October 8, 2024 • 45 mins
Join Brenda Kradolfer, certified relationship coach, in this enlightening episode of the Restored Wife podcast. Discover how heartache can transform into heartwarming love as Brenda shares her journey of self-care and relationship healing. Featuring Courtney from Prism Healing, this episode delves into the Empowered Wife workshop, exploring how understanding codependency and relinquishing control can lead to deeper intimacy and connection. Whether you're seeking to enrich your relationship or maintain its strength, this episode offers valuable insights and practical tools for a fulfilling partnership.
Chapters:
(00:00) The Restored Wife podcast focuses on helping couples strengthen their relationships
(00:54) Courtney from Prism Healing helps women deal with limiting beliefs in relationships
(01:59) You joined the empowered wife workshop back in December
(04:03) Codependency played a big part in my relationship with my husband
(10:34) Courtney says relinquishing control was the most impactful exercise from workshop
(15:02) There was an assignment where my husband was supposed to plan a no control date
(20:31) You relinquished control of your marriage with a no control date
(21:56) Has your perception of yourself and or your role in your relationship changed
(25:18) How would you describe your relationship now? I think that there are still
(33:14) There are moments in marriage when intimacy can feel really low
(38:04) Working on self care can help your loved ones, too
(44:36) It's been so fun to talk with you and to hear your journey
Keywords: Relationship Coaching, Brenda Kurdolfer, Prism Healing, Empowered Wife Workshop, Codependency, Self-Care, Intimacy Skills, Relinquishing Control, Marriage Improvement, Relationship Dynamics, Emotional Healing, Personal Growth, Relationship Advice, Marriage Journey, Workshop Experience, Relationship Transformation, Relationship Tools, Relationship Podcast, Relationship Insights, Relationship Empowerment
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Brenda Kradolfer [00:01.4]
Do you want to build a resilientfoundation for your marriage
and feel cherished and deeplyunderstood by the man you married?
I'm Brenda Kradolfer, certified LauraDoyle relationship coach, and I'm here
to share with you how heartache can turninto heartwarming love and affection.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
(00:30):
No matter where you are in yourrelationship, there is hope to
rediscover the fun in your relationship.
build the closeness and getmore help in the process.
Stay tuned as we discover thetools to make relationships feel
closer and easier than ever.
And if you're already feeling prettygood about your relationship, this could
(00:50):
be the best relationship preventativemedicine you didn't know you needed.
Kradolfer [00:01.639]
I have a very special guest todaywith me, Courtney from Prism Healing.
She has been an integral part of myself -care journey and really helped me
to get in touch with things that havebeen buried under the surface that I
knew were affecting my relationship,but like didn't know at the same time.
(01:15):
Things that would come up andI couldn't figure out like
what was getting in the way.
It seemed like it was myhusband getting in the way.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [00:29.477]
You
Brenda Kradolfer [00:29.535]
But there were some other deep-seated things going on, things from
my childhood, just limiting beliefs.
And so I've worked through a lot ofthose things with Courtney's help.
And she's here with me today.
(01:36):
She took my empowered wife workshopwith me and a group of other women.
Last week we talked with Jen.
She was part of that group too.
We did it in my living room andit was just a fun bonding time.
So welcome to the podcast, Courtney.
Thanks so much for being here.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [00:59.489]
Thank you so much for having me.
Get to hang out with my friends.
Brenda Kradolfer [01:01.737]
You're welcome.
(01:56):
Yay.
Yes, I love it.
So what inspired you to enjoy it,to join the empowered wife workshop?
This was back in Jan, no December.
We did this, we didthis quite a while ago.
So if you can remember back thatfar, what inspired you to kind
of take that leap and do that
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:14.155]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:21.854]
Yeah, well, I'm always looking for otheropportunities being an energy healer or
(02:22):
emotional healer and all of the trainingand work that I've done over the years
in my own personal healing journey.
I know that there's nolike arrival at healing.
so especially because in myhealing journey, my relationship
with my husband is a big partplays a big part in my story.
So I I'm always looking foropportunities to be like, well,
(02:43):
this sounds like a really good
workshop or program or somethingthat I would benefit from.
And so when it came up, itwas like, yeah, why not?
And I'm always one that isdealing with the issue of FOMO.
So I wasn't about to let my friendssign up and all be a part of something.
And I was like, well,I'm going to do this too.
(03:03):
Like, yeah, sign me up.
Let's all do it together.
If we get to do it together.
And when you adapted it a littlebit, especially for us so that we
could all be together in person inyour living room, which I know is
a common way that you usually do it.
So I'm like, we get to hang out everyMonday for like this many weeks.
That's going to be awesome.
So yeah, all those reasons together.
(03:25):
Brenda Kradolfer [02:32.667]
I love it.
And yes, it's one of the things that I'velearned about practicing any skill, but
especially these skills, relationshipskills, is that it's more fun, it's more
supportive, it's just more helpful ifI can do it with other people who are,
you know, along on the ride with me.
And, you know, there's somebodythat relates to what I'm
(03:46):
talking about, what I'm going
So I love that you took advantageof that opportunity and that we
all got to hang out in my livingroom for a few weeks together.
It was a really good, good excuse,all in the name of improving our
relationships and healing really.
So I love that.
What were your initialhopes when you signed up?
(04:06):
Like, what were you hopingto get out of the workshop?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:08.224]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:17.347]
I think that in some ways, a lot ofmy healing journey up until that point
had brought me to understanding howcodependency played a big part in my
relationship with my husband, that it wassomething I didn't even know was a thing.
(04:29):
hadn't done a lot of like couples therapyor things like that in our long journey
together and our many ups and downsand flows of marriage and how that can
But in coming to an awareness of that,this was like hitting right where
I needed it, if that makes sense.
Like I knew that the journey that I hadbeen on so far was a lot of my work being
(04:55):
done, not necessarily like him changingor working on him or being like, well,
he needs to go to therapy with me andwe have to do these things together and
we have to work on blah, blah, blah.
And I know that in our
relationship and the way that we've comeat it, it never worked very well to be
(05:16):
like, well, we have to do this together.
You need to show up withme and do this with me.
And we've done a lot of thingstogether, but it's like, if I'm
pulling and dragging him along, it onlyreinforces our codependency patterns.
It doesn't ever really address anything.
And then I'm built withmore and more resentment,
(05:37):
I'm putting in all this work andeffort into our relationship and
into changing and into healingand into making it better.
And you're doing nothing andyou're not coming with it
with an enthusiastic attitude.
And I'm just like so frustrated.
And then so this feels like, especiallywhen I started, it was like, you're not
going to have to involve your husband.
This is just about you.
(05:59):
You get to come and do this workshopand you get to improve all of these
intimacy skills in your relationship.
Perfect.
Brenda Kradolfer [05:16.891]
Wow.
Yeah, I hear you've beenon this healing journey.
You've been on the healingjourney for yourself.
You've done a lot of work for yourself.
And then when it came to yourrelationship, was like, sounds
(06:22):
like just things that you hadtried just backfired or didn't
produce the result that you wanted.
It gave you more of this codependencypattern that you mentioned.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:40.19]
Mm -hmm.
Yep, it just reinforcedthat cycle of like, well,
(07:25):
I'm doing all this work, what about you?
And the way I always would describeit is codependency is dishonoring
yourself to honor others.
So in some of the workshop, we learnedabout how like over -functioning
and doing too much for them andshowing up, you know, when you really
would be kind of resentful of it,
Brenda Kradolfer [05:47.24]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:07.949]
Ultimately, you'd be resentful thatyou are giving so much of yourself and
your energy towards them and pickingup their pieces and dealing with that.
But it also is dishonoringthem to honor yourself.
And I was kind of falling into either oneor the other where I was like, look at
me working on myself and doing so much.
Look at me.
I'm healing and I'm raising my vibrationalfrequency and I'm doing all this work.
What about you?
How come you're
Brenda Kradolfer [06:24.329]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:34.904]
How come you're not doing it with me?
Like you're just sitting there like a bumpon a log and I'm like working so hard and
showing up and doing all these things.
And so I was just flipping theswitch and being like right on
the other side of codependency.
I was still participating in it.
It was just looking different than before.
(07:46):
you know, coming into a balance oflike when I can honor myself and honor
him and some of those intimacy skillsin the workshop are really good.
Like when you bring up respectand when you bring up like,
what does he really want?
He wants to be respected.
Well, I wasn't doing that.
Well, I was like, you know, making himfeel worse and worse and worse about
(08:11):
not showing up in the way I wantedhim to or, know, in those patterns.
Brenda Kradolfer [07:23.167]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:25.399]
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [07:26.003]
Wow, really cool!
So yeah, like I hear that the workshopwas an opportunity for you to take
your healing journey, your work onyourself, just to another level.
(08:31):
And that it sounded kind ofappealing that you didn't have
to drag your husband along.
Like this was work you could do on yourown and, and see improvements in your
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:38.403]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:50.955]
Absolutely, yeah.
And actually put into practicewhat you were teaching us to do.
(08:53):
One thing that helps me in learningnew concepts or reinforcing concepts I
already knew but wasn't maybe ready toput into practice or didn't know how,
because it is changing neural pathways.
So that can be really hard.
It can be really confusing at first.
It can be like, I want
I want what you're telling me, but how?
(09:16):
You know, like, there's an element of,in the transformation from one to the
next, where it's like, I want that,I see it, and logically it all makes
sense, but there's this confusionthat isn't able to like, take it
(09:36):
all the way, if that makes sense.
So I feel like the program and the waythat you took us through it was really
helpful because it gave like those little,I'm not sure, I don't remember what you
called them, but they're like these littlecheat phrases, little things that are
like, if you're finding yourself feelingthis way, use this one phrase or this
(09:58):
one example to help you in that moment.
I needed that.
I needed like those practicalapplications that are like, in this
moment, you can actually just do
Brenda Kradolfer [08:45.929]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [09:16.583]
Yeah, I so relate to that.
like, tell me the how.
Like I get this in theory, like thissounds good, but like, what is the how?
(10:18):
And so I hear for you, it was thecheap phrases that were helpful.
Like if you're stuck in this moment andthis is how you're feeling, this is what
you can use to navigate that and to stillfeel like you've honored yourself and
respected your husband at the same time.
What would you say was the most impactfullesson or exercise from the workshop?
(10:41):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [09:49.064]
I think when we got to skill numberthree, relinquish control was definitely
like, it was one of those thingswhere I have been slowly tapping away
(11:02):
at that part of myself for years.
Like this is nothing new where someonecomes to me and says, Courtney, you're
a little bit of a control freak.
You wanna be in control.
And I mean, part of it is recognizing why.
So some of the healing work that I dowith integrated processing technique
and the emotional processing workthat I do with clients, the years
(11:25):
of work that I've done in that realmhelps because it says, you're not
just a control freak for no reason.
I'm using air quotes forthose that can't see me.
Control freak.
Right?
Like it makes it soundlike a really bad thing.
And it really makes it seem likeyou must be some kind of monster
if you're walking around tryingto control everybody all the time.
(11:46):
Or you're one of those kind of womenwho, you you can probably use your
imagination on what kinds of badwords can be called women who are
like that and who just seem to bebossing everybody around all the time.
And I'm definitely all those things,but I'm also those things for a reason.
and going back into my past andunderstanding my journey and
(12:08):
knowing that like, there's a lotof what I've experienced in my
life that caused me to be that way.
And really she's justa scared little girl.
And when you really think of herthat way and all of you listening,
every one of you, everyone whowas like me and his like, yeah, I
tend to be called a control freak.
I tend to be overbearing that way.
(12:31):
there's a reason for it.
We're not that way for no reason.
So having compassion for ourselvesfirst, I think was a huge step.
And then when we got to that part of theworkshop, was like, yeah, here we go.
Here's another layer of thisrelinquishing control that I really need.
(12:52):
And it doesn't matter howmany times I am, it's brought
forward or I'm told like, okay.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [12:05.979]
You got to do you got to work on this.
This is got is an important part of it.
Your relationship cannot last andit cannot be what you want it to
be if you don't focus on this.
If you don't have work in this area.
(13:16):
And so, yeah, when it came up,I was like, here we go again.
All right.
Let's let's go.
And just like I, you
opened myself up to it, there weremany things that were brought up that
I was like, okay, that's new to me.
Even though I've heard this a thousandtimes in a thousand different ways, this
(13:39):
is just another new way that's bringingit forward for me so that I can be like,
okay, all right, yep, I see it, I hear it.
So having it be like, you explain thatit's really that wall keeping you from
the intimacy that you really want.
are coming across as controlling,manipulative, or you're just
(14:02):
trying to get your own way in thesituation and not able to release
and let go and let it be what it is.
Yeah,
it's kind of just that block, thatwall keeping you from the intimacy.
And I'm like, but I do want intimacy.
Maybe that's the
Brenda Kradolfer [13:27.154]
Yeah!
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [13:28.027]
Point like I've really wanted thatall along and I always thought
(14:25):
control was the way to get it orthat was like What my little little?
Inner child brain really thoughtwas the way to do it and it's
just not it wasn't working
Brenda Kradolfer [13:45.375]
Courtney, thank you forsharing so vulnerably.
I just really hear thatwall that was there.
(14:48):
And I also just hear like you came intothis workshop, like ready to do that work.
Like I just feel like youwere like, okay, show me.
Like I'm ready.
Like I know it's scary.
Like it sounds like it was scary,but you're like, okay, I wanna do it.
I wanna know what else is keepingme from what I truly want to have.
(15:10):
Was there like a moment of significantshift or breakthrough for you
with that skill or with anythingelse that we did in the workshop?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [14:23.64]
Well
You know, not to, at the risk of
like, letting all the mystery out.
But there was an assignment of doing a nocontrol date where my husband was supposed
(15:37):
to plan, I'm like, I don't think he'sever in his entire life, like planned
something for us completely without my.
Brenda Kradolfer [14:41.651]
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [14:54.783]
input or anything, mostlybecause it's just not his forte.
I mean, he's just kindof a go with whatever.
And I think he kind of likes thatI control a lot of things like when
(15:59):
we make plans and things like that,because he can just kind of like,
relax and like, let it all happen.
But but I tried to be like, Okay, sothis is something I really want to try.
You are going to plan usa date at some point I
plan when it's going to happen and youplan the entire thing and whatever it is
it is and I don't get a say in any of itlike you get to plan the entire thing.
(16:24):
So I did bring it up to him and andkind of as a challenge I guess as like
Let's see how this goes.
And it was incredibly hard for me.
It was really, really hard becauseI wanted to keep reminding him
that he hadn't planned our noplan date for however long.
(16:48):
Like it took a while.
I can't even remember when it actuallyhappened because it was so many
months later, but it was like, itwas way after the class was done.
wasn't even like, so basicallywhen I reported back in the class,
when we were in the class, was
so it hasn't happened yet.
I'm still waiting.
don't know if it's going to.
(17:09):
I was totally like, it was hard and I wasanxious to just, I don't know, take the
reins or nag or push or I don't know whatI was thinking would happen, but I was
like, it'll either happen or it won't.
But even it not happeningneeds to be let go.
(17:30):
Like I needed to belike, this isn't my deal.
Like no control.
So I wrote down like even in mynotebook here, have giving up control.
It like, it's an illusion of powerwhen you think you have control
and that it doesn't actually makeyou control anything or anyone.
(17:53):
It's just making you exhausted.
And I'm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:05.686]
I wrote that down.
I'm like, I'm putting a star next to that.
I need to remember that it's really notmaking me more in control of anything.
It's just making me exhausted.
Brenda Kradolfer [17:15.677]
Yeah, okay so wait thedate did happen eventually?
(18:15):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:22.119]
Yeah, and I'm trying to remember nowin this moment because it did happen.
I'm trying to remember what we did.
I can't even remember what the date was.
Brenda Kradolfer [17:29.311]
Cause I'm just sitting here like,I'm like, you did the assignment.
The assignment wasabout no control, right?
And I hear how hard itwas, but you did it.
You were able to just, you know, for thesake of this assignment, which is very
(18:36):
particular, just, it's a one -time thingthat we do, just as an exercise, you know?
And yeah, it's like one of those thingswhere it's like, here it is, you know?
And to be able to let it go.
And you did, you did
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:33.801]
Yeah.
Yep.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:58.547]
Yes, we did.
We did have the date and I'm tryingto remember exactly what happened.
I don't remember what the date was.
(18:58):
I can't remember exactly what we did.
Maybe we went to a movie,maybe we did dinner.
I can't totally remember, but Ido remember that it was awesome.
I remember how it felt.
Like I remember coming back and Iremember even telling you and maybe
some of the ladies that were inour class, I was like, we did it.
We finally did it.
And I was like, it felt so good.
(19:20):
I loved just not havingany, I felt taken care of.
I felt like, I mean, maybefor one of the first times,
but only because I allowed it.
Like I allowed that Iget to be taken care of.
I get to be driven to wherever and fedand I'm pretty sure we went and ate and
(19:44):
I was just like, we got to eat whatever.
picked out whatever restaurant wewent to and whatever he picked for.
I even said to him, I don't thinkhe knew it was the no control date
actually because he said somethingabout wanting to do something
together and I was like, okay, great.
You plan it and I'll doit whatever you want.
And then I spent the wholeevening going, whatever you want.
(20:06):
What do you think we should do?
What do you think we should order?
And I had him pick everything on themenu and everything that we ate and
I just was like, this was awesome.
I love.
everything we've done and it just feelsso good to be like the passenger princess.
Brenda Kradolfer [19:30.025]
Yeah, I hear
(20:26):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [19:31.994]
on a road trip like Passenger Princess.
Brenda Kradolfer [19:36.409]
Yeah, it sounds really nice.
It sounds glamorous.
And it does sound like it was kindof a relief that you didn't have
to make all the choices all the
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [19:45.53]
Mm -hmm.
It felt so good.
mean, because it's I am one who likelike when we took the beginning intimate
(20:49):
Intimacy test to see a score of likehow intimate is your marriage and I?
Was in the category of overworkedand underappreciated so Definitely
I was one that I Think a lotof the roadblocks I was hitting
Brenda Kradolfer [19:47.931]
Hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [20:00.852]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [20:12.931]
especially with that intimacyskill of really relinquish control.
(21:10):
I was hitting that becauseI tend to be the one who is
like, well, I'll just do it.
I'll do everything.
And then I'm the one going, why amI the one who has to do everything?
I probably have saidthat thousands of times.
It's like, I guess it'll be me again.
I'll do it
again.
And I couldn't do it without resentment.
(21:31):
Like it was something
Brenda Kradolfer [20:33.481]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [20:40.473]
I was building that within me alot because I was like, well, here
I am picking up these pieces againand here I am doing this again.
so, yeah.
It was big shift to be able to dothat no control date, I think, and
to be able to not control when ithappened or to get impatient about
(21:52):
when it was happening or not happening.
Brenda Kradolfer [21:00.479]
Yeah.
Has your perception of yourself and, and,or your role in your relationship changed?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [21:11.758]
You know, and I think it's still alwayskind of a revisiting work in progress.
(22:12):
I wouldn't say that I come to addit, you know, completely changed and
I'm like never asserting control andI'm never, I would love to say to
people that you get to a point whereyou're just like healed in all realms
and you're just a different person,but it is always a slow transition.
And it's always just a little bitof, like I said, like kind of,
(22:35):
chiseling away the layersand getting to a point.
And sometimes you don't even notice.
You think, I'm still doing thatthing that I said I wasn't going to
do, you kind of reprimand yourselffor being like, I did it again.
I fell back into thatpattern or I did that thing.
But the truth is, when I lookback over time and over the
(22:58):
years, I can see the change.
I can see the progress and I can see
what a different person I was than Iwas just a year ago or two years ago.
And the intimacy test has helpedthat because it gives you a score.
And I was like, I'm sure if I hadtaken that test way before all of my
(23:21):
work, I would have scored pretty low.
I'm only imagining.
And when we started thecourse, I was in the 50 range.
So I was in
overworked and underappreciated section.
And then we had the opportunityto do the test again at another
event that we were at and I was60 or above, something like that.
(23:46):
And I know that like I was ableto go, wow, I'm doing a lot
better than I thought I was.
Even when sometimes Ifeel like, I messed up.
I said the thing and I did the thing andI said I wasn't gonna do that anymore.
over time being able to see that like,wow, I really made a lot of progress
and I'm not the person I used to be.
(24:07):
I'm sure it was something of anightmare to live with at some
point, you go back far enough.
And now I'm not a nightmare to live with.
I'm not, you know, the person that I was.
And so I can celebrate that.
And I think we should all.
Brenda Kradolfer [23:30.323]
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm celebrating with you.
(24:27):
I think it's huge to be able to see theprogress and to also look back and see,
know, like, I messed thatup or like, I did it again.
like seeing it is part of that.
if I can't see it, I can't fix itor I can't choose a different way.
(24:48):
And so I love that
I don't always love thatpart of the process.
It's uncomfortable.
It's like, it does feelreally, it can be painful.
It can be, you know, just uncomfortable.
So I love the positive spin on it though.
It's growth, it's change,it's changing up a dance.
(25:11):
It's changing up the way you do things.
And I just hear like somuch accountability in that.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [24:09.74]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [24:27.571]
How would you describe your relationship
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [24:33.003]
I think that there are still waves of
(25:32):
kind
I don't know what you would callit, like dead spots, know, waves
of moments where I'm like, we'vejust kind of gotten into a rut.
We're not connecting like I would like.
And it's amazing when I stopped tothink about it, because I try to do a
gratitude journal at night when I goto bed and include the things that,
(25:55):
you know, happened during the day.
I have to mark my life and how I feel.
with a lot of gratitude that even indead spots when I feel like sometimes
we're just kind of going through themotions of the day and you everybody
has those moments where they're like,we literally like maybe spend five
(26:19):
minutes together today and then it'slike bedtime and we're like so exhausted
and tired and we're like, good night.
Okay, you know, love you, good night.
And we even talked about this justbeing summertime and it being hot.
Sometimes we're not as cuddly.
during those night time moments whenwe're saying good night, because
we're just like, it's so hot.
We don't even want totouch each other right now.
(26:41):
But giving ourselves grace for thoseseasons of time that are just like right
now might feel like a little bit of a rut.
But when I'm doing my gratitude journal,I realize that even in our rut, we are
so much better off than we were justyears ago during times when things were
really, really hard and things were reallydifficult and we had a lot going on.
And there was thingslike addiction that had
(27:04):
play in our relationship and thathas gotten significantly better in
recovery and the times when we hadlittle babies, I had twin babies
that we were taking care of and atoddler at one point in our marriage.
mean, things were just hard, which wasall during addiction recovery time too.
So that was just like, I often describethat in our marriage and in my life
(27:27):
as like going through a jungle.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [26:37.991]
because you are going through it paceby pace, but you don't even realize how
much you're whapped in the face until youget through the jungle and you realize
how scarred you are from everything.
You're like, I'm really scratchedup, but I didn't realize it
when I was in the jungle becauseI was just going through it.
Like I was just like one step at a time.
(27:49):
We're just getting through this.
So I like to mark those moments and go,wow, when we are on, we're really on.
Marriage is a romancenovel, best as it can get.
It's wonderful.
When we're in a rut,it's still pretty great.
(28:12):
Like we might not be in a romance noveland all over each other and all the
good things, but we are clicking so muchbetter than like ever before in our lives.
So I have to stop and say that's great.
I'll take it.
Brenda Kradolfer [27:34.239]
Wow.
Yeah.
that's really inspiring court.
(28:33):
I like, sounds like you're describing kindof a rut, but it sounds really peaceful.
It sounds like, you know, like it's slowand like you're out of the jungle, right?
And there's not any like big thingsthat are, that are in your way
and that you have this vision,you know, of like, I've seen it.
(28:55):
I've seen.
romance novel before and I hear likejust the way you describe it it just
sounds like we'll get back to therelike we're in this phase right now
we're at summer and you know like
I can really relate tothat by the way too.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [28:09.918]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [28:14.83]
Yeah, I know.
And I have to say it for people who arelistening who might feel like, we're
not quite like as physically intimateat this moment as I would like to be.
(29:18):
It's like, well, sometimesthere's just seasons for things.
Like, let's give ourselves a littlebit of grace and to be like, listen,
sometimes touching and all the thingsmight not feel super great right now.
I mean, it just giving yourselfthe grace of cycles and
understanding your own cycles.
to be like, there's gonna be times wherethat's super, super hot and heavy and
(29:42):
sometimes it's just not and that's okay.
But, you know, yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [28:53.213]
Yeah.
Yeah, it sounds like another layerof relinquishing control to me.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [29:00.569]
Yeah, yeah.
And I used to be real panickyabout stuff like that.
I used to have a lot more anxiety whereI'd be like, I know this is so silly,
(30:02):
but I used to have some kind of an issuewith the sides of the bed we slept on.
I don't know what it is.
I can't explain it.
I think it's otherworldly.
But I would wake up in the middle of thenight in a panic that we were sleeping
on the same sides of the bed all the
(30:23):
I used to think that that, and inthe daytime I didn't think this.
This is just a weird thing that Iwould wake up and like panic about.
But I used to think thatmeant we were in a rut.
That like we weren't good becausewe were so set in our ways.
We would still sleep on the same sidesof the bed every single night and had our
(30:45):
own side of the bed, which I know is liketotally just common for married people.
Like we have our side of the bed.
What's the big deal?
But I had this impression somewheredeep in my subconscious that
that meant we weren't excitingor connected or really clicking.
And I remember specifically onetime waking up in the middle of the
(31:07):
night in like an anxious panic andI pushed him over to the other side.
I made him sleep on my side andlike shoved him over and he was just
like, what is happening right now?
And
okay, whatever, and he went back tosleep and I was like, okay, back on
his side of the bed so everything'sgood, because we shuffled it around.
We did
(31:29):
a little musical chairs with oursides of the bed or whatever.
And we woke up in the morning and he waslike, why am I on your side of the bed?
But it's just interesting tothink about how we've come from
there to now and now I'm not
my gosh, we haven't like connectedon all these ways that I think are
(31:50):
important, but like we are connectingon the ways that are important.
And so just kind of re reestablishingwhat these intimacy skills are and that
when I kind of revisiting them and makingsure that like, where are we at with that
and where can I, you know, improve andthen that's what really matters, right?
(32:13):
Not like which side ofthe bed you sleep on.
Brenda Kradolfer [31:24.231]
Yeah.
And it like, sounds like, like thereis intimacy, like you're looking for
how are you, how are you connecting?
How are you intimate?
when you described your gratitudejournal too, it's just bringing into
focus those things that, that you'renoticing that maybe you don't notice
(32:35):
unless you sit down and write them down.
And, I hear that in whatyou're saying too now.
It's like, okay, we're out of that, thatrut, that was almost a rut to be in.
sounds
you know, being panicked aboutwhich side of the bed you
were on and, and are we good?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:00.097]
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
(32:56):
Okay.
Are we good?
Are we good
Brenda Kradolfer [32:06.429]
Yeah, and that sounds scary, but Ihear that you're, you know, you've
moved beyond that to where you canjust, love ride the wave, right?
And, and, recognize where, whereyou do have intimacy, where you
do have connection, where, wherethere has been massive improvements.
(33:18):
You know, I love, I love just your abilityto look back at how it, how it has been
in the past and just all the work you'vedone to get to where things are now.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:16.064]
Yeah?
Brenda Kradolfer [32:35.711]
It's just really beautiful.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:36.032]
And hopefully just hearing thathelps people listening to understand
that there are there are moments inmarriage that can feel really low.
(33:40):
can feel like a real difficulttime and that there is such a thing
as coming through that jungle.
You know, especially when youyou reiterate in this in this
workshop, like think back.
on why you married this person.
And if you married someone who is agood person and you know that, and I
(34:03):
knew that all along, you know, so thisis something that I'm like, I wasn't
struggling with someone who was abusiveto me or something that, you know,
has maybe other implications involved.
But in my situation, Iknew I married a good man.
knew deep down, likeeven when I was the most
(34:25):
frustrated or thought he wasn't doingenough or thought that he wasn't
I he could do better, whatever it was.
I married a good person and I just neededto, and maybe loyalty to a fault is one
of my attributes because I was like,whatever happens, I was still in it and
willing to keep going and keep working.
(34:47):
But just in being able to take thatthrough our most hard times through it and
you know, establishing trust againand establishing that I trust you
and I respect you and I believe thatwe can get through these hard times
is kind of what brought us through.
(35:10):
I remember we
we always joke about thisbecause we heard something on
NPR that said people are married.
two or three times in a lifetime.
Like they go through two or threemarriages on average in a lifetime.
And they were saying, and thatcould be to the same person.
(35:31):
And so we both like have always rememberedthat because we looked at each other
when we heard it and said, I thinkwe're in our second marriage right now.
And then there've been momentsthat we're like, I think we've
started our third marriage.
Like this feels like a new start and
We'll be celebrating our 20thwedding anniversary this year.
(35:55):
Yeah.
And we've known each otheror been dating like 24 years.
We were very young.
We got married, I was 19.
So I don't think you can go throughthat much lifetime with a person and not
rebirth yourself as a new person whentrauma, when difficult things happen,
(36:17):
Brenda Kradolfer [01:28.412]
Congratulations!
That's incredible!
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:51.732]
And luckily in our marriage, we've beenable to have these moments where we've
rebirthed together and remarried eachother, like recommitted that this is
who we are now in this phase of life.
And we're recommitting toeach other that this is how we
want the next marriage to go.
The second marriage and this thirdmarriage to go with each other.
(36:40):
So
Brenda Kradolfer [02:10.714]
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [02:14.792]
I love it.
How do you plan to continue growingand applying what you learned?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [02:25.195]
Well, it's helpful that after the course,I still have my notebook and being able
to pull this out, which I do, and gothrough it and be like, okay, so I'm
(37:01):
not feeling super connected right now.
I feel like our intimacy could be better.
I'm to go through my notes.
I'm going to kind of re,
what's the word, reevaluate, reassesswhere I'm at and hopefully be able to
reconnect myself with these skills.
(37:22):
cause it's, it's only human to belike, well, I've been going along
for however many months or whatever.
I think some been going well, but thenI'm like, I've kind of gotten back
into patterns of control or, you know,kind of, that over, overachievement
over, overworking myself and notbeing able to relinquish control,
(37:47):
step back and to be like, I'm going tolet things happen without my control.
little bit more and let myself actually
just replenish and self -care and
Brenda Kradolfer [03:27.525]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [03:35.972]
Beautiful.
What are your hopes and goals foryour relationship moving forward?
(38:10):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:43.119]
I would like...
to be a good example of these skillsbecause I think they're not just for us.
think that the way that I had been doing,
(38:31):
working on certain skills like this beforewas, like I said, pulling him along.
Like, you gotta do this too, andyou gotta be like, and boo -da
and that would be the waythat I would have done things.
And I do still tend to do that whileI be like, you're not doing this
enough and you're not whatever.
But I find that when I'm reallyembodying these skills more for
(38:55):
myself, it's almost impossible formy spouse not to embody them also.
Like without me projecting that to himand saying, you need to do more self care.
he will automatically start to, maybe evenwithout total awareness, be doing that
(39:16):
because he sees that I'm giving myselfpermission to give myself self care.
And he sees what that does for me.
So, you there have been moments where Ifeel like I've been really pretty good
at giving myself self care, but he's
overwhelmed, overworked, and hehas like nothing left to give
(39:39):
because he's so burned out and I'm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:16.923]
That's sad.
Like, I'm so sad for you.
But it's like those turning points orthose little moments where he's like, I
need to give myself self care so that Ican be able to show up for other people
when they need me or when, yeah, whenthose moments come up so that it sort
(40:03):
of automatically when you raise yourvibrational level, everyone around you
raises without even total awareness of it.
And that is an even better way
Brenda Kradolfer [05:44.592]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:46.33]
do that than to be like, everybodyneeds to be like me and everybody
needs to do what I'm doing.
And yeah, I tell people thata lot now having been through
(40:23):
that myself in my life.
I give that when I have clientsthat come to me and are like,
well, this really helped me.
I'm going to make my boyfriend do it.
I'm going to make my husband do it.
He's going to come to you.
And I'm like, okay, but it'seven better when you work on
and then you will see the effectsof how it helps your loved
(40:44):
ones around you, eventually.
Brenda Kradolfer [06:20.26]
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it just sounds likeyou're a mirror for each other.
Like you can see what's lacking andhe can see what's lacking in his,
you know, in his life because you'regetting it in your life and vice versa.
And it's just not, sounds likea really beautiful synergy.
(41:05):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:25.081]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:38.819]
Yeah, yeah, when it's allworking the way that it should.
Brenda Kradolfer [06:42.64]
Yeah.
And I love what you mentioned.
Like we're all just humans.
We're all mortal, you know, mortalhuman beings, you know, like none of
us are going to do any of these thingsperfectly all the time, some of the
time, but just that, that growth andthat progression and seeing those
(41:27):
wins and yeah, from trying something
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:49.284]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:06.434]
Yes, yes.
And just remember when it doesn't,it doesn't feel like it's working.
Like I said, when my husband wasgetting overwhelmed and overworked and
all of that, it's not wrong or bad.
It's just a awareness.
(41:47):
It's just a moment to recognize,something's not in balance.
So when I get off kilter and I'mfeeling myself, you know, slipping
into patterns that don't serveme, then it's not wrong or bad.
And I don't need to shame myself over it.
I just need to
Wow, something's kind of off here.
It's an impetition to come back,
(42:08):
Brenda Kradolfer [07:39.812]
Yeah.
Yeah, I love that.
And I have evidences of thosethings happening too, where like
things that I never thought myhusband would be interested in,
he has asked me about like lately.
And it's things that I'm doing thatI think are a little, you know,
alternative sometimes, you know?
And he's like, he's like,Hey, tell me about that.
(42:28):
Hey, do you know, do you know,what do you know about meditation?
And I'm like, what?
Like we've never talked about this before.
And so it's just really, it's just fun.
It's fun to
I would have never guessed, it's,you like what you said, you put you,
you're getting your self care andyou're, taking care of yourself in it.
And it's sad to see someone else struggle,but it sounds like it maybe is not
(42:50):
your, you don't have to worry about it.
It's not an extra burden on you.
You get to stand and, and be kind ofa lighthouse when he's struggling.
And I'm guessing that
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:13.612]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:28.368]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:35.082]
Yeah.
Yeah, just in the same way thatwhen we're overworking and over,
(43:13):
I was going to say overachieving,but that's not really quite
the right word for it.
But when you're constantly on the go,productive is, you know, go, go, go.
You trigger in other people like, I guessI better get up and, and get stuff done.
Like, look at her going, going, going.
I don't want to be left behindor seen as lazy or like not,
(43:34):
pitching in so they start overworking.
I think that that same thing canhappen when you give yourself
permission for self care.
You can be like, you know what?
I am doing some self care activitiestonight instead of cleaning the
whole house or I'm doing this.
(43:54):
And the other person goes, we can do that.
And
Brenda Kradolfer [09:32.282]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [09:33.517]
When I do give myself self care, Iam way more available when it comes
time to helping and being productive.
So and I can do it without resentment.
Like the the cycle can be brokenand the curses can be broken
(44:16):
when we like go, you know what?
I'm going to chill.
I know that there's all thesethings that need to be done, but
I'm also putting self care as animportant priority and I'm doing it.
your spouse or your partner can givethemselves permission to do that and then
that cycle can go in the other direction.
Brenda Kradolfer [10:06.678]
Mm -hmm.
that's beautiful.
I love that.
(44:37):
Is there anything else you wouldlike to share about your experience
or, yeah, where you're headed?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [10:22.718]
I don't know.
Yeah, I think I'm good.
I shared all that I have, all mywisdom I have imparted to the masses.
(45:00):
Brenda Kradolfer [10:34.256]
Well, thank you so much.
It's been so fun to talk withyou and to hear your journey and
the things that you've done toreally own your journey and to heal
and to then, you know, extrapolateit onto your relationship.
And it's just reallybeautiful and it's been fun.
(45:22):
So thank you so much forjoining me today on the podcast.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [10:58.835]
Thank you for having me, it was a blast!
Brenda Kradolfer [11:01.433]
You're so
Brenda Kradolfer [00:01.4]
Do you want to build a resilientfoundation for your marriage
and feel cherished and deeplyunderstood by the man you married?
I'm Brenda Kradolfer, certified LauraDoyle relationship coach, and I'm here
to share with you how heartache can turninto heartwarming love and affection.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
(00:30):
No matter where you are in yourrelationship, there is hope to
rediscover the fun in your relationship.
build the closeness and getmore help in the process.
Stay tuned as we discover thetools to make relationships feel
closer and easier than ever.
And if you're already feeling prettygood about your relationship, this could
(00:50):
be the best relationship preventativemedicine you didn't know you needed.
Kradolfer [00:01.639]
I have a very special guest todaywith me, Courtney from Prism Healing.
She has been an integral part of myself -care journey and really helped me
to get in touch with things that havebeen buried under the surface that I
knew were affecting my relationship,but like didn't know at the same time.
(01:15):
Things that would come up andI couldn't figure out like
what was getting in the way.
It seemed like it was myhusband getting in the way.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [00:29.477]
You
Brenda Kradolfer [00:29.535]
But there were some other deep-seated things going on, things from
my childhood, just limiting beliefs.
And so I've worked through a lot ofthose things with Courtney's help.
And she's here with me today.
(01:36):
She took my empowered wife workshopwith me and a group of other women.
Last week we talked with Jen.
She was part of that group too.
We did it in my living room andit was just a fun bonding time.
So welcome to the podcast, Courtney.
Thanks so much for being here.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [00:59.489]
Thank you so much for having me.
Get to hang out with my friends.
Brenda Kradolfer [01:01.737]
You're welcome.
(01:56):
Yay.
Yes, I love it.
So what inspired you to enjoy it,to join the empowered wife workshop?
This was back in Jan, no December.
We did this, we didthis quite a while ago.
So if you can remember back thatfar, what inspired you to kind
of take that leap and do that
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:14.155]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:21.854]
Yeah, well, I'm always looking for otheropportunities being an energy healer or
(02:22):
emotional healer and all of the trainingand work that I've done over the years
in my own personal healing journey.
I know that there's nolike arrival at healing.
so especially because in myhealing journey, my relationship
with my husband is a big partplays a big part in my story.
So I I'm always looking foropportunities to be like, well,
(02:43):
this sounds like a really good
workshop or program or somethingthat I would benefit from.
And so when it came up, itwas like, yeah, why not?
And I'm always one that isdealing with the issue of FOMO.
So I wasn't about to let my friendssign up and all be a part of something.
And I was like, well,I'm going to do this too.
(03:03):
Like, yeah, sign me up.
Let's all do it together.
If we get to do it together.
And when you adapted it a littlebit, especially for us so that we
could all be together in person inyour living room, which I know is
a common way that you usually do it.
So I'm like, we get to hang out everyMonday for like this many weeks.
That's going to be awesome.
So yeah, all those reasons together.
(03:25):
Brenda Kradolfer [02:32.667]
I love it.
And yes, it's one of the things that I'velearned about practicing any skill, but
especially these skills, relationshipskills, is that it's more fun, it's more
supportive, it's just more helpful ifI can do it with other people who are,
you know, along on the ride with me.
And, you know, there's somebodythat relates to what I'm
(03:46):
talking about, what I'm going
So I love that you took advantageof that opportunity and that we
all got to hang out in my livingroom for a few weeks together.
It was a really good, good excuse,all in the name of improving our
relationships and healing really.
So I love that.
What were your initialhopes when you signed up?
(04:06):
Like, what were you hopingto get out of the workshop?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:08.224]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:17.347]
I think that in some ways, a lot ofmy healing journey up until that point
had brought me to understanding howcodependency played a big part in my
relationship with my husband, that it wassomething I didn't even know was a thing.
(04:29):
hadn't done a lot of like couples therapyor things like that in our long journey
together and our many ups and downsand flows of marriage and how that can
But in coming to an awareness of that,this was like hitting right where
I needed it, if that makes sense.
Like I knew that the journey that I hadbeen on so far was a lot of my work being
(04:55):
done, not necessarily like him changingor working on him or being like, well,
he needs to go to therapy with me andwe have to do these things together and
we have to work on blah, blah, blah.
And I know that in our
relationship and the way that we've comeat it, it never worked very well to be
(05:16):
like, well, we have to do this together.
You need to show up withme and do this with me.
And we've done a lot of thingstogether, but it's like, if I'm
pulling and dragging him along, it onlyreinforces our codependency patterns.
It doesn't ever really address anything.
And then I'm built withmore and more resentment,
(05:37):
I'm putting in all this work andeffort into our relationship and
into changing and into healingand into making it better.
And you're doing nothing andyou're not coming with it
with an enthusiastic attitude.
And I'm just like so frustrated.
And then so this feels like, especiallywhen I started, it was like, you're not
going to have to involve your husband.
This is just about you.
(05:59):
You get to come and do this workshopand you get to improve all of these
intimacy skills in your relationship.
Perfect.
Brenda Kradolfer [05:16.891]
Wow.
Yeah, I hear you've beenon this healing journey.
You've been on the healingjourney for yourself.
You've done a lot of work for yourself.
And then when it came to yourrelationship, was like, sounds
(06:22):
like just things that you hadtried just backfired or didn't
produce the result that you wanted.
It gave you more of this codependencypattern that you mentioned.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:40.19]
Mm -hmm.
Yep, it just reinforcedthat cycle of like, well,
(07:25):
I'm doing all this work, what about you?
And the way I always would describeit is codependency is dishonoring
yourself to honor others.
So in some of the workshop, we learnedabout how like over -functioning
and doing too much for them andshowing up, you know, when you really
would be kind of resentful of it,
Brenda Kradolfer [05:47.24]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:07.949]
Ultimately, you'd be resentful thatyou are giving so much of yourself and
your energy towards them and pickingup their pieces and dealing with that.
But it also is dishonoringthem to honor yourself.
And I was kind of falling into either oneor the other where I was like, look at
me working on myself and doing so much.
Look at me.
I'm healing and I'm raising my vibrationalfrequency and I'm doing all this work.
What about you?
How come you're
Brenda Kradolfer [06:24.329]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:34.904]
How come you're not doing it with me?
Like you're just sitting there like a bumpon a log and I'm like working so hard and
showing up and doing all these things.
And so I was just flipping theswitch and being like right on
the other side of codependency.
I was still participating in it.
It was just looking different than before.
(07:46):
you know, coming into a balance oflike when I can honor myself and honor
him and some of those intimacy skillsin the workshop are really good.
Like when you bring up respectand when you bring up like,
what does he really want?
He wants to be respected.
Well, I wasn't doing that.
Well, I was like, you know, making himfeel worse and worse and worse about
(08:11):
not showing up in the way I wantedhim to or, know, in those patterns.
Brenda Kradolfer [07:23.167]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:25.399]
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [07:26.003]
Wow, really cool!
So yeah, like I hear that the workshopwas an opportunity for you to take
your healing journey, your work onyourself, just to another level.
(08:31):
And that it sounded kind ofappealing that you didn't have
to drag your husband along.
Like this was work you could do on yourown and, and see improvements in your
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:38.403]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:50.955]
Absolutely, yeah.
And actually put into practicewhat you were teaching us to do.
(08:53):
One thing that helps me in learningnew concepts or reinforcing concepts I
already knew but wasn't maybe ready toput into practice or didn't know how,
because it is changing neural pathways.
So that can be really hard.
It can be really confusing at first.
It can be like, I want
I want what you're telling me, but how?
(09:16):
You know, like, there's an element of,in the transformation from one to the
next, where it's like, I want that,I see it, and logically it all makes
sense, but there's this confusionthat isn't able to like, take it
(09:36):
all the way, if that makes sense.
So I feel like the program and the waythat you took us through it was really
helpful because it gave like those little,I'm not sure, I don't remember what you
called them, but they're like these littlecheat phrases, little things that are
like, if you're finding yourself feelingthis way, use this one phrase or this
(09:58):
one example to help you in that moment.
I needed that.
I needed like those practicalapplications that are like, in this
moment, you can actually just do
Brenda Kradolfer [08:45.929]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [09:16.583]
Yeah, I so relate to that.
like, tell me the how.
Like I get this in theory, like thissounds good, but like, what is the how?
(10:18):
And so I hear for you, it was thecheap phrases that were helpful.
Like if you're stuck in this moment andthis is how you're feeling, this is what
you can use to navigate that and to stillfeel like you've honored yourself and
respected your husband at the same time.
What would you say was the most impactfullesson or exercise from the workshop?
(10:41):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [09:49.064]
I think when we got to skill numberthree, relinquish control was definitely
like, it was one of those thingswhere I have been slowly tapping away
(11:02):
at that part of myself for years.
Like this is nothing new where someonecomes to me and says, Courtney, you're
a little bit of a control freak.
You wanna be in control.
And I mean, part of it is recognizing why.
So some of the healing work that I dowith integrated processing technique
and the emotional processing workthat I do with clients, the years
(11:25):
of work that I've done in that realmhelps because it says, you're not
just a control freak for no reason.
I'm using air quotes forthose that can't see me.
Control freak.
Right?
Like it makes it soundlike a really bad thing.
And it really makes it seem likeyou must be some kind of monster
if you're walking around tryingto control everybody all the time.
(11:46):
Or you're one of those kind of womenwho, you you can probably use your
imagination on what kinds of badwords can be called women who are
like that and who just seem to bebossing everybody around all the time.
And I'm definitely all those things,but I'm also those things for a reason.
and going back into my past andunderstanding my journey and
(12:08):
knowing that like, there's a lotof what I've experienced in my
life that caused me to be that way.
And really she's justa scared little girl.
And when you really think of herthat way and all of you listening,
every one of you, everyone whowas like me and his like, yeah, I
tend to be called a control freak.
I tend to be overbearing that way.
(12:31):
there's a reason for it.
We're not that way for no reason.
So having compassion for ourselvesfirst, I think was a huge step.
And then when we got to that part of theworkshop, was like, yeah, here we go.
Here's another layer of thisrelinquishing control that I really need.
(12:52):
And it doesn't matter howmany times I am, it's brought
forward or I'm told like, okay.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [12:05.979]
You got to do you got to work on this.
This is got is an important part of it.
Your relationship cannot last andit cannot be what you want it to
be if you don't focus on this.
If you don't have work in this area.
(13:16):
And so, yeah, when it came up,I was like, here we go again.
All right.
Let's let's go.
And just like I, you
opened myself up to it, there weremany things that were brought up that
I was like, okay, that's new to me.
Even though I've heard this a thousandtimes in a thousand different ways, this
(13:39):
is just another new way that's bringingit forward for me so that I can be like,
okay, all right, yep, I see it, I hear it.
So having it be like, you explain thatit's really that wall keeping you from
the intimacy that you really want.
are coming across as controlling,manipulative, or you're just
(14:02):
trying to get your own way in thesituation and not able to release
and let go and let it be what it is.
Yeah,
it's kind of just that block, thatwall keeping you from the intimacy.
And I'm like, but I do want intimacy.
Maybe that's the
Brenda Kradolfer [13:27.154]
Yeah!
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [13:28.027]
Point like I've really wanted thatall along and I always thought
(14:25):
control was the way to get it orthat was like What my little little?
Inner child brain really thoughtwas the way to do it and it's
just not it wasn't working
Brenda Kradolfer [13:45.375]
Courtney, thank you forsharing so vulnerably.
I just really hear thatwall that was there.
(14:48):
And I also just hear like you came intothis workshop, like ready to do that work.
Like I just feel like youwere like, okay, show me.
Like I'm ready.
Like I know it's scary.
Like it sounds like it was scary,but you're like, okay, I wanna do it.
I wanna know what else is keepingme from what I truly want to have.
(15:10):
Was there like a moment of significantshift or breakthrough for you
with that skill or with anythingelse that we did in the workshop?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [14:23.64]
Well
You know, not to, at the risk of
like, letting all the mystery out.
But there was an assignment of doing a nocontrol date where my husband was supposed
(15:37):
to plan, I'm like, I don't think he'sever in his entire life, like planned
something for us completely without my.
Brenda Kradolfer [14:41.651]
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [14:54.783]
input or anything, mostlybecause it's just not his forte.
I mean, he's just kindof a go with whatever.
And I think he kind of likes thatI control a lot of things like when
(15:59):
we make plans and things like that,because he can just kind of like,
relax and like, let it all happen.
But but I tried to be like, Okay, sothis is something I really want to try.
You are going to plan usa date at some point I
plan when it's going to happen and youplan the entire thing and whatever it is
it is and I don't get a say in any of itlike you get to plan the entire thing.
(16:24):
So I did bring it up to him and andkind of as a challenge I guess as like
Let's see how this goes.
And it was incredibly hard for me.
It was really, really hard becauseI wanted to keep reminding him
that he hadn't planned our noplan date for however long.
(16:48):
Like it took a while.
I can't even remember when it actuallyhappened because it was so many
months later, but it was like, itwas way after the class was done.
wasn't even like, so basicallywhen I reported back in the class,
when we were in the class, was
so it hasn't happened yet.
I'm still waiting.
don't know if it's going to.
(17:09):
I was totally like, it was hard and I wasanxious to just, I don't know, take the
reins or nag or push or I don't know whatI was thinking would happen, but I was
like, it'll either happen or it won't.
But even it not happeningneeds to be let go.
(17:30):
Like I needed to belike, this isn't my deal.
Like no control.
So I wrote down like even in mynotebook here, have giving up control.
It like, it's an illusion of powerwhen you think you have control
and that it doesn't actually makeyou control anything or anyone.
(17:53):
It's just making you exhausted.
And I'm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:05.686]
I wrote that down.
I'm like, I'm putting a star next to that.
I need to remember that it's really notmaking me more in control of anything.
It's just making me exhausted.
Brenda Kradolfer [17:15.677]
Yeah, okay so wait thedate did happen eventually?
(18:15):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:22.119]
Yeah, and I'm trying to remember nowin this moment because it did happen.
I'm trying to remember what we did.
I can't even remember what the date was.
Brenda Kradolfer [17:29.311]
Cause I'm just sitting here like,I'm like, you did the assignment.
The assignment wasabout no control, right?
And I hear how hard itwas, but you did it.
You were able to just, you know, for thesake of this assignment, which is very
(18:36):
particular, just, it's a one -time thingthat we do, just as an exercise, you know?
And yeah, it's like one of those thingswhere it's like, here it is, you know?
And to be able to let it go.
And you did, you did
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:33.801]
Yeah.
Yep.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [17:58.547]
Yes, we did.
We did have the date and I'm tryingto remember exactly what happened.
I don't remember what the date was.
(18:58):
I can't remember exactly what we did.
Maybe we went to a movie,maybe we did dinner.
I can't totally remember, but Ido remember that it was awesome.
I remember how it felt.
Like I remember coming back and Iremember even telling you and maybe
some of the ladies that were inour class, I was like, we did it.
We finally did it.
And I was like, it felt so good.
(19:20):
I loved just not havingany, I felt taken care of.
I felt like, I mean, maybefor one of the first times,
but only because I allowed it.
Like I allowed that Iget to be taken care of.
I get to be driven to wherever and fedand I'm pretty sure we went and ate and
(19:44):
I was just like, we got to eat whatever.
picked out whatever restaurant wewent to and whatever he picked for.
I even said to him, I don't thinkhe knew it was the no control date
actually because he said somethingabout wanting to do something
together and I was like, okay, great.
You plan it and I'll doit whatever you want.
And then I spent the wholeevening going, whatever you want.
(20:06):
What do you think we should do?
What do you think we should order?
And I had him pick everything on themenu and everything that we ate and
I just was like, this was awesome.
I love.
everything we've done and it just feelsso good to be like the passenger princess.
Brenda Kradolfer [19:30.025]
Yeah, I hear
(20:26):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [19:31.994]
on a road trip like Passenger Princess.
Brenda Kradolfer [19:36.409]
Yeah, it sounds really nice.
It sounds glamorous.
And it does sound like it was kindof a relief that you didn't have
to make all the choices all the
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [19:45.53]
Mm -hmm.
It felt so good.
mean, because it's I am one who likelike when we took the beginning intimate
(20:49):
Intimacy test to see a score of likehow intimate is your marriage and I?
Was in the category of overworkedand underappreciated so Definitely
I was one that I Think a lotof the roadblocks I was hitting
Brenda Kradolfer [19:47.931]
Hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [20:00.852]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [20:12.931]
especially with that intimacyskill of really relinquish control.
(21:10):
I was hitting that becauseI tend to be the one who is
like, well, I'll just do it.
I'll do everything.
And then I'm the one going, why amI the one who has to do everything?
I probably have saidthat thousands of times.
It's like, I guess it'll be me again.
I'll do it
again.
And I couldn't do it without resentment.
(21:31):
Like it was something
Brenda Kradolfer [20:33.481]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [20:40.473]
I was building that within me alot because I was like, well, here
I am picking up these pieces againand here I am doing this again.
so, yeah.
It was big shift to be able to dothat no control date, I think, and
to be able to not control when ithappened or to get impatient about
(21:52):
when it was happening or not happening.
Brenda Kradolfer [21:00.479]
Yeah.
Has your perception of yourself and, and,or your role in your relationship changed?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [21:11.758]
You know, and I think it's still alwayskind of a revisiting work in progress.
(22:12):
I wouldn't say that I come to addit, you know, completely changed and
I'm like never asserting control andI'm never, I would love to say to
people that you get to a point whereyou're just like healed in all realms
and you're just a different person,but it is always a slow transition.
And it's always just a little bitof, like I said, like kind of,
(22:35):
chiseling away the layersand getting to a point.
And sometimes you don't even notice.
You think, I'm still doing thatthing that I said I wasn't going to
do, you kind of reprimand yourselffor being like, I did it again.
I fell back into thatpattern or I did that thing.
But the truth is, when I lookback over time and over the
(22:58):
years, I can see the change.
I can see the progress and I can see
what a different person I was than Iwas just a year ago or two years ago.
And the intimacy test has helpedthat because it gives you a score.
And I was like, I'm sure if I hadtaken that test way before all of my
(23:21):
work, I would have scored pretty low.
I'm only imagining.
And when we started thecourse, I was in the 50 range.
So I was in
overworked and underappreciated section.
And then we had the opportunityto do the test again at another
event that we were at and I was60 or above, something like that.
(23:46):
And I know that like I was ableto go, wow, I'm doing a lot
better than I thought I was.
Even when sometimes Ifeel like, I messed up.
I said the thing and I did the thing andI said I wasn't gonna do that anymore.
over time being able to see that like,wow, I really made a lot of progress
and I'm not the person I used to be.
(24:07):
I'm sure it was something of anightmare to live with at some
point, you go back far enough.
And now I'm not a nightmare to live with.
I'm not, you know, the person that I was.
And so I can celebrate that.
And I think we should all.
Brenda Kradolfer [23:30.323]
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm celebrating with you.
(24:27):
I think it's huge to be able to see theprogress and to also look back and see,
know, like, I messed thatup or like, I did it again.
like seeing it is part of that.
if I can't see it, I can't fix itor I can't choose a different way.
(24:48):
And so I love that
I don't always love thatpart of the process.
It's uncomfortable.
It's like, it does feelreally, it can be painful.
It can be, you know, just uncomfortable.
So I love the positive spin on it though.
It's growth, it's change,it's changing up a dance.
(25:11):
It's changing up the way you do things.
And I just hear like somuch accountability in that.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [24:09.74]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [24:27.571]
How would you describe your relationship
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [24:33.003]
I think that there are still waves of
(25:32):
kind
I don't know what you would callit, like dead spots, know, waves
of moments where I'm like, we'vejust kind of gotten into a rut.
We're not connecting like I would like.
And it's amazing when I stopped tothink about it, because I try to do a
gratitude journal at night when I goto bed and include the things that,
(25:55):
you know, happened during the day.
I have to mark my life and how I feel.
with a lot of gratitude that even indead spots when I feel like sometimes
we're just kind of going through themotions of the day and you everybody
has those moments where they're like,we literally like maybe spend five
(26:19):
minutes together today and then it'slike bedtime and we're like so exhausted
and tired and we're like, good night.
Okay, you know, love you, good night.
And we even talked about this justbeing summertime and it being hot.
Sometimes we're not as cuddly.
during those night time moments whenwe're saying good night, because
we're just like, it's so hot.
We don't even want totouch each other right now.
(26:41):
But giving ourselves grace for thoseseasons of time that are just like right
now might feel like a little bit of a rut.
But when I'm doing my gratitude journal,I realize that even in our rut, we are
so much better off than we were justyears ago during times when things were
really, really hard and things were reallydifficult and we had a lot going on.
And there was thingslike addiction that had
(27:04):
play in our relationship and thathas gotten significantly better in
recovery and the times when we hadlittle babies, I had twin babies
that we were taking care of and atoddler at one point in our marriage.
mean, things were just hard, which wasall during addiction recovery time too.
So that was just like, I often describethat in our marriage and in my life
(27:27):
as like going through a jungle.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [26:37.991]
because you are going through it paceby pace, but you don't even realize how
much you're whapped in the face until youget through the jungle and you realize
how scarred you are from everything.
You're like, I'm really scratchedup, but I didn't realize it
when I was in the jungle becauseI was just going through it.
Like I was just like one step at a time.
(27:49):
We're just getting through this.
So I like to mark those moments and go,wow, when we are on, we're really on.
Marriage is a romancenovel, best as it can get.
It's wonderful.
When we're in a rut,it's still pretty great.
(28:12):
Like we might not be in a romance noveland all over each other and all the
good things, but we are clicking so muchbetter than like ever before in our lives.
So I have to stop and say that's great.
I'll take it.
Brenda Kradolfer [27:34.239]
Wow.
Yeah.
that's really inspiring court.
(28:33):
I like, sounds like you're describing kindof a rut, but it sounds really peaceful.
It sounds like, you know, like it's slowand like you're out of the jungle, right?
And there's not any like big thingsthat are, that are in your way
and that you have this vision,you know, of like, I've seen it.
(28:55):
I've seen.
romance novel before and I hear likejust the way you describe it it just
sounds like we'll get back to therelike we're in this phase right now
we're at summer and you know like
I can really relate tothat by the way too.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [28:09.918]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [28:14.83]
Yeah, I know.
And I have to say it for people who arelistening who might feel like, we're
not quite like as physically intimateat this moment as I would like to be.
(29:18):
It's like, well, sometimesthere's just seasons for things.
Like, let's give ourselves a littlebit of grace and to be like, listen,
sometimes touching and all the thingsmight not feel super great right now.
I mean, it just giving yourselfthe grace of cycles and
understanding your own cycles.
to be like, there's gonna be times wherethat's super, super hot and heavy and
(29:42):
sometimes it's just not and that's okay.
But, you know, yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [28:53.213]
Yeah.
Yeah, it sounds like another layerof relinquishing control to me.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [29:00.569]
Yeah, yeah.
And I used to be real panickyabout stuff like that.
I used to have a lot more anxiety whereI'd be like, I know this is so silly,
(30:02):
but I used to have some kind of an issuewith the sides of the bed we slept on.
I don't know what it is.
I can't explain it.
I think it's otherworldly.
But I would wake up in the middle of thenight in a panic that we were sleeping
on the same sides of the bed all the
(30:23):
I used to think that that, and inthe daytime I didn't think this.
This is just a weird thing that Iwould wake up and like panic about.
But I used to think thatmeant we were in a rut.
That like we weren't good becausewe were so set in our ways.
We would still sleep on the same sidesof the bed every single night and had our
(30:45):
own side of the bed, which I know is liketotally just common for married people.
Like we have our side of the bed.
What's the big deal?
But I had this impression somewheredeep in my subconscious that
that meant we weren't excitingor connected or really clicking.
And I remember specifically onetime waking up in the middle of the
(31:07):
night in like an anxious panic andI pushed him over to the other side.
I made him sleep on my side andlike shoved him over and he was just
like, what is happening right now?
And
okay, whatever, and he went back tosleep and I was like, okay, back on
his side of the bed so everything'sgood, because we shuffled it around.
We did
(31:29):
a little musical chairs with oursides of the bed or whatever.
And we woke up in the morning and he waslike, why am I on your side of the bed?
But it's just interesting tothink about how we've come from
there to now and now I'm not
my gosh, we haven't like connectedon all these ways that I think are
(31:50):
important, but like we are connectingon the ways that are important.
And so just kind of re reestablishingwhat these intimacy skills are and that
when I kind of revisiting them and makingsure that like, where are we at with that
and where can I, you know, improve andthen that's what really matters, right?
(32:13):
Not like which side ofthe bed you sleep on.
Brenda Kradolfer [31:24.231]
Yeah.
And it like, sounds like, like thereis intimacy, like you're looking for
how are you, how are you connecting?
How are you intimate?
when you described your gratitudejournal too, it's just bringing into
focus those things that, that you'renoticing that maybe you don't notice
(32:35):
unless you sit down and write them down.
And, I hear that in whatyou're saying too now.
It's like, okay, we're out of that, thatrut, that was almost a rut to be in.
sounds
you know, being panicked aboutwhich side of the bed you
were on and, and are we good?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:00.097]
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
(32:56):
Okay.
Are we good?
Are we good
Brenda Kradolfer [32:06.429]
Yeah, and that sounds scary, but Ihear that you're, you know, you've
moved beyond that to where you canjust, love ride the wave, right?
And, and, recognize where, whereyou do have intimacy, where you
do have connection, where, wherethere has been massive improvements.
(33:18):
You know, I love, I love just your abilityto look back at how it, how it has been
in the past and just all the work you'vedone to get to where things are now.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:16.064]
Yeah?
Brenda Kradolfer [32:35.711]
It's just really beautiful.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [32:36.032]
And hopefully just hearing thathelps people listening to understand
that there are there are moments inmarriage that can feel really low.
(33:40):
can feel like a real difficulttime and that there is such a thing
as coming through that jungle.
You know, especially when youyou reiterate in this in this
workshop, like think back.
on why you married this person.
And if you married someone who is agood person and you know that, and I
(34:03):
knew that all along, you know, so thisis something that I'm like, I wasn't
struggling with someone who was abusiveto me or something that, you know,
has maybe other implications involved.
But in my situation, Iknew I married a good man.
knew deep down, likeeven when I was the most
(34:25):
frustrated or thought he wasn't doingenough or thought that he wasn't
I he could do better, whatever it was.
I married a good person and I just neededto, and maybe loyalty to a fault is one
of my attributes because I was like,whatever happens, I was still in it and
willing to keep going and keep working.
(34:47):
But just in being able to take thatthrough our most hard times through it and
you know, establishing trust againand establishing that I trust you
and I respect you and I believe thatwe can get through these hard times
is kind of what brought us through.
(35:10):
I remember we
we always joke about thisbecause we heard something on
NPR that said people are married.
two or three times in a lifetime.
Like they go through two or threemarriages on average in a lifetime.
And they were saying, and thatcould be to the same person.
(35:31):
And so we both like have always rememberedthat because we looked at each other
when we heard it and said, I thinkwe're in our second marriage right now.
And then there've been momentsthat we're like, I think we've
started our third marriage.
Like this feels like a new start and
We'll be celebrating our 20thwedding anniversary this year.
(35:55):
Yeah.
And we've known each otheror been dating like 24 years.
We were very young.
We got married, I was 19.
So I don't think you can go throughthat much lifetime with a person and not
rebirth yourself as a new person whentrauma, when difficult things happen,
(36:17):
Brenda Kradolfer [01:28.412]
Congratulations!
That's incredible!
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [01:51.732]
And luckily in our marriage, we've beenable to have these moments where we've
rebirthed together and remarried eachother, like recommitted that this is
who we are now in this phase of life.
And we're recommitting toeach other that this is how we
want the next marriage to go.
The second marriage and this thirdmarriage to go with each other.
(36:40):
So
Brenda Kradolfer [02:10.714]
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer [02:14.792]
I love it.
How do you plan to continue growingand applying what you learned?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [02:25.195]
Well, it's helpful that after the course,I still have my notebook and being able
to pull this out, which I do, and gothrough it and be like, okay, so I'm
(37:01):
not feeling super connected right now.
I feel like our intimacy could be better.
I'm to go through my notes.
I'm going to kind of re,
what's the word, reevaluate, reassesswhere I'm at and hopefully be able to
reconnect myself with these skills.
(37:22):
cause it's, it's only human to belike, well, I've been going along
for however many months or whatever.
I think some been going well, but thenI'm like, I've kind of gotten back
into patterns of control or, you know,kind of, that over, overachievement
over, overworking myself and notbeing able to relinquish control,
(37:47):
step back and to be like, I'm going tolet things happen without my control.
little bit more and let myself actually
just replenish and self -care and
Brenda Kradolfer [03:27.525]
Mm -hmm.
Brenda Kradolfer [03:35.972]
Beautiful.
What are your hopes and goals foryour relationship moving forward?
(38:10):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [03:43.119]
I would like...
to be a good example of these skillsbecause I think they're not just for us.
think that the way that I had been doing,
(38:31):
working on certain skills like this beforewas, like I said, pulling him along.
Like, you gotta do this too, andyou gotta be like, and boo -da
and that would be the waythat I would have done things.
And I do still tend to do that whileI be like, you're not doing this
enough and you're not whatever.
But I find that when I'm reallyembodying these skills more for
(38:55):
myself, it's almost impossible formy spouse not to embody them also.
Like without me projecting that to himand saying, you need to do more self care.
he will automatically start to, maybe evenwithout total awareness, be doing that
(39:16):
because he sees that I'm giving myselfpermission to give myself self care.
And he sees what that does for me.
So, you there have been moments where Ifeel like I've been really pretty good
at giving myself self care, but he's
overwhelmed, overworked, and hehas like nothing left to give
(39:39):
because he's so burned out and I'm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:16.923]
That's sad.
Like, I'm so sad for you.
But it's like those turning points orthose little moments where he's like, I
need to give myself self care so that Ican be able to show up for other people
when they need me or when, yeah, whenthose moments come up so that it sort
(40:03):
of automatically when you raise yourvibrational level, everyone around you
raises without even total awareness of it.
And that is an even better way
Brenda Kradolfer [05:44.592]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [05:46.33]
do that than to be like, everybodyneeds to be like me and everybody
needs to do what I'm doing.
And yeah, I tell people thata lot now having been through
(40:23):
that myself in my life.
I give that when I have clientsthat come to me and are like,
well, this really helped me.
I'm going to make my boyfriend do it.
I'm going to make my husband do it.
He's going to come to you.
And I'm like, okay, but it'seven better when you work on
and then you will see the effectsof how it helps your loved
(40:44):
ones around you, eventually.
Brenda Kradolfer [06:20.26]
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it just sounds likeyou're a mirror for each other.
Like you can see what's lacking andhe can see what's lacking in his,
you know, in his life because you'regetting it in your life and vice versa.
And it's just not, sounds likea really beautiful synergy.
(41:05):
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:25.081]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:38.819]
Yeah, yeah, when it's allworking the way that it should.
Brenda Kradolfer [06:42.64]
Yeah.
And I love what you mentioned.
Like we're all just humans.
We're all mortal, you know, mortalhuman beings, you know, like none of
us are going to do any of these thingsperfectly all the time, some of the
time, but just that, that growth andthat progression and seeing those
(41:27):
wins and yeah, from trying something
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [06:49.284]
Mm -hmm.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [07:06.434]
Yes, yes.
And just remember when it doesn't,it doesn't feel like it's working.
Like I said, when my husband wasgetting overwhelmed and overworked and
all of that, it's not wrong or bad.
It's just a awareness.
(41:47):
It's just a moment to recognize,something's not in balance.
So when I get off kilter and I'mfeeling myself, you know, slipping
into patterns that don't serveme, then it's not wrong or bad.
And I don't need to shame myself over it.
I just need to
Wow, something's kind of off here.
It's an impetition to come back,
(42:08):
Brenda Kradolfer [07:39.812]
Yeah.
Yeah, I love that.
And I have evidences of thosethings happening too, where like
things that I never thought myhusband would be interested in,
he has asked me about like lately.
And it's things that I'm doing thatI think are a little, you know,
alternative sometimes, you know?
And he's like, he's like,Hey, tell me about that.
(42:28):
Hey, do you know, do you know,what do you know about meditation?
And I'm like, what?
Like we've never talked about this before.
And so it's just really, it's just fun.
It's fun to
I would have never guessed, it's,you like what you said, you put you,
you're getting your self care andyou're, taking care of yourself in it.
And it's sad to see someone else struggle,but it sounds like it maybe is not
(42:50):
your, you don't have to worry about it.
It's not an extra burden on you.
You get to stand and, and be kind ofa lighthouse when he's struggling.
And I'm guessing that
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:13.612]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:28.368]
Mm
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [08:35.082]
Yeah.
Yeah, just in the same way thatwhen we're overworking and over,
(43:13):
I was going to say overachieving,but that's not really quite
the right word for it.
But when you're constantly on the go,productive is, you know, go, go, go.
You trigger in other people like, I guessI better get up and, and get stuff done.
Like, look at her going, going, going.
I don't want to be left behindor seen as lazy or like not,
(43:34):
pitching in so they start overworking.
I think that that same thing canhappen when you give yourself
permission for self care.
You can be like, you know what?
I am doing some self care activitiestonight instead of cleaning the
whole house or I'm doing this.
(43:54):
And the other person goes, we can do that.
And
Brenda Kradolfer [09:32.282]
Yeah.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [09:33.517]
When I do give myself self care, Iam way more available when it comes
time to helping and being productive.
So and I can do it without resentment.
Like the the cycle can be brokenand the curses can be broken
(44:16):
when we like go, you know what?
I'm going to chill.
I know that there's all thesethings that need to be done, but
I'm also putting self care as animportant priority and I'm doing it.
your spouse or your partner can givethemselves permission to do that and then
that cycle can go in the other direction.
Brenda Kradolfer [10:06.678]
Mm -hmm.
that's beautiful.
I love that.
(44:37):
Is there anything else you wouldlike to share about your experience
or, yeah, where you're headed?
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [10:22.718]
I don't know.
Yeah, I think I'm good.
I shared all that I have, all mywisdom I have imparted to the masses.
(45:00):
Brenda Kradolfer [10:34.256]
Well, thank you so much.
It's been so fun to talk withyou and to hear your journey and
the things that you've done toreally own your journey and to heal
and to then, you know, extrapolateit onto your relationship.
And it's just reallybeautiful and it's been fun.
(45:22):
So thank you so much forjoining me today on the podcast.
Ride The Wave MediaPodcast Network [10:58.835]
Thank you for having me, it was a blast!
Brenda Kradolfer [11:01.433]
You're so
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