February 19, 2024 • 28 mins
Relationship Realities: Seeking Change and Building Desire
In this episode of The Restored Wife Podcast, Brenda Kradolfer and Stephanie discuss the moments in a relationship when the desire for change becomes significant enough to prompt action. Stephanie shares her personal journey, recounting a turning point in her marriage when her husband asked if divorce would make her happy. This initiated her journey of seeking support, reading books, and engaging in self-exploration to improve their relationship. They also discuss expectations in relationships, particularly those related to communication and gifts during special occasions like Valentine's day. They delve into how they previously let these expectations affect their relationships negatively and how they came to see things from a healthier perspective over time.
#RestoredWife #EmpoweredRelationships #ChangeIsPossible
00:09 Introduction and Welcome
00:17 The Turning Point in Relationships
00:31 The Struggle of Hitting Rock Bottom
01:42 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Change
02:18 The Fear of Divorce and its Impact
02:43 The Misconceptions of Compatibility
03:07 The Reality of Relationship Dynamics
04:09 The Struggles of Communication and Love Languages
04:52 The Power of Vulnerability and Expression
06:08 The Challenges of Expectations and Compromises
07:56 The Importance of Understanding and Acceptance
09:05 The Role of Desires and Expectations in Relationships
11:20 The Impact of Misunderstandings and Assumptions
11:49 The Journey of Self-Care and Personal Growth
14:40 The Power of Gratitude and Perspective
23:42 Conclusion: The Transformation of Relationships
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (00:09):
Welcome back to the Restored Wife Podcast.
I'm your coach and host, BrendaKradolfer, and I have Stephanie
here with me again this week.
We had such a blast last weektalking about the highs and lows
of our relationships, and we leftasking ourselves the question,
when was the moment when ourdesire for change Kradolfer.
big enough to act, bigenough to make a change.
(00:31):
And does somebody have to hitrock bottom to, to start making
changes in their relationship?
So Stephanie, welcome back.
So glad to have you.
STEPHANIE (00:41):
Well, hi, it's so good to be back.
I love what you're saying already.
Just like, when did I.
really reach out for support.
Did it have to get to rock bottom?
And I told last week on the episode,I was talking about when my husband
came into our bedroom and askedme if I wanted a divorce, asked
(01:02):
me if that would make me happy.
And I think, you know, thatwasn't, I would never compare
my relationship to other people.
I tried my best not to, but at thatpoint, that's when it kind of became
realistic that something, I wantedsomething to change, you know, that was
the point that I was like, you know, Idon't want to keep going on like this.
(01:25):
There's got to be a better way.
And the, the things that the booksthat I was reading, the podcasts
that I found were really giving methe evidence that like, we were not
compatible, you know, like I said,last week, I was kind of like, Oh, we
have different ways of communicating.
We have different ways of showing love.
And that's why eventually when Ifound the Empowered Wife, I really
(01:46):
liked, being accountable for my sideof things and being able to change.
Change myself and change, you knowfeeling how I felt when I left my
bedroom in the morning I just rememberfor a long time in our relationship.
I would just like be pissed off themoment I woke up and you know, my
(02:07):
husband didn't even have a chance.
So I also have an extremely loyal husbandand he he would tell me he would stick
around for the kids He didn't want it.
He did not want a divorce and And thatscared me too, Brenda, cause I was
like, well, then I'm going to have tobe the one that splits up our marriage
(02:27):
if we get a divorce and I'm goingto, you know, take the brunt of that.
And yeah, so that was, itwas a awakening for me.
But I wouldn't, I mean, Iwouldn't say it was a rock bottom.
It was a point that I wanted to pivot.
Definitely.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (02:43):
Well, I love what you brought up about all the different
books that you were reading, givingyou evidence that you weren't.
a good match that this didn't make sense.
It was like, yeah, weare totally different.
No wonder why we're having issues.
Was there like a, why didn't I seethis before or was it like this
happened later on in the relationship?
STEPHANIE (03:07):
I think, you know, when we fell in love, we were just, we
were having so much fun together andwe were adventuring and it was, you
know, the controlling part of me.
I, I talk a lot about ourfertility journey, but there were
signs of things going on before.
My husband, we were long distance andmy husband had bought a house and even
(03:28):
when I started to like decorate thingsYou know, there was even this weird
battle between me and my to be mother inlaw at this point I was the girlfriend
but like We were long distance, so Iwould come down to his house, drive
five hours, and like, you know, beputting the silverware drawer away.
He had just moved in, and like putting thebath mats a certain place in the bathroom.
(03:52):
And when I would come two weekslater, his mom had been there,
and she'd moved everything around.
And like, even the pictures on thewalls, and I was like, oh hell no!
I'm controlling!
And I was like, what the deal?
I am the lady of the house, you know?
Ugh, yeah.
Yeah, so the, when I did read thesebooks, I think at that point we
(04:15):
started to make some bigger decisions.
When we got married, when I wasofficially living together, we were
living together, when we had a family,and even, you know, like getting the
dog, having a cat, all the, all, youknow, life really merging together.
And when I would read thesebooks, It made sense to me.
(04:39):
We have different ways oflike I said, communicating and
showing our love especially.
And there was nothing beyond that.
It just explained youdo things differently.
So there you go.
And I was just like, now what?
Now what do I do?
So when I read The EmpoweredWife, it gave me some tools,
you know, to experiment with.
(04:59):
to see how we could communicate better,how I could actually be vulnerable and
express my feelings or how, give him theinformation so he's got a shot, you know?
BRENDA KRADOLFER (05:10):
Yeah.
I, what you're describing, I just like,I hear the tension, you know, like the
mother in law changing everything around.
I'm like,
I'm also like, yeah, I can, I can, Ican put myself in your shoes and just be
like, yeah, I'd be ticked and I wouldn't,and I'd be like, what is going on here?
(05:31):
And I love that you brought up the dogsand the cats because it's like, okay, so
I've seen a picture of my husband witha cat in his youth, and I didn't know
that he hated cats and animals of Almostevery kind, you know, like when I grew
up out in the country, you know, whereanimals were just part of everyday life.
And I remember when we, before we gotmarried, I was like, all I need is like
(05:55):
a little piece of property and a goat.
Like, can you do that?
Yeah.
And like, that's all I want.
And this was before we got married.
So he was like, sure, if that's what youwant, you know, like, yeah, let's do it.
And then we get married and Like the pieceof property and the goat are just not in
the cards at the moment, you know, andso I'll settle for a dog then, you know,
(06:21):
but it was like this point of contentionbecause he, he wasn't really a big animal
person, you know, and it was like, like,what did I, this is so small, but it
was like, it would just scratch that.
What did I do itch?
Right.
You know, like, oh, I didn't.
We didn't, we didn't have the list ofquestions that we went through, you
(06:43):
know, pre marriage, and I don't evenknow if that would have changed anything.
I know people I've heard say that, like,I heard a, a parent, like, parent saying,
K, when my, if, when my daughter wantsto get married, I'm gonna give, I'm gonna
sit the spouse down with this list andask him all these questions, you know?
Make sure we're all on the same page.
Yeah, oh.
STEPHANIE (07:03):
I'm like cringing at the same time, but like.
It's kind of helpful.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (07:08):
Yeah, like, I'm like, I can get it to be helpful, but I'm curious,
like, I had, I kind of had a few thingscome up like that, like, Hey, I would
love to have these things, you know, andhe's like totally on board and then you
get married and it's real life and thingsprogress in a, you know, different way.
You can't really predict.
Where the next job is going to be or, youknow, when somebody loses a job or when
(07:31):
you have to move, you know, there's justso many things that come up that kind
of put a wrench in things and I thinkit's easy to answer those questions.
Especially if you justwant to get married, right?
Oh, I know the answers to those questions.
I know how to answer in a way that,that will make this work, you know?
Or like, of course I feelthat way now, you know?
(07:52):
I don't know, thingsjust kind of change, so.
Anyway, that was somethingthat was coming up for me.
When you were sharing the storyabout the dogs and the cats.
STEPHANIE (08:02):
Yeah, it just, it gets real at a certain point.
So I have to know, do you have,you don't have a goat now?
You have a dog.
I don't
BRENDA KRADOLFER (08:09):
have a goat.
I have a dog.
I have a dog.
I have a, I have an Australian shepherd.
Oh, Australian shepherdpoodle Maltese mix.
It's like the most random mixbecause my husband's also allergic,
like highly allergic to goats.
(08:29):
So that was interesting because itwas like, Hey, I want this thing.
He's allergic.
Like, where is the, like, I shouldjust be a good wife and not get
this thing that he's allergic to.
Right.
Or like, there's always different.
This is something I would try to get.
Like, I know a friend who getsallergy shots because she really
wants a cat, you know, like, whycan't you just get allergy shots?
(08:53):
Right.
And again, just try to like,control that situation and
STEPHANIE (08:57):
Right, and like, where do you compromise and,
yeah, and not be resentful.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (09:05):
I feel like I did so much research around this decision too.
Oh my goodness.
And like, I got really intoAustralian Labradoodles.
And they're like 5, 000, you know,and we're a young couple with like
a kid or two, you know, like we'renot in the 5, 000 dog range at
this point in our relationship.
(09:27):
I wouldn't even say we're there now.
So, you know, like it was like, I wantthis so bad and I can't have it like
my husband's in the way, you know.
STEPHANIE (09:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what happened?
How did you say you figured out like anon shedding hypoallergenic something dog?
And how did you get your husbandto get on board with that?
BRENDA KRADOLFER (09:49):
I can't say he was ever on board with it, but he did.
He did say a couple of times,like, just do whatever you want.
And I didn't like the way he saidit to me, so I wanted him to be
all gung ho about the dog, youknow, and that wasn't happening.
And so that was kind of frustrating.
And I got to the point where Irealized that like, he's telling me
(10:10):
to just do, you know, what I want.
Like he's, he's not gonna, he's notgoing to change his whole viewpoint
of how he feels about this thing.
But he's given me the go ahead severaltimes, like, if you really want
this, go ahead, you know, and do it.
And you have my blessing,basically, I guess.
So I had to work through that alittle bit and then, yeah, it was
(10:33):
just, it kind of all came together.
I was always looking at puppiesonline, like showing him how cute
they were, you know, and like, yeah.
We did not budge very much.
Yeah, so this was like years long thing.
And yeah, it all came together.
We got our dog we have now.
(10:53):
She's an Australian Shepherd mixbecause I love Australian Shepherds.
And they're like really,they're not great for allergies.
And we found this random poodleMaltese mix that kind of looks
like an Australian Shepherd.
So, it's kind of random.
But it's fine.
He loves our dog.
He puts her to bed every night.
Like he, yeah.
(11:14):
And like they have their moments, right?
Like where he's like, Ihate that dog, you know?
Yeah.
Now I'm like, I get it.
Like, I don't always like her either.
Like, yeah, this is frustrating, you know?
Right.
STEPHANIE (11:26):
So you see the other side of the coin too for him.
Yeah.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (11:30):
But before it was like me against him, now it's like
I'm able to kind of, and if he gotupset about the dog at some point,
like I took that really personally.
Like that wasn't an attack onme, that was, again, my decision
that I had made, you know.
STEPHANIE (11:44):
Yeah, so you have to like defend it.
Yeah.
Yeah,
BRENDA KRADOLFER (11:49):
so it's kind of now the dog situation is just a give and
take, you know, it's like, but I get it.
I get like, I, it's funny cause like Iget where he's coming from now and I'm
like, yeah, you were probably right.
Like maybe this is like, Oh my gosh.
I could say like, I wanted it, youknow, it was like a desire that I
STEPHANIE (12:07):
had.
Right.
Oh, it's tough to follow throughon desires when like there's
pushback from your husband and evenwhen they say Whatever, whatever
you want to do like go do it.
I don't know I there's like twodifferent situations I can think of
right now or I It's with our dog.
We have a shelter dog who's awesome Likewe've had him for four or five years
(12:29):
now, but every once in a while he hasan accident in the house And it's at
night and like, as much as I've trainedthis dog, you know, we're keeping him
final choice, but like he, I cannotseem to break him of this and he sleeps
in the mud room, blah, blah, blah.
But I was like, you know what, whenwe're gone for eight or nine hours
during the day, we need a dog door.
(12:51):
Like I'd really, you know, and I'dbitch and complain about it and
I'd be like, I have to clean thisup and I'm in charge of the dog.
And finally I was able to belike, you know, I'd really love.
A new dog door so that when weleave, you know, I'm not worried
cause it's, it's stressing me out.
And then I, you know, and myhusband did the same thing, Brenda.
(13:12):
He was just like, I don't want any partof this, but if that's, what's going
to make you happy, like go for it.
And, you know, I'm like, I'm not as handyas you are, so I call my friend and I'm
like, I don't even know if it's a leftswinging door open or right or like,
cause we had to replace the whole door.
And you know, I really, I hadan expectation on my husband
(13:33):
when I expressed that desire.
I was just like, I wanted him tobe on board and take care of it.
And like, Yeah.
Yeah, and he wasn't.
And so now I just picked up the door fromHome Depot yesterday and I have a friend
coming to help install it and everythingand he just, he's, he helped me.
I had to return a different doorbecause the dog door wasn't the
(13:56):
right size, blah, blah, blah.
And He helped me get everything intothe truck and use ratchet straps and
make sure I was safe driving and, youknow, it's a two hour drive for me.
And so he's been supportive thewhole time, but maybe not the
way I wanted him to be, you know.
And like, just get over your drunk.
I'm gonna get the door.
(14:16):
It's gonna be awesome.
But, yeah.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (14:20):
What's the difference?
And I'm thinking when you'retelling me this, I'm like,
okay, this sounds fun though.
You're, you found a friend who's goingto like come over and like get the
door on with you, you know, like Ifound too that like some things happen
when I stopped trying to like make myhusband into something he's not and
just kind of get the desires out there.
And then the ideas would come to meand I would be excited about, you know,
(14:44):
fulfilling on that desire, doing, going toHome Depot or whatever it was, you know.
So I, I would love to talk about thatsome more, like our expectations behind
what it looks like when even just whenwe want something and you know, our
husband's not jumping up to do it.
Or I think you broughtup a really good point.
(15:06):
A lot of times they don'teven know like what it is that
would make us happy, right?
Oh, how can they even, I mean, I justwanted my husband to just get it, to just
know, you know, sometimes like that'show a beautiful relationship works.
Like you just read each other's mindsand then you're so connected, right?
(15:28):
Right,
STEPHANIE (15:28):
right.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (15:33):
That's how it works on the big screen because it's scripted,
you know, it's like somebody can sitin their little apartment with their
cat and write out a script of howthey would love for their, you know,
a man to approach every problem thatthey have and then act it out for us.
And then for me, I know I, that'swhat I think is going to happen now.
(15:56):
Right.
STEPHANIE (15:58):
Right.
I totally agree.
And there's just, I mean, the stuffI was fed as a kid, the stuff,
you know, the movies and it justdoesn't seem to work out that way.
And I remember I just evenremember a love story.
That movie.
Yes, yes, yes.
(16:18):
Just thinking about it, and it'slike love means never needing to say
you're sorry or something like that.
It just yeah And I'm like that's suchBS It's not the way accountability and
vulnerability and all that connectingstuff works For me, I know that and yeah,
just the assumption that my husband shouldunderstand everything that's going through
(16:43):
my mind and you know, Valentine's Day iscoming up and what are you getting me?
And you know, just like I remember in thepast Brenda whether it was our anniversary
or Mother's Day or my birthday, but Iwould have so many expectations on my
husband and it got to the point whereI was like anticipating him failing.
(17:04):
Like I would just anticipateit and he stopped trying.
He stopped trying to bring me anythingcause I was totally unpleasable.
And that's part that kind of goeshand in hand with me telling him,
you know, Hey, I'd love flowers.
I love getting flowers.
You know, I love just a handwritten card.
(17:25):
Oh, but yeah.
And, and then it, you know, giveshim some information, but I was,
I was unable to receive anythinggraciously and whatever he did was
wrong, so eventually he just stopped.
It was really painful at the sametime, but I mean, it was, it was things
that, I mean, one Mother's Day he gota four man backpacking tent and this
(17:48):
was, I love backpacking and our kidsat that point were ready to do it.
Oh my gosh, Brenda, I'm going to cringeright now, but he gave it to me and
we were setting it up in the yardand I was like, great family present.
Like not even for me.
And like, just, yeah, and thepoor guy, he just didn't stand
(18:13):
a chance for a long time.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (18:15):
Isn't it funny, like how different perspective,
like having a different perspectivechanges things because I totally
can relate to you saying like.
This is a family present, like, youdidn't even think of me personally,
and it's Valentine's Day, this isabout, like, the one that you love,
you know, like, expressing love to mepersonally, and then he buys a tent.
(18:38):
When you told me that, I was like, thatis so sweet, like, what a family man.
You know, and like, he's doing somethingall do together, but I wouldn't have
thought that in the past I wouldhave been right there with you.
Like if, if, if that were me, I know Iwould have been in the same situation
and yeah, Valentine's day is so loaded.
This is going to come outafter Valentine's day.
(19:00):
So my thought is like, Hey, if yourValentine's day didn't go great.
You know, like, let's talk, youknow, because I, I get it for me.
I, I know like my husband has gotten meone year, he got me these exotic flowers.
Huge, like birds of paradise, like hegot two, okay, and they were gorgeous
(19:26):
tropical flowers and I looked at themand I thought, these are not me at all.
Like,
STEPHANIE (19:37):
I
BRENDA KRADOLFER (19:40):
was like, so critical of these flowers and I was thinking, you
know, like, like, what was he thinking?
Like, he doesn't know me.
Like, these are not theflowers I would want.
Like, I would want Dahlias and I don't
STEPHANIE (19:56):
know.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so relatable.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (19:59):
You know, it just didn't speak to me.
And then my next thought was like, okay,so my husband grew up in Latin America.
Like, this is something that he likes.
So he's just getting himselfsomething, or you know, something
that reminds him of himself.
This is not Valentine's Day.
STEPHANIE (20:14):
How'd that go over?
What'd you do?
Were you like, thank you?
Yeah, I
BRENDA KRADOLFER (20:19):
said thank you, but it wasn't like a Like a, wow,
thank you, this is incredible thatyou spent, like, I, okay, this
is, this doesn't end right there.
I went online to the, you know,he got them for, from, I looked
at how much that they cost.
Ridiculous.
I was like, why would hespend so much money on these
(20:39):
flowers that I don't even like?
But I did this all secretly.
This is so sad.
Like, I don't ever want himto hear this because, like, he
doesn't know that I did this.
Um, so, yeah.
But, like, I know that in the moment hegave them to me, or, like, I'm sure I said
thank you, but it was, like, I don't knowif my body language said thank you because
(21:00):
I was just kind of caught off guard by it.
And, you know, I arranged them andI kind of had fun arranging them.
Like, it wasn't the worst.
You know, situation, but lookingback on it though, it was like one of
those examples when I'm reading thebook or when I'm, you know, receiving
coaching at some point where I'mlike, Oh my gosh, those flowers.
(21:21):
Those were such an incredible gift.
So beautiful.
And like, now I'm like, I love that helike, almost like found something that
he liked, you know, like he thoughtthis epitome of of just like his love
for me and like something so beautifuland extravagant, you know, and he
was willing to just spend that moneyon those, you know, those flowers.
(21:45):
And so I just look at it so differentlynow, so grateful, you know, for
who he is and what he does for me.
And, but in the moment, it was likea cringy, how could you do this
STEPHANIE (21:57):
moment?
Yeah.
Oh man.
So like, what do you think wasgetting in the way at that point?
Just like the money factoror just that he didn't
BRENDA KRADOLFER (22:10):
It was like the belief that I just had, I
think, that he didn't get me.
That was like the tape thatalways played in my head.
Like he doesn't really know me.
And so the flowers wereevidence that he didn't know me.
Oh my gosh.
Because they weren't flowersthat I would have picked out.
They said nothing in the moment.
(22:31):
They didn't say anythingthat screamed Brenda to me.
So it hurt in the moment, you know.
It was like this guy justdoesn't know who I am.
He doesn't, you know, knowwhat kind of flowers I like.
Yeah.
And so it really hurt.
So I just couldn't, I couldn't really,you know, appreciate them in the moment.
But now, like, even talking to you aboutit and thinking about it differently, I'm
(22:53):
like, I see so many things now as a symbolof his love, and it doesn't matter if it's
my symbol of love, because I, I feel likeI've kind of gotten over that barrier,
STEPHANIE (23:04):
really.
Right.
Yeah, I think, you know, that goesback to the love languages books, and
some of the other books I was reading,it's like, just accepting How people
show love, and it might not be the wayyou're used to it or you know, whatever,
but like there's, there's so much tobe grateful for and just the effort
(23:25):
put in there and yeah, I get that.
I have so many stories of thebattle days and just cringing and
seeing it very differently now.
Yes,
BRENDA KRADOLFER (23:38):
yes.
Well, Steph, this has been fun.
I love our, like, you know,stories from, from before, when.
When we saw things so differently andI love that you again, just bring up
the love languages because I thinkthat's a commonly recommended book.
I don't like, I think it's great toknow things about myself now, you know,
(24:01):
it's, it's hard not to read those thingsand put the expectations on the other
partner and like the contention that comeswhen, you know, it's not matching up.
So yeah, just going back tolike the, I don't know if
it's the accountability piece.
(24:21):
Or, yeah, I don't even knowwhat I'm trying to say.
Hopefully we'll edit this out.
When is this?
26 minutes.
STEPHANIE (24:28):
No, I, you know, I just get what you mean about expectations
and gosh, they were so hidden though.
I didn't even know I had expectationson my husband for a lot of the stuff
and just I was kind of, I think itwas baked into me too when I was
young or when I was born that likeyou don't tell people what you want.
(24:48):
You don't.
You know, like that, that's notokay to have desires to like, it's
selfish is what I was taught thatlike my, you know, you please other
people and that's how you show love.
And so yeah, getting in touch with tellingme husband, you know, Hey, I'd really
love a treadmill, you know, somethinglike that felt, I mean, it's, it sounds.
(25:12):
It sounds a little silly, but like feltreally vulnerable and scary to say that.
And especially when I was gettingin touch with like self care and
desires and what makes me happy thathaving an actual treadmill to like,
that takes up a lot of space too.
Part of my life.
Like I try to fit inevery nook and cranny.
And when I first started self care, Iwould go for walks during COVID at like
(25:35):
five in the morning with a headlamp.
So I didn't disruptanybody else around me.
You know, my kids would still be sleepingand I could help them with their zooms.
And like, I wouldn't take up space.
And so, you know, it was during COVID,the gym shut down and I was like, you
know, what I really miss is just runningon the treadmill and I like to watch.
You know, like FireflyLane or like a girly show.
(25:57):
Like I said, I love to do.
And you know, like I live in SouthernColorado, there are trails all around me.
And my husband would be like, well,stop, like go, go on a trail run.
And I'd be like, no, I reallyjust want to watch a girly show.
And.
Be on my treadmill.
I will run much further if I can watchthis show and So I was like getting
(26:17):
that pushback like that bait It feltlike you know that maybe my desire my
wanting that was not okay And it justI held I held on to that and I was at
a friend's house a couple weeks laterand she was like I'm about to move and
I got to get rid of this treadmill andI was, I was like, I've got my truck.
(26:38):
Let's put it in there.
Let's do it.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (26:40):
it wasn't even your husband that like jumped Up and
got the treadmill for you or likeOh Stephanie wants and it like it
came about in a different way Ends.
Yeah, I just love, I love thatpiece of it, that it doesn't always
have to come from my husband.
Cause again, I put everything onhim if it doesn't, if, if he's not
doing it or if he's not doing it inthis way, then something's wrong.
(27:04):
But just like getting it outthere, getting through kind of
the, the, the emotional process.
Oh, I guess that's what I was gonna say.
It was like, okay, when I go throughthis emotional process now I have hope
and I kind of know how it how it'sworking internally in me So I can kind
of sit back and be like, oh, yeah, likewhat you said Like I I feel guiltier.
I don't I don't I feel weird takingup space, you know, and so it became
(27:27):
more introspective Instead of, youknow, it's my husband that's just
standing in my way all the time of,of me having everything that I want.
Yeah.
STEPHANIE (27:38):
Yeah.
He got in the way for years.
But really it was justme getting in my own way.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (27:45):
Yes.
Yes.
I was getting in my own way too.
Why do we do that?
Gosh, it happens so easily.
It does.
Well, I love talking about this.
I could just talk about all thethings that I did in the battle days
and how I see them differently now.
Thank you so much, Steph, for sharingwith us your experience, your expertise.
STEPHANIE (28:11):
You're welcome.
It's been fun.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife Podcast.
I'm your coach and host, BrendaKradolfer, and I have Stephanie
here with me again this week.
We had such a blast last weektalking about the highs and lows
of our relationships, and we leftasking ourselves the question,
when was the moment when ourdesire for change Kradolfer.
big enough to act, bigenough to make a change.
(00:31):
And does somebody have to hitrock bottom to, to start making
changes in their relationship?
So Stephanie, welcome back.
So glad to have you.
STEPHANIE (00:41):
Well, hi, it's so good to be back.
I love what you're saying already.
Just like, when did I.
really reach out for support.
Did it have to get to rock bottom?
And I told last week on the episode,I was talking about when my husband
came into our bedroom and askedme if I wanted a divorce, asked
(01:02):
me if that would make me happy.
And I think, you know, thatwasn't, I would never compare
my relationship to other people.
I tried my best not to, but at thatpoint, that's when it kind of became
realistic that something, I wantedsomething to change, you know, that was
the point that I was like, you know, Idon't want to keep going on like this.
(01:25):
There's got to be a better way.
And the, the things that the booksthat I was reading, the podcasts
that I found were really giving methe evidence that like, we were not
compatible, you know, like I said,last week, I was kind of like, Oh, we
have different ways of communicating.
We have different ways of showing love.
And that's why eventually when Ifound the Empowered Wife, I really
(01:46):
liked, being accountable for my sideof things and being able to change.
Change myself and change, you knowfeeling how I felt when I left my
bedroom in the morning I just rememberfor a long time in our relationship.
I would just like be pissed off themoment I woke up and you know, my
(02:07):
husband didn't even have a chance.
So I also have an extremely loyal husbandand he he would tell me he would stick
around for the kids He didn't want it.
He did not want a divorce and And thatscared me too, Brenda, cause I was
like, well, then I'm going to have tobe the one that splits up our marriage
(02:27):
if we get a divorce and I'm goingto, you know, take the brunt of that.
And yeah, so that was, itwas a awakening for me.
But I wouldn't, I mean, Iwouldn't say it was a rock bottom.
It was a point that I wanted to pivot.
Definitely.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (02:43):
Well, I love what you brought up about all the different
books that you were reading, givingyou evidence that you weren't.
a good match that this didn't make sense.
It was like, yeah, weare totally different.
No wonder why we're having issues.
Was there like a, why didn't I seethis before or was it like this
happened later on in the relationship?
STEPHANIE (03:07):
I think, you know, when we fell in love, we were just, we
were having so much fun together andwe were adventuring and it was, you
know, the controlling part of me.
I, I talk a lot about ourfertility journey, but there were
signs of things going on before.
My husband, we were long distance andmy husband had bought a house and even
(03:28):
when I started to like decorate thingsYou know, there was even this weird
battle between me and my to be mother inlaw at this point I was the girlfriend
but like We were long distance, so Iwould come down to his house, drive
five hours, and like, you know, beputting the silverware drawer away.
He had just moved in, and like putting thebath mats a certain place in the bathroom.
(03:52):
And when I would come two weekslater, his mom had been there,
and she'd moved everything around.
And like, even the pictures on thewalls, and I was like, oh hell no!
I'm controlling!
And I was like, what the deal?
I am the lady of the house, you know?
Ugh, yeah.
Yeah, so the, when I did read thesebooks, I think at that point we
(04:15):
started to make some bigger decisions.
When we got married, when I wasofficially living together, we were
living together, when we had a family,and even, you know, like getting the
dog, having a cat, all the, all, youknow, life really merging together.
And when I would read thesebooks, It made sense to me.
(04:39):
We have different ways oflike I said, communicating and
showing our love especially.
And there was nothing beyond that.
It just explained youdo things differently.
So there you go.
And I was just like, now what?
Now what do I do?
So when I read The EmpoweredWife, it gave me some tools,
you know, to experiment with.
(04:59):
to see how we could communicate better,how I could actually be vulnerable and
express my feelings or how, give him theinformation so he's got a shot, you know?
BRENDA KRADOLFER (05:10):
Yeah.
I, what you're describing, I just like,I hear the tension, you know, like the
mother in law changing everything around.
I'm like,
I'm also like, yeah, I can, I can, Ican put myself in your shoes and just be
like, yeah, I'd be ticked and I wouldn't,and I'd be like, what is going on here?
(05:31):
And I love that you brought up the dogsand the cats because it's like, okay, so
I've seen a picture of my husband witha cat in his youth, and I didn't know
that he hated cats and animals of Almostevery kind, you know, like when I grew
up out in the country, you know, whereanimals were just part of everyday life.
And I remember when we, before we gotmarried, I was like, all I need is like
(05:55):
a little piece of property and a goat.
Like, can you do that?
Yeah.
And like, that's all I want.
And this was before we got married.
So he was like, sure, if that's what youwant, you know, like, yeah, let's do it.
And then we get married and Like the pieceof property and the goat are just not in
the cards at the moment, you know, andso I'll settle for a dog then, you know,
(06:21):
but it was like this point of contentionbecause he, he wasn't really a big animal
person, you know, and it was like, like,what did I, this is so small, but it
was like, it would just scratch that.
What did I do itch?
Right.
You know, like, oh, I didn't.
We didn't, we didn't have the list ofquestions that we went through, you
(06:43):
know, pre marriage, and I don't evenknow if that would have changed anything.
I know people I've heard say that, like,I heard a, a parent, like, parent saying,
K, when my, if, when my daughter wantsto get married, I'm gonna give, I'm gonna
sit the spouse down with this list andask him all these questions, you know?
Make sure we're all on the same page.
Yeah, oh.
STEPHANIE (07:03):
I'm like cringing at the same time, but like.
It's kind of helpful.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (07:08):
Yeah, like, I'm like, I can get it to be helpful, but I'm curious,
like, I had, I kind of had a few thingscome up like that, like, Hey, I would
love to have these things, you know, andhe's like totally on board and then you
get married and it's real life and thingsprogress in a, you know, different way.
You can't really predict.
Where the next job is going to be or, youknow, when somebody loses a job or when
(07:31):
you have to move, you know, there's justso many things that come up that kind
of put a wrench in things and I thinkit's easy to answer those questions.
Especially if you justwant to get married, right?
Oh, I know the answers to those questions.
I know how to answer in a way that,that will make this work, you know?
Or like, of course I feelthat way now, you know?
(07:52):
I don't know, thingsjust kind of change, so.
Anyway, that was somethingthat was coming up for me.
When you were sharing the storyabout the dogs and the cats.
STEPHANIE (08:02):
Yeah, it just, it gets real at a certain point.
So I have to know, do you have,you don't have a goat now?
You have a dog.
I don't
BRENDA KRADOLFER (08:09):
have a goat.
I have a dog.
I have a dog.
I have a, I have an Australian shepherd.
Oh, Australian shepherdpoodle Maltese mix.
It's like the most random mixbecause my husband's also allergic,
like highly allergic to goats.
(08:29):
So that was interesting because itwas like, Hey, I want this thing.
He's allergic.
Like, where is the, like, I shouldjust be a good wife and not get
this thing that he's allergic to.
Right.
Or like, there's always different.
This is something I would try to get.
Like, I know a friend who getsallergy shots because she really
wants a cat, you know, like, whycan't you just get allergy shots?
(08:53):
Right.
And again, just try to like,control that situation and
STEPHANIE (08:57):
Right, and like, where do you compromise and,
yeah, and not be resentful.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (09:05):
I feel like I did so much research around this decision too.
Oh my goodness.
And like, I got really intoAustralian Labradoodles.
And they're like 5, 000, you know,and we're a young couple with like
a kid or two, you know, like we'renot in the 5, 000 dog range at
this point in our relationship.
(09:27):
I wouldn't even say we're there now.
So, you know, like it was like, I wantthis so bad and I can't have it like
my husband's in the way, you know.
STEPHANIE (09:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what happened?
How did you say you figured out like anon shedding hypoallergenic something dog?
And how did you get your husbandto get on board with that?
BRENDA KRADOLFER (09:49):
I can't say he was ever on board with it, but he did.
He did say a couple of times,like, just do whatever you want.
And I didn't like the way he saidit to me, so I wanted him to be
all gung ho about the dog, youknow, and that wasn't happening.
And so that was kind of frustrating.
And I got to the point where Irealized that like, he's telling me
(10:10):
to just do, you know, what I want.
Like he's, he's not gonna, he's notgoing to change his whole viewpoint
of how he feels about this thing.
But he's given me the go ahead severaltimes, like, if you really want
this, go ahead, you know, and do it.
And you have my blessing,basically, I guess.
So I had to work through that alittle bit and then, yeah, it was
(10:33):
just, it kind of all came together.
I was always looking at puppiesonline, like showing him how cute
they were, you know, and like, yeah.
We did not budge very much.
Yeah, so this was like years long thing.
And yeah, it all came together.
We got our dog we have now.
(10:53):
She's an Australian Shepherd mixbecause I love Australian Shepherds.
And they're like really,they're not great for allergies.
And we found this random poodleMaltese mix that kind of looks
like an Australian Shepherd.
So, it's kind of random.
But it's fine.
He loves our dog.
He puts her to bed every night.
Like he, yeah.
(11:14):
And like they have their moments, right?
Like where he's like, Ihate that dog, you know?
Yeah.
Now I'm like, I get it.
Like, I don't always like her either.
Like, yeah, this is frustrating, you know?
Right.
STEPHANIE (11:26):
So you see the other side of the coin too for him.
Yeah.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (11:30):
But before it was like me against him, now it's like
I'm able to kind of, and if he gotupset about the dog at some point,
like I took that really personally.
Like that wasn't an attack onme, that was, again, my decision
that I had made, you know.
STEPHANIE (11:44):
Yeah, so you have to like defend it.
Yeah.
Yeah,
BRENDA KRADOLFER (11:49):
so it's kind of now the dog situation is just a give and
take, you know, it's like, but I get it.
I get like, I, it's funny cause like Iget where he's coming from now and I'm
like, yeah, you were probably right.
Like maybe this is like, Oh my gosh.
I could say like, I wanted it, youknow, it was like a desire that I
STEPHANIE (12:07):
had.
Right.
Oh, it's tough to follow throughon desires when like there's
pushback from your husband and evenwhen they say Whatever, whatever
you want to do like go do it.
I don't know I there's like twodifferent situations I can think of
right now or I It's with our dog.
We have a shelter dog who's awesome Likewe've had him for four or five years
(12:29):
now, but every once in a while he hasan accident in the house And it's at
night and like, as much as I've trainedthis dog, you know, we're keeping him
final choice, but like he, I cannotseem to break him of this and he sleeps
in the mud room, blah, blah, blah.
But I was like, you know what, whenwe're gone for eight or nine hours
during the day, we need a dog door.
(12:51):
Like I'd really, you know, and I'dbitch and complain about it and
I'd be like, I have to clean thisup and I'm in charge of the dog.
And finally I was able to belike, you know, I'd really love.
A new dog door so that when weleave, you know, I'm not worried
cause it's, it's stressing me out.
And then I, you know, and myhusband did the same thing, Brenda.
(13:12):
He was just like, I don't want any partof this, but if that's, what's going
to make you happy, like go for it.
And, you know, I'm like, I'm not as handyas you are, so I call my friend and I'm
like, I don't even know if it's a leftswinging door open or right or like,
cause we had to replace the whole door.
And you know, I really, I hadan expectation on my husband
(13:33):
when I expressed that desire.
I was just like, I wanted him tobe on board and take care of it.
And like, Yeah.
Yeah, and he wasn't.
And so now I just picked up the door fromHome Depot yesterday and I have a friend
coming to help install it and everythingand he just, he's, he helped me.
I had to return a different doorbecause the dog door wasn't the
(13:56):
right size, blah, blah, blah.
And He helped me get everything intothe truck and use ratchet straps and
make sure I was safe driving and, youknow, it's a two hour drive for me.
And so he's been supportive thewhole time, but maybe not the
way I wanted him to be, you know.
And like, just get over your drunk.
I'm gonna get the door.
(14:16):
It's gonna be awesome.
But, yeah.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (14:20):
What's the difference?
And I'm thinking when you'retelling me this, I'm like,
okay, this sounds fun though.
You're, you found a friend who's goingto like come over and like get the
door on with you, you know, like Ifound too that like some things happen
when I stopped trying to like make myhusband into something he's not and
just kind of get the desires out there.
And then the ideas would come to meand I would be excited about, you know,
(14:44):
fulfilling on that desire, doing, going toHome Depot or whatever it was, you know.
So I, I would love to talk about thatsome more, like our expectations behind
what it looks like when even just whenwe want something and you know, our
husband's not jumping up to do it.
Or I think you broughtup a really good point.
(15:06):
A lot of times they don'teven know like what it is that
would make us happy, right?
Oh, how can they even, I mean, I justwanted my husband to just get it, to just
know, you know, sometimes like that'show a beautiful relationship works.
Like you just read each other's mindsand then you're so connected, right?
(15:28):
Right,
STEPHANIE (15:28):
right.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (15:33):
That's how it works on the big screen because it's scripted,
you know, it's like somebody can sitin their little apartment with their
cat and write out a script of howthey would love for their, you know,
a man to approach every problem thatthey have and then act it out for us.
And then for me, I know I, that'swhat I think is going to happen now.
(15:56):
Right.
STEPHANIE (15:58):
Right.
I totally agree.
And there's just, I mean, the stuffI was fed as a kid, the stuff,
you know, the movies and it justdoesn't seem to work out that way.
And I remember I just evenremember a love story.
That movie.
Yes, yes, yes.
(16:18):
Just thinking about it, and it'slike love means never needing to say
you're sorry or something like that.
It just yeah And I'm like that's suchBS It's not the way accountability and
vulnerability and all that connectingstuff works For me, I know that and yeah,
just the assumption that my husband shouldunderstand everything that's going through
(16:43):
my mind and you know, Valentine's Day iscoming up and what are you getting me?
And you know, just like I remember in thepast Brenda whether it was our anniversary
or Mother's Day or my birthday, but Iwould have so many expectations on my
husband and it got to the point whereI was like anticipating him failing.
(17:04):
Like I would just anticipateit and he stopped trying.
He stopped trying to bring me anythingcause I was totally unpleasable.
And that's part that kind of goeshand in hand with me telling him,
you know, Hey, I'd love flowers.
I love getting flowers.
You know, I love just a handwritten card.
(17:25):
Oh, but yeah.
And, and then it, you know, giveshim some information, but I was,
I was unable to receive anythinggraciously and whatever he did was
wrong, so eventually he just stopped.
It was really painful at the sametime, but I mean, it was, it was things
that, I mean, one Mother's Day he gota four man backpacking tent and this
(17:48):
was, I love backpacking and our kidsat that point were ready to do it.
Oh my gosh, Brenda, I'm going to cringeright now, but he gave it to me and
we were setting it up in the yardand I was like, great family present.
Like not even for me.
And like, just, yeah, and thepoor guy, he just didn't stand
(18:13):
a chance for a long time.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (18:15):
Isn't it funny, like how different perspective,
like having a different perspectivechanges things because I totally
can relate to you saying like.
This is a family present, like, youdidn't even think of me personally,
and it's Valentine's Day, this isabout, like, the one that you love,
you know, like, expressing love to mepersonally, and then he buys a tent.
(18:38):
When you told me that, I was like, thatis so sweet, like, what a family man.
You know, and like, he's doing somethingall do together, but I wouldn't have
thought that in the past I wouldhave been right there with you.
Like if, if, if that were me, I know Iwould have been in the same situation
and yeah, Valentine's day is so loaded.
This is going to come outafter Valentine's day.
(19:00):
So my thought is like, Hey, if yourValentine's day didn't go great.
You know, like, let's talk, youknow, because I, I get it for me.
I, I know like my husband has gotten meone year, he got me these exotic flowers.
Huge, like birds of paradise, like hegot two, okay, and they were gorgeous
(19:26):
tropical flowers and I looked at themand I thought, these are not me at all.
Like,
STEPHANIE (19:37):
I
BRENDA KRADOLFER (19:40):
was like, so critical of these flowers and I was thinking, you
know, like, like, what was he thinking?
Like, he doesn't know me.
Like, these are not theflowers I would want.
Like, I would want Dahlias and I don't
STEPHANIE (19:56):
know.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so relatable.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (19:59):
You know, it just didn't speak to me.
And then my next thought was like, okay,so my husband grew up in Latin America.
Like, this is something that he likes.
So he's just getting himselfsomething, or you know, something
that reminds him of himself.
This is not Valentine's Day.
STEPHANIE (20:14):
How'd that go over?
What'd you do?
Were you like, thank you?
Yeah, I
BRENDA KRADOLFER (20:19):
said thank you, but it wasn't like a Like a, wow,
thank you, this is incredible thatyou spent, like, I, okay, this
is, this doesn't end right there.
I went online to the, you know,he got them for, from, I looked
at how much that they cost.
Ridiculous.
I was like, why would hespend so much money on these
(20:39):
flowers that I don't even like?
But I did this all secretly.
This is so sad.
Like, I don't ever want himto hear this because, like, he
doesn't know that I did this.
Um, so, yeah.
But, like, I know that in the moment hegave them to me, or, like, I'm sure I said
thank you, but it was, like, I don't knowif my body language said thank you because
(21:00):
I was just kind of caught off guard by it.
And, you know, I arranged them andI kind of had fun arranging them.
Like, it wasn't the worst.
You know, situation, but lookingback on it though, it was like one of
those examples when I'm reading thebook or when I'm, you know, receiving
coaching at some point where I'mlike, Oh my gosh, those flowers.
(21:21):
Those were such an incredible gift.
So beautiful.
And like, now I'm like, I love that helike, almost like found something that
he liked, you know, like he thoughtthis epitome of of just like his love
for me and like something so beautifuland extravagant, you know, and he
was willing to just spend that moneyon those, you know, those flowers.
(21:45):
And so I just look at it so differentlynow, so grateful, you know, for
who he is and what he does for me.
And, but in the moment, it was likea cringy, how could you do this
STEPHANIE (21:57):
moment?
Yeah.
Oh man.
So like, what do you think wasgetting in the way at that point?
Just like the money factoror just that he didn't
BRENDA KRADOLFER (22:10):
It was like the belief that I just had, I
think, that he didn't get me.
That was like the tape thatalways played in my head.
Like he doesn't really know me.
And so the flowers wereevidence that he didn't know me.
Oh my gosh.
Because they weren't flowersthat I would have picked out.
They said nothing in the moment.
(22:31):
They didn't say anythingthat screamed Brenda to me.
So it hurt in the moment, you know.
It was like this guy justdoesn't know who I am.
He doesn't, you know, knowwhat kind of flowers I like.
Yeah.
And so it really hurt.
So I just couldn't, I couldn't really,you know, appreciate them in the moment.
But now, like, even talking to you aboutit and thinking about it differently, I'm
(22:53):
like, I see so many things now as a symbolof his love, and it doesn't matter if it's
my symbol of love, because I, I feel likeI've kind of gotten over that barrier,
STEPHANIE (23:04):
really.
Right.
Yeah, I think, you know, that goesback to the love languages books, and
some of the other books I was reading,it's like, just accepting How people
show love, and it might not be the wayyou're used to it or you know, whatever,
but like there's, there's so much tobe grateful for and just the effort
(23:25):
put in there and yeah, I get that.
I have so many stories of thebattle days and just cringing and
seeing it very differently now.
Yes,
BRENDA KRADOLFER (23:38):
yes.
Well, Steph, this has been fun.
I love our, like, you know,stories from, from before, when.
When we saw things so differently andI love that you again, just bring up
the love languages because I thinkthat's a commonly recommended book.
I don't like, I think it's great toknow things about myself now, you know,
(24:01):
it's, it's hard not to read those thingsand put the expectations on the other
partner and like the contention that comeswhen, you know, it's not matching up.
So yeah, just going back tolike the, I don't know if
it's the accountability piece.
(24:21):
Or, yeah, I don't even knowwhat I'm trying to say.
Hopefully we'll edit this out.
When is this?
26 minutes.
STEPHANIE (24:28):
No, I, you know, I just get what you mean about expectations
and gosh, they were so hidden though.
I didn't even know I had expectationson my husband for a lot of the stuff
and just I was kind of, I think itwas baked into me too when I was
young or when I was born that likeyou don't tell people what you want.
(24:48):
You don't.
You know, like that, that's notokay to have desires to like, it's
selfish is what I was taught thatlike my, you know, you please other
people and that's how you show love.
And so yeah, getting in touch with tellingme husband, you know, Hey, I'd really
love a treadmill, you know, somethinglike that felt, I mean, it's, it sounds.
(25:12):
It sounds a little silly, but like feltreally vulnerable and scary to say that.
And especially when I was gettingin touch with like self care and
desires and what makes me happy thathaving an actual treadmill to like,
that takes up a lot of space too.
Part of my life.
Like I try to fit inevery nook and cranny.
And when I first started self care, Iwould go for walks during COVID at like
(25:35):
five in the morning with a headlamp.
So I didn't disruptanybody else around me.
You know, my kids would still be sleepingand I could help them with their zooms.
And like, I wouldn't take up space.
And so, you know, it was during COVID,the gym shut down and I was like, you
know, what I really miss is just runningon the treadmill and I like to watch.
You know, like FireflyLane or like a girly show.
(25:57):
Like I said, I love to do.
And you know, like I live in SouthernColorado, there are trails all around me.
And my husband would be like, well,stop, like go, go on a trail run.
And I'd be like, no, I reallyjust want to watch a girly show.
And.
Be on my treadmill.
I will run much further if I can watchthis show and So I was like getting
(26:17):
that pushback like that bait It feltlike you know that maybe my desire my
wanting that was not okay And it justI held I held on to that and I was at
a friend's house a couple weeks laterand she was like I'm about to move and
I got to get rid of this treadmill andI was, I was like, I've got my truck.
(26:38):
Let's put it in there.
Let's do it.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (26:40):
it wasn't even your husband that like jumped Up and
got the treadmill for you or likeOh Stephanie wants and it like it
came about in a different way Ends.
Yeah, I just love, I love thatpiece of it, that it doesn't always
have to come from my husband.
Cause again, I put everything onhim if it doesn't, if, if he's not
doing it or if he's not doing it inthis way, then something's wrong.
(27:04):
But just like getting it outthere, getting through kind of
the, the, the emotional process.
Oh, I guess that's what I was gonna say.
It was like, okay, when I go throughthis emotional process now I have hope
and I kind of know how it how it'sworking internally in me So I can kind
of sit back and be like, oh, yeah, likewhat you said Like I I feel guiltier.
I don't I don't I feel weird takingup space, you know, and so it became
(27:27):
more introspective Instead of, youknow, it's my husband that's just
standing in my way all the time of,of me having everything that I want.
Yeah.
STEPHANIE (27:38):
Yeah.
He got in the way for years.
But really it was justme getting in my own way.
BRENDA KRADOLFER (27:45):
Yes.
Yes.
I was getting in my own way too.
Why do we do that?
Gosh, it happens so easily.
It does.
Well, I love talking about this.
I could just talk about all thethings that I did in the battle days
and how I see them differently now.
Thank you so much, Steph, for sharingwith us your experience, your expertise.
STEPHANIE (28:11):
You're welcome.
It's been fun.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!