273 💞 Self-Parenting & Soulful Relationships in Midlife with Monica Berg

Episode Transcript
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>> Monica Berg (00:00):
If you look at all the pain in the world, right,

(00:02):
and the damage, how people feel damaged,
or, the trauma that people
have, it's because somebody who should have loved
them actually hurt them, right? That's where it
all stems from. So, of course. And then you look at
those people and you say, okay, well, they did that because they don't love themselves. I mean,
really, when we have that within, then

(00:22):
we freely, joyfully,
excitedly give it to somebody else.

>> Wendy Valentine (00:27):
Hey, midlifers. Welcome to the Midlife Makeover
Show. Are you ready to break free from your
mundane midlife? Are you feeling trapped in a
vicious cycle of rinse and repeat days? No
matter if you're experiencing a divorce, hangover,
job burnout, or you just have the midlife
blues I got you. Hey, I'm
Wendy, your hostess of the midlife mostess.

(00:50):
I too, was hit by midlife like a freight train.
I too felt stuck in the same dull chapter.
I wanted the clarity of how to create a new life
beyond divorce and the courage to leave an
unfulfilling career. But I kept telling myself
that I wasn't worthy and it was just easier to stay
in my comfort zone. Until I found a little

(01:10):
secret. The freedom to live my life
my way. In this podcast, you will
learn how to achieve a vibrant midlife mind and
body, how to create solid relationships through
love and loss, and how to create an
awesome second half of life.
Grab your grande latte, pop in your earbuds,
and let's get this midlife party started.

(01:35):
I have some amazing news for you. My brand
new book, Women Waking up the Midlife
Manifesto for Passion, Purpose and Play,
is officially available for pre order.
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Through my personal stories and practical tools,

(01:56):
I'll walk you through my signature freedom framework.
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Rediscover your passions and create the life you've
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(02:18):
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(02:40):
and rise before the book even
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copy and thank you for supporting the Midlife
Makeover Show, Women Waking up, and most
importantly, thank you for making yourself a a
priority. That's why I do what I do
every single day. You can grab your bonuses
and pre order the book by heading to women

(03:02):
wakingup.com or wherever
books are sold. Let's wake up, beautiful.
Welcome back to the Midlife M Makeover Show. I'm your
host, Wendy Valentine, where we ditch
the midlife crisis and embrace midlife
awakening. Today we have an
incredible guest who's about to help us rethink

(03:22):
the way we show up for ourselves and our
relationships. Monica Berg is a
powerhouse of wisdom, a researcher of human
habits, and the author of Rethink Love,
Fear is Not an Option and Gift of
Being Different. She's been called the Marie
Kondo of the soul. Love it. Because she

(03:42):
helps us declutter our inner world and uncover
the joy that's been hiding beneath the
mess. As the co host of the spiritually
hungry podcast and a globally sought after
speaker, Monica is on a mission to help us bring
more light, love and strength into our lives,
starting from within. Today
we're diving into a game changing topic.

(04:05):
Self parenting. Have you ever stopped to
think about how you show up for yourself?
Are you nurturing, supportive and loving?
Or do you tend to criticize and
neglect your own needs? Monica is here
to guide us through the process of self parenting,
helping us understand the difference between
compromise and sacrifice and why learning to

(04:27):
care for ourselves is the foundation for thriving
relationships. This episode will inspire
you to take radical responsibility for
your own happiness. So get ready to
rethink, refresh and reignite your midlife
journey.
Please welcome Monica to the show.

Hello. Hello.
I have to say, your energy is infectious.
Honestly, I love it. I need a
little meme of you and just open it and your
smiley face. It's so great. It's so great. Thank you for
having me.

Yeah, I appreciate that. I think, that's the word that is
used to describe me the most is energy.

Yeah, I love it.

But it's a choice, right?

Totally.

There's days I. You like it, but I do.
I'm, as we were saying earlier, spiritually
hungry.
So I'm curious with you, what inspired
you to become an author and a
speaker and more specifically the niche of,
personal development.

I think that we all come into
the world with a knowing, we're just not aware of it.
And I was fortunate to hear
my voice early on in Life. I was 17
and I found the wisdom of Kabbalah
and it transformed my life. It was
the first time we all have questions when we come into this

(05:51):
world. Why do good things happen to bad people? Why
do bad things happen to good people?
I said the same thing twice, but you know what I mean.
why, it was so important.

You had to say it.

I say it two different ways. why is there pain and suffering?
What is our purpose in this world? Is there such a
thing as reincarnation? And there were not a lot of
adults around me who could answer any of those questions.
So when I found this wisdom, it literally answered any
question I had and had for the rest
of my life. New questions that came up too. So it

(06:24):
put me on this path of self
discovery and, finding my purpose.
And then from that, it kind of became
just everything. I wanted to help
people remove pain from their own lives and suffering from their
own lives. I wanted to help people find their own purpose. So I
never intended to be an author. I was terrified

(06:45):
of public speaking. I,
sat behind a desk. Even though I was pushing
spirituality, trying to awaken people, it was really from
behind the scenes kind of role. And then
I, you know, as my voice got
louder inside of myself, as I started to recognize it
and started to feel like there
might be a powerful spark within me, I started to ignite

(07:07):
it. And then I pushed myself to do things that were really,
really uncomfortable, to public speak now. I love
it. The bigger the crowd, the better. and really writing,
you know, I never
studied, to be a writer. I never
focused on that. But I think when you have something to say
and you believe in what you want to say, then you
are compelled to find ways to do it. So it's not even like, do they

(07:29):
like me? Will this be popular? What will
people think of me? There is no they in the equation. It is
really like soul expression
of self and of purpose. So that's kind of
how it all started, really.

I love how you said that. Soul
expression. Because I think, like, I don't
know. For me, when I look back years ago,
when I finally really
stepped out into the world as
Wendy, it was really stepping
out of the way and, letting my soul lead. You
know what I mean? Like, and, we never really think of it that way. That

(08:06):
way. I think sometimes we go about it like the
backwards. And it's like if we just
get out of our own way and let our
soul lead, then everything
just flows so much easier.

Yeah, I think often people, and I hear this all the time. In fact, we just
did a retreat, spiritually, hungry retreat, a week
ago. And it was the, theme was your
purpose is Purposeful, right? And people often think
that they need to find their purpose and then they'll be
purposeful. It doesn't work like that. You have to believe
that you have a purpose. You don't even need to

(08:40):
know what it is. But you need to start putting energy in
what lights you up, what excites you. I often give
that example of the children's, game. I played
it as a child. You walk into a room where your friends
have hidden something and you have to walk
around. And if you get closer to the object that is hidden, they say, oh, you are
getting warmer. If you get further away, you are getting colder. I think that that

(09:00):
is how we have to navigate our lives as
we go and we do things and we learn different things, or we
explore, we experience, experiment. We know what feels
warm. And often we say, no, no, no, I can't give
energy there now because this other thing's expected of me.
Or, I cannot do that thing that makes me feel warm because
what will people think? So it's that contrast and that

(09:21):
constant battle of external
versus internal. And so I think it's all
about internal. And then your internal should match your
external, but it's never the other way around. Don't expect to
say, okay, I know what I'm supposed to do. And it comes
to you in a light bulb flash. For some it does. And they're
lucky. I feel like I was really lucky to have that. But that's

(09:41):
not the norm, right? And I think it's not
even about luck. It's kind of like,
you know, for years, the first part of my life,
first 25 years, I really struggled with self
worth. I developed an eating disorder when I was 18.
I felt, full of shame.
I didn't feel worthy of things. And so I didn't have a choice

(10:02):
to raise up that volume of like, what is it? I really
want, you know, where is that kind voice within me? Because
that's not the one I'm hearing. I'm hearing all of the judgment. I'm
hearing the need to be perfect. I'm hearing this critical
voicing everything through that critical lens. And so
I was basically going to die if I didn't change,
right? So I feel blessed in that way because it made

(10:22):
me fast forward that process. But I think
everybody has to go through that because we all care to some degree or
another, right? some. For it's not a life or
death thing. For me it was. But ultimately it kind of is a
slow death when you live somebody else's version of a life.

Oh, gosh, yeah.
What was that moment for you? Do you remember that moment when that
light bulb moment, you're like, I'm done. I've got to change
my life or I'm going to die. I've got
to get back to my soul's
purpose.

Yeah, it was really, really an aha moment.
The biggest one I've ever had. I call it the gift of
sight. one of the things
that, we Kabbalah teaches and that
I live by is that we live in an illusionary
world. There's the 99% world, and there's the 1%
world. So the 1% actually is what
we think we understand. Right. It's everything

(11:12):
we see. It's our five senses. Tastes,
smell, touch. It's the illusion because you can see things,
and then you see it differently. At a different stage of your life, you can see
somebody one way and see them differently. Something tastes good, and
then you can't stand it. Something felt good, and now
it makes your skin crawl. So that's not
lasting. The 99% are all the things that we can't

(11:33):
see. It's why you and I can right now speak with each other.
And you're in Portugal, and I'm in New York City. There's a lot of things that are making that
happen. We don't busy ourselves with really understanding that fully,
but that is what is making this a reality. So that 99%
are all the things that really matter, like kindness and
empathy and compassion and love.
Right.

(11:53):
so the sight part, and that is why I really, for me,
it was such a profound moment. So with anorexia, part
of that is you really cannot see what you look like. And for me,
and what most understand today about that
disorder is that it's not, I know I was never
overweight. It was never a need to want to be
thin. It was the desire to control,

(12:13):
which is the biggest delusion of all, because you cannot
control anything. Right. The biggest fear anybody has is the fear of the
unknown. Well, everything's an unknown. The only thing you can do
is embrace it any way you choose to. Right.
So, I was in a state
where when I looked in the mirror, I saw something that was
not real. I saw a very, very obese,
person. And I saw that every day

(12:36):
for two years. And I remember I would do this thing in the morning,
which was a pinch test, and I would take my thumb
and my forefinger and I would pinch my stomach.
Now, in my mind, what I saw Was like, that much. I was, like,
squeezing. There was not even skin,
right? So for whatever reason, this one
morning, I was doing that. And I had my nightie
on, my oversized T shirt. I slept

(12:59):
in, and I pulled it up, and for whatever reason, I saw
what I actually looked like. And
I was terrified.
I started screaming. I could not believe
that I had done that to myself. I could not believe it. I
could not believe it. I finally saw, and
I started screaming for my mother. And

(13:19):
poor thing, she was sure that my heart was going to give out at any moment.
I was just so,
So frail and so thin. And I saw. Started screaming.
I said, what did I do? What have I done?
And that was. From that moment on, I knew that I had a
problem, right? And I also knew that I would go
back to seeing the illusion, but I knew I couldn't take it

(13:40):
seriously. So once I was
honest with myself, which, again, a lot of the work that I do
is tell people, you don't actually have to change
anything about your life, but you have to be honest with
yourself. You can say, I don't like this, but I'm prepared to do
absolutely nothing with it. I'm not going to change a thing. But
I don't like this. Start there. So
every day I was like, okay, I know what I'm seeing is an

(14:02):
illusion. I don't feel good. Right? And I
started to, journal like crazy.
I met with a therapist for a brief period, just
till I started to recognize my own voice.
And I met with nutritionists. So those two.
The therapist, nutritionist, didn't last very long. They were
tools for me to help get tapped into

(14:22):
my intuition, my authentic self. And the
journaling, really, you know, I still have the journals, and once in a
while I'll go back and read it. And I'm just. I'm.
I. I love that person. Like, I'm. I'm not that
person anymore. I feel sad for her and,
like, I can't speak that that was me. It's. It's such a different
lifetime. It's a different. A different

(14:42):
person. but I have such compassion for her.
Really.

Yeah. I do, too. That's got to be so hard.
You know, it's funny that you had said about the
99%, because when you were. Earlier, the very
beginning, we talked, and when I
started learning about neuroscience and
neuroplasticity and the rewiring of the brain,
and I was reading this book, and he was talking

(15:06):
about how an atom is
99.9999% energy
and it leaves only 0.00001%
matter. And why does it matter? It
matters because we are more energy
than matter.

We.

And everything is. The chair you're sitting on,
our laptops, the glass of water,
everything is that 99%
that you talked about. But we focus
on that tiny 1%. But
naturally so, because as a human being, you know, we were
given the sight, and so that's what we focus on. And

(15:42):
like, you were talking, like, with our senses. But
the beauty, the miracles and the
magic, all of that is in that
99% of what you cannot
see.

I couldn't see better myself. I would take it a step
further. Our purpose is
to fight the ego
desire, which is that 1%,
and tap into the 99%. So when it's hard,
when you see the illusion and you
can't even recognize it, at least tell yourself this is an illusion and
choose kindness over the ego's choice. Right? That

(16:17):
is really our battle in this lifetime. Which one are you going to choose?
Where are you going to put your energy? Because if we are all energy,
where are you investing it? And what is lasting and eternal?
Which is, again, those things like kindness, for
instance. You can be a parent, right? What kind of parent you
are? It's different for everybody. We can have
our children, can know we love them, we can make sacrifices for

(16:38):
them. But will that stay with them when we're gone?
No. It's going to be those moments where we stopped everything,
right? Where we had a conversation that was so powerful and
meaningful, it changed the way they saw something. And that will
stay with them forever. That's how we're supposed to live life,
to invest in those things that are eternal. And of course,
yes, we are physical, so we're going to enjoy
pleasure. And we're meant to, by the way. It's just.

(17:01):
How much emphasis and weight do you put on the importance of
that?

Right. It's almost like, there's that,
parable of the. The little boy that goes to
his grandfather and the grandfather said he has a battle
within him.

I love that one.

Yes, I know. Yeah. The tools. Yeah, yeah. So there's
like the good wolf, that is peaceful and
loving and wonderful and kind.
And then there's the evil wolf, that is, you
know, ego and,
dishonesty, etc. And then the little
boy. Yeah. Which one wins? It's the
one that you feed. And I'm like,

(17:37):
again, you know, I try to remind myself of this. We're human
beings being human. Yes. Like, we're in these human
bodies. Right. But at the same time, you've
really got to feed that. That
spirit. The. The 99% the
invisible. And. And now it, like, really makes even more
sense. The spiritually hungry. Right.
Like, which one do you feed? You know, the spirit.

Exactly.

We forget to do that. We forget to feed this
wonderful spirit that is carrying
us through this lifetime.

Yeah. What are you chasing? You know, I mean, when we started,
before we started filming, we were talking
about how everything's a choice, right? Joy is.
Happiness is a choice. Living life is the way, you
know, everything is a choice. We're so lucky that we have free will
and that we have the ability to
choose so many things. The, the real emphasis, though, and

(18:28):
that's why I love what I do, is just to remind
people of what, what
we should be investing in. Right?

Yes.
How did you end up getting control or
managing, the wolves? The. The
conversation, the chatter in your mind that
was basically controlling your beliefs, your
values, your actions, behaviors, et cetera.

So, I didn't see that it was
controlling my actions. I saw that there was
a veil of. Of an illusion over me. It's kind of
like if you have a light bulb, right, it shines bright, but if you
put a sheet over it, it's going to be a little bit more
dim. And then another one and another one. Before you know it, it has all these coverings
and shells. You can't see the bright light.
So what I realized is that I had gotten to a point

(19:15):
where my belief systems were very flawed.
They were very limiting, and they were just
downright wrong. Right? So the belief
systems were, you're not good enough. You're not
lovable. you're not perfect enough. So I started to
challenge those thoughts. Well, what is perfect? What is
perfect? We're not meant to be perfect. It's a dead end and it's
impossible. So I started to challenge those

(19:38):
thoughts that were not supporting me. Those thoughts that were
making me not feel well. And first I
had to hear them. So once I would hear them, I would say, wait a second. That is not
kind. Right. and it is also not
true. So I started
to decipher between
what was false and then also what I really desired.
You know, what did I want from life? I wanted to be loved. I

(20:01):
realized if I want to be loved, I have to learn to love myself.
and I was just honest. You know, if I felt shame or I felt
guilt, I would write it and I would look at it and I'd say, okay. Well,
why am I feeling that? And the truth is, you
know, those three feelings. Blame, shame, and guilt
are. You know, we have many emotions. We're meant to have positive and
negative, right? The negative ones are meant to wake m

(20:22):
us up and say, what you're doing is not what you should be
doing, right? It's if you're finding yourself sad
or not motivated most days, maybe you should change your routine.
If you are judging yourself, right? Well, maybe
it's time to stop. If you have anxiety, maybe your body
and your soul are out of alignment and you're not doing actions that
are worthy of who you want to be. Right? But

(20:42):
shame, blame, and guilt have no place in our lives. Those are
three emotions that keep us stuck. They keep us small. They keep us
from not changing at all. So I started to really
chip away at that. And when I started to feel shame or blame
or guilt, I'd say, okay, why do I feel this way? I have
options. If I don't like something I did, I can do it differently.
So blame is something

(21:03):
happened, and it's their fault. Guilt is
something happened and it's my fault. Shame
is something happened, and I am now bad
because of it. Right? Something bad happened, and I am
bad. So my shame was off the charts high.
Like, everything was just in that kind
of, frame for me. So I
slowly started to challenge that until I never feel those

(21:25):
emotions anymore. Ever, ever, ever don't
exist. Because, you know, when you recognize
something and you can see that you could do it better. So you get
another opportunity tomorrow. You know, it might not be
exactly.

I mean, I think, yeah, it's the awareness of it. It's
okay if you do have those emotions. but knowing
you're like, wait a second, I'm feeling this shame, or I'm feeling
this guilt. It's. And then to question it, you
know, where is this coming from? What you know? And
then to change that into have.

It is okay to have the emotions for, a short period of time.
Honestly, we do not need them. Because let me tell you something. If you made a
mistake, well, guess what. You can either
correct it, Go to the person, say, I am sorry, or if you cannot do that,
then you can say, okay, next time this happens.
I saw a homeless person. I did not help them. And
I feel so bad about it. I feel so guilty. I have so much fortune.

(22:14):
Whatever. So tomorrow, the next day, or even go to a
homeless shelter. My point is, with those three feelings, you
can actually do something about it.
It's there to say okay, I'm not comfortable with the choice I
made. So then choose differently. But to beat yourself up about
a choice you made when you didn't know better. Right,
right. And now you've recognized it. So then, now you can do better.

(22:35):
I just. I don't think they should exist.

Yeah, I agree.
You know, I want to go back to. You were talking about purpose,
and, even for myself, I used to think
purpose was a vocation. It's a
career. It's something that you do. It can be, but
not always. And I love what you said earlier about,
like, your purpose is. I mean, you're just here. You. You
are here in this lifetime. That is. It's like.

(22:59):
You know what I mean? Like, we're not supposed to fit in a certain box with
the label. Like, this is your purpose. Now you can go on.
You know, it's like. And I think it
evolves. I don't know about you. Like, especially
in my fort. You know, in my 40s, I started to
kind of really rethink a lot of that, and now I'm in my
50s, and it looked great.

(23:19):
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Good filters on Zoom.
But, you know, you really start to think
of just like you were saying, like, what do you enjoy?
What do you love? And. And you go after
that. I mean, I kind of think of, like, life as a buffet, right? Like,
you go up, you sample what you like. Oh, I like that.
I'll go back for more. You don't like it, then you don't go back for

(23:40):
it again. Right? But in. And we
change, we should change. We should evolve. And, like, what you
liked in your 50s may not be the same of what you liked in your
20s.

I love this idea and this conversation.
I can say a lot about purpose. I think
that, I think that if you
discover your purpose, which means
it's something that you really feel you were
meant to do, you enjoy it. You find
meaning from it. Right? Meaning is a really powerful world
word. It's not something that you're just good at. but you find it to be

(24:13):
meaningful for you, and you're seeing the effect in the
world. That's purpose. Now, as you get older,
that will deepen, right? You'll find different ways to do it. You'll have.
Your consciousness will expand, and you'll say, oh, I did it
like this. Now I want to do it like that. Right? So you'll go more in that.
Now let's say you haven't found your purpose. Well, it's going to
be Harder, Right. That means you're going to have to make a choice that will be

(24:33):
uncomfortable. It might even be scary. I've done this. This is. Is secure. But I am
not feeling this is what I am supposed to do. So make that change
as hard, but it is still necessary and purposeful. In
Kabbalah, there is something called tikkun, which means
correction. So everybody comes into this world
with a point of correction. A lot of times
our purpose really is about that. So, for instance, let's
say that somebody, as I believe

(24:56):
in reincarnation. I'm not sure about your listeners or even you, but let's
say that somebody, came into
this lifetime to learn how to
receive, love, right? Maybe in a past
lifetime, for whatever reason, they didn't do this or
that, or they made certain mistakes, they come back and they're put in
a specific situation that's going to help them experience

(25:16):
that. That could be their only purpose in this lifetime. Right?
So it's a very kind of, like, wide
understanding of what that looks like. on
our podcast on Spiritually Hungry, we had somebody named
Laura Lynn Jackson. And again, I don't know if your listeners are into this, but
I find this really fascinating. She's a clairvoyant, but she's
also like a medium. Like, she has all the

(25:37):
Claires. There's like seven of them. You know, she can hear,
she can see, she can intuit, like, I mean,
everything. And she's written two books that are really kind
of, I think, very interesting. but she talked
about a lot of her work was being able to
see, children who had passed on. These souls
would come to her, which is really, really hard. Okay.
Like, children, obviously, they die,

(25:59):
I mean, before their time. And it is
incredibly painful for the parents. So these
souls would come to her to give messages to the parents because they could
see their parents suffering. I know.

Oh, it would be so hard.

And she goes into great detail,
which is a whole longer story. I will not go into all the things, but this one
story really kind of stayed with me. And it was about this
child who died when they were
six. But he was already preparing the
parents from when he was 4 and 5.
And he would talk about death, and he would talk about when he was going to
die. And of course, that terrified them. Like, what are you

(26:33):
talking about? You are healthy. He is like, no, but it is okay.
I am just curious about this. What happens? And then he
died. And they just could not. They just could not get
past the pain. and he would Leave them signs
and ways of things that would be reminders, like rainbows. But they
were looking for very specific signs. And there were other ways. Like,
it wasn't a rainbow in the sky, but it was a rainbow that he drew on a

(26:54):
picture, right? Like, just different things. But the point is,
his message to them when he came back through her is
that he only came back in this lifetime to
receive unconditional love. That was it.

He didn't come for, any other.

Purpose because in his prior lifetime, he didn't have that.
And he said, you both love me more than I could
ever hope to be loved. Like, that was all I was supposed to receive. And you
did it so perfectly and exceptionally. I wasn't supposed to be here
anymore, you know? So I think that there are.
It's an extreme example. And again, maybe
some don't believe in that, but for me, it represents

(27:26):
purpose. There are so many reasons
we're here, right? So
we will find our purpose. But I think if we're,
looking to be purposeful, right, in any
capacity, which, again, you could be in a job you
don't love, but you can find ways to be kind, right? You
can find ways to give of your heart. I think that leads you
then to the next step.

Hi, I'm, Wendy Valentine, host of the Midlife
Makeover Show. Today I want to share something
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I've always thought too. It's like, I mean, I know the world
is crazy and probably always will
Be, you know, but always think,
like, taking radical responsibility,
just like I said earlier. And we can

(29:15):
be good human beings. It's really
not that hard just to be a good human
being. We make
it challenging for ourselves, but we can
take responsibility and we can do good for ourselves.
And no matter what it is. I mean,
this is silly, but, the other night I was, you
know, know, I'm here in Madera, and I'm right here in

(29:37):
the. In the city, and there's a few homeless
people that are over here. And, you know, a
lot of them, they're drunks and they're drinking and
singing and stuff. And I was coming back from dinner
and. And there's this guy, he's just. He's so
nice. He never asked for money or anything.
And. And I thought because it was Sunday,

(29:58):
so I was like, I gotta clean up my diet before
tomorrow. So I went
pantry and I got, like, bag of chips, all the
sorts of stuff I was. Should not be eating. And I went
out there and just. And I poured him a glass of
wine in a little cup and gave him some
chips and some M&M's. And he was just like,
oh, my gosh. He was just like, but it's

(30:20):
so small where I, you know,
I could have just sat on the couch and eaten those chips, you know, but
instead for him, that was just like,
oh, my God, it was the greatest thing ever for him. And he just
smiled. He was so grateful. Actually spoke really good
English. But I mean, the point is, this is tiny little
things that we can all do.

(30:40):
And it does make a difference whether
it's, you know, known throughout the world or not on
a podcast or it's just known to the person down the
street. It doesn't matter.

And how great do you feel still from doing that action?

Oh, God. I loved. Yes. I love, love, love, love.

That is so soul. Soul. Ego
does not. Right. So that's what I'm saying. Do things that
are purposeful. It just. And then it. It
feeds you to do the next thing, and then you want to do. And you look for
it. Like, I've been driving around New York City, it's been cold, so there
haven't been a lot of people, homeless people on the street. But I have two pairs
of sneakers that are, like, not great for workout, but they're

(31:16):
perfectly fine. And I have, like, protein bars. And I
can't find anybody because it's been too cold. I'm like, I don't want to leave it on the side of
the road because they'll just throw it out.
but yeah, it's just. It's that. It's those kinds of
things.

It's interesting, though, too. It's like as you feed someone
else's soul, it feeds your own,
and it goes into that 99. Right.
Like, it's. We're all in this big soup
of energy feeding each other. It's
this beautiful thing that if you tap into
it, it's just one of.

The, tenants of Kabbalah is sharing, is the most
selfish thing you can do. Because it
is. Yeah. It's great for your soul and it makes you
feel good. I mean, that's the truth.

Yeah. And sharing, if it's anything, it's sharing
your voice, sharing your, like,
helping any. Any which way. There's so many ways that you
can share. And I mean, for me, even doing
this podcast, and I'm sure for you, like, in your writing,
all of that, that's sharing your love and sharing
your knowledge, your wisdom, and it's giving
back.

Absolutely.

Yeah.
So if you could sum up, like, in your
reincarnation, in this lifetime, if you could sum up in a
sentence, what was your purpose in coming back in this
lifetime? What were you supposed to learn?

No one's ever asked me that question before, actually. I've been asked
a lot of questions. I don't
know. I guess I'm still in the middle of a process, as we all are, so I
can't fully answer that. I can tell you, though,
what I have embraced
so completely and so against my nature, because
I think that's a big part of it is to go against our

(32:55):
nature. I'm a Virgo, so the way I came
into the world is, like, very, you know, seeking
perfection. Love a good place
planner, very organized,
very hard, on myself.
Very reliable and accountable, but to a
fault, to the point where I'll suck the life

(33:15):
out of me to be there. So I can tell you what
I've embraced in this lifetime that's very against my nature,
which is. I call myself a change junkie.
I embrace change. I seek change. I
think change is freedom. I think it's liberating. I
think perfectionism is a
cell, with invisible shackles,

(33:37):
and really gone against my nature to speak up
and speak out and not quiet my voice anymore
and not shame myself. I can tell you until this point in
my life what I have done, and what I
continue to do. And I know that. I think
that for the rest of my life, it will continue
to go to the next level in all those areas because I

(33:57):
really came with such. Just,
just so hard. Hard on myself, really.
Just so hard. and so unforgiving.
And yeah, it's a journey. And I, like
where I'm at. I'm excited to see where I'll go next.

Yeah, I saw that on your website about the change junkie. I was like,
oh, I love that. I could totally.

Not like that. Not like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I was. I mean, for myself, I'm a recovering
codependent, people pleasing perfectionist.
Oh my. But it was so exhausting.
M. And then finally, yeah, until
I finally woke up, I was like, what am I doing all this for?
Like, everyone's going to be doing their own thing anyways. What? Like, they

(34:40):
don't seem to be pleased with everything. I'm jumping through all these
hoops. Like, what am I doing? Yeah.

I'm not even recognizing it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so liberating to just
break free from all that and just be. Just
be who you are. And. And I'm like, I love
change. Love change. Like, I mean,
to me it's like, you know, a
comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows
there. And so I'm always like, get
me out. Like, I want to grow, like, more. And like, it, it's, it

(35:10):
is, you know, spiritually hungry. Like, it's.
Once you experience some of that change, you just
want more and more and more. It's like, wow.

Even.

Even if it's like horrible stuff you have to go through in life. And
I've been through some crappy things in life,
but oh my gosh, have I changed so
much as a result of all of that darkness?
Like, to me that lightness is in the
dark. Like, you have to go in
there and grab that light and it stays with
you 1000%.

I think. I think really spirituality, I mean, if you're really
living it, is an ejection seat from the
comfort zone. like you said, nothing,
nothing good happens there, really. Because then it's like you've kind
of gone through life and you've accumulated a lot of
things. And I'm sure there's
success and I'm sure there's highs, there's also lows.
But the problem with the comfort

(36:03):
zone is that you're so afraid that all
these things that you've accumulated and attained are going to be taken from you,
but they're not even filling you anymore. You know, that's just not how life's meant
to Be lived. Really?

Yeah.
Let's talk about the self parenting. And it's kind of
a term that's being thrown around now, like the self love and
self care. But what is self parenting to you?

So I came to this, a few years ago, actually. I have
four children. And, it was a really hard
day. It was cold, New York City, winter. I don't know, I just
remember. And I was exhausted, and I had the thought
that, like, I just. I wish my mom was here. She lives in
California. And then I realized the truth is, I didn't really,
like, if she was there, she wouldn't have made me feel better. I love

(36:44):
her, God bless her. But the truth was, I didn't really want
my mother. I wanted to be
parented. I wanted someone to come and
hug me and say, you need a break or come
have a cup of tea or, just go
for a walk or let me help you.
Everybody should just take a break. And I thought, whoa, wait

(37:04):
a second. I need to be that voice for myself.
Why am I not parenting myself? If I'm
tired, I shouldn't force myself to work.
If, I'm feeling stressed, I can walk away and
come back to it. If I need a timeout and
do nothing, I should do that. So all the things that
I remember telling my friend at the time, and she's like, oh, my God, that sounds

(37:25):
tragic. I was like, why? She's like, I'm a really strict parent.
I was like, okay, this is a different conversation, because that's not the
point, but it actually gives us something to think about, you
know? and I started to
implement that, and I'm still not great at it,
I'll admit that.
because I really do feel like, I mean, we
don't have a finite amount of time, and I want to accomplish

(37:48):
certain things, but I understand that self care, self
love, self parenting is so necessary.
and one of the ways I've done that, as I really
learned to guard my time, really respect my time, you
know, and not, just say yes to everybody. Sometimes the right thing is to say
no. And that's even the spiritual thing. Right. That was the
tricky part. Like, I had to get. I had to navigate that in my own mind.

But, well, and if you think about it, too, if we,
you know, if you didn't have the greatest parents, whoever's out there
listening, if you didn't have the greatest parents.

Yeah.

This is an opportunity to become your own
most amazing parent. Like, how. How would you treat
yourself? And I think for Me, like,
I. I do try that self parenting
and self love. And if I'm having a bad
day, I'll try to instead of giving myself a
hard time. Like, when do you need to be like, actually yesterday

(38:37):
for some weird. I was just tired. I mean, was. The
sun was shining. It's beautiful. And I was just like, I don't know,
I'm just tired. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was
like, okay. The old Wendy
would have been like, oh, my God, you need to, like, get in
a good mood. You need to sit there, you need to do this. You go to the
gym. And then I would wear myself

(38:57):
out anyways. Right now I'm
like, it's okay. You're having a bad
day. You know, tomorrow's gonna be better. You'll be
just fine. So I try
to speak kind words to myself and.
And there's a gnat that keeps
bugging me, right? It's like going up in my nose.

I can't see it.

You're watching on YouTube, there's a bug going in my nose.
Okay. The Portuguese Nat. It's
bugging me. But yeah, I think it's really important to
pay attention to how you're speaking to
yourself, especially in times of
stress and worry.

And also, you know, think about this, like, what
expectations do you have of yourself? Are they fair? Are they
realistic? Are you overbooked? Are
you, spread too thin? Do you have too many commitments?
Right? We do this to our children, too. I mean, there's so many
ways, yet again, taking time to just
be still. Like, you know, Albert
Einstein would sail. That was his way of

(39:57):
getting. Having amazing understandings and
ideas. Steve Jobs liked
to doodle, and he came up with all these kinds of
things, you know, to create. And by the way, he didn't believe in wasting time, which
is why he wore the same outfit every day, right?
So, like, ah, there's just so many ways we can just
stop. I think the parenting thing is,
again, if you're a conscious parent, you're looking at your

(40:19):
children or your child and you're anticipating their
needs. you're looking to see if they're healthy, if they're
rested enough. are they eating a balanced
diet? Do they feel loved? Do they feel
nurtured? Do they feel seen? Do they feel heard?
and also they're changing all the time, and you're recognizing
that and you're looking for the change. What if we did

(40:40):
that for ourselves and we were so curious about who we
are meant to become? It's a game changer.
Really?

Yeah.
I mentioned to you earlier about, you know, being this, you know,
codependent, people pleasing
perfectionist. And through a
lot of work I had figured out where it stemmed from
and, and it was from being abandoned as a
child. And once I
really connected those dots and
figured that out and where it led me to, throughout

(41:10):
my life, I now try my best to
take of that little girl that was
abandoned because. And I don't. And I, I know
for me, when things kind of bubble up within
me and those old beliefs pop in or those
fears pop in, I'm like, oh,
okay, it's probably because of this. And

(41:30):
then, it sounds silly, but I'll sometimes talk to that
little Wendy and be like, girl, it's okay, you can
relax, no one's abandoning you. You know,
it's like these, these program things in
our hearts and our, in our, you know, minds and
our souls that they're there. But I,
for me, it's been the awareness of like,

(41:50):
okay, it's there. It might creep up, I might get
triggered, but it's okay. I can
manage it now.

Yeah, it's interesting because,
Well, first, one of the biggest things that I like
about this definition of
rejection. Is that it's not so
much, that what you're offering isn't
good, it's just. It's not for the person that you're trying to
give it to. Right. So
I'm assuming it was your mom. I don't know why I'm feeling that.

(42:19):
But you're, you're very clear, sentient
like me. Yes. so
this really her, her pain and that, you
know, and I'm sure you know all this, right? But in Kabbalah, when we
talk about tikkun. So you could say,
okay, why was I born to this person? Why did
I have to have that experience? Even though this is on her, it is not

(42:39):
acceptable, it is not
justifiable, it is not
even forgivable, but that is on her.
But then I would ask myself the question, so why did I have
this experience? And I
think it is for you to get to this place of I am more
than enough. And yeah, and I'm supposed
to give myself all those things that a mother should give a

(43:01):
child, right?

Yeah.

For whatever reason, that's your process in this life. And we won't get all
the answers and we won't have them. We're not meant to have them. But
certainly to get to a place where you understand you are
completely Whole and lovable.
And this has nothing to do with, with you really, quite
honestly, other than the experience that you need to have in
this lifetime for whatever reason.

Yeah. And I think too, you know, for me it
was learning that I was abandoning
myself eventually after all that. and then
now I teach for women to
not abandon themselves. Right.

Very powerful. Yeah.

Yeah. It only took me 50 years to get.
I'm like, wow.

Well, that's when we get wise.

I know, right?
So, oh, that's. I'm gonna look at my notes here
because there was something. Oh. what? The difference between
compromise and sacrifice. Because I
too, I think with women especially,
we, we're. I mean, we're givers, we're lovers, we,
we want to, you know, unfortunately, sometimes we'll. We'll
put the mask on, the oxygen mask on others before we put it

(44:07):
on ourselves, because that's what we should do. We take care of
others. So how, how do
you, you know, between the two?
Compromise and sacrifice. And, and to not feel
like if we say no to something that we don't feel
bad or guilt or shame.

Well, if again, we need to say no, because
if not, we're never going to say yes to ourselves. Sometimes. Right. And sometimes
it's a choice between our needs and somebody else's.
so I help a lot of couples. my husband and I have
officiated over 500 weddings and counting.
Legit. so compromise is
when two people obviously have different, perspectives,

(44:45):
point of views, desires even. and it's
coming to a place where you have an
agreement. Right. Usually one is happier than
the other, but you come to some place where you're comfortable
enough and I'll unpack that in a second. And
sacrifice is when you give up something that you
deeply value
for somebody else.

(45:06):
And when we sacrifice, we always give up more than we
intended. So the rule of compromise is,
if, for instance, let's say between two
people in a relationship, one, it matters more
to them for various reasons versus the other.
Right. If it's less important to you, it's just
uncomfortable, or your ego doesn't want to do it, but it really matters to your

(45:26):
partner, that's when you should step up and compromise. And there'll be
other times where they have to do that. Right. And I think if we're being
honest, we can all get to that place. Sacrifice.
I call it the now and later test.
So let's say, for instance, you're
being asked to give something up, in the name of compromise.
Right. So you say, okay, how will I feel about that decision

(45:47):
in one month and five years and 10 years? Or
even one year, five years, 10 years. If in 10
years you will have deep regret about having
given that up, then you know it's a sacrifice and not a compromise.
Even in five years? Probably even in one year.
Right. So it's kind of like, those are, those become really,
really clear, like, no, I'll never be okay with that.

Yeah, yeah, I can relate to
that. Have you, have you
ever, like, looking back, have you made
sacrifices instead of compromise?

Not in my marriage, no.

That's good.

We've been married. It will be 28 years, in
August. And we are a very emotionally
intelligent couple. But also the other secret for a
successful relationship is spirituality. If not the ego
wins, right? You pit each other against each other, you
stop being friends, you lose appreciation. And when appreciation
is lost, the relationship's lost. So I think the

(46:41):
success is really in the spirituality of, it. Of course we have fun together.
We deeply love each other. But love is not enough. Because when you love
somebody and you do not appreciate them, you cannot access that love. And then you
do not think you love them anymore, only to realize later you did
or not, if the ego's still talking. But,
no, I think in my childhood, I think in
my home as a teenager, I think I sacrificed a

(47:03):
lot. nothing, nothing that was
damaging. because I was young, right. The stakes weren't as
high, but yeah, I
sacrificed care, ah, for
myself, love for myself, to make somebody else feel good,
you know?

Yeah. I think it's one thing too, is we
take better care of ourselves. Naturally
flows into our relationships.
I mean, we always like, hear that. It's like so cliche. Love
yourself first, but truly,
yeah, put yourself first. Right.

And well, I mean, love is such an adulterated word
really, it's, ah, lost its meaning. which is why my
book is called Rethink Love. But what I've realized
lately, I mean, I guess I always knew it, but I
had a different understanding of it, is that
love is. And it is another
cliche. Love's the answer. But if you look at all
the pain in the world and the

(47:56):
damage, how people feel damaged or,
the trauma that people have, it's because somebody
who should have loved them actually hurt
them. That's where it all stems from.
And then you look at those people and you say, okay, well they did that because they don't love
themselves. I mean, really, when we have that
Within. Then we freely,

(48:16):
joyfully, excitedly give it to somebody
else. Yeah, you can't skip
that step, really, no matter how old you are.

You're very wise. I'm glad you
were reincarnated into this lifetime with me.
Just for me. Just for me and my loved ones.

Thank you. Well, we need a little bit of each other. You're
spunky, and you just make me smile, which is great.

Thank you. I try to do, a little. It's funny, like, on
my Instagram. It's like, I have a little bit of wisdom, a little bit of
wild, a little bit of wacky, but it's all me, you know,
which is nice.

I love it.

Yeah. Because that. That, much of that woman
was hidden for decades,
sadly.

Sure.

So she's like, what?

You're making up for lost time. Go.

I know, I know. I love it. so where can we
find you and where can we get your books?

My, books you can get from Amazon. I also have two children's books that are really
great. I co authored with my youngest daughter, the Gift of
Being different and the Tale of the Other Glove. It's about actually
homeless people. and they all have a spiritual message, like
the power of empathy. your uniqueness is your
superpower. my other two books appears on an option Rethink
Gloves, all on Amazon. check out our podcast, Spiritually
Hungry, and you can follow me,

(49:30):
onikarberg74.
and my website's RethinkLife today.

Love it. Great website, too, by the way. I think you just
made some changes on it, because I was like, oh, this looks a little bit different.

Always, always changing. I love. Yeah, I know.

Mine too. I'm like, huh? It's never ending. But we love
change.

Yeah, exactly.

All right, thank you so much, Monica.

It's been great talking to you, Wendy. Thank you.

Thank you.
Did this podcast inspire you? Challenge
you, trigger you to make a change, or spit out your coffee
laughing? Good. Then there are three ways you can
thank me. Number one, you can leave a written review
of this podcast on Apple iTunes. Number
two, you can take a screenshot of the episode and
share it on social media and tag me Wendy

(50:16):
Valentine. Number three, share it with
another midlifer that needs a makeover. You know who
I talking about. Thank you so much for listening
to the show. Get out there and be bold,
Be free, be.

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273 💞 Self-Parenting & Soulful Relationships in Midlife with Monica Berg

On Purpose with Jay Shetty