March 18, 2024 • 53 mins
MOMentum in Motherhood: Navigating Work, Life, and Joy
In this episode of the Restored Wife podcast, Brenda Kudelfer converses with Tina Salisbury about her approach to helping working moms find true work-life balance. Tina, a relationship coach and founder of the MOMentum coaching practice, shares her personal journey and insights into achieving fulfillment and balance amidst the challenges of motherhood and career. They explore the importance of clarity, asking better questions, and being proactive in managing one's time and commitments. Special attention is given to overcoming guilt, setting priorities,
#RestoredWifePodcast #RelationshipCoaching #WorkLifeBalance #MomEmpowerment #WorkingMomLife #FamilyPriorities #SelfCare #MindsetShift #SuccessAndFulfillment #PersonalGrowth
00:00 Welcome to the Restored Wife Podcast with Special Guest Tina Salzberg 01:43 Tina Salzberg's Journey to Work-Life Balance 06:16 The Importance of Asking Better Questions for Personal Fulfillment 06:48 Practical Steps to Achieving Balance and Fulfillment 10:20 Overcoming Guilt and Prioritizing Self-Care 14:31 Specific Strategies for Finding Fulfillment and Balance 24:22 Redefining Balance for a Fulfilling Life 27:13 The Ironman Challenge: Balancing Family, Work, and Training 27:36 Adjusting Priorities: Finding Balance in a Busy Life 28:09 Embracing Seasonal Shifts: Letting Go for Greater Balance 28:39 Redefining Balance: From Time Management to Self-Management 29:37 The Power of Asking Better Questions for Personal Growth 31:14 Harmony vs. Balance: A New Perspective on Life's Symphony 33:15 Navigating Motherhood: Strategies for Moms with Young Kids 44:32 The Momentum Summit: A Beacon for Moms Seeking Clarity and Balance 52:03 Personal Insights and Fun Facts: Getting to Know the Speaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
I'm Brenda Kudelfer, yourhost and relationship coach.
And today I have a veryspecial guest with me.
Who I'm so excited for us to talk to.
I have Tina Salzberg with me and sheworks with successful working moms to help
them cultivate the work life, like thetrue work life balance in their lives.
(00:32):
And Tina is the creator of the come aliveidentity formula and founder of momentum.
And that's mom all in caps.
And it's a group coaching practicethat supports working moms and helps
them create their ideal lifestylewhere they can achieve success in
their personal goals without feelinglike they're failing as a wife and
mom, which I think is so valuable.
(00:53):
So thanks, Tina.
Is there anything that I missedthat you want to add to that?
Yeah, no.
Thank you for having me on here.
I'm super excited and hope to add.
Just some new awareness andlevels of depth to finding
this thing called balance.
That's definitely not anything new thatwe've been searching for, but hopefully we
can look at it some different ways today.
(01:15):
I love that.
Awesome.
Well, this is a relationship podcast,so we're just going to like throw Tina
right in the middle of This idea ofhow can we navigate balancing our own
personal fulfillment with relationshipsand family responsibilities that we have?
(01:36):
Yeah.
Good.
I'll just jump in.
How do you help?
How do you help your clients?
I guess is what I should say.
Yeah, definitely.
And really, This is my own story.
So that's really why I'm so passionateabout it is because this was me.
This is something that I haveto continue to fight for.
We all have to fight for what thatmeans to have balance and to find
(02:00):
beyond success fulfillment, right?
That harmony, that blend between.
Balancing the things that are importantto us, whether that be work or other
interests or hobbies or goals andtaking care of our family and our
relationship with our spouse andsignificant others and those things
that are most important to us.
So really coming from that storyworking myself as a corporate mom
(02:23):
for 13 years and really feeling like.
The only option that I hadwas to either leave work or to
feel like I was always failing.
My family became something that as a lifecoach has really become a mission for
me to help women in particular, becausewe are so hard on ourselves about that.
(02:45):
To really understand, we getthe opportunity to have both.
And that wasn't really something that evercame into my mind was how can I have both?
It was really just felt like when you'reat work, it needs to be all about work.
And I was distracted by what it meant.
I wasn't giving my family.
And when I was at home, it justseemed that those work boundaries
(03:05):
would just bleed into that home time.
I would be on my laptop or answeringanother email or distracted on my phone
and just always felt like I was fallingreally flat as a mom and being present.
And in particular, I had when my sonwas three, this one incident where he
was trying to show me a toy that he had.
(03:26):
And, of course I was saying, huh.
Okay.
I see.
And that I was on my laptopand I was typing away.
And all of a sudden thislittle hand came up.
And closed the lid to my laptopand he said, Here, mommy here.
And of course you could imagine theheartbreak of just hearing those
words and in him, that tangibleevidence that he saw that I wasn't
(03:49):
being present in that moment with him.
And it was definitely one ofthose moments where you're like,
okay, I got to change some thingsto make sure that this happens.
So that's why I think, balance isso important for us, but I also
think it's important that we.
Really make sure we understandwhat that is and personalize that
(04:11):
specifically, what that is for us.
To be able to to own that authentically.
Because what balance looks likefor me is very different than
what it will look like for you.
And also at different seasons in our life.
Right?
It can change.
As a mom of babies and toddlers, whatI had to give to my family and the
(04:32):
ways that they needed me to show upfor them are very different than now
where most of my kids are almost orentering or have been teenagers and,
Entering into adulthood now and whatthat looks like and what that dynamic is.
So, rather than, I just rememberfeeling so disheartened in that, and
(04:52):
it was hard and always very heavy, Ihope that whatever, what we discussed
today can really help you to make thisfeel light and doable and enjoyable,
and you feel more peace and morepresence and more capable to, Just
cultivate that in your life becausethat's where we really find joy.
(05:14):
That's where all of these things thatwe work so hard for really start to,
to matter and come together for us.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Just that idea of.
Like the piece that can, that is availablethere that can't, you can have, but it is
a matter of really like asking yourself,like, what does this look like to me?
(05:36):
And what I love that you brought that up,that it looks different for everybody.
And I know for me, like one thingthat I do with my clients is we
talk a lot about like, how are youfeeling and what do you really want?
What is, what is the ultimate goal here?
What is the vision?
That you're trying to create in your home.
How do you want to feel?
So if you want to feel peaceful, thenlike, let's work on, the actions or
(05:58):
the yeah, just getting to that placethat, that, that vision that we would
need to create the feeling of peace.
Yeah, I love that, right?
Because it means let's slowdown just a minute, right?
To start to actually ask ourselves theright questions to really understand
what it is we want in the first place.
So, with that, I really broughtthree points today, Brenda, to help
(06:20):
you and to help everyone listeningto really start to understand.
Okay, so I know I want this.
I want to feel balanced.
And I want to have fulfillment.
I want to have the things I want,but I also want to make sure that I'm
maintaining and having space for goodfamily relationships and to be present.
So I'd love to dive into thosethree points and really give us some
(06:43):
tangible things we can start doing.
Yeah, let's do it.
I'm excited.
All right.
Awesome.
So my first point, right, again, helpingyou find fulfillment and balance within
these roles as a working mom is to firstunderstand why aren't we there now?
Right?
So just like you were saying,Brenda, I think this goes so well.
It's like, what are we're, we get reallybusy focusing on Everything we need
(07:07):
to do and then just doing the thingsor, when we want to feel differently,
it's like, okay, what else can I do?
Or maybe I just need to domore is typically the answer
that's first on our plate.
And when we can start askingourselves better questions, that
right there is going to bring awhole lot of peace and alignment
because we're going to have clarity.
(07:27):
So clarity is that first key for that.
So instead of focusing on the doing aquestion that I really get my clients to
focus in on is who do I need to become?
Who do I need to be to havethis life that I want to create?
And so instead of trying to, like,get out of feeling overwhelmed or
(07:49):
feeling too much stress, just like yousaid, it's that first question, like,
how do I want this to feel instead?
Right?
And when I feel that way in my life,What actually could change and how
would that look different for me?
And who do I need to now be, nowthat I know those things, who do I
(08:09):
need to be to start creating that?
And when we start to do that forourselves we're now looking at Instead
of just trying to get away from that,we're standing tall in our identity.
We're identifying the things thatmatter to us, and we can start actually
coming up with a lot of solutions.
I don't know about you, but when Ilook at my outside circumstances, a
(08:32):
lot of times I just feel stuck to say.
I'm just going to have to wait this out.
Right.
Or maybe after a certain amount oftime, it'll just get easier or better.
And I would always find myselfwaiting for something else to change.
And eventually I really realized I'mlike, I'm going to miss a lot of life.
(08:52):
If I just keep waiting for it to go past.
Right.
If I just keep waiting for some magicmoment to make everything better,
because We're always going to be busy.
We're always going to havea lot on our plate, right?
And honestly, don't we want it that way?
Don't we want to have areally full and amazing life?
We just don't want to have the emotionsthat we're creating along with that.
(09:16):
And the reason that we're there is becauseeverything that comes in front of us.
becomes important instead of usallowing us to really understand,
like, what do I want to be important?
So we have to take somepersonal ownership.
That's hard sometimes, right?
Because it's easy for otherthings to be the problem.
But when we do stand tall,In who we need to be.
(09:39):
And then we start working to becomethat person, not all at one time, but
taking the steps, it's going to feelso much better, especially when we
focus on how we want that to feel allalong the way for us to get there.
Yeah.
I love that you brought up.
Waiting for the thing to happen.
Like for me, it was like, K when all mykids are out of diapers or when all my
(09:59):
kids are in school and like, it just,that would just go on and on, like
there, there was, there's never reallyan end to that, if that is my focus,
like, Oh, I can do this, or I can havethis when this other thing happens.
And it's really like the opposite,I think is what you're saying.
Yeah.
And definitely a a biglimitation that I see.
(10:20):
Us moms falsely tell ourselves is thatWhat if i'm going to give something
to myself that I need So that i'mtaking better care of myself or I
get the time and replenishment thatI need That it means i'm taking this
time away from someone else, right?
Like so if I go downstairs tomy gym to do a workout Well, I'm
(10:40):
stealing that time away from mykids who might also need something.
And that brings, what,a lot of guilt, right?
We, we have a lot of guilt around that.
And it's false guilt, right?
It's self induced guilt becausewe're, it's how we're thinking
about that's causing that.
So instead of me feeling like this istaking away time for, from my kids.
(11:01):
What if instead we thought abouthow we felt when we exercised
or after we exercised, right?
I don't know about you,but I feel energetic.
I feel proud.
I feel confident after I work out.
And I would much rather momfrom that type of perspective
that I'm a confident, energetic.
(11:22):
self fulfilled mom, rather than feellike a depleted guilty mom, right?
Like what type of energy do you wantto, do you really want to parent from?
That in itself can help us to startto stand tall in taking care of
our own needs when we know We'regoing to show up as a better mom.
And when we do, that's actually goingto give so much more to our kids.
(11:46):
So remind yourself ofthat for your own needs.
It's like, what, how am I going tofeel after I do this thing for myself?
Or when I accomplished thisthing for myself, right.
Or along the way, as I'm doing thisfor myself and how is that going
to translate to what I give to myspouse, to my kids, to the other
people that are important in my life.
(12:07):
And if it's an improvement, we owe it toourselves and to them to do those things.
Yeah.
And nobody else can do it for you.
Like you have to do that thing.
You have to make that the priority,but I like there is that space
where there's some guilt there.
Like, and I know for me, it'sthe same when I self care
(12:29):
is a huge thing for me now.
And I had to fight the guilt toget through it, to get to the
shopping trip or the walk outside.
And, during though, I'm feeling good.
It's like it fades into the backgroundjust as I go through the motions.
And then I come home or I come backand, oh my gosh, yes, I'm the mom.
(12:49):
I'm like, yes, let's play a game.
Let's, what do you need?
I'm just there and I'm enjoying it.
It's not like this drag that like,oh, they need something again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And times to get to that place.
Yeah.
To push aside the self inducedguilt that you were talking about.
Yeah.
So number one, no, likethat's normal, right?
(13:11):
That is normal.
That is the normal responsefor all of us to feel that.
And then it's also really goodto find those times where we
have done that for ourselves.
So that when that, those opportunitiesfor guilt come back up, because
they will come back up, right?
We can remind ourselves, Oh, actually itwasn't a selfish thing for me to do this.
(13:33):
I have tons of evidence that thisis something that really benefits my
family and gives us back time, right?
So I've really found gettingcoached in those times, right?
Cause there will be timesthat those come back.
So allowing myself.
One, to just, again, ask betterquestions of myself to get more
clarity about what matters.
And then two, just have somebody helpme with some really great questions
(13:58):
that's outside of my mind that canreally help me to see it in a better
way, is very helpful with that.
So, huge, really important.
Love that, ask better questions.
Definitely.
Ask better questions.
If nothing else, right?
Just know, like, I'm going to ask myselfsome better questions about how this
could be for me, how it could be for myfamily, how this could be for my kids.
(14:20):
And, again, if it's going to bean improvement for how you show up
for everyone else, You owe it toyourself and them to go and make
sure that you take care of yourself.
All right.
So as we move on to point numbertwo, so number two to really, again,
help us with this fulfillment andfinding more balance is to get
your yes through more specificity.
(14:42):
All right.
So here's what I mean byget to Your yes, right?
So once we understand and we have moreclarity about what we should do we feel
again, like if I want to have a goal as amom, so for example, if I want to work on
weight loss or, I want to run a race orI just want to have a few moments of time
(15:02):
where I can step away every day to takecare of myself in some way oftentimes.
The misconception or how we chooseto do that is to try to work
that goal around everything andeveryone else in our lives, right?
So it's like, okay, today I'mgoing to exercise, but we don't
usually plan a very specific time.
(15:24):
We just say today I'mgoing to exercise, right?
Or today I'm going to go for the walk.
And.
We try to incorporate that intojust happening for us, right?
Where everything witheveryone else, right?
My kids need to be at schoolat this specific time.
I need to be at workat this specific time.
I've got this appointment.
(15:45):
So I go at this specific time.
Do you see like a disconnect in waysthat we typically handle our goals
versus how we handle everyone else'sagendas and needs and things like that?
Like it's in the phone, right?
It's in my calendar.
I've got those times.
Yeah, so I'll teach you my favoriteword, and that's specificity.
(16:08):
Specificity.
We have to give ourselves the sameamount of specificity, the same
amount of time in our calendars.
The same way that we give otherpeople time in our calendars, we
need to do that for ourselves, right?
Because the bottom line is, very rarelyare we going to just happen to fit it in.
(16:29):
Because no matter, how much wewant to have that, we're going to
just handle what's in front of us.
Right.
And I heard this said very well onetime that really resonated with me and
she was teaching about time management.
I can't remember who it was to givecredit to it, but I remember that she
had said if you have a lot of things thatare urgent in your life all of the time.
(16:54):
then you're not planning very well, right?
So, and I thought, ooh, do Ifeel like things are urgent?
In front of me and things I haveto get to right away, right?
Is my to do list really long?
Do I never seem to get to the end of that?
Am I making everything urgent in my life?
And a lot of times we do.
And again it's because if somethingcomes in front of us, again,
(17:17):
especially as women, like we're goingto take it on, we can take it on.
Like we are just good at that.
We're good at doing all of the things andtaking care of multiple things at a time.
And it's all very great, forus to recognize that those are
good things about ourselves.
But again, if we are not specificallyplanning that time for ourselves,
(17:37):
we're going to get to the end of theday and feel very unfulfilled, right?
I have had so many days where Iwould go to bed and I would be like,
I didn't get anything done today.
And, if I would stop and askmyself, wait, Tina, is that true?
Is that really true?
I'd probably come up with a listof 30 to 40 things that I was
(17:59):
able to get accomplished that day.
But because I never actually stoppedto recognize that one, I just
felt like a failure a lot of days.
And then two, if I would have stoppedto do that and I would have said, wait,
so now if I'm recognizing I did like30 or 40 things today, I'm going to Why
am I going to bed feeling like this?
(18:19):
Why do I feel this way?
It's a really good litmus testfor us to start saying, right,
what's not getting accomplished.
That's leaving me feeling emptyinstead of full at the end of the day.
Right.
Like think of the differencebetween the days you go to bed.
Like, you're just like, thiswas such an amazing day.
Right.
Maybe you were really productiveand you had that quality family
(18:41):
time, like every bucket got filled.
And then some days where you feellike totally, you didn't get to it.
Right?
What if we stop and start questioninglike, why is that happening for us?
Why do we feel that way?
So that we can then have the awarenessto start putting in the things
that we need to start putting in.
Yeah.
I started doing that in like, causeI would get through the morning and I
(19:03):
would just feel like I was exhaustedby like nine or 10 and I'm like, what?
Like I don't even know what I did.
I didn't do anything.
And then I started sitting downand just writing everything down.
I went through literally everything like.
Oh, I saw the dog's waterneeded to be filled.
I filled up the dog's water.
I switched the laundry.
I went to the bathroom even,just like every little thing.
I got a snack.
(19:24):
I took my kids to school.
It added up pretty quick.
And then it also gave me confidenceto be like, Oh my gosh, I do so much.
And like, yeah, not only, I don't haveto frame it as an, I deserve a break, but
it's like, well, of course I'm exhaustedand I want to give this to myself.
Yeah.
And I also see that.
Fill me back up.
(19:44):
And it gave me confidence to be like, ifsomething wasn't done, it was like, well,
I did a lot already, and that can wait.
And it wasn't like, I didn't haveall this turmoil about those things
that, that weren't getting done.
Also.
Yes, definitely.
So a couple of like, okay,how do you apply this?
(20:04):
Right.
Getting to our yesthrough more specificity.
So again, number one, we just needto know what's important to us.
Right.
What, how do we want togive back to ourselves?
I call these like energy givers.
There's certain thingsthat I do in my day.
That are just for me, but they give meenergy so that I can then, again, go out
into the world and be the best coach,be the best mom, be the best wife.
(20:28):
And when I know what those thingsare, instead of just hoping that they
come or maybe even planning for themlast, I teach my clients, like we're
going to put the good stuff in first.
We call it the good stuff.
Right?
This is the good stuff, the things thatwe want to get to the time for ourselves,
the self care, the socializing andgetting out with other people, the family
(20:50):
time, where we want to be unpluggedand just totally present in our life.
Like that is the good stuff.
And if we plan for that first, right,We're going to get those things.
It's like, that analogy whereyou have like rocks, boulders,
pebbles, sand, and you're tryingto fit it all into the jar, right?
(21:11):
And they show this that, we justput the sand in first and then we,
try to put in the bigger things.
And like by the end, it'slike none, it doesn't all fit.
But when we start with, putting in thebiggest folders and then we put in the
next size rock and then the next smallestrock and then the next smallest rock and
then at the very end we start fillingit in with all of the sand, right?
(21:34):
What happens?
All of the sudden we can have, wehave so much more capacity to hold.
All of it.
And that's important to rememberbecause what you need to, again,
show up as your very best self, likethe things that you need to give you
energy back, those are the boulders.
And if you don't fit them in first,they're not going to fit into your life.
(21:56):
Right?
So for every yes, we mighthave to say a thousand no's.
Right?
For every yes that really doesmatter, it does require us to also
say no to the things that we have.
But, again, if we align it correctly,I'm, I guarantee you'll start to
be able to fit in more in yourlife than you think you can hold.
(22:19):
But you'll also be fulfilled becausethere won't be a bucket, in particular
you, that's left off the table.
Oh, I love that so much, Tina.
It's so fun to hear it in a different,in like different wording because
say it's like really similar whatI help my clients do as well.
We just call it a few different things.
Like, like what makesyou ridiculously happy?
(22:41):
We're going to, the same thing,like we're going to schedule in
those three things a day first.
And yeah, like it's weirdhow it happens, right.
That your time and your space expandswhen you're filling that bucket.
With those like boulders, whichsounds heavy, but it's like,
no, it's they're that important.
They wait, like it's a weight measure.
(23:02):
Yeah.
I love that.
I think I'm going to create thatevery day for myself, Brenda, with
ways to be ridiculously happy.
I love that.
And something to like helpourselves at the end of the day.
Right.
So we do.
Don't walk into bed feelingunfulfilled is a practice of just
telling yourself three things you'regrateful for that day, or three
(23:23):
things that you're proud of that day.
Right.
So those days when you're less like,Nope, I'm not proud of anything.
There wasn't anything.
And you're like, it's not true.
Like, what did you do todaythat you could be proud of?
And give yourself permissionto find the little things.
Because your mind's going to say therewas nothing major or huge in this day.
And guess what?
(23:44):
In most of our ordinary lives, there'snot something huge, momentous, every
single day that we accomplish, butthose consistent acts of taking care of
ourselves, of showing up for the work thatwe are here to do, those things matter.
And when we start to just recognizethose for ourselves, hold gratitude
(24:05):
for those, be proud of ourselvesthat we've accomplished it.
Like that whole transition of fillingmore joy, feeling more peace in your life.
We'll be there.
We'll be there when wedo that for ourselves.
Definitely.
I couldn't agree more.
Good.
Okay.
The last one to talk aboutis really just using a better
(24:26):
definition of balance, right?
So if you think about like balance or worklife balance, like how do you define that?
Most, most commonly we're defining it asbeing able to Do all of the things that
we want for equal amounts of time, right?
And that we're able tolike carry everything.
(24:47):
And I would challenge you to thinkabout that because I know when I
felt that, balance was going tomean I was going to be able to hold
everything and do everything, and itwas going to feel easy to do that.
It never happened.
I just, Continued to wait.
So I've since developed a really a muchbetter and fluid definition of what
balance is, and that is that balance isdoing the right things at the right times.
(25:12):
Balance is doing the rightthings at the right times.
So, it really requires us todo a couple of things, right?
So, first of all, like, I have todecide what are the right things, right?
What are the things thatactually do matter in my life?
And some of those things might be, comevery easily for you to identify, but
(25:32):
I also want you to think beyond, like,the roles that you play to actually,
like, what makes you feel What makesyou like a good question to ask yourself
is what do I want to be known for?
So if thing, if yourlife had passed, right?
Like when you're looking at legacyand things that you want to leave,
like what do you want to be known for?
(25:54):
It's a really great questionbecause it really helps us to know
what things are important for us.
And you might answerthat 10 different ways.
Which is awesome, right?
And you can find those 10 thingsthat are most important for you.
So first we have to know likewhat the right things are.
And second, we have to reallylook at the season that we're in.
(26:15):
And when we look at those thingsthat are important, say what
needs to be important right now.
So when in, in my life right now,like this is a season of work.
This is a season of growingthis coaching practice.
This is a season of giving anddeveloping my programs and my
offerings to be better for my clients.
(26:36):
But once I have gone through thisseason and I have these things in
place and they're more automatizedand they're systematized my
season will change to where workdoesn't have to take as much time.
But right now, while it's taking moretime, I have to think if I'm going to give
more time to this particular priority,what do I not have as much time for?
(27:00):
So a past season, a couple ofyears ago, I was in the season
of training for an Ironman.
So in that season of trainingfor an Ironman, I also had to
decide like what to adjust, right?
Because training for an Ironman.
Really takes anywhere from15 to 20 hours a week.
It's a part time job in itself tomake this goal an accomplishment.
(27:21):
So, I knew when I did that,that I was going to have to
put a higher priority there.
I really had to do some checksand balances with my family.
Cause they were goingto have to support me.
Was I going to be able to hold all ofthe things that I wanted to at work?
I had to make some decisions about that.
So now in this season of taking on morework it's My athletic schedule looks
(27:43):
like one bike ride a week and a fewdays of training for strength training.
And getting on a walk insteadof maybe 40 minutes a day,
like 10 minutes a day, right?
Go out, get some sunshine,still enjoy that.
But I've had to adjust those things.
It doesn't mean they're not important.
(28:03):
It just means right now there's somethingthat needs more time in my life.
And I love this concept.
And I hope that as you're hearingthis, like it gives you just a sense
of relief to ask yourself, like, whatam I, what is, what am I requiring to
take more time or feeling like needs tohave more time in my life that really
(28:26):
doesn't need more time right now.
And in fact, it's actuallyhonoring that thing to let it go.
And give me more time for the rightthings in this right season, right?
Because time, right, we all want moretime, but we don't need more time.
We actually just need to manageourselves better in our time.
(28:47):
And when we can really do this throughbalance and really understanding,
again, this more correct definitionthat we don't have to do everything.
That we can still have things thatare important to us and are the
right things, but maybe get less timeright now and just focus really on
giving ourselves permission to do theright things and let everything else
(29:12):
be for a different season, right?
Let that be something exciting for us tolook forward to instead of something that
we're feeling not enough in right now.
Oh, I like that switch.
Like, if it's causing me to feel likeI'm not enough by not doing that thing
right now, maybe it does need to justgo somewhere else for a little while.
(29:35):
Yeah, definitely.
So, practice those three things.
I think if we're practicing those threethings, right, getting more clear,
Asking ourselves better questions,focusing on who we need to be more
often than what we need to start doingand what we need to do more, getting
more specific with our yes, right?
How do we get there?
(29:56):
Making sure that we're using ourcalendar and scheduling our needs the
same that we do everyone else's needs.
And then three, starting to adoptthis better definition of balance.
I know that as we do those threethings, like you will move from feeling
chaotic to more peace and alignment.
You will feel it, you will leave feelinglike instead of maybe succeeding in one
(30:19):
area of your life, that, you There'sthe possibility or that you can start
to see these glimmers of hope that youare rocking it in so many different
ways in so many areas of your life.
And that's what's important, right?
Is that feeling that we get becauseall of the goals, all of the
successes, all of the things thatwe're really striving for are really
to help us to feel a certain way.
(30:41):
So just as you started,Brenda, which was so great.
It's like.
How do we want to feel in our life, right?
What's the feeling that we're after?
Because all of the goals thatyou have are because it's trying
to get you to move towards thatfeeling because that feeling is you.
That feeling is who you are.
(31:01):
It really is your truth.
To own and honor that.
That's why we set goals to go afterthose certain feelings in our life.
So beautiful.
Thank you.
I love it all.
It's so great.
I love the idea of, I really love the ideaof changing the definition of balance.
Like I was sitting here thinkinglike, is there another word we
could use instead of balance?
(31:22):
But i'm like, I don'tknow if there's enough.
I don't know.
Yeah But i'll tell you like theword that I love to use is harmony.
Harmony Right?
And I use a, I talk aboutbalance a lot just because That's
what people are familiar with.
That's what they want to,they want it to be about.
But I really love the, I love the ideaof harmony because harmony kind of takes
(31:44):
away like that picture of the scalesand everything having to be equal and
gives me like this blend, harmony isjust this, like, think of a choir,
like the perfect music group, right?
And when they have, when they're inharmony, it's just like this amazing
opening, light filled, joy filled.
feeling that we get.
(32:04):
So I really love, I guess you can adoptany word that you want, but I love to
think about harmony because not onlyof the picture, like it's a much better
picture for me, but also that feeling Ican put myself right in there and know
like when you've hit that sweet spot.
Right.
Yeah.
I can visualize that.
Like I'm seeing the three notes andjust, just the right spot, three
(32:27):
different things coming togetherto make that beautiful melody.
And it's so like soothing to be in thatplace of harmony versus something like
dissonance where it's like, like, I'vegot all these things going on that I
want to do or that are in my life andlike, the feeling inside is dissonance,
like where I feel disconnected from.
(32:48):
Maybe either thing that I'm tryingto do, or that maybe there's this,
like, there's a desire in there that'shidden that I can't even get to.
Cause I'm so consumed by all the othernotes that I'm hearing in my mind.
Yeah.
Right.
And that makes a good case, right.
To eliminate all of that.
Or put it to the side so that youcan just focus on exactly what
(33:10):
matters, which was those three notes.
Yeah, I love that.
I do have one question for you becauseI'm in a, the phase of life that I'm in
now is like my kids are all in school.
This was like a thing that Ihad in my head for the longest
time, when my kids are in school.
And So I'm just wondering, like, whatadvice do you have for moms of little
(33:30):
kids who have little kids at home and,or either they're stay at home moms
and they're like, this is all I cando right now, or, like, maybe there's
like a mix going on or just, like, doyou have any advice for those moms?
Cause I know that's when I struggledprobably the most was when it felt
like that consumed all my time andthere wasn't a way to get away.
(33:52):
I didn't have any concept of.
This is bad guilt.
It felt like good guilt, like I wouldtry to do something for myself, and
I'd be like, okay, my baby's onlygoing to be a baby for a limited time.
Like, why am I doing, why am I justsitting here at this thing that I'm
doing and not at home with that baby?
(34:14):
Yeah, definitely.
Thanks for asking this because Ithink it's such an important question
and, again for stay at home moms,for working moms again, that stage
of life when our kids are small isa whole different life, isn't it?
Right?
It just really is a different life andI remember being in the thick of it
that I just didn't know if I was goingto like, It just was overwhelming,
(34:37):
like in every sense of the word.
There was so much to do.
There was so many needs to have.
So again, first I would justrecognize like, this is the way
it's supposed to feel, right?
When we have young kids, they are young,like they don't have much independence.
They do rely on us for a lot of things.
So, understanding, and Ithink, I have five kids.
(34:57):
So, the first few were justtotally like, Drowning.
It felt just like drowning.
And I remember, as I started toget closer and closer to that
time where I'm like, I'm not gonnahave babies really anymore, right?
Like, this is gonna be, this isthe end or close to the end for us.
Instead of like, Feeling like wakingup to feed the baby and feeling tired
(35:19):
or just focusing on that, right.
I still was tired, but instead of focusingon those, I tried to focus on what I
really wanted to remember and have fromthis moment and those like nighttime
feedings and some of those times that.
Had been so overwhelming, becamelike relished time, right?
The times that I reallyloved with my kids.
(35:40):
And so one, I think just understandinglike this is a season and what do
we want to take from this season?
Right.
Again, using that definition of balanceof, what really needs to matter right now.
I remember, I just felt like.
Hey, I have this new baby, but itdidn't occur to me that I wouldn't
be able to do everything thatI was already doing in my life.
(36:02):
Right.
And it just, it's not possible.
Right.
So I think one, just theawareness of, Oh, there actually
is this tiny human in my life.
And I've actually never been a mom.
I've never experienced any of this.
This is all new and I'm learning allalong the way to recognize like, that's
going to take some time and some effort.
So.
Again, using that new definition ofbalance, hopefully that makes that
(36:26):
really a lot clearer to say, what thingscan I keep on my plate right now and
what might need to wait for a season.
So that, that can be valuable in itself.
And then secondly, I would say, Wedo still need the good stuff, right?
Both for ourselves and for thethings that we're creating, right?
And give yourself permissionto put in the good stuff.
(36:49):
And in working, I'm thinking of one clientin particular, and it was so hard for
her to think about how she could do that.
And I was in the sameposition too, because I felt
I needed to do it all right.
I needed to be there for all ofthe things that the kids needed.
I needed to be the one.
to be there.
It was hard for me to ask for help towatch my kids or things like that, right?
(37:11):
I would feel guilty or feel likeI should be the one, like I get
that that belief that I needto be the one to do everything.
If you want to keep it, we can, butit might not be serving you very well.
So, but the way that I would probablyadvise that you can move through that
(37:32):
is because typically when we think,like, Well, what solutions do I have?
We might think of like one thing.
It's like, if my mom is available,she can watch the baby, but if
she's not available, I can't do allof these things that I want to do.
I can't go for a walk or I can'thave 10 minutes to go take a
shower or I can't step outsideto go see a friend or have lunch.
(37:54):
Right.
So.
Instead of that, I just, I love to welcomepeople to give themselves what I call
a menu of options, a menu of options.
So you might have, when you think abouthow could I make this possible, right?
That's a really important question.
Not can this happen, but howcould I make this happen?
I want you to think about five to 10 waysthat it can be possible for you, right?
(38:18):
So you stepping So you'relike, okay, I want to go for
I want to go for a run, right?
So how could I make that possible?
Number one, I could call my mom and shecould watch my, she could watch the baby.
And now that was the easy one, right?
So it's like, okay, howelse could that happen?
How else could that happen?
And these don't have to be realistic.
(38:39):
Like let yourself be playful andjust think like, wow, if anything
were possible, how could this happen?
Right.
Maybe it would be.
That I could hire a babysitter.
Maybe I would get creative andsay, what other new moms do I know?
And could we swap childcareso that, I have some time off
and she has some time off.
One creative way I found to get thatdone was using the childcare at the gym.
(39:04):
I would take my, I would take my youngkids in and let them play with other
kids and I would go get my swim done.
And have time for that.
Right.
So like, keep asking yourself some ofthe first few are going to probably
be easy solutions because they'rethe ones that you typically think you
need to go to, but ask yourself toget a little bit more creative, right?
(39:25):
Again, don't make them have to beright or things that you have to do.
Just say, how could it be possible?
If I didn't have any restrictions,everything's available to me.
How could it be possible?
And what this is going to do is allow youto start seeing that the things that you
need and want are possible for you, right?
And if you try somethingand it doesn't work, right?
(39:49):
What's really great about having themenu of options is instead of saying,
now I can't have this or do this.
Now you're just going to say,okay, well, what else can I try?
Because I have like sevenother things that I can try.
It didn't the one that I chosedidn't have to be the right one.
Right.
And think how freeing that isnow, instead of being like, I
(40:11):
tried it and it doesn't work.
It never works out for me.
I can't have this to say, Oh,well, that one didn't work.
Well, that was a good experiment.
And now I can say, whatelse will work for me?
Right.
How else could this be possible?
So asking her again, asking ourselvesthose better questions, using a
better definition of balance, andthen three, like, allowing ourselves
(40:33):
to really think about how we canmake the things that we want.
possible in our life.
Outside the box, outside of the rulesthat we've typically given ourselves.
Let's just make it happen.
And that will create, thatcreates so much balance.
And I think moms whodo stay at home, right?
Like, that is work.
That is probably morework than any of us do.
(40:53):
When I quit my corporate job and, camehome to be a stay at home mom, I thought,
Oh my gosh, work is such a break.
Work is such a break.
And so we need to remember that,that being home doesn't mean that we
don't have needs and that we don'tneed to take care of ourselves.
So how can we?
make that happen?
(41:14):
What do we need?
What do we want to have happen?
And how can we make it happen?
Yeah, I love that.
Even if it's not quantifiable, becauseI think as a mom, a lot of it's not
quantifiable or, you're not gettingthe good jobs all, throughout the
day when you're doing those things.
So to give them to yourself too, to belike, okay, like I'm doing something
and to really, it sounds like tome, it's just a mindset shift away.
(41:37):
But it does take something.
Cause like you said,like, Oh, I'd call my mom.
Like, okay, well, mymom doesn't live here.
I have no family here.
So I'm like, okay.
It's, it takes effort to get to thatplace where, how could I make this happen?
So I like the idea of notputting any limits on it.
Like, you might not even knowhow you could hire a babysitter.
But just having that, just getting my mindworking in that direction, I could see how
(42:00):
if an opportunity came along, I wouldn'tdismiss it as quickly as I might have if
I didn't have, if I hadn't have done that,if I hadn't done that exercise for myself.
Yeah, and doing that too will makeyou aware of things that you just
aren't seeing right now, right?
Like, then you'll say like, oh, well, Ihave this neighbor and she's 14 years old.
(42:20):
She could probably watch my kids, right?
And you're like, I don't, whydidn't I ever notice that before?
Think about that.
And it's just, now we've just givenour self the gift of just allowing
ourselves to be aware and to alsothink that there will be a solution.
If we Think that there's not asolution that thought is going to
create limitations for us, thatthere will not be a solution.
(42:41):
So when you say it's just amind shift away, well, again,
that sounds maybe small.
It's.
The thing that changes everything inour life because what we think will
happen, our mind goes to work to make ita reality because it wants to be right.
We want to be right.
And so whether we think we can,or we think we can not, we're
(43:02):
going to prove ourselves right.
That is the work.
That is the actual work is the workon how am I thinking about this.
And we got to be willing to do it, right?
And it's all us.
It's all on us, right?
We're the only ones that canhold the space to really do it.
Help ourselves.
We have to be our own rescuers.
(43:24):
And I think that like, isn't it timethat we stand up and allow ourselves to
do that, to be the rescuer and to, weplay every role we're such amazing, like
we are super women, every one of us issuper women in whole space for all of the
things that we do, like we definitely.
are the ones who can help ourselves tohave everything that we want to hold.
(43:51):
And that it's okay to getsupport along the way.
Like even if you're, like we cando it all, but it doesn't mean we
have to do it all by ourselves.
Like for me getting those mindshifts in place and it takes support.
It takes having friends.
It takes having a coach to reallyhelp me hone in on those things
and bring them to the forefront.
(44:11):
Otherwise they just stay buried in my.
Subconscious and I, I keepstaying on the hamster wheel.
Yep.
All of us do.
All right.
So thank you so muchfor sharing those tips.
They're amazing.
I think they're going to be reallyvaluable for our listeners and we
have something coming up really soonthat might be of benefit to, might
be of interest to our listeners.
(44:32):
So can you tell us about theMomentum Summit that we're both a
part of, but that you're puttingon for moms and working moms.
Yes, I'm super excited for this summit.
It's going to be here in Salt LakeCity where you can attend live.
You also can attend virtually.
So I love that this is an open optionfor everyone to be able to come into.
(44:54):
And again, just like we're talkingabout, like the requirements associated
with being a mom are overwhelming.
And once we feel like we're, Getting tothat point of being able to take care
of our kids, our home, our work, right?
Our spouse, volunteering in the community,holding space for all of those things.
We oftentimes don't leave thattime for ourselves, right?
(45:17):
And even though we're doing so much, 99.
9 percent of us feel like we'refailing or falling short in some way.
So the Momentum Summit, our theme isRising Beyond Limits and in this one
day, it's really a call to all workingmoms and moms everywhere who are ready
to experience motherhood in a whole newway and that want to be happy despite
(45:42):
all of the challenges that we're facing.
And want to have more clarity justlike we've talked about today about
generating balance and being present foryour personal goals and in your life.
And we're going to do some workshopstyle, like exercises, give you all of
the tools to actually do this, right?
Which I am really excited aboutbecause we do a lot of learning.
(46:05):
But sometimes we don't give ourselvestime to actually do the application, to
actually dive in and see what does thislook like for me and to get that clarity.
So, taking yourself out of yourregular scheduled programmed life and
allowing yourself to say yes for your,to yourself for a day, to come and
(46:26):
be here with us and get this and havethat opportunity to network and just.
feel seen and heard in the things thatyou're going through in the things
that you want to do, I hope is goingto be a really great experience.
So it's next Friday, March 22nd.
And I hope that again, whether youare a virtual, somebody who needs
(46:49):
to attend virtually, or you're herein Salt Lake or can get yourself to
Salt Lake I hope that you'll takethe opportunity to come and join us.
Yes, me too.
I love workshops.
I love, like, thank you.
Thank you for creating thatspace because it's true.
It's so easy to hear and learn,but it's in the workshopping of it.
It's in the writing it down and havingthe space and time to think about
(47:11):
it and somebody, supporting me inthat, giving me that space and time.
And I know for me, it's often easier,which sounds crazy, to get a whole day.
Then to think about like maybe a wholeweekend retreat or even just like an hour.
Sometimes it's, I think I've learnedto carve out those things and
prioritize those things for myself,but I love just the whole day.
(47:32):
Like I want to do this and.
And if I have any, like, womenlistening who are really familiar
with the skills that we teach,and how do I make this happen?
Like, I'd love to chat, so we can, ifyou're like, oh, like, I just can't
make it work, or my husband saysno, or whatever, like, let's talk.
Cause I think there's creative ways thatwe can really make things happen for
(47:57):
ourselves that we haven't thought of.
Kind of like Tina was saying before.
Yeah, definitely give yourself that optionof how can I make this possible for me?
Right.
And yeah, like Brenda said, likethe flexibility that's built
into this is exactly for that,because we all have different
needs and are at different spaces.
And hopefully this will allow you toanswer that question in a positive way
(48:20):
to be able to find your way to get inthe room, whether that's Live with us,
whether it's getting the recordingsand watching this virtually and just
having that support to create this foryourself, because hopefully, even as
you felt through this whole discussiontoday, once we are able to have clarity.
And we find the ways for, to be able totell ourselves, yes, we find the ways to
(48:43):
recognize the things that we're doing.
It feels so much easier, right?
Allow that burden of feelingoverwhelmed or that this needs to be
hard or that, balance has to be hard.
Allow that to go away and find theways to make it fun and feel free
and feel like it's in harmony, right?
To hit that sweet spot for yourself.
I love that.
(49:04):
I love it.
It's like really openingup a different way.
When we can do that's what it does for me.
When I can have that time and spaceand I can get clear on something,
even if I'm resistant, it's like,it just opens up the possibility.
And I, like it may, it makes itpossible for the changes to occur when
they come along or when I'm ready.
Yeah, definitely.
And if you're like me and like anxiousabout social situations or stepping
(49:28):
away from your programming to like, belike, can I, how am I going to hold this
and stuff like, I just always remindmyself of like those times that I go to
a party and feel a little uncomfortableor maybe feel like, I don't know if I
want to make it and then I go anyway.
And I have such a great time, right?
I have such a great experience.
I come away with so many things.
(49:48):
So, allow yourself, right?
It just is like, Mel Robbins saysthat five seconds of courage.
It's like, let's just do this forourselves and see what's possible.
Right.
And again, everything isall just a great experiment.
And but yeah this live eventwas specifically put in place
because I know and understandthe value of us stepping away.
(50:10):
And just taking that time to get thework done that we need to, right?
We just need to really get the work done.
And once it's done, we can step back in.
And instead of this taking this whole nextyear to feel like you get up to a place of
balance, what if this is for you, right?
To have in a day and 24 hours, right?
That you have that.
(50:31):
That blueprint for yourself tobe able to follow and everything
since March feels so much betterin your year instead of waiting for
another year for that to change.
Yeah, like this is your burst.
This is your opportunity to havethat burst of clarity that is going
to lighten up the rest of the year.
Yeah, good.
(50:51):
So come and join us.
We would love to have you.
I'm presenting and I'mgoing to be on a panel.
So just once again, it'sthe Momentum Summit.
It's on March 22nd.
9 4 is one option if you'reattending live, and then there's
some other options available as well.
We'll put the link to registerin the show notes, and look
(51:13):
forward to seeing you there.
I think it's gonna be just a greatexperience for all of us, and I love
what you brought up too about like,if you're feeling shy about it.
I've gone to things like that too,where I didn't know a single soul and
it felt really overwhelming at first.
And yeah, by the end of theday, it didn't even matter.
Cause I was getting so much out of thisthing that I had done and prioritize it.
(51:33):
It didn't matter if I didn't know anybody.
And the next time I'm like, okay,maybe I can find somebody to go with.
Like, that would be fun too.
Just.
Yeah, you walk away withnew friends for sure.
And Brenda will give yourlisteners, too a 10 discount.
So if you, when you check out the linkthat Brenda will post for you just put
in the code MOMENTUM10 and that willgive you 10 off, whether you choose
(51:56):
to attend virtually or in person.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
All right, Tina.
Really quick.
I have like two unrelatedquestions for you.
Are you from Canada?
No.
Where are you from?
Funny enough, like, so Iactually grew up in Midwest Ohio.
And I don't know where some of that,that Canadian accent comes from.
(52:17):
Cause I definitely know it's there.
I had a roommate incollege from Minnesota.
So maybe it picked up a little bit thereor maybe it just is the Ohioan in me.
But yeah, there's definitelysome A in there, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the about it's that'swhen I hear it and I'm like,
wait, I didn't know that's cool.
You're from Ohio.
Originally.
(52:38):
That's cool One final question if youwere a Spice Girl Which one would you be?
Oh my gosh.
Well, embarrassingly enough,I don't even know that I could
tell you which one's which.
I love music.
(53:02):
I am the worst person as faras like, which band was that?
What was the name of that song?
How did that go?
So But yeah, I I secretly have thisdesire to be in a hip hop class.
So at some point in my life, nomatter how old I am, I'm going
to allow myself to do that.
So, yeah, it's just, I am thewhitest dancer that you probably
(53:24):
will ever see, but I just love I lovefeeling in tune with music, right?
So awesome.
I love that.
Well, thank you for expressing that here.
I think our desires are so powerfuland I'm just really excited to see how
that's going to come about for you.
Very good.
I can't wait too.
Thanks, Brenda.
Yeah.
Thank you, Tina.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
I'm Brenda Kudelfer, yourhost and relationship coach.
And today I have a veryspecial guest with me.
Who I'm so excited for us to talk to.
I have Tina Salzberg with me and sheworks with successful working moms to help
them cultivate the work life, like thetrue work life balance in their lives.
(00:32):
And Tina is the creator of the come aliveidentity formula and founder of momentum.
And that's mom all in caps.
And it's a group coaching practicethat supports working moms and helps
them create their ideal lifestylewhere they can achieve success in
their personal goals without feelinglike they're failing as a wife and
mom, which I think is so valuable.
(00:53):
So thanks, Tina.
Is there anything that I missedthat you want to add to that?
Yeah, no.
Thank you for having me on here.
I'm super excited and hope to add.
Just some new awareness andlevels of depth to finding
this thing called balance.
That's definitely not anything new thatwe've been searching for, but hopefully we
can look at it some different ways today.
(01:15):
I love that.
Awesome.
Well, this is a relationship podcast,so we're just going to like throw Tina
right in the middle of This idea ofhow can we navigate balancing our own
personal fulfillment with relationshipsand family responsibilities that we have?
(01:36):
Yeah.
Good.
I'll just jump in.
How do you help?
How do you help your clients?
I guess is what I should say.
Yeah, definitely.
And really, This is my own story.
So that's really why I'm so passionateabout it is because this was me.
This is something that I haveto continue to fight for.
We all have to fight for what thatmeans to have balance and to find
(02:00):
beyond success fulfillment, right?
That harmony, that blend between.
Balancing the things that are importantto us, whether that be work or other
interests or hobbies or goals andtaking care of our family and our
relationship with our spouse andsignificant others and those things
that are most important to us.
So really coming from that storyworking myself as a corporate mom
(02:23):
for 13 years and really feeling like.
The only option that I hadwas to either leave work or to
feel like I was always failing.
My family became something that as a lifecoach has really become a mission for
me to help women in particular, becausewe are so hard on ourselves about that.
(02:45):
To really understand, we getthe opportunity to have both.
And that wasn't really something that evercame into my mind was how can I have both?
It was really just felt like when you'reat work, it needs to be all about work.
And I was distracted by what it meant.
I wasn't giving my family.
And when I was at home, it justseemed that those work boundaries
(03:05):
would just bleed into that home time.
I would be on my laptop or answeringanother email or distracted on my phone
and just always felt like I was fallingreally flat as a mom and being present.
And in particular, I had when my sonwas three, this one incident where he
was trying to show me a toy that he had.
(03:26):
And, of course I was saying, huh.
Okay.
I see.
And that I was on my laptopand I was typing away.
And all of a sudden thislittle hand came up.
And closed the lid to my laptopand he said, Here, mommy here.
And of course you could imagine theheartbreak of just hearing those
words and in him, that tangibleevidence that he saw that I wasn't
(03:49):
being present in that moment with him.
And it was definitely one ofthose moments where you're like,
okay, I got to change some thingsto make sure that this happens.
So that's why I think, balance isso important for us, but I also
think it's important that we.
Really make sure we understandwhat that is and personalize that
(04:11):
specifically, what that is for us.
To be able to to own that authentically.
Because what balance looks likefor me is very different than
what it will look like for you.
And also at different seasons in our life.
Right?
It can change.
As a mom of babies and toddlers, whatI had to give to my family and the
(04:32):
ways that they needed me to show upfor them are very different than now
where most of my kids are almost orentering or have been teenagers and,
Entering into adulthood now and whatthat looks like and what that dynamic is.
So, rather than, I just rememberfeeling so disheartened in that, and
(04:52):
it was hard and always very heavy, Ihope that whatever, what we discussed
today can really help you to make thisfeel light and doable and enjoyable,
and you feel more peace and morepresence and more capable to, Just
cultivate that in your life becausethat's where we really find joy.
(05:14):
That's where all of these things thatwe work so hard for really start to,
to matter and come together for us.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Just that idea of.
Like the piece that can, that is availablethere that can't, you can have, but it is
a matter of really like asking yourself,like, what does this look like to me?
(05:36):
And what I love that you brought that up,that it looks different for everybody.
And I know for me, like one thingthat I do with my clients is we
talk a lot about like, how are youfeeling and what do you really want?
What is, what is the ultimate goal here?
What is the vision?
That you're trying to create in your home.
How do you want to feel?
So if you want to feel peaceful, thenlike, let's work on, the actions or
(05:58):
the yeah, just getting to that placethat, that, that vision that we would
need to create the feeling of peace.
Yeah, I love that, right?
Because it means let's slowdown just a minute, right?
To start to actually ask ourselves theright questions to really understand
what it is we want in the first place.
So, with that, I really broughtthree points today, Brenda, to help
(06:20):
you and to help everyone listeningto really start to understand.
Okay, so I know I want this.
I want to feel balanced.
And I want to have fulfillment.
I want to have the things I want,but I also want to make sure that I'm
maintaining and having space for goodfamily relationships and to be present.
So I'd love to dive into thosethree points and really give us some
(06:43):
tangible things we can start doing.
Yeah, let's do it.
I'm excited.
All right.
Awesome.
So my first point, right, again, helpingyou find fulfillment and balance within
these roles as a working mom is to firstunderstand why aren't we there now?
Right?
So just like you were saying,Brenda, I think this goes so well.
It's like, what are we're, we get reallybusy focusing on Everything we need
(07:07):
to do and then just doing the thingsor, when we want to feel differently,
it's like, okay, what else can I do?
Or maybe I just need to domore is typically the answer
that's first on our plate.
And when we can start askingourselves better questions, that
right there is going to bring awhole lot of peace and alignment
because we're going to have clarity.
(07:27):
So clarity is that first key for that.
So instead of focusing on the doing aquestion that I really get my clients to
focus in on is who do I need to become?
Who do I need to be to havethis life that I want to create?
And so instead of trying to, like,get out of feeling overwhelmed or
(07:49):
feeling too much stress, just like yousaid, it's that first question, like,
how do I want this to feel instead?
Right?
And when I feel that way in my life,What actually could change and how
would that look different for me?
And who do I need to now be, nowthat I know those things, who do I
(08:09):
need to be to start creating that?
And when we start to do that forourselves we're now looking at Instead
of just trying to get away from that,we're standing tall in our identity.
We're identifying the things thatmatter to us, and we can start actually
coming up with a lot of solutions.
I don't know about you, but when Ilook at my outside circumstances, a
(08:32):
lot of times I just feel stuck to say.
I'm just going to have to wait this out.
Right.
Or maybe after a certain amount oftime, it'll just get easier or better.
And I would always find myselfwaiting for something else to change.
And eventually I really realized I'mlike, I'm going to miss a lot of life.
(08:52):
If I just keep waiting for it to go past.
Right.
If I just keep waiting for some magicmoment to make everything better,
because We're always going to be busy.
We're always going to havea lot on our plate, right?
And honestly, don't we want it that way?
Don't we want to have areally full and amazing life?
We just don't want to have the emotionsthat we're creating along with that.
(09:16):
And the reason that we're there is becauseeverything that comes in front of us.
becomes important instead of usallowing us to really understand,
like, what do I want to be important?
So we have to take somepersonal ownership.
That's hard sometimes, right?
Because it's easy for otherthings to be the problem.
But when we do stand tall,In who we need to be.
(09:39):
And then we start working to becomethat person, not all at one time, but
taking the steps, it's going to feelso much better, especially when we
focus on how we want that to feel allalong the way for us to get there.
Yeah.
I love that you brought up.
Waiting for the thing to happen.
Like for me, it was like, K when all mykids are out of diapers or when all my
(09:59):
kids are in school and like, it just,that would just go on and on, like
there, there was, there's never reallyan end to that, if that is my focus,
like, Oh, I can do this, or I can havethis when this other thing happens.
And it's really like the opposite,I think is what you're saying.
Yeah.
And definitely a a biglimitation that I see.
(10:20):
Us moms falsely tell ourselves is thatWhat if i'm going to give something
to myself that I need So that i'mtaking better care of myself or I
get the time and replenishment thatI need That it means i'm taking this
time away from someone else, right?
Like so if I go downstairs tomy gym to do a workout Well, I'm
(10:40):
stealing that time away from mykids who might also need something.
And that brings, what,a lot of guilt, right?
We, we have a lot of guilt around that.
And it's false guilt, right?
It's self induced guilt becausewe're, it's how we're thinking
about that's causing that.
So instead of me feeling like this istaking away time for, from my kids.
(11:01):
What if instead we thought abouthow we felt when we exercised
or after we exercised, right?
I don't know about you,but I feel energetic.
I feel proud.
I feel confident after I work out.
And I would much rather momfrom that type of perspective
that I'm a confident, energetic.
(11:22):
self fulfilled mom, rather than feellike a depleted guilty mom, right?
Like what type of energy do you wantto, do you really want to parent from?
That in itself can help us to startto stand tall in taking care of
our own needs when we know We'regoing to show up as a better mom.
And when we do, that's actually goingto give so much more to our kids.
(11:46):
So remind yourself ofthat for your own needs.
It's like, what, how am I going tofeel after I do this thing for myself?
Or when I accomplished thisthing for myself, right.
Or along the way, as I'm doing thisfor myself and how is that going
to translate to what I give to myspouse, to my kids, to the other
people that are important in my life.
(12:07):
And if it's an improvement, we owe it toourselves and to them to do those things.
Yeah.
And nobody else can do it for you.
Like you have to do that thing.
You have to make that the priority,but I like there is that space
where there's some guilt there.
Like, and I know for me, it'sthe same when I self care
(12:29):
is a huge thing for me now.
And I had to fight the guilt toget through it, to get to the
shopping trip or the walk outside.
And, during though, I'm feeling good.
It's like it fades into the backgroundjust as I go through the motions.
And then I come home or I come backand, oh my gosh, yes, I'm the mom.
(12:49):
I'm like, yes, let's play a game.
Let's, what do you need?
I'm just there and I'm enjoying it.
It's not like this drag that like,oh, they need something again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And times to get to that place.
Yeah.
To push aside the self inducedguilt that you were talking about.
Yeah.
So number one, no, likethat's normal, right?
(13:11):
That is normal.
That is the normal responsefor all of us to feel that.
And then it's also really goodto find those times where we
have done that for ourselves.
So that when that, those opportunitiesfor guilt come back up, because
they will come back up, right?
We can remind ourselves, Oh, actually itwasn't a selfish thing for me to do this.
(13:33):
I have tons of evidence that thisis something that really benefits my
family and gives us back time, right?
So I've really found gettingcoached in those times, right?
Cause there will be timesthat those come back.
So allowing myself.
One, to just, again, ask betterquestions of myself to get more
clarity about what matters.
And then two, just have somebody helpme with some really great questions
(13:58):
that's outside of my mind that canreally help me to see it in a better
way, is very helpful with that.
So, huge, really important.
Love that, ask better questions.
Definitely.
Ask better questions.
If nothing else, right?
Just know, like, I'm going to ask myselfsome better questions about how this
could be for me, how it could be for myfamily, how this could be for my kids.
(14:20):
And, again, if it's going to bean improvement for how you show up
for everyone else, You owe it toyourself and them to go and make
sure that you take care of yourself.
All right.
So as we move on to point numbertwo, so number two to really, again,
help us with this fulfillment andfinding more balance is to get
your yes through more specificity.
(14:42):
All right.
So here's what I mean byget to Your yes, right?
So once we understand and we have moreclarity about what we should do we feel
again, like if I want to have a goal as amom, so for example, if I want to work on
weight loss or, I want to run a race orI just want to have a few moments of time
(15:02):
where I can step away every day to takecare of myself in some way oftentimes.
The misconception or how we chooseto do that is to try to work
that goal around everything andeveryone else in our lives, right?
So it's like, okay, today I'mgoing to exercise, but we don't
usually plan a very specific time.
(15:24):
We just say today I'mgoing to exercise, right?
Or today I'm going to go for the walk.
And.
We try to incorporate that intojust happening for us, right?
Where everything witheveryone else, right?
My kids need to be at schoolat this specific time.
I need to be at workat this specific time.
I've got this appointment.
(15:45):
So I go at this specific time.
Do you see like a disconnect in waysthat we typically handle our goals
versus how we handle everyone else'sagendas and needs and things like that?
Like it's in the phone, right?
It's in my calendar.
I've got those times.
Yeah, so I'll teach you my favoriteword, and that's specificity.
(16:08):
Specificity.
We have to give ourselves the sameamount of specificity, the same
amount of time in our calendars.
The same way that we give otherpeople time in our calendars, we
need to do that for ourselves, right?
Because the bottom line is, very rarelyare we going to just happen to fit it in.
(16:29):
Because no matter, how much wewant to have that, we're going to
just handle what's in front of us.
Right.
And I heard this said very well onetime that really resonated with me and
she was teaching about time management.
I can't remember who it was to givecredit to it, but I remember that she
had said if you have a lot of things thatare urgent in your life all of the time.
(16:54):
then you're not planning very well, right?
So, and I thought, ooh, do Ifeel like things are urgent?
In front of me and things I haveto get to right away, right?
Is my to do list really long?
Do I never seem to get to the end of that?
Am I making everything urgent in my life?
And a lot of times we do.
And again it's because if somethingcomes in front of us, again,
(17:17):
especially as women, like we're goingto take it on, we can take it on.
Like we are just good at that.
We're good at doing all of the things andtaking care of multiple things at a time.
And it's all very great, forus to recognize that those are
good things about ourselves.
But again, if we are not specificallyplanning that time for ourselves,
(17:37):
we're going to get to the end of theday and feel very unfulfilled, right?
I have had so many days where Iwould go to bed and I would be like,
I didn't get anything done today.
And, if I would stop and askmyself, wait, Tina, is that true?
Is that really true?
I'd probably come up with a listof 30 to 40 things that I was
(17:59):
able to get accomplished that day.
But because I never actually stoppedto recognize that one, I just
felt like a failure a lot of days.
And then two, if I would have stoppedto do that and I would have said, wait,
so now if I'm recognizing I did like30 or 40 things today, I'm going to Why
am I going to bed feeling like this?
(18:19):
Why do I feel this way?
It's a really good litmus testfor us to start saying, right,
what's not getting accomplished.
That's leaving me feeling emptyinstead of full at the end of the day.
Right.
Like think of the differencebetween the days you go to bed.
Like, you're just like, thiswas such an amazing day.
Right.
Maybe you were really productiveand you had that quality family
(18:41):
time, like every bucket got filled.
And then some days where you feellike totally, you didn't get to it.
Right?
What if we stop and start questioninglike, why is that happening for us?
Why do we feel that way?
So that we can then have the awarenessto start putting in the things
that we need to start putting in.
Yeah.
I started doing that in like, causeI would get through the morning and I
(19:03):
would just feel like I was exhaustedby like nine or 10 and I'm like, what?
Like I don't even know what I did.
I didn't do anything.
And then I started sitting downand just writing everything down.
I went through literally everything like.
Oh, I saw the dog's waterneeded to be filled.
I filled up the dog's water.
I switched the laundry.
I went to the bathroom even,just like every little thing.
I got a snack.
(19:24):
I took my kids to school.
It added up pretty quick.
And then it also gave me confidenceto be like, Oh my gosh, I do so much.
And like, yeah, not only, I don't haveto frame it as an, I deserve a break, but
it's like, well, of course I'm exhaustedand I want to give this to myself.
Yeah.
And I also see that.
Fill me back up.
(19:44):
And it gave me confidence to be like, ifsomething wasn't done, it was like, well,
I did a lot already, and that can wait.
And it wasn't like, I didn't haveall this turmoil about those things
that, that weren't getting done.
Also.
Yes, definitely.
So a couple of like, okay,how do you apply this?
(20:04):
Right.
Getting to our yesthrough more specificity.
So again, number one, we just needto know what's important to us.
Right.
What, how do we want togive back to ourselves?
I call these like energy givers.
There's certain thingsthat I do in my day.
That are just for me, but they give meenergy so that I can then, again, go out
into the world and be the best coach,be the best mom, be the best wife.
(20:28):
And when I know what those thingsare, instead of just hoping that they
come or maybe even planning for themlast, I teach my clients, like we're
going to put the good stuff in first.
We call it the good stuff.
Right?
This is the good stuff, the things thatwe want to get to the time for ourselves,
the self care, the socializing andgetting out with other people, the family
(20:50):
time, where we want to be unpluggedand just totally present in our life.
Like that is the good stuff.
And if we plan for that first, right,We're going to get those things.
It's like, that analogy whereyou have like rocks, boulders,
pebbles, sand, and you're tryingto fit it all into the jar, right?
(21:11):
And they show this that, we justput the sand in first and then we,
try to put in the bigger things.
And like by the end, it'slike none, it doesn't all fit.
But when we start with, putting in thebiggest folders and then we put in the
next size rock and then the next smallestrock and then the next smallest rock and
then at the very end we start fillingit in with all of the sand, right?
(21:34):
What happens?
All of the sudden we can have, wehave so much more capacity to hold.
All of it.
And that's important to rememberbecause what you need to, again,
show up as your very best self, likethe things that you need to give you
energy back, those are the boulders.
And if you don't fit them in first,they're not going to fit into your life.
(21:56):
Right?
So for every yes, we mighthave to say a thousand no's.
Right?
For every yes that really doesmatter, it does require us to also
say no to the things that we have.
But, again, if we align it correctly,I'm, I guarantee you'll start to
be able to fit in more in yourlife than you think you can hold.
(22:19):
But you'll also be fulfilled becausethere won't be a bucket, in particular
you, that's left off the table.
Oh, I love that so much, Tina.
It's so fun to hear it in a different,in like different wording because
say it's like really similar whatI help my clients do as well.
We just call it a few different things.
Like, like what makesyou ridiculously happy?
(22:41):
We're going to, the same thing,like we're going to schedule in
those three things a day first.
And yeah, like it's weirdhow it happens, right.
That your time and your space expandswhen you're filling that bucket.
With those like boulders, whichsounds heavy, but it's like,
no, it's they're that important.
They wait, like it's a weight measure.
(23:02):
Yeah.
I love that.
I think I'm going to create thatevery day for myself, Brenda, with
ways to be ridiculously happy.
I love that.
And something to like helpourselves at the end of the day.
Right.
So we do.
Don't walk into bed feelingunfulfilled is a practice of just
telling yourself three things you'regrateful for that day, or three
(23:23):
things that you're proud of that day.
Right.
So those days when you're less like,Nope, I'm not proud of anything.
There wasn't anything.
And you're like, it's not true.
Like, what did you do todaythat you could be proud of?
And give yourself permissionto find the little things.
Because your mind's going to say therewas nothing major or huge in this day.
And guess what?
(23:44):
In most of our ordinary lives, there'snot something huge, momentous, every
single day that we accomplish, butthose consistent acts of taking care of
ourselves, of showing up for the work thatwe are here to do, those things matter.
And when we start to just recognizethose for ourselves, hold gratitude
(24:05):
for those, be proud of ourselvesthat we've accomplished it.
Like that whole transition of fillingmore joy, feeling more peace in your life.
We'll be there.
We'll be there when wedo that for ourselves.
Definitely.
I couldn't agree more.
Good.
Okay.
The last one to talk aboutis really just using a better
(24:26):
definition of balance, right?
So if you think about like balance or worklife balance, like how do you define that?
Most, most commonly we're defining it asbeing able to Do all of the things that
we want for equal amounts of time, right?
And that we're able tolike carry everything.
(24:47):
And I would challenge you to thinkabout that because I know when I
felt that, balance was going tomean I was going to be able to hold
everything and do everything, and itwas going to feel easy to do that.
It never happened.
I just, Continued to wait.
So I've since developed a really a muchbetter and fluid definition of what
balance is, and that is that balance isdoing the right things at the right times.
(25:12):
Balance is doing the rightthings at the right times.
So, it really requires us todo a couple of things, right?
So, first of all, like, I have todecide what are the right things, right?
What are the things thatactually do matter in my life?
And some of those things might be, comevery easily for you to identify, but
(25:32):
I also want you to think beyond, like,the roles that you play to actually,
like, what makes you feel What makesyou like a good question to ask yourself
is what do I want to be known for?
So if thing, if yourlife had passed, right?
Like when you're looking at legacyand things that you want to leave,
like what do you want to be known for?
(25:54):
It's a really great questionbecause it really helps us to know
what things are important for us.
And you might answerthat 10 different ways.
Which is awesome, right?
And you can find those 10 thingsthat are most important for you.
So first we have to know likewhat the right things are.
And second, we have to reallylook at the season that we're in.
(26:15):
And when we look at those thingsthat are important, say what
needs to be important right now.
So when in, in my life right now,like this is a season of work.
This is a season of growingthis coaching practice.
This is a season of giving anddeveloping my programs and my
offerings to be better for my clients.
(26:36):
But once I have gone through thisseason and I have these things in
place and they're more automatizedand they're systematized my
season will change to where workdoesn't have to take as much time.
But right now, while it's taking moretime, I have to think if I'm going to give
more time to this particular priority,what do I not have as much time for?
(27:00):
So a past season, a couple ofyears ago, I was in the season
of training for an Ironman.
So in that season of trainingfor an Ironman, I also had to
decide like what to adjust, right?
Because training for an Ironman.
Really takes anywhere from15 to 20 hours a week.
It's a part time job in itself tomake this goal an accomplishment.
(27:21):
So, I knew when I did that,that I was going to have to
put a higher priority there.
I really had to do some checksand balances with my family.
Cause they were goingto have to support me.
Was I going to be able to hold all ofthe things that I wanted to at work?
I had to make some decisions about that.
So now in this season of taking on morework it's My athletic schedule looks
(27:43):
like one bike ride a week and a fewdays of training for strength training.
And getting on a walk insteadof maybe 40 minutes a day,
like 10 minutes a day, right?
Go out, get some sunshine,still enjoy that.
But I've had to adjust those things.
It doesn't mean they're not important.
(28:03):
It just means right now there's somethingthat needs more time in my life.
And I love this concept.
And I hope that as you're hearingthis, like it gives you just a sense
of relief to ask yourself, like, whatam I, what is, what am I requiring to
take more time or feeling like needs tohave more time in my life that really
(28:26):
doesn't need more time right now.
And in fact, it's actuallyhonoring that thing to let it go.
And give me more time for the rightthings in this right season, right?
Because time, right, we all want moretime, but we don't need more time.
We actually just need to manageourselves better in our time.
(28:47):
And when we can really do this throughbalance and really understanding,
again, this more correct definitionthat we don't have to do everything.
That we can still have things thatare important to us and are the
right things, but maybe get less timeright now and just focus really on
giving ourselves permission to do theright things and let everything else
(29:12):
be for a different season, right?
Let that be something exciting for us tolook forward to instead of something that
we're feeling not enough in right now.
Oh, I like that switch.
Like, if it's causing me to feel likeI'm not enough by not doing that thing
right now, maybe it does need to justgo somewhere else for a little while.
(29:35):
Yeah, definitely.
So, practice those three things.
I think if we're practicing those threethings, right, getting more clear,
Asking ourselves better questions,focusing on who we need to be more
often than what we need to start doingand what we need to do more, getting
more specific with our yes, right?
How do we get there?
(29:56):
Making sure that we're using ourcalendar and scheduling our needs the
same that we do everyone else's needs.
And then three, starting to adoptthis better definition of balance.
I know that as we do those threethings, like you will move from feeling
chaotic to more peace and alignment.
You will feel it, you will leave feelinglike instead of maybe succeeding in one
(30:19):
area of your life, that, you There'sthe possibility or that you can start
to see these glimmers of hope that youare rocking it in so many different
ways in so many areas of your life.
And that's what's important, right?
Is that feeling that we get becauseall of the goals, all of the
successes, all of the things thatwe're really striving for are really
to help us to feel a certain way.
(30:41):
So just as you started,Brenda, which was so great.
It's like.
How do we want to feel in our life, right?
What's the feeling that we're after?
Because all of the goals thatyou have are because it's trying
to get you to move towards thatfeeling because that feeling is you.
That feeling is who you are.
(31:01):
It really is your truth.
To own and honor that.
That's why we set goals to go afterthose certain feelings in our life.
So beautiful.
Thank you.
I love it all.
It's so great.
I love the idea of, I really love the ideaof changing the definition of balance.
Like I was sitting here thinkinglike, is there another word we
could use instead of balance?
(31:22):
But i'm like, I don'tknow if there's enough.
I don't know.
Yeah But i'll tell you like theword that I love to use is harmony.
Harmony Right?
And I use a, I talk aboutbalance a lot just because That's
what people are familiar with.
That's what they want to,they want it to be about.
But I really love the, I love the ideaof harmony because harmony kind of takes
(31:44):
away like that picture of the scalesand everything having to be equal and
gives me like this blend, harmony isjust this, like, think of a choir,
like the perfect music group, right?
And when they have, when they're inharmony, it's just like this amazing
opening, light filled, joy filled.
feeling that we get.
(32:04):
So I really love, I guess you can adoptany word that you want, but I love to
think about harmony because not onlyof the picture, like it's a much better
picture for me, but also that feeling Ican put myself right in there and know
like when you've hit that sweet spot.
Right.
Yeah.
I can visualize that.
Like I'm seeing the three notes andjust, just the right spot, three
(32:27):
different things coming togetherto make that beautiful melody.
And it's so like soothing to be in thatplace of harmony versus something like
dissonance where it's like, like, I'vegot all these things going on that I
want to do or that are in my life andlike, the feeling inside is dissonance,
like where I feel disconnected from.
(32:48):
Maybe either thing that I'm tryingto do, or that maybe there's this,
like, there's a desire in there that'shidden that I can't even get to.
Cause I'm so consumed by all the othernotes that I'm hearing in my mind.
Yeah.
Right.
And that makes a good case, right.
To eliminate all of that.
Or put it to the side so that youcan just focus on exactly what
(33:10):
matters, which was those three notes.
Yeah, I love that.
I do have one question for you becauseI'm in a, the phase of life that I'm in
now is like my kids are all in school.
This was like a thing that Ihad in my head for the longest
time, when my kids are in school.
And So I'm just wondering, like, whatadvice do you have for moms of little
(33:30):
kids who have little kids at home and,or either they're stay at home moms
and they're like, this is all I cando right now, or, like, maybe there's
like a mix going on or just, like, doyou have any advice for those moms?
Cause I know that's when I struggledprobably the most was when it felt
like that consumed all my time andthere wasn't a way to get away.
(33:52):
I didn't have any concept of.
This is bad guilt.
It felt like good guilt, like I wouldtry to do something for myself, and
I'd be like, okay, my baby's onlygoing to be a baby for a limited time.
Like, why am I doing, why am I justsitting here at this thing that I'm
doing and not at home with that baby?
(34:14):
Yeah, definitely.
Thanks for asking this because Ithink it's such an important question
and, again for stay at home moms,for working moms again, that stage
of life when our kids are small isa whole different life, isn't it?
Right?
It just really is a different life andI remember being in the thick of it
that I just didn't know if I was goingto like, It just was overwhelming,
(34:37):
like in every sense of the word.
There was so much to do.
There was so many needs to have.
So again, first I would justrecognize like, this is the way
it's supposed to feel, right?
When we have young kids, they are young,like they don't have much independence.
They do rely on us for a lot of things.
So, understanding, and Ithink, I have five kids.
(34:57):
So, the first few were justtotally like, Drowning.
It felt just like drowning.
And I remember, as I started toget closer and closer to that
time where I'm like, I'm not gonnahave babies really anymore, right?
Like, this is gonna be, this isthe end or close to the end for us.
Instead of like, Feeling like wakingup to feed the baby and feeling tired
(35:19):
or just focusing on that, right.
I still was tired, but instead of focusingon those, I tried to focus on what I
really wanted to remember and have fromthis moment and those like nighttime
feedings and some of those times that.
Had been so overwhelming, becamelike relished time, right?
The times that I reallyloved with my kids.
(35:40):
And so one, I think just understandinglike this is a season and what do
we want to take from this season?
Right.
Again, using that definition of balanceof, what really needs to matter right now.
I remember, I just felt like.
Hey, I have this new baby, but itdidn't occur to me that I wouldn't
be able to do everything thatI was already doing in my life.
(36:02):
Right.
And it just, it's not possible.
Right.
So I think one, just theawareness of, Oh, there actually
is this tiny human in my life.
And I've actually never been a mom.
I've never experienced any of this.
This is all new and I'm learning allalong the way to recognize like, that's
going to take some time and some effort.
So.
Again, using that new definition ofbalance, hopefully that makes that
(36:26):
really a lot clearer to say, what thingscan I keep on my plate right now and
what might need to wait for a season.
So that, that can be valuable in itself.
And then secondly, I would say, Wedo still need the good stuff, right?
Both for ourselves and for thethings that we're creating, right?
And give yourself permissionto put in the good stuff.
(36:49):
And in working, I'm thinking of one clientin particular, and it was so hard for
her to think about how she could do that.
And I was in the sameposition too, because I felt
I needed to do it all right.
I needed to be there for all ofthe things that the kids needed.
I needed to be the one.
to be there.
It was hard for me to ask for help towatch my kids or things like that, right?
(37:11):
I would feel guilty or feel likeI should be the one, like I get
that that belief that I needto be the one to do everything.
If you want to keep it, we can, butit might not be serving you very well.
So, but the way that I would probablyadvise that you can move through that
(37:32):
is because typically when we think,like, Well, what solutions do I have?
We might think of like one thing.
It's like, if my mom is available,she can watch the baby, but if
she's not available, I can't do allof these things that I want to do.
I can't go for a walk or I can'thave 10 minutes to go take a
shower or I can't step outsideto go see a friend or have lunch.
(37:54):
Right.
So.
Instead of that, I just, I love to welcomepeople to give themselves what I call
a menu of options, a menu of options.
So you might have, when you think abouthow could I make this possible, right?
That's a really important question.
Not can this happen, but howcould I make this happen?
I want you to think about five to 10 waysthat it can be possible for you, right?
(38:18):
So you stepping So you'relike, okay, I want to go for
I want to go for a run, right?
So how could I make that possible?
Number one, I could call my mom and shecould watch my, she could watch the baby.
And now that was the easy one, right?
So it's like, okay, howelse could that happen?
How else could that happen?
And these don't have to be realistic.
(38:39):
Like let yourself be playful andjust think like, wow, if anything
were possible, how could this happen?
Right.
Maybe it would be.
That I could hire a babysitter.
Maybe I would get creative andsay, what other new moms do I know?
And could we swap childcareso that, I have some time off
and she has some time off.
One creative way I found to get thatdone was using the childcare at the gym.
(39:04):
I would take my, I would take my youngkids in and let them play with other
kids and I would go get my swim done.
And have time for that.
Right.
So like, keep asking yourself some ofthe first few are going to probably
be easy solutions because they'rethe ones that you typically think you
need to go to, but ask yourself toget a little bit more creative, right?
(39:25):
Again, don't make them have to beright or things that you have to do.
Just say, how could it be possible?
If I didn't have any restrictions,everything's available to me.
How could it be possible?
And what this is going to do is allow youto start seeing that the things that you
need and want are possible for you, right?
And if you try somethingand it doesn't work, right?
(39:49):
What's really great about having themenu of options is instead of saying,
now I can't have this or do this.
Now you're just going to say,okay, well, what else can I try?
Because I have like sevenother things that I can try.
It didn't the one that I chosedidn't have to be the right one.
Right.
And think how freeing that isnow, instead of being like, I
(40:11):
tried it and it doesn't work.
It never works out for me.
I can't have this to say, Oh,well, that one didn't work.
Well, that was a good experiment.
And now I can say, whatelse will work for me?
Right.
How else could this be possible?
So asking her again, asking ourselvesthose better questions, using a
better definition of balance, andthen three, like, allowing ourselves
(40:33):
to really think about how we canmake the things that we want.
possible in our life.
Outside the box, outside of the rulesthat we've typically given ourselves.
Let's just make it happen.
And that will create, thatcreates so much balance.
And I think moms whodo stay at home, right?
Like, that is work.
That is probably morework than any of us do.
(40:53):
When I quit my corporate job and, camehome to be a stay at home mom, I thought,
Oh my gosh, work is such a break.
Work is such a break.
And so we need to remember that,that being home doesn't mean that we
don't have needs and that we don'tneed to take care of ourselves.
So how can we?
make that happen?
(41:14):
What do we need?
What do we want to have happen?
And how can we make it happen?
Yeah, I love that.
Even if it's not quantifiable, becauseI think as a mom, a lot of it's not
quantifiable or, you're not gettingthe good jobs all, throughout the
day when you're doing those things.
So to give them to yourself too, to belike, okay, like I'm doing something
and to really, it sounds like tome, it's just a mindset shift away.
(41:37):
But it does take something.
Cause like you said,like, Oh, I'd call my mom.
Like, okay, well, mymom doesn't live here.
I have no family here.
So I'm like, okay.
It's, it takes effort to get to thatplace where, how could I make this happen?
So I like the idea of notputting any limits on it.
Like, you might not even knowhow you could hire a babysitter.
But just having that, just getting my mindworking in that direction, I could see how
(42:00):
if an opportunity came along, I wouldn'tdismiss it as quickly as I might have if
I didn't have, if I hadn't have done that,if I hadn't done that exercise for myself.
Yeah, and doing that too will makeyou aware of things that you just
aren't seeing right now, right?
Like, then you'll say like, oh, well, Ihave this neighbor and she's 14 years old.
(42:20):
She could probably watch my kids, right?
And you're like, I don't, whydidn't I ever notice that before?
Think about that.
And it's just, now we've just givenour self the gift of just allowing
ourselves to be aware and to alsothink that there will be a solution.
If we Think that there's not asolution that thought is going to
create limitations for us, thatthere will not be a solution.
(42:41):
So when you say it's just amind shift away, well, again,
that sounds maybe small.
It's.
The thing that changes everything inour life because what we think will
happen, our mind goes to work to make ita reality because it wants to be right.
We want to be right.
And so whether we think we can,or we think we can not, we're
(43:02):
going to prove ourselves right.
That is the work.
That is the actual work is the workon how am I thinking about this.
And we got to be willing to do it, right?
And it's all us.
It's all on us, right?
We're the only ones that canhold the space to really do it.
Help ourselves.
We have to be our own rescuers.
(43:24):
And I think that like, isn't it timethat we stand up and allow ourselves to
do that, to be the rescuer and to, weplay every role we're such amazing, like
we are super women, every one of us issuper women in whole space for all of the
things that we do, like we definitely.
are the ones who can help ourselves tohave everything that we want to hold.
(43:51):
And that it's okay to getsupport along the way.
Like even if you're, like we cando it all, but it doesn't mean we
have to do it all by ourselves.
Like for me getting those mindshifts in place and it takes support.
It takes having friends.
It takes having a coach to reallyhelp me hone in on those things
and bring them to the forefront.
(44:11):
Otherwise they just stay buried in my.
Subconscious and I, I keepstaying on the hamster wheel.
Yep.
All of us do.
All right.
So thank you so muchfor sharing those tips.
They're amazing.
I think they're going to be reallyvaluable for our listeners and we
have something coming up really soonthat might be of benefit to, might
be of interest to our listeners.
(44:32):
So can you tell us about theMomentum Summit that we're both a
part of, but that you're puttingon for moms and working moms.
Yes, I'm super excited for this summit.
It's going to be here in Salt LakeCity where you can attend live.
You also can attend virtually.
So I love that this is an open optionfor everyone to be able to come into.
(44:54):
And again, just like we're talkingabout, like the requirements associated
with being a mom are overwhelming.
And once we feel like we're, Getting tothat point of being able to take care
of our kids, our home, our work, right?
Our spouse, volunteering in the community,holding space for all of those things.
We oftentimes don't leave thattime for ourselves, right?
(45:17):
And even though we're doing so much, 99.
9 percent of us feel like we'refailing or falling short in some way.
So the Momentum Summit, our theme isRising Beyond Limits and in this one
day, it's really a call to all workingmoms and moms everywhere who are ready
to experience motherhood in a whole newway and that want to be happy despite
(45:42):
all of the challenges that we're facing.
And want to have more clarity justlike we've talked about today about
generating balance and being present foryour personal goals and in your life.
And we're going to do some workshopstyle, like exercises, give you all of
the tools to actually do this, right?
Which I am really excited aboutbecause we do a lot of learning.
(46:05):
But sometimes we don't give ourselvestime to actually do the application, to
actually dive in and see what does thislook like for me and to get that clarity.
So, taking yourself out of yourregular scheduled programmed life and
allowing yourself to say yes for your,to yourself for a day, to come and
(46:26):
be here with us and get this and havethat opportunity to network and just.
feel seen and heard in the things thatyou're going through in the things
that you want to do, I hope is goingto be a really great experience.
So it's next Friday, March 22nd.
And I hope that again, whether youare a virtual, somebody who needs
(46:49):
to attend virtually, or you're herein Salt Lake or can get yourself to
Salt Lake I hope that you'll takethe opportunity to come and join us.
Yes, me too.
I love workshops.
I love, like, thank you.
Thank you for creating thatspace because it's true.
It's so easy to hear and learn,but it's in the workshopping of it.
It's in the writing it down and havingthe space and time to think about
(47:11):
it and somebody, supporting me inthat, giving me that space and time.
And I know for me, it's often easier,which sounds crazy, to get a whole day.
Then to think about like maybe a wholeweekend retreat or even just like an hour.
Sometimes it's, I think I've learnedto carve out those things and
prioritize those things for myself,but I love just the whole day.
(47:32):
Like I want to do this and.
And if I have any, like, womenlistening who are really familiar
with the skills that we teach,and how do I make this happen?
Like, I'd love to chat, so we can, ifyou're like, oh, like, I just can't
make it work, or my husband saysno, or whatever, like, let's talk.
Cause I think there's creative ways thatwe can really make things happen for
(47:57):
ourselves that we haven't thought of.
Kind of like Tina was saying before.
Yeah, definitely give yourself that optionof how can I make this possible for me?
Right.
And yeah, like Brenda said, likethe flexibility that's built
into this is exactly for that,because we all have different
needs and are at different spaces.
And hopefully this will allow you toanswer that question in a positive way
(48:20):
to be able to find your way to get inthe room, whether that's Live with us,
whether it's getting the recordingsand watching this virtually and just
having that support to create this foryourself, because hopefully, even as
you felt through this whole discussiontoday, once we are able to have clarity.
And we find the ways for, to be able totell ourselves, yes, we find the ways to
(48:43):
recognize the things that we're doing.
It feels so much easier, right?
Allow that burden of feelingoverwhelmed or that this needs to be
hard or that, balance has to be hard.
Allow that to go away and find theways to make it fun and feel free
and feel like it's in harmony, right?
To hit that sweet spot for yourself.
I love that.
(49:04):
I love it.
It's like really openingup a different way.
When we can do that's what it does for me.
When I can have that time and spaceand I can get clear on something,
even if I'm resistant, it's like,it just opens up the possibility.
And I, like it may, it makes itpossible for the changes to occur when
they come along or when I'm ready.
Yeah, definitely.
And if you're like me and like anxiousabout social situations or stepping
(49:28):
away from your programming to like, belike, can I, how am I going to hold this
and stuff like, I just always remindmyself of like those times that I go to
a party and feel a little uncomfortableor maybe feel like, I don't know if I
want to make it and then I go anyway.
And I have such a great time, right?
I have such a great experience.
I come away with so many things.
(49:48):
So, allow yourself, right?
It just is like, Mel Robbins saysthat five seconds of courage.
It's like, let's just do this forourselves and see what's possible.
Right.
And again, everything isall just a great experiment.
And but yeah this live eventwas specifically put in place
because I know and understandthe value of us stepping away.
(50:10):
And just taking that time to get thework done that we need to, right?
We just need to really get the work done.
And once it's done, we can step back in.
And instead of this taking this whole nextyear to feel like you get up to a place of
balance, what if this is for you, right?
To have in a day and 24 hours, right?
That you have that.
(50:31):
That blueprint for yourself tobe able to follow and everything
since March feels so much betterin your year instead of waiting for
another year for that to change.
Yeah, like this is your burst.
This is your opportunity to havethat burst of clarity that is going
to lighten up the rest of the year.
Yeah, good.
(50:51):
So come and join us.
We would love to have you.
I'm presenting and I'mgoing to be on a panel.
So just once again, it'sthe Momentum Summit.
It's on March 22nd.
9 4 is one option if you'reattending live, and then there's
some other options available as well.
We'll put the link to registerin the show notes, and look
(51:13):
forward to seeing you there.
I think it's gonna be just a greatexperience for all of us, and I love
what you brought up too about like,if you're feeling shy about it.
I've gone to things like that too,where I didn't know a single soul and
it felt really overwhelming at first.
And yeah, by the end of theday, it didn't even matter.
Cause I was getting so much out of thisthing that I had done and prioritize it.
(51:33):
It didn't matter if I didn't know anybody.
And the next time I'm like, okay,maybe I can find somebody to go with.
Like, that would be fun too.
Just.
Yeah, you walk away withnew friends for sure.
And Brenda will give yourlisteners, too a 10 discount.
So if you, when you check out the linkthat Brenda will post for you just put
in the code MOMENTUM10 and that willgive you 10 off, whether you choose
(51:56):
to attend virtually or in person.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
All right, Tina.
Really quick.
I have like two unrelatedquestions for you.
Are you from Canada?
No.
Where are you from?
Funny enough, like, so Iactually grew up in Midwest Ohio.
And I don't know where some of that,that Canadian accent comes from.
(52:17):
Cause I definitely know it's there.
I had a roommate incollege from Minnesota.
So maybe it picked up a little bit thereor maybe it just is the Ohioan in me.
But yeah, there's definitelysome A in there, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the about it's that'swhen I hear it and I'm like,
wait, I didn't know that's cool.
You're from Ohio.
Originally.
(52:38):
That's cool One final question if youwere a Spice Girl Which one would you be?
Oh my gosh.
Well, embarrassingly enough,I don't even know that I could
tell you which one's which.
I love music.
(53:02):
I am the worst person as faras like, which band was that?
What was the name of that song?
How did that go?
So But yeah, I I secretly have thisdesire to be in a hip hop class.
So at some point in my life, nomatter how old I am, I'm going
to allow myself to do that.
So, yeah, it's just, I am thewhitest dancer that you probably
(53:24):
will ever see, but I just love I lovefeeling in tune with music, right?
So awesome.
I love that.
Well, thank you for expressing that here.
I think our desires are so powerfuland I'm just really excited to see how
that's going to come about for you.
Very good.
I can't wait too.
Thanks, Brenda.
Yeah.
Thank you, Tina.
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