November 4, 2025 • 42 mins
Friendships shape our children in powerful ways. They can bring great joy or deep hurt, and many parents wonder how to guide their children toward lasting, godly relationships. In this episode, Josh and Jen share practical steps families can take to help children not only form healthy friendships but also sustain them over time.
From creating intentional opportunities at home to making the church the center of relationships, they walk through real examples of what has worked in their family. You’ll also hear how to train children to recognize godly qualities in others, how to balance friendships with non-believers, and why loving God first is the foundation for loving others well.
If you want to equip your children to cultivate meaningful, Christ-centered friendships, this conversation offers encouragement and practical guidance. Check us out on YouTube, Rumble and anywhere you get audio podcasts.
Book 50 Things Every Child Needs to Know Before Leaving Home: https://bit.ly/50thingspc
Renewanation: https://bit.ly/rangsfpc
Gospel Shaped Family Homepage: https://bit.ly/gsfhpc
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'm Josh and I'm Jen.
Welcome to the GospelShaped Family podcast.
Each episode brings biblical wisdomand practical conversations
on parenting, marriage, and family,and we discuss
how to disciple the next generationwith a biblical worldview.
Whether you're raising children,shepherding a church, or longing
(00:20):
to build a legacy of faith in your home,this podcast is for you.
Join us as we explore how to shapehearts, homes, and churches
around the gospel,one conversation at a time.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the GospelSheep Family Podcast.
Hey, good to hear good to see you.
Good to see you.
(00:41):
Hello. How are you?
I'm doing good, I guess. Okay.
I think you were caught a little offguard there.
Good fun.
All right, well, today on our episode,we're talking about how to help
our children develop and maintain godly,
lasting friendships.
I love this topic. It's so much fun.
(01:03):
Did you have achildhood best friend, Josh?
You know, I don't think I did.
I had some, some friends in, so we, I,we moved a lot growing up.
I was born in Arizona.
Then we moved to Minnesota,
and then we moved to Texas.
(01:25):
We moved.
So I lived in Arizona two years, Texastwo years or Minnesota two years,
then Texas for 7 or 8and then back up to Minnesota.
My parents moved so much that, the ability
to develop friendshipsnever happened in that consistent.
I remember leaving Texas.
I was just like, right around the,the middle school age.
(01:48):
And I remember crying
because I was leaving my friends.
But, you know, those are thoseare elementary school kind of friendships
and, you know, they only get so deepin elementary school.
And so I came to Minnesota, new school.
Couple years.
And then my parents changed my school fromI was at a Christian school,
(02:13):
and then they, sent me to a public high school.
So then it was all new relationshipsagain.
Yeah.
And, and so that, you know,that really didn't happen in any deep
kind of waythroughout the childhood years.
So I had a couple friendsin the neighborhood, you know,
we grew up back in the daywhen you would actually like, go around,
(02:33):
you go out and play
until the streetlights turned on at night,
and then that was your timeto come in, or,
you know, you'd be riding your bikesall over the place.
You'd be in people's houses all over.
You know, Iwe had two friends in our neighborhood.
One was named they're both named Michael.
And so one was named Big Michael,and the other was Little Michael.
Okay.
And, you know, that was those were mythose were my closest friends growing up
(02:55):
just down the road,who we did everything with and. Yeah.
But yeah, that was hard moving was likethat was that took a toll on us.
How about you?
Well, my family also movedquite a bit when I was young, in fact,
I was thinking about itthat I think I went to between k 12.
I want to say it's eightdifferent schools.
I went to a lot of different schoolsbetween public school
(03:18):
and private school and home school,and we moved a little bit.
I will say, though,
that wherever I landed,I did make friends.
So I remember, like,stand out, like my friend Tina from,
you know, my days at the Christian schooland my good friend Chrissy from,
like my middle school and then friendsthat I made in high school, too.
(03:40):
So I think I was good at making friends.
But I don't know how good I wasat keeping friends,
but I think that that was just like,because of pure logistics, right?
Like there wasn't modern communicationlike we have today.
When you're young,you can't really drive.
And so, you know, you're dependenton your parents for those things.
(04:01):
So I would say I have great memoriesof times with friends.
But I don't think I had, like, a longlasting childhood
best friend that I would point toand be like, that was the person.
Do you have any friendships from childhoodthat have continued into adulthood?
Let me think.
You had Sonny and my friend Sonnyand she passed away.
(04:23):
She became my friendwhen she was in high school.
Yeah.
My friend Chrissy, who I was friendswith, like, in middle school.
I did kind of hang out with hera little bit, but I would say my most
lasting friendships are with my brothers,siblings, with my siblings.
Like, I have a hoot spending timewith both of my brothers.
They are so much fun.
(04:44):
And we were good friends in childhoodand so like,
now, honestly, like, when I think aboutwho, like, who's on my short list
I want to hang out with, like,both of my brothers are on the short list.
They. Yeah.
The friends, they're fun.
Your siblings become your best friendsthrough done well.
Yeah. One.
Right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,I had my closest friends.
Ended up being churchrelated in high school.
(05:06):
Yeah, from our youth group and those.
That was, that was a real blessingin life is interesting.
Many of those individuals, I would sayare either not walking with the Lord
or have very different views and valuesthan I remember them being raised
with today, today, and so, so they'rejust at a very different place in life.
(05:28):
And so thankful, though, for the church.
So, your friends are wonderful.
And they provide, of course,some of the greatest joys, but also,
some of the greatest challenges
that we have in lifewith, ourselves and our children,
they can lead tosome of the greatest hurts. Yeah.
(05:49):
And when we think about the most importantinfluences on the life of kids,
friends are probably top five, dependingdepending on what studies you look at.
You know, they end up coming in typicallyafter family, sometimes before
education and church, around the media, kind of influence level.
(06:12):
Pretty, pretty critical.
Of course, the Bible has a ton of things
to say about relationshipsand friendships.
Proverbs 27 nine tells us
that a sweet friendship refreshesthe soul.
That's true.
And we all have times when,when we need that.
(06:32):
And it's such a great encouragementto have those good friends.
It is, and the good thing, though, isI think my parents did a really good job
training with some just basic,relational skills in our home.
And so even though somy parents are in full time ministry,
that's why we moved a lot.
They were they worked with Campus Crusadeand now called crew.
(06:55):
So we were domestic missionaries,which is why we moved across the country.
Was it just because my parents were likethese nomads that wanted to move
all around there?
You know, there
we understood that as kids that there wasa there was a reason for the sacrifice.
But they they trained us,
well, relationally,some of these biblical principles so that,
(07:17):
when we ended up finally putting downroots,
it's been we've been able to develop,those great friendships in life now.
And it's been very good.
But one of the,one of the biggest elements
that I would hear from Pat, from parentsas a pastor,
is that their childdoes not have a close friend.
I mean, if I could I hear that all the time from parents,
(07:40):
and sometimes it's from familiesthat their child
looks like they're very popularand very bubbly and still struggle.
I remember one mom coming to me once andsaying, my child never gets phone calls.
They don't get, they don't.
They're not invited to things.
And it justthey feel like they're left out a lot.
(08:02):
And, you know, that's not that uncommon.
And, you know, of course, all of us havevarying degrees of success with our kids
in these areas, but I think you've donea really good job, Jen,
in helping our children
develop some godly friendships.
(08:22):
So I would love it if you would takea few moments and just share,
some of the how that you've approachedsome of that with our kids.
Definitely.
Well, that's something that I've beenreally intentional with, with our kids.
We homeschool our kids.
And so we did identify that we wantour kids to have good friendships.
(08:43):
And, more importantly,we would love our kids to have just like,
one good friend.
Like,that was kind of what we started out with.
We just want each of our kidsto have one good friend.
Now, if they end up having a lotof really good friends, that's a bonus.
They do have a lot of good friends.
Our kids have,I would say, pretty large social circles.
But, you know, for a lot of years,especially with each of our children,
(09:08):
I was have been very intentional abouthoning in who is that one good friend?
And, starting with our oldest,I kind of had like a plan.
I had a little plan.
And, so sometimes I'll always say like,this is my formula.
If youif your kids don't have great friends
and you follow my formula, like,I'll hold up my right hand
(09:31):
and I'll be like, I solemnly swear,if you follow this formula,
your kid's going to have a friendbecause you can't go wrong.
So, here, here, here, here's my formula.
And it has worked wonderfully.
I have sharedthis numerous times with families
and they have all said, this works,this works.
So all right, now I'm really interested.
(09:52):
What's so, like little secret sauce here?
Okay.
So the first step is to identify families,that you think your kids can be friends
with so that you as a parent, me as a mom,
I would identifywho are families in our circle
that we see, that we rub shoulders withthat could be good friends with our kids.
(10:12):
So for me, that started outby finding kids at church.
It was children in Awana clubthat our kids were a part of.
It was at our homeschool events.
And so I would literally likeif Jay came home and he said,
hey,I like hanging out with Aiden at Awana.
(10:35):
I would, as mom, immediately
introduce myself to that momand then invite that mom over.
So invite the mom and their kids over.
And so what I would do isI would foster a playdate.
So outside of that,outside of that setting,
invite them overand I would bake something in the morning.
I would bake pumpkin bread and bake
(10:57):
something that morning,something that you can throw together.
Now, pumpkin bread is the recipethat you can you can curate for everybody.
So are you gluten free?
I can make gluten free pumpkin bread.
Are you dairy free? Got it.
I can make it so you can adapt the recipe.
What's your secret?
Go to and then I bake.
Okay, so then I have everybody over.
(11:17):
Mom, if they have other kids,come come come come over.
And so we let the kids play.
And then there's like a time of lettingthe kids play and spend time together.
And then I get to just, like,chat with the mom.
And, in that time, you can kind of
identify, like, are we going to be friendsor are we not going to be friends?
Is this it's like like a weirdalmost like a dating thing, you know,
(11:40):
like you want that love connection.
And at the end of the playdate, you know,you keep it short, you know, an hour,
an hour and a half.
Put an end time on the invitation, and then see how the kids do.
So you're initiating a friendshiprather than asking for an invitation,
and then afterwards,there's the evaluation.
So you can ask your child, how did it go?
(12:02):
Did you guys have fun,or did you get, like, a fist fight?
You know, like, how did it go?Nobody gets it for boys, right, boys?
Right. Are the girls.
What would the girlswhat would be the equivalent?
Be a little drama match?
I have no idea.
Crying, I don't know.
So, And you can kind of see.
And so I started doing thatwhen our kids were young.
The process of inviting and hosting
(12:22):
gets so easy once you do ita couple times, you it's a skill.
You have to kind of getthat under your belt, but then it's easy.
And so I've always been under the,
idea that, you know, everybody'swelcome at our home.
My home is not perfect all the time.
So I don't have thatlike crazy expectation.
Like it doesn'tneed to be perfectly clean.
(12:43):
Nobody's house is perfectly clean.
If you don't,
you mean people don't come overand be like, I love being at your house,
but you're you're you're walls were you'rewalls were dusty.
Nobody has judged me for like dog.
And if they do, if they come overand they judge you.
Those are not your people.Those aren't your people.
So afterwards you evaluate.
Did you like it?
(13:04):
Do you feel like you're alignedwith the mom?
Do you feel like the kids are aligned?Do you feel like it's a great fit?
If yes, then invite them over againor wait
for a reciprocal reciprocal invitationif they're if it doesn't gel,
if you feel like, maybe not,then move on, find somebody else.
But over the years,I have probably done this like 1
(13:25):
to 2 hour invitation for a playdateand like, coffee and pumpkin bread.
I don't know how many times have I donethat?
A hundred times.
She did it with me.That's how we got married.
You know, I just kid.
It just. It's a simple invitation.
It's a text that says, hey,do you want to come over?
Come on over. Yeah.
And so it's a simple invitation.
(13:46):
And the followup. And the thing is, is that
your kids
then each can then identify like,oh, I've had this shared relationship
with this childoutside of our environment.
And then when you go back into that classor that environment,
they have that shared connection.
And then the friendship bloomsfrom there.
(14:06):
So largely,one of the best ways to help your kids
develop friendships is involving yourselfand helping them do that.
So kind of like I said before, like,you know,
I didn't have a lot of great friends,but I didn't drive.
You know, I didn't you know,you're largely dependent on your parents.
Children are dependent on their parentsif they want to have a deep friendship.
(14:28):
And so we've been intentionalabout doing that.
All of our kids have great friendsand and,
sometimes people just need an invitation.
Like, you would feel loved if somebodyinvited you over to their home.
And so showing love to other peopleand part of just like making
friends is saying, come on over,come on over and come sit in my house.
(14:51):
And I don't know about you, but like,I feel good
when I go over to somebody's house
and they are just kind to meand they're themselves to me,
and it doesn't feel likethey're putting on a show.
But just like this authentic authenticitythat says,
oh, I'm welcome here with my kids,and it's fine and it's great.
So that and then also the idea ofjust being in one place for a long time.
(15:14):
So we've been fortunateto live in Minnesota.
We have not moved.
Well, we've moved houses,
we've moved houses,but we've we've been in the same
we've been in the samegeographical location, the same church.
And so friendships come also with time,
with time, longevity and and what we'veseen in our kids is that the friendships
(15:37):
that they made when they were young,when we were really intentional
about inviting people over into our homeand establishing those relationships
every single one of those relationshipshas stood the test of time so far.
Yeah.
And so our relationships that we started,
and it's a two way street, like I'mgoing to use Jay and Aiden as an example.
(16:00):
They are 19 years oldand they're still best friends.
And I still love Aiden's mom.Like a sister.
And so starting those friendshipswhen they're young, they have continued.
It's Asher and Peter,and it's Kate and Lydia and the
the those friendshipsjust go on and on and on.
So they have other friends too, you know?
(16:20):
But that was where I those werewhere I started with each of them.
And it's been just amazingto see and wonderful.
Yeah. So okay,so if I'm summarizing what you say.
Yeah. Sorry.
It's a word salad like it's observe.
Yeah. Identify.
And then initiate. Yeah. Initiate.
Don't be passive like you take the lead,
(16:41):
but sometimes we just wait, hopingthat it'll happen.
Yeah.
And that's been really criticalhospitality.
Like, open your home,
open your home, and then see what God doeswith see what God does with that.
That's good. Andyou might not be the right fit for them.
They might be coming over and being like,I don't know, not a good fit.
Yeah that's okay.
(17:02):
Yeah, yeah.
And I will say that longevityone is a pretty critical one.
That was really disruptive for both of us.
You just heard us say that, so we,you know, as a pastor, I've also seen,
the especially during like the late
grade school,teen years, doing a big move
across country is pretty disruptive
(17:24):
for, for young people.
It was for me.
And it took me years to get establishedback with relationships.
So sometimes it's unavoidable, of course,if it's work related.
But if it's just preference based, like,you know, we could, you know,
I could make another ten, 20, 30grand with a job at a different place
(17:46):
in the country.
Like, is it worth it relationallyand to leave a good church and a good,
good community?
Yeah.
Am I, you know.
Well, I'll just speak for us.
I can't speak for your personal decisionsin your life.
Our our choice has beenwe have a really good church.
We've been there for 15 years, I love it.
Phenomenal community.
(18:06):
And, and we've decided that that we're going
to make that the center of our family liferelationally.
And we're,you know, we're going to do everything,
unless, God,you know, if he's calling us to,
to something different,then we'll be obedient to that.
But if it's just a preference choice.
And that's been really
that's really, really great because nowfor our kids like on on Sunday morning
(18:30):
because they have such great relationshipsnot only with others their age,
but also with the adults in our church,they can't wait to go to church.
It's like, wait, I remember, there was
we live on a farmand we have a really long gravel driveway.
It's about a half a mile long.
And there was one night where we,
(18:53):
you know, Minnesota,we get a lot of snow sometimes.
And there was one night that a snowstormstarted, kind of like middle of the night.
Like, that's how it goes sometimes.
1 a.m., two a, and,you know, I'm looking at the
looking at the forecast being like,oh, man, this is we're going to wake up
on Sunday morning at like six, 7:00
and it is going to be,yeah, a half a mile.
(19:15):
We had just a snow and we just ran to the farm
and I didn't have any plowing serviceor anything.
So it was like, I have to clear thisa half a mile to get out.
And you know what I have?
I have a four Wheeler with a little teenyplow on the front of it,
and it snowed like,I don't know, 6 or 7in.
And I'm looking at this going, man,this is going to take like hours to like
(19:39):
dig ourselves out of this or whatever.
And the kids, I was like, I don't thinkwe can go this morning, guys.
It's too much.
And they were all like, oh, yeah.
I was like, hey, love to go to bed.
I'm like, all right,I'll bite the bullet. Here we go.
You know, I,we got it cleaned and got got to church.
It was, I there's no such thingsas small miracles,
(20:00):
but if it felt like one that get out,it was a big tent.
But but part of the driving motivationfor them wanting to be
there was the relationships
that had been developed over the years,and they valued so much.
And, you know,
that has been through intentionalitythat, that, that has happened.
So, cultivate that and,
(20:22):
you know, no guaranteesthat those will always be great lifelong.
But they have been,they've been such a blessing.
They've been such a blessing. Such a blessing. Yeah.
So, yeah,
the families, the parents, the otherparents pouring into our kids to.
Absolutely their parents. Yeah. It'snot just our parents.
It's not just friendships with typicallyfor our, for our family, it's been whole
(20:42):
family friendships, not just, with their,
with just, like, child to child here.
So we know their parents well
and we have become close friendswith the parents as well.
And so we do life as a family,as families together, which then feeds
into their friendships as well,that we generally genuinely
(21:04):
love being togetherand, spending time together.
And so just lots of opportunities, aswith anything, it takes time to develop
strong relationships and and so that, you know, that just happens.
But an encouragement thatif you're intentional about it and you
and you put yourself out there and do it,you can do it, you can do it.
(21:57):
All right.
Well, let's, let's shift to a different,segment here.
Okay.
Now it's time for a segmentthat we like to call,
Josh and Jan, we've got another question.
All right. You want me to read it? Sure.You can read it.
Okay. There you go. Here we go.
All right, here's the question.
It says we have a few friends,that we are working on leading to Christ.
(22:22):
We worry about the influence of themon our children sometimes.
How can we use this ministryto strengthen our children?
That's a great question.
It's a great question
because they're thinkingabout their own kids
while they're also thinkingabout leading others.
Yeah it's a nice like bothevangelism and friendship.
How does that work together.And those influences.
So I would say I would start by saying,
(22:48):
I think it's great.
We want our kids.
We want to train our kidsto share Christ with others
and to be mindful of the opportunitiesin that way.
I think a great way to do
that is to invite those individualsover to your home.
And so therefore,they're kind of under your watchful eye
(23:09):
or to be involvedkind of in your orbit as a family,
that you're kind of inviting them intosome of what you guys are doing.
And then that kind of setsjust a precedent around the kinds of,
behavior that is expected
and values, if that's possible.
You know, if it's on like, a sports teamor some kind of activities that,
(23:33):
you know, these friends are connectingthrough, then just having a presence
there yourself is, you know,I think that's a helpful piece.
I also think somewhat
about this topic, like I would,
the kind of the
relational principle for marriagenot being unequally yoked.
So there's, there is, there isI think there is aligned where we say,
(23:57):
the closest friends we want forour kids are Christians.
That would be like their coreinner circle.
And we would encourage that, that,that the core closest friends
that our kids have are followers
of Jesus Christ,kind of that equally yoked principle.
But as that moves outto concentric circles,
(24:19):
that'swhere these kinds of relationships fit in.
And we need to be, you know,I think we need to be careful
most Christians, if we're, if we're
we're operating according to Scripture,we don't encourage missionary dating. No.
And we want to be careful to encouragemissionary friendships as well.
(24:40):
And so I think there's some of thatthat happens from more of the acquaintance
side of things, that this would fit inmore of that category versus
the close friendship piece.
So, I, you know, I'm really mindfulwith children, especially in the formative
stages of their life,that evangelism is happening.
And it's, in part it's to our children.
(25:01):
Yeah, that they are still in the processhave even if they have responded
to the gospel, you know, they'rethey're constantly being formed to decide,
do I want to continue to believe thisand walk in God's ways?
And so, you know, there, as the Biblesays, they're like an olive shoot.
They're just, they're sapling,essentially, and they're easily bent.
(25:24):
And so, we can you can bend the saplingwhen it's younger and you can,
you know,if you've ever gotten young trees,
you literally can bend those branchesand this
and they can it'llit'll send them in the direction they go.
That tree goes for the rest of its life.Yeah.
You can't do that with an older treeor it's really difficult.
And so, you know, because of the powerof friendships on children, they're there.
(25:49):
Do I think there is wisdom in limitinghow much access time,
and what that looks likewith non-Christian kinds
of friends and encouraging,closest friends, Christian,
others and but but training childrento seize the opportunities
they have to share Christ with thosethat they come into contact with.
(26:13):
So yeah, I mean, evenjust thinking to like it,
it's a good opportunity to help your kidsflex those skills of things
like sharing the gospel, or identifying
what's good, what's right and wrong,and being able to articulate that.
And also like,you know, encouraging our kids, like,
(26:34):
I'm so glad you're friends with, you know,
Tyler, I don't know his name or Braydenor whatever his name is.
You know, I'mso glad you're friends with him.
And we we love him so muchthat we want him to know Jesus.
And we're going to share the gospel,and we're going to,
you know, show him those things,but also saying,
yeah, that there's a boundary there.
So this was me growing up by the way.
(26:56):
So I went to a non-Christian publichigh school, you know, just said
there's Coon RapidsHigh School, school, about 2000 students.
And, there was a very high school of 2000,
I helped leadthe Christian club in the school,
and we would haveit was really small, like ten kids.
Just was not a strongChristian presence in that high school.
(27:19):
When I was there.
So most of the people that I interacted
with, you know, in highschool were not Christians.
They, they they dubbed me Preacher boy.
But that was my that was my nickname,which I think it was.
You know,it wasn't a nice thing to say, but,
I remember I, I'd be eating lunchwith the soccer team.
I didn't play soccer.I was a baseball guy.
(27:39):
And they'd be talkabout all the stupid stuff
they were doing all weekendpartying and drinking and drugs.
And I was just like, you guys are dumb.
You're dumb.
Like, why?
Why are you doing that? Like,why are you doing that?
And I would, you know, I would interactwith that literally every day.
It was these kinds of individualsand I would share the gospel with.
(28:00):
I remember Brandon
coming to faith in Christ, and Mattcome into faith in Christ in high school,
and it's because it cultivatedthose relationships with them.
But they were not my closest friends.
They were, you know, my friends at churchwere those
that I spent the bulk of my time with,and that was an intentional decision.
And my parents did,you know, we would talk about at home
(28:22):
with our with my parents.
And we did this with our kids.
Help your kids discern some of the goodqualities and red flags in in there.
And we got to do this carefully.
You don't
you don't want to feel like you'reattacking their friendship over analyzing.
But we can make little like.
Yeah, you know, subtle commentsor ask a good question.
(28:43):
What do you think about. Yeah.
Can you not bring something to attentionthat I remember my parents saying,
one of my really close, friendsat youth group
at in high school,I remember them saying, my parents saying,
you know, we've got some reservations,Josh and I, you know, I was like,
no, I yeah, this person's awesome.
(29:04):
Well, this person has come outsince then as transgender
and completely hostileto the faith of Christ.
And I thought, you know, while my parentswere were pretty discerning about that,
I didn't see that I wasn't old enoughto really see that in my teens.
And, you know,now I'm sure if I, as an adult,
(29:24):
look back,I probably could have seen that as well.
But, those kinds of helping, our children
see some of the,
the good and the challenging things in a,you know, in a way
that they would receive, I think is,you know, it's a good thing to do.
Yeah. That's great. Yep. Okay. All right.
Well, what are some other thingsthat we can do to help our children
(29:46):
develop, some lasting friendships.
One of them we already talked about.
So prior, prioritizing churchis the center of relationships.
It does just provide a regular rhythmto see your friends.
If you're at church on Sunday,if you're at church on Wednesday,
if you're at church on
Tuesday, I mean, we're at churcha lot of days of the holidays.
(30:08):
Yeah.
And so if your friends are there,then church kind of becomes
that hub and, becomes like a flywheel,then that you it's that.
Yeah. That you just want to keep.
Yep. It perpetuates.
You just want to keep going.
In fact, we were with, some good friends last night,
and we have kind of got the girlsand I've gotten into this routine
(30:31):
of saying, when we leave,when am I going to see you next?
And, it's kind of funbecause now they're friends
and some of their moms have started askingme, well,
when am I going to see you next?
And it's like,oh, when are we going to church next?
We're going to see everybody.
So when we said goodbye last night,we were like, we'll see you on Sunday,
(30:51):
you know?
So it's that good.
It's a verbal it's it's a verbal thing
too, there like this recognitionthat we're going to see you at church.
So one of the assessment pieces for youto think about as a parent is,
where does your family liferevolve around?
And if it is athletics or academics,friendships
(31:12):
tend to formwith the individuals in those locations.
And then what ends uphappening is the individual,
you know,those friends will begin to pull,
our children into the relationshipsthat tend to be outside of church.
Oftentimes then they become a competingkind of, yeah,
componentwith the relationships at, at a church.
(31:35):
And so not that those are,
you know, obviously not bad athleticsor academic, kinds of things.
But, you know, just be mindful
if we're putting an emphasis,with our kids in all these different,
things that they're involved in, that'svery likely where they'll develop
their relationships and it'll it very wellcould drive them out of the church.
(31:56):
Yeah. Away from. Yeah.
And then they say,I don't have any good friends at church.
Well, I want to go.
Part of it's just where we've put,you know, where we've allowed kids
to spend their time.
And then that, generatestheir friendships as a result. Yep.
The next one we would sayis that the family is a really good
training groundfor how to develop healthy relationships.
(32:17):
Just,the kinds of interactions that we have,
as us as husband and wife,but also with sibling to sibling
and parent to child,that is teaching our kids
the kinds of healthy,relational principles that they can have
right now, but also that they can carryinto the adult years.
(32:41):
And of course, we could, talk about a ton of principles.
Scripturally, some of our favorite onesare the one another principles.
You know, there's I think there'sa hundred plus of those one another's,
you know, bear with one another, forgiveone another, serve one another loved one.
I mean, they're just there's athey're endless.
And those, you know, those we want towe want to take those principles
(33:04):
from Scripture.
And they they do need to drivehow we function in our relationships.
And, you know, sometimes they say nice,nice, nice guys, nice people finish last.
That's not true with relationships.
Relationships.
If you are a loving,kind, caring, person,
(33:25):
you tend to,tend to have good relationships and,
and so that, you know, of course,those come out of Scripture.
What what would another one be, Jen?
Well,just training our kids to identify godly
characteristics to look for in friends.
And of course, like the book of Proverbsprovides
(33:45):
so much wisdom abouthow do I identify a good friend?
And, you know what?
What having a good friendshipwould look like.
But then also at the same time,
what are some of the characteristicsof somebody who will not be a good friend?
Will that person, entice you away from
what is good or lure you into,you know, terrible behavior?
(34:08):
And so, there is so much wisdomin the Bible about finding a good friend.
But let's encourage our childrento, like,
put words towhat would have a good friend be like.
Yeah. So let's give some examples.
The Bible literally says, don'tspend time with an angry person a gossip.
Yes, disobedient.
Literally like don't, don't interruptbecause,
(34:31):
as the Bible says, a little leaven goes a long way.
We become like the people we spend timewith.
And so, you know, it's interesting.
I don't know if you've ever noticed,
have you ever seen one of your kidswho's sweet and caring and kind
and generally makes good choices, but thenthey end up spending time with a certain
somebody or certain friends, and they start making really bad choices.
(34:54):
And you see while they're, they arebeing influenced by those individuals.
And so, you know, that that's
we see that play outeven in our own lives.
So, you know, we, we,we don't want to dismiss
those kinds of, warnings in Scripture.
And then there's the the flip side,the kinds of people that we want
(35:16):
to encourage our children to be around.
You know, the godly people,those who fear the Lord, those that,
that are caring and kind and, and they're out there, you know,
sometimes it feels like
they're hard to find,but they're out there and they're worth,
you know, they're worth looking for and,and doing the hard work
(35:38):
to cultivate those kinds of,relationships.
And I think sometimes we just gotto put ourselves out there and be like,
I'd love, lovemy kids to, be friends with your kids.
Yeah.
And kind of plant that seedand be friends.
Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah.
Yes. What's another one? Josh?
We've really prioritizedour home as a center.
(36:01):
You mentioned it a little bit as aas a place for relationships to develop.
There's there's there's power in homeslike, there isn't in other places.
So of course, parks are fineand restaurants are fine.
But there is when we,when we're at our table,
when we're doing things in a home,it just carries a different level of,
(36:23):
engagement and interaction
and so we've communicatedwith our children
that our home is always open,that their friends are always welcome.
We have really prioritizedhaving great drinks and wonderful
food in the little available.
There's, you know,food is a secret weapon.
(36:44):
Find out what your kids and their friendslike and make it available.
We really prioritize eating healthy,organic, whole raw foods.
And even in doing that,there's really, really wonderful. Yum.
You know, when we buy mostof the ingredients, not processed foods.
So Jen will bake a lot andwe'll cook a lot and those kinds of home.
(37:06):
I mean, it's like you eat that stuff.
It's like, it's so good.
It's And so we have we have individualscome over often because of that.
Yeah.
And we have donea we've been really intentional
to plan and create thingsthat are on a yearly rhythm
that we do with our kidsand oftentimes than with their friends.
(37:31):
So I'll just mention a few of those,so you can see this wasn't the plan.
Like, we didn't have this master plan,but we didn't have this in doubt.
But it kind of turned into,
when my sons were little, we did, we just called that a father son camp out.
That was, 12 years ago or something.
You know, they're in their kind of earlybitty grade school years.
And so we invited a handful of dadsand their sons, and we literally through
(37:54):
tents up in the backyard.
This was the Friday night of Memorialweekend till noon on Saturday.
And we, you know,we did a bunch of just it's all guy stuff.
It's super fun stuff.
Yeah. And we did that.
And I was just in my head,I was like, that's a one and done thing.
And the next year my boys were like,are we doing the father son camp out?
(38:14):
You know, I
kind of like, I don't know, it'sa lot of work in my head.
They're like, come on, dad.
So we've been doing thatfor now for 12 years.
And there's, pretty big group of guysthat come my my dad comes their
grandfather, and they're, you know,they're still wanting to do it.
My son's in.
(38:34):
He's in college now, our oldest,and he still wants to do it.
You know,their college friends are coming.
It's, it's great.
We do different kinds of guy things.
But we dostill a lot of a lot of great guys stuff.
So, father son camp out.
We do a flag football league, that we'vedone a couple of years on Friday nights.
(38:56):
In the fall.
We do that for about eight, eight weeks.
We, we have felt sometimes that the best way
to get our kids involved in sports,you know, we miss backyard.
We kids don't have the chance to dobackyard sports like we did growing up.
You just get a pickup gamein, in, you know, with neighborhood kids.
And so we kind of have done thatwith fathers and sons, just a fun
(39:18):
kind of thing.
We do a fantasy football leaguewith our sons and their friends.
We do Christmas baking parties,
sledding in the yard,ringing the Salvation Army bell genders.
That way.
We've done a lot, bingonight, bingo nights.
And five years ago,we started what we call the man
(39:39):
co and the womanco and father son mother daughter
discipleship groups,that we meet September through May.
And, we just kicked our group off here
this fall, our fifth year for the guys,the fourth for the ladies.
And it's, you know, it's a group of the,
their friends, fathers,and daughters and mothers.
(40:01):
And that has been, been a huge, huge blessing.
But we, you know,we do these kinds of yearly rhythms now,
and these feed into the friendshipsthat they have and their,
you know, their friendships are deep andthey're impactful and they're wonderful.
As Jen said,we are really, really grateful for them.
(40:22):
Yeah.
All right. Last piece.
Healthy friendships. Jen.
They're not the goal.They're a byproduct.
Where do youwhere do healthy friendships come from?
Healthyfriendships are just a direct reflection
of our own relationshipwith Jesus Christ and our love for him.
So when we love him,
we then have the ability to to loveothers.
(40:44):
It's the gospel is our map,the gospel is our mirror.
And so as we point our kidstowards a relationship with Jesus Christ,
we're pointing them towards then sharingthat love with the people around them.
And so that is, that's the goal.
That's the goal.
(41:05):
It's loving God.
And then as a result, loving others.
I'll I'll end this one with a quoteby C.S.
Lewis.
He said it this waywhen I have learned to love God better
than my earthly dearest,I shall love my earthly dearest
better than I do now, in so far
as I learn to lovemy earthly dearest at the expense of God,
(41:28):
and instead of God,I shall be moving towards the state
in which I shall not lovemy earthly dearest at all.
So when, when first things are put
first, second, things then are suppressed, and,
but they are then increasedwhen God is at the forefront.
(41:50):
And so, love God, love others.
That's, that's,that's a huge, huge piece of it.
Yeah. The deal.
All right, all right.
Well, I hope this was helpfulfor some of you guys.
Thanks for joining us there.
Have some people over this weekand we'll see you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to the GospelSheep Family podcast.
(42:11):
Please share this episodeand give us a five star rating
wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Josh and I'm Jen.
Welcome to the GospelShaped Family podcast.
Each episode brings biblical wisdomand practical conversations
on parenting, marriage, and family,and we discuss
how to disciple the next generationwith a biblical worldview.
Whether you're raising children,shepherding a church, or longing
(00:20):
to build a legacy of faith in your home,this podcast is for you.
Join us as we explore how to shapehearts, homes, and churches
around the gospel,one conversation at a time.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the GospelSheep Family Podcast.
Hey, good to hear good to see you.
Good to see you.
(00:41):
Hello. How are you?
I'm doing good, I guess. Okay.
I think you were caught a little offguard there.
Good fun.
All right, well, today on our episode,we're talking about how to help
our children develop and maintain godly,
lasting friendships.
I love this topic. It's so much fun.
(01:03):
Did you have achildhood best friend, Josh?
You know, I don't think I did.
I had some, some friends in, so we, I,we moved a lot growing up.
I was born in Arizona.
Then we moved to Minnesota,
and then we moved to Texas.
(01:25):
We moved.
So I lived in Arizona two years, Texastwo years or Minnesota two years,
then Texas for 7 or 8and then back up to Minnesota.
My parents moved so much that, the ability
to develop friendshipsnever happened in that consistent.
I remember leaving Texas.
I was just like, right around the,the middle school age.
(01:48):
And I remember crying
because I was leaving my friends.
But, you know, those are thoseare elementary school kind of friendships
and, you know, they only get so deepin elementary school.
And so I came to Minnesota, new school.
Couple years.
And then my parents changed my school fromI was at a Christian school,
(02:13):
and then they, sent me to a public high school.
So then it was all new relationshipsagain.
Yeah.
And, and so that, you know,that really didn't happen in any deep
kind of waythroughout the childhood years.
So I had a couple friendsin the neighborhood, you know,
we grew up back in the daywhen you would actually like, go around,
(02:33):
you go out and play
until the streetlights turned on at night,
and then that was your timeto come in, or,
you know, you'd be riding your bikesall over the place.
You'd be in people's houses all over.
You know, Iwe had two friends in our neighborhood.
One was named they're both named Michael.
And so one was named Big Michael,and the other was Little Michael.
Okay.
And, you know, that was those were mythose were my closest friends growing up
(02:55):
just down the road,who we did everything with and. Yeah.
But yeah, that was hard moving was likethat was that took a toll on us.
How about you?
Well, my family also movedquite a bit when I was young, in fact,
I was thinking about itthat I think I went to between k 12.
I want to say it's eightdifferent schools.
I went to a lot of different schoolsbetween public school
(03:18):
and private school and home school,and we moved a little bit.
I will say, though,
that wherever I landed,I did make friends.
So I remember, like,stand out, like my friend Tina from,
you know, my days at the Christian schooland my good friend Chrissy from,
like my middle school and then friendsthat I made in high school, too.
(03:40):
So I think I was good at making friends.
But I don't know how good I wasat keeping friends,
but I think that that was just like,because of pure logistics, right?
Like there wasn't modern communicationlike we have today.
When you're young,you can't really drive.
And so, you know, you're dependenton your parents for those things.
(04:01):
So I would say I have great memoriesof times with friends.
But I don't think I had, like, a longlasting childhood
best friend that I would point toand be like, that was the person.
Do you have any friendships from childhoodthat have continued into adulthood?
Let me think.
You had Sonny and my friend Sonnyand she passed away.
(04:23):
She became my friendwhen she was in high school.
Yeah.
My friend Chrissy, who I was friendswith, like, in middle school.
I did kind of hang out with hera little bit, but I would say my most
lasting friendships are with my brothers,siblings, with my siblings.
Like, I have a hoot spending timewith both of my brothers.
They are so much fun.
(04:44):
And we were good friends in childhoodand so like,
now, honestly, like, when I think aboutwho, like, who's on my short list
I want to hang out with, like,both of my brothers are on the short list.
They. Yeah.
The friends, they're fun.
Your siblings become your best friendsthrough done well.
Yeah. One.
Right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,I had my closest friends.
Ended up being churchrelated in high school.
(05:06):
Yeah, from our youth group and those.
That was, that was a real blessingin life is interesting.
Many of those individuals, I would sayare either not walking with the Lord
or have very different views and valuesthan I remember them being raised
with today, today, and so, so they'rejust at a very different place in life.
(05:28):
And so thankful, though, for the church.
So, your friends are wonderful.
And they provide, of course,some of the greatest joys, but also,
some of the greatest challenges
that we have in lifewith, ourselves and our children,
they can lead tosome of the greatest hurts. Yeah.
(05:49):
And when we think about the most importantinfluences on the life of kids,
friends are probably top five, dependingdepending on what studies you look at.
You know, they end up coming in typicallyafter family, sometimes before
education and church, around the media, kind of influence level.
(06:12):
Pretty, pretty critical.
Of course, the Bible has a ton of things
to say about relationshipsand friendships.
Proverbs 27 nine tells us
that a sweet friendship refreshesthe soul.
That's true.
And we all have times when,when we need that.
(06:32):
And it's such a great encouragementto have those good friends.
It is, and the good thing, though, isI think my parents did a really good job
training with some just basic,relational skills in our home.
And so even though somy parents are in full time ministry,
that's why we moved a lot.
They were they worked with Campus Crusadeand now called crew.
(06:55):
So we were domestic missionaries,which is why we moved across the country.
Was it just because my parents were likethese nomads that wanted to move
all around there?
You know, there
we understood that as kids that there wasa there was a reason for the sacrifice.
But they they trained us,
well, relationally,some of these biblical principles so that,
(07:17):
when we ended up finally putting downroots,
it's been we've been able to develop,those great friendships in life now.
And it's been very good.
But one of the,one of the biggest elements
that I would hear from Pat, from parentsas a pastor,
is that their childdoes not have a close friend.
I mean, if I could I hear that all the time from parents,
(07:40):
and sometimes it's from familiesthat their child
looks like they're very popularand very bubbly and still struggle.
I remember one mom coming to me once andsaying, my child never gets phone calls.
They don't get, they don't.
They're not invited to things.
And it justthey feel like they're left out a lot.
(08:02):
And, you know, that's not that uncommon.
And, you know, of course, all of us havevarying degrees of success with our kids
in these areas, but I think you've donea really good job, Jen,
in helping our children
develop some godly friendships.
(08:22):
So I would love it if you would takea few moments and just share,
some of the how that you've approachedsome of that with our kids.
Definitely.
Well, that's something that I've beenreally intentional with, with our kids.
We homeschool our kids.
And so we did identify that we wantour kids to have good friendships.
(08:43):
And, more importantly,we would love our kids to have just like,
one good friend.
Like,that was kind of what we started out with.
We just want each of our kidsto have one good friend.
Now, if they end up having a lotof really good friends, that's a bonus.
They do have a lot of good friends.
Our kids have,I would say, pretty large social circles.
But, you know, for a lot of years,especially with each of our children,
(09:08):
I was have been very intentional abouthoning in who is that one good friend?
And, starting with our oldest,I kind of had like a plan.
I had a little plan.
And, so sometimes I'll always say like,this is my formula.
If youif your kids don't have great friends
and you follow my formula, like,I'll hold up my right hand
(09:31):
and I'll be like, I solemnly swear,if you follow this formula,
your kid's going to have a friendbecause you can't go wrong.
So, here, here, here, here's my formula.
And it has worked wonderfully.
I have sharedthis numerous times with families
and they have all said, this works,this works.
So all right, now I'm really interested.
(09:52):
What's so, like little secret sauce here?
Okay.
So the first step is to identify families,that you think your kids can be friends
with so that you as a parent, me as a mom,
I would identifywho are families in our circle
that we see, that we rub shoulders withthat could be good friends with our kids.
(10:12):
So for me, that started outby finding kids at church.
It was children in Awana clubthat our kids were a part of.
It was at our homeschool events.
And so I would literally likeif Jay came home and he said,
hey,I like hanging out with Aiden at Awana.
(10:35):
I would, as mom, immediately
introduce myself to that momand then invite that mom over.
So invite the mom and their kids over.
And so what I would do isI would foster a playdate.
So outside of that,outside of that setting,
invite them overand I would bake something in the morning.
I would bake pumpkin bread and bake
(10:57):
something that morning,something that you can throw together.
Now, pumpkin bread is the recipethat you can you can curate for everybody.
So are you gluten free?
I can make gluten free pumpkin bread.
Are you dairy free? Got it.
I can make it so you can adapt the recipe.
What's your secret?
Go to and then I bake.
Okay, so then I have everybody over.
(11:17):
Mom, if they have other kids,come come come come over.
And so we let the kids play.
And then there's like a time of lettingthe kids play and spend time together.
And then I get to just, like,chat with the mom.
And, in that time, you can kind of
identify, like, are we going to be friendsor are we not going to be friends?
Is this it's like like a weirdalmost like a dating thing, you know,
(11:40):
like you want that love connection.
And at the end of the playdate, you know,you keep it short, you know, an hour,
an hour and a half.
Put an end time on the invitation, and then see how the kids do.
So you're initiating a friendshiprather than asking for an invitation,
and then afterwards,there's the evaluation.
So you can ask your child, how did it go?
(12:02):
Did you guys have fun,or did you get, like, a fist fight?
You know, like, how did it go?Nobody gets it for boys, right, boys?
Right. Are the girls.
What would the girlswhat would be the equivalent?
Be a little drama match?
I have no idea.
Crying, I don't know.
So, And you can kind of see.
And so I started doing thatwhen our kids were young.
The process of inviting and hosting
(12:22):
gets so easy once you do ita couple times, you it's a skill.
You have to kind of getthat under your belt, but then it's easy.
And so I've always been under the,
idea that, you know, everybody'swelcome at our home.
My home is not perfect all the time.
So I don't have thatlike crazy expectation.
Like it doesn'tneed to be perfectly clean.
(12:43):
Nobody's house is perfectly clean.
If you don't,
you mean people don't come overand be like, I love being at your house,
but you're you're you're walls were you'rewalls were dusty.
Nobody has judged me for like dog.
And if they do, if they come overand they judge you.
Those are not your people.Those aren't your people.
So afterwards you evaluate.
Did you like it?
(13:04):
Do you feel like you're alignedwith the mom?
Do you feel like the kids are aligned?Do you feel like it's a great fit?
If yes, then invite them over againor wait
for a reciprocal reciprocal invitationif they're if it doesn't gel,
if you feel like, maybe not,then move on, find somebody else.
But over the years,I have probably done this like 1
(13:25):
to 2 hour invitation for a playdateand like, coffee and pumpkin bread.
I don't know how many times have I donethat?
A hundred times.
She did it with me.That's how we got married.
You know, I just kid.
It just. It's a simple invitation.
It's a text that says, hey,do you want to come over?
Come on over. Yeah.
And so it's a simple invitation.
(13:46):
And the followup. And the thing is, is that
your kids
then each can then identify like,oh, I've had this shared relationship
with this childoutside of our environment.
And then when you go back into that classor that environment,
they have that shared connection.
And then the friendship bloomsfrom there.
(14:06):
So largely,one of the best ways to help your kids
develop friendships is involving yourselfand helping them do that.
So kind of like I said before, like,you know,
I didn't have a lot of great friends,but I didn't drive.
You know, I didn't you know,you're largely dependent on your parents.
Children are dependent on their parentsif they want to have a deep friendship.
(14:28):
And so we've been intentionalabout doing that.
All of our kids have great friendsand and,
sometimes people just need an invitation.
Like, you would feel loved if somebodyinvited you over to their home.
And so showing love to other peopleand part of just like making
friends is saying, come on over,come on over and come sit in my house.
(14:51):
And I don't know about you, but like,I feel good
when I go over to somebody's house
and they are just kind to meand they're themselves to me,
and it doesn't feel likethey're putting on a show.
But just like this authentic authenticitythat says,
oh, I'm welcome here with my kids,and it's fine and it's great.
So that and then also the idea ofjust being in one place for a long time.
(15:14):
So we've been fortunateto live in Minnesota.
We have not moved.
Well, we've moved houses,
we've moved houses,but we've we've been in the same
we've been in the samegeographical location, the same church.
And so friendships come also with time,
with time, longevity and and what we'veseen in our kids is that the friendships
(15:37):
that they made when they were young,when we were really intentional
about inviting people over into our homeand establishing those relationships
every single one of those relationshipshas stood the test of time so far.
Yeah.
And so our relationships that we started,
and it's a two way street, like I'mgoing to use Jay and Aiden as an example.
(16:00):
They are 19 years oldand they're still best friends.
And I still love Aiden's mom.Like a sister.
And so starting those friendshipswhen they're young, they have continued.
It's Asher and Peter,and it's Kate and Lydia and the
the those friendshipsjust go on and on and on.
So they have other friends too, you know?
(16:20):
But that was where I those werewhere I started with each of them.
And it's been just amazingto see and wonderful.
Yeah. So okay,so if I'm summarizing what you say.
Yeah. Sorry.
It's a word salad like it's observe.
Yeah. Identify.
And then initiate. Yeah. Initiate.
Don't be passive like you take the lead,
(16:41):
but sometimes we just wait, hopingthat it'll happen.
Yeah.
And that's been really criticalhospitality.
Like, open your home,
open your home, and then see what God doeswith see what God does with that.
That's good. Andyou might not be the right fit for them.
They might be coming over and being like,I don't know, not a good fit.
Yeah that's okay.
(17:02):
Yeah, yeah.
And I will say that longevityone is a pretty critical one.
That was really disruptive for both of us.
You just heard us say that, so we,you know, as a pastor, I've also seen,
the especially during like the late
grade school,teen years, doing a big move
across country is pretty disruptive
(17:24):
for, for young people.
It was for me.
And it took me years to get establishedback with relationships.
So sometimes it's unavoidable, of course,if it's work related.
But if it's just preference based, like,you know, we could, you know,
I could make another ten, 20, 30grand with a job at a different place
(17:46):
in the country.
Like, is it worth it relationallyand to leave a good church and a good,
good community?
Yeah.
Am I, you know.
Well, I'll just speak for us.
I can't speak for your personal decisionsin your life.
Our our choice has beenwe have a really good church.
We've been there for 15 years, I love it.
Phenomenal community.
(18:06):
And, and we've decided that that we're going
to make that the center of our family liferelationally.
And we're,you know, we're going to do everything,
unless, God,you know, if he's calling us to,
to something different,then we'll be obedient to that.
But if it's just a preference choice.
And that's been really
that's really, really great because nowfor our kids like on on Sunday morning
(18:30):
because they have such great relationshipsnot only with others their age,
but also with the adults in our church,they can't wait to go to church.
It's like, wait, I remember, there was
we live on a farmand we have a really long gravel driveway.
It's about a half a mile long.
And there was one night where we,
(18:53):
you know, Minnesota,we get a lot of snow sometimes.
And there was one night that a snowstormstarted, kind of like middle of the night.
Like, that's how it goes sometimes.
1 a.m., two a, and,you know, I'm looking at the
looking at the forecast being like,oh, man, this is we're going to wake up
on Sunday morning at like six, 7:00
and it is going to be,yeah, a half a mile.
(19:15):
We had just a snow and we just ran to the farm
and I didn't have any plowing serviceor anything.
So it was like, I have to clear thisa half a mile to get out.
And you know what I have?
I have a four Wheeler with a little teenyplow on the front of it,
and it snowed like,I don't know, 6 or 7in.
And I'm looking at this going, man,this is going to take like hours to like
(19:39):
dig ourselves out of this or whatever.
And the kids, I was like, I don't thinkwe can go this morning, guys.
It's too much.
And they were all like, oh, yeah.
I was like, hey, love to go to bed.
I'm like, all right,I'll bite the bullet. Here we go.
You know, I,we got it cleaned and got got to church.
It was, I there's no such thingsas small miracles,
(20:00):
but if it felt like one that get out,it was a big tent.
But but part of the driving motivationfor them wanting to be
there was the relationships
that had been developed over the years,and they valued so much.
And, you know,
that has been through intentionalitythat, that, that has happened.
So, cultivate that and,
(20:22):
you know, no guaranteesthat those will always be great lifelong.
But they have been,they've been such a blessing.
They've been such a blessing. Such a blessing. Yeah.
So, yeah,
the families, the parents, the otherparents pouring into our kids to.
Absolutely their parents. Yeah. It'snot just our parents.
It's not just friendships with typicallyfor our, for our family, it's been whole
(20:42):
family friendships, not just, with their,
with just, like, child to child here.
So we know their parents well
and we have become close friendswith the parents as well.
And so we do life as a family,as families together, which then feeds
into their friendships as well,that we generally genuinely
(21:04):
love being togetherand, spending time together.
And so just lots of opportunities, aswith anything, it takes time to develop
strong relationships and and so that, you know, that just happens.
But an encouragement thatif you're intentional about it and you
and you put yourself out there and do it,you can do it, you can do it.
(21:57):
All right.
Well, let's, let's shift to a different,segment here.
Okay.
Now it's time for a segmentthat we like to call,
Josh and Jan, we've got another question.
All right. You want me to read it? Sure.You can read it.
Okay. There you go. Here we go.
All right, here's the question.
It says we have a few friends,that we are working on leading to Christ.
(22:22):
We worry about the influence of themon our children sometimes.
How can we use this ministryto strengthen our children?
That's a great question.
It's a great question
because they're thinkingabout their own kids
while they're also thinkingabout leading others.
Yeah it's a nice like bothevangelism and friendship.
How does that work together.And those influences.
So I would say I would start by saying,
(22:48):
I think it's great.
We want our kids.
We want to train our kidsto share Christ with others
and to be mindful of the opportunitiesin that way.
I think a great way to do
that is to invite those individualsover to your home.
And so therefore,they're kind of under your watchful eye
(23:09):
or to be involvedkind of in your orbit as a family,
that you're kind of inviting them intosome of what you guys are doing.
And then that kind of setsjust a precedent around the kinds of,
behavior that is expected
and values, if that's possible.
You know, if it's on like, a sports teamor some kind of activities that,
(23:33):
you know, these friends are connectingthrough, then just having a presence
there yourself is, you know,I think that's a helpful piece.
I also think somewhat
about this topic, like I would,
the kind of the
relational principle for marriagenot being unequally yoked.
So there's, there is, there isI think there is aligned where we say,
(23:57):
the closest friends we want forour kids are Christians.
That would be like their coreinner circle.
And we would encourage that, that,that the core closest friends
that our kids have are followers
of Jesus Christ,kind of that equally yoked principle.
But as that moves outto concentric circles,
(24:19):
that'swhere these kinds of relationships fit in.
And we need to be, you know,I think we need to be careful
most Christians, if we're, if we're
we're operating according to Scripture,we don't encourage missionary dating. No.
And we want to be careful to encouragemissionary friendships as well.
(24:40):
And so I think there's some of thatthat happens from more of the acquaintance
side of things, that this would fit inmore of that category versus
the close friendship piece.
So, I, you know, I'm really mindfulwith children, especially in the formative
stages of their life,that evangelism is happening.
And it's, in part it's to our children.
(25:01):
Yeah, that they are still in the processhave even if they have responded
to the gospel, you know, they'rethey're constantly being formed to decide,
do I want to continue to believe thisand walk in God's ways?
And so, you know, there, as the Biblesays, they're like an olive shoot.
They're just, they're sapling,essentially, and they're easily bent.
(25:24):
And so, we can you can bend the saplingwhen it's younger and you can,
you know,if you've ever gotten young trees,
you literally can bend those branchesand this
and they can it'llit'll send them in the direction they go.
That tree goes for the rest of its life.Yeah.
You can't do that with an older treeor it's really difficult.
And so, you know, because of the powerof friendships on children, they're there.
(25:49):
Do I think there is wisdom in limitinghow much access time,
and what that looks likewith non-Christian kinds
of friends and encouraging,closest friends, Christian,
others and but but training childrento seize the opportunities
they have to share Christ with thosethat they come into contact with.
(26:13):
So yeah, I mean, evenjust thinking to like it,
it's a good opportunity to help your kidsflex those skills of things
like sharing the gospel, or identifying
what's good, what's right and wrong,and being able to articulate that.
And also like,you know, encouraging our kids, like,
(26:34):
I'm so glad you're friends with, you know,
Tyler, I don't know his name or Braydenor whatever his name is.
You know, I'mso glad you're friends with him.
And we we love him so muchthat we want him to know Jesus.
And we're going to share the gospel,and we're going to,
you know, show him those things,but also saying,
yeah, that there's a boundary there.
So this was me growing up by the way.
(26:56):
So I went to a non-Christian publichigh school, you know, just said
there's Coon RapidsHigh School, school, about 2000 students.
And, there was a very high school of 2000,
I helped leadthe Christian club in the school,
and we would haveit was really small, like ten kids.
Just was not a strongChristian presence in that high school.
(27:19):
When I was there.
So most of the people that I interacted
with, you know, in highschool were not Christians.
They, they they dubbed me Preacher boy.
But that was my that was my nickname,which I think it was.
You know,it wasn't a nice thing to say, but,
I remember I, I'd be eating lunchwith the soccer team.
I didn't play soccer.I was a baseball guy.
(27:39):
And they'd be talkabout all the stupid stuff
they were doing all weekendpartying and drinking and drugs.
And I was just like, you guys are dumb.
You're dumb.
Like, why?
Why are you doing that? Like,why are you doing that?
And I would, you know, I would interactwith that literally every day.
It was these kinds of individualsand I would share the gospel with.
(28:00):
I remember Brandon
coming to faith in Christ, and Mattcome into faith in Christ in high school,
and it's because it cultivatedthose relationships with them.
But they were not my closest friends.
They were, you know, my friends at churchwere those
that I spent the bulk of my time with,and that was an intentional decision.
And my parents did,you know, we would talk about at home
(28:22):
with our with my parents.
And we did this with our kids.
Help your kids discern some of the goodqualities and red flags in in there.
And we got to do this carefully.
You don't
you don't want to feel like you'reattacking their friendship over analyzing.
But we can make little like.
Yeah, you know, subtle commentsor ask a good question.
(28:43):
What do you think about. Yeah.
Can you not bring something to attentionthat I remember my parents saying,
one of my really close, friendsat youth group
at in high school,I remember them saying, my parents saying,
you know, we've got some reservations,Josh and I, you know, I was like,
no, I yeah, this person's awesome.
(29:04):
Well, this person has come outsince then as transgender
and completely hostileto the faith of Christ.
And I thought, you know, while my parentswere were pretty discerning about that,
I didn't see that I wasn't old enoughto really see that in my teens.
And, you know,now I'm sure if I, as an adult,
(29:24):
look back,I probably could have seen that as well.
But, those kinds of helping, our children
see some of the,
the good and the challenging things in a,you know, in a way
that they would receive, I think is,you know, it's a good thing to do.
Yeah. That's great. Yep. Okay. All right.
Well, what are some other thingsthat we can do to help our children
(29:46):
develop, some lasting friendships.
One of them we already talked about.
So prior, prioritizing churchis the center of relationships.
It does just provide a regular rhythmto see your friends.
If you're at church on Sunday,if you're at church on Wednesday,
if you're at church on
Tuesday, I mean, we're at churcha lot of days of the holidays.
(30:08):
Yeah.
And so if your friends are there,then church kind of becomes
that hub and, becomes like a flywheel,then that you it's that.
Yeah. That you just want to keep.
Yep. It perpetuates.
You just want to keep going.
In fact, we were with, some good friends last night,
and we have kind of got the girlsand I've gotten into this routine
(30:31):
of saying, when we leave,when am I going to see you next?
And, it's kind of funbecause now they're friends
and some of their moms have started askingme, well,
when am I going to see you next?
And it's like,oh, when are we going to church next?
We're going to see everybody.
So when we said goodbye last night,we were like, we'll see you on Sunday,
(30:51):
you know?
So it's that good.
It's a verbal it's it's a verbal thing
too, there like this recognitionthat we're going to see you at church.
So one of the assessment pieces for youto think about as a parent is,
where does your family liferevolve around?
And if it is athletics or academics,friendships
(31:12):
tend to formwith the individuals in those locations.
And then what ends uphappening is the individual,
you know,those friends will begin to pull,
our children into the relationshipsthat tend to be outside of church.
Oftentimes then they become a competingkind of, yeah,
componentwith the relationships at, at a church.
(31:35):
And so not that those are,
you know, obviously not bad athleticsor academic, kinds of things.
But, you know, just be mindful
if we're putting an emphasis,with our kids in all these different,
things that they're involved in, that'svery likely where they'll develop
their relationships and it'll it very wellcould drive them out of the church.
(31:56):
Yeah. Away from. Yeah.
And then they say,I don't have any good friends at church.
Well, I want to go.
Part of it's just where we've put,you know, where we've allowed kids
to spend their time.
And then that, generatestheir friendships as a result. Yep.
The next one we would sayis that the family is a really good
training groundfor how to develop healthy relationships.
(32:17):
Just,the kinds of interactions that we have,
as us as husband and wife,but also with sibling to sibling
and parent to child,that is teaching our kids
the kinds of healthy,relational principles that they can have
right now, but also that they can carryinto the adult years.
(32:41):
And of course, we could, talk about a ton of principles.
Scripturally, some of our favorite onesare the one another principles.
You know, there's I think there'sa hundred plus of those one another's,
you know, bear with one another, forgiveone another, serve one another loved one.
I mean, they're just there's athey're endless.
And those, you know, those we want towe want to take those principles
(33:04):
from Scripture.
And they they do need to drivehow we function in our relationships.
And, you know, sometimes they say nice,nice, nice guys, nice people finish last.
That's not true with relationships.
Relationships.
If you are a loving,kind, caring, person,
(33:25):
you tend to,tend to have good relationships and,
and so that, you know, of course,those come out of Scripture.
What what would another one be, Jen?
Well,just training our kids to identify godly
characteristics to look for in friends.
And of course, like the book of Proverbsprovides
(33:45):
so much wisdom abouthow do I identify a good friend?
And, you know what?
What having a good friendshipwould look like.
But then also at the same time,
what are some of the characteristicsof somebody who will not be a good friend?
Will that person, entice you away from
what is good or lure you into,you know, terrible behavior?
(34:08):
And so, there is so much wisdomin the Bible about finding a good friend.
But let's encourage our childrento, like,
put words towhat would have a good friend be like.
Yeah. So let's give some examples.
The Bible literally says, don'tspend time with an angry person a gossip.
Yes, disobedient.
Literally like don't, don't interruptbecause,
(34:31):
as the Bible says, a little leaven goes a long way.
We become like the people we spend timewith.
And so, you know, it's interesting.
I don't know if you've ever noticed,
have you ever seen one of your kidswho's sweet and caring and kind
and generally makes good choices, but thenthey end up spending time with a certain
somebody or certain friends, and they start making really bad choices.
(34:54):
And you see while they're, they arebeing influenced by those individuals.
And so, you know, that that's
we see that play outeven in our own lives.
So, you know, we, we,we don't want to dismiss
those kinds of, warnings in Scripture.
And then there's the the flip side,the kinds of people that we want
(35:16):
to encourage our children to be around.
You know, the godly people,those who fear the Lord, those that,
that are caring and kind and, and they're out there, you know,
sometimes it feels like
they're hard to find,but they're out there and they're worth,
you know, they're worth looking for and,and doing the hard work
(35:38):
to cultivate those kinds of,relationships.
And I think sometimes we just gotto put ourselves out there and be like,
I'd love, lovemy kids to, be friends with your kids.
Yeah.
And kind of plant that seedand be friends.
Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah.
Yes. What's another one? Josh?
We've really prioritizedour home as a center.
(36:01):
You mentioned it a little bit as aas a place for relationships to develop.
There's there's there's power in homeslike, there isn't in other places.
So of course, parks are fineand restaurants are fine.
But there is when we,when we're at our table,
when we're doing things in a home,it just carries a different level of,
(36:23):
engagement and interaction
and so we've communicatedwith our children
that our home is always open,that their friends are always welcome.
We have really prioritizedhaving great drinks and wonderful
food in the little available.
There's, you know,food is a secret weapon.
(36:44):
Find out what your kids and their friendslike and make it available.
We really prioritize eating healthy,organic, whole raw foods.
And even in doing that,there's really, really wonderful. Yum.
You know, when we buy mostof the ingredients, not processed foods.
So Jen will bake a lot andwe'll cook a lot and those kinds of home.
(37:06):
I mean, it's like you eat that stuff.
It's like, it's so good.
It's And so we have we have individualscome over often because of that.
Yeah.
And we have donea we've been really intentional
to plan and create thingsthat are on a yearly rhythm
that we do with our kidsand oftentimes than with their friends.
(37:31):
So I'll just mention a few of those,so you can see this wasn't the plan.
Like, we didn't have this master plan,but we didn't have this in doubt.
But it kind of turned into,
when my sons were little, we did, we just called that a father son camp out.
That was, 12 years ago or something.
You know, they're in their kind of earlybitty grade school years.
And so we invited a handful of dadsand their sons, and we literally through
(37:54):
tents up in the backyard.
This was the Friday night of Memorialweekend till noon on Saturday.
And we, you know,we did a bunch of just it's all guy stuff.
It's super fun stuff.
Yeah. And we did that.
And I was just in my head,I was like, that's a one and done thing.
And the next year my boys were like,are we doing the father son camp out?
(38:14):
You know, I
kind of like, I don't know, it'sa lot of work in my head.
They're like, come on, dad.
So we've been doing thatfor now for 12 years.
And there's, pretty big group of guysthat come my my dad comes their
grandfather, and they're, you know,they're still wanting to do it.
My son's in.
(38:34):
He's in college now, our oldest,and he still wants to do it.
You know,their college friends are coming.
It's, it's great.
We do different kinds of guy things.
But we dostill a lot of a lot of great guys stuff.
So, father son camp out.
We do a flag football league, that we'vedone a couple of years on Friday nights.
(38:56):
In the fall.
We do that for about eight, eight weeks.
We, we have felt sometimes that the best way
to get our kids involved in sports,you know, we miss backyard.
We kids don't have the chance to dobackyard sports like we did growing up.
You just get a pickup gamein, in, you know, with neighborhood kids.
And so we kind of have done thatwith fathers and sons, just a fun
(39:18):
kind of thing.
We do a fantasy football leaguewith our sons and their friends.
We do Christmas baking parties,
sledding in the yard,ringing the Salvation Army bell genders.
That way.
We've done a lot, bingonight, bingo nights.
And five years ago,we started what we call the man
(39:39):
co and the womanco and father son mother daughter
discipleship groups,that we meet September through May.
And, we just kicked our group off here
this fall, our fifth year for the guys,the fourth for the ladies.
And it's, you know, it's a group of the,
their friends, fathers,and daughters and mothers.
(40:01):
And that has been, been a huge, huge blessing.
But we, you know,we do these kinds of yearly rhythms now,
and these feed into the friendshipsthat they have and their,
you know, their friendships are deep andthey're impactful and they're wonderful.
As Jen said,we are really, really grateful for them.
(40:22):
Yeah.
All right. Last piece.
Healthy friendships. Jen.
They're not the goal.They're a byproduct.
Where do youwhere do healthy friendships come from?
Healthyfriendships are just a direct reflection
of our own relationshipwith Jesus Christ and our love for him.
So when we love him,
we then have the ability to to loveothers.
(40:44):
It's the gospel is our map,the gospel is our mirror.
And so as we point our kidstowards a relationship with Jesus Christ,
we're pointing them towards then sharingthat love with the people around them.
And so that is, that's the goal.
That's the goal.
(41:05):
It's loving God.
And then as a result, loving others.
I'll I'll end this one with a quoteby C.S.
Lewis.
He said it this waywhen I have learned to love God better
than my earthly dearest,I shall love my earthly dearest
better than I do now, in so far
as I learn to lovemy earthly dearest at the expense of God,
(41:28):
and instead of God,I shall be moving towards the state
in which I shall not lovemy earthly dearest at all.
So when, when first things are put
first, second, things then are suppressed, and,
but they are then increasedwhen God is at the forefront.
(41:50):
And so, love God, love others.
That's, that's,that's a huge, huge piece of it.
Yeah. The deal.
All right, all right.
Well, I hope this was helpfulfor some of you guys.
Thanks for joining us there.
Have some people over this weekand we'll see you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to the GospelSheep Family podcast.
(42:11):
Please share this episodeand give us a five star rating
wherever you get your podcasts.
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