July 25, 2024 • 25 mins
Finding Fulfillment: When Life Isn't as Imagined
In this episode of the Restored Wife podcast, Brenda Kradolfer delves into the often unspoken reality of feeling unfulfilled despite having everything you thought you wanted. Brenda shares her personal journey of navigating through feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction, even while seemingly having it all—a home, children, and a committed partner. She explores how a lack of self-awareness and the burden of unrealistic expectations, or "the manual," can weigh down a relationship. Brenda also introduces Jen Banks from Let Yourself Bloom, who discusses her own transformative experience through workshops and private coaching. Together, they emphasize the importance of gratitude, awareness, and relinquishing control to foster deeper connections and joy in marriage.
#RestoredWifePodcast #RelationshipAwareness #MarriageTransformation #SelfDiscovery #GratitudeInMarriage #IntimacySkills #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalFulfillment #HealthyRelationships
00:00 The Restored Wife podcast explores what's getting in the way of fulfilling relationships
09:38 Your workshop aims to restore happiness, joy and fun in your marriage
11:33 What was the most impactful thing from the workshop on gratitude
14:42 Can you share a moment during the workshop or private coaching when you felt a significant shift or breakthrough
16:34 You mentioned letting go of some things you were controlling in your marriage
17:22 What advice would you give to someone who is thinking about doing a workshop or private coaching
18:59 You've made a commitment this year to improve your relationship
20:14 What's your vision for your relationship moving forward? Even more closeness and connection
23:58 Brenda shares the secrets to a supportive, loving partnership with Jen
Ride the Wave Media [Ride the Wave Media](https://www.ridethewavemedia.com)
Laura Doyle [Laura Doyle](https://lauradoyle.org)
Jodi Moore [Jodi Moore](https://jodimoore.com)
Brenda Kradolfer Coaching [Brenda Kradolfer Coaching](https://www.brendaKradolfercoaching.com)
Relationship Coaching, Laura Doyle, Marriage Advice, Self-Discovery, Relationship Awareness, Intimacy Skills, Relationship Expectations, Emotional Connection, Relationship Workshops, Private Coaching, Gratitude In Marriage, Communication In Relationships, Relationship Transformation, Marriage Fulfillment, Relationship Maintenance, Relationship Breakthroughs, Supportive Partnership, Relationship Visualization, Relationship Improvement, Relationship Commitment
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
riverside_episode_5 intro_ depre... _ jul 25, 2024 002_the_restored wife (:
Welcome back to the Restored Wife (00:09):
undefined
podcast, where together we discover what'sgetting in the way of you having all you
want in your relationship and in life.
I'm Brenda Kradolfer Certified Laura DoyleRelationship Coach, and today we'll be
talking about when things aren't fine, butwe go along with life as though they are.
(00:31):
It might look something like this.
You wake up in the morning, unrefreshed,uninspired to start the day.
You wake up because you haveto, not because you're looking
forward to anything in particular.
There's still some hope there though,so you go about your day, but days
like this turn into weeks, then years.
(00:54):
There's the promise of a new day,but it quickly fizzles out as you
realize nothing has changed and thingsaren't as you imagined they would be.
You might even have everything youdesired up to this point, your own home,
children, a person who is committedto do life with you, but somehow it's
(01:15):
not what you imagined it would be.
You don't feel like you thought you would.
Even though on paper,things look pretty good.
That's where I was several years agowhen I had two small children at home.
I know how numbing it can feeland how unfulfilling it can be.
(01:37):
The joy and deep satisfaction youthought you would feel with all
of these things just isn't there.
You may have been like me and thoughtthat having your own home would
alleviate the stress and discomfortyou felt living in someone else's
home or renting while you got onyour feet or finished your education.
You might look at the man you marriedand wonder if he'll ever see you
(02:00):
the way you long for him to, or tounderstand what you're going through.
You might be drowning in all theresponsibilities of running a home
and feel like the only responsibleadult, while your husband escapes the
monotony by going to work every day.
His life looks pretty good and yoursfeels empty, even though it's filled
(02:22):
with the things you said that you wanted.
There's like an undefined,unacknowledged heaviness.
It's lonely.
But if you're anything likeI was, you don't realize you
have any reason to feel lonely.
What I lacked back then wasjust an awareness of what I
(02:45):
needed and wanted in life.
And I was able to kind of just gothrough and ride the wave and get help
along the way, but it was fleeting.
Something would come along that wouldhelp me and take me out of kind of
a negative mindset, but then I wouldinevitably go back to it somehow.
(03:08):
And things went on like that for along time and it was really hard on
some days and some days were great.
When I started doing more like selfdiscovery work and just learning more
about myself and receiving opportunitiesto learn from other people, that's
when I really started to gain adifferent perspective about myself and
(03:32):
about my relationship, my marriage.
One of the first things that Idiscovered was something I learned
from Jodi Moore about the manual.
So the manual is like something you createfor your husband or for your marriage and
it's filled with a lot of expectations.
It's filled with things that youthink a good marriage should have or
(03:55):
a husband, things that he should do.
It might come from how you were broughtup or what you learned from school
or observing other relationshipsand it can get huge and it can
keep growing and It can put a lotof pressure on your relationship.
(04:16):
And when I learned about the manualand that I created it and that I
could also throw it out, I didn'thave to live according to this manual.
I sensed a feeling of relief.
There was something in me that wantedto throw out my manual, that could
see that it was weighing me down.
(04:37):
It was not good for my relationship,but I also really felt like the things
in my manual were super important.
That they were the rightthings to have in a manual.
But just knowing that I hadcreated it and that there was a
possibility to throw it out and have
(05:01):
less expectations.
On my relationship and on my husband, Icould see that there was a possibility
there, a possibility for more connectionand closeness and more of what I wanted
in my relationship and in my life.
And then I read a book that broughteven more perspective to what I
(05:22):
had been doing all of those years.
And some of the things that I lacked, someof the communication things that I lacked,
and also Some of the awareness that Ijust didn't have about how to have and
how to create closeness in a relationship.
A lot of the things that Ithought I needed to do or have
(05:47):
just weren't necessary the waythat I thought that they were.
So that's what really changed things forme is when I could see myself and see what
I was doing and what it was doing to myrelationship, which was creating a rift.
And I was projecting things intoour home that weren't really what I
(06:12):
wanted, what, what I longed to have.
I was projecting a lot of coldness,honestly, because I was just hurt a lot.
And I didn't know how to change it.
And I just mostly thoughtit was my husband's fault.
But when I learned that I had alot more power than I thought I
(06:33):
did, things started to change.
And today I have.
the kind of closeness andconnection and peace and love in my
relationship that I always wanted.
And honestly, it was always there for me.
I just didn't always know how toaccess it or how to appreciate
(06:55):
it or how to nurture it.
And so I'm excited today tohave a guest on the podcast.
I'm going to be talking to JenBanks from Let Yourself Bloom.
And we're going to talk about her journey.
And More about this idea ofawareness and how to get more of it.
(07:15):
Jen has taken my workshop andshe's also received private
coaching, which I just love.
I love her commitment to herrelationship and So Jen, what,
like, what made you decide to dothe workshop and get coaching?
Well, the workshop wasbecause of a friend.
(07:35):
She saw this workshop and said,Oh, let's all do this together
as friends and in person.
And that really drew me toit because I love in person.
We're doing this interview in person.
I just love that connection.
There's such a deeper levelwhen you're in person.
And so.
That kind of helped medip my toes into it.
And once I was in it, I was loving it.
(07:56):
And then it actually caused me tomake a new year's resolution to
really prioritize my marriage in 2024.
So that was in January.
And then shortly afterI had a call from you.
Asking me if I wanted tomove to one on one coaching.
And I decided to take the leapbecause I had already committed
to improve my relationship.
(08:16):
And so that seemed likethe natural next step.
And I knew I could go deeper withthe skills in one on one coaching.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
And it's fun to do it withfriends, to like have people.
You're doing it with, andyou can kind of share.
And I've always heard with groupcoaching, you are so beneficial
to each other in sharing yourexperiences, you learn from them.
(08:38):
And, you know, we can't make all themistakes in life, or that would be
very painful if we had to make all themistakes in life and then learn from them.
So we can, Learn from othersexperiences, whether they are,
you know, mistakes or successes.
Yeah.
One of the things that I loved abouthow this particular workshop came about
was, because typically I do workshopsall online, we do them on Zoom but
(08:59):
we had kind of a girls night where Ishared A part of my story and something
that really helped me and it seemed toresonate with a lot of people there and so
that's how we kind of came up with this,like, let's do an in person workshop.
So we did this workshop at my house withjust people from our community and it
was, it was different but it was awesome.
Like, even that night at the girls night,people opened up and wanted to share
(09:22):
about, you know, some of their painpoints, which I was so impressed by that,
that everybody was just willing to shareand it was a safe space for us to do that.
And so we just kind of carried it on intothe full workshop where, you know, we, we
deep dive into all the intimacy skills.
What, like, what was your situation?
What was your mindsetcoming into the workshop?
(09:46):
Well, my husband and I havebeen married for nine years.
And so we joked that we've passedthe seven year itch and have
gotten to a place where we'recomfortable, but almost complacent.
And we take each other forgranted, or we, you know.
Seem to have more of a partnership becausewe've learned how to do life together.
And we kind of have just gotteninto that routine, which can
(10:08):
also feel like a rut sometimes.
And so when I heard your messageto restore the happiness, the joy,
the light and fun in your marriage,that really appealed to me because.
There was nothing wrong,but it could be better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can totally relate to that.
That's, that's kind ofhow I came into it too.
(10:29):
And then I got way morethan I bargained for.
I was like, Oh, there's lots ofstuff lurking underneath that
I didn't even know was there.
But I love that.
I love that you had already committed toyour relationship in 2024 and then you
just had this, you know, added layer of,of making it better and like you knew
where you were at and just wanting to takeit further and get out of, you know, those
(10:51):
ruts that come along in relationships whenyou've been married for a little while.
It's interesting because I'm in pelvicfloor therapy right now and I went
in because of diastasis recti, butI have since learned there are other
things underneath the diastasis recti.
So just going to your pointof, you know, you find other
things that you could work on.
(11:11):
It's interesting.
It's good because then you kindof work more on preventative care
or just on, you know, the holisticapproach instead of just treating
that one area that you think is wrong.
Yeah, I love that.
I love that perspective.
The holistic approach.
I'm like just peeling back the layers.
Kind of getting to the bottomof what's really going on.
What's, you know.
(11:32):
Yeah, I love that.
What was like the most impactfulthing from the workshop or from
private coaching, would you say?
What sticks out in my mindfirst off is gratitude.
That was the most impactful skill inthe workshop because it's funny, I was,
It was right around my birthday, andmy husband gave me some gifts, as you
(11:56):
do for birthdays, and I just rememberbecause of what I had learned in the
workshop to express gratitude andappreciation and acknowledge that he
had given me these gifts instead of,you know, letting it show on my face
that I wasn't really happy with whathe gave me, or maybe it wasn't what I
expected, and so he gave me these bowls.
(12:17):
For our kitchen.
And I just really laid iton like, wow, thank you.
Because I had, I had beenwanting bowls for our kitchen.
And so that was something that he noticed.
And so just really paying attention.
And validating him for noticing thatthat is something that I wanted.
Maybe they weren't the style thatI had expected or the quality, but
again, that he had sought, he sawthe need and felt, filled it and come
(12:42):
to realize, I really do love them.
And it grew my gratitude over timebecause I had started in that place
instead of starting from a placeof, Oh, I do get me these, you know,
just turning that, that narrative.
I love that.
Okay, so yeah, I see howthat like flipped around.
So what would it have been like in thepast, like, you know, maybe two years
ago if you had gotten these bowls?
(13:03):
Yeah, in the past I, and evenstill, of course, you know, still
working on it, but I tend to show myemotions on my face very apparently.
And so you can tell howI'm feeling right away.
I'm an open book.
And so if I, Wasn't super thrilled.
I would just say, Oh, okay, thank you.
You know, just that light, not reallyacknowledging much and just moving
(13:27):
on to the next thing really quick.
But in this case, instead, there wereat least three times that I mentioned,
Oh, thank you for these bowls.
This is awesome.
This is a great addition to our kitchen.
And yeah, just switching that thoughtimmediately allowed my face to reflect.
And so, uh, later on he even commentedand said, I didn't know that you
(13:50):
would have loved him so much.
And you just, you could tellthat it, it helped him feel
like he did a good thing for me.
Yeah.
He could really feel the appreciation.
And I love how you were able to likehave that thought, like preconceived,
like you had already planned to go in itwith, go into it with gratitude and it,
Like it changed your facial expressions.
Cause I think that's so hard sometimesthat like, even if we're showing up
(14:14):
in a particular way, like our facesometimes shows, you know, through,
but I love hearing that, that you.
Kind of it already committed to gratitudeand it came through on your face, too.
It's really cool.
And now you love the bowls.
Yes, right?
I know.
I was like, actually they do matchour kitchen and this is cool.
And yeah, it's just nice to have.
Yeah, we have a lot of thingslike that in our house.
I'm like, not quite what I wanted, butthen I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad
(14:37):
we have these and I didn't have tostress out about getting the right thing
either because I would do that also.
Yeah, a lot.
Can you share a moment during theworkshop or private coaching when you
felt a significant shift or breakthrough?
Did you have an experience like that?
Hmm.
My big breakthroughs werechanging the phrasing.
(14:57):
So even just the phrase, I can'twas helpful in relinquishing
control and, you know, gettingrid of my own agenda or just.
Just setting boundaries for myself inwhat I can and can't do or, you know,
to be a happy fulfilled wife and, andreally being clear about communicating
(15:20):
that and preserving the connection insteadof my own drama or whatever's going on.
So I love that, that shift toconsider your words and if you are
preserving the connection there.
Interesting.
So just, yeah, it sounds like it wasLike there's just more awareness there
about what you were saying, how youwere saying it, and Maybe the cost
(15:46):
behind going about it differently.
Yeah, for sure.
And I heard recently that awarenessis 50 percent of the solution.
So that's huge to just change it rightaway from awareness, you know, and then
work on it from that jumpstart too.
Right.
Yeah, I love that.
Awareness is huge, right?
I just think about like, So often I'ma fish in the ocean and I have no idea
(16:10):
that I'm like surrounded by ocean, youknow, and so awareness It's just key.
It's like you don't knowwhat you don't know, right?
Which is why conversations like these areso important because someone listening
may then gain that awareness or welearn as we go and It's also reassuring
to know that it's never too late.
You can always improve fromwhere you're at or, you know, you
(16:30):
haven't gone too far to fix things.
Right.
Yeah.
Love that.
So you mentioned kind of likeyou're, you were able to let some
things go or to let go of, youknow, controlling certain things.
Can you tell me more about that?
Hmm.
Yes.
I feel like I'm kind ofcontrolling by nature and just, I.
I tend to make a lot of the decisionsand guide the pace and the activities
(16:55):
in our life and just stepping back alittle bit and using the cheat phrases
again, whatever you think, or openingit more for a discussion rather than me
just deciding and going with something.
And I feel like it's created a lotmore ownership in my husband of,
yes, I'm a part of this team andnot just going along for the ride.
(17:19):
Cool.
I love that.
I love that.
Like what advice would you give to someonewho is thinking about doing a workshop or
maybe is interested in private coaching?
What would you say to her?
I would say that it's worth it becauseI think a lot of times, We're hesitant
because we say, Oh, I could learnthat myself, or I don't want to pay
(17:42):
that money or, you know, just whateverreasons that come up or excuses,
however you want to define them.
But I just, I felt like what I'vegained in learning these skills,
both in the workshop and the one onone coaching has far exceeded any
price that I've paid or any sacrificethat it was to get there because.
(18:07):
A relationship lasts forever andyou want to treat it, well it can
last forever, if you treat it likea precious item and really just put
in the work and the effort to do it.
People, people say marriage ishard work and it is, but not in
the ways you always think and so.
Just figuring out how to putin that hard work to match the
(18:30):
relationship that you want out of it.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Like, what's, what's the outcome?
Like, just doing the right kindof work, because I think sometimes
we do the wrong kind of workand maybe we, things get worse.
Yeah.
I've loved learning about energy andthe exchange of energy there, because
if If you want your relationshipto be a certain way, then you've
(18:52):
got to put that energy into itbecause you get out what you put in.
And so, yeah, yeah, just matching that.
Yeah, totally.
I love that.
How do you plan to like continue growingand, and just improving your relationship?
It sounds like you've already likemade leaps and bounds in, in your
commitment this year to grow, you know,to prioritizing that relationship.
(19:13):
What's kind of your plan moving forward?
That's a good question.
I really am grateful for this conversationbecause even this is a reminder to
recommit and to go back to the notes.
I have this huge notebook full of notesand, and it's helpful because I tend
to forget things and, don't we all?
Yeah.
Right?
(19:33):
And I know that it's importantand, It's a new skill.
And so it requires training andpractice and, you know, you wouldn't
just brush your teeth and then sayyou're good for the rest of your life.
It takes maintenance or takes, you know,just putting the time in to actually
use the skills and cultivate them tomaturity because I'm, I'm just a baby
(19:57):
at, at learning all these skills, butnot that I don't have other skills in
my toolbox or other things, but this isone of them that it's, if I can really
sharpen this ax, then it'll help me.
You know, have the precision in the,in the relationship that I want.
Yeah, I like that.
What's your vision for yourrelationship moving forward?
(20:18):
Even more closeness and connection.
I recently saw a birth video and theparents, I just was looking at their
relationship and it was, it just seemedso tender and connected and important.
And just, Seeing that from outside eyeshelped me give a window like, Oh, what
are people seeing from the outside?
(20:39):
Not as a way to judge therelationship, but just as a way to
observe and get curious about, Oh,how are we treating each other?
Or how are we communicating and touchingand all of those things that exhibit love?
Just, again, a greater awareness in, inwhat I want it to look like and feel like.
Yeah.
Sounds like you want it.
(21:01):
Some more tenderness, maybe, and like tojust really cultivate that connection.
And I love what you saidabout like the reminders.
Like I need reminders all the time.
Like I can, I can read something likea hundred times and feel like I got it.
And then somehow like it can justfall to the wayside sometimes.
So I need the reminders.
(21:21):
I need the maintenance of thethings that are important to me too.
So I love that you're alreadylike keenly aware of that.
And.
Yeah, I love what, I love what you'replanning moving forward that you just
really want to deepen the connectionand the intimacy in your relationship.
I love that you shared that because Ilook at you and say, Oh, she's got it.
She has these skills.
She can say them.
(21:42):
She can do them.
And yes, you've had a lot more practice,but also it's comforting to know that
you've had a lot of reminders too.
And also in word isdifferent than in practice.
And so yeah, just practicing what we readand, and that will help remind us too.
No relationship is perfect, but Iknow that like, like this morning
I was listening to something whileI was out on a walk and it was just
(22:04):
the reminder that I needed to like,okay, this is who I want to be today.
And I don't know if I would havebeen, I don't know if I would have
been any worse or like, I don't know.
I just, there was an emphasis on it.
Kind of like what you did with, you know,just pre committing to show up grateful
for something and to preserve intimacyand connection in your relationship.
And.
(22:25):
That's what that was for me thismorning was listening to those and
just just being reminded, like,this is who I want to be today.
And.
Yeah, and I know that when I do that,like, like I can't go wrong kind of, you
know, like, like even if things aren'tperfect, you know, cause they're not,
you know, things happen, but I know thatI am being the person that I want to be.
(22:48):
That's so good because I've beenreflecting a lot on visualizations
lately and I've heard too in sports.
People who visualize their game orthey visualize the next day do a lot
better, even just from visualizing.
And so if we visualize our marriageor relationship that same way, we can
make a lot of progress or anticipateconversations or interactions and, and
(23:10):
thereby give more preparation to it.
So that's good.
Well, thank you so much, Jen, forcoming and sharing your experience.
It's so fun to be able towork with my friends too.
And yeah, I mean, it's sucha, our relationships are so.
So precious, so tender, sojust, they're private too.
So it's, it's not always easy to talkabout them, but I know for me, like having
(23:36):
that safe space to talk about things andto have somebody listen and empathize,
and then share something that's, Youknow, maybe I hadn't considered has
been just a huge blessing for me.
So appreciate what you shared today.
Thank you.
And thank you for havingme on your podcast.
I love having conversations with you anyold time, but especially on a podcast.
Yes.
(23:57):
Awesome.
Thanks, Jen.
Are you hitting some roadblocksin your relationship?
Maybe you're fighting all thetime and things seem hopeless.
Or maybe things are good, but youknow intuitively they could be better.
I wanted my relationship with myhusband to be my best relationship,
but I was often defensive andeasily agitated and a challenger to
(24:17):
rise and I questioned everything.
And then I found the surprising secretsto a supportive, loving partnership
and I've never had more help or feltmore loved and cherished by my husband.
If this sounds good to you, I'dlove to invite you to join me
for a 100 percent free live classon Zoom, how to get respect,
(24:37):
reconnect, and rev up your love life.
This is your chance to discoverthe secrets to a thriving,
passionate relationship that lasts.
There are multiple dates availableand times for your convenience.
Head over to Brendakradolfercoaching.com.
com to register and reserve your spot.
That's www.
Brendakradolfercoaching.com.
com.
(24:58):
Let's create the life andrelationship you've always dreamed of.
You can register for free atBrendakradolfercoaching.com.
com.
I can't wait to see you there.
And don't forget to listen andsubscribe to the Restored Wife Podcast.
And as always, a special thank you to Ridethe Wave Media for making this episode
available wherever you get your podcasts.
(25:19):
We'll see you next week.
undefined
podcast, where together we discover what'sgetting in the way of you having all you
want in your relationship and in life.
I'm Brenda Kradolfer Certified Laura DoyleRelationship Coach, and today we'll be
talking about when things aren't fine, butwe go along with life as though they are.
(00:31):
It might look something like this.
You wake up in the morning, unrefreshed,uninspired to start the day.
You wake up because you haveto, not because you're looking
forward to anything in particular.
There's still some hope there though,so you go about your day, but days
like this turn into weeks, then years.
(00:54):
There's the promise of a new day,but it quickly fizzles out as you
realize nothing has changed and thingsaren't as you imagined they would be.
You might even have everything youdesired up to this point, your own home,
children, a person who is committedto do life with you, but somehow it's
(01:15):
not what you imagined it would be.
You don't feel like you thought you would.
Even though on paper,things look pretty good.
That's where I was several years agowhen I had two small children at home.
I know how numbing it can feeland how unfulfilling it can be.
(01:37):
The joy and deep satisfaction youthought you would feel with all
of these things just isn't there.
You may have been like me and thoughtthat having your own home would
alleviate the stress and discomfortyou felt living in someone else's
home or renting while you got onyour feet or finished your education.
You might look at the man you marriedand wonder if he'll ever see you
(02:00):
the way you long for him to, or tounderstand what you're going through.
You might be drowning in all theresponsibilities of running a home
and feel like the only responsibleadult, while your husband escapes the
monotony by going to work every day.
His life looks pretty good and yoursfeels empty, even though it's filled
(02:22):
with the things you said that you wanted.
There's like an undefined,unacknowledged heaviness.
It's lonely.
But if you're anything likeI was, you don't realize you
have any reason to feel lonely.
What I lacked back then wasjust an awareness of what I
(02:45):
needed and wanted in life.
And I was able to kind of just gothrough and ride the wave and get help
along the way, but it was fleeting.
Something would come along that wouldhelp me and take me out of kind of
a negative mindset, but then I wouldinevitably go back to it somehow.
(03:08):
And things went on like that for along time and it was really hard on
some days and some days were great.
When I started doing more like selfdiscovery work and just learning more
about myself and receiving opportunitiesto learn from other people, that's
when I really started to gain adifferent perspective about myself and
(03:32):
about my relationship, my marriage.
One of the first things that Idiscovered was something I learned
from Jodi Moore about the manual.
So the manual is like something you createfor your husband or for your marriage and
it's filled with a lot of expectations.
It's filled with things that youthink a good marriage should have or
(03:55):
a husband, things that he should do.
It might come from how you were broughtup or what you learned from school
or observing other relationshipsand it can get huge and it can
keep growing and It can put a lotof pressure on your relationship.
(04:16):
And when I learned about the manualand that I created it and that I
could also throw it out, I didn'thave to live according to this manual.
I sensed a feeling of relief.
There was something in me that wantedto throw out my manual, that could
see that it was weighing me down.
(04:37):
It was not good for my relationship,but I also really felt like the things
in my manual were super important.
That they were the rightthings to have in a manual.
But just knowing that I hadcreated it and that there was a
possibility to throw it out and have
(05:01):
less expectations.
On my relationship and on my husband, Icould see that there was a possibility
there, a possibility for more connectionand closeness and more of what I wanted
in my relationship and in my life.
And then I read a book that broughteven more perspective to what I
(05:22):
had been doing all of those years.
And some of the things that I lacked, someof the communication things that I lacked,
and also Some of the awareness that Ijust didn't have about how to have and
how to create closeness in a relationship.
A lot of the things that Ithought I needed to do or have
(05:47):
just weren't necessary the waythat I thought that they were.
So that's what really changed things forme is when I could see myself and see what
I was doing and what it was doing to myrelationship, which was creating a rift.
And I was projecting things intoour home that weren't really what I
(06:12):
wanted, what, what I longed to have.
I was projecting a lot of coldness,honestly, because I was just hurt a lot.
And I didn't know how to change it.
And I just mostly thoughtit was my husband's fault.
But when I learned that I had alot more power than I thought I
(06:33):
did, things started to change.
And today I have.
the kind of closeness andconnection and peace and love in my
relationship that I always wanted.
And honestly, it was always there for me.
I just didn't always know how toaccess it or how to appreciate
(06:55):
it or how to nurture it.
And so I'm excited today tohave a guest on the podcast.
I'm going to be talking to JenBanks from Let Yourself Bloom.
And we're going to talk about her journey.
And More about this idea ofawareness and how to get more of it.
(07:15):
Jen has taken my workshop andshe's also received private
coaching, which I just love.
I love her commitment to herrelationship and So Jen, what,
like, what made you decide to dothe workshop and get coaching?
Well, the workshop wasbecause of a friend.
(07:35):
She saw this workshop and said,Oh, let's all do this together
as friends and in person.
And that really drew me toit because I love in person.
We're doing this interview in person.
I just love that connection.
There's such a deeper levelwhen you're in person.
And so.
That kind of helped medip my toes into it.
And once I was in it, I was loving it.
(07:56):
And then it actually caused me tomake a new year's resolution to
really prioritize my marriage in 2024.
So that was in January.
And then shortly afterI had a call from you.
Asking me if I wanted tomove to one on one coaching.
And I decided to take the leapbecause I had already committed
to improve my relationship.
(08:16):
And so that seemed likethe natural next step.
And I knew I could go deeper withthe skills in one on one coaching.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
And it's fun to do it withfriends, to like have people.
You're doing it with, andyou can kind of share.
And I've always heard with groupcoaching, you are so beneficial
to each other in sharing yourexperiences, you learn from them.
(08:38):
And, you know, we can't make all themistakes in life, or that would be
very painful if we had to make all themistakes in life and then learn from them.
So we can, Learn from othersexperiences, whether they are,
you know, mistakes or successes.
Yeah.
One of the things that I loved abouthow this particular workshop came about
was, because typically I do workshopsall online, we do them on Zoom but
(08:59):
we had kind of a girls night where Ishared A part of my story and something
that really helped me and it seemed toresonate with a lot of people there and so
that's how we kind of came up with this,like, let's do an in person workshop.
So we did this workshop at my house withjust people from our community and it
was, it was different but it was awesome.
Like, even that night at the girls night,people opened up and wanted to share
(09:22):
about, you know, some of their painpoints, which I was so impressed by that,
that everybody was just willing to shareand it was a safe space for us to do that.
And so we just kind of carried it on intothe full workshop where, you know, we, we
deep dive into all the intimacy skills.
What, like, what was your situation?
What was your mindsetcoming into the workshop?
(09:46):
Well, my husband and I havebeen married for nine years.
And so we joked that we've passedthe seven year itch and have
gotten to a place where we'recomfortable, but almost complacent.
And we take each other forgranted, or we, you know.
Seem to have more of a partnership becausewe've learned how to do life together.
And we kind of have just gotteninto that routine, which can
(10:08):
also feel like a rut sometimes.
And so when I heard your messageto restore the happiness, the joy,
the light and fun in your marriage,that really appealed to me because.
There was nothing wrong,but it could be better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can totally relate to that.
That's, that's kind ofhow I came into it too.
(10:29):
And then I got way morethan I bargained for.
I was like, Oh, there's lots ofstuff lurking underneath that
I didn't even know was there.
But I love that.
I love that you had already committed toyour relationship in 2024 and then you
just had this, you know, added layer of,of making it better and like you knew
where you were at and just wanting to takeit further and get out of, you know, those
(10:51):
ruts that come along in relationships whenyou've been married for a little while.
It's interesting because I'm in pelvicfloor therapy right now and I went
in because of diastasis recti, butI have since learned there are other
things underneath the diastasis recti.
So just going to your pointof, you know, you find other
things that you could work on.
(11:11):
It's interesting.
It's good because then you kindof work more on preventative care
or just on, you know, the holisticapproach instead of just treating
that one area that you think is wrong.
Yeah, I love that.
I love that perspective.
The holistic approach.
I'm like just peeling back the layers.
Kind of getting to the bottomof what's really going on.
What's, you know.
(11:32):
Yeah, I love that.
What was like the most impactfulthing from the workshop or from
private coaching, would you say?
What sticks out in my mindfirst off is gratitude.
That was the most impactful skill inthe workshop because it's funny, I was,
It was right around my birthday, andmy husband gave me some gifts, as you
(11:56):
do for birthdays, and I just rememberbecause of what I had learned in the
workshop to express gratitude andappreciation and acknowledge that he
had given me these gifts instead of,you know, letting it show on my face
that I wasn't really happy with whathe gave me, or maybe it wasn't what I
expected, and so he gave me these bowls.
(12:17):
For our kitchen.
And I just really laid iton like, wow, thank you.
Because I had, I had beenwanting bowls for our kitchen.
And so that was something that he noticed.
And so just really paying attention.
And validating him for noticing thatthat is something that I wanted.
Maybe they weren't the style thatI had expected or the quality, but
again, that he had sought, he sawthe need and felt, filled it and come
(12:42):
to realize, I really do love them.
And it grew my gratitude over timebecause I had started in that place
instead of starting from a placeof, Oh, I do get me these, you know,
just turning that, that narrative.
I love that.
Okay, so yeah, I see howthat like flipped around.
So what would it have been like in thepast, like, you know, maybe two years
ago if you had gotten these bowls?
(13:03):
Yeah, in the past I, and evenstill, of course, you know, still
working on it, but I tend to show myemotions on my face very apparently.
And so you can tell howI'm feeling right away.
I'm an open book.
And so if I, Wasn't super thrilled.
I would just say, Oh, okay, thank you.
You know, just that light, not reallyacknowledging much and just moving
(13:27):
on to the next thing really quick.
But in this case, instead, there wereat least three times that I mentioned,
Oh, thank you for these bowls.
This is awesome.
This is a great addition to our kitchen.
And yeah, just switching that thoughtimmediately allowed my face to reflect.
And so, uh, later on he even commentedand said, I didn't know that you
(13:50):
would have loved him so much.
And you just, you could tellthat it, it helped him feel
like he did a good thing for me.
Yeah.
He could really feel the appreciation.
And I love how you were able to likehave that thought, like preconceived,
like you had already planned to go in itwith, go into it with gratitude and it,
Like it changed your facial expressions.
Cause I think that's so hard sometimesthat like, even if we're showing up
(14:14):
in a particular way, like our facesometimes shows, you know, through,
but I love hearing that, that you.
Kind of it already committed to gratitudeand it came through on your face, too.
It's really cool.
And now you love the bowls.
Yes, right?
I know.
I was like, actually they do matchour kitchen and this is cool.
And yeah, it's just nice to have.
Yeah, we have a lot of thingslike that in our house.
I'm like, not quite what I wanted, butthen I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad
(14:37):
we have these and I didn't have tostress out about getting the right thing
either because I would do that also.
Yeah, a lot.
Can you share a moment during theworkshop or private coaching when you
felt a significant shift or breakthrough?
Did you have an experience like that?
Hmm.
My big breakthroughs werechanging the phrasing.
(14:57):
So even just the phrase, I can'twas helpful in relinquishing
control and, you know, gettingrid of my own agenda or just.
Just setting boundaries for myself inwhat I can and can't do or, you know,
to be a happy fulfilled wife and, andreally being clear about communicating
(15:20):
that and preserving the connection insteadof my own drama or whatever's going on.
So I love that, that shift toconsider your words and if you are
preserving the connection there.
Interesting.
So just, yeah, it sounds like it wasLike there's just more awareness there
about what you were saying, how youwere saying it, and Maybe the cost
(15:46):
behind going about it differently.
Yeah, for sure.
And I heard recently that awarenessis 50 percent of the solution.
So that's huge to just change it rightaway from awareness, you know, and then
work on it from that jumpstart too.
Right.
Yeah, I love that.
Awareness is huge, right?
I just think about like, So often I'ma fish in the ocean and I have no idea
(16:10):
that I'm like surrounded by ocean, youknow, and so awareness It's just key.
It's like you don't knowwhat you don't know, right?
Which is why conversations like these areso important because someone listening
may then gain that awareness or welearn as we go and It's also reassuring
to know that it's never too late.
You can always improve fromwhere you're at or, you know, you
(16:30):
haven't gone too far to fix things.
Right.
Yeah.
Love that.
So you mentioned kind of likeyou're, you were able to let some
things go or to let go of, youknow, controlling certain things.
Can you tell me more about that?
Hmm.
Yes.
I feel like I'm kind ofcontrolling by nature and just, I.
I tend to make a lot of the decisionsand guide the pace and the activities
(16:55):
in our life and just stepping back alittle bit and using the cheat phrases
again, whatever you think, or openingit more for a discussion rather than me
just deciding and going with something.
And I feel like it's created a lotmore ownership in my husband of,
yes, I'm a part of this team andnot just going along for the ride.
(17:19):
Cool.
I love that.
I love that.
Like what advice would you give to someonewho is thinking about doing a workshop or
maybe is interested in private coaching?
What would you say to her?
I would say that it's worth it becauseI think a lot of times, We're hesitant
because we say, Oh, I could learnthat myself, or I don't want to pay
(17:42):
that money or, you know, just whateverreasons that come up or excuses,
however you want to define them.
But I just, I felt like what I'vegained in learning these skills,
both in the workshop and the one onone coaching has far exceeded any
price that I've paid or any sacrificethat it was to get there because.
(18:07):
A relationship lasts forever andyou want to treat it, well it can
last forever, if you treat it likea precious item and really just put
in the work and the effort to do it.
People, people say marriage ishard work and it is, but not in
the ways you always think and so.
Just figuring out how to putin that hard work to match the
(18:30):
relationship that you want out of it.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Like, what's, what's the outcome?
Like, just doing the right kindof work, because I think sometimes
we do the wrong kind of workand maybe we, things get worse.
Yeah.
I've loved learning about energy andthe exchange of energy there, because
if If you want your relationshipto be a certain way, then you've
(18:52):
got to put that energy into itbecause you get out what you put in.
And so, yeah, yeah, just matching that.
Yeah, totally.
I love that.
How do you plan to like continue growingand, and just improving your relationship?
It sounds like you've already likemade leaps and bounds in, in your
commitment this year to grow, you know,to prioritizing that relationship.
(19:13):
What's kind of your plan moving forward?
That's a good question.
I really am grateful for this conversationbecause even this is a reminder to
recommit and to go back to the notes.
I have this huge notebook full of notesand, and it's helpful because I tend
to forget things and, don't we all?
Yeah.
Right?
(19:33):
And I know that it's importantand, It's a new skill.
And so it requires training andpractice and, you know, you wouldn't
just brush your teeth and then sayyou're good for the rest of your life.
It takes maintenance or takes, you know,just putting the time in to actually
use the skills and cultivate them tomaturity because I'm, I'm just a baby
(19:57):
at, at learning all these skills, butnot that I don't have other skills in
my toolbox or other things, but this isone of them that it's, if I can really
sharpen this ax, then it'll help me.
You know, have the precision in the,in the relationship that I want.
Yeah, I like that.
What's your vision for yourrelationship moving forward?
(20:18):
Even more closeness and connection.
I recently saw a birth video and theparents, I just was looking at their
relationship and it was, it just seemedso tender and connected and important.
And just, Seeing that from outside eyeshelped me give a window like, Oh, what
are people seeing from the outside?
(20:39):
Not as a way to judge therelationship, but just as a way to
observe and get curious about, Oh,how are we treating each other?
Or how are we communicating and touchingand all of those things that exhibit love?
Just, again, a greater awareness in, inwhat I want it to look like and feel like.
Yeah.
Sounds like you want it.
(21:01):
Some more tenderness, maybe, and like tojust really cultivate that connection.
And I love what you saidabout like the reminders.
Like I need reminders all the time.
Like I can, I can read something likea hundred times and feel like I got it.
And then somehow like it can justfall to the wayside sometimes.
So I need the reminders.
(21:21):
I need the maintenance of thethings that are important to me too.
So I love that you're alreadylike keenly aware of that.
And.
Yeah, I love what, I love what you'replanning moving forward that you just
really want to deepen the connectionand the intimacy in your relationship.
I love that you shared that because Ilook at you and say, Oh, she's got it.
She has these skills.
She can say them.
(21:42):
She can do them.
And yes, you've had a lot more practice,but also it's comforting to know that
you've had a lot of reminders too.
And also in word isdifferent than in practice.
And so yeah, just practicing what we readand, and that will help remind us too.
No relationship is perfect, but Iknow that like, like this morning
I was listening to something whileI was out on a walk and it was just
(22:04):
the reminder that I needed to like,okay, this is who I want to be today.
And I don't know if I would havebeen, I don't know if I would have
been any worse or like, I don't know.
I just, there was an emphasis on it.
Kind of like what you did with, you know,just pre committing to show up grateful
for something and to preserve intimacyand connection in your relationship.
And.
(22:25):
That's what that was for me thismorning was listening to those and
just just being reminded, like,this is who I want to be today.
And.
Yeah, and I know that when I do that,like, like I can't go wrong kind of, you
know, like, like even if things aren'tperfect, you know, cause they're not,
you know, things happen, but I know thatI am being the person that I want to be.
(22:48):
That's so good because I've beenreflecting a lot on visualizations
lately and I've heard too in sports.
People who visualize their game orthey visualize the next day do a lot
better, even just from visualizing.
And so if we visualize our marriageor relationship that same way, we can
make a lot of progress or anticipateconversations or interactions and, and
(23:10):
thereby give more preparation to it.
So that's good.
Well, thank you so much, Jen, forcoming and sharing your experience.
It's so fun to be able towork with my friends too.
And yeah, I mean, it's sucha, our relationships are so.
So precious, so tender, sojust, they're private too.
So it's, it's not always easy to talkabout them, but I know for me, like having
(23:36):
that safe space to talk about things andto have somebody listen and empathize,
and then share something that's, Youknow, maybe I hadn't considered has
been just a huge blessing for me.
So appreciate what you shared today.
Thank you.
And thank you for havingme on your podcast.
I love having conversations with you anyold time, but especially on a podcast.
Yes.
(23:57):
Awesome.
Thanks, Jen.
Are you hitting some roadblocksin your relationship?
Maybe you're fighting all thetime and things seem hopeless.
Or maybe things are good, but youknow intuitively they could be better.
I wanted my relationship with myhusband to be my best relationship,
but I was often defensive andeasily agitated and a challenger to
(24:17):
rise and I questioned everything.
And then I found the surprising secretsto a supportive, loving partnership
and I've never had more help or feltmore loved and cherished by my husband.
If this sounds good to you, I'dlove to invite you to join me
for a 100 percent free live classon Zoom, how to get respect,
(24:37):
reconnect, and rev up your love life.
This is your chance to discoverthe secrets to a thriving,
passionate relationship that lasts.
There are multiple dates availableand times for your convenience.
Head over to Brendakradolfercoaching.com.
com to register and reserve your spot.
That's www.
Brendakradolfercoaching.com.
com.
(24:58):
Let's create the life andrelationship you've always dreamed of.
You can register for free atBrendakradolfercoaching.com.
com.
I can't wait to see you there.
And don't forget to listen andsubscribe to the Restored Wife Podcast.
And as always, a special thank you to Ridethe Wave Media for making this episode
available wherever you get your podcasts.
(25:19):
We'll see you next week.
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