September 4, 2024 • 63 mins
Welcome to Episode 4 of the Naked Soul podcast! In this episode, we dive deep into the concept of the ego mind, often associated with fear-based thinking. If you struggle with negative thoughts, stress, overwhelm, or feelings of inadequacy, this episode is for you.
We begin by defining the ego mind, exploring its origins and discussing how the ego mind functions as a counterpart to our soul, bringing forward challenges and non-loving emotions that our soul is meant to overcome for growth. We discuss the importance of the ego in our physical existence and how it shapes our sense of identity but also the problems we can encounter when we live from and associate ourselves with the ego mind too strongly.
Through candid conversations, we share insights on shifting from ego-based thinking to a more soul-centered approach. Learn practical techniques to quiet the ego mind, recognize limiting beliefs, and tune into the intuitive messages of your soul to help you live a more aligned, peaceful and empowered life and to better follow the path that is authentic to you.
We hope you enjoy!
Shawna & Laurie
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Learn more about Laurie & her offerings: www.laurieoakesmediumship.com
Instagram: @laurieoakesmediumship
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The Naked Soul podcast dissolves the barriers between spirituality and the human experience. Here, we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and the lows, the glimmers and the triggers. Our mission is to dive deep into candid conversations that everyone thinks about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around the complexities of being human. Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path, or anywhere in between, if you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here, let's strip away the layers and get naked.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to the Naked Soul podcast where we dissolve the barriers between spirituality
and the human experience.
Here we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and
the lows, the glimmers and the triggers.
Our mission is to dive deep into the candid conversations that everyone thinks
about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around
(00:23):
the complexities of being human.
Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path or anywhere in between.
If you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light
and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here,
let's strip away the layers and let's get naked.
Welcome back everyone to episode four of the Naked Soul podcast.
(00:46):
Today we are exploring the ego mind and ego mind is really associated with fear-based thinking.
That's usually how it's best known for.
So if you struggle with anything like negative thinking,
stress, overwhelm, feelings of not good enough, sadness,
we're going to explore where this comes from,
(01:08):
so where the ego mind originates, what it is, and then we're also going to talk
about how to shift from ego-based thinking to thinking that's more coming from
our our soul, our intuition,
and our higher self.
So we're going to start with Lori, what would you define the ego mind as?
(01:29):
Yeah, I'm just like, first of all, so excited for this episode.
Yeah, me too. Because we both talk about the ego mind and like similar in different
ways that I think really help people get like a full understanding of what it is.
So the ego mind for me is...
I always look at things from a mind-body-soul experiencing life in the physical body lens.
(01:54):
Right. So the soul, as we've touched on, is the eternal part.
It's the true self, the higher self, the intuitive part of us.
And we are experiencing life in a physical body. And the physical body is mortal.
And it's really focused on, like we touched on, that sight as being the most dominant sense.
(02:17):
So we believe what we see we
believe all of our experiences and when
we're looking at this lens of duality the soul is the loving part and the ego
mind is the non-loving counterpart to the soul okay so the soul is here to grow
(02:37):
that growth comes from learning lessons lessons present themselves as challenges.
And so the ego mind is actually here to seek out the negativity and to bring
forward the non-loving emotions that our soul is meant to overcome. Right. Yeah.
(02:58):
Because if we didn't have this kind of counterpart of us, like we have the darkness
and the light and the yin and the yang, if we didn't have the ego mind,
we wouldn't be having experiences that create discomfort,
that create difficulty to give us that opportunity to move back into love,
like we've talked about in previous episodes.
(03:20):
Yeah. And I think that's an amazing point to start on because that answers the
question as to like, are we meant to have an ego mind?
And like, basically, why do we have this ego mind that causes so much suffering?
Like some Some people have a view of it as almost being like a glitch in the
universe as to like, why do we have this ego mind that's so negative?
(03:43):
Why is our mind programmed to thinking like most often negatively?
Yeah. But it's actually meant to be there because that's the way that your soul
is experiencing growth. Yes.
And I always, like we talked about how there's 50% loving emotions on this planet
and there's 50% non-loving, we are literally hardwired and programmed to focus on the negative.
(04:11):
Right. Because, and I like to use the analogy of working out at a gym.
It's the picking up and the putting down of the weights and the flexing it that
builds that muscle, right? So it's,
Seeing the negative and moving back to the positive, that's flexing that muscle,
meaning that we're growing.
(04:33):
And we just couldn't have that experience if we didn't have this part of us
that was so dead set on seeing the negative in everything first.
Right. And I feel like another way of viewing it is we're on a journey of knowing
our true selves as like love,
but in order to like, we have to be presented these challenges and we have to
(04:59):
be overcoming negative thinking in order for us and have all these experiences
where we're like, okay, no,
the negative thinking doesn't actually get me to where I want to go.
So my truth is actually the opposite.
And when you start to remember your truth, believe in your truth and have that
be more of your operating system, and you see where that takes you.
(05:25):
I feel like that starts to ingrain like, oh, this must be my truth.
Yes. Yeah. And as simple as it sounds, anything that feels uncomfortable to us isn't true. Right.
Anything that is fear-based, negative-based, distaste, shame,
guilt, any of that is coming from the ego.
(05:48):
It's not the truth of the soul because the soul is all love.
So actually every time that we're experiencing a negative feeling,
we're just experiencing something that isn't true.
And we're being asked to look into, well, why do I believe that this is true?
Doing that like dark work and the shadow work.
(06:10):
And when because I want to talk a
little bit about ego death too because I
know that that has kind of become like this you
know poppy phrase that
people use a lot and there's this perception that
an ego death means like a full death of the ego and we're just not going to
(06:30):
experience the ego anymore and that's not true as long as we are alive and on
this planet Our ego is here with us because if you're still on this planet, if you're still alive,
you're still growing and you need the ego for that growth.
And so an ego death is really just shedding another layer of false perceptions. Right.
(06:55):
The shedding another layer of unworthiness, shedding another layer of the notion
that we need to be perfect, whatever that layer is.
An ego death is just another opportunity to be reborn, meaning coming closer to your true self.
(07:15):
And the ego, we don't want it to fully die because since it's part of our physical
body and we talk about the physical body being mortal, our physical body can be injured.
Yep. Our physical body can die.
And the ego mind is here to protect our physical body.
(07:36):
And this is where it gets a little bit confusing because the ego mind is the part of us that,
when you put your hand in the fire and you get burned tells you don't do that
again but then what happens is we experience something like heartbreak and the
ego thinks that it's the same as putting our hand in the fire and getting burned
(07:56):
and we're just like oh I'm going to close off my heart. I'm not going to be
in relationships anymore.
And just really kind of kicks into overdrive when it comes to the emotional side of things.
So that's the layer that we need to work with.
But remembering that we need this ego to help preserve our physical body and
(08:17):
keep us safe because the soul is eternal.
So it's not really worried about the fire. It's not really worried about jumping
off the cliff because your soul is like, I don't die.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. So we need the ego mind here.
The ego mind also really creates our sense of identity as like a separate self.
100%. Because a lot of times it's like, I this, I that, those are all the ego
(08:41):
thoughts that are creating us as like this separate entity, which really,
that's how we kind of operate in the world.
But slowly over time, as we do spiritual development, we can,
like you were saying, we can start to shed these layers and actually come to
a place of our true self, which is actually oneness and love.
(09:02):
But like you're saying, we're still going to have.
A form of the ego operating when we're in our physical body,
because we're in this physical life. Yeah, we're here to grow.
And it's just always seeking out perceived danger.
Because that's, we really need to shift our perspective of the ego.
I think when people say ego, we go straight to kind of egotistical.
(09:27):
And we think of this person with like a really big head and a really big ego.
But at its truest form, the ego is just like the scared child that doesn't want you to get hurt.
And it's trying to figure out every future potential situation that could make
(09:48):
you uncomfortable or touch on those exiled parts.
And it's just trying to stop it from happening. Yeah.
Yeah. And we really are operating a lot of times from the wounded ego.
And this really relates back to episode three, where we talked about internal
family systems and the parts.
(10:08):
So all of our different parts, the anxious part, the stressed part,
the feeling not good enough, that's also a part.
And these are all forms of like the wounded ego who holds onto these stories,
exactly from what you're saying.
Something happens like a heartbreak and we start to create stories about what that means about us.
(10:29):
Like, oh, I must not be lovable for X, Y, Z.
And that's a story that the ego mind is holding onto. And we start operating from that.
And another way that I can relate this is what's called the conditioned mind
versus the the unconditioned mind.
So if you think of a child going through life, they haven't had,
(10:52):
well, obviously different childhoods, but let's picture a child who hasn't had
too much wounding and they are in a place of curiosity, freedom,
lightness, right, and they're exploring the world.
And you can just tell on a child's face where it's like exploratory, lightness, laughter.
Whereas ourselves as adults, we have so many things that have happened that
(11:16):
when something new happens, we actually operate a lot from what's called the conditioned mind.
So something happens and we immediately relate it to things that have happened
in the past and how they made us feel, basically. Yeah.
And we go back to it can trigger so easily these feelings of anxiety,
fear, not good enough, sadness.
(11:36):
And when we're doing that, we're actually living from the conditioned mind and from stories.
Basically, we're not experiencing the world with fresh eyes and basically with
like a blank slate. That wild like wonderment.
That wild like wonder where I need to have children are like, I'm going
to go do this and I'm just going to go try it and let's go
see well they don't even say let's see how it goes because that's like
(11:59):
not even in their vocabulary they're like let's just go
try this and they don't have much conditioning to
like instill fear like what if i fail
at this what are the you know you know the ages where that
starts to kick in but a
very young child yeah around seven yeah so that is the ego mind is very conditioned
(12:19):
and we actually want to practice moving into more of an unconditioned mind and
viewing things with fresh eyes and noticing when a thought comes up and you
can see that it's like, wait a second,
I just jumped to a lot of stories in my mind and a lot of limiting beliefs.
This is the conditioned mind. And I actually want to move into like approaching
(12:42):
this new thing with an unconditioned mind. Yeah. Because we're not our thoughts.
Yeah, exactly. We're not our mind.
And the thing that I like to teach a bit as well in terms of when the ego mind
is becoming conditioned and then we kind of reach a point of,
more of an awareness where as a child
(13:04):
when we experience I always
say that a trauma is like an unresolved conflict and
of course there's the capital t's and they're the small t's but we talked about
some of those like ones that we could perceive as being really small as a child
in the last episode that affect us a lot and it's really an unresolved trauma
and as children we don't have
(13:28):
the mental capacity to understand what is even going on in our own mind and
why we're feeling the way that we're feeling.
If you've ever like a child is having a temper tantrum sometimes and you're
like, what's wrong? And you're like, I don't know.
And you need to like ask them questions to help them figure out,
(13:48):
oh, it's this or it's not this.
Right. So they just don't have the capacity and the ability to process why they're
feeling the way that they're feeling.
Let alone could they look at your mother, your father, your teacher and say,
oh, this is their stuff, right?
If we don't even understand why we're feeling the way we're feeling,
(14:09):
we can't understand why.
Another person's trauma. So that's why from a very young age,
we're internalizing it as being a reflection of ourself.
And we think, well, I, if it's a me problem, then it can be changed through
me changing. Okay. Yeah.
And so that's where it's like, oh, well, if I don't act this way,
(14:31):
because we just don't have the reasoning to understand that,
oh, it's just because my mother was
tired right yeah yeah she's she
was short with me because she was tired yeah and don't have that yeah no because
we're like well I don't even know why I'm upset about her being upset with me
I don't know what the feeling I'm feeling is right now I just know that it doesn't
(14:55):
feel good and I don't want to feel this way again so I just won't act like this
right yep and you start to
create all those stories where it's like, okay, if I'm too loud,
that makes like mom upset or something. So I should just be quiet.
Yeah. And then what's ironic is that as kids, we start to create all these,
well, we take on these wounds and these burdens and we create these stories.
(15:18):
And then the spiritual path is actually to look at these stories and to get
rid of them all again, can basically come back to our truth of love and wholeness
and being enough, inherently worthy.
And some of the funniest times can be like when actually in reality,
it wasn't maybe that your mother always wanted you to be quiet.
(15:40):
It was just like this one day that she was really tired and she just needed you to be quiet.
But a lot of us, and I think especially
millennials and Gen Xers
can relate to the fact that our parents never said sorry to us there was never
coming a coming back and saying I'm sorry that I was short with you it's because
(16:04):
of this right and it's that that created the trauma because that's the unresolved conflict.
Where really these things are going to happen. And I think it's a great expansion
on last week's episode where we talked about mothers.
Yeah. I was just going to say, so you would recommend to moms. Yeah.
Because these things are going to happen. You're going to get short with your
(16:27):
children. You're going to say the wrong thing.
God, I'm so aware of this stuff and I do it to my stepchildren.
Like it's the coming back and resolving that trauma.
It's never too late to go back to your children and say, you know,
how did this make you feel when I said that to you? Or I'm really sorry.
It's not you. I was just tired. Yeah. I was just tired. I know I was short with
(16:51):
you. I was just tired. Yeah.
Yeah. I, I always come back to this funny example of my youngest stepdaughter
calling me out when we were in Disney.
I, we were having such a stressful day with them.
We just wanted to ride this ride again and she was kind of
scared and didn't want to go back on and I started
the bargaining really high and I said I'll give you $50 to ride
(17:13):
this ride again wow I know I probably
could have offered lollipops and she would have said yes but we
come back home the trip was so expensive and
she was asking about the $50 and
I said you know what we spent a lot of money and I
like I bought you these books and I bought you this stuff like we I've spent more
(17:34):
than $50 and she looked at me so innocently
and she said but I didn't ask for any of that stuff whoa yeah
and you're like shoot yeah and it
took me a few days and then I really
had to think I was like she's right like 100% she's right she didn't ask me
for this stuff I chose to give this to her but I also wanted to she's not great
(17:59):
at saving money or knowing the value of money so So I also wanted to instill
a little bit of like learning in it as well.
So, you know, I came back to her a couple of days later and I brought it up
and I said, you know, you were right.
And she was like, well, what about all of the things that you said that you did?
And I was like, but you were right. Like you didn't ask for that. And she was like, I know.
(18:22):
And I was like, so I'm going to give you the $50. I said, but we're going to
give it to dad and he's going to put it in your bank account so you can save it.
Yep. And she was good with that. but it's going back and saying like,
yeah, you're right. And just because I'm an adult doesn't mean that I'm perfect
or I don't make mistakes.
(18:44):
Because this is where a lot of the ego externalizing our worth is,
is because our parents or our teachers never really admitted their faults.
We grow up thinking that there's always somebody more superior and having more
answers than us and not trusting what we're innately feeling is right or wrong.
(19:06):
I also thought it was funny when we were saying, when we were giving an example
of what you could say to your child, I also thought this applies to all relationships.
100%. Yeah. I was like, this isn't just for children. This would be a great
way to say to someone, sorry, I was short with you.
I'm just tired. Or sorry, I reacted this way.
(19:28):
And give of the reason and a more vulnerable reason as well. Yeah.
Vulnerability is really an open communication, right?
Being vulnerable enough to have those conversations is really what's going to
help you dissolve these traumas and fears because a lot of times,
(19:49):
and I know that there's like there's right people and there's wrong people to
put yourself in the energy of,
but a lot of of times if you're with the right people who really care
about you and have your best interests that's heart when you
have these conversations they're going to work out in your favor right and it's
just a story that they won't accept us or they won't love us and it's so powerful
(20:13):
when you actually witness that none of that's true I would also like to add there though that if.
If they don't accept you when you have these conversations, it can also be an
indicator that you're not in relationships that are actually aligned with you
that are safe emotionally for you.
(20:34):
Yeah. So I do like to give because I don't think for everyone it will be. No. Yeah.
Definitely not of the person appreciating your vulnerability.
Yeah. Yeah. And you really have to be
kind of committed to this path when we
look at people who have cultivated peace in
(20:54):
their life and set boundaries and we're looking directly at
the outcome we don't see the cost of
them obtaining that peace and having
the hard conversations that didn't go the way that they
maybe would have wanted that to and friendships falling out and having to be
in this kind of uncomfortable comfortable purgatory void where you really have
(21:18):
to remind and reparent yourself that their reaction to me is not a reflection
of my worth. Absolutely.
Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So there's three things I have that also like problems
operating from the ego as an adult.
Yeah. Let's hear it. Yeah. So number one, the ego mind loves to complain.
(21:42):
And I always say on retreats
and to clients that the ego mind likes to look at
what's wrong in every situation and it
likes to sit in the complaining there's nothing
wrong with noticing what's wrong in a situation or what doesn't feel aligned
with you but it becomes a problem when we stay stuck there yeah it just likes
(22:05):
to talk to talk it loves to just and it repeats like the the same story and
the same complaints over and over and over again.
And that is creating a big state of stress within your body if you're always
just looking at what's wrong and complaining about it.
And I always tell clients that you basically have four options when something is... Four?
(22:26):
Like, I like this. This is a lot of options.
Exactly, right? You actually have a lot of options.
Okay, when you see something that you're complaining about that you don't like,
Okay, the four options are number one, you could radically accept it exactly
as it is, which just means it's saying,
(22:47):
okay, say you're in healthcare, because that's the example that I'm using, right?
But so many jobs are stressful. So say you have stress at your job.
Many jobs are inherently stressful.
It's just the environments that we've created, right? And how society is functioning right now.
So number one, and if you're, this is basically if you're you're not going to
(23:08):
do any of the other three.
But it's still very useful. Yes.
One, radically accept it and just come almost to like black and white.
Like this is when black and white thinking actually makes sense where it's like,
oh, I work in healthcare and this is stressful.
It is what it is. It is what it is. So radical acceptance.
Number two is that you could actually contribute to a solution.
(23:32):
So back in, I think it was last episode where I said when a critical incident
happened, I emailed my manager with a list of changes that we could potentially do.
He did not acknowledge it, right? So I tried to contribute to a solution,
but it didn't really go anywhere.
So that's number two. You could say, oh, this is what's wrong in this situation.
(23:54):
I could try to work on solution.
That's actually using yourself yourself in a much more effective way.
Number three, you could actually call in a solution.
Like asking like your guides. Your guides. Yeah. God, spirit, source.
You could, and this is through like manifestation, co-creation,
(24:15):
or even just aligning to your true essence.
If you start to focus on the things you actually desire, and I always say to
people, okay, here's the problem. lump, what's the desire then, right?
If you're stressed, your desire is actually greater harmony,
greater peace, solutions to challenges.
So why don't you go into meditation and actually spend some time calling these
(24:38):
things in and saying something like, thank you for healing.
That was when I was really struggling with grief after my brother passed away.
I sat every day and said, thank you for healing. Thank you for healing.
And I visualized healing energy coming into me.
And then all these healing experiences came
to me right with the caveat
(25:00):
there that if you're asking you know for a
solution with your job it might be that your job gets removed
so that's number four okay love it option four is leave yes yeah so radically
accept contribute to the solution
call in a solution or leave yeah and basically that is the that's the,
(25:25):
point I got to with healthcare. That's also the point that I've gotten to in
different relationships as well. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Relationships for sure. And I actually tried. I remember one of the relationships
I was in, I went through almost like multiple of these stages where I'm like,
okay, I'm just going to practice radically accepting this.
(25:46):
And then I was like, no, this is still like feeling unaligned,
you know? Then I tried to to actually like create solutions.
But sometimes you can get kickback from your loved ones when you're the one
trying to like help them, right? Yeah, they don't want to be fixed. Yeah.
So then I tried calling in solutions, which actually worked and interesting
things came, but still things were not feeling quite aligned.
(26:08):
I tried this over a period of about six months. And then still at the end of
the six months, I was getting a gut nudge as to like, no, this just isn't right.
Right. So then I resorted to number four. Yeah.
That's so powerful because I honestly feel like these four steps or options,
whatever you want to call it, is kind of a roadmap to not having regret at the
(26:33):
end of the day. Absolutely.
Yes. I love that because I feel very good with a lot of my decisions because I'm like,
no, I literally like tried a lot of
different things yeah and it's so
I think powerful to know that
it you know because I'm kind of visualizing these
as being like four doors and it's like if each of those doors like slams in
(26:57):
your face yeah then you know that you've done everything that you can because
if you know if God is closing a door over here and again when we say God it's
like God universe source,
consciousness whatever resonates with you but if a
door is closing over here then a door is opening somewhere else yes
(27:18):
and we just need to change focus and that's another
great thing is like when we're complaining about something yeah it doesn't make
sense to stay in that state you might as well try these four different doors
because exactly what you're saying the thing that you're complaining about and
the thing that isn't feeling aligned with you the universe could be be saying,
yeah, that's because it's not meant for you.
(27:42):
We're trying to show you that over here is actually the path that's aligned to your soul.
Yeah. Yeah. But so many of us just stay stuck in like the complaining and looking
at what's wrong and just staying there.
And I think a good point, you know, for anybody who's listening to this and
can relate it to something that they're going
(28:04):
through in their life right now to go into that IFS work and find what the wound
is that's keeping you staying in this state of suffering.
Because a lot of times there's this belief that nobody else will love me.
So that goes into number two, stories. Amazing. Problems when we operate from
(28:28):
the ego mind. Stories. Here we go.
Yeah. A lot of times there really is a story that, and I do it myself as well.
It's like there's this root wound over here and we make all these excuses about it. Yeah.
And I think we're all guilty of it. It's like, oh, well, it's because the money
and it's not a good time and I need to pay my rent and I need.
(28:50):
Yeah. And really all of that is just trying to protect you from,
oh, I don't believe I'm good enough to get a higher paying job or a better relationship.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So that was the second one is the stories,
which is the conditioned mind basically.
And we stay in, yeah, a lot of times we stay in these situations based on fears,
(29:12):
limiting beliefs, stories that we've created.
Yeah. And what I love to ask clients to help get out of that story,
basically, to let that story go, is I ask them, and this is inspired by the work of Byron Katie.
She asks, can you know that this thought is 100% true?
(29:33):
Yeah. Can you know that this little story that you're creating in your mind,
can you know it to be 100% true?
Yeah, no. No, yeah. Like, your mind's usually like, no.
And then we ask, okay, if that's a no, then why are you like choosing that as
your story to believe in?
(29:55):
Another question that I like to ask people that's maybe a little bit more harsh
is how well is that working out for you? Right.
Yeah. That's another way of framing it. Yeah.
Like how well is being committed to telling this story working out for you? Yes.
(30:15):
And might be a good time to talk about actually how the ego mind likes to keep
us in our victimhood. Absolutely.
And if you look into the victim triangle, if anybody who's listening is familiar
with it, the victim triangle has three roles.
So we're either the victim, we're the hero, or we're the bully,
(30:37):
or we're putting somebody else in the role of being the bully or the victim. Interesting.
And every time that we are in any of these roles, we're in the victim triangle.
Angle and so a lot of
the times it's harder to recognize with
like when you're trying to be the hero right that
(30:57):
actually even you trying to be the hero is a
perception that there's no control or
that it's all on you and you have to figure it
all out yes and again those are all stories
that are just keeping us in this victimhood and like
we talked about i can't remember what episode
(31:18):
but nothing is ever going
wrong and our ego
mind is like we talked about always focused on the
things that are going wrong the things that were going wrong and that's
just a perception because we haven't reached the outcome yet and it's that seeing
is believing so it's like well all i see right now is that my life is shit yeah
(31:41):
but if you can just kind of zoom out of that and And take yourself out of that
victim triangle and just pretend for a moment that like, well,
what if this is bringing me to something better?
And so what I mean by this is when we're experiencing the darkness and the hard
times, it's really easy to perceive that we're just experiencing darkness and
(32:04):
that's all we're focused on.
But I really like to think about it as if we are a seed being planted in the soil right now.
And that darkness is actually just the foundation that we need to be watered, to grow our roots.
And that there will be a day that we emerge from that soil and we're a beautiful flower.
(32:25):
But if we go and we tear out the crops before it's too soon because we think,
oh, it's not working. Mm-hmm.
All the ego thoughts, all the stories, like, I'm not good enough.
This must not be working.
Yeah. When really we just need to surrender to the divine timing of it and know
that the dark times are just us being planted and will bloom again.
(32:48):
Exactly. And everything I always like to remind people to and remind myself
that if things were meant to be different right now, they would be different. Yeah.
Sorry, it just makes me laugh so much. The simple truths are the bangers.
But you have everything you need right now for the soul growth that you're working on.
(33:14):
Yes. And ironically, when we say something like this, this, this is bad in my
life and I I wish it was like this.
That's actually the thinking that you need to work on.
Yeah. But a lot of times we have that focus on the outcome.
(33:35):
And we think, well, I'll be happier when this is over, or I'll be happier when I have the money.
I'll be happier when I have the job. I'll be happier when I have the relationship.
And I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about our externalizing our
worth on these things. Yeah, definitely.
So the ego is kind of tricky here, or basically the reality of it is kind of
(34:00):
two sides to the same coin, where both things can be true.
It's that and statement, right? I don't want to say that you won't experience
levels of greater happiness when you reach certain places,
because I think it's so valuable to be following a path that actually feels
(34:22):
aligned to your soul and following what feels true to you,
taking risks, trying things.
Leaving relationships finding relationships that
feel more aligned with us you can experience more
happiness on the other side but the ego can have also have this pattern of always
(34:44):
thinking that like when i reach this when i reach that and the mind is conditioned
and it thinks in patterns,
so and it resorts to the most common patterns right
that you think in so if you are sitting here thinking I'll
be happier when xyz happens once you reach that place if you have that pattern
(35:08):
of thought it's going to continue once you reach that so then it's going to
be the next thing you're going to be striving basically for the next thing or
seeking out and basically if you.
If you don't feel whole and fulfilled where you are right now,
the key is to feel, come back to our truth, which is wholeness and love,
(35:30):
no matter your external circumstances.
Because if you don't feel whole and that you are love in the now,
again, that pattern's going to continue.
So even when you reach those things, if you don't have this feeling of like
inherent worthiness, inherent love, you're most likely going to be in a very similar spot.
(35:52):
Yes, you could have changed the external, but you could still feel empty and
like something's missing because you're not actually really addressing the root there.
The root is that you have this ego thought pattern of not being enough,
that something's wrong with you.
You don't feel whole. You don't feel love. And that's the pattern of the mind
(36:14):
that's actually going to continue. you. Yeah.
And we talked about how happiness is a choice and there's always moments of
happiness that are available to you.
And what you just said makes me think about back in 2020 when I changed careers.
I left my relationship and my mom's health was rapidly declining.
(36:38):
And I recognized that because it was such a painful period that I have this
pattern of wishing time away until I'm at this more peaceful place or when this is over.
And so in this moment with this circumstance of my mother's health declining,
I realized that if I wish this time away, if I wish this painful experience
(37:03):
away, I'm actually wishing for a moment when she isn't here anymore.
And when I realized that, I made this conscious choice to be really present
with all of the emotions and the things that were happening and be with the
growth and be with the feelings.
And as hard as a time as that was,
(37:25):
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, there were a lot of
moments where my coffee tasted better and my showers were more enjoyable and
the music sounded better and the birds were chirping because I was so present
with this period of time because I didn't want to miss out on or regret a moment of this year.
(37:47):
And then there was this different kind of layer of grief to move through because
my life really opened up on the other side of her passing.
That's when I met my partner. That's when I built my business.
That's when I met you and a lot
(38:08):
of people who became like my family and my foundation and community now.
And it's not because she isn't here. It's just the way that it was planned and set out for me.
And so sometimes even when we get to the things that do inherently bring us
joy, Like my business brings me joy. My relationship brings me joy.
(38:29):
There still are emotions to move through.
So it really is just a perception and almost like a fear of being with our feelings
in the now that keeps bringing us to this future place of it'll be better when it'll be better when.
I also think a lot of people can resonate with that in terms of allowing yourself
(38:51):
to feel happiness after someone has passed.
I think that can be an ego story that a lot of people struggle with.
100%. A lot of my clients who have recently experienced a loss really struggle
with allowing themselves to be happy.
And how did you move through that or how do you move through that?
(39:14):
It feels like such a loaded question because there
still are moments where it comes up like
with my wedding coming up it's this feeling of like I
know that she is so proud of me and so happy for me but also she's not here
and it's this it's like trying to fit a square into a circle when you're like
(39:34):
why can't I just have these two things like why can't she be here and experience Yeah.
But it's really tuning back into the love.
I always say that grief is like this process of love transitioning.
It's like love and transition.
(39:56):
So before I had my mother's physical body here to love and to communicate love
with her, and that grief really felt heavy because it was just all this love with no place to go.
And so when I recognized that, that's when I started just shifting my relationship
with grief is not looking at it as being like a negative thing and a loss,
(40:19):
but all this love that was left behind.
And for me, I actually feel like because that love was so great that I couldn't
put it all into one person.
So God brought me, you know my
my husband and my stepchildren and this
community to pour that love into that's an amazing perspective yeah
so that's the perspective that worked for me was
(40:43):
actually just realizing that it's all this love that
I have to give to people yeah I
also think like with my brother passed I
like to think he it would make him the happiest
to see me happy 100% yeah
yeah that's that's all they
want from us and there's
(41:06):
always this you know we're sad because
they're not here when really like we're the ones who
are left behind and suffering and they're
fine on the other side they're so
happy and we have these cheerleaders and you
know my husband also lost his mom and we
always say that it was the two of them who brought us
(41:29):
together so it really is
just finding these little ways to incorporate
them into your life because they're not gone they're still here even like I
shared with you after our last podcast when you were talking And I almost started
crying because I could feel Greg's presence in the room saying how proud he was of you.
(41:52):
Like, they just become our biggest cheerleaders. And if we can remember that,
it doesn't take away the pain fully.
Yeah. But it definitely helps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And when you mentioned talking about how you started to experience,
you didn't want to wish away the time.
So you woke up almost to the good that was in front of you with your coffee
(42:17):
tasting better and the showers feeling better.
And that is what my experience with like connecting it back to the ego mind.
That's been my experience deeply this year with I've
been using that practice of catching the stories
of the ego mind because if you notice in your
everyday life how many times we're stuck in stories
(42:40):
if you start to pay attention to this you will notice that pretty much when
you are doing any other activity washing the dishes taking showers we're just
caught up in a story it's like paying attention to how often you blink exactly
yeah so i've been starting to really
notice this and asking that question as to, can I know this to be a hundred percent true?
(43:04):
And when I asked myself that the answer is no.
And then you ask yourself, well, who would I be without this thought?
And the answer to that is you just are, I am, you are being.
And then I come back to that and I'm like, oh, okay, well, I'll just drink my
coffee then and like truly just experience my coffee and I'll look at the window.
(43:29):
And yeah, it goes back to like not focusing on all the problems.
And that leads into the problems when we're operating from the ego.
The other thing that we tend to do is we are analyzing and trying to figure things out.
Yeah. Non-stop. Non-stop.
Yeah. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. What is the solution?
(43:54):
And it's so much mental energy where it's almost kind of comical too if you
think about the fact that like you talked about the mind that's trying to figure
out isn't the mind that's gonna come up with the most,
How do you say it? Yeah. So I always say this to clients is that the mind that's
trying to figure it out is not going to be the mind that brings the highest
(44:16):
solution or basically the solution, the least resistant solution,
the solution that's actually authentic to you and your path and pretty much
the best solution, I like to say as well.
Yeah, because the only proof that the mind has is from the past.
Yeah. And the past brought you here.
(44:37):
Exactly. So if you don't want to be here anyway, you can't keep thinking from
the same mind. Yeah, you have to find a new way of thinking.
And I always say, like, just practice listening to your soul.
Like, if you have to make a decision anyway, there's never, never,
ever a way of knowing what is right or wrong definitively. Yeah.
(45:00):
And if you make a decision and you decide that you want to change your mind, you can.
Hand so why not try listening to the soul and so the soul is the quiet voice
right and it's the voice that speaks first so a lot of times when you're in the shower.
Or in a car ride meditation are the
(45:24):
moments where you can hear your soul speaking it's just like this little pull
or a realization a thought that pops into your mind and it's the ego that comes
in after that which is very loud
yeah and full of doubt and fear and attaching all these stories to it.
But it's like, hey, well, if working out of this mind isn't working out anyway.
(45:50):
Why not just give this soul nudge a try and see what happens?
Yeah, that goes back to, I think it was either episode one or two where I talk
about that three month experiment where it's like, what if you tried thinking or using your mind?
I don't even like to say that it's thinking.
I like to say it's like a shift in how you're actually using the mind And it's
(46:11):
what you're focusing your attention on.
That's what a lot of my practices involve.
But what if you tried to do this for three months and see where that gets you?
You yeah yeah and that was my experience
with my own when intuitive
messages started to come through for me
the first experience was when I was meditating because I joined that meditation
(46:34):
course when I was 22 and I started getting little nudges as to what path I might
actually want to take and then the first time I was or the first time I had
my ideas about business was actually on the back of a jet ski.
That's fun. I know it is a fun place, right?
And it's because I was on these hour long rides on the back and I was staring out at the horizon.
(46:58):
And that would be, we talked about this in episode, I think too,
where we talked about calming the brainwaves and making them,
shifting your mind into more of a relaxed state.
And so that's what was happening when I was on the back of the jet ski.
And then I had these ideas.
You want to start your own business. And I was in nursing school at the time. And I'm like, what?
(47:19):
Yeah. And they would not go away, these little messages. And like you were saying,
they were little whispers.
But of course, after the little whispers came, all these limiting beliefs and fears.
And it's like, well, this doesn't make sense. You're in nursing school.
You're obviously going to go and become a nurse, right?
But time went on. money for school money yes yes so I kind of bargained with
(47:42):
the messages I'm like okay well I'm still going to be a nurse and I'm happy
that I went into nursing but I made sure I was still listening to the nudges
because they weren't going away so I started to follow them and,
what I tell everyone is that you want to start following them and then seeing
where that basically gets you.
And that's how you collect data about if you can basically trust the messages.
(48:08):
Your inner nudges, the messages of your soul.
And for me, it's been a huge yes that you can trust the nudges of your soul.
And it's happened to me with following more purposeful work.
It's really also happened to me in relationships where I
was getting a gut nudge that something was not aligned with
me and I wanted to ignore those gut nudges right but
(48:30):
I they kept coming up so I'm
like okay let's listen and then I'm just so glad that
I actually removed myself from that misaligned relationship
because so many other great things in my
life have come together since leaving relationships
that were not aligned to me yeah and because
the ego mind is that seeing is believing
(48:51):
yeah it's so powerful to
say like okay well like let's
just see then and when it
does work out now you have this information to satisfy the ego mind yes and
the i think the quickest way to reprogram or like you call uncondition the mind
(49:14):
is through the doing yes because we could sit
there and talk about it and come up with all the things and meditate and get the nudges.
But until you actually take action to see the results.
It's just nothing. Shit or get off the pot.
Sound like my mom. Right? You didn't say she said that. Oh, she said that all the time.
(49:39):
Yeah, it made me think of that. It popped in my head, right? Yeah. But it's true.
And I mean, that kind of like, you know, ties into the earlier conversation
is it's actually those little things like remembering the things that they would
say that keep them alive for you. Yeah, definitely.
Yes that was a beautiful authentic yeah weird eh
(50:02):
oh my gosh that's so cool yeah so
how would you what would be your tips your
recommendations for tuning into the soul hearing those inner nudges hearing
the messages of the soul i always encourage people to take a moment to really
see where they're at in terms of basically how much of a monkey mind you have.
(50:29):
Because for me, I was a really busy person. I loved multitasking.
I was always go, go, go.
And so again, as somebody who was like an intuitive child and was interested
in this since I was a child, I really blocked myself off from it just through
the busyness of my mind and those messages not being able to come through.
(50:52):
But just starting by sitting in meditation was too much of an extreme for me.
I think a lot of people could relate to that. Yeah. So I actually tend to recommend
if you aren't at the stage of being comfortable with meditation yet,
let's just move from multitasking into single tasking.
And I do this really fun, silly little exercise where you're going to set a
(51:17):
timer, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and you're going to write out the alphabet.
And first time you're going to go 1A, 2B, 3C, all the way to Z.
And then you're going to stop that timer. You're going to see how long it took you.
Then you're going to set another timer, except this time you're going to complete the alphabet A to Z.
(51:39):
And you're going to complete the number sequence beneath it and see which one is faster.
Because our brain isn't actually capable of multitasking.
Because every time we pick up another thought pattern, we end the first thought
pattern, and then we have to pick it back up again.
So when you start to implement single tasking and seeing that you're getting
(52:04):
the same amount done, if not more in a day faster.
It is just really powerful for slowing those brainwaves because now we're not
always interrupting the sequence.
Yeah. I was just going to say when you're not multitasking and thinking always
about the next thing, you're slowing the brainwaves. Yeah.
So that's a really good way to start by slowing the brainwaves because now when I'm single tasking,
(52:30):
maybe when I'm making breakfast for my kids and I'm no longer thinking about
the laundry and the dishes and cutting the grass,
there's actually some things dropping in
yes and i think we multitask because we have
i think it's fear-based thinking again that we're gonna like forget yeah
to do these things yeah when it's actually the multitasking
that creates the forgetting right because you can't think of more than one thought
(52:54):
at once so start with single tasking that will slow the brain wave that now
if you're just cooking breakfast for your family and that's all you're doing
you might start to notice these messages dropping in.
And then that's a really good time to progress to actually sitting down and
meditating for five minutes, 10 minutes, 15.
(53:17):
I always say you want to kind of stretch that edge of your comfort zone.
So if five minutes is too easy, then stretch it to 10. Easy.
And just have a notebook and just notice when your mind is silent,
what's kind of dropping in what nudges
and record it all and then it's
(53:38):
really kind of journaling and recording and collecting data like i talked about
like you talked about so if you get this nudge just practice following through
on it taking action taking action on it and then go back and record what the outcome was.
And the more that we do that, the more we strengthen this muscle of listening
(54:03):
to our soul and trusting it.
And this is what I teach all of my clients is just start here.
And then we're going to slowly kind of push the meter because what's really
happening too is our nervous system isn't feeling safe to relax yeah,
(54:26):
And if we try to just rush it into relaxation, it's going to make it feel even more unsafe.
Yep. And we're going to fire up that fight or flight response even more and
then feel like we're failing.
And now we've just validated one of these stories.
So it's really a soft approach and just knowing that it's the absence of thinking
(54:48):
that helps your soul speak.
So really, you don't have to do anything. You have to practice not doing. Not doing.
Which is so simple in concept, but it's so difficult in the true application of it. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah. I would say for myself, there's so many skills and practices that
(55:10):
can help you move from ego mind to more soul-based intuitive nudges.
I think for me, one of the big practices was at the beginning of the episode,
I talked about instead of focusing on the problem, focus on what you want to call in.
What I love about this as well is it takes the pressure off of finding an answer right away.
(55:35):
Because what you were saying is sometimes our nervous systems,
we, many of us have such self-critical minds that when we try to meditate or
when we try to tune in to our intuition right away, the ego mind like pops in
and it's like, we're doing this wrong.
Like, I can't hear like, what's the message?
(55:55):
So what I love to do is if I'm experiencing stress, let's give stress for an example.
If I'm experiencing stress, I ask myself, okay, what is it that I actually desire?
Peace, greater peace, right? Or maybe a solution to XYZ.
And I focus on calling that in. So just say, thank you for peace.
(56:15):
And you could even visualize like like a stream of peaceful energy coming into your body.
And then what I find is that when you focus that the universe can start sending
you the things that can actually bring you peace. Yeah.
Or you can have these spontaneous insights and thoughts just drop in as to what
(56:36):
can lead you to greater peace.
And that like takes the pressure off exactly what you're saying.
Like we don't need to go searching for the answer the
searching is the ego yeah we just need to allow yeah
yeah so that's a great way to say my only role is to like just call in what
i want or to just focus on this healing energy coming in i don't need to find
(56:56):
the answer that's not my role a lot of my clients love i just had a call with
them a few nights ago and they absolutely loved this line it's not my role.
So finding the answer, finding the message of your soul, that's not your role. It's not the finding.
You just need to, easier said than done, relax and allow it to kind of come through.
(57:22):
But ask yourself, how can I experience that initial state of relaxation?
And it's different for every person and different people will be drawn to different modalities.
For some people, it's yoga, right? They can go to a yoga class and that helps
calm down their ego mind and helps them. It creates that slower brain state.
And then you can have insights pop in with yoga.
(57:42):
Another great one is journaling, like you said. And journal prompts.
Actually, we do this on retreats where I give out journal prompts and I say,
don't read them. Cover them up.
Read the question and what comes out right away.
Because that's your soul speaking. That is your intuition speaking.
(58:02):
The first thing that comes to you. Yeah.
And that's what I use as like automatic writing.
Yeah. Right. So like after that meditation, when you're at that point, then put pen to paper.
But it's when you're trying to, I always make a joke with like my mediumship
students, my surrender students.
(58:24):
It's funny to think that it's something that we can teach. Yeah.
Right. We just kind of provide a framework.
We show them the modalities, the choices, the options that they have.
And really, they all do the same thing.
But intuitively, what feels right to you?
What works for you? So we can't really teach that it's like this one thing.
(58:49):
Exactly but to kind of extrapolate a
formula it is always coming down to
what is going to bring you into that
slower brainwave absolutely yep
yeah what can you use to get you there
that feels safe because even
practicing yoga it's like it's single tasking because you have if you're not
(59:14):
paying attention to where your limbs are on that mat you're falling over another
one's breath work right yeah a lot of people when they do breath work they come
out with so many insights.
Of their soul speaking yeah because they're just
focusing on the breath yep so really i
make sure i say yeah i make sure to say to them you don't
(59:36):
actually need to do anything you don't need to make anything happen just
like follow this breathing pattern again sometimes easier said than done but
you don't need to a lot of people when things aren't coming in immediately the
ego mind can again kick in and say what am i doing wrong yeah but you don't
have to do anything just Just do the breath,
(59:56):
surrender, and then see what comes.
And look at that as being a beautiful opportunity in that moment to reprogram
the ego mind into reminding it that nothing's going wrong. Nothing's going wrong.
Me recognizing that is something going wrong is a pattern of my mind is actually it working.
(01:00:18):
And if it was meant to be different, it would be different. Yeah.
Yeah. So to really say that anything is right or wrong, we can't.
We just hold space and show them the perspectives and how our mind works.
Yeah. By holding onto that thought, something is wrong, that's a wounded part of yourself.
(01:00:41):
Like that is a belief system in itself.
And that's actually what's probably causing a lot lot
of suffering in your life which is ironic
because it thinks it's doing something
helpful it's like well something's wrong
or things should be this way but that's actually what's causing your current
(01:01:02):
state of like reality because again you're sitting in that state of consciousness
of something is wrong or waiting for the other shoe to drop if something isn't wrong yeah Yeah.
So hopefully our listeners can relate to some of these things and start to notice
it in their life because healing is really just having the awareness and shifting
(01:01:26):
the periods of time that we're in suffering and we're in the ego mind.
That's the way that I look at it is how much can I condense the amount of time
that I'm sitting in my stories. Exactly.
And I do recommend to people that whatever skill or practice resonates with
you, you do want to try to commit to it for a period of time,
(01:01:48):
because that's really where you will see the shifts.
Yeah so whatever resonates with you is great
your choice but really like say okay
i'm going to commit to catching my stories for this amount of time i'm going
to commit to a meditation program for this amount of time yeah a breathwork
program a mediumship program because you need to have this extended period of
(01:02:10):
practice to shift your experiences and collect that data yeah and not Not like one week either,
like 40 days and onward. I like to say three months. Yeah.
Yeah. At least, I always say seven weeks at least. Yeah.
It's kind of that minimum because our brain, for whatever reason, works with sevens.
(01:02:32):
We need to see things seven times. It's actually why phone numbers are seven digits.
There's something about the number seven and how our mind works.
Yep. That typically past that seven weeks is when we actually start to create
the habits and it's starting to be ingrained in us.
That's more digestible, seven weeks. Yeah. Aim for seven weeks and then if that's
(01:02:53):
going well. Yeah. The longer the better always.
But at least seven weeks, like if you can persevere through that,
things will probably shift and get easier for you.
Yeah yeah perfect thank you everyone for tuning in to episode four and we will
see you in episode five yes and as always there will be links to our resources
(01:03:17):
if you're looking to work with the ego mind through retreats or courses in our bio.
Music.
Welcome to the Naked Soul podcast where we dissolve the barriers between spirituality
and the human experience.
Here we embrace the full spectrum of your journey, celebrating the highs and
the lows, the glimmers and the triggers.
Our mission is to dive deep into the candid conversations that everyone thinks
about but few talk about, breaking the silence and removing the stigma around
(00:23):
the complexities of being human.
Whether you're on a healing journey, an entrepreneurial path or anywhere in between.
If you're ready to shatter the notions of spirituality being all love and light
and embrace radical honesty and acceptance of your soul's journey here,
let's strip away the layers and let's get naked.
Welcome back everyone to episode four of the Naked Soul podcast.
(00:46):
Today we are exploring the ego mind and ego mind is really associated with fear-based thinking.
That's usually how it's best known for.
So if you struggle with anything like negative thinking,
stress, overwhelm, feelings of not good enough, sadness,
we're going to explore where this comes from,
(01:08):
so where the ego mind originates, what it is, and then we're also going to talk
about how to shift from ego-based thinking to thinking that's more coming from
our our soul, our intuition,
and our higher self.
So we're going to start with Lori, what would you define the ego mind as?
(01:29):
Yeah, I'm just like, first of all, so excited for this episode.
Yeah, me too. Because we both talk about the ego mind and like similar in different
ways that I think really help people get like a full understanding of what it is.
So the ego mind for me is...
I always look at things from a mind-body-soul experiencing life in the physical body lens.
(01:54):
Right. So the soul, as we've touched on, is the eternal part.
It's the true self, the higher self, the intuitive part of us.
And we are experiencing life in a physical body. And the physical body is mortal.
And it's really focused on, like we touched on, that sight as being the most dominant sense.
(02:17):
So we believe what we see we
believe all of our experiences and when
we're looking at this lens of duality the soul is the loving part and the ego
mind is the non-loving counterpart to the soul okay so the soul is here to grow
(02:37):
that growth comes from learning lessons lessons present themselves as challenges.
And so the ego mind is actually here to seek out the negativity and to bring
forward the non-loving emotions that our soul is meant to overcome. Right. Yeah.
(02:58):
Because if we didn't have this kind of counterpart of us, like we have the darkness
and the light and the yin and the yang, if we didn't have the ego mind,
we wouldn't be having experiences that create discomfort,
that create difficulty to give us that opportunity to move back into love,
like we've talked about in previous episodes.
(03:20):
Yeah. And I think that's an amazing point to start on because that answers the
question as to like, are we meant to have an ego mind?
And like, basically, why do we have this ego mind that causes so much suffering?
Like some Some people have a view of it as almost being like a glitch in the
universe as to like, why do we have this ego mind that's so negative?
(03:43):
Why is our mind programmed to thinking like most often negatively?
Yeah. But it's actually meant to be there because that's the way that your soul
is experiencing growth. Yes.
And I always, like we talked about how there's 50% loving emotions on this planet
and there's 50% non-loving, we are literally hardwired and programmed to focus on the negative.
(04:11):
Right. Because, and I like to use the analogy of working out at a gym.
It's the picking up and the putting down of the weights and the flexing it that
builds that muscle, right? So it's,
Seeing the negative and moving back to the positive, that's flexing that muscle,
meaning that we're growing.
(04:33):
And we just couldn't have that experience if we didn't have this part of us
that was so dead set on seeing the negative in everything first.
Right. And I feel like another way of viewing it is we're on a journey of knowing
our true selves as like love,
but in order to like, we have to be presented these challenges and we have to
(04:59):
be overcoming negative thinking in order for us and have all these experiences
where we're like, okay, no,
the negative thinking doesn't actually get me to where I want to go.
So my truth is actually the opposite.
And when you start to remember your truth, believe in your truth and have that
be more of your operating system, and you see where that takes you.
(05:25):
I feel like that starts to ingrain like, oh, this must be my truth.
Yes. Yeah. And as simple as it sounds, anything that feels uncomfortable to us isn't true. Right.
Anything that is fear-based, negative-based, distaste, shame,
guilt, any of that is coming from the ego.
(05:48):
It's not the truth of the soul because the soul is all love.
So actually every time that we're experiencing a negative feeling,
we're just experiencing something that isn't true.
And we're being asked to look into, well, why do I believe that this is true?
Doing that like dark work and the shadow work.
(06:10):
And when because I want to talk a
little bit about ego death too because I
know that that has kind of become like this you
know poppy phrase that
people use a lot and there's this perception that
an ego death means like a full death of the ego and we're just not going to
(06:30):
experience the ego anymore and that's not true as long as we are alive and on
this planet Our ego is here with us because if you're still on this planet, if you're still alive,
you're still growing and you need the ego for that growth.
And so an ego death is really just shedding another layer of false perceptions. Right.
(06:55):
The shedding another layer of unworthiness, shedding another layer of the notion
that we need to be perfect, whatever that layer is.
An ego death is just another opportunity to be reborn, meaning coming closer to your true self.
(07:15):
And the ego, we don't want it to fully die because since it's part of our physical
body and we talk about the physical body being mortal, our physical body can be injured.
Yep. Our physical body can die.
And the ego mind is here to protect our physical body.
(07:36):
And this is where it gets a little bit confusing because the ego mind is the part of us that,
when you put your hand in the fire and you get burned tells you don't do that
again but then what happens is we experience something like heartbreak and the
ego thinks that it's the same as putting our hand in the fire and getting burned
(07:56):
and we're just like oh I'm going to close off my heart. I'm not going to be
in relationships anymore.
And just really kind of kicks into overdrive when it comes to the emotional side of things.
So that's the layer that we need to work with.
But remembering that we need this ego to help preserve our physical body and
(08:17):
keep us safe because the soul is eternal.
So it's not really worried about the fire. It's not really worried about jumping
off the cliff because your soul is like, I don't die.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. So we need the ego mind here.
The ego mind also really creates our sense of identity as like a separate self.
100%. Because a lot of times it's like, I this, I that, those are all the ego
(08:41):
thoughts that are creating us as like this separate entity, which really,
that's how we kind of operate in the world.
But slowly over time, as we do spiritual development, we can,
like you were saying, we can start to shed these layers and actually come to
a place of our true self, which is actually oneness and love.
(09:02):
But like you're saying, we're still going to have.
A form of the ego operating when we're in our physical body,
because we're in this physical life. Yeah, we're here to grow.
And it's just always seeking out perceived danger.
Because that's, we really need to shift our perspective of the ego.
I think when people say ego, we go straight to kind of egotistical.
(09:27):
And we think of this person with like a really big head and a really big ego.
But at its truest form, the ego is just like the scared child that doesn't want you to get hurt.
And it's trying to figure out every future potential situation that could make
(09:48):
you uncomfortable or touch on those exiled parts.
And it's just trying to stop it from happening. Yeah.
Yeah. And we really are operating a lot of times from the wounded ego.
And this really relates back to episode three, where we talked about internal
family systems and the parts.
(10:08):
So all of our different parts, the anxious part, the stressed part,
the feeling not good enough, that's also a part.
And these are all forms of like the wounded ego who holds onto these stories,
exactly from what you're saying.
Something happens like a heartbreak and we start to create stories about what that means about us.
(10:29):
Like, oh, I must not be lovable for X, Y, Z.
And that's a story that the ego mind is holding onto. And we start operating from that.
And another way that I can relate this is what's called the conditioned mind
versus the the unconditioned mind.
So if you think of a child going through life, they haven't had,
(10:52):
well, obviously different childhoods, but let's picture a child who hasn't had
too much wounding and they are in a place of curiosity, freedom,
lightness, right, and they're exploring the world.
And you can just tell on a child's face where it's like exploratory, lightness, laughter.
Whereas ourselves as adults, we have so many things that have happened that
(11:16):
when something new happens, we actually operate a lot from what's called the conditioned mind.
So something happens and we immediately relate it to things that have happened
in the past and how they made us feel, basically. Yeah.
And we go back to it can trigger so easily these feelings of anxiety,
fear, not good enough, sadness.
(11:36):
And when we're doing that, we're actually living from the conditioned mind and from stories.
Basically, we're not experiencing the world with fresh eyes and basically with
like a blank slate. That wild like wonderment.
That wild like wonder where I need to have children are like, I'm going
to go do this and I'm just going to go try it and let's go
see well they don't even say let's see how it goes because that's like
(11:59):
not even in their vocabulary they're like let's just go
try this and they don't have much conditioning to
like instill fear like what if i fail
at this what are the you know you know the ages where that
starts to kick in but a
very young child yeah around seven yeah so that is the ego mind is very conditioned
(12:19):
and we actually want to practice moving into more of an unconditioned mind and
viewing things with fresh eyes and noticing when a thought comes up and you
can see that it's like, wait a second,
I just jumped to a lot of stories in my mind and a lot of limiting beliefs.
This is the conditioned mind. And I actually want to move into like approaching
(12:42):
this new thing with an unconditioned mind. Yeah. Because we're not our thoughts.
Yeah, exactly. We're not our mind.
And the thing that I like to teach a bit as well in terms of when the ego mind
is becoming conditioned and then we kind of reach a point of,
more of an awareness where as a child
(13:04):
when we experience I always
say that a trauma is like an unresolved conflict and
of course there's the capital t's and they're the small t's but we talked about
some of those like ones that we could perceive as being really small as a child
in the last episode that affect us a lot and it's really an unresolved trauma
and as children we don't have
(13:28):
the mental capacity to understand what is even going on in our own mind and
why we're feeling the way that we're feeling.
If you've ever like a child is having a temper tantrum sometimes and you're
like, what's wrong? And you're like, I don't know.
And you need to like ask them questions to help them figure out,
(13:48):
oh, it's this or it's not this.
Right. So they just don't have the capacity and the ability to process why they're
feeling the way that they're feeling.
Let alone could they look at your mother, your father, your teacher and say,
oh, this is their stuff, right?
If we don't even understand why we're feeling the way we're feeling,
(14:09):
we can't understand why.
Another person's trauma. So that's why from a very young age,
we're internalizing it as being a reflection of ourself.
And we think, well, I, if it's a me problem, then it can be changed through
me changing. Okay. Yeah.
And so that's where it's like, oh, well, if I don't act this way,
(14:31):
because we just don't have the reasoning to understand that,
oh, it's just because my mother was
tired right yeah yeah she's she
was short with me because she was tired yeah and don't have that yeah no because
we're like well I don't even know why I'm upset about her being upset with me
I don't know what the feeling I'm feeling is right now I just know that it doesn't
(14:55):
feel good and I don't want to feel this way again so I just won't act like this
right yep and you start to
create all those stories where it's like, okay, if I'm too loud,
that makes like mom upset or something. So I should just be quiet.
Yeah. And then what's ironic is that as kids, we start to create all these,
well, we take on these wounds and these burdens and we create these stories.
(15:18):
And then the spiritual path is actually to look at these stories and to get
rid of them all again, can basically come back to our truth of love and wholeness
and being enough, inherently worthy.
And some of the funniest times can be like when actually in reality,
it wasn't maybe that your mother always wanted you to be quiet.
(15:40):
It was just like this one day that she was really tired and she just needed you to be quiet.
But a lot of us, and I think especially
millennials and Gen Xers
can relate to the fact that our parents never said sorry to us there was never
coming a coming back and saying I'm sorry that I was short with you it's because
(16:04):
of this right and it's that that created the trauma because that's the unresolved conflict.
Where really these things are going to happen. And I think it's a great expansion
on last week's episode where we talked about mothers.
Yeah. I was just going to say, so you would recommend to moms. Yeah.
Because these things are going to happen. You're going to get short with your
(16:27):
children. You're going to say the wrong thing.
God, I'm so aware of this stuff and I do it to my stepchildren.
Like it's the coming back and resolving that trauma.
It's never too late to go back to your children and say, you know,
how did this make you feel when I said that to you? Or I'm really sorry.
It's not you. I was just tired. Yeah. I was just tired. I know I was short with
(16:51):
you. I was just tired. Yeah.
Yeah. I, I always come back to this funny example of my youngest stepdaughter
calling me out when we were in Disney.
I, we were having such a stressful day with them.
We just wanted to ride this ride again and she was kind of
scared and didn't want to go back on and I started
the bargaining really high and I said I'll give you $50 to ride
(17:13):
this ride again wow I know I probably
could have offered lollipops and she would have said yes but we
come back home the trip was so expensive and
she was asking about the $50 and
I said you know what we spent a lot of money and I
like I bought you these books and I bought you this stuff like we I've spent more
(17:34):
than $50 and she looked at me so innocently
and she said but I didn't ask for any of that stuff whoa yeah
and you're like shoot yeah and it
took me a few days and then I really
had to think I was like she's right like 100% she's right she didn't ask me
for this stuff I chose to give this to her but I also wanted to she's not great
(17:59):
at saving money or knowing the value of money so So I also wanted to instill
a little bit of like learning in it as well.
So, you know, I came back to her a couple of days later and I brought it up
and I said, you know, you were right.
And she was like, well, what about all of the things that you said that you did?
And I was like, but you were right. Like you didn't ask for that. And she was like, I know.
(18:22):
And I was like, so I'm going to give you the $50. I said, but we're going to
give it to dad and he's going to put it in your bank account so you can save it.
Yep. And she was good with that. but it's going back and saying like,
yeah, you're right. And just because I'm an adult doesn't mean that I'm perfect
or I don't make mistakes.
(18:44):
Because this is where a lot of the ego externalizing our worth is,
is because our parents or our teachers never really admitted their faults.
We grow up thinking that there's always somebody more superior and having more
answers than us and not trusting what we're innately feeling is right or wrong.
(19:06):
I also thought it was funny when we were saying, when we were giving an example
of what you could say to your child, I also thought this applies to all relationships.
100%. Yeah. I was like, this isn't just for children. This would be a great
way to say to someone, sorry, I was short with you.
I'm just tired. Or sorry, I reacted this way.
(19:28):
And give of the reason and a more vulnerable reason as well. Yeah.
Vulnerability is really an open communication, right?
Being vulnerable enough to have those conversations is really what's going to
help you dissolve these traumas and fears because a lot of times,
(19:49):
and I know that there's like there's right people and there's wrong people to
put yourself in the energy of,
but a lot of of times if you're with the right people who really care
about you and have your best interests that's heart when you
have these conversations they're going to work out in your favor right and it's
just a story that they won't accept us or they won't love us and it's so powerful
(20:13):
when you actually witness that none of that's true I would also like to add there though that if.
If they don't accept you when you have these conversations, it can also be an
indicator that you're not in relationships that are actually aligned with you
that are safe emotionally for you.
(20:34):
Yeah. So I do like to give because I don't think for everyone it will be. No. Yeah.
Definitely not of the person appreciating your vulnerability.
Yeah. Yeah. And you really have to be
kind of committed to this path when we
look at people who have cultivated peace in
(20:54):
their life and set boundaries and we're looking directly at
the outcome we don't see the cost of
them obtaining that peace and having
the hard conversations that didn't go the way that they
maybe would have wanted that to and friendships falling out and having to be
in this kind of uncomfortable comfortable purgatory void where you really have
(21:18):
to remind and reparent yourself that their reaction to me is not a reflection
of my worth. Absolutely.
Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So there's three things I have that also like problems
operating from the ego as an adult.
Yeah. Let's hear it. Yeah. So number one, the ego mind loves to complain.
(21:42):
And I always say on retreats
and to clients that the ego mind likes to look at
what's wrong in every situation and it
likes to sit in the complaining there's nothing
wrong with noticing what's wrong in a situation or what doesn't feel aligned
with you but it becomes a problem when we stay stuck there yeah it just likes
(22:05):
to talk to talk it loves to just and it repeats like the the same story and
the same complaints over and over and over again.
And that is creating a big state of stress within your body if you're always
just looking at what's wrong and complaining about it.
And I always tell clients that you basically have four options when something is... Four?
(22:26):
Like, I like this. This is a lot of options.
Exactly, right? You actually have a lot of options.
Okay, when you see something that you're complaining about that you don't like,
Okay, the four options are number one, you could radically accept it exactly
as it is, which just means it's saying,
(22:47):
okay, say you're in healthcare, because that's the example that I'm using, right?
But so many jobs are stressful. So say you have stress at your job.
Many jobs are inherently stressful.
It's just the environments that we've created, right? And how society is functioning right now.
So number one, and if you're, this is basically if you're you're not going to
(23:08):
do any of the other three.
But it's still very useful. Yes.
One, radically accept it and just come almost to like black and white.
Like this is when black and white thinking actually makes sense where it's like,
oh, I work in healthcare and this is stressful.
It is what it is. It is what it is. So radical acceptance.
Number two is that you could actually contribute to a solution.
(23:32):
So back in, I think it was last episode where I said when a critical incident
happened, I emailed my manager with a list of changes that we could potentially do.
He did not acknowledge it, right? So I tried to contribute to a solution,
but it didn't really go anywhere.
So that's number two. You could say, oh, this is what's wrong in this situation.
(23:54):
I could try to work on solution.
That's actually using yourself yourself in a much more effective way.
Number three, you could actually call in a solution.
Like asking like your guides. Your guides. Yeah. God, spirit, source.
You could, and this is through like manifestation, co-creation,
(24:15):
or even just aligning to your true essence.
If you start to focus on the things you actually desire, and I always say to
people, okay, here's the problem. lump, what's the desire then, right?
If you're stressed, your desire is actually greater harmony,
greater peace, solutions to challenges.
So why don't you go into meditation and actually spend some time calling these
(24:38):
things in and saying something like, thank you for healing.
That was when I was really struggling with grief after my brother passed away.
I sat every day and said, thank you for healing. Thank you for healing.
And I visualized healing energy coming into me.
And then all these healing experiences came
to me right with the caveat
(25:00):
there that if you're asking you know for a
solution with your job it might be that your job gets removed
so that's number four okay love it option four is leave yes yeah so radically
accept contribute to the solution
call in a solution or leave yeah and basically that is the that's the,
(25:25):
point I got to with healthcare. That's also the point that I've gotten to in
different relationships as well. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Relationships for sure. And I actually tried. I remember one of the relationships
I was in, I went through almost like multiple of these stages where I'm like,
okay, I'm just going to practice radically accepting this.
(25:46):
And then I was like, no, this is still like feeling unaligned,
you know? Then I tried to to actually like create solutions.
But sometimes you can get kickback from your loved ones when you're the one
trying to like help them, right? Yeah, they don't want to be fixed. Yeah.
So then I tried calling in solutions, which actually worked and interesting
things came, but still things were not feeling quite aligned.
(26:08):
I tried this over a period of about six months. And then still at the end of
the six months, I was getting a gut nudge as to like, no, this just isn't right.
Right. So then I resorted to number four. Yeah.
That's so powerful because I honestly feel like these four steps or options,
whatever you want to call it, is kind of a roadmap to not having regret at the
(26:33):
end of the day. Absolutely.
Yes. I love that because I feel very good with a lot of my decisions because I'm like,
no, I literally like tried a lot of
different things yeah and it's so
I think powerful to know that
it you know because I'm kind of visualizing these
as being like four doors and it's like if each of those doors like slams in
(26:57):
your face yeah then you know that you've done everything that you can because
if you know if God is closing a door over here and again when we say God it's
like God universe source,
consciousness whatever resonates with you but if a
door is closing over here then a door is opening somewhere else yes
(27:18):
and we just need to change focus and that's another
great thing is like when we're complaining about something yeah it doesn't make
sense to stay in that state you might as well try these four different doors
because exactly what you're saying the thing that you're complaining about and
the thing that isn't feeling aligned with you the universe could be be saying,
yeah, that's because it's not meant for you.
(27:42):
We're trying to show you that over here is actually the path that's aligned to your soul.
Yeah. Yeah. But so many of us just stay stuck in like the complaining and looking
at what's wrong and just staying there.
And I think a good point, you know, for anybody who's listening to this and
can relate it to something that they're going
(28:04):
through in their life right now to go into that IFS work and find what the wound
is that's keeping you staying in this state of suffering.
Because a lot of times there's this belief that nobody else will love me.
So that goes into number two, stories. Amazing. Problems when we operate from
(28:28):
the ego mind. Stories. Here we go.
Yeah. A lot of times there really is a story that, and I do it myself as well.
It's like there's this root wound over here and we make all these excuses about it. Yeah.
And I think we're all guilty of it. It's like, oh, well, it's because the money
and it's not a good time and I need to pay my rent and I need.
(28:50):
Yeah. And really all of that is just trying to protect you from,
oh, I don't believe I'm good enough to get a higher paying job or a better relationship.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So that was the second one is the stories,
which is the conditioned mind basically.
And we stay in, yeah, a lot of times we stay in these situations based on fears,
(29:12):
limiting beliefs, stories that we've created.
Yeah. And what I love to ask clients to help get out of that story,
basically, to let that story go, is I ask them, and this is inspired by the work of Byron Katie.
She asks, can you know that this thought is 100% true?
(29:33):
Yeah. Can you know that this little story that you're creating in your mind,
can you know it to be 100% true?
Yeah, no. No, yeah. Like, your mind's usually like, no.
And then we ask, okay, if that's a no, then why are you like choosing that as
your story to believe in?
(29:55):
Another question that I like to ask people that's maybe a little bit more harsh
is how well is that working out for you? Right.
Yeah. That's another way of framing it. Yeah.
Like how well is being committed to telling this story working out for you? Yes.
(30:15):
And might be a good time to talk about actually how the ego mind likes to keep
us in our victimhood. Absolutely.
And if you look into the victim triangle, if anybody who's listening is familiar
with it, the victim triangle has three roles.
So we're either the victim, we're the hero, or we're the bully,
(30:37):
or we're putting somebody else in the role of being the bully or the victim. Interesting.
And every time that we are in any of these roles, we're in the victim triangle.
Angle and so a lot of
the times it's harder to recognize with
like when you're trying to be the hero right that
(30:57):
actually even you trying to be the hero is a
perception that there's no control or
that it's all on you and you have to figure it
all out yes and again those are all stories
that are just keeping us in this victimhood and like
we talked about i can't remember what episode
(31:18):
but nothing is ever going
wrong and our ego
mind is like we talked about always focused on the
things that are going wrong the things that were going wrong and that's
just a perception because we haven't reached the outcome yet and it's that seeing
is believing so it's like well all i see right now is that my life is shit yeah
(31:41):
but if you can just kind of zoom out of that and And take yourself out of that
victim triangle and just pretend for a moment that like, well,
what if this is bringing me to something better?
And so what I mean by this is when we're experiencing the darkness and the hard
times, it's really easy to perceive that we're just experiencing darkness and
(32:04):
that's all we're focused on.
But I really like to think about it as if we are a seed being planted in the soil right now.
And that darkness is actually just the foundation that we need to be watered, to grow our roots.
And that there will be a day that we emerge from that soil and we're a beautiful flower.
(32:25):
But if we go and we tear out the crops before it's too soon because we think,
oh, it's not working. Mm-hmm.
All the ego thoughts, all the stories, like, I'm not good enough.
This must not be working.
Yeah. When really we just need to surrender to the divine timing of it and know
that the dark times are just us being planted and will bloom again.
(32:48):
Exactly. And everything I always like to remind people to and remind myself
that if things were meant to be different right now, they would be different. Yeah.
Sorry, it just makes me laugh so much. The simple truths are the bangers.
But you have everything you need right now for the soul growth that you're working on.
(33:14):
Yes. And ironically, when we say something like this, this, this is bad in my
life and I I wish it was like this.
That's actually the thinking that you need to work on.
Yeah. But a lot of times we have that focus on the outcome.
(33:35):
And we think, well, I'll be happier when this is over, or I'll be happier when I have the money.
I'll be happier when I have the job. I'll be happier when I have the relationship.
And I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about our externalizing our
worth on these things. Yeah, definitely.
So the ego is kind of tricky here, or basically the reality of it is kind of
(34:00):
two sides to the same coin, where both things can be true.
It's that and statement, right? I don't want to say that you won't experience
levels of greater happiness when you reach certain places,
because I think it's so valuable to be following a path that actually feels
(34:22):
aligned to your soul and following what feels true to you,
taking risks, trying things.
Leaving relationships finding relationships that
feel more aligned with us you can experience more
happiness on the other side but the ego can have also have this pattern of always
(34:44):
thinking that like when i reach this when i reach that and the mind is conditioned
and it thinks in patterns,
so and it resorts to the most common patterns right
that you think in so if you are sitting here thinking I'll
be happier when xyz happens once you reach that place if you have that pattern
(35:08):
of thought it's going to continue once you reach that so then it's going to
be the next thing you're going to be striving basically for the next thing or
seeking out and basically if you.
If you don't feel whole and fulfilled where you are right now,
the key is to feel, come back to our truth, which is wholeness and love,
(35:30):
no matter your external circumstances.
Because if you don't feel whole and that you are love in the now,
again, that pattern's going to continue.
So even when you reach those things, if you don't have this feeling of like
inherent worthiness, inherent love, you're most likely going to be in a very similar spot.
(35:52):
Yes, you could have changed the external, but you could still feel empty and
like something's missing because you're not actually really addressing the root there.
The root is that you have this ego thought pattern of not being enough,
that something's wrong with you.
You don't feel whole. You don't feel love. And that's the pattern of the mind
(36:14):
that's actually going to continue. you. Yeah.
And we talked about how happiness is a choice and there's always moments of
happiness that are available to you.
And what you just said makes me think about back in 2020 when I changed careers.
I left my relationship and my mom's health was rapidly declining.
(36:38):
And I recognized that because it was such a painful period that I have this
pattern of wishing time away until I'm at this more peaceful place or when this is over.
And so in this moment with this circumstance of my mother's health declining,
I realized that if I wish this time away, if I wish this painful experience
(37:03):
away, I'm actually wishing for a moment when she isn't here anymore.
And when I realized that, I made this conscious choice to be really present
with all of the emotions and the things that were happening and be with the
growth and be with the feelings.
And as hard as a time as that was,
(37:25):
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, there were a lot of
moments where my coffee tasted better and my showers were more enjoyable and
the music sounded better and the birds were chirping because I was so present
with this period of time because I didn't want to miss out on or regret a moment of this year.
(37:47):
And then there was this different kind of layer of grief to move through because
my life really opened up on the other side of her passing.
That's when I met my partner. That's when I built my business.
That's when I met you and a lot
(38:08):
of people who became like my family and my foundation and community now.
And it's not because she isn't here. It's just the way that it was planned and set out for me.
And so sometimes even when we get to the things that do inherently bring us
joy, Like my business brings me joy. My relationship brings me joy.
(38:29):
There still are emotions to move through.
So it really is just a perception and almost like a fear of being with our feelings
in the now that keeps bringing us to this future place of it'll be better when it'll be better when.
I also think a lot of people can resonate with that in terms of allowing yourself
(38:51):
to feel happiness after someone has passed.
I think that can be an ego story that a lot of people struggle with.
100%. A lot of my clients who have recently experienced a loss really struggle
with allowing themselves to be happy.
And how did you move through that or how do you move through that?
(39:14):
It feels like such a loaded question because there
still are moments where it comes up like
with my wedding coming up it's this feeling of like I
know that she is so proud of me and so happy for me but also she's not here
and it's this it's like trying to fit a square into a circle when you're like
(39:34):
why can't I just have these two things like why can't she be here and experience Yeah.
But it's really tuning back into the love.
I always say that grief is like this process of love transitioning.
It's like love and transition.
(39:56):
So before I had my mother's physical body here to love and to communicate love
with her, and that grief really felt heavy because it was just all this love with no place to go.
And so when I recognized that, that's when I started just shifting my relationship
with grief is not looking at it as being like a negative thing and a loss,
(40:19):
but all this love that was left behind.
And for me, I actually feel like because that love was so great that I couldn't
put it all into one person.
So God brought me, you know my
my husband and my stepchildren and this
community to pour that love into that's an amazing perspective yeah
so that's the perspective that worked for me was
(40:43):
actually just realizing that it's all this love that
I have to give to people yeah I
also think like with my brother passed I
like to think he it would make him the happiest
to see me happy 100% yeah
yeah that's that's all they
want from us and there's
(41:06):
always this you know we're sad because
they're not here when really like we're the ones who
are left behind and suffering and they're
fine on the other side they're so
happy and we have these cheerleaders and you
know my husband also lost his mom and we
always say that it was the two of them who brought us
(41:29):
together so it really is
just finding these little ways to incorporate
them into your life because they're not gone they're still here even like I
shared with you after our last podcast when you were talking And I almost started
crying because I could feel Greg's presence in the room saying how proud he was of you.
(41:52):
Like, they just become our biggest cheerleaders. And if we can remember that,
it doesn't take away the pain fully.
Yeah. But it definitely helps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And when you mentioned talking about how you started to experience,
you didn't want to wish away the time.
So you woke up almost to the good that was in front of you with your coffee
(42:17):
tasting better and the showers feeling better.
And that is what my experience with like connecting it back to the ego mind.
That's been my experience deeply this year with I've
been using that practice of catching the stories
of the ego mind because if you notice in your
everyday life how many times we're stuck in stories
(42:40):
if you start to pay attention to this you will notice that pretty much when
you are doing any other activity washing the dishes taking showers we're just
caught up in a story it's like paying attention to how often you blink exactly
yeah so i've been starting to really
notice this and asking that question as to, can I know this to be a hundred percent true?
(43:04):
And when I asked myself that the answer is no.
And then you ask yourself, well, who would I be without this thought?
And the answer to that is you just are, I am, you are being.
And then I come back to that and I'm like, oh, okay, well, I'll just drink my
coffee then and like truly just experience my coffee and I'll look at the window.
(43:29):
And yeah, it goes back to like not focusing on all the problems.
And that leads into the problems when we're operating from the ego.
The other thing that we tend to do is we are analyzing and trying to figure things out.
Yeah. Non-stop. Non-stop.
Yeah. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. What is the solution?
(43:54):
And it's so much mental energy where it's almost kind of comical too if you
think about the fact that like you talked about the mind that's trying to figure
out isn't the mind that's gonna come up with the most,
How do you say it? Yeah. So I always say this to clients is that the mind that's
trying to figure it out is not going to be the mind that brings the highest
(44:16):
solution or basically the solution, the least resistant solution,
the solution that's actually authentic to you and your path and pretty much
the best solution, I like to say as well.
Yeah, because the only proof that the mind has is from the past.
Yeah. And the past brought you here.
(44:37):
Exactly. So if you don't want to be here anyway, you can't keep thinking from
the same mind. Yeah, you have to find a new way of thinking.
And I always say, like, just practice listening to your soul.
Like, if you have to make a decision anyway, there's never, never,
ever a way of knowing what is right or wrong definitively. Yeah.
(45:00):
And if you make a decision and you decide that you want to change your mind, you can.
Hand so why not try listening to the soul and so the soul is the quiet voice
right and it's the voice that speaks first so a lot of times when you're in the shower.
Or in a car ride meditation are the
(45:24):
moments where you can hear your soul speaking it's just like this little pull
or a realization a thought that pops into your mind and it's the ego that comes
in after that which is very loud
yeah and full of doubt and fear and attaching all these stories to it.
But it's like, hey, well, if working out of this mind isn't working out anyway.
(45:50):
Why not just give this soul nudge a try and see what happens?
Yeah, that goes back to, I think it was either episode one or two where I talk
about that three month experiment where it's like, what if you tried thinking or using your mind?
I don't even like to say that it's thinking.
I like to say it's like a shift in how you're actually using the mind And it's
(46:11):
what you're focusing your attention on.
That's what a lot of my practices involve.
But what if you tried to do this for three months and see where that gets you?
You yeah yeah and that was my experience
with my own when intuitive
messages started to come through for me
the first experience was when I was meditating because I joined that meditation
(46:34):
course when I was 22 and I started getting little nudges as to what path I might
actually want to take and then the first time I was or the first time I had
my ideas about business was actually on the back of a jet ski.
That's fun. I know it is a fun place, right?
And it's because I was on these hour long rides on the back and I was staring out at the horizon.
(46:58):
And that would be, we talked about this in episode, I think too,
where we talked about calming the brainwaves and making them,
shifting your mind into more of a relaxed state.
And so that's what was happening when I was on the back of the jet ski.
And then I had these ideas.
You want to start your own business. And I was in nursing school at the time. And I'm like, what?
(47:19):
Yeah. And they would not go away, these little messages. And like you were saying,
they were little whispers.
But of course, after the little whispers came, all these limiting beliefs and fears.
And it's like, well, this doesn't make sense. You're in nursing school.
You're obviously going to go and become a nurse, right?
But time went on. money for school money yes yes so I kind of bargained with
(47:42):
the messages I'm like okay well I'm still going to be a nurse and I'm happy
that I went into nursing but I made sure I was still listening to the nudges
because they weren't going away so I started to follow them and,
what I tell everyone is that you want to start following them and then seeing
where that basically gets you.
And that's how you collect data about if you can basically trust the messages.
(48:08):
Your inner nudges, the messages of your soul.
And for me, it's been a huge yes that you can trust the nudges of your soul.
And it's happened to me with following more purposeful work.
It's really also happened to me in relationships where I
was getting a gut nudge that something was not aligned with
me and I wanted to ignore those gut nudges right but
(48:30):
I they kept coming up so I'm
like okay let's listen and then I'm just so glad that
I actually removed myself from that misaligned relationship
because so many other great things in my
life have come together since leaving relationships
that were not aligned to me yeah and because
the ego mind is that seeing is believing
(48:51):
yeah it's so powerful to
say like okay well like let's
just see then and when it
does work out now you have this information to satisfy the ego mind yes and
the i think the quickest way to reprogram or like you call uncondition the mind
(49:14):
is through the doing yes because we could sit
there and talk about it and come up with all the things and meditate and get the nudges.
But until you actually take action to see the results.
It's just nothing. Shit or get off the pot.
Sound like my mom. Right? You didn't say she said that. Oh, she said that all the time.
(49:39):
Yeah, it made me think of that. It popped in my head, right? Yeah. But it's true.
And I mean, that kind of like, you know, ties into the earlier conversation
is it's actually those little things like remembering the things that they would
say that keep them alive for you. Yeah, definitely.
Yes that was a beautiful authentic yeah weird eh
(50:02):
oh my gosh that's so cool yeah so
how would you what would be your tips your
recommendations for tuning into the soul hearing those inner nudges hearing
the messages of the soul i always encourage people to take a moment to really
see where they're at in terms of basically how much of a monkey mind you have.
(50:29):
Because for me, I was a really busy person. I loved multitasking.
I was always go, go, go.
And so again, as somebody who was like an intuitive child and was interested
in this since I was a child, I really blocked myself off from it just through
the busyness of my mind and those messages not being able to come through.
(50:52):
But just starting by sitting in meditation was too much of an extreme for me.
I think a lot of people could relate to that. Yeah. So I actually tend to recommend
if you aren't at the stage of being comfortable with meditation yet,
let's just move from multitasking into single tasking.
And I do this really fun, silly little exercise where you're going to set a
(51:17):
timer, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and you're going to write out the alphabet.
And first time you're going to go 1A, 2B, 3C, all the way to Z.
And then you're going to stop that timer. You're going to see how long it took you.
Then you're going to set another timer, except this time you're going to complete the alphabet A to Z.
(51:39):
And you're going to complete the number sequence beneath it and see which one is faster.
Because our brain isn't actually capable of multitasking.
Because every time we pick up another thought pattern, we end the first thought
pattern, and then we have to pick it back up again.
So when you start to implement single tasking and seeing that you're getting
(52:04):
the same amount done, if not more in a day faster.
It is just really powerful for slowing those brainwaves because now we're not
always interrupting the sequence.
Yeah. I was just going to say when you're not multitasking and thinking always
about the next thing, you're slowing the brainwaves. Yeah.
So that's a really good way to start by slowing the brainwaves because now when I'm single tasking,
(52:30):
maybe when I'm making breakfast for my kids and I'm no longer thinking about
the laundry and the dishes and cutting the grass,
there's actually some things dropping in
yes and i think we multitask because we have
i think it's fear-based thinking again that we're gonna like forget yeah
to do these things yeah when it's actually the multitasking
that creates the forgetting right because you can't think of more than one thought
(52:54):
at once so start with single tasking that will slow the brain wave that now
if you're just cooking breakfast for your family and that's all you're doing
you might start to notice these messages dropping in.
And then that's a really good time to progress to actually sitting down and
meditating for five minutes, 10 minutes, 15.
(53:17):
I always say you want to kind of stretch that edge of your comfort zone.
So if five minutes is too easy, then stretch it to 10. Easy.
And just have a notebook and just notice when your mind is silent,
what's kind of dropping in what nudges
and record it all and then it's
(53:38):
really kind of journaling and recording and collecting data like i talked about
like you talked about so if you get this nudge just practice following through
on it taking action taking action on it and then go back and record what the outcome was.
And the more that we do that, the more we strengthen this muscle of listening
(54:03):
to our soul and trusting it.
And this is what I teach all of my clients is just start here.
And then we're going to slowly kind of push the meter because what's really
happening too is our nervous system isn't feeling safe to relax yeah,
(54:26):
And if we try to just rush it into relaxation, it's going to make it feel even more unsafe.
Yep. And we're going to fire up that fight or flight response even more and
then feel like we're failing.
And now we've just validated one of these stories.
So it's really a soft approach and just knowing that it's the absence of thinking
(54:48):
that helps your soul speak.
So really, you don't have to do anything. You have to practice not doing. Not doing.
Which is so simple in concept, but it's so difficult in the true application of it. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah. I would say for myself, there's so many skills and practices that
(55:10):
can help you move from ego mind to more soul-based intuitive nudges.
I think for me, one of the big practices was at the beginning of the episode,
I talked about instead of focusing on the problem, focus on what you want to call in.
What I love about this as well is it takes the pressure off of finding an answer right away.
(55:35):
Because what you were saying is sometimes our nervous systems,
we, many of us have such self-critical minds that when we try to meditate or
when we try to tune in to our intuition right away, the ego mind like pops in
and it's like, we're doing this wrong.
Like, I can't hear like, what's the message?
(55:55):
So what I love to do is if I'm experiencing stress, let's give stress for an example.
If I'm experiencing stress, I ask myself, okay, what is it that I actually desire?
Peace, greater peace, right? Or maybe a solution to XYZ.
And I focus on calling that in. So just say, thank you for peace.
(56:15):
And you could even visualize like like a stream of peaceful energy coming into your body.
And then what I find is that when you focus that the universe can start sending
you the things that can actually bring you peace. Yeah.
Or you can have these spontaneous insights and thoughts just drop in as to what
(56:36):
can lead you to greater peace.
And that like takes the pressure off exactly what you're saying.
Like we don't need to go searching for the answer the
searching is the ego yeah we just need to allow yeah
yeah so that's a great way to say my only role is to like just call in what
i want or to just focus on this healing energy coming in i don't need to find
(56:56):
the answer that's not my role a lot of my clients love i just had a call with
them a few nights ago and they absolutely loved this line it's not my role.
So finding the answer, finding the message of your soul, that's not your role. It's not the finding.
You just need to, easier said than done, relax and allow it to kind of come through.
(57:22):
But ask yourself, how can I experience that initial state of relaxation?
And it's different for every person and different people will be drawn to different modalities.
For some people, it's yoga, right? They can go to a yoga class and that helps
calm down their ego mind and helps them. It creates that slower brain state.
And then you can have insights pop in with yoga.
(57:42):
Another great one is journaling, like you said. And journal prompts.
Actually, we do this on retreats where I give out journal prompts and I say,
don't read them. Cover them up.
Read the question and what comes out right away.
Because that's your soul speaking. That is your intuition speaking.
(58:02):
The first thing that comes to you. Yeah.
And that's what I use as like automatic writing.
Yeah. Right. So like after that meditation, when you're at that point, then put pen to paper.
But it's when you're trying to, I always make a joke with like my mediumship
students, my surrender students.
(58:24):
It's funny to think that it's something that we can teach. Yeah.
Right. We just kind of provide a framework.
We show them the modalities, the choices, the options that they have.
And really, they all do the same thing.
But intuitively, what feels right to you?
What works for you? So we can't really teach that it's like this one thing.
(58:49):
Exactly but to kind of extrapolate a
formula it is always coming down to
what is going to bring you into that
slower brainwave absolutely yep
yeah what can you use to get you there
that feels safe because even
practicing yoga it's like it's single tasking because you have if you're not
(59:14):
paying attention to where your limbs are on that mat you're falling over another
one's breath work right yeah a lot of people when they do breath work they come
out with so many insights.
Of their soul speaking yeah because they're just
focusing on the breath yep so really i
make sure i say yeah i make sure to say to them you don't
(59:36):
actually need to do anything you don't need to make anything happen just
like follow this breathing pattern again sometimes easier said than done but
you don't need to a lot of people when things aren't coming in immediately the
ego mind can again kick in and say what am i doing wrong yeah but you don't
have to do anything just Just do the breath,
(59:56):
surrender, and then see what comes.
And look at that as being a beautiful opportunity in that moment to reprogram
the ego mind into reminding it that nothing's going wrong. Nothing's going wrong.
Me recognizing that is something going wrong is a pattern of my mind is actually it working.
(01:00:18):
And if it was meant to be different, it would be different. Yeah.
Yeah. So to really say that anything is right or wrong, we can't.
We just hold space and show them the perspectives and how our mind works.
Yeah. By holding onto that thought, something is wrong, that's a wounded part of yourself.
(01:00:41):
Like that is a belief system in itself.
And that's actually what's probably causing a lot lot
of suffering in your life which is ironic
because it thinks it's doing something
helpful it's like well something's wrong
or things should be this way but that's actually what's causing your current
(01:01:02):
state of like reality because again you're sitting in that state of consciousness
of something is wrong or waiting for the other shoe to drop if something isn't wrong yeah Yeah.
So hopefully our listeners can relate to some of these things and start to notice
it in their life because healing is really just having the awareness and shifting
(01:01:26):
the periods of time that we're in suffering and we're in the ego mind.
That's the way that I look at it is how much can I condense the amount of time
that I'm sitting in my stories. Exactly.
And I do recommend to people that whatever skill or practice resonates with
you, you do want to try to commit to it for a period of time,
(01:01:48):
because that's really where you will see the shifts.
Yeah so whatever resonates with you is great
your choice but really like say okay
i'm going to commit to catching my stories for this amount of time i'm going
to commit to a meditation program for this amount of time yeah a breathwork
program a mediumship program because you need to have this extended period of
(01:02:10):
practice to shift your experiences and collect that data yeah and not Not like one week either,
like 40 days and onward. I like to say three months. Yeah.
Yeah. At least, I always say seven weeks at least. Yeah.
It's kind of that minimum because our brain, for whatever reason, works with sevens.
(01:02:32):
We need to see things seven times. It's actually why phone numbers are seven digits.
There's something about the number seven and how our mind works.
Yep. That typically past that seven weeks is when we actually start to create
the habits and it's starting to be ingrained in us.
That's more digestible, seven weeks. Yeah. Aim for seven weeks and then if that's
(01:02:53):
going well. Yeah. The longer the better always.
But at least seven weeks, like if you can persevere through that,
things will probably shift and get easier for you.
Yeah yeah perfect thank you everyone for tuning in to episode four and we will
see you in episode five yes and as always there will be links to our resources
(01:03:17):
if you're looking to work with the ego mind through retreats or courses in our bio.
Music.
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