June 22, 2024 • 67 mins
Hey there! Buckle up for an epic ride as we dive into the hilarious and jaw-dropping adventures of Abram (now Abraham) and his crew. From wild side missions to sneaky attacks, this episode has it all! We'll even witness some divine name changes and, yep, some rather unexpected baby-making drama. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. So grab your favorite snack and get ready to laugh, gasp, and maybe even cringe a little. Let's get biblical, my friend!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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The Brothers Grail acknowledges the Bindal and Wulgurukaba people of North Queensland
and the Wurundjeri people of Melbourne, the traditional owners of the land we record on today.
We pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
We also recognise that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders have been custodians
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of the land, rivers and seas for at least 65,000 years and were the first storytellers.
Brothers, Brothers, Brothers Grail.
Music.
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Beginning of a chat that we can kick off with. So this is the very first Quindol Reekab.
In chapters 12, 13 and 14, our hero Abram moved out of home at the ripe old
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age of 75 with his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all of his slaves and other stuff.
They trekked west to the land of Canaan, which God had promised to give him.
Then the team went on a side mission. They went to Egypt, where Abram forced
his wife Sarai to pretend to be his sister so that they wouldn't kill him,
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but they would presumably just rape Sarai a little bit.
When the Pharaoh found out, he said, piss off Abram, and Abram did.
They all headed back up to Canaan, which is current Israel.
But Abram realized that he and Lot were both so rich and had so many animals
and slaves that they couldn't be in the same area together. So Lot headed east.
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Unfortunately, poor Lot ended up in the middle of a war between nine kings and
was kidnapped by King Cheteloma, the winning king.
When Abram found out, he was pissed.
So he got 318 of his servants, chased down and fucked up chetiloma by cleverly
devising a sneak attack.
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He retrieved Lot, Lot's goods and people, and all is good again.
I hand over to you the Brothers Grail.
So, Brothers Grail, we've witnessed the war of Cheteloma and Abram's fucking
somehow warlord boss with his fucking slater. The Battle of Nine Kings.
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The Battle of Nine Kings.
I thought it was four. No, four versus five. Correct.
Five is not. That's what it was, that. And I think, I'm not going back,
but I think the four won, I think.
Then they lost initially, and then Abraham beat five kings.
Abram. Abram. Fuck it.
Everyone's name up, by the way. I think I'm pretty lucky that they do not go
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into too much detail, because I'm obviously not picking everything that they asked me.
You're just not paying attention at all, cunt. All right. We're going to do
chapter 15 now. Now, I thought I'd prepped, but I haven't. And so I'm just going to go.
By the way, if I have to turn this into the next episode, I'll just fucking do it.
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I think double. This is double. I'm going to pee while you read.
All right. Kevin's through the runner. He doesn't listen anyway.
He's the one that was. He knew how many kings there were. Yeah,
he's probably the better one to listen.
I'll listen proper this time. While he's gone, you're in charge of listening. Chapter 15. thing.
Chapter 15.
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Music.
After these things, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision,
saying, Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.
But Abram said, Lord God, what will you give me?
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Seeing I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliza of Damascus.
Sorry, stop. I feel like whoever needs to hear this. What? Sorry,
just a quick stop. Yeah. His wife is barren? Yes.
Good prostitute skill to have, to be honest.
And, well, genuinely, that's probably how he's able to, maybe that's how God
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blessed them, by giving him a barren woman.
So when you say good prostitute, what do you mean by that? Can't have kids.
You can't get knocked out. So
he just gets a banger, but that's not a good thing. There's no downtime.
There's no bang, bang. No risk. and he doesn't have to worry about her taking
on another, he doesn't have to raise another man's kid.
But that wasn't the only thing. Now I fucking forget what I was going to say
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because I got a bit too excited. I enjoyed that God was like, I'm your gift.
Yeah, I'm your gift. He's not humble, right? I'm the gift.
Is that the first time it is explained how God communicated to someone?
Because he said, appeared to him in a vision.
It could be. Because it's in their heart last time.
Yeah. oh but what the fuck does that mean i
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mean that's like oh what's to stop someone declaring
war winning because history goes
to the victor agreed and just saying i was blessed by god so that's everyone
who said i heard it in my heart yeah they've declared it because they were the
victory that's literally the joke i was going to make a minute ago about tay
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tay and the and the super Both of those dressing rooms were going,
God's on our side. Fucking both of them were.
Do the little. Mm-hmm. All right. Abram said, blah, blah, blah.
Then Abram said, look, you have given me no offspring.
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Indeed, one born in my house is my heir.
And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, this one shall not be your heir,
but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.
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Then he brought him outside and said, look now toward heaven and count the stars. Thank you, Kevin.
By the way, that was a gold. That's where, yeah, that's the sound of heaven opening up right there.
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And count the stars if you are able to number them.
And he said to him, so shall your descendants be.
So he's like, fucking the amount of stars, that's how much banging.
Even though your wife cannot punch out one kid, you're going to have billions.
And there wasn't light pollution back then either. So there would have been
a fuckload of stars. Yes, agreed.
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And he believed in the Lord and he accounted it to him for righteousness.
So he took a new wife. Well, I thought instead of telling him to look at heaven,
I thought he was going to be like, and here is your new help.
Then he said to him, I am the Lord who brought you out of Ur and of the Chaldeans
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to give you this land and inherit it.
And he said, Lord, Lord God, how shall I know that I will inherit it? He's a whingy cunno.
So he said to him bring me
a three-year-old heifer and a three-year-old female
goat and a three-year-old ram a turtle dove and a and a young pigeon he's doing
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some alchemy he's mixing all these
animals and yeah helper demanding meat sacrifice he loves his meat he does.
Young pigeon dove have to do with fucking breeding or
whatever like i'd be so angry if i was abram i would
be a whiny bitch if that's the kind of response i got from god
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god's like i'm
gonna bless you with some shit and then he gives me and obviously
to abram making a billion babies is very important
god's like nah you get a barren woman and you're just
gonna walk through some desert or whatever nah I would be the one is more children
than there are stars now eventually he didn't know that before of course he
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was gonna be whinging and now and now if I'm him I'm like what you fucking want
me to go catch a bird how the fuck do I catch a bird,
He's got slaves. He's got servants. But again, pirate rules,
he didn't give him a timeline.
So he might have one kid every year. Yeah. Forever. You know,
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the descendants will take.
But it could take a billion years, but he will have that meaning.
Yeah. All right. All right. The other thing is, Abram will just get his helpers
to catch the animals, right?
Yeah, 100%. Yeah, 100%. He's not lifting the flag. He's a whingy fucking cunt that stays in his tent.
So, all right. I need a dove.
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Is that a dove? I don't know. Yeah. There was a pigeon.
There was a turtle dove and a pigeon.
Then he brought. Is that why you put a turtle dove on a Christmas tree?
Just specifically for Abram baby making skills? Maybe.
Just to let him bang. I don't know. Then he brought all these to him and cut
them in two. down the middle What the fuck?
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And placed Don't say to cut him He didn't say, no, there's no instructions Just
assume God wanted blood Is it just like chopping up animals?
Remember after the arc the first fucking thing that they'll just know God wanted
blood It goes back to fucking Cain and Abel,
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I forgot about that Why not piss some fruit? Oh my god, that was fucking loose.
He likes the animals. No one's going to bring him fruit ever again.
Don't bring him a pumpkin. He'll get fucked.
Yeah. And God doesn't eat it. He just wants... I think it's because he likes
animals to die. That's a really good point.
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There's been nothing said that he's eaten any of his shit. Yeah.
He's just gone. He doesn't exist physically.
Well, no. Get fucked. He was walking. No, no, no.
He was walking in the Garden of Eden. he just watches from a distance wanking
while they cut the animals up and he's like.
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Sexual pleasure necro bestophiliac or whatever and a turtle and a turtle and
a turtle love and a pigeon they'll kill them cut cut it in two he doesn't have
sex with them just wanks from a distance Throw a bush,
Throw some fig leaves Throw a bush Fuck,
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You know A three year old being very close It's gotta be a three year old It's
gotta be a three year old going It's too old, take it back.
Did animals Did animals have the long Life that the humans had Oh no,
surely not Do you reckon like They weren't given the earth Earth, it's ours.
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They all got eaten. Plus, God was continuously demanding more of them.
Maybe they were meant to live longer, but he just kept getting them hacked up. Cut perfectly in half.
Yeah, none of them could possibly live. When it said cut in half,
did it say down? What's the point in half?
Was it down the middle? Why didn't it say half? What did it say?
Hang on, hang on. You ready?
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Then he brought all these to him and cut them in two, down the middle and placed
each piece opposite each other, but he did not cut the birds in two.
Oh, well, he fucking failed. But also, when you cut them in half,
is it like- Yes, in the middle.
Yeah, yeah, in the middle. Yeah, that's got to be center-ish.
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Head in half, not in the gut.
I'm thinking breastplate, center of the- Yeah, yeah, all right.
Center of the breastplate. Down the spine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm imagining.
What if the spine goes too much on one side?
Does that still count? Are you worried about them having- What's that spine
curvature where it goes?
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Is that what you're thinking? No, I'm just thinking, like, does God punish him
if he doesn't split the spine? You've got to nail it. Exactly.
God can't be that much of a cunt. And this is where I'd be aware of. Abram's blessed.
He's just going to nail this. Yeah, Abram's got the skills.
If I was Abram, I'd be having all this anxiety, like, fuck.
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How do I cut him? Like, what's the best way to cut? No, get fucked.
Is there a sacrificial dagger?
He's the only one right now in the Bible talking to God, really, out of everyone.
Yeah. He's got – and he's whinging at God. We're going to hear him – he's going
to be insufferable in a minute. Hang on.
I think I'm pro-Abram. I hate Abram. He's a cunt.
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He's such a whinging fucking cunt. Hang on. Hey, Captain. Let's do some Bible.
I think God's the one that's not doing his job, and Abram has every right to
whinge at his shit god not doing a good enough job at explaining things. So both of them are cuts.
Incompetence. So he cuts him down in the middle, but he did not cut the birds in two.
And when the vultures came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.
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Now, when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram,
and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him.
Then he said to Abram, Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers
in a land that is not theirs.
I thought he just gave him this land, by the way. Forever. He said,
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This land is yours forever.
It was like, I'm just gabbing you, bro. And now they're going to be strangers. Just gabbing you.
So hang on, hang on, hang on. yep right now this war right
it's gone that's done oh whatever yeah
again but they're like we've got this land
it was promised to us but they're supposed to be strangers to
this land by their own book yeah aren't they owning the land not yet shouldn't
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they be a stranger to it shouldn't god just give it says forever yeah so shouldn't
they be a stranger to it so whoever Whoever owns a land isn't God's people.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Whoever's there right now. By that exact test?
Yeah. Am I reading that wrong? Whoever is there now gets fucked up the ass.
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Yeah, so it's going to be a stranger to you forever means whoever's there can't be God's people.
Not theirs. It says something in a minute. Hang on. Let me keep going.
Your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs and will serve
them. They will afflict them for 400 years.
All right. And also the nation whom they serve, I will judge afterward.
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They shall come out with great possessions.
So after 400 years, they get all sorts of cool shit.
So deal with it for 400 years and then take it and it's yours.
Yeah. But that's gone now. That's in our past.
That might be. Does Abram get to see that? Is Abram going to live to be 475?
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I don't fucking know, Lukey. Don't tell me to go ahead in the book.
We've established the shortening lifespans. Yeah.
I feel like 400 is about where we're peaking out at the moment.
Don't bully me, cunt. You will get there, all right?
I'm Abram and you're God, and I'm going to whine all I fucking want.
You can whine as much as you want. I feel like this is going to be Moses taking it back.
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Moses is a different story. Stop jumping ahead.
Don't worry about fucking Moses. I have too much Bible knowledge and not enough
parents to know when it happened. And not enough simultaneously.
Same as me, by the way, because I know Moses is coming at some point. All right.
And he takes Flynn back. We'll get there.
By the way- Which, again, all of my knowledge of the Bible comes from The Simpsons.
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Is Moses the one that gets shoved in a basket that goes down a river?
Colin's showing me the book, and we are, I reckon-
Maybe a 20th oh shit if that so we got we got lots of shit but there's lots
of water to fucking go under this bridge yet so i'll shut up yeah shut the fuck
up can't stop trying to jump ahead,
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and also the nation whom they will serve i will judge afterward they will they
shall come out with great possessions now as now as for you you shall go to
be your father fuck i'm gonna start there Now, as for you,
you shall go to your fathers in peace.
You shall be buried at a good old age. So Abram is going to grow old.
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Hopefully to 475 so he can get the reward.
Oh, yeah. He's got to get past the 400, doesn't he? Why do they give a fuck about reward?
Like a good old age used to be 1,000.
Well, it did. That's a good old age. But the captain's pointing out that after
400 years, they get good possession.
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So Abrams got at least last in that bit.
But why would they care about real worldly? 75?
It was 75 when he left Harren.
Why would they care about real worldly gifts when they just get eternal cool anyway?
Because they're greedy cats. Have they said about heaven and- Nah.
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That was the- What was the words in the start? That was the- Oh, shit.
Firmament? Firmament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the firmament way back in the start.
And the only other thing I've heard is- You live there if you live right.
We've heard about cherubs too.
And the only kind of hell related stuff we've had is the sevenfold bullshit.
Yeah? No, that was- That wasn't hell.
Yeah. If you kill the man who killed someone, you will die sevenfold.
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Yeah, he's going to torture- That doesn't- Yeah, it has to be eternal trouble
though, right? All right. Relax, Captain.
No. Fuck you. Look, at least- Interesting. Captain! This is fucking more us
and our fight. It's dead.
It's longer and exciting than the King War that we read through.
It's gone longer. That's for sure. Quote. Quote.
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Not quote because I'm just reading normal bit. And it came to pass that the
sun went down and it was dark.
Behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between those pieces.
I think the pieces were the things that were cut in half because we've talked
shit for quite a while. So, they were the bits that were on fire.
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It was admittedly a really stupid thing to happen. Yes, it was.
On the same day, the Lord made a covenant with Abram saying, to your descendants,
I have given this land from the river of,
thank you kevin to your
descendants i have given this land from
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the river of egypt to the great river the river euphrates the canaanites and
kebab all these his rights and pyrrhozoites so he's just he's given abram all
that motherfucking land because god can do that That end of chapter 15.
What a fucking bullshit. Discuss. What the fuck does given land to some cunt
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mean when you're a god? You know what I mean? Ridiculous.
No one recognizes the land unless you can defend it.
So if you said God gave it to me, they're going to be like, get fucked.
Here's a spear. Here I come. Here's a spear right in your brain.
Yeah, definitely a good justification for endless war, probably. I would imagine.
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So, I'm going to move on.
Music.
Shout out to a good cop. End quote. Quote.
Now, Sarai, Abram's wife, had bought him no children, and she had an Egyptian
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maidservant whose name was Hagar.
Hagar or Hagar? That's a manly name. Any opinion? I'm thinking of the old comic
book strip Hagar, but any opinions?
Yeah, I think Hagar.
I think Terra was a dude and should have been called Hagar and Hagar should
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have been called Terra. That would have been what I would say.
Yeah, it doesn't really flow, does it? But we're just going to say,
we're just saying Hagar.
So Sarai said to Abram, see now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please.
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Go into my maid. Perhaps I shall obtain children by her.
Did I say that clearly enough? She said, go fuck the maid and make babies. A hundred. Yep.
So maybe, is she also a cuck? They've got like a double cuck relationship going on. They do.
And Abram heeded the voice of Sarai because who the fuck would have, you know?
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It is important to him to make babies, obviously. Like, separate from the toxic,
patriarchal dude who has to spread his seed element, obviously making babies
is very important to him.
Well, he's got to live up to God. God wants him to make as many as the stars. That's all God wanted.
It's obviously important to him, and so she's helping him, as a helper should,
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by providing him that, by offering her a maid. Offering a different virginity.
Exactly. That's the most helpful helper yet. You reckon it's normal?
Do you reckon it was common back then for, like, because there's obviously,
like, then a hierarchy of helpers or women where she's also,
like, it's not like maid. Helpers or women.
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It's not like the maid. Like, the maid is now just being offered up.
The maid is, like, fucking his wife is not doing a good. His wife is basically
sex trafficking right now.
Yeah, like Ghislaine Maxwell. Ghislaine Maxwell? Anyway.
Then Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar, her maid, the Egyptian,
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and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.
And Abram had dwelt 10 years in the land of Canaan. To be his wife?
Yeah, so he's like, I guess. I think it's possible. I don't know.
Did they get legit married?
Is that saying anyone you're banging is your wife? I guess so. You cannot.
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So, fuck. Well, otherwise God would have to drown us all again. True.
Yeah, we can't have that. So it's okay to bang other people, but they are your wife.
As long as your wife says you can bang the other.
Your wife has to name them as your wife. And they've got to have a pretty brutal
name. But you can have two wives.
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You can have probably 10. I don't even know.
Women can't have multiple husbands is the key part. You can have at least.
Yes, true. No, women can do that. So, he went into Hagar.
Like coming to a place? He went into Hagar to sample the cuisine.
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You know, I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago when I was listening to some other ones back.
There's no talk of sexual pleasure.
Yeah. They know them well. They went into his euphemisms.
Every time. It's just more job.
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Yeah, it's pretty. We want you to multiply but not enjoy it.
Just go into. Yeah, it's like a dog.
The other thing is... Yeah, like dogs just getting paired up or, yeah.
Yeah. The other part to it is, and it's all just repeating the same,
it's misogynistic, is that women literally have one role.
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So far in the Bible, it hasn't even mentioned women as, like, raising the children.
We're bronze workers, we're harpers.
All they do is make babies.
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Or, in Abram's wife's case, provide another woman to make the baby.
Provide another vagina and another uterus.
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Yeah. And kind of similar to how you were talking earlier, Colin,
or Quindog, about how you'd get people to just, if you believe this shit, to justify it.
Is just like man like
women are just not good
not seen as human genuine how
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is a woman can you sit here and go this
is correct yeah i am just here to breathe yeah well that's why they like the
hardcore religious women are just pumping out babies then soraya said to abram
my wrong be upon Upon you I gave my maid into your embrace,
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and when she saw that I had conceived,
I became despised in her eyes, the Lord judge between you and me.
So God hates the polygamy. So, well, I don't know yet. But didn't God promise him a billion babies?
He's providing what the God wanted. So Abram said to Sarai, indeed,
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indeed, your maid is in your hand.
Do to her as you please. And when, so, okay, so he banged the maid.
Then Sarai got the shits. and Abram's like, all right, Sarai,
you fucked that maid up, right?
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And it says, so Abram said, do to her as you please.
And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from her presence.
So Sarai's logging the fuck out of her, right? Well, I misunderstood. So Sarai was the one.
Yeah, Sarai is a fucking bitch. So far, yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah. We're assuming that Sarai was like, you do this.
Well, she gave the maid, Hagar.
Who wrote the book. Oh, good point.
Very good point, Kevin. It sounded very much like she caught him.
Can I fuck that chick? Can I fuck that chick? Can I just bang that chick?
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And Sarai was like, fuck it. You have to.
Not thinking like you're
gonna have kids i'll be overdone whatever
kevin the fucking kevin the feminist over here sorry i reckon i was having pissing
thoughts new chick was just making a bit more noise i reckon and rye was just
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like he's having too good a time and so she thought I thought it would just
be like a baby-making mission,
but the other chick's like squealing.
Yeah. And so, like, I reckon Abram and the new chick got a bit of a sexual connection
going on, and so I got jealous of that.
That's my theory. Good. And so, now, the angel of the Lord found her by a spring
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of water in the wilderness by the spring on the way to Shur.
I don't know where that is yet. And he said.
The angel of the Lord said to her, return to your mistress and submit yourself under her hand.
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Sarai is whoring out Hagar to the husband.
Get back in there. And then Sarai's like, man, I didn't want you to fucking
actually get pregnant. I hate you now.
And so I'm going to flog you. And then she ran away.
Way and then an angel of the lord by the way but who heard that bit nothing
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better to do just waiting to
be like get back in there my my question was have we had angels before yes,
no that's the first angel so like what the fuck are these mystical beings all
right what what the fuck is an angel just like tell me like if i'm reading the
bible as like a completely,
(29:29):
Yeah, yeah, if that's the first mention, they have not said any context.
They're just like, and an angel. They've told me as much about angels as they
have about the creation of water and how Cairo came to exist.
They didn't tell you about creation of water. That was already there.
It was already there. That's what I mean.
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Angels are there. Like, what the fuck is an angel? Quote. Quote. Quote.
I just want to tell you what I think the first quote of an angel is,
and I think this gives some context.
So we know that Hagar's running away, whatever, from being busted up by Sarai.
The angel of the Lord said to her, return to your mistress and submit to yourself under Anne.
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Then the angel of the Lord said to her, I will multiply your descendants exceedingly
so that they shall not be counted for multitude.
So the angel's like, yeah, you're pregnant to Abram and we love Abram and you're
going to bust out a kid who's going to be a king or some shit,
so I'm an angel, be a helper.
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And do your fucking job.
It's all about procreation. It's so fucking bleak. It is.
It doesn't matter how awful your life is, just keep pumping them out.
Pump them out because we own you. Quote, and the angel of the Lord said to her,
behold you are with child and you
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shall bear a son you shall call his
name ishmael because the lord has heard
your affliction affliction is because
you're pregnant and god will be happy with ishmael because
it's got the word male halfway through it you don't get to
name your kid and also he shall be a wild man
he'll be a nimrod well i think he might be a better he shall be a wild man and
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his hand shall be against every man and every man's hand against him he's gonna
be a cunt and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.
What does that mean?
Dwell in the presence he's gonna be a warlord he's gonna be a warlord but what
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does dwell in the presence mean?
He's gonna live amongst others, yeah? Yeah, pretty much. Just god shit,
I don't know, just Bible shit.
Just a wanky way of saying you get to just be about all your cool that you've done and conquer.
And you get to call cunts brethren even though you're just going to be a dominant cunt over all of them.
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Well, it's suggesting that if you're the top of the pile, if you're the leader
of the nation, they're all your seed because everything is about procreation.
Every single part of this is like god's rewards
are just like you get babies mate see those stars that's a
baby for you it's like it's all
about spreading your cool and that's all that fucking matters so because my
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whole point is is that i've heard that then i don't fucking listen the lineage
the lineage shit could just be like some wanker from the same community and
they're They're just like, he's the descendant.
But the lineage probably wasn't that of that.
I'm just bullshitting, but I have no respect for anything that's going on. Yeah, me too.
(33:01):
Genuinely, anyone who's reading it should not have respect for it,
to be perfectly honest. I think that so far that's what we've established.
Yeah, I would say this has been the most disgusting by far chapter, and it's not even close.
Oh, I guess he's done some sacrificing of animals for no reason.
(33:22):
And God chose it. Like, the angel is saying, nah, bitch, you need to go back and get abused.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so fucking dark.
What's her, like, she's a servant of a traveling group of wankers.
So what's she got outside of this group? What does she do day to day?
Like, does she wipe their assholes? Does she dig out the, like, what the fuck?
(33:47):
What is the servant doing in a nomadic group?
Could be feeding food. Dude, the slaves, in my best guesstimate,
she's just a fucking farmhand, but she was hot, and Abram's like, she's pretty tight.
I'll fucking give her a lashing.
(34:07):
And because Sarai is also his fucking slave, to some extent,
Sarai has to go, all right, Abram, you can give that lady a bit of sugar,
give her a seed, and then...
You know what I mean? I reckon Hagar, as a servant, she's just a farm hare.
(34:30):
She's milking the goats or she's, you know, planting some shit or she's picking
fruit or something. Well, make sure they're not planting stuff if they're travelling.
If they're travelling, they're not planting. I think we're at the start of farming
communities, but I don't know.
We're probably outside of our scope here, but anyway. Yeah, this is genuinely
(34:52):
the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
We're getting very caught up on who the slaves are.
The angel. That fucking god angel. Fucking god. And come out of nowhere,
all of a sudden they're like, slaves knocking people up.
What, there's an angel? Just tells her to go back. And that's all the angel's done?
(35:14):
Angel. They haven't interjected this whole fucking time. And then they go,
no, it's important you go back because God promised a star's worth of babies.
Get back there and open up. It's supposed to be moral shit. This is why black metal exists, I reckon.
Black metal is specifically to serve an instance of angels telling a woman to become a slave.
(35:41):
Yeah, fuck the women and they're all helpers. Quote.
He shall be a wild man his hands shall be against every man blah blah blah right,
Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her. You are the God who sees.
For she said, have I also here seen him who sees me? Hang on.
(36:06):
I don't know what that means. Called the name of the Lord who spoke to her.
To me says. Is it just God? There's a name for the Lord that spoke to her, not just the Lord.
Ham. Barry. Ham Porkins. Ham Porkins. ham
porkins should be the name of the win god from now
on is ham porkins god would be better if
(36:29):
he was ample i said i'm i said that is it
from now on so ham porkins was the truth that's
where the human race diverted from being good to evil was when we didn't choose
ham porkins but again early on we it sounded like they were talking about multiple
gods and again that wording sounds like multiple gods,
(36:53):
they spoke of the Lord with a certain name.
When they were writing down there like we'll keep our we haven't figured out
where we're going you really want to read don't you,
I'll stop I want to read this next bit and retrofit hand organs in there we
got six minutes left I think by the way then she called the name of the Lord
(37:16):
who spoke to her you are the hem porkins who sees.
For she said have i also seen him who sees me therefore the well was called
beelahai roy observe it'd be between kadesh but i don't know so okay i don't know the
(37:39):
fuck that means so hagar bore abram a
son and abram named his son
whom hagar bore ishmael abram was
86 years old when hagar bore ishmael to abram which by the way it just occurred
to me abram was 70 something during the war when he left habra fucking harran
(38:03):
so this is 13 years About 10, yeah, 13 years. You get the point.
So, all right, so that's interesting.
This is an introduction to an introduction.
Captain, we're up to chapter 17 because just before we've just learned that,
(38:29):
God spoke to Samkhanah and blah, blah, blah, right? I think we're up to chapter
17. I don't even know why. That was very descriptive. Thank you.
It's chapter 17.
It's a very good read. We've moved on now from Sarai being very mean.
(38:53):
It's chapter 17. When Abram was 99 years old, the Lord appeared to Abram and
said to him, I am almighty God, walk before me and be blameless.
So, fuck Hagar and fuck everyone else, you're blameless.
(39:15):
Well, it wasn't his fault he had to rape. Well, yeah, true.
He was just an innocent player in the raping, I think.
Is my opinion of abram he's my favorite character and i forgot to call god ham porkins hang on.
Blameless she was raped but he was blameless in the rape and despite his penetration
(39:38):
of her groin so she wasn't technically raped she just he's just blameless in
the rape he made love to her is what he did.
In God's eye, he made sweet. It was not a right sweet. God did his duty.
He multiplied.
(39:58):
She was unfortunately needed for this multiplication. She loved it.
Well, she was Abram's gift. Continue. Quote.
She was the gift. And I will and I will make my covenant between me and you.
(40:20):
And will multiply you exceedingly. So he's happy with Abram doing what he's doing.
Then Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him, saying,
As for me, behold, my covenant is with you, and you shall be a father of many nations.
No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham. Kevin.
(40:48):
Abraham. He was the original Kevin. He was the original Kevin.
I don't want to be Abram anymore. I want to be Abraham. I thought the original
Kevin was... He got the ham added to his name.
He's Abraham Hawkins.
(41:09):
Reinvigorated. I'm back in. All the anger's gone.
I've forgiven everything now in the Bible. I'm all in on him,
Porkins slash Abram. I'm back pro Abe.
I'm back pro Ham, Porkins, Abram combo.
Is God an excellent, and I'm not a psychologist enough to know the right terminology,
(41:36):
but has he gaslighted you enough or whatever the right word is where you hated, hated, hated,
and then all of a sudden he's just thrown a bone to Abram,
renamed him and then you love him you
love no because it's based on my
love of the word and rebranded what it's based on
which god didn't quite no longer
(41:58):
shall your name be called abram but your name shall be called
abraham before i have made you father
of many nations i will make you exceedingly fruitful i'll
make you nations i'll make nations like there's
some kind of transgender dead naming joke
that can be made here i don't know what that means about like god
just renaming him and that's his new name i feel like there's something you
(42:21):
could do with i don't know what gender name of that don't push against god's
will because that's how it works fuck god's no i'm yeah i'm gonna come captain
but i am i'm very angry captain.
I'll preach. I'll preach. Take three deep breaths, Captain. That's how it works. Don't worry.
(42:44):
Later in the year, the God might talk to someone called Bruno. Him?
And tell him a better way. Look, just wait.
It'll come out. Quote. It's taken me a lot of effort.
I'm fighting so hard against God as a heathen, and he's telling me, go rape bitches.
(43:04):
And I'm like, no, I can't rape bitches. but I'm a
heathen because I'm just not raping the bitches he wants
me to rape it doesn't matter as long as you I'm an awful human being that doesn't
rape bitches if you're moral sorry off topic if I start saying off topic will
you stop it's pretty on topic it's not off topic God is pro rape off topic.
(43:30):
Covenant blah blah blah everlasting descendants blah blah Also I give to you
and your descendants after you the land in which you are a stranger,
or the land of Canaan as an everlasting possession, and I will be their God.
And God said to Abraham, As for you, you shall keep my covenant,
(43:52):
you and your descendants, after you throughout their generations.
This is my covenant which you shall keep between me and you and your descendants after you.
Every male child among you shall be circumcised.
Sorry, I just want to point out. Is it not claimed he will be their God?
(44:15):
Like, it's still their choice.
I'll be your God, and you'll be sin. The covenant is also between Abraham.
Because I don't want a dead name. The covenant is between Abraham and his descendants.
Not between Abraham, the mother of the descendants, and the descendants.
(44:40):
The mother is not included in the covenant.
The mother slash helper slash rape victim.
Because, arms off, fuck God. At this point, fuck all this shit.
That is evil. And it's all evil and fuck God.
That's where I'm at. Captain, you're a fucking hateful cunt. What about the boys?
(45:04):
I am hateful. What about the boys?
You know the funny thing? I reckon I reckon I reckon 40 years ago 40?
Yeah I reckon 40 years ago is only That would have been a man's decision To rape?
To decide what's happening With a family Yeah.
(45:28):
It also probably was to rape mind you But I mean Mainly Family decisions are
a man's decision. Hopefully we're past all of that.
No, no, I'm not disagreeing. All I'm saying is 40 years ago exactly what we're saying,
as like a holy fuck, how could they say this moment would have been the norm.
(45:54):
You know I'm 40, you motherfucker?
Yeah, and when you were born old cunts roamed.
Fuck, the power of the dinosaur.
The power I could have wielded if I was a fucking man. 20 million years older.
Just hold up the covenant, mate. You've still got the power.
Just hold up the covenant. Your generation let us mend down,
(46:16):
and now we're all Abrahams.
I bonked my helper over the head. No, we're all Abrams instead of Abraham.
Abraham is when he eats. He was a Pokemon, right? He was a Pokemon. Fuck him now. And Abram.
He's a Charmander. We're all Charizards. And then it's like,
oh, you've got the power of sexual abuse.
(46:39):
And then he evolved into Abraham.
And now he can just dominate all the bitches he wants because he's an evil.
He forgot the move dominate and learned the move.
You evolved from the word dominate.
Go inside, and now it's rape all the bitches is the new move because you are
(47:04):
the fucking vilest, vilest tool of God.
I was going to say, he forgot dominate and learned accommodate.
That's what I would have thought. There's no accommodation. He's not about accommodation.
Abraham's not here to accommodate. He's here to absolutely rape.
(47:25):
I don't know. I got lost with it. Go. I got lost.
We're just talking about how Abraham's all about raping and that God's very much over raping. Yeah.
I like raping. Stop. I like all that shit too, but I'm more interested in circumcision.
Okay. Well, there you go. Start to an episode. I'm more interested in circumcision.
(47:47):
I'm a fan of circumcision.
Cutting the top of your dick is pretty exciting to me.
Quote, And you shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskins,
and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you.
How does that relate? The covenant between me and you is shown with a lack of foreskin.
(48:14):
But didn't Noah get all cranky that someone saw him and was fucking?
It was just the foreskin. He's like, you saw my dick.
No, naked babies, anyone can see them naked because we should all see naked babies. Not men.
Only women. Oh, that's true. Yeah, naked boys, everyone should touch them,
(48:36):
particularly in the groin area and particularly with a shower.
Where the fuck did this come from? Fuck it, Alan.
Captain. If it's a naked baby, we've got to get on. Hey, you just got yourself
on so many fucking lists right now.
Fucking captain. Oh, shit.
(48:58):
I don't always list. He's the one who should be. Well, you're not only one of
God's preachers, but you're a prophet.
And you just said every male child should be seen.
In the groin. In the groin. All right. Quote.
(49:19):
He who is eight days old among you shall be circumcised.
Every male child in your
generations he who is born in your
house or brought with money what yeah
if you own them with money from any foreigner who is not your dependent oh right
(49:40):
descend the other part sorry the other part i want to go back to there is within
eight days yeah so So let's go into modern medicine here with what modern medicine tells us,
we can do to keep a human alive.
Oh, you're getting very technical, Captain. Well, it- Dr. Captain,
(50:01):
I like that you've started the finger.
If a kid needs to be kept alive and- Sorry, am I reading it wrong?
Is he saying you need to chop off the foreskin within eight days?
They're saying the circumcision has to be within eight.
Yeah, if they've come out of the vagina in eight days, look
with no looking further into
this at all i can guarantee to you every circumcision we've dealt with in aging
(50:27):
now we're all very biased i'm assuming brothers grail because i'm very confident
i'm uncircumcised me too well we're sinners yeah we're fucked.
We got ugly dicks. But if you're hardcore following this book and your kid gets
(50:50):
born and gets put in emergency baby care. Emergency cut your dick off.
Yeah. You have to be like, nah, mate, I've got eight days.
Come on. Time's ticking. Eight days is a long time when you're a kid, though.
They would be saying that. That's a long time. I get your point,
but I guarantee they would be pushing for it to be ready.
(51:14):
My question is, why?
Yes. Why? Is that important? Yeah. Who cares about a fucking dick skin?
Yeah. Yeah. I find it to be. It's like, you know, like eight days is weird.
It's not even seven, like the magical number. It's the day after the day of
(51:36):
rest. All right. Anyway, quote.
Seven days to work on a dick. One day for rest.
Yeah, you got seven days. God can create the universe in seven days.
Dick takes eight. Captain, shut up.
No. Captain. No. Captain. God.
(51:59):
Hey, turn, brother. God putting a time limit on popping off dick skin is a sign
of God's lack of respect for,
Personal autonomy. I disagree. He gave him seven days of personal respect.
(52:20):
Cunts can chop a dick off for that. Guys, like, why fucking create a universe
in seven days? I would imagine most six-year-olds.
Sorry. Six-year-olds? You've jumped six years.
Sorry. Most eight-day-olds are ready to submit to having their dick cut out. No.
Is my opinion. I agree with you. You're right. Seven days for a universe.
(52:43):
Seven days for a dick. Yeah. And that baby... Anyway, quote.
I think God wins that particular debate.
You're pro-dick chopping? No, no, no. But if God can create the waters and the
humans and the whatever in eight days... It's your fault.
You got eight days to cut a dick off. That's it.
(53:05):
Yeah. It's your fault if you can't create a dick in eight days. It's all you got to do.
Captain. What if you... Captain. What if you've given birth to a baby? All you've got to do.
And all you've got is like a blunt stone. It's supposed to die.
Is it that hard? It either dies or it has its dick chopped. What do you want?
Yeah, I've made the rest of everything. Well, you're correct.
(53:28):
It's almost not as bad as poor Hagar's experience.
Hang on. Hang on. If a baby dies before it's christened, it goes to hell,
but you're worried about it losing its dick?
Skins. Not even the full dick. Just a little bit of dick skins.
It's just a bit of skin, brother. So, look, we don't care about them going to
(53:51):
hell for things out of their circumstance.
Yeah, we'd be right. Why do we care about their fucking skin?
And look, look, we've got a...
Get your back down. Alright, I'll stop adding to this.
Let's just read on because we're getting As your big brother,
(54:13):
Captain, I tell you to cease.
Cease. Cease. I refuse.
We don't come? Christians are fucking retarded. All right. Edit that shit out, son.
Go on. And the uncircumcised male child who is not circumcised in the flesh
(54:37):
of his foreskin, in, that person shall be cut off from his people.
He has- Oh, fucking hell. Why didn't we let it get that far before we went on our rant?
Oi. Seriously? Shut up. Seriously, though.
Why did God make us with a foreskin if it was a sin?
(54:57):
Because he's fucking shit. We need to learn. We need to learn.
He's like, here's a thing you're born with. You don't have the tools to get rid of it.
But unless you do, you know what's fucking useless is our earlobes.
Why aren't we cutting our earlobes off? They are fucking useless.
(55:18):
No, foreskins have a purpose, and they do quite a bit. It's a pretty object.
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Earlobes. What the fuck do your earlobes do, Captain?
I guarantee there's a reason. Will I do a fuckload less than my foreskin?
Yeah, so anyway, quote. Yeah.
Chopper lived without ears. Then
God said to Abraham, because he's Abraham now, as for Sarai, your wife.
(55:43):
Hang on. Let me say that again. again then god
said abraham as for sarai your wife you shall
not call her name sarai but sarah shall
be her name blasphemy i know
so he's just renamed abraham and sarai he's
just renamed quote when you
get called sarah are you just being called baron i don't know is sarah a bad
(56:08):
we should that should be our new bird is Sarah a bad name as long as Sarah is
but that's a no no no but it's a shit bible name because that was a shit cunt
no it's a rye it's a shit name Sarah
But she's still barring. No, Sarai's next. All right. Yeah, all right.
Sarai. You'll tell me why it's better.
So Sarai is awesome, but also Sarah, and I will bless her and also give you a son.
(56:35):
Then I will bless her. So fuck.
She just gets a son in the end. What's the point of this whole fucking story?
Get rewarded for being an abusive piece of shit.
What was the fucking point? Kevin is getting very aggressive right now,
and I'm feeling a little threatened. Sorry.
(56:57):
This is getting worse. I didn't think they could make it worse, but they did.
Then I will bless her, and she shall be the mother of nations,
king of peoples, that shall be from her. Wait, she will be the king?
I don't know. King is literally the wrong word.
It says, sorry, kings of peoples shall be from her.
(57:21):
Quote okay then abraham fell
on his face again he said that before he's fucking
like he's like a fucking uh what's it called when
you what's the word comedy slapstick he's a slapstick cunt he's uncoordinated
then i fell on his face and laughed and said in his heart shall a child be born
(57:42):
to a man who is 100 years old and shall sarah who is 90 years old bear a child.
And Abram said to God, oh, that Ishmael might live before you.
(58:08):
Then God said, No, Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac.
I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant with him for
an everlasting covenant. I read that twice.
And with his descendants after him. Continual.
(58:31):
And as for Ishmael, I have heard you. Behold, I have blessed him and will make
him fruitful and will multiply him exceedingly.
He shall beget twelve princes and I will make him a great nation.
But my covenant will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this set time next year.
(59:00):
What the fuck? Hang on. Is he essentially saying, you've got your bastard child,
and he's all right. Who's?
But I prefer Isaac, and I'm going to give him.
Ishmael's the first dude. Yep. Sorry. But I prefer, and I'm going to go with them more.
Am I? Is that it? Fuck.
(59:22):
But I will establish my covenant with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this time next year.
Yep. So he's like, you've gone out, you've banged your fucking Hagrid. Yeah. Goodness.
I like them, but I've decided after your torment, your barren wife is not barren.
(59:45):
And I could have fixed that, but I didn't. But he's a fucking kid and I like him more.
Kevin, you're on the money. Are you traveling over there, Captain? Preacher?
It's just dumb. All right. Quote. All of this shit is so fucking dumb.
Quote. And it's evil and it's shit. Quote.
(01:00:08):
You good? Quote. Then he finished talking with him and God went up to Abraham.
So immediately his name is Abraham. So this guy says, in the bush,
he's like, I'm not Abraham.
This was like something that they cut out so many things they could have put in the Bible.
I tried to change my nickname to Kramer when I was a kid, and no one took,
(01:00:33):
but Abraham made it stick.
But God did that.
The God that is pro-rape slash all those other things that he's pro,
he was on side with that no god wasn't
on side with kramer sorry mate this is exhausted i hate
kramer all right so ready this is just so circular then
(01:00:56):
sorry sorry this whole sarah fucking
renaming now suddenly she can give
birth it's just like this weird
extra layer on top of of the weird
rape shit it is you agree it was unnecessary
to go like they could have avoided it
by just not making her barren all they
(01:01:18):
had to do was just be like and then he gave birth to whichever kid god liked
but god wanted them to go down the weird detour of abuse and then go no And
the rape baby isn't good enough. The fucking...
The rape... Not shame in him taking the extra mistress.
(01:01:41):
No. It's in the Baron. And she felt like she had...
Attack the baron uh the mistress yeah and
rape baby goes to the side immediately it
is so fucking dark it
just gets worse it feels a lot like
depressing episode and again can we
(01:02:03):
tell some jokes god is the fucking joke for
being such a fucking demon yeah so let
me finish this quick chapter no no no seven years
god god can create a
planet god can do all these mystical things and then i'm supposed to think oh
he's changed someone's name what the fuck does that mean why does that matter
(01:02:29):
very good point hey bevan tell me that hey bevan i'm gonna call I'm going to call you Kevin.
I'm going to call you Kevin now, mate. Oh, I did that.
At the start of this fucking podcast, Colin changed my name.
Is he God? I think. No. Wow.
And he's also not a raper or someone who tells people to do a raper.
(01:02:50):
I appreciate the not raping bit, but maybe I am a God. Maybe.
I'll dispute the rest. I think. Why would you worship Quindog above God?
And that's not me being hyperbolic. All right, full stop. That's meeting James. End of podcast.
Pro-Quindog is my lord. I think that's where we're at. I think we've discovered.
(01:03:14):
Hang on. Finish what we're doing and call it.
I thought we were stopping in the Captain Gow and I could follow Quindog as a god.
I mean, let's branch from here. All right. And let's just go with Quindog the god.
Yeah, Quindog the god. So let's finish this chapter. So he finished my covenant,
(01:03:35):
went and finished talking with God, and went up to Abraham.
So Abraham took Ishmael, which was the shittaker, I think, and his son,
who were all born in his house, and all who were brought up with his money,
every male among the men of Abraham's house,
and circumcised the flesh of their foreskins that very day.
(01:03:58):
The very same day as God had said to him, Abraham was 99 years old when he was
circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
And Ishmael, his son, was 13 years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
That very same day, Abraham was circumcised, blah, blah, blah.
(01:04:19):
And all the men of his house, so he's grabbed all of his slaves and shit,
by the way, All the men of his house in the house were brought with money or
brought with money from a foreigner,
were circumcised with him.
The end. What a wonderful ending. So, hang on. Moral and legal.
(01:04:42):
You wouldn't trade with me? We cut dicks. Let me cut your dick skin.
Yeah. No, he owned them already. You know what his love of...
Didn't he say trade? It fits in with God's love of human animals.
Huh? God loves animals just being chopped the fuck up.
So why not cut off a bit of human skin? It's exactly what God wants,
Captain. What the fuck are you whinging about? He's all about blood.
(01:05:05):
I'm surprised they didn't want the penis cut in half. You know what I mean?
Yeah, right down the middle. That's a good point.
Chop that shit up. I am so angry. This is the dumbest shit. It tasted like it
had wings. It's not a turtle dove.
A turtle dove wouldn't be enough. You've got to craft the cock.
Turtle neck, more like dick skirt. So, all right. So let me try to think of
(01:05:28):
a new insightful question.
When God interjections. So very, very sorry there, Quinn God.
I've just got to jump in on you there.
You do, in fact, proceed to put some questions to the preacher and Kerbevan.
(01:05:51):
But what I'm saving everybody from right now is literally about 15 minutes of
drunken ramblings by the Brothers Grail.
So I'm going to cut this episode short to put everybody out of their misery.
But what I am about to do is let you know that we're going to be progressing
in the next episode with our new heroes, Abraham and Sarah,
(01:06:15):
obviously who have evolved from Abram and Sarai into Abraham and Sarah.
Now, in the next few chapters, we get to catch up with Lot again.
Now, you do not want to miss what happens with Lot. It's pretty mind-blowing.
For anyone who hasn't read the Bible,
I think you've got zero chance of guessing
(01:06:38):
seeing what happens with our little buddy lot it's fucking
amazing so on that note i'm gonna sign out this time from episode five from
the brothers grail on behalf of the brothers grail this is quingod on behalf
of the captain and the preacher and kabevan we are out of here bye.
The Brothers Grail acknowledges the Bindal and Wulgurukaba people of North Queensland
and the Wurundjeri people of Melbourne, the traditional owners of the land we record on today.
We pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.
We also recognise that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders have been custodians
(00:20):
of the land, rivers and seas for at least 65,000 years and were the first storytellers.
Brothers, Brothers, Brothers Grail.
Music.
(01:00):
Beginning of a chat that we can kick off with. So this is the very first Quindol Reekab.
In chapters 12, 13 and 14, our hero Abram moved out of home at the ripe old
(01:20):
age of 75 with his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all of his slaves and other stuff.
They trekked west to the land of Canaan, which God had promised to give him.
Then the team went on a side mission. They went to Egypt, where Abram forced
his wife Sarai to pretend to be his sister so that they wouldn't kill him,
(01:42):
but they would presumably just rape Sarai a little bit.
When the Pharaoh found out, he said, piss off Abram, and Abram did.
They all headed back up to Canaan, which is current Israel.
But Abram realized that he and Lot were both so rich and had so many animals
and slaves that they couldn't be in the same area together. So Lot headed east.
(02:05):
Unfortunately, poor Lot ended up in the middle of a war between nine kings and
was kidnapped by King Cheteloma, the winning king.
When Abram found out, he was pissed.
So he got 318 of his servants, chased down and fucked up chetiloma by cleverly
devising a sneak attack.
(02:27):
He retrieved Lot, Lot's goods and people, and all is good again.
I hand over to you the Brothers Grail.
So, Brothers Grail, we've witnessed the war of Cheteloma and Abram's fucking
somehow warlord boss with his fucking slater. The Battle of Nine Kings.
(02:48):
The Battle of Nine Kings.
I thought it was four. No, four versus five. Correct.
Five is not. That's what it was, that. And I think, I'm not going back,
but I think the four won, I think.
Then they lost initially, and then Abraham beat five kings.
Abram. Abram. Fuck it.
Everyone's name up, by the way. I think I'm pretty lucky that they do not go
(03:10):
into too much detail, because I'm obviously not picking everything that they asked me.
You're just not paying attention at all, cunt. All right. We're going to do
chapter 15 now. Now, I thought I'd prepped, but I haven't. And so I'm just going to go.
By the way, if I have to turn this into the next episode, I'll just fucking do it.
(03:32):
I think double. This is double. I'm going to pee while you read.
All right. Kevin's through the runner. He doesn't listen anyway.
He's the one that was. He knew how many kings there were. Yeah,
he's probably the better one to listen.
I'll listen proper this time. While he's gone, you're in charge of listening. Chapter 15. thing.
Chapter 15.
(03:52):
Music.
After these things, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision,
saying, Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.
But Abram said, Lord God, what will you give me?
(04:16):
Seeing I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliza of Damascus.
Sorry, stop. I feel like whoever needs to hear this. What? Sorry,
just a quick stop. Yeah. His wife is barren? Yes.
Good prostitute skill to have, to be honest.
And, well, genuinely, that's probably how he's able to, maybe that's how God
(04:40):
blessed them, by giving him a barren woman.
So when you say good prostitute, what do you mean by that? Can't have kids.
You can't get knocked out. So
he just gets a banger, but that's not a good thing. There's no downtime.
There's no bang, bang. No risk. and he doesn't have to worry about her taking
on another, he doesn't have to raise another man's kid.
But that wasn't the only thing. Now I fucking forget what I was going to say
(05:03):
because I got a bit too excited. I enjoyed that God was like, I'm your gift.
Yeah, I'm your gift. He's not humble, right? I'm the gift.
Is that the first time it is explained how God communicated to someone?
Because he said, appeared to him in a vision.
It could be. Because it's in their heart last time.
Yeah. oh but what the fuck does that mean i
(05:25):
mean that's like oh what's to stop someone declaring
war winning because history goes
to the victor agreed and just saying i was blessed by god so that's everyone
who said i heard it in my heart yeah they've declared it because they were the
victory that's literally the joke i was going to make a minute ago about tay
(05:46):
tay and the and the super Both of those dressing rooms were going,
God's on our side. Fucking both of them were.
Do the little. Mm-hmm. All right. Abram said, blah, blah, blah.
Then Abram said, look, you have given me no offspring.
(06:07):
Indeed, one born in my house is my heir.
And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, this one shall not be your heir,
but one who will come from your own body shall be your heir.
(06:28):
Then he brought him outside and said, look now toward heaven and count the stars. Thank you, Kevin.
By the way, that was a gold. That's where, yeah, that's the sound of heaven opening up right there.
(06:48):
And count the stars if you are able to number them.
And he said to him, so shall your descendants be.
So he's like, fucking the amount of stars, that's how much banging.
Even though your wife cannot punch out one kid, you're going to have billions.
And there wasn't light pollution back then either. So there would have been
a fuckload of stars. Yes, agreed.
(07:10):
And he believed in the Lord and he accounted it to him for righteousness.
So he took a new wife. Well, I thought instead of telling him to look at heaven,
I thought he was going to be like, and here is your new help.
Then he said to him, I am the Lord who brought you out of Ur and of the Chaldeans
(07:36):
to give you this land and inherit it.
And he said, Lord, Lord God, how shall I know that I will inherit it? He's a whingy cunno.
So he said to him bring me
a three-year-old heifer and a three-year-old female
goat and a three-year-old ram a turtle dove and a and a young pigeon he's doing
(08:01):
some alchemy he's mixing all these
animals and yeah helper demanding meat sacrifice he loves his meat he does.
Young pigeon dove have to do with fucking breeding or
whatever like i'd be so angry if i was abram i would
be a whiny bitch if that's the kind of response i got from god
(08:21):
god's like i'm
gonna bless you with some shit and then he gives me and obviously
to abram making a billion babies is very important
god's like nah you get a barren woman and you're just
gonna walk through some desert or whatever nah I would be the one is more children
than there are stars now eventually he didn't know that before of course he
(08:44):
was gonna be whinging and now and now if I'm him I'm like what you fucking want
me to go catch a bird how the fuck do I catch a bird,
He's got slaves. He's got servants. But again, pirate rules,
he didn't give him a timeline.
So he might have one kid every year. Yeah. Forever. You know,
(09:04):
the descendants will take.
But it could take a billion years, but he will have that meaning.
Yeah. All right. All right. The other thing is, Abram will just get his helpers
to catch the animals, right?
Yeah, 100%. Yeah, 100%. He's not lifting the flag. He's a whingy fucking cunt that stays in his tent.
So, all right. I need a dove.
(09:29):
Is that a dove? I don't know. Yeah. There was a pigeon.
There was a turtle dove and a pigeon.
Then he brought. Is that why you put a turtle dove on a Christmas tree?
Just specifically for Abram baby making skills? Maybe.
Just to let him bang. I don't know. Then he brought all these to him and cut
them in two. down the middle What the fuck?
(09:54):
And placed Don't say to cut him He didn't say, no, there's no instructions Just
assume God wanted blood Is it just like chopping up animals?
Remember after the arc the first fucking thing that they'll just know God wanted
blood It goes back to fucking Cain and Abel,
(10:17):
I forgot about that Why not piss some fruit? Oh my god, that was fucking loose.
He likes the animals. No one's going to bring him fruit ever again.
Don't bring him a pumpkin. He'll get fucked.
Yeah. And God doesn't eat it. He just wants... I think it's because he likes
animals to die. That's a really good point.
(10:37):
There's been nothing said that he's eaten any of his shit. Yeah.
He's just gone. He doesn't exist physically.
Well, no. Get fucked. He was walking. No, no, no.
He was walking in the Garden of Eden. he just watches from a distance wanking
while they cut the animals up and he's like.
(10:58):
Sexual pleasure necro bestophiliac or whatever and a turtle and a turtle and
a turtle love and a pigeon they'll kill them cut cut it in two he doesn't have
sex with them just wanks from a distance Throw a bush,
Throw some fig leaves Throw a bush Fuck,
(11:22):
You know A three year old being very close It's gotta be a three year old It's
gotta be a three year old going It's too old, take it back.
Did animals Did animals have the long Life that the humans had Oh no,
surely not Do you reckon like They weren't given the earth Earth, it's ours.
(11:43):
They all got eaten. Plus, God was continuously demanding more of them.
Maybe they were meant to live longer, but he just kept getting them hacked up. Cut perfectly in half.
Yeah, none of them could possibly live. When it said cut in half,
did it say down? What's the point in half?
Was it down the middle? Why didn't it say half? What did it say?
Hang on, hang on. You ready?
(12:05):
Then he brought all these to him and cut them in two, down the middle and placed
each piece opposite each other, but he did not cut the birds in two.
Oh, well, he fucking failed. But also, when you cut them in half,
is it like- Yes, in the middle.
Yeah, yeah, in the middle. Yeah, that's got to be center-ish.
(12:26):
Head in half, not in the gut.
I'm thinking breastplate, center of the- Yeah, yeah, all right.
Center of the breastplate. Down the spine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm imagining.
What if the spine goes too much on one side?
Does that still count? Are you worried about them having- What's that spine
curvature where it goes?
(12:49):
Is that what you're thinking? No, I'm just thinking, like, does God punish him
if he doesn't split the spine? You've got to nail it. Exactly.
God can't be that much of a cunt. And this is where I'd be aware of. Abram's blessed.
He's just going to nail this. Yeah, Abram's got the skills.
If I was Abram, I'd be having all this anxiety, like, fuck.
(13:11):
How do I cut him? Like, what's the best way to cut? No, get fucked.
Is there a sacrificial dagger?
He's the only one right now in the Bible talking to God, really, out of everyone.
Yeah. He's got – and he's whinging at God. We're going to hear him – he's going
to be insufferable in a minute. Hang on.
I think I'm pro-Abram. I hate Abram. He's a cunt.
(13:33):
He's such a whinging fucking cunt. Hang on. Hey, Captain. Let's do some Bible.
I think God's the one that's not doing his job, and Abram has every right to
whinge at his shit god not doing a good enough job at explaining things. So both of them are cuts.
Incompetence. So he cuts him down in the middle, but he did not cut the birds in two.
And when the vultures came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.
(13:58):
Now, when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram,
and behold, horror and great darkness fell upon him.
Then he said to Abram, Know certainly that your descendants will be strangers
in a land that is not theirs.
I thought he just gave him this land, by the way. Forever. He said,
(14:20):
This land is yours forever.
It was like, I'm just gabbing you, bro. And now they're going to be strangers. Just gabbing you.
So hang on, hang on, hang on. yep right now this war right
it's gone that's done oh whatever yeah
again but they're like we've got this land
it was promised to us but they're supposed to be strangers to
this land by their own book yeah aren't they owning the land not yet shouldn't
(14:45):
they be a stranger to it shouldn't god just give it says forever yeah so shouldn't
they be a stranger to it so whoever Whoever owns a land isn't God's people.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Whoever's there right now. By that exact test?
Yeah. Am I reading that wrong? Whoever is there now gets fucked up the ass.
(15:06):
Yeah, so it's going to be a stranger to you forever means whoever's there can't be God's people.
Not theirs. It says something in a minute. Hang on. Let me keep going.
Your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs and will serve
them. They will afflict them for 400 years.
All right. And also the nation whom they serve, I will judge afterward.
(15:30):
They shall come out with great possessions.
So after 400 years, they get all sorts of cool shit.
So deal with it for 400 years and then take it and it's yours.
Yeah. But that's gone now. That's in our past.
That might be. Does Abram get to see that? Is Abram going to live to be 475?
(15:51):
I don't fucking know, Lukey. Don't tell me to go ahead in the book.
We've established the shortening lifespans. Yeah.
I feel like 400 is about where we're peaking out at the moment.
Don't bully me, cunt. You will get there, all right?
I'm Abram and you're God, and I'm going to whine all I fucking want.
You can whine as much as you want. I feel like this is going to be Moses taking it back.
(16:15):
Moses is a different story. Stop jumping ahead.
Don't worry about fucking Moses. I have too much Bible knowledge and not enough
parents to know when it happened. And not enough simultaneously.
Same as me, by the way, because I know Moses is coming at some point. All right.
And he takes Flynn back. We'll get there.
By the way- Which, again, all of my knowledge of the Bible comes from The Simpsons.
(16:38):
Is Moses the one that gets shoved in a basket that goes down a river?
Colin's showing me the book, and we are, I reckon-
Maybe a 20th oh shit if that so we got we got lots of shit but there's lots
of water to fucking go under this bridge yet so i'll shut up yeah shut the fuck
up can't stop trying to jump ahead,
(17:00):
and also the nation whom they will serve i will judge afterward they will they
shall come out with great possessions now as now as for you you shall go to
be your father fuck i'm gonna start there Now, as for you,
you shall go to your fathers in peace.
You shall be buried at a good old age. So Abram is going to grow old.
(17:26):
Hopefully to 475 so he can get the reward.
Oh, yeah. He's got to get past the 400, doesn't he? Why do they give a fuck about reward?
Like a good old age used to be 1,000.
Well, it did. That's a good old age. But the captain's pointing out that after
400 years, they get good possession.
(17:46):
So Abrams got at least last in that bit.
But why would they care about real worldly? 75?
It was 75 when he left Harren.
Why would they care about real worldly gifts when they just get eternal cool anyway?
Because they're greedy cats. Have they said about heaven and- Nah.
(18:07):
That was the- What was the words in the start? That was the- Oh, shit.
Firmament? Firmament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the firmament way back in the start.
And the only other thing I've heard is- You live there if you live right.
We've heard about cherubs too.
And the only kind of hell related stuff we've had is the sevenfold bullshit.
Yeah? No, that was- That wasn't hell.
Yeah. If you kill the man who killed someone, you will die sevenfold.
(18:31):
Yeah, he's going to torture- That doesn't- Yeah, it has to be eternal trouble
though, right? All right. Relax, Captain.
No. Fuck you. Look, at least- Interesting. Captain! This is fucking more us
and our fight. It's dead.
It's longer and exciting than the King War that we read through.
It's gone longer. That's for sure. Quote. Quote.
(18:53):
Not quote because I'm just reading normal bit. And it came to pass that the
sun went down and it was dark.
Behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between those pieces.
I think the pieces were the things that were cut in half because we've talked
shit for quite a while. So, they were the bits that were on fire.
(19:13):
It was admittedly a really stupid thing to happen. Yes, it was.
On the same day, the Lord made a covenant with Abram saying, to your descendants,
I have given this land from the river of,
thank you kevin to your
descendants i have given this land from
(19:35):
the river of egypt to the great river the river euphrates the canaanites and
kebab all these his rights and pyrrhozoites so he's just he's given abram all
that motherfucking land because god can do that That end of chapter 15.
What a fucking bullshit. Discuss. What the fuck does given land to some cunt
(19:59):
mean when you're a god? You know what I mean? Ridiculous.
No one recognizes the land unless you can defend it.
So if you said God gave it to me, they're going to be like, get fucked.
Here's a spear. Here I come. Here's a spear right in your brain.
Yeah, definitely a good justification for endless war, probably. I would imagine.
(20:21):
So, I'm going to move on.
Music.
Shout out to a good cop. End quote. Quote.
Now, Sarai, Abram's wife, had bought him no children, and she had an Egyptian
(20:45):
maidservant whose name was Hagar.
Hagar or Hagar? That's a manly name. Any opinion? I'm thinking of the old comic
book strip Hagar, but any opinions?
Yeah, I think Hagar.
I think Terra was a dude and should have been called Hagar and Hagar should
(21:08):
have been called Terra. That would have been what I would say.
Yeah, it doesn't really flow, does it? But we're just going to say,
we're just saying Hagar.
So Sarai said to Abram, see now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please.
(21:28):
Go into my maid. Perhaps I shall obtain children by her.
Did I say that clearly enough? She said, go fuck the maid and make babies. A hundred. Yep.
So maybe, is she also a cuck? They've got like a double cuck relationship going on. They do.
And Abram heeded the voice of Sarai because who the fuck would have, you know?
(21:55):
It is important to him to make babies, obviously. Like, separate from the toxic,
patriarchal dude who has to spread his seed element, obviously making babies
is very important to him.
Well, he's got to live up to God. God wants him to make as many as the stars. That's all God wanted.
It's obviously important to him, and so she's helping him, as a helper should,
(22:20):
by providing him that, by offering her a maid. Offering a different virginity.
Exactly. That's the most helpful helper yet. You reckon it's normal?
Do you reckon it was common back then for, like, because there's obviously,
like, then a hierarchy of helpers or women where she's also,
like, it's not like maid. Helpers or women.
(22:44):
It's not like the maid. Like, the maid is now just being offered up.
The maid is, like, fucking his wife is not doing a good. His wife is basically
sex trafficking right now.
Yeah, like Ghislaine Maxwell. Ghislaine Maxwell? Anyway.
Then Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar, her maid, the Egyptian,
(23:08):
and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.
And Abram had dwelt 10 years in the land of Canaan. To be his wife?
Yeah, so he's like, I guess. I think it's possible. I don't know.
Did they get legit married?
Is that saying anyone you're banging is your wife? I guess so. You cannot.
(23:28):
So, fuck. Well, otherwise God would have to drown us all again. True.
Yeah, we can't have that. So it's okay to bang other people, but they are your wife.
As long as your wife says you can bang the other.
Your wife has to name them as your wife. And they've got to have a pretty brutal
name. But you can have two wives.
(23:49):
You can have probably 10. I don't even know.
Women can't have multiple husbands is the key part. You can have at least.
Yes, true. No, women can do that. So, he went into Hagar.
Like coming to a place? He went into Hagar to sample the cuisine.
(24:11):
You know, I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago when I was listening to some other ones back.
There's no talk of sexual pleasure.
Yeah. They know them well. They went into his euphemisms.
Every time. It's just more job.
(24:31):
Yeah, it's pretty. We want you to multiply but not enjoy it.
Just go into. Yeah, it's like a dog.
The other thing is... Yeah, like dogs just getting paired up or, yeah.
Yeah. The other part to it is, and it's all just repeating the same,
it's misogynistic, is that women literally have one role.
(24:55):
So far in the Bible, it hasn't even mentioned women as, like, raising the children.
We're bronze workers, we're harpers.
All they do is make babies.
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Or, in Abram's wife's case, provide another woman to make the baby.
Provide another vagina and another uterus.
(25:18):
Yeah. And kind of similar to how you were talking earlier, Colin,
or Quindog, about how you'd get people to just, if you believe this shit, to justify it.
Is just like man like
women are just not good
not seen as human genuine how
(25:39):
is a woman can you sit here and go this
is correct yeah i am just here to breathe yeah well that's why they like the
hardcore religious women are just pumping out babies then soraya said to abram
my wrong be upon Upon you I gave my maid into your embrace,
(26:01):
and when she saw that I had conceived,
I became despised in her eyes, the Lord judge between you and me.
So God hates the polygamy. So, well, I don't know yet. But didn't God promise him a billion babies?
He's providing what the God wanted. So Abram said to Sarai, indeed,
(26:23):
indeed, your maid is in your hand.
Do to her as you please. And when, so, okay, so he banged the maid.
Then Sarai got the shits. and Abram's like, all right, Sarai,
you fucked that maid up, right?
(26:45):
And it says, so Abram said, do to her as you please.
And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from her presence.
So Sarai's logging the fuck out of her, right? Well, I misunderstood. So Sarai was the one.
Yeah, Sarai is a fucking bitch. So far, yeah. Yeah.
(27:05):
Yeah. We're assuming that Sarai was like, you do this.
Well, she gave the maid, Hagar.
Who wrote the book. Oh, good point.
Very good point, Kevin. It sounded very much like she caught him.
Can I fuck that chick? Can I fuck that chick? Can I just bang that chick?
(27:28):
And Sarai was like, fuck it. You have to.
Not thinking like you're
gonna have kids i'll be overdone whatever
kevin the fucking kevin the feminist over here sorry i reckon i was having pissing
thoughts new chick was just making a bit more noise i reckon and rye was just
(27:50):
like he's having too good a time and so she thought I thought it would just
be like a baby-making mission,
but the other chick's like squealing.
Yeah. And so, like, I reckon Abram and the new chick got a bit of a sexual connection
going on, and so I got jealous of that.
That's my theory. Good. And so, now, the angel of the Lord found her by a spring
(28:16):
of water in the wilderness by the spring on the way to Shur.
I don't know where that is yet. And he said.
The angel of the Lord said to her, return to your mistress and submit yourself under her hand.
(28:45):
Sarai is whoring out Hagar to the husband.
Get back in there. And then Sarai's like, man, I didn't want you to fucking
actually get pregnant. I hate you now.
And so I'm going to flog you. And then she ran away.
Way and then an angel of the lord by the way but who heard that bit nothing
(29:07):
better to do just waiting to
be like get back in there my my question was have we had angels before yes,
no that's the first angel so like what the fuck are these mystical beings all
right what what the fuck is an angel just like tell me like if i'm reading the
bible as like a completely,
(29:29):
Yeah, yeah, if that's the first mention, they have not said any context.
They're just like, and an angel. They've told me as much about angels as they
have about the creation of water and how Cairo came to exist.
They didn't tell you about creation of water. That was already there.
It was already there. That's what I mean.
(29:49):
Angels are there. Like, what the fuck is an angel? Quote. Quote. Quote.
I just want to tell you what I think the first quote of an angel is,
and I think this gives some context.
So we know that Hagar's running away, whatever, from being busted up by Sarai.
The angel of the Lord said to her, return to your mistress and submit to yourself under Anne.
(30:16):
Then the angel of the Lord said to her, I will multiply your descendants exceedingly
so that they shall not be counted for multitude.
So the angel's like, yeah, you're pregnant to Abram and we love Abram and you're
going to bust out a kid who's going to be a king or some shit,
so I'm an angel, be a helper.
(30:39):
And do your fucking job.
It's all about procreation. It's so fucking bleak. It is.
It doesn't matter how awful your life is, just keep pumping them out.
Pump them out because we own you. Quote, and the angel of the Lord said to her,
behold you are with child and you
(31:02):
shall bear a son you shall call his
name ishmael because the lord has heard
your affliction affliction is because
you're pregnant and god will be happy with ishmael because
it's got the word male halfway through it you don't get to
name your kid and also he shall be a wild man
he'll be a nimrod well i think he might be a better he shall be a wild man and
(31:28):
his hand shall be against every man and every man's hand against him he's gonna
be a cunt and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.
What does that mean?
Dwell in the presence he's gonna be a warlord he's gonna be a warlord but what
(31:50):
does dwell in the presence mean?
He's gonna live amongst others, yeah? Yeah, pretty much. Just god shit,
I don't know, just Bible shit.
Just a wanky way of saying you get to just be about all your cool that you've done and conquer.
And you get to call cunts brethren even though you're just going to be a dominant cunt over all of them.
(32:12):
Well, it's suggesting that if you're the top of the pile, if you're the leader
of the nation, they're all your seed because everything is about procreation.
Every single part of this is like god's rewards
are just like you get babies mate see those stars that's a
baby for you it's like it's all
about spreading your cool and that's all that fucking matters so because my
(32:38):
whole point is is that i've heard that then i don't fucking listen the lineage
the lineage shit could just be like some wanker from the same community and
they're They're just like, he's the descendant.
But the lineage probably wasn't that of that.
I'm just bullshitting, but I have no respect for anything that's going on. Yeah, me too.
(33:01):
Genuinely, anyone who's reading it should not have respect for it,
to be perfectly honest. I think that so far that's what we've established.
Yeah, I would say this has been the most disgusting by far chapter, and it's not even close.
Oh, I guess he's done some sacrificing of animals for no reason.
(33:22):
And God chose it. Like, the angel is saying, nah, bitch, you need to go back and get abused.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so fucking dark.
What's her, like, she's a servant of a traveling group of wankers.
So what's she got outside of this group? What does she do day to day?
Like, does she wipe their assholes? Does she dig out the, like, what the fuck?
(33:47):
What is the servant doing in a nomadic group?
Could be feeding food. Dude, the slaves, in my best guesstimate,
she's just a fucking farmhand, but she was hot, and Abram's like, she's pretty tight.
I'll fucking give her a lashing.
(34:07):
And because Sarai is also his fucking slave, to some extent,
Sarai has to go, all right, Abram, you can give that lady a bit of sugar,
give her a seed, and then...
You know what I mean? I reckon Hagar, as a servant, she's just a farm hare.
(34:30):
She's milking the goats or she's, you know, planting some shit or she's picking
fruit or something. Well, make sure they're not planting stuff if they're travelling.
If they're travelling, they're not planting. I think we're at the start of farming
communities, but I don't know.
We're probably outside of our scope here, but anyway. Yeah, this is genuinely
(34:52):
the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
We're getting very caught up on who the slaves are.
The angel. That fucking god angel. Fucking god. And come out of nowhere,
all of a sudden they're like, slaves knocking people up.
What, there's an angel? Just tells her to go back. And that's all the angel's done?
(35:14):
Angel. They haven't interjected this whole fucking time. And then they go,
no, it's important you go back because God promised a star's worth of babies.
Get back there and open up. It's supposed to be moral shit. This is why black metal exists, I reckon.
Black metal is specifically to serve an instance of angels telling a woman to become a slave.
(35:41):
Yeah, fuck the women and they're all helpers. Quote.
He shall be a wild man his hands shall be against every man blah blah blah right,
Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her. You are the God who sees.
For she said, have I also here seen him who sees me? Hang on.
(36:06):
I don't know what that means. Called the name of the Lord who spoke to her.
To me says. Is it just God? There's a name for the Lord that spoke to her, not just the Lord.
Ham. Barry. Ham Porkins. Ham Porkins. ham
porkins should be the name of the win god from now
on is ham porkins god would be better if
(36:29):
he was ample i said i'm i said that is it
from now on so ham porkins was the truth that's
where the human race diverted from being good to evil was when we didn't choose
ham porkins but again early on we it sounded like they were talking about multiple
gods and again that wording sounds like multiple gods,
(36:53):
they spoke of the Lord with a certain name.
When they were writing down there like we'll keep our we haven't figured out
where we're going you really want to read don't you,
I'll stop I want to read this next bit and retrofit hand organs in there we
got six minutes left I think by the way then she called the name of the Lord
(37:16):
who spoke to her you are the hem porkins who sees.
For she said have i also seen him who sees me therefore the well was called
beelahai roy observe it'd be between kadesh but i don't know so okay i don't know the
(37:39):
fuck that means so hagar bore abram a
son and abram named his son
whom hagar bore ishmael abram was
86 years old when hagar bore ishmael to abram which by the way it just occurred
to me abram was 70 something during the war when he left habra fucking harran
(38:03):
so this is 13 years About 10, yeah, 13 years. You get the point.
So, all right, so that's interesting.
This is an introduction to an introduction.
Captain, we're up to chapter 17 because just before we've just learned that,
(38:29):
God spoke to Samkhanah and blah, blah, blah, right? I think we're up to chapter
17. I don't even know why. That was very descriptive. Thank you.
It's chapter 17.
It's a very good read. We've moved on now from Sarai being very mean.
(38:53):
It's chapter 17. When Abram was 99 years old, the Lord appeared to Abram and
said to him, I am almighty God, walk before me and be blameless.
So, fuck Hagar and fuck everyone else, you're blameless.
(39:15):
Well, it wasn't his fault he had to rape. Well, yeah, true.
He was just an innocent player in the raping, I think.
Is my opinion of abram he's my favorite character and i forgot to call god ham porkins hang on.
Blameless she was raped but he was blameless in the rape and despite his penetration
(39:38):
of her groin so she wasn't technically raped she just he's just blameless in
the rape he made love to her is what he did.
In God's eye, he made sweet. It was not a right sweet. God did his duty.
He multiplied.
(39:58):
She was unfortunately needed for this multiplication. She loved it.
Well, she was Abram's gift. Continue. Quote.
She was the gift. And I will and I will make my covenant between me and you.
(40:20):
And will multiply you exceedingly. So he's happy with Abram doing what he's doing.
Then Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him, saying,
As for me, behold, my covenant is with you, and you shall be a father of many nations.
No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham. Kevin.
(40:48):
Abraham. He was the original Kevin. He was the original Kevin.
I don't want to be Abram anymore. I want to be Abraham. I thought the original
Kevin was... He got the ham added to his name.
He's Abraham Hawkins.
(41:09):
Reinvigorated. I'm back in. All the anger's gone.
I've forgiven everything now in the Bible. I'm all in on him,
Porkins slash Abram. I'm back pro Abe.
I'm back pro Ham, Porkins, Abram combo.
Is God an excellent, and I'm not a psychologist enough to know the right terminology,
(41:36):
but has he gaslighted you enough or whatever the right word is where you hated, hated, hated,
and then all of a sudden he's just thrown a bone to Abram,
renamed him and then you love him you
love no because it's based on my
love of the word and rebranded what it's based on
which god didn't quite no longer
(41:58):
shall your name be called abram but your name shall be called
abraham before i have made you father
of many nations i will make you exceedingly fruitful i'll
make you nations i'll make nations like there's
some kind of transgender dead naming joke
that can be made here i don't know what that means about like god
just renaming him and that's his new name i feel like there's something you
(42:21):
could do with i don't know what gender name of that don't push against god's
will because that's how it works fuck god's no i'm yeah i'm gonna come captain
but i am i'm very angry captain.
I'll preach. I'll preach. Take three deep breaths, Captain. That's how it works. Don't worry.
(42:44):
Later in the year, the God might talk to someone called Bruno. Him?
And tell him a better way. Look, just wait.
It'll come out. Quote. It's taken me a lot of effort.
I'm fighting so hard against God as a heathen, and he's telling me, go rape bitches.
(43:04):
And I'm like, no, I can't rape bitches. but I'm a
heathen because I'm just not raping the bitches he wants
me to rape it doesn't matter as long as you I'm an awful human being that doesn't
rape bitches if you're moral sorry off topic if I start saying off topic will
you stop it's pretty on topic it's not off topic God is pro rape off topic.
(43:30):
Covenant blah blah blah everlasting descendants blah blah Also I give to you
and your descendants after you the land in which you are a stranger,
or the land of Canaan as an everlasting possession, and I will be their God.
And God said to Abraham, As for you, you shall keep my covenant,
(43:52):
you and your descendants, after you throughout their generations.
This is my covenant which you shall keep between me and you and your descendants after you.
Every male child among you shall be circumcised.
Sorry, I just want to point out. Is it not claimed he will be their God?
(44:15):
Like, it's still their choice.
I'll be your God, and you'll be sin. The covenant is also between Abraham.
Because I don't want a dead name. The covenant is between Abraham and his descendants.
Not between Abraham, the mother of the descendants, and the descendants.
(44:40):
The mother is not included in the covenant.
The mother slash helper slash rape victim.
Because, arms off, fuck God. At this point, fuck all this shit.
That is evil. And it's all evil and fuck God.
That's where I'm at. Captain, you're a fucking hateful cunt. What about the boys?
(45:04):
I am hateful. What about the boys?
You know the funny thing? I reckon I reckon I reckon 40 years ago 40?
Yeah I reckon 40 years ago is only That would have been a man's decision To rape?
To decide what's happening With a family Yeah.
(45:28):
It also probably was to rape mind you But I mean Mainly Family decisions are
a man's decision. Hopefully we're past all of that.
No, no, I'm not disagreeing. All I'm saying is 40 years ago exactly what we're saying,
as like a holy fuck, how could they say this moment would have been the norm.
(45:54):
You know I'm 40, you motherfucker?
Yeah, and when you were born old cunts roamed.
Fuck, the power of the dinosaur.
The power I could have wielded if I was a fucking man. 20 million years older.
Just hold up the covenant, mate. You've still got the power.
Just hold up the covenant. Your generation let us mend down,
(46:16):
and now we're all Abrahams.
I bonked my helper over the head. No, we're all Abrams instead of Abraham.
Abraham is when he eats. He was a Pokemon, right? He was a Pokemon. Fuck him now. And Abram.
He's a Charmander. We're all Charizards. And then it's like,
oh, you've got the power of sexual abuse.
(46:39):
And then he evolved into Abraham.
And now he can just dominate all the bitches he wants because he's an evil.
He forgot the move dominate and learned the move.
You evolved from the word dominate.
Go inside, and now it's rape all the bitches is the new move because you are
(47:04):
the fucking vilest, vilest tool of God.
I was going to say, he forgot dominate and learned accommodate.
That's what I would have thought. There's no accommodation. He's not about accommodation.
Abraham's not here to accommodate. He's here to absolutely rape.
(47:25):
I don't know. I got lost with it. Go. I got lost.
We're just talking about how Abraham's all about raping and that God's very much over raping. Yeah.
I like raping. Stop. I like all that shit too, but I'm more interested in circumcision.
Okay. Well, there you go. Start to an episode. I'm more interested in circumcision.
(47:47):
I'm a fan of circumcision.
Cutting the top of your dick is pretty exciting to me.
Quote, And you shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskins,
and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you.
How does that relate? The covenant between me and you is shown with a lack of foreskin.
(48:14):
But didn't Noah get all cranky that someone saw him and was fucking?
It was just the foreskin. He's like, you saw my dick.
No, naked babies, anyone can see them naked because we should all see naked babies. Not men.
Only women. Oh, that's true. Yeah, naked boys, everyone should touch them,
(48:36):
particularly in the groin area and particularly with a shower.
Where the fuck did this come from? Fuck it, Alan.
Captain. If it's a naked baby, we've got to get on. Hey, you just got yourself
on so many fucking lists right now.
Fucking captain. Oh, shit.
(48:58):
I don't always list. He's the one who should be. Well, you're not only one of
God's preachers, but you're a prophet.
And you just said every male child should be seen.
In the groin. In the groin. All right. Quote.
(49:19):
He who is eight days old among you shall be circumcised.
Every male child in your
generations he who is born in your
house or brought with money what yeah
if you own them with money from any foreigner who is not your dependent oh right
(49:40):
descend the other part sorry the other part i want to go back to there is within
eight days yeah so So let's go into modern medicine here with what modern medicine tells us,
we can do to keep a human alive.
Oh, you're getting very technical, Captain. Well, it- Dr. Captain,
(50:01):
I like that you've started the finger.
If a kid needs to be kept alive and- Sorry, am I reading it wrong?
Is he saying you need to chop off the foreskin within eight days?
They're saying the circumcision has to be within eight.
Yeah, if they've come out of the vagina in eight days, look
with no looking further into
this at all i can guarantee to you every circumcision we've dealt with in aging
(50:27):
now we're all very biased i'm assuming brothers grail because i'm very confident
i'm uncircumcised me too well we're sinners yeah we're fucked.
We got ugly dicks. But if you're hardcore following this book and your kid gets
(50:50):
born and gets put in emergency baby care. Emergency cut your dick off.
Yeah. You have to be like, nah, mate, I've got eight days.
Come on. Time's ticking. Eight days is a long time when you're a kid, though.
They would be saying that. That's a long time. I get your point,
but I guarantee they would be pushing for it to be ready.
(51:14):
My question is, why?
Yes. Why? Is that important? Yeah. Who cares about a fucking dick skin?
Yeah. Yeah. I find it to be. It's like, you know, like eight days is weird.
It's not even seven, like the magical number. It's the day after the day of
(51:36):
rest. All right. Anyway, quote.
Seven days to work on a dick. One day for rest.
Yeah, you got seven days. God can create the universe in seven days.
Dick takes eight. Captain, shut up.
No. Captain. No. Captain. God.
(51:59):
Hey, turn, brother. God putting a time limit on popping off dick skin is a sign
of God's lack of respect for,
Personal autonomy. I disagree. He gave him seven days of personal respect.
(52:20):
Cunts can chop a dick off for that. Guys, like, why fucking create a universe
in seven days? I would imagine most six-year-olds.
Sorry. Six-year-olds? You've jumped six years.
Sorry. Most eight-day-olds are ready to submit to having their dick cut out. No.
Is my opinion. I agree with you. You're right. Seven days for a universe.
(52:43):
Seven days for a dick. Yeah. And that baby... Anyway, quote.
I think God wins that particular debate.
You're pro-dick chopping? No, no, no. But if God can create the waters and the
humans and the whatever in eight days... It's your fault.
You got eight days to cut a dick off. That's it.
(53:05):
Yeah. It's your fault if you can't create a dick in eight days. It's all you got to do.
Captain. What if you... Captain. What if you've given birth to a baby? All you've got to do.
And all you've got is like a blunt stone. It's supposed to die.
Is it that hard? It either dies or it has its dick chopped. What do you want?
Yeah, I've made the rest of everything. Well, you're correct.
(53:28):
It's almost not as bad as poor Hagar's experience.
Hang on. Hang on. If a baby dies before it's christened, it goes to hell,
but you're worried about it losing its dick?
Skins. Not even the full dick. Just a little bit of dick skins.
It's just a bit of skin, brother. So, look, we don't care about them going to
(53:51):
hell for things out of their circumstance.
Yeah, we'd be right. Why do we care about their fucking skin?
And look, look, we've got a...
Get your back down. Alright, I'll stop adding to this.
Let's just read on because we're getting As your big brother,
(54:13):
Captain, I tell you to cease.
Cease. Cease. I refuse.
We don't come? Christians are fucking retarded. All right. Edit that shit out, son.
Go on. And the uncircumcised male child who is not circumcised in the flesh
(54:37):
of his foreskin, in, that person shall be cut off from his people.
He has- Oh, fucking hell. Why didn't we let it get that far before we went on our rant?
Oi. Seriously? Shut up. Seriously, though.
Why did God make us with a foreskin if it was a sin?
(54:57):
Because he's fucking shit. We need to learn. We need to learn.
He's like, here's a thing you're born with. You don't have the tools to get rid of it.
But unless you do, you know what's fucking useless is our earlobes.
Why aren't we cutting our earlobes off? They are fucking useless.
(55:18):
No, foreskins have a purpose, and they do quite a bit. It's a pretty object.
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Earlobes. What the fuck do your earlobes do, Captain?
I guarantee there's a reason. Will I do a fuckload less than my foreskin?
Yeah, so anyway, quote. Yeah.
Chopper lived without ears. Then
God said to Abraham, because he's Abraham now, as for Sarai, your wife.
(55:43):
Hang on. Let me say that again. again then god
said abraham as for sarai your wife you shall
not call her name sarai but sarah shall
be her name blasphemy i know
so he's just renamed abraham and sarai he's
just renamed quote when you
get called sarah are you just being called baron i don't know is sarah a bad
(56:08):
we should that should be our new bird is Sarah a bad name as long as Sarah is
but that's a no no no but it's a shit bible name because that was a shit cunt
no it's a rye it's a shit name Sarah
But she's still barring. No, Sarai's next. All right. Yeah, all right.
Sarai. You'll tell me why it's better.
So Sarai is awesome, but also Sarah, and I will bless her and also give you a son.
(56:35):
Then I will bless her. So fuck.
She just gets a son in the end. What's the point of this whole fucking story?
Get rewarded for being an abusive piece of shit.
What was the fucking point? Kevin is getting very aggressive right now,
and I'm feeling a little threatened. Sorry.
(56:57):
This is getting worse. I didn't think they could make it worse, but they did.
Then I will bless her, and she shall be the mother of nations,
king of peoples, that shall be from her. Wait, she will be the king?
I don't know. King is literally the wrong word.
It says, sorry, kings of peoples shall be from her.
(57:21):
Quote okay then abraham fell
on his face again he said that before he's fucking
like he's like a fucking uh what's it called when
you what's the word comedy slapstick he's a slapstick cunt he's uncoordinated
then i fell on his face and laughed and said in his heart shall a child be born
(57:42):
to a man who is 100 years old and shall sarah who is 90 years old bear a child.
And Abram said to God, oh, that Ishmael might live before you.
(58:08):
Then God said, No, Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac.
I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant with him for
an everlasting covenant. I read that twice.
And with his descendants after him. Continual.
(58:31):
And as for Ishmael, I have heard you. Behold, I have blessed him and will make
him fruitful and will multiply him exceedingly.
He shall beget twelve princes and I will make him a great nation.
But my covenant will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this set time next year.
(59:00):
What the fuck? Hang on. Is he essentially saying, you've got your bastard child,
and he's all right. Who's?
But I prefer Isaac, and I'm going to give him.
Ishmael's the first dude. Yep. Sorry. But I prefer, and I'm going to go with them more.
Am I? Is that it? Fuck.
(59:22):
But I will establish my covenant with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this time next year.
Yep. So he's like, you've gone out, you've banged your fucking Hagrid. Yeah. Goodness.
I like them, but I've decided after your torment, your barren wife is not barren.
(59:45):
And I could have fixed that, but I didn't. But he's a fucking kid and I like him more.
Kevin, you're on the money. Are you traveling over there, Captain? Preacher?
It's just dumb. All right. Quote. All of this shit is so fucking dumb.
Quote. And it's evil and it's shit. Quote.
(01:00:08):
You good? Quote. Then he finished talking with him and God went up to Abraham.
So immediately his name is Abraham. So this guy says, in the bush,
he's like, I'm not Abraham.
This was like something that they cut out so many things they could have put in the Bible.
I tried to change my nickname to Kramer when I was a kid, and no one took,
(01:00:33):
but Abraham made it stick.
But God did that.
The God that is pro-rape slash all those other things that he's pro,
he was on side with that no god wasn't
on side with kramer sorry mate this is exhausted i hate
kramer all right so ready this is just so circular then
(01:00:56):
sorry sorry this whole sarah fucking
renaming now suddenly she can give
birth it's just like this weird
extra layer on top of of the weird
rape shit it is you agree it was unnecessary
to go like they could have avoided it
by just not making her barren all they
(01:01:18):
had to do was just be like and then he gave birth to whichever kid god liked
but god wanted them to go down the weird detour of abuse and then go no And
the rape baby isn't good enough. The fucking...
The rape... Not shame in him taking the extra mistress.
(01:01:41):
No. It's in the Baron. And she felt like she had...
Attack the baron uh the mistress yeah and
rape baby goes to the side immediately it
is so fucking dark it
just gets worse it feels a lot like
depressing episode and again can we
(01:02:03):
tell some jokes god is the fucking joke for
being such a fucking demon yeah so let
me finish this quick chapter no no no seven years
god god can create a
planet god can do all these mystical things and then i'm supposed to think oh
he's changed someone's name what the fuck does that mean why does that matter
(01:02:29):
very good point hey bevan tell me that hey bevan i'm gonna call I'm going to call you Kevin.
I'm going to call you Kevin now, mate. Oh, I did that.
At the start of this fucking podcast, Colin changed my name.
Is he God? I think. No. Wow.
And he's also not a raper or someone who tells people to do a raper.
(01:02:50):
I appreciate the not raping bit, but maybe I am a God. Maybe.
I'll dispute the rest. I think. Why would you worship Quindog above God?
And that's not me being hyperbolic. All right, full stop. That's meeting James. End of podcast.
Pro-Quindog is my lord. I think that's where we're at. I think we've discovered.
(01:03:14):
Hang on. Finish what we're doing and call it.
I thought we were stopping in the Captain Gow and I could follow Quindog as a god.
I mean, let's branch from here. All right. And let's just go with Quindog the god.
Yeah, Quindog the god. So let's finish this chapter. So he finished my covenant,
(01:03:35):
went and finished talking with God, and went up to Abraham.
So Abraham took Ishmael, which was the shittaker, I think, and his son,
who were all born in his house, and all who were brought up with his money,
every male among the men of Abraham's house,
and circumcised the flesh of their foreskins that very day.
(01:03:58):
The very same day as God had said to him, Abraham was 99 years old when he was
circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
And Ishmael, his son, was 13 years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
That very same day, Abraham was circumcised, blah, blah, blah.
(01:04:19):
And all the men of his house, so he's grabbed all of his slaves and shit,
by the way, All the men of his house in the house were brought with money or
brought with money from a foreigner,
were circumcised with him.
The end. What a wonderful ending. So, hang on. Moral and legal.
(01:04:42):
You wouldn't trade with me? We cut dicks. Let me cut your dick skin.
Yeah. No, he owned them already. You know what his love of...
Didn't he say trade? It fits in with God's love of human animals.
Huh? God loves animals just being chopped the fuck up.
So why not cut off a bit of human skin? It's exactly what God wants,
Captain. What the fuck are you whinging about? He's all about blood.
(01:05:05):
I'm surprised they didn't want the penis cut in half. You know what I mean?
Yeah, right down the middle. That's a good point.
Chop that shit up. I am so angry. This is the dumbest shit. It tasted like it
had wings. It's not a turtle dove.
A turtle dove wouldn't be enough. You've got to craft the cock.
Turtle neck, more like dick skirt. So, all right. So let me try to think of
(01:05:28):
a new insightful question.
When God interjections. So very, very sorry there, Quinn God.
I've just got to jump in on you there.
You do, in fact, proceed to put some questions to the preacher and Kerbevan.
(01:05:51):
But what I'm saving everybody from right now is literally about 15 minutes of
drunken ramblings by the Brothers Grail.
So I'm going to cut this episode short to put everybody out of their misery.
But what I am about to do is let you know that we're going to be progressing
in the next episode with our new heroes, Abraham and Sarah,
(01:06:15):
obviously who have evolved from Abram and Sarai into Abraham and Sarah.
Now, in the next few chapters, we get to catch up with Lot again.
Now, you do not want to miss what happens with Lot. It's pretty mind-blowing.
For anyone who hasn't read the Bible,
I think you've got zero chance of guessing
(01:06:38):
seeing what happens with our little buddy lot it's fucking
amazing so on that note i'm gonna sign out this time from episode five from
the brothers grail on behalf of the brothers grail this is quingod on behalf
of the captain and the preacher and kabevan we are out of here bye.
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