August 5, 2024 • 25 mins
Hey there, fellow bad moms! 🌟
In this episode, we dive deep into the hilarious and heartwarming world of toddler triumphs, starting with the most basic of all: pooping in the potty! 🎉
Ever wondered why we react the way we do to our kids' bodily functions? Or how we can turn these moments into confidence-boosting experiences instead of shame-inducing ones? Spoiler alert: It involves a lot of laughs and a bit of perspective-shifting. 🦸♂️
We also chat about the importance of letting our kids express themselves, whether it’s through mismatched socks or superhero capes at the grocery store. Because who cares if Gladys in the checkout line gives you a weird look? Your kid is rocking that cape with pride! 🦸♀️ F*ck that b*tch! 🖕
So, grab your favorite drink, sit back, and let's laugh our way through the ups and downs of parenthood. And remember, we’re all in this together, one poop at a time. 💩❤️
Catch you later, bad moms! 🌟
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:29):
And I was amazed to see that we already have supporters outside of the U.S.
I didn't know bad moms were worldwide.
I thought that was a rebellion towards the toxic and unrealistic social constructs
of motherhood or parenthood placed upon predominantly women in our Western society.
But apparently, it's a worldwide social construct.
(00:52):
How exciting. Before we get into today's episode, I want to take the time to
make sure you all know how to find the podcast and the website.
This podcast is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon,
iHeartRadio, YouTube, anywhere you pretty much get your podcasts.
My website for my practice, which has a link to the podcast and other resources,
(01:16):
is playfulattachmentcounseling.com.
So you can go there, connect, share, like, subscribe, email,
learn how to become a VP of the Bad Moms Club with special access to unpublished
episodes, resources, and merchandise.
Let's get into the episode that is lovingly titled, Mom, Look,
(01:37):
I Pooped in the Potty! embracing confidence and not shame in your child.
Sit back, relax, and let's do this shit.
Music.
(01:58):
Okay, welcome back. All right, let's get into it.
So everyone poops. You poop, I poop, cat poops. And if you remember from the
last episode, the cat poops at the worst times.
Dogs poop, fish poop, your neighbor poops, Angelina Jolie poops,
though I don't think her poops are big poops at all.
(02:18):
I bet they're like small and thin, and then they just like disintegrate like horse poop does.
Even Bradley Cooper and Alexander Skarsgård poops.
Awful truth, I know. It's sad. All right, Ash, enough with the poop,
right? What's your point?
If we all know this to be true, why do we react the way that we do when it happens,
(02:39):
particularly when it happens with our kids?
We can't be shocked that they pooped, yet we react like they just called you
a whore or their teacher a bitch. Oh my gosh, Jordan, do not talk like that.
I can't believe you would say that.
Perhaps we need to, A, get a grip, and B, be a little more supportive and understanding
(03:02):
of when our kids want to share moments with us that give them pride and confidence.
Pride and confidence in pooping? Yeah, in pooping.
This seemingly minor incident can snowball into a learned sense of self and
shape overall confidence in our children moving into their adolescent and adult lives.
(03:23):
Gather round, children of the podcast and beyond, and I will enlighten thee.
Parenting young children is not for the faint of heart.
Sometimes you have to just find the humor in the bazaar and roll with it.
When your child decides that pants are optional in the house,
or when they help you cook by adding an entire bottle of sprinkles into the
(03:48):
pasta sauce, or when they finally are able to poop in the potty.
Jesus, Ashley, enough with the poop for one episode. I hear you. Keep strong.
And they run out of the living room naked as a jaybird to announce their recent achievement,
only to discover that the living room also includes your conservative elderly
grandparents who are visiting from out of town and now will go to the grave
(04:12):
with at least one image of your child buck naked yelling about pooping.
Such a great moment and memory.
When these moments happen, take a deep breath and laugh.
Then run to cover your child up while praising them for their effective persistent pooping skills.
Good news is these fleeting moments often become the best stories to tell later,
(04:37):
and they also make for great blackmail content when they're teenagers. You're welcome.
Referring back to the previous episode, if you remember that when a child feels
secure in their environment, they are more willing to learn new skills.
This includes toilet engagement.
(04:58):
We don't want to shame them or lead them to believe that they,
as a person, are wrong, just because they might have chosen a different behavior
than what we might have preferred.
They don't know what they don't know. They are learning everything for the first time.
(05:18):
Think about it. Let's get philosophical for a minute. it.
Everything a child does is the first time they're doing it in that exact time and space.
What the fuck is this bitch talking about? Hang with me.
In fact, we all are doing things for the first time in this exact time and space.
(05:41):
However, we usually don't celebrate these moments because we've likely at least
done the act before, just in a different space and time.
So it's routine for us. It's predictable.
For a child, especially a young child under the age of five,
they quite literally are experiencing things for the first time ever,
(06:04):
in any space, in any time.
So naturally, they are bound to get things incorrect or behave in ways that are less than ideal.
They have to learn somehow, right?
Going back to the naked child proudly announcing their accomplishment.
Should they be going to the bathroom in the toilet? Yes, ideally.
(06:25):
We don't plan to keep them in diapers or pull-ups forever, right?
So we aim for the toilet as soon as we feel our child can attempt it with moderate success, okay?
Our child literally just did
the thing we're hoping and prepping and teaching and bribing them about.
The problem, according to us, is that they decided to announce their accomplishment
(06:49):
loudly, naked, and with company over.
Okay, not the most ideal situation.
However, let's look at this deeper, shall we?
Number one, we want our kid to use the toilet.
Number two, we practice this behavior with them repeatedly using any means we think might work.
(07:12):
Number three, our child finally accomplishes the goal we set for them.
Should be a win-win, right?
But you all know, just as I do, that's typically not what ends up happening
in this particular scenario.
Scenario. You or someone you know will freak out, yell at the child,
(07:33):
and go back into the bathroom, cover up, and then proceed to give your child
a lecture on acceptable behaviors around going to the bathroom.
Now the child is super confused, likely upset, embarrassed, scared,
and probably doesn't want to go out into the living room at all for the rest
of the day, or at least while while grandma and grandpa are out there.
(07:54):
Whoa, what the fuck happened?
Let's go over the sequence again. Number one, child is trained for days and
weeks to shit in the potty.
Number two, parent continues to reward, bribe, encourage child to eventually
be able to shit in the potty without destroying their underwear,
(08:15):
diaper, pull-up, or the floor.
Number three, child literally literally accomplishes said goal.
Remember, the goal was to shit in the potty.
That's it. Shit goes in the toilet, flush, the end. Congrats. That was the goal.
Number four, child shares accomplishment with parent fully expecting a reward
(08:39):
or even better, a proud parent that will shower them with love and affection and awesomeness.
Number five, parent receives child's announcement negatively and responds to the child negatively.
Number six, child is confused and upset, is unsure what the problem is because
(09:01):
the goal was to shit in the toilet and they fucking shit in the toilet and now
mom's becoming unhinged and the child is utterly confused.
Number seven, parent-child relationship just experienced a rupture.
Number eight, child feels a sense of shame. Child feels confused because they
thought they did the thing that they were supposed to do, but mom got mad.
(09:22):
So now they're not sure what the fuck to do anymore.
Now they'll never shit in the toilet again and they'll forever be in diapers.
Extreme way to think about it. Maybe. But though I put some exaggerations on
the whole thing, the concept and the rupture is the same.
Let's talk about that scenario.
(09:44):
Let's take that same scenario and restructure it to be a more accepting and
supportive environment for the child.
Child shits in toilet. Child announces accomplishment to family, butt-ass naked.
Grandma and grandpa see. Mom is maybe embarrassed, but instead responds to the
(10:06):
child with support in saying, oh my gosh, that's awesome,
while they run to escort them back into to the bathroom quickly.
While in the bathroom, perhaps you continue with the praise and say something
like, oh, wow, you did make a good poop in the potty. Nice work.
I'm so proud of you. You worked so hard and you finally got it.
(10:31):
Hugs, high fives, whatever. And yeah, you can wait until they wash their hands
if that kind of stuff skeeves you out.
While your child gets dressed, you might say something like,
I'm just so proud of you, honey.
How awesome. Oh, I almost forgot.
Next time you take an awesome poop or pee in the toilet, you can come tell me
(10:54):
quietly after you're dressed and finished in here though, okay?
Just in case anyone is over. Okay, honey? And sure they respond back and they
understand what you said.
Great. I'm so proud of you, honey. So, so proud. All right, let's wash up and
let's get back out there, okay?
You both come out of the bathroom with smiles and carry on with your conversation
(11:18):
with grandma and grandpa or whoever.
Very different feeling, isn't it? Same situation, different response.
Notice how there was no rupture either in that exchange.
We were able to acknowledge our child's accomplishments and we were able to
(11:38):
give them more knowledge of appropriate behavior around going to the bathroom
without shaming or yelling.
Now that's the win-win.
From that point, the likelihood that your child will be more eager and willing
to try new things, trust their abilities, and feel more secure in their relationship
(12:00):
and the environment is much more likely.
Easier said than done, I know. It will take work and patience and time.
But you are capable. You can do hard things.
Things if you weren't capable or you
didn't think you could learn something or find better
ways to manage the harmony in the household you likely
(12:23):
wouldn't be listening to this podcast but honestly
ash i thought you were just going to get on here and talk shit for 30 minutes
and make me feel less alone i wasn't exactly expecting homework to come from
it valid however you might have come here to hear me bitch about how utterly
insane and obnoxious kids are. And I do. And they are.
(12:45):
Though I can appreciate some healthy bitching. As a therapist,
I also am of the belief that you are in control of your choices.
Meaning if all you want to take from this podcast is to compare and contrast
your child against the behaviors discussed on here, do you boo boo.
All I'm saying is maybe Maybe in addition to the comparative note taking,
(13:10):
you possibly try and move the needle yourself, starting with yourself for yourself.
All the other stuff will fall into place once you are able to see your environment
and those in it a little differently.
Kids don't know what they don't know, remember? As adults, we do know what they don't know.
(13:30):
It's our job to show, teach, and assist them in learning these behaviors and nuances.
Let's talk about a few other things to kind of keep the ball rolling here.
Your kid asks for water. You say, okay, and you go and grab a cup.
The child yells for the blue cup.
(13:50):
Okay, no problem. Easy enough. You get the blue cup.
You give it to them and then they have a complete and utter fucking meltdown.
And you're looking at your hands that is holding the blue cup and they're screaming
and crying and flop around like you just performed an exorcism on them.
Then finally, after five minutes of green pea soup all over the kitchen,
(14:14):
they tell you that they didn't want that blue cup.
They wanted the other blue cup.
Let's just pause and reflect here, shall we? Your kid requests a beverage in a desired cup.
You attend to said child with requested beverage in desired cup.
(14:35):
Then, out of nowhere, your child's head spins and unrecognizable language starts
to spew out of their mouths along with animated arms and legs.
You might be standing there confused and wondering, I'm sorry, what?
What the fuck just happened? And you might also be wondering,
who cares what blue cup you get? Why does this fucking matter?
(14:59):
I give you what you literally asked for. And because I couldn't read your crazy
little fucking head, you're losing your shit right in front of my eyes.
You may be thinking that on the inside, but on the outside, hopefully you smile
or do some kind of pleasant gesture and say, oh, I'm sorry, child's name.
(15:21):
I didn't realize you wanted the other blue cup. Oh, mommy got it wrong.
Come with me and let's go find the blue cup you were really wanting.
And you both walk to the kitchen and swap the awful bullshit peasant blue cup
that you selected, you big dumbass, and switch it for the delightful, appropriate,
(15:43):
angelic blue cup that your child obviously meant for you to get.
What I just did with that was I acknowledged that I got something wrong,
even though, let's be honest, we didn't get anything wrong. They're just crazy.
But to them, they learned, oh, mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa,
(16:03):
uncle, whoever, this adult figure makes mistakes, and they don't flop on the
ground and have a seizure over the mistake? Hmm, curious.
Now, is that what's really going on in their brain in that moment? No.
However, through practice and through them seeing that adults can make mistakes,
and not only do they make mistakes, but they correct the mistake and they learn from the mistake.
(16:29):
They don't flop around on the ground like a fucking crazy person.
And so by you allowing them to choose whatever blue fucking cup they want,
this indirectly directly communicates that the child matters,
that they matter to you, that we as the adult see them as the child,
as an individual that matters.
(16:51):
And some of you may be going, well, yeah, of course they matter. They're my kid.
Yeah, well, let's be honest. Not everybody has that thought process.
But even still, we can give them more autonomy when they're younger.
When they get older, they will be more able to make decisions and choices for
(17:12):
themselves without having to rely on 14 other people to tell them what they need to do.
Another scenario where we could be giving the child autonomy and learning a
lot from it would be, you know, let's say that we need to go to the grocery store.
We tell the child, I need you to get dressed. We need to go to the grocery store.
(17:35):
They go get dressed and come out with a princess dress on or a superhero cape
or two different socks on or a patterned shirt and patterned shorts or whatever.
So for this example, let's just go with the superhero cape. So they come out
with the superhero cape.
Most of us have basically been taught or grew up in an environment where the
(17:57):
adult figure would say, basically, what the fuck are you wearing?
Go back into your room, change your clothes.
You're not wearing that stupid fucking cape. You know, we got shit to do.
I mean, some of our parents might have quite literally said that and others
might have alluded to that. But the message is still the same.
And there's usually a fight. They're spending all this time crying and just
(18:20):
wishing they had a different parent.
And then you have to come in and get them dressed, which is like an Olympic event in and of itself.
And then everybody's pissed off. So it's just an unpleasant environment to begin with.
So instead of telling your crazy child to go back and change their clothes because
they look like they were just released from a mental hospital,
(18:41):
you say instead, I didn't know you were a superhero, too.
Oh, my gosh. That means you can help me with the grocery list because you have superpowers.
This is going to be so awesome. them.
Whatever level of enthusiasm you choose to put on that is up to you.
(19:02):
What matters is that the child believes that you are being authentic because
you should be authentic.
Even if they do look like they were fucking blind when they put their clothes
on, you want to encourage that creativity and that growth.
We are too worried about what everybody else is going to say, the judgment.
(19:24):
They don't care that they have two completely different socks on because they put that on.
They feel some kind of way about it. They like it. They don't care that they're
wearing a superhero cape.
They chose it. They feel confident in that already.
They're ready to go. They're like, all right, got to go to the grocery store.
(19:45):
All right, hold up. Let me grab my two different socks and my superhero cape
and let's go fucking do this shit like they're ready to go.
All of that is all in our head. But in the meantime, do you think our kid gives a shit?
No. They don't care. Why? Because it doesn't bother them.
(20:06):
Because they weren't preconditioned to care about that.
They don't care if Gladys in the checkout line is going to give them a weird
look or say some shit to you.
They don't care. Because for one, they probably don't even realize that Gladys exists.
And if she does, they're probably, hopefully, staying away from her and closer
(20:27):
to you because stranger danger.
But yet we still place these limitations on them because we care.
It's us in our adult brains, in our own anxieties and insecurities that we place on them.
That is what comes up. It's our stuff.
We have pride. We want to be right. We especially don't want to be told what
(20:51):
to do by a little miniature drunk adult.
I mean, sure, there's a time and a place. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that
your kid dress in a bathing suit to go skiing or dress in a princess costume to a funeral.
I mean, maybe that's appropriate. I don't know. Do you?
So think about it. Think about why you're correcting the behavior.
(21:13):
Going back to our poop hoop scenario. Think about why you are correcting their
choices, going back to our green pea soup and blue cup scenario,
as well as the grocery store scenario.
And think about why you give a fuck whether your child goes out in a superhero
(21:36):
cape or mismatched clothing,
or why you give a fuck that your kid decided to run out in the living room butt-ass
naked declaring their poop victory.
We get stuck in our heads and our anxiety we project onto our children,
which becomes their anxiety.
(21:56):
It's your stuff. And we can't be projecting our stuff onto our kids because that's our stuff.
We can't hold our children responsible for some unprocessed shit that we have
to deal with in our adult life with our adult brain.
And we also tend to forget that, you know, our two,
(22:20):
three or four year old or whatever is two, three and four years old on this
earth and that they're not adults and that when we were two,
three and four years old, we were just as stupid as they were.
So maybe we cut them some slack. Maybe we stop judging them so hard.
And maybe we stop judging ourselves so hard too.
(22:45):
And laugh, laugh at some shit. Your kid is going to do stupid crap and it's going to continue.
And it's not going to get better necessarily.
It's just going to get more creative the older that they get.
And in their teenage years, they're going to get more creative and they're going
(23:06):
to add another element to that, which is their mouth and more vocal about how
fucking stupid they are.
But regardless, as the parent, as the adult, we have to be the model for them.
We have to show them that it's okay to fail.
It's okay to make mistakes because everybody makes mistakes.
(23:31):
We have to just learn from them. We have to be those models.
And if we're not those models, somebody else will be.
And do we really want to leave that open for interpretation for anybody else
or any group of people to come along and suck in our child because they just
(23:54):
so happen to have a parent who just so happen to be insecure.
Let's do and be better. At least let's be better bad moms.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Bad Moms Club,
a podcast for the rest of us.
I hope this was helpful in some way, and I also hope to hear what your thought
(24:18):
of this podcast or show is in general.
Look forward to next week's episode, Go the Fuck to Sleep, which tackles naps,
bedtimes, and routines.
If you have any questions or comments you'd like to discuss on future episodes,
please reach out to me on social media or on my website at PlayfulAttachment.com.
(24:44):
Music.
And I was amazed to see that we already have supporters outside of the U.S.
I didn't know bad moms were worldwide.
I thought that was a rebellion towards the toxic and unrealistic social constructs
of motherhood or parenthood placed upon predominantly women in our Western society.
But apparently, it's a worldwide social construct.
(00:52):
How exciting. Before we get into today's episode, I want to take the time to
make sure you all know how to find the podcast and the website.
This podcast is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon,
iHeartRadio, YouTube, anywhere you pretty much get your podcasts.
My website for my practice, which has a link to the podcast and other resources,
(01:16):
is playfulattachmentcounseling.com.
So you can go there, connect, share, like, subscribe, email,
learn how to become a VP of the Bad Moms Club with special access to unpublished
episodes, resources, and merchandise.
Let's get into the episode that is lovingly titled, Mom, Look,
(01:37):
I Pooped in the Potty! embracing confidence and not shame in your child.
Sit back, relax, and let's do this shit.
Music.
(01:58):
Okay, welcome back. All right, let's get into it.
So everyone poops. You poop, I poop, cat poops. And if you remember from the
last episode, the cat poops at the worst times.
Dogs poop, fish poop, your neighbor poops, Angelina Jolie poops,
though I don't think her poops are big poops at all.
(02:18):
I bet they're like small and thin, and then they just like disintegrate like horse poop does.
Even Bradley Cooper and Alexander Skarsgård poops.
Awful truth, I know. It's sad. All right, Ash, enough with the poop,
right? What's your point?
If we all know this to be true, why do we react the way that we do when it happens,
(02:39):
particularly when it happens with our kids?
We can't be shocked that they pooped, yet we react like they just called you
a whore or their teacher a bitch. Oh my gosh, Jordan, do not talk like that.
I can't believe you would say that.
Perhaps we need to, A, get a grip, and B, be a little more supportive and understanding
(03:02):
of when our kids want to share moments with us that give them pride and confidence.
Pride and confidence in pooping? Yeah, in pooping.
This seemingly minor incident can snowball into a learned sense of self and
shape overall confidence in our children moving into their adolescent and adult lives.
(03:23):
Gather round, children of the podcast and beyond, and I will enlighten thee.
Parenting young children is not for the faint of heart.
Sometimes you have to just find the humor in the bazaar and roll with it.
When your child decides that pants are optional in the house,
or when they help you cook by adding an entire bottle of sprinkles into the
(03:48):
pasta sauce, or when they finally are able to poop in the potty.
Jesus, Ashley, enough with the poop for one episode. I hear you. Keep strong.
And they run out of the living room naked as a jaybird to announce their recent achievement,
only to discover that the living room also includes your conservative elderly
grandparents who are visiting from out of town and now will go to the grave
(04:12):
with at least one image of your child buck naked yelling about pooping.
Such a great moment and memory.
When these moments happen, take a deep breath and laugh.
Then run to cover your child up while praising them for their effective persistent pooping skills.
Good news is these fleeting moments often become the best stories to tell later,
(04:37):
and they also make for great blackmail content when they're teenagers. You're welcome.
Referring back to the previous episode, if you remember that when a child feels
secure in their environment, they are more willing to learn new skills.
This includes toilet engagement.
(04:58):
We don't want to shame them or lead them to believe that they,
as a person, are wrong, just because they might have chosen a different behavior
than what we might have preferred.
They don't know what they don't know. They are learning everything for the first time.
(05:18):
Think about it. Let's get philosophical for a minute. it.
Everything a child does is the first time they're doing it in that exact time and space.
What the fuck is this bitch talking about? Hang with me.
In fact, we all are doing things for the first time in this exact time and space.
(05:41):
However, we usually don't celebrate these moments because we've likely at least
done the act before, just in a different space and time.
So it's routine for us. It's predictable.
For a child, especially a young child under the age of five,
they quite literally are experiencing things for the first time ever,
(06:04):
in any space, in any time.
So naturally, they are bound to get things incorrect or behave in ways that are less than ideal.
They have to learn somehow, right?
Going back to the naked child proudly announcing their accomplishment.
Should they be going to the bathroom in the toilet? Yes, ideally.
(06:25):
We don't plan to keep them in diapers or pull-ups forever, right?
So we aim for the toilet as soon as we feel our child can attempt it with moderate success, okay?
Our child literally just did
the thing we're hoping and prepping and teaching and bribing them about.
The problem, according to us, is that they decided to announce their accomplishment
(06:49):
loudly, naked, and with company over.
Okay, not the most ideal situation.
However, let's look at this deeper, shall we?
Number one, we want our kid to use the toilet.
Number two, we practice this behavior with them repeatedly using any means we think might work.
(07:12):
Number three, our child finally accomplishes the goal we set for them.
Should be a win-win, right?
But you all know, just as I do, that's typically not what ends up happening
in this particular scenario.
Scenario. You or someone you know will freak out, yell at the child,
(07:33):
and go back into the bathroom, cover up, and then proceed to give your child
a lecture on acceptable behaviors around going to the bathroom.
Now the child is super confused, likely upset, embarrassed, scared,
and probably doesn't want to go out into the living room at all for the rest
of the day, or at least while while grandma and grandpa are out there.
(07:54):
Whoa, what the fuck happened?
Let's go over the sequence again. Number one, child is trained for days and
weeks to shit in the potty.
Number two, parent continues to reward, bribe, encourage child to eventually
be able to shit in the potty without destroying their underwear,
(08:15):
diaper, pull-up, or the floor.
Number three, child literally literally accomplishes said goal.
Remember, the goal was to shit in the potty.
That's it. Shit goes in the toilet, flush, the end. Congrats. That was the goal.
Number four, child shares accomplishment with parent fully expecting a reward
(08:39):
or even better, a proud parent that will shower them with love and affection and awesomeness.
Number five, parent receives child's announcement negatively and responds to the child negatively.
Number six, child is confused and upset, is unsure what the problem is because
(09:01):
the goal was to shit in the toilet and they fucking shit in the toilet and now
mom's becoming unhinged and the child is utterly confused.
Number seven, parent-child relationship just experienced a rupture.
Number eight, child feels a sense of shame. Child feels confused because they
thought they did the thing that they were supposed to do, but mom got mad.
(09:22):
So now they're not sure what the fuck to do anymore.
Now they'll never shit in the toilet again and they'll forever be in diapers.
Extreme way to think about it. Maybe. But though I put some exaggerations on
the whole thing, the concept and the rupture is the same.
Let's talk about that scenario.
(09:44):
Let's take that same scenario and restructure it to be a more accepting and
supportive environment for the child.
Child shits in toilet. Child announces accomplishment to family, butt-ass naked.
Grandma and grandpa see. Mom is maybe embarrassed, but instead responds to the
(10:06):
child with support in saying, oh my gosh, that's awesome,
while they run to escort them back into to the bathroom quickly.
While in the bathroom, perhaps you continue with the praise and say something
like, oh, wow, you did make a good poop in the potty. Nice work.
I'm so proud of you. You worked so hard and you finally got it.
(10:31):
Hugs, high fives, whatever. And yeah, you can wait until they wash their hands
if that kind of stuff skeeves you out.
While your child gets dressed, you might say something like,
I'm just so proud of you, honey.
How awesome. Oh, I almost forgot.
Next time you take an awesome poop or pee in the toilet, you can come tell me
(10:54):
quietly after you're dressed and finished in here though, okay?
Just in case anyone is over. Okay, honey? And sure they respond back and they
understand what you said.
Great. I'm so proud of you, honey. So, so proud. All right, let's wash up and
let's get back out there, okay?
You both come out of the bathroom with smiles and carry on with your conversation
(11:18):
with grandma and grandpa or whoever.
Very different feeling, isn't it? Same situation, different response.
Notice how there was no rupture either in that exchange.
We were able to acknowledge our child's accomplishments and we were able to
(11:38):
give them more knowledge of appropriate behavior around going to the bathroom
without shaming or yelling.
Now that's the win-win.
From that point, the likelihood that your child will be more eager and willing
to try new things, trust their abilities, and feel more secure in their relationship
(12:00):
and the environment is much more likely.
Easier said than done, I know. It will take work and patience and time.
But you are capable. You can do hard things.
Things if you weren't capable or you
didn't think you could learn something or find better
ways to manage the harmony in the household you likely
(12:23):
wouldn't be listening to this podcast but honestly
ash i thought you were just going to get on here and talk shit for 30 minutes
and make me feel less alone i wasn't exactly expecting homework to come from
it valid however you might have come here to hear me bitch about how utterly
insane and obnoxious kids are. And I do. And they are.
(12:45):
Though I can appreciate some healthy bitching. As a therapist,
I also am of the belief that you are in control of your choices.
Meaning if all you want to take from this podcast is to compare and contrast
your child against the behaviors discussed on here, do you boo boo.
All I'm saying is maybe Maybe in addition to the comparative note taking,
(13:10):
you possibly try and move the needle yourself, starting with yourself for yourself.
All the other stuff will fall into place once you are able to see your environment
and those in it a little differently.
Kids don't know what they don't know, remember? As adults, we do know what they don't know.
(13:30):
It's our job to show, teach, and assist them in learning these behaviors and nuances.
Let's talk about a few other things to kind of keep the ball rolling here.
Your kid asks for water. You say, okay, and you go and grab a cup.
The child yells for the blue cup.
(13:50):
Okay, no problem. Easy enough. You get the blue cup.
You give it to them and then they have a complete and utter fucking meltdown.
And you're looking at your hands that is holding the blue cup and they're screaming
and crying and flop around like you just performed an exorcism on them.
Then finally, after five minutes of green pea soup all over the kitchen,
(14:14):
they tell you that they didn't want that blue cup.
They wanted the other blue cup.
Let's just pause and reflect here, shall we? Your kid requests a beverage in a desired cup.
You attend to said child with requested beverage in desired cup.
(14:35):
Then, out of nowhere, your child's head spins and unrecognizable language starts
to spew out of their mouths along with animated arms and legs.
You might be standing there confused and wondering, I'm sorry, what?
What the fuck just happened? And you might also be wondering,
who cares what blue cup you get? Why does this fucking matter?
(14:59):
I give you what you literally asked for. And because I couldn't read your crazy
little fucking head, you're losing your shit right in front of my eyes.
You may be thinking that on the inside, but on the outside, hopefully you smile
or do some kind of pleasant gesture and say, oh, I'm sorry, child's name.
(15:21):
I didn't realize you wanted the other blue cup. Oh, mommy got it wrong.
Come with me and let's go find the blue cup you were really wanting.
And you both walk to the kitchen and swap the awful bullshit peasant blue cup
that you selected, you big dumbass, and switch it for the delightful, appropriate,
(15:43):
angelic blue cup that your child obviously meant for you to get.
What I just did with that was I acknowledged that I got something wrong,
even though, let's be honest, we didn't get anything wrong. They're just crazy.
But to them, they learned, oh, mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa,
(16:03):
uncle, whoever, this adult figure makes mistakes, and they don't flop on the
ground and have a seizure over the mistake? Hmm, curious.
Now, is that what's really going on in their brain in that moment? No.
However, through practice and through them seeing that adults can make mistakes,
and not only do they make mistakes, but they correct the mistake and they learn from the mistake.
(16:29):
They don't flop around on the ground like a fucking crazy person.
And so by you allowing them to choose whatever blue fucking cup they want,
this indirectly directly communicates that the child matters,
that they matter to you, that we as the adult see them as the child,
as an individual that matters.
(16:51):
And some of you may be going, well, yeah, of course they matter. They're my kid.
Yeah, well, let's be honest. Not everybody has that thought process.
But even still, we can give them more autonomy when they're younger.
When they get older, they will be more able to make decisions and choices for
(17:12):
themselves without having to rely on 14 other people to tell them what they need to do.
Another scenario where we could be giving the child autonomy and learning a
lot from it would be, you know, let's say that we need to go to the grocery store.
We tell the child, I need you to get dressed. We need to go to the grocery store.
(17:35):
They go get dressed and come out with a princess dress on or a superhero cape
or two different socks on or a patterned shirt and patterned shorts or whatever.
So for this example, let's just go with the superhero cape. So they come out
with the superhero cape.
Most of us have basically been taught or grew up in an environment where the
(17:57):
adult figure would say, basically, what the fuck are you wearing?
Go back into your room, change your clothes.
You're not wearing that stupid fucking cape. You know, we got shit to do.
I mean, some of our parents might have quite literally said that and others
might have alluded to that. But the message is still the same.
And there's usually a fight. They're spending all this time crying and just
(18:20):
wishing they had a different parent.
And then you have to come in and get them dressed, which is like an Olympic event in and of itself.
And then everybody's pissed off. So it's just an unpleasant environment to begin with.
So instead of telling your crazy child to go back and change their clothes because
they look like they were just released from a mental hospital,
(18:41):
you say instead, I didn't know you were a superhero, too.
Oh, my gosh. That means you can help me with the grocery list because you have superpowers.
This is going to be so awesome. them.
Whatever level of enthusiasm you choose to put on that is up to you.
(19:02):
What matters is that the child believes that you are being authentic because
you should be authentic.
Even if they do look like they were fucking blind when they put their clothes
on, you want to encourage that creativity and that growth.
We are too worried about what everybody else is going to say, the judgment.
(19:24):
They don't care that they have two completely different socks on because they put that on.
They feel some kind of way about it. They like it. They don't care that they're
wearing a superhero cape.
They chose it. They feel confident in that already.
They're ready to go. They're like, all right, got to go to the grocery store.
(19:45):
All right, hold up. Let me grab my two different socks and my superhero cape
and let's go fucking do this shit like they're ready to go.
All of that is all in our head. But in the meantime, do you think our kid gives a shit?
No. They don't care. Why? Because it doesn't bother them.
(20:06):
Because they weren't preconditioned to care about that.
They don't care if Gladys in the checkout line is going to give them a weird
look or say some shit to you.
They don't care. Because for one, they probably don't even realize that Gladys exists.
And if she does, they're probably, hopefully, staying away from her and closer
(20:27):
to you because stranger danger.
But yet we still place these limitations on them because we care.
It's us in our adult brains, in our own anxieties and insecurities that we place on them.
That is what comes up. It's our stuff.
We have pride. We want to be right. We especially don't want to be told what
(20:51):
to do by a little miniature drunk adult.
I mean, sure, there's a time and a place. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that
your kid dress in a bathing suit to go skiing or dress in a princess costume to a funeral.
I mean, maybe that's appropriate. I don't know. Do you?
So think about it. Think about why you're correcting the behavior.
(21:13):
Going back to our poop hoop scenario. Think about why you are correcting their
choices, going back to our green pea soup and blue cup scenario,
as well as the grocery store scenario.
And think about why you give a fuck whether your child goes out in a superhero
(21:36):
cape or mismatched clothing,
or why you give a fuck that your kid decided to run out in the living room butt-ass
naked declaring their poop victory.
We get stuck in our heads and our anxiety we project onto our children,
which becomes their anxiety.
(21:56):
It's your stuff. And we can't be projecting our stuff onto our kids because that's our stuff.
We can't hold our children responsible for some unprocessed shit that we have
to deal with in our adult life with our adult brain.
And we also tend to forget that, you know, our two,
(22:20):
three or four year old or whatever is two, three and four years old on this
earth and that they're not adults and that when we were two,
three and four years old, we were just as stupid as they were.
So maybe we cut them some slack. Maybe we stop judging them so hard.
And maybe we stop judging ourselves so hard too.
(22:45):
And laugh, laugh at some shit. Your kid is going to do stupid crap and it's going to continue.
And it's not going to get better necessarily.
It's just going to get more creative the older that they get.
And in their teenage years, they're going to get more creative and they're going
(23:06):
to add another element to that, which is their mouth and more vocal about how
fucking stupid they are.
But regardless, as the parent, as the adult, we have to be the model for them.
We have to show them that it's okay to fail.
It's okay to make mistakes because everybody makes mistakes.
(23:31):
We have to just learn from them. We have to be those models.
And if we're not those models, somebody else will be.
And do we really want to leave that open for interpretation for anybody else
or any group of people to come along and suck in our child because they just
(23:54):
so happen to have a parent who just so happen to be insecure.
Let's do and be better. At least let's be better bad moms.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Bad Moms Club,
a podcast for the rest of us.
I hope this was helpful in some way, and I also hope to hear what your thought
(24:18):
of this podcast or show is in general.
Look forward to next week's episode, Go the Fuck to Sleep, which tackles naps,
bedtimes, and routines.
If you have any questions or comments you'd like to discuss on future episodes,
please reach out to me on social media or on my website at PlayfulAttachment.com.
(24:44):
Music.
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