274 💔 Rewire Love: Somatic Tools for Healing with Megan Sherer

Episode Transcript
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>> Megan Sherer (00:00):
I am, more of the. The school of thought of like, let's
work on becoming your favorite version of
yourself. Because your favorite version of
yourself gets to make mistakes. Your favorite version
of yourself gets to mess up and be like, oh, I
did that thing again. I fell back into that pattern. Let me treat
myself with kindness and compassion and try it

(00:20):
differently the next time and see how that goes. Your
favorite version of yourself is just committed to
living in alignment with your core values. Not
like being a robot. Like you said, it's not being this perfect
person who's never triggered. It's just
being in relationship with what matters most to
you.

>> Wendy Valentine (00:39):
Hey there, beautiful. I'm Wendy Valentine, your host
of the Midlife Makeover show where it's never too
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(00:59):
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books are sold. Let's wake up, beautiful.
Welcome back to the Midlife Makeover Show. I'm your

(03:08):
host, Wendy Valentine. And if you've ever found
yourself stuck in the same relationship
patterns, questioning why love feels so
hard or wondering how to truly heal from past
wounds, today's episode is for
you. Our guest is Megan. I forgot
to ask how to pronounce your name. Is it Cher?

It is. Yeah. You got it.

She is a holistic therapist, relationship
coach, speaker, and a facilitator with over 11
years of experience helping women reconnect
with their most authentic selves. She is the
creator of the love alignment method and the self
care space, guiding thousands of women toward
transformation in both life and love.

(03:52):
Megan is also the author of the soon to
be released book next week,
choose yourself. And today she's here
to share how somatic healing can help you break free
from old relationship patterns and step into
healthier, more fulfilling connections.
We'll explore how past experiences get stored in the
body. Been there, done that. Why mindset work

(04:15):
alone isn't enough to shift our relationship
patterns. And the power of somatic healing to
create lasting change. So if you're
ready to release the emotional baggage.

Yes, please.

And realign with love in a whole new way, this
episode is for you. Please welcome Megan to
the show.

Thank you so much, Wendy. What an introduction.
I'm so happy to be here.

Pleasure.
It's great to have you here. I don't know where to start. I was like,
should we talk about your book first? Because that's really good.
I'm going to get into that because I have read the book
cover to cover. I endorsed it.

Yes, you did. And you were one of the first to read it. So thank you
so much. That was so exciting.

Okay, we're going to save that.

Yeah.

My first question for you, as a
therapist and a practitioner, what made you choose
the beautiful niche of
relationships?

This is one of those situations where it absolutely
chose me.

Oh, yeah. Nice answer.

Yeah. This was not my original plan for my
life and my career path. I started my
career in my early 20s working,
more in the nutrition and eating disorder
space. So I had studied nutrition and eating psychology
and was working with women kind of post eating
disorder recovery to help them have a healthier relationship with their
bodies and with food. mostly because that's something I had

(05:38):
struggled with in my teen years and in my early 20s as
well. So it
was. Yeah, it was a path that I was pretty certain
about. And, due to sort of
a. I I was going to say unfortunate series
of events, but I think it was more like a divinely timed and
inspired series of events. In my early 20s,
I went through, a pretty traumatic car

(06:00):
accident. And I was in an abusive relationship
at the time as well and didn't really
realize it. Had had a lot of sort of waking up to do
to the patterns that I was in,
as well as childhood trauma that I had not even
touched yet, hadn't even begun to explore floor
for myself. And it all kind of came crashing up to

(06:20):
the surface all at once. And I was in
this big sort of dark night of the soul, facing all of
this, all of this stuff that I felt so unprepared,
unequipped to deal with, but also that some part of me
knew I've got to look at what's here because
this is. This doesn't feel good. I don't think it's
working for me to live my life in this way, to be in this
relationship. And that was really the

(06:43):
catalyst for my own inner healing work. And
I started diving deep into
attachment work, somatic work, and getting the
support that I needed. And at the same time,
I started noticing a lot of the clients that I was working with.
Even if we began talking about their relationship with their
body or food, we'd come back to

(07:03):
relationships, we'd come back to childhood
attachment wounds. And it was all sort of coming back to a lot of the
same themes and patterns. And it kept showing up at my
door. So I had to sit down and say, like, okay,
I need to get really well equipped to support people with this. I need
to, to go through my own journey and then
train, get trained and study what there is to study

(07:24):
so that I can, can really help people. Because this
is clearly a pattern.

Isn't it interesting, though? Like,
we're not really taught how to be in a
relationship. We are
indirectly right by observing
others, as children
and whether it's our parents, our siblings,
our friends, teachers, you
know, like, we're. We're not really taught

(07:50):
how to be in a
relationship, nor. And maybe I'm
speaking for myself, but, nor are we taught
how to relate to ourselves,
how to connect with ourselves.

Yeah, we really just pick up and kind of
mimic what's modeled to us. And, you know, it's
like they always. You always hear people say to
parents, like, kids learn from what you do, not what
you tell them. And I, I'm a big
analogy person. The other day I was writing and kind of
felt this silly analogy of thinking about when I was

(08:25):
a kid, I learned to bake. I really loved
baking. And I was thinking, like, how did I learn?
Because I didn't, like, study recipe books. There was no
YouTube when I was a kid, so I couldn't, like, learn that
way. I learned by watching my dad. He was in the
kitchen all the time, and I'd watch, like, okay, that's how he
cracks eggs. That's how he folds in the melted chocolate

(08:45):
when he's making brownies. And just, like, would study that
and then repeat it. And we learn
relationships. We learn love the same way. We just watch what our
parents are doing. We watch how they treat each other, we
watch how they treat us. We watch how our
peers treat us in school, and then we just
copy that. And for most people, we get to
adulthood, and we are copying things from

(09:07):
childhood that do not work.

They don't work.

Not. Yeah, not relevant anymore.

And unfortunately, or I wish,
fortunately, we don't realize it until
way after the fact, which is fine.
Even for me. It wasn't until probably late
40s where I was like, wait, something's
not quite working right here. You know,
like, you were lucky, at least in your. What, you were in your mid-20s,
where you're like, wait a second, I need to unpack all

(09:35):
this. Let me go into the dark and find out.
You know, And I think for me,
you know, and maybe others out there listening too,
it's like if you're having children and then you just get busy,
like, being a mom and there starts a new relationship, and then
you keep going and keep going and going, and then you wake up one day and
go, wait a second. Why am I in this

(09:56):
relationship? Why am I behaving this way? Why do
I have friends that treat me like this? Why don't I have any
boundaries? You know, like, there's all these things that
just kind of, like, attack you,
you know, late in life. But it's never too late. I know
that for sure.

It's never too late. And I. I mentioned
this in the book, that that was actually one of the common themes. When I started
doing this work for myself in my 20s, I
would speak to women who were older than me, like my
mom or, you know, you know, sort of mother figures I had
collected along the way. And they would say something similar,
like, oh, man, I wish I had learned that lesson

(10:32):
younger. I wish that I had learned to set boundaries or to
stop people pleasing and caring what other people
think. And that's, again, why, when I said it earlier,
like, this path chose me because My plan was
what we all think our plan is supposed to be. I'm gonna
meet somebody. I'm gonna get married at, like, 24 and start having
kids at 25 and be this, like, cute,

(10:52):
young, successful mom. And that's my
plan. Life did not go according to that plan for
me. And I really only started this work because I
was put in positions where I was just in so much
pain. I couldn't. I couldn't not
look at it like that. Ah, that was
just the path my life took. And I'm really glad that it did,
that I had the opportunity to look at all of this at. At a

(11:15):
young age. and like you said, it's
never too late.

Yeah. And you know what, too? I think, you know,
for me, just myself as an example, I had to
forgive myself for what I did not know.

Exactly.

And for what I was taught, whether directly or
indirectly. And. And even what I put. Put
myself through. Right. Because, I mean, it's like our
brains are little sponges, and especially as
we're children, and it just absorbs all of this.
And you just start, like you said, you just kind of copy like,
okay, this is what I'm going to do. This is what you're supposed to do. This is what

(11:49):
love is. This, you know, Ah, all
emotions. You kind of learn those emotions from.
Mostly from your parents, I would guess.
And if they're. If it's unhealthy, then
unfortunately, you sometimes repeat those same
behaviors.

Exactly. And to your point, like, you did
the best you could with what you knew at the time.
And I've worked with so many clients who are
women coming out of abusive
relationships, divorcing somebody who was a
narcissist, ending just like an
unfulfilling relationship. Maybe it wasn't unhealthy, but it was
just unfulfilling. Yeah. Blah. And they

(12:27):
always look back and say, like, why did I stay in
it so long? I should have left sooner. And.
And my answer to that, for anybody who's listening, who feels that way,
is if you could have, you would have.
You feel like you should have, because you've got the benefit of
2020 hindsight, but you did the very best you could
with the tools you had at the time.

Yeah.
What exactly is somatic
healing?

I'm so glad you asked, because I feel like that's definitely become a
buzzword. Yeah, it is these days. And
it's not always positioned,
in an accurate manner.
I've seen things out there, like somatic workouts
for weight loss, and people are Just like slapping the word
somatic onto things as, like, a marketing gimmick, which
is frustrating. But

(13:14):
somatic work really is,
a therapeutic work that involves the body.
So when most people think of therapy, they think
of traditional talk therapy. You go in once a week
and you talk about what's going on in your life and how you feel about
it. And there's a lot of value in
that kind of psychotherapy, especially if you haven't ever

(13:34):
learned to process your emotions in
that way and talk about your life story and, like, take
accountability for it. It's great for identifying
those patterns.

Yeah.

For most people, they eventually hit a point with talk
therapy where they feel like they've hit a plateau.
Like, m just talking about the same things in
circles, but nothing's really changing in my life.
How do I break past that? Somatic
therapy is where we get to really address the
mind body connection and understand
how our nervous system works, how our

(14:07):
attachment system works in relationships, and how
our body sort of
holds, the memories of past traumatic
experiences, relational wounds, and
unprocessed emotions. A lot of people by now have heard
of the book the Body Keeps the Score. So that's always
kind of a nice reference point.

Yep.

Yeah. Of really understanding, like, okay, I can talk
about my patterns and emotions all day long, but am I
actually feeling them and giving my
body a chance to catch up to the new,
Yeah, like the new place that I'm at.

Yeah. Because sometimes, as positive as you might think about
something, it's still deep down
in the layers within you. And
when you were talking about how, you know, you were in a
toxic relationship and you had the car accident, you had
all these things that were happening. And,
you know, for me, when I mid-40s,

(15:02):
it's like I had everything happen all at once,
too. I mean, some of it, but, like, even
some old wounds that I had not really
addressed kind of all came to the
surface, and I was
really sick. And I could tell
that I was like, okay, there's something to all of this.
And I actually read that book, the Body Keeps the Score.

(15:25):
I was like, okay, this is all got to be connected. There's
something not like my body was just
screaming at me and probably even my soul. My soul
was like, come on, let's look at all this nasty stuff,
you know? But once I did, and, like,
I did, and I know. I don't even know if I
did, how would you know? Like, what is what?
Give me an example of somatic therapy.

(15:48):
Like, what? So what do you actually do
It's.

A great question, and it's, kind of a long answer
because it's not just one thing or one
modality. Under the umbrella of somatic therapy,
there's lots of different tools that we can use. So one
example, there's a modality
that's trademarked called somatic
experiencing. But there's m. Different ways of going about
that as well, where you essentially

(16:14):
bring awareness into the physical sensations
you're having when you're talking about
an emotion or an inner part of yourself or
an experience. So let's say
you have had a fight with your partner
and it's caused you to feel really anxious and you're having all
these, like, negative thoughts about it. You might go into
a practice with a somatic therapist who

(16:36):
you start by talking about the thoughts and then
you notice what's going on in my body. Do I notice a
racing heart or tightness in my chest or
maybe a lump in my throat? And you go deeper
into those sensations to really bring the focus
onto what's going on in your body. Just kind of like a
simple awareness and witnessing being

(16:57):
with. Then there's all kinds
of different tools where we can move energy through the body.
So yoga can be a therapeutic
somatic practice. I've studied yoga therapy for trauma
recovery. And those postures can be a really
great way to reclaim movements
where your body sort of got
interrupted. Like, this is going to be a

(17:19):
little bit more of an extreme example, but let's
imagine that there's a woman who's being
attacked or assaulted. And in
that moment, her, her stress response, her
nervous system, stress response kicks in and she freezes.
Like, your brain and body do this very
quick internal assessment of, like, am I strong enough
to fight back? I don't think so. Am I fast enough

(17:42):
to run away? Maybe not. And so you
might just freeze in that scenario.
There may have been, though, an impulse to push,
to kick, to run, right? Like to mobilize your
body in some way that got stifled.
Because whatever reason, like, maybe
we felt like we couldn't access that in that
moment. And so learning to reclaim some

(18:05):
of those movements through, like a yoga practice through
somatic movement on the mat can be a
great way to let your body complete that
cycle so that it's not holding that stifled
response.

And I, you know, it's only natural too, right? As a human
being, we have that fight, flight, freeze
response. But I mean,
just as you look back through your life, I'm sure
we could probably all remember a time, whatever, if
we're in a fight with someone or something like that, and
then even if it's something not even close
to that, like maybe your boss gets mad at you or

(18:40):
something, you know, I don't know. Right. And you react
the same way you did 30 years ago.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Because your. Your body isn't taking
in, like, the specifics of this situation compared
to that situation and the nuance perspective,
it's just feeling, oh, this feels like that threat.
Go back into that activation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, you
know, for me, again, like, in my late 40s,
when I went through all of that and after, like, my brother had
passed away, I. Witnessing my
brother pass away really, like,
triggered just a ton of stuff for
me. So it was hard to

(19:21):
unpack it all. It took a long time.
But I'm glad. Like, there are tons of different
therapies. And, you know, I did emdr, I
did the yoga, I did the med. I. I mean, I tried everything
just because I wanted it. Just like you did, like, back in
your 20s. You're like, oh, my God, I just want this resolved so you can
feel better and be at peace. Because
even. Even again, like, even if you're

(19:43):
thinking very positively about something and you
think you're over it, but your
body's. It's like, no, I'm not over
it. Yeah, do it.

Yeah.
And that's where this could be a whole nother
episode in and of itself. But there's a modality that
I really, really like and I work with a lot called
parts work. And I work with somatic
parts work. there's. Some people know parts
work as ifs or internal family systems,
but essentially kind of like summing it up very quickly,
it's working with the understanding that we've all

(20:17):
got all these inner parts of ourself,
of our psyche, of our personality.
It's not just like, oh, I'm a person who's anxious,
I'm a person who's controlling. It's. I've got this
part that likes to control. Likes to be in
control in order to feel safe. I've got this other part
that gets really fearful when people pull away from

(20:38):
me and is afraid of losing love.
And all these different parts of ourselves are most
often childhood parts. Right. They're
adaptations of our younger self,
and we build a relationship with all of them.
And that is something I've learned over the years,
helps us get to a place where there's less resistance

(20:59):
to the pain rather than being in that place that, I
think both you and I found ourselves in of like, I just want to be out of
pain. This is too much. I'll do whatever it takes. Like, no
more. You get to a place where
you do resolve. Enough of that. And you also
acknowledge, like, pain is part of life.
Can I learn to expand my capacity to be
with it and be okay with that? rather than

(21:22):
running from it?

Yeah.
What's the, is it Buddha that said pain is inevitable,
suffering is optional?

M. Yeah, I'm actually, I'm not sure if it,
it might have been. Yeah. But I love that quote, I think.

Yeah. I mean, it's true. Yeah. And
it's like, and, and I, I used to always think of that, like,
okay, yeah, you're gonna have pain.
That's all, that's all. That's part of being human, right?

Yeah.

You're gonna experience pain, pleasure, that's
all very normal as a human being. But
the suffering part, that, that is
optional. That is something that you're like, okay, And
I've, I myself have chosen suffering.
Unfortunately, like, many times in my life now that
I know, I'm like, wait a second, I don't have to choose that anymore.
I can feel the pain. And the pain is okay. Like,

(22:09):
the pain is there to teach you something.

Yeah. And, and I also say that and agree with you.
From the place of utmost compassion. Like you,
I've. I've gone through some pretty severe
health challenges and a physical health journey that like,
flattened me for a long time. And I've, I've
been through physical pain that I, I fought and resisted and was
like, this is crazy. Why would I be okay with this being here? I

(22:32):
hate this. Like, make it stop. I'm going to die.
Yeah. And so I know that like,
reframing your relationship to pain in that way can
be so difficult, whether it's physical or emotional
pain.
But it's also quite liberating.

Yeah. It's almost like the harder you try
to resist it. What's that
saying? Whatever you resist, persists.

Persists.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, it's true though, if you,
you try to fight it too much
instead, just, okay, what
you're here. Whatever this pain is, whatever this frustration
is, this emotion. All right, like,
what do you, what do you got?

Yeah. The suffering happens when we say,
this is not okay. This can't be happening. That's
how we create our own suffering. Instead of
just being like, there's pain here. Let me
be with it, let me be in it.

Is it normal to always I'm say
always, like, will you always be triggered in
life? Like, as much therapy you can do
and all the, you know, all the. The
books and the therapy and everything and all
the, you know, will you still get triggered in
life?

Based on my own
research, in my lived experience, the
answer is unfortunately, yes.

Yes. Right?

Yeah. And, I think it's helpful to answer
that question as yes, because a lot of times people go into
the healing journey thinking that there's this end point where I've healed
it all and I'll never feel those bad feelings
again. And then when you inevitably do feel
them, you shame yourself because you're like, I thought I healed this.
What's wrong with me? Am I going backwards? Am I
regressing? Yes.

Yes.

And you create more suffering.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I totally
agree. I think it's. It's normal to get triggered.
But, you know, like, I feel that the more
you work on it, the less
you're. You're triggered less. And you're not. You're not
triggered for long like that. You know,
it's like, oh, that only lasted a few hours,

(24:38):
as opposed before, it'd be, like, few weeks or a few
months, you know, or would take you down completely where
it's now. You know, if you get triggered with something that
you've worked on, you're like, I cool. I got it.
I know. I'll get through it.

Exactly. Yeah. The difference is that you
have the tools to handle the trigger, and the
more evidence you collect, like, the more times
you do that and it turns out, all right, your system can relax
and soften around it. It doesn't need to live in the story because it's
like, oh, okay, like, that didn't last as long this time.
That wasn't as bad as we thought it would be this time.

(25:13):
And. And I think you. There are certain
triggers that you do completely resolve. Like, if we're talking
about dating and relationships, there are certain
relationship patterns that used to trigger the hell out of me
that are just, like, not a part of my reality anymore. I'm
like, yeah, yeah, that's an old story.
And then there are new triggers that come up.

Yeah, Isn't that nice, though, too? Like, when you realize,
like, later on, like, oh, that normally triggered me,
but it didn't trigger me this time.

The best, like, celebrate those wins.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I did it.

Yeah.
Are there sights, sounds, or smells that remind you
of a past traumatic event causing you to
fight, flight, or freeze? These physical
and emotional responses are called triggers. And they
happen to all of us. Triggers can be
tricky, but the key is to stop the trigger in its
tracks and turn the trigger into a

(26:07):
treasure. Just like Dr. Nicole Lera
said, there's nothing negative about being triggered.
It's a calling to heal our wounds.
To help you heal those wounds, I created a free
download called the Trigger to Treasure technique,
where you will learn the four steps on how to identify
your triggers, how to control your triggers, and how

(26:27):
you can move past your past so you can
live peacefully and in the present moment.
Please go to Wendy
Valentine.com
forward/trigger to receive your
free download, and you can begin to turn your
triggers into treasures.
You know, not that I'm Buddhist or anything, but

(26:48):
there's the story of Siddhartha. You might know
this one where, you know, his. His family,
his parents were like, whatever, king and queen or
prince and princess, whatever, they lived inside this castle,
and they kept. They kept him inside the
castle because inside the castle
was happiness and joy, and there was

(27:08):
no pain, no suffering. And so they never wanted him to go outside
the castle walls. And. But
Siddhartha, AKA Buddha, was so
curious. So he went outside the castle
walls one day, and he came across, I believe it was a,
homeless man that was suffering. And he was just
so intrigued by this.

(27:28):
These different emotions. And so
eventually he ran, you know, ran
away from home, ran away from the castle, because he wanted to
experience all the holistic
part of being a human. And isn't
that interesting, though, like, where sometimes we do again,
try to shy away from those negative,

(27:49):
you know, negative emotions, where it's
actually. It's okay. It's okay to
experience that, and you're never going to just
have only joy and only
happiness and.

Exactly. And it's. It's so funny because our.
Our human brains and bodies are
wired to avoid pain
and gravitate towards pleasure for our survival. Like, we
want to avoid the things that hurt us or could kill us.
That makes sense. But I think if we're talking about
this from a spiritual perspective, I think our souls came

(28:23):
to have that full experience, to experience
all of it and. And really get to
be in the full spectrum of the contrast of, like, the
murky, heavy, dense, not so great
feelings, as well as the fun, joyful,
expansive, blissful. Yeah. All part of
it.

To be in the world, but not of it.

Exactly.

Yeah. Just to meander through this lifetime
and. Okay, take it all in. The good, the bad, the
happy, the sad. And. But now I feel
like, the beauty of at least midlife. I
feel is that you kind of know what
to look for. Like once you, once you
learn a lot of like, that's, you know, you have this knowledge and this

(29:05):
wisdom. You're able to avoid,
excuse the language, but stepping in, you know,
polish it twice. Like.

Yeah, now I'm like, I know to.

Avoid that because, studies have
shown, you know, like, you can
avoid some of these things of your past
that, you know, did not work out well.

Exactly.

Especially in relationships. Yeah.

My dad used to always say, fool me once, shame
on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Not that I'm
encouraging that we shame ourselves, but yeah, when we collect
the data and you see like, all right, that doesn't turn out
great every time I do it. Let me make a different choice
this time.

Yeah, exactly. Or Wendy just says, don't step in twice.

Yeah. I love it.

I know.
So your book, choose, choose yourself. Is that what
this.

Yeah, choose yourself.

So what inspired you to write that book?

it's, it's a lot of everything we've been talking about so
far. And I think kind of the culmination for
me of a lot of those relationship lessons I was learning
in my 20s. Once I unraveled a
lot of the really kind of toxic
behavior and got to a place, place where I was a little bit more clear
on like what I wanted from a relationship and,
and the kind of healthy relationship I wanted to experience.

(30:22):
I was still really dating and pursuing
relationships from a perspective of, of just waiting to
be chosen. Of ah, like, I'm waiting
for somebody else to come and tell me that I'm lovable and that I'm good
enough and really doing whatever it took
to make that happen. So self abandoning,
wearing a mask, people pleasing over giving

(30:43):
to make sure that this person in front of me would
choose time and time again. That
wouldn't work out because I kept choosing people who were
emotionally unavailable, who were never
really going to choose me back because we didn't want the same
things. And yeah. And I was still kind of operating out of
those old wounds and, and it hit me
eventually like, okay, I'm the common denominator

(31:05):
here. It's, it can't just be that men are emotionally
unavailable and they're the problem. I'm the one
who's in this pattern and I see other people in healthy
relationships. So what's going on here?
And, and I really started to see how much of myself I was
giving away, just waiting to be chosen.
And I wanted to have a real relationship with
myself before, I ever

(31:28):
entered into a lifelong commitment with somebody else,
if that's like, the path I wanted to go down. I wanted to
make sure that I knew who I was and what I
valued and how I enjoyed living my life, what brought me
pleasure, not just who I thought another person wanted
me to be.

Yeah. And it's funny, I think I told you this in a.
and we were emailing that we both have
chapters about becoming your own bff.

Yeah, it's
right.

and it's not so corny, but I know.
Yes, I know. Even when I was writing my chapter, I'm like,
so corny. But so what does that mean
to you about becoming your own bff?

Yeah. So the way I define it in the. In the book and also
in my own life as kind of like a litmus test,
is, am I treating myself how I would
treat my very best friend? Like, when I'm
struggling with something, am I
beating myself up over it, shaming myself, or
am I supporting myself like I would for my best friend?
Like. Like, hey, I see that you're going through this hard time, and,

(32:30):
like, I've got you. I'm here with you. Am I
celebrating my wins and my successes, however
small they are? Like I would for my best friend and, like, cheering
her on for finally ending the situationship or,
you know, making change in her life? Like,
am I getting curious about who I am?
All those parts of me, the parts that I,

(32:50):
used to feel shame about, as well as the parts that feel easier
to love. So it's. It's about those
kind of, like, little actions,
day to day, of how I'm treating myself. And I kind of cap
that all off with learning to really
romanticize my relationship with myself. Like,
my. My smallest example is something I do all

(33:11):
the time now. I put on records, on
my record player, I light some candles,
and while I'm cooking dinner, I just dance
around my kitchen. And it's the best feeling
in the world. Every time I'm doing it, I'm like, this is. This is it.
Like, I've peaked right here. This is. This is
what life is about, whether there's somebody here to share it with

(33:31):
me or not. Like, I'm finding so much
joy in this moment.

Rather than just loving yourself, Right. Choosing
yourself. Yeah. I mean, talk about another, you
know, word that's been thrown around a lot, but self
care, to me, that is self care that
it is becoming your own best friend. And.
And then that selft talk, right? Like how we
talk to ourselves. And you Know, for me,

(33:56):
that's what I really needed to pay attention to is
how was I, how was I talking to myself? Because
I wasn't saying the nicest things, right? I was like,
yeah, I was. My greatest critic.

And most of that too, like we were talking about earlier on,
is just learned from childhood. Like, we're
regurgitating what other people have said
and think and like what we picked up from the media and who we
learned we had to be in order to be accepted. Accepted. Like it's
not really our authentic voice. So learning to
shed those, those critical voices, or at least be in
relationship with them, can really help you

(34:29):
feel just more at home within
yourself.

Yeah, exactly. I love that
your book is literally jam
packed full of tools and techniques,
which I personally feel like we need more of that
nowadays. Like less, less fluff and more
formula, as I always say. Like, like, yeah,
it's great to talk about. Okay. You know, personal
development and you could be happy and you can, but

(34:56):
how? Like, tell me what to
do. But your
book is full of, methods, which
I think is awesome.

Thank you. Yeah. That was one of my number one goals in writing
a book, was I get so many people who ask that
question. Like, okay, I've talked about it, I've identified my patterns.
Like how do I change? And that, that feeling of
frustration and feeling stuck. Like, I remember that
you can read a book and feel like, yes, this
resonates. Like, I, okay, I'm changing my mindset,

(35:25):
but what do I do with it from here? So
I wanted to weave in some of the somatic practices that
I use with my clients. Journal prompts that can be
helpful reflection questions to think about.
so, yeah, there's a lot of that woven throughout the book.

Is it possible to heal without.
I know you're a therapist, but is it possible to
heal without the assistance of a
therapist?

I really love that question. And the
answer is nuanced. because there's,
I believe there's no one size fits all healing
approach or healing journey. That's why I have
studied so many tools and modalities. So I have got this big
toolbox because it's never going to be the same for every
person. And I work with both
individuals and groups. And one thing I will

(36:12):
say for sure, when we're talking
about attachment, wounds,
relational wounds and ruptures, in
particular, those types of
traumas, those types of wounds happen in
relationship and they heal in
relationship.

Yes. Yeah. I'm all, yes,
yeah.

And that I think sometimes, like people Hear that and then
go, okay. That gives me an excuse to like stay with the person
who it's like causing the wound because
they'll, they'll be the one I heal with. And I'm like, no, no, no, no,
no. Healing in relationship means healing in relationship
with somebody who's a safe space, a safe nervous system
and the realm of, of
polyvagal theory, which is kind of like the study of how our

(36:55):
nervous systems interact with one another.
there's this term called co regulation, which
is essentially that we can
regulate our nervous system systems and our bodies in
the presence of a safe and healthy person
and their nervous system. And we
learn co regulation before we learn
self regulation and self soothing. When you're a

(37:17):
baby in your mom's womb, your nervous
system is an imprint of hers basically. And
then when you're born, babies don't have the capacity to self
soothe. Like especially initially.
There's kind of like the, could get into a
whole conversation about like letting babies cry it out and that's them self
soothing. But the reality is babies need to

(37:37):
learn the feeling of a safe and soothing
grounding presence from their caregivers, from their
mother, from the parents who are around
them. And that need for
connection doesn't ever go away. As
humans, we are social beings. So.

Yes, right.

To go back to your question, like, there are some things that
are just going to be
best supported in the container of somebody
holding safe space for you to heal. that could
be a therapist, that could be joining a
group, a therapy group or counseling group, something
like that. It could be

(38:16):
having a really great best friend who is down
to talk through some of these things with you and give you a hug when
you need it. and then there are certain things that are
going to be a journey of self discovery and teaching yourself how
to self regulate and self soothe.
So it's sort of a yes. And, and I think
that anybody who has a history of
trauma, deserves to

(38:39):
give themselves the gift of working
with a healing practitioner who feels safe. And
that might take a few tries to find the person who's the
right fit for you. Like just like dating, like it might not be
the first person you meet, but that therapy,
therapy client relationship can be so life
changing when you do find the right fit. I
know it's like, yes, yeah. Complicated

(39:02):
answer.

Yeah. And I feel like once you do find that, that
right one, it can be just,
it's almost like it just goes into fast forward because
it could heal. I mean, I can
only speak for me, but I Healed so
much faster because I finally found someone that was
like, oh, they get it. They knew exactly the

(39:23):
therapy to apply and was like, h.
Like such a relief. But, yeah, and
I agree, you have. You know, it's not one size
fits all. You have to figure out what works for you.
I mean, some people journaling is great.
Meditation, yoga, reading.
And some people are great, like, doing an online course

(39:43):
and they can go about it that way or being in a group. Some
people don't like groups. Some people like one on one. You know,
I mean, I think I tried everything.

Yeah.

You know, like. Yeah.

Unlike you.

It's like it was a culmination of all of it,
or if it was just one. I mean,
I even did ketamine at the very end there, you know, of
my discovery journey. But,
it was all worth it. And I think I got something
out of each one. Like, I mean, what's the worst that could happen,
right? You just become happier with each one, or you discover

(40:17):
something more about yourself. Right.
And I think even, like, with your book,
I, love. It's not just for, you know,
being single or in your. If you're
married, thinking about not being married, whatever.
It's, like, for everyone. Because you should always choose
yourself.

Yeah, exactly. I, I kind of, like, share that
caveat, in the beginning of the book, and I'm so happy to talk about it
here, that, obviously, like, the branding and marketing of it
is geared towards single women who
are wanting to kind of embrace this relationship with self. But the
reality is, whether you're single or partnered, whether you're a woman
or not, whether, like, no matter where you are,

(40:56):
if you haven't yet established a solid relationship with
yourself, there's never a bad time to do that.
And, the tools in this book are definitely
for. For everyone. So if you're not a
single woman, doesn't mean you can't read it.

Yeah. And I'm glad that you brought up, too, about
being in a relationship. That's where you. That's where
the healing really takes place.

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Yeah. I mean, because if you're not gonna, like, wouldn't be so great.
We'll just all sit in a cave and not be. You know, it'd be
like, Like.

Right.

Like, yeah, you're not triggered. Everything's wonderful.
And. But when you're in a relationship
and you are getting triggered, then you can, like. All
right, let me try this new technique out that
Megan taught me.
Let me see.

That's exactly right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like your own guinea pig really.

Yes. And approaching it like that, like that it's
sort of an experiment and I don't have to get it right every
time. Sort of takes off the pressure
and, and lets you learn because the person that you're in
relationship with is also a human being who has to
learn too. So as long as
you've chosen someone who's like fully in that with you and
is and is committed to doing their own inner work and to

(42:10):
showing up to work on the relationship, like
you'll, that's, that's the secret formula. Just
finding somebody who's, who's in it. Yeah.

And you know, I would say too, it's not about
becoming like this perfect
human being at the end of all of it. I mean
I don't feel like as, as a human being you're
never like the work is never done. You're, you're here and
you continue on until you know, the day you go.
But it's not about, you know, like
we said earlier, it's not about not feeling

(42:41):
these emotions these or not being
triggered. It's just learning to manage
and, and learning to, to be in
a relationship but not of it. Right. Like
to be able to just to
enjoy life and not, and not get hung up on it.

Yes. One of the things I always say is that
so much of the self help world is about like
become the best version of yourself. And for like, I
don't even know what that is. That's like a lot of
pressure that, that feeds into like perfectionistic patterns
which I used to live in and like control issues.
I am more of the, the school of thought of like,

(43:18):
let's work on becoming your favorite version of
yourself.

Yeah.

Because your favorite version of yourself
gets to make mistakes. Your favorite version of yourself
gets to mess up and be like, oh, I did that thing again. I
fell back into that pattern. Let me treat myself with
kindness and compassion and try it differently the next
time and see how that goes. Your favorite version of
yourself is just committed to living in alignment

(43:43):
with your core values. Not like being a
robot. Like you said, it's not being this perfect
triggered. It's just being
in relationship with what matters most to you.
Mm.

Yeah. It's so nice to Would
you relieve yourself of all of that
baggage too?

Yeah. What a weight lifted. Yeah.
We don't need to carry that.

No. God, it's exhausting.

Yeah. It's exhausting. Emotionally you
all dreadful.

You know, by the time I got to my
50s, I was like, yeah, no wonder my back hurts. unload
some of this crap around
and then like realizing that you can put it down.
Right. Like, you don't have to, like, you're. It doesn't
mean that you don't care or
you, like, there's. You don't have to carry it

(44:37):
around. It's not necessary.

Yeah. To just be like, oh, this isn't
mine. I've been Exactly. For decades. And this
isn't mine.

Yeah. I think I, you know, I had read that somewhere.
Maybe my therapist said that. And I can remember
thinking that, like, oh, I mean, I was carrying other
people's baggage.

Exactly. Oh, God, women are, you know. I
know. That's what we're.

Let me carry that for you. I don't want you to even
like my kids.

I don't want you to be in pain.
Yeah.

I mean, I think as women especially,
I mean, people pleasing, the codependency,
the perfectionism, the,
whatever, all of those. Like,
that brings a lot of that and it's. It's
hard to, to shed that. But God, it's
great when you do.

It is because you realize too, not only are
you lighter, but when you give
other people the space to feel
their own pain. M. Like when you
let go of your fear of them suffering, because
that's what it is. Like, I'm afraid to let you suffer and be in pain
because that's uncomfortable for me.

Yep.

You realize, like, oh, they then get the gift
of working through it, of going on their journey and
their path, and they get to transform it. It doesn't work
if I transform it for them. Let me give
them space to do their work.

Exactly.

Ah.

good stuff, wise
one.

Thanks, Wendy. Right back at you.

thank you so much.
Okay, so your book, it comes out. What
is it?

It comes out on May 6th. May 6th.

Okay, good.

So right now it's available for pre order.
Like as. As people are listening to this, they can order it.
I've got some pre order bonuses. They'll get access to some guided
meditations and a live workshop with
me and, and a workbook with
that as well. If you order before pub date, it's.

All about the bonuses. I know how that is.

I love a good bonus.

I know. I was like, wait, just writing the book isn't enough?

I gotta do. I know I've gotta create other things too. I love it
though. I'm like. Because when I'm reading a book, I'm like, oh, yeah,
give me the Workshop. Give me. Like, I want to learn from you.

Yes, I know, I know. It's great. Like,
nowadays, right? Like, you go to buy a book, you're like, oh, I get all this other stuff
too.

Yeah, it's so fun. Like a goodie bag.

Yeah. Okay, so where can we find you?

so you can find me on Instagram.
it's my full name, Megan Sharer. And that's my
website as well. Megan sharer.com. i have a
substack called With Love, where every week I share
an essay and kind of just I answer questions from
my community and lessons of the week. So if you're a
reader, that could be a great place to. To check out my newsletter as

(47:21):
well. And I'll also be in person,
doing a bit of a book tour. So I'm coming to eight cities throughout
the U.S. i've got a retreat in Ireland
this summer. I do a couple retreats a year, so lots of
places to come. Come meet with.

Meet me in Haiti doing that this summer. Ooh, maybe.

Yeah, you should come. It's July 13th
to the 18th Women's Retreat. It's, like, the most beautiful place
you've ever been in your life. It's on the cliffs of Moore, so you get
to, like, hike.

And I actually have not been to Ireland yet. That
would be so cool.

Portugal.

Not that far. I'll be back in Portugal this summer,
so
I know. I want to start teaching retreats here too.

Oh, you should drop in with women
in person, like, talking about healing and
community. The healing that I see happen on retreats,
just from women feeling like, oh, I'm not alone. I
feel seen. I'm, like, laughing with other women. You
come back like a whole new person. I love it.

Yeah. well, yeah, I just might join you.

You should.

I would love you my lucky charm. Sorry.

No, I mean, I am Irish. My mom was born and raised
there, so I'll take it.

So funny. Thank you so much, Megan.

Thank you so much for having me, Wendy. I really, really love this
conversation.

Thank you.
Did this podcast inspire you? Challenge
you? Trigger you to make a change or spit out your coffee
laughing? Good. Then there are three ways you can
thank me. Number one, you can leave a written review
of this podcast on Apple iTunes. Number
two, you can take a screenshot of the episode. Episode. And
share it on social media. And tag me Wendy

(48:59):
Valentine. Number three, share it with
another midlifer that needs a makeover. You know who
I'm talking about. Thank you so much for listening to
the show. Get out there and be bold, be
free, be you.

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