What It Really Means to Regulate (and Why It’s Not Just Breathing)

In this episode of The Next ChaptHER, I’m pulling back the curtain on what nervous system regulation really looks like — especially when you're walking through something hard in real time.

Mindset matters — but it doesn’t work alone.

To think clearly, stay grounded, and show up for yourself (and others) when life gets messy, you need tools that bring you back to your center in the moment — not just after the chaos ends.

I’m sharing:

• What regulation actually means (spoiler: it's not just breathwork and candles)

• Unexpected ways I regulate in real life — from binge-watching to city walks

• What I did in the middle of a medical procedure to calm my nervous system

• Why regulation is about choosing your response — not controlling your emotions

• The one question I ask my clients (and myself) when everything feels like too much

Whether you're navigating illness, burnout, parenting, recovery, or just regular life — this conversation is here to help you pause, reconnect, and come back to you.

Links + Resources:

📝 Read more real-time reflections on my Substack: The Next ChaptHER Substack

🎧 Listen to my go-to playlist for emotional regulation and strength: Hit Play on J.O.Y. – Spotify Playlist (Or search Hit Play on J.O.Y. on Spotify!)

🧭 Take the Lifestyle & Mindset Assessment I use with clients: Roadmap Back to J.O.Y. Assessment

💬 Let me know what resonated — DM me on Instagram @fullyinformedlifecoaching or share your thoughts on Substack.

—

✨ If this episode helped you feel seen or supported, pass it on to a friend or take a minute to leave a quick review. Every share helps more women find their way back to themselves.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to the next chapter podcast.
No shortcuts, no cheat sheets, no abridged versions, just the real deal, honest conversations, expert insights, and practical strategies to help you take the lead in your next chapter.
I'm Andrea Hecht, certified life coach, mom and midlife navigator.

(00:21):
Here to help you find your roadmap back to Joy, the journey of you so you can stop waiting for some day and start living now.
Because midlife isn't the end of your story.
It's your time to take center stage.
Let's go.
Your next chapter starts now.
Welcome back to another episode of the next chapter of podcast.

(00:44):
It feels amazing to be sitting at my desk back behind the mic and sharing my voice on this podcast.
In my last episode, if you caught it, I talked all about mindset and how it's been carrying me through the current chapter as I continue to heal, as I process, and as I really navigate the breast cancer journey in real time.

(01:09):
Today I want to go a little bit deeper because while mindset really is powerful, it's not a standalone type of situation.
So if you really want to feel grounded and calm and clear, especially when things get out of control, you really need something else too, which is nervous system regulation.

(01:31):
I know I'm sure many of you are thinking.
Something else that I have to do.
I have to sit there and try to breathe deeply or be maybe in a candlelight room, but just stick with me for a minute because I'm going to share in real time things that I have been doing in order to regulate my nervous system since March 28th when I found out that I had breast cancer.

(01:56):
What I've learned both personally and with my clients is that regulation isn't some kind of luxury wellness trend.
It's not something that happens after stress.
Passes.
It's actually what helps us stay in our body.
It helps you to stay clear and it helps you move through those really difficult moments when you're in them.

(02:19):
It's really important that you learn the tools that work for you, and I'm going to share what has been working for me.
Regulation is what allows your logical brain to come back online when you get in that fight or flight.
State, especially when I found out that I had breast cancer and in the early days when I was still waiting for messages and information to pop up in my portal.

(02:45):
It was very critical that I learned tools on how to regulate myself, and as I continue on this journey, learning how as I step into different appointments, how I can regulate my body so I can be there.
Thinking as clearly as possible, as calm and possible.

(03:05):
And when I say to regulate your nervous system, that doesn't mean that you're not scared.
That doesn't mean that there's no fear.
That doesn't mean that there's no overwhelm.
It's just trying to help your body stay out of that dysregulated state because your nervous system then goes into that fight flight, or freeze state.

(03:26):
And when you're in that.
Type of mindset and your nervous system is dysregulated.
You can't prioritize anything.
You can't really plan.
You can't really process.
You tend to be in true reactive mode.
And then that's when we start to spiral.
You say yes, when actually probably mean no.

(03:49):
Sometimes people even shut down.
And then you make decisions from fear.
Or you don't make them at all.
If we wanna show up with clarity and strength, maybe it's in parenting, maybe it's work, maybe it's an illness that you are battling recovery, even just our regular life.
We have to help our bodies feel safe enough to get back to our logical centered state.

(04:14):
This is what I really want to make sure that you hear.
Again, regulation isn't just about deep breathing or turning on the calm app and meditating.
Those tools are great and if that's what you decide works for you in different moments to become more regulated, that's great.
For me it's looked like all kinds of unexpected different things.

(04:37):
So let me give you a few real examples.
So first binge watching a show.
Yes, I'm saying that it's really an opportunity for me to turn the volume down in my brain when it's been too loud, for too long.
Sometimes putting on a feel good show gives my nervous system something predictable and comfortable to follow, and it helps me get back online.

(05:03):
Taking walks, just getting outside and feeling my feet on the pavement and reminding myself that my body is still capable of moving.
That's really helped.
Setting up those boundaries by saying no.
So sometimes regulating means I protect my energy by not having to overexplain anything, not replying right away to a text or an email and not saying yes when I really just don't have the capacity to do something.

(05:34):
Coloring.
That's been a really big one because it's something repetitive.
It's simple, it's soothing.
You can put music on, and it calms your body and helps you slow down a little bit.
Sitting outside has really been very helpful for me, the fresh air, looking around, noticing what I see, what I hear, what I smell.

(06:01):
Literally like scanning my environment to bring myself out of my head and back into my body.
That's really been helpful.
I've been writing on Substack, so if any of you have been following my journey over there on the next chapter, Substack.
It's been my real time processing tool.
Some days it's a release to write.
Other days it's how I make sense of what really has been happening.

(06:25):
But in either case, it helps to regulate me talking it out with others, talking about it with a professional.
That's really helped Sometimes I share just what's been going on for the day or other times it's something a little bit deeper, but saying things out loud.
Lets me actually take a breath and allows me to release the thoughts that were inside my brain and helps me regulate.

(06:56):
And then there are those on the spot moments, the times when my nervous system is screaming and I have to regulate right then and there.
For example, I was getting my drains removed in the plastic surgeon's office.
The first drain got removed and I started to cry and instead of just brushing it off and pushing through it after she was done and I, it was time for the expansion procedure, I said, I need a moment.

(07:25):
And I said I wanted to turn some music on.
I started to breathe.
We changed the topic.
We just started chatting just about summer and plans and what she was doing, and I needed to just let myself settle.
And then another time before one of my expansion appointments, I asked again for a minute.

(07:50):
Before we started, I asked if I could literally just pause.
And again, I turned on some music.
I needed to take myself mentally somewhere else for a moment.
I imagined being at the beach.
I focused on the sounds and breath and did whatever I could to calm myself.

(08:12):
And I didn't avoid what was actually happening, but I gave myself a way to move through it, and that's what's most important.
Other times regulation has looked like what I called my city escapes.
After my New York City appointments, I started a new ritual.

(08:34):
Instead of getting back into the car and going home, I would walk a little bit.
I would walk the streets.
We used to live in the city, and so even just walking the familiar neighborhoods brought me back to a different time in my life.
Some great memories.
It allowed me just to breathe.
I usually stopped at a bakery or to get something to eat and it reminded me that I deserve to feel good even after hard things.

(09:03):
And I know that it sounds like it's a small thing, but that actually helps ground me and calm my nervous system down.
It helps me close the loop on whatever just happens at that appointment and reclaim my energy before I headed home.
So that's regulation two.
And this is what I really want you to understand, that regulation isn't a one size fits all.

(09:26):
It doesn't have to be stillness, it doesn't have to be silence sometimes.
It simply was.
Or is, I should say, pushing my mental fuck it button that I have sitting on my nightstand.
I also have a badass button.
It could be walking away from a conversation, lasting a song.
It could be crying in your car.

(09:51):
It could be watching three episodes of your favorite show.
It's really anything that brings you back to yourself even for a minute and allows you to breathe.
With my clients, I always say, you don't need to eliminate stress because stress actually helps to motivate you.
You just need tools to stay steady when you're in the middle of it.

(10:12):
A nervous system regulation, that's the foundation of those tools that I just mentioned.
It's what lets you stay in your body.
It's what lets you stay in control and stay present enough to choose how you want to respond instead of spiraling out in panic or shutdown mode.

(10:33):
If you've been living in go mode, if you've been snapping at people or crying randomly, or feeling like you're holding it together by one thread.
I want you to pause and I want you to ask yourself a few questions, which will help you really understand what your nervous system regulation tools might be.

(10:53):
So what's something that grounds you? What brings you back to yourself? What calms the noise? That internal noise? What gives you a moment that's your version of regulation.
That's what I want you to come back to in those moments when you're in the middle of a situation and you're not sure what to do and your body all of a sudden tenses up and maybe you feel a rush of warmth over your body, I want you to know that you do have tools to help you calm your nervous system in those moments.

(11:33):
You've got this.
Thank you for listening and for being here as I continue to walk this journey in breast cancer in real time.
If this episode resonated with you, please send it to a friend or take a second to leave a quick [e-mail]
slash the next chapter.
That really means the world to me.

(11:54):
It allows others to locate our podcast, and I'll drop the links to my playlists that have really helped to regulate me.
My substack and the mindset assessment that I use with my clients, I'll put those all in the show notes.
Stay tuned for more solo and guest episodes soon. 121 00:12:18,754.977 --> 00:12:19,714.977 Love this episode. 122 00:12:19,864.977 --> 00:12:22,744.977 Make sure to subscribe so you never miss what's next. 123 00:12:23,254.977 --> 00:12:27,694.977 If today's conversation resonated, please leave a [e-mail] 124 00:12:27,964.977 --> 00:12:29,44.977 slash the next chapter. 125 00:12:29,44.977 --> 00:12:31,894.977 Her It helps more women find their roadmap back to Joy. 126 00:12:32,254.977 --> 00:12:35,284.977 Ready for more support, visit fully informed life.com 127 00:12:35,284.977 --> 00:12:36,784.977 to learn how we can work together. 128 00:12:36,994.977 --> 00:12:39,304.977 Until next time, keep writing your next chapter.