April 11, 2025 • 12 mins
Why does being a "good enough" parent sometimes lead to rejection? This episode dives into parental alienation, narcissistic abuse, and custody challenges. Hear Carmen's heartbreaking story and learn how courts often fail targeted parents. Spot early signs of alienation, protect your truth, and stay strong through high-conflict co-parenting.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only and is not
intended to be legal or therapeutic advice.
Parents.
Why is it not enough
to be a good enough parent?
And why are good enough parents
being rejected and estranged
(00:21):
from their adult children?
Well, if you're a targeted parent of parental
alienation, chances are that the signs
of the parental alienation were there
long before the divorce start started.
If you suspect parental alienation,
narcissistic abuse or domestic abuse
(00:43):
are causing your children loyalty
conflicts and causing them to reject you,
you're probably on to something.
If you are able, pause the video and go
to our website schoolofcustody.com and sign
up for emails and you'll receive via
(01:04):
email an alienating behavior booklet.
This will be helpful
in understanding this podcast.
So what does it mean about
being a good enough parent?
It's every parent makes mistakes,
every parent wishes they'd
done things differently.
(01:24):
But if there's a parent that had normally had
a good and loving relationship with their
child or children before the divorce and did
not have some outrageous behavior such as
child abuse or neglect, and the children
still reject the parent, it may be because
(01:48):
of the divorce situation because of parental
alienation.
This just speaks to the complexity
of co parenting in a hostile situation with
a narcissistic or abusive former partner.
(02:08):
Some of the early signs of alienation
that might have occurred before you
separated would be grooming the child,
such as sleeping with the child
to encourage enmeshment, or undermining
the other parent's authority.
Standing back watching the child
(02:31):
be disrespectful, non compliant
or even physical with the other parent,
or even worse, chuckling at it when
the child is hitting the other parent.
This causes loyalty conflicts.
Maybe the other parent, the alienating
parent, was badmouthing the other
parent's background or values.
(02:54):
Or they just encourage them to be
aggressive with the other parent
or to emotionally reject them.
This is very covert and sad.
It's child abuse and it happens every day.
Let's look at Carmen's story.
(03:16):
She had three sons at the time of separation.
The oldest one was 10 years old.
There had been long term emotional
manipulation and physical aggression
by the father toward the mother
and he encouraged the three children
to do the same.
It was a us versus her alliance
(03:40):
and there were failed systems in the court.
Custody evaluator ignores red flags
Even though they were paid over $10,000,
they failed to take
forensic actions such as contacting
witnesses to the abuse and neglect.
(04:03):
The court evaluator decided to just
sweep the abuse and the violence under
the rug and ordered no rehabilitation
for the father, giving the parents 50,
50 custodial time because this is what
is preferred and this is a systematic
(04:25):
failure.
Unfortunately, the divorce industry
is a multi million billion dollar business
and not all professionals are equal.
There are lazy and corrupt evaluators that
despite being paid tens of thousands of
(04:46):
dollars, don't do the job they're supposed
to do, such as contacting collateral
witnesses and and researching the dynamics
of the family.
The courts almost have to ignore
signs of parental alienation.
They are packed.
There is not time
(05:07):
to have hearings and trials on it all.
And in addition, most families can't afford
$50,000 for each parent to have a trial
on the issues of parental alienation.
Attorneys are afraid to raise the issue
because of the backlash of bringing it up.
(05:30):
It causes such a financial strain
on a targeted parent that they have
to choose between getting legal support
or meeting their basic needs.
In addition, there's such a shortage
of forensic psychotherapists that
do custody evaluations that they
are months out in being scheduled just
(05:52):
to start, let alone complete.
And there's an even bigger shortage
of those that are competent and diligent
and really care about determining what is
going to be in the children's best interest.
Unfortunately, in Carmen's point, she had to
(06:15):
choose whether to go to child or pay rent.
She believed by just showing up and that over
time things would get better and that she
would be a good enough parent and she would
do better than her divorced parents did.
She did all the right things.
Therapy, parenting, books being present.
(06:36):
But she missed some key things.
One was understanding her child's need
versus what she needed when
her own parents got divorced.
She also underestimated the force
and the rage and the hostility
of the narcissistic abuse,
the physical abuse and the impact
(06:58):
on the children via the abuser.
So what can you learn from this?
Well, sometimes you might go through all
the steps you think you need to do a
trial, and the court still doesn't give
you any orders or support that are going
(07:18):
to lead to rehabilitation of the
situation for the best interest of your
children.
So then you have to roll up your
sleeves and say, well, what can I do?
1.
You can understand your
child's love language.
Not what you needed growing up, but what
they need and what is their point of view.
You're going to have to learn how to defend
(07:39):
your truth calmly and consistently.
So if the former.
Spouse is saying that you falsely accused
them of domestic violence
in an appropriate way, you're going to have
to defend yourself on that because otherwise
this becomes integrated into the reality.
This is what they will believe.
(08:00):
Unfortunately, Carmen gave up.
She just could not deal with the aggressions
of the former spouse or the children.
And after many years, relinquish custody.
I would never recommend doing this.
I wouldn't be able to have done it myself.
(08:22):
Even if years go by, always hold space
for reconnection for your children.
They may at some point
figure out that they were manipulated.
Also always defend your parenting time.
You don't beg.
Can I see the kids this weekend?
You tell the former spouse that you will
(08:43):
be enforcing the parenting plan and you
will be there at X time per the agreement.
Be firm and consistent, you are still
a parent and show up for your kids.
The next is to learn some helpful resources.
So one of the parenting experts
(09:04):
of today as of 2025 is Dr.
Becky Goodinside.
She has a podcast and good information
for upping your parenting skills.
I also like the work of Karen Woodle.
She's in the UK and she's got a blog
(09:24):
and some books and runs some clinics.
Fortunately she's in the uk.
It's not an American person, but look
around and see if you can find somebody
similar to her in your area.
She focuses on non litigious,
child focused ways to help parents
(09:46):
understand the projections that are
going on to the kids and to help
them in setting boundaries.
This may be your last resource, your last way
to protect your children is to find
people that can help and support you.
And the benefit is
(10:06):
this may be the healthiest way.
It's not angry, it's not litigation,
it's not draining the resources, it's
shifting the way that we help our children.
So as a call to action.
In summary, on this podcast,
subscribe to this channel.
(10:27):
You'll get notifications of future episodes.
You will also get a copy
of the Alienating Behavior Booklet.
Please read this know and understand
it, use it to document alienating
behaviors in a parenting app and.
Therapy Help Support Tips Work with
(10:51):
a divorce coach that knows and understands
the process so that they can guide you
through it so that you're not alone.
There are ways to reclaim your voice
and reconnect with your children.
I wish you all the best on this journey.
The School of Custody can give you
personalized plans and information
(11:13):
for your issue, including custody
evaluation preparation, parenting
plan, mediation, divorce coaching.
So if you want more information
on personalized programs, please visit
our website@schoolofcustody.com.
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only and is not
intended to be legal or therapeutic advice.
Parents.
Why is it not enough
to be a good enough parent?
And why are good enough parents
being rejected and estranged
(00:21):
from their adult children?
Well, if you're a targeted parent of parental
alienation, chances are that the signs
of the parental alienation were there
long before the divorce start started.
If you suspect parental alienation,
narcissistic abuse or domestic abuse
(00:43):
are causing your children loyalty
conflicts and causing them to reject you,
you're probably on to something.
If you are able, pause the video and go
to our website schoolofcustody.com and sign
up for emails and you'll receive via
(01:04):
email an alienating behavior booklet.
This will be helpful
in understanding this podcast.
So what does it mean about
being a good enough parent?
It's every parent makes mistakes,
every parent wishes they'd
done things differently.
(01:24):
But if there's a parent that had normally had
a good and loving relationship with their
child or children before the divorce and did
not have some outrageous behavior such as
child abuse or neglect, and the children
still reject the parent, it may be because
(01:48):
of the divorce situation because of parental
alienation.
This just speaks to the complexity
of co parenting in a hostile situation with
a narcissistic or abusive former partner.
(02:08):
Some of the early signs of alienation
that might have occurred before you
separated would be grooming the child,
such as sleeping with the child
to encourage enmeshment, or undermining
the other parent's authority.
Standing back watching the child
(02:31):
be disrespectful, non compliant
or even physical with the other parent,
or even worse, chuckling at it when
the child is hitting the other parent.
This causes loyalty conflicts.
Maybe the other parent, the alienating
parent, was badmouthing the other
parent's background or values.
(02:54):
Or they just encourage them to be
aggressive with the other parent
or to emotionally reject them.
This is very covert and sad.
It's child abuse and it happens every day.
Let's look at Carmen's story.
(03:16):
She had three sons at the time of separation.
The oldest one was 10 years old.
There had been long term emotional
manipulation and physical aggression
by the father toward the mother
and he encouraged the three children
to do the same.
It was a us versus her alliance
(03:40):
and there were failed systems in the court.
Custody evaluator ignores red flags
Even though they were paid over $10,000,
they failed to take
forensic actions such as contacting
witnesses to the abuse and neglect.
(04:03):
The court evaluator decided to just
sweep the abuse and the violence under
the rug and ordered no rehabilitation
for the father, giving the parents 50,
50 custodial time because this is what
is preferred and this is a systematic
(04:25):
failure.
Unfortunately, the divorce industry
is a multi million billion dollar business
and not all professionals are equal.
There are lazy and corrupt evaluators that
despite being paid tens of thousands of
(04:46):
dollars, don't do the job they're supposed
to do, such as contacting collateral
witnesses and and researching the dynamics
of the family.
The courts almost have to ignore
signs of parental alienation.
They are packed.
There is not time
(05:07):
to have hearings and trials on it all.
And in addition, most families can't afford
$50,000 for each parent to have a trial
on the issues of parental alienation.
Attorneys are afraid to raise the issue
because of the backlash of bringing it up.
(05:30):
It causes such a financial strain
on a targeted parent that they have
to choose between getting legal support
or meeting their basic needs.
In addition, there's such a shortage
of forensic psychotherapists that
do custody evaluations that they
are months out in being scheduled just
(05:52):
to start, let alone complete.
And there's an even bigger shortage
of those that are competent and diligent
and really care about determining what is
going to be in the children's best interest.
Unfortunately, in Carmen's point, she had to
(06:15):
choose whether to go to child or pay rent.
She believed by just showing up and that over
time things would get better and that she
would be a good enough parent and she would
do better than her divorced parents did.
She did all the right things.
Therapy, parenting, books being present.
(06:36):
But she missed some key things.
One was understanding her child's need
versus what she needed when
her own parents got divorced.
She also underestimated the force
and the rage and the hostility
of the narcissistic abuse,
the physical abuse and the impact
(06:58):
on the children via the abuser.
So what can you learn from this?
Well, sometimes you might go through all
the steps you think you need to do a
trial, and the court still doesn't give
you any orders or support that are going
(07:18):
to lead to rehabilitation of the
situation for the best interest of your
children.
So then you have to roll up your
sleeves and say, well, what can I do?
1.
You can understand your
child's love language.
Not what you needed growing up, but what
they need and what is their point of view.
You're going to have to learn how to defend
(07:39):
your truth calmly and consistently.
So if the former.
Spouse is saying that you falsely accused
them of domestic violence
in an appropriate way, you're going to have
to defend yourself on that because otherwise
this becomes integrated into the reality.
This is what they will believe.
(08:00):
Unfortunately, Carmen gave up.
She just could not deal with the aggressions
of the former spouse or the children.
And after many years, relinquish custody.
I would never recommend doing this.
I wouldn't be able to have done it myself.
(08:22):
Even if years go by, always hold space
for reconnection for your children.
They may at some point
figure out that they were manipulated.
Also always defend your parenting time.
You don't beg.
Can I see the kids this weekend?
You tell the former spouse that you will
(08:43):
be enforcing the parenting plan and you
will be there at X time per the agreement.
Be firm and consistent, you are still
a parent and show up for your kids.
The next is to learn some helpful resources.
So one of the parenting experts
(09:04):
of today as of 2025 is Dr.
Becky Goodinside.
She has a podcast and good information
for upping your parenting skills.
I also like the work of Karen Woodle.
She's in the UK and she's got a blog
(09:24):
and some books and runs some clinics.
Fortunately she's in the uk.
It's not an American person, but look
around and see if you can find somebody
similar to her in your area.
She focuses on non litigious,
child focused ways to help parents
(09:46):
understand the projections that are
going on to the kids and to help
them in setting boundaries.
This may be your last resource, your last way
to protect your children is to find
people that can help and support you.
And the benefit is
(10:06):
this may be the healthiest way.
It's not angry, it's not litigation,
it's not draining the resources, it's
shifting the way that we help our children.
So as a call to action.
In summary, on this podcast,
subscribe to this channel.
(10:27):
You'll get notifications of future episodes.
You will also get a copy
of the Alienating Behavior Booklet.
Please read this know and understand
it, use it to document alienating
behaviors in a parenting app and.
Therapy Help Support Tips Work with
(10:51):
a divorce coach that knows and understands
the process so that they can guide you
through it so that you're not alone.
There are ways to reclaim your voice
and reconnect with your children.
I wish you all the best on this journey.
The School of Custody can give you
personalized plans and information
(11:13):
for your issue, including custody
evaluation preparation, parenting
plan, mediation, divorce coaching.
So if you want more information
on personalized programs, please visit
our website@schoolofcustody.com.
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