Enduring Love: Navigating Challenges and Changes with Val Creager | Ep. 7

In this heartfelt episode of Real Lives of TBI Wives, host Erika Brouillette is joined by Val Creager, who shares her moving journey through love, tragedy, and transformation after her husband’s life changed forever in a 2019 traumatic brain injury (TBI).

Val walks listeners through their love story, raising children together, and the devastating accident that reshaped everything. She opens up about navigating health crises, financial instability, and the emotional toll of becoming a full-time caregiver while holding her family together. Val speaks with clarity and courage about the tools that helped her survive the storm—therapy, mental health support, caregiving advocacy, and the unshakable power of resilience and community.

This episode is a powerful reminder that even in the aftermath of trauma, there is space for healing, love, and forward movement.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Hey friends.
Welcome to real lives of TBI Wives, the podcast that gets real about the challenges, heartache and strength it takes to be a wife and caregiver after traumatic brain injury.
I'm roulette wife, caregiver, and advocate here to remind you that you are not alone.
This life may not look the way you planned, but together we'll find ways to navigate it with resilience, support, and maybe even a little laughter.

(00:27):
I'm so glad you're here. 6 00:00:31,455.011337868 --> 00:00:32,55.011337868 All right. 7 00:00:32,85.011337868 --> 00:00:42,815.011337868 I have Val Krieger here today And I am really excited, to hear her story So val, I want you to get started, telling us how you and your husband met. 8 00:00:44,35.011337868 --> 00:00:45,595.011337868 It's a really fun story. 9 00:00:45,655.011337868 --> 00:00:48,865.011337868 I was driving through my neighborhood and saw him working. 10 00:00:49,430.011337868 --> 00:00:51,380.011337868 With his crew on someone's yard. 11 00:00:51,380.011337868 --> 00:00:53,240.011337868 I needed some yard work done at the time. 12 00:00:53,240.011337868 --> 00:01:01,150.011337868 I had a photo studio in a separate area of my home and wanted spaces that were, great for backgrounds outside. 13 00:01:01,370.011337868 --> 00:01:04,630.011337868 so I just stopped and Asked if he did yard work, he laughed. 14 00:01:04,630.011337868 --> 00:01:10,470.011337868 It was a silly question 'cause he is, it was like raining, he's covered in weeds and holding a weed, trimmer But, he is no. 15 00:01:11,700.011337868 --> 00:01:15,490.011337868 And that's how we met, became friends. 16 00:01:15,580.011337868 --> 00:01:21,60.011337868 And from there, really just talked about being self-employed and businesses. 17 00:01:21,110.011337868 --> 00:01:26,150.011337868 we were friends for a few years And then, slowly started dating. 18 00:01:26,150.011337868 --> 00:01:35,270.011337868 I was, recently separated and I had a son who was five they met, but they met, 'cause he was working on my yard. 19 00:01:35,960.011337868 --> 00:01:42,170.01133787 And so my son would go out and wanna help with different things like moving rocks and cleaning things in the yard. 20 00:01:42,800.01133787 --> 00:01:49,250.01133787 But I was pretty protective of him, my son, and wanting to not have any kind of revolving door. 21 00:01:49,935.01133787 --> 00:01:57,255.01133787 Of people that I was dating in and outta my life and I wasn't ready to get in a serious relationship. 22 00:01:57,255.01133787 --> 00:02:02,925.01133787 we were friends Started going out a lot as friends, then dating, but dating other people. 23 00:02:02,975.01133787 --> 00:02:07,575.01133787 then around 2009, realized that this was it. 24 00:02:07,605.01133787 --> 00:02:10,955.01133787 We were the best of friends, we could say anything. 25 00:02:11,520.01133787 --> 00:02:15,850.01133787 More so than when you're dating because you might, hurt someone's feelings, we said it all. 26 00:02:15,850.01133787 --> 00:02:17,50.01133787 And that was really cool. 27 00:02:17,420.01133787 --> 00:02:20,520.01133787 we worked together on a lot of things in our businesses. 28 00:02:20,520.01133787 --> 00:02:28,610.01133787 And so we decided, we had both been married, decided we're not going to get married right away because, that's not really the sign of a commitment. 29 00:02:28,610.01133787 --> 00:02:30,20.01133787 A commitment is more than that. 30 00:02:30,70.01133787 --> 00:02:32,140.01133787 It's staying with someone through thick and thin. 31 00:02:32,905.01133787 --> 00:02:42,955.01133787 We basically decided we were going to be committed, have this committed relationship, and I had one son and he had no kids, we decided we wanted to start a family. 32 00:02:42,955.01133787 --> 00:02:48,655.01133787 So we had our daughter in 2011, and then we got married in 2013. 33 00:02:49,195.01133787 --> 00:02:56,215.01133787 when I got married before my grandma, who was my best friend in the world, my grandparents were almost like parents or second parents for me. 34 00:02:56,605.01133787 --> 00:02:58,45.01133787 They couldn't come to my wedding. 35 00:02:58,405.01133787 --> 00:03:07,460.01133787 my grandfather was ill with cancer and my husband kinda he was gonna try to have a secret wedding, which is so silly when I look back on it. 36 00:03:07,460.01133787 --> 00:03:09,590.01133787 'cause you're gonna surprise someone with a wedding. 37 00:03:09,590.01133787 --> 00:03:16,70.01133787 he talked to me about it and we decided this was a great idea and an opportunity to have my grandparents present. 38 00:03:16,100.01133787 --> 00:03:19,150.01133787 They were married 72 years, it was really important to me. 39 00:03:20,490.01133787 --> 00:03:23,615.01133787 so then we we're planning our wedding very short. 40 00:03:24,330.01133787 --> 00:03:27,640.01133787 because, we were gonna be down near them in two weeks. 41 00:03:27,640.01133787 --> 00:03:35,590.01133787 And then my grandfather went on hospice, so he changed our plans and decided to, get married right there in their house on their patio. 42 00:03:35,900.01133787 --> 00:03:42,500.01133787 He had his hospice bed out there and we got married there and he passed away three days after our wedding. 43 00:03:43,940.01133787 --> 00:03:44,720.01133787 But they were there. 44 00:03:45,440.01133787 --> 00:03:52,660.01133787 so from there, we decided we wanted to add to our family and we just started trying again right away. 45 00:03:52,710.01133787 --> 00:03:59,504.01133787 I had miscarriage, which is another whole story, another podcast, but, probably had seven miscarriages. 46 00:03:59,594.01133787 --> 00:04:03,854.01133787 The latest one was in the second trimester, which was really hard. 47 00:04:04,524.01133787 --> 00:04:14,684.01133787 it was such a testament to how close we were already because we made it through that and we were dealing with so much emotionally, both of us and physically me. 48 00:04:15,669.01133787 --> 00:04:20,899.01133787 also with a new baby and my older son and, co-parenting with his dad. 49 00:04:20,899.01133787 --> 00:04:21,559.01133787 It was a lot. 50 00:04:21,659.01133787 --> 00:04:25,229.01133787 he still had his business and I took a step back from mine. 51 00:04:25,229.01133787 --> 00:04:30,509.01133787 mostly stayed home with the kids and supported him Then we found out why I was having so many miscarriages. 52 00:04:30,509.01133787 --> 00:04:38,439.01133787 They thought it was just 'cause I was old, which I am, but it was, a blood clotting disorder and that was the reason. 53 00:04:38,489.01133787 --> 00:04:47,669.01133787 there's this whole protocol that you go through the second time we did IVF and went through the protocol, we had our son in 2017. 54 00:04:49,34.01133787 --> 00:04:53,474.01133787 our kids are pretty spread apart, we are really blessed to have all of 'em and. 55 00:04:53,804.01133787 --> 00:04:57,74.01133787 The baby keeps us young and the oldest one keeps us. 56 00:04:57,324.01133787 --> 00:05:04,859.01133787 I always say it's so nice to have the perspective of having an adult child and a child who's still in first grade because you realize how short these years are. 57 00:05:04,979.01133787 --> 00:05:08,339.01133787 And so it gives us good perspective on both ends. 58 00:05:08,949.01133787 --> 00:05:11,79.01133787 we're here to talk about, TBIs. 59 00:05:11,79.01133787 --> 00:05:13,269.01133787 And that was not until 2019. 60 00:05:13,639.01133787 --> 00:05:16,219.01133787 In 2019, he was at work. 61 00:05:17,359.01133787 --> 00:05:29,459.01133787 Yes, in 2019, he had this landscape company and that summer he had been brainstorming ways to, grow the company again without having his hands in it quite so much. 62 00:05:29,509.01133787 --> 00:05:32,369.01133787 He wanted to, have it be a little bit more passive income. 63 00:05:32,369.01133787 --> 00:05:37,899.01133787 there were a lot of different things on the table he had also hired, another guy who was closer to our age. 64 00:05:38,379.01133787 --> 00:05:48,329.01133787 who could have helped us do different things, related to growing the company, franchising the company, different things like that would've, continued to, bring money in as we got older. 65 00:05:48,719.01133787 --> 00:05:53,149.01133787 And, also my oldest son was 19 and home from college that summer working. 66 00:05:53,879.01133787 --> 00:05:57,9.01133787 Dave, my husband, was working, at a customer's property. 67 00:05:58,109.01133787 --> 00:05:59,819.01133787 doing the final cleanup. 68 00:05:59,819.01133787 --> 00:06:02,159.01133787 He happened to be by himself that afternoon. 69 00:06:02,739.01133787 --> 00:06:07,939.01133787 he stepped where the mailbox is, in the road and looked both ways. 70 00:06:07,949.01133787 --> 00:06:12,779.01133787 the, owner of the house had a ring camera, so we actually have video of it. 71 00:06:12,829.01133787 --> 00:06:17,149.01133787 someone hit him from behind in an SUV, he was a pedestrian. 72 00:06:17,999.01133787 --> 00:06:19,49.01133787 near the mailbox. 73 00:06:19,49.01133787 --> 00:06:20,669.01133787 it's something we all do. 74 00:06:20,999.01133787 --> 00:06:24,959.01133787 We go out and check our mail or take a walk along the edge of the street. 75 00:06:25,169.01133787 --> 00:06:31,669.01133787 when he got hit, it was really interesting in the video, you can see he was hit, but he didn't go to the ground. 76 00:06:31,669.01133787 --> 00:06:35,29.01133787 He was trying to run away because he didn't know what had happened. 77 00:06:35,29.01133787 --> 00:06:35,869.01133787 he was staggering. 78 00:06:35,989.01133787 --> 00:06:40,189.01133787 Like you see him stagger side to side and then drop to his knees. 79 00:06:40,189.01133787 --> 00:06:42,499.01133787 So it didn't just knock him to the ground. 80 00:06:42,579.01133787 --> 00:06:47,859.01133787 you can see in the video how the wind, because it was an SUV, the windshield was right there and hit him in the back of the head. 81 00:06:47,859.01133787 --> 00:06:49,719.01133787 And he probably, had that. 82 00:06:50,79.01133787 --> 00:06:50,589.01133787 Bounce. 83 00:06:50,989.01133787 --> 00:06:52,729.01133787 I was at home probably cooking dinner. 84 00:06:52,779.01133787 --> 00:06:58,639.01133787 I remember I was in the kitchen, got the call from him and he said, a car hit me. 85 00:06:59,29.01133787 --> 00:07:02,179.01133787 He didn't say it was an SUV and he didn't really say it was him. 86 00:07:02,929.01133787 --> 00:07:07,219.01133787 So this whole phone call that we had, I thought he meant that a car hit the truck. 87 00:07:07,849.01133787 --> 00:07:10,939.01133787 I didn't realize that he meant that the car hit him. 88 00:07:11,809.01133787 --> 00:07:17,999.01133787 He said he was just gonna finish up 'cause he was really tired, had a headache, which, it was July. 89 00:07:18,299.01133787 --> 00:07:21,539.01133787 I didn't think much of it because it was always hot. 90 00:07:21,539.01133787 --> 00:07:28,489.01133787 He was always tired and he always had a headache, because it was 95 degrees and, he sounded okay on the phone. 91 00:07:28,489.01133787 --> 00:07:35,189.01133787 I'm asking questions like, okay, did you call the police? Did you get his insurance information? No, none of that. 92 00:07:35,769.01133787 --> 00:07:38,49.01133787 He said he got his first name and his phone number. 93 00:07:39,44.01133787 --> 00:07:44,834.01133787 if he had been in his right mind after the accident, he would've thought of all those things, but he didn't. 94 00:07:45,264.01133787 --> 00:07:50,94.01133787 he finished up whatever he had to do to get his things back on the truck and drove home and went to sleep. 95 00:07:51,439.01133787 --> 00:07:57,869.01133787 that was, maybe three or four in the afternoon and around 10 o'clock at night, he just wasn't waking up. 96 00:07:57,869.01133787 --> 00:08:03,749.01133787 And I went in and I would wake him and he would look at me and talk to me for a minute, but go back to sleep. 97 00:08:03,989.01133787 --> 00:08:08,729.01133787 And it was just so outta character His truck got hit. 98 00:08:09,359.01133787 --> 00:08:11,69.01133787 So I finally got the kids to bed. 99 00:08:11,69.01133787 --> 00:08:18,929.01133787 It's 10 o'clock, and I walked outside to see if I could see any damage and there was nothing with the truck, no damage, nothing. 100 00:08:18,989.01133787 --> 00:08:24,719.01133787 And I was like, it just hit me in that instant when I was standing in the driveway that he got hit. 101 00:08:25,79.01133787 --> 00:08:26,669.01133787 It's nothing that he said. 102 00:08:26,669.01133787 --> 00:08:28,769.01133787 Maybe it was instinctual, I don't know. 103 00:08:28,769.01133787 --> 00:08:34,199.01133787 But I came back in and ran back upstairs where our bedroom was at the time, and said. 104 00:08:35,354.01133787 --> 00:08:39,74.01133787 Where did the truck get hit? And he said the truck didn't get hit. 105 00:08:39,74.01133787 --> 00:08:39,794.01133787 I got hit. 106 00:08:39,794.01133787 --> 00:08:46,704.01133787 That was like, really all he said, and I'm trying to get more information This is way more serious than I thought. 107 00:08:47,514.01133787 --> 00:08:53,364.01133787 But here we were now probably, I don't know, seven hours, eight hours after it happened. 108 00:08:54,24.01133787 --> 00:08:56,874.01133787 So he was still sleeping, not really wanting to get up. 109 00:08:57,54.01133787 --> 00:09:00,864.01133787 I thought, oh, maybe he has a concussion or is hurt. 110 00:09:00,864.01133787 --> 00:09:02,334.01133787 He kept telling me his back hurt. 111 00:09:03,244.01133787 --> 00:09:04,174.01133787 I went downstairs. 112 00:09:04,174.01133787 --> 00:09:05,524.01133787 called the police department. 113 00:09:05,654.01133787 --> 00:09:08,84.01133787 explaining what happened, and no one was called. 114 00:09:08,134.01133787 --> 00:09:11,584.01133787 they said, they can come to the station tomorrow and report what happened. 115 00:09:11,584.01133787 --> 00:09:16,954.01133787 And so I called our doctor's office and said, what should I do? They said, wake him up every hour. 116 00:09:16,954.01133787 --> 00:09:18,514.01133787 He drove home, he's fine. 117 00:09:18,614.01133787 --> 00:09:21,664.01133787 So how did the next few days, the next few weeks. 118 00:09:22,129.01133787 --> 00:09:22,549.01133787 Go. 119 00:09:23,129.01133787 --> 00:09:28,819.01133787 The next couple days were really confusing because, just to give a little bit of, history. 120 00:09:29,269.01133787 --> 00:09:31,879.01133787 Dave played ice hockey since he was three. 121 00:09:31,929.01133787 --> 00:09:37,579.01133787 He rode BMX bikes and was rated number one in his age group when he was a kid. 122 00:09:37,759.01133787 --> 00:09:41,899.01133787 He had a lot of hits to the head, a lot of concussions. 123 00:09:42,199.01133787 --> 00:09:48,159.01133787 I even recalls a time he was playing while his dad was working and he fell off a roof and woke up and his dad was there. 124 00:09:48,169.01133787 --> 00:09:54,719.01133787 Like a lot of kids, he had a lot of concussions and back then, they didn't do anything for them or really understand how detrimental they were. 125 00:09:54,769.01133787 --> 00:09:55,729.01133787 I had seen him. 126 00:09:56,389.01133787 --> 00:10:02,129.01133787 Run into the boards on the hockey rink and be out for a minute or two and come to and be fine. 127 00:10:02,639.01133787 --> 00:10:05,399.01133787 So I didn't think it was that serious. 128 00:10:05,429.01133787 --> 00:10:09,449.01133787 you look back and think if I only knew then what I know now. 129 00:10:10,619.01133787 --> 00:10:16,79.01133787 But it wouldn't have made too much of a difference because by then, the injury was done. 130 00:10:16,79.01133787 --> 00:10:19,799.01133787 If he had gone to the hospital, there's really nothing different that they would've done. 131 00:10:19,849.01133787 --> 00:10:25,909.01133787 the difference would've been our confusion and, not really knowing what was happening. 132 00:10:25,959.01133787 --> 00:10:28,749.01133787 the next day, he gets up, thinks he's gonna go to work. 133 00:10:29,629.01133787 --> 00:10:31,669.01133787 I said, maybe you should just take the day off. 134 00:10:31,669.01133787 --> 00:10:32,629.01133787 he said, no, I'm good. 135 00:10:32,629.01133787 --> 00:10:40,769.01133787 He left and an hour later he came back and went back to sleep we had not had much of a conversation so I didn't see how off he was. 136 00:10:41,504.01133787 --> 00:10:42,944.01133787 Until a few days later. 137 00:10:43,544.01133787 --> 00:10:50,84.01133787 we called the boy who hit him, who was a young kid, and, they met at the police station and gave their report. 138 00:10:50,84.01133787 --> 00:10:52,244.01133787 no charges were filed or anything like that. 139 00:10:52,244.01133787 --> 00:10:53,739.01133787 It was just to report that it had happened. 140 00:10:54,894.01133787 --> 00:10:57,954.01133787 they both gave very similar accounts of the situation. 141 00:10:57,954.01133787 --> 00:11:02,544.01133787 I heard later that, the boy came over and said, can I get you some ice? No, I'm good. 142 00:11:02,544.01133787 --> 00:11:04,704.01133787 they exchanged phone numbers and off he went. 143 00:11:04,824.01133787 --> 00:11:06,984.01133787 And that was the extent of the moment. 144 00:11:07,284.01133787 --> 00:11:10,614.01133787 So it was very anti-climatic really. 145 00:11:10,804.01133787 --> 00:11:14,839.01133787 over the next couple weeks we really started to learn and process what had happened. 146 00:11:16,219.01133787 --> 00:11:19,819.01133787 He went to the orthopedic urgent care. 147 00:11:20,179.01133787 --> 00:11:22,909.01133787 I can't remember now if it was that day or the next day. 148 00:11:23,239.01133787 --> 00:11:30,309.01133787 They gave him some flexerol and he came home, went to sleep, and the next day he said they told me I should go see a neurologist. 149 00:11:30,309.01133787 --> 00:11:31,299.01133787 I'm A neurologist. 150 00:11:31,299.01133787 --> 00:11:33,969.01133787 That's how clueless I was. 151 00:11:34,669.01133787 --> 00:11:36,319.01133787 I started trying to call a neurologist. 152 00:11:36,319.01133787 --> 00:11:39,979.01133787 Nobody was going to see him because it was an accident, no police report. 153 00:11:40,29.01133787 --> 00:11:46,849.01133787 they don't see accident patients and he wasn't brought in through the ER where they could, refer him out. 154 00:11:47,549.01133787 --> 00:11:56,909.01133787 my husband had just recently had a physical, so we called our regular doctor who had just seen him and he made a referral to UNC physical medicine. 155 00:11:57,264.01133787 --> 00:11:58,974.01133787 they're the ones who ended up following him. 156 00:11:59,24.01133787 --> 00:12:01,94.01133787 he got into them at about two weeks. 157 00:12:01,94.01133787 --> 00:12:09,104.01133787 by then I had seen and heard a lot of the confusion and, everything that was going on inside of him. 158 00:12:09,254.01133787 --> 00:12:12,704.01133787 So that's how we started to get some help. 159 00:12:13,664.01133787 --> 00:12:14,834.01133787 No hospital stay. 160 00:12:14,834.01133787 --> 00:12:15,974.01133787 hospital stay. 161 00:12:15,974.01133787 --> 00:12:20,354.01133787 They didn't even do a CAT scan or an MRI or anything then. 162 00:12:20,634.01133787 --> 00:12:26,544.01133787 we had no baseline, and no real understanding of just how bad it was. 163 00:12:26,754.01133787 --> 00:12:32,604.01133787 Thankfully the doctor that we saw is one of the best in the state and he caught on pretty quickly. 164 00:12:33,739.01133787 --> 00:12:42,49.01133787 they saw him at two weeks and then again at four weeks and then follow, and they didn't wanna start therapy right away, they want the brain to have a little time to heal. 165 00:12:43,384.01133787 --> 00:12:58,824.01133787 I remember we were taking our son back to college exactly one month after the accident, we were flying out to Texas taking a road trip as a family down to Austin, and then we would take our son back up to Dallas and help him get in his dorm. 166 00:12:58,824.01133787 --> 00:13:01,884.01133787 I remember calling the doctor in tears saying. 167 00:13:02,374.01133787 --> 00:13:05,794.01133787 there's no way I can take a trip with this person. 168 00:13:05,794.01133787 --> 00:13:11,954.01133787 He's, just outta sorts agitated, uncomfortable with his back, angry. 169 00:13:13,224.01133787 --> 00:13:17,954.01133787 that's when I started getting more involved and able to talk to them myself. 170 00:13:18,24.01133787 --> 00:13:22,44.01133787 I went to the appointments, but they weren't very open about it in front of him. 171 00:13:23,59.01133787 --> 00:13:31,69.01133787 when I called, they were more open about what to expect and the process, the healing and just how bad it was. 172 00:13:31,249.01133787 --> 00:13:36,649.01133787 So did he drive on that trip to Texas? We flew into Dallas, we're in North Carolina. 173 00:13:36,649.01133787 --> 00:13:42,319.01133787 We flew into Dallas and drove down to Austin, but I think I drove 'cause he was in a lot of pain. 174 00:13:42,974.01133787 --> 00:13:56,304.01133787 my son who worked with him was the one who noticed a lot of the issues because, he was still trying to go to work during that month and calling everything by the wrong name, go grab the bucket. 175 00:13:56,304.01133787 --> 00:14:06,34.01133787 But he meant shovel and tanner, my son would come back with the bucket Dave would be upset that it was the wrong thing, not realizing he was not using the right word. 176 00:14:06,74.01133787 --> 00:14:10,824.01133787 when I called to say, we're going on this trip, they said, he has a communication disorder. 177 00:14:10,824.01133787 --> 00:14:18,724.01133787 aphasia, they had already noticed and noted these things, but not really given us the depth of information I needed. 178 00:14:19,454.01133787 --> 00:14:23,444.01133787 I think it's because they didn't want to say so much in front of him. 179 00:14:24,144.01133787 --> 00:14:28,774.01133787 At first, I think they thought he'll be better in six weeks. 180 00:14:29,294.01133787 --> 00:14:30,704.01133787 He'll be better in six months. 181 00:14:30,704.01133787 --> 00:14:31,994.01133787 He'll be better in a year. 182 00:14:31,994.01133787 --> 00:14:33,584.01133787 Definitely by a year and a half. 183 00:14:33,584.01133787 --> 00:14:34,484.01133787 That's how it went. 184 00:14:35,264.01133787 --> 00:14:40,444.01133787 But I had not really heard a lot of these terms before then, like aphasia. 185 00:14:40,504.01133787 --> 00:14:43,924.01133787 I didn't really understand what these things were. 186 00:14:44,264.01133787 --> 00:14:51,54.01133787 I'm getting off the phone with them and I'm Googling and of course having a silent panic attack, and they kept saying it should come back. 187 00:14:51,144.01133787 --> 00:14:57,194.01133787 And then, we'll see what comes back and we'll start therapies, but we don't wanna start them too early. 188 00:14:58,164.01133787 --> 00:15:00,834.01133787 eventually at around six and a half weeks. 189 00:15:00,884.01133787 --> 00:15:04,544.01133787 I have to say that at this time he was still in a tremendous amount of pain. 190 00:15:04,544.01133787 --> 00:15:07,744.01133787 While we were on that trip in Texas, he couldn't get up. 191 00:15:07,744.01133787 --> 00:15:13,444.01133787 I don't know if his back went into spasms or what, but he was unable to walk or move out of the bed. 192 00:15:13,994.01133787 --> 00:15:18,884.01133787 here we are at the hotel and I'm trying to check my son into the dorm and help him move. 193 00:15:18,884.01133787 --> 00:15:23,774.01133787 Dave was stuck in bed and I called our personal doctor, and I'm like, listen, we're outta state. 194 00:15:23,804.01133787 --> 00:15:24,494.01133787 I need something. 195 00:15:24,494.01133787 --> 00:15:31,424.01133787 he is in so much pain there was a whole lot of physical pain at that time, and he's a very stoic guy. 196 00:15:31,454.01133787 --> 00:15:33,704.01133787 Like a lot of our guys, very strong. 197 00:15:34,154.01133787 --> 00:15:35,384.01133787 I never saw him cry. 198 00:15:35,384.01133787 --> 00:15:42,244.01133787 I never saw him in pain until this, he'd pop his shoulder out during ice hockey and stand up and pop it back in. 199 00:15:43,574.01133787 --> 00:16:00,994.01133787 to see him laid up in bed, almost in tears was heartbreaking and also a little scary for me, Just because I had not seen that side of him the doctors, the closer we got to six weeks, the more open they became about what was probably going on. 200 00:16:01,234.01133787 --> 00:16:07,144.01133787 I think they wanted to give that chance for it to heal like a normal concussion and everything is fine. 201 00:16:07,744.01133787 --> 00:16:12,594.01133787 So around six weeks they, started talking to us about post-concussive syndrome and what that meant. 202 00:16:13,54.01133787 --> 00:16:23,994.01133787 then around eight weeks or So three months is when they started referring him out for the different therapies, which I mean such a blessing that we ended up there because of the doctor that we were seeing. 203 00:16:24,44.01133787 --> 00:16:31,854.01133787 He just knew exactly which direction to point us for every therapy Dave was super diligent and still is about doing. 204 00:16:32,559.01133787 --> 00:16:34,29.01133787 What the doctors ask. 205 00:16:34,509.01133787 --> 00:16:35,49.01133787 No, go ahead. 206 00:16:35,49.01133787 --> 00:16:38,229.01133787 What kind of therapies did he do? Was he inpatient? Yeah. 207 00:16:38,229.01133787 --> 00:16:40,539.0113379 He was outpatient for the whole thing. 208 00:16:40,819.0113379 --> 00:16:46,709.0113379 one of the issues that we had as a family was I was like a stay at home mom I had kept. 209 00:16:46,959.0113379 --> 00:16:49,149.0113379 My business, but not really kept it going. 210 00:16:49,149.0113379 --> 00:16:51,189.0113379 I wasn't marketing it or working really. 211 00:16:51,189.0113379 --> 00:16:53,379.0113379 I was more helping him on the side. 212 00:16:53,669.0113379 --> 00:16:57,59.0113379 so I would just take a client here and there when they contacted me. 213 00:16:57,59.0113379 --> 00:17:10,859.0113379 So we really relied on his salary we had a kid in college, a daughter in private school because she has a learning disability, two properties and our business and employees that we were trying to navigate Like I said, Dave is very strong. 214 00:17:10,859.0113379 --> 00:17:15,959.0113379 He would just get up and think he could go to work, but during that time we realized you need to cut back. 215 00:17:16,409.0113379 --> 00:17:17,99.0113379 So he did. 216 00:17:17,99.0113379 --> 00:17:37,789.0113379 He cut back a lot, but not completely and he didn't wanna do anything inpatient because, that would've taken him away from our family and from work, I know someone else in one of your other podcasts talked about how, our identities and especially, men as the father and the husband, their identities are so wrapped up in their career and in their work. 217 00:17:37,789.0113379 --> 00:17:42,729.0113379 And he was definitely one of those people that, was so proud of what he had built. 218 00:17:43,429.0113379 --> 00:17:58,799.0113379 we did have to slow things down quite a bit, and I had to do a lot more behind the scenes explaining To customers, the therapies he started, he did cognitive therapy first with a speech therapist and then with an occupational therapist. 219 00:17:59,679.0113379 --> 00:18:01,739.0113379 He did, physical therapy. 220 00:18:02,139.0113379 --> 00:18:04,209.0113379 He did some occupational therapy. 221 00:18:04,259.0113379 --> 00:18:10,509.0113379 He was having the same symptoms that a lot of, folks have with concussions and brain injuries where, his vision. 222 00:18:11,4.0113379 --> 00:18:20,224.0113379 Was blurred he was having headaches ringing in his ears, difficulty hearing So they referred us out for all the testing to find out what was causing each symptom. 223 00:18:20,224.0113379 --> 00:18:27,824.0113379 Was it the brain? Or did something actually happen physically to the eyes? Trying to tease all of that apart and figure it all out. 224 00:18:29,364.0113379 --> 00:18:31,74.0113379 Somewhere about a year out. 225 00:18:32,254.0113379 --> 00:18:54,224.0113379 We had a neurocognitive psychological evaluation at around six months out as a baseline, and then about a year out we plugged in with a, neuropsych and did a lot of, therapy and then a functional neurologist who really helped a lot with especially a lot of the physical aspects of it. 226 00:18:57,104.0113379 --> 00:19:08,294.0113379 After the accident, you are, seeing things change just on the go, right? You weren't told he had a brain injury right away. 227 00:19:08,294.0113379 --> 00:19:10,844.0113379 You had to figure that out along the way. 228 00:19:11,114.0113379 --> 00:19:13,364.0113379 A lot of changes happened. 229 00:19:13,464.0113379 --> 00:19:16,434.0113379 A lot of hard, a lot of negative. 230 00:19:16,844.0113379 --> 00:19:20,644.0113379 Can we talk through a little bit about that? Sure we can talk through it. 231 00:19:21,494.0113379 --> 00:19:29,664.0113379 when we had the neuropsych eval done at six weeks or six months out, the reason it was so far out was there was a wait to get in. 232 00:19:30,4.0113379 --> 00:19:32,494.0113379 they probably would've liked to have done it at around three months. 233 00:19:33,134.0113379 --> 00:19:40,964.0113379 what shocked me the most in the results, was how much, they noted the mental health and emotional aspects. 234 00:19:41,594.0113379 --> 00:19:44,474.0113379 They didn't say, oh, it's because of a brain injury. 235 00:19:44,474.0113379 --> 00:19:45,494.0113379 I had to ask. 236 00:19:46,104.0113379 --> 00:19:48,234.0113379 He never was depressed before. 237 00:19:48,284.0113379 --> 00:19:52,634.0113379 he was probably always had some anxiety, but he never acted like this before. 238 00:19:53,64.0113379 --> 00:20:00,414.0113379 And then have somebody explain to me that is a huge part of a frontal lo brain injury or, when you get a concussion to that part of the brain. 239 00:20:00,414.0113379 --> 00:20:03,594.0113379 So it was a lot of figuring it out as we went along. 240 00:20:03,594.0113379 --> 00:20:03,894.0113379 And then. 241 00:20:04,639.0113379 --> 00:20:11,14.0113379 People assuming that we understood what they were talking about and me having to really dive deeper to try to understand more. 242 00:20:11,64.0113379 --> 00:20:22,24.0113379 I remember buying some books on Amazon and reading 'em and, Googling all I could, and there's not much out there, especially for mild brain injuries, and it's so invisible. 243 00:20:22,74.0113379 --> 00:20:26,684.0113379 He'd walk in the door and I think he was the same person and he just wasn't. 244 00:20:27,669.0113379 --> 00:20:29,49.0113379 we had young kids at home. 245 00:20:29,709.0113379 --> 00:20:40,309.0113379 My, my oldest son and hi him had a lot of difficulty that summer and that I think has impacted their relationship since, they're not nearly as close and connected as they used to be. 246 00:20:40,819.0113379 --> 00:20:45,169.0113379 I hope someday they will be, but I think there was some trauma there. 247 00:20:45,219.0113379 --> 00:20:49,244.0113379 Definitely some, things that need to be healed my younger kids. 248 00:20:50,114.0113379 --> 00:20:54,614.0113379 That's their daddy and they had a really hard time understanding it. 249 00:20:55,64.0113379 --> 00:20:57,614.0113379 My daughter especially, she was eight at the time. 250 00:20:58,524.0113379 --> 00:21:01,644.0113379 I explained it to them because our youngest was two. 251 00:21:02,214.0113379 --> 00:21:24,154.0113379 Dad has a brain booboo that was the easiest way to explain it, they just kept wanting to know when his brain booboo was gonna be all better They didn't understand why he was, sleeping all day or why he didn't wanna play, why he was more grouchy and, angry, why he said things sometimes that didn't make sense. 252 00:21:24,574.0113379 --> 00:21:31,774.0113379 prior to this he's always been an amazing dad and stepdad One of the things I loved the most about him was He was my calm. 253 00:21:31,774.0113379 --> 00:21:37,264.0113379 He was the most patient person I had ever been around and so chill. 254 00:21:37,414.0113379 --> 00:21:40,444.0113379 He had his moments, and of course we had our disagreements. 255 00:21:40,444.0113379 --> 00:21:41,944.0113379 We were together a long time. 256 00:21:41,944.0113379 --> 00:21:51,4.0113379 But to see him go from that to someone who was so easily agitated and it would come outta nowhere and still it surprises me. 257 00:21:52,264.0113379 --> 00:21:56,974.0113379 So it was really hard for them to adjust to a new dad. 258 00:21:56,974.0113379 --> 00:21:59,994.0113379 you to a new husband, right? part of them. 259 00:22:01,434.0113379 --> 00:22:07,74.0113379 That's a whole, listen, that's a whole podcast in and of itself, right? Yeah. 260 00:22:07,384.0113379 --> 00:22:07,719.0113379 There is. 261 00:22:08,704.0113379 --> 00:22:12,964.0113379 So much ambiguous grief that goes along with this. 262 00:22:12,964.0113379 --> 00:22:14,854.0113379 So much processing. 263 00:22:15,464.0113379 --> 00:22:22,844.0113379 One of the things I will say that was a huge blessing is that we were all seeing a therapist prior to his injury. 264 00:22:22,844.0113379 --> 00:22:26,564.0113379 it was more about parenting, getting on the same page about parenting. 265 00:22:26,564.0113379 --> 00:22:34,534.0113379 Our daughter, she is a very persistent little girl and we were seeing a family therapist who was working with us. 266 00:22:34,534.0113379 --> 00:22:41,344.0113379 It was a huge blessing because when the accident happened, she was right there to step in and start helping us. 267 00:22:41,344.0113379 --> 00:22:45,64.0113379 we saw her that month right when the accident happened. 268 00:22:45,514.0113379 --> 00:23:01,364.0113379 Not necessarily because of the injury, but because she was already seeing us over the last almost six years, the biggest blessing about her is that she's one of the few people in our lives outside of myself and Dave that know us intimately. 269 00:23:02,314.0113379 --> 00:23:06,94.0113379 She already knew us, so she's also one of the few people. 270 00:23:06,739.0113379 --> 00:23:10,459.0113379 That knows the difference in Dave, like really knows the difference. 271 00:23:10,459.0113379 --> 00:23:13,579.0113379 She knew he was before as a parent, as a partner. 272 00:23:13,579.0113379 --> 00:23:16,729.0113379 She knew what our struggles were before compared to today. 273 00:23:16,779.0113379 --> 00:23:18,999.0113379 she's still my individual therapist. 274 00:23:19,509.0113379 --> 00:23:26,359.0113379 So I, have really been blessed by that, of having a therapist from day one Yeah, having someone to walk. 275 00:23:26,809.0113379 --> 00:23:28,909.0113379 Alongside you with that? Yes. 276 00:23:28,909.0113379 --> 00:23:36,749.0113379 Although it's not a friend, it's a professional who can really read those differences and offer that kind of support. 277 00:23:36,749.0113379 --> 00:23:44,549.0113379 Almost better than a friend, really, because she could provide me with the emotional support that I wouldn't expect a friend to provide. 278 00:23:44,549.0113379 --> 00:23:46,679.0113379 And she sees my kids still too. 279 00:23:46,679.0113379 --> 00:23:48,719.0113379 And for a while she saw him and saw us together. 280 00:23:48,719.0113379 --> 00:23:58,299.0113379 But, after a while he needed his own therapist he's been seeing a therapist since and I've been seeing a therapist since our kids do, and we see now a different therapist, but together every week as well. 281 00:23:59,959.0113379 --> 00:24:01,284.0113379 Therapy is amazing. 282 00:24:01,334.0113379 --> 00:24:07,574.0113379 after about the first six weeks, they started trying him on different medications for the mental health part of it. 283 00:24:08,64.0113379 --> 00:24:09,624.0113379 he started seeing a psychiatrist. 284 00:24:10,59.0113379 --> 00:24:14,899.0113379 Outside of the system where we were being, seen for the brain injury. 285 00:24:15,149.0113379 --> 00:24:18,509.0113379 she had worked previously with the VA and veterans. 286 00:24:18,509.0113379 --> 00:24:28,189.0113379 she has a really good handle on it and helped him get on medication that, really help with mood regulation and kinda slow things down a little bit for him. 287 00:24:28,279.0113379 --> 00:24:32,749.0113379 Help him sleep better because sleep is such a big challenge for folks with A TBI. 288 00:24:33,319.0113379 --> 00:24:35,89.0113379 So she, he sees everyone. 289 00:24:35,719.0113379 --> 00:24:37,759.0113379 that's a struggle all in itself. 290 00:24:37,819.0113379 --> 00:24:38,659.0113379 Medication. 291 00:24:39,259.0113379 --> 00:24:46,469.0113379 Especially when you have the mood swings the outbursts and the agitation finding. 292 00:24:47,369.0113379 --> 00:24:49,529.0113379 The right concoction of meds. 293 00:24:49,579.0113379 --> 00:24:52,789.0113379 can become a really daunting task. 294 00:24:53,489.0113379 --> 00:24:55,889.0113379 Luckily what she put him on has helped. 295 00:24:55,889.0113379 --> 00:25:00,779.0113379 So we didn't have to switch from medication to medication, just add another one and go very slow. 296 00:25:00,779.0113379 --> 00:25:02,729.0113379 He tends to react quickly to medicine. 297 00:25:02,729.0113379 --> 00:25:07,229.0113379 So she took it very slowly, to add on what, she thought he needed. 298 00:25:07,279.0113379 --> 00:25:08,839.0113379 they've played with it a little bit. 299 00:25:09,379.0113379 --> 00:25:15,379.0113379 And I think once he got to the point where he was a little less agitated, he could really work on his awareness. 300 00:25:15,409.0113379 --> 00:25:28,949.0113379 Because I think at the beginning, I remember him telling our therapist that he thought I had dementia I know he didn't understand why my memory was so different from his, I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was like, I don't have dementia. 301 00:25:28,999.0113379 --> 00:25:32,509.0113379 His processing was really off and he wasn't aware. 302 00:25:32,509.0113379 --> 00:25:33,889.0113379 You don't know what you don't know. 303 00:25:33,889.0113379 --> 00:25:36,199.0113379 He didn't realize how off it was at the time. 304 00:25:36,349.0113379 --> 00:25:39,889.0113379 Now he has much more self-awareness Round about the evening. 305 00:25:40,459.0113379 --> 00:25:42,829.0113379 is when we really start to see more struggles. 306 00:25:42,829.0113379 --> 00:25:47,269.0113379 I guess he gets easily, overwhelmed with too much time. 307 00:25:47,269.0113379 --> 00:25:52,734.0113379 So it's one task at a time for him Because who he was before was completely polar opposite. 308 00:25:52,734.0113379 --> 00:25:54,564.0113379 his executive function was his strength. 309 00:25:54,594.0113379 --> 00:25:59,4.0113379 He could multitask, remember everything in his head, never forgot anyone's name. 310 00:25:59,224.0113379 --> 00:26:03,604.0113379 Juggled multiple employees and accounts and jobs and all the things. 311 00:26:04,94.0113379 --> 00:26:11,834.0113379 since then, he definitely had to take a step back and try to find his awareness of what's gonna work best for him. 312 00:26:12,239.0113379 --> 00:26:37,629.0113379 They did a lot of work on that in the cognitive therapy, so you maybe never had to make lists before, but we're gonna work with you on how to organize your job lists and things like that, that now all of a sudden it's gotta all be on paper and we have to learn a new way at 50 years old how we're going to run our business and functions, He has taken it all on and worked so hard. 313 00:26:37,629.0113379 --> 00:26:39,969.0113379 He actually has never stopped working. 314 00:26:40,389.0113379 --> 00:26:43,449.0113379 But we did have to switch our focus a little bit. 315 00:26:43,449.0113379 --> 00:26:46,359.0113379 So he's farming now instead of doing landscaping. 316 00:26:46,749.0113379 --> 00:26:51,609.0113379 We have learned over the past few years that it's not a good idea to have employees. 317 00:26:52,99.0113379 --> 00:26:58,889.0113379 he just struggles with communication with them and is easily, irritated. 318 00:26:59,229.0113379 --> 00:27:04,419.0113379 it's really brain fatigue more than anything that's happening because he's tired. 319 00:27:04,419.0113379 --> 00:27:06,399.0113379 He's trying to do two or three things at once. 320 00:27:06,399.0113379 --> 00:27:09,449.0113379 He's trying to do what he's supposed to do and supervise someone else. 321 00:27:09,449.0113379 --> 00:27:11,189.0113379 his brain just doesn't work that way anymore. 322 00:27:12,809.0113379 --> 00:27:17,759.0113379 So he's learning how to navigate that himself and we're learning how to navigate it too. 323 00:27:18,459.0113379 --> 00:27:33,919.0113379 So how has life changed? Since the accident? I'll go back to when I said, there's just so much ambiguous loss and grief, because he was truly my best friend. 324 00:27:34,319.0113379 --> 00:27:45,59.0113379 we did everything together we worked together, we cooked together, we traveled all over, we went on long road trips with our family and the kids, the change. 325 00:27:45,129.0113379 --> 00:27:46,629.0113379 was sudden, but also slow. 326 00:27:46,629.0113379 --> 00:27:52,539.0113379 It's taken, five years for me to realize what things are gonna put us in a hot mess together. 327 00:27:52,539.0113379 --> 00:27:53,529.0113379 Same for him. 328 00:27:53,529.0113379 --> 00:28:01,629.0113379 This just isn't going to work out the way that we had hoped because, he's tired and I'm tired and we're trying to raise a family. 329 00:28:01,629.0113379 --> 00:28:05,49.0113379 And that overwhelm for both of us is a struggle. 330 00:28:06,609.0113379 --> 00:28:16,599.0113379 But it's so hard, to have that for so many years, to have a partner, to have your best friend, and then not have it in the same way. 331 00:28:17,59.0113379 --> 00:28:22,339.0113379 I'll, he'll wake up and there's something I wanna talk to him about, and he is in no place to hear it. 332 00:28:22,349.0113379 --> 00:28:25,894.0113379 it just ends up causing conflict because I forget. 333 00:28:26,719.0113379 --> 00:28:28,99.0113379 Or I think, he woke up. 334 00:28:28,99.0113379 --> 00:28:33,359.0113379 He is not working on anything right now is a good time, at the end of the day he is got brain fatigue. 335 00:28:33,359.0113379 --> 00:28:45,939.0113379 I probably do too, because I've, cooked dinner, put the kids to bed and worked all day myself but when do we sit down and connect as a couple? Those things are really hard and I'm still learning to work through that. 336 00:28:45,999.0113379 --> 00:28:54,829.0113379 I won't say that is something that I have healed from, or that I am, on the other side of yet, but I'll get there. 337 00:28:54,829.0113379 --> 00:28:57,669.0113379 know if you ever can you can come to terms with it. 338 00:28:59,89.0113379 --> 00:29:03,679.0113379 During this same six years, I lost my mom two dementia, ironically. 339 00:29:03,679.0113379 --> 00:29:08,719.0113379 And my grandmother, who was, like I said previously a second mom to me. 340 00:29:09,139.0113379 --> 00:29:11,59.0113379 And so those were my people. 341 00:29:11,504.0113379 --> 00:29:17,804.0113379 When Dave got hurt, they were the two people that I still had that I could count on, that I could talk to anything about. 342 00:29:17,804.0113379 --> 00:29:22,454.0113379 So losing them just, oh gosh, I'll cry talking about it. 343 00:29:22,454.0113379 --> 00:29:30,484.0113379 But losing them really made it infinitely harder for me because I didn't have anyone that really knew me so well. 344 00:29:31,504.0113379 --> 00:29:35,344.0113379 But yeah, it's like losing a parent or someone else that you love. 345 00:29:35,394.0113379 --> 00:29:37,194.0113379 you never get over losing your mom. 346 00:29:37,249.0113379 --> 00:29:46,639.0113379 It gets a little easier maybe, but sometimes you can be walking down the street and smell a smell or see a sight and it just hits you all over again. 347 00:29:46,639.0113379 --> 00:29:47,359.0113379 It's like that. 348 00:29:47,359.0113379 --> 00:29:54,19.0113379 Sometimes on my phone, it'll put up memories from five years ago or six years ago, and I'm like, oh, wow. 349 00:29:54,749.0113379 --> 00:29:56,519.0113379 To me he even looks different. 350 00:29:56,519.0113379 --> 00:29:57,689.0113379 He smiles differently. 351 00:29:57,689.0113379 --> 00:30:00,449.0113379 He carries himself differently, which is probably the back injury. 352 00:30:01,194.0113379 --> 00:30:02,334.0113379 Which we're still dealing with. 353 00:30:02,334.0113379 --> 00:30:07,974.0113379 We have an appointment with a spinal specialist tomorrow, another procedure with another spinal specialist next week. 354 00:30:07,974.0113379 --> 00:30:10,194.0113379 There's still so many things that are ongoing. 355 00:30:11,224.0113379 --> 00:30:18,94.0113379 the first year I was like, did I marry somebody who had all these red flags and somehow I just missed it. 356 00:30:18,814.0113379 --> 00:30:23,914.0113379 It took a couple years for me to understand and maybe even my mom getting sick. 357 00:30:24,364.0113379 --> 00:30:32,284.0113379 My sweet mom, who I've known my entire life, cursing at my kids in the car to see this really is a brain change. 358 00:30:32,284.0113379 --> 00:30:39,334.0113379 This is not something that they can control any more than my mom could with her dementia. 359 00:30:39,574.0113379 --> 00:30:42,454.0113379 different levels because hers is very progressive. 360 00:30:43,54.0113379 --> 00:30:45,394.0113379 And his aphasia actually got much better. 361 00:30:45,994.0113379 --> 00:30:50,734.0113379 He still has some of the processing things with communication that are a struggle. 362 00:30:51,284.0113379 --> 00:31:06,424.0113379 I think there's times that he misunderstands a lot and doesn't know it, or I misunderstand him and don't realize, How do you hope your kids navigate through the change, the anger and the outbursts? We just talk about daddy's brain, boo. 363 00:31:06,554.0113379 --> 00:31:09,854.0113379 We talk about how he's working with all the doctors. 364 00:31:10,244.0113379 --> 00:31:12,794.0113379 They see the therapists themselves. 365 00:31:13,244.0113379 --> 00:31:19,514.0113379 In some of my support groups, people say, oh, you need to get your children out of that situation. 366 00:31:19,514.0113379 --> 00:31:22,214.0113379 it's so harmful for them and it's so traumatic, but. 367 00:31:23,149.0113379 --> 00:31:29,249.0113379 I just can't see that my kids adore their dad and their dad adores them isn't that really what. 368 00:31:29,774.0113379 --> 00:31:31,544.0113379 Family and life is all about. 369 00:31:31,544.0113379 --> 00:31:39,614.0113379 the commitment is that you are going to live your life with these people and there's no one here saying, oh, you're not gonna get cancer, you're not gonna have a brain injury. 370 00:31:39,614.0113379 --> 00:31:41,114.0113379 It's gonna be glorious. 371 00:31:41,264.0113379 --> 00:31:50,14.0113379 Even my grandparents who had been married 72 years, my grandfather got cancer and passed away I remember the last few days my grandmother said, he said the most hateful things to me. 372 00:31:50,14.0113379 --> 00:31:51,214.0113379 He didn't like me at all. 373 00:31:51,574.0113379 --> 00:31:57,844.0113379 And towards the end of her life, which was after my husband's injury, I remember saying to her, I think it was the cancer. 374 00:31:58,414.0113379 --> 00:32:00,604.0113379 you never know what you're gonna have in life. 375 00:32:00,704.0113379 --> 00:32:11,904.0113379 so I teach that to my kids and I want them to, grow up to be, resilient and strong and to be able to advocate for themselves and others. 376 00:32:12,814.0113379 --> 00:32:15,694.0113379 Sometimes our daughter advocates a little too much. 377 00:32:16,84.0113379 --> 00:32:20,264.0113379 She's 13, so she is all 13-year-old girl. 378 00:32:20,264.0113379 --> 00:32:25,514.0113379 I want them to understand that life isn't always peachy keen and there's hard days. 379 00:32:25,564.0113379 --> 00:32:34,584.0113379 to be able to give grace and compassion and also get grace and compassion, that's a huge thing for us and our family. 380 00:32:35,419.0113379 --> 00:32:40,609.0113379 I get that dad didn't say it right or mom didn't say it or you didn't say it right. 381 00:32:40,609.0113379 --> 00:32:46,789.0113379 But, we're all working hard and trying and we love each other and we're gonna come back and say we're sorry and try again. 382 00:32:46,859.0113379 --> 00:32:48,809.0113379 that's what I want them to learn. 383 00:32:50,184.0113379 --> 00:32:50,964.0113379 That's beautiful. 384 00:32:51,504.0113379 --> 00:32:52,464.0113379 Yeah, I love it. 385 00:32:52,559.0113379 --> 00:32:54,699.0113379 It's hard, but they're the best kids. 386 00:32:56,599.0113379 --> 00:32:59,539.0113379 I'm trying to teach them to take care of themselves. 387 00:32:59,789.0113379 --> 00:33:02,879.0113379 Not like to stand on their own two feet at eight years old, but self-care. 388 00:33:03,584.0113379 --> 00:33:08,864.0113379 Like when I, when this journey first started, I remember, oh my gosh, if I could only get out and get my nails done. 389 00:33:08,864.0113379 --> 00:33:09,644.0113379 I'm so busy. 390 00:33:09,644.0113379 --> 00:33:11,324.0113379 I'm trying to help my husband with his business. 391 00:33:11,324.0113379 --> 00:33:27,414.0113379 I'm taking care of a 2-year-old and my daughter and where did all my time go? He's always asleep and I can't leave the kids here while he's asleep or, not focusing well, What I've really learned is that self-care is just showing up for ourselves over and over again. 392 00:33:27,604.0113379 --> 00:33:31,984.0113379 it's not about getting away from our life, like escaping to go get our nails done. 393 00:33:31,984.0113379 --> 00:33:35,634.0113379 It's more so we can live our lives more fully and completely. 394 00:33:36,264.0113379 --> 00:33:41,674.0113379 the things I've done for myself besides therapy, I've learned how to meditate. 395 00:33:42,9.0113379 --> 00:33:45,789.0113379 I have always been the one in my family who could solve a problem. 396 00:33:45,849.0113379 --> 00:33:50,139.0113379 I was a little child who was put into the situation. 397 00:33:50,319.0113379 --> 00:33:58,89.0113379 My parents were divorced, or I was, probably doing things I didn't need to be doing at eight taking care of my sister and cooking dinner and doing adult things. 398 00:33:58,454.0113379 --> 00:34:08,544.0113379 I always knew how to jump in and solve the problem and take care of stuff, but I don't think that I ever fully learned how to take care of myself, feed myself first. 399 00:34:08,594.0113379 --> 00:34:11,864.0113379 it's interesting because my mom always talked about the soup pie. 400 00:34:11,864.0113379 --> 00:34:16,964.0113379 If you don't feed yourself some soup by the time serve everyone else, there's not going to be any soup left. 401 00:34:16,964.0113379 --> 00:34:19,394.0113379 I've taken that to heart and learned about. 402 00:34:20,219.0113379 --> 00:34:39,709.0113379 Just some sustainable, intentional ways that I can go about supporting my own mental, emotional, and physical health and spiritual health When we were going through some of the harder times where, I was afraid, I didn't know if our family would make it because, medications were off I knew it wasn't healthy to continue to be in a certain situation. 403 00:34:39,709.0113379 --> 00:34:43,549.0113379 I went in and talked to our pastor and really leaned on my church family. 404 00:34:44,194.0113379 --> 00:34:47,344.0113379 To make sure that I had a circle around me. 405 00:34:47,444.0113379 --> 00:34:49,274.0113379 I think everybody should have that. 406 00:34:49,274.0113379 --> 00:34:54,814.0113379 Not just people dealing with illness or trauma that's the one thing I've really taken from this. 407 00:34:54,814.0113379 --> 00:34:57,574.0113379 I started my business back up again. 408 00:34:58,24.0113379 --> 00:35:00,304.0113379 And that's been a huge blessing. 409 00:35:00,304.0113379 --> 00:35:03,854.0113379 I love being creative and having something just for me. 410 00:35:05,844.0113379 --> 00:35:07,44.0113379 also remembering to eat. 411 00:35:07,674.0113379 --> 00:35:09,204.0113379 I love to cook, so that's not hard. 412 00:35:09,204.0113379 --> 00:35:11,334.0113379 slowing down, saying I need help. 413 00:35:11,334.0113379 --> 00:35:12,174.0113379 When I need help. 414 00:35:12,714.0113379 --> 00:35:14,959.0113379 Those are things that were really hard for me to learn. 415 00:35:16,354.0113379 --> 00:35:23,284.0113379 We had a very small home and when we had our third child, we, realized we needed a little more space. 416 00:35:23,344.0113379 --> 00:35:32,344.0113379 We didn't have enough bedrooms for the kids, and because their ages are so far apart, it was hard for them to bunk up because they go to sleep at different times. 417 00:35:32,384.0113379 --> 00:35:35,559.0113379 when our oldest went off to college, we moved the baby into his bedroom. 418 00:35:35,559.0113379 --> 00:35:39,309.0113379 when he came home for the summers and vacations, there was nowhere for him to go. 419 00:35:39,789.0113379 --> 00:35:41,439.0113379 So we had already started planning. 420 00:35:41,729.0113379 --> 00:35:42,539.0113379 An addition. 421 00:35:42,879.0113379 --> 00:35:50,699.0113379 then, Dave's accident happened in July of 2019, and that took us right into Covid in 2020. 422 00:35:51,59.0113379 --> 00:35:57,329.0113379 And when everything shut down and our son came home, he actually slept on the floor because we just didn't have space for him. 423 00:35:57,909.0113379 --> 00:36:04,949.0113379 But from there, the engineers had taken a break too, and it gave us time to reflect on what we really wanted. 424 00:36:05,709.0113379 --> 00:36:08,829.0113379 In our audition, some of the things that we wanted to include. 425 00:36:08,839.0113379 --> 00:36:14,699.0113379 we decided that, thinking in the future, we wanted to be able to age in place. 426 00:36:15,754.0113379 --> 00:36:25,294.0113379 I had watched my grandparents, I refer to them a lot, but they really had a great plan they had a one story and were able to bring people in to help them and stay in their home. 427 00:36:25,294.0113379 --> 00:36:29,644.0113379 My grandmother stayed there till she was 101, and I wanted that for myself. 428 00:36:29,704.0113379 --> 00:36:35,354.0113379 we have our master bedroom downstairs now, which is so nice because it's so hard for him. 429 00:36:35,924.0113379 --> 00:36:37,634.0113379 To go up and down the steps. 430 00:36:37,694.0113379 --> 00:36:39,224.0113379 Now he doesn't have to do that. 431 00:36:40,164.0113379 --> 00:36:42,834.0113379 we made all the entryways accessible. 432 00:36:43,764.0113379 --> 00:36:52,694.0113379 when he got hurt, it hit me that you never know what's going to happen in life, it's nice not to completely upend yourself and figure out new housing. 433 00:36:53,394.0113379 --> 00:36:55,494.0113379 more than that, we really wanted a place that. 434 00:36:55,974.0113379 --> 00:37:00,204.0113379 We could stay forever and just age here. 435 00:37:01,74.0113379 --> 00:37:02,694.0113379 We gave all of that a lot of thought. 436 00:37:02,694.0113379 --> 00:37:09,404.0113379 And then, in, 2022, we really started planning for it. 437 00:37:09,404.0113379 --> 00:37:10,784.0113379 we worked through the plans. 438 00:37:10,784.0113379 --> 00:37:15,44.0113379 in 2022 we started planning for breaking ground in 2023, which we did. 439 00:37:16,169.0113379 --> 00:37:18,539.0113379 We had that done in 2023. 440 00:37:18,539.0113379 --> 00:37:19,739.0113379 So it's all done now. 441 00:37:20,339.0113379 --> 00:37:20,849.0113379 That's great. 442 00:37:20,909.0113379 --> 00:37:35,249.0113379 And I know that you rolled your eyes a little bit when you were talking about how you refer to your grandparents, but I think that's so beautiful they really were an example of how you wanted your marriage to be and a true example of, what you wanted your life to be like. 443 00:37:35,249.0113379 --> 00:37:39,989.0113379 I think that is a huge blessing in being able to have that to look up to. 444 00:37:40,39.0113379 --> 00:37:40,819.0113379 Absolutely. 445 00:37:40,819.0113379 --> 00:37:42,649.0113379 They didn't always have easy times. 446 00:37:42,649.0113379 --> 00:37:45,919.0113379 My grandmother would say, you think grandpa and I always had it easy. 447 00:37:45,919.0113379 --> 00:37:47,59.0113379 We didn't have it so easy. 448 00:37:47,339.0113379 --> 00:37:50,69.0113379 she would tell me some of the hard times that they went through. 449 00:37:50,69.0113379 --> 00:37:55,409.0113379 there was a period of time where they lived in separate homes for a while and figured things out for themselves. 450 00:37:56,19.0113379 --> 00:38:01,799.0113379 they were together since my grandmother was 16, I think, and my grandfather died at 94. 451 00:38:02,394.0113379 --> 00:38:06,764.0113379 my grandmother was alive for about eight, or nine more years after that. 452 00:38:07,584.0113379 --> 00:38:11,474.0113379 absolutely loving and commitment to one another. 453 00:38:11,484.0113379 --> 00:38:13,494.0113379 No one I've ever seen before. 454 00:38:14,574.0113379 --> 00:38:18,54.0113379 They weren't perfect by any stretch, but I love it. 455 00:38:18,444.0113379 --> 00:38:19,474.0113379 Yeah, they were awesome. 456 00:38:19,869.0113379 --> 00:38:33,124.0113379 Great role models I think really the only thing I haven't spoken to, Is learning to advocate I know it's different for you and your husband 'cause you said he's nonverbal, my husband's very verbal. 457 00:38:34,654.0113379 --> 00:38:39,364.0113379 He has his own opinions about everything, which is wonderful It's one of the ways we're really similar. 458 00:38:39,964.0113379 --> 00:38:49,294.0113379 But learning to advocate for somebody who is a strong person who advocates for themselves and doesn't always want someone advocating for them is hard. 459 00:38:50,99.0113379 --> 00:38:53,399.0113379 what I found is that we have to really translate things. 460 00:38:53,849.0113379 --> 00:38:55,709.0113379 We have to translate it for the doctor. 461 00:38:55,709.0113379 --> 00:39:09,389.0113379 he might be explaining something to the doctor, and I, what I'm seeing is this, he may be talking about his back hurting and he's just remembering the last two weeks and I'm saying, yes, but three months ago this is what was happening. 462 00:39:09,509.0113379 --> 00:39:15,39.0113379 And being able to educate people, about him and about our family. 463 00:39:15,609.0113379 --> 00:39:21,669.0113379 And helping them understand we're business owners and we are a face in the community. 464 00:39:21,669.0113379 --> 00:39:23,379.0113379 We have been for a very long time. 465 00:39:23,379.0113379 --> 00:39:27,819.0113379 Most people know us or our business, especially our Christmas chi, Laan farm. 466 00:39:28,509.0113379 --> 00:39:32,559.0113379 And there's been times where people have come out there and seen him all outta sorts. 467 00:39:32,559.0113379 --> 00:39:41,314.0113379 Unraveling, upset, stepping away, and being able to explain that to the community so that they understand a little bit more about. 468 00:39:41,314.0113379 --> 00:39:51,364.0113379 what's going on and why he isn't able to answer the question or why he no longer can email, and so why he only uses text, things like that. 469 00:39:52,4.0113379 --> 00:40:06,34.0113379 And being able to, push back and set boundaries when needed to protect our relationship or our kids or our family, and do all of that while totally supporting who they are, their identity and maintaining their dignity. 470 00:40:06,84.0113379 --> 00:40:08,124.0113379 Like I said, he's very independent. 471 00:40:08,244.0113379 --> 00:40:20,694.0113379 He may not ever make his own doctor's appointments, but he can drive himself there, being able to maintain that independence and that strength he always had, but also knowing when to step in and be a safety net. 472 00:40:21,534.0113379 --> 00:40:22,44.0113379 Yeah. 473 00:40:22,644.0113379 --> 00:40:33,374.0113379 Being on that balance beam and walking that fine line, I'm not, I wouldn't consider myself a caregiver the way that you are because I'm not giving 24 hour care. 474 00:40:33,924.0113379 --> 00:40:37,464.0113379 But I give so much extra support that I never had to give. 475 00:40:38,24.0113379 --> 00:40:48,524.0113379 And trying to navigate, okay, am I being a caregiver right now or am I a wife? And sometimes when I'm a caregiver I don't feel very wifey and, I struggle with that a lot. 476 00:40:48,864.0113379 --> 00:41:00,799.0113379 Trying to figure that balance out, especially with someone who's very independent, but even when he was struggling more, it's a hard balance to try to figure out, because I don't wanna do too little, but I don't wanna do too much. 477 00:41:00,799.0113379 --> 00:41:04,729.0113379 And I still wanna look at him as my husband and support and partner and my teammate. 478 00:41:05,29.0113379 --> 00:41:05,479.0113379 Yeah. 479 00:41:05,539.0113379 --> 00:41:10,39.0113379 And that's definitely somewhere where you need to stay. 480 00:41:10,579.0113379 --> 00:41:21,519.0113379 Because just taking off the wife hat and becoming a full caregiver and not thinking of the person that you love and it's just a job is not a place that you wanna be. 481 00:41:21,889.0113379 --> 00:41:26,269.0113379 I think you do a really great job of continuing to be his wife and loving him that way. 482 00:41:27,934.0113379 --> 00:41:28,684.0113379 Yeah, absolutely. 483 00:41:28,894.0113379 --> 00:41:29,764.0113379 I adore him. 484 00:41:30,184.0113379 --> 00:41:30,964.0113379 I really do. 485 00:41:31,414.0113379 --> 00:41:33,184.0113379 And none of that changed. 486 00:41:34,124.0113379 --> 00:41:37,514.0113379 I don't always like the way things are right now. 487 00:41:37,784.0113379 --> 00:41:41,204.0113379 I don't always like how our lives have changed. 488 00:41:41,484.0113379 --> 00:41:42,564.0113379 It's just hard. 489 00:41:42,564.0113379 --> 00:41:47,594.0113379 It's not what I ever imagined, it's not what our dreams, look like, but. 490 00:41:49,674.0113379 --> 00:42:11,264.0113379 We're working on a new dream and trying to find the balance in that and the peace in that, And another thing I didn't touch on is, when you first get married and you're really young, we talk a lot about when we get old, what we'll do, but a lot of us are afraid to put together our wells and put it all in writing. 491 00:42:11,624.0113379 --> 00:42:16,424.0113379 And I think everyone, it's like you're not supposed to wait until you need it. 492 00:42:16,904.0113379 --> 00:42:19,214.0113379 Everyone should do those things ahead of time. 493 00:42:19,844.0113379 --> 00:42:24,109.0113379 Whether your husband has an injury or not, I really wanted to emphasize. 494 00:42:24,109.0113379 --> 00:42:34,409.0113379 We were really lucky because when we had our daughter, we weren't married yet, I said, no, we need to get our wills in place and everything set up because we don't have the, legal constraints that a marriage would have. 495 00:42:34,459.0113379 --> 00:42:39,539.0113379 we had all that in place, but I think everyone should have written down what their wishes are. 496 00:42:39,634.0113379 --> 00:42:40,434.0113379 I'm glad you brought Yeah. 497 00:42:40,484.0113379 --> 00:42:44,424.0113379 we did not have that will and, had to do after the fact. 498 00:42:44,424.0113379 --> 00:42:51,204.0113379 even though we were married for a lot of years before his accident, I had zero legal. 499 00:42:51,234.0113379 --> 00:42:52,854.0113379 We didn't have the will. 500 00:42:52,884.0113379 --> 00:42:57,494.0113379 We didn't have anything like that, and I had to apply for emergency guardianship. 501 00:42:57,929.0113379 --> 00:42:58,679.0113379 Of my husband. 502 00:42:59,699.0113379 --> 00:43:00,89.0113379 Yeah. 503 00:43:00,169.0113379 --> 00:43:01,369.0113379 I'm a huge advocate for that too. 504 00:43:02,179.0113379 --> 00:43:02,539.0113379 Yeah. 505 00:43:02,589.0113379 --> 00:43:05,169.0113379 My daddy, gave me a book when I was younger. 506 00:43:05,169.0113379 --> 00:43:10,699.0113379 It's I don't know, wear Clean underwear or something, but it was all about making sure you have all these things in place. 507 00:43:10,704.0113379 --> 00:43:15,534.0113379 I think I was 25 and I threw it on a bookshelf, But I pulled that back out as I had kids. 508 00:43:15,534.0113379 --> 00:43:23,514.0113379 I really wanted to know if something happens to us, what's going to happen to our children? Where are they gonna go? the attorneys that we sat down with, did a whole thing. 509 00:43:23,514.0113379 --> 00:43:27,74.0113379 You fill out this whole sheet about what if I'm awake, but I can't eat. 510 00:43:27,74.0113379 --> 00:43:29,564.0113379 What if I am on a breathing tube, but I'm awake. 511 00:43:29,594.0113379 --> 00:43:32,414.0113379 All kinds of questions that, I had never thought about. 512 00:43:32,654.0113379 --> 00:43:37,904.0113379 We put all of that in writing ahead of time and so I felt really comfortable being able to. 513 00:43:37,959.0113379 --> 00:43:40,969.0113379 Speak for him because I know exactly what his wishes were. 514 00:43:41,269.0113379 --> 00:43:44,929.0113379 We also have, power of attorney, healthcare, power of attorney, in case we need them. 515 00:43:44,929.0113379 --> 00:43:53,859.0113379 that's really important because once someone has a brain injury or dementia or CTE they're not able to sign for themselves, especially at the beginning. 516 00:43:53,959.0113379 --> 00:43:57,649.0113379 So that's the other option to get guardianship, like you said. 517 00:43:58,134.0113379 --> 00:43:59,544.0113379 That's a grownup thing to do. 518 00:43:59,724.0113379 --> 00:44:00,174.0113379 Good job. 519 00:44:01,134.0113379 --> 00:44:01,824.0113379 Thanks Dad. 520 00:44:06,234.0113379 --> 00:44:17,234.0113379 I wanna thank you for walking us through, your journey with brain injury and, giving us good reminders to do things like create our will. 521 00:44:17,334.0113379 --> 00:44:28,994.0113379 we never know when life is going to happen, but it will, and to be prepared is going to lift a huge burden off of your loved one who then has to make those choices for you. 522 00:44:29,864.0113379 --> 00:44:30,794.0113379 Absolutely. 523 00:44:31,284.0113379 --> 00:44:34,434.0113379 And to be prepared to step into that role. 524 00:44:34,734.0113379 --> 00:44:36,714.0113379 A lot of times we get married and we make that commitment. 525 00:44:36,714.0113379 --> 00:44:39,824.0113379 We don't really understand what that We're just two fools in love. 526 00:44:40,514.0113379 --> 00:44:41,654.0113379 That's exactly right. 527 00:44:41,904.0113379 --> 00:44:43,584.0113379 it's so much deeper than that. 528 00:44:43,709.0113379 --> 00:44:44,519.0113379 we're really lucky. 529 00:44:44,519.0113379 --> 00:44:45,539.0113379 We're very blessed. 530 00:44:45,589.0113379 --> 00:44:48,79.0113379 things could have been a whole lot worse for us. 531 00:44:48,599.0113379 --> 00:44:49,469.0113379 we're very blessed. 532 00:44:51,434.0113379 --> 00:44:52,934.0113379 Thanks for joining us today, Val. 533 00:44:54,84.0113379 --> 00:44:56,994.0113379 Thanks for tuning in to real lives of TBI, wives friends. 534 00:44:57,384.0113379 --> 00:45:00,114.0113379 If this episode spoke to you, please subscribe. 535 00:45:00,114.0113379 --> 00:45:03,504.0113379 Leave a review and share it with another TBI wife who needs to hear it. 536 00:45:03,954.0113379 --> 00:45:07,434.0113379 You are seen, you are supported, and you are stronger than you know.