May 25, 2024 • 57 mins
In the captivating inaugural episode of 'The Brothers Grail' podcast, an invigorating approach on understanding the Bible is presented. Kicking off the discussion with the biblical book of Genesis, the Brothers Grail explore the creation story from an intriguing new perspective.
The episode enthuses listeners as traditional landowners of North Queensland and Melbourne are acknowledged, applauding their role as first storytellers and custodians of their lands for over 65,000 years. The Brothers Grail embark on an expedition, dissecting intricate aspects of the Bible, from the creation of the universe to the creation of flora and fauna, leaving the audience engaged and enthralled.
Employing sharp wit, lively debate, and thought-provoking interpretations, the Brothers Grail paint an unconventional narrative of the Bible. Deep-diving into the scriptures, they explore the symbolic meanings of diverse events, objects, and characters, illuminating new understandings on one of the world's most read literary pieces.
The episode concludes with a compelling discussion on Genesis's first two chapters, analyzing various themes - from the mystery of human creation to the surreal Garden of Eden. Join the Brothers Grail on this enlightening journey, and experience the Bible through a fresh and engaging lens.
The 'Unraveling Adam & Eve: Genesis Revisited' episode of The Brothers Grail challenges the norm, dissecting narratives, questioning traditional beliefs, and presenting a unique view on the biblical creation story. Don't miss out on this insightful and engaging understanding of one of history's most debated texts.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Brothers Grail acknowledges the Bindal and Woolgarookaba people of North
Queensland and the Wurundjeri people of Melbourne, the traditional owners of
the land we record on today.
We pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
We also recognise that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders have been custodians
of the land, rivers and seas for at least 65,000 years and were the first storytellers.
(00:27):
We are the Brothers Grail. No, not recording.
Oh, wait. No, sorry. I ruined it. You ruined it already. We're the Brothers
Grail, and this is probably a good example of how this is all going to go,
because I'm playing anything at all.
So I'm Quindog, or Colin, or whatever.
I will be reading my two brothers the Bible, because I think that people who
(00:50):
are religious don't have any idea what's in the Bible at all.
And I've read it. So I've read ahead a little bit from you boys.
I haven't finished it yet, but I've read all of Genesis. And so I'm going to
go back to page one right now and start reading you not word for word.
Cause it gets a little bit boring at times, but I'm going to read you the Bible.
(01:10):
All right. So I'm not going to ask you to introduce yourself necessarily,
but what do you want to be called? Are you just going to be Luke?
I'm going to go as the captain. You're the captain. Yeah, I'm going to go as the captain. Yep.
Captain Wetbeard, my parrot name. Yeah, that's not surprising now. My chosen identity.
Okay, Quindog. But, yeah, I think it's important we have some kind of identifying,
(01:31):
because we're brothers and we do sound a lot, some degree, like you and your son.
Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah, we do sound similar. Yes, correct. So I think it's probably
pretty good that we sometimes say each other's names.
Yes. Oh, like as in our actual names. Yeah. And you can call me,
if you call me Luke, all good. Yeah. Yeah. Similar. I will also be the captain, yes. Yep.
I'm not that creative. And you're going to be? Bevan. All right.
(01:52):
Not Kevin? No, Kevin would be so much better, yeah. All right.
I'll also accept Kevin. Kevin or Bevan. All right. No worries.
As long as it- That wonderful biblical name, Kevin. Yeah. All right.
Luke, actually biblical? Yes, correct. No. So we're going to be reading from
the first and second test.
(02:14):
No, what is it? The first testament and the new testament. The first and the new testament.
So it's the whole thing. So we are literally starting from the invention of the universe.
This is a holy Bible that I stole from a hotel room.
It's the Gideon's Bible. So they just give out free Bibles to hotels and armies and schools.
And so they like to spread the word. So we're now spreading their word on their
(02:34):
behalf. Feel that Bible, by the way. Have a feel.
Grab a page, open it, close it. It's really cool. They give it away.
Yes. But you've stolen it.
It's a good quality book. Feel the pages. They're so nice. But it has no value.
To me, it does. It's my Bible.
Yeah, happy? That's our Bible It's real, I can confirm that You can confirm
it's real It says the Bible on the front,
(02:56):
And the Gideon part, which I was planning on doing this cool introduction,
and the Gideon part is a biblical story.
There's a biblical person named Gideon, and the story behind that is pretty fucking wacky too.
So I'm looking forward to getting to that one day. Does it count as a different
church, or is it just like the brand of that Bible company? And that's all it is, is just a brand.
(03:19):
Yeah, it's just Gideon distribute the Bible.
Yeah, but they're weird. Yeah, and sometimes they do, yeah, they've given some
handy hints at the front. They've bookmarked some stuff they would like us to know about. Yeah.
The way of salvation, comfort in time of loneliness, so on and so forth,
forgiveness in time of conviction.
Very, very helpful on their behalf, hey?
(03:41):
That cuts down a lot of corn. They could just cut it down to just those sections if they wanted.
Just get right to the good bits. Yeah, yeah, straight to the bit.
But then we wouldn't get this part. Then we wouldn't get this.
So, all right, are we ready? I'm just going to rip in.
Yeah, so you're just reading it straight up. Well, to start with,
I'm going to read word for word, but then we just got to speed it up because
it's pretty boring at times. All right.
(04:02):
Music.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
The earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep.
And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
(04:26):
Then God said... What waters?
Good point. Good little pick-up. Yeah, little things like that. I agree.
What's he hovering over? He does nothing exist. Exactly. He hasn't done anything
yet. You're right. He hasn't done anything yet. It's obviously the seas.
No, because then he invents the universe in a really weird way.
Then God said, let be light. Are you okay with that? I'm going to try to do a God voice.
(04:51):
I was going to say earlier, you sound like a preacher when you're reading it.
When did you decide you were going to do a God voice? Just then.
Yeah. Okay, ready? Let there be light. And there was light. And God saw the
light. But there was already water.
There was already water, yes. That he could see in the dark.
He doesn't have to have known. He doesn't have to have known that there was
(05:14):
water below. He was looking upon the water. He just knows that he's hovering.
Yeah. But it did. Okay, anyway. Good, this is good.
I've lost track already. And God saw the light, that it was good,
and God divided the light from the darkness.
So he made light, and he's like, oh, there was already darkness,
so he divided the light from the darkness. And light's better than darkness.
Light is better than darkness.
(05:35):
God called the light day, and darkness he called night. So the evening and the
morning were the first day.
That was his first day of inventing the, that's day one, done. Yeah, he did some light.
Then God said, let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters and let it
divide the waters from the waters.
(05:55):
What does that? I'm not smart enough to know what that meant to be saying.
No. What's firmament? Oh yeah.
He did some shit that made some water move or whatever. Yeah. That was already there.
He didn't create the water. He just did the firmament. Yeah.
Yeah. Water's already there. He's on firmament duty. Yeah.
Thus God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament
from From the waters which were above the firmament, and it was so.
(06:18):
I'm not really sure. I think so. And God called the firmament heaven.
So heaven's the firmament. So he split up the water using heaven.
Yeah. Okay. And so there's water above, below, and above the firmament.
All right? Yeah, because they didn't know.
Because humans back then didn't know there was anything below the water is my theory to that.
(06:39):
Humans saw the ocean and went, there's nothing down there. Nothing down there.
It just goes. There's just meat and. Meat and bun. And yeah.
And that was the second day. Then God said, let the waters under the heavens
be gathered together in one place and let the dry land appear.
And it was so. So now we're starting to talk about the earth and the dirt and that.
(07:01):
And God called the dry land earth and the gathering together of the waters he
called seas. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, let You interrupted my voice.
And it was good. That's like my wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that where you got that from? I mean, secretly I've read that.
(07:22):
You've secretly read it. I've based my personality on it, yeah.
Earth bring forth grass,
the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to
its kind, whose seed is in itself on the earth.
Earth cool it's very wordy hey yeah that's all
i just say he made some dirt and he put some plants on it which by
(07:45):
the way good choice i like how you did work if i was gonna say but he's got
through four days in what a paragraph it's well we're not quite we're there
on the first column of the first page so he's very wordy but not very descriptive
considering we're inventing the planet the universe.
I will give it credit. I will say the correct order.
(08:06):
Water, dirt, plant, animal. That's the right order to do the life. We're not done yet.
What day are we up to? Three? I lost track. One of the two.
It sort of confirms, and the earth brought forth grass and herb that yield seed, blah blah blah, right?
It just confirms what he just invented and it happened because he's God and God saw that it was good.
(08:32):
So, the evening and the morning were the third day. We only have to day three.
Then God said, let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to divide
the day from the night and let them be for signs and seasons.
Sorry. Sorry. Hasn't that already happened with the day and night?
Wasn't that the- No, no. That's the sun. He just, that's the sun.
(08:53):
Yeah, but what, so what happened there that was- This is the sun for the heavens.
That's the sun and the moon, pretty much.
Yeah, but no. No, so the first bit when he's like, I created light,
and then that was the first day. Pay attention. So the concept of day lives.
These are stars. No, no, these are stars.
Yeah, okay. Whatever, I'll concede. I don't know. Let there be lights in the
firmament of heavens to divide the day.
(09:14):
But I write- Oh, so the sky. So this time it's the sun. Before he just invented
the concept of light, essentially, and it existed, but not from a source.
There was just light. It just existed. This time he's talking about the sun,
the stars, the moon. Specifically, he's specifically made the stars.
I'm assuming they thought the sun wasn't a star and the first light is the sun,
(09:35):
the second light's the stars. And the moon's a star.
The moon's a star, right? We haven't talked about it. Sorry,
the sun's the star. I don't think we talked about the moon yet.
All right, we're going to move on. So that was the stars.
But I dig personally that they are for signs and seasons and for days and years.
So that must be just how they read the seasons.
Making crops work, making the plants live. Aquarius and Southern Cross, brah.
(10:00):
And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light on earth. And it was so.
Then God made two great lights, the greater light to rule the day and the lesser
light to rule the night. He made the stars also.
He just threw that in there. He's like, oh, I've got a bit of light left over. I'll just jam up there.
(10:25):
God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth and
to rule over the day and over the night and to divide the light from darkness.
And God saw that it was good.
So that was the end of the fourth day.
Then God said, let the, let the, I forgot my voice.
Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures and let birds fly
(10:50):
above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens.
So there's fish and birds.
So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves with which
the waters abounded according to their kind, every winged bird.
So he's just like clipping like bang, bang, bang. He's just jamming these things in there.
And once again, God saw that it was good. It was good, yeah.
(11:12):
So I think in this part here, when it's talking about the heavens,
it's not talking about the concept of heaven where you go. It's just talking
about space and the sky. But isn't that the same thing?
Surely they don't think that your spirit floats up and is just floating up in the sky.
What is heaven then? It's in the clouds. In my head, it's a different dimension
(11:34):
kind of thing. Do they think hell is just in the centre of the earth?
I think so. Fire and bricks though. Yeah, I think so. No.
I think so. I think it was literal.
Yeah, well, whatever. Move on. So that was the end of, what are we up to?
Day four or five or whatever? and so there's
birds and fish floating floating and swimming and god blessed
them saying be fruitful and multiply and
(11:57):
fill the waters of the seas and let birds multiply on the earth so that was
the end of the fifth day then god said let the earth bring forth the living
creature according to its kind cattle and creeping thing and beast of the earth
each according to its kind And it was so. So I don't really.
Cattle. Cattle. Broad descriptions of all animal life. Kind of.
(12:20):
Done. And yeah. Deathly. Done.
Specifically cattle. Yes. Specifically cattle. They didn't have cattle.
They were the. Yeah. That's what kept everyone fed. And God made the beast of
the earth according to its kind.
Cattle according to its kind. And everything that creeps on the earth according
to its kind. And God saw. Cattle.
(12:41):
That it was good.
He fucking loves his own work, hey? No. It's like you bragging about the mullet
a second ago. No, because I think I did great.
Oh, you would use a better word. That was way better than I thought it was ever going to be.
He's just like, that's good. You're giving him credit for being a little understated.
No, I'm saying like he's just generally not very impressed.
(13:03):
Imagine if Luke did something as amazing as creating crawling creatures.
Yeah, creatures of the earth. Imagine the mung things that you would invent.
All right. So that got us- No, I'd make things easy. My plan would be to make
things as simple as humanly possible.
Three types of animals. For all humans. Food.
Cuddles? Nah. No, it would be, there would be an infinite amount of plant life,
(13:26):
but none of them- That's not simple. But like the cane toad that just makes
shit suck doesn't exist.
But like no animal causes a problem. They're just interesting.
I'll just make that work. You- you, Captain Wetbeard, would not make one annoying shit animal.
Oh, 100%. The concept of being annoyed at the animal would exist.
(13:48):
You know you would. Anyway, all right. But it doesn't kill them.
All right, so animals are there now. Animals, birds, fish, cattle, specifically cattle.
Then God said, let us... It sounds so nice. It's such a nice paper.
Then God said, let us make man in our image according to our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
(14:10):
over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.
That's why we think we own everything. That line right there.
Sorry, what was the part that made it about us owning it? Because I zoned out
for a second, I guess. Okay.
So God's made the animals and the fish. Then he goes, let us make men in our
image. I was unsure what the our thing, by the way. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(14:31):
So he's having a chat among his other gods or something.
That was odd to me. But let us make men in our image according to our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the et cetera, et cetera.
So we just, they are there for us and they only exist for us.
Maybe we should send a letter to Gideon and ask them about the us.
(14:53):
What does that refer to? We should keep track of it. Is that a typo? Questions.
I'm a bit confused. Like, is this a typo part or I just don't.
Yeah. Well, it is. They'll probably just go, this is all interpreted from Latin or whatever.
It's just what it says, mate. You just read it out what it is.
Maybe he means us as in he hasn't built the humans yet.
We haven't got to the trinity yet. It's just him created the,
(15:14):
and he's saying us and out. Yeah, it was thrown.
Maybe because he's everything or whatever. Maybe it's just like he's also the plants and the animals.
But then who has the dominion? Then who has the dominion? How do you get that
he's the plants and the animals? I'm making up some wank to make it make sense in my head.
So have dominion over them, creeps in there. So God created man in his own image.
(15:34):
In the image of God He created him.
Male and female He created them.
It sort of then goes into hell. I don't know. I guess he's summarizing here
because Adam and Eve come up soon. But I guess that's summarizing what he's
doing. So he's in the planning phase?
No, he's made them. He just made them. But they're not called Adam and Eve.
No. Well, it elaborates on that, I guess.
But it's like a, that's foreshadowing maybe of the next story.
(15:58):
Then God blessed them. And God said to them, be fruitful and multiply.
Fill the earth and subdue it.
Have dominion. I forgot my voice. And that would have been the perfect time
to have my voice in there.
Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it.
Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
(16:21):
and over every living thing that moves on this earth.
That literally gives you permission to do whatever you want.
Entitled as fuck. That literally is like, you just, yeah, it's yours.
If you want it, it's yours. Yeah, but don't eat that one. So, yeah, cool.
Well, he hasn't got to that part. No, we haven't got there yet.
At the moment, he's actually giving pure freedom. Yeah. He's not restricting anything.
(16:43):
Correct. We have to go multiply. He's not going to multiply politely.
Just do it. Just populate.
You own those birds. Yeah, you got it. Just make it happen.
Coercion. Just make it happen. There's many forms of things.
But you could be a warlord, and you just get a billion, and you just do whatever you want.
My point is, there's no nuance to that mission. It's just very blunt. All right.
(17:09):
Then God said, see, I have given you every herb that yields seed over the face of the earth.
And it sort of then reiterates all the shit that he invented.
He's like bragging about what he also the very beast of the earth, very bird of the air.
Everything that creeps the earth in which there is life. I have given every green herb for food.
(17:30):
It's just the same shit over and over and over. I'm assuming he,
maybe we should say she, but.
That he is just the easiest. Because he doesn't have anything going on.
True. The concept literally doesn't exist yet.
Yeah. Yeah. Good point. I think ours is the worst. Oh, I guess there's animals.
Yeah. Off topic. And it was so. Then God saw everything that he had made,
and indeed, it was very good.
(17:52):
So in the evening and the morning were the sixth day, chapter one done.
So that's the entire, so one page and a quarter explains the invention of everything in the Bible.
Yeah. But I figure it genuinely covers it all.
You reckon? can it called it like what about
what about black holes sorry it no yes but
(18:13):
no no but that's out of
our dominion but now we're just getting into like okay we're
we're in like the science fiction future this is just where like figure and
oh no i understand that so but this is an all-being all-knowing thing correct
need to tell us about that though like black holes are out of our dominion he's
like need to know basis but the so the stars i think i think when he says i've created light,
(18:38):
that is essentially the universe to me. So that's what that would be.
Everything outside of Earth, that's what the light is. You? Is essentially that.
Luke could be a preacher. He's already interpreting.
He's a preacher. Well, I'm the captain. You're the captain. I'm going to dominate.
Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. And Kevin's not adding to this at all.
(18:58):
So, motherfucking. Kevin's quite deep.
So, I think similar to how it's like, I don't know. The water existing before
everything is probably the dumbest part.
Okay. personally the fact that well because like he's
hovering he has to hover over something because
otherwise he's just the whole universe he is the universe yeah before that but
(19:19):
they've added water for no reason that so that part okay is a bit weird and
then light that's the only weird thing you'll get no that's the weirdest part
okay genuinely because he created everything but there's already water yeah
that i think yeah yeah but space i think the light is just that space and And then it's dirt.
The stuff that humans can see from the dirt. Yeah. I don't get it.
He added light three times.
(19:41):
He created light the first time. Then he created light for the heavens.
And then he created the two great lights. The big great lights.
Yeah. He did multiple lights.
Well, you light pretty good though. It's pretty important.
No, no, but they're all stars. The part that's a bit weird to me is that it doesn't,
the part to me that makes it be like, well, this is just wanky poetry intro
crap is if I was writing how awesome God's
(20:03):
creation was it would be he created the two great lights the sun warmth and
such that helps the plants grow the moon.
Brings the tides you know the things that
it mostly you're critiquing the actual yeah that
you're you're they should be selling this is the part that i think should be expanded
(20:24):
on well yeah you're saying a page and a fucking half whatever it's correct but
i think they cover they cover space existing they cover dirt water already existed
we've covered they cover dirt they cover plants they cover animals they cover
humans that is everything so like they just done They glossed over it, but he's not.
They created the monk. You were like, the cattle, the bug. What do you want
(20:47):
him to do? Live the whale?
You're sort of going to enjoy later where Adam gets to just name all the animals.
Well, the part I'm looking forward to is when they list the names of humans.
It's like Lord of the Rings. How far are we in? Does that tell us how far? Bottom, middle.
So we're 21. All right. So I think that's one chapter. Let's move on.
(21:09):
I think we can definitely get through chapter two. Can we take a break?
Because I could do a backyard piss.
The captain says it true. So we go for a pee break.
Music.
We've finished chapter one. The Earth's invented, or the universe has invented.
Yous have gone for a cool slash.
(21:29):
Now we're going to move on to, I don't even know what's in chapter two,
but we're just going to find out.
Oh, no, this is sort of the epilogue of Invention of the Earth,
because we only got to day six.
So chapter two is about day seven, I think.
Music.
Oh, chapter two of Genesis.
(21:53):
Creation of the universe. Thus, the heavens and earth and all of the host of them were finished.
And on the seventh day, God ended his work, which he had done.
And he rested on the seventh day from all his work, which he had done.
I like to say repetitive stuff. My issue there is what's the concept of him resting?
(22:17):
Like, what does that mean? He doesn't need to rest. That's just a way to go and treat.
He earned it. But he doesn't. He just fucking invented the time and fatigue
don't exist to him. They.
Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it because in it he rest.
Hang on. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it,
(22:39):
because in it he rested from all his work which God had created and made.
That just makes no fucking sense at all.
This is the history of the heavens and the earth when they were created in the
day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens.
Just a fucking loop-de-loop of saying- It's saying that stuff in the first,
(22:59):
well, page and a half, that was the creation of the universe, and that's it.
We're moving on. It's just recovering. Yeah. It's like just, yeah. Stop.
Don't even dot points. It's just saying that was what you read before.
That was creation of the universe. And he's just sitting back,
resting, just going, yeah, I did it. I made it. It was done.
And I do it, and it was great. And I'm the lord of the heavens. It was done.
(23:19):
And it was good. Once again, I should do a voice when I'm reading any part of
it. Nah, it's okay. Yeah.
Well, how do you know when I'm just talking versus, okay, ready?
I'm reading again. Quote. I'll say quote.
I won't say that. Unquote. Get fucked. Quote.
Before any plant of the field was in the earth and before any herb of the field had grown, full stop.
(23:47):
For the lord god had not caused a statement a
statement yes yeah that has happened for the lord god
had not caused it to rain on the earth and there was
no man to till the ground they said the seasons existed and they said male and
female existed yeah so how does how does rain like yeah i don't know snow nah
i don't know see this is what i'm talking about plants exist there has to be
(24:07):
weather whether the concept whether it's season he's made the concept maybe
yeah like So it's just like,
it's just like, well, water exists.
So it's something that requires water.
We're overthinking it. Is it salt water? Because it's the ocean. We're overthinking it.
But you see where I'm going with this. Hey, it's a fucking mindfuck.
(24:29):
It wasn't very descriptive of how it was done.
But they're also telling us information they don't need. Like,
all they had to do was, everything was built.
And now I'm going to tell the story of the first humans. Move on.
Yeah. Like, we've already covered all of the creation we need.
I know there are plants. I know there are animals. I know there's light. I know there's a moon.
(24:50):
We're done. Time to get on to the stories. i knew captain
wetman would be fucking right into this
shit all right so he just said it
hasn't rained and there's no man to till the ground quote but
a mist went up from the earth and watered down the
whole face of the ground and the lord god
formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed
(25:11):
into his nostrils the breath of life and man
became a living being that's the rainbow serpent that's
just fucking do you know what i mean like it's it's a
thing just washing over and just solve it like it
just feels mystical to me it does the mist
rose up and yeah and that's not how the science
works it's like it's a story of like
(25:33):
a thing that someone's to say like that's like you could describe that to
say in the mount that's why the mountain exists in
this local area but this is global yeah
this is like universal you're not
just australia you're getting so you are a preacher
preacher you should cut this part out you're not captain anymore you're
i feel uncomfortable the lord god planted a garden eastward in eden here we
(25:57):
go we're getting straight into the garden of eden that's what i wanted to get
and there he put the man whom he had formed and out of the ground the lord god
made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food.
The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge
of good and evil. Oh, boom.
(26:18):
Yeah. So, yeah, okay. Now a river went out of Eden to water the garden.
So I don't know what went out. Anyway.
And from there, it parted and became four river heads.
The name of the first is Pishon, and the name of the- Yeah, whatever.
Skirts the whole land, and there's gold in one, and there's some onyx stone in some other one.
(26:43):
The name of the second river is Gihon, which goes around the whole land of Kush,
which is a cool name for it. Yeah.
Like cushion, Kush. This is what I'm getting at. Like the rainbow serpent thing that I was saying,
which is kind of like when i was in new zealand it'd be on a bus ride
and they're like this is how this mountain was formed if i
was in the location where this happened
(27:03):
and it was a story that had been passed down someone's like
that's what this river but this is meaningless to
me descriptively it's like lord of the rings when they go into too much detail
it's a it's a story book yeah back in the day they just this is how this stuff
happened and it was gone yeah and i I would genuinely find it awesome as fuck
if a story had been passed down from whenever this was written to now about
(27:27):
those, but what are those rivers?
And if I saw them, if they exist, then someone could tell me.
I'm sure they are. It's just meaningless babble. Yeah.
So the second river is Cush. Yeah. The name of the third river is Hittikal,
which goes east to Assyria.
The fourth is the Euphrates.
That's a real, I know. Is it real? I don't know. Then the Lord God.
(27:49):
I don't know if it's just, I don't know, because I don't know geography.
I'm actually pretty dumb.
But I know that word. He sounded as confident about that as he was about hairdressing.
Yeah, and then I got there. And you nailed it. Yeah, you nailed it.
The Euphrates, whatever. Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden
of Eden to tend and keep it.
And the Lord God commanded the man, saying.
(28:13):
Every tree of the garden you may
freely eat but the tree of knowledge
of good and evil you shall not eat
for in the day that you eat it uh eat of it you shall surely die so he's the
only dude that he's invented he's about to he's happy just to move and he also
is that the magical fruit that like the apple it turns up ends up being but
(28:35):
they don't die when they eat it good point he lied He went back on his word straight away.
So he's pussed out. He didn't go, I'm going to start again.
You two failed. Yeah, because it only took me seven days. He promised a death.
I could make another one of you. He promised death.
And then he's just like, no, actually, I just meant you're kicked out of this little area.
Well, we'll get there. We'll learn exactly what he does. But you're right.
(28:55):
He doesn't murder them. I'm basing this entirely on that Simpsons episode that
they tell where Homer is.
And then Homer gets flicked out. So I assume banishment.
And I know they have children and shit. No wonder humans kept going along crazy
paths, because their first punishment from their parents was inconsistent.
Didn't fly through. I'm going to kill you.
Just get out of the garden. Yeah, the naughty boy.
(29:16):
He would have handed out a participation trophy, I reckon.
He would have got it. He's so woke. When they first procreated,
he would have been like, mate, good effort.
Even if the kids shit, even if they can't parent, they would go,
you know what? But you get, I finished becoming a parent certificate is what
God hands them. Because he's a little bitch.
(29:37):
He doesn't know how to control them yet.
But he's still in the freedom phase. He tried to be tough, but he's still in the freedom.
Like, I want you to just dominion. He hasn't come up to the controlling.
Which I assume. Eventually they do their dash. Pretty soon he's going to overcompensate.
Because eventually, by the way.
Yeah. Yeah. So we get there too. We get there.
(29:59):
And yeah he kills the animals not just the humans quote most of them no where the fuck am i quote,
where am i you just fuck me you may freely eat but the tree of knowledge you
can't eat and you will surely die right i'm caught up and the lord god said
it is not good that a man should be alone i will make him a helper,
(30:21):
helper before the concept
of a woman existing helper is the
term that is genius a helper comparable
to him comparable yeah but he definitely said oh that is so much worse than
i could possibly have imagined not even close i've gone home to my to my wife
(30:44):
who's just that's That's a genuinely indefensible as a concept of like the thing
you worship the most on earth.
Fucking hell. But maybe that's just Gideon. Maybe that's just Gideon's interpretation.
All Gideon has done is they've just given the Bible out and...
This is not Gideon they just deliver it,
(31:07):
that's so fucking bad that is genuinely awful hold that thought,
it gets way fucking worse we haven't gotten to child murder or whatever if you
have that reaction every time this is going to last forever,
we've already gone a bit too far anyway quote.
Out of the ground the Lord God formed every so he's just said I'm going to make
(31:30):
a helper and then he got distracted So he goes,
out of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird
of the- Which he already created, I feel like. And brought them to Adam.
Country music got it right. The first helper is the dog.
Country music. Keep the dog out of the way. Yeah, it's a cow.
Yeah, so the helper was the animals first.
(31:52):
Women were below the animal. Oh my, ew. It's the basket words.
Sorry, and he said comparable, and then brought up the animals.
I guess maybe it means mammals.
Maybe it's actually scientifically very accurate. Well, hold that thought because
we'll find out. Because I agree.
I thought the helper was the woman. But you're right. They start talking about, so out of the ground.
And that's my new interpreter. And I think it's true.
(32:14):
If I was a preacher, that's the direction I would go. Which also doesn't go well for women at all.
Quote, out of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast
of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what
he would call them yeah and whatever adam called each living creature that was
its name so adam unnecessary detail the pressure so the pressure so he's like i would be like.
(32:50):
And and also just like i don't know i think that's where i was going with it Just dumb.
Another one? Fucking hell. How many of these do you have?
So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field.
But for Adam, there was not found a helper comparable to him.
(33:13):
So, yeah. He tried but failed to make the helper. He didn't just think I added titties. My dog.
Not going to help me good enough. That cow. No good.
Sorry. Now that it's called a dog, And now that it's called a cow,
because I just called it.
Yeah. The other part is, this is the point where, again, if I'm preaching,
I'm saying, if I'm teaching people this book and I've read this book,
(33:38):
and I'm telling them it's the truth,
I'm telling them when this happened, there were very few birds and animals on
earth. There were just such a small amount.
Yeah. And then evolution did happen. Over the last 6,000 years.
Because the concept of Adam naming, and also, there's no way we've kept the same names.
(34:00):
No. Because the kiwi bird was not named by Adam. No. Impossible.
It's just factually impossible.
Yeah. So you have to say evolution's real.
Even if it's not human. So this is your creationist world. If I'm selling this book, I'm saying.
So they had robins and they had. Humans. Hawks. Didn't evolve.
(34:24):
There was an owl for sure.
Humans did not evolve. I'm sorry. Yeah. Humans. if
you take this literally currently humans didn't
evolve they just started off as a human and it was just one
dude named adam that he hadn't figured out how
to make a buddy for he tried animals birds in fact
birds he thought were quite comparable to adam but he hadn't
(34:44):
figured out women yet we've got we've got birds and cattle
or whatever the fuck but we haven't got women the way you said tried animals
that you tried oh mate is that when bestiality exists because procreation exists
presumably because unless we're on day three currently no no we're on day seven
we've got to be day seven but he went so he moved on from built so all right
(35:08):
procreation exists he's fucking relax preacher relax i'm
preaching where you are maybe i should be the pre no i'm captain yeah no you're
the preacher no i'm the captain preacher where it just doesn't work i was on
the or maybe it's worse where am i adam gave names to all the cattle birds of
the air and to every beast of the field but for there was no help of comparable
and the The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam. Proof,
(35:29):
like fucking Cosby style.
Not for sexual pleasure, I don't think. And he slept. And he took one of his
ribs and closed up the flesh in its place.
Then the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, he made into a woman and
he brought her to the man.
Nonsense. That is, he already can magic anything into existence.
(35:52):
Yeah. Why does he have to do surgery?
And how does a woman come from a bone? Or whatever the fuck it really is.
I'm sure on day three or four it said he made men. Yeah, yeah.
So they exist. They're invented. But he didn't finish the job,
maybe. They exist conceptually.
And he just hadn't. Like, he'd drawn the plans up. So he's already worked it out for the animals.
(36:15):
Yeah. So he's figuring out how to make them procreate. But he just hasn't worked
out the idea of the human version.
The main animal. Yeah, that's his whole purpose The one who's supposed to run
the whole show He's just meant to figure out how they're going to fuck It's
just meant to be a dude repeated many times Is the answer It was just meant
to be Adam He didn't need a single one But he shouldn't have to,
(36:37):
Do anything though He needs a buddy or a partner,
Helper was the word. Not a buddy. Below our buddy, yeah.
So deep sleep, and he brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my...
That's the voice I teach of Adam. You did well, I think. This is now bone of
(37:01):
my bones and flesh of my flesh.
She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.
I'm embarrassed right now. I've gone red.
She was taken out of man therefore a man
a man shall leave his father
and mother and be joined to his wife and so he's riffing right now by the way
(37:24):
also marriage just got created just then yeah on the fly and and and there hasn't
been a mother or father yet he's just like she also doesn't get to choose to
be married to him because she's just a helper and that's what a wife is yeah
yeah so So, yeah, no mothers,
no fathers, no marriage, but he just was like, mother-father marriage, job done.
But I've got to remember, hang on. And he was, therefore, a man shall leave his mother-father.
(37:49):
He got more than easily. And be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
It doesn't end. Oh, no. I was doing the voice for not his speaking part.
Quote. Quote. Quote. And they were both naked.
And just as a final thing, this is the last line of the chapter.
And they were both naked, the man and the wife, and were not ashamed.
(38:11):
That's the closing of that chapter.
Genuinely, the most awesome part of the whole thing so far. Just getting around.
They're just naked. And went out of their way to say not ashamed.
Genuinely, top shit. You should be, but they weren't. Yeah.
No, no. I don't even see it in play. It's just they were naked,
but not ashamed. But the concept of shame doesn't exist.
But that's a key. That's foreshadowing because that's a critical part to his
(38:35):
rage coming up. That's like they.
So God's created a human that is naked.
He could have created furry motherfuckers. Like you should have so much bush. Big muff.
That unless you're erect, your penis is invisible.
Visible he could have like he could have created things
to prevent our shame being exposed this
(38:56):
is an incompetent god i would be we've got the mcdonald going he's going from
defending and and and sort of solving how he would be french now he's just straight
back you know god's he's getting competent but he is incompetent he could have
just made the bush so big that it held your,
(39:16):
We didn't need clothing if he just provided us with the skin and weather conditions
that made us not need clothing.
I like how your solvers just cover it with hair. You could make it internal
and come out with some shit on. I don't want to sheave. Fucking hair.
He's in the freedom phase now. If I figured out a way to rip out my pubes so
(39:37):
I can expose it, and he would be okay with that.
Do we want to take a break? We can do that. Thank you.
Oh, give us a bush, give us a bush.
And we're going to move, we've just completed chapter three.
(39:57):
They were naked and they were not ashamed.
So everyone's happy we're up to it. We're going to start chapter three now.
God back in. God back in. God.
Return. Start. Resume. Resume. God mode resume. All right. Quote.
Now, oh, we're going to talk about serpents. I like serpents.
You were talking about serpents.
No, I wasn't. Now, the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field,
(40:22):
which the Lord God had made. Why does everyone hate snakes?
Snakes are evil. Slytherin. Slytherin on the ground. All Slytherin,
evil. Yeah, Slytherin. Yeah.
And which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, has God indeed said?
Oh, so this is the serpent talking.
Sorry. I missed that. Snake. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
(40:45):
Has God indeed said you shall not eat of every tree in the garden? Starscream?
Starscream. Yeah. And the woman said to the serpent, we may eat the fruit of
the trees of the garden. So they're only meant to eat meat.
(41:07):
We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden. They can't eat the fruit.
They can't. All except for the main tree. Oh, okay. Well, that's actually pretty fair.
Well, it's rude. Like, why can't you eat that one? If you'd stop interrupting me.
But of the fruit of the tree, which is in the midst of the garden,
(41:27):
God has said, you shall not eat it. Because she was going to God.
You shall not eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nor shall you touch it, lest you die.
Doubling down on you die. So she's fully aware. Death is doubled up. She is fully aware.
Yeah. Then the serpent said to the woman, you will not surely die,
(41:50):
for God knows that in the day you eat of it, your eyes will be opened and you
will be like God, knowing good and evil.
So he's dead set being a cunning. Almost. Sorry.
Manipulating. We should eat the fruit because we should know what,
like, so God's got, God punishes them for, he doesn't want them to even know
(42:10):
the concept of right and wrong. He just wants them to obey.
Doesn't want them to do any of that, any of that fun stuff. And we already know
his concept of good is pretty average.
So far. Yeah. Yeah. If you eat some fruit, you die. No, no, no.
So I don't think it's average.
So far it's, it's the ability to build a universe. It gets worse. Yeah. So, okay. Okay.
(42:34):
For knowing good and evil. So when the woman saw that the tree was good for
food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise,
she took of its fruit and ate.
Oh, she didn't fuck around. No, she just drank it. I thought this would be like
a slow corruption of some. No, just immediate.
(42:56):
It's the weakness of women is what it's demonstrating.
And all the convincingness of the talking snake that just exists.
It doesn't give, God gave the snake the ability to talk.
Can all snakes talk? Can all animals talk at this point? I don't know what the
rules are. Shouldn't God have had a purpose for this? Maybe this was meant to happen.
Well, did he create the sneaky snake?
(43:17):
And also, I think a snake has the right animals to choose, by the way.
Like you pointed out before, he's bad at creating things because he's created
this woman that in one day is just like, yeah.
I'm not supposed to eat the fruit. And so the snake goes, yeah,
it's cool. Cool. Okay. Oh, okay.
No worries. The talking snake, which that also implies it's very normal that
it's a talking snake. Yeah, that must be.
And I want to say, I would personally, if I was writing a cool fantasy novel
(43:42):
and I had to choose an animal to be a treacherous one that tricks you,
I would choose a snake, which makes it less believable that it was a snake.
Like, why wasn't it a trusting cow? A lovable cow.
Oh, you're going to eat me a bit late. I reckon you should eat that apple.
Yes why you've chosen the stereotype evil animal
(44:05):
yeah or are we just basing it because that's what the
original one i think that snakes because they're slithery and stealthy that
i know why someone would have chosen it and it's still
relevant today and that's why this is fantasy work that's why
yeah all right quote that's my
shut up luke and it was a good time
but my point was good yeah and so so
(44:25):
yeah she took of the fruit and ate she also gave to
her husband with her and he ate oh so
he just he just went along and it's like hey hey i want to redecorate the kitchen
okay that snake over there told me to add some fruit and i did so here have
some fruit i made dinner okay good helper she helped him maybe he hasn't he
(44:47):
was too complacent because of the help he hasn't made dinner in that long he
doesn't know what the fruit looks like he's like eat this Okay.
Then the eyes of both of them were, quote, then the eyes of both of them were
opened and they knew that they were naked.
And they- They knew they were naked before and they were unashamed,
but now they know they're naked. Now they know they're naked.
(45:07):
Oh, because they're evil.
Exactly. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves covering.
So, you know, the photos that- The leaves or whatever. The photos that we have of Adam and Eve.
The white Adam and Eve that were definitely just white. The images of Adam and
Eve with the fig leaves. So that's that.
Yeah. Instead of the big bush, that would have done the same job.
Again, which God had control of. And God, who knowingly put the concept of evil
(45:32):
in the fruit, and then when you eat it, the first evil thing you notice is your
nakedness, which God gave you and didn't provide you natural protection from.
So you just discover, what they've discovered is their bodies are evil.
Yes. That's, oh. And so you've, to this day. It's so bad.
But the next thing, he's created them and said, go forth and multiply.
(45:54):
But the original sin is sex and they don't know about that until they've had
this fruit so how were they to multiply without the knowledge of this well maybe
they just fucked just like because it's like it was just like sin until they
although they were told to go for before go forth before
eve was built we were the everything was told to go forth and multiply so that's
(46:15):
what caused multiplication you wouldn't have been able to go i'm going to do
an evil thing you would have just done the thing that you were supposed to do.
Is it only evil because of the knowledge you have? Now you know it's evil. Yeah.
And so they're ashamed of it now because they've been enlightened that there is evil and good now.
Which, if I was a preacher, I would be exploiting the concept of evil and I'd
(46:36):
be like, look, by evil, what they really mean is weird shit.
I'm going to get more and more brutal on that.
Made their coverings, and they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the
garden in the cool of the day.
Yeah. And Adam and his wife hid
themselves from the presence of the Lord among the trees of the garden.
(47:01):
Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, where are you?
Okay. Where are you? So he said, I heard your.
I'm over here. They're over there. No, he didn't say that. They were doing good. I'm over here, guys.
(47:24):
Where are you? And he said, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid.
Oh, no, this is Adam. Sorry.
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked.
And I hid myself. And he said.
And he said. Who told you that you were naked?
(47:46):
Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?
No. Then the man said, he doled straight. The woman.
Oh, shit. She doesn't even have a name. Does she have a name? No.
The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.
(48:08):
And the Lord God said to the woman, what is this?
You have done and the woman said I forget her voice now the serpent.
Deceived me and I ate so the Lord God said to the serpent because you have done
this you are cursed more than all cattle and more than every beast of the field
(48:30):
on your belly you shall go and you shall eat dust all the days of your life fuck that would be awful,
I'd rather go to hell than eat dust and then he rants on a bit more,
And I'll put enmity between you and the woman. Enmity? Enmity? E-M.
N-E-N. Enmity. E-N. Anyway.
(48:53):
And I'll put enmity between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed.
He shall bruise your head and you shall bruise his heel.
I have no fucking idea what that is. Is this genuinely talking about creating eggs and sperm?
Yeah, I think so. That's the vibe I got. because he's talking about seed and it's separation.
So it's like to procreate. This is the creation of the concept of procreation.
(49:16):
Yeah, right. And the bruising sounds violent.
It's like fucking you found each other in a physical way.
That's the way I'm reading it. Yeah, so bruise her and bruise his heel.
That's some poor lovemaking. That's some Jared Hayne lovemaking right there. Then hold.
Then he says, I was ignoring you. It was good. You missed out. I'll listen back later.
(49:42):
To the woman, he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception.
In pain, you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband,
and he shall rule over you.
So hang on. Every time a woman ever complains about labor, it's your own fault
(50:03):
for eating that fruit. Eating that fucking fruit.
Exactly right. What was the plan before that?
Genuinely. What was the procreation technique?
That's my biggest thing. Because as it, again, as like a just spinning a yarn
to explain why childbirth is so horrific.
Yeah, cool. Whatever. Oh, I heard that's how they decided to explain.
Yeah, like they brought, like you said, they introduced the concept of shame.
(50:27):
Now it's like then you've eaten the fruit you should be
shameful of that and that's why specifically you
feel that because it is brutal and you
can only imagine what how brutal it would have been back in the day but also
that's how they chose to explain why it happened but also remember evil he didn't
murder him he was supposed to he was supposed to murder him great yeah but in
the end it was just used as an excuse to explain why childbirth is horrific
(50:51):
yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. Because she's a shit. Your fault.
Not your fault specifically, but because of your kind or whatever.
What about all the other animals that do the same thing?
What do they do wrong together? Who did what? All the other animals.
Oh, yeah, yeah. The ones that have to die to give birth and shit.
That one covered on day two, mate.
We've moved past that. They don't know it's special. We've got dominion over
(51:12):
them. Their shit doesn't matter. That counts.
But also, we all breed the same way, but our version was built after their version,
or whatever day we're on now.
Yeah. But so the techniques all existed already. The concept of both sides existed already.
It wasn't until Eve ate the fruit that the humans got that same biological thing going on.
Once again, I wasn't listening at all. All right.
(51:35):
Then to Adam, he said, because you have heeded the voice of your wife and have
eaten from the fruit of the tree, which I command you, saying,
so he's quoting himself now, you shall not eat of it.
Cursed is the ground for your sake. In toil you shall eat of it all the days
of your life. So now he's just saying, you don't get the garden anymore that
(51:57):
just makes fruit for you.
You're going to have to get out in the field and dig. I've gone back on murder or death penalty.
Woman is in pain to punch at kids and you just got to dig in the dirt.
Both of you just in the dirt.
Yeah. And he also said earlier on that the earth didn't have plants because we weren't sowing it.
And then he gave us a garden to eat in. But he didn't have to sow the seeds there.
(52:18):
At this point, sorry, he's built the universe.
But earth is actually- We're going back to page one. Earth is just a barren
wasteland except the Garden of Eden? I guess so. I think so, yeah.
Okay. Oh, that's okay. And then it's our job. Job's not done.
It's our job now. It's now Adam's job to go and build all the cool stuff. Get out of it.
(52:43):
All right. Bring forth. Okay.
Curse is the ground for your shake. All it does is your life.
Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, and you shall eat the
herb of the field, sweat in your face, blah, blah. So he's just.
You're going to eat pointy plants.
He's just making the world for him. Total shit. The dust you are,
(53:05):
and to dust you shall return, he says.
And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.
No, that doesn't make any sense.
Also, for Adam and his wife, the Lord God made tunics of skin and clothed them.
Because now, you know, so they're not ashamed. So now they've got some cow skin.
When they were naked before, they were different naked. No, they were naked,
(53:26):
but now they're ashamed.
So he's clothing them. So humans never actually figured out how to make clothing.
God just went, there's your clothes, but also at the same time,
now you're banished. Yeah.
Here's a nice set of threads. Fuck. You know now being naked is evil,
and that's how I made you.
But now that I'm banishing you, you get clothes that I've made for you that will last forever.
(53:51):
Oh, and this is pretty telling. So now, then the Lord God said,
Behold, the man who has become like one of us to know good and evil,
and now lest he put out his hand and take for the tree of life and eat and live forever. Ever.
So I think he's sort of saying now, men are now gods, essentially,
(54:12):
because they know evil and good.
And so that gives us a little bit more power again.
But physically and magically, nothing changes. Zero. Yeah, exactly.
We can't create a universe.
We just know good and evil. We just know the concept of evil,
which so far is established as just being nudity.
Which, to be honest, that's pretty powerful, isn't it?
And is disobedience evil? And how did we know to eat the fruit due to disobedience
(54:36):
before we knew what evil was? But it's not evil unless you know it's evil.
So we didn't know it was evil. It's all just fucking dumb. Yep. Now it's evil.
So, become like one of us, etc. Therefore, the Lord God sent him out of the
garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken.
So, he drove out the man and placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden
(54:57):
and a flaming sword, which turned every way to guard the way to the tree of
life. So, he just made a sword.
Is cherubim like cherubs? Like those naked babies with wings that shoot cherubim?
Yeah, maybe. Maybe, maybe.
Yeah. Like the winged. He's placed monsters to guard it. And like,
if you go there, we're going to fuck you. I'm not going to Google it.
(55:18):
I reckon you're right. Cherubim. I reckon. Because it sounds like,
it sounds like a guarding. That fits. Yep. Cherubim. And the flaming sword was pretty great too.
That's a big, flaming sword, naked babies with wings.
Is that what a cherub is? I don't know. Anyway, I'll tell you.
Yeah. And so that's, that's Adam and Eve. Weak. So that was chapter three.
So I reckon we wrap it up. but coming up next,
(55:41):
time is where they start fucking and they save some kids and then the kids are
fucking cunts and anyway so that's chapter four so we'll have to catch up and
yeah learn a bit more about Adam and Eve's fucked up kids who there's,
murder involved so that's where we're at so a plot fucking giveaway yeah well
well we watched The Simpsons and I actually don't think that part was in The
(56:03):
Simpsons no it was so it's amazing the can and the apple thing yeah is it can
and the apple Yes. Yeah. But then there's more later.
They're returning characters. They're recurring characters. God isn't a complete fuck to them.
So anyway, that's what we've got to look forward to. Thank you, Preacher.
The Captain. Thanks, Kevin. God out.
(56:27):
Before he arrived, waters already flowed. A six-day turnaround.
Music.
Light glowed and glowed and glowed.
Eve, a helper, a bit better than cattle.
(56:47):
Adam named all the animals, she didn't matter.
The serpent spoke, deviant and conniving. Eve listened, Adam too,
and God gave them a rinsing.
(57:09):
God, a bad parent, didn't know what to do.
A promise of death, but couldn't come through.
If I gave them just a massive bush, I wouldn't have to.
(57:30):
Music.
The Brothers Grail acknowledges the Bindal and Woolgarookaba people of North
Queensland and the Wurundjeri people of Melbourne, the traditional owners of
the land we record on today.
We pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
We also recognise that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders have been custodians
of the land, rivers and seas for at least 65,000 years and were the first storytellers.
(00:27):
We are the Brothers Grail. No, not recording.
Oh, wait. No, sorry. I ruined it. You ruined it already. We're the Brothers
Grail, and this is probably a good example of how this is all going to go,
because I'm playing anything at all.
So I'm Quindog, or Colin, or whatever.
I will be reading my two brothers the Bible, because I think that people who
(00:50):
are religious don't have any idea what's in the Bible at all.
And I've read it. So I've read ahead a little bit from you boys.
I haven't finished it yet, but I've read all of Genesis. And so I'm going to
go back to page one right now and start reading you not word for word.
Cause it gets a little bit boring at times, but I'm going to read you the Bible.
(01:10):
All right. So I'm not going to ask you to introduce yourself necessarily,
but what do you want to be called? Are you just going to be Luke?
I'm going to go as the captain. You're the captain. Yeah, I'm going to go as the captain. Yep.
Captain Wetbeard, my parrot name. Yeah, that's not surprising now. My chosen identity.
Okay, Quindog. But, yeah, I think it's important we have some kind of identifying,
(01:31):
because we're brothers and we do sound a lot, some degree, like you and your son.
Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah, we do sound similar. Yes, correct. So I think it's probably
pretty good that we sometimes say each other's names.
Yes. Oh, like as in our actual names. Yeah. And you can call me,
if you call me Luke, all good. Yeah. Yeah. Similar. I will also be the captain, yes. Yep.
I'm not that creative. And you're going to be? Bevan. All right.
(01:52):
Not Kevin? No, Kevin would be so much better, yeah. All right.
I'll also accept Kevin. Kevin or Bevan. All right. No worries.
As long as it- That wonderful biblical name, Kevin. Yeah. All right.
Luke, actually biblical? Yes, correct. No. So we're going to be reading from
the first and second test.
(02:14):
No, what is it? The first testament and the new testament. The first and the new testament.
So it's the whole thing. So we are literally starting from the invention of the universe.
This is a holy Bible that I stole from a hotel room.
It's the Gideon's Bible. So they just give out free Bibles to hotels and armies and schools.
And so they like to spread the word. So we're now spreading their word on their
(02:34):
behalf. Feel that Bible, by the way. Have a feel.
Grab a page, open it, close it. It's really cool. They give it away.
Yes. But you've stolen it.
It's a good quality book. Feel the pages. They're so nice. But it has no value.
To me, it does. It's my Bible.
Yeah, happy? That's our Bible It's real, I can confirm that You can confirm
it's real It says the Bible on the front,
(02:56):
And the Gideon part, which I was planning on doing this cool introduction,
and the Gideon part is a biblical story.
There's a biblical person named Gideon, and the story behind that is pretty fucking wacky too.
So I'm looking forward to getting to that one day. Does it count as a different
church, or is it just like the brand of that Bible company? And that's all it is, is just a brand.
(03:19):
Yeah, it's just Gideon distribute the Bible.
Yeah, but they're weird. Yeah, and sometimes they do, yeah, they've given some
handy hints at the front. They've bookmarked some stuff they would like us to know about. Yeah.
The way of salvation, comfort in time of loneliness, so on and so forth,
forgiveness in time of conviction.
Very, very helpful on their behalf, hey?
(03:41):
That cuts down a lot of corn. They could just cut it down to just those sections if they wanted.
Just get right to the good bits. Yeah, yeah, straight to the bit.
But then we wouldn't get this part. Then we wouldn't get this.
So, all right, are we ready? I'm just going to rip in.
Yeah, so you're just reading it straight up. Well, to start with,
I'm going to read word for word, but then we just got to speed it up because
it's pretty boring at times. All right.
(04:02):
Music.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
The earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep.
And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
(04:26):
Then God said... What waters?
Good point. Good little pick-up. Yeah, little things like that. I agree.
What's he hovering over? He does nothing exist. Exactly. He hasn't done anything
yet. You're right. He hasn't done anything yet. It's obviously the seas.
No, because then he invents the universe in a really weird way.
Then God said, let be light. Are you okay with that? I'm going to try to do a God voice.
(04:51):
I was going to say earlier, you sound like a preacher when you're reading it.
When did you decide you were going to do a God voice? Just then.
Yeah. Okay, ready? Let there be light. And there was light. And God saw the
light. But there was already water.
There was already water, yes. That he could see in the dark.
He doesn't have to have known. He doesn't have to have known that there was
(05:14):
water below. He was looking upon the water. He just knows that he's hovering.
Yeah. But it did. Okay, anyway. Good, this is good.
I've lost track already. And God saw the light, that it was good,
and God divided the light from the darkness.
So he made light, and he's like, oh, there was already darkness,
so he divided the light from the darkness. And light's better than darkness.
Light is better than darkness.
(05:35):
God called the light day, and darkness he called night. So the evening and the
morning were the first day.
That was his first day of inventing the, that's day one, done. Yeah, he did some light.
Then God said, let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters and let it
divide the waters from the waters.
(05:55):
What does that? I'm not smart enough to know what that meant to be saying.
No. What's firmament? Oh yeah.
He did some shit that made some water move or whatever. Yeah. That was already there.
He didn't create the water. He just did the firmament. Yeah.
Yeah. Water's already there. He's on firmament duty. Yeah.
Thus God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament
from From the waters which were above the firmament, and it was so.
(06:18):
I'm not really sure. I think so. And God called the firmament heaven.
So heaven's the firmament. So he split up the water using heaven.
Yeah. Okay. And so there's water above, below, and above the firmament.
All right? Yeah, because they didn't know.
Because humans back then didn't know there was anything below the water is my theory to that.
(06:39):
Humans saw the ocean and went, there's nothing down there. Nothing down there.
It just goes. There's just meat and. Meat and bun. And yeah.
And that was the second day. Then God said, let the waters under the heavens
be gathered together in one place and let the dry land appear.
And it was so. So now we're starting to talk about the earth and the dirt and that.
(07:01):
And God called the dry land earth and the gathering together of the waters he
called seas. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, let You interrupted my voice.
And it was good. That's like my wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that where you got that from? I mean, secretly I've read that.
(07:22):
You've secretly read it. I've based my personality on it, yeah.
Earth bring forth grass,
the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to
its kind, whose seed is in itself on the earth.
Earth cool it's very wordy hey yeah that's all
i just say he made some dirt and he put some plants on it which by
(07:45):
the way good choice i like how you did work if i was gonna say but he's got
through four days in what a paragraph it's well we're not quite we're there
on the first column of the first page so he's very wordy but not very descriptive
considering we're inventing the planet the universe.
I will give it credit. I will say the correct order.
(08:06):
Water, dirt, plant, animal. That's the right order to do the life. We're not done yet.
What day are we up to? Three? I lost track. One of the two.
It sort of confirms, and the earth brought forth grass and herb that yield seed, blah blah blah, right?
It just confirms what he just invented and it happened because he's God and God saw that it was good.
(08:32):
So, the evening and the morning were the third day. We only have to day three.
Then God said, let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to divide
the day from the night and let them be for signs and seasons.
Sorry. Sorry. Hasn't that already happened with the day and night?
Wasn't that the- No, no. That's the sun. He just, that's the sun.
(08:53):
Yeah, but what, so what happened there that was- This is the sun for the heavens.
That's the sun and the moon, pretty much.
Yeah, but no. No, so the first bit when he's like, I created light,
and then that was the first day. Pay attention. So the concept of day lives.
These are stars. No, no, these are stars.
Yeah, okay. Whatever, I'll concede. I don't know. Let there be lights in the
firmament of heavens to divide the day.
(09:14):
But I write- Oh, so the sky. So this time it's the sun. Before he just invented
the concept of light, essentially, and it existed, but not from a source.
There was just light. It just existed. This time he's talking about the sun,
the stars, the moon. Specifically, he's specifically made the stars.
I'm assuming they thought the sun wasn't a star and the first light is the sun,
(09:35):
the second light's the stars. And the moon's a star.
The moon's a star, right? We haven't talked about it. Sorry,
the sun's the star. I don't think we talked about the moon yet.
All right, we're going to move on. So that was the stars.
But I dig personally that they are for signs and seasons and for days and years.
So that must be just how they read the seasons.
Making crops work, making the plants live. Aquarius and Southern Cross, brah.
(10:00):
And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light on earth. And it was so.
Then God made two great lights, the greater light to rule the day and the lesser
light to rule the night. He made the stars also.
He just threw that in there. He's like, oh, I've got a bit of light left over. I'll just jam up there.
(10:25):
God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth and
to rule over the day and over the night and to divide the light from darkness.
And God saw that it was good.
So that was the end of the fourth day.
Then God said, let the, let the, I forgot my voice.
Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures and let birds fly
(10:50):
above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens.
So there's fish and birds.
So God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves with which
the waters abounded according to their kind, every winged bird.
So he's just like clipping like bang, bang, bang. He's just jamming these things in there.
And once again, God saw that it was good. It was good, yeah.
(11:12):
So I think in this part here, when it's talking about the heavens,
it's not talking about the concept of heaven where you go. It's just talking
about space and the sky. But isn't that the same thing?
Surely they don't think that your spirit floats up and is just floating up in the sky.
What is heaven then? It's in the clouds. In my head, it's a different dimension
(11:34):
kind of thing. Do they think hell is just in the centre of the earth?
I think so. Fire and bricks though. Yeah, I think so. No.
I think so. I think it was literal.
Yeah, well, whatever. Move on. So that was the end of, what are we up to?
Day four or five or whatever? and so there's
birds and fish floating floating and swimming and god blessed
them saying be fruitful and multiply and
(11:57):
fill the waters of the seas and let birds multiply on the earth so that was
the end of the fifth day then god said let the earth bring forth the living
creature according to its kind cattle and creeping thing and beast of the earth
each according to its kind And it was so. So I don't really.
Cattle. Cattle. Broad descriptions of all animal life. Kind of.
(12:20):
Done. And yeah. Deathly. Done.
Specifically cattle. Yes. Specifically cattle. They didn't have cattle.
They were the. Yeah. That's what kept everyone fed. And God made the beast of
the earth according to its kind.
Cattle according to its kind. And everything that creeps on the earth according
to its kind. And God saw. Cattle.
(12:41):
That it was good.
He fucking loves his own work, hey? No. It's like you bragging about the mullet
a second ago. No, because I think I did great.
Oh, you would use a better word. That was way better than I thought it was ever going to be.
He's just like, that's good. You're giving him credit for being a little understated.
No, I'm saying like he's just generally not very impressed.
(13:03):
Imagine if Luke did something as amazing as creating crawling creatures.
Yeah, creatures of the earth. Imagine the mung things that you would invent.
All right. So that got us- No, I'd make things easy. My plan would be to make
things as simple as humanly possible.
Three types of animals. For all humans. Food.
Cuddles? Nah. No, it would be, there would be an infinite amount of plant life,
(13:26):
but none of them- That's not simple. But like the cane toad that just makes
shit suck doesn't exist.
But like no animal causes a problem. They're just interesting.
I'll just make that work. You- you, Captain Wetbeard, would not make one annoying shit animal.
Oh, 100%. The concept of being annoyed at the animal would exist.
(13:48):
You know you would. Anyway, all right. But it doesn't kill them.
All right, so animals are there now. Animals, birds, fish, cattle, specifically cattle.
Then God said, let us... It sounds so nice. It's such a nice paper.
Then God said, let us make man in our image according to our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
(14:10):
over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.
That's why we think we own everything. That line right there.
Sorry, what was the part that made it about us owning it? Because I zoned out
for a second, I guess. Okay.
So God's made the animals and the fish. Then he goes, let us make men in our
image. I was unsure what the our thing, by the way. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(14:31):
So he's having a chat among his other gods or something.
That was odd to me. But let us make men in our image according to our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the et cetera, et cetera.
So we just, they are there for us and they only exist for us.
Maybe we should send a letter to Gideon and ask them about the us.
(14:53):
What does that refer to? We should keep track of it. Is that a typo? Questions.
I'm a bit confused. Like, is this a typo part or I just don't.
Yeah. Well, it is. They'll probably just go, this is all interpreted from Latin or whatever.
It's just what it says, mate. You just read it out what it is.
Maybe he means us as in he hasn't built the humans yet.
We haven't got to the trinity yet. It's just him created the,
(15:14):
and he's saying us and out. Yeah, it was thrown.
Maybe because he's everything or whatever. Maybe it's just like he's also the plants and the animals.
But then who has the dominion? Then who has the dominion? How do you get that
he's the plants and the animals? I'm making up some wank to make it make sense in my head.
So have dominion over them, creeps in there. So God created man in his own image.
(15:34):
In the image of God He created him.
Male and female He created them.
It sort of then goes into hell. I don't know. I guess he's summarizing here
because Adam and Eve come up soon. But I guess that's summarizing what he's
doing. So he's in the planning phase?
No, he's made them. He just made them. But they're not called Adam and Eve.
No. Well, it elaborates on that, I guess.
But it's like a, that's foreshadowing maybe of the next story.
(15:58):
Then God blessed them. And God said to them, be fruitful and multiply.
Fill the earth and subdue it.
Have dominion. I forgot my voice. And that would have been the perfect time
to have my voice in there.
Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it.
Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
(16:21):
and over every living thing that moves on this earth.
That literally gives you permission to do whatever you want.
Entitled as fuck. That literally is like, you just, yeah, it's yours.
If you want it, it's yours. Yeah, but don't eat that one. So, yeah, cool.
Well, he hasn't got to that part. No, we haven't got there yet.
At the moment, he's actually giving pure freedom. Yeah. He's not restricting anything.
(16:43):
Correct. We have to go multiply. He's not going to multiply politely.
Just do it. Just populate.
You own those birds. Yeah, you got it. Just make it happen.
Coercion. Just make it happen. There's many forms of things.
But you could be a warlord, and you just get a billion, and you just do whatever you want.
My point is, there's no nuance to that mission. It's just very blunt. All right.
(17:09):
Then God said, see, I have given you every herb that yields seed over the face of the earth.
And it sort of then reiterates all the shit that he invented.
He's like bragging about what he also the very beast of the earth, very bird of the air.
Everything that creeps the earth in which there is life. I have given every green herb for food.
(17:30):
It's just the same shit over and over and over. I'm assuming he,
maybe we should say she, but.
That he is just the easiest. Because he doesn't have anything going on.
True. The concept literally doesn't exist yet.
Yeah. Yeah. Good point. I think ours is the worst. Oh, I guess there's animals.
Yeah. Off topic. And it was so. Then God saw everything that he had made,
and indeed, it was very good.
(17:52):
So in the evening and the morning were the sixth day, chapter one done.
So that's the entire, so one page and a quarter explains the invention of everything in the Bible.
Yeah. But I figure it genuinely covers it all.
You reckon? can it called it like what about
what about black holes sorry it no yes but
(18:13):
no no but that's out of
our dominion but now we're just getting into like okay we're
we're in like the science fiction future this is just where like figure and
oh no i understand that so but this is an all-being all-knowing thing correct
need to tell us about that though like black holes are out of our dominion he's
like need to know basis but the so the stars i think i think when he says i've created light,
(18:38):
that is essentially the universe to me. So that's what that would be.
Everything outside of Earth, that's what the light is. You? Is essentially that.
Luke could be a preacher. He's already interpreting.
He's a preacher. Well, I'm the captain. You're the captain. I'm going to dominate.
Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. And Kevin's not adding to this at all.
(18:58):
So, motherfucking. Kevin's quite deep.
So, I think similar to how it's like, I don't know. The water existing before
everything is probably the dumbest part.
Okay. personally the fact that well because like he's
hovering he has to hover over something because
otherwise he's just the whole universe he is the universe yeah before that but
(19:19):
they've added water for no reason that so that part okay is a bit weird and
then light that's the only weird thing you'll get no that's the weirdest part
okay genuinely because he created everything but there's already water yeah
that i think yeah yeah but space i think the light is just that space and And then it's dirt.
The stuff that humans can see from the dirt. Yeah. I don't get it.
He added light three times.
(19:41):
He created light the first time. Then he created light for the heavens.
And then he created the two great lights. The big great lights.
Yeah. He did multiple lights.
Well, you light pretty good though. It's pretty important.
No, no, but they're all stars. The part that's a bit weird to me is that it doesn't,
the part to me that makes it be like, well, this is just wanky poetry intro
crap is if I was writing how awesome God's
(20:03):
creation was it would be he created the two great lights the sun warmth and
such that helps the plants grow the moon.
Brings the tides you know the things that
it mostly you're critiquing the actual yeah that
you're you're they should be selling this is the part that i think should be expanded
(20:24):
on well yeah you're saying a page and a fucking half whatever it's correct but
i think they cover they cover space existing they cover dirt water already existed
we've covered they cover dirt they cover plants they cover animals they cover
humans that is everything so like they just done They glossed over it, but he's not.
They created the monk. You were like, the cattle, the bug. What do you want
(20:47):
him to do? Live the whale?
You're sort of going to enjoy later where Adam gets to just name all the animals.
Well, the part I'm looking forward to is when they list the names of humans.
It's like Lord of the Rings. How far are we in? Does that tell us how far? Bottom, middle.
So we're 21. All right. So I think that's one chapter. Let's move on.
(21:09):
I think we can definitely get through chapter two. Can we take a break?
Because I could do a backyard piss.
The captain says it true. So we go for a pee break.
Music.
We've finished chapter one. The Earth's invented, or the universe has invented.
Yous have gone for a cool slash.
(21:29):
Now we're going to move on to, I don't even know what's in chapter two,
but we're just going to find out.
Oh, no, this is sort of the epilogue of Invention of the Earth,
because we only got to day six.
So chapter two is about day seven, I think.
Music.
Oh, chapter two of Genesis.
(21:53):
Creation of the universe. Thus, the heavens and earth and all of the host of them were finished.
And on the seventh day, God ended his work, which he had done.
And he rested on the seventh day from all his work, which he had done.
I like to say repetitive stuff. My issue there is what's the concept of him resting?
(22:17):
Like, what does that mean? He doesn't need to rest. That's just a way to go and treat.
He earned it. But he doesn't. He just fucking invented the time and fatigue
don't exist to him. They.
Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it because in it he rest.
Hang on. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it,
(22:39):
because in it he rested from all his work which God had created and made.
That just makes no fucking sense at all.
This is the history of the heavens and the earth when they were created in the
day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens.
Just a fucking loop-de-loop of saying- It's saying that stuff in the first,
(22:59):
well, page and a half, that was the creation of the universe, and that's it.
We're moving on. It's just recovering. Yeah. It's like just, yeah. Stop.
Don't even dot points. It's just saying that was what you read before.
That was creation of the universe. And he's just sitting back,
resting, just going, yeah, I did it. I made it. It was done.
And I do it, and it was great. And I'm the lord of the heavens. It was done.
(23:19):
And it was good. Once again, I should do a voice when I'm reading any part of
it. Nah, it's okay. Yeah.
Well, how do you know when I'm just talking versus, okay, ready?
I'm reading again. Quote. I'll say quote.
I won't say that. Unquote. Get fucked. Quote.
Before any plant of the field was in the earth and before any herb of the field had grown, full stop.
(23:47):
For the lord god had not caused a statement a
statement yes yeah that has happened for the lord god
had not caused it to rain on the earth and there was
no man to till the ground they said the seasons existed and they said male and
female existed yeah so how does how does rain like yeah i don't know snow nah
i don't know see this is what i'm talking about plants exist there has to be
(24:07):
weather whether the concept whether it's season he's made the concept maybe
yeah like So it's just like,
it's just like, well, water exists.
So it's something that requires water.
We're overthinking it. Is it salt water? Because it's the ocean. We're overthinking it.
But you see where I'm going with this. Hey, it's a fucking mindfuck.
(24:29):
It wasn't very descriptive of how it was done.
But they're also telling us information they don't need. Like,
all they had to do was, everything was built.
And now I'm going to tell the story of the first humans. Move on.
Yeah. Like, we've already covered all of the creation we need.
I know there are plants. I know there are animals. I know there's light. I know there's a moon.
(24:50):
We're done. Time to get on to the stories. i knew captain
wetman would be fucking right into this
shit all right so he just said it
hasn't rained and there's no man to till the ground quote but
a mist went up from the earth and watered down the
whole face of the ground and the lord god
formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed
(25:11):
into his nostrils the breath of life and man
became a living being that's the rainbow serpent that's
just fucking do you know what i mean like it's it's a
thing just washing over and just solve it like it
just feels mystical to me it does the mist
rose up and yeah and that's not how the science
works it's like it's a story of like
(25:33):
a thing that someone's to say like that's like you could describe that to
say in the mount that's why the mountain exists in
this local area but this is global yeah
this is like universal you're not
just australia you're getting so you are a preacher
preacher you should cut this part out you're not captain anymore you're
i feel uncomfortable the lord god planted a garden eastward in eden here we
(25:57):
go we're getting straight into the garden of eden that's what i wanted to get
and there he put the man whom he had formed and out of the ground the lord god
made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food.
The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge
of good and evil. Oh, boom.
(26:18):
Yeah. So, yeah, okay. Now a river went out of Eden to water the garden.
So I don't know what went out. Anyway.
And from there, it parted and became four river heads.
The name of the first is Pishon, and the name of the- Yeah, whatever.
Skirts the whole land, and there's gold in one, and there's some onyx stone in some other one.
(26:43):
The name of the second river is Gihon, which goes around the whole land of Kush,
which is a cool name for it. Yeah.
Like cushion, Kush. This is what I'm getting at. Like the rainbow serpent thing that I was saying,
which is kind of like when i was in new zealand it'd be on a bus ride
and they're like this is how this mountain was formed if i
was in the location where this happened
(27:03):
and it was a story that had been passed down someone's like
that's what this river but this is meaningless to
me descriptively it's like lord of the rings when they go into too much detail
it's a it's a story book yeah back in the day they just this is how this stuff
happened and it was gone yeah and i I would genuinely find it awesome as fuck
if a story had been passed down from whenever this was written to now about
(27:27):
those, but what are those rivers?
And if I saw them, if they exist, then someone could tell me.
I'm sure they are. It's just meaningless babble. Yeah.
So the second river is Cush. Yeah. The name of the third river is Hittikal,
which goes east to Assyria.
The fourth is the Euphrates.
That's a real, I know. Is it real? I don't know. Then the Lord God.
(27:49):
I don't know if it's just, I don't know, because I don't know geography.
I'm actually pretty dumb.
But I know that word. He sounded as confident about that as he was about hairdressing.
Yeah, and then I got there. And you nailed it. Yeah, you nailed it.
The Euphrates, whatever. Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden
of Eden to tend and keep it.
And the Lord God commanded the man, saying.
(28:13):
Every tree of the garden you may
freely eat but the tree of knowledge
of good and evil you shall not eat
for in the day that you eat it uh eat of it you shall surely die so he's the
only dude that he's invented he's about to he's happy just to move and he also
is that the magical fruit that like the apple it turns up ends up being but
(28:35):
they don't die when they eat it good point he lied He went back on his word straight away.
So he's pussed out. He didn't go, I'm going to start again.
You two failed. Yeah, because it only took me seven days. He promised a death.
I could make another one of you. He promised death.
And then he's just like, no, actually, I just meant you're kicked out of this little area.
Well, we'll get there. We'll learn exactly what he does. But you're right.
(28:55):
He doesn't murder them. I'm basing this entirely on that Simpsons episode that
they tell where Homer is.
And then Homer gets flicked out. So I assume banishment.
And I know they have children and shit. No wonder humans kept going along crazy
paths, because their first punishment from their parents was inconsistent.
Didn't fly through. I'm going to kill you.
Just get out of the garden. Yeah, the naughty boy.
(29:16):
He would have handed out a participation trophy, I reckon.
He would have got it. He's so woke. When they first procreated,
he would have been like, mate, good effort.
Even if the kids shit, even if they can't parent, they would go,
you know what? But you get, I finished becoming a parent certificate is what
God hands them. Because he's a little bitch.
(29:37):
He doesn't know how to control them yet.
But he's still in the freedom phase. He tried to be tough, but he's still in the freedom.
Like, I want you to just dominion. He hasn't come up to the controlling.
Which I assume. Eventually they do their dash. Pretty soon he's going to overcompensate.
Because eventually, by the way.
Yeah. Yeah. So we get there too. We get there.
(29:59):
And yeah he kills the animals not just the humans quote most of them no where the fuck am i quote,
where am i you just fuck me you may freely eat but the tree of knowledge you
can't eat and you will surely die right i'm caught up and the lord god said
it is not good that a man should be alone i will make him a helper,
(30:21):
helper before the concept
of a woman existing helper is the
term that is genius a helper comparable
to him comparable yeah but he definitely said oh that is so much worse than
i could possibly have imagined not even close i've gone home to my to my wife
(30:44):
who's just that's That's a genuinely indefensible as a concept of like the thing
you worship the most on earth.
Fucking hell. But maybe that's just Gideon. Maybe that's just Gideon's interpretation.
All Gideon has done is they've just given the Bible out and...
This is not Gideon they just deliver it,
(31:07):
that's so fucking bad that is genuinely awful hold that thought,
it gets way fucking worse we haven't gotten to child murder or whatever if you
have that reaction every time this is going to last forever,
we've already gone a bit too far anyway quote.
Out of the ground the Lord God formed every so he's just said I'm going to make
(31:30):
a helper and then he got distracted So he goes,
out of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird
of the- Which he already created, I feel like. And brought them to Adam.
Country music got it right. The first helper is the dog.
Country music. Keep the dog out of the way. Yeah, it's a cow.
Yeah, so the helper was the animals first.
(31:52):
Women were below the animal. Oh my, ew. It's the basket words.
Sorry, and he said comparable, and then brought up the animals.
I guess maybe it means mammals.
Maybe it's actually scientifically very accurate. Well, hold that thought because
we'll find out. Because I agree.
I thought the helper was the woman. But you're right. They start talking about, so out of the ground.
And that's my new interpreter. And I think it's true.
(32:14):
If I was a preacher, that's the direction I would go. Which also doesn't go well for women at all.
Quote, out of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast
of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what
he would call them yeah and whatever adam called each living creature that was
its name so adam unnecessary detail the pressure so the pressure so he's like i would be like.
(32:50):
And and also just like i don't know i think that's where i was going with it Just dumb.
Another one? Fucking hell. How many of these do you have?
So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field.
But for Adam, there was not found a helper comparable to him.
(33:13):
So, yeah. He tried but failed to make the helper. He didn't just think I added titties. My dog.
Not going to help me good enough. That cow. No good.
Sorry. Now that it's called a dog, And now that it's called a cow,
because I just called it.
Yeah. The other part is, this is the point where, again, if I'm preaching,
I'm saying, if I'm teaching people this book and I've read this book,
(33:38):
and I'm telling them it's the truth,
I'm telling them when this happened, there were very few birds and animals on
earth. There were just such a small amount.
Yeah. And then evolution did happen. Over the last 6,000 years.
Because the concept of Adam naming, and also, there's no way we've kept the same names.
(34:00):
No. Because the kiwi bird was not named by Adam. No. Impossible.
It's just factually impossible.
Yeah. So you have to say evolution's real.
Even if it's not human. So this is your creationist world. If I'm selling this book, I'm saying.
So they had robins and they had. Humans. Hawks. Didn't evolve.
(34:24):
There was an owl for sure.
Humans did not evolve. I'm sorry. Yeah. Humans. if
you take this literally currently humans didn't
evolve they just started off as a human and it was just one
dude named adam that he hadn't figured out how
to make a buddy for he tried animals birds in fact
birds he thought were quite comparable to adam but he hadn't
(34:44):
figured out women yet we've got we've got birds and cattle
or whatever the fuck but we haven't got women the way you said tried animals
that you tried oh mate is that when bestiality exists because procreation exists
presumably because unless we're on day three currently no no we're on day seven
we've got to be day seven but he went so he moved on from built so all right
(35:08):
procreation exists he's fucking relax preacher relax i'm
preaching where you are maybe i should be the pre no i'm captain yeah no you're
the preacher no i'm the captain preacher where it just doesn't work i was on
the or maybe it's worse where am i adam gave names to all the cattle birds of
the air and to every beast of the field but for there was no help of comparable
and the The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam. Proof,
(35:29):
like fucking Cosby style.
Not for sexual pleasure, I don't think. And he slept. And he took one of his
ribs and closed up the flesh in its place.
Then the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, he made into a woman and
he brought her to the man.
Nonsense. That is, he already can magic anything into existence.
(35:52):
Yeah. Why does he have to do surgery?
And how does a woman come from a bone? Or whatever the fuck it really is.
I'm sure on day three or four it said he made men. Yeah, yeah.
So they exist. They're invented. But he didn't finish the job,
maybe. They exist conceptually.
And he just hadn't. Like, he'd drawn the plans up. So he's already worked it out for the animals.
(36:15):
Yeah. So he's figuring out how to make them procreate. But he just hasn't worked
out the idea of the human version.
The main animal. Yeah, that's his whole purpose The one who's supposed to run
the whole show He's just meant to figure out how they're going to fuck It's
just meant to be a dude repeated many times Is the answer It was just meant
to be Adam He didn't need a single one But he shouldn't have to,
(36:37):
Do anything though He needs a buddy or a partner,
Helper was the word. Not a buddy. Below our buddy, yeah.
So deep sleep, and he brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my...
That's the voice I teach of Adam. You did well, I think. This is now bone of
(37:01):
my bones and flesh of my flesh.
She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.
I'm embarrassed right now. I've gone red.
She was taken out of man therefore a man
a man shall leave his father
and mother and be joined to his wife and so he's riffing right now by the way
(37:24):
also marriage just got created just then yeah on the fly and and and there hasn't
been a mother or father yet he's just like she also doesn't get to choose to
be married to him because she's just a helper and that's what a wife is yeah
yeah so So, yeah, no mothers,
no fathers, no marriage, but he just was like, mother-father marriage, job done.
But I've got to remember, hang on. And he was, therefore, a man shall leave his mother-father.
(37:49):
He got more than easily. And be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
It doesn't end. Oh, no. I was doing the voice for not his speaking part.
Quote. Quote. Quote. And they were both naked.
And just as a final thing, this is the last line of the chapter.
And they were both naked, the man and the wife, and were not ashamed.
(38:11):
That's the closing of that chapter.
Genuinely, the most awesome part of the whole thing so far. Just getting around.
They're just naked. And went out of their way to say not ashamed.
Genuinely, top shit. You should be, but they weren't. Yeah.
No, no. I don't even see it in play. It's just they were naked,
but not ashamed. But the concept of shame doesn't exist.
But that's a key. That's foreshadowing because that's a critical part to his
(38:35):
rage coming up. That's like they.
So God's created a human that is naked.
He could have created furry motherfuckers. Like you should have so much bush. Big muff.
That unless you're erect, your penis is invisible.
Visible he could have like he could have created things
to prevent our shame being exposed this
(38:56):
is an incompetent god i would be we've got the mcdonald going he's going from
defending and and and sort of solving how he would be french now he's just straight
back you know god's he's getting competent but he is incompetent he could have
just made the bush so big that it held your,
(39:16):
We didn't need clothing if he just provided us with the skin and weather conditions
that made us not need clothing.
I like how your solvers just cover it with hair. You could make it internal
and come out with some shit on. I don't want to sheave. Fucking hair.
He's in the freedom phase now. If I figured out a way to rip out my pubes so
(39:37):
I can expose it, and he would be okay with that.
Do we want to take a break? We can do that. Thank you.
Oh, give us a bush, give us a bush.
And we're going to move, we've just completed chapter three.
(39:57):
They were naked and they were not ashamed.
So everyone's happy we're up to it. We're going to start chapter three now.
God back in. God back in. God.
Return. Start. Resume. Resume. God mode resume. All right. Quote.
Now, oh, we're going to talk about serpents. I like serpents.
You were talking about serpents.
No, I wasn't. Now, the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field,
(40:22):
which the Lord God had made. Why does everyone hate snakes?
Snakes are evil. Slytherin. Slytherin on the ground. All Slytherin,
evil. Yeah, Slytherin. Yeah.
And which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, has God indeed said?
Oh, so this is the serpent talking.
Sorry. I missed that. Snake. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
(40:45):
Has God indeed said you shall not eat of every tree in the garden? Starscream?
Starscream. Yeah. And the woman said to the serpent, we may eat the fruit of
the trees of the garden. So they're only meant to eat meat.
(41:07):
We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden. They can't eat the fruit.
They can't. All except for the main tree. Oh, okay. Well, that's actually pretty fair.
Well, it's rude. Like, why can't you eat that one? If you'd stop interrupting me.
But of the fruit of the tree, which is in the midst of the garden,
(41:27):
God has said, you shall not eat it. Because she was going to God.
You shall not eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nor shall you touch it, lest you die.
Doubling down on you die. So she's fully aware. Death is doubled up. She is fully aware.
Yeah. Then the serpent said to the woman, you will not surely die,
(41:50):
for God knows that in the day you eat of it, your eyes will be opened and you
will be like God, knowing good and evil.
So he's dead set being a cunning. Almost. Sorry.
Manipulating. We should eat the fruit because we should know what,
like, so God's got, God punishes them for, he doesn't want them to even know
(42:10):
the concept of right and wrong. He just wants them to obey.
Doesn't want them to do any of that, any of that fun stuff. And we already know
his concept of good is pretty average.
So far. Yeah. Yeah. If you eat some fruit, you die. No, no, no.
So I don't think it's average.
So far it's, it's the ability to build a universe. It gets worse. Yeah. So, okay. Okay.
(42:34):
For knowing good and evil. So when the woman saw that the tree was good for
food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise,
she took of its fruit and ate.
Oh, she didn't fuck around. No, she just drank it. I thought this would be like
a slow corruption of some. No, just immediate.
(42:56):
It's the weakness of women is what it's demonstrating.
And all the convincingness of the talking snake that just exists.
It doesn't give, God gave the snake the ability to talk.
Can all snakes talk? Can all animals talk at this point? I don't know what the
rules are. Shouldn't God have had a purpose for this? Maybe this was meant to happen.
Well, did he create the sneaky snake?
(43:17):
And also, I think a snake has the right animals to choose, by the way.
Like you pointed out before, he's bad at creating things because he's created
this woman that in one day is just like, yeah.
I'm not supposed to eat the fruit. And so the snake goes, yeah,
it's cool. Cool. Okay. Oh, okay.
No worries. The talking snake, which that also implies it's very normal that
it's a talking snake. Yeah, that must be.
And I want to say, I would personally, if I was writing a cool fantasy novel
(43:42):
and I had to choose an animal to be a treacherous one that tricks you,
I would choose a snake, which makes it less believable that it was a snake.
Like, why wasn't it a trusting cow? A lovable cow.
Oh, you're going to eat me a bit late. I reckon you should eat that apple.
Yes why you've chosen the stereotype evil animal
(44:05):
yeah or are we just basing it because that's what the
original one i think that snakes because they're slithery and stealthy that
i know why someone would have chosen it and it's still
relevant today and that's why this is fantasy work that's why
yeah all right quote that's my
shut up luke and it was a good time
but my point was good yeah and so so
(44:25):
yeah she took of the fruit and ate she also gave to
her husband with her and he ate oh so
he just he just went along and it's like hey hey i want to redecorate the kitchen
okay that snake over there told me to add some fruit and i did so here have
some fruit i made dinner okay good helper she helped him maybe he hasn't he
(44:47):
was too complacent because of the help he hasn't made dinner in that long he
doesn't know what the fruit looks like he's like eat this Okay.
Then the eyes of both of them were, quote, then the eyes of both of them were
opened and they knew that they were naked.
And they- They knew they were naked before and they were unashamed,
but now they know they're naked. Now they know they're naked.
(45:07):
Oh, because they're evil.
Exactly. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves covering.
So, you know, the photos that- The leaves or whatever. The photos that we have of Adam and Eve.
The white Adam and Eve that were definitely just white. The images of Adam and
Eve with the fig leaves. So that's that.
Yeah. Instead of the big bush, that would have done the same job.
Again, which God had control of. And God, who knowingly put the concept of evil
(45:32):
in the fruit, and then when you eat it, the first evil thing you notice is your
nakedness, which God gave you and didn't provide you natural protection from.
So you just discover, what they've discovered is their bodies are evil.
Yes. That's, oh. And so you've, to this day. It's so bad.
But the next thing, he's created them and said, go forth and multiply.
(45:54):
But the original sin is sex and they don't know about that until they've had
this fruit so how were they to multiply without the knowledge of this well maybe
they just fucked just like because it's like it was just like sin until they
although they were told to go for before go forth before
eve was built we were the everything was told to go forth and multiply so that's
(46:15):
what caused multiplication you wouldn't have been able to go i'm going to do
an evil thing you would have just done the thing that you were supposed to do.
Is it only evil because of the knowledge you have? Now you know it's evil. Yeah.
And so they're ashamed of it now because they've been enlightened that there is evil and good now.
Which, if I was a preacher, I would be exploiting the concept of evil and I'd
(46:36):
be like, look, by evil, what they really mean is weird shit.
I'm going to get more and more brutal on that.
Made their coverings, and they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the
garden in the cool of the day.
Yeah. And Adam and his wife hid
themselves from the presence of the Lord among the trees of the garden.
(47:01):
Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, where are you?
Okay. Where are you? So he said, I heard your.
I'm over here. They're over there. No, he didn't say that. They were doing good. I'm over here, guys.
(47:24):
Where are you? And he said, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid.
Oh, no, this is Adam. Sorry.
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked.
And I hid myself. And he said.
And he said. Who told you that you were naked?
(47:46):
Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?
No. Then the man said, he doled straight. The woman.
Oh, shit. She doesn't even have a name. Does she have a name? No.
The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.
(48:08):
And the Lord God said to the woman, what is this?
You have done and the woman said I forget her voice now the serpent.
Deceived me and I ate so the Lord God said to the serpent because you have done
this you are cursed more than all cattle and more than every beast of the field
(48:30):
on your belly you shall go and you shall eat dust all the days of your life fuck that would be awful,
I'd rather go to hell than eat dust and then he rants on a bit more,
And I'll put enmity between you and the woman. Enmity? Enmity? E-M.
N-E-N. Enmity. E-N. Anyway.
(48:53):
And I'll put enmity between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed.
He shall bruise your head and you shall bruise his heel.
I have no fucking idea what that is. Is this genuinely talking about creating eggs and sperm?
Yeah, I think so. That's the vibe I got. because he's talking about seed and it's separation.
So it's like to procreate. This is the creation of the concept of procreation.
(49:16):
Yeah, right. And the bruising sounds violent.
It's like fucking you found each other in a physical way.
That's the way I'm reading it. Yeah, so bruise her and bruise his heel.
That's some poor lovemaking. That's some Jared Hayne lovemaking right there. Then hold.
Then he says, I was ignoring you. It was good. You missed out. I'll listen back later.
(49:42):
To the woman, he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception.
In pain, you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband,
and he shall rule over you.
So hang on. Every time a woman ever complains about labor, it's your own fault
(50:03):
for eating that fruit. Eating that fucking fruit.
Exactly right. What was the plan before that?
Genuinely. What was the procreation technique?
That's my biggest thing. Because as it, again, as like a just spinning a yarn
to explain why childbirth is so horrific.
Yeah, cool. Whatever. Oh, I heard that's how they decided to explain.
Yeah, like they brought, like you said, they introduced the concept of shame.
(50:27):
Now it's like then you've eaten the fruit you should be
shameful of that and that's why specifically you
feel that because it is brutal and you
can only imagine what how brutal it would have been back in the day but also
that's how they chose to explain why it happened but also remember evil he didn't
murder him he was supposed to he was supposed to murder him great yeah but in
the end it was just used as an excuse to explain why childbirth is horrific
(50:51):
yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. Because she's a shit. Your fault.
Not your fault specifically, but because of your kind or whatever.
What about all the other animals that do the same thing?
What do they do wrong together? Who did what? All the other animals.
Oh, yeah, yeah. The ones that have to die to give birth and shit.
That one covered on day two, mate.
We've moved past that. They don't know it's special. We've got dominion over
(51:12):
them. Their shit doesn't matter. That counts.
But also, we all breed the same way, but our version was built after their version,
or whatever day we're on now.
Yeah. But so the techniques all existed already. The concept of both sides existed already.
It wasn't until Eve ate the fruit that the humans got that same biological thing going on.
Once again, I wasn't listening at all. All right.
(51:35):
Then to Adam, he said, because you have heeded the voice of your wife and have
eaten from the fruit of the tree, which I command you, saying,
so he's quoting himself now, you shall not eat of it.
Cursed is the ground for your sake. In toil you shall eat of it all the days
of your life. So now he's just saying, you don't get the garden anymore that
(51:57):
just makes fruit for you.
You're going to have to get out in the field and dig. I've gone back on murder or death penalty.
Woman is in pain to punch at kids and you just got to dig in the dirt.
Both of you just in the dirt.
Yeah. And he also said earlier on that the earth didn't have plants because we weren't sowing it.
And then he gave us a garden to eat in. But he didn't have to sow the seeds there.
(52:18):
At this point, sorry, he's built the universe.
But earth is actually- We're going back to page one. Earth is just a barren
wasteland except the Garden of Eden? I guess so. I think so, yeah.
Okay. Oh, that's okay. And then it's our job. Job's not done.
It's our job now. It's now Adam's job to go and build all the cool stuff. Get out of it.
(52:43):
All right. Bring forth. Okay.
Curse is the ground for your shake. All it does is your life.
Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, and you shall eat the
herb of the field, sweat in your face, blah, blah. So he's just.
You're going to eat pointy plants.
He's just making the world for him. Total shit. The dust you are,
(53:05):
and to dust you shall return, he says.
And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.
No, that doesn't make any sense.
Also, for Adam and his wife, the Lord God made tunics of skin and clothed them.
Because now, you know, so they're not ashamed. So now they've got some cow skin.
When they were naked before, they were different naked. No, they were naked,
(53:26):
but now they're ashamed.
So he's clothing them. So humans never actually figured out how to make clothing.
God just went, there's your clothes, but also at the same time,
now you're banished. Yeah.
Here's a nice set of threads. Fuck. You know now being naked is evil,
and that's how I made you.
But now that I'm banishing you, you get clothes that I've made for you that will last forever.
(53:51):
Oh, and this is pretty telling. So now, then the Lord God said,
Behold, the man who has become like one of us to know good and evil,
and now lest he put out his hand and take for the tree of life and eat and live forever. Ever.
So I think he's sort of saying now, men are now gods, essentially,
(54:12):
because they know evil and good.
And so that gives us a little bit more power again.
But physically and magically, nothing changes. Zero. Yeah, exactly.
We can't create a universe.
We just know good and evil. We just know the concept of evil,
which so far is established as just being nudity.
Which, to be honest, that's pretty powerful, isn't it?
And is disobedience evil? And how did we know to eat the fruit due to disobedience
(54:36):
before we knew what evil was? But it's not evil unless you know it's evil.
So we didn't know it was evil. It's all just fucking dumb. Yep. Now it's evil.
So, become like one of us, etc. Therefore, the Lord God sent him out of the
garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken.
So, he drove out the man and placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden
(54:57):
and a flaming sword, which turned every way to guard the way to the tree of
life. So, he just made a sword.
Is cherubim like cherubs? Like those naked babies with wings that shoot cherubim?
Yeah, maybe. Maybe, maybe.
Yeah. Like the winged. He's placed monsters to guard it. And like,
if you go there, we're going to fuck you. I'm not going to Google it.
(55:18):
I reckon you're right. Cherubim. I reckon. Because it sounds like,
it sounds like a guarding. That fits. Yep. Cherubim. And the flaming sword was pretty great too.
That's a big, flaming sword, naked babies with wings.
Is that what a cherub is? I don't know. Anyway, I'll tell you.
Yeah. And so that's, that's Adam and Eve. Weak. So that was chapter three.
So I reckon we wrap it up. but coming up next,
(55:41):
time is where they start fucking and they save some kids and then the kids are
fucking cunts and anyway so that's chapter four so we'll have to catch up and
yeah learn a bit more about Adam and Eve's fucked up kids who there's,
murder involved so that's where we're at so a plot fucking giveaway yeah well
well we watched The Simpsons and I actually don't think that part was in The
(56:03):
Simpsons no it was so it's amazing the can and the apple thing yeah is it can
and the apple Yes. Yeah. But then there's more later.
They're returning characters. They're recurring characters. God isn't a complete fuck to them.
So anyway, that's what we've got to look forward to. Thank you, Preacher.
The Captain. Thanks, Kevin. God out.
(56:27):
Before he arrived, waters already flowed. A six-day turnaround.
Music.
Light glowed and glowed and glowed.
Eve, a helper, a bit better than cattle.
(56:47):
Adam named all the animals, she didn't matter.
The serpent spoke, deviant and conniving. Eve listened, Adam too,
and God gave them a rinsing.
(57:09):
God, a bad parent, didn't know what to do.
A promise of death, but couldn't come through.
If I gave them just a massive bush, I wouldn't have to.
(57:30):
Music.
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