How to Prepare for Pet Loss and Start Healing Now

💛 Yes, you can prepare for pet loss—and find peace in the process.

In this powerful follow-up episode, Em sits down with Beth Bigler from Honoring Our Animals to talk about anticipatory grief, emotional preparedness, and what it means to love and let go—before the goodbye even happens.

This conversation holds space for anyone already feeling the heartbreak of knowing their time with a beloved dog is limited. Em also shares how Beth’s group sessions have helped her process anticipatory loss with Toby and Fitz, and why this kind of support can make all the difference.

💡 In this episode, you’ll learn:
• What anticipatory grief actually looks and feels like• How to find peace while your pet is still here• Why it's okay to mourn before a loss happens• Meaningful ways to honor your pet and your emotions• Where to find support that truly understands this unique kind of pain

🐾 Whether you're living in the in-between or supporting someone who is, this episode will meet you with compassion, clarity, and care.

🎙️ Guest InfoLearn more about Beth’s work: honoringouranimals.comFollow: @honoringouranimals

✨ Stay ConnectedWebsite + Free Resources: straightupdogtalk.comInstagram, YouTube & TikTok: @em_lovesdogs | @straightupdogtalk

🆓 DM SUDTCONSULT on Instagram for a free training or nutrition consult

#petloss #anticipatorygrief #honoringouranimals #petparentcommunity #straightupdogtalk

This episode is proudly sponsored by our partnership with Honoring Our Animals.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today's episode is brought to you by our partnership with
Honoring Our Animals. Losing a beloved pet is unlike
any other grief. It's deep, it's raw, and too
often it's misunderstood. But you don't have to navigate
it alone. Beth Bigler, founder of Honoring
Our Animals, is a pet loss griefcounselor dedicated to helping
you navigate the complex emotions of grief, guilt, anger,

(00:21):
bewilderment, and deep sorrow. She'll help you practice self
compassion, care for yourself with gentleness, and deepen your
ongoing bond with your beloved. I have been a participant in two
of Best Small Group cohorts and let me tell you that it has
changed my life. I have been carrying the grief
and shame that comes with the loss of an unexpected death for
over 14 years. Best Small Group programs and

(00:45):
her infinite amount of wisdom has not only helped me reconnect
with my beloved's, it has helpedme invigorate my current
relationships with Toby and Fitz.
I will be forever grateful to Beth and her community for
helping me get through somethingI thought that I would have to
carry for the rest of my life. Beth teaches you that the love

(01:05):
and relationship you have with your soulmate pet doesn't ever
have to end. It continues forever, and Beth
will be there to walk you through it side by side.
Visit Honoring Our Animals or find her on Instagram at
Honoring Our Animals to learn more.
Because your grief is profound, your love is forever, and you
are never alone. Welcome to Straight Up Dog Talk,

(01:25):
the podcast for pet parents. Pet guardians and pet
professionals come together to dive into real issues in dog
parenting. From controversial training
methods to sensitive health topics, we're getting raw and
real about what it means to carefor our canine companions.
Join us every Wednesday for unfiltered conversations, expert
insights, and personal stories that will make you laugh, cry,

(01:47):
and grow as a pet parent. No topic is off limits and no
question goes unanswered. You won't get one perspective
here, You'll get them all because every dog is different
and every human is too. You can follow along on
Instagram, TikTok and Facebook at straight up dog talk or by
visiting www.straightupdogtalk.com TuneIn
from any of your favorite podcast platforms.

(02:09):
Welcome to straight up dog talk.I'm M and we're back again with
an amazing guest this week. We have Beth Baigler returning
from honoring our animals. How are you doing today, Beth?
I am awesome. Thank you so much for
normalizing, validating pet lossGreek.
I think that it is a topic that we don't talk about enough.
I think that it is something that we don't think about

(02:30):
because a lot of us are trying to be in the moment, enjoying
what we have with our pets. And then all of a sudden things
happen. They get older, there's an
emergency, and now you're faced with these thoughts and hard
choices and you have to think about things that you didn't
think about before. And losing Cajun really defined
that for me because I was so notprepared for him to go.

(02:54):
And now I really struggle with Toby and I'm starting to
struggle with fits because they get older every and they're not
puppies anymore and they're bothconsidered senior dogs now.
And that's hard. As a pet community, it's
something we should be able to talk about instead of just swipe
it under the mental health rug of everything else mental health

(03:15):
and give it its own airtime because it deserves its own
airtime. That's right, my amazing pet
loss grief counselor, who's the whole reason I kind of got into
this work in the 1st place, saysyour goodbye begins the moment
you bring your beloved home. And that is so uncomfortable.
But if we have that acknowledgement, even though we
don't want to think about it, people who call me all the time
for pet lost grief counseling, they say, I never thought that

(03:36):
this day would come. I never even imagined it.
And I think that's true for a lot of people.
But also there's a lot of folks who are like, I've been dreading
this day for a long time and I've been in this anticipatory
period. So one of the first things to
normalize is to say, hey, we know that our Earth side time
with our beloveds will end and we are ready to acknowledge that

(03:56):
that's coming. And most importantly, what can
we do to support? Because there's no way around.
It there is no way around it. And I think that that almost
makes it harder for me, especially now that I've gotten
to this point where I feel like I've gotten both my dogs in this
healthy groove and Toby almost feels like he's aging backwards

(04:17):
and Fitz doesn't feel like he's aging at all.
It's kind of like he's in this standstill.
And so now I have these two dogsthat are approximately 6 years
apart in age and all I can thinkabout is, Oh no, what happens if
now they both die at the same time?
And that has been so difficult for me.
And that has been a touch point for me to reach out into the

(04:39):
community and you and talk aboutand work through that.
So for somebody who doesn't knowwhat anticipatory loss is, let's
give it a definition. And your number one
recommendation? Where to get started?
I might have just given it, acknowledged that this is
happening. Listen, when we talk about
anticipatory grief, what we're really talking about is this

(05:00):
huge constellation of feelings, emotions that go on within us
about the notion or the idea that our beloved is going to
transition. And of course, for some people,
that's because age is showing itself and our beloved is
changing and we can see that. And there may be some medical
conditions that are increasing for other people, this begins

(05:20):
when we get that gut punch diagnosis, which is so, so
common as well. But when we talk about
anticipatory grief, we're talking about all the things
that go with that. Anticipatory grief impacts us in
so many ways, physically, cognitively, socially,
financially, spiritually, logistically, and of course,
emotionally. People who are experiencing
anticipatory grief have thoughtslike, I don't want to live

(05:41):
without my beloved. I don't know how life will go on
if they're not here. Will I ever be happy again?
I want to fight for my beloved'scare.
I want to do everything I can. When I give my beloved medical
treatments, I feel like she hates me.
You know, sometimes in anticipatory grief, we feel like
I want it to be over. I need some relief.
People experience that as well. Sometimes we get the feeling,

(06:01):
why can't I save him? I'm not good enough.
Some people have the feeling allthe gifts and guidance and
lessons and teachings that my beloved have brought me are
going to evaporate when they're gone, and no one's ever going to
love me like that again. And when we are experiencing all
these feelings of uncertainty and fear and powerlessness and
anger and dread, many times we kind of become a shadow of

(06:23):
ourselves. And not to mention, for many
people, the anxiety around potentially making a youth
euthanasia decision, which everyone experiences that
differently. But many people feel like I'm
going to kill my best friend. And of course, that would not be
my take on compassionate euthanasia.
But there is an emotional dread that many guardians feel about

(06:45):
how can I ever even begin to make that decision.
So when we're talking about anticipatory grief, we're
talking about all those things and actually way more.
I could keep going, but that's the gist of it.
Did I miss anything from your experience?
I don't think so. For me, it's definitely the
aging. Every year they get older,
that's when it hits me the most.We'll just mention that today as

(07:07):
we're recording. This is actually fits his 7th
birthday. And so this topic is actually
hitting pretty hard today because 7 is getting pretty up
there for a large Reed dog. He's about 62 lbs, so average
span of life for him is somewhere between 10 and 12
years probably. Hopefully he lives much longer
than that, but you don't know. You just have to go based on

(07:30):
what the science says, what the history says, what all of the
veterinary information from current studies and all that
says. And right now that's 10 to 12
years. And I think that it's especially
hard for me as Fitz ages becauseI lost Cajun when he was nine.
He was very young. Even for an older dog, he was

(07:52):
very young and I was unprepared.And now I have Toby who's
12/13/14 somewhere in there and seven-year old Fitz and they're
both in that senior gap. And sometimes I think about it
and it's just hard to breathe because I don't know what I
would do if I lost them both at the same time.
And I that is where I really, really struggle.

(08:13):
Losing them individually would be easier for me because I would
have the other one to rely on. I think that because I have
participated in your group for so long now, I think it's been a
year actually. I feel better prepared for
losing either or both of them, but I still get those moments
where I'm just like, Oh no I'm not.

(08:34):
I don't want to go through that again because it is hard.
I don't know if it's better or if it's worse to not know
because I've lost three dogs already, but each loss is
different and hits differently. So I don't know if it's easier
or harder because that absence of your pet in your life, it
changes the whole dynamic of your life.
And that's where a lot of the things that you recommend come

(08:56):
in so handy because I don't haveto feel like I'm not including
them in my life. I've done so many more things
with Toby and fit and because ofToby and Fits that I didn't do
for other dogs. I always wear this necklace and
it has charms on it. It's been the same charms for
several years now, One of them specifically has been on there
for about 8 years. And this year for Christmas I

(09:18):
bought myself 2 new charms. Ones a Toby charm and ones a
Fitch charm. They're little circles.
I also had custom fits necklace made and I took everything off
the necklace and I only put the charms of Toby and Fitz on this
necklace. So it gave me a new start with
2025, and that's something that I'll be able to carry with me

(09:39):
forever, even after they're gone.
And those are the kinds of things that you teach.
Well, specifically on the anticipatory side when I'm
working with people and most of my anticipatory work, I do in a
one to one setting because it's very personal and it's very
customized. But I think for everybody, the
number one thing that I recommend that all guardians
think about is that this anticipatory period is, is kind

(10:00):
of like a braid, right? There's three strands to it that
are very powerful to be supporting all at once.
And I like to work this way withpeople and think about the
braid. And I also like to give this
idea to anticipatory grievers sothat you can always say, OK,
which strand of the braid needs the most attention today?
Which strand of the braid have Ibeen maybe avoiding?

(10:21):
And so that central strand is centering your beloved.
This is their end of life experience.
Regardless of how many months oryears we have left, this is
theirs. And So what we want to do for
them is really continue to create a sense of normalcy, a
sense of calm, avoiding chaos. Really thinking about this time
is so sacred for them and thinking about, wow, I get to

(10:44):
walk this road with my beloved. And of course, you and I both
know not everybody gets that opportunity.
So it's very powerful to center your beloved.
This is an opportunity for you to step up.
This is an opportunity for you to strengthen your relationship
with them, to talk with them openly about what's going on and
what they're experiencing and what you're wondering about and

(11:04):
to really feel like, hey, I am personally struggling as a human
about this, but you also are seeing this differently.
We got to remember about small animal brain that it's very
present. It's very right here, right now.
There is no companion animal outthere right now who is having an
existential crisis about how many days they have left.
That's what we do. That's not what they do.

(11:25):
And one of the reasons we love them the most is how present
they're able to be all the time.So we got to meet them with that
presence. And is that hard?
Absolutely. But giving them that centering
is the central strand of the braid.
And of course, there's a lot of techniques we use to help
support that. And then the other strand of the
braid, of course, are these logistical, practical things
that come up when we are in anticipatory grief.

(11:46):
And that looks a little different for everybody.
But for a lot of people, this involves complex medical
decision making. Sometimes it involves what kind
of treatments might I want to door not want to do?
Am I giving my beloved agency and dignity within the
treatments that I am choosing for them?
And on that kind of logistical medical decision making side,
thinking about things like, all right, what is my definition of

(12:08):
quality of life for my beloved? What are my deal Breakers for
their end of life experience? What are the risks that I'm
willing to take in terms of their end of life?
Because that comes up a lot. Our risk tolerance plays a huge
role in how our beloved's end oflife goes in many ways.
These sort of logistical and practical aspects of
anticipatory grief need a lot oftheir own attention, and a lot

(12:29):
of those things we can do well. Our beloved's are still very
well, which is helpful. When I work with people, I want
to make a lot of the practical decisions as far in advance as
possible, especially things likeif you decide you want to do in
home euthanasia, what is that going to look like?
What elements do we want there? Do we know what the schedule can
be for when people can come? Do we know when when that's
outside of their hours, right? Really knowing a lot more about

(12:51):
ideally what we want, if we get to choose can be super helpful.
So there's always the logisticaland practical strand as well.
And then of course, that third part of the braid is about
taking care of you. How are we supporting your fear,
your hyper vigilance, your difficulty being present and
your anger? How are we helping you release
those feelings? How are we supporting you
through this? With an immense amount of self
compassion and most importantly,not depleting you completely

(13:15):
because many guardians in an anticipatory period, especially
if there's any medical care going on, get completely
rundown, completely isolated. And so by the time that their
beloved transitions, unfortunately they are
absolutely just spent. And it makes that post loss
period so much harder. So you, the guardian, that third

(13:35):
strand of the braid is you and taking care of you.
And that is so important. So in terms of the number one
tip, the number one thing think about I think is really start
thinking about this anticipatoryperiod as a braid and how can I
show up for each parts of this braid and make sure all of those
strands are strong? It's really beautiful.
I wow, I'm actually speechless just listening to that whole

(13:57):
thing there. And it, it really does make you
think about all of the things that you do have to put together
for that. And it's kind of the same if it
was a person in your life. Obviously we can't go around
euthanizing people because that's not allowed, but we do
have to prepare for our death. I know there are many people who
want to prepare their funeral orhave a funeral before they they

(14:20):
pass so that they can experiencethe funeral themselves.
You can do things like that for your pet too.
Especially if you're getting close to the end, then you want
to give people the opportunity to say goodbye, family, friends,
loved ones, people that are especially close to your pets.
And I think that another part about it is just the guilt,
right? There's so much guilt into it,

(14:43):
whether that's financially because you can't afford a
certain treatment that could potentially extend their lives.
Or maybe you opted out of the treatment because you were
worried about how it was going to make them feel, and now you
feel guilty because you didn't do the treatment.
Or maybe you start reflecting ontheir life in general and then
you're feeling guilty because ofall the things that maybe you

(15:05):
don't think that you provided them.
But again, like you said, that that is us.
That is the human part of our brains, going back and
reflecting on those things. Dogs, they don't remember that
stuff. They always think that you're
the best person, always, ever. Cats.
Cats maybe have a little bit more opinions than dogs do when

(15:25):
it comes to things, but I also don't think that cats hold a
grudge either. I just don't think that that is
part of how the animal brain works.
The emotional side of the human brain is much more complex than
the animal brain and those assigned emotions that we are
just that they're assigned. And that's another thing that

(15:46):
you really help with is you helppeople identify.
Is that me or is that actually fit or Toby?
And watching that happen in small groups or even just in the
community chat has been eye opening because people have
those light bulb moments where they go, oh, that isn't.
And that's been really, really neat to watch.
Yeah, well, that's a big part ofcentering your beloved because

(16:07):
when we are projecting human emotions, human ideas, human
crisis, human tragedy narrative on to our beloveds, it's not
helpful for anyone. It's not helpful for you, It's
not helpful for them. When we are first encountering
our anticipatory grief, whether it's through aging or especially
if we have like a sudden kind ofdiagnosis, it's like this is the
worst thing that's ever happened.
I felt that way about my soulmate Arnie, and so many

(16:30):
people I work with feel that way, and we do.
We feel like something horrible is happening to us, and it can
be hard to shift that and lift that so that we can show up.
It's very human and OK that we project things, but we do.
You'll also have to remember about small animal brain.
My understanding now I am a pet loss grief counselor.
I am not an animal expert, but my current understanding is that

(16:51):
for dogs and cats, other small animals, it's like toddler
brain. Maybe you can, maybe you know
more. And my understanding is like,
yes, fear, joy, excitement, probably sadness in certain
immediate context, but not anything more complex than two
or three-year old human. So in other words, things like
shame, things like shame or jealousy or even pride.
Now I don't know about crowd. I've seen Arnie be so, so proud

(17:12):
of things sometimes, but again, that's probably me, not him,
right? So that is powerful to be
reminded that they are not experiencing either in terms of
how they experience time or emotion, most of the things that
we're actually putting on them. And a really loving thing we can
do for everybody involved is to just stop putting that on their
experience. And now that's our experience
and we want a place to go with that.

(17:34):
That's why people need support in this, but we just don't want
to put it on them because it's probably not accurate.
No, you're right, it is toddler brain and think about like
complex emotions, he said. Guilt, shame, pride.
I don't know, because I kind of like I've seen Fitz prance
around the yard with the ball inhis mouth.
He's pretty Dang proud of himself in that moment, but not

(17:57):
as a overall theme like proud ofhis life or proud of his
accomplishments in training. Their emotions are very short
term. Like you said in the in the
present moment, they are joyful,happy, disappointed, hungry,
upset, antsy, whatever it is. But dogs don't have or cats have

(18:18):
the ability to slot out your demise.
They don't have the capacity in their brain to have scorn or
hate. I would say a dog can have a
reservation or a cat can have a reservation about someone
because they can smell that thatperson has a reservation about
them. The hesitancy thing I can see,

(18:40):
but the really deep ones, the really deep seated emotions.
Again, back to guilt and shame, jealousy, scorn, hate, even
hierarchy as just a definitionalword.
Dogs don't understand that. Cats don't understand that.
They know that they belong to this family and and that's their
world, but they don't understandthat there's millions of other

(19:03):
families out there that other dogs belong to and other cats
belong to and that they're just a speck in the earth.
They're just this is their worldand they're just happy to be in
it. Completely.
And listen, you brought up guilton the Guardian side too.
And you know, because you've worked with me, guilt is often
the number one thing really thatpeople come to me for, aside
from wanting to continue their connection and strengthen their

(19:25):
relationship after their belovedtransitions.
And 99% of people I've worked with do have some sort of guilt,
shame, or regret about their beloved's life or their
beloved's end of life experience.
It's something very important tosupport.
When I work with people on the anticipatory side of things, I
do my level best. If we have the time to clear all
of that, release, all of that shift, all of that before this

(19:46):
transition happens, it's very doable to do.
And frankly, when you can do it,when your beloved is Earth side,
it's so much better because they're right here.
You can talk to them about it, you can share, you can express,
you can make an amends if you need to.
It's really a terrific thing to do before that transition
moment, because then you are not.
Into your post lost degree of course we feel guilty we always

(20:10):
want to stop the bad thing from happening and we always wish we
could help them live forever andwe so internalize often that we
can't do that and even if it is beyond our power, beyond our
capacity and our role as guardian to do that, we
oftentimes take that on and think I could have saved my
beloved. I could have done more and

(20:32):
that's a very difficult thing. And as you know, being around my
community and working with me, it's a huge thing that people
struggle with. And I always say it doesn't
matter if it's quote rational orquote irrational guilt, if it's
there, if you're feeling it, it's important.
We want to address it. We want to dial it down and help
it shift. For you, that's exactly why I
came to you was because I had been carrying around guilt for

(20:53):
three dogs at three terrible fast deaths. 1 was one year
apart and then the other one wasnot even a year and a half or
two years later. They were all very close.
I hadn't really dealt with any of them.
Going through the small group cohort with you and the people
that were in the cohort, it was life changing.
Being able to let go of some of that stuff that I had been

(21:14):
carrying around, even unconsciously, has made it so
much easier for me to move forward and see the benefit of
being able to make those amends and make sure that I am living
in the moment. I mean, there's a conversation I
recall having with you about Toby and how I felt guilty about
going on walks with Fitz and doing these training

(21:36):
opportunities with Fitz and having to leave Toby behind.
And you said to me, well, what is Toby doing when you leave?
And I said, he's sleeping. And you said, so he doesn't care
that you're gone then, right? Like, Oh, so that's a perfect
example of us putting the guilt on ourselves and feeling bad for
something that our dogs don't even care about.

(21:58):
Toby didn't care if he got a snack and he was taking a nap
and his brother wasn't botheringhim for an hour.
And I was worried because I thought he felt unincluded.
Toby wasn't worried, he didn't care.
He was like peace. That was a wonderful moment of
revelation for me that you gave me, and that was such a gift.
Well, I remember that conversation.

(22:18):
It's just as funny today as it was then.
And truly, if I had a dime for every time I had a client say
something to me like that, it isso interesting.
I even have clients who say I feel so bad I went to dinner.
Especially in the anticipatory phase because one of the things
that happens, especially if you're doing a lot of medical
caregiving. Sometimes if we have a beloved
with dementia or something wherewe don't want to leave them
alone, if we even go out to dinner for an hour, we might

(22:41):
feel guilty. And a lot of my clients have
cameras. And so I'm always like, have you
ever checked on the camera? You know what your beloved is
doing while you're at dinner, sleeping on the couch with her
stuffy. I'm pretty sure she's all right
while you're at dinner. Of course, every circumstance is
different, but we do. We put all of that really
intense self criticism, which somany people struggle with, and
we never feel like we're doing it well enough, never feel like

(23:02):
we're good enough. Which is so interesting because
isn't one of the reasons we loveour beloveds that they make us
feel like we are the best, we are the greatest things ever?
No matter what we do, I'm still going to show up with a happy
tale and a smile and a glint in my eye because I love you to
pieces. That's one of their assets.
Look at us and remind us, hey, we're not so bad.

(23:23):
We got this. And yet in this whole end of
life experience in particular, and in our grief after, we tend
to be so mean. We are so mean to ourselves in
ways our beloveds would never bemean to us.
And that's a really hard thing for most grieving guardians.
You said this earlier. That's the line for me.
My hard line is if they are suffering, if they are in pain,

(23:43):
if their quality of life is theycan't get up and move around.
You have to help them in and outto the bathroom.
They can't play or interact withyou without complete and total
utter discomfort. I don't want them to live like
that. I don't want them to feel that
pain and that dysfunctionality because that's a complete change

(24:06):
of routine and senses. I don't know if it was me and I
was confined to this bed 24 hours a day and I couldn't move
or talk or eat or do anything onmy own without somebody
manipulating me or putting a food tube in me or whatever.
That just don't think that is a fair existence.
And for me, that is where the line is.

(24:27):
So Toby, as he's getting older, he's got a heart palpitation
that's getting worse and worse. It's slowly inching its way into
a Grade 4. He's been coughing a lot and
that means he's going to have tobe on medication and stuff.
But if it gets to the point where I feel like he's suffering
all of the time, I don't want toput him through that either

(24:49):
because I don't feel that that is kind.
Like he said, they love us no matter what.
They don't judge us. It's the purest form of non
judgment and they're not going to judge us for keeping them
alive. But I think that it would be so
much better to have good memories, happy memories, than
those awful memories of palliative care just to get

(25:10):
through. Because at that point, who are
you holding on for? Are you holding on for them, or
are you holding on for you? And I think being faced with
those questions are the ones that are really, really hard to
talk. About those are so hard to talk
about and so resonant with the most people who come to me to
talk about anticipatory grief and we really need need more

(25:32):
safe spaces like this one where we can ask those questions and
talk about those questions and talk about what are our lines.
You have thought this through that's very powerful and to also
acknowledge that sometimes it's murky.
I've worked with so many people where not every condition and
not every part of aging is clearcut.
Sometimes you can have an animalwho has tremendous cognitive

(25:55):
decline, but physically they're perfect.
And that's very murky for people.
Sometimes if you can have a who has physically really slowed
down, but they're still very interactive, they're still very
social, they still have things they can enjoy.
You see all the time all over the Internet, there's all these
different sayings, you better two weeks earlier than a day too
late, which intimidates a lot ofguardians.

(26:15):
You see, Well, if there's five things your beloved loves and
they can only do two of them, then you know, all kinds of
these little quips and quotes. And I think there's a place for
those and those can be helpful. But so many situations I've
worked with anyway have a lot oftexture and nuance to them and
there's no blanket approach. There's no one size fits saw and
again, your risk tolerance for catastrophe is a huge part of

(26:36):
this. And that varies person to
person. So if there's something cardiac
going on very often we know depending on what it is, that
could mean there's going to be asudden event.
And for some guardians, they don't want to even imagine
walking in on that. They don't want that to be their
last memory. They don't want that for their
beloved. They don't want to risk of any
pain. So they might say with a certain

(26:57):
type of diagnosis for something cardiac that they want to
euthanize immediate and then other guardians will say, I
don't care, it's not going to come to that.
I will be happy to take the riskand see how long we can go.
And both of those are valid decisions and Asia decisions are
hopefully made with veterinarians.
It's a medical decision. Hopefully you have a
veterinarian you can really relate to and ask tough
questions too and, and get support from and hopefully you

(27:21):
are making a compassionate decision that obviously doesn't
allow suffering. I do say that to everybody I
work with. We don't allow suffering here.
Whoever, most of the people coming to me aren't looking for
any kind of suffering. They aren't trying to do that.
They're trying to make peace within themselves.
That number one, that they may have to make that decision and
how can I support myself and thedifficulty of making that

(27:42):
decision? Many people that work with me
say it's the hardest decision they've ever made in their.
Life. I definitely agree with that.
One of the earlier episodes thatwe had, I think it was like #11
was with my friend Ness, and shetalks about how her dog was
going to cross the Rainbow Bridge and she had scheduled the
appointment and she had to wait a week because the guy had had
surgery and he had to recover for a few days before he could

(28:05):
come over and do the euthanasia in her home.
And she said that she had just felt like she had scheduled his
execution and she felt so guiltyabout it for the entire week.
And I can totally see it from that viewpoint, but I can also
totally see it as I've made thisdecision now I have these next
four days to really invest and make them the best four days as

(28:28):
possible. But like you said, it's an
individual approach. So many times I have said over
the last year, 2 years, the dog in front of you, the dog in
front of you, the dog in front of you, the cat in front of you,
the person in front of you, every single individual sentient
be spirit soul is entirely unique and different from any

(28:49):
other one on this planet. And I think that people want
this cardboard black and white, here you go, system of how
things work. But we can't do that because
then it's not fair to the individual because then we're
definitely not meeting the needsfor the person or the pet.
Because we've tried to put it ina neat little box and we've left

(29:11):
all these things outside of the box that now we have to deal
with. And I think that that is
probably where a lot of people get lost is because they are
trying so hard to just be like, it should be this way, but it
can't be. And they are desperate to do it
at the quote perfect time. I'm using air quotes here,
people, the perfect time. And one of the things I say all

(29:32):
the time on Instagram and I say it to my clients, is let's
release the idea that you're going to pick the perfect
magical moment for you that's going to make you feel amazing
about it at the end of the day. Regardless of if we felt we did
it too early, or maybe we went alittle too long, or maybe we got
it just in time, whatever that means.
I don't know anybody that feels like a rock star about the

(29:55):
euthanasia experience. It's so hard to go through.
And we all have such high expectations for ourselves of
getting everything right for ourbeloveds the way they've always
gotten everything right for us. And sometimes just releasing
that pressure valve. You need to pick the quote.
Perfect time can be helpful. We got to let that go and say we
are going to do our level best to make a strong, educated,

(30:17):
supportive, compassionate decision.
But I am human and I may not know what I don't know and I do
not have a crystal ball. And that is a very tough thing
to accept and a very tough thingto acknowledge.
But if we can acknowledge and really lean into the idea that
it may not be perfect, but I'm going to try my very hardest
with the information I have at the time it's presented to me,

(30:39):
that's all I can really do. Yeah, personally as a vet tech,
just from the things that I've seen over the years and probably
hundreds, maybe even thousands of pets that I was witness to
for euthanasia's at the, I thinkthat's a decision that you need
to make beforehand that I don't think a lot of people talk about
is whether or not you can be there in the room with your pet.

(31:01):
Very, very, very rarely did I see people leave their pets and
not stay. But I think that like you said,
in that following of compassion,kindness, think about that from
your pets perspective. They're at their end of life,
they don't know what's about to happen to them, and then you
basically abandoned them if you leave them.
So I think that you need to prepare yourself for, are you,

(31:24):
are you able to leave them and let them pass on their own or
are you going to feel guilty forthat after?
Because that's another kind of aspect about it.
And if you are not able to be there, my personal
recommendation would to be therewhile they give them the
medication that helps them ease into the sleep so that they
don't have to see you walking away from them at that last

(31:44):
moment. Because I have heard people say
that's my biggest regret is walking away.
My biggest regret was not being there.
And sometimes that's out of yourcontrol too.
My parents, a few months ago, one of their dogs died and it
was pretty traumatic because I had gone over there like I do
every day to let them out for lunch, walk on my way home from
work. And Lily and Ernie both went

(32:06):
outside. They both went potty.
They both ran back into their kennels.
They got their treat. And about 2 1/2 hours later when
my mom came home, Lily had packed completely unexpected.
She was 1314 years old. She had a collapsed trachea
issue and had some breathing respiratory issues and they
didn't do anything to see cause of death.
But I'm sure that her trachea collapse or her heart finally

(32:27):
just gave out from that whole situation.
And my mom said that it was one of the worst things that she had
ever experienced because she came home, their dogs are in the
kennel together and one of them was dead.
And she felt so bad for Ernie because he'd been in there for 2
1/2 hours with her body. I asked my mom, has there ever
been a time when you've had one of the dogs just passed like

(32:50):
that and she said no, we have always taken them and gone to
the vet and done it that way. We've never had this happen
before. And then there's other people
who feel that would just be easier because then they don't
have to make the decision. The dog exited on their own.
So again, that's that that personal.
Where is the line? I think that you have to really

(33:10):
be able to have an open mind andlook at it from so many
different perspectives because it isn't something that we
always have control over and we can't always plan for.
And sometimes even if we are planning for it and you schedule
the euthanasia and the doctor's supposed to come in four days,
but then the next morning your pets not there anymore.

(33:31):
It really is a very intricate, delicate situation.
I want to validate anybody that didn't stay.
There are a lot of reasons why people don't attend euthanasia.
And you're right, most people that come to me, if they made
that choice, they have a lot of guilt.
But my my number one priority for any beloved, any animal is

(33:52):
that their death be non chaotic,non catastrophe, non drama.
I really want every animal to have a lot of peace in that
moment and comfort. And there are occasions, and I
have worked with people where a guardian's presence would add
more chaos, more catastrophe, more drama to the situation for

(34:12):
the beloved. And if that's a possibility, I
want that beloved to be attended.
So sometimes I work with people who can attend, who can be there
for your beloved. And again, how long can you
stay? How long can you be there?
But listen, I've worked with people where I don't think it
was in the beloved's best interest and they didn't want to
be there. And the last thing I want for
beloved is someone who doesn't want to be in the room, who's
going to create a disturbance orscream or cry or yell or cause a

(34:36):
problem for the beloved. So I think it's very delicate
when I always advocate for people to be with their beloved.
They can, but if they cannot, there are reasons why that might
be a good choice. A lot of people come to me and
say there's no way I could ever be there at their starting
point. I can't do it.
And by the time we've worked together, we've talked it
through. I talk people through every step

(34:56):
of what a euthanasia experience is going to be like, and I
prepare them for a variety of different circumstances that
might come up. Which is another thing we don't
talk about enough is that thingscan go differently than any
euthanasia, than you might be expecting or a veterinarian
might not tell you some of the things that might happen that
can really startle you. So I love really walking people
through almost like a dress rehearsal visualization so they

(35:16):
really have a sense of, OK, here's what I want to do.
I even talk to people about, think about where you want to be
standing. Don't you want to be looking
into their eyes? You want to be holding them?
Really making a lot of these choices that eliminates for a
lot of people, fear and uncertainty.
And once people kind of know what to expect and get a little
more comfortable, I have my planof how I want to do this.
And here's some of the elements I'm going to bring in that are

(35:38):
meaningful to me. For many people that I work
with, the idea of being there becomes less.
It's daunting. I think it's very frightening
for people who have never experienced a euthanasia, don't
know what it's going to be like,and are perhaps imagining or
catastrophizing scenarios that aren't even how it goes.
So I think it's really powerful.And I would also say to anybody
who's feeling nervous about thisto really talk to your

(35:59):
veterinarian or if you're going to be using an in home
euthanasia service about exactlywhat it will be like.
Ask them to talk you through, ask them for advice and
recommendations. They've attended many of these.
They might have some things thatcan make it more support for
you, and if you're out there feeling like there's no way I
could possibly do it, Sometimes even having a trusted friend,

(36:19):
maybe someone who's experienced euthanasia, that you could talk
it through, give you some ideas,kind of mentally walk you
through what it might be like for you and things you can do
that will be supportive. I think a lot of people could be
there, but it's so scary and unknown.
It just feels like this chasm that many people just would
rather walk out makes sense. Trust me, I completely agree

(36:40):
with you. Like I said, that's my personal
recommendation is be there if you can be there.
I know what it's like as a vet tech when somebody probably
shouldn't have stayed and they do scream or cry or they're
getting angry. There was one time it was really
awful honestly, where a couple got into a fight in the middle
of the euthanasia when the dog was passing.

(37:01):
They were screaming and yelling at each other.
That's certainly not how I wouldwant to exit the world.
How could how could you ever want that for your pet?
But again, things happen and then that's why you're so
needed, right? Because people have all of those
feelings afterwards and they have no idea where do I go?
Who do I talk to? How do I find a community that

(37:23):
supports this? And I think that that is just
such a beautiful gift that you can give people because I would
have never even imagined that somebody like you had a program
and a community that supported people who need it and such,
like you said, a chaotic, very foggy period of time in their
lives. Because I think you're right, a

(37:44):
lot of people don't know what's involved in the euthanasia.
I was very fortunate to work forveterinarians who, depending on
the client preference, it would either be the vet tech or the
veterinarian would come in and say, OK, this is what's going to
happen. This is what we are going to do.
These are the things that might happen because of what we're
doing. This is about how long it will
take between this injection and this injection and things like

(38:07):
that. We're going to place a towel
because of this and that and theother thing.
And we would always walk all of our clients through that.
We would bring in tissue boxes. We would bring in, you know, all
of the things I had, I worked for very considerate doctors.
And I think that that's a huge, huge help for some people
because death for people is scary in general.

(38:28):
And now you have this little creature that you love so, so,
so, so much, and you have to help them experience that big
scary thing called death. And it's just really, really,
really hard. Yeah, another area where I wish
everyone could do some thinking about in advance, no matter how
old your beloved is, is about your beloved body and their

(38:52):
aftercare and what your preferences are for that.
Because so many people don't think ahead of what might feel
most supportive for them, and they feel very rushed in that
decision making. They feel pressured and they
feel like they don't know all their options or what's
possible. That's another area on the
anticipatory side that I like tohelp people really think
through. For some people, they of course

(39:13):
want to do a burial somewhere. OK, where's that going to be?
How are we going to do that? Some people feel very strongly
about cremation, as some people want to do aquamation.
Also preservation, by the way, the preservation is an option.
And within each of the choices, there are lots of questions to
be answered that you don't want to spend time thinking about.

(39:34):
You know, right after your beloved's euthanasia, there's a
lot of choices like do you want to take your beloved's body
yourself to wherever they're going to be cremated or
aquamated, which a lot of peopledon't know they can do.
That's just one example. Another example, a lot of people
don't know that it's OK to bringyour beloved's body home and not
put it in a freezer for a time. There's just a lot of education

(39:54):
around this and also things thatyou can be thinking about,
making decisions about. When I'm working both people on
the anticipatory side, my dream is that by the time we get to
that moment, whenever it is, that everyone feels that all my
decisions have been made that could have been made.
I have a plan. I know what to do.
And that's how I view preparation.
There are things that come up that are unexpected.
Their circumstances are unexpected.

(40:16):
And I don't believe that anyone can fully quote prepare for
this. There's there's too much to it,
but there are a lot of things that we can do.
And I'll tell you, one of the number one things we're looking
for in anticipatory grief is control because we feel so out
of control. We feel so helpless.
We don't know when it's going tohappen.
We don't know how bad it's goingto get.
We don't know what it's going tolook like.
The things that we don't know are endless and that makes us so

(40:37):
afraid and so powerless. So I love taking charge where we
can control, to make some plans,to make some decisions and do
what we can. Another area of control that I
love, and you touched on this earlier, is how can we celebrate
our beloved while they're here? Do we want to have a going away
party? That sounds unconventional to
some. If it makes sense for where they
are, think about having a going away party.

(40:59):
A lot of my clients with older animals, they do a bark mitzvah
13 or cats in year at 15 or however you want to do it.
Sweet 16 to celebrate our beloved's getting older.
I love bringing community together who who care about you,
who care about your beloved to say, hey, we're here to
celebrate you. I love doing end of life photo
shoots. So with our beloved, that's such
a powerful thing to take some professional photos.

(41:20):
I love doing bucket lists if it's right for your beloved.
I always like to say about any of this, there's a lot of
situations where none of those things are appropriate and
that's OK too. There's a lot of low key
activities. I've made several posts just
about very low key anticipatory grief activities you can do if
your beloved isn't up for doing other things.
A bucket list doesn't have to look like 10 hikes in the

(41:42):
mountains. You know, it can be very simple
small things too. But really thinking about how
can we commemorate this time of life, this very sacred and
tender time? How can we bring community
together to celebrate our beloveds?
And really we're bringing our beloveds community and we are
bringing ourselves community because hopefully that's part of
the community that we can lean on after their transition.

(42:05):
I mentioned the necklace earlier, but we did do a photo
shoot this year too. And let's see what else have I
done? I've had mini photos, mini
paintings of each dog's done. And then the after words, I have
Cajun and Fiona's ashes. I don't have Izzy's ashes, but I
have Cajun and Fiona's and I will get Toby's and Fitz's.
And eventually what I would likethen is to have this collection

(42:28):
of all of my dogs ashes being mixed in with my ashes.
And then I always say dumped in the ocean, but I think that's
illegal now. So I don't know if that'll
actually happen, but maybe we'llplant them in a tree or
something. I don't know.
But I would like when I exit theworld, I would like to exit with
my dogs. And I think that wherever I go,
then their ashes need to go in the same place.
And that's something that I thought long and hard about.

(42:49):
And some people think that it's weird and I'm OK with that.
I don't care. That doesn't matter.
It's not for them. It's.
For absolutely, there's a lot ofcomfort in knowing what that
next part of your beloved's bodyis going to be, what it's going
to be like, how it's going to be.
A lot of my clients love to pickout urns if they know that their
beloved is going to be cremated or aquimated, they find
tremendous comfort in even having the urn in their house

(43:11):
while their beloved is still here, right.
So it really is deeply personal.And the, The thing is naturally,
we don't want to think about a lot of these things, right?
We don't want to imagine this day is coming.
And so having some time and space to yourself to sit down
and think. And I would to say to people,
start off, if you're, if you're new to this idea, start off just
doing some free writing about what you would want if it were

(43:34):
you. What would you want if it was
your body, your end of life experience?
How would you want it to feel? How would you want people to
speak to you? What would be important to you?
What would you like done with your body?
How far would you want things togo medically?
What would be your quality of life standards?
Sometimes it's a very powerful exploration that again, most of
us haven't done just take a temperature check on our own
beliefs and our own. Values about end of life in

(43:56):
general, and then you can start asking those same questions
about your beloved. Many of my clients find it
easier to start thinking about their beloved once they've kind
of done it about themselves. So that's an easy, gentle way in
if you're feeling nervous about approaching.
I think that's a really excellent point of view.
Honestly, that's what did it forme as I started thinking about
what I wanted for me, I had gotten Cajun and Fiona's ashes

(44:18):
because I wanted them. I had to have my dad pick up
Cajun's ashes because I couldn'tforce myself to go back out to
the veterinary office where he had passed because I just, I
wasn't ready. That was the hardest one.
It was my first dog. It was just, it was so awful.
But I knew that I wanted to be able to keep him with me and so
I got his ashes. It was the same thing with
Fiona. And it did really take a lot of

(44:40):
reflection. Why did I do that?
And then thinking about, oh, well, if it was me and this is
how I would want it. I have commemorative tattoos of
my dogs on my arms, carrying them with me all of the time.
So of course I want to carry them with me when I pass.
And I think that for everybody that is going to look different.
And I think again, that that's OK.
You have to look at it from thatindividual unique kind of

(45:02):
perspective. And you're so good at doing that
and so good at helping people see from different perspectives
too. And I think that's what I like
the most about your community, especially doing the small
group, because I had never done small group therapy before.
And honestly, I was so nervous about it.
And I did one and then I did another one and I'm active in

(45:23):
the community. And it's, it's so strange
because you bond with these people who have had the same
experience, but not the same experience.
And you get to hear these stories about other people's
dogs or other people's cats and everything that they went
through and the decisions that they've made.
And you get to see them start atthe beginning of the however

(45:44):
many weeks the program is and then at the end of it.
And you still talk to some of them afterwards.
And it's just a really unique experience.
I think that it is such a great topic to do group therapy with
because you're getting to talk with people who understand what
you are talking about. Because even though your grief
is different than everyone else's grief and your feelings

(46:06):
for your pet are different than everyone else's feelings for
their pets, the whole concept ofit is the same and you are
speaking the same language, evenif it's in different shades of
that language. So I think it's really cool how
you have put people together in groups and and help them see
themselves in a different light just because of what someone

(46:27):
else's experience is. Absolutely.
And part of speaking the same language is that I don't work
with anybody that I don't want to work with.
By that I mean I screen everybody very carefully it
comes to me and make sure they're a good fit with me and
my approach and how I see things.
Because I only want people in myone on ones, in my small groups,
in my larger community, my client community who are up for

(46:48):
what I'm offering, which is we're going to work on tools.
We're going to find a lot of different ways to support
whatever you're experiencing. I got tools that are very nuts
and bolts kind of approach. I got some stuff that's more
out-of-the-box and woo woo and weird.
That's OK too. We never know what's really
going to support grief. So we try a lot of everything.
I want people who are open to trying.
I want people who do their homework.
I signed tons of homework and that's for a reason.

(47:09):
I want people who are going to really invest in themselves and
do the work and do the things outside of sessions that are
going to help you really make progress.
And what ends up happening is inthe community, everybody there
is speaking our language, our honoring our animals language.
And they've all made tremendous strides in their grief.
They're all working daily on howto be more connected to their
beloved and keep that relationship continuing.

(47:29):
And it is. It's an amazing place to be in
community and it's an amazing place to be leading because it's
inspiring every day. Can I come after you about
something about your future tripping though?
Because before we go, I just gotto come after this.
What if they both die at the same time thing?
Yeah. Please do expose me in front of
all of the listeners. No, I say come after you with
love because I just want to remind.
I want to just, I know you know this M, but I want to remind you

(47:52):
and I want to remind anybody listening about this future
tripping thing first of all, right here, right now.
That's one of my favorite phrases right here, right now.
Toby and Fitz are here, right here, right now.
Toby and Fitz are great. Right here, right now.
I am safe. They are safe.
You know, whenever you get into that fear of what's happening
next, you know the acronym for Fear Future Events already
realized. You just don't know.
You really don't know. Zelda was only a year and a half

(48:14):
older than Arnie, and in my mind, I always thought she'd die
first. She only had one kidney.
Her other one was totally shriveled.
She had been a street cat on themean streets of Pasadena, CA.
I thought for sure, and I never would have guessed that she
would have outlived Arnie by five years.
Didn't make any sense to me. We don't know when our beloveds
are going to transition, but there's no guarantee it's going
to be in short succession either.
So when that comes in for you, just to remind you, maybe ask

(48:36):
yourself, that's one possibility.
What's another possibility? Remember, we want to always be
thinking about all the other possibilities.
But more importantly, it's not very supportive.
It's not very supportive for youto walk around saying they're
both going to die at the same time and I'm going to be all
alone. You know how it is when we
notice sort of thought come in, maybe use a tool to move away
from that unsupportive thought and you might give out those
tools all the time. And, and one tool to move away

(48:58):
from that is just that question of what can I immediately do to
have a better day with both of them?
What's the first thing I can do right now to have a good day
with Fitz or a good day with Toby, right.
And also getting back to gratitude, that thought comes
in, you're both going to die andI'm going to be all alone.
Just lean over and shout and be like Fitz, You're such a good
boy with that new toy. What are you doing, sweetheart?
And thank you for being here. Thank you, Universe, for another
day with Toby, right. Really gleaning hard into that

(49:19):
gratitude in a toxic positivity way, but in a leg hey, you're
here I'm here we're loving life today.
We don't know what could happen to any of us.
We don't know and it's OK if that anxious thought comes in
you say all right, I hear you I hear that you're nervous.
This could come true, but my odds are pretty good it may not.
So I'm going to just release this because right here right
now everything's OK. What can you do to really
empower yourself? What can you do to give them

(49:41):
normalcy, happiness and peace? Because let me tell you, em, if
you do that, and I know you're going to do that, even if they
died at the exact same time, youwould know, hey, every day I
showed up with love and excitement and gratitude and
that their lives were incredible.
And if that happened to you at the same time, we'd work with
it, we'd move with it, we'd get you through.
And in the meantime, don't keep,don't keep reinforcing that
narrative. We just, we just don't know.

(50:02):
Look, I have the same problem because for the first time ever,
I adopted 2. I still call them the kitten.
They're like almost three now. I call them the kittens, but I
adopted two siblings from the same litter in my 2 orange boys.
I have that. I have that nervousness too.
Are they going to, are they going to die at the same time
because they're related or they going to die the same thing?
Am I going to caregiving for both of them at once?
You know, I go through all that.I'm only and I have to stay out
of that zone big time because I know I don't have control over

(50:25):
that. That's above my pay grade.
So all I can do is just enjoy every second, be grateful for
every second, acknowledge, yeah,someday this is going to come.
But right now what's in my control is having great moments
with them, fun moments with them, giving them the most
amazing lives so that I can reflect on their lives.
That their life was full of joy and happiness and fun and
normalcy and they weren't worried about my freak out over

(50:46):
how are they going to go at the same time.
That'll be the worst. I'm right there with you and
let's just keep bring that back in.
Come into right here, right now and remind yourself that's only
one possibility. Yeah, and like you said before,
the right here, right now, your,your pets live in the right here
right now. So stay here in the right here,
right now with them in the moment and enjoy it for what it
is. Because eventually you aren't

(51:07):
going to have it anymore. So you better enjoy it while
you. Can't.
Amen. All right.
Well, we are going to wrap up, but before we do, why don't you,
I always tell you know the the guests to leave the listeners
with something and I know that you have something big to leave
the listeners with. So I'm going to let you do that
before we sign off. It is pretty big, pretty

(51:27):
amazing. Thanks so much.
I have a book that is being published on April 22nd by
Quarto Publisher. I'm so excited.
The book is called Honoring Our Animals, 365 Meditations for
healing after Pet Lost. It's a daily meditation book.
So in other words, you can have me every single day of the year,

(51:48):
little cheerleader in your corner, giving you some
empowerment, helping you find ways to feel connected to your
beloved, helping you with tools for guilt, for anger, for
jealousy, for comparison, for milestones, whatever's coming
up. We got lots of practical tools
and strategies and of course, lots of reminders about taking
care of yourself. Each day we have a short little
meditation about whatever where the topic is that I want to talk

(52:09):
about. And then we have an invitation,
which is like an action step that you can put something into
action immediately to start reinforcing this throughout your
day. So I've put a lot of love and
energy into it and cannot wait. So that is available now on
Amazon for pre-order. You can put in honoring our
animals or you can put in my name Beth Vigler and find it
there. So I'd love to have all of you

(52:30):
go check that out. Put that in your cart.
It's going to be an amazing giftfor anybody you know who's
experiencing a loss. It's very digestive, very
approachable. It's also a beautiful gift for
yourself. In the back, there's an index
where you can look at different topics and say, oh, am I having
a hard time with one of these type of topics today?
And you can go right to all the entries that talk about that.

(52:50):
I appreciate all of you for supporting the book.
And of course, please continue to follow me on Instagram and
honoring our animals. I have twice daily original
content about pet loss, grief. I have a monthly memorial
service where you can honor yourbeloveds.
I also have a weekly newsletter you can sign up for where you
can just get kind of a of inspiration once a week about
both anticipatory and post loss grief.

(53:11):
And of course, if anybody's looking for deeper support, you
can reach out to me through my website or through my Instagram
about working together one-on-one or in a small cohort
group like Emma's mentioning andcome on into my community of
incredible grieving guardians. I would love to get to know you
better. Thank you.
Thank you. And of course, you guys, we will
have Beth come back because we are trying to normalize this

(53:34):
topic of pet loss and grief and the goings through it as we all
do. And we thank you for listening
to this episode of Straight Up Dog Talk and we will see you
guys next. Straight Up Dog Talk was created
by Emily Breslin. It is edited and produced under
the supervision of Straight Up Dog Talk, LLC and Emily Breslin.
If you're enjoying this podcast,follow or subscribe and be sure

(53:56):
you don't miss an episode and leave us a review on your
favorite podcast platform. Looking for more honest and
relatable dog content? Check out our sister show,
Unpacked with Jerry Sheriff and Madison Simpson.
Thanks for listening to StraightUp Dog Top.
See you next week.