036 - Confidence, Resilience & The Power of Self-Talk With Holly Matthews - The Bold Blueprint with Claire Bartlett

Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of the Bold Blueprint.
This week I am joined by the gorgeous Holly Matthews, who's the founder of the Happy Meproject and a coach.
And I'm so excited to have you here today, Holly, to speak about all things, you know,internal and just finding that happy place.
So before we move on, do want to just say hello, introduce yourself and tell us sort ofhow you got onto this journey?

(00:25):
Yeah, of course.
Well, firstly, thank you so much for having me.
And it's lovely to be in different spaces to get to chat about this stuff.
I'm obsessed with it.
I'm obsessed with helping people to feel more happy and less crappy.
Like it is a driver in me.
I, if I take it back to, that's my door knocking already.
We just said before this, didn't we?
If it goes, goes.
And yeah, so I started off as a TV actress when I was 11 years old.

(00:49):
I wrote a letter to this TV show called Biker Grove here in the UK.
And I,
I asked for a job and they got me in for an audition and then I didn't get it.
I didn't get that particular part, but then six months later, they wrote a part in for meand I started on that journey.
So I started working really young and I was in a very, I guess a very adult environment,very young, but I loved it.

(01:12):
I loved it.
It was purpose and passion and it's where I felt the most me that I could be.
And I only ever thought I would do acting.
Like that was, you know, again, I say it all about obsession, but I think...
particularly neurodivergent people and I'm ADHD.
That's very loud.
This is living with kids, isn't it?
For Christ's sake, that's so loud.

(01:34):
When you love something with somebody who's neurodivergent, we love it with all our being.
And so when I say obsession, it is, being an actress, that's all I would talk about, it'sall I want to do.
I was very, very driven from being a young age.
After leaving BikerGolf, and I was on that for seven years, I signed to Sony as a...
a solo recording artist and I did MTV and Top of the Pops and was recording music inMarbella and touring the UK and doing all of the Disney and Nickelodeon and all of that

(02:05):
stuff.
I then went to drama school and went back into acting and it was all I ever thought Iwould do.
In the background though, I did work on my own self development and it was alwayssomething that for my own self that I did.
from being really young.
And I asked a friend of mine who I was on BikerGolf with, one of the other actors, and Isaid, when I was writing my first book, I was reflecting on, did I always do this?

(02:30):
Was I always into self-development?
She was like, yeah, you were.
She was like, you'd be in the green room and everyone would be sitting around and you'd begiving us a speech about how life is not a dress rehearsal.
I was like, okay, what a wanker.
But I've always had this kind of a respect for life and a want to be happy.

(02:51):
And that doesn't mean I've always felt that.
And actually in terms of growing up on TV, part of the reason why I started to seek outways to feel happy was because I didn't feel, I happy in what I was doing, but I felt
deeply, like I deeply disliked myself, especially the way I looked.
And I was struggling with that.
was struggling with being this, what I perceived as this alien.

(03:12):
Like I felt like an alien in spaces outside of the acting world.
And I would go to school and that felt like I was cosplaying as a real person.
I now understand that more, that's purely from self-development.
As I got older and I became a mom, I've got two daughters, you can loudly hear in thebackground now and then today on this podcast.

(03:32):
And then in 2014, my husband Ross was diagnosed with brain cancer and then died of braincancer in 2017.
And those things shifted my trajectory.
And I started to talk about...
the stuff that I had always done just for me to navigate being an actor and, you know,bouncing around TV shows and acting jobs and trying to just do that for myself.

(03:56):
And I started to talk about it when Ross was ill and I found that people gravitatedtowards what I had to see.
And I think that was probably two for one, I had learned it for a long time.
Like I'm knowledgeable in what I talk about without realizing I was knowledgeable.
Cause it didn't come from a place of just going to school and learning this.
came from a...
I need to do it and actually like a love of it as well and finding my own path with itrather than just this is the textbook look at what this should look like.

(04:24):
I was feeling it and I was feeling out and I was trying it and I was talking to friendsabout this stuff and getting them to and then, and people just gravitate.
And I think also because of being an actor, I've obviously got a confidence in a way ofdelivering that probably landed in a way that people could hear it more.
And I just moved from that space of acting.

(04:45):
were into a space of self-development.
And when Ross died, the Happy Me project was born very quickly after he died.
And it literally came from the fact that there was so many people eyes on what washappening.
Ross's death was in every national newspaper.
I was on Lorraine Kelly within a month of Ross dying, talking about it.

(05:06):
So there was a lot of eyes on.
And that then meant that a lot of people were messaging and going, how are you?
working yourself through this when I can't cope that the washing's up the wall and my kidsare being assholes and I'm struggling with that.
And I, because I have a respect for life and I want people to live a life that feels goodto them, I've wanted to find solutions and answers.

(05:31):
in that time, know, early doors grief, I wasn't really able to be coaching peopleone-on-one.
So I put the Happy Me project together.
It was an online self-study course, literally recorded.
on my phone at the bottom of my stairs with no microphone scribblings on the back of anenvelope of ideas of like 21, it was 21 day course and 21 things I was doing that I knew

(05:55):
would support people and would be simple and easy to implement straight away.
Within a few months of that being out and seeing hundreds of people go through thatcourse, I realized that simple self-development.
had a place and me being able to condense the knowledge that I had into something thatmade sense to every man and woman on the street was actually something that made me feel

(06:19):
really passionate because I want people to have access to this stuff.
And since then it's gone on in many ways, in many directions.
And I think it's only when I come on things like podcasts and chat and I realize it's onlybeen seven years since Ross has died.
And actually a lot of stuff has happened in that time, a lot of shifts and a lot ofchanges.
But without, there's not ever a simple way to explain how I got from A to B.

(06:44):
It's been a journey.
I've lived a hundred years.
And I think confidence, like you said, so in the those early years of your life, when youwere on, you know, in front of camera and, and on stage, you have to have a certain level
of confidence to be able to do that.
But what I don't think people necessarily understand about confidence is it's not an allround thing.

(07:09):
You can be insanely confident to stand up and sing in front of a thousand people or go outon national telly.
But you can actually then be completely unconfident and you know, in how you look or otherareas of your life.
And people will look at people like you when you were on Biker Grove, which was a classic,by the way, absolutely loved it.

(07:32):
It was amazing.
I can remember the song in my head as we talk.
But people can look at
biker Grove cast and think, God, know, you're just so confident.
could never do the things that you're doing.
And they don't realize that you are humans and there's so many other things going on foryou.
And I think it's the same for entrepreneurs.
I think, you know, I had an event, ran an event this week and I get a group of, you know,business owners and entrepreneurs together.

(07:58):
I'm there on stage and doing my thing.
And they think that I am this hugely confident person.
But I still have the self doubts and that I'm still, it's a journey for everybody.
And I don't think you can ever, there's not an end to that journey, there?
certificate that you will get.
And I think you hit the nail on the head there.
When you said, when I'm doing my thing, that's the key component part, right?

(08:24):
When we are doing our thing, whatever that is, because it will be different to everybody,you can be really confident in that space because it's your thing, right?
This is what I say to my kids.
I'm like, you don't have to be good at everything.
You just have to find something you really love and go for that.
And that's how confidence develops, right?
If you can be good at one thing and you feel like I'm doing my thing, I'm on that stage,I'm networking, I'm promoting my business, I'm doing the thing that I feel passionate

(08:52):
about, regardless of what it is, it actually teaches our brain that maybe I could do thisother thing.
It allows us to feel that maybe we could stretch ourselves out of our comfort zone.
When we don't have a thing,
And when we don't feel like we can't find something that we feel passionate about, andthere's lots of reasons for that, lots of limits in beliefs, of past stuff that's happened

(09:16):
that maybe got us to that place.
And it's often certainly when I end up working with people because they've got to thatpoint and they're like, I don't feel good.
And I've just done what everybody else wanted me to do for years and years, and I haven'tfound my thing.
That's where lack of confidence breeds.
We can find one thing, two things that we just think, you know, I'm all right at this, orI feel confident in this one area.

(09:37):
it gives us some kind of springboard to think, actually, maybe if I'm confident here,maybe I could do this and maybe I'd be all right there.
And it's not about competence straight away, because we literally can't be competent atsomething straight away.
We're going to be shit at it first, right?
Whatever it is, perfectionists can just, you you're going to have to recognize you'regoing to be rubbish first.

(09:59):
That's okay.
You might have a certain level of natural ability or leanings towards certain things, butyou're still going to have to learn.
And if
If you get stuck in that perfectionist mode of it's got to be perfect or it's not goodenough at all, then you won't move.
That's not a growth mindset.
And confidence and self-belief, it really only comes from being uncomfortable and beinguncomfortable over and over again until you feel a little bit less comfortable or maybe

(10:25):
you never feel less comfortable, but you learn that you can cope with not beingcomfortable.
You as you rightly said, people will see you on stages or you'll see me doing my thing.
And they will think that I'm...
absolutely it's easy breezy all the time.
And I'm gonna tell you, that's just nonsense.
Every time I stand on stage, every time I do a thing, yes, I've become competent incertain areas and I have my fallback points I can talk about, or I have a level of trust

(10:52):
in my ability that something will come out of my mouth.
But I bring fear to every, know, fear comes with me.
It's not, I don't get to leave fear or doubt or anxiety at home.
It comes with me.
But I've learned to put my arm around fear and anxiety and I don't die of it.
I just feel uncomfortable and I'll be all right.

(11:13):
We'll be all right, won't we?
always.
And I absolutely love honestly, everything you've just said, because this is what I sayall the time to my clients, like, you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
And the only way that any of us are ever going to grow and our businesses are going togrow, is if we are constantly just nudging the boundaries of our comfort zone.

(11:34):
Because if we stay there, it just sort of feeds the fear of failure and, and all of thosethings.
And if we just start nudging the boundaries,
If you try and take a huge leap, then that's where the fear can overtake you and you won'tsucceed then.
But if you just try, you know, I remember when I did my first ever public speaking and itwas so overwhelming, the physical reaction I had to it, the nerves.

(12:01):
It took every ounce of me to walk out onto that stage and it wasn't perfect.
Like you say, it's never going to be.
But what does happen.
is every single time that you take that step and you survive it, you then realize, okay,I'm going to feel all of those feels, but I also know that it's going to be okay.

(12:22):
And that's where the confidence comes, isn't it?
It's not necessarily confidence in doing that thing in the beginning, but it's confidencein knowing that you'll survive it.
Absolutely that.
I, my core belief is that I will find a way.
And when I believe that I will find a way, that's trust.
And when we think about self-confidence, the word confidence comes from a Latin word,which I'm going to butcher because I don't know how to say it, but anyway, I think it's

(12:51):
fidere or fidere.
Someone who went to private school and speaks Latin will be able to tell me I'm saying itwrong.
But essentially the word itself means to trust.
So when we say self-confidence, we're talking about self-trust.
And that's that core belief.
If I can trust that I will work it out, I will find a way, then I'll find a way.
And if I keep affirming that to my brain, then my brain knows even on those times when wemess up, we fail, it doesn't go how we wanted to, we're cringing, we've said something

(13:20):
stupid, we've messed up, we've had to pivot, we've had to quit, all of those things.
When that happens, if I can trust, okay, I'm gonna have a breather, I'm gonna have a cry.
I'm gonna have a cup of tea and then I'm gonna find a way.
And it might take longer than I'd hoped or that thing didn't work and I thought it wasgonna and I spent loads of time on it.
All the things that we do in business, but if I can go, I'll be all right, I'll find away.

(13:43):
That's the trust that will get you through to that next thing, whatever that is.
And that's something that we simply have to have in business because there's going to be,there's gonna be rocky moments in it always.
Doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter where you're Richard Branson, you will havethose moments where you have to shift and move and pivot and you'll mess up.

(14:03):
It's okay, you'll survive.
That's the thing.
And that's the difference.
I think it's all comes down to the mindset where you look at the hugely successful peopleand they have just as many trip ups and failures as the smaller entrepreneurs do, but they
just handle it differently.
They just don't see it as a negative.

(14:24):
They see it as progression, learnings, moving forward.
We've tried that.
We know that didn't work.
So let's find another way, like you say.
isn't it?
It's more like being a scientist.
It's more like being a detective of your own world and working your route through it andthinking, okay, that one didn't work.
So what would work?
And I've often, and I, you people will often ask me about resilience and maybe they do thesame with you as well.

(14:46):
When people know you've been through big stuff or, you know, even the stuff they don'tknow, they know you're an adult human who's been through some stuff.
People often ask about resilience.
And I've always had this kind of
It's funny, like I don't know where it came from, this core kind of feeling of that lifeis a marathon, not a sprint.

(15:06):
And that feeling of like, know, and I felt this when I was acting as well, I know I willkeep going longer, I will work harder, I will, when everybody else has given up, I will
still be going.
So I literally can't feel.
And that's the mindset that will get me through.
love, there's a quote by, why is his name gone out of my head?

(15:30):
Alex Ferguson, ex Man United manager, Hugely successful.
And even if you don't know football, know, years and years of successes with Man United atthe time.
There's a quote from him where he talks about failure.
And I always, just love it.
I think it's just genius.
And he said, Man United never lost a game.
Sometimes we just ran out of time.

(15:52):
my god, that's so good.
Like that, if you can cultivate that mindset, you're never a loser.
You never lost.
Sometimes you just ran out of time.
That time they ran out of time, but they didn't lose because they were still winners.
is like mind blowing.
But it's so simple, that's like such an easy way to look at things.

(16:13):
And I think it is so often just about reframing and how we speak to ourselves internallyis often so negative.
Like we would never speak to our worst enemy the way that we often speak to ourselves.
And it's so ingrained in us through societal conditioning or
you know, through our past that we don't even notice that we're doing it anymore.

(16:36):
Yeah, stories and words, words are everything.
Like I've often described myself as, you know, in all of my work, whatever form it takes,whether that's acting, singing, dancing, self-development, writing, I'm a storyteller.
And the thing with our own lives is we do get to tell about our stories.
Sometimes we're telling a really shit story to ourselves and that's where we become stuck.

(16:58):
And none of us are, you know, immune to this, not even when you know it, I'm not immune tothis.
And the minute, and lots of your listeners will be in that space right now, the minute wefind ourselves in that negativity spiral, it's something you're telling yourself.
It's a story.
There's a story there.
Now that doesn't mean that shit stuff doesn't like, isn't there.

(17:18):
Like we're not about toxic positivity.
I'm not saying like, everything is fine.
Nothing bad ever happens.
Good vibes only.
Like I'm not saying that.
I'm saying, yeah, sometimes really shit painful traumatic stuff happens.
And we're not avoiding that.
We will lock that and go, that is unfair and cruel.
And I wish that hadn't happened.
And I wish that wasn't happening, right?

(17:40):
We're not not acknowledging that.
What's around that shit thing is a ton of good.
And that's all we can do in terms of reframing.
When my husband was dying and we were in the hospice, he was in the hospice for about amonth.
And I was literally watching him die.
I was watching him then go, you he was like asleep and then.
I'm watching him start off.

(18:01):
You're watching the circle of life.
I've been at births, I've been at a death.
And it was very humbling.
And again, it highlighted to me the importance of life because Ross was such a bigcharacter.
But as he was there dying, I wasn't looking at Ross dying and going, well, that's a gift.
Of course I fucking wasn't.

(18:21):
I was going that sore side, my best friend is dying, I wish he wasn't dying, I'mdevastated.
But what I was doing to support myself was going, I see that, I feel it, I accept what ishappening.
I'm not trying to fight what is literally happening in front of me and I have no controlover it because that would add pain.
What I'm also going to do is I'm going to give my brain and my heart some respite bygoing, what else is there around this painful thing that is good?

(18:48):
And there was the fact he was in a hospice.
There was the fact that we had our children.
There was a fact that financially we were in a fairly good position because we'd madeHaywell the sunshine.
We had amazing support network around us in terms of family and friends.
And also the wider public were reaching out in droves.
Like there was so much love, so much support.
I was also very aware and really that's how my work came about in terms of the Happy Meproject.

(19:14):
I was aware of the platform that I had and the impact that I could make.
by taking something really painful and going, well, let's make some good come out of this.
Cause I ain't the only person going through this.
I'm not the first person who's got, who's become a widow at 32.
I'm not.
And so I began to talk about Ross and awesome.
What was going on, knowing that it was, there was going to be some good that will come offthe back of that.

(19:37):
And that's the key, whether it's in business or our life.
When something shit happens, we don't avoid it.
We allowed us to allow ourselves to feel.
We're allowed to cry and we're allowed to find it hard and frustrating and unfair becauseit is, right?
Some stuff is just on paper, shit.
But then we go, okay, I support myself by going, where's the good around this?

(19:58):
Where's the lessons that I'm going to learn from this?
And not in a judgmental way.
And that's the difference when we think about the storytelling.
My story there, when I was, when Ross first died, as a widow, right?
A word I didn't connect with.
In that moment, I know people would have allowed me to just give up, in a ball and go, youknow, that's it now.

(20:20):
This is you now.
This is sad.
Like put on that black veil and you know, that's it, isn't it for you?
And that sounded like a shit story to me.
And I was not willing to accept that as a story.
That didn't mean I was stoic.
That didn't mean that I didn't find it hard and haven't found it hard and don't find ithard.
It just means that I went, okay.
I'm going to look at Ross's death and realize that if he's dead, then I know nothing aboutthe world because that the world where Ross was alive made sense and now it doesn't.

(20:50):
So I'll become a student.
I'll be open to learning.
And I'm going to really honor Ross's life by living as fully as I can and being brave.
of the things that you said earlier about being brave and stretching yourself.
And that's terrifying, but it really comes down to the words that we're saying.
You know, when people ask me,
if I was okay, how I was, you how are you, cocking their heads to the side and all thatwhen Ross died, I didn't bullshit and say, I'm really great, I'm fine.

(21:18):
I didn't say that, because that would have felt lies.
But what I did say, because I wanted to give my own brain a way through this, I would say,I'm okay, I'll be better.
And that was enough.
It wasn't lies, because I was okay.
In that particular moment, I was okay, because I was talking to them.
I'm okay, I'll be better.

(21:39):
And that's what I worked on because it will get better, but we have to let our brain knowthat that's what we're looking for.
Cause then our brain will look for a route.
It will find its way through that.
It will look for something that's joyful to support you.
If we keep saying, you know, I mean, you know, people will say things like it's anightmare.
It's a nightmare is like that's to me.

(21:59):
Like my mom says it a lot.
She uses lots of like potent words that she'll say it's a nightmare.
and then you'll get to what the thing is and it'll be something so trivial.
And I'll think, why have you created such a drama in your own head?
You phoned me and said you'd had a nightmare and it was just that your post had gone nextdoor.
And it wasn't really a nightmare, was it?

(22:19):
It was like a slight pain in the ass.
It was a slight inconvenience, not a nightmare.
A nightmare to me is like a nightmare, like hell, like torture, abuse, pain, like that's anightmare.
So when someone says it's a nightmare about the fact that their live stream that they didon Facebook went really badly, well, it's not a nightmare, is it?

(22:43):
It's a bit, you know, it's a moment of embarrassment.
No one cares really.
words matter.
Like I can't stress that.
That's so, so important.
I can't stress that enough.
Find a better way of telling your story.
Even if the story is, even if on paper you think, I went bankrupt.
Let's think of something that we...
I went bankrupt, I lost my house, right?
That sounds like a shit, terrible story.

(23:03):
It's awful to go through that, but maybe you can go, I found a way that really didn't workand I'm gonna find my route out and the next stage is gonna be phenomenal.
The next chapter is gonna be my bounce back era is gonna be so good.
You watch how good it's gonna be.
We gotta find a way to tell about a story.

(23:24):
Yeah.
I think comes, labels are a massive part of that as well.
You know, so you're saying that the word widow didn't just didn't sit with you.
And really that is a label.
And there's so many others, you know, that we can tell ourselves in part of those storiesis we'll label ourselves as, know, I'm a bad public speaker.
had one lightly bad experience once when I forgot my lines or whatever it is.

(23:49):
Therefore I am a bad public speaker.
Well, you're shutting that off, that opportunity off for you for the rest of your life.
So it's about rethinking about these words and labels that we've put on ourselves that areholding us back in so many different areas and then just reframing them or scrapping them
all together.
And as well, some of those names that people that call themselves are not names that theyoriginally gave themselves.

(24:16):
It may have come from somebody else.
And I think what often happens is we hear it and then we want to protect ourselves.
Our brain wants to protect us.
So we do that whole self-deprecating thing where we think if I say it first and nobody cantouch me, right?
And we do that thing of doing that.
And then it becomes, we essentially, you know, we take the baton from whoever said it inthe first place, which...
you know, that person was probably a dickhead.

(24:37):
Let's just be real here, right?
They said something shit that made you feel bad about it.
Or it was just a misplaced comment that you took to heart in that moment.
You take the baton from them and you just beat yourself with it.
And that person's gone on their merry way, not ever thinking about that comment again.
And you've held it dear, like it said something about you.
It didn't.
You had a moment, as you say, the public speaking one's a huge one.

(25:00):
It's a public speaker.
There's a whole chapter in my new book, Find Your Confidence.
And the reason being is because so many people in my world have, you know, certainly as anactor, it's not something that I would tell myself.
Although strangely enough, I did used to say, I was gonna say I didn't ever say that, butI kinda did.
Cause I used to say, I would never do public speaking, which is so weird as an actor,because as an actor I was playing a part.

(25:27):
I didn't ever imagine I would be doing it as me, as Holly.
I didn't ever think that.
I just thought I will be doing that.
I'll be doing it as a character.
And so actually that's not strictly true because I did used to say that and that waslimited to me.
Of course I'm going to be fucking good at public speaking.
I've been speaking on stages since I was a child.
I'm not, not going to be good at that, but I didn't identify with it because you know, Ijust was like, well, that's somebody else's thing.

(25:51):
We do it so often in business.
You know, I'm, I'm not good at writing or I'm not good at this or I'm not creative.
I people say I'm not creative all the time.
Okay.
So you're not good at art as in drawing.
That's what you're telling me.
That doesn't mean you're not creative.
Creativity comes in many forms.
I mean, even people who are scientists or mathematicians, I think it takes a level ofcreativity to come up with the formulas and the things that, know, science is definitely

(26:19):
creative.
You've to come up with creative ways to find an answer.
So people will, as you see, they will label themselves and limit themselves.
You get to decide and there'll be lots listening to this and they'll be probably thinking,and maybe let's get them to think about that.
Have a think in your life.
Where do you feel stopped?
What's the story around that?
Who told you that was your story?
What label, what are you saying there?

(26:39):
What is the limits and belief?
What is the label that you are giving yourself around that?
I'm not good at, people like me don't do that.
Don't they?
I had one lady and I always reference it because it really stuck with me.
A lovely lady at one of my events years ago, at one of the early Happy Me project events,we were talking about limits and beliefs and we were getting them to do this exercise.

(27:00):
And she said, she raised her hand and she said, what...
what do you do if the limits and belief isn't a belief, it's a fact?
So I'm like, okay, please continue.
I'm like, please continue, enlighten me.
And she said, I'm a really sensitive person.
I cry all the time and sensitive people don't get on in business.

(27:23):
And I'm like, that is a belief.
said, Steve Jobs cried all the time.
That was why I heard, right?
That's the rumors on the street.
Steve Jobs was a crier, right?
I think he did all right.
And every time she told herself that story, and this is what I told her, every time youtell yourself sensitive people can't do well in business, there's somebody else crying all
the way to the bank.
So, Steve Jobs, telling yourself that story.

(27:45):
I cry all the time.
I'm all right.
all the time.
I'm like, cry at first.
So this morning, so we're recording this right at the end of December in 24.
I know it's not going out for a couple of weeks, but I've just been at my daughter's carolsinging concert this morning, cried my eyes out.
I cry all the time.
But to me, that's, that's not a negative thing at all.

(28:07):
That's a positive thing.
It's a power that I am emotive and I can connect with people on that deeper level.
So, but it's like you say, she's just been
telling herself and the fact that she said, it's a fact.
Well, who has ever told you that it's a fact?
Where has that story come from in your mind?
Honestly, and but this is the thing.

(28:27):
So in the beginning, this is the bit that I struggled with.
When I started on this sort of self development journey, I was like, okay, I get this Iget that I'm telling myself these negative stories, and I'm putting these negative labels
on myself.
What now?
So I can see that that's a negative story, but how do I change that?

(28:48):
What am I supposed to do?
And I think people, and this is why potentially when you started the Happy Me project andyou broke it down into such a simple, easy way for people to understand, people make it
into a much bigger thing and then again, tell themselves a negative story.
Well, I can't change my story.
But it's so much of it.

(29:09):
there when you said about not making too big a leap so that you scare yourself back intoretreat.
I think that's part of it.
And this is why all of my work is very much the whole thing around it is self-compassionand knowing that we're gonna find this stuff hard.
It's scary to step out of your comfort zone.
It's scary to try something new.
It's even scary to unpick why you believe this stuff because better the devil you know,right?

(29:34):
I'm comfortable calling myself names.
It's easy to be horrible to ourselves.
And I've done it for so long, I know what that's like.
And actually, let's be really real here.
If we keep telling ourselves that story, if we keep berating ourselves, we also, and thisis the flip side of it, and subconsciously, if I say to myself, people like me can't do

(29:55):
this, then guess what?
I don't have to do anything.
I don't have to take action.
because I've already laid the groundwork down.
No, people can't, I don't have to do anything, but if I say, I'm gonna find a way, then Ihave to do something.
I have to get uncomfortable.
And that's sometimes the truth of it.
Sometimes we allow ourselves, and no, it's not conscious, it's subconscious.

(30:18):
We allow ourselves to stay stuck in that story because if we don't, if we let go of thestory, we have to do something and that's way scarier.
If I get to sit here going, I'm just ugly and disgusting and I can't do anything and I'mshit at everything.
then I get to stay in my blanket there.
I mean, miserable, because I'm in this comfy blanket and it's not that comfy anymore.

(30:38):
But I don't have to do anything.
Whereas the minute I go, OK, I'm ready to try something, I have to feel uncomfortable.
And maybe I do have days when I feel or I cry or I feel embarrassed and I blush and I messup or say the wrong thing.
And that's the reality.
So it is about unpicking.
And the first step is recognizing that there's a story, right?
I would say any area in somebody's life where you feel stuck and you'll know instantlywhen my talk and you know where it is.

(31:03):
It's either it's the way you look, it's in your social life, it's your relationships, inyour work, it'll be certain areas of the work.
Maybe you can go, I'm really good here, but over here, nope, people like me don't do that.
I've never been good at that.
was told in yes six at school that I was never good at math.
So I would never be able to, I'm not a business woman.
Whatever the story is that you're telling yourself, I want you, I want.

(31:26):
the listeners to think about what that is and then listen to the words they say around it.
Listen to what the stories are around it.
And you might even over the next few weeks start to recognize, I do say that.
I do think that in my head.
do think I could never do that.
It's easy.
Another one is that it's easier for them.
If you see yourself saying that just recognize, okay, so if it's easier for them, why, whycan't I do it?

(31:48):
What's the story attached to that?
Why I can't do it.
It's easier for them.
I've, know how many times I've heard it's easier for me.
I promise you it's not.
It's not easier.
You've been an actress, it's easier.
Is it?
Why?
For what reason?
Anytime we're moving.
You think it wasn't hard for me to move from being an actor into the world ofself-development?

(32:11):
You think it was easy for me to identify as a businesswoman?
No, it was not.
Because I didn't have a degree in business.
I don't have a degree.
So in my mind, who am I?
those people have got degrees.
I definitely had to move through that.
I definitely had to let go of that story and it still gets triggered and all of ourstories will still get triggered.

(32:34):
It's like whack-a-mole, right?
You'll pull out a weed and something else will spring up and you're like, shit, we'll getthat one out again.
They pop up.
So these limits and beliefs, as you said at the beginning, it's not like you suddenly geta certificate that says I'm done with all of my limits and beliefs.
Here is my certificate.
I've passed self-development.
I've completed it.
You don't get that.
a dream?
Wouldn't it?
I certainly think some of my clients sometimes think that they're going to go through onething and they're going to get to the end and be like, I never have to work on this again.

(33:01):
That'd be nice.
It would be delicious, wouldn't it?
But it doesn't happen.
And we still have to recognize what those beliefs, though, they're pervasive, right?
They do spring back up and you have to go, okay.
That's probably that same old story.
I didn't know it was still there, but it is.
And we do a little bit more work on it, but we always do it with a gentleness toourselves.

(33:21):
because we recognize, you know what this is, at some point, this story probably served me.
It probably helped me.
you know, if I was scared or I, you know, somebody called me a name or I didn't, and Isaid, well, I don't do that anymore.
It served me in that moment because I didn't have to feel fear or pain or embarrassmentanymore.
It doesn't serve us long-term, but at some point, a version of us needed us to just dothat.

(33:46):
It was all we had in our locker at the time.
and then we learn more and then we try something else.
you know, I think it's bit by bit, but once you recognize there's a story and you have adesire to, I don't want to feel scared to do public speaking because I think it could help
my business.
Or I don't want to feel scared with numbers or I feel scared to go on a live stream or towrite.

(34:08):
I don't want to feel scared just because my old English teacher told me I was shit atwriting to write a post on social media.
Or I don't want to be bothered about posting because of a girl I went to school with mightbe watching.
I want to work on that.
Okay, then great.
And that's the first step.
And then you start to learn whether it's working with a coach, whether it's reading somebooks, watching some, you doing a course, you just start to learn.

(34:31):
But you also have to, along the way, be kind enough to yourself to know that along theway, I'm going to find this really hard and there's going to be some moments where I
stumble and I'm just going to be really gentle with myself and know that's okay.
It's part of the dance.
It's part of growing.
Yeah, and I think what can happen is when you start to switch on and listen to how youspeak, you can actually be really surprised how many times you telling yourself that, you

(34:58):
know, I'm not the type of person that does that.
For instance, that's a really common one that we will all say for different scenarios inour lives.
But one thing I always say is if you say, you know, I could never do that, just adding theword yet on the end is so transformational because
I, if you say I could never do that, that is closing off that opportunity forever.

(35:21):
It's just done.
That's not something that will ever be in your life.
But if you just say yet, and it's so easy to add that on and then be aware of that, that'ssaying, okay, today, I'm not that type of person today.
I'm not going to get up on stage and public speak or whatever it might be for you.
But it opens up those opportunities.
starts your brains going, maybe today's the day.

(35:42):
And it starts showing you those opportunities.
And it's just.
making tiny little changes like that in the beginning, because suddenly saying, you know,from I could never public speak to I am a public speaker can feel like that huge leap that
we were talking about earlier.
So just using that tiny three letter word can really
you know, you, cause the thing is you will still say it cause it's habitual.

(36:05):
So I often say to people, you can correct in the moment.
You will hear yourself say it.
One of the things I caught myself saying recently, and again, this is, you know, we're alla work in progress always.
And we're not, none of us are, you know, able to avoid it.
I found, I realized that I was calling myself an idiot a lot.
I was saying in really menial things, right?

(36:28):
And there's lots of things that I know logically are associated to ADHD and the fact thatI go at a pace that is fast and I make mistakes sometimes and I, I fall over, break a lot
of things.
Like I know I'm a tornado of a human.
And even though logically I know why that's happening, I'm actually compassionate enoughto recognize the reasons behind that.

(36:52):
And I've done a lot of work there.
I still found myself going.
fucking idiot, you idiot in my head.
And then I clock myself doing it, I was like, shit, like that's really horrible.
If I heard, you if we think about somebody that we loved, if I heard somebody call mydaughter as an idiot in the street, it would not bode well for them.
Like I would be fuming.

(37:13):
So why am I doing that to myself?
But I know that it's still gonna happen for a little bit while I'm working on that.
So instead of that, a bit like you with the yet, adding tacking on to it.
In that moment when I hear it, are you just called yourself an idiot?
Let's change it to something better.
Now it doesn't have to be, you're the most wonderful person that's ever walked thisplanet.
Cause that would be too big a jump.

(37:34):
But it might be that I just say you've made a mistake in this moment.
You've, you, you, you had a fuck up, but we'll work it out, right?
Rather than it being saying something about me as a person.
So we can stop in the moment, we can delete and we can edit it.
That's it.
And we get better at that.
And I think, you know, in my, my new book, find your confidence, I've given loads ofactivities in that book around that, around the way we speak about ourselves, our self

(38:02):
belief and simple things like that.
They become the framework that we use.
So rather than thinking, I'm going to never have to deal with this again, having toolsthat we start to use that we get better at.
So I'm now better at spotting.
If I'm feeling a bit horrible in myself, I'm overwhelmed or something.
I stop and I go, right, what's going on here?

(38:22):
Like what are you telling yourself?
What have you missed out on?
Have you just not had any water all day?
You've not been outside.
You're missing all the basics out.
Like what's happening?
Checking in with yourself can be something that could be a really nice habit or somethingthat you remind yourself of.
Cause you know, habits aren't always easy to come by, but put notes to yourself to say,have you had any water?

(38:45):
Have you checked in with yourself?
Things like that can be things that, tools that we can learn.
that whatever is going on for us that we can use that framework.
But I think that in that moment thing of yet, or I can't do that thing yet, or justfinding something better to say, that's a really lovely tool that we can start today.
And anyone that's listening, you'll notice, because Claire and I have been chatting aboutwords, you will notice yourself saying something horrible.

(39:12):
And instead of just allowing that to just run free, just take a moment and think of whatwould be a better thing to say to myself here.
What would be a compassionate version of this rather than this?
Cause this is not nice.
That's not helping me.
And let's be really real.
Nobody's ever bullied themselves or shamed themselves into doing anything ever.
we, if we could do that, my house would be tidy and I'd be good at maths.

(39:36):
So, it's not, and I'm not.
So, you know, if we could just shame ourselves, you know, people think, if I, if I callmyself fat and ugly, I'm going to go to the gym.
No, you're not.
Mm-mm, actually.
there and cry and eat cake.
That's not gonna make you go to the gym, so this is not gonna happen.

(39:56):
It's all about, like we said, just, you know, reframing and just starting to love yourselfa little bit more, be kinder to yourself.
So for me, when I was starting this journey, like I said, when I started to listen andhear the negative things that I was saying, it felt like too big a leap for me in the
beginning to reframe it.
So for me, the easiest, the first step I could take was adding the yet onto the end of it.

(40:19):
And that really helped me.
And then soon, you know, you sort of, you do progress and
you can move up a level, I suppose, in your self care.
And then I was like, okay, well, I've graduated from that side now and things are workingand I can see the benefit.
So now let's try reframing it entirely.

(40:39):
So stop saying the word I can't and I don't and I'm not that person and reframe itentirely.
But it did take, I couldn't do that straight away.
I needed that first step.
So it is a journey and everybody will deal with it differently, but it is just aboutbecoming
aware and being kinder to yourself overall.
And I think another little thing, another little tool that people can do is that becausewe've got to train our brains, we've got to get our brains on board, adding onto what you

(41:07):
just said there.
Another really way to teach your brain you can is in moments when something goes well,being very, very cognizant and aware of it.
I will, for example, cause I want to have a nice life.
Like I want to feel, I want my brain to work in my favor.
I want my brain to seek out joy and opportunity and good things.
And I want to tell my brain the world is good.

(41:27):
It's not all bad.
And so when something good happens, and it might be as simple as I've had a really goodcup of tea, that was a delicious cup of tea that I made.
I can say to myself in that moment, life is really good.
I'm so good at making cups of tea.
I'm so good at that.
like, I'm so good at that.

(41:47):
And it sounds really trivial to say that, but actually, you know, our life happens in thetiny moments.
It's not the big picture that we've decided our life is happening now in this moment.
those little glimmers throughout the day.
It's those.
so if we can really be aware of that and, you know, anytime I find a penny on the floor, Iwill always pick up the penny.
don't care how dirty it is.

(42:08):
I wash my hands after.
I will pick up that and I will say money comes so easily to me.
It's so easy for me to have to make money.
It's so easy.
It just flows to me.
Right.
And that might seem such a silly woo woo wee thing to say, but what I'm saying to my brainis don't get stuck in an idea that we can't have.
If you're asking from whether it's money or success,
Anytime something comes up where there's an opportunity I see, I can think, I'm so good atattracting opportunities to me.

(42:32):
I'm amazing at that.
Congratulate yourself for the most silly things.
When we were little kids, we used to get clapped for going to the toilet, right?
Why is no one clapping anymore for that?
No one's clapping me when I go to the toilet.
No one's bothered.
So we got to clap for ourselves in silly, I made tea for all the family and everybodywhinged at me.
I'm a legend.
What a legend.

(42:52):
a dinner making legend.
I've managed to go for a walk today.
I'm so good at exercise.
We need to crank up the cheerleading because when we do that, our brain can't really arguewith that.
If we have a tiny success, like I've managed to tee up all of my social media for theweek.

(43:13):
I've managed to schedule it all.
I'm a scheduling legend, right?
I'm so good at scheduling my work.
comes so easy.
I'm so successful in my business.
those little things when we tell ourselves that, when we tell our brain that, it can'targue in that moment because you just did something.
So it's like, yeah, fair enough, fair enough then, you we're negotiating with our ownbrains.
But when we do that all the time, eventually our brain isn't arguing in the same waybecause you're kind of giving it reason to believe that belief about you.

(43:42):
And when we're going back to those limits and beliefs, we're kind of just nudging it likeyou said, and then maybe we can get to, I'm good in this area in my business.
Yeah.
I'm getting better.
That's another one.
That's a nice thing to do.
Any kind of affirmations or beliefs that are kind of growth type of thing.
So every time I do a live, you might say, every time I do a live, get better at doing thelive stream.

(44:03):
Every time I speak on stage, I'm getting better and better at speaking on stage.
We can kind of not argue that one.
It's easier to get on board with it, isn't it?
Than saying, I'm an amazing public speaker.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's proving that it's giving tangible evidence, which actually quite often a lot ofpeople do need.
They need to see the evidence.
But then like you've said earlier, so often actually we switch our brains off to thepositive.

(44:27):
So we only search for the negatives, which, you know, that's what we need to change.
But one thing I want to mention here in exactly what you were just saying is that actuallywe can gift confidence to people as well.
And have you ever because I know it's happened to me where somebody's
complimented, you well, that dress looks really lovely on you.
And then suddenly, every single time you put that dress on, you'll feel amazing.

(44:50):
Like it doesn't matter how many years or months it's been since that one person,potentially a complete stranger told you that they liked your dress.
So when we're talking about being kind to ourselves and reframing how we speak toourselves, it can go the other way as well.
And we should be gifting it as much as we possibly can.
I
much who we are around as well.

(45:10):
We know that, know, especially in business and in life, but it really matters.
And there's actually, there's a thing, a phenomenon, I guess we call it the Michelangeloeffect.
I don't know if you've heard of that, but the Michelangelo effect is essentially like the,that's my version of the Michelangelo, like the, what's the word, the artist, right?

(45:32):
The idea, the sculpt, is that, what's the word I'm looking for?
Sculptor?
artist anyway, the point being that if you are around and they did studies on it wasmostly on relationships in a couple, but it scales out to friendships or social circles
and all that people we are around a lot.
If that person believes in us and they really like us, when we are around them and we'rehearing those compliments and we're seeing through how they see us through their eyes,

(46:01):
they essentially sculpt us into believing in ourselves.
And there was a ton of research done on this to call it the Michelangelo effect.
And so this is why it's so important to be around people that believe in you and yeah,that believe in you essentially.
And then you start to believe in yourself.
You can kind of by proxy start to believe in yourself.

(46:23):
I often say to my clients, hang around with me long enough and you will start to believein yourself.
You'll see what I see because exactly that, being that cheerleader for other people.
but I think because we're all stuck in fight or flight mode, aren't we?
It's a safety mechanism from many millions of years ago that we are only ever looking forthe negatives and then assessing whether we need to run away or not.

(46:47):
So we're actually our brains are switched off to the positives because it's not a threat.
We don't need to worry about it.
So by celebrating other people's small wins for them and with them and highlighting themto them.
is how we can then help them and each other see those glimmers each day.
If someone makes it, if I came out to your, Holly, and you made me an excellent cup oftea, I'd tell you, I'd say, this is a cracker.

(47:11):
it's, yeah.
I, and that's, you know, I talk about cups of tea a lot because being a British person, wedo like our tea.
And one of the things, and I was actually talking about this on Lorraine, not on Gawr,because I was using it as an example.
A lot of the time in life, we don't ask for the things that we want.
And, you know, that often comes from lack of confidence.

(47:34):
It comes from a fear, you know, in our business, we sometimes don't even want to own.
the fact that we have these big goals, these big ambitions, because we're so scared thatwe won't get what we want.
And we don't want to fuss.
We don't want to make a fuss.
We don't want to bother anyone.
We don't want to, we worry we're going to put people out.
And I always use a cup of tea as an example, because often if someone comes to my house,right, and they say, I say, do you want a cup of tea?

(47:54):
And they say, yeah.
And then I say, how'd you have your cup of tea?
And they say, however it comes or something along that.
I'm not bothered.
However it comes.
I know that they likely accept all of their life, however it comes and they don't ask forwhat they want.
When you come around to my house, I would love it if you said to me, I would love, this ishow I have my cup of tea.

(48:15):
I have no milk in my cup of tea, whack a tea bag in it, just leave the tea bag in so it'sstewing, so it's black.
If there's a choice, I'd go for a fine-born China white cup.
That would be my preference.
I'm not gonna say that in somebody's house.
I'll see what cups you got.
Let me have a look at them.
And if someone's in my house, I'll offer you, do you like a big mug?
Do you like a little tea cup?
Do you like a colored?

(48:35):
Do prefer like a black mug?
Do you like a white one?
What would you like?
Now that might seem like a lot of questions.
And for some people, can see their discomfort in it, but I want them to have a good cup oftea that they like.
And my version, I mean, I know that mine's quite an extreme version of a cup of tea,right?
A black cup of tea, no milk in it.
A lot of people are not liking that.
So if you say to me, however it comes, and I hand you that, are you gonna be happy withthat?

(48:59):
Probably not.
I mean, how do you have your cup of tea?
I'm interested.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want it to taste like tea.
So now I know that you come round, I can make you that cup of tea, we can choose your cup,but I know that you're gonna be happy with what you've got and you've chosen that.
You've been more empowered enough to say, want it like this.

(49:22):
Now, if we, is.
A cup of tea, no one's dying over that, right?
It's just a cup of tea.
But if we think about our lives and our businesses, we often aren't asking for thosethings.
And that comes down to that lack of assertiveness and confidence and not wanting to ask.
And some of that under the surface is all that people-pleasing, all that worry.
What if I don't fit in?

(49:43):
What if they don't like me?
What if I get pushed out of the group?
What if I end up dead in a ditch because of all of that?
I mean, it's extreme, but like you said, our brains...
are wired to survive, not to thrive.
Our brain is wired just to keep us breathing.
So it's looking for all the danger.
If I'm a good girl, if I'm a good boy, I just sit and I just have whatever it comes, I'lldo whatever I need to do.

(50:06):
We think that's how we, I mean, it is how we stay alive, I guess.
Certainly not how we thrive.
If we want to have a great business and a great life and we want to feel good, we've gotto start speaking up and asking for what we want, even when we're uncomfortable.
When I first said I wanted to write a book, my first book, Happy Me Project came out a fewyears ago in 2022, when I first, and I sat in this kitchen I'm in now, and I wrote down

(50:35):
one of my friends is in market and he was like, right, what do you, know, what do youwant?
Like, how do you want this to look?
And I was like, well, I want to be the number one go-to self-development person in theworld.
And I want Happy Me TV.
I want to impact massively.
want to, you this was at the top.
Okay, how do I do that?

(50:55):
I'm like, right, okay, so I need to create credibility.
I need to show that I'm an expert in what I do.
One of the things on that branch down was I want to write a book and I want that book tobe with one of the biggest publishers in the UK.
I wanted that way.
There's lots of roots to that, but that was one of the things.
When I wrote that down, I thought I was so scared to write it down.

(51:16):
I was so scared because the minute I wrote it down and said it,
that's embarrassing, if I fail?
What if I can't get it in one of biggest public?
What if I can't do it?
How embarrassing?
Like all the doubt comes in.
You've never written a book before.
Who says you're any good at writing?
What if it's, you know, all of that stuff was there.
But because I'd said it and I thought I'm just going to lean in, I'm just keep saying thethings that I want.

(51:37):
And then I said it on social media.
And then it just so happens that an editor called Holly was following me on social media.
I didn't know that.
that she was following me.
had once messaged her before, and I think it was about public speaking, which is weird,weirdly enough.
And she'd been doing something at work and I'd given her a bit of advice on it.
It was a private account, it wasn't a publishing, it wasn't anything to do with theirwork.

(52:00):
And I put out on social media, I'm writing a proposal for a book, I'm gonna put it outthere.
This was back in, I wanna say 2018, 2019, it was.
And then she messaged me and she said, I work for Bloom's Republishing, would you like toput a proposal to me?
And I was like, Bloom's...
Bloomsbury publishing, like Harry Potter, Bloomsbury publishing.

(52:21):
I'm thinking, is it Floomsbury?
So I'm pan, I'm like, is this like a shady, like not the real version?
know I mean?
Bloomsbury red or something.
You know what I mean?
So I'm searching, I find out it is.
I've panicked.
I threw my phone across the room in a panic.
Like I'm gonna have to put up a proposal to Bloomsbury.
I don't know what I'm doing, right?
But that's how it started.

(52:42):
And obviously I then did get that publishing deal and I've done two books with them now.
That would not have happened had I not been brave enough and I'm not special.
I'm not, no different.
All of the fear that we have to get through is the same for everybody at every level.
Every single level is the same.
We feel scared and then we go, okay, I'll work it out.

(53:02):
I didn't know how to write a book.
I didn't know how to do any of that stuff.
It was bit by bit and kind of not even looking.
Cause if I looked too far ahead, I'd have overwhelmed myself.
That was too scary.
I just thought, right, first step is,
How do you write a proposal?
Let's Google that.
Let's do that bit.
Next bit, you know, is there anyone that could help me do that?

(53:25):
Find some people that could maybe help me to do that.
It wasn't like, I didn't have all the answers.
And I think that's another thing, you know, we said at the beginning, comfortable beinguncomfortable.
Also get comfortable knowing that you won't always have the answers straight away.
Because you won't sometimes.
You'll have an idea.
I want to do a business on this.
I've got this idea for a new, I want to write a book.

(53:47):
I want to write a course.
I want to do this.
I'd love to do what they do.
I don't know how to do it.
And then just let go of the need to try and find the answer instantly.
Cause you probably won't have it.
Otherwise you'd be doing it, wouldn't you?
You got to take it.
let go of the fear and just approach the person and ask them.
Because so often, you know, people say, I could never, you know, I could never messageHolly or Claire and ask them how they got their first public speaking gig or whatever it

(54:16):
is.
Just message us.
Like, there's so much fear around that cold reach out or asking for people's support.
But actually,
We're all here wanting to succeed and especially you and I, we're here wanting everybodyelse to succeed as well.
So many of the opportunities that I've had, some of the best opportunities were literallybecause I sent an email completely out of the blue saying, I would love to do this.

(54:42):
I'd love to support your audience or your space, your event, would you be interested?
It's just about starting that conversation.
In Newcastle, we have a phrase, you might have heard it before, and it's shy bairnsgetting out, right?
Shy bairns getting out was what I grew up on, meaning for those that don't know, bairnsmeaning kids, right?
And so if you don't ask, you don't get.

(55:03):
And I grew up on that.
Like that was, like we were told, if you don't ask, don't get shy bairns getting out.
You got to ask.
And so I would ask.
I genuinely, like when I first got that part on Biker Grove, it's because I asked.
I wrote a letter from Biker Grove and I asked for a part.
I've got that letter on a canvas.
I've shared this loads of times before, but when I was given to me on my 30th birthday,this canvas, says, dear Dee, who's the casting director, I would like a part in BikerGolf.

(55:30):
My name is Holly.
I'm an actress.
I've got green eyes and brown hair.
And I had done that in green and brown.
And it was written in Comic Sans.
Because that was the font of the day.
And I know a designer dies every time we use that, but that's, you know, it was fancy.
I thought that was a fancy font and sort of fun font.

(55:52):
And so I wrote that letter.
said, I'm not shy one bit.
I would like a part.
And then at the bottom it said, PS, please write back soon.
Cause I was really keen to hear back from them.
And they got me in for an audition.
Cause I asked for a part.
And I promise you now that's exactly how I still do business.
There's nothing more pretty than that.

(56:12):
Like I just ask.
In fact, recently I did a podcast called the ADHD Chatter podcast.
it had huge success, probably even since then it's grown and grown and grown.
And a lot of people afterwards who were kind of in that space asked me, how did you get onthat podcast?

(56:33):
That's huge.
And I was like, I just messaged him and just said, like, you want me, can I come on yourpodcast?
I've got loads of stories.
Like, and I'm well ADHD, you know, like, let's talk about it.
Let's talk about the challenges with that.
But it was amazing how many people afterwards went, how did you get on that?
What did you do?
What was the process?
And I went, I just asked.

(56:55):
And I'm not saying you always get the first answer as a yes, by the way, you, cause you,you, you won't necessarily, but there might be another, there might be another thing
there.
So many times people will message me and they will say, I know you're probably not goingto get this or you're not going to, you're not going to hear this or.
You know, and I'm not, I don't always say it, by the way, that is true, know, social mediaand all that.

(57:16):
And sometimes I forget I've seen it and, you know, that's life.
But it does, just because somebody approaches me maybe they don't have the same audience,it doesn't necessarily mean it's a no.
There could be lots of reasons why it's a yes.
It could be just a good day.
It could be that, you know, I want to get into an audience that they might have, orthere's loads of reasons why you might want to do something.

(57:40):
I would really encourage people to just ask or speak about more than anything, speak aboutthe things that you want.
You if we're talking about training our brain, talk about the things you want, not thethings that you don't want.
Because if you want your brain to find a route, then speak about it.
Every time I've spoken about the things that I want, and I'm uncomfortable when I say it,I'm uncomfortable when I say I want Happy Me TV and want it to be on a big platform like

(58:05):
Netflix or...
Maybe Amazon, but probably one of the biggest sort of platforms like Netflix.
I want it on there.
And like that's uncomfortable because I don't know how to do that.
So my brain is like, that's, don't know what I'm doing there.
That's, our brain doesn't like not to have the answers.
It's uncomfortable.
And so, but every time we say it, there might be somebody watching or listening and youdon't know how they can help you.

(58:30):
But if you talk, you know, some of the best things that have ever happened to me havehappened because I've said to someone,
in a random conversation on the train, this is what I want.
And they've went, actually, that's part of my job, how can I help you?
You don't know who is in open control.
have no idea about these opportunities.
And like, just to be clear to everyone listening, the only reason that Holly is sittinghere with me today is because I messaged her.

(58:53):
we had met, I think, I don't know, well, it was pre COVID, you were speaking at an event.
So we, you know, we'd met very briefly in person then and we hadn't, I don't think reallycommunicated since then.
So it was basically out of the blue message, like, I love what you're doing.
I think you'd be great for my audience.
Would you consider it?
And whether it's a good day or whatever the reason, was a yes and here we are.

(59:16):
So I'm here and that's absolutely it.
And so I really think that's, it's such an important thing for people to remember.
Stop assuming that people will say no, start assuming that they will say yes or they will,you you just don't know.
honestly, there's so many times when people will say to me, I just didn't think you wouldwant me to be involved in that or wouldn't.

(59:37):
And I'm like, why?
and I guess, you know, it certainly is a level of confidence and self belief.
But how about we just lean into going, this is what I want to do.
I'm going to say it out loud.
I'm going to be uncomfortable because my brain's going to go, we don't know what thatmeans or how to do that.
I'm just going to, I'm going to be really vulnerable about that.

(59:57):
There's something very, very warming and heartening about somebody going, I don't knowwhat I'm doing, but I really want to do this.
And I would love some guidance.
And I think it's even nicer when you've seen somebody have some success in one area.
and then they're going, I really don't know about this area.
Like I recently, and this sounds wild to people, bear in mind, we've talked loads aboutpublic speaking.

(01:00:20):
Nearly every public speaking event that I've got has been somebody coming to me andsaying, would you like to speak at my event?
Right?
So I kind of fell into public speaking.
I knew I wanted to do a Ted talk and I got a Ted talk because at every event that I did,my own events, I would do a vision board at the end and I would take my own around.

(01:00:40):
and I would say, I wanna do a TED Talk on it.
It so happened that at one of my events, a girl that was there, her brother was organizinga TED Talk.
Years after she came to my event and she said, I know someone in Newcastle who's fromNewcastle, it was in Newcastle, who wants to do a TED Talk, she'd be great.
The TED event was called Life Finds A Way, right?

(01:01:01):
I'm like, that's like, if I'm not there, that's a rig.
It's literally my ethos.
And I ended up getting it, but I got it because I spoke about it.
and I reached out and I asked the question.
And so I forgot where I was going with this.
What was it called?
Vulnerability.
So the vulnerability to kind of ask that and to ask for things that you want.
And public speaking was what we're saying.

(01:01:22):
I've gone off on a tangent.
I have to sometimes when my brain goes off in a fast tangent, I have to recalibrate mybrain to my mouth.
Right, my point was the public speaking.
So I've always kind of, other than the TED talk, which I got because I asked about it,
It's kind of just come to me.
And it was really genuinely about a month ago when I thought, I don't have any publicspeaking, strictly speaking, any events next year, anything in the diary.

(01:01:50):
And then I thought, I really like doing public speaking.
really want to do more of it, but actually I don't really know how to do that, whichsounds ridiculous because people would assume because I do public speaking, I've been paid
to do public speaking for years.
Strictly speaking.
other than conversations and networking and then getting to know people and then put on anevent and then asking me to speak at that event.

(01:02:13):
I haven't cold approached anybody to do that.
No.
So it was a kind of realization and I put it out and I thought, right, well, what can Ido?
What can I control?
Well, I can control maybe putting a showreel together.
I can control making it more obvious on my website.
And then because I talked about it, I had this week somebody who is a public speaker.

(01:02:34):
I spoke at an event and we were both there.
He reached out to me and said, look, I do loads of public speaking.
That's really my thing.
I know how to approach people for that.
But I really want to put together courses, online courses and stuff.
Why don't we have a sit down chat and we can help each other out?
Now that would not have happened.
We haven't had that conversation yet, but that would not have even come up had I not said,vulnerably, I've never actually approached anybody about this.

(01:03:01):
And I would like to do more paid public speaking stuff.
How can I make that happen?
There's something endearing about us when we say I'm not sure.
I don't know how to-
the thing, because unless we're honest with these things, we can be put on a pedestal byour audience and they can think that we have all of our shit together and we are like
perfect.
And none of us are no matter, know, Steve Jobs, you mentioned earlier, no matter how highup you are on the chain, you still have situations that you aren't sure of that you've

(01:03:29):
never done before.
So mine that I speak about quite often, Holly, is a TED talk.
So that is the one that I'm currently working towards.
Yeah.
write the TED talk, get it together and just keep asking.
I have a, yeah, there's people that are putting TED talks together, approach them, tellthem you want to do it.
Give them a title, whatever your talk is about and just start approaching people.

(01:03:53):
Like there's a few people I've kind of since realized who do the TED talks, know,regularly put things on, but go to local area or around the UK and just approach it.
It's a brilliant thing to do.
mean, I still, my Ted talk has been seen by, you know, nearly, I think a half a millionpeople now.
And that's wild.

(01:04:13):
And it's, it's because it's such a credible thing.
It's such a credible brand.
People will look for it.
Like I look for Ted Talks all the time.
Like I will actually, yeah.
So you'll be amazing.
That'll be, I'm excited for you to do it.
It will be a really exciting time for you.
I was so like nervous about my Ted talk.
that'll be next level.

(01:04:33):
purely because I was like, I wanted it so bad to go how I wanted it to go.
And I'll tell you just, I know we probably haven't got a lot of time left, but when I didmy Ted talk, they said to me, a Ted talk, think is 18 minutes or something like that,
strictly speaking, have like a very strict timeframe.
I had learned it to the letter.
I had learned it upside down on my head.

(01:04:54):
Like I knew it to the timing, right?
And on the morning I'm going and they said, can you knock three minutes off?
And I just went, stopped.
Now people please are, would have went, yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir, right?
And I thought, no.
And I said, no.

(01:05:14):
I said, I'll do it to the full, you can cut it.
If you want to cut it down for your stuff, that's fine.
I'm going to do it for Ted, Ted talk.
I'm to do it for the Ted talk, right?
Not Ted X.
I'm going do it for Ted so that they can use it on their website if they want to.
And so I did, but because they decided to knock three minutes off the talks,
they had in front of me on the stage a clock, right, with 15 minutes on and as it got tothe end it was flashing.

(01:05:44):
Obviously no one else can see this so I'm like in my head like...
thinking, don't speed up.
Just do your talk.
Do it how you want to do it.
Just do your talk.
And I had done all the NLP anchoring and all of the stuff was there.
And I knew it inside out.

(01:06:05):
And I was so glad that I had that and I had practiced how to hide because then when Iwatched that Mike, yeah, it's how I wanted to do it.
It's not my business what you do with it afterwards, but I wanted to do it to the time I'ddone it in the way that I'd done it.
And I was so pleased, but it was.
It was nerve-racking, like that.
my god.
going to be, I know it's going to be like probably the biggest step that I've taken, but Iwill let you know once it's done and congratulations on yours.

(01:06:34):
we do have to, honestly, I could just speak to you for hours more.
There's so many more questions I have for you, but for the listeners, I want to set a bitof homework for everyone.
want everybody to that one person that they've been hoping to speak to.
Reach out to, I want you to go and do it this week.
Stop feeling the fear, go and do it anyway and just send that message or send that emailbecause you just don't know.

(01:06:57):
mean, we've both just proven you don't know what doors that will open for you.
as well is keep it short and sweet.
If anybody, and I really, I'm more than happy for your listeners to message me and give metheir ask.
I won't say yes to all of them.
Do not send me a three page document.
Bullet quite me with three things.
Give me an easy, easy yes.
Make it an easy yes for people.

(01:07:18):
Don't make it a long big spiel.
They'll ask for more if they're interested, but keep it simple.
And they're likely to go, go on then.
If it's like, read this like 10 page thing, no, goodbye.
the beginning.
Yeah, I agree.
Amazing.
right, Holly, thank you so much for joining me today.
If people want to come and join your world and find out more about you, where is the bestplace for them to come and find you?

(01:07:41):
Absolutely.
Well, head to imhollymatthews.com and you can get my book, Find Your Confidence, and myfirst book, The Happy Me Project is on there.
They can also join the Happy Me Project membership, which is my online self-developmentcommunity.
And I'm very, very in there.
So if you want to be around and you, you you want to really learn about your mind and thatis the space to hang out with me in there.

(01:08:03):
But I'm on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook.
I'm on all the social media, imhollymatthews.com and do come and say hello and do let meknow that you've come from here.
Tell me, you know, who you've been contacting, what your big goal is, your big scary goalthat you're scared of.
And let's talk about the things that we've spoken about because we can all help eachother.

(01:08:24):
You never know when somebody is going to be able to help you or I'm going to be able tohelp you or you're going to be able to help me.
So let's reach out and create a lovely community, which I know you already have here.
And just...
scale it out even more.
And I look forward to meeting lots of your listeners.
Amazing.
Thank you so much.
I'll put all the links in the show notes for everyone as well.
But yeah, Holly, just thank you so much.

(01:08:45):
And to the listeners, thank you again for joining us this week.
Please reach out to us and let us know, you know, who you message and the outcome of thathow it went for you.
And I will speak to you all next week.

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036 - Confidence, Resilience & The Power of Self-Talk With Holly Matthews

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}036 - Confidence, Resilience & The Power of Self-Talk With Holly Matthews