February 21, 2024 • 39 mins
In this engaging episode of 'Mercy on Display', our hosts Mark and Cindy welcome Rick and Theresa, a couple who are committed to fostering healthy marriages through their initiative, Marriage Team. Their charming 31-year long relationship journey is shared, packed with wisdom about maintaining a robust and prosperous marriage, insights on the vital importance of communication, and more.
The couple lays stress on the significance of continuing learning and growth in every relationship. They share their unique insights into creating a personalized 'playbook' for every marriage, reflecting the best 'plays' from both partner's upbringing. Moreover, they delve deep into the importance of seeking professional help or guidance during marital problems, underlining the significance of acting before reaching the brink of divorce to maximize effectiveness.
In the shared ambition of curating healthier church relationships and addressing inevitable life injuries, this podcast emphasizes the importance of maintaining an attitude of putting the other above oneself, extending care and love without any bounds. It chronicles anecdotes of sacrifices and compromises that have fortified the couple's bond over the years.
The episode also explores a spiritual dimension, stating how God's mercy plays a pivotal role in resolving disputes and disagreements. While emphasizing on the paramount importance of Jesus's teachings in their marriage, the importance of individual relationships with Jesus for growing closer as a couple is highlighted. The discussion underlines the significance of constant prayer, fellowship and shared bible study sessions as a couple.
For individuals navigating tumultuous married lives or contemplating stepping into this sacred bond, the seasoned couple extends their guidance. They emphasize on the significance of early marital coaching and its potential of equipping couples to effectively navigate through life's ups and downs. Furthermore, Rick and Theresa underscore the power of modelled behavior for children and the responsibility held by couples to set positive marital life examples.
By expounding on the importance of reading the Holy Scripture and letting the Holy Spirit guide one's life, the podcast urges its listeners to take a leap of faith towards marital success and nurture their thriving relationships. Join us to explore the intricate dynamics of Christian marriage in this episode packed with a warm and insightful discussion.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Hello i'm mark and i'm cindy and
we're the hosts of mercy on display a storytelling podcast about god's mercy
in people's lives from dating to marriage parenting to careers and everything
in between we hope you'll be inspired encouraged and grounded in god's purpose.
Music.
For your own life we're glad you're here thanks for joining us.
(00:44):
Hello rick and theresa thank you so much for being here hi it's our pleasure
we had the opportunity of entering alan ray before this and it was a wonderful
introduction to what what Marriage Team is.
So we're very excited to have you guys here today and kind of get into maybe
a little bit of the details and have you guys share a little bit more about
(01:07):
Marriage Team and your experience with Marriage Team.
So our audience will get to know you a little bit better. Can you share a little
bit more about yourself?
Where did you grow up and how did you meet?
Well, I grew up in Battleground, Washington. And I grew up in North Portland.
And we met on a beach in Oregon called, well, on a beach in Oregon called Gearheart.
(01:30):
Near Seaside, yes. Near Seaside, Searside. Yeah, Seaside.
We were at a church youth retreat. I was coming out of high school into college,
and he was leader there and just kind of connected.
And we were friends for about five or six years before we started dating.
So yeah, I was on the college age ministry, and we had this thing where we introduced
(01:51):
the high school and to the college age when they were seniors.
So we had a retreat together.
And so I met her. She was walking down the beach with her sister,
with a young man playing a recorder through his nose. So he rescued us.
And I said to myself, these girls need help.
That is a true story. That is a very interesting story. Interesting way to meet.
(02:15):
Exactly. Exactly. So starting a little bit with your backstory,
how was your dating life?
Were there any struggles on your way to marriage?
Well, because we had been friends for so long, I'd say five,
six years we were friends. I was friends with the family.
We hung out, did a lot of things together that I think the only thing that was
(02:36):
difficult for us was maybe the transition in the parents or the family's eyes
of friendship to actual dating.
So, and that was a transition for us as well.
We were actually, the way it kind of began is we were, I was,
of course, I like Teresa, but I was, she was studying for her,
for an exam and I was helping quiz her.
(02:58):
And I was coming over every night, helping her quiz. And then we were kind of
done and she was taking her test.
And then we were sitting on the couch in their living room and somehow our hands
just gravitated towards each other and we were holding hands.
And I don't think either one of us really realized it. It was just like a natural
thing. And then one of her sisters walked in the room and said,
are you guys holding hands?
(03:19):
And we both jumped to the other side of the couch and said, no.
That's really funny. And then we kind of realized from that point,
well, maybe there's something here.
Wow. And so how long have you been married? We've been married for 31 years, last January.
Well, 31 years is a really long time. That's awesome. And how many children
(03:39):
do you have? We have three.
Okay. We had one each 10 years. No, just kidding.
They're age 28 26 and 24
we have two grandkids your family dynamic when you were dating and you were
getting to know each other did you have other examples of marriages that helped
(04:02):
nurture your marriage or things that you said well i don't want that in my marriage my parents were.
Very affectionate towards one another and so I think
that was one thing that I thought this is what marriage is about
and so Rick had opposite examples as
parents both of our parents my parents are still alive and still married and
(04:24):
his passed away but were married throughout their lives we had examples of long
marriages no divorce in either one of our in either one of our lives so So,
from a standpoint of our parents.
Oh, that is a blessing. Yeah. That you get to see the length and commitment for one another.
Right. That leads us to the next question. And how and why did you begin working with Marriage Team?
(04:51):
Well, I don't know how many years ago it was. Probably about 15 years ago.
We were maybe longer, maybe 20 years ago. I was frustrated by,
we were leading Bible studies and we were involved in the church and we were
just frustrated by the fact of how many marriages were dissolving into divorce.
And so I just kind of got frustrated and said, listen, if anyone's thinking
(05:14):
about divorce, I want to meet with you personally and see what the problem is
to see if I could bring reconciliation.
But then through that process, we quickly, I quickly learned and we quickly
learned together other as a couple, meeting with the husband and wife that,
you know, life is difficult and past sins were really difficult.
(05:36):
And the burdens upon the marriages were more than we could handle by just simply talking to them.
We weren't successful in that, even though we met with a few different couples
and tried to convince them that this is a wrong approach, a wrong way to go in life.
And then as time went on, we were doing that a little bit from time to time.
(05:56):
But for marriage team. And we thought, wow, what that's about.
So we signed up and we did the training and then we've been doing that ever since.
And we found that the, because of the curriculum for marriage team is so strong
that it really helps us have a format to kind of lead couples through and to
really find real resolve.
(06:18):
It gives them so many tools that they can use to to rebuild their damaged marriages,
rebuild the sin that's in their life, that it's really effective.
If people will commit to it, of course, life's consequences and things still come into play.
And some marriages are, because unfortunately, people don't seek help in their
(06:39):
marriages until they're on the brink of divorce, which is unfortunate.
If they would seek help before that, it would be even more successful.
But a lot of the couples we get literally are signing divorce papers and like
oh, let's try this one last thing and By that time there's a lot of hurt.
There's a lot of just baggage. So sometimes I.
(07:00):
You can't get through all that stuff. You know, it's just too far gone.
We've had a lot of couples say, I wish I would have done this 10 years ago because
it would have taught them communication skills and taught them how to interact
with one another and come up with what marriage team calls plays that they can
work into their marriage that would make it more effective.
(07:21):
And with communication and with the Holy Spirit in a marriage relationship,
I don't think that divorce is really necessary.
Yes. And we've actually had some couples also say, this should be a required
course five years after you're married. Every marriage should have to take this.
You know, because it is, it just, I think a lot of us come into marriage just naive.
(07:46):
You know we don't we see it but
we don't understand the behind the scenes because obviously your
parents don't share with you every conversation they have growing up you're
kind of an outsider to that so yeah we in my example of my parents they kept
their conflict out back in the bedroom it wasn't like talked about so we didn't
(08:08):
it wasn't modeled to us how to actually,
do conflict fairly.
Yeah, I think that can happen in a lot of families. I know that my parents,
like they did everything possible. They were learning how to be married.
You know, I think everybody isn't
just born. I know exactly what to do and everything is trial and error.
And so I didn't really get to see how to problem solve, how to make peace.
(08:35):
Either they, you know, like Like you said, we hid that behind closed doors or
if it was confrontational, it wasn't pretty.
And so growing up, I thought the louder you are, the more likely you're going to win this argument.
And I remember being the first year of marriage with Mark and I raised my voice
at him. And that was the first time that someone said, why did you do that?
(08:58):
And it just shattered everything. And from that moment on, I have never raised my voice at Mark.
I came to realize that I could communicate effectively if I took the time to
slow down, to pray, and to remember that I'm serving my husband with love and
(09:19):
that he is doing that too.
And how can we conflict, resolute in a better way? So it's really great that
you already had that in your marriage and that you wanted to teach others how to do so.
I don't know that we actually learned quite a bit as we go.
You know, they always say the teacher learns more than the students.
So I think even as we've gone through the process of coaching other couples,
(09:42):
we've learned a lot about our marriage and we use the tools today in our marriage.
You know, so you never stop learning as a married couple.
But and obviously we were we had a little bit of a step ahead but they're still
beneficial and you can use these same tools that marriage team teaches not just
with your marriage relationship but with other relationships you have work relationships
(10:06):
parent child relationships,
child parent relationships so i love the detail that you pointed out that you never stop learning.
I feel like mindset matters so much in our relationships, and there's relationships
all around us with what you just covered and you pointed out,
(10:26):
from your personal relationship with your spouse,
with your kids, with your work, with your community.
And I think the moment that we make a decision inside that I think I know my
profession or I think I know my spouse or my kid or my community or whatever that might be.
Or my God. Oh, wow. Or my God.
(10:50):
That one was huge. That's big. Definitely. And I feel like that might cause
us to slow down or close up or feel like that, well, that you're not open to
learning about tools that are around you.
With Teresa, something that you mentioned a little earlier about communication,
having those tools in a marriage to where it seems like listening to you guys
(11:14):
that are so vital on success, like building blocks and a foundation for a couple
to learn how to work together, how to.
And having a, I guess, a playbook that you're able to work through together.
One of the illustrations that Marriage Team gives in the very beginning is the
(11:36):
illustration of that you come from two different like football teams.
You know, maybe you're from the 49ers and you're from San Francisco Seahawks.
So your whole life you've grown up in this team and the quarterback,
maybe your dad is the quarterback, has run these plays.
You know, you know the play. And then when you get married, your husband runs
a play and you go down the field and turn right, but he and his family always turn left on that play.
(12:02):
So then you guys are finding yourself at an impasse. You're like,
what is going on? That's not the way you run that play. play.
You're supposed to run the play this way. But the cool thing about marriage
is you get to create your own new playbook together.
So you're going to take the plays from your families and you say,
we like this play, but we don't like this play.
We want to change this one a little bit. We kind of like the concept of it,
(12:24):
but we want to make some additions or changes to it.
So you get to create that own playbook for your marriage. And I think when people
understand that, they kind of to get excited oh my goodness this is reminding
me of how do you cut a mango this sounds really funny but.
I'm from Latin America, so I felt that I knew how to cut a mango.
(12:45):
And Mark is watching me. He's like, that's not how my mom cut a mango.
And then we went on to an argument about what's the right way.
And a lot of pride on my end of like, well, I'm from Latin America. I know how to cut a mango.
Look, our mangoes come from my country to you.
And next thing you know, there's just argument.
(13:09):
And then it's not even about the mango. It's about that he saw how things were
done in his family one way, but I felt they were done in a certain way.
And it took us probably several months to realize that it was really because
we it's not about being right.
It's about just being accepting of somebody else's different way of doing things.
(13:32):
And it was like the simplest thing, like a mango. And then we had the same argument
about banana within that same month before we realized that it was,
how is it that we can communicate better and accept each other's differences
and be able to be okay with appreciating each other?
And the real issue is, how are you going to teach your children to cut a mango?
(13:55):
That's true. We've learned since then. But we're still learning.
And I really want to see how the mango should be cut now. Now,
this has created all this curiosity inside of me.
That's a whole other podcast. Just on mangoes.
So we actually were curious, what's the number one issue you learned to tackle together as a team?
(14:20):
We kind of thought about that. And, you know, in our life, it wasn't really about marriage.
It was more a lot about external relationships. And actually,
I think some of the hardest struggles we've had are with the church relationships.
But we've learned to tackle that. And I think the secondary one would probably be...
Probably injuries and learning how to care for one another through different
(14:43):
things that happen in life because it's just reality.
Yeah, caring for one another, I think that's something that I've seen other
marriages kind of neglected.
I know in the beginning we were very self-centered, like even sharing fries was like a big no.
(15:05):
But then we've learned Mark didn't share food with anyone.
You know, he grew up with old boys and then he learned that it's OK to share a fry with your wife.
And then it became just one basket. You know, it takes time.
Teresa's taking a look at Rick.
Oh, it reminded me of a story when we had maybe five, six years into our marriage.
(15:27):
I was eating french fries with him and we were sharing.
And I said, don't you really like these really, really crunchy ones?
And he said, I don't know. My wife eats them all.
Oh. I never get the crunchy ones.
That's love, though, I feel like. He sacrificed for me.
That's about marriage, seriously, is about sacrificing. Sometimes you're a little bit uncomfortable.
(15:51):
You know, the example for us is we have a bird. His name is Mr. Vivo.
Mr. Vivo has this most beautiful song, but when he's in the season of mating, he'll get very loud.
Loud and at first time it was very annoying for me but i saw the joy in my husband's
face because he loves birds and that little guy makes me happy because he has
(16:12):
a very special bond with this bird and it makes me happy how much love and care
he puts into this little guy and so that makes me,
realize that it's worth having the bird in that particular time of the year
be a little bit louder and i'm like that's okay i'm just gonna put some praise
music and sing along with the bird you know,
Maybe some noise-canceling headphones.
(16:35):
So we would like to ask you, where and when did God's mercy show up in your marriage?
God's mercy has shown up in our marriage in the
little things because a lot of times we get frustrated
with one another when we're in pain or when we're irritated or when we're tired
and just cares of life and you just might say something like that you shouldn't
(17:01):
be saying or not use a skill that you know you're supposed to be using that
you've learned from marriage team and you just kind of do it wrong.
And then you have to realize my spouse is on my team.
He has the best will towards me. He didn't intend to do something.
And likewise, he has to think I didn't intend to do that. And in that,
(17:24):
you concentrate on who he is, not the thing that he did to me or the words that he said.
And so you kind of just think not about the negative things that are like mistakes
or accidents, but about who we are in our relationship.
Relationship it reminds me of an old petra song
i don't know if you guys know this one um don't let your heart be
(17:45):
hardened early in our marriage i would think this song and kind of pray it at
the words of the chorus is don't let your heart be hardened don't let your love
grow cold may it always be so childlike may it never grow so old don't let your
heart be hardened may it always always know the cure,
keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure.
(18:09):
So I think to keep mercy, God shows his mercy in our relationship when we humble
ourselves and we submit to God and realize that our spouse didn't really intend
to do that and that he is more than that little mistake that's made.
And to remember that we are good-willed towards each other and we are a team.
(18:30):
And so to be quick to forgive and to let those things go, I think,
is what I took away from that. It's important.
Oh, that's really beautifully said. And that song is so ideal for a reminder.
I think every day we actually have one Corinthians, I don't remember what chapter it is.
Thirteen. Thirteen. The love chapter. Yes, and it's in all three of our languages,
(18:55):
in English, Russian, and Spanish.
When we get upset and we'll go into our
bedroom because we're we've been
working on this so it's been when we get upset we'll avoid conflict so we'll
separate and then we come back and problem solved but he'll go or i'll go into
the bedroom and this huge poster that our friend gave us a wedding gift is right
(19:17):
there and we look at it and it says love is patient love is kind and as I'm reading it,
I'm slowing down or he's slowing down.
He shared that in the last episode too, that we really have to come to the Lord
and remind ourselves that he forgave us and anything that your husband can do.
(19:39):
It's not about you being right or them being right. It's about are you wanting
and willing to work this out?
Are you wanting and willing to forgive this person? And that's beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, those are some of the things that Cindy and I had to learn these last
couple of years with everything you pretty much shared.
And it's just, it's in the little things and to where you see God's mercy shows
(20:03):
up to where, like Cindy said, you know, the Lord loved us first, forgave us first.
And seeing that poster, reading those verses, and you're able to take a step
back emotionally. the comments, you're like, okay, okay.
It's not about Mark being right right now. It doesn't matter what my goal is
where I think that Cindy was incorrect or I'm correct or vice versa.
(20:26):
But the question is.
Do I love the Lord? Do I love my wife? In the long term, what is it that I want for my marriage?
It reminds me of a scripture that I've always used in Lamentations 3.22.
It says, through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed because of his compassions
(20:49):
fail not. They are new every morning.
And I think that's just a cool verse because it tells us that the Lord is like,
He wipes our slate every day, and then every day it's new to us.
His mercies are new to us.
So, yeah, you failed yesterday, but today's a new day, you know,
is basically what that scripture is telling us, is that we can look at our marriage the same way.
(21:11):
You know, yeah, we made some mistakes, and we failed, and we've hurt each other,
but we get to have a restart, and we can do that every day.
And I think it's important that we keep the soil of our heart soft,
soft because if it becomes bitter or if there's hard things or rocks in there
that we don't allow God to remove or circumstances to remove,
(21:33):
then we can't be forgiving.
And it's more difficult to be an example to your kids in your marriage relationship.
I love that. Wow, what an analogy. Yeah, I love the amount of times that you've
been going to sharing about the heart and it being as ground and soil,
the importance of it with just like what you just mentioned about having it soft.
(21:57):
And I realized, oh man, that makes so much sense to where if we allow our heart
to harden and the kind of impact that it has, you know.
Pretty quickly. Quickly could be, I guess, from a time span of one year,
five years, or ten years.
But if you're allowing your heart to harden and allowing forgiveness to take
(22:21):
place, allowing the Lord to work through it, work through your heart. Our question is for you.
How is Jesus in the middle of your marriage?
Well, I think that the analogy we would use on that is that the same analogy
we learned when we were married, when we were counseling to first become married.
And the pastor said to us, the key in every marriage is both of you having a
(22:44):
strong relationship with Jesus and it's like a pyramid.
So if Jesus is at the top of the pyramid and you're both growing towards Jesus,
you're going to grow closer to each other. So I think the key for our marriage
is always our relationship independently with the Lord.
And so, and that, cause that brings healing, that brings comfort,
that brings all the things we need as a couple to be a healthy couple together.
(23:09):
If, and I, so I think the Bible speaks about being unevenly yoked and that is
why it's so problematic because if one person has a strong relationship with
Jesus, but the other person does, it just doesn't work as well.
So, or it doesn't work at all, really.
And so, we try to fake it, but there's that imbalance there.
So, for us, our relationship with Jesus has always been the key,
(23:32):
independently, our relationship with Jesus.
There's actually the same analogy one of our pastors used when we were initially
doing premarital counseling, and we've kept that too.
And it's great to see another couple have that in their marriage and working.
That's something that we encourage our friends to when, you know,
(23:55):
we'll hear something is wrong, that you have to get close to the Lord and then
you'll be closer to your spouse.
And that I think in some marriages, or not even marriages, but dating relationships nowadays.
You always think, especially being a woman, I can't speak for men,
but as a woman, you can put your boyfriend or your spouse ahead of Jesus.
(24:18):
You want their needs met before anybody else's
or you I remember being a very toxic relationship before I
met Mark and it was at that level of I put
this person first I need to be like serving that person well or I need to be
mindful of their schedule whatever that's going on and I didn't really have
a relationship with the Lord I didn't really know the Lord back then and now
(24:42):
that I'm completely new and I get to be with my husband, I remember,
remind myself, spending time with the Lord, that's where I will find peace and
joy and everything I need to be equipped to bring that into my marriage and
that I can pour that love and joy into my house.
Because without it, I don't think we would have any success.
(25:05):
We're so much easier to get along with when we have a good relationship with Jesus.
It's true. And in the relationship you described, it's kind of like you've placed
an idol in your life. And so God is a jealous God.
So he doesn't allow any idols.
And so. That's true.
You know, you mentioned being individually yoked. So what are some biblical
(25:29):
principles that you practice in your marriage? Sure.
We do a lot of Bible studies independently, and then together we lead a Bible study.
We pray over every meal.
Am I missing anything? I think it's just the daily way that we live.
It's really centered around what we believe, which is God's Word.
(25:53):
So when we're fellowshipping with people, it's always about God's Word.
And obviously we do have fun too. too.
Not that God's word isn't fun. But yeah, we try to just foster that.
I think it's the little things in life that I think prayer before meals is such
a lot of families, I think, struggle in our culture today, even having meals
(26:17):
together, let alone ever praying.
So I think that's really important. What we found is really successful is through
our whole, with our kids growing up, That was always something that we kept
as a priority, is that we're going to meet together as a family,
we're going to eat together, and we're going to open that time in prayer.
We also use that as ministry opportunities when we're out and about at restaurants.
(26:41):
We'll often say, which we started doing probably about two years ago,
is when we're praying, we'll ask the waiter or waitress, Hey,
we're going to be praying for our food.
Is there anything we can pray for you about when we're doing that?
And we found that that is just opens up a lot of doors because people are so
(27:01):
thankful that you would just think about them and want to pray about them.
And it's amazing the things that they'll share with you about their lives and ask for prayer for.
Yeah. And that came from Ignite America with McGuire. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's wonderful. I love that idea. I know that we've been trying to.
Listen to the Holy Spirit when he prompts us to go up to someone and pray.
(27:24):
And that can be a little nerve wracking, you know, because you're in the middle
of a store or you don't know anybody, you don't even know that person.
I kind of wish I would have a chance to acknowledge that person more often so
I could build a relationship before I get to even ask.
But doing that at a mealtime where you're just busy and working,
just getting a chance to slow down sounds like a great idea.
(27:46):
Barry McGuire uses this analogy where we learn that from is that he says,
as Christians, we need to listen for the nudge and then live in the fog.
And so the nudge is all of us Christians know like God's kind of poking at you
and saying, you know, talk to that person, pray for that person, do something.
And so you listen to that, you act on that, and then you live in the fog,
(28:07):
which is the faithfulness of God. God.
So we don't know what happened in that person's life the moment before we were
in their life, and we don't know what's going to happen the moment after we
leave their life, but we're only faithful for that one moment. That's our job.
We just listen to the nudge and live in the fog, and God is faithful,
and He is working over time and constantly by His Holy Spirit in every life
(28:29):
on the face of the planet. Wow.
That's amazing. So to wrap up, the reason we started talking talking about this
is that doing ministry together in marriage, I think draws us closer together.
That's wonderful. And with that being said, what is one issue that you often
see in couples that you get the opportunity to serve and help them through their difficulties?
(28:54):
Gosh, I would say one of the biggest issues that we've seen in the Christian
community is people not being in the Word of God.
As Christians, they live their lives, they go to church, spend time with friends,
they go to work, but they never crack open the Word of God.
They may even read spiritual books.
(29:15):
They may digest spiritual books, and they may think that they know the Word
of God from those, but so often they don't.
And when they actually start to read the Word of God, the Word of God changes them from inside out.
And so that's probably the thing that we've found has been most effective.
If we can just get people to commit to reading the Word of God every day,
(29:39):
every day of their life, the Holy Spirit then is able to grab onto them and change them.
But in coaching marriages through marriage team,
I think the biggest aha that the team is learning is communication and how they
speak to one another and how they listen and realizing that if they can change that,
(30:01):
then because they're committed to one another, they wouldn't be here.
If they can walk that through and listen and understand, then that changes their
marriage rapidly as well. So that leads us to the next question then.
What advice do you have for those that are currently single and or those who
are currently married but struggling with their spouses?
(30:24):
Well, if they're currently married and struggling with their spouses,
they should contact the local marriage team office and start getting coaching.
That would be the best thing. Besides, of course, continuing their relationship
with the Lord and really pouring themselves into that.
I think to tell them, the marriages that are struggling, that there's hope and
(30:46):
that Jesus cares about you guys.
And the curriculum doesn't, it will work for non-Christians,
but there's a lot of depth and the skills and such are biblically based.
That God cares about your marriage.
And if you commit to it and you allow the Holy Spirit to change you,
(31:07):
and if you're willing to submit or to love differently, then your marriage can be a success.
And I think the key to remember is that we didn't invent marriage. God invented marriage.
It's His whole ordinance. So for the single person, I would say, be patient.
God has a plan for you. don't step out ahead of God, but just continue to build
(31:32):
that relationship because a woman or a man who is faithful to the Lord is very attractive.
And so a lot of times the world tells us that is not true, but that is very
true because along with that faithfulness to the Lord, you get all these other
character traits that are built into that humility and kindness and love.
(31:53):
And so as those are being built in the person, who would not want to be with
a person that starts to exhibit all these traits?
I love that. I think that actually gives me an answer to why I was attracted to my now husband, Mark.
He was so committed to the Word and I was so far away from him and I wanted to know him. him.
(32:16):
And so when I saw Mark and the relationship he had with the Lord and he was
seeking him out and he wanted to know him more,
not only was I very impressed by the love and discipline he had and being in
the word and knowing the Lord,
but I also felt that I want that type of relationship where I get this unending
(32:36):
love from the Lord and this guidance and his wisdom.
And I was very very jealous. And I mentioned that in the previous episodes too,
that I just wanted what he had with the Lord, but I was very,
very touched in the way that he was so kind and gentle and slow to anger because
he was modeling what he read from the Lord.
(32:59):
So I hope that for those who are single, they consider working that relationship
with the Lord first and the Lord will bring the the right person to them. So, yeah.
Thank you so much for sharing everything that you have. And I feel like there's
such wonderful gold nuggets from throughout all through the entire interview,
and especially at the end with Rick, with what you pointed out is that those
(33:23):
traits will come with you.
They will be wrapped around you.
It's the job of the Holy Spirit that's doing the transformation inside the person's
heart, mind, their character, changing the way that maybe you've loved yesterday.
Teaching you how to love in a new way that's pure, sincere.
(33:45):
I think that these are such a wonderful guidance for a lot of those that are
single and those that are couples as well.
And hopefully all our listeners that are listening,
if they are struggling in their marriage, and something that you actually just
shared with us a little bit earlier today is that that those that unfortunately
(34:07):
wait 10 years and they think, well, let's give this thing,
marriage teamwork, this coaching, a try.
But if you feel like you're on day one, year one, year three,
year five, but you see that maybe your playbooks are not aligning,
that it's just you do things in different ways.
(34:30):
The way you need to cut an avocado or a banana.
Don't even get me started on that. I'm just kidding. And these are just very
small, you know, of course, humorous examples, but.
I feel like it's just, it's small actions, but there's small seeds that can
be planted as well. It starts somewhere.
And how do you take care of your heart? How do you take care of that soil?
(34:54):
And do we wait long enough to where the ground gets hard?
Plenty of weed, plenty of rocks. And that might become a little bit troublesome
to try to get through, not only for a coach, let alone your creator as well. well.
I think it's really important for young couples to consider coaching early in
their marriage just because life has seasons.
(35:17):
And so I kind of look at like, you're going to go through, you're going to get
married and you're going to have that honeymoon phase, which then is going to end.
And then you're going to find out that he doesn't know how to cut an avocado
and everything's going to go crazy.
And then you're going to have that season then where you're kind of growing
and learning about each other.
But then you're going to move, for a lot of couples, they're going to move into
(35:38):
a season of raising children.
And that's going to last, you know, for 10 to 15 years.
And that's a real desert time because you're both working so hard.
You have so many responsibilities and everything is going to be challenged in those times.
So, if you can, at the beginning of your marriage, get some strong tools so
that you can make it through that desert period where it is so lean,
(36:01):
you can draw upon those and the Lord.
And then after children, you're going to have another time of,
because what we also find in marriages as general, a lot of couples,
they get married, then they have children and they go through that whole season,
but then they forget about who each other is.
And they have not fostered any relationship with one another.
(36:24):
And the kids leave and they go, I don't even know who you are.
I haven't even seen you for for 10 years. We've been going to soccer and karate
and choir and youth groups and they go their separate ways.
There's a point in your life where you need to build that strength so you can
weather that storm and remember that your relationship is the most valuable thing in your family.
(36:49):
Because if your kids don't see that, so much of what, I'm talking a long time
here, but so much of what we do in our lives is modeled.
And so we need to be modeling for our kids how to be a married couple.
And so if they don't see that in you, they're going to have a disadvantage when
they get out and start are being, getting to be married.
(37:10):
And so we think we don't, a lot of times as couples, we think,
well, we don't, you know, it's not really, we don't, perfect examples,
like you, you have kids and then you're like, well, I'm never going to discipline
them or I'm never going to do this the way my parents did it.
And then a couple of years later, you find you're doing it exactly the way your
parents did it because it was modeled for you. And it's like,
oh, this is the way to do it.
(37:31):
And so it's so hard to break those cycles. But so we need to establish good
cycles with our kids that they can see positive things.
So their marriages are more successful than even yours was.
Wow, I love that. I think I've seen that too. I follow a few accounts on social
media where couples share tips of parenting.
And one of the ones that I saw was this couple asking their daughter what happens
(37:56):
if mommy says no and daddy says yes.
And she always says, I wait for them to talk because they are on the same team.
And I thought, wow, that little girl, like their parents taught her,
right, that they are in the same team.
If they are split on their decision, then that needs to be rehashed out between
(38:16):
the parents before they give her a decision on what to do.
And I thought that was wonderful that you never pin one parent against the other.
And little ones can do that when they learn manipulation. Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for being on the show and for sharing with us.
I know that we are learning.
We're only in year seven. You're in year 31.
(38:37):
So we obviously have a lot more to learn and to grow.
And we're really excited to be on this journey as well.
Thank you. And if you are our listener and you're thinking, you know what?
I feel like that I need to reach out to marriage team. I feel like there is
tools that I would like to get figured out or learn or relearn.
(39:00):
And we'll have information for marriage team in the show notes.
So please take that bold step, reach out to marriage team.
They are there to help you, to guide you and set you up with some tools that
you can walk away with and immediately start implementing and using in your
(39:21):
family and in your marriage.
That the goal is for your marriage to thrive, for there to be success.
So thank you so much for tuning in and for listening. And thank you so much
for Rick and Teresa for being here with us. We appreciate you. Thank you.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave us a review so we can continue to reach more people.
(39:44):
Also, make sure to follow us on social media. Thank you.
Music.
Hello i'm mark and i'm cindy and
we're the hosts of mercy on display a storytelling podcast about god's mercy
in people's lives from dating to marriage parenting to careers and everything
in between we hope you'll be inspired encouraged and grounded in god's purpose.
Music.
For your own life we're glad you're here thanks for joining us.
(00:44):
Hello rick and theresa thank you so much for being here hi it's our pleasure
we had the opportunity of entering alan ray before this and it was a wonderful
introduction to what what Marriage Team is.
So we're very excited to have you guys here today and kind of get into maybe
a little bit of the details and have you guys share a little bit more about
(01:07):
Marriage Team and your experience with Marriage Team.
So our audience will get to know you a little bit better. Can you share a little
bit more about yourself?
Where did you grow up and how did you meet?
Well, I grew up in Battleground, Washington. And I grew up in North Portland.
And we met on a beach in Oregon called, well, on a beach in Oregon called Gearheart.
(01:30):
Near Seaside, yes. Near Seaside, Searside. Yeah, Seaside.
We were at a church youth retreat. I was coming out of high school into college,
and he was leader there and just kind of connected.
And we were friends for about five or six years before we started dating.
So yeah, I was on the college age ministry, and we had this thing where we introduced
(01:51):
the high school and to the college age when they were seniors.
So we had a retreat together.
And so I met her. She was walking down the beach with her sister,
with a young man playing a recorder through his nose. So he rescued us.
And I said to myself, these girls need help.
That is a true story. That is a very interesting story. Interesting way to meet.
(02:15):
Exactly. Exactly. So starting a little bit with your backstory,
how was your dating life?
Were there any struggles on your way to marriage?
Well, because we had been friends for so long, I'd say five,
six years we were friends. I was friends with the family.
We hung out, did a lot of things together that I think the only thing that was
(02:36):
difficult for us was maybe the transition in the parents or the family's eyes
of friendship to actual dating.
So, and that was a transition for us as well.
We were actually, the way it kind of began is we were, I was,
of course, I like Teresa, but I was, she was studying for her,
for an exam and I was helping quiz her.
(02:58):
And I was coming over every night, helping her quiz. And then we were kind of
done and she was taking her test.
And then we were sitting on the couch in their living room and somehow our hands
just gravitated towards each other and we were holding hands.
And I don't think either one of us really realized it. It was just like a natural
thing. And then one of her sisters walked in the room and said,
are you guys holding hands?
(03:19):
And we both jumped to the other side of the couch and said, no.
That's really funny. And then we kind of realized from that point,
well, maybe there's something here.
Wow. And so how long have you been married? We've been married for 31 years, last January.
Well, 31 years is a really long time. That's awesome. And how many children
(03:39):
do you have? We have three.
Okay. We had one each 10 years. No, just kidding.
They're age 28 26 and 24
we have two grandkids your family dynamic when you were dating and you were
getting to know each other did you have other examples of marriages that helped
(04:02):
nurture your marriage or things that you said well i don't want that in my marriage my parents were.
Very affectionate towards one another and so I think
that was one thing that I thought this is what marriage is about
and so Rick had opposite examples as
parents both of our parents my parents are still alive and still married and
(04:24):
his passed away but were married throughout their lives we had examples of long
marriages no divorce in either one of our in either one of our lives so So,
from a standpoint of our parents.
Oh, that is a blessing. Yeah. That you get to see the length and commitment for one another.
Right. That leads us to the next question. And how and why did you begin working with Marriage Team?
(04:51):
Well, I don't know how many years ago it was. Probably about 15 years ago.
We were maybe longer, maybe 20 years ago. I was frustrated by,
we were leading Bible studies and we were involved in the church and we were
just frustrated by the fact of how many marriages were dissolving into divorce.
And so I just kind of got frustrated and said, listen, if anyone's thinking
(05:14):
about divorce, I want to meet with you personally and see what the problem is
to see if I could bring reconciliation.
But then through that process, we quickly, I quickly learned and we quickly
learned together other as a couple, meeting with the husband and wife that,
you know, life is difficult and past sins were really difficult.
(05:36):
And the burdens upon the marriages were more than we could handle by just simply talking to them.
We weren't successful in that, even though we met with a few different couples
and tried to convince them that this is a wrong approach, a wrong way to go in life.
And then as time went on, we were doing that a little bit from time to time.
(05:56):
But for marriage team. And we thought, wow, what that's about.
So we signed up and we did the training and then we've been doing that ever since.
And we found that the, because of the curriculum for marriage team is so strong
that it really helps us have a format to kind of lead couples through and to
really find real resolve.
(06:18):
It gives them so many tools that they can use to to rebuild their damaged marriages,
rebuild the sin that's in their life, that it's really effective.
If people will commit to it, of course, life's consequences and things still come into play.
And some marriages are, because unfortunately, people don't seek help in their
(06:39):
marriages until they're on the brink of divorce, which is unfortunate.
If they would seek help before that, it would be even more successful.
But a lot of the couples we get literally are signing divorce papers and like
oh, let's try this one last thing and By that time there's a lot of hurt.
There's a lot of just baggage. So sometimes I.
(07:00):
You can't get through all that stuff. You know, it's just too far gone.
We've had a lot of couples say, I wish I would have done this 10 years ago because
it would have taught them communication skills and taught them how to interact
with one another and come up with what marriage team calls plays that they can
work into their marriage that would make it more effective.
(07:21):
And with communication and with the Holy Spirit in a marriage relationship,
I don't think that divorce is really necessary.
Yes. And we've actually had some couples also say, this should be a required
course five years after you're married. Every marriage should have to take this.
You know, because it is, it just, I think a lot of us come into marriage just naive.
(07:46):
You know we don't we see it but
we don't understand the behind the scenes because obviously your
parents don't share with you every conversation they have growing up you're
kind of an outsider to that so yeah we in my example of my parents they kept
their conflict out back in the bedroom it wasn't like talked about so we didn't
(08:08):
it wasn't modeled to us how to actually,
do conflict fairly.
Yeah, I think that can happen in a lot of families. I know that my parents,
like they did everything possible. They were learning how to be married.
You know, I think everybody isn't
just born. I know exactly what to do and everything is trial and error.
And so I didn't really get to see how to problem solve, how to make peace.
(08:35):
Either they, you know, like Like you said, we hid that behind closed doors or
if it was confrontational, it wasn't pretty.
And so growing up, I thought the louder you are, the more likely you're going to win this argument.
And I remember being the first year of marriage with Mark and I raised my voice
at him. And that was the first time that someone said, why did you do that?
(08:58):
And it just shattered everything. And from that moment on, I have never raised my voice at Mark.
I came to realize that I could communicate effectively if I took the time to
slow down, to pray, and to remember that I'm serving my husband with love and
(09:19):
that he is doing that too.
And how can we conflict, resolute in a better way? So it's really great that
you already had that in your marriage and that you wanted to teach others how to do so.
I don't know that we actually learned quite a bit as we go.
You know, they always say the teacher learns more than the students.
So I think even as we've gone through the process of coaching other couples,
(09:42):
we've learned a lot about our marriage and we use the tools today in our marriage.
You know, so you never stop learning as a married couple.
But and obviously we were we had a little bit of a step ahead but they're still
beneficial and you can use these same tools that marriage team teaches not just
with your marriage relationship but with other relationships you have work relationships
(10:06):
parent child relationships,
child parent relationships so i love the detail that you pointed out that you never stop learning.
I feel like mindset matters so much in our relationships, and there's relationships
all around us with what you just covered and you pointed out,
(10:26):
from your personal relationship with your spouse,
with your kids, with your work, with your community.
And I think the moment that we make a decision inside that I think I know my
profession or I think I know my spouse or my kid or my community or whatever that might be.
Or my God. Oh, wow. Or my God.
(10:50):
That one was huge. That's big. Definitely. And I feel like that might cause
us to slow down or close up or feel like that, well, that you're not open to
learning about tools that are around you.
With Teresa, something that you mentioned a little earlier about communication,
having those tools in a marriage to where it seems like listening to you guys
(11:14):
that are so vital on success, like building blocks and a foundation for a couple
to learn how to work together, how to.
And having a, I guess, a playbook that you're able to work through together.
One of the illustrations that Marriage Team gives in the very beginning is the
(11:36):
illustration of that you come from two different like football teams.
You know, maybe you're from the 49ers and you're from San Francisco Seahawks.
So your whole life you've grown up in this team and the quarterback,
maybe your dad is the quarterback, has run these plays.
You know, you know the play. And then when you get married, your husband runs
a play and you go down the field and turn right, but he and his family always turn left on that play.
(12:02):
So then you guys are finding yourself at an impasse. You're like,
what is going on? That's not the way you run that play. play.
You're supposed to run the play this way. But the cool thing about marriage
is you get to create your own new playbook together.
So you're going to take the plays from your families and you say,
we like this play, but we don't like this play.
We want to change this one a little bit. We kind of like the concept of it,
(12:24):
but we want to make some additions or changes to it.
So you get to create that own playbook for your marriage. And I think when people
understand that, they kind of to get excited oh my goodness this is reminding
me of how do you cut a mango this sounds really funny but.
I'm from Latin America, so I felt that I knew how to cut a mango.
(12:45):
And Mark is watching me. He's like, that's not how my mom cut a mango.
And then we went on to an argument about what's the right way.
And a lot of pride on my end of like, well, I'm from Latin America. I know how to cut a mango.
Look, our mangoes come from my country to you.
And next thing you know, there's just argument.
(13:09):
And then it's not even about the mango. It's about that he saw how things were
done in his family one way, but I felt they were done in a certain way.
And it took us probably several months to realize that it was really because
we it's not about being right.
It's about just being accepting of somebody else's different way of doing things.
(13:32):
And it was like the simplest thing, like a mango. And then we had the same argument
about banana within that same month before we realized that it was,
how is it that we can communicate better and accept each other's differences
and be able to be okay with appreciating each other?
And the real issue is, how are you going to teach your children to cut a mango?
(13:55):
That's true. We've learned since then. But we're still learning.
And I really want to see how the mango should be cut now. Now,
this has created all this curiosity inside of me.
That's a whole other podcast. Just on mangoes.
So we actually were curious, what's the number one issue you learned to tackle together as a team?
(14:20):
We kind of thought about that. And, you know, in our life, it wasn't really about marriage.
It was more a lot about external relationships. And actually,
I think some of the hardest struggles we've had are with the church relationships.
But we've learned to tackle that. And I think the secondary one would probably be...
Probably injuries and learning how to care for one another through different
(14:43):
things that happen in life because it's just reality.
Yeah, caring for one another, I think that's something that I've seen other
marriages kind of neglected.
I know in the beginning we were very self-centered, like even sharing fries was like a big no.
(15:05):
But then we've learned Mark didn't share food with anyone.
You know, he grew up with old boys and then he learned that it's OK to share a fry with your wife.
And then it became just one basket. You know, it takes time.
Teresa's taking a look at Rick.
Oh, it reminded me of a story when we had maybe five, six years into our marriage.
(15:27):
I was eating french fries with him and we were sharing.
And I said, don't you really like these really, really crunchy ones?
And he said, I don't know. My wife eats them all.
Oh. I never get the crunchy ones.
That's love, though, I feel like. He sacrificed for me.
That's about marriage, seriously, is about sacrificing. Sometimes you're a little bit uncomfortable.
(15:51):
You know, the example for us is we have a bird. His name is Mr. Vivo.
Mr. Vivo has this most beautiful song, but when he's in the season of mating, he'll get very loud.
Loud and at first time it was very annoying for me but i saw the joy in my husband's
face because he loves birds and that little guy makes me happy because he has
(16:12):
a very special bond with this bird and it makes me happy how much love and care
he puts into this little guy and so that makes me,
realize that it's worth having the bird in that particular time of the year
be a little bit louder and i'm like that's okay i'm just gonna put some praise
music and sing along with the bird you know,
Maybe some noise-canceling headphones.
(16:35):
So we would like to ask you, where and when did God's mercy show up in your marriage?
God's mercy has shown up in our marriage in the
little things because a lot of times we get frustrated
with one another when we're in pain or when we're irritated or when we're tired
and just cares of life and you just might say something like that you shouldn't
(17:01):
be saying or not use a skill that you know you're supposed to be using that
you've learned from marriage team and you just kind of do it wrong.
And then you have to realize my spouse is on my team.
He has the best will towards me. He didn't intend to do something.
And likewise, he has to think I didn't intend to do that. And in that,
(17:24):
you concentrate on who he is, not the thing that he did to me or the words that he said.
And so you kind of just think not about the negative things that are like mistakes
or accidents, but about who we are in our relationship.
Relationship it reminds me of an old petra song
i don't know if you guys know this one um don't let your heart be
(17:45):
hardened early in our marriage i would think this song and kind of pray it at
the words of the chorus is don't let your heart be hardened don't let your love
grow cold may it always be so childlike may it never grow so old don't let your
heart be hardened may it always always know the cure,
keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure.
(18:09):
So I think to keep mercy, God shows his mercy in our relationship when we humble
ourselves and we submit to God and realize that our spouse didn't really intend
to do that and that he is more than that little mistake that's made.
And to remember that we are good-willed towards each other and we are a team.
(18:30):
And so to be quick to forgive and to let those things go, I think,
is what I took away from that. It's important.
Oh, that's really beautifully said. And that song is so ideal for a reminder.
I think every day we actually have one Corinthians, I don't remember what chapter it is.
Thirteen. Thirteen. The love chapter. Yes, and it's in all three of our languages,
(18:55):
in English, Russian, and Spanish.
When we get upset and we'll go into our
bedroom because we're we've been
working on this so it's been when we get upset we'll avoid conflict so we'll
separate and then we come back and problem solved but he'll go or i'll go into
the bedroom and this huge poster that our friend gave us a wedding gift is right
(19:17):
there and we look at it and it says love is patient love is kind and as I'm reading it,
I'm slowing down or he's slowing down.
He shared that in the last episode too, that we really have to come to the Lord
and remind ourselves that he forgave us and anything that your husband can do.
(19:39):
It's not about you being right or them being right. It's about are you wanting
and willing to work this out?
Are you wanting and willing to forgive this person? And that's beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, those are some of the things that Cindy and I had to learn these last
couple of years with everything you pretty much shared.
And it's just, it's in the little things and to where you see God's mercy shows
(20:03):
up to where, like Cindy said, you know, the Lord loved us first, forgave us first.
And seeing that poster, reading those verses, and you're able to take a step
back emotionally. the comments, you're like, okay, okay.
It's not about Mark being right right now. It doesn't matter what my goal is
where I think that Cindy was incorrect or I'm correct or vice versa.
(20:26):
But the question is.
Do I love the Lord? Do I love my wife? In the long term, what is it that I want for my marriage?
It reminds me of a scripture that I've always used in Lamentations 3.22.
It says, through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed because of his compassions
(20:49):
fail not. They are new every morning.
And I think that's just a cool verse because it tells us that the Lord is like,
He wipes our slate every day, and then every day it's new to us.
His mercies are new to us.
So, yeah, you failed yesterday, but today's a new day, you know,
is basically what that scripture is telling us, is that we can look at our marriage the same way.
(21:11):
You know, yeah, we made some mistakes, and we failed, and we've hurt each other,
but we get to have a restart, and we can do that every day.
And I think it's important that we keep the soil of our heart soft,
soft because if it becomes bitter or if there's hard things or rocks in there
that we don't allow God to remove or circumstances to remove,
(21:33):
then we can't be forgiving.
And it's more difficult to be an example to your kids in your marriage relationship.
I love that. Wow, what an analogy. Yeah, I love the amount of times that you've
been going to sharing about the heart and it being as ground and soil,
the importance of it with just like what you just mentioned about having it soft.
(21:57):
And I realized, oh man, that makes so much sense to where if we allow our heart
to harden and the kind of impact that it has, you know.
Pretty quickly. Quickly could be, I guess, from a time span of one year,
five years, or ten years.
But if you're allowing your heart to harden and allowing forgiveness to take
(22:21):
place, allowing the Lord to work through it, work through your heart. Our question is for you.
How is Jesus in the middle of your marriage?
Well, I think that the analogy we would use on that is that the same analogy
we learned when we were married, when we were counseling to first become married.
And the pastor said to us, the key in every marriage is both of you having a
(22:44):
strong relationship with Jesus and it's like a pyramid.
So if Jesus is at the top of the pyramid and you're both growing towards Jesus,
you're going to grow closer to each other. So I think the key for our marriage
is always our relationship independently with the Lord.
And so, and that, cause that brings healing, that brings comfort,
that brings all the things we need as a couple to be a healthy couple together.
(23:09):
If, and I, so I think the Bible speaks about being unevenly yoked and that is
why it's so problematic because if one person has a strong relationship with
Jesus, but the other person does, it just doesn't work as well.
So, or it doesn't work at all, really.
And so, we try to fake it, but there's that imbalance there.
So, for us, our relationship with Jesus has always been the key,
(23:32):
independently, our relationship with Jesus.
There's actually the same analogy one of our pastors used when we were initially
doing premarital counseling, and we've kept that too.
And it's great to see another couple have that in their marriage and working.
That's something that we encourage our friends to when, you know,
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we'll hear something is wrong, that you have to get close to the Lord and then
you'll be closer to your spouse.
And that I think in some marriages, or not even marriages, but dating relationships nowadays.
You always think, especially being a woman, I can't speak for men,
but as a woman, you can put your boyfriend or your spouse ahead of Jesus.
(24:18):
You want their needs met before anybody else's
or you I remember being a very toxic relationship before I
met Mark and it was at that level of I put
this person first I need to be like serving that person well or I need to be
mindful of their schedule whatever that's going on and I didn't really have
a relationship with the Lord I didn't really know the Lord back then and now
(24:42):
that I'm completely new and I get to be with my husband, I remember,
remind myself, spending time with the Lord, that's where I will find peace and
joy and everything I need to be equipped to bring that into my marriage and
that I can pour that love and joy into my house.
Because without it, I don't think we would have any success.
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We're so much easier to get along with when we have a good relationship with Jesus.
It's true. And in the relationship you described, it's kind of like you've placed
an idol in your life. And so God is a jealous God.
So he doesn't allow any idols.
And so. That's true.
You know, you mentioned being individually yoked. So what are some biblical
(25:29):
principles that you practice in your marriage? Sure.
We do a lot of Bible studies independently, and then together we lead a Bible study.
We pray over every meal.
Am I missing anything? I think it's just the daily way that we live.
It's really centered around what we believe, which is God's Word.
(25:53):
So when we're fellowshipping with people, it's always about God's Word.
And obviously we do have fun too. too.
Not that God's word isn't fun. But yeah, we try to just foster that.
I think it's the little things in life that I think prayer before meals is such
a lot of families, I think, struggle in our culture today, even having meals
(26:17):
together, let alone ever praying.
So I think that's really important. What we found is really successful is through
our whole, with our kids growing up, That was always something that we kept
as a priority, is that we're going to meet together as a family,
we're going to eat together, and we're going to open that time in prayer.
We also use that as ministry opportunities when we're out and about at restaurants.
(26:41):
We'll often say, which we started doing probably about two years ago,
is when we're praying, we'll ask the waiter or waitress, Hey,
we're going to be praying for our food.
Is there anything we can pray for you about when we're doing that?
And we found that that is just opens up a lot of doors because people are so
(27:01):
thankful that you would just think about them and want to pray about them.
And it's amazing the things that they'll share with you about their lives and ask for prayer for.
Yeah. And that came from Ignite America with McGuire. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's wonderful. I love that idea. I know that we've been trying to.
Listen to the Holy Spirit when he prompts us to go up to someone and pray.
(27:24):
And that can be a little nerve wracking, you know, because you're in the middle
of a store or you don't know anybody, you don't even know that person.
I kind of wish I would have a chance to acknowledge that person more often so
I could build a relationship before I get to even ask.
But doing that at a mealtime where you're just busy and working,
just getting a chance to slow down sounds like a great idea.
(27:46):
Barry McGuire uses this analogy where we learn that from is that he says,
as Christians, we need to listen for the nudge and then live in the fog.
And so the nudge is all of us Christians know like God's kind of poking at you
and saying, you know, talk to that person, pray for that person, do something.
And so you listen to that, you act on that, and then you live in the fog,
(28:07):
which is the faithfulness of God. God.
So we don't know what happened in that person's life the moment before we were
in their life, and we don't know what's going to happen the moment after we
leave their life, but we're only faithful for that one moment. That's our job.
We just listen to the nudge and live in the fog, and God is faithful,
and He is working over time and constantly by His Holy Spirit in every life
(28:29):
on the face of the planet. Wow.
That's amazing. So to wrap up, the reason we started talking talking about this
is that doing ministry together in marriage, I think draws us closer together.
That's wonderful. And with that being said, what is one issue that you often
see in couples that you get the opportunity to serve and help them through their difficulties?
(28:54):
Gosh, I would say one of the biggest issues that we've seen in the Christian
community is people not being in the Word of God.
As Christians, they live their lives, they go to church, spend time with friends,
they go to work, but they never crack open the Word of God.
They may even read spiritual books.
(29:15):
They may digest spiritual books, and they may think that they know the Word
of God from those, but so often they don't.
And when they actually start to read the Word of God, the Word of God changes them from inside out.
And so that's probably the thing that we've found has been most effective.
If we can just get people to commit to reading the Word of God every day,
(29:39):
every day of their life, the Holy Spirit then is able to grab onto them and change them.
But in coaching marriages through marriage team,
I think the biggest aha that the team is learning is communication and how they
speak to one another and how they listen and realizing that if they can change that,
(30:01):
then because they're committed to one another, they wouldn't be here.
If they can walk that through and listen and understand, then that changes their
marriage rapidly as well. So that leads us to the next question then.
What advice do you have for those that are currently single and or those who
are currently married but struggling with their spouses?
(30:24):
Well, if they're currently married and struggling with their spouses,
they should contact the local marriage team office and start getting coaching.
That would be the best thing. Besides, of course, continuing their relationship
with the Lord and really pouring themselves into that.
I think to tell them, the marriages that are struggling, that there's hope and
(30:46):
that Jesus cares about you guys.
And the curriculum doesn't, it will work for non-Christians,
but there's a lot of depth and the skills and such are biblically based.
That God cares about your marriage.
And if you commit to it and you allow the Holy Spirit to change you,
(31:07):
and if you're willing to submit or to love differently, then your marriage can be a success.
And I think the key to remember is that we didn't invent marriage. God invented marriage.
It's His whole ordinance. So for the single person, I would say, be patient.
God has a plan for you. don't step out ahead of God, but just continue to build
(31:32):
that relationship because a woman or a man who is faithful to the Lord is very attractive.
And so a lot of times the world tells us that is not true, but that is very
true because along with that faithfulness to the Lord, you get all these other
character traits that are built into that humility and kindness and love.
(31:53):
And so as those are being built in the person, who would not want to be with
a person that starts to exhibit all these traits?
I love that. I think that actually gives me an answer to why I was attracted to my now husband, Mark.
He was so committed to the Word and I was so far away from him and I wanted to know him. him.
(32:16):
And so when I saw Mark and the relationship he had with the Lord and he was
seeking him out and he wanted to know him more,
not only was I very impressed by the love and discipline he had and being in
the word and knowing the Lord,
but I also felt that I want that type of relationship where I get this unending
(32:36):
love from the Lord and this guidance and his wisdom.
And I was very very jealous. And I mentioned that in the previous episodes too,
that I just wanted what he had with the Lord, but I was very,
very touched in the way that he was so kind and gentle and slow to anger because
he was modeling what he read from the Lord.
(32:59):
So I hope that for those who are single, they consider working that relationship
with the Lord first and the Lord will bring the the right person to them. So, yeah.
Thank you so much for sharing everything that you have. And I feel like there's
such wonderful gold nuggets from throughout all through the entire interview,
and especially at the end with Rick, with what you pointed out is that those
(33:23):
traits will come with you.
They will be wrapped around you.
It's the job of the Holy Spirit that's doing the transformation inside the person's
heart, mind, their character, changing the way that maybe you've loved yesterday.
Teaching you how to love in a new way that's pure, sincere.
(33:45):
I think that these are such a wonderful guidance for a lot of those that are
single and those that are couples as well.
And hopefully all our listeners that are listening,
if they are struggling in their marriage, and something that you actually just
shared with us a little bit earlier today is that that those that unfortunately
(34:07):
wait 10 years and they think, well, let's give this thing,
marriage teamwork, this coaching, a try.
But if you feel like you're on day one, year one, year three,
year five, but you see that maybe your playbooks are not aligning,
that it's just you do things in different ways.
(34:30):
The way you need to cut an avocado or a banana.
Don't even get me started on that. I'm just kidding. And these are just very
small, you know, of course, humorous examples, but.
I feel like it's just, it's small actions, but there's small seeds that can
be planted as well. It starts somewhere.
And how do you take care of your heart? How do you take care of that soil?
(34:54):
And do we wait long enough to where the ground gets hard?
Plenty of weed, plenty of rocks. And that might become a little bit troublesome
to try to get through, not only for a coach, let alone your creator as well. well.
I think it's really important for young couples to consider coaching early in
their marriage just because life has seasons.
(35:17):
And so I kind of look at like, you're going to go through, you're going to get
married and you're going to have that honeymoon phase, which then is going to end.
And then you're going to find out that he doesn't know how to cut an avocado
and everything's going to go crazy.
And then you're going to have that season then where you're kind of growing
and learning about each other.
But then you're going to move, for a lot of couples, they're going to move into
(35:38):
a season of raising children.
And that's going to last, you know, for 10 to 15 years.
And that's a real desert time because you're both working so hard.
You have so many responsibilities and everything is going to be challenged in those times.
So, if you can, at the beginning of your marriage, get some strong tools so
that you can make it through that desert period where it is so lean,
(36:01):
you can draw upon those and the Lord.
And then after children, you're going to have another time of,
because what we also find in marriages as general, a lot of couples,
they get married, then they have children and they go through that whole season,
but then they forget about who each other is.
And they have not fostered any relationship with one another.
(36:24):
And the kids leave and they go, I don't even know who you are.
I haven't even seen you for for 10 years. We've been going to soccer and karate
and choir and youth groups and they go their separate ways.
There's a point in your life where you need to build that strength so you can
weather that storm and remember that your relationship is the most valuable thing in your family.
(36:49):
Because if your kids don't see that, so much of what, I'm talking a long time
here, but so much of what we do in our lives is modeled.
And so we need to be modeling for our kids how to be a married couple.
And so if they don't see that in you, they're going to have a disadvantage when
they get out and start are being, getting to be married.
(37:10):
And so we think we don't, a lot of times as couples, we think,
well, we don't, you know, it's not really, we don't, perfect examples,
like you, you have kids and then you're like, well, I'm never going to discipline
them or I'm never going to do this the way my parents did it.
And then a couple of years later, you find you're doing it exactly the way your
parents did it because it was modeled for you. And it's like,
oh, this is the way to do it.
(37:31):
And so it's so hard to break those cycles. But so we need to establish good
cycles with our kids that they can see positive things.
So their marriages are more successful than even yours was.
Wow, I love that. I think I've seen that too. I follow a few accounts on social
media where couples share tips of parenting.
And one of the ones that I saw was this couple asking their daughter what happens
(37:56):
if mommy says no and daddy says yes.
And she always says, I wait for them to talk because they are on the same team.
And I thought, wow, that little girl, like their parents taught her,
right, that they are in the same team.
If they are split on their decision, then that needs to be rehashed out between
(38:16):
the parents before they give her a decision on what to do.
And I thought that was wonderful that you never pin one parent against the other.
And little ones can do that when they learn manipulation. Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for being on the show and for sharing with us.
I know that we are learning.
We're only in year seven. You're in year 31.
(38:37):
So we obviously have a lot more to learn and to grow.
And we're really excited to be on this journey as well.
Thank you. And if you are our listener and you're thinking, you know what?
I feel like that I need to reach out to marriage team. I feel like there is
tools that I would like to get figured out or learn or relearn.
(39:00):
And we'll have information for marriage team in the show notes.
So please take that bold step, reach out to marriage team.
They are there to help you, to guide you and set you up with some tools that
you can walk away with and immediately start implementing and using in your
(39:21):
family and in your marriage.
That the goal is for your marriage to thrive, for there to be success.
So thank you so much for tuning in and for listening. And thank you so much
for Rick and Teresa for being here with us. We appreciate you. Thank you.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave us a review so we can continue to reach more people.
(39:44):
Also, make sure to follow us on social media. Thank you.
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