Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
We're designed to have this anxious
or fearful response once in a while in certain types of situations.
Fear is not a bad thing. It just becomes bad, or anxiety becomes bad,
when it is a constant thing and then when we do nothing about it.
Music.
(00:38):
Hi, I'm Dee Hicks, and welcome to the School of Leadership, leveraged lessons
from high-impact leaders.
For the past 35 years, I've researched the disciplines, habits,
mental models, and assumptions of the most effective leaders in dozens of vocations.
This podcast takes what I've learned from over 2,000 of these remarkable people
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and distills it into practical tools and tips that you can use immediately.
So let's get started.
Music.
(01:21):
Welcome back. How you doing? Good. That was a leading question.
If you listen to part two of managing our own anxiety as leaders or managers
or supervisors, you know that when
I asked a friend of mine recently that question, he had a long response.
So how are you doing? I'm glad you're back. Let's talk about what do we do now?
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How do we navigate it? So part one of this series was just got to notice it,
realize that, oh, that's something going on here.
That's not supposed to be my normal state.
So notice it. And then we talked in part two about naming it.
What's the source of this? Where'd it come from?
It's probably in large part coming from one of five core beliefs that you and
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I have got that are beliefs about what we need that we really don't need.
So then when we have experiences out there in leadership land,
sometimes those experiences threaten that need.
But in fact, we don't really even need that.
So that's the second part. That was name it. This is navigate it.
Now what do we do? How do we navigate through this?
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Now it's important to get our minds wrapped around the fact that we're designed
to have this anxious or fearful response once in a while in certain types of situations.
Fear is not a bad thing. It's just becomes bad or anxiety becomes bad when it is a constant thing.
And then when we do nothing about it, if it's a common or constant then we're
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probably eventually going to reset the very makeup of our system so that we
are afraid of being afraid.
So here we are. How do we navigate it? Well, as we've studied,
folks, and learned some of these disciplines ourselves over the years,
and by ourself, I'm not using like the royal voice,
we, but I'm saying I and a few of my close friends and colleagues have practiced
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these same things about how to
navigate through the pressure that creates anxiety in our life as leaders.
We've begun to practice a few things. Here's one of them. I think of it as getting
your eye off the storm and onto the compass.
When there's a storm around me, I need to realize I have a place I need to go.
I need to go through the storm and I need to realize there is another side to
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this, that the storm will abate and I will come out the other side of it.
I just want to make sure that as I'm going through the storm,
I'm going in the right direction as much as possible.
So get your eye off the storm and onto the compass.
Lean back in, get back on course and move.
There's nothing more powerful than movement, regardless of how small that movement
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is, toward a worthy goal or a worthy result.
So focus on getting rid of your anxiety and the anxiety, oddly, will spread.
Spread, notice your anxiety, name its sources, as I've suggested,
and then navigate through that toward a worthy mission.
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That's a fancy way of saying just get up and get moving. Move toward the thing
you're trying to address, toward the problem you're trying to solve,
the opportunity you're trying to create, the person you're trying to build up or coach or support.
Move toward it. That's how we deal with anxiety.
Once we know that it is anxiety, we named it. Once we know, oh,
it comes from that belief or that belief. Some of them are false.
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Then, okay, move. So waiting passively for feelings of this high reactivity, which is also anxiety,
to somehow, I don't know, evaporate and dissipate and disappear while you keep
checking on your anxiety levels is a recipe for disaster.
I like it when I'm in control, but I don't need it.
That's the way to think about it. I like it when people approve of me and like
(04:57):
me and of my decisions and of my work, but I don't actually need it.
I like it when things are perfect. Oh, look at that.
And when I'm perfect, well, in theory, I've never experienced that,
but in theory, I would like it when I was perfect, but I don't need it.
I like it when I can be there for anyone who needs something and really help them out.
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But I don't need it every time someone asks.
I like it when I know what to do. Ah, this is the right thing to do.
But I don't need to know what to do.
It's very healthy to pause and ask myself, what do I actually need here?
And if you've been around the block once or twice, you know that what we may
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want, our appetite might actually not be what we need.
So what do I need?
You can also ask that question of someone who you were walking through an anxious
storm with. What do you need?
So what do we need? Well, as leaders, we need a few things. You can probably
add to this list, but it's not a lot of things.
(06:03):
And some of these all clump together, but I need to be engaged in meaningful and significant work.
I need to have a life direction, purpose, mission.
That mission has to line up with my work in some way. I need to create.
I need to take action. I need to make progress towards accomplishing that work.
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I need to do that a little bit at a time.
I probably need progress every day or almost every day.
I need to lean into the hard stuff. I need that work.
I need that pressure, that intensity because the hard stuff is worth it.
And I need to lift that weight.
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I need to push up that hill. I need to be engaged in stuff that is worthy.
And I need for it to not be so easy that it pulls me along all the time,
especially if that work is for someone else.
I need to have really good good friendships, a few of them.
I need to be part of a team that's working in the same direction that I am.
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I need to lean in and by working hard, get results.
And I need to celebrate. I need
to pause and say, that was a thing of beauty. Part of it was my effort.
Part of it was the magic of working with other people. Part of it was a gift.
I need to celebrate probably every day.
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So the way to navigate is to know where you're going or figure it out and take
action to To engage in something and with someone, the work itself and the result
of that work is life-giving.
It nurtures, if you want to say.
And that kind of approach to those anxiety-creating circumstances and to the
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hard stuff of life is contagious.
Internally, I want to do it more. I want to do it again.
It's also contagious to people around me, just like anxiety itself is contagious.
Anxiety itself spreads like an emotional virus, and it's most contagious in
systems and groups where the number one goal of that group is to get rid of
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the anxiety rather than addressing its causes,
where the emphasis is to feel good rather than to do good and to be good.
We all have internal triggers and sources of our anxiety, like those five mental
models or core beliefs that I mentioned to you in the last two podcasts, or internal triggers.
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They're like well-practiced patterns that we've learned in our first group experience.
Probably our family of origin is probably our first group experience,
or even destructive group experiences early in our adult life or in our work life.
Paying attention to those dynamics I have found is really important if you and
I as leaders are to manage well the negative effect of anxieties and stresses when they arise.
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We all have triggers for our leadership anxiety. Those are, we could call those relational sources.
That's like passive aggressive behavior in other people. Someone who says yes and does no.
That's a trigger for us. If I can use that term. We react to those things.
Or mixed messages or a double bind. Oh, go ahead.
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Have fun. I'll just stay here without you. No one cares.
That's a double bind. Or maybe emotional manipulation is one of those things
that creates a reaction in us, an anxious reaction or strong reactions to no.
If you say no to somebody and they have a really strong negative reaction to
us, that could be an external trigger for us or an external switch that we flip.
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Or if someone backs up the guilt truck, or if they're dishonest, or they triangulate.
That last one on that list is probably the biggest cause of anxiety in any group that I've ever met.
That triangulation thing, that's where if I have a problem with you,
I don't talk with you, I talk to somebody else about you and spin the story in my favor.
It's insipid, it's toxic, it's utterly, utterly destructive,
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creates an atmosphere of anxiety within most groups.
So groups that focus on all that stuff, on getting rid of the feelings that
those things create, they quickly devolve into blaming behavior.
Their anxiety is chronic and contagious.
Everyone who's a part of the group eventually becomes infected with that anxiety.
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It was Edwin Friedman who wrote, chronic anxiety in groups might be compared
to the volatile atmosphere of a room filled with gas fumes,
where any sparking incident could set off a conflagration and where people would
then blame the person who struck the match rather than assuming responsibility
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for trying to disperse the fumes.
Oh, the primary focus of a group like that at work or at home or anywhere is
on diminishing the icky feelings of anxiety, on removing the present discomfort of anxiety.
And the main way that groups like that do that is by blaming someone for their
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anxiety-fueled discomfort. comfort, the primary person in an organized system that they blame.
Is you, the leader. Their thought is that their discomfort is your fault,
that you should do something to relieve it, and that you should do it now.
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They demand a quick fix. And if you're floating in a sea of unmanaged anxiety yourself,
personally, you're going to jump at the chance to do something,
anything, that will momentarily reduce that group's discomfort,
or the individual's discomfort or your discomfort.
This tactic usually makes it worse and the contagion of anxiety and fear spreads.
(12:06):
Okay, lean in with me. Your mind may have wondered. Here's the shocker.
Calm is not the cure for anxiety.
Courage is. This is true for individuals as well as for groups,
even for large groups, in culture and subculture, we have learned that much
of our anxiety and our stress comes from believing we need something we don't really need.
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And we've talked about that now several times. And when that false need is threatened, we get anxious.
Turns out we don't actually need those things. So anxiety, leadership anxiety,
yours, mine, theirs, is not the problem to be solved. It's a byproduct.
Courage taking the step regardless of that anxiety. Now that's the key.
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So time to take the next step. If you're floating on a sea of anxiety or you're
buffeted around by a storm of anxiety, time to navigate.
How do you do that? What's your next step? Well, focus on the why.
Focus on the purpose, on the outcome, the result. Focus on the mission.
People as individuals and in groups, without an other focused worthy mission
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will always default to feeling good, to comfort, to protection of themselves,
or at least the feeling of safety and protection for themselves.
And the result of that will fail, but it will increase anxiety.
Get mission focused. What are we trying to do here?
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And then start looking at results. Get results focused. That's getting progress
toward achieving the results.
Am I closer to that today than I was yesterday? Am I closer this week than I
was last week? Even an inch closer. Good enough.
And focus on something that requires more than one person to do.
If you want to get moving, probably don't do it alone.
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Link up with other people who are focused on the same thing that You are even one other person.
And focus on something that is actually achievable, but just barely.
And it's going to require all of the best effort that you can possibly muster to make it happen.
You've noticed it. You've named it. Oh, it's coming from this.
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I don't actually need that. I need this instead.
And then move, take action, a small action.
Don't wait till tomorrow to do it. And don't wait for the anxiety to fate,
and don't wait for someone else to step up and take responsibility.
This is you.
By the way, leaders get there first. Leadership isn't everything,
but it's the first thing.
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If you get there first, you can't help but leading other people out of that
malaise of blame and shame and anxiety toward accomplishing really good things.
James, I wish you were here.
I would share a little bit of this amazing Chambers Bay bourbon with you.
(15:07):
It's kind of hard to find, I'm guessing. It's a local bourbon.
And by local, I mean like 30 miles away from where I'm making this recording
out in the Puget Sound area in the state of Washington.
And it's pretty good stuff. I left the bottle over here. Let me go grab it and
I can reread some of the details. Hang on. Walking across the studio.
I have a bottle. There it is.
(15:28):
Chambers Bay Distillery Boathouse Aged Spirits.
I love the branding on these things. This is so good. It's straight bourbon
whiskey, 750 milliliter bottle. It's 95 proof.
This was batch number 15.
Bottle number 121. They probably have a lot more bottles in each batch that
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I would have guessed, but this stuff is very, very enjoyable.
They say on the bottle, our approach to making wispy, wispy?
It's not wispy. It's actually pretty good. Our approach to making whiskey combines a healthy respect.
Is there such thing as an unhealthy respect? Huh? I wonder about that.
For traditional methods with the innovative spirit and natural resources of the Pacific Northwest.
(16:15):
That means absolutely nothing to me.
This is so fun to me to read what's written on the back of many bottles of bourbon,
and they almost say the same thing.
And they say nothing with a lot of words.
All of our bourbon whiskeys are crafted grain-to-bottle on premise,
using hand-selected local grains and our own proprietary local wild yeast strain,
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harnessing the power of the sea,
we age our barrels in floating boathouses on the Puget Sound.
The movement created by this hydrokinetic energy increases the interaction of
the bourbon and the wood, expediting the aging process and enhancing the flavor of our whiskey.
Well, it's good. I don't know if any of that is true. I do know they sit them
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on boat houses and they float a little bit.
I do know it moves a little bit more than an earthquake would make it move.
But I don't know if that makes any difference. But it's good.
It's really good. I like it. And it says, please enjoy responsibly.
That's a good motto to have for a lot of things in life.
So anyway, I hope you're enjoying this podcast responsibly. It's good to spend
some time with you talking in your ear or out through the speaker in your car as you're driving.
(17:25):
Aren't podcasts an odd thing? They're a very intimate thing.
I'm just imagining you. This is not 50 people or 5,000 people I'm talking to. This is just you.
But I don't get any feedback. I don't know if you've rolled your eyes.
I don't know if you like bourbon or hate it.
I don't know if you're feeling anxious right now. None of that.
So I'll just make up a bunch of stuff about you.
Anyway, I hope you have a great day. Here's to you. Keep up the good work.
(17:46):
Music.
Thanks for joining me in today's School of Leadership. I know your time is valuable
and And I appreciate the opportunity to spend a little bit of it with you.
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(18:08):
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Music.
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And if you want to check out our in-depth leadership management and supervisory
(18:29):
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Once again, thanks for taking a little bit of time and spend it with me.
Music.