Fighter, Survivor, Warrior: Rethinking Illness Language - Ep. 12

In this episode of Fine, But Not Fine, I’m digging into the words we use to describe people living with chronic or incurable illnesses — terms like “warrior,” “fighter,” and “survivor.” While I know these words are meant to inspire and uplift, they often don’t reflect what daily life with a chronic illness actually feels like. Most days aren’t epic battles — they’re routines filled with managing symptoms, navigating healthcare, and just getting through. I share why I prefer words like “navigating,” “managing,” and “coping,” and why it’s so important for each of us to define our own experience, without feeling boxed in by someone else’s idea of strength. If you’ve ever felt weird about being called a “fighter” when you were just trying to make it through a Tuesday, you’re not alone.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
You look fine, but you're notfine, and that's exactly what
we're here to talk about.Welcome to Fine, But Not Fine,
the podcast about navigatingrare disease healthcare battles
and the messy reality of chronicillness. I'm Kelly Paul, and
I've been living with MycosisFungoides since 2015. This is a

(00:22):
space for real talk, realexperiences and practical
advice, because surviving is onething, but figuring out how to
actually live, that's the hardpart.
Hey y'all and welcome back toFine, But Not Fine. Today, I

(00:44):
want to talk about somethingthat we don't always notice,
even though it shows up in a lotof conversations, almost every
message of support and everyheadline about someone who's
sick, and it's the language ofillness, the words we use or
that get used for us when we'rediagnosed with something

(01:07):
serious, something chronic,rare, incurable.
You know what I'm talking About,right? Those words like warrior,
fighter, brave, strong,survivor.
Sometimes those words empowerus, and sometimes they comfort

(01:28):
people around us more than theycomfort us, and sometimes they
just don't fit. So let's talkabout it.
Let's talk about why these wordsare everywhere, what they mean
and what they mightunintentionally take from us.
Now, when people find out you'resick, especially if the word

(01:49):
cancer is involved, there's kindof a script they seem to follow.
You know, they say things like,you've got this or you're a
fighter. Stay strong.
Here's one of my personal petpeeves. You're gonna beat this?
No, I'm not. It's incurable.Okay? She lost her battle with
cancer. All of this language,it's war language, right, right

(02:12):
out of the gate. You are asoldier in a fight you did not
ask for.
And I get it. These words aremeant to be encouraging. I know
that they're people's way ofcheering you on when they really
don't know what else to say, butI got to tell you, some days I
do not feel like a fighter. Ifeel like someone trying to

(02:34):
remember when I last took mymeds. I feel like someone who is
absolutely tired of spending mylunch breaks, on the phone,
dealing with appointments orprescriptions, and I feel like
someone who would just like tohave a normal, boring day.
And sometimes a script doesn'tfit, and honestly, sometimes it

(02:56):
feels like a mask, one I didn'tchoose, but now I'm expected to
wear. So let's talk a little bitabout what these this kind of
language implies, even when it'ssaid with love.
Because when you're called afighter, the assumption is that
there is something to win andsomething to lose, but like me,
if you're like me, your illnessmay not have a cure, at least

(03:18):
not right now, if I'm beingpositive, I mean right, you
know.
It's not about winning, it'sabout living with something
that's unpredictable, expensiveand lifelong, and when someone
calls you strong, sometimes itcan make you feel like you don't
get a chance to break down, likeif you cry or cancel plans or

(03:39):
say, I'm not okay today you'vesomehow disappointed the role
you've been cast in.
And maybe the hardest partreally, is that this language
doesn't just describe ourexperience. It really starts to
define it in us, Warrior,survivor, patient, person with
cancer, all of it becomes a kindof shorthand for who we are. No

(04:03):
longer people saying, Oh, she'sthat really fun person or
vibrant or blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, right? It's the sick
person, which is kind of a themethrough a lot of the the topics
that I'm covering is about, howdo we acknowledge where we are
without having it be the soledefiner, right?
And this, it's just exhausting,you know? Because, yes, I have

(04:26):
an illness. Yes, I live with itevery single day. But the root
of it is it is not the whole ofme, and I don't want the
language of illness to swallowup the rest of who I am. I am
still creative, I am stillfunny, I am still absolutely

(04:47):
annoyed by slow drivers.
You know, I want to I want spaceto be a full person, not just a
diagnosis, wearing a brave face.And it's not that I reject these
words outright. I've actually,um, tempered myself on this a
lot.
It used to really get get my ireup when people would say some of
these things, but I've learnedover time that it's more about

(05:10):
what they need to feelcomfortable with what I'm
experiencing.
But you know, sometimes it'slike they're trying to put a
limit on my identity, and I justwant to reject that.
So I wonder what kind ofdifferent vocabulary could we
make room for in our stories,and things that come to my mind

(05:30):
are words like navigating,managing, living with, enduring,
even coping.
Because honestly, some days thatis the most honest answer. We
are just coping with it.Sometimes I say I'm figuring it
out, or I'm learning to livewith it, I might say I'm not

(05:51):
fighting and I'm not winning. Iam just living.
And for all the people who findstrength and words like warrior,
that's amazing. Take them, ownthem, let them lift you up right
now.
But if you are someone who hearsthose words and feels a
disconnect, this is yourreminder that it is okay to feel

(06:14):
that way. You do not have toperform a version of strength
that doesn't feel or isn't real.You can define your experience
in your own words, or evendecide not to define it at all.
So much of being sick,especially with something

(06:36):
ongoing or chronic, is aboutmanaging the things you did not
choose, but the one thing youcan choose is how you talk about
it, and how you let others talkabout you.
Like I said, if you feel like awarrior, own it. If you feel
like someone just trying to getthrough the week, that is
completely valid, too. If youdon't want your entire identity

(07:00):
wrapped up in a diagnosis thatis not selfish or ungrateful.
That is what we call human.
We're not just bodies, we're notjust battles, we're full
complicated people who happen tolive with something difficult.
Now, thanks for spending timewith me today. If this
resonated, I'd love to hear fromyou. I'd love to know what words

(07:23):
have helped you or felt helpfulto you, and what ones have not.
And if you've never thoughtabout this before, maybe now is
the time to start, becauselanguage is incredibly powerful,
and so are we. Even if we don'talways want to be seen only

(07:43):
through the lens of what we'resurviving.
Until next time, be kind toyourself, and remember you don't
have to be a warrior to beworthy.
Thanks for listening to Fine,But Not Fine. If this episode
resonated with you. Subscribe soyou don't miss what's next. And

(08:04):
if you got a story question orjust need to vent, reach out.
I'd love to hear from you untilnext time, take care and keep on
going.