September 3, 2025 • 19 mins
Episode 34: My First Love
In this episode, I open up about something unexpected that happened during Pride weekend I ran into my very first love, the man I haven’t seen in more than 20 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first taste of what it meant to love and be loved by another Black man, and he helped shape the way I understood relationships moving forward.
I share the story of who we were back then, why we broke up, and what it was like to sit across from him decades later as two very different men. I talk about the beauty and pain of loving someone when you’re young, the regrets and lessons that linger, and how sometimes, what doesn’t last as romance can come back as something just as powerful a lifelong friendship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:14):
Let's roll up as a new high good.
Laughs.
Some good vibes is a safe space to talk about all the dope things that's on our mind.
From world philosophies.
We stay stylish.
Coming Rock with me is a good time.
We got the sauce to make champagne, which we reality.
Huh? We do it for the culture.
Gotta show him what we can't be.
This is the high life.
Yeah, we so fancy.
(00:35):
Keep it a GS We are family.
It's to a debutante with London Bambi.
Debutante.
Yo yo.
Yo yo.
What's up? Rock stars and friends.
(00:56):
Welcome to another episode of the Hood Debutante podcast with.
Me your host, London Bambi, and I know some of you are probably like, where the hell have you been? And I'm going to answer that question.
I'm going to answer that question, but before I answer that question, I want to ask you guys, how have you been? How have your summer been? I know my summer has been summer.
(01:23):
This summer I got a chance to go to Scotland and it was absolutely beautiful.
I've been really, really enjoying my summer.,
I had some high highs, some low lows, which I'll tell you about, but, Scotland, I went there for my birthday and it actually turned out to be incredibly wonderful and I went before their biggest festival in the world, which I did not know.
(01:48):
It was took place in Scotland, and I believe that festival is called French Fest, and it's a festival where they have.
I think they said it's over like 10,000, acts of performers.
It is something crazy like that.
It was a real high number.
And that month alone, 2 million people I believe visit Scotland.
So it explained why when I was booking my hotel, it was hard to find a hotel for this trip.
(02:13):
But I'm glad, I'm glad I found the space I stayed in because it.
Forced me to stay outside of city center, which I normally do, and it pushed me outside of my comfort zone.
But when I found out the festival was happening, my, one of my friends over there told me that most people come in about a week or two before to explore the city before the festival starts and after I landed back in America.
(02:37):
My timeline was inated with black Scottish people and black Scottish people.
And black Americans have been having a Kiki online.
And it has warmed my heart because oddly enough, and I'm just gonna say coincidentally, maybe, when I got back is when the connection happened.
And a lot of Black Americans said they didn't know there were black Scottish people, which I found hilarious within itself.
(03:02):
But yeah, like Black Americans and Scottish people are having a Kiki online.
I'm loving that because within our diaspora, that's not always the case.
You, there's a lot of other things going on with the diaspora I'm not gonna get into in this podcast, but I will say it is.
It feels good to see the love between two communities happening and yeah.
(03:23):
So as far as where I've been, this summer, because I did not plan on taking an extended break like I did, I know, I own a few podcast episodes back.
I told you guys, I was trying to figure out how to restructure this so I could balance my podcast with.
Other projects I have going on because I still have some more projects to flush out before the end of the year.
(03:47):
Went in Q3.
And, I've been trying to heavily focus on those other projects.
But what actually had me put this podcast on delay or on ice was, first I will say, I'll give you the bad news.
My baby died.
My, my dog, my dog feather.
For those of you know, I've had a dog for about 15 plus years.
(04:10):
She passed.
And yeah, I've been taking time to actually really mourn that.
Rule number one is.
On online is, if you don't want to talk about it, don't mention it.
So I decided I was going to take a break from online and not mention it until I was ready to kind of talk about it.
I'm still in that morning phase, I guess, because believe it or not, my baby, I've had her for 15 plus years and it's a loss.
(04:35):
It's, it's it, there's no other way to explain it.
Grief is weird and I'm normally a stoic person and I live here in New York, so I felt like.
A large part of my healing, I had to kind of compartmentalize because yo, you gotta get back to business, you gotta get back to work.
This is the city that never sleeps.
So one of the things I did was take my presence offline for a minute, just so I could just reflect on her, her time,, and how I'm feeling.
(05:02):
I have good days and I have bad days because obviously I really, really miss her.
Yeah, so that was part of it, part of the reason, that I took a break, the unintended break.
The other part of this is today about today's episode, and yeah, today's episode, if you follow me on Instagram, you probably already know it's titled.
(05:26):
My first love and before I dive into today's stories, I just want you guys to take time to think about your first love.
Think about the very first person you truly love, your very first relationship, your very first girlfriend or boyfriend.
Okay? Let that simmer.
(05:47):
If it's painful, you know, sit with it.
Hopefully, This episode will heal you If it's not, look back on it with fond memories.
Alright, so, yeah.
Now let me tell you this.
Sometimes life has a way of circling back, not to put you where you were, but to show you how far you've come.
(06:08):
A few months ago, right before my, the episode I posted before I took my break, it was prior weekend here in New York, and that was in June, and the universe spun the block on me.
Y'all out of a thousand people, the parades, the colors, the music, the noise.
I ran into my first love, my first boyfriend.
(06:33):
Okay? And when I say my first love, I don't just mean the first man I called my boyfriend.
I mean the first man I ever gave my heart to.
The one who helped shape how I would love going forward, the one who unknowingly set the tone for the kind of relationship I sought, the mistakes I repeated, the boundaries I learned to set.
(06:53):
And the crazy thing is.
The very next day we sat down face to face to talk, so.
We were two men who hadn't seen each other in over 20 years.
Two men who once shared a space full of love, tension, laughter, and disagreement.
We were young, we had passion.
We were going through the groin pains.
(07:14):
We were just two men who back then, we walked away from each other for completely different reasons.
Yet somehow decades later, the universe made sure we crossed paths again.
And that moment.
That moment right there was a mind fuck for me.
Y'all, I'm not gonna lie, I was going to upload a different episode the week after, but when I ran into him, it threw me off.
(07:39):
It, so many memories came flashing back.
So many feelings came rushing up.
I could say it changed me, not because it reopened.
Some do, but because it reminded me that love isn't always about ending.
Sometimes the love you once had burns itself into something else, something you don't even expect.
Like friendship, like gratitude, like wisdom.
(08:00):
So today we're gonna talk about first love about what it gives, what it takes away, how it shapes us, and how sometimes what doesn't last romantically can turn into something more powerful in the long run.
All right.
Let's go back in time.
Let's go all the way back to the beginning because I'm ready to talk about it.
(08:22):
Now I'm ready to talk about it.
Alright, now guys, so picture this.
I was young.
I was fresh to love, fresh to the whole ideal of building something real with another man.
And then I met him.
Now I'm gonna set, set the picture for you guys about my first boyfriend because.
He was unforgettable, still is chocolate skin.
(08:44):
He had muscles carved like an athlete, the kind of man who could walk in a room and make people turn their heads.
He had this glow about him.
He, he was, he was.
It was like, I'm trying to explain it.
It was like he was meant to be seen.
He loved the nightlife, he loved the energy of the club, the way people eyes lit up when he walked in a room.
(09:05):
The Frito of being surrounded by bodies, light and music and possibilities.
And then there was me.
I was different.
I didn't need the club.
I didn't need the flashing lights or the late nights.
I was perfectly fine staying home, creating warmth, creating a little sanctuary where we could just be us.
I leaned into being more domesticated.
I was the one who wanted to play house cooking, decorating, holding him clothes while the world outside spun on without us, we were opposite.
(09:33):
And maybe that's what drew us together back then, because when we were together, it felt like balance.
He was fire.
I was watered.
His chaos, my calm, his thirst for the world, my desire to just hold on to one small piece of it.
And because we were each other's first, love, everything felt new.
Every kiss, every touch, every argument, every reconciliation, it all carried the weight of the first time.
(10:00):
There's a purity in that.
To me, we didn't know the rules, so we made our own.
We didn't have roadmaps, so we created our own direction.
We gave each other something sacred.
The opportunity to love a black man fully, openly, without the world's definition telling us what it should or shouldn't look like.
It was love that felt like discovery to me.
(10:22):
Like the love felt like an invitation.
And at that time it felt enough to build on to build a future on, alright, but love at that age doesn't always mean that we wanted the same things.
So here's the truth.
We loved each other, but we weren't aligned.
And you guys know I'm all about alignment.
(10:43):
Even back then, I wanted stability.
I wanted to come home, close the doors, and know that I was building something steady.
I wanted to nurture, to build.
I wanted to have that kind of intimacy that grew roots.
He wanted freedom.
He wanted the night.
The adventure, the thrill of being out with friends, chasing a rush of youth.
He was still hungry for what the world outside of our doors could give him.
(11:06):
And as much as I loved him, I realized that if I held on too tightly, I would crush both of us.
So I did what was the hardest.
I let him go.
Yep.
And for some reason, I'm always the one letting somebody go.
I broke up with him, not because I stopped loving him, but because I loved him enough to let him live, to let him explore, to let him burn broadly in the spaces he craved to without I.
(11:32):
I didn't want to hold him back.
He was young, so I wanted him to, thrive and be out, be free.
And the last time I saw him back then was in a club right after we had broken up.
I can still see it.
I could see him glowing in the dark, his body moving to the music, surrounded by the life he loved.
And me, I was standing there knowing that the person I once shared a bed with and, Thought I was going to marry and have a life with was now just another figure in a crowded room.
(12:01):
That was the moment I knew our chapter was closed.
But first, loves don't just fade.
They leave a mark on you.
They leave lessons.
They linger in your chest in ways that you don't fully understand until years later and years later, two decades later, to be exact, the universe brought him back.
Okay.
(12:22):
Now, this summer Pride weekend, I wasn't looking for him.
I wasn't expecting him, but out of nowhere, there he was.
Two decades have passed 20 plus years of life, and in an instant we were back in that same space, breathing the same.
Of, it was odd when I seen him because I was there talking, sitting there with my friends on the corner and he just walked around and I couldn't believe it.
(12:48):
My heart dropped and I called his name and he looked at me.
His eyes lit up and then he just came and he grabbed me and it was just like we was looking at each other in shock.
I can tell as much as I was feeling, a lot of mixed emotions, he was as well because.
Oddly enough, I still know this man, which was surprising.
And we just sat there and pretty much didn't know what to say.
(13:12):
So my friends wanted to continue to party on.
They were like, yeah, girl, it's good you ran into your first love, but we still have a full night ahead of us.
And he was by himself.
So I think he wound up going back to his hotel because it was too much for him, and he doesn't drink now.
So we decided that the very next day we would sit down and talk and he came over.
(13:34):
So we were just, at that moment when he came over, we were just two men, no longer boys we're just facing each other after years of silence.
We talked about everything, the good, the bad, the obstacles, the struggles we both face since we split.
And then he says something that I will never forget.
He said to me, he said.
(13:56):
I regret not realizing how much you loved me.
I regret not knowing how good of a boyfriend you were.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have married you.
We wouldn't, we would've had an amazing life together.
Hearing this hit me like a wave because how many of us have wondered what could have been if our first love has chosen differently? He told me that he believed running into me was divine, that the universe was giving him a second chance.
(14:22):
He thought maybe we could spark something again, maybe relive the romance we once had, and me guys, me.
It's me and this mouth of mine.
I have to be honest.
As tough as it was in that moment when he opened up and was vulnerable.
i looked him in his eyes and I said, I am not the same man you fell in love with 20 years ago.
(14:42):
That version of me doesn't exist anymore.
I've grown, I've changed, and I cannot love you in the same way.
What I could offer was something different.
I could offer friendship, a bond, not based on passion or romance or romance, but respect, history, and something more grounded.
And then that's when I realized first love isn't always meant to return as romance.
(15:07):
I remember when I was telling him that, that that thought came across me of my mind.
I would say first loves they shape us.
The beauty is undeniable.
The, that first rush of desire, that first time someone holds your hand, the first time you feel chosen.
It's magic.
It's unforgettable.
It lives in your bones, but the shadow side is real too.
(15:30):
First, love teaches you heartbreak.
It shows you what it feels like to lose something you didn't think you could.
It set patterns for me.
It shaped how I approach relationships after him, how cautious I was, how much I gave, and how much I held back.
First.
Love is a teacher.
Sometimes it's gentle, sometimes it's brutal.
It forces you to face yourself, to learn what you want, to learn, what you can't tolerate, to learn the difference between a.
(15:57):
Holding on and letting go.
And here's the truth, first, loves rarely become, forever loves.
That's the hard truth.
And maybe that's the point.
They're not meant to be your ending.
They're meant to be your beginning.
And sometime they come back, not as lovers, but as something else.
When he told me he thought the universe was giving him another chance, I realized he was right.
(16:20):
But that second chance wasn't about rekindling romance.
It was about rewriting our ending.
It was about finding a new way to exist in each other's lives without pretending we could go back to who we were.
We didn't get married.
We didn't get the long romantic arc or the happy ending I thought we was going to have.
But what we got was this.
Two men who could look at each other in the eye after 20 years and say, I value you.
(16:45):
I respect you.
I honor you.
That part of my life you've shaped friendship can be just as sacred as romance, sometimes more, because it doesn't demand the same illusion.
It doesn't ask for the same sacrifices.
It allows both people to be fully who they are without expectations, and that to me is divine.
(17:06):
So what's the takeaway? My first love didn't become my favorite love, as you can tell, but he became a mirror.
He showed me who I was back then and who I am now, and maybe that's the role of first love, to mark us, to teach us, to show us that love doesn't always have.
To last to matter.
(17:27):
So if you're listening to this now, if you're still carrying your first love, whether you're longing for it with grief or with gratitude, ask yourself, what did that teach me? Who did I become because of them? What did I carry forward in? Each love after, because sometimes the point isn't to end up together.
Sometimes the point is to walk away wiser.
(17:50):
Sometimes the point is to find something else along the way and sometimes love that you thought was lost, comes back in a new form.
Remind you that growth is the truest kind of love of all.
Now rock stars.
I want to thank you for joining me on another episode of The Hood Debutante.
(18:10):
This one was kind of vulnerable for me, but I had to share it.
It, and that's why it also took so long because I was literally mindfuck when I ran into this Man.
Run Into Your First, unless you run into Your First Love before, and I love deeply.
It took a while for me to figure out how to record this pod podcast episode without giving away.
(18:31):
Too much of what we talked about, and I also wanted to respect him because I know he's still a semi-private man.
So if you ever reconnected with your first love or if you're still holding them in your heart in some way, I want, I want to hear your story, please let me know.
I know I'm not the only one out here.
Share with me.
Feel free to dm.
Tag me in your story.
You could tag me at London Bambi or at the Hood debutante, and let's keep this conversation going about our first love.
(18:58):
All right, so I'm glad to be back.
Until next time, guys, love you deeply.
Release what, when you must and always honor your growth.
I'm l Bambi, and this is another episode of the Hood Debutante podcast.
With that being said, I am signing off and I love you guys, and again, thank you for supporting me.
(19:22):
Bye.
Let's roll up as a new high good.
Laughs.
Some good vibes is a safe space to talk about all the dope things that's on our mind.
From world philosophies.
We stay stylish.
Coming Rock with me is a good time.
We got the sauce to make champagne, which we reality.
Huh? We do it for the culture.
Gotta show him what we can't be.
This is the high life.
Yeah, we so fancy.
(00:35):
Keep it a GS We are family.
It's to a debutante with London Bambi.
Debutante.
Yo yo.
Yo yo.
What's up? Rock stars and friends.
(00:56):
Welcome to another episode of the Hood Debutante podcast with.
Me your host, London Bambi, and I know some of you are probably like, where the hell have you been? And I'm going to answer that question.
I'm going to answer that question, but before I answer that question, I want to ask you guys, how have you been? How have your summer been? I know my summer has been summer.
(01:23):
This summer I got a chance to go to Scotland and it was absolutely beautiful.
I've been really, really enjoying my summer.,
I had some high highs, some low lows, which I'll tell you about, but, Scotland, I went there for my birthday and it actually turned out to be incredibly wonderful and I went before their biggest festival in the world, which I did not know.
(01:48):
It was took place in Scotland, and I believe that festival is called French Fest, and it's a festival where they have.
I think they said it's over like 10,000, acts of performers.
It is something crazy like that.
It was a real high number.
And that month alone, 2 million people I believe visit Scotland.
So it explained why when I was booking my hotel, it was hard to find a hotel for this trip.
(02:13):
But I'm glad, I'm glad I found the space I stayed in because it.
Forced me to stay outside of city center, which I normally do, and it pushed me outside of my comfort zone.
But when I found out the festival was happening, my, one of my friends over there told me that most people come in about a week or two before to explore the city before the festival starts and after I landed back in America.
(02:37):
My timeline was inated with black Scottish people and black Scottish people.
And black Americans have been having a Kiki online.
And it has warmed my heart because oddly enough, and I'm just gonna say coincidentally, maybe, when I got back is when the connection happened.
And a lot of Black Americans said they didn't know there were black Scottish people, which I found hilarious within itself.
(03:02):
But yeah, like Black Americans and Scottish people are having a Kiki online.
I'm loving that because within our diaspora, that's not always the case.
You, there's a lot of other things going on with the diaspora I'm not gonna get into in this podcast, but I will say it is.
It feels good to see the love between two communities happening and yeah.
(03:23):
So as far as where I've been, this summer, because I did not plan on taking an extended break like I did, I know, I own a few podcast episodes back.
I told you guys, I was trying to figure out how to restructure this so I could balance my podcast with.
Other projects I have going on because I still have some more projects to flush out before the end of the year.
(03:47):
Went in Q3.
And, I've been trying to heavily focus on those other projects.
But what actually had me put this podcast on delay or on ice was, first I will say, I'll give you the bad news.
My baby died.
My, my dog, my dog feather.
For those of you know, I've had a dog for about 15 plus years.
(04:10):
She passed.
And yeah, I've been taking time to actually really mourn that.
Rule number one is.
On online is, if you don't want to talk about it, don't mention it.
So I decided I was going to take a break from online and not mention it until I was ready to kind of talk about it.
I'm still in that morning phase, I guess, because believe it or not, my baby, I've had her for 15 plus years and it's a loss.
(04:35):
It's, it's it, there's no other way to explain it.
Grief is weird and I'm normally a stoic person and I live here in New York, so I felt like.
A large part of my healing, I had to kind of compartmentalize because yo, you gotta get back to business, you gotta get back to work.
This is the city that never sleeps.
So one of the things I did was take my presence offline for a minute, just so I could just reflect on her, her time,, and how I'm feeling.
(05:02):
I have good days and I have bad days because obviously I really, really miss her.
Yeah, so that was part of it, part of the reason, that I took a break, the unintended break.
The other part of this is today about today's episode, and yeah, today's episode, if you follow me on Instagram, you probably already know it's titled.
(05:26):
My first love and before I dive into today's stories, I just want you guys to take time to think about your first love.
Think about the very first person you truly love, your very first relationship, your very first girlfriend or boyfriend.
Okay? Let that simmer.
(05:47):
If it's painful, you know, sit with it.
Hopefully, This episode will heal you If it's not, look back on it with fond memories.
Alright, so, yeah.
Now let me tell you this.
Sometimes life has a way of circling back, not to put you where you were, but to show you how far you've come.
(06:08):
A few months ago, right before my, the episode I posted before I took my break, it was prior weekend here in New York, and that was in June, and the universe spun the block on me.
Y'all out of a thousand people, the parades, the colors, the music, the noise.
I ran into my first love, my first boyfriend.
(06:33):
Okay? And when I say my first love, I don't just mean the first man I called my boyfriend.
I mean the first man I ever gave my heart to.
The one who helped shape how I would love going forward, the one who unknowingly set the tone for the kind of relationship I sought, the mistakes I repeated, the boundaries I learned to set.
(06:53):
And the crazy thing is.
The very next day we sat down face to face to talk, so.
We were two men who hadn't seen each other in over 20 years.
Two men who once shared a space full of love, tension, laughter, and disagreement.
We were young, we had passion.
We were going through the groin pains.
(07:14):
We were just two men who back then, we walked away from each other for completely different reasons.
Yet somehow decades later, the universe made sure we crossed paths again.
And that moment.
That moment right there was a mind fuck for me.
Y'all, I'm not gonna lie, I was going to upload a different episode the week after, but when I ran into him, it threw me off.
(07:39):
It, so many memories came flashing back.
So many feelings came rushing up.
I could say it changed me, not because it reopened.
Some do, but because it reminded me that love isn't always about ending.
Sometimes the love you once had burns itself into something else, something you don't even expect.
Like friendship, like gratitude, like wisdom.
(08:00):
So today we're gonna talk about first love about what it gives, what it takes away, how it shapes us, and how sometimes what doesn't last romantically can turn into something more powerful in the long run.
All right.
Let's go back in time.
Let's go all the way back to the beginning because I'm ready to talk about it.
(08:22):
Now I'm ready to talk about it.
Alright, now guys, so picture this.
I was young.
I was fresh to love, fresh to the whole ideal of building something real with another man.
And then I met him.
Now I'm gonna set, set the picture for you guys about my first boyfriend because.
He was unforgettable, still is chocolate skin.
(08:44):
He had muscles carved like an athlete, the kind of man who could walk in a room and make people turn their heads.
He had this glow about him.
He, he was, he was.
It was like, I'm trying to explain it.
It was like he was meant to be seen.
He loved the nightlife, he loved the energy of the club, the way people eyes lit up when he walked in a room.
(09:05):
The Frito of being surrounded by bodies, light and music and possibilities.
And then there was me.
I was different.
I didn't need the club.
I didn't need the flashing lights or the late nights.
I was perfectly fine staying home, creating warmth, creating a little sanctuary where we could just be us.
I leaned into being more domesticated.
I was the one who wanted to play house cooking, decorating, holding him clothes while the world outside spun on without us, we were opposite.
(09:33):
And maybe that's what drew us together back then, because when we were together, it felt like balance.
He was fire.
I was watered.
His chaos, my calm, his thirst for the world, my desire to just hold on to one small piece of it.
And because we were each other's first, love, everything felt new.
Every kiss, every touch, every argument, every reconciliation, it all carried the weight of the first time.
(10:00):
There's a purity in that.
To me, we didn't know the rules, so we made our own.
We didn't have roadmaps, so we created our own direction.
We gave each other something sacred.
The opportunity to love a black man fully, openly, without the world's definition telling us what it should or shouldn't look like.
It was love that felt like discovery to me.
(10:22):
Like the love felt like an invitation.
And at that time it felt enough to build on to build a future on, alright, but love at that age doesn't always mean that we wanted the same things.
So here's the truth.
We loved each other, but we weren't aligned.
And you guys know I'm all about alignment.
(10:43):
Even back then, I wanted stability.
I wanted to come home, close the doors, and know that I was building something steady.
I wanted to nurture, to build.
I wanted to have that kind of intimacy that grew roots.
He wanted freedom.
He wanted the night.
The adventure, the thrill of being out with friends, chasing a rush of youth.
He was still hungry for what the world outside of our doors could give him.
(11:06):
And as much as I loved him, I realized that if I held on too tightly, I would crush both of us.
So I did what was the hardest.
I let him go.
Yep.
And for some reason, I'm always the one letting somebody go.
I broke up with him, not because I stopped loving him, but because I loved him enough to let him live, to let him explore, to let him burn broadly in the spaces he craved to without I.
(11:32):
I didn't want to hold him back.
He was young, so I wanted him to, thrive and be out, be free.
And the last time I saw him back then was in a club right after we had broken up.
I can still see it.
I could see him glowing in the dark, his body moving to the music, surrounded by the life he loved.
And me, I was standing there knowing that the person I once shared a bed with and, Thought I was going to marry and have a life with was now just another figure in a crowded room.
(12:01):
That was the moment I knew our chapter was closed.
But first, loves don't just fade.
They leave a mark on you.
They leave lessons.
They linger in your chest in ways that you don't fully understand until years later and years later, two decades later, to be exact, the universe brought him back.
Okay.
(12:22):
Now, this summer Pride weekend, I wasn't looking for him.
I wasn't expecting him, but out of nowhere, there he was.
Two decades have passed 20 plus years of life, and in an instant we were back in that same space, breathing the same.
Of, it was odd when I seen him because I was there talking, sitting there with my friends on the corner and he just walked around and I couldn't believe it.
(12:48):
My heart dropped and I called his name and he looked at me.
His eyes lit up and then he just came and he grabbed me and it was just like we was looking at each other in shock.
I can tell as much as I was feeling, a lot of mixed emotions, he was as well because.
Oddly enough, I still know this man, which was surprising.
And we just sat there and pretty much didn't know what to say.
(13:12):
So my friends wanted to continue to party on.
They were like, yeah, girl, it's good you ran into your first love, but we still have a full night ahead of us.
And he was by himself.
So I think he wound up going back to his hotel because it was too much for him, and he doesn't drink now.
So we decided that the very next day we would sit down and talk and he came over.
(13:34):
So we were just, at that moment when he came over, we were just two men, no longer boys we're just facing each other after years of silence.
We talked about everything, the good, the bad, the obstacles, the struggles we both face since we split.
And then he says something that I will never forget.
He said to me, he said.
(13:56):
I regret not realizing how much you loved me.
I regret not knowing how good of a boyfriend you were.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have married you.
We wouldn't, we would've had an amazing life together.
Hearing this hit me like a wave because how many of us have wondered what could have been if our first love has chosen differently? He told me that he believed running into me was divine, that the universe was giving him a second chance.
(14:22):
He thought maybe we could spark something again, maybe relive the romance we once had, and me guys, me.
It's me and this mouth of mine.
I have to be honest.
As tough as it was in that moment when he opened up and was vulnerable.
i looked him in his eyes and I said, I am not the same man you fell in love with 20 years ago.
(14:42):
That version of me doesn't exist anymore.
I've grown, I've changed, and I cannot love you in the same way.
What I could offer was something different.
I could offer friendship, a bond, not based on passion or romance or romance, but respect, history, and something more grounded.
And then that's when I realized first love isn't always meant to return as romance.
(15:07):
I remember when I was telling him that, that that thought came across me of my mind.
I would say first loves they shape us.
The beauty is undeniable.
The, that first rush of desire, that first time someone holds your hand, the first time you feel chosen.
It's magic.
It's unforgettable.
It lives in your bones, but the shadow side is real too.
(15:30):
First, love teaches you heartbreak.
It shows you what it feels like to lose something you didn't think you could.
It set patterns for me.
It shaped how I approach relationships after him, how cautious I was, how much I gave, and how much I held back.
First.
Love is a teacher.
Sometimes it's gentle, sometimes it's brutal.
It forces you to face yourself, to learn what you want, to learn, what you can't tolerate, to learn the difference between a.
(15:57):
Holding on and letting go.
And here's the truth, first, loves rarely become, forever loves.
That's the hard truth.
And maybe that's the point.
They're not meant to be your ending.
They're meant to be your beginning.
And sometime they come back, not as lovers, but as something else.
When he told me he thought the universe was giving him another chance, I realized he was right.
(16:20):
But that second chance wasn't about rekindling romance.
It was about rewriting our ending.
It was about finding a new way to exist in each other's lives without pretending we could go back to who we were.
We didn't get married.
We didn't get the long romantic arc or the happy ending I thought we was going to have.
But what we got was this.
Two men who could look at each other in the eye after 20 years and say, I value you.
(16:45):
I respect you.
I honor you.
That part of my life you've shaped friendship can be just as sacred as romance, sometimes more, because it doesn't demand the same illusion.
It doesn't ask for the same sacrifices.
It allows both people to be fully who they are without expectations, and that to me is divine.
(17:06):
So what's the takeaway? My first love didn't become my favorite love, as you can tell, but he became a mirror.
He showed me who I was back then and who I am now, and maybe that's the role of first love, to mark us, to teach us, to show us that love doesn't always have.
To last to matter.
(17:27):
So if you're listening to this now, if you're still carrying your first love, whether you're longing for it with grief or with gratitude, ask yourself, what did that teach me? Who did I become because of them? What did I carry forward in? Each love after, because sometimes the point isn't to end up together.
Sometimes the point is to walk away wiser.
(17:50):
Sometimes the point is to find something else along the way and sometimes love that you thought was lost, comes back in a new form.
Remind you that growth is the truest kind of love of all.
Now rock stars.
I want to thank you for joining me on another episode of The Hood Debutante.
(18:10):
This one was kind of vulnerable for me, but I had to share it.
It, and that's why it also took so long because I was literally mindfuck when I ran into this Man.
Run Into Your First, unless you run into Your First Love before, and I love deeply.
It took a while for me to figure out how to record this pod podcast episode without giving away.
(18:31):
Too much of what we talked about, and I also wanted to respect him because I know he's still a semi-private man.
So if you ever reconnected with your first love or if you're still holding them in your heart in some way, I want, I want to hear your story, please let me know.
I know I'm not the only one out here.
Share with me.
Feel free to dm.
Tag me in your story.
You could tag me at London Bambi or at the Hood debutante, and let's keep this conversation going about our first love.
(18:58):
All right, so I'm glad to be back.
Until next time, guys, love you deeply.
Release what, when you must and always honor your growth.
I'm l Bambi, and this is another episode of the Hood Debutante podcast.
With that being said, I am signing off and I love you guys, and again, thank you for supporting me.
(19:22):
Bye.
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