045351 More momentary and very specific to something. 39 00:03:20,7.80045351 --> 00:03:25,227.80045351 But now my anger has evolved into something that is more constant. 40 00:03:25,377.80045351 --> 00:03:27,207.80045351 My anger is more persistent. 41 00:03:27,927.80045351 --> 00:03:32,937.80045351 It's become a real problem, and I feel like I'm always a little bit on edge. 42 00:03:33,177.80045351 --> 00:03:37,47.80045351 It's like my anger is riding sidecar to my life. 43 00:03:37,47.80045351 --> 00:03:38,547.80045351 It's never not close by. 44 00:03:38,637.80045351 --> 00:03:40,77.80045351 It's always within reach. 45 00:03:40,77.80045351 --> 00:03:44,907.80045351 It is the emotion that I feel the the most proximity to. 46 00:03:45,297.80045351 --> 00:03:51,57.80045351 So it's become the emotion that I almost always dive into as soon as something happens to me. 47 00:03:51,57.80045351 --> 00:04:03,377.80045351 Whatever it is, I feel anger before I feel almost anything else, which is a really scary and uncomfortable position to be in for someone who has never thought of themselves as an angry person. 48 00:04:03,377.80045351 --> 00:04:08,747.80045351 It's just the anger is, it's always at my fingertips and anything can set me off. 49 00:04:09,17.80045351 --> 00:04:16,672.80045351 And the worst part is that because I'm not great at speaking up for myself all the time. 50 00:04:17,567.80045351 --> 00:04:25,847.80045351 Um, I'd keep this anger in and would build and build, and I finally explode, but nothing would really change. 51 00:04:25,847.80045351 --> 00:04:30,137.80045351 This whole anger cycle starts right back up until I explode again. 52 00:04:30,257.80045351 --> 00:04:34,517.80045351 And then the explosions became so much more frequent because nothing was ever getting resolved. 53 00:04:34,547.80045351 --> 00:04:43,7.80045351 There was all this residual anger, so it would just keep spilling over sooner and sooner and sooner until I was just angry all the time. 54 00:04:43,967.80045351 --> 00:04:46,187.80045351 And so I'm still angry a lot of the time. 55 00:04:46,187.80045351 --> 00:05:00,107.80045351 I'm a tightly wound person regardless, so I feel like I'm a, I'm a great breeding ground for anger, and because I have so much un result anger bubbling under the surface, it really doesn't take much to set me off. 56 00:05:00,107.80045351 --> 00:05:06,137.80045351 Now, my reactions and anger are hugely disproportionate to the trigger. 57 00:05:06,767.80045351 --> 00:05:10,247.80045351 Um, my anger is, my anger is just so. 58 00:05:10,247.80045351 --> 00:05:11,267.80045351 Unregulated. 59 00:05:12,47.80045351 --> 00:05:16,637.80045351 I just, it feels like my anger controls me and I don't control it. 60 00:05:16,637.80045351 --> 00:05:17,987.80045351 I know when it's gonna pop up. 61 00:05:17,987.80045351 --> 00:05:26,237.80045351 But yeah, I'm always still surprised when it shows up and I don't know how to resolve and work through some of the anger that I have. 62 00:05:27,17.80045351 --> 00:05:32,507.80045351 And I don't know, I just feel like my resentments and anger. 63 00:05:32,792.80045351 --> 00:05:38,912.80045351 I have completely rewired my brain and commandeered my emotional response system. 64 00:05:40,382.80045351 --> 00:05:58,202.80045351 It's so embedded into my everyday existence Now, as a result, my patience is razor thin, and I used to be the most patient person on the planet patient and diplomatic used to be how people would always describe me, like bosses, friends. 65 00:05:58,202.80045351 --> 00:06:00,242.80045351 Those were two words that like always came up. 66 00:06:00,242.80045351 --> 00:06:03,512.80045351 But I feel like I am a completely different person now. 67 00:06:03,572.80045351 --> 00:06:06,422.80045351 I don't recognize this angry person. 68 00:06:07,172.80045351 --> 00:06:15,492.80045351 Anger is such a foreign emotion to me because it's not really one of the feelings that I would, um, gravitate towards. 69 00:06:15,942.80045351 --> 00:06:16,902.80045351 Most frequently. 70 00:06:16,902.80045351 --> 00:06:23,682.80045351 So anger has transformed me in the worst ways, and I'm having a hard time letting it go. 71 00:06:23,742.80045351 --> 00:06:29,892.80045351 Like I, I never realized how difficult it was to work through anger and to work through resentment. 72 00:06:29,892.80045351 --> 00:06:36,432.80045351 And that once anger is there and it's very prevalent, it's really easy. 73 00:06:36,432.80045351 --> 00:06:44,682.80045351 It just kinda like multiplies like a virus So when I hear it could be worse, I literally wanna smash the person's face in. 74 00:06:45,12.80045351 --> 00:07:00,432.80045351 So I know anger is definitely at work there, but why does it bother me so much? How can a commonplace everyday saying that it's used so often that it's almost lost all meaning trigger my anger so easily. 75 00:07:00,432.80045351 --> 00:07:07,32.80045351 The first reason it bothers me is because it's dismissive, right? I know it's supposed to feel like a silver lining. 76 00:07:07,32.80045351 --> 00:07:15,672.80045351 That helps put my situation in perspective, but it just feels really dismissive and my feelings have been dismissed my entire life. 77 00:07:16,62.80045351 --> 00:07:19,32.80045351 My mom used to say to me all the time, you're just too sensitive. 78 00:07:20,82.80045351 --> 00:07:22,422.80045351 Being too sensitive and it could be worse. 79 00:07:22,452.80045351 --> 00:07:24,852.80045351 Feel like cousins. 80 00:07:25,122.80045351 --> 00:07:29,52.80045351 It invalidates me and my experience and my feelings. 81 00:07:29,102.80045351 --> 00:07:34,652.80045351 When someone says it to me, it feels like what they're really saying is your feelings don't matter. 82 00:07:35,12.80045351 --> 00:07:36,152.80045351 Someone else's does. 83 00:07:36,152.80045351 --> 00:07:38,162.80045351 Even if that's not what they mean by it. 84 00:07:38,342.80045351 --> 00:07:39,932.80045351 That's what I'm hearing. 85 00:07:39,932.80045351 --> 00:07:49,352.80045351 Being too sensitive is another saying that has completely ruined me because I think it has helped shape me into being a people pleaser. 86 00:07:49,712.80045351 --> 00:07:56,132.80045351 It's taught me to always put my emotions on the back burner and then I shouldn't trust my emotions or gut feeling because I'm too sensitive. 87 00:07:56,132.80045351 --> 00:08:00,122.80045351 So when I'm feeling might just be an overreaction, it's taught me to. 88 00:08:00,717.80045351 --> 00:08:08,877.80045351 Trust what other people tell me about my feelings more and to value how they interpret my feelings more than I value. 89 00:08:09,812.80045351 --> 00:08:16,862.80045351 My own interpretation of my feelings, it's made me feel like I have too many emotions, so I tamp them down. 90 00:08:17,732.80045351 --> 00:08:26,702.80045351 I wouldn't speak up for myself because someone's just going to tell me that I'm too sensitive anyway, so why bother? So I didn't speak up in relationships when. 91 00:08:26,702.80045351 --> 00:08:31,592.80045351 Say any of my exes didn't pull their weight when I thought they were making bad decisions. 92 00:08:31,592.80045351 --> 00:08:38,672.80045351 And when I did talk about my feelings or what I thought, it was so foreign to me that I don't think I was really making sense. 93 00:08:38,672.80045351 --> 00:08:40,652.80045351 I don't think I was articulating myself well. 94 00:08:41,132.80045351 --> 00:08:45,962.80045351 I think I would put my foot in my mouth, um, because I wasn't really used to talking about. 95 00:08:45,962.80045351 --> 00:08:46,502.80045351 My emotions. 96 00:08:46,502.80045351 --> 00:08:55,412.80045351 I was used to thinking about my emotions, but I, I'm really not great at speaking my mind and speaking my peace to someone's face in the moment. 97 00:08:55,462.80045351 --> 00:09:01,252.80045351 I was so caught up in thinking what other people think of my feelings and what I'm saying that I wasn't asking myself. 98 00:09:01,252.80045351 --> 00:09:12,72.80045351 Okay, but is what I'm saying, accurate to how I'm feeling? Am am I justified in feeling this way? Instead, it would just all be about, am I making sense? Does this person get it? It, it was like. 99 00:09:12,972.80045351 --> 00:09:25,992.80045351 Am I putting too much on 'em? Am I saying it the right way? Am I being considerate enough? What if they think that what I'm saying doesn't hold any truth? What if like what I'm saying is just an overreaction? Like I was thinking all those things. 100 00:09:25,992.80045351 --> 00:09:30,372.80045351 I wasn't, it was just all about the other person and not about how I feel about my own feelings. 101 00:09:30,372.80045351 --> 00:09:33,132.80045351 my mom telling me that I'm too sensitive eventually turned into. 102 00:09:33,431.13378685 --> 00:09:44,171.13378685 Self-consciousness, and I have a lot of problems with self-esteem and my confidence, which I know are rooted in feeling like I just didn't matter. 103 00:09:44,171.13378685 --> 00:09:45,521.13378685 As a kid, I was a burden. 104 00:09:45,551.13378685 --> 00:09:47,201.13378685 My feelings were burdensome. 105 00:09:47,951.13378685 --> 00:09:49,391.13378685 I had too many of 'em. 106 00:09:49,661.13378685 --> 00:09:51,251.13378685 They didn't have time for 'em. 107 00:09:51,251.13378685 --> 00:09:54,791.13378685 You know, I'm just, I'm too reactive, I'm too sensitive, all that stuff. 108 00:09:54,796.13378685 --> 00:09:54,916.13378685 So. 109 00:09:55,841.13378685 --> 00:10:04,661.13378685 I know as an adult that my being sensitive is actually one of the best things about me because I value empathy and emotional availability. 110 00:10:05,141.13378685 --> 00:10:23,861.13378685 But now it's like I've course corrected so hard right into codependency where being a sensitive, empathetic person gets used against me Or sometimes I just become a victim of my own sensitivity or I cave because I don't wanna rock the boat or seem like I'm blowing things out of proportion. 111 00:10:23,861.13378685 --> 00:10:25,661.13378685 but when I hear it could be worse at work. 112 00:10:26,666.13378685 --> 00:10:28,226.13378685 It definitely feels dismissive. 113 00:10:28,526.13378685 --> 00:10:40,466.13378685 I'm trying to explain that I'm feeling overwhelmed or that there's too much work coming in to reasonably manage or a project going off the rails, and my boss will just say to me, oh, it could be worse with a shrug. 114 00:10:40,946.13378685 --> 00:10:46,51.13378685 And yes, of course this isn't the end of the world, but it's something difficult. 115 00:10:46,196.13378685 --> 00:10:53,276.13378685 I'm trying to work through on that given day or week and instead of being offered help or a solution, I'm just kind of told to. 116 00:10:53,276.13378685 --> 00:10:54,656.13378685 You know, suck it up. 117 00:10:54,716.13378685 --> 00:10:57,386.13378685 So I hate it because it's not productive to me. 118 00:10:57,386.13378685 --> 00:10:59,486.13378685 It doesn't help solve my problem. 119 00:11:00,116.13378685 --> 00:11:02,66.13378685 It just deprioritizes me. 120 00:11:02,66.13378685 --> 00:11:13,766.13378685 It tells me that I need to shelve my complaint, but if I tell myself or someone else tells me it could be worse all the time, then when does something I'm upset about matter? When does something. 121 00:11:13,766.13378685 --> 00:11:17,396.13378685 Indeed become bad enough that someone needs to care about it. 122 00:11:17,396.13378685 --> 00:11:19,26.13378685 It's like, okay, it could be worse. 123 00:11:19,86.13378685 --> 00:11:22,716.13378685 Sure, but can't I want to make it better. 124 00:11:23,876.13378685 --> 00:11:24,236.13378685 Can't. 125 00:11:24,236.13378685 --> 00:11:34,166.13378685 I want to solve the problem and in order to solve problems or move through them, I feel I really have to sit in the emotions, sit in the disappointment, sit in the confusion. 126 00:11:34,856.13378685 --> 00:11:40,706.13378685 Otherwise, I'm not examining why this thing I'm going through feel so bad or unjust or unfair. 127 00:11:41,66.13378685 --> 00:11:48,176.13378685 Should I just be complacent because things could be worse? It also makes me feel guilty and selfish. 128 00:11:49,301.13378685 --> 00:11:56,141.13378685 How I feel about something doesn't matter, and I'm told over and over again that it could be worse. 129 00:11:56,501.13378685 --> 00:12:03,131.13378685 It makes me feel like I'm being self-centered and close-minded that like I think my problems are bigger than anyone else's, which is not true. 130 00:12:03,161.13378685 --> 00:12:12,731.13378685 They're just my problems and I'm immediately impacted by my problems, my life, my surroundings, and I have to move through my problems every day. 131 00:12:12,731.13378685 --> 00:12:15,491.13378685 I can't just sit there and ignore them. 132 00:12:15,491.13378685 --> 00:12:19,871.13378685 I also hate it could be worse because it doesn't feel true. 133 00:12:20,921.13378685 --> 00:12:35,291.13378685 Sure, things could always be worse, but does that mean I can't be upset by it? Does that mean that like things have to be the absolute worst in order for you to be able to acknowledge that things suck? It also feels like a slippery slope. 134 00:12:35,861.13378685 --> 00:12:39,911.13378685 My whole life, people have been telling me I'm too sensitive and. 135 00:12:39,911.13378685 --> 00:12:43,121.13378685 Look where it's gotten me with every relationship I've been in. 136 00:12:43,511.13378685 --> 00:12:47,561.13378685 No matter how bad it gets, I would just keep telling myself, well, it could be worse. 137 00:12:47,591.13378685 --> 00:12:49,361.13378685 Friendships, familial relationships. 138 00:12:50,327.80045351 --> 00:12:54,377.80045351 Romantic relationships, work, relationships, everything. 139 00:12:54,587.80045351 --> 00:13:04,307.80045351 And in the case of romantic relationships, then my friends and family who have been saying it could be worse to literally everything else in my life would turn to me and be like, you gotta walk away. 140 00:13:04,307.80045351 --> 00:13:05,207.80045351 You gotta end this. 141 00:13:05,537.80045351 --> 00:13:13,727.80045351 And I'd be thinking to myself, so everything else in my life has a possibility to be worse, and I should be thankful for what I have and what I get. 142 00:13:14,87.80045351 --> 00:13:20,587.80045352 But in this one specific instance, I'm supposed to challenge that thought that has been deeply rooted in me for years. 143 00:13:21,217.80045351 --> 00:13:30,207.80045351 that is what made it hard to walk away, frankly, earlier in all of my relationships because no matter how bad it got, I didn't trust my own emotions. 144 00:13:30,207.80045351 --> 00:13:32,757.80045351 I didn't trust how I felt about things and. 145 00:13:33,417.80045351 --> 00:13:35,517.80045351 Also, I just thought it could be worse. 146 00:13:35,517.80045351 --> 00:13:38,127.80045351 We're fighting, but he is not hitting me, so it could be worse. 147 00:13:39,357.80045351 --> 00:13:43,197.80045351 He's playing video games all the time and I feel ignored, but he is not a cheater. 148 00:13:43,197.80045351 --> 00:13:43,977.80045351 It could be worse. 149 00:13:43,977.80045351 --> 00:13:44,967.80045351 He still makes me laugh. 150 00:13:44,967.80045351 --> 00:13:45,657.80045351 It could be worse. 151 00:13:45,657.80045351 --> 00:13:49,707.80045351 I've said a million things like this in all my romantic relationships. 152 00:13:49,707.80045351 --> 00:13:51,567.80045352 I think we should just take. 153 00:13:52,872.80045351 --> 00:14:01,602.80045351 It could be worse out of our vocabulary altogether, because I don't think it's serving us the way we think it is, or at least it's not serving me. 154 00:14:01,692.80045351 --> 00:14:02,742.80045351 It could be worse. 155 00:14:02,742.80045351 --> 00:14:04,362.80045351 Feels a lot like settling. 156 00:14:04,692.80045351 --> 00:14:05,832.80045351 It feels like giving up. 157 00:14:06,222.80045351 --> 00:14:10,242.80045351 It feels a lot like accepting things that don't make me happy. 158 00:14:11,22.80045351 --> 00:14:14,862.80045351 I've dedicated my life to believing it could be worse, and it has gotten me. 159 00:14:15,307.80045351 --> 00:14:15,877.80045351 Nowhere. 160 00:14:15,877.80045351 --> 00:14:31,977.80045351 In an Al-Anon and a lot of the healing work I've been doing, I'm learning a lot about and or thinking where two things can be true at the same time, things could be worse, but this also feels awful and that thinking feels a little more true to me. 161 00:14:32,217.80045351 --> 00:14:35,217.80045351 It's still hard to reconcile and move through, but I think. 162 00:14:35,777.80045351 --> 00:14:40,877.80045351 Black and white thinking yes, no thinking is so detrimental. 163 00:14:41,267.80045351 --> 00:14:43,907.80045351 And I think that's where it could be worse. 164 00:14:43,907.80045351 --> 00:14:47,537.80045352 Falls in for me and or thinking is at least validating. 165 00:14:47,867.80045351 --> 00:14:51,557.80045352 It allows me to feel my feelings and I am a highly sensitive person. 166 00:14:52,157.80045351 --> 00:14:53,837.80045352 That's really not gonna change to a. 167 00:14:54,737.80045351 --> 00:14:55,877.80045351 Huge degree. 168 00:14:56,327.80045352 --> 00:14:57,767.80045352 I'm always gonna be sensitive. 169 00:14:57,767.80045352 --> 00:14:59,987.80045351 I'm always gonna have a lot of emotions. 170 00:15:00,647.80045351 --> 00:15:19,647.80045351 I'm just learning how to cope with and share those feelings in new ways that are more conducive and limit the amount of times someone's gonna shut me down and I'm getting pick here with who I share which emotions with, because my mom, for instance, is never gonna be able to handle certain conversations around certain emotions. 171 00:15:19,647.80045351 --> 00:15:20,937.80045351 I have to accept that about her. 172 00:15:20,997.80045352 --> 00:15:23,667.80045351 I can't change her, and she does not wanna change. 173 00:15:24,237.80045352 --> 00:15:33,687.80045351 So instead of being in this constant battle with her, I've just decided there are some topics that I am just not gonna talk to her about. 174 00:15:33,687.80045351 --> 00:15:36,657.80045351 There are certain feelings I'm just not gonna share with her. 175 00:15:37,787.80045352 --> 00:15:45,917.80045352 And that's a way to keep my feelings safe, but also to not invite the criticism of my feelings into my life because. 176 00:15:45,917.80045352 --> 00:15:47,297.80045352 It is just not necessary. 177 00:15:47,297.80045352 --> 00:15:50,147.80045351 I am learning to change my expectations for people. 178 00:15:50,567.80045352 --> 00:15:55,7.80045352 If I have known someone for a few years, I know how they're capable of disappointing me. 179 00:15:55,277.80045352 --> 00:15:57,857.80045351 I know what they're willing to give. 180 00:15:57,857.80045351 --> 00:16:01,67.80045351 I know what they excel in as a friend or a partner and what they don't. 181 00:16:01,817.80045351 --> 00:16:05,297.80045351 And while some of that can change like a little bit, some of it won't. 182 00:16:05,297.80045351 --> 00:16:09,527.80045351 Just like, I am not gonna change to a vast degree for someone else. 183 00:16:09,527.80045351 --> 00:16:13,457.80045351 I am who I am to a certain extent, and I can't force 'em to change. 184 00:16:13,457.80045351 --> 00:16:19,757.80045351 They can't force me to change, but what? But I can change my expectations of somebody. 185 00:16:20,957.80045351 --> 00:16:25,847.80045351 And when I change my expectations of someone, that's me trying to manage my disappointment. 186 00:16:26,447.80045351 --> 00:16:33,67.80045351 But at the same time, I also need to start changing their hierarchy in my life and also their access to me. 187 00:16:33,117.80045351 --> 00:16:35,787.80045351 I have some friends who give me nothing. 188 00:16:36,447.80045351 --> 00:16:38,217.80045351 We see each other maybe once a year. 189 00:16:38,787.80045351 --> 00:16:40,17.8004535 We talk on and off. 190 00:16:40,167.8004535 --> 00:16:47,937.8004535 I still love them dearly, and if they ever really needed me, I'd be on the first flight out to them, but they don't give me much otherwise. 191 00:16:48,567.8004535 --> 00:16:50,637.8004535 I know they put our conversation on mute. 192 00:16:51,267.8004535 --> 00:16:58,287.8004535 I know that I'm not their number one priority, so they don't need to be my number one priority either. 193 00:17:00,462.8004535 --> 00:17:15,942.8004535 Taylor Swift was on, um, the New Heights podcast, I think back in August, and she said something that resonated with a lot of people, including me, and she said, you should think of your energy as if it's expensive, as if it's a luxury item. 194 00:17:16,2.8004535 --> 00:17:17,442.8004535 Not everyone can afford it. 195 00:17:17,772.8004535 --> 00:17:38,112.8004535 Not everyone has invested in you in order to be able to have the capital for you to care about this I guess that's kind of how I'm trying to live my life now, and I think it'll help me with my anger because I do think a lot of my anger comes from giving people more access and investment than what I get from them, and that needs to stop. 196 00:17:38,112.8004535 --> 00:17:43,812.8004535 It doesn't mean that every thing is quid pro quo, but there needs to be reciprocity. 197 00:17:43,872.8004535 --> 00:17:46,212.8004535 It doesn't mean I add to the problem. 198 00:17:46,692.8004535 --> 00:17:47,532.8004535 It doesn't mean. 199 00:17:47,739.4671202 --> 00:17:51,819.4671202 That I don't still give, but it does mean I probably need to pull back. 200 00:17:51,819.4671202 --> 00:17:55,779.4671202 And a large part of that is because I'm severely codependent. 201 00:17:55,779.4671202 --> 00:18:03,939.4671202 So keep in mind that the limits of what I'm willing to give to someone who is giving me nothing is not a normal amount. 202 00:18:04,209.4671202 --> 00:18:11,919.4671202 Me pulling back is really just me giving a normal amount of attention that your average person would probably be giving normally. 203 00:18:12,714.4671202 --> 00:18:17,154.4671202 Um, so me pulling back doesn't mean I'm giving nothing. 204 00:18:17,154.4671202 --> 00:18:37,326.1337868 It just means I'm giving less and being more mindful about what I'm giving to who and why, and is that a safe decision for me? Am I managing my own disappointment? Because like I just can't keep continuing to be like a victim all the time because I can't be a victim of my anger. 205 00:18:37,326.1337868 --> 00:18:40,446.1337868 I can't be a victim of my expectations. 206 00:18:40,446.1337868 --> 00:18:44,766.1337868 Like it's just, it's too hard to have to deal with that all the time. 207 00:18:44,766.1337868 --> 00:18:53,906.1337868 So what I can do is manage what I'm giving to people and manage what I'm expecting, return for giving that to them and just kind of go from there. 208 00:18:53,906.1337868 --> 00:18:56,666.1337868 this episode is probably like a little bit shorter this week. 209 00:18:57,236.1337868 --> 00:19:03,466.1337868 Last week's episode was really long, but this was something that was just like on top of mine today. 210 00:19:03,466.1337868 --> 00:19:19,576.1337868 I know it didn't necessarily fall into like my worth of the week thing that I am usually doing, but I think as this journey goes on, I'm just learning to kind of go with the flow a little bit more and speak what's on my mind and what feels authentic and real and natural to talk about. 211 00:19:20,811.1337868 --> 00:19:23,6.1337868 And I just couldn't get this saying out of my head. 212 00:19:23,6.1337868 --> 00:19:40,156.1337868 The past week, I was really thinking about it a lot because when I was recording the episode last week, I just kept thinking like, yeah, why? Why does this phrase bother you so much? Even when I was just mentioning it on last week's podcast, with no real context, it was just like. 213 00:19:41,326.1337868 --> 00:19:42,136.1337868 An ad lib. 214 00:19:42,136.1337868 --> 00:19:49,6.1337868 I guess I, it was even just hearing myself say it, it like gave me like one of those twitch, like, gimme like a twitch. 215 00:19:49,6.1337868 --> 00:19:56,206.1337868 It's just so instantaneous that like, even when I'm, when I'm not even hearing it from somebody, it annoys me., 216 00:19:58,96.1337868 --> 00:20:18,71.1337868 And I think it's healthy to look closer at things that probably do feel very commonplace and probably feel, I think we take for granted, a lot of the sayings and a lot of the ways that we think, and I think the best way to grow is to challenge those ways of thinking that have become second nature to us. 217 00:20:18,896.1337868 --> 00:20:31,466.1337868 Because if we're not paying close attention to those things, those are the things that I think end up running our lives and we end up falling into these patterns and these ruts and asking ourselves like how we got there. 218 00:20:31,466.1337868 --> 00:20:34,76.1337868 But a lot of it I think, is that we just don't analyze that. 219 00:20:34,76.1337868 --> 00:20:34,976.1337868 We don't question enough. 220 00:20:34,976.1337868 --> 00:20:40,136.1337868 We just kind of go through the motions and it could be worse. 221 00:20:40,496.1337868 --> 00:20:47,546.1337868 It's just one of those things that people just say it doesn't mean anything anymore, and we just say it to kind of like, almost like fill dead air. 222 00:20:48,86.1337868 --> 00:20:50,246.1337868 But we also put a lot of stock in it. 223 00:20:50,316.1337868 --> 00:20:58,686.1337868 Because we say it all the time, like anytime it works, someone says something's like, well, that's clients for you or, and it's like the same thing as, it could be worse. 224 00:20:58,686.1337868 --> 00:21:00,66.1337868 It's just this thing where it's just. 225 00:21:00,66.1337868 --> 00:21:01,626.1337868 We'll see what we can do. 226 00:21:01,626.1337868 --> 00:21:12,816.1337868 And so they just like saying that don't mean anything, but they're often said to us as though they have a lot of meaning, and I think in this instance, like it could be worse, carries a lot of meaning for me. 227 00:21:12,816.1337868 --> 00:21:14,496.1337868 I would not have thought it was that deep. 228 00:21:14,496.1337868 --> 00:21:19,236.1337868 I wouldn't have thought that it bothered me so much or why it bothered me so much. 229 00:21:20,121.1337868 --> 00:21:25,971.1337868 Unless I took a closer look at it, and I think that's a big part of this whole journey is just being mindful. 230 00:21:25,971.1337868 --> 00:21:47,76.1337868 I think that's the true practice of mindfulness is actually taking a closer look at these everyday mundane things and going like, why do I do that? Do I enjoy doing that? Is this adding to my life? Is this adding to my worry? I think that's what true transformation is. 231 00:21:47,76.1337868 --> 00:21:50,136.1337868 I think that's what real mindfulness is. 232 00:21:50,136.1337868 --> 00:21:59,801.1337868 I think that's what a real mindful, intentional practice is, is like really looking closer at some of those things that we just take for granted and don't often think about. 233 00:22:00,786.1337868 --> 00:22:05,196.1337868 But I think those are the things that probably shape us the most because they're so ingrained in us. 234 00:22:05,196.1337868 --> 00:22:10,866.1337868 Like we don't even know, um, why we do some of the things we do because we just don't think about it. 235 00:22:10,926.1337868 --> 00:22:14,766.1337868 It's just something we just started doing or just something that we started believing. 236 00:22:15,606.1337868 --> 00:22:28,206.1337868 I think until you question some of those things and get into the habit, just getting into the habit of questioning them is a skill in and of itself, because it's not easy to like recognize something. 237 00:22:29,406.1337868 --> 00:22:32,556.1337868 As needing to be questioned when it's something you just do without thinking. 238 00:22:32,556.1337868 --> 00:22:35,46.1337868 But anyway, that is the show this week. 239 00:22:35,46.1337868 --> 00:22:45,166.1337868 We're gonna keep it nice and short, as always, you can find me on Instagram at Solitary Creature Pod, reach out, let me know if there are other phrases that, um. 240 00:22:47,281.1337868 --> 00:22:50,11.1337868 Annoy you as much as it could be worse did for me. 241 00:22:50,41.1337868 --> 00:22:53,581.1337868 I would love to know what your, what your trigger phrases are. 242 00:22:53,911.1337868 --> 00:22:56,941.1337868 Alright, well I'll catch you guys back here next week. 243 00:22:57,421.1337868 --> 00:22:57,961.1337868 Thanks. 244 00:22:57,961.1337868 --> 00:22:58,561.1337868 Bye.