261 🛁 Beyond Self-Care: Reframing Your Mind for True Wellness with Dr. Amber Wardell

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
>> Dr. Amber Wardell (00:00):
Some days you may only have the energy for self care
potato chips. Maybe a bath or a facial, a trip to
the grocery store without your kids or taking a mental health day
from work is all you can muster. It's okay to let that
be enough on those days. After all, there's nothing
inherently wrong with potato chips. They feel good, they
taste good, they require so much less effort

(00:20):
than preparing a nutritious meal. They bring
comfort. But as anyone who has ever binge eaten an
entire bag of potato chips knows, those empty calories
wear off fast. You quickly find yourself hungry again
and have to eat something nourishing instead.
So enjoy the self care potato chips. When that's all you
can reach for. Just make sure you're reaching for the nourishing

(00:41):
self care too. Speak your needs, hold your
boundaries. Give gentleness and firmness m in equal
measure and always in the right context.

>> Wendy Valentine (00:49):
Hey midlifers. Welcome to the Midlife Makeover
Show. Are you ready to break free from your
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(01:12):
I too was hit by midlife like a freight train.
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a new life beyond divorce and the courage to
leave an unfulfilling career. But I kept telling
myself that I wasn't worthy and it was just easier
to stay in my comfort zone until I found a
little secret the freedom to live my life

(01:35):
my way. In this podcast, you will
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body, how to create solid relationships through
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grande latte, pop in your earbuds and let's get
get this midlife party started.

(01:56):
Ladies, are you ready to wake up to your greatness?
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Today, 2025 is your
year to wake up and thrive.
Hey there, midlife warriors. Buckle up for an
inspiring and brain boosting episode.
Because today we're diving deep into the power

(03:00):
of self care and the science of
reframing our minds. Joining us
is the incredible Dr. Amber Wardell,
a, ah, psychologist, contributor for Psychology
Today and author of, the insightful and
empowering new book, Beyond Self Care
Potato Chips. Yum, yum, yum. Choosing, ah,
nourishing self care in a quick fix

(03:22):
culture. Amber's down to earth
storytelling and relatable wisdom will inspire you
to stop settling for life's potato chips
and start reaching for what truly
nourishes your soul. In this
conversation, Amber will walk us through how to
rewire our neural networks, alter our
brain chemistry, and cultivate what she

(03:43):
calls truth trenches. We'll
explore what it means to embrace courageous self care in
every area of life. Marriage, motherhood,
friendships, career and beyond. Get ready
to take your self care game to the next level.
Let's welcome the amazing Dr. Amber Wardell.
Woo.

(04:04):
Welcome, welcome.

Hi. Hello. It's good to be here.
That was a wonderful, wonderful.

You were just, you were just enjoying listening to all
the kind words about yourself.

And that night, I was, what I was sitting here trying to remember was, did
I write this or did she?
So often you have to write your own intro. And I was like, man, if I
wrote that, that was good
myself.

That day, you're like, man, I was
on it.

Yeah, I want to feel like that every day.

You were beyond the potato chips.

I was, yes.

so nice to have you here.

Oh, man, thank you for having me.

Yeah.
So I'm curious actually, instead of asking
you the, the typical, what inspired you to write this
book? What inspired you to become a
psychologist? Oh,
I'm m taking you way back.

We went there. Okay. so the answer to that
is that, I grew up in a household where mental
health was. There was some,
there was some shame around mental
health. In my household. I had one parent who
was diagnosed with depression. I had another
parent who needed desperately to be diagnosed with

(05:15):
anxiety and refused to be so. And
what happened is that I, I witnessed a lot
of not just shame, within my parents
about their own mental health, but also, that
shame was sort of redirected toward
me almost as though if you are struggling with
your mental health, then that is something for

(05:36):
you to also be ashamed of. And in some ways it was used
almost like a threat. So like, if I was
struggling, if I was being disrespectful as a kid,
if I was, you know, being mouthy or whatever
else may be, the threat would be,
we're going to take you to a therapist.
And implicit in that message was,

(05:56):
something is wrong with you. And I should state
here that I grew up in a really loving household. I had
wonderful parents. You know, I like,
top notch, like top of the line parenting
in every other way. So this is such a small
gripe, but it was something that really
was, was, a hard thing to carry as a
child. and I was pretty young when I started to

(06:18):
recognize this, that like, this is my
parents unable to really face,
their own struggles with their mental health and they're
externalizing that. And so I told myself, I'm going to go
to school to learn everything that I can learn about mental
health because I'm not going to carry that shame.
I'm going to normalize this in my own mind.
And hopefully I can help my parents, you know,

(06:41):
understand that there's nothing wrong with them because they're
depressed or they're anxious or whatever else. And then I'd like
to be able to help other people to understand that better
themselves. and so my plan was always to become
a clinical psychologist and to do therapy and things
like that. But, as I got older, I was much more
interested in doing the research side of it. I
thought maybe, maybe I'm a little bit too

(07:04):
much of a mess to be like the one
conducting therapy with people. But I could probably be
in a lab and do research that informs
the therapy that people are doing. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna take that route.
And so ultimately that was what I ended up doing. But
yeah, it all mainly stemmed from wanting to understand
humanity, how the brain works,

(07:25):
how mental health works, so that I would never
feel shame about it and hopefully I would help no one
else ever feel shame about it as well.

Did you ever feel like you needed to be
a, perfectionist in how you
behaved in your family because of
that?

I'm, I, I can't say for sure that it was because of
my parents. I
can say that I'm a Capricorn.
But yeah, I have always really, really struggled with
perfectionism. And in almost every area of my life,
as many of us high achieving women, women in
particular do tend to Struggle with.

Yeah. I tell you, there's one thing
I had taken from, positive psychology. I had taken
a course in positive psychology, and there was one.
The professor had said, we're
all humans, human beings being human.
And I. I remember, like, him saying that. I was like, yeah, that's true.
Like, we're all, like, doing the best that we can as these
human beings, and we're absorbing

(08:27):
so much of the people around us, good or bad,
happy, sad, and we're trying to put it all together and
make sense of it all. Ah. While
living life and doing all the things. And
it can be challenging. And I. I feel.
I don't know about you, but, like, it wasn't until my
probably late 30s, early
40s, where I was like, right. I realized

(08:50):
I had picked up all of these habits and
behaviors as a result of
either consciously or subconsciously observing
others.

If.

If that made sense. Yeah.

Isn't that a magical time? That, like, late 30
time period where you start realizing, like, wait a minute,
everything around here is.

Yes.

I think I've absorbed some.
Yeah, I need to do something about that. Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's crazy, too, because even. Even as a
learned individual in this area, I
still struggle to not internalize that myself. And I have an
example where, like, I was doing yoga. I have my Peloton
bike here, and I do the. The yoga classes through. Through the
app. And this was just like, earlier,
I guess. Last year in 2024, I was doing

(09:40):
a yoga class, and we were practicing tree pose.
And Kira Michelle, she's one of my favorite yoga
instructors on Peloton. She, said.
She's doing the pose, and she said, if you fall
over, congratulations, you're
human.

Yep.

And, I just started crying. A. I
had. I know, just started crying because I
was like. It just crashed over me that,
like, in every way. In every
way. M. The things that are happening
to me that I don't. Like when I'm falling down or I'm
losing my balance or I'm flubbing on a.

(10:17):
On a. On a podcast or whatever it may be like,
congratulations, you're human. Yep. Yeah, that's how that
goes. You forget that sometimes in this. In
this. This pursuit of. Of
perfection.

I know.

Important to just remember that, like, that's not. We weren't designed to be that
way. Someone told us we were, but we were absolutely not designed to be
that way.

Yes. And it be. It can be so exhausting trying to
be a perfectionist and trying to do all the
right things and say the Right. Things. And,
and some of us never even step out to do what we truly
love because we're so worried we might fall.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. And you know, the thing is too, I mean, when you were
talking about your parents and I had amazing
parents too, and they weren't perfect, you know, but
like, we, we pick up those things and it doesn't
make that person bad. Everyone is
doing the best that they could with what they've been taught.
Right. And then we pick up those things. But it's
us, up to us. Not so much to, I

(11:15):
would say, learn something new, but to unlearn. You're
almost having to unlearn what has been taught to
you.

Yeah. There's a really good book, called Adult Children of
Emotionally Immature Parents. Have you heard of it?

Yes, and I love that.

I think it's like in the opening of that book, it says, you are not
betraying your parents to acknowledge that you
wish they had done some things differently. And I needed
to hear that because anytime that I've tried to speak
to my one parent in particular about
ways that I wish things had been done differently, I've been
met with resistance and defensiveness and almost

(11:50):
like a refusal to even acknowledge that
that happened. Almost like, well, I don't remember that.
That didn't happen that way, that sort of thing. And in
particular, when I mentioned that, like, I was speaking about these things
in therapy, that became a very, very big
issue. that like, I wasn't supposed to
be speaking about these things with my therapist. And so

(12:11):
reading that book and realizing that like, you're not, you're not betraying
your parents by acknowledging that there were things
about the way you were raised that you wish were
different. And what I like about that, you know, when you said
we have to unlearn things, is like, where I'm
taking that is to realize that now as a parent
myself, I have a 6 year old and an 8 year old. I am

(12:31):
constantly reinforcing to my children. At every,
whenever it comes up organically, I'm not like hounding my children
about this, but when the opportunities arise, when we're having
these conversations about ways that I feel I've let them
down or when I, I'm not proud of how I've handled them, I will
remind them like, mommy's human. I'm learning
how to be a mommy the same way you're learning how to be a little

(12:51):
kid and I'm going to screw up. And one day
you might be in therapy talking to your therapist about the ways that
I've screwed up. And, if you want to
one day, I am open to hear about those things.
And also if you would like for those things to
not be my privilege to hear about, that's
okay, too. And I want you to know that I won't feel unloved or
judged or uncared for by you if you need to go talk

(13:14):
those things. And that's a cycle we're breaking. And. And
it's. It's important.

I'm so glad you said that. And it's funny, I've had that same
conversation with my three kids.
Like, and it's one of those things, like, especially
again, like, when you're in your 30s and 40s, you're like,
oh, my gosh, like, I've been going to therapy for the last
20 years. What if my kids start going to therapy because
of me? Like, any. And I'll admit, like,
there's this thread that has been woven

(13:40):
into my relationships that has gone all the
way back since childhood, went into my
marriages. And of course, my children, you know,
they were. They were part of all that. So I
am sure there are things that. Limiting
beliefs or doubts or whatever the case is
that they might have to deal with later.
And the same thing, like, I shouldn't have

(14:03):
shame. They shouldn't have shame. We want the best
for everyone to heal and to get better.
And if it's talking it through, then just talk it
through.

Yeah. and that's why I talk so much in the
book about Truth Trenches. the preface of the book
I speak about, you know, you mentioned in. In the. In the intro,
like neuroplasticity and cognitive reframing.
And these are things that, like, those are words that we use
when we're publishing journal articles. but if you want to
talk about it just at a. At a very base level,

(14:32):
it's. It's reframing it is taking
something and finding a new way to
think of it. and some
people take issue with that because sometimes it
sounds a little bit like cognitive behavioral
therapy. It sounds a little bit. It smacks
of, like, if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it,
change the way you think about it. And there are a lot of issues with

(14:55):
that. Right. If it feels trite
sometimes.

Hm.

But the idea of a truth trench is. Is
essentially the way that we think about things
will form a pathway in our brain. Our. Our
brains are designed for
optimization. Right. They form
these. These called neural networks, neural pathways
to help us make quick decisions to understand the world as
fast as possible. So when we are

(15:22):
constantly thinking of certain things in a certain way,
we form a really, really strong network,
a tie between two. Two things. And so the more we think
about things like, oh, talking about mental
health or talking about the way that my parents, let me
down is shame. That's. That's shame. That's
betrayal. That's bad. The more we reinforce

(15:42):
this idea. And so, so the way that we
go about creating this neuroplasticity or creating
a, reframe is we start training the brain
to disconnect from this and attach it to something
else. And so in the book I talk about truth trenches, which is
that we're going to teach your brain to put, just
to dig this little trench around you. Right.

(16:03):
And the way I describe it in the book is like, you are inside this
castle. We're going to build a moat around
you and all the lies of the
world are going to have to pass through this
truth trench before they can get to you. And
refined by this truth trench, the
lies won't reach you until they've kind of gone past that.

(16:24):
And so the idea is we're going to teach you new things to
think, new ways of looking at the world,
to un. Detach this
thought from this shame based way of thinking about it
and attach it to something good. And
I. So important it sounds like that's what you and I are doing with our
kids is we're saying, hey, we, we ourselves are working

(16:44):
on detaching this shame from this
so that you never form this attachment.

Yes.

We'll always see talking about the way I raised you or
talking about your mental health as a good thing, as a, as a healthy
thing. Exactly the
way we saw it.

Yeah, I mean, I, looking back, for me,
I know therapy played such a huge part
in rewiring and knowing what is
truth. And what are those lies? Sometimes we don't know,
you know, like, and how, how, how do,
how do we tell the difference between what is
truth and what is lie? And especially if for

(17:21):
us it is truth. that makes sense if it's been in our brain
for so long. How, how do
we determine what is truth and what is lies?

Are we talking about, like on a systemic level?

I guess on beliefs? Yeah, beliefs about ourselves
and about, and about our life. How, how can we begin
to even determine what is what?

I have, I, I love when I get asked a question that I
really have an answer for because, you know, so often
you're like Hang on, let me think about that for a second. I
have a such a, I have a perfect answer for this. I talk
about this in my book and a lot of, I have four
chapters in the book that are all about our friendships,
who's at our table, who are the people trust and

(18:03):
confide in.
And so the thing that I had to learn was
that the world is going to constantly be bombarding us
with information about ourselves. Particularly if we
are, if we're not holed up in our house, if we are
going out into the world in any way, whether that's going grocery
shopping or living our life publicly on social media,
we're going to be bombarded with people's opinions

(18:24):
about who we are. And they're not going to state
those as opinions, they're going to state them as facts.
Oh yeah, right.

Yes, it's true.

What I had to learn is I needed to get a
trusted group of people around
me, who I know I can
trust, who have a diverse set of opinions, who
share my values, but have maybe a
diverse, set of opinions about how to go about
living out those values. Right. People who are
willing to be honest with me and who

(18:56):
I know always want my ultimate good. And so
when I am confronted with information about
me that is being presented to me as though it is a
fact, and I'm concerned that maybe it is,
that's my first question is, do I think this might be
true?
If I don't think it's true, then I just immediately discard
it. and I'm getting better at

(19:17):
recognizing that right away if I take it.
And I think it's important that we remain open enough to be
able to do this, to say
there might be something to that.
They might have a point. So then we take this to these
trusted people and we say, this is the feedback that I've gotten
about myself. This is, this is a data point that
someone is claiming to be a fact. What do we

(19:39):
think? And if our, if our trusted
circle also agrees that maybe
there is something to that, then
they can share that with us in a loving and fact
based way. They can give us evidence as
to how this might be true and they can lovingly help
us see it and help us like, okay, so
let's think about, a realistic and, and

(20:01):
actionable way to fix this that's not
shrouded in shame and judgment and
guilt.

Yes. I guess it's like, oh, go
ahead.

Yeah. But if that trusted circle says what?
No, no, that's not. We've never
known that to be true of you. Then you go, oh, okay. And you throw
it out.

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Yeah, people that are going to be totally open and

(21:24):
honest with you. And we usually,
I mean, hopefully a lot of us will have, you know, one
or two people in our lives that we can count on to be
like, hey, you know, here's the deal. Like
yes, that's crap, or yes, this is a little
truth you might like. It's
constructive criticism. Right. I mean the old
classic term of constructive criticism. But

(21:46):
and I think it's, it's key to be
open so that you can
improve and
unlearn whatever it
is. Right.

Yeah.
It's funny you mentioned that because that that was, I was sitting here going, I wish
I had said this part
because another thing that I talk about in the book is that
there is this, I call it toxic self care
culture. And and sometimes I regret
that word choice because as I'm. Again, as you
know, the publishing process is once the book

(22:18):
is out. You've written it two years ago.

Yeah.

So you've been learning since the time you wrote the book.
Right. So like I call it toxic self
care culture. And the way I define it in the book is
this idea that, certain people,
especially in online spaces, talk about
self care in this very rigid, inflexible
way that has lost sight of the fact
that we are people who live in community and

(22:44):
connection with others. And that has to be taken into
account.
What I've kind of started to see over the last two years is
that I think that that approach might be the
natural swinging of the pendulum. Like when someone
begins a self care journey of setting
boundaries and, and taking better care of themselves, it may

(23:04):
be because they've lived a life of self neglect.
M. And maybe now the Only way to feel
safe to know that they're not going to swing back to that is to
go really far. So they get really
inflexible and they get,
they, they, they're just like hardline boundaries.
They don't want to hear any critique or criticism of

(23:25):
themselves. And as I've seen myself
and others on these longer health, self,
care journeys, I'm noticing that people do start to swing back
to the middle.

Yes. I've never. It's so interesting that you
said this because I've, I have a couple of really
close friends kind of in that and they're
on the other end of it. And I remember I was thinking about
that and thinking about my own
journey and I, I know I was at that point
once and I had. And then there's this kind of like

(23:55):
where you, you kind of start to slide back to this
acceptance. The. You're a human being, being human.
You're not meant m. You don't have to like, pick every
single thing apart. It doesn't have to be
perfect. Yes. Like this. It's, it's
acceptance. And I, and I have seen that
in some really close friends of mine where they'll kind of go through this
journey and they're like, oh, here they go. They're like on the

(24:18):
extreme end. And you're right, they kind of like
start to swing back and, and
as, as friends or family, it's like you have
to. Knowing that it makes it a little bit easier.
You have more patience with them and go like, it's okay. It's
okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know,
I, I don't ever want to be stuck in that
place. I don't want to see someone stuck in that place where when your
friends come to you and say, I recently
had to have a really hard conversation with one of my best
friends where I was like, I'm concerned about
choices that you're making in your life right now. I

(24:54):
am concerned about the way you're living your life and how this is
impacting your health and your family and
your friends and everything. And she's in a place
right now where she's not able to hear that. Right.
I know she's going to come out of it. I don't want to see
her stay there. And so, you know, we have to be
the kind of people who do make

(25:14):
our way back to the middle where people are able.
You know, I've always said, if you want to hear the truth, you have to be
the kind of person who can be Trusted with the truth.
Meaning you have to be open, as you said, you have to be
open to hearing it. Willing to not
crash out.
And you're right. I think, I think most of us have been in that place. I was

(25:35):
in that place, I called it my era. when I was up here, I was like,
don't you dare to. I will not hear one
word about how I'm the problem.

Yeah, yeah.

And now I'm like, go ahead, hit me with it.

Yeah. And it's nice, it's nice
to be there, right? It's a very humbling,
transparent way of being.
You know, it's like, yes, I accept myself. Yes, I love
myself. But no, I'm not perfect. I don't.
I mean, I spent most of my life trying to be absolutely perfect
and it was exhausting. I was

(26:09):
like, I give up. Like, it's me,
whoever I am. You know, it makes me think of, In
Buddhism they talk about the middle way and
kind of like, like if you go over to, let's say
if we're driving on the road and you're over in the left
lane, you know, and you're going
super fast, and then you could veer off into the ditch and

(26:30):
it's harder to get back to the middle lane, right? Or on the other
side of it, right? You're going super slow, you go off in the ditch. But
if you stay in kind of like this nice, neutral, just like your
pendulum, right? Staying nice and neutral,
then it makes it a little bit easier because if we go
to the extreme, then it, it makes it more challenging to
get back to center.

Oh, it's very interesting. I like that.

Yeah, I like that analogy. I don't know.
Yeah, I like Middle way.
Yeah.
So, so what, what inspired your, your, the
book?
Like potato chips. I was eating potato chips
one night on the couch.

Well, okay, I'm just, I'm just
gonna be honest. My first book wasn't this book.
My first book was a book, that was about my
miscarriages and my crisis of faith
through that and sort of how I was exploring my
spirituality, through all of
that. And I began shopping that book around

(27:32):
and I had a few literary agents express
interest. But my, my number one
agent who was on my list, she reached out to
me, and she was like, it's a no. It's like it's a no from me.
But can we get on the, on the phone? And I was like,
yes, whatever you want, whatever you want to talk about, I'm open to
hearing it. This is fine. So we get on the phone and she

(27:53):
was already following me on social media. And
she was like, when I saw your name come across my desk, I
was so excited because I love what you do on social media.
What is this book? She was like, this has nothing to do with what
you do on socials. this had. She was like, it's,
it's wonderful. She wasn't being rude. She was very, very.

Yeah, yeah.

very much handled it with kick gloves. I'm, I'm not retelling this.
Well, according to how she handled it, she was very much
like, I understand how important and sacred this
topic is to you, but you don't have the kind of
platform that could support this.
Right? You don't speak about faith on your platform. You
don't speak about miscarriages and things like
that. and anyway,

(28:32):
she said, do you have anything that is related
to what you talk about on social media? Because I think that that
could really work and I would represent you if
you had that book. And I was like, oh, my God, I have
years of, I have years of stuff on that. And
so I took a couple days and I put together a
pitch for a book called Self Care potato Chips. the

(28:53):
beyond got slapped on at the end through the editorial
process, but it was self care potato chips. And that was from
a conversation I'd had with my therapist who had
basically said this to me at one point
because I was telling him about all the ways that I was spinning
my wheels, trying to
take care of myself. and, and he said to

(29:13):
me, he was like, amber, you're never going to get full on these self
care potato chips.

You're eating too funny.

And I, and I was like, what?
He was like, yeah, you're, you know,
you're like meticulously doing your
facials and you're taking your baths every night. Like you have
a, you have a scheduler for your baths and you
have like all very Capricorn of me. Like, you've, really,
really planned out all of your self care. He was

(29:40):
like, but you're neglecting things that could
actually make a difference in your life, like setting boundaries,
like having these hard conversations that you need to be having
with your, my then estranged husband. We
were separated at the time. you know, having these
difficult conversations, speaking, your
needs instead of just like hoping people will

(30:00):
show up for you and know what you need. And, and I was
like, yeah, that sounds like
something I should be doing. Started getting to work on
it. And, and then when I started working on it and realizing, oh,
my life is getting better, I thought, that should be a
book. That should be a book.

Isn't that interesting? I mean, now
that totally makes sense, especially with the title and the potato
chips. I mean those are, you know, those are empty
calories, right? I mean, like putting it that way in
regards to food. So the self care was
really, really what you needed was something more
nourishing, something heavy, something that is going
to stick with you instead

(30:39):
of like the. Yeah. I mean self care gets
thrown around so much now
and it's like what is it really? So, okay, I'm
going to ask you what really is self care?

So it's, it's funny, I'm looking
for a page in my book right now, which
I'm not sure I'm going to find without making
us take way too much time here. So I'm going to give that
Your question was what is, what is self care?

What is self care? Yeah. What is true
hardy self care?
Nourishing, nourishing,
heavy stick to your ribs. Self
care.

Yeah.

Or your brain, I should say.

So I think that that real self care, like the,
the kind that can nourish is the
kind that says I am
sacred. Who I am is sacred, my
peace is sacred, my mental health
is sacred, sacred and my relationships are
sacred. And I am going to
do everything I can to ensure that

(31:43):
these sacred things are protected.
And so. And and I think that that's important
because we, this is coming to
me on the fly. This is not a fully baked thought.

I like it though. I like it
already.

I feel like, you know, it's very easy to say, well, self care is
setting boundaries and speaking your needs and you know,
learning to resolve conflict and all these things. And
yes. But I think if
we forget that that's,
that is the action that you
take. But there's a
mindset that can't be divorced from that. And I

(32:21):
think that that's what we have to remember. The self care is actually the
mindset behind it, which is that
me and myself, sacred connections with
others matter so
much that I'm going to pour everything
that I have into making sure that they,
myself and these connections remain healthy.
That does mean setting boundaries. That does mean learning

(32:44):
how to say no when it's a no and an enthusiastic
yes when it's a yes. Yeah, that
means, being willing to have hard
conversations. That also means learning conflict
resolution. Learning not to just go no.

It's the Hard stuff. Yeah. Self care is not all fluffy.

Yeah.
And so the thing is like, the very, very last chapter
in my book is called self Care in the Abyss. I wrote
this chapter, actually, after the book was
finished. I think I had already sent the
final thing off to my publisher. And I added this
at the last second because I was just having a really, really
bad day. I had snapped at my daughter

(33:22):
and then I had gotten up from where I was because I
was ashamed that I snapped at her. And I went to my bedroom
to get away because I didn't want to do any more harm. And
she followed me and I shut the door
and I'm pretty sure I shut it in her
face. And then I threw a complete, like,
crash out meltdown temper tantrum in my room. And

(33:42):
it wasn't just about this one thing, right. It was about a cacophony
of things that had led up to this moment.
And I, I just, I
realized I was just
in a. I was in a place where none of the
delicious, nourishing, stick to your
ribs self care that I had been learning all this time was going to help me
out of this moment. Right. Like, nothing that I could do in that

(34:05):
moment except let the tantrum happen.
And so the part that I wanted to read that I cannot
find right now,
essentially that there's nothing wrong with self care potato
chips. And I think I get asked this question a lot on podcasts, is
that like, so, so we should just be done with the self
care potato chips. I'm like, no,

(34:29):
we need those. Sometimes you need to sit
in that bed, have a good old fashioned temper
tantrum, eat a whole bunch of Oreos and
take a bath and have a glass of wine. Like, sometimes that's
just all you can do. Just don't forget that you
also have to do the other stuff you have to do.

Exactly, yeah. Sometimes the potato chips help
you get back to, to center, get you back to that
middle way. Like, whatever can work, right? Because, yeah, I mean,
I was just. The other day I had a total meltdown.
And sometimes it's just like something silly that can
get you back. Like, you know, I'm going to take a walk in the park, you know,
like, okay. And it worked. Not always

(35:06):
the yoga or the potato chips. The walk in the park,
listening to, to music will help. I mean,
it can help like for those, you know,
minor, you know, breakdowns.
But like, I think the, the stick to the ribs
type of thing that keeps you from
totally having a meltdown in
life. Like yeah. Long term

(35:28):
chronic, right? Yeah.

And I found it. I found it.
Some days you may only have the energy for self
care potato chips. Maybe a bath or a facial, a
trip to the grocery store without your kids or taking a mental health
day from work is all you can muster. It's okay to let
that be enough on those days. After all, there's nothing
inherently wrong with potato chips. They feel good, they

(35:53):
taste good, they require so much less effort
than preparing a nutritious meal. They bring
comfort. But as anyone who has ever binge eaten an
entire bag of potato chips knows, those empty calories
wear off fast. You quickly find yourself hungry
again and have to eat something nourishing instead.
So enjoy the self care potato chips. When that's all you

(36:14):
can reach for, just make sure you're reaching for the nourishing
self care too. Speak your needs, hold your
boundaries. Give gentleness and firmness in equal
measure and always in the right context. And
it goes from there. But that's, that's the
premise.

I love that. Yeah, it's so true.

Yeah, you gotta be able to do both.

I'm craving potato chips.

But man, when this on
the COVID might have been a mistake, honestly. Because every time I look
at my book I'm like, I know, I
know.

But isn't that nice though? Like, we should be craving
self care. Whether it's the potato chips or the
hearty soup type of self care. Like, we
should crave it because we know like how good it
is for ourselves and for our
relationships and our whole life.

That's a really good point. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, you'll take it, you'll take it. But that in
there, we need a second edition.
This is so good though.
And it's a nice, it's a, it's a different way
of looking at it. I mean, it's so much
deeper than what is thrown around
nowadays, right. About self care. And I mean,
it's really about. Yeah, I mean it's taking

(37:29):
care of yourself and of your
life.

Yeah, yeah, it's about, it's about taking
care of, of everything yourself,
holistically, your relationships.
as my husband walks out the door for his meeting, he has to
go, okay, wait a minute. That's a
handsome man walk. Oh, it's my husband.

You're like, who is that?
And that. See, you've been taking care of yourself and your
life.

That's right.

Oh, well, thank you so much.
Okay, so where can we find you? And how do we get the
book?

Okay, so probably the fastest way to find me is just
Google me. I am, everywhere on the Internet. I'm
on every single social media platform. but my website
is Amber Wardell dot com. From there
you can also find all my stuff, all the links to my
socials, to my podcast, to, ah, a
newsletter. I do have a free, digital
download available right now. it's,

(38:26):
it's all about should we go to couples therapy? It's for
couples who are trying to figure out if they should go
to couples therapy or if maybe individual therapy might be
best first. That's based on my
husband, mine and my husband's own
journey through our separation and reconciliation. And you can
get that through my website.

You're awesome.

Oh, well, thank you.

And gorgeous too. You're so pretty.

Oh, you're so pretty. I again, I was sitting with my husband this morning and
both of us were like, she's beautiful.
pretty beautiful.

And she's a little wild and crazy. But.

Well, my husband said he was. I love her energy. She's so
energetic. I was like, she signs off her.

Emails energetically when
I know everyone seems to notice that. And I'll tell you, that's the word
that's is used to describe me the most is energy,
energy, energy, energy. But yeah, you just choose
to have it. We all, we're all energy.

Yeah.

Thank you, Amber. You're awesome.

I loved being here today. I appreciate it so much.

Thank you, everyone. Get her book. So good.
Yum, yum, yum. You can read it and eat potato chips at the
same time.

Yes, you can. You can even listen to it. I narrated it.
The link to all of that are are also on my website or it's on
Amazon, Target, Walmart, all those fun places.

Oh, and wait, and really quick too, because I know you got to go.
podcast. You also have a podcast?

I do. It's called the Sensible Sessions. I'd love
to have you on sometime.

Especially book is coming out.

We'd love to, love to have you talk about more.

Yeah. Thank you so much, Amber.

Thank you everyone.

Have a great day.
Did this podcast inspire you? Challenge
you, trigger you to make a change or stop spit out your coffee
laughing? Good. Then there are three ways you
can thank me. Number one, you can leave a written
review of this podcast on Apple iTunes.
Number two, you can take a screenshot of the
episode and share it onto social media and tag

(40:22):
me Wendy Valentine. Number three,
share it with another midlifer that needs a makeover.
You know who I'm talking about. Thank you so much for
listening to the show. Get out there and be
bold. Be free.

Be.

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261 🛁 Beyond Self-Care: Reframing Your Mind for True Wellness with Dr. Amber Wardell

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