August 14, 2024 • 48 mins
How to Heal with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Inner Child Work
In episode three, we dive into inner child work through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). Shawna provides an insightful explanation of IFS, a comprehensive framework for understanding our psyche, exploring why we feel the way we do in different situations, and how to heal our wounded parts. This episode is a journey through the various parts of our psyche, their roles, and how they impact our lives.
We discuss how childhood experiences shape our belief systems and how the IFS framework can help uncover and heal these deep-seated wounds. Shawna shares her personal story of discovering IFS and its transformative impact on her life, especially during a challenging period working as a mental health nurse. We explore how to connect with and unburden our parts, leading to greater healing and harmony.
Join us as we uncover the powerful process of inner child healing with IFS, offering insights and practical steps to integrate this transformative work into your own life.
Shawna & Laurie
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Instagram: @laurieoakesmediumship
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The Naked Soul podcast dissolves the barriers between spirituality and the human experience. Here, we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and the lows, the glimmers and the triggers. Our mission is to dive deep into candid conversations that everyone thinks about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around the complexities of being human. Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path, or anywhere in between, if you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here, let's strip away the layers and get naked.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to the Naked Soul podcast where we dissolve the barriers between spirituality
and the human experience.
Here we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and
the lows, the glimmers and the triggers.
Our mission is to dive deep into the candid conversations that everyone thinks
about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around
(00:23):
the complexities of being human.
Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path or anywhere in between.
If you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light
and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here,
let's strip away the layers and let's get naked.
Welcome back to the Naked Soul podcast. We're here with episode three,
(00:47):
where we are going to be talking about inner child work through the lens of
internal family systems, also known as IFS.
So Shauna, could you please explain to us what IFS work and inner child work is? Absolutely.
So IFS, also known as internal family systems, I like to describe it as a framework
(01:13):
for understanding our psyche, basically.
And it's an amazing framework. It's probably the most effective and the most
comprehensive framework I have found for understanding our psyche,
which basically means understanding why we feel the way that we do in different
situations, why we think the different thoughts that we think, why we're holding.
(01:37):
What it shows you is that we, in so many different situations,
we're actually holding on to different belief systems that were formed throughout
our life in different situations.
And oftentimes, these belief systems are actually quite inaccurate.
They many times come from what's called wounded parts of ourselves.
(02:00):
And we'll get into all of this. But very often, they're coming from a wounded
lens, a wounded part of ourselves.
And what this ends up doing is it actually can cause a lot of suffering.
And it can cause us to, it can really limit us.
So we can actually be operating from these wounded aspects of ourselves and
(02:22):
these say limiting beliefs without even realizing it.
And then this can prevent us, A, it can make us feel all sorts of uncomfortable
emotions in different situations. So think about any time you're triggered by
a different situation or by someone.
Oftentimes, the trigger, basically the feeling of discomfort,
(02:42):
a trigger is basically feeling uncomfortable, right?
Feeling some sort of uncomfortable emotion, whether it is anxiety,
anger, jealousy, sadness.
Sadness but basically a lot of times when you're
feeling these ways when you're in a situation and you feel an
uncomfortable emotion kind of arise it's actually poking at a wounded aspect
(03:03):
within ourselves and it's bringing up these limiting beliefs they're often very
subconscious though so this is the benefit of diving into a framework like internal
family systems because we can start to uncover,
oh, interesting, like in that situation,
why did I feel that way? What was it actually poking at?
What was the hidden belief system that was lurking there?
(03:26):
And then what the framework also does is it takes it a step further and teaches
us how to heal these wounded aspects of ourselves and unburden.
It's called an unburdening process.
So it's unburdening ourselves from these limiting beliefs and from these belief
systems that we've basically been holding on to.
So that's what it is amazing for.
(03:49):
And when I discovered it, it was so eye opening and so healing.
And I just fell in love with the framework. And then when I started teaching
it in my courses and on retreats, what was so exciting was that the same response
from other from all the women from other people, it was like takeaways.
(04:11):
When we shared takeaways at at the end of retreats. It was like,
what were some of your biggest takeaways?
And the IFS framework has been so helpful and so healing to so many people.
I think so many people ask the question of like, why am I this way? Yeah.
Especially when that kind of light bulb moment goes off of like,
(04:32):
okay, I'm a co-creator in my life, in my reality.
Why am I creating this experience? Yeah.
And it relates very much to what you said in either the previous episode or the one before that,
where you said life can sometimes feel like Groundhog Day where we're repeating
behaviors and we can have these like patterns of either feeling like anxious
(04:56):
in these situations or procrastinating or not falling through on something.
And we're like, why, why do I keep doing this? Yeah. I know what I should be doing.
Yeah how come I'm not doing it or
what's the resistance to doing it yeah
exactly yeah so I thought
it would be helpful to explain how I
(05:17):
found internal family systems because it
actually shows a really cool story of how
manifestation works oh yay love the manifestations yeah and we'll have an episode
on manifestation in the future but this was just a really cool experience I
think that Sometimes people think
that manifestation works in the way of like, you put out this desire,
(05:40):
and then it's like, bam, here you go.
Right? Like, yeah, which sometimes it can, I've had some really cool experiences of that as well.
But oftentimes, it sends you the stepping stones.
And that was very much what this was for me, I was putting out the desire for healing.
And it sent me internal family systems. So cool. Cool.
(06:01):
So basically, back in 2018, I explained this in episode one,
when my brother passed away.
So he passed from a accidental drug overdose, and that was laced with fentanyl.
So he used substances to soothe suffering within depression and anxiety,
(06:24):
as many people with substance abuse use, right? That's why they use them. So.
He passed in 2018, and that was very challenging.
And then when he passed, I was also working as a mental health nurse on a mental
health ward. It was very challenging.
(06:47):
When he passed away, I had four days off,
but it was very challenging to have to go back into working in mental health
and basically seeing patients that resembled the same story that had just played
out. Like they're all your brother.
Yes. So I was seeing a lot of people with substance challenges.
(07:10):
Then I was also seeing, I remember I had a patient, a mother whose son was struggling
with substance abuse and she was my patient.
And I just remember looking at her and seeing like the fear within her eyes.
And she was like literally shaking about what's going to happen to my son.
And I remember I did not have the capacity to work with this client four days,
(07:33):
like, you know, the following week after my brother passed away.
And so I went to the doctors and granted, this was not my family doctor because
I was in a city, I was living in a city where I hadn't gotten a family doctor.
And I went in and I was requesting extra time off.
And I explained the situation to him. And he basically looked at me and said,
(07:56):
I don't understand the connection.
Why do you need time off? Wow.
Feels like it should be such an obvious connection. Yeah.
And in that moment, I had been debating going in. And I was like,
you know what? No, this is the right thing to do. Because I was really struggling at work.
I was having to leave the unit to go have moments of grief in the bathroom.
(08:19):
And I just knew I was not effective. So I actually thought it was the right
thing to do to go into the doctor and just ask for some time off.
And I got met with that response.
And it triggered all the, what we'll explain as parts, but it explains,
or it triggered so many parts within me.
The not good enough part, the weak part, the weak part, the weak part.
(08:42):
It really brought that one up. Especially as a woman. Yeah.
Yeah. And it was like, the voice in my head was like, see, you should have just kept checking on.
You should have locked this in a box and just like kept going on.
And so all these limiting beliefs were coming up And I decided that that's what I needed to do.
So I put that into a box. And I said, Okay, I will, yeah, I'll just access this
(09:07):
when I get home on my days off.
And we will just will keep acting very soldier like kind of on the unit and
do the best that we can do.
Continue doing that. So that was in April.
Continue doing that for the whole rest of the year. then came around January, the following January.
And I'm now working in the psychiatric emergency department.
(09:30):
We are severely understaffed and I'm in charge. So I'm in charge of the unit.
And this one evening we had 24 patients on the unit for a unit that's built for six. Oh, my God.
So and this is not just like, you know, picture people coming in with suicidal
(09:53):
thoughts, people coming in, in extreme psychosis, aggression,
we had people coming in with police needing to be restrained,
sedated, then we'd have another person coming in complaining of suicidal thoughts.
And now picture 24 of those patients. Yeah, I can't imagine.
And it's built for six. So we don't even have the room or like the capacity for it.
(10:15):
And I'm in charge. So I come in onto that shift and right away,
I'm like, this is a sinking ship.
Like this does not look safe at all.
One hour into my shift, I can see that we're not handling this well at all.
So I call my manager to get approved for extra staff to come in.
I explain the situation. he declines the request because it's not within the
(10:39):
budget and everything is always about the budget in the healthcare system.
Yeah. And for those of you listening, if you're not in Canada, we're from Canada.
And so we kind of think that our healthcare is free, but it's interesting to
have that inside lens where actually like.
(11:02):
It's not really free. Like there are a lot of corners that are being cut and
costs that are being cut.
Yes. Yeah. And it's not funded enough, even though it's free.
And then we're running into a lot of problems as well. Yeah.
So he declines the request and I'm like, okay, I just have to keep this ship running basically.
(11:23):
And typically when you're charged nurse, you shouldn't actually have a whole
caseload to yourself, like a patient loan, But because there's only three staff and 24 patients,
I had to have like my own whole caseload plus like organizing the unit and running
the unit and flow it, making sure it flows.
There was a incident that evening, that night shift, where an order was missed on a gentleman.
(11:52):
And this gentleman ended up ending his life later on. And what does,
and like, what would an order be?
Yeah, an order can be, there can be orders on anything like this person needs
this amount of blood given, or this person needs a medication,
or it can be follow-up orders.
So his was a follow-up order, and it was refer this patient to this place,
(12:16):
basically this outpatient clinic.
Right. And that was missed. It wasn't faxed. It ended up being my patient that
I missed this order, and I didn't fax that order. So basically,
the referral did not get sent for his follow up care.
And then I learned that he ended his life after he left the hospital.
(12:38):
And of course, all of the thoughts of like, oh, my goodness,
a, I, like, I pride myself on not saying missing orders and just,
you know, working so hard as a nurse to do the best job.
So I'm like I do not miss orders like I'm not the type of nurse to miss orders
(12:59):
and this is like a system problem here mmhmm.
Luckily, the man was elderly, which I know every life is precious,
but I think that helped me move forward from it because I think if it had have
been like a young individual, like your brother's age,
yeah, that would have been a lot harder for me to work through.
(13:25):
So that was the one thing that I was like, okay, he was elderly and he was towards the end of his life.
And I did find out later that he did get referred through another means.
So those aspects made me feel better about the situation, but it didn't take
away from like why the situation happened.
And basically there was a review that was done into this situation.
(13:48):
And my manager said, well, how was this order missed?
And I'm like, what do you mean? And is this the same manager that you called to have?
Yes. So I'm like, what do you mean? How is the order missed?
Like, yeah. And I explained that like, this was the same night that I called you saying like,
(14:10):
this is a sinking ship in other words,
obviously, but like we need extra staff and you
declined it and of course they just kind
of like brush it off right and he said okay well
that's okay these things happen that's what he ended
up saying right as soon as it was maybe going
to be put on them right and I was like no these things like they don't just
(14:32):
happen like they don't need to be happening so that conversation did not sit
well with me and I was sitting at home and thinking about going in for my next shifts,
and I started experiencing panic.
So I was experiencing lots of panic, anxiety.
I sent him an email about the changes.
(14:56):
I sent him a whole chart that I created about problems on the unit and changes
that could be made to help increase safety on the unit and effectiveness of patient care.
I emailed it to him, his response. He didn't acknowledge it.
And he just said, when are you coming back to work?
So that was a clear message to me that they do not care about safety.
(15:22):
They don't care about our emotional health.
The trauma that we're basically needing to take on, they just want,
you're just a number, basically. That was the message that I was receiving.
So the panic kept increasing.
Literally your body just telling you to get the heck out of there. Yeah.
So I went to the doctors, this time my family doctor, because I was back in
(15:45):
the city where I had a family doctor.
And she diagnosed me with complex PTSD. And it was a combination of a bunch of things.
It was a combination of everything that was happening at work,
that situation that happened at work, some other situations that had come up,
as well as unprocessed grief from my brother's passing,
(16:07):
because she could tell that I was still carrying this into a lot of my shifts
and every day, basically.
And I hadn't had time to process it all, basically.
So she gave me some time off work, very thankfully.
And then she recommended that I explore some trauma modalities that can help
with trauma, EFT being one of them, EFT tapping, emotional freedom technique. She mentioned that one.
(16:33):
And she mentioned some other their ones. But for some reason, EFT tapping sat my head.
So I'm, it was the following week and I'm running errands and I ran an errand at the bank.
And then I realized that there was this little bookstore that I had parked in
front of that I hadn't realized before.
And keep in mind this whole time since my brother passed, I've still been putting
(16:57):
out the desire through manifestation practices of thank you for sending me healing.
Thank you for sending me healing. thank you for
sending me strength so I was continuing those practices and then this doctor
mentioned EFT tapping then I'm running errands I see this little bookstore I
decide to mosey into the bookstore and the lady says we're chit-chatting and
(17:20):
she says can I help you find anything.
And I say no at first, and then I'm browsing more, and then my conversation
with the doctor popped into my head.
And I was like, oh, I should ask if there's any books on EFT tapping.
So I asked her, I said, hey, do you have any books on EFT tapping?
It was recommended for me.
And she says, no, I don't have any books, but right across the road is a practitioner
(17:46):
who does EFT tapping, and she's amazing at it.
And I was like, my God. you can't make
this stuff up weird yeah and she's
like I've been to her she's amazing she specializes in
EFT tapping and I'm just like that is so bizarre so you moseyed across the street
across the street I write down her info I didn't go in right away and I looked
(18:09):
her up online and I book an appointment with her the following week and anyways
this is how I discovered through Through this person,
this is how I discovered EFT tapping, IFS.
So she combined tapping with internal family systems and breath work. Wow.
And you know, yeah, you're like, whoa, those are like three modalities that
(18:31):
A, you love, and B, are like so much a part of my future. Yeah, like I just got chills.
That's crazy. And it was all through that one person that I learned these things.
It was also all through this traumatic event.
Yes. which I feel like we talked about this in the previous episode where it's like you don't realize.
(18:51):
How sometimes these traumatic awful things and you're like why is this happening
to me but they can actually be
leading you to yeah you don't know the path that it's going to set you on,
yeah yeah so it was a very hard experience to go through but it has led to so
much good and so I I had a session with her and she.
(19:16):
Taught me IFS. She introduced me to IFS and taught me how to do EFT tapping with it.
And then later on, I took breathwork with her and explored 30 weeks of breathwork as well. Yeah.
And let me tell you, these three modalities, holy cow,
have brought me so much healing, so much insight,
(19:41):
and like so many other people
so much healing yes yeah and then once I
started teaching them because I fell in love with all of them
and eventually began teaching them
and you're exactly right like on retreats people are like wow like so much like
so many insights and healing from IFS and yeah yeah and breath work so what
(20:04):
is IFS we'll dive into it yeah tell us about it I I love hearing about it every
time you teach it. I'm like, this is so good.
Yeah. So it was created by a therapist named Richard Schwartz.
And the more I learn about him and how it was developed, I'm just like,
this is such a cool story.
Because he began discovering it in the 80s. So it's actually been around for a while.
(20:28):
But it's growing in popularity. It is so popular right now that you can't even
get into any trainings with it. Like, therapists are, like, running to it.
Yeah. And I just looked even a little bit a while ago, and it's,
like, fully booked out. So...
The reason I think it is, is because it's so effective and it's such a comprehensive framework.
(20:52):
It really combines Western views of therapy combined with spirituality, which is so cool.
So he created it in the 80s and basically he created it through,
it was just interaction with his clients.
And what he realized was clients were coming into his office and they were saying,
(21:13):
a part of me feels this way and a part of me
feels this way I still say these things like even
knowing about IFS I still
recognize the part yeah yeah it's
actually so cool because I now that I know IFS it's
so funny when you're in a conversation with someone and they
literally say a part of me feels okay but
(21:35):
you know another part of me feels this way and they're literally
like stating it yeah they're they're basically
saying to you i have this part within me and this part
within me and that's basically what he discovered is that
we all have all these different personalities and they call them parts within
us and what can happen is well let's start with the true essence so we also
(21:58):
all have a true essence which in spirituality there's so many different terms for this.
It could be like your Buddha nature, your Christ consciousness.
What are some others? I call it the soul. The soul, your true nature,
your true essence. They call it yourself.
Yeah, your highest self. Your highest self. Yeah.
(22:19):
So we have this self within us and I like to describe it to help people understand
yourself is I like to open the question as what would you be like Like if you had no wounding at all.
And I love asking that question on retreats because everyone's just like,
like eyes go wide and it's like, whoa.
(22:40):
Like, and I asked like, what are the qualities you would be if you had no wounding?
And some of the answers are, what are some of your answers?
Just love. Love, peace, acceptance, freedom, playfulness.
This is another one a lot of people say. And just, yeah, lightness.
(23:05):
And that is our true essence.
That is who we actually are. And we'll get into this. It'll also make you cry
a little bit to think, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm sure we'll get into more about the soul, the true essence,
even from a non-dual perspective.
We'll have episodes on that. But this is who we are at our core.
(23:27):
Many people can't feel this. And it's actually because we're operating from
our part so much and we do not realize it.
So how do the parts get formed? There's all different parts.
There are what's It's called exile parts, manager parts, and firefighter parts.
(23:47):
I'm literally pointing to the diagram, the chart that I slain.
Yeah. So exile parts are our most wounded.
They're the most painful wounds that we can have within us. They can be holding
the most painful belief systems and wounds.
And some of these are like the unlovable part,
(24:09):
the shameful part, part the not
good enough part the abandoned part the rejected
part when i even say these words you can
just feel it they're like that wounded little child's like
hiding in a corner yes exactly so these can get formed parts get formed basically
the belief systems and the burdens get formed through different experiences
(24:34):
in childhood that's when they're most often formed they actually say They were born with our parts,
but the burdens and the wounds of them come through experiences, basically.
Well, there's so much messaging that's already sent to us when we're in the womb.
Exactly. Which is crazy. So that's when it can first start. Yeah. Yeah.
(24:55):
So think about, I'm trying to even think about, say a mom has...
Substance use habits, right? That could even be sending signals to a fetus that
this space is unsafe. Yeah.
Something like that, right? So you could actually start to form a belief system
(25:16):
and you could hold this belief system that the world is an unsafe space or it's
not meeting your needs, it's not nourishing.
One that I know a lot of us
have and that I've seen a lot with
my clients there's like this generation of parents
that through their own trauma were seeking like
(25:36):
their children to be the ones who were like filling them and making them feel
loved so these children were literally born with this imprint of like i'm here
to take care of my mother or my parents and to make them happy and that's where
like a lot of our just inherent kind of people pleasing came
from yeah yeah this message through the womb of like you're gonna kind of be my savior almost.
(26:04):
Yeah i have that part right yeah yeah
we can identify parts as we go that we have yeah and another a very easy example
to the one i use about the playground a lot on retreats is say you're four years
old and your mom dresses you in a red shirt you go to the playground and
(26:25):
all the kids are wearing, I'm looking at you, green. All the kids are wearing green.
And some of the kids laugh at you. And they say like, you're wearing a red shirt.
Didn't you know it's like,
that's not cool type thing. Right. And it can be all these, like,
like we would look at this and just be like, what a silly situation.
Right. But when you're a child, you're taking in this messaging,
(26:49):
like our brains are like sponges and you don't have the mental or emotional
maturity to understand.
Yeah. And to be like your true essence, like isn't developed in terms of like
speaking strong enough to say to you in that moment, like, no,
no, no, this is just them.
They're trying to make themselves feel better and beautiful, right?
(27:12):
But you're like, green shirts are just as good as red shirts.
Like there's no, yeah, that's not going on.
As a child, you just take in and you're starting to form belief systems very quickly as a child.
So you're basically saying like, what does this mean about me?
That's kind of what you're always doing as a child. You're taking in a situation
(27:32):
and you're trying to like orient yourself in the world.
But unfortunately, a lot of times we orient ourselves incorrectly through like a wounded lens.
So that situation might happen. And suddenly we start to say to ourselves,
I'm not as good as them. I'm lame. I'm a loser.
You start to like your shameful part can get developed. Like I'm wearing red.
(27:56):
Why would I do that? Mm-hmm.
They could take off and run away. And then that, again, is strengthening the
abandoned part, the rejected part.
Yeah so one situation can strengthen
these burdens that these parts are
holding yeah and then a lot of
(28:17):
times the child goes home tells this story to
mom and dad and they just kind of say like
you shouldn't feel that way yeah there's so many like
mixed messages in and I often say that parents have one of the hardest roles
oh yeah because we've heard on retreats where it's It's like even like well-meaning
(28:37):
things sometimes end up like getting shifted and like not serving the child in the best way.
Or like it shifts them into a different mode of functioning.
Like for one person said like the mom was so loving and encouraging,
but it almost made her not believe in herself.
So it's so interesting. And then I'm just like, man, parents have such a tough job.
(29:01):
I remember like before I got into this work and really understanding that,
like we talked about our children are meant to go through these experiences
for their soul growth and evolution.
But before I understood that, I remember being like, I had such amazing parents
who loved me so much and still they missed so much. Right.
(29:24):
And still I have this trauma and still there's things.
Right. So I had so much fear before discovering this work of doing that to a
child because even the best of parents are going to miss something.
Exactly. And I think what's helpful when we explain it, say on retreats,
(29:46):
we explain it how you can do the best that you can and also know that.
Certain things are out of your control in terms of you don't know what your
child needs for their soul growth, basically, right?
And if they don't get it from you, they might just get it from the outside world, teachers.
And yeah, and I always tell any moms that are doing this work,
(30:10):
because I know it can like make them anxious, like, Oh, gosh,
like, I don't want to do this to my kid.
I don't want to do this to my kid, what parts of my forming in my child,
that will actually, so right there, it's actually triggering an anxious part
and a fearful part, right?
It's right there. It's triggering it. And all, okay, you can ask yourself what
(30:32):
belief systems are coming up from that anxious part.
And it's like, I'm not a good enough mom. I don't want to mess up my child.
I don't want to be the cause of this, right?
And all of that is the anxious commentary of that part, basically.
But I always tell moms that the best thing you can do is start to look at this
work and focus on yourself.
(30:54):
Because when you start to focus on yourself and healing yourself,
that actually will, like our energy gets shifted outwards.
So if you are creating a more loving and healed environment within,
you're going to naturally send out more love.
And that's actually the most control.
(31:14):
Like if you're looking for control, we, it will talk a lot about control over
the course of episodes, but,
that's the most effective thing that you can do. Yeah. Such a good reminder for me.
Yeah. So those would be the exile parts, the most wounded parts.
Manager parts get formed because the exile parts are very painful to feel.
(31:40):
So basically, we start to develop ways of being in order to protect ourselves
from feeling the exile parts.
Both manager parts and the other ones are firefighter parts
they play protective roles so they're actually
trying to protect you from feeling pain yeah basically so
(32:01):
an example of a so well-meaning and this
is why he has a book richard schwartz called no bad parts yeah because once
you actually so the goal of the framework is to actually get in touch with all
your different parts and form relationships with them and start to connect with
(32:22):
them and ask them questions.
And when you do this, you actually realize that they're actually playing quite a useful role.
What they're doing is trying to protect you from pain.
And they really believe that their role is needed in order to protect you from pain.
And what you need to do is you need to connect to these parts
(32:43):
from your true essence and basically you need
to see the burdens that they've been carrying which are
like the belief systems they've been carrying and you need to help them release
and unload these burdens and slowly teach them and coach them that there could
be another way yeah yeah and then from there it's actually like helping them
(33:05):
live in a different way and slowly
seeing that your way can be trusted, basically.
So an example of a manager part is the perfectionist or the people pleaser.
So we could develop into, if we were, if something happened in,
okay, going back to that red shirt, green shirt situation, if we felt that if
(33:29):
that situation made us feel not good enough.
We could develop a perfectionist part that says, okay, I'm going to go find
cool shirts around. This is just, it's a silly example.
And then you could become a perfectionist with what you're wearing or maybe
what you look like because appearances.
Yeah. Yeah. I shouldn't even say it's a silly situation because.
(33:50):
No. Like a lot of people have. Huge impact. Yeah. I remember I had a grade one
teacher and I had cut my bangs and I was growing my bangs out.
And so I was wearing headbands to get my bangs back.
And she started calling me headband girl. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
And there was even another girl in the class that was, you know, kind of the popular one.
(34:12):
And she would be like, oh, like, I know that everybody wants to,
like, be like her. Right.
And so, yeah, that was as an adult when I thought about it, I was like,
oh, it's silly that this is still affecting you. And then I brought myself into
that, like, grade one version of Lori.
And it's like, I was really hurt and, like, embarrassed by that.
(34:36):
Like, she said it in front of the class, in front of my peers.
Yeah. And I just felt really, like, uncool. Yeah.
And then that can stick with you. Yeah. This feeling of feeling uncool can really
stick with you. It did. Yes.
I don't doubt it. Yeah. And I have this, it's actually a great example that
(35:00):
I use because it's interesting how we both have examples of this.
And my example too is I'm trying to remember what grade I would have been in,
maybe grade six, potentially grade four, but probably grade six.
And I went to Abercrombie with my friend and we bought these,
Cedar Hollister, Abercrombie, and we bought these really tight shirts, right?
(35:21):
And I was so proud that we had the same shirts.
And we walked into gymnastics, and my friend was very naturally thin.
I was starting to get curves. And I remember my gymnast coach,
I was like, do you like our shirts?
And our gymnastic coach said, your friend, I don't want to name names,
(35:42):
but oh, she can wear that shirt, but you shouldn't wear that shirt. Oh, my God. Yeah.
And I remember being in like grade six and starting to look down at my body
and being like, looking at her body and looking at my body and being like,
okay, what's the difference here?
And then realizing like oh okay so
(36:03):
girls that are thin and not
curvy like they shouldn't wear tight clothes or sorry they can wear tight clothes
and me because I'm starting to get curves I should not wear tight clothes yeah
let me tell you I still have a hard time wearing wearing tight.
(36:24):
Clothes yes yeah that has
stuck around for a very long time I believe
it I try to be so careful about the way that I talk about my body and my appearances
when I'm around my stepkids because they're at those ages too where they're
starting to look outward to figure out what is right and acceptable.
(36:47):
Luckily, we've come a long way. Yeah.
Still not, you know, where we want to be.
But yeah, those messages, like they might seem small, but they actually have
a big impact on us, especially if it's building on deeper wounds, which usually it is.
Yes. Yeah. And I'm sure you've had this experience too, where clients are saying
(37:11):
like, Like, no, I can't really remember like anything that made me feel that way. Yeah. Right.
And we don't realize that it can be these like tiny little situations.
Yeah. And we don't realize the impact and how these like basically if you had
a moment of feeling shame,
feeling not good enough, feeling ugly or anything like that,
(37:34):
that sticks around in your psyche.
And we don't realize. Yeah. how much we
carry these things because unless you are processing
it releasing it and basically correcting that
thought in that moment it's sticking around in our psyche and I think the other
thing about the parts work framework that's so beneficial is to see like okay
(37:58):
even if I don't remember some of the experiences that created these parts like
if I have a perfectionist part something happened. Something.
Yeah. And I always tell people that because a lot of people can't remember the
specifics, right? Or in that moment.
And I always tell people like, don't get fixated on that. You don't need to
(38:20):
remember the situation.
Sometimes it will, like once they continue working or even through tapping and
things like that, the memories can start to come back.
But they're not, it's not necessary to completely remember them in order to heal.
No, it's more important to work with the feeling, right? It's much more important
to work with the feeling.
And I think a lot of people can get fixated on trying to figure out what made them feel that way.
(38:44):
And that's actually, that almost might be another part that's just like,
it's focusing on the wrong thing to try to feel useful.
Yeah. But it's actually resisting you to go into like the deeper healing work. Yeah.
So then when do the firefighter parts?
Yeah. So the firefighter part come in and you can, I love the name because they're
(39:09):
trying to put out the fire.
So basically, okay, you got the exile wounds and we've tried to push them down.
So our psyche tries to push the exile wounds down because they're painful to feel.
We kind of bury them basically. basically and then the
manager parts come in and they're trying to manage and like
so that we don't feel things and then basically when
a situation happens that actually starts you
(39:32):
start to feel the exile parts a little bit the firefighter parts get turned
on and they're basically trying to put out the fire and get you they're almost
they're protective roles but in a lot of ways they're distracting mechanisms
that are trying to make you so you don't have to feel the exile parts and what's going on.
So some examples of them could be the binger, right?
(39:55):
Right. Some of these roles can also play manager roles and firefighter roles.
But say a binger could get turned on when you're stressed, right?
A lot of us have that. Just numbing out.
Yeah, we get stressed. And then instead of looking at, okay,
why am I getting stressed?
Because stress would be a part as well so instead
(40:16):
of connecting with the part and asking like why is
it stress looking at all the thought patterns and the belief systems because
again you're you're typically you're always stressed because of belief system
that you're holding that's a hard one to hear I was literally talking to a client
about this this morning I was like there's actually like it's It's we create the stress.
(40:39):
Yeah. Our beliefs, our stories create the stress. Yeah.
And to dive into that, A, it can be uncomfortable. B, you do need to take time
to sit down and connect with your parts.
And a lot of us look for the easiest route out.
So say the binger will come in and you'll either turn on Netflix or you'll go
(41:01):
and like pour yourself a glass of wine or you'll start to open a bag of chips and you can't stop.
Right. And you're actually trying to soothe yourself. Yeah.
Can we also have like an avoidant like excuse by your fighter that's just like,
oh, you're too busy to like look at that or have time to do that?
(41:23):
Yeah. I feel like a lot of times we like make excuses for why we're not doing
the things that like we know.
And to be honest, I would almost put that as a manager. That's a manager. Yeah.
And so, yeah, like I said, sometimes they can be in, it really depends on if
you're like feeling triggered in the moment, because if you're feeling triggered
and parts are getting turned on, it's most likely like firefighter part.
(41:46):
But if you're keeping busy in order to like not do the work,
then that could be a manager part.
It's actually just keeping yourself very busy.
Yeah. The busy bee. The busy bee. Yeah. We write it as the busy bee.
Yeah. Yeah, so...
Other firefighter parts can even be like the arguer, where you end up trying,
(42:12):
instead of dipping down, this happens a lot in relationships,
where a situation happens,
both people start to get triggered.
Instead of dipping down into more of the vulnerable aspects that are getting
triggered, because a lot of times in conflict, it's actually a lot of exile
wounds that are are getting triggered. Things like, I don't feel seen.
(42:34):
I don't feel heard. I don't feel loved.
I don't feel taken care of. I'm feeling rejected or abandoned.
All those are quite the vulnerable aspects, but so many people don't actually
want to dip down and have an open, vulnerable conversation like that.
So then we stay up in the firefighters and we're just like arguing and we're
(42:56):
kind of defensive and yeah yeah
bringing up the past the well you did
this before exactly yep yeah defensive would
be another part yeah defensive part and you're basically trying it's a protective
role you're trying to protect yourself from feeling probably not good enough
yeah I think we've all felt that way before I know I've had a big defensive
(43:21):
part yeah yeah me too I do. Yeah.
And mine sometimes isn't even, well, it is a fear of not being good enough.
It's also the fear of doing something wrong.
That's been a big part within me that I've had to heal. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Yeah. So the framework, basically, to come to a place of greater healing,
(43:45):
greater harmony, we are to where people can start.
And what I guide people through is...
The easiest way to work with your parts is when we feel them.
Right. Yeah. So I love to help people use specific situations and then use that
(44:05):
situation to start to break down, okay, what are you feeling in this situation?
What parts might be getting triggered here?
And then we work with one part at a time because it's most effective to work
with one part because every part has a story to tell, basically.
And they need your full attention and you focusing on them to really hear why
(44:30):
they're feeling the way that they're feeling, what their views are on life,
on yourself, on other people, what belief systems they're holding on to.
And that's basically why they feel the way that they feel. That makes sense, yeah.
Yeah. So my favorite way to do it, my two favorite ways, A, you could do it
through guided meditation.
And I have some meditations that guide people through parts work.
(44:53):
My favorite way is through journaling and through using a chart that basically
asks sequential questions.
And we do this on retreats with people. Yeah. And it just works to connect to
the part, to start to explore the part and understand exactly why they're feeling
the way that they're feeling, what their fear, their root fear is.
(45:13):
Because a lot of times our parts, they're operating in the way that they are because of a fear. Yeah.
Yeah. A fear of not being good enough. A fear of being a failure. A fear of X, Y, Z.
And they almost like weren't taught that it's okay to feel that way.
I think like being a human, being afraid of failing is like.
(45:36):
Actually a normal emotion that we all share
in so to be allowed to like
be afraid and then maybe have somebody like
hold space for you and encourage you and be there for you through it yeah is
really so powerful because like we're not alone in these feelings yeah yeah
(45:58):
exactly yeah and then after After you understand the part's perspective,
then you can do some release work, some unburdening work.
So that is basically helping the part let go of that belief system.
And then what I love to end with is like healing and reparenting work.
(46:19):
So that's basically helping your part kind of reframe their perspectives.
Perspectives and what parts can
actually do when they they can actually take
on a new role once they've been unburdened so
say they've been in the role of holding this burden playing this protective
role once you release that and if you were to ask your part what they actually
(46:42):
want to do now some of them will say they actually just want to go rest because
they've been they've been
so exhausted from oh my god that's so
cute i know and you could just you can literally
tell them to go take like a nap and just rest yeah
others they can you could ask them
like what role do you want to play now and they could say like actually just
(47:06):
want to cheer you on yeah i want to practice holding these belief systems that
actually serve us more yeah it frees up space yeah yeah and then they can actually
just support you and like believing new things, basically.
Wow. Yeah. That's so powerful.
Is there anywhere that listeners can find your IFS framework or resources to do this work?
(47:33):
Yeah, so it is within my RISE program.
It has a whole module on there. It's on our retreats. We always have IFS work.
And then it will be a part of my new course coming in September as well, Becoming Source.
And I also mention it in the book that will be coming out.
(47:54):
Amazing. So lots of places to find and dive into IFS. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, thank you, Shauna, so much for teaching us about IFS and parts and sharing
like a really vulnerable part of your story as well, because I'm sure that so many listeners,
(48:15):
you know, whether they're in healthcare or something else, will be able to relate
to the themes that happened within that.
And hopefully give them some hope that whatever is happening in their life right
now is going to bring them to a brighter and more beautiful thing.
So thank you so much for sharing and teaching us.
(48:36):
Thank you so much listeners for joining us again for week three.
And we can't wait to see what episode four is going to bring you. Thanks, guys.
Music.
Welcome to the Naked Soul podcast where we dissolve the barriers between spirituality
and the human experience.
Here we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and
the lows, the glimmers and the triggers.
Our mission is to dive deep into the candid conversations that everyone thinks
about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around
(00:23):
the complexities of being human.
Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path or anywhere in between.
If you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light
and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here,
let's strip away the layers and let's get naked.
Welcome back to the Naked Soul podcast. We're here with episode three,
(00:47):
where we are going to be talking about inner child work through the lens of
internal family systems, also known as IFS.
So Shauna, could you please explain to us what IFS work and inner child work is? Absolutely.
So IFS, also known as internal family systems, I like to describe it as a framework
(01:13):
for understanding our psyche, basically.
And it's an amazing framework. It's probably the most effective and the most
comprehensive framework I have found for understanding our psyche,
which basically means understanding why we feel the way that we do in different
situations, why we think the different thoughts that we think, why we're holding.
(01:37):
What it shows you is that we, in so many different situations,
we're actually holding on to different belief systems that were formed throughout
our life in different situations.
And oftentimes, these belief systems are actually quite inaccurate.
They many times come from what's called wounded parts of ourselves.
(02:00):
And we'll get into all of this. But very often, they're coming from a wounded
lens, a wounded part of ourselves.
And what this ends up doing is it actually can cause a lot of suffering.
And it can cause us to, it can really limit us.
So we can actually be operating from these wounded aspects of ourselves and
(02:22):
these say limiting beliefs without even realizing it.
And then this can prevent us, A, it can make us feel all sorts of uncomfortable
emotions in different situations. So think about any time you're triggered by
a different situation or by someone.
Oftentimes, the trigger, basically the feeling of discomfort,
(02:42):
a trigger is basically feeling uncomfortable, right?
Feeling some sort of uncomfortable emotion, whether it is anxiety,
anger, jealousy, sadness.
Sadness but basically a lot of times when you're
feeling these ways when you're in a situation and you feel an
uncomfortable emotion kind of arise it's actually poking at a wounded aspect
(03:03):
within ourselves and it's bringing up these limiting beliefs they're often very
subconscious though so this is the benefit of diving into a framework like internal
family systems because we can start to uncover,
oh, interesting, like in that situation,
why did I feel that way? What was it actually poking at?
What was the hidden belief system that was lurking there?
(03:26):
And then what the framework also does is it takes it a step further and teaches
us how to heal these wounded aspects of ourselves and unburden.
It's called an unburdening process.
So it's unburdening ourselves from these limiting beliefs and from these belief
systems that we've basically been holding on to.
So that's what it is amazing for.
(03:49):
And when I discovered it, it was so eye opening and so healing.
And I just fell in love with the framework. And then when I started teaching
it in my courses and on retreats, what was so exciting was that the same response
from other from all the women from other people, it was like takeaways.
(04:11):
When we shared takeaways at at the end of retreats. It was like,
what were some of your biggest takeaways?
And the IFS framework has been so helpful and so healing to so many people.
I think so many people ask the question of like, why am I this way? Yeah.
Especially when that kind of light bulb moment goes off of like,
(04:32):
okay, I'm a co-creator in my life, in my reality.
Why am I creating this experience? Yeah.
And it relates very much to what you said in either the previous episode or the one before that,
where you said life can sometimes feel like Groundhog Day where we're repeating
behaviors and we can have these like patterns of either feeling like anxious
(04:56):
in these situations or procrastinating or not falling through on something.
And we're like, why, why do I keep doing this? Yeah. I know what I should be doing.
Yeah how come I'm not doing it or
what's the resistance to doing it yeah
exactly yeah so I thought
it would be helpful to explain how I
(05:17):
found internal family systems because it
actually shows a really cool story of how
manifestation works oh yay love the manifestations yeah and we'll have an episode
on manifestation in the future but this was just a really cool experience I
think that Sometimes people think
that manifestation works in the way of like, you put out this desire,
(05:40):
and then it's like, bam, here you go.
Right? Like, yeah, which sometimes it can, I've had some really cool experiences of that as well.
But oftentimes, it sends you the stepping stones.
And that was very much what this was for me, I was putting out the desire for healing.
And it sent me internal family systems. So cool. Cool.
(06:01):
So basically, back in 2018, I explained this in episode one,
when my brother passed away.
So he passed from a accidental drug overdose, and that was laced with fentanyl.
So he used substances to soothe suffering within depression and anxiety,
(06:24):
as many people with substance abuse use, right? That's why they use them. So.
He passed in 2018, and that was very challenging.
And then when he passed, I was also working as a mental health nurse on a mental
health ward. It was very challenging.
(06:47):
When he passed away, I had four days off,
but it was very challenging to have to go back into working in mental health
and basically seeing patients that resembled the same story that had just played
out. Like they're all your brother.
Yes. So I was seeing a lot of people with substance challenges.
(07:10):
Then I was also seeing, I remember I had a patient, a mother whose son was struggling
with substance abuse and she was my patient.
And I just remember looking at her and seeing like the fear within her eyes.
And she was like literally shaking about what's going to happen to my son.
And I remember I did not have the capacity to work with this client four days,
(07:33):
like, you know, the following week after my brother passed away.
And so I went to the doctors and granted, this was not my family doctor because
I was in a city, I was living in a city where I hadn't gotten a family doctor.
And I went in and I was requesting extra time off.
And I explained the situation to him. And he basically looked at me and said,
(07:56):
I don't understand the connection.
Why do you need time off? Wow.
Feels like it should be such an obvious connection. Yeah.
And in that moment, I had been debating going in. And I was like,
you know what? No, this is the right thing to do. Because I was really struggling at work.
I was having to leave the unit to go have moments of grief in the bathroom.
(08:19):
And I just knew I was not effective. So I actually thought it was the right
thing to do to go into the doctor and just ask for some time off.
And I got met with that response.
And it triggered all the, what we'll explain as parts, but it explains,
or it triggered so many parts within me.
The not good enough part, the weak part, the weak part, the weak part.
(08:42):
It really brought that one up. Especially as a woman. Yeah.
Yeah. And it was like, the voice in my head was like, see, you should have just kept checking on.
You should have locked this in a box and just like kept going on.
And so all these limiting beliefs were coming up And I decided that that's what I needed to do.
So I put that into a box. And I said, Okay, I will, yeah, I'll just access this
(09:07):
when I get home on my days off.
And we will just will keep acting very soldier like kind of on the unit and
do the best that we can do.
Continue doing that. So that was in April.
Continue doing that for the whole rest of the year. then came around January, the following January.
And I'm now working in the psychiatric emergency department.
(09:30):
We are severely understaffed and I'm in charge. So I'm in charge of the unit.
And this one evening we had 24 patients on the unit for a unit that's built for six. Oh, my God.
So and this is not just like, you know, picture people coming in with suicidal
(09:53):
thoughts, people coming in, in extreme psychosis, aggression,
we had people coming in with police needing to be restrained,
sedated, then we'd have another person coming in complaining of suicidal thoughts.
And now picture 24 of those patients. Yeah, I can't imagine.
And it's built for six. So we don't even have the room or like the capacity for it.
(10:15):
And I'm in charge. So I come in onto that shift and right away,
I'm like, this is a sinking ship.
Like this does not look safe at all.
One hour into my shift, I can see that we're not handling this well at all.
So I call my manager to get approved for extra staff to come in.
I explain the situation. he declines the request because it's not within the
(10:39):
budget and everything is always about the budget in the healthcare system.
Yeah. And for those of you listening, if you're not in Canada, we're from Canada.
And so we kind of think that our healthcare is free, but it's interesting to
have that inside lens where actually like.
(11:02):
It's not really free. Like there are a lot of corners that are being cut and
costs that are being cut.
Yes. Yeah. And it's not funded enough, even though it's free.
And then we're running into a lot of problems as well. Yeah.
So he declines the request and I'm like, okay, I just have to keep this ship running basically.
(11:23):
And typically when you're charged nurse, you shouldn't actually have a whole
caseload to yourself, like a patient loan, But because there's only three staff and 24 patients,
I had to have like my own whole caseload plus like organizing the unit and running
the unit and flow it, making sure it flows.
There was a incident that evening, that night shift, where an order was missed on a gentleman.
(11:52):
And this gentleman ended up ending his life later on. And what does,
and like, what would an order be?
Yeah, an order can be, there can be orders on anything like this person needs
this amount of blood given, or this person needs a medication,
or it can be follow-up orders.
So his was a follow-up order, and it was refer this patient to this place,
(12:16):
basically this outpatient clinic.
Right. And that was missed. It wasn't faxed. It ended up being my patient that
I missed this order, and I didn't fax that order. So basically,
the referral did not get sent for his follow up care.
And then I learned that he ended his life after he left the hospital.
(12:38):
And of course, all of the thoughts of like, oh, my goodness,
a, I, like, I pride myself on not saying missing orders and just,
you know, working so hard as a nurse to do the best job.
So I'm like I do not miss orders like I'm not the type of nurse to miss orders
(12:59):
and this is like a system problem here mmhmm.
Luckily, the man was elderly, which I know every life is precious,
but I think that helped me move forward from it because I think if it had have
been like a young individual, like your brother's age,
yeah, that would have been a lot harder for me to work through.
(13:25):
So that was the one thing that I was like, okay, he was elderly and he was towards the end of his life.
And I did find out later that he did get referred through another means.
So those aspects made me feel better about the situation, but it didn't take
away from like why the situation happened.
And basically there was a review that was done into this situation.
(13:48):
And my manager said, well, how was this order missed?
And I'm like, what do you mean? And is this the same manager that you called to have?
Yes. So I'm like, what do you mean? How is the order missed?
Like, yeah. And I explained that like, this was the same night that I called you saying like,
(14:10):
this is a sinking ship in other words,
obviously, but like we need extra staff and you
declined it and of course they just kind
of like brush it off right and he said okay well
that's okay these things happen that's what he ended
up saying right as soon as it was maybe going
to be put on them right and I was like no these things like they don't just
(14:32):
happen like they don't need to be happening so that conversation did not sit
well with me and I was sitting at home and thinking about going in for my next shifts,
and I started experiencing panic.
So I was experiencing lots of panic, anxiety.
I sent him an email about the changes.
(14:56):
I sent him a whole chart that I created about problems on the unit and changes
that could be made to help increase safety on the unit and effectiveness of patient care.
I emailed it to him, his response. He didn't acknowledge it.
And he just said, when are you coming back to work?
So that was a clear message to me that they do not care about safety.
(15:22):
They don't care about our emotional health.
The trauma that we're basically needing to take on, they just want,
you're just a number, basically. That was the message that I was receiving.
So the panic kept increasing.
Literally your body just telling you to get the heck out of there. Yeah.
So I went to the doctors, this time my family doctor, because I was back in
(15:45):
the city where I had a family doctor.
And she diagnosed me with complex PTSD. And it was a combination of a bunch of things.
It was a combination of everything that was happening at work,
that situation that happened at work, some other situations that had come up,
as well as unprocessed grief from my brother's passing,
(16:07):
because she could tell that I was still carrying this into a lot of my shifts
and every day, basically.
And I hadn't had time to process it all, basically.
So she gave me some time off work, very thankfully.
And then she recommended that I explore some trauma modalities that can help
with trauma, EFT being one of them, EFT tapping, emotional freedom technique. She mentioned that one.
(16:33):
And she mentioned some other their ones. But for some reason, EFT tapping sat my head.
So I'm, it was the following week and I'm running errands and I ran an errand at the bank.
And then I realized that there was this little bookstore that I had parked in
front of that I hadn't realized before.
And keep in mind this whole time since my brother passed, I've still been putting
(16:57):
out the desire through manifestation practices of thank you for sending me healing.
Thank you for sending me healing. thank you for
sending me strength so I was continuing those practices and then this doctor
mentioned EFT tapping then I'm running errands I see this little bookstore I
decide to mosey into the bookstore and the lady says we're chit-chatting and
(17:20):
she says can I help you find anything.
And I say no at first, and then I'm browsing more, and then my conversation
with the doctor popped into my head.
And I was like, oh, I should ask if there's any books on EFT tapping.
So I asked her, I said, hey, do you have any books on EFT tapping?
It was recommended for me.
And she says, no, I don't have any books, but right across the road is a practitioner
(17:46):
who does EFT tapping, and she's amazing at it.
And I was like, my God. you can't make
this stuff up weird yeah and she's
like I've been to her she's amazing she specializes in
EFT tapping and I'm just like that is so bizarre so you moseyed across the street
across the street I write down her info I didn't go in right away and I looked
(18:09):
her up online and I book an appointment with her the following week and anyways
this is how I discovered through Through this person,
this is how I discovered EFT tapping, IFS.
So she combined tapping with internal family systems and breath work. Wow.
And you know, yeah, you're like, whoa, those are like three modalities that
(18:31):
A, you love, and B, are like so much a part of my future. Yeah, like I just got chills.
That's crazy. And it was all through that one person that I learned these things.
It was also all through this traumatic event.
Yes. which I feel like we talked about this in the previous episode where it's like you don't realize.
(18:51):
How sometimes these traumatic awful things and you're like why is this happening
to me but they can actually be
leading you to yeah you don't know the path that it's going to set you on,
yeah yeah so it was a very hard experience to go through but it has led to so
much good and so I I had a session with her and she.
(19:16):
Taught me IFS. She introduced me to IFS and taught me how to do EFT tapping with it.
And then later on, I took breathwork with her and explored 30 weeks of breathwork as well. Yeah.
And let me tell you, these three modalities, holy cow,
have brought me so much healing, so much insight,
(19:41):
and like so many other people
so much healing yes yeah and then once I
started teaching them because I fell in love with all of them
and eventually began teaching them
and you're exactly right like on retreats people are like wow like so much like
so many insights and healing from IFS and yeah yeah and breath work so what
(20:04):
is IFS we'll dive into it yeah tell us about it I I love hearing about it every
time you teach it. I'm like, this is so good.
Yeah. So it was created by a therapist named Richard Schwartz.
And the more I learn about him and how it was developed, I'm just like,
this is such a cool story.
Because he began discovering it in the 80s. So it's actually been around for a while.
(20:28):
But it's growing in popularity. It is so popular right now that you can't even
get into any trainings with it. Like, therapists are, like, running to it.
Yeah. And I just looked even a little bit a while ago, and it's,
like, fully booked out. So...
The reason I think it is, is because it's so effective and it's such a comprehensive framework.
(20:52):
It really combines Western views of therapy combined with spirituality, which is so cool.
So he created it in the 80s and basically he created it through,
it was just interaction with his clients.
And what he realized was clients were coming into his office and they were saying,
(21:13):
a part of me feels this way and a part of me
feels this way I still say these things like even
knowing about IFS I still
recognize the part yeah yeah it's
actually so cool because I now that I know IFS it's
so funny when you're in a conversation with someone and they
literally say a part of me feels okay but
(21:35):
you know another part of me feels this way and they're literally
like stating it yeah they're they're basically
saying to you i have this part within me and this part
within me and that's basically what he discovered is that
we all have all these different personalities and they call them parts within
us and what can happen is well let's start with the true essence so we also
(21:58):
all have a true essence which in spirituality there's so many different terms for this.
It could be like your Buddha nature, your Christ consciousness.
What are some others? I call it the soul. The soul, your true nature,
your true essence. They call it yourself.
Yeah, your highest self. Your highest self. Yeah.
(22:19):
So we have this self within us and I like to describe it to help people understand
yourself is I like to open the question as what would you be like Like if you had no wounding at all.
And I love asking that question on retreats because everyone's just like,
like eyes go wide and it's like, whoa.
(22:40):
Like, and I asked like, what are the qualities you would be if you had no wounding?
And some of the answers are, what are some of your answers?
Just love. Love, peace, acceptance, freedom, playfulness.
This is another one a lot of people say. And just, yeah, lightness.
(23:05):
And that is our true essence.
That is who we actually are. And we'll get into this. It'll also make you cry
a little bit to think, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm sure we'll get into more about the soul, the true essence,
even from a non-dual perspective.
We'll have episodes on that. But this is who we are at our core.
(23:27):
Many people can't feel this. And it's actually because we're operating from
our part so much and we do not realize it.
So how do the parts get formed? There's all different parts.
There are what's It's called exile parts, manager parts, and firefighter parts.
(23:47):
I'm literally pointing to the diagram, the chart that I slain.
Yeah. So exile parts are our most wounded.
They're the most painful wounds that we can have within us. They can be holding
the most painful belief systems and wounds.
And some of these are like the unlovable part,
(24:09):
the shameful part, part the not
good enough part the abandoned part the rejected
part when i even say these words you can
just feel it they're like that wounded little child's like
hiding in a corner yes exactly so these can get formed parts get formed basically
the belief systems and the burdens get formed through different experiences
(24:34):
in childhood that's when they're most often formed they actually say They were born with our parts,
but the burdens and the wounds of them come through experiences, basically.
Well, there's so much messaging that's already sent to us when we're in the womb.
Exactly. Which is crazy. So that's when it can first start. Yeah. Yeah.
(24:55):
So think about, I'm trying to even think about, say a mom has...
Substance use habits, right? That could even be sending signals to a fetus that
this space is unsafe. Yeah.
Something like that, right? So you could actually start to form a belief system
(25:16):
and you could hold this belief system that the world is an unsafe space or it's
not meeting your needs, it's not nourishing.
One that I know a lot of us
have and that I've seen a lot with
my clients there's like this generation of parents
that through their own trauma were seeking like
(25:36):
their children to be the ones who were like filling them and making them feel
loved so these children were literally born with this imprint of like i'm here
to take care of my mother or my parents and to make them happy and that's where
like a lot of our just inherent kind of people pleasing came
from yeah yeah this message through the womb of like you're gonna kind of be my savior almost.
(26:04):
Yeah i have that part right yeah yeah
we can identify parts as we go that we have yeah and another a very easy example
to the one i use about the playground a lot on retreats is say you're four years
old and your mom dresses you in a red shirt you go to the playground and
(26:25):
all the kids are wearing, I'm looking at you, green. All the kids are wearing green.
And some of the kids laugh at you. And they say like, you're wearing a red shirt.
Didn't you know it's like,
that's not cool type thing. Right. And it can be all these, like,
like we would look at this and just be like, what a silly situation.
Right. But when you're a child, you're taking in this messaging,
(26:49):
like our brains are like sponges and you don't have the mental or emotional
maturity to understand.
Yeah. And to be like your true essence, like isn't developed in terms of like
speaking strong enough to say to you in that moment, like, no,
no, no, this is just them.
They're trying to make themselves feel better and beautiful, right?
(27:12):
But you're like, green shirts are just as good as red shirts.
Like there's no, yeah, that's not going on.
As a child, you just take in and you're starting to form belief systems very quickly as a child.
So you're basically saying like, what does this mean about me?
That's kind of what you're always doing as a child. You're taking in a situation
(27:32):
and you're trying to like orient yourself in the world.
But unfortunately, a lot of times we orient ourselves incorrectly through like a wounded lens.
So that situation might happen. And suddenly we start to say to ourselves,
I'm not as good as them. I'm lame. I'm a loser.
You start to like your shameful part can get developed. Like I'm wearing red.
(27:56):
Why would I do that? Mm-hmm.
They could take off and run away. And then that, again, is strengthening the
abandoned part, the rejected part.
Yeah so one situation can strengthen
these burdens that these parts are
holding yeah and then a lot of
(28:17):
times the child goes home tells this story to
mom and dad and they just kind of say like
you shouldn't feel that way yeah there's so many like
mixed messages in and I often say that parents have one of the hardest roles
oh yeah because we've heard on retreats where it's It's like even like well-meaning
(28:37):
things sometimes end up like getting shifted and like not serving the child in the best way.
Or like it shifts them into a different mode of functioning.
Like for one person said like the mom was so loving and encouraging,
but it almost made her not believe in herself.
So it's so interesting. And then I'm just like, man, parents have such a tough job.
(29:01):
I remember like before I got into this work and really understanding that,
like we talked about our children are meant to go through these experiences
for their soul growth and evolution.
But before I understood that, I remember being like, I had such amazing parents
who loved me so much and still they missed so much. Right.
(29:24):
And still I have this trauma and still there's things.
Right. So I had so much fear before discovering this work of doing that to a
child because even the best of parents are going to miss something.
Exactly. And I think what's helpful when we explain it, say on retreats,
(29:46):
we explain it how you can do the best that you can and also know that.
Certain things are out of your control in terms of you don't know what your
child needs for their soul growth, basically, right?
And if they don't get it from you, they might just get it from the outside world, teachers.
And yeah, and I always tell any moms that are doing this work,
(30:10):
because I know it can like make them anxious, like, Oh, gosh,
like, I don't want to do this to my kid.
I don't want to do this to my kid, what parts of my forming in my child,
that will actually, so right there, it's actually triggering an anxious part
and a fearful part, right?
It's right there. It's triggering it. And all, okay, you can ask yourself what
(30:32):
belief systems are coming up from that anxious part.
And it's like, I'm not a good enough mom. I don't want to mess up my child.
I don't want to be the cause of this, right?
And all of that is the anxious commentary of that part, basically.
But I always tell moms that the best thing you can do is start to look at this
work and focus on yourself.
(30:54):
Because when you start to focus on yourself and healing yourself,
that actually will, like our energy gets shifted outwards.
So if you are creating a more loving and healed environment within,
you're going to naturally send out more love.
And that's actually the most control.
(31:14):
Like if you're looking for control, we, it will talk a lot about control over
the course of episodes, but,
that's the most effective thing that you can do. Yeah. Such a good reminder for me.
Yeah. So those would be the exile parts, the most wounded parts.
Manager parts get formed because the exile parts are very painful to feel.
(31:40):
So basically, we start to develop ways of being in order to protect ourselves
from feeling the exile parts.
Both manager parts and the other ones are firefighter parts
they play protective roles so they're actually
trying to protect you from feeling pain yeah basically so
(32:01):
an example of a so well-meaning and this
is why he has a book richard schwartz called no bad parts yeah because once
you actually so the goal of the framework is to actually get in touch with all
your different parts and form relationships with them and start to connect with
(32:22):
them and ask them questions.
And when you do this, you actually realize that they're actually playing quite a useful role.
What they're doing is trying to protect you from pain.
And they really believe that their role is needed in order to protect you from pain.
And what you need to do is you need to connect to these parts
(32:43):
from your true essence and basically you need
to see the burdens that they've been carrying which are
like the belief systems they've been carrying and you need to help them release
and unload these burdens and slowly teach them and coach them that there could
be another way yeah yeah and then from there it's actually like helping them
(33:05):
live in a different way and slowly
seeing that your way can be trusted, basically.
So an example of a manager part is the perfectionist or the people pleaser.
So we could develop into, if we were, if something happened in,
okay, going back to that red shirt, green shirt situation, if we felt that if
(33:29):
that situation made us feel not good enough.
We could develop a perfectionist part that says, okay, I'm going to go find
cool shirts around. This is just, it's a silly example.
And then you could become a perfectionist with what you're wearing or maybe
what you look like because appearances.
Yeah. Yeah. I shouldn't even say it's a silly situation because.
(33:50):
No. Like a lot of people have. Huge impact. Yeah. I remember I had a grade one
teacher and I had cut my bangs and I was growing my bangs out.
And so I was wearing headbands to get my bangs back.
And she started calling me headband girl. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
And there was even another girl in the class that was, you know, kind of the popular one.
(34:12):
And she would be like, oh, like, I know that everybody wants to,
like, be like her. Right.
And so, yeah, that was as an adult when I thought about it, I was like,
oh, it's silly that this is still affecting you. And then I brought myself into
that, like, grade one version of Lori.
And it's like, I was really hurt and, like, embarrassed by that.
(34:36):
Like, she said it in front of the class, in front of my peers.
Yeah. And I just felt really, like, uncool. Yeah.
And then that can stick with you. Yeah. This feeling of feeling uncool can really
stick with you. It did. Yes.
I don't doubt it. Yeah. And I have this, it's actually a great example that
(35:00):
I use because it's interesting how we both have examples of this.
And my example too is I'm trying to remember what grade I would have been in,
maybe grade six, potentially grade four, but probably grade six.
And I went to Abercrombie with my friend and we bought these,
Cedar Hollister, Abercrombie, and we bought these really tight shirts, right?
(35:21):
And I was so proud that we had the same shirts.
And we walked into gymnastics, and my friend was very naturally thin.
I was starting to get curves. And I remember my gymnast coach,
I was like, do you like our shirts?
And our gymnastic coach said, your friend, I don't want to name names,
(35:42):
but oh, she can wear that shirt, but you shouldn't wear that shirt. Oh, my God. Yeah.
And I remember being in like grade six and starting to look down at my body
and being like, looking at her body and looking at my body and being like,
okay, what's the difference here?
And then realizing like oh okay so
(36:03):
girls that are thin and not
curvy like they shouldn't wear tight clothes or sorry they can wear tight clothes
and me because I'm starting to get curves I should not wear tight clothes yeah
let me tell you I still have a hard time wearing wearing tight.
(36:24):
Clothes yes yeah that has
stuck around for a very long time I believe
it I try to be so careful about the way that I talk about my body and my appearances
when I'm around my stepkids because they're at those ages too where they're
starting to look outward to figure out what is right and acceptable.
(36:47):
Luckily, we've come a long way. Yeah.
Still not, you know, where we want to be.
But yeah, those messages, like they might seem small, but they actually have
a big impact on us, especially if it's building on deeper wounds, which usually it is.
Yes. Yeah. And I'm sure you've had this experience too, where clients are saying
(37:11):
like, Like, no, I can't really remember like anything that made me feel that way. Yeah. Right.
And we don't realize that it can be these like tiny little situations.
Yeah. And we don't realize the impact and how these like basically if you had
a moment of feeling shame,
feeling not good enough, feeling ugly or anything like that,
(37:34):
that sticks around in your psyche.
And we don't realize. Yeah. how much we
carry these things because unless you are processing
it releasing it and basically correcting that
thought in that moment it's sticking around in our psyche and I think the other
thing about the parts work framework that's so beneficial is to see like okay
(37:58):
even if I don't remember some of the experiences that created these parts like
if I have a perfectionist part something happened. Something.
Yeah. And I always tell people that because a lot of people can't remember the
specifics, right? Or in that moment.
And I always tell people like, don't get fixated on that. You don't need to
(38:20):
remember the situation.
Sometimes it will, like once they continue working or even through tapping and
things like that, the memories can start to come back.
But they're not, it's not necessary to completely remember them in order to heal.
No, it's more important to work with the feeling, right? It's much more important
to work with the feeling.
And I think a lot of people can get fixated on trying to figure out what made them feel that way.
(38:44):
And that's actually, that almost might be another part that's just like,
it's focusing on the wrong thing to try to feel useful.
Yeah. But it's actually resisting you to go into like the deeper healing work. Yeah.
So then when do the firefighter parts?
Yeah. So the firefighter part come in and you can, I love the name because they're
(39:09):
trying to put out the fire.
So basically, okay, you got the exile wounds and we've tried to push them down.
So our psyche tries to push the exile wounds down because they're painful to feel.
We kind of bury them basically. basically and then the
manager parts come in and they're trying to manage and like
so that we don't feel things and then basically when
a situation happens that actually starts you
(39:32):
start to feel the exile parts a little bit the firefighter parts get turned
on and they're basically trying to put out the fire and get you they're almost
they're protective roles but in a lot of ways they're distracting mechanisms
that are trying to make you so you don't have to feel the exile parts and what's going on.
So some examples of them could be the binger, right?
(39:55):
Right. Some of these roles can also play manager roles and firefighter roles.
But say a binger could get turned on when you're stressed, right?
A lot of us have that. Just numbing out.
Yeah, we get stressed. And then instead of looking at, okay,
why am I getting stressed?
Because stress would be a part as well so instead
(40:16):
of connecting with the part and asking like why is
it stress looking at all the thought patterns and the belief systems because
again you're you're typically you're always stressed because of belief system
that you're holding that's a hard one to hear I was literally talking to a client
about this this morning I was like there's actually like it's It's we create the stress.
(40:39):
Yeah. Our beliefs, our stories create the stress. Yeah.
And to dive into that, A, it can be uncomfortable. B, you do need to take time
to sit down and connect with your parts.
And a lot of us look for the easiest route out.
So say the binger will come in and you'll either turn on Netflix or you'll go
(41:01):
and like pour yourself a glass of wine or you'll start to open a bag of chips and you can't stop.
Right. And you're actually trying to soothe yourself. Yeah.
Can we also have like an avoidant like excuse by your fighter that's just like,
oh, you're too busy to like look at that or have time to do that?
(41:23):
Yeah. I feel like a lot of times we like make excuses for why we're not doing
the things that like we know.
And to be honest, I would almost put that as a manager. That's a manager. Yeah.
And so, yeah, like I said, sometimes they can be in, it really depends on if
you're like feeling triggered in the moment, because if you're feeling triggered
and parts are getting turned on, it's most likely like firefighter part.
(41:46):
But if you're keeping busy in order to like not do the work,
then that could be a manager part.
It's actually just keeping yourself very busy.
Yeah. The busy bee. The busy bee. Yeah. We write it as the busy bee.
Yeah. Yeah, so...
Other firefighter parts can even be like the arguer, where you end up trying,
(42:12):
instead of dipping down, this happens a lot in relationships,
where a situation happens,
both people start to get triggered.
Instead of dipping down into more of the vulnerable aspects that are getting
triggered, because a lot of times in conflict, it's actually a lot of exile
wounds that are are getting triggered. Things like, I don't feel seen.
(42:34):
I don't feel heard. I don't feel loved.
I don't feel taken care of. I'm feeling rejected or abandoned.
All those are quite the vulnerable aspects, but so many people don't actually
want to dip down and have an open, vulnerable conversation like that.
So then we stay up in the firefighters and we're just like arguing and we're
(42:56):
kind of defensive and yeah yeah
bringing up the past the well you did
this before exactly yep yeah defensive would
be another part yeah defensive part and you're basically trying it's a protective
role you're trying to protect yourself from feeling probably not good enough
yeah I think we've all felt that way before I know I've had a big defensive
(43:21):
part yeah yeah me too I do. Yeah.
And mine sometimes isn't even, well, it is a fear of not being good enough.
It's also the fear of doing something wrong.
That's been a big part within me that I've had to heal. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Yeah. So the framework, basically, to come to a place of greater healing,
(43:45):
greater harmony, we are to where people can start.
And what I guide people through is...
The easiest way to work with your parts is when we feel them.
Right. Yeah. So I love to help people use specific situations and then use that
(44:05):
situation to start to break down, okay, what are you feeling in this situation?
What parts might be getting triggered here?
And then we work with one part at a time because it's most effective to work
with one part because every part has a story to tell, basically.
And they need your full attention and you focusing on them to really hear why
(44:30):
they're feeling the way that they're feeling, what their views are on life,
on yourself, on other people, what belief systems they're holding on to.
And that's basically why they feel the way that they feel. That makes sense, yeah.
Yeah. So my favorite way to do it, my two favorite ways, A, you could do it
through guided meditation.
And I have some meditations that guide people through parts work.
(44:53):
My favorite way is through journaling and through using a chart that basically
asks sequential questions.
And we do this on retreats with people. Yeah. And it just works to connect to
the part, to start to explore the part and understand exactly why they're feeling
the way that they're feeling, what their fear, their root fear is.
(45:13):
Because a lot of times our parts, they're operating in the way that they are because of a fear. Yeah.
Yeah. A fear of not being good enough. A fear of being a failure. A fear of X, Y, Z.
And they almost like weren't taught that it's okay to feel that way.
I think like being a human, being afraid of failing is like.
(45:36):
Actually a normal emotion that we all share
in so to be allowed to like
be afraid and then maybe have somebody like
hold space for you and encourage you and be there for you through it yeah is
really so powerful because like we're not alone in these feelings yeah yeah
(45:58):
exactly yeah and then after After you understand the part's perspective,
then you can do some release work, some unburdening work.
So that is basically helping the part let go of that belief system.
And then what I love to end with is like healing and reparenting work.
(46:19):
So that's basically helping your part kind of reframe their perspectives.
Perspectives and what parts can
actually do when they they can actually take
on a new role once they've been unburdened so
say they've been in the role of holding this burden playing this protective
role once you release that and if you were to ask your part what they actually
(46:42):
want to do now some of them will say they actually just want to go rest because
they've been they've been
so exhausted from oh my god that's so
cute i know and you could just you can literally
tell them to go take like a nap and just rest yeah
others they can you could ask them
like what role do you want to play now and they could say like actually just
(47:06):
want to cheer you on yeah i want to practice holding these belief systems that
actually serve us more yeah it frees up space yeah yeah and then they can actually
just support you and like believing new things, basically.
Wow. Yeah. That's so powerful.
Is there anywhere that listeners can find your IFS framework or resources to do this work?
(47:33):
Yeah, so it is within my RISE program.
It has a whole module on there. It's on our retreats. We always have IFS work.
And then it will be a part of my new course coming in September as well, Becoming Source.
And I also mention it in the book that will be coming out.
(47:54):
Amazing. So lots of places to find and dive into IFS. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, thank you, Shauna, so much for teaching us about IFS and parts and sharing
like a really vulnerable part of your story as well, because I'm sure that so many listeners,
(48:15):
you know, whether they're in healthcare or something else, will be able to relate
to the themes that happened within that.
And hopefully give them some hope that whatever is happening in their life right
now is going to bring them to a brighter and more beautiful thing.
So thank you so much for sharing and teaching us.
(48:36):
Thank you so much listeners for joining us again for week three.
And we can't wait to see what episode four is going to bring you. Thanks, guys.
Music.
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