S1 Ep 4: Love, Relationships, and Finding Yourself: A Deep Dive

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.

(00:17):
Welcome to the Player Circle Podcast, where we don't try to fit a square into the circle.
You come here to get deprogrammed and reprogrammed so we can get with deprogrammed. Let's get it.
Today, today we are going to talk about relationships and love and everything that that entails.
I know a lot of comments there. I know in our communities, love is just a tough thing.

(00:43):
And defining it, everybody has their own definition and we all have our own
backgrounds and upbringings and things that we were taught along the way that
we either now think is correct or incorrect.
And when you talk about generational differences, it causes so much more confusion for us.
And we think times are so much different, but really is everything just the

(01:04):
same and you really just don't know what's going on.
Right. So it's one of those things. Again, I come here just for a better understanding
of what things are so i want to kick it off first to those who have been married.
Or in long-term relationships five years or
more you've been married but me married or five years or

(01:25):
more five years or more long-term relationship right do
we just go kick it oh not me either we're gonna come back around but we're gonna
start with those who have been married long-term relationships five years or
more we just want to know love and your definition of it at this point what
what is it what is it for you.

(01:49):
Anybody.
Love is unconditional care that
is what love is for me how long have you been in a
relationship first my current relationship now six
going on seven years this current relationship
i was married before i was married when

(02:10):
i was younger probably like 2014 for two
years i was with her for six though i have literally i'm what people would call
codependent i guess i've been in a relationship since i was 13 like when i think
about it from 13 to 16 i was with the same girl broke up with her from 16 to
18, I was with the same girl.

(02:30):
I was with the same girl. I ain't saying I wasn't messing with other girls,
but I was with the same girl for that long.
From 18 to 20-something, I was messing with my first baby mom.
From 20-something to 20-something, I was messing with my second baby mom.
I stopped messing with my second baby mom. Probably was single for probably
like a year and a half. Got with my third baby mama. Is that the longest you've ever been single?

(02:53):
A year and a half. since I was a year and a half is probably the longest I've
been single since I was 13 for sure and I've been with my current girlfriend
now for six going on seven years are you just a relationship type.
The codependency. That was a good time. Can you not do without?

(03:13):
I can, but then eventually I am going to find somebody who company I enjoy.
I'm not a person. I don't need a bunch of, back then I did, but I don't need a bunch of women.
Like you feel me? One person who is my other half and we can just be cool and
kick it. It can just be me and you and we ain't got to, you feel me?
Just that, I need that.

(03:34):
Like that's what I need. Somebody that's mine and I'm theirs.
Like you feel me if it could be that that's what
love is for me somebody who i can't see nobody else with
if i can't see you i don't want to see nobody else taking care of you
i want to be the one to take care of you i want to be the one to make you
smile if i'm if i got that for you and i don't know i love like that my relationships
in general how i love my brothers like anybody i'll call my friends for me if

(03:59):
you in my life when i call you family or something i love big and it's hard
and it ain't just what you can do for me or what I can do for you.
It's like, however we can be able to help each other, I'm here for you,
even if it's just a phone call or something.
So I said, just unconditional care.
I ain't going to say too much. We're going to come back to Bo.

(04:21):
Bo, what? All right. Anything coming from you, Unc? You got anything for us? Well, sure.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. So I've been married for 30 years.
And this is what we wanted I'm playing I'm playing that's a beautiful thing it really is.

(04:45):
It's beautiful if you understand it. I don't think, coming from where I came
from, I didn't understand what that means.
I heard the word relationship, but you actually don't know what it takes.
It's something inside of that.
Commitment, bonding, long-suffering. A lot of stuff come into that that we yet
don't understand because I didn't get to see that role model-wise.

(05:08):
Nobody showed me what that was.
And you know how sometimes you may see somebody married, but you don't know
what's inside the house. You don't know actually what's going on.
It's actually a lot of work that most of us don't understand that we have to put up with.
And like I said, with the suffering and the compromising and a lot of things
you don't understand about love.
See, like I said, I've been married for 30 years. I had no clue.

(05:31):
You know, even when I got married. See, the thing about society is,
okay, white picket fence, go buy the house, get the cars, go get married.
But where's the work at? You're not telling me about what it takes to be in
this. What do I have to put up with? What do I have to understand?
See, women and men are opposite, and yet you don't know nothing about her.
You know what I'm saying? You're just doing it on what? What is your reasoning

(05:53):
for getting married? What's your reasoning?
Oh, she fine? Oh, she got a job? Oh, she got this? What is it?
You don't even know who she is, and yet you get married.
See, I would advise, you know, it takes a long time, but people want to do it
now because we're in this microwave age of do it now, and I don't even know who you are.
I don't know what your childhood trauma is. You could be traumatized from your childhood.

(06:16):
A lot of times what we do is we want to talk about when you get together,
everybody want to talk on their best behavior.
You know, for a long period of time, but you don't want to talk about the deep roots.
Maybe something has happened real deep and you won't say it.
You will hide it. You will keep it.
You won't let me know. Even though marriage is about coming into being one,
you might better have. We're fighting in this together.

(06:37):
Commitment, teamwork. But yet, you won't talk. Because once again, see, I can go back.
I got to go back because I had to understand this. I got to go back to slavery.
Okay. And what was, well, man, what are you doing that for? Okay,
but for one thing, when we came over here, you wasn't taught to be in love with nobody.
You wasn't taught to be a father to take care of nobody. You was a breeder.

(06:57):
You came in to breed, to breed women, and they sell your babies.
That's what was happening to you. And what you don't understand is that take
a toll. Well, this is 2024.
No, if you know anything about animals and dogs and pets, they line breed things.
You understand what line breeding is, which means that, you know,
now generations of stuff, you breed and stuff, and the next thing you know, this is your result.

(07:19):
But you don't know that because you don't know you because nobody taught you who you were.
Man, there's a whole lot to this. That's why it's not really good to just grab somebody.
You're doing it visually on the
outside, but you don't know her from the inside, or she don't know you.
So you got it, and that's why I believe God will take you to this place of understanding
first, I got to find me before I can try to understand you.

(07:42):
So when you say love, because his love is unconditional, he loves you even though
you're messing up. He loved you. He was with you the whole time.
But see, if your wife or your other half don't understand this process,
then that's why these divorces come quick. Why?
Because I don't understand you in the first place. Work. He keeps saying work.
I do think, especially with marriage, when I'm saying I'm marrying you,

(08:03):
that you're saying that for richer or for poorer and all that stuff.
But I'm really saying, hey, can I put up with this person's shit for the rest of my life?
That is what it is. And I feel like you do got to find somebody.
Look, I'm willing to put up with what you, with your flaws, your shortcomings.
And I don't know if you're willing to put up with mine. And let's work.
We're going to work 30 years. That's beautiful. You want to be married?
Of course. You want to be married? Hmm. You want to be married? Sorry.

(08:27):
No. Okay. I got you. Okay. That was a no there. You want to be married?
Fuck no. You want? You.
Why you.
Why you.
You want to be married? I'm a
different type of individual. Answer the question. You already fucked up.

(08:50):
I don't know how to edit all this out. This much laughter. You want to be married?
No, I was born different.
So then let's ask him this question. Do you want to die alone? Yeah.
I ain't going to be alone. I came in this world by myself.
I came by myself. I'm leaving by myself.

(09:12):
I do. I would like to be married at some point for sure, just to get it all
out there. I think everybody got those answers on that, right?
So a lot there, right? There's a lot in that. I want to know why, though.
Anybody want to expand on why? What is it that guy said? He said, F no.
He said F no. Your laughter. I don't see that much joy in your face.

(09:35):
It looked like it's a twinkle in your eye like Santa just came down and you caught him.
That's how the laughter did it. What is it? He got caught as Santa.
That's what it looks like.
That looks like he caught Santa. It looks like he got caught.
They don't got no chimneys in the hood, man.
But like a Michael Jackson, I'll be there.

(09:56):
Anybody want to expand upon why? Why not? Why with the no?
Why is there reasoning? Anybody want to expand? All right, look, I'll tell you like this.
Me personally, I don't understand why people want to so, quote,
unquote, be in love and get married and all that shit, right?

(10:16):
Love hurt like a motherfucker.
It hurt, especially when the shit don't work and don't nothing last forever.
I ain't never met nobody that's been married forever. And if they do,
they really don't like each other.
They just deal with each other and for
me like i've been in love twice but then
after that second time i was like fuck this shit man it's too much work it is

(10:39):
it's too much stress it's too much i've been single for seven years and and
i've been having the time of my life being single i ain't gotta worry about
nobody else i ain't gotta worry about no attitude when i come home So I'll just say this.
You said you haven't saw nobody who's been happily married.
Have you saw somebody not married who died happily? Have you saw that either?

(11:03):
I haven't. I have. You haven't. You haven't. So you haven't saw any side.
You haven't saw it work either way, right? All right. I appreciate that.
You said you haven't seen anybody single happy.
Who died just completely happy. Yeah. He said he didn't see anybody married or seen.
He ain't saw it at all. Oh, he ain't seen nobody. He's just rolling in.

(11:25):
Yeah, nah, because look, you know, most people that I know or that left this
world, they left untimely, you know what I'm saying?
So I don't know how they was feeling or where they was at in their life with
a relationship or not, you know what I'm saying?
I can't, can I tell you that, yeah, they seemed like they was in a better place, but.

(11:48):
That's what I'm saying. So I'm just going, I'm really, I'm speaking from my
experiences in dealing with women, and I've dealt with a whole lot of women,
and it's just, they all, at the end of the day, it all circles right back down to the same bullshit.
What? I mean, I couldn't put them all in a, that's like, if we put them all
in the same bag, that's like having one of them put us all in the same bag.

(12:11):
That's what they do. That's what they do. I mean, but I can't,
I'm not going to be walking around, I'm going to treat every woman I meet on
earth like every woman. No, like.
No, you treat them different. But at the end of the day, they all do the same
shit. It don't matter what nationality they is.
They still going to get on your nerves. They still going to stir up the bullshit.
You don't think we're going to get on their nerves? We're going to do some shit.

(12:32):
Yeah, but I'm just telling you based on my experience.
I think the difference is, it's like, so, I mean, even what you guys,
what's happening here is you understand that relationships take work.
Just like Uncle was saying, right? It takes a lot of work.
So you've decided that that's something you want, so you're willing to put in
the work and make the sacrifices for it, right?
So the argument you guys are having is both saying, I don't want to do that.

(12:55):
I don't have to do that. I don't have a desire to do that. So the idea of that
is, dare I say, repulsive.
I mean, he said, fuck no. He didn't say no. He didn't say no, thank you.
He was almost like he was almost like he was

(13:15):
almost like how dare you ask me this question no
no don't you know who i am no but you
see what i mean it's like but that to me it's for me for
me having been married and growing up a certain
way and having these ideas even i would even go as
far to say as these myths about what marriage
is and what love is and stuff and i want to read

(13:36):
a definition of of what love is or a
definition I've adopted from our author named bell bell
hooks later because I think it'd
be helpful to provide some context to our conversation but
I think for me it's been having been on both sides
like coming out of a marriage it's like it's a completely
different perspective I think prior to being married I

(13:58):
felt like what he's saying I'm hearing I'm hearing Scoot talk and I'm just like
damn it sounds like a lot of what was going on in my head prior to and what
he's saying is sounds a lot like what I've said post my situation you know what
I mean so we both got good points.
Y'all just have different commitments in terms of what you want,

(14:18):
because if you don't want to be in a relationship, if you don't have a desire
for that, and a lot of why we have the desire could be different things.
It could be family. It could be spirituality, religion.
It could just be so it's so many different things that feed into it could be
what you went through as a child, like even codependency, wanting to be with
somebody and being a part of somebody's life is not codependency.
But you could be in a relationship that becomes codependent and

(14:41):
the codependency usually comes from unresolved issues
that have happened in your childhood and that's what that's where
you get that and a lot of times i've been in those
type of relationships and and it happens so
in my experience it happens like so it happens so
fast and it happens so covert like if you're
not really on your p's and q's like you got to be like bow

(15:02):
to catch that shit otherwise if you like scoot dude you
like yeah you like oh yeah it's just like how
did i get here like every it's like you like my shadow
you know and it's like and some people like that
if you get too codependent people they'll probably love that but at the end
of the day it's not healthy and i mean i just have so many quotes i want to
share but i don't know them all top marriage experience it was just it was a

(15:25):
bad i would say this is where i'm at now i mean that's hard though because if
it didn't work Work out, isn't that a F? Right. All right.
But see, we got it. I mean, that's any relationships.
I say my experience. Evolve from it. So.
Yeah i mean it's it's hard that's a hard question

(15:45):
because when you're in it it's harder to see stuff
versus when you look back so at the time i could be like damn
i was hella happy but it's because i had this mindset that you had where i was
like this is part of the process so it's supposed it's okay for it to be this
way it's okay for these things to be happening because we've made a commitment
for it so it's like if i'm like we got some issues it might take five years

(16:06):
to deal with right some people like five years you're gonna deal with it in
my head i'm not even joking we We had some issues.
I was like, it might take five years to get through this. So I go, all right.
Somebody's like, that's crazy. Five years. I'm like, but if we're going to be
together, I plan to live another 70 years. Five years ain't shit.
But if you like not trying to be with somebody the rest of your life,

(16:26):
five years is a long time. Five years is like five years is a jail sentence.
Right. So I'll pause there. But I just want to give that perspective is that
that's not really a question I can answer.
I don't feel like anybody could really look back and you can't really grade
it retrospectively because the perspective on it at the time is so different

(16:47):
than now, you know? And and to like.
A lot of my friends, like close friends that that's in relationships or been
in relationships, I've seen how they operate when they're in a relationship.
And then when they get out of a relationship, I see how they operate.
And like i like how

(17:08):
they move when they're not in a relationship it seemed like when you're in a
relationship your mind be tied down with what's going on at home or or you not
you not being there enough for
or whatever whatever whatnot right but when you get out of relationship.
And you by yourself, and you're moving, you move different. It's like you got

(17:31):
a new lease on life. You know what I'm saying? So people getting right.
So I got married young. I was probably 23.
I was divorced by 25, 26.
Then I'm alone for a year and a half. I get my own house.
I'm to the neck. Put a stripper pole in the living room, and it's up.
Like, you laughed when I said I was a woman.

(17:53):
Woman, you laughed. And that's because, yeah, I am Hemity. and it
turned it turned into
listen though it just women it was a
revolving door and it was just me doing what i
i could have whoever i want and i'm doing that
and i'm running around so my life wasn't wrong then i'm 30

(18:13):
i'm about to be 34 in october i'm talking about 26 year
old i know so it wasn't all i
did was just that's around with a bunch of people it was pointless and then
like i'm wasting pointless time with people and
giving them energy don't even deserve it all in
the name of a nut something like pointless really you can't
do nothing for me you can't contribute to what's going on in

(18:34):
this household nothing at all you're trying to just give me just a
that's i don't want that and then now where
i got like right now i got somebody who really just
cares and wants to see me win and gonna do whatever
to see me win and wherever i am short somebody
gonna pick me up and it's the same thing like that i'm
rocking let me jump in on that see there's a commitment and

(18:56):
there's an understanding see we have been caught up in being brainwashed and
institutionalized we don't understand one of the best things you can get into
is a relationship and a real strong marriage with a woman but see you shake
your hair bow but you ain't really had a woman.
You've been dealing with girls. You've been dealing with hot chicks and all

(19:18):
this other stuff. You don't have a real woman.
See, we haven't been seeing any of that. A real woman will take care of you, support you.
You won't have to worry about it. It won't be no whole bunch of,
you know what you said, you know, the S-H-I-T.
It won't be none of that. See, man, we way out of pocket.
We've been grabbing the wrong ones. And plus, we don't understand them.

(19:41):
That's why, Once again, they start going off and going in all these directions,
but you don't put the work in. You don't understand who she is.
It's like this. You can't just grab anybody because it ain't meant for you to just be doing that.
See, it ain't meant to happen unless it's real, unless it's a real connection.
And I believe, once again, God has to give you that connection.
You can't just go out there and get women because, see, I've done that.
And it don't work. I ran into that.

(20:02):
You go outside. And that didn't work, Bo. But when you got somebody behind you,
really behind you, and then you're talking about bearing kids. Do you want kids?
Do you want somebody to trust? See, there's a lot more to marriage than they
done told us, and we done got messed up. Hold on. After you, Bo. Ah!
Nah, I might need a drink after this one. Hold on, play. Hold on. Go ahead. OG. Go ahead.

(20:25):
Did it ever cross your mind that not everybody is cut out for a relationship?
No, they're not. They're not. So who says that I'm wrong for not wanting to
be in one? It ain't that you're wrong. It's just that thus far.
I'm just telling you, when you find that one that really supports you,
you have a different outlook. I just told you. It may not be for you.
Right now. Everything is not for everybody.

(20:48):
So we have to understand that. But what I'm saying is when you look at it right,
when you look at it right, when you really get. See, they ain't taught our women how to be women.
They ain't taught our men how to be men. Guess what? We're really suffering.
We're really going through it. And see, that's the problem. We're going through
it. We don't know what it is. It's just we've been lied to. Get the picket fence.
Get the car. Get that. No, that's not the essence of being married.

(21:09):
That's not the understanding of what God meant it to be.
See, we've taken things out of content, and now we're just going on our own
understanding, which ain't right.
And that's why they fail all the time, because they ain't meant to happen. You're right.
Everybody can't connect. we're connecting wrongly we're
seeing it wrongly we're just grabbing having sex having kids
and no no it's way beyond that before you

(21:30):
even touch a woman you should understand even touching her before you even have
sex you shouldn't even be doing that but see we're way off the mark we were
off the mark and we have been caught up in this we've been caught up in this
lifestyle to just hit women hit women hit women but you who are they when we
look at this right If you're not wrong, you're just on this.

(21:50):
Check it out, right? Check it out. Check it out. When we looking at this situation,
right, and we going into something, I said this in a previous podcast,
when we talking about marriage, we have to get down to what is the point of this union, right?
Everything that we do in life, all our moves actually supposed to have a point to them.

(22:11):
Now, don't get it twisted because I'm not speaking from a place like I just
got my stuff together because I really don't.
This is this is real. Right. So we have to be able to have a point to what we're doing.
So if you were a woman, ultimately, the point is right to bring about some type
of children. Right. It's a be fruitful and multiply.

(22:32):
If we come in from a religious standpoint. Right. You got secular.
You got a religious situation.
Right. So now and we have to be careful because when we deal in the secular world, anything goes.
So anything goes in the secular world. Did it say be fruitful and multiply with
one woman? I mean, I'm not necessarily saying that, right?
I'm not necessarily saying that because my perspective in this situation is
different. You know what I'm saying?

(22:53):
I'm not the hoe, right? No, I'm saying like...
Hey, but ultimately, right? But no, for real, it didn't say be fruitful and
multiply with one woman, even if your marriage might consist of multiple wives.
But it's a different situation though, right? Because what we're taking out
of the relationships in today, we're taking responsibility out,

(23:14):
right? Right. We all got responsibility to each other, whether you have whether
it's a multiple situation or it's just singular.
You know what I mean? Whatever the situation you decide for yourself is,
you know, you and your principles. Right.
But ultimately, y'all got obligation to y'all to each other.
Y'all got obligations to raise the children.
Y'all have obligations to make sure that the household is in order,
that y'all doing these things together to elevate each other. Right.

(23:37):
It's a situation where we're supposed to be dedicated and loyal to the fact
that if whatever's going on in life, I got your back. Yeah, exactly.
I like that. See, loyalty, right, over everything. Now, loyalty in that sense
of faithfulness is two totally different things, right?
Now, you be faithful to whatever it is y'all agree to.
You know what I'm saying? That's the whole concept. And what you agree to is

(23:59):
what your principles are, right?
Y'all line those principles up and y'all get that together from the gate.
But ultimately, right, we're not putting anything in perspective of,
okay, we actually are just chasing feelings.
But feelings change like the wind. So, oh, I'm in love. It make me feel good.
But that's not love. Love is an action.
It don't got nothing to do because guess what? You ain't going to like me today.

(24:20):
I do all type of shit. I'm out of pocket.
You do all type of shit. Suffering behind the love. suffering
is into the love because it ain't gonna be smooth it ain't
gonna be smooth with you not at all we've been brainwashed to think that
everything's supposed you you've been lied to just be roses it's supposed to
all be fine okay all right and if it ain't that then this marriage sucking we
need to sign this paper you've been lied to no you've been lied to that's the

(24:42):
part when y'all supposed to dig y'all feet in the dirt grab me and figure out
what are we gonna do to make this work and you gotta get through that with somebody
that's the that's the oath you You take him before God.
So are you ready to truly do this?
But the problem is it's different for everybody. And I think one thing that
always gets left out of the conversation is, right, because to me this shit
all sounds good when you're talking about yourself, right?

(25:04):
Everybody, you can make a commitment to yourself. You can say to me,
as a man, I want to get married.
I want to have a marriage. I want to have a family. I want to do all this stuff.
And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this work.
You can say that. And you can believe that. And you can do that.
Everything happens on three levels, right, at least. There's your internalized,
your personal self. Then there's the interpersonal.

(25:25):
Because now the only thing you can really control is yourself.
So now when you bring another person in the picture...
Even if they say those things, you don't really know everything that's really
going on with this person, and you cannot control what's going on with that person.
And a lot of that is influenced by what they've had in their past,
what they're going through now, how they interpret shit that's going on day

(25:45):
to day, their interaction with you.
And then there's a systemic institutional stuff that happens.
This stuff that just happens is outside of your control that you can't deal with.
I've seen people's relationships fall apart when one of their parents pass away.
Way a parent dies and this person changes so
drastically that the relationship suffers and
crumbles a child could pass any anything could

(26:06):
happen it could be a tragedy it could be it could be all kinds of shit that
could happen but you but to me it's like this is a you'll get to you in a marriage
you're gonna get tested and whatever whatever even even you as an individual
what you're saying is i'm gonna make this work no matter what is that will probably
be tested at some point and And you have to also constantly,
you have to constantly reassess for yourself what's the best thing for you to do now.

(26:30):
And it's hard because a lifetime is a long time. If people change so much, it is.
Marriage is the only contract that people are not required to revisit regularly.
It's the only contract you do not revisit regularly. Any other contract you
have, any other situation like that, you're going to revisit in a structured
way to where you can say, is this still working?

(26:50):
Because a lot of people are a lot of people suffer through their relationships.
Because they've made commitments and things like that not to say that it's I'm
not saying not the same way that you talked about suffering you said suffering
okay okay but when I say suffering explain that to me the suffering is like,
I'm not happy anymore, and it's not getting addressed because they're like,
I made a commitment, so I got to figure this out.

(27:10):
But there's a bigger issue that's not being addressed, and they don't address the issue.
See, realistically, you have to understand what being happy is.
See, we've been totally brainwashed and out of control of a whole bunch of stuff.
We don't even understand what things are.
Once again, if you understand, and see, there's no research.
We're just doing it, microwave marriages.
That's what you're getting, and you're getting divorces. Why?

(27:31):
Because you don't understand.
Lack of understanding will definitely have you not in the game.
It's not going to work for you. You know what I'm saying? Even looking at it,
well, it takes work. Are you willing to put some work in? And then,
too, what is the outcome of that?
Like my brother said, okay, my kids.
If I want to bring kids in here, if I want to have kids, but I can't just have
a whole bunch of women because then what am I going to do to them kids?

(27:54):
See, you've got to have that strong commitment to bring that child in here and
understand that if I'm going to bring children in here, then I've got to be committed to that wife.
Because if I keep having different, I've done that.
There's an effect when you leave one and go to another one, the child is affected.
Whether you want to believe it or not, I work in this field.
And the field I work in, I get all these kids that's like that.

(28:17):
They've been affected by what? By their parents separating and leaving.
They've been affected. So you can't just go around making babies.
That's not going to work. That's going to affect your child.
Because your child's going to say, I left.
My father left because of me. not because of the relationship he had with his
wife, but the kids are saying they left because of me. Something's wrong with me.

(28:38):
And see, you got to get that because your kids sometimes ain't talking,
but they talk to me. I'm getting this all the time.
This is regularly when the parents break up, the kids blame themselves.
So there's something to this, but it ain't for everybody.
But once you make the commitment, understand the work that you got to put in.
Because once again, what have we been programmed to do?

(29:00):
Just hit women, just have sex and not really understand they're emotional creatures.
You can't just have, when you go up in somebody, do you know you're going up emotionally?
There's a tie, there's a spiritual bond there. You can't keep going up in people.
See, I'm saying it because I've done it. I'm saying it because I know the outcome
of it. I know that because I've hurt people.
No, that's not what it's meant for. and once again if it's not meant for you

(29:24):
to do it then know yourself and back up off of it know yourself and get out of it.
I'm 33 I had that
time to do that I had that time to live like you said you had your best I did
that everything threesomes I've done it I've done all that it don't impress
me seeing all these girls online twerking even being in a club every time I

(29:46):
go to the club I'm like why did I come here like I can't even stand to be around
it sometimes and I'm just like Like, no, this ain't what I want.
I want somebody who's special for me and I'm special for them.
And we are working towards the goals we have in life. Me and this partner.
That ain't for everybody. But even
if it's not marriage, let's say your relationship is going to take work.
How do you work to the point to where y'all get to a point to where,

(30:08):
hey, we want to get married? That's going to take work.
Like I said, it's going on seven years and I...
I know marriage is what I want from this relationship. I know the end goal for me is marriage.
But I just don't see myself at 37 years old just being like,
all right, I'm just going to be outside and dealing with multiple women or even

(30:29):
entertaining a woman's time.
Like, what do you what do you not do? You're not taking women on dates.
You're not going out and enjoying the fragrance of a woman and kicking them with her.
And as you do this, you start to develop a bond.
You start to develop emotions and stuff like that. And like you said, you start having sex.
Now feelings is definitely gonna get involved and how do you and
then do you what do you i'm not sleeping with multiple women it's

(30:50):
not that's some dangerous stuff in 2024 to just
be going around sleeping with multiple people so yeah you want to be
with one person i don't see how people do it
just be out and about doing a bunch of and that and
that does kind of segue us into the next part though like
it seems like our definition of love is kind of tied to
sex in some part for some of us I'm not gonna say that's for everybody I ain't

(31:13):
mention nothing about it it's all up here what I wanna say like for a lot of
like a part of it doesn't have to be all of it but like the definition that's
coming out that somewhere in this for some of us is love and sex.
Surely go now for sure growing up where we grew up we all probably had skewed,

(31:34):
definitions of what it was tied to sex for all of us that's why we all money
making I love you to get this and that and that and what you see and what you
saw and you go get the girl.
And it's just that's just what was shown.
So it took a while for me to make that disconnection. When I hear marriage now,
marriage isn't important to me.

(31:55):
True partnership is important to me. And if marriage is important to my partner,
then marriage is important to me. I just make that whatever that say.
But true partnership at that point. and i
just think it took a while for a lot of
us it is kind of connected to sex
and to kind of make that disassociation that those two just aren't the same

(32:16):
and then my definition of love just altered and shifted that you know what i
mean and it just became something different it's always a learning process and
i'm always here for understanding because this thing is hard And you know what else,
like the thing with marriage, right,
is say, and not just saying you, OG, be married for 30 years and say you go bad.

(32:39):
She going to get half your shit.
That's exactly how it's going to go. Why? But look, why?
I think that's the way it's set up, though. That's the news and media that shows
it on that. That's the way it's set up.
But it's like, look, I'm not going to get married because one day you might
break up. Because if that was a fear of yours, they have things for that.

(33:02):
Prenups and post-nups. So if that was really a thing. But then they feel like
you're being funny if you want a prenup. Then that's not the one for you.
It goes right back to what I'm saying.
I got a girl right now. She assigned my prenup yesterday. Exactly.
That's what I'm saying. He assigned it. She's not worried about that because
there's so much past that.
Let him respond to that. And then, too, what you have to understand, we built what we have.

(33:22):
We built it together. So if we break, then it's half. It don't matter.
She still don't get more than you. So what? I want my.
Why? Y'all not together no more. Let me say this to you. It's your well-being,
not hers. Let me say this to you. I'm going to be really real with you both.
I'm going to be really real with you. And this is coming from,
this is my perspective, and this is me.
See, it ain't going to fail. It ain't going to fail because God ain't going to let me fail.

(33:45):
You follow what I'm saying? My thing is not on me. See, I've been through this
for 30 years, so you have to imagine what I've been through.
It wasn't always like this. It was a buildup of things that I had to go through.
She can have it. I don't even care.
See, it's not even that, but see, it's what he tells me. Man,
material stuff, I didn't have it all, Bo. I didn't have it all.

(34:06):
And I'm not saying that to brag. I've had it all. I've had all the money I needed to.
I need to get rich. I don't need the money anymore. Why? Because that's not life.
That's not what's important to me anymore.
Seeing my son grow is important to me. Amen.
See, seeing other things, it ain't about the money or the cards, that stuff.
The Bible tells me it passes and it goes away. How do I know that?

(34:27):
I know that personally because I've seen it in my life go away.
It didn't mean that. I had all the money. I could do what I want to do.
Women, oh, man, I did. I'm done.
It meant absolutely nothing. There was no essence in it of me being a strong man and who I am today.
I don't mind being broke. I'm going to be real with you.
I'm going to be real with you. And what I mean by broke is I don't need to buy anything else.

(34:54):
I don't need to chase. I've chased and done it all.
The most important thing to me is my sons, my wife, and what's happening with that.
And we'll make it together no matter what because I don't lean on me.
My understanding ain't good, Bo.
My understanding ain't good. I don't lean on my own understanding.
I lean up here. He tells me what to do.
Because if I didn't do what he was telling me, I couldn't even respect women.

(35:16):
I'm going to give you this too, right?
And this, you know, I got to skew the perspectives in a lot of ways, right?
But at the same time, what I can say is, like, I think it's different when you
have somebody that has helped you build that, right?
It's a difference than somebody coming in just trying to leech off of you and

(35:40):
take what you got. That's a different perspective, right?
But when you talk about 30 years, this woman been with this man when he didn't
have it and helping him. And, you know, I understand that because I got an individual
in my life, you know what I'm saying, that really, really got my back.
You know what I'm saying? And I really, really got that individual's back.
And so when it come to that type of situation, like, it's so serious that I

(36:02):
don't care whether I'm with that individual or not.
They got it coming from me because guess what? If I ain't got it,
if I'm on my ankles, she going to go out there and figure out whatever she got to do to help me out.
So what if she ain't got it and you got her back for 30 years and then she divorce
you and still get all your shit? Then what?

(36:23):
I mean, that's a... So do I live in fear? You know what I mean?
I'm just saying, bro. It ain't about living in fear, bro.
It's... Nah, it ain't got nothing to do with fear, my nigga.
It's about... Nigga, the way this shit is set up, nigga, is for them to win
and for you to lose, nigga, at the end of the day. It's ways to protect yourself,

(36:43):
though. That's what you want to do.
That's what you want to do. So I'm telling you right now, you got to out to not have to do that.
Yeah, you could pretend that you see it. I still don't want to hear it.
It's a ball player. It's a ball player. It's a ball player.
It's a famous star. I can't remember who it was. But it's a ball player.
He had this situation where he was trying to get a prenup signed.
I'm signing, I'm signing. Well, Steven Jackson. Steven Jackson.
And then on the day of the wedding, he was like, why you ain't signing it?

(37:05):
And then she brought it up like, I ain't really trying to sign it.
So he said, well, that's what it is.
But he didn't marry her. He didn't marry her because. So I'm saying,
there's a choice that can be made.
But that's a painful process. That's not time. You don't even want to try that
is what I'm saying. And that's time wasted. Like, bro, you just wasted.
So do you want companionship? Do you want companionship with a woman?

(37:26):
Yeah, nigga, who don't? So I'm saying. But nigga, that don't mean I got to be married to her.
That don't mean I got to commit to just her. You know what I'm saying?
We got on marriage. We talking about marriage. We said relationships,
bro. I'm talking about how do you.
I'm saying you don't have to be married to have that person. But his marriage.

(37:47):
Marriage just is a piece of paper. That's an institutional perspective, right?
Do you stay with this person? All right, well, do you stay with this person
for six, seven years unmarried, undocumented, whatever.
You doing that right now. I don't believe in a documented situation anymore.
I'm asking you. But I'm saying you doing it right now.
You working towards a relationship, though. I'm not messing with,

(38:07):
I'm not having the time of my life going out and dealing with a bunch of people.
It's not binary. It's not like either you getting married or you out there running
around doing whatever, whoever. Those are not the two options, right?
I think that's already, the conversation's already left because everybody is
talking about non-marriage.
It's been like talking about going out and gallivanting and then being with
hella women. I think you should be building towards that, like I said.

(38:30):
The conversation we were having was about marriage, not about companionship,
not about long-term partnership.
The conversations and the questions were about marriage.
All right, marriage. I want to throw in what Bo said. You don't just go into
the relationship. I want to throw in what Bo said. What's the point?
Because I don't think we're listening.
Bo said something about we got to hear it. We got to hear this.

(38:51):
Because I don't want to put myself, my stuff on him.
If Bo says it ain't for him, Bo got to know who he is to say this does not work for him.
See, I can't say it's going to work for Bo. I can't say it's going to work for
you. It worked for me. See, I can't say that.
So I don't want to get so heated to where we're arguing about,
hey, Bo says right now it ain't for him.

(39:14):
It may not be for you because everybody's not willing to put in the work.
Everybody's not willing to put in the commitment. And sometimes it's not about
the work. It's about the perspective, right?
I'm just saying that. Because we have different cultural perspectives.
But you got to understand, no matter what it is, it's work involved.
It's going to be work. It's work involved.
But the part I'm talking about, because I don't mean to cut off your wisdom
when I talk about work, I'm not saying that the work, no matter what,
whether you got one, two, three, four, it's work.

(39:36):
You know what I mean? It's work. And the more that you have,
it's more work that you have to do.
When I say cultural perspective, in the West, we into this monogamous relationship, right?
But all over the world, in the majority of the world, polygamy is what's going
on in a lot of these countries.
I couldn't imagine being in a house with two women. Guess what? what uh
just a man having one two three four uh
a chicken and four side chicks right that's not a

(39:58):
polygamous relationship that's a nigga out here fucking a whole bunch
of broads that's what's going on with that because guess what ain't no commitment
to it so you got three four five uh side chicks i'm just running around hitting
y'all i ain't committed i ain't gotta do nothing for you ain't gotta do nothing
for me whatever the case may be that's not a commitment you can do that but
then too you have to understand the end of the day is damage is that there's

(40:19):
a damage that it comes to that.
But, you know, you got to know that for yourself. But once again,
I just want to make it plain. It ain't.
It is not for everybody. Everybody cannot put up with it. I'm still hearing the same thing.
Like, do we want partnership or do we want love and sex? It's not coming from everybody.
I hear what you're saying, but that to me seems, so you say it,
it sounds like you want partnership. Yeah, for sure.

(40:40):
But you don't want to be tied to one woman. No.
Right? So to me, it goes to the sex thing at that point. It's just the sex is
the differentiating factor.
I don't know if that's necessarily true. But one thing I just want to say, I don't know.
I haven't really looked up polygamy, but I just Googled it. according to google
only two percent of the world lives in polygamous households so it's not the
majority of the world and then legality varies around the world but there are

(41:04):
different cultures and religions he's saying that that's that's just what's
recorded but what what we see,
out here is a whole bunch of people hooking up but we're talking about polygamy
so it's like what we see is different from what we know so but all we have to
but i just want to make sure that what we're putting out is a whole lot of hairy
folk but i'm just saying it has to be also Also, another fact that y'all put out,

(41:24):
like, you see, how many people do y'all know, though, unmarried versus married?
That's a hard thing to put together because it fluctuates. I'm talking about
you personally. I'm not talking about... I'll tell you this.
You're talking over time. I'm going to tell you this. So when I first come,
I grew up as a family person, right?
Family was always really important to me. The idea of having a family,
the idea of having a family, getting married, having kids was very important to me, right?

(41:46):
Coming up. So what I did was, just like anything else, you want to be a businessman,
you find business mentors, right? Right. You find people that's doing shit that you want to do.
So you find people in the field you want. It's like how life works. Right.
You want to be a psychologist, find a psychologist, be a mentor.
You want to be a doctor. You find a doctor to be your mentor.
Right. So when I was like, I want to have a family, I was on the lookout.

(42:06):
Families that I said are what they call family goals, marriage goals.
And I wasn't necessarily looking to idolize, but I was trying to find examples
of people who were doing it right. People who I could go to when I start having issues, right?
Like I will call Unc like, hey, I'm going through some stuff.
And if Unc has been able to navigate this 30 years, he's somebody I want to
talk to to say, hey, this is what I'm going through.
Can you help me figure out how to navigate this? But you know what I would say

(42:27):
to you? Because you said something to me.
Yeah. I would first, because see, if we see something and we We think we want it. It may not be for us.
You have to understand that, too. So when you said that, you've seen something
that made you want that. But was that really you?
Right. Exactly. Because it's exactly because we also are getting when we talk
about getting programmed, there's so many different factors to it because it

(42:48):
really is beyond us. Right.
Like we're living in a society that's been dominated by Western white supremacist culture for centuries.
They could come get me because I ain't going nowhere. What age were you married?
Huh? What age? I got married at, how old was I?
I got married in, well, we got together in 2010. I was 24.
Then we got legally married and had the ceremony. It might've been like 2013 or something like that.

(43:11):
So, but the point is, my point is this, is that you're right is, did I really want that?
Or did I feel like it was something that I needed to do because the way I was
raised? And so I don't I can't I don't know if I could really answer that question
because I don't know, but I do know how I feel now and what I could look back
on retro retrospectively looking back on it.
And it's one of those things where it's like there's a lot of beautiful things that came out of that.

(43:32):
Right. There's so many beautiful memories, so many beautiful experiences.
There's so many beautiful things that came out of that. Right.
So I could look back and say that was a beautiful time in my life for what it was, what it was.
Right. And I can say now it's different for me because do I want that again?
Do I want to have that experience again or do I want to try a different experience?

(43:52):
So for me, it's saying now.
At first, I was saying I'd never get married again, right? But I feel like it's
egotistical almost for me to say that because I don't know what tomorrow brings.
I know what today brings.
I know what's happening right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow in 10 years.
So it's possible, but although I feel like it's very unlikely because my desire
is different. I had a desire to get married.

(44:14):
I was dating to find someone to marry.
I was finding somebody to marry to have children. I've been married.
I've had children. Do I want to have kids again?
That's not a commitment that I want to make again is to have children, right?
You see what I mean? So I have a better, and I also understand when we talk
about who you are and why you want the things you want.

(44:34):
At 38, I have a much better perspective about that than I did at 18 and 20 and all that.
So see, the stereotype that we're doing that too early means that we got caught up.
So then if you have bad experiences while you're caught up, then it may not work for you.
And then if it scars you or puts something bad on you, then you don't want to
revisit that again. Again, why? Because it wasn't a good experience.
You follow what I'm saying? I don't know if it's not necessarily a good experience.

(44:58):
But you could have a bad experience, Bo. If you have a bad experience,
then you would say, no, I'm not touching that again.
I don't want to be bothered with that. So once again, the thing is that everybody's
not designed to run into that.
But for me, what I'm saying to all of us, well, I'm old now,
but when you're young, first find you.
Because you can't just jump into Western society and think that this is for

(45:20):
you because this is what you've seen. It may not be cut out for you.
And you got to really know that before you start getting into something.
Because once again, you start hurting people when you put up this fantasy like
this is what we're going to do. And you don't end up doing it.
So you don't want to get to that point. You want to be able to find yourself.
Be fruitful and multiply.
But everybody don't. See, I like you throwing that out there. But guess what?

(45:42):
Everybody cannot do that. But I wouldn't say I had a bad experience.
I had a good experience. No, no, I'm not saying that.
And I know that. No, no, no. Yeah, we wasn't saying that. Everybody can't get through for a multiply.
He has... The point is, Rod, is that if you had a bad experience at a...
I'm not tainted from a bad experience. I just have a different vision on my
life. He has a better understanding of what's going on. But let's just say this.

(46:04):
From the experience that he had too early on is what he's saying. Let me say this to him.
If he knew what he knew now, then we would ask him if he would have did it.
See, that's why I think we're jumping in too soon, too early.
Because if he had that understanding now, he may have said, no, I think I'm good.
He probably still wouldn't have no kids. He probably wouldn't be married now

(46:26):
because he know, like, oh, okay, this is the type of shit that's going to go on.
So he had to go through that to get an understanding, and now he understands.
So he's not as quick to jump into a relationship and want to get married.
Now he is stone cold. I mean, you know. Ah, he telling on you.
No, no, no, no, no. But the thing is, the thing is. He lying.

(46:48):
He lying on six. Nah, nah.
Upstanding citizen of the law. wisdom see it's about getting the wisdom
and understanding about what you're about to jump in but they don't do
that to us they always make us do things fast we always jump
into everything now but that's what they tell you that's what we've
been I mean they teach you that in
the church no but I would say this is that is is
I think it's just I think it's different than I think we're talking

(47:09):
about different things because from where I was at like say
I graduated from college right so I waited till I graduated and
it was a it was conscious right because I wanted a family since
I was I was 18 I said I want a family right but
I waited hold on hold on hold on it's not cultural I
waited I waited and I waited it's I don't even know I couldn't even tell you
what's cultural because that's how disconnected I am from my culture how about

(47:32):
that no so now so now the people I went to high school with that's more in alignment
with the conversation we're having the people I went to college with grew up
in similar neighborhoods but we all made it to in college.
In that group, I was the first for a long time, the only person who got married and had kids.
So it felt very much like a personal decision that I was making to move my life

(47:57):
in the direction I wanted to go in because I had a long-term plan for my life.
It was part of my long-term plan.
And one of the things that I had to contend with was that no matter who you
are and what you're doing, you cannot control other people. You cannot control the future.
You can't really even control the present. All you can control is you,

(48:20):
how you respond to stuff, how you deal with things, and how you deal with other
people and their mistakes.
And, or, or even your own, it's just, it just, to me, that's what it really
goes down to is, are you prepared to deal with a constant flow of things that
you can't control? What you already deal with kind of on a regular basis.
But to me, it's just like a different level of commitment to say I'm going to

(48:41):
be in a partnership or long-term marriage. But I'm not against marriage.
Like I said, I'd be open to getting married again one day if I feel like I get
to that space or meet somebody. Maybe.
I don't know. But I think that the core piece of it is that I don't I wouldn't
necessarily look back and say I was the only thing I say I wasn't really correctly
primed for was having kids.
And not to say that you shouldn't have kids, but I don't know if there's any

(49:04):
way to really get people to understand what it takes to actually raise kids.
Especially as a man, because a lot of men I know and a lot of men who kind of
like would talk to me about raising children and shit like that,
a lot of them have this really skewed perspective.
About what it means to be present in your kids' lives because they're feeling
like, I go be at work all day and you come home, take care, you come home,

(49:25):
play with the kids, and the wife is really doing everything.
So I didn't want that to be that way. So I feel like I was super present in
all of the raising the kids, as much as I could be present.
I wasn't on some like, Like, I'm out, you handle this shit, and I come home,
and I'm only saying that because I also get the sense from a lot of men when
I hear them talk about their partners or their baby mamas and stuff like that.

(49:47):
It's very clear to me that they do not understand what it takes to raise a baby,
especially a newborn or toddler.
Like, they don't really get it. Like, they think women are home,
having fun, playing with the baby and shit like that. It is not that.
Like, that shit is strenuous. That shit is hella hard work. is you're constantly
attending to this baby and people don't really get it.
And I think that was probably the main thing that I didn't really understand going into it.

(50:14):
But I also wasn't a detrimental factor in my life or in our relationship.
That wasn't anything that had a negative impact. It was just something that
I would say I was probably the least prepared for.
Everything else to me, it was just went down to us like you can only really
you really only have power and control of yourself, even if you're on the same.
Everything, everything works until it doesn't. Right. You can have a plan today.

(50:37):
You could be with somebody today. day. I'll be on the same page today.
Anything can happen at any moment that could stray either of you from that path and that plan.
And then you just got to figure out how you're going to deal with it when it
comes up. And to me, it's a very long process.
I mean, you get to decide what you want to put into it. Some people just walk
away and some people suffer through it and some people deal with it.

(50:58):
But I think most people do not successfully deal with it.
So do I go through, Do I just keep going through these phases? Do I deal with people?
Or do I, like I said, stay single, date, or not date, or just be by myself,
especially at our age, just be by myself?
Or do I date, get with somebody, start getting close to them,

(51:19):
develop a feeling, and just back up?
Or do I get to a point where we get to a point in our relationship where things
are hard, we just break up now, and then I get with somebody else,
get to a point where it's all good, because you know what they do?
Like you said, we're just showing the best parts of ourselves in the beginning.
It's the honeymoon phase. we showing the best parts of ourselves but when things
get hard things get rough we supposed to,
get up out of there not just a relationship not just a

(51:40):
marriage but a relationship as well when things get tough oh
i'm breaking up with you on to the next and i'm gonna start dealing with somebody
else i ain't with that like it just that don't seem logical to me like it seemed
like man figure out or die alone or just be alone if you if that is truly what
you desire to just why it don't seem logical though i mean like i said for me
like you said for you Black and white.

(52:04):
It ain't. It ain't just black and white. Your wife ain't just black and white.
But I'm just saying, just give me a second, though. I'm just saying,
it ain't black and white.
If you want to just be, it ain't just black and white, but it's only two things you're doing.
You're either with somebody in a relationship, you're all two together,
or you're single, alone, with companionship. Why do I got to be alone?
You keep attaching shit to it. I'm not saying you.
I'm not saying, I'm not talking about you. In general. But in general, I'm saying in general.

(52:27):
You're dealing with somebody. All right, you're dealing with somebody.
You are going to eventually be alone,
because like you said, you're not going to be with you're not gonna
have a partner it's a lot of married people that's very
alone right now i'm not talking about marriage that's a
fact i'm not saying maybe i'm not
take mary out you you're in relationship so will
you base so you're basing or i'm

(52:50):
gonna just go to eight man relationships marriages i'm gonna just be and i'm
gonna man look if i was women and i was looking at y'all i wouldn't give you
niggas the time of day to keep it a buck because you basically saying like look
it is you are going to get nothing from me but hard and bubble gum if I'm.
Selling this you're not going to get nothing from me at

(53:12):
all but in bubble gum it do go both ways and when I say that it go both ways
right she need to be qualified too because a man shouldn't just be letting any
woman in his face either so know that that goes both ways every woman they deserve
to be why did my statement mean I don't know that I just want to make sure I
clarify I don't know No, why did my statement mean I didn't tell that?
Because the best thing two people can have is understanding.

(53:33):
Like I said, and then look, that statement right there. You took your stance,
I took mine, so I'm going to make sure that I put that in. Let me give you this.
That statement right there. If we don't soul search ourselves to find out who
we are, we won't know what we're ready for.
You got to understand that. Soul search yourself. When you're talking about
things, I say, hey, who are you first?
Who are you and what it is you need to do in this life and what are you called to do?
Figure that out before you start grabbing somebody else, saying what you're

(53:55):
going to do with somebody.
Why don't you find you? See, they never taught us that. They never taught us to find us.
That's what I struggle with. Find this, grab this, grab that.
But they never taught us, hey, who are you?
Are you built to put up with that? Who are you? Do you want to put up with that?
Maybe you don't. Find yourself.
That's where I'm at with it. That's where I'm at with it. I'm not even saying

(54:16):
that he's correct or incorrect. That's all Bo's saying. You ain't wrong.
But it ain't for Eric. That ain't for me. Because you got to take the time to
get to know people. And so what happens if, okay, I'm dating.
I take the time and I get to know you. Okay, so guess what? And then guess what?
It may not work out. You may be that individual.
Date with them. This don't work out. That's right. That's the part of the process.

(54:38):
That's the part of the process. That's life. Now, if you find somebody that
is definitely worthy of your situation and all that, then that's a different
type of situation. But it sounds like he's saying, hey, you're going to find that person.
Y'all are going to fall out. She's going to take all half of your shit, so don't do it.
I'm saying that's what could happen. This is another thing what society does.
You jump into it and hit it too fast before you know who you're hitting.

(55:02):
Okay? By hit, he mean... Sex. Thank you. Okay, so... Make sure they know.
So, so what... Hey, talk about the domestic violence. $2.24.
Definitely got to let people know this is not no bitty. No bitty.
My bad, my bad. But what I'm trying to say is, see, we're not ready for a relationship
because we think, as my nephew said, it's just about, it's about the sex after

(55:23):
a while. And the crazy part is, it's 24 hours in a day.
At the most, you might be, unless you're on pills and stuff,
you're going for out the most.
So 23 hours, what you doing with the rest of your time? So it has to be about
more than sex. Say it again.
I just said that it's only 24 hours in a day. If you're on pills,
you might be longer than that.
But ultimately, what you're doing is when you talk about a sexual situation, maybe an hour.

(55:45):
Yeah, I'm talking about maybe an hour. Just a time frame. So what else is going on?
What else are you doing, though? You know, with your time, like what about the
relationship? What are you building? What are your business ideas?
What is your all that stuff? Some people, they're not doing that.
And we got caught up. And do good because it ain't out there.
A lot of that ain't out there. A lot of somebody that is really like trying

(56:07):
to pour into making you better.
If you find that, get her and treat her amazingly well.
Pour into her as well because when you do that, hey, these women really go to
the end of the world to make sure that you be the man that you are out there
to be. A lot of times, right, the woman is really a reflection.
Now, don't get it twisted. You got a lot of chicks out here. They run a game.

(56:28):
But for real, nine times out of ten, when you find that bitter individual,
it's another man that made her that way.
Because usually she's going to reflect whatever it is.
When a woman really digging you, she going to wrap her whole life around you,
man. Around you, get you the work check, you everything.
Everything she got going on, bro, she's going to try to push you forward,
you know what I mean? And so in getting that type of situation, it's different.

(56:52):
From my perspective of seeing what Bo is saying, it's like the people that's
coming to his table is just there to just take from his table.
Who the fuck are you finding these people at?
That's what I want to know. That's what I'm saying. You got to be better at
finding these people. You got to be around different people or something.
If you constantly run into these people, maybe it ain't just them. Does sex skew things?

(57:15):
For sure. Yes. Okay. All right. So, all right. We all just agreed that sex skews things, right?
It doesn't even change anything. I knew you were going to do that.
That's why I looked at you the whole time.
I know he has to go against that. But dick and problems come out. Sex skills thing.
So to actually be in love with somebody, then it has to be without sex, then.

(57:39):
Right? We all disagreed. I know you were going.
All I'm going to say is that sex is a part of the whole equation.
It is. But to your point is, we over rely on physical intimacy.
Way too early, so that I think is a whole nother thing that I was saying,
but like, that this is, a lot of our definitions of love have a strong baseline in sex.

(58:03):
And women. Which is wrong.
Women, and women attach emotions to sex too, so. They do. So who?
Men do too. Men do too. But differently.
Hold on. Let RJ finish. Let RJ finish. Let RJ finish. Let him finish.

(58:27):
No, that was just. You know what I'm saying? That was just my.
That's the emotion. To me, the sex is on a baseline of a lot of what we're talking about.
So for you to even have a true understanding or a beginning for somebody,
you have to not have sex with them.
I can tell you now that ain't happening. you know what you know what i'm saying so that's
gonna be i want to add in one piece you feel what i'm saying so that's the

(58:48):
part that i think i'm even i had to get the
first part out to be even on the ground because such had such a baseline for
us that we didn't even realize so to be on the ground to even start in the conversation
we it needed to be with somebody that we like didn't in that women know it's
hard because you can you can always go back and train somebody sexually to to

(59:10):
be committed to you in that way.
But the problem is, see, then I ask you, where are we?
Where are we? No, no, just where are we?
This, this is my definition. We're in Babylon. What does that mean?
This is such a perverted nation.
All they do is sell sex. Everything is based on sex.

(59:33):
And so we really, truly, a lot of times, don't get to know the partner or the
woman we're dealing with because sex, as you say, is in the forefront.
And as Silk just said, he just said, okay, that's being used too much.
And see, now we have to learn how do we back out of that? Now it's about reprogramming.
I got to get out of that mindset.
If I'm going to find somebody really got my back and behind me,

(59:54):
I got to get away from the sex. Wow.
But this is what I'm saying. Commitment, loyalty, honesty, truth,
trustworthy. Those things come first. And if they're not first, then what do we have?
Something you said that I think for me is what I think about in the context
of this conversation, where I'm at is, it's the soul searching.
Because you also could lose yourself in a relationship. And that happens a lot.

(01:00:15):
And I think that at some point I lost myself in a relationship.
I mean, I could even look at photos, family photos.
And I could look at the photo and I look at my face in the photo.
And I don't recognize who that is in the photo. That's huge.
And so when you say that, so that's why I could say is that I'm not going to
say I'll never get married again. I won't say, fuck no.
But I will say that now it's not something that is even on my radar because

(01:00:39):
I have to re-find who I am because I did lose a big part of myself in that process.
And all the brothers around here have known me that whole time and they've known
different parts of me. You knew me before and after.
You don't really knew me before and after. You knew me before.
You only knew me after, mostly after. so I'm they know a different part not
a better part they know a different part but I say but I say but I say this

(01:01:02):
is if I so I say this is and for me it is it's how,
are we willing to expand and when we talk about not listening we've had a lot
of this is our what fifth conversation,
and there's been a few podcasts where there's been no listening and I know that
because I'm chopping the clips up but I say today one thing I realized is that
a lot of times when that happens is because

(01:01:23):
a lot of times a different Our values and our beliefs drive our actions, right?
And when we have difference of opinions on topics like this that are really
important, it's hard to listen because there's a part of us that becomes defensive, right?
Because when we disagree, it's not just disagreeing with an opinion.
It's disagreeing with the way I'm living my life, the way that I'm moving.

(01:01:45):
And so I want to get married, but you saying marriage ain't shit.
That's personal. Or you don't want to get married.
I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? And you're like, wait, why you?
You know? So it becomes. So it's actually, it's less about that we can't listen.
Listen, it's more about us as men, I think, trying to let go of our egos a little
bit so that we don't be as defensive about things that we don't agree with.

(01:02:06):
And that's something I've learned over the last few years because that's allowed
me to say, like, you know, I could hear I hear what you're saying.
And so when you said that, it hit me because I was like, yeah,
I'm soul searching right now. So for me to get into a relationship would be
irresponsible at this point.
It would be damaging and it'd be reckless.
And I also think a part of this is based on love, though.

(01:02:26):
Right because when we hear bo say he doesn't want
to be married we hear sometimes like bro
you can't be happy and not be married bro we want the best
for you bro i'm singing that's really you see what i'm saying it's like i'm
doing the flowers i'm being a flower boy and i'm fucking singing our definitions
are still wrong they might not be right or wrong they're all different not saying
right or wrong but when we hear it it's like you don't want to be married that's

(01:02:50):
crazy because Because that's happiness for us in our definition.
Let me give us happiness. Happiness is really when you find yourself.
That's right. Happiness is really when you find yourself. When you find yourself,
then you'll know how to extend. How are you going to extend?
If I'm going to extend in a relationship, if I'm going to get married,
see, they've taken that away. Brothers, they've taken that away from us.

(01:03:13):
And that's why we're all confused. That's why we go through all these things
and make all these mistakes. Why? Because you never found yourself in the first place. Who are you?
You never found yourself. Find you and then you'll know who you are.
Do I want to be committed to that or not? Find you.
We always, we're jumping ahead, but they programmed us. I'm sorry.
We got programmed and we got done.
And to me, the only way I can really get right, I like, I really like what you

(01:03:33):
said. The only way I can really understand this and get back is to first go and search my own soul.
First, I got to go back and find
me. Then I can go forward. But without finding me, how can I go forward?
I'm just going on the whim of my mind of what everybody else is doing.
But I haven't went inside to see who am I and what am I supposed to be doing
here? We ain't doing that. So we got done.
But the good news is we can't get reprogrammed.

(01:03:56):
And the crazy part is once you find yourself, you have to find somebody else
who is able to find himself.
And so then the pool is a shallow pool.
You fly fishing in a bathtub. That's what you're doing at that point.
And I think the reason why that's important to note is because it makes things
more difficult because not just how we've been programmed, but our entire society

(01:04:20):
is designed around making profit off of you being lost.
So once you get found, there's no profit.
You want to know one simple Dayton little question I would ask?
And that's after kind of going through some stuff because we understand it.
So one of the basic ones was, have you been therapized? Right.
Therapized. Have you been therapized? I hit him with the word. Have you been?

(01:04:40):
Been and they would look because if you ain't been to therapy i'm i'm in
therapy we not about to connect at all right now i'm not
like that was just therapy i'm like are you in therapy
you know what i mean i was just one step of it have you ever been because if
you haven't i'm telling you now we ain't got nothing to talk about because i've
been here now i know a little bit more i'm not where i need to be but i'm a
little bit bad so and if you ain't been there i know you ain't let me read this

(01:05:05):
definition real quick and i think this is important because
this in the entire process you know bell hooks is like
a very i feel like uh especially with men men don't really read
bell hooks and bell hooks is such as such an important mind that we i feel like
don't really appreciate in ways that we can still you know like the the the
writings and readings are still out there and she wrote a book called all about

(01:05:26):
love which i'm doing a separate program about but i just want can i read a little
excerpt from there she says uh.
To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one
way in which anyone using the word
in this matter automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.
We are often taught that we have no control over our feelings.

(01:05:47):
So that's important because it takes it. What you've talked about is you take
it from just a feeling to an action. You control your actions.
Sometimes you could say, I can't control my feelings, but you can control your actions.
Then later they talk about how there's no concrete definition of love that is
being used by society as a collective.
So we are often speaking of love, unrealized that we are referring to different

(01:06:07):
things, meaning we all have different definitions.
The failure in communication is keeping us from having productive discussions
about the ethics of love. The definition being the will to nurture one's own
or another's spiritual growth.
Love, in a sense, is being used here as something that's active.
And then she later on goes to say that to truly love means we must learn to

(01:06:31):
mix various ingredients.
Care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust,
as well as honest and open communication.
So I just put that out there to say that when we're talking about love,
I feel like it's helpful for us to say this is what we're all talking about.
Out so wherever we have a we have a definition we can go back to
and say when we say love that's what we mean and then
too i just spoke to all parts of it and then

(01:06:53):
too if you don't practice that if that's not practiced it
ain't gonna happen for you so those things have to be practiced and understood
and they have to become inside your system that you recognize them before you
go forward that's part of knowing who you are part of soul searching yourself
see we've been man once again i'm repeating this but we gotta back up and deprogram
man that's if you keep saying it,

(01:07:15):
We really don't know how to listen to these things have to be practiced.
These are, they didn't, they just got us over just doing everything quick.
No, man, everything has to slow back down. Cause I got to find out who I really,
can I take this in my bill for this?
Yeah. And we got to know if we dealing with ready-made individuals,
like that kind of is a fantasy in a sense.

(01:07:37):
Everybody it's gonna take work you gonna take work
i got a lot of work you know any hundred percent people at not
at not one 99 not one see you
saucy right you saucy no but like you saucy but just it's just a hundred percent
complete and perfect right so it's because guess what if you that we talking
about a a a body of water right a body of water that is not moving right right,

(01:08:02):
only contains death, man.
It's stagnant. You need water that is moving, man. If water is moving, it contains life, life.
So guess what? You have to continue to grow.
That's just how life goes. And so a lot of time, men, right,
you looking for this ready-made individual, this perfect woman,
gorgeous, intelligent, got all her stuff together, and you might get a mixture

(01:08:23):
of some of them elements. Can you deal with that?
You know, and likewise, it goes the other way, right?
Can you, As a woman, can you deal with having a man that's not a ready-made
individual? And that's something that you have to ask yourself.
But then it goes back to what I was saying, too. If you don't find yourself,
then none of these things are going to happen.
You're going to grab people. You're going to grab things. You're going to have experiences.

(01:08:44):
And sometimes people are not mature or developed enough to even go through these
things, but you don't know.
And like you say, everybody needs some kind of therapy to get some of that baggage
out that you have so you don't bring that to the table.
I'll just close out my pieces. I think one of the core pieces is because,
to Unc's point, we're so lost as a people.
We so over-rely on sex and sexuality in terms of how we define and how we engage in relationships.

(01:09:10):
And I think a lot of that has to do with, you ready, Western white supremacist.
50 culture it is but you
get my point is like you know we come from really communal spaces and
i think that like even when we think about western european culture
it's very like individualized it's very based on isolation like everybody wants
their own house want their own room they want all this separation and what it

(01:09:32):
does it creates this this uh desire this need for contact for love and i saw
a lot of people look for that through sex but sex is i think at that point at
that point When they're using sex that way,
we don't realize it, but sex is just another drug.
It's like alcohol. We run to weed. We run to alcohol.
We run to gambling. We run to sex to fulfill a void that we have that all those

(01:09:55):
voids are driven by this Western society.
And so I think we do need to figure out a way to engage in healthy sexual behavior,
which doesn't mean like for me, that doesn't mean like being with one person only being to me.
Me sexuality has is expansive but there's healthy ways
to engage with it that when it's not being used to
fill a void you know why sex is so oversold why

(01:10:17):
it's so pushed and all of that on us because sexual energy
is our most powerful energy sustaining from it we become
more powerful and we become more connected to our higher selves
from withstanding from sex that's why they push it
on us so much and that's why everything is so over sexualized
and the world is so hyper sexualized today
I personally do not connect love

(01:10:40):
and sex together like it's not like oh I love you based on
your sexual performance or oh I gotta be in or we got to be in love to be having
sex for me sex is more of activity like yes it is sexual connection you got
feelings towards it but I'm like bro it's so much more we do together bigger
than our than the sex part of it.

(01:11:03):
Yeah, we got it. I do got to be sexually attracted to you. And I do have to
have a sex drive with you.
But I'm like, man, I want so much more from you than you sexually.
Like it has to be more. You said, what can you do for me? What a woman can do
for me has nothing to do with her sexually.
What I require from a woman and that I get like I just require somebody like

(01:11:24):
you said, loyal, got my back and is loyal to me and is loyal to what we have.
Have our plans together, our goals together.
You loyal to that and you committed to seeing us as a family,
our kids grow and strive together.
I'm with that. And that's what me personally, that ain't for everybody.
Everybody ain't going to have that.
But young men, before you approach a young woman, know thyself.

(01:11:49):
Know thyself. Know what you want. Know what you are willing to accept and know
what you are willing to give.
You have to be willing to compromise. Compromise a relationship is not something
you go in thinking, oh, my, my, my, I'm going to get it my way.
Everything has to be my way or the highway. You have to be willing to compromise.
But the most important thing I think we spoke about today is what OG broke down. Finding yourself.

(01:12:12):
Knowing yourself is what's going to make you the best version of yourself for someone else.
You can't be good for nobody if you ain't good for yourself.
And in a relationship, I do kind of agree with that. Hey, if I'm in a relationship,
you sucking from me if I ain't all the way together.
If I can't do me and I can't be who I am, you is sucking from me.
So until you ready to be with somebody and y'all intertwine y'all lives together

(01:12:37):
and it's not just me no more, go be you. Go do you, man.
Get yourself together. Find yourself. You feel me? Oh.
See, pick up. You want to give something to the, you know what I'm saying?
I see you had it. I see you had it. I see you had it.
But now, we're all giving from our definition of love.
It's all love. Go ahead. And I'm just saying, like, at the end of the day,

(01:12:59):
marriage ain't for everybody.
And like you and OG said, you know, you got to find yourself.
So but you got to you got to take the time, figure yourself out and and and
know that you might not want to be married or you might want to be married.

(01:13:19):
But if you got to straddle the fence, no ditty.
But if you got to straddle the fence and try to figure it out or figure out
or strategize a plan or whatever it is, then that's what you got to do.
But i'm not saying that i'm
just all the way shut off from relationships and all
of that i'm just saying that i don't think it's
for me personally and if it's

(01:13:42):
anybody out there that feel like me then that's a
valid feeling and and yeah man
that's that's just what it is man i feel
the same way as far as finding yourself but you
just gotta you gotta you gotta make what how
you got to make it happen for you the best way you know how and not
fall into that systemic trap or whatever they call it yeah sure um the the number

(01:14:08):
one reason that most marriages fail is finances this is statistically proven
right and so young men i say to you first and foremost right.
Just reiterating what they have already said get yourself together everything
ain't about money But get yourself together, right?
Young men, old men, whatever the case may be, we got to get ourselves together because in reality.

(01:14:33):
You make the situation harder for yourself because these women,
they have expectations when you go into these relationships.
And it's like, listen here, little mama, I'm on the ground. So if you think
I'm going to be taking you here and taking you there, yeah, you a foodie,
you like to eat. Well, guess what?
I'm stacking my paper. So what that goes to, right, it creates a problem in
the relationship you have because your principles ain't the same.

(01:14:55):
She's OK in her life with just spending money however. And if she feels she
deserves that, ain't nothing wrong with that from her perspective.
But if you feel you can't do that, then don't fool yourself trying to chase
somebody else's dream, right, to hold on to something. Get yourself together.
That's very important. And there are individuals who will come into the situation,
see where you at, and be like, okay, I'm rocking with that.

(01:15:15):
If I have to sacrifice for us to get to where we're going, then that's what's
up. to me, the most important thing, one of the most important things,
because there's many facets in a relationship, one of the most important things is loyalty.
And that comes from my own trauma and experiences, right?
From me being the only bird that can't fly, which is a jailbird,
you know, and me having a lot of people constantly in and out of my life,

(01:15:36):
because I chose to do things that took me away from society, right?
So I can't knock nobody not wanting to stay down with an individual being in
prison. But at the same time, right, Right.
Loyalty is something big. So when you have someone in your life that's that
they being loyal to you, then you got to be loyal to them.
And that's a male relationship with a male.
That's your homie. You got to be loyal to people that's loyal to you.

(01:15:57):
You got to be loyal to your woman.
You have to be loyal to good people, man. If they really got your back and they
and they speaking life into you and they trying to cheer you on and want to
see you win, then be loyal to that.
Reciprocate that that that loyalty. And guess what? I mean, this is going to rub some of y'all wrong.
But loyalty don't always mean faithfulness either yeah I
know you don't want to hear that little mama I know y'all don't want to hear that

(01:16:19):
but loyalty don't always mean faithfulness because it's
about your perspective my perspective I don't have a
western mindset so I don't think like the majority of the people that's
out here that has this ideology that came
from white supremacists and all of this type of type of stuff that's cool
what's cool for you may not necessarily be cool for me but one
thing for sure if you messing with me and you know what's going on you can count

(01:16:41):
on me to always have your back and be there for them tough times and in times
in life and so i just leave it at that man but uh stay down man if you want
a relationship is for you then
you do that and if not hey man say man i think i want a girlfriend now.
And i will say love don't pay to rant neither does patelco but go ahead.

(01:17:07):
Ain't nobody gonna catch that one. That's a good one. Bastards. So I'ma hop back on.
When you say faithfulness, again, you meant sex, right? Definitely. That's what, right?
Okay, so I'm going to go back to that. I'm going to go back to that. More than one way to...
There's more than one, but I'm asking for him. Him, you're right.

(01:17:28):
Okay. Touche. I got you. Touche.
What I heard from him was a sly around the sex. Am I not tripping, right?
So I'm going to go right back to what I'm saying. Because I'm talking about
faithfulness. And that's what I'm going to talk about the kid.
It's not for that yet, but I can see what... Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead. So my thing to the kid is going to be right back to some things that's not taught.
We have to learn love...

(01:17:51):
And sex and differentiate between the two.
And the sooner we can differentiate that sex piece and understand it,
I think the sooner we clear up a whole lot of things.
Because again, it's the baseline on a lot of stuff that we talk about,
especially as it relates to relationships.

(01:18:11):
And it's just not supposed to be.
So I agree with everybody in here, young man, young wump, go out and find yourself first.
But I also want us to realize because
we grow up, especially in the urban community, we grow up really fast.
And that connection between love and sex, almost we use synonymously across the board.

(01:18:32):
And we shouldn't. And we shouldn't. And it's not.
The person who truly loves you ain't gonna care about sex at the end of the day.
It's not gonna matter. Once you really kind of get a better understanding.
You'll understand how much the sex Sex really just, of the big picture, isn't big at all.
You know, so it matters. We need it. We're sexually attracted.

(01:18:54):
I understand it. But I want us to start to differentiate and get an understanding.
We hear everybody tell the young ladies that your body is a temple.
It is. Young men, your body is also a temple. Your energy is also important.
Who you give it to also matters. And you're so damn special,
you shouldn't be giving it to everybody.
Everybody and you don't they don't tell it to us so

(01:19:17):
if you didn't hear from anybody you gonna hear from me
you are special young men your bodies are temples you are important only share
that energy with people who really truly deserve it and if you don't know the
answer to that then that means they don't deserve it i promise you you're gonna
know so that is my little one thing one thing,

(01:19:40):
I talked a lot. So I'm going to just read this poem real quick and then we'll
let you close out. That's cool.
Close us out since you've been married 30 years. You got the most wisdom.
You do. No, I'm serious. I'm serious.
I'm serious. You two under the table.

(01:20:03):
But I do really think so. Was it the sauce? The sauce.
It wasn't the sauce. It wasn't the sauce. No, but I do think that there's something
valuable about that. And I think that you being the elder in the room and being
married 30 years is really important because I think it's a perspective none of us have.

(01:20:25):
So I think to me, I think that's the best perspective to close with is the I've
been there, done that, and this is where I'm at.
So I'm going to read a poem from a Sufi poet named Khalil Gibran,
and then I'm going to kick it to you. Got it. Okay.
So I like this. I ran across this book on accident.
I was like, you know, I don't remember what age I was. I was like 21.
And I'm like, I need to start reading so I can be smart. and I went and found

(01:20:47):
this book on Clarence. What's this book?
Plug it next time.
No, no, no. So this book is called The Prophet by Khalil Gibran,
and the entire book is a poet.
So the book is a poem, and it touches on different subjects.
So this is a section on marriage.
They ask him about marriage, and so he's a prophet, and so he kind of shares his views on it.

(01:21:11):
And this has always stuck with me, so I want to share it with folks out there.
This is my parting message on top of what other people have shared.
They said, what of marriage, master? And he answered saying,
you were born together and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
I, you shall be together even in a silent memory of God.

(01:21:33):
But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup. Give one another your bread,
but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

(01:21:56):
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music,
give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts, and stand together,
yet not too near together.
For the pillars of a temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow,
not in each other's shadow.
So when I think about love, marriage, and partnership, that's a lot of what

(01:22:19):
has kind of rooted me in terms of what I'm thinking about when I think about,
am I in a space where I can be in a space like that with somebody?
And the other challenge is once you find yourself, how do you find somebody
else who's also in that space? And that both of those are really.
Big challenges be fearful of finding somebody

(01:22:40):
who has not found themselves or do i go out in this
world be fearful that i may not find
somebody i may have to do some work i don't know but this life thing we don't
got the answers man i see on tiktok they think that we sitting up here we think
we got the answers because we decided to sit up here and start speaking freely
this is therapy for me personally for me i get to come up here i get to holler

(01:23:02):
at older gentlemen get to get some game.
I get to sit back, especially when I do get to listen, because when I play it
back, I can hear everything from everybody.
I learn. So I appreciate all y'all here, because I get to sit back and I get
to watch. I don't know if y'all peep, but this time, I was sitting back.
I was trying to talk and stuff like that, but I was really just sitting back,
trying to listen, trying to see if I can train myself to listen.

(01:23:24):
I came from kicking it with y'all, so I appreciate y'all for that.
That's the part about this that I think is the dopest. We learning each
and every episode we learning so when we
do have those parts of what we ain't listening because we
we hearing somebody speak about our personal
stuff or it sounds personal because we like you said we living in that this

(01:23:44):
is us a lot of us for the first time hearing this and
and learning and getting to do this i think this was
the best one we had thus far as far as
us having different agreement different opinions on
situations but actually sitting and listening hearing each other
out we had a whole bunch of different opinions but
we all sat and gave each other the floor and heard each
other out this time so i want to tell y'all i'm proud of y'all this is

(01:24:07):
growth for me sitting back i'm proud of y'all i'm part
of y'all i'm proud of y'all like no i'm thrilled
as a whole i'm proud of this this is the
brother says something because i know og about to close us out
when we talk about this situation right the love
business whatever it's the same in a sense right you could
be scared you done been hurt two three times that's that's

(01:24:28):
a part of life right you know i mean you're gonna get hurt things
gonna happen in life you don't just when you want to be a businessman guess
what you're gonna fail a million times the difference between the.
Master and the novice is that the master has failed
more times than the novice even tried so guess what
you might have been hurt two three times man go try
it again man it be like that if it's for

(01:24:48):
you if it's for you and that's what you want don't be
afraid to get hurt by that situation because guess what if you
want to make money out here you can't be afraid to take a
risk chances make champions come on up that's right i want
to get married now the difference between
the master and the novices the master has failed
more times than the novice tried this nigga be dropping them i hope y'all picking

(01:25:11):
it up but i think the important thing is that it's a constant journey so even
where you are i know you're still in you're still on a journey too you just
said a different part so we're always learning and like i said it always you
know i've been in a lot of spaces where people think they got it figured out
because it's good right now.
But everything is temporary. And so the real important piece is when you get

(01:25:31):
challenged, when you get tested, what's next for you, right?
Like you might think you got it all figured out today, and in three months when
I come back and everything in your life is different. But then you get tested
again. You get tested again. So you're always being tested.
So I think that's the most important lesson I've learned the last five years
is that no matter what situation you are, what path you take,
this path or that path, you're always going to be getting tested.

(01:25:53):
And so life is really about how you respond to those moments.
So I'm going to kick it to you to close us off. I feel like Biggie lied to us.
He said, more money, more problems. I'm broken. I still got more problems.
So I feel like Biggie was lying.
It happened to me. I follow that. Yeah, we're in constant learning stages,
and we have to kind of stay there.
Once again, you know, through all this time I had being married, I didn't know myself.

(01:26:14):
You know, so once again, you got to go find you. Find you and who you are.
And that's important for the young people because you're just jumping into things.
And, you know, you're following the trend. You're following things,
and you don't really know who you are.
We have to take space to figure out who am I and what am I doing.
I have to take space before I take on somebody else that I don't even know.

(01:26:35):
I got to be, am I at peace with myself that I can take something from somebody
else? Where am I in this state?
So love is a big thing, and I found it from God, because when I give it to God,
then I don't try to intellectually try to figure this out on my own,
because I'm going to be honest with you, as long as I've been married,
I can't do this by myself.

(01:26:55):
This is not a by-myself situation where I got to ask God. And that's me.
I have to ask God for the instructions because, see, I don't know my wife, but he does.
And I have to go to him because I—let me just throw this out there.
I remember my wife, you know, she liked the flowers.
I'll never forget this because it happened. My wife liked the flowers. I hated flowers.
So I wanted to buy her everything else. I'll buy you a bag. I'll buy you some shoes.

(01:27:19):
I'll pay your car note. I'll do whatever.
And God told me to go buy the flowers. And I heard it.
So what I did was I went and bought the flowers, and I seen her reaction.
And I said to myself, you got to be kidding me. Flowers?
That don't make sense. So, you see, no, we don't. And my understanding is,

(01:27:42):
see, I got to go to another source because I wouldn't have never did it if God
wouldn't have gave it to me.
So then not just that. So then one day I decided to go take the flowers to her job.
Oh, my God. When I took her to her job, all the women came out the back.
Oh, your husband. Oh, your husband. And I'm like, oh, we're dead flowers.

(01:28:03):
But what he was showing me was it ain't to your understanding that you know this.
I created. Come to me, and I'll figure it out for you because you can't do it.
I come from a place where, no, I'll get your bag, the money, what you want.
No, he said, buy the flowers. It changed my whole life with her.
You understand what I'm saying?
So what I'm saying is we got to back up and soul search ourselves and ask for

(01:28:26):
the correction of what it is we need to find the truth in life.
But first find you, because that's a journey within itself, is to find your
own self, your own peace, who you are, and why am I here?
We got to find that, brothers. We're not doing that. Young people, you're not doing that.
You're doing everything else, trying to chase everything else other than who
am I when you look in the mirror.
And if you don't look at yourself in the mirror to

(01:28:48):
find out who you are as a people we're going
to always be lost because we'll never find who we
truly really are and that's
a word from the player circle go ahead we didn't talk about love languages how
that but that's a part of our communication so that was i mean but it's even
just saying love languages is saying the way that you understand and receive

(01:29:11):
love a lot of times we like to project the way we read love on other
people and i was i really appreciate you sharing that because it's saying the
way you express love is not the way she wanted to receive it so once you were
open to how she received it once you just did that it was it changed everything
so it was that's just it's really about a deep level of communication so i appreciate
you sharing that yes camel backing off with the brother just said too right

(01:29:33):
you never run as far or as fast than when you run it from yourself.
So get to know you and with that you know this is the player circle podcast
but we don't try to fit a square into the circle.
You come here to get deprogrammed and reprogrammed so we can get with deprogrammed.
And with that, it's a wrap. I'm going to holla.

(01:30:00):
Music.

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S1 Ep 4: Love, Relationships, and Finding Yourself: A Deep Dive

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