May 18, 2024 • 45 mins
Continuing your craft after the loss of a loved one can be paralyzing. Nicole Clark shares her gut-wrenching journey of dealing with her child, Emberly's, untimely demise. Nicole bravely digs into her struggles and victories, demonstrating a drastic change in her view of grief, transforming it into a phenomenal source of power and creativity.
Embarking on her journey with her book "The 10-Minute Refresh for Moms", Nicole illuminates her process of channeling mourning into writing as a therapeutic method, connecting with her inner self. Despite suffering a colossal loss, she was able to establish a profound posthumous connection with her daughter, inspiring her to write her second book; a collection of heavenly dialogues with Emberly.
You can hear more about Emberly in this podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-mama-jac/id1665364702?i=1000622591543
Nicole unravels the horrifying reality of her worst fears coming to life, followed by the lifting sensation of prioritizing love over blame. She believes in creatively expressing grief as a key part of her healing journey. Through unimaginable loss, Nicole presents an insurmountable blend of vulnerability and resilience.
Her powerful message of wholeheartedly living life, expressing oneself creatively, and converting grief into personal growth serves as an uplifting message for all listeners. Accompany us on this heart-stirring episode as our special guest shares her exceptional journey of grief, transformation, eventual spiritual awakening, and essence of self-discovery.
The conversation uncovers the path to remembrance and transformation, highlighting the importance of understanding and appreciating diversity, inviting change, and uncovering inner peace. Nicole shares her struggles with leaving religion, revealing the void it may create in one's life and the ongoing battle to address it in a healthy manner.
Drawing into personal development and self-love, she establishes the importance of life, questions the concept of external validation, and illustrates how to value one's existence within life's grand design. As the episode concludes, she encapsulates the spirit of her transformation through the symbolic representation of a blue butterfly and her daughter Emberly, illuminating the path to spiritual rebirth.
Captivating listeners in her gripping narration, Nicole shares her spiritual and creative awakening sparked by the divine symbol of a blue butterfly during the pain of personal loss. She emphasizes the transformative power of grief and urges listeners in similar situations to channel their emotions into creative outlets and recognize their inherent power.
Nichole’s Info: https://linktr.ee/nicholebclark
The Success Palette info: https://www.thesuccesspalette.com
Suicide Hotline Info: https://988lifeline.org
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or Text 988 (United States)
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741741
Women Into Networking: https://wincommunity.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, hello everyone. You are listening to The Success Palette,
a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to
be successful in the arts.
I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about a subject that has been
requested by a few of my listeners and that is the subject of grief.
(00:23):
I know that some of you are struggling to continue on with your craft,
with your career, with your life, because the pain is so deep due to the loss of a loved one.
And while I personally haven't had to deal with this, fortunately,
(00:44):
I really wanted to make sure that this did get addressed.
And I think back to during the pandemic, I had just had my little baby girl,
Ember, and I was paranoid of something happening to her.
I would have these horrible dreams and intrusive thoughts of her falling.
(01:07):
And I would think about how I wouldn't have any will to live anymore,
even just imagining something happening to her.
And this was causing me a lot of stress until I heard Nicole's story, who is my guest today.
(01:28):
Now, Nicole, in your first book,
The 10-Minute Refresh for Moms, you talk about how you had a lot of nightmares
and stress about something happening to your little one, Emberly.
Can you talk a little bit about that situation and what ended up happening with her?
(01:53):
Yes. So I wrote the 10-minute refresh for moms and it published in 2019.
I wrote it while I was pregnant with Emberley. And before she was even conceived,
we have five children before her. She's our sixth.
And I had this recurring nightmare that one of my children was going to drown on my property.
(02:14):
And it was just constant, this dream that I would wake up from with night sweats,
tears pouring down my eyes. I couldn't go back to sleep.
It was so awful. I hated this dream and it happened multiple times.
And so I got to this point in my personal development journey where I knew that
this dream was probably telling me a message that maybe I could work through some fears.
(02:37):
So I did this whole thing in my book where I wrote about fear setting,
where I went through the whole thing.
What can I do to prevent this? What can I control?
What what can I not control? How can I prepare for this? If ever it did happen,
even if I did everything that I could control.
And I just went through all of this process when Emberley was like in my womb, right?
(02:57):
Because at that point we had a pool and a pond and I just was terrified.
And I, unfortunately, while I did that, I, I got to a place of peace.
I got to a place of like, yeah, I could handle that, you know,
as much, as much as you can prepare for any sort of thing.
And I didn't I got to the point where I didn't think it
would ever happen like that was just my fear
(03:20):
it was teaching me a lesson I'm okay and then
it happened and then she was you
know eight twenty months old and drowned in our backyard
pool I wasn't home and I was dropping a couple of our other daughters off at
a birthday party and my husband was here with our two older kids and well three
of our kids and Emberly and next thing I know I'm coming home dropping the kids
(03:44):
off and I see an ambulance coming down the driveway.
So this was like my worst nightmare coming true.
And up until that point, I had done everything that I could to prepare mentally,
emotionally, physically, anything in my power to prepare for that moment.
And I remember driving up the driveway and seeing the ambulance come toward me.
(04:06):
And I knew immediately, oh my goodness, it actually happened.
Like my worst nightmare came true. Like, what?
It was like that paralyzing fear, but also that...
Personal peace. I just had this deep peace rush over me and say,
I've been preparing for this moment and now I have to choose.
I remember deciding on the driveway when I was still, our driveway is a third
(04:30):
of a mile long. So it was quite a little drive.
With my heart racing, I knew instantly when I saw the ambulance that Amberlee
had drowned. I just knew it in my heart.
And I also knew that I could make a choice there.
I could do what my dream had told me and blame my husband, blame the pool,
(04:51):
get angry, ruin our marriage, get a divorce, and basically have my whole life
unfold before me and get ruined and shattered.
Or I could choose in that moment to just roll with it,
give it the necessary love and attention and acceptance that any kind of situation
needs to help us heal and just see what happened.
(05:14):
So I chose in that moment to love to
love whatever was going to happen to love my daughter with
all my heart to love my husband and my other children whatever
happened I wasn't going to place blame on anyone
and that's easier said than done you know
I made that choice in that moment but several months
down the road I'm still like reeling with guilt reeling with
(05:36):
this internal turmoil of like it's just so much easier to blame somebody else
for the pain that we're feeling But then something magical happened and Amberlee
and I had so many conversations together after she passed that all those fears
and the guilt and the shame and the feeling of,
I wish I could have done better, have been healed.
(06:00):
And there's still occasionally times when I feel that. But honestly,
it's been such a miraculous and beautiful experience.
Experience, even though it's my worst nightmare, that I can't say that I'm upset anymore.
I feel deep peace and gratitude for all that she has taught me and everything
(06:20):
that I've become as a result of it.
Now, that doesn't mean I wouldn't wish for it to have never to have happened,
because obviously, it's not something I'd wish on anyone.
And yet, I can honestly say today that but I'm grateful. I'm in a state of gratitude and deep peace.
And I know that she's here with me all the time and it feels like a blessing in disguise.
(06:43):
I love your story so much. And while it is heartbreaking,
it's also amazing to know that our loved ones, at least I believe,
are around us, even if we can't channel them the way that you've been able to.
To like, they're still around us, supporting us.
(07:04):
And I know you go into more detail about everything that happens in some other podcasts.
I'm going to link the one below that helped us get connected because you just
explained it so well there.
I'm not going to have you repeat it again, but I know that you also mentioned
(07:27):
that you You gave birth to Emberley around the same time that you launched your first book.
Yeah. And I think it was you who mentioned publishing that book was kind of
the same feel as giving birth. Yes.
No, I had two babies. I know not literally, but you know, some similar concepts.
(07:52):
What are some ways that create the creative expression of writing helped you one,
prepare you for what eventually happened and to help you heal and,
you know, move, move on and how, how important is creativity when it comes to recovery from grief?
(08:19):
Oh, man. It's funny because I never viewed myself as an author or a writer.
I actually hated writing. It wasn't something that I enjoyed doing.
I remember going to college and having to take English and they'd send back
the paper that you wrote, just put your heart and soul into it and it'd be all red marks.
And I was like, I'm never going to be a writer. And then when my dad actually
(08:41):
passed in 2017, which kind of started my whole personal development journey,
it seems like Like grief has a way of opening us up in a way that other things don't always do.
Like it wakes us up. And for me, it was my dad that was the catalyst originally to start.
To just realize that we don't always have tomorrow and that I need to make the
(09:01):
most of what I have right now.
Like any of us could go at any minute because his passing was just like that.
And so was Emberley's. And I've had this experience so many times that I know
that we need to really enjoy each and every moment and every day, right?
So I started my writing process actually when my dad died and I started healing
myself through reading and reading and learning and trying to like just really
(09:24):
go deep into my inner self, into my own feelings and thoughts about things.
And then when Emberley, when I was pregnant with her, that's when I started writing the first book.
I was like, I just know so much that I need to help all these moms out there.
I need to help them find joy and happiness because I'm so happy.
I was just thrilled with life. And for the first time in forever,
(09:47):
because I'd been a stay-at-home mom for so many years and sacrificing myself
every moment of every day for my five children and then pregnant with the sixth
while I was writing this.
And I had so much hope and joy that I was like, I'm finally going to be able
to do it right according to my ego. You know, I'll be able to like...
Show up filled up rather than so stressed out and so tired and overwhelmed and
(10:11):
exhausted because I'm burnt out because I don't know how to refill my cup.
And so I was impetuous for my first book was just like teaching moms how to
really refill their cup while they're still in the throes of motherhood,
while they're still, you know, raising children,
not waiting until someday, because that's what I always kind of was doing was
waiting until, oh, I'll wait till they all I'll graduate when they're out of
(10:33):
the house, when I'm bored in retirement, then I can figure out what I like to do.
But this was like, no, I need to do it now. And so being, being able to express
myself to share parts of my soul and the learnings that I've had,
and the experiences that I had was my first book,
like, it was so helpful to just be able to share to be able to shine while still
(10:55):
a mom with lots of young kids, and a lot going on to be able to show people
that But you can, and you actually should,
put yourself first and fill your own cup so that you can pour onto others without
feeling burnt out, without feeling overwhelmed and tired and angry,
which is my case. I was so angry all the time.
(11:16):
And it just brought my soul so much purpose and so much joy that I had to share.
And so that was my first book. And then as Emberly passed, I learned that I could channel her.
And my second book, I had never intended to write another book.
But while I was raising her, I kept having this feeling that my whole next book
(11:39):
would be about Emberly and how little kids literally teach us the joy of life
and of just being in the present moment.
They don't worry about the past. They don't worry about the future.
They're not worried about pretty much anything except for what's going on in this moment.
And she was such a teacher to me. I was finally open to learning from my kids
(12:01):
rather than just being the teacher as the mom.
And so I allowed myself to just really learn.
Observe her and be with her every moment.
And because of those constant fears, which I now know during her life,
I had so many premonitions and the dream itself was a premonition, right?
I'm not going to have a lot of time with her.
(12:22):
I get these thoughts like, put your computer down and enjoy her right now because
you never know when she's going to leave.
Or take pictures with all of the siblings. They're going to want them.
So many thoughts during her whole life.
So I knew somehow that I would be writing a book about her, but I really just
didn't believe that she would die.
(12:42):
I just thought it was intrusive thoughts, fear, whatever.
And so when she did pass and I learned that I could channel her,
it was such a healing journey.
And I didn't even think I was writing a book. I was just having conversations with her.
I was writing what was pouring out of my soul as a grieving mother.
(13:05):
And I would suggest for anyone going through grief to write without any intention of sharing with anyone.
Write from your heart and soul and just let it rip. Let it all pour out of you
without feeling like you have to micromanage it or fix it or make it perfect at that moment.
(13:25):
And that's my probably best advice for anything in life is just live in this
moment unapologetically and 100% you.
And so I did that with Emberley and the things that poured out of me and through
me from her were so healing.
And now they've helped heal so many hearts around the world that it's just been
(13:46):
such a beautiful blessing that my worst nightmare has become such a gift to so many people.
And the creative process has been so healing along that journey.
Yeah, and I know that in your second book, it's basically you having these channeled
conversations with Emberley's spirit, and she teaches you a lot about the world.
(14:12):
And, you know, it helped you kind of leave certain beliefs behind.
Can you talk a little bit about how these conversations with her changed you and helped
you kind of deconstruct certain beliefs that were not doing you any good,
that were kind of holding you back from truly recovering?
(14:35):
Oh, man, that's a loaded question because there's so much.
Let's just say I grew up and was raised a Mormon or a member of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's a very high demand religion.
I loved it and lived it with all my heart. I believed it with every fiber of
my being, I used to say, until about 37, and then I started questioning it.
(14:55):
And then about a year before Emberly was born, I had a severe throat problem
to the point where my throat chakra had closed off, and I knew I needed help. I had to get surgery.
And to make a long story short, I ended up leaving the church because I realized
that I wasn't speaking my truth, that it was no longer serving me.
(15:17):
It was no longer something that lit me up. It was actually something that was
holding me back and making me feel caged.
I think a lot of us are stuck in a comfort zone and we think it's comfortable
because we're used to it. It's normal. It's natural.
Like so many of us are living in states of perpetual stress or fear or whatever
it might be that we're just, we're just so used to it that we don't think or
(15:40):
believe that we can change that.
Or we don't even think it would be good for us.
Like we're, we're afraid of changing, but I had to for my health. And when I did.
For that whole year, I doubted it. I was so afraid.
Just lived in constant fear of like, well, what if I'm ruining my entire family for eternity?
And so many of the beliefs that I held dear were like, families are forever and now mine won't be.
(16:07):
I'm sending myself and all my children to hell, basically. The Mormon version
of hell is basically not being able to live with God forever.
And that was terrifying. And then when Amberlee passed and I was able to start
asking her every question about all of that,
and not only did I just deconstruct Christianity with her, but I also talked
(16:27):
about parenting and politics and just life in general and life after life.
And she just really held my hand and basically explained to me that there's no wrong way.
You can stay in the church if that makes you happy, but it's clearly not anymore.
More. You see things from a totally different perspective, and that's okay too.
You see it from a more open perspective and unconditional perspective,
(16:51):
which is where she is now.
She explains that where she is is called all that is, and that's why part of
the title is Remember All That Is.
But all that is to us is God. We are God. We are source, and we are all created under this.
Equally basically, but we choose what
happens to us in this life and the challenges and things that we have.
(17:13):
So as she was answering these questions, my heart was like, oh,
I'm terrified that these are the answers because they're so different than the
things I was told were the only right way my whole life. And this is so scary.
And yet she held my hand through the whole process. And And there were several
times I had to stop writing for a day or two and just, you know, let it soak in.
(17:39):
And then I'm here three and a half years out from when she died.
And I'm still like trying to embody a lot of the messages that she gave me and
a lot of the transformation.
Because you can know something, but still not do it or not embody it.
It's so easy to like, yeah, that's great. I understand that. that, and I can't do it.
(18:02):
It's like, you know, I know that I'm supposed to eat right and exercise,
but sometimes I just don't want to.
And her way of explaining life and, you know, why we're here and what we're
doing and all that kind of stuff.
And also leaving religion was terrifying to me, but also it brought such deep
inner peace and like just a resolve of like, I can't do it wrong.
(18:27):
I'm not going to hell. I'm going to be with her forever, no matter what I do.
And my children are safe in that way as well.
And it was such a relief to my soul, such a relief to my human ego,
I should say. My soul was fine.
But reconnecting with that part of that inner knowing that all that is-ness,
I guess, that each of us has was a huge relief to me and to so many people who read the book.
(18:54):
I hope that answers the question. That's exactly where I was hoping that you
would go with this, because my next question was about how, you know,
you leaving your religion, I mean,
for me, I also left Mormonism recently.
And while, you know, it's not anything close to the same as grieving a loved
(19:20):
one, it still can have this void in your life.
And I know for me, it's been really, really difficult journey to find a way to fill that void.
And I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on how you were able to fill your void,
(19:41):
both with, you know, leaving this amazing community that you had your your whole belief system. stem.
And, you know, with your child, how you are able to fill yourself up without the.
Doing it in a toxic way? Yes, that's a great question because so many of us
(20:04):
are resistant to feeling our feelings.
We just want to numb from them. We want to hide from them. We want to escape
and we feel like the void is only going to be filled by something out there, someone out there.
But what I learned is that, and you can see this by any kind of research,
seeing anyone who succeeds and finally gets to their goal, it's always,
(20:25):
it's like that carrot on the stick, right?
It's always going to be something else. You always need more.
And I hate the phrase that we get so much in just movies about love,
like, you complete me. And that's not true.
No other human being can complete us. No one else can love us enough until we love ourselves first.
(20:47):
And that's the main message, I think, from Emberly and from our book in general,
is to remember who you are.
Because, Because like I just said, all that is for us represents God.
And God is all that is. Every single human, every single thing of life,
every single thing you see anywhere in any time, space, anywhere.
(21:09):
And when you realize that we're part of all of that, and you overcome this need
as a human being to fill a void, you recognize that you are everything and there is nothing missing.
There's nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing that needs to be fixed. There's nothing you need to heal from.
And healing is really just a matter of perspective.
(21:31):
And she gave me an acronym after we wrote the book that I love to share for HEAL.
To heal, it's a human emotion accepted with love or a human experience accepted with love.
To love everything that happens, even though it's horrible, even though it hurts
and we don't want to feel it.
(21:52):
If we allow ourselves to really just tap into that moment, be present,
and just, Emberley says, ask, how is this helping me or what is this doing?
How is this serving me in any way to become more aware of who I really am?
And when you can look at life and everything that comes through you or to you
(22:12):
in your life, you can say,
this is here to help me heal a perspective of my limited self,
to help Help me see things from a view that I am already whole.
I am already perfect. I am already complete.
I am already healed when I really tap into that all that is-ness,
when I remember all that is, when I remember my true identity.
(22:32):
And then nothing can harm you. Nothing can hurt you.
You don't have to be afraid of anything ever else again because the void within
is filled by loving who you are, by allowing who you are.
By having so much unconditional love and acceptance for who you came here to be and for your.
(22:55):
Diversity for the difference that you bring because every
single one of us it's so amazing that there's like eight billion
people and every single one of us has a unique fingerprint a
unique thing that we bring to this life and when
we tap into that when we allow ourselves to be us rather than comparing ourselves
to somebody else feeling like we're not good enough like they have something
(23:17):
that we don't have like they somehow know better or do better or look better
or have more when we can stop that and say,
I am okay just the way I am.
And when I can shine by just being me and not having to change that or fix it
or do anything differently, then the suffering disappears.
(23:39):
The feeling of not enoughness disappears because we realize that no matter where
I go, I have me, I have my own back and I fulfill that void. I am the void.
When we become the void and love the void and
accept it and realize that we are it it
disappears and we feel full and
(24:00):
whole and unsatisfied and complete and perfect yeah i love that so much and
have you seen frozen too yes oh my goodness that it reminds me of at the end
where elsa realizes that she was the one that she was looking for.
I love this concept that we could be our own hero, that we can save us from,
(24:25):
you know, this dark feeling.
And then speaking of shining, on your book cover, you have Emberly running into
this cosmic void, and she is just glowing and shining.
And you see this beautiful blue butterfly.
I'd love to hear more about how you decided to go with this gorgeous cover that,
(24:54):
I mean, I just, I see it and I get the feels.
So I had to get the hard, the hard copy of this.
And what made you decide to go this route?
I know you touched a little on the name, which I know you might have some more
information on, but I'd love to hear about,
the the colors the the butterfly what
(25:14):
does the butterfly represent and yeah oh
my goodness i love this question thanks for asking nobody's ever asked me that
there's such a good story behind this that i'm actually getting teary-eyed remembering
it because i hadn't thought about this process for a while but i i've told the
story in other podcasts of the title and i'll
(25:35):
that really quick but the covers is just as special so when I was grieving like
deep in the throes of grief several months after she had passed I started art
I started creating painting and doing resin art and playing with crystals and
one day I was out in my studio.
Playing, doing, doing my thing. Cause that really helped me connect to her and
(25:59):
really helped me feel her.
And it was a way of creating pearls from my pain.
And I was sitting there listening to some YouTuber and he talked about going
into a darkness retreat.
And his name was Kyle Cease. He's become one of my favorite speakers,
but I was like, what's a darkness retreat.
But my soul was like, listen, listen, pay attention to this.
(26:19):
Cause you want to do that.
And I knew instantly that that That was my next step was going to a darkness retreat.
At this point, I think we had already written pretty much the whole book.
We just had no idea what to name it.
And I was too scared to share it. I was like, not ready.
I don't think I want the world to see my grief.
I don't think I want them to call me loony or crazy or woo woo because I'm channeling
(26:42):
a book with my daughter and all that. I wasn't ready.
So this was about six months later. I signed up.
They had a waiting list and I was able to go. and the only place I could find
it in the entire country happened to be an hour away from where I grew up in
my childhood home. What are the odds of that?
(27:03):
It was in Ashland, Oregon. And so I went there, stayed there for 10 days in
this dark man-made cave by myself.
There was no light, no sound, no other human.
And it was just me, myself, and all the thoughts, all the feelings,
and all the fears and everything came up.
And I went there specifically to.
(27:26):
Kind of get proof that my book was real, that it wasn't like this made-up thing,
because a lot of people will tell you, you're just making this up,
you're doing this to try to feel better.
And so I was doubting it. I had fears that it was just made up,
even though I knew deep down I couldn't even have written that for the life
of me without her help or divine help.
(27:48):
And during that time, I would think it had been about day five,
I finally got a beautiful
divine download is what I call it from her, where I had talked before I went
to the Darkness Retreat, I had talked to my editor about what we could name the book.
We had no idea what to name it. She had mentioned, why don't we call it Returning
(28:10):
to All That Is. It's a return to all that is because that's what Emberley did.
And that's what you did in the process. You talked about my transformation.
If you read the beginning of the book all the way to the end,
you see how how much I changed just in that process of writing.
And so I was like, okay, that's a pretty good working title.
I really do want to use all that is because that's such a main message.
(28:33):
And then when I'm in the dark room, I had this, just this download of mom.
Returning to all that is, is pretty good, but it's not exactly how it works.
You can't return to all that is because you are now, you always have been,
and you always will be an integral and necessary part of the wholeness of all that is.
So name the book, remember all that is, and then highlight the ember.
(28:57):
And it was just like this beautiful moment, like her name is Emberley.
We named her that because we knew that an ember, for some reason,
we knew that an ember was like a piece of a fire that had been separated and,
could be brought back to life with a simple burst of air, with some tension,
(29:18):
some love, and it could create its own fire.
And that's literally the imagery that she gave me of when we remember who we
are, when we remember all that is, we come back to life.
We're here on this earth feeling separate, feeling the illusion of separateness, like we're not one.
And then when we remember that, we come back to life.
(29:38):
That fullness ignites within us and we come back to a roaring fire rather than
just this little tiny flame that could be brought back to life.
So that was a beautiful experience in the dark room.
Fast forward several months from there, I had finally started the process of
getting the book published, finding an editor.
(29:58):
Well, I already had the editor, I should say, finding a cover. So I go to this place.
What's it called? It's been a while. I think it's called 99 Designs.
And you put on there basically the the things that you want as an idea for a
cover. I knew I wanted ember highlighted.
And at that point, I wanted it to look like fire because fire is what the message she was giving me.
(30:23):
So I was telling the designers, like basically you put it out there and a whole
bunch of designers give you feedback or give you like their ideas of designs.
They show you designs that they could go with and you have to choose one within
a certain amount of time and go with one.
And then they can tweak it or whatever. So I got all these different designs
(30:44):
back from the original prompt that I had given them.
And they all looked like hell, like fire, like literally like flames of fire and hell.
And I was just like, this is not the vibe I was going for it.
And I was, I was like kind of terrified. And I remember the,
I was actually painting again. This always happens when I'm in my flow.
(31:06):
That's the beautiful being creative, the beautiful part of just being able to
receive divine information when you're just letting go and going with the flow.
Anyway, I was painting and I was listening to Gabrielle Bernstein's new book.
I can't remember what it was.
And I'll rewind here. I had been invited to go to a women's retreat where I
(31:33):
would meet Gabby Bernstein in person.
And I knew that it was because I was supposed to give her our book.
And I was just really excited about that. And I'm listening to it. I'm painting.
And in the very intro of her book, she dedicates it to her son who had died
in the womb, like she had a miscarriage, and who always appeared to her as a blue butterfly.
(31:57):
Butterfly and I got goosebumps from my head to my toe.
So I was like, oh my goodness, that's what Emberly appears to me as.
I had never seen this particular butterfly in my life until after she died.
And then it appeared in our backyard and our property all the time.
So I knew that I had to include this blue butterfly.
And then when I heard Gabby say that, it was just like head to toe confirmation
(32:22):
like, oh, I'm doing this the wrong color scheme.
I need to go blue and white and black because this butterfly is amazing.
Literally the front of the wings when you're looking at it is black with blue
highlights and accents.
It's the same one that you see on the cover of my book. But when its wings come
(32:45):
up and you can see the underneath side, it looks like fire.
It literally has black with orange spots. And I was like, what is this?
Like, it was just like, oh, this is amazing.
It's just such a beautiful sign. It's exactly who she is. So I knew that had to be on the book cover.
(33:06):
And then once I changed it to the blue and the black and the white theme, it all came together.
And I knew that Emberly had to be on the cover. and she just gave me so many
things to confirm that and to lead me to the right person that it all came together
and I just think it's just a magical cover the whole experience has been so
magical and I'm just so grateful to share so thank you for letting me share that story,
(33:30):
well I mean I was really excited to hear more about that story because I know
for me I was mentioning earlier how I had this terrible fear of something happening to my little one and,
you know, to the point that I was having these issues.
(33:51):
This severe anxiety over it. And then I, when she was like one and a half,
I think, I went to get a tattoo.
And I just had this vision in my head of a blue butterfly.
And now I have a blue butterfly on my tattoo.
And it just looking at it for some reason, like brought me a lot of peace.
(34:15):
So I'm wondering if there's just some like universal thing of a blue butterfly
representing maybe children who passed on early or bringing peace to us if we are worried about that.
I have this beautiful story where when I was preparing to go meet Gabby Bernstein,
(34:39):
I knew that I had to bring her a book and I knew that I had to bring a couple
more of the copies because there was at least one more,
if not two more people that I had to go meet and that I had to give the book to.
And I didn't know why or where, but I just I follow those promptings when they
come and I just do them. So I had been invited to set up like a little thing
with my art and my book at this little like vendors kind of thing after the retreat.
(35:04):
And while I was there, I was setting up and a woman was setting up next to me
and I knew that I was supposed to give her one of the books.
I had heard her. She had been one of the speakers at the retreat and something
about it was just like, I don't know why, but I'm supposed to give her a book.
And then also there was a tarot card reader right next to us in a different table.
(35:25):
And I was like, oh, that's fun. I want to go get my tarot ready.
So she picks it up and she's flipping over these cards and two of them had a
blue butterfly in them. Like, what?
I've never seen this deck before, but it was just like, okay,
this is just crazy how much this is coming up.
And then when I met the woman who I knew I was supposed to give the book to,
(35:47):
she started crying her eyes out when I showed her the cover.
And she said, you've got to be be kidding me. I got to show you this.
She starts unzipping her shirt all the way down to the back of her back where
she had a tattoo of a blue butterfly.
So you're not the only one, Soda, who has apparently had this same symbol.
(36:09):
And when you said it must be some kind of sign, I really think it is of people
who are spiritual awakening or ready for rebirth.
And that's one of the beautiful messages that Emberly gives me in our book is
like, we are all constantly transforming all the time.
We're never just static beings. We like transforming.
We like change, even though as humans, we resist it. As souls,
(36:32):
we love it. We love change. We love challenges.
And we love to basically go through what she calls metamorphosis.
And so many of us, we're in this caterpillar stage. We're perfectly fine. We're just living life.
And then all of a sudden, we're in a cocoon and we feel stuck.
We feel gross. We want out.
We're just like, I don't like this. I don't know what's happening.
(36:53):
I'm all messy and ooey and gooey and whatever.
And a lot of times when we're in that messy middle, we want to fix it. We want to change it.
We want to get out or just pretend like we're not there.
And as humans, sometimes she taught me that if we were to open a butterfly in
that cocoon stage, we would actually kill it.
(37:14):
We're doing it a huge disservice because it would never form the strength necessary to fly.
Their wings would basically, they have to learn how to push and push and push
against, or maybe even with, lean into the pain, lean into the pressure and grow that way.
And then when you can, or when you get free from that, you can fly free.
(37:36):
And that's what gives you the strength to fly. And so many of us as humans.
We fear flying. We fear change. We fear the messy middle.
We want to change it. But she said, embrace it, love it, and allow it to be
without needing to fix it or heal it in any way, because it's creating something
that's absolutely beautiful that you just can't see yet.
(37:59):
So hold on, patience, you know, hold on to that, that hope and that promise that flying.
And I, cause I asked her, is flying really worth all that? Like,
I'm not, I don't want to fly if this is what I have to go through.
And she's like, yes, it's worth it, mom. It's worth it.
And I can tell you now in hindsight, after I've written the book that yes, it has been worth it.
(38:20):
Even though I hate grief, I can't say I'm a fan.
I also am so grateful for it because I think it's kind of like a rubber band.
The more you're stretched in different directions, the more capable you are
of holding bigger and bigger things.
Obviously with a rubber band, it's a gets stronger and stronger,
(38:42):
the more contrast we experience.
And that's one of the main lessons that I learned over and over in the book
is through pain, we as souls actually experience more pleasure.
And I also learned when she died that we can hold pain and pleasure at the same
time, that we can have gratitude and grief at the same time.
(39:02):
And it just makes us these ginormous beings.
And I think that that's a good picture of what all that is really is.
It's all-encompassing. It encompasses the good, the bad, the ugly.
And as souls, all of those things are neutral. They're not good or bad.
We don't judge them as good or bad. We just judge them as.
They just are. And it's as humans
(39:22):
that we judge them as bad and we want to resist them and not feel them.
But as a soul, we really love the contrast.
We really love the things that bring us to really low lows. And just like with
a roller coaster ride, she gives this analogy in the book as well.
A low low just gives you more and more momentum for when you're going high and
(39:43):
it makes your highs higher and makes it more fun to live.
So I hope that's a good answer.
That message was perfect. And I know that I needed to hear a lot of what you
just said, especially what you were saying about, is it worth it?
Because sometimes we're not sure if it's worth it.
(40:06):
I've had a few people tell me that they gave up on their book or their art or
whatever it is, because it was too painful.
It reminded them of that person that they lost that maybe was their inspiration originally to create.
(40:27):
And this actually leads me to the last question I I wanted to ask you,
which is, what would you tell someone who thinks that maybe it's not worth it
for them to keep going in their in their creative journey that maybe for other people,
(40:47):
it works to, to move on, but for them, they're, they're in a different situation. They're.
Their wound is too deep to ever find joy again.
How can they rekindle that love for creating that they once had?
(41:08):
So many of us, when we get reminded of our loved one who passed,
say that you're a painter and that just reminds you of your mom or whatever
it might be, and now she's not here and you're just grieving.
I want you to lean into that pain and paint
with her paint for her allow her to
be there with you in that experience rather than it be a bad thing that it reminds
(41:33):
you of her have it be a good thing have it be something in your mind that says
this is this is what connects me with her and helps me remember her and helps
me celebrate her life and the and the person that she was and what she meant to me.
Like when I started art, I had never been an artist before either.
And I had never even taken a painting class or any kind of art class or whatsoever.
(41:55):
And then when Emberley died, I saw an ad to do geode art.
And I just, it called to me and I followed that calling because Emberley told
me to. She said, follow the fun.
You don't have to get anything done.
And when you follow your bliss, when you focus on the things that light you up,
that bring you the most joy, joy that's when you can actually connect
(42:16):
with your loved ones and notice the signs you can
hear them more you can feel them more because you're living
in such a way that they want you to live they don't want
you to grieve forever sure they're okay with
they like seeing you cry because they know that that shows you that they love
that you love them and they want you to live a life of joy and love and to know
(42:37):
that they're okay and to feel peace because when you create from a place of
just unconditional love and release the judgment.
Don't say that I have to create this to make it perfect or beautiful or to share it with anyone.
Do it for you. Love yourself enough that you can heal from within by expressing what you're feeling.
(42:59):
I would argue that many of the greatest songs of all time or the greatest art
pieces of all time or things that we have created of all time have been created from lowest of lows,
from the people who are experiencing deep heartache and a break.
And from people that have been rejected or people who have felt so much pain
(43:20):
and loneliness and sorrow that they just had to express it, whether it's through
color, whether it's through lyrics, whether it's through poetry,
whether it's through the clothes that you wear, all of those things can act
as such beautiful catalysts to your biggest inspiration.
And you're not an exception to that. You can create something that is just as
(43:43):
unique and beautiful and powerful as anyone else.
There's no discrimination where it comes to divine inspiration and becoming one with all that is.
Remembering your own power and sticking in your own lane and not trying to be
like somebody else, but just creating from your heart and soul,
especially when you are grieving,
when you're feeling all of those awful feelings, will set you free and allow
(44:07):
you to become unstuck and feel actually really grateful that you had those experiences
because now you have this beautiful pearl to show from your pain.
And if you don't know anything about how pearls are created,
it's when an oyster gets a piece of stand stuck inside of them and it hurts.
It doesn't feel good. And they move and they move and they move so much that
(44:29):
it creates a beautiful masterpiece.
So, Amberlee likes to tell me that we are all masterpieces and works in progress at the same time.
And that's how art is. That's It's how creation is. We are all perfect just the way we are.
And we love to create and make better things all the time.
Thank you so much for sharing all of that, sharing your story, sharing your wisdom.
(44:55):
I know that a lot of people needed to hear what you have to say.
And thank you to everyone who tuned in this week.
With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I have been focusing on the mental
health aspects of being successful as a creative entrepreneur,
(45:18):
a professional artist, whatever your goal is.
If there is a specific topic that you would like to be covered in this podcast,
whether mental health related or something else related to being successful,
feel free to message Message me on Instagram at thesuccesspalette or email me
(45:41):
at thesuccesspalette at gmail.com.
Thank you and let's have a wonderful, successful week this week.
Hello, hello everyone. You are listening to The Success Palette,
a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to
be successful in the arts.
I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about a subject that has been
requested by a few of my listeners and that is the subject of grief.
(00:23):
I know that some of you are struggling to continue on with your craft,
with your career, with your life, because the pain is so deep due to the loss of a loved one.
And while I personally haven't had to deal with this, fortunately,
(00:44):
I really wanted to make sure that this did get addressed.
And I think back to during the pandemic, I had just had my little baby girl,
Ember, and I was paranoid of something happening to her.
I would have these horrible dreams and intrusive thoughts of her falling.
(01:07):
And I would think about how I wouldn't have any will to live anymore,
even just imagining something happening to her.
And this was causing me a lot of stress until I heard Nicole's story, who is my guest today.
(01:28):
Now, Nicole, in your first book,
The 10-Minute Refresh for Moms, you talk about how you had a lot of nightmares
and stress about something happening to your little one, Emberly.
Can you talk a little bit about that situation and what ended up happening with her?
(01:53):
Yes. So I wrote the 10-minute refresh for moms and it published in 2019.
I wrote it while I was pregnant with Emberley. And before she was even conceived,
we have five children before her. She's our sixth.
And I had this recurring nightmare that one of my children was going to drown on my property.
(02:14):
And it was just constant, this dream that I would wake up from with night sweats,
tears pouring down my eyes. I couldn't go back to sleep.
It was so awful. I hated this dream and it happened multiple times.
And so I got to this point in my personal development journey where I knew that
this dream was probably telling me a message that maybe I could work through some fears.
(02:37):
So I did this whole thing in my book where I wrote about fear setting,
where I went through the whole thing.
What can I do to prevent this? What can I control?
What what can I not control? How can I prepare for this? If ever it did happen,
even if I did everything that I could control.
And I just went through all of this process when Emberley was like in my womb, right?
(02:57):
Because at that point we had a pool and a pond and I just was terrified.
And I, unfortunately, while I did that, I, I got to a place of peace.
I got to a place of like, yeah, I could handle that, you know,
as much, as much as you can prepare for any sort of thing.
And I didn't I got to the point where I didn't think it
would ever happen like that was just my fear
(03:20):
it was teaching me a lesson I'm okay and then
it happened and then she was you
know eight twenty months old and drowned in our backyard
pool I wasn't home and I was dropping a couple of our other daughters off at
a birthday party and my husband was here with our two older kids and well three
of our kids and Emberly and next thing I know I'm coming home dropping the kids
(03:44):
off and I see an ambulance coming down the driveway.
So this was like my worst nightmare coming true.
And up until that point, I had done everything that I could to prepare mentally,
emotionally, physically, anything in my power to prepare for that moment.
And I remember driving up the driveway and seeing the ambulance come toward me.
(04:06):
And I knew immediately, oh my goodness, it actually happened.
Like my worst nightmare came true. Like, what?
It was like that paralyzing fear, but also that...
Personal peace. I just had this deep peace rush over me and say,
I've been preparing for this moment and now I have to choose.
I remember deciding on the driveway when I was still, our driveway is a third
(04:30):
of a mile long. So it was quite a little drive.
With my heart racing, I knew instantly when I saw the ambulance that Amberlee
had drowned. I just knew it in my heart.
And I also knew that I could make a choice there.
I could do what my dream had told me and blame my husband, blame the pool,
(04:51):
get angry, ruin our marriage, get a divorce, and basically have my whole life
unfold before me and get ruined and shattered.
Or I could choose in that moment to just roll with it,
give it the necessary love and attention and acceptance that any kind of situation
needs to help us heal and just see what happened.
(05:14):
So I chose in that moment to love to
love whatever was going to happen to love my daughter with
all my heart to love my husband and my other children whatever
happened I wasn't going to place blame on anyone
and that's easier said than done you know
I made that choice in that moment but several months
down the road I'm still like reeling with guilt reeling with
(05:36):
this internal turmoil of like it's just so much easier to blame somebody else
for the pain that we're feeling But then something magical happened and Amberlee
and I had so many conversations together after she passed that all those fears
and the guilt and the shame and the feeling of,
I wish I could have done better, have been healed.
(06:00):
And there's still occasionally times when I feel that. But honestly,
it's been such a miraculous and beautiful experience.
Experience, even though it's my worst nightmare, that I can't say that I'm upset anymore.
I feel deep peace and gratitude for all that she has taught me and everything
(06:20):
that I've become as a result of it.
Now, that doesn't mean I wouldn't wish for it to have never to have happened,
because obviously, it's not something I'd wish on anyone.
And yet, I can honestly say today that but I'm grateful. I'm in a state of gratitude and deep peace.
And I know that she's here with me all the time and it feels like a blessing in disguise.
(06:43):
I love your story so much. And while it is heartbreaking,
it's also amazing to know that our loved ones, at least I believe,
are around us, even if we can't channel them the way that you've been able to.
To like, they're still around us, supporting us.
(07:04):
And I know you go into more detail about everything that happens in some other podcasts.
I'm going to link the one below that helped us get connected because you just
explained it so well there.
I'm not going to have you repeat it again, but I know that you also mentioned
(07:27):
that you You gave birth to Emberley around the same time that you launched your first book.
Yeah. And I think it was you who mentioned publishing that book was kind of
the same feel as giving birth. Yes.
No, I had two babies. I know not literally, but you know, some similar concepts.
(07:52):
What are some ways that create the creative expression of writing helped you one,
prepare you for what eventually happened and to help you heal and,
you know, move, move on and how, how important is creativity when it comes to recovery from grief?
(08:19):
Oh, man. It's funny because I never viewed myself as an author or a writer.
I actually hated writing. It wasn't something that I enjoyed doing.
I remember going to college and having to take English and they'd send back
the paper that you wrote, just put your heart and soul into it and it'd be all red marks.
And I was like, I'm never going to be a writer. And then when my dad actually
(08:41):
passed in 2017, which kind of started my whole personal development journey,
it seems like Like grief has a way of opening us up in a way that other things don't always do.
Like it wakes us up. And for me, it was my dad that was the catalyst originally to start.
To just realize that we don't always have tomorrow and that I need to make the
(09:01):
most of what I have right now.
Like any of us could go at any minute because his passing was just like that.
And so was Emberley's. And I've had this experience so many times that I know
that we need to really enjoy each and every moment and every day, right?
So I started my writing process actually when my dad died and I started healing
myself through reading and reading and learning and trying to like just really
(09:24):
go deep into my inner self, into my own feelings and thoughts about things.
And then when Emberley, when I was pregnant with her, that's when I started writing the first book.
I was like, I just know so much that I need to help all these moms out there.
I need to help them find joy and happiness because I'm so happy.
I was just thrilled with life. And for the first time in forever,
(09:47):
because I'd been a stay-at-home mom for so many years and sacrificing myself
every moment of every day for my five children and then pregnant with the sixth
while I was writing this.
And I had so much hope and joy that I was like, I'm finally going to be able
to do it right according to my ego. You know, I'll be able to like...
Show up filled up rather than so stressed out and so tired and overwhelmed and
(10:11):
exhausted because I'm burnt out because I don't know how to refill my cup.
And so I was impetuous for my first book was just like teaching moms how to
really refill their cup while they're still in the throes of motherhood,
while they're still, you know, raising children,
not waiting until someday, because that's what I always kind of was doing was
waiting until, oh, I'll wait till they all I'll graduate when they're out of
(10:33):
the house, when I'm bored in retirement, then I can figure out what I like to do.
But this was like, no, I need to do it now. And so being, being able to express
myself to share parts of my soul and the learnings that I've had,
and the experiences that I had was my first book,
like, it was so helpful to just be able to share to be able to shine while still
(10:55):
a mom with lots of young kids, and a lot going on to be able to show people
that But you can, and you actually should,
put yourself first and fill your own cup so that you can pour onto others without
feeling burnt out, without feeling overwhelmed and tired and angry,
which is my case. I was so angry all the time.
(11:16):
And it just brought my soul so much purpose and so much joy that I had to share.
And so that was my first book. And then as Emberly passed, I learned that I could channel her.
And my second book, I had never intended to write another book.
But while I was raising her, I kept having this feeling that my whole next book
(11:39):
would be about Emberly and how little kids literally teach us the joy of life
and of just being in the present moment.
They don't worry about the past. They don't worry about the future.
They're not worried about pretty much anything except for what's going on in this moment.
And she was such a teacher to me. I was finally open to learning from my kids
(12:01):
rather than just being the teacher as the mom.
And so I allowed myself to just really learn.
Observe her and be with her every moment.
And because of those constant fears, which I now know during her life,
I had so many premonitions and the dream itself was a premonition, right?
I'm not going to have a lot of time with her.
(12:22):
I get these thoughts like, put your computer down and enjoy her right now because
you never know when she's going to leave.
Or take pictures with all of the siblings. They're going to want them.
So many thoughts during her whole life.
So I knew somehow that I would be writing a book about her, but I really just
didn't believe that she would die.
(12:42):
I just thought it was intrusive thoughts, fear, whatever.
And so when she did pass and I learned that I could channel her,
it was such a healing journey.
And I didn't even think I was writing a book. I was just having conversations with her.
I was writing what was pouring out of my soul as a grieving mother.
(13:05):
And I would suggest for anyone going through grief to write without any intention of sharing with anyone.
Write from your heart and soul and just let it rip. Let it all pour out of you
without feeling like you have to micromanage it or fix it or make it perfect at that moment.
(13:25):
And that's my probably best advice for anything in life is just live in this
moment unapologetically and 100% you.
And so I did that with Emberley and the things that poured out of me and through
me from her were so healing.
And now they've helped heal so many hearts around the world that it's just been
(13:46):
such a beautiful blessing that my worst nightmare has become such a gift to so many people.
And the creative process has been so healing along that journey.
Yeah, and I know that in your second book, it's basically you having these channeled
conversations with Emberley's spirit, and she teaches you a lot about the world.
(14:12):
And, you know, it helped you kind of leave certain beliefs behind.
Can you talk a little bit about how these conversations with her changed you and helped
you kind of deconstruct certain beliefs that were not doing you any good,
that were kind of holding you back from truly recovering?
(14:35):
Oh, man, that's a loaded question because there's so much.
Let's just say I grew up and was raised a Mormon or a member of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's a very high demand religion.
I loved it and lived it with all my heart. I believed it with every fiber of
my being, I used to say, until about 37, and then I started questioning it.
(14:55):
And then about a year before Emberly was born, I had a severe throat problem
to the point where my throat chakra had closed off, and I knew I needed help. I had to get surgery.
And to make a long story short, I ended up leaving the church because I realized
that I wasn't speaking my truth, that it was no longer serving me.
(15:17):
It was no longer something that lit me up. It was actually something that was
holding me back and making me feel caged.
I think a lot of us are stuck in a comfort zone and we think it's comfortable
because we're used to it. It's normal. It's natural.
Like so many of us are living in states of perpetual stress or fear or whatever
it might be that we're just, we're just so used to it that we don't think or
(15:40):
believe that we can change that.
Or we don't even think it would be good for us.
Like we're, we're afraid of changing, but I had to for my health. And when I did.
For that whole year, I doubted it. I was so afraid.
Just lived in constant fear of like, well, what if I'm ruining my entire family for eternity?
And so many of the beliefs that I held dear were like, families are forever and now mine won't be.
(16:07):
I'm sending myself and all my children to hell, basically. The Mormon version
of hell is basically not being able to live with God forever.
And that was terrifying. And then when Amberlee passed and I was able to start
asking her every question about all of that,
and not only did I just deconstruct Christianity with her, but I also talked
(16:27):
about parenting and politics and just life in general and life after life.
And she just really held my hand and basically explained to me that there's no wrong way.
You can stay in the church if that makes you happy, but it's clearly not anymore.
More. You see things from a totally different perspective, and that's okay too.
You see it from a more open perspective and unconditional perspective,
(16:51):
which is where she is now.
She explains that where she is is called all that is, and that's why part of
the title is Remember All That Is.
But all that is to us is God. We are God. We are source, and we are all created under this.
Equally basically, but we choose what
happens to us in this life and the challenges and things that we have.
(17:13):
So as she was answering these questions, my heart was like, oh,
I'm terrified that these are the answers because they're so different than the
things I was told were the only right way my whole life. And this is so scary.
And yet she held my hand through the whole process. And And there were several
times I had to stop writing for a day or two and just, you know, let it soak in.
(17:39):
And then I'm here three and a half years out from when she died.
And I'm still like trying to embody a lot of the messages that she gave me and
a lot of the transformation.
Because you can know something, but still not do it or not embody it.
It's so easy to like, yeah, that's great. I understand that. that, and I can't do it.
(18:02):
It's like, you know, I know that I'm supposed to eat right and exercise,
but sometimes I just don't want to.
And her way of explaining life and, you know, why we're here and what we're
doing and all that kind of stuff.
And also leaving religion was terrifying to me, but also it brought such deep
inner peace and like just a resolve of like, I can't do it wrong.
(18:27):
I'm not going to hell. I'm going to be with her forever, no matter what I do.
And my children are safe in that way as well.
And it was such a relief to my soul, such a relief to my human ego,
I should say. My soul was fine.
But reconnecting with that part of that inner knowing that all that is-ness,
I guess, that each of us has was a huge relief to me and to so many people who read the book.
(18:54):
I hope that answers the question. That's exactly where I was hoping that you
would go with this, because my next question was about how, you know,
you leaving your religion, I mean,
for me, I also left Mormonism recently.
And while, you know, it's not anything close to the same as grieving a loved
(19:20):
one, it still can have this void in your life.
And I know for me, it's been really, really difficult journey to find a way to fill that void.
And I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on how you were able to fill your void,
(19:41):
both with, you know, leaving this amazing community that you had your your whole belief system. stem.
And, you know, with your child, how you are able to fill yourself up without the.
Doing it in a toxic way? Yes, that's a great question because so many of us
(20:04):
are resistant to feeling our feelings.
We just want to numb from them. We want to hide from them. We want to escape
and we feel like the void is only going to be filled by something out there, someone out there.
But what I learned is that, and you can see this by any kind of research,
seeing anyone who succeeds and finally gets to their goal, it's always,
(20:25):
it's like that carrot on the stick, right?
It's always going to be something else. You always need more.
And I hate the phrase that we get so much in just movies about love,
like, you complete me. And that's not true.
No other human being can complete us. No one else can love us enough until we love ourselves first.
(20:47):
And that's the main message, I think, from Emberly and from our book in general,
is to remember who you are.
Because, Because like I just said, all that is for us represents God.
And God is all that is. Every single human, every single thing of life,
every single thing you see anywhere in any time, space, anywhere.
(21:09):
And when you realize that we're part of all of that, and you overcome this need
as a human being to fill a void, you recognize that you are everything and there is nothing missing.
There's nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing that needs to be fixed. There's nothing you need to heal from.
And healing is really just a matter of perspective.
(21:31):
And she gave me an acronym after we wrote the book that I love to share for HEAL.
To heal, it's a human emotion accepted with love or a human experience accepted with love.
To love everything that happens, even though it's horrible, even though it hurts
and we don't want to feel it.
(21:52):
If we allow ourselves to really just tap into that moment, be present,
and just, Emberley says, ask, how is this helping me or what is this doing?
How is this serving me in any way to become more aware of who I really am?
And when you can look at life and everything that comes through you or to you
(22:12):
in your life, you can say,
this is here to help me heal a perspective of my limited self,
to help Help me see things from a view that I am already whole.
I am already perfect. I am already complete.
I am already healed when I really tap into that all that is-ness,
when I remember all that is, when I remember my true identity.
(22:32):
And then nothing can harm you. Nothing can hurt you.
You don't have to be afraid of anything ever else again because the void within
is filled by loving who you are, by allowing who you are.
By having so much unconditional love and acceptance for who you came here to be and for your.
(22:55):
Diversity for the difference that you bring because every
single one of us it's so amazing that there's like eight billion
people and every single one of us has a unique fingerprint a
unique thing that we bring to this life and when
we tap into that when we allow ourselves to be us rather than comparing ourselves
to somebody else feeling like we're not good enough like they have something
(23:17):
that we don't have like they somehow know better or do better or look better
or have more when we can stop that and say,
I am okay just the way I am.
And when I can shine by just being me and not having to change that or fix it
or do anything differently, then the suffering disappears.
(23:39):
The feeling of not enoughness disappears because we realize that no matter where
I go, I have me, I have my own back and I fulfill that void. I am the void.
When we become the void and love the void and
accept it and realize that we are it it
disappears and we feel full and
(24:00):
whole and unsatisfied and complete and perfect yeah i love that so much and
have you seen frozen too yes oh my goodness that it reminds me of at the end
where elsa realizes that she was the one that she was looking for.
I love this concept that we could be our own hero, that we can save us from,
(24:25):
you know, this dark feeling.
And then speaking of shining, on your book cover, you have Emberly running into
this cosmic void, and she is just glowing and shining.
And you see this beautiful blue butterfly.
I'd love to hear more about how you decided to go with this gorgeous cover that,
(24:54):
I mean, I just, I see it and I get the feels.
So I had to get the hard, the hard copy of this.
And what made you decide to go this route?
I know you touched a little on the name, which I know you might have some more
information on, but I'd love to hear about,
the the colors the the butterfly what
(25:14):
does the butterfly represent and yeah oh
my goodness i love this question thanks for asking nobody's ever asked me that
there's such a good story behind this that i'm actually getting teary-eyed remembering
it because i hadn't thought about this process for a while but i i've told the
story in other podcasts of the title and i'll
(25:35):
that really quick but the covers is just as special so when I was grieving like
deep in the throes of grief several months after she had passed I started art
I started creating painting and doing resin art and playing with crystals and
one day I was out in my studio.
Playing, doing, doing my thing. Cause that really helped me connect to her and
(25:59):
really helped me feel her.
And it was a way of creating pearls from my pain.
And I was sitting there listening to some YouTuber and he talked about going
into a darkness retreat.
And his name was Kyle Cease. He's become one of my favorite speakers,
but I was like, what's a darkness retreat.
But my soul was like, listen, listen, pay attention to this.
(26:19):
Cause you want to do that.
And I knew instantly that that That was my next step was going to a darkness retreat.
At this point, I think we had already written pretty much the whole book.
We just had no idea what to name it.
And I was too scared to share it. I was like, not ready.
I don't think I want the world to see my grief.
I don't think I want them to call me loony or crazy or woo woo because I'm channeling
(26:42):
a book with my daughter and all that. I wasn't ready.
So this was about six months later. I signed up.
They had a waiting list and I was able to go. and the only place I could find
it in the entire country happened to be an hour away from where I grew up in
my childhood home. What are the odds of that?
(27:03):
It was in Ashland, Oregon. And so I went there, stayed there for 10 days in
this dark man-made cave by myself.
There was no light, no sound, no other human.
And it was just me, myself, and all the thoughts, all the feelings,
and all the fears and everything came up.
And I went there specifically to.
(27:26):
Kind of get proof that my book was real, that it wasn't like this made-up thing,
because a lot of people will tell you, you're just making this up,
you're doing this to try to feel better.
And so I was doubting it. I had fears that it was just made up,
even though I knew deep down I couldn't even have written that for the life
of me without her help or divine help.
(27:48):
And during that time, I would think it had been about day five,
I finally got a beautiful
divine download is what I call it from her, where I had talked before I went
to the Darkness Retreat, I had talked to my editor about what we could name the book.
We had no idea what to name it. She had mentioned, why don't we call it Returning
(28:10):
to All That Is. It's a return to all that is because that's what Emberley did.
And that's what you did in the process. You talked about my transformation.
If you read the beginning of the book all the way to the end,
you see how how much I changed just in that process of writing.
And so I was like, okay, that's a pretty good working title.
I really do want to use all that is because that's such a main message.
(28:33):
And then when I'm in the dark room, I had this, just this download of mom.
Returning to all that is, is pretty good, but it's not exactly how it works.
You can't return to all that is because you are now, you always have been,
and you always will be an integral and necessary part of the wholeness of all that is.
So name the book, remember all that is, and then highlight the ember.
(28:57):
And it was just like this beautiful moment, like her name is Emberley.
We named her that because we knew that an ember, for some reason,
we knew that an ember was like a piece of a fire that had been separated and,
could be brought back to life with a simple burst of air, with some tension,
(29:18):
some love, and it could create its own fire.
And that's literally the imagery that she gave me of when we remember who we
are, when we remember all that is, we come back to life.
We're here on this earth feeling separate, feeling the illusion of separateness, like we're not one.
And then when we remember that, we come back to life.
(29:38):
That fullness ignites within us and we come back to a roaring fire rather than
just this little tiny flame that could be brought back to life.
So that was a beautiful experience in the dark room.
Fast forward several months from there, I had finally started the process of
getting the book published, finding an editor.
(29:58):
Well, I already had the editor, I should say, finding a cover. So I go to this place.
What's it called? It's been a while. I think it's called 99 Designs.
And you put on there basically the the things that you want as an idea for a
cover. I knew I wanted ember highlighted.
And at that point, I wanted it to look like fire because fire is what the message she was giving me.
(30:23):
So I was telling the designers, like basically you put it out there and a whole
bunch of designers give you feedback or give you like their ideas of designs.
They show you designs that they could go with and you have to choose one within
a certain amount of time and go with one.
And then they can tweak it or whatever. So I got all these different designs
(30:44):
back from the original prompt that I had given them.
And they all looked like hell, like fire, like literally like flames of fire and hell.
And I was just like, this is not the vibe I was going for it.
And I was, I was like kind of terrified. And I remember the,
I was actually painting again. This always happens when I'm in my flow.
(31:06):
That's the beautiful being creative, the beautiful part of just being able to
receive divine information when you're just letting go and going with the flow.
Anyway, I was painting and I was listening to Gabrielle Bernstein's new book.
I can't remember what it was.
And I'll rewind here. I had been invited to go to a women's retreat where I
(31:33):
would meet Gabby Bernstein in person.
And I knew that it was because I was supposed to give her our book.
And I was just really excited about that. And I'm listening to it. I'm painting.
And in the very intro of her book, she dedicates it to her son who had died
in the womb, like she had a miscarriage, and who always appeared to her as a blue butterfly.
(31:57):
Butterfly and I got goosebumps from my head to my toe.
So I was like, oh my goodness, that's what Emberly appears to me as.
I had never seen this particular butterfly in my life until after she died.
And then it appeared in our backyard and our property all the time.
So I knew that I had to include this blue butterfly.
And then when I heard Gabby say that, it was just like head to toe confirmation
(32:22):
like, oh, I'm doing this the wrong color scheme.
I need to go blue and white and black because this butterfly is amazing.
Literally the front of the wings when you're looking at it is black with blue
highlights and accents.
It's the same one that you see on the cover of my book. But when its wings come
(32:45):
up and you can see the underneath side, it looks like fire.
It literally has black with orange spots. And I was like, what is this?
Like, it was just like, oh, this is amazing.
It's just such a beautiful sign. It's exactly who she is. So I knew that had to be on the book cover.
(33:06):
And then once I changed it to the blue and the black and the white theme, it all came together.
And I knew that Emberly had to be on the cover. and she just gave me so many
things to confirm that and to lead me to the right person that it all came together
and I just think it's just a magical cover the whole experience has been so
magical and I'm just so grateful to share so thank you for letting me share that story,
(33:30):
well I mean I was really excited to hear more about that story because I know
for me I was mentioning earlier how I had this terrible fear of something happening to my little one and,
you know, to the point that I was having these issues.
(33:51):
This severe anxiety over it. And then I, when she was like one and a half,
I think, I went to get a tattoo.
And I just had this vision in my head of a blue butterfly.
And now I have a blue butterfly on my tattoo.
And it just looking at it for some reason, like brought me a lot of peace.
(34:15):
So I'm wondering if there's just some like universal thing of a blue butterfly
representing maybe children who passed on early or bringing peace to us if we are worried about that.
I have this beautiful story where when I was preparing to go meet Gabby Bernstein,
(34:39):
I knew that I had to bring her a book and I knew that I had to bring a couple
more of the copies because there was at least one more,
if not two more people that I had to go meet and that I had to give the book to.
And I didn't know why or where, but I just I follow those promptings when they
come and I just do them. So I had been invited to set up like a little thing
with my art and my book at this little like vendors kind of thing after the retreat.
(35:04):
And while I was there, I was setting up and a woman was setting up next to me
and I knew that I was supposed to give her one of the books.
I had heard her. She had been one of the speakers at the retreat and something
about it was just like, I don't know why, but I'm supposed to give her a book.
And then also there was a tarot card reader right next to us in a different table.
(35:25):
And I was like, oh, that's fun. I want to go get my tarot ready.
So she picks it up and she's flipping over these cards and two of them had a
blue butterfly in them. Like, what?
I've never seen this deck before, but it was just like, okay,
this is just crazy how much this is coming up.
And then when I met the woman who I knew I was supposed to give the book to,
(35:47):
she started crying her eyes out when I showed her the cover.
And she said, you've got to be be kidding me. I got to show you this.
She starts unzipping her shirt all the way down to the back of her back where
she had a tattoo of a blue butterfly.
So you're not the only one, Soda, who has apparently had this same symbol.
(36:09):
And when you said it must be some kind of sign, I really think it is of people
who are spiritual awakening or ready for rebirth.
And that's one of the beautiful messages that Emberly gives me in our book is
like, we are all constantly transforming all the time.
We're never just static beings. We like transforming.
We like change, even though as humans, we resist it. As souls,
(36:32):
we love it. We love change. We love challenges.
And we love to basically go through what she calls metamorphosis.
And so many of us, we're in this caterpillar stage. We're perfectly fine. We're just living life.
And then all of a sudden, we're in a cocoon and we feel stuck.
We feel gross. We want out.
We're just like, I don't like this. I don't know what's happening.
(36:53):
I'm all messy and ooey and gooey and whatever.
And a lot of times when we're in that messy middle, we want to fix it. We want to change it.
We want to get out or just pretend like we're not there.
And as humans, sometimes she taught me that if we were to open a butterfly in
that cocoon stage, we would actually kill it.
(37:14):
We're doing it a huge disservice because it would never form the strength necessary to fly.
Their wings would basically, they have to learn how to push and push and push
against, or maybe even with, lean into the pain, lean into the pressure and grow that way.
And then when you can, or when you get free from that, you can fly free.
(37:36):
And that's what gives you the strength to fly. And so many of us as humans.
We fear flying. We fear change. We fear the messy middle.
We want to change it. But she said, embrace it, love it, and allow it to be
without needing to fix it or heal it in any way, because it's creating something
that's absolutely beautiful that you just can't see yet.
(37:59):
So hold on, patience, you know, hold on to that, that hope and that promise that flying.
And I, cause I asked her, is flying really worth all that? Like,
I'm not, I don't want to fly if this is what I have to go through.
And she's like, yes, it's worth it, mom. It's worth it.
And I can tell you now in hindsight, after I've written the book that yes, it has been worth it.
(38:20):
Even though I hate grief, I can't say I'm a fan.
I also am so grateful for it because I think it's kind of like a rubber band.
The more you're stretched in different directions, the more capable you are
of holding bigger and bigger things.
Obviously with a rubber band, it's a gets stronger and stronger,
(38:42):
the more contrast we experience.
And that's one of the main lessons that I learned over and over in the book
is through pain, we as souls actually experience more pleasure.
And I also learned when she died that we can hold pain and pleasure at the same
time, that we can have gratitude and grief at the same time.
(39:02):
And it just makes us these ginormous beings.
And I think that that's a good picture of what all that is really is.
It's all-encompassing. It encompasses the good, the bad, the ugly.
And as souls, all of those things are neutral. They're not good or bad.
We don't judge them as good or bad. We just judge them as.
They just are. And it's as humans
(39:22):
that we judge them as bad and we want to resist them and not feel them.
But as a soul, we really love the contrast.
We really love the things that bring us to really low lows. And just like with
a roller coaster ride, she gives this analogy in the book as well.
A low low just gives you more and more momentum for when you're going high and
(39:43):
it makes your highs higher and makes it more fun to live.
So I hope that's a good answer.
That message was perfect. And I know that I needed to hear a lot of what you
just said, especially what you were saying about, is it worth it?
Because sometimes we're not sure if it's worth it.
(40:06):
I've had a few people tell me that they gave up on their book or their art or
whatever it is, because it was too painful.
It reminded them of that person that they lost that maybe was their inspiration originally to create.
(40:27):
And this actually leads me to the last question I I wanted to ask you,
which is, what would you tell someone who thinks that maybe it's not worth it
for them to keep going in their in their creative journey that maybe for other people,
(40:47):
it works to, to move on, but for them, they're, they're in a different situation. They're.
Their wound is too deep to ever find joy again.
How can they rekindle that love for creating that they once had?
(41:08):
So many of us, when we get reminded of our loved one who passed,
say that you're a painter and that just reminds you of your mom or whatever
it might be, and now she's not here and you're just grieving.
I want you to lean into that pain and paint
with her paint for her allow her to
be there with you in that experience rather than it be a bad thing that it reminds
(41:33):
you of her have it be a good thing have it be something in your mind that says
this is this is what connects me with her and helps me remember her and helps
me celebrate her life and the and the person that she was and what she meant to me.
Like when I started art, I had never been an artist before either.
And I had never even taken a painting class or any kind of art class or whatsoever.
(41:55):
And then when Emberley died, I saw an ad to do geode art.
And I just, it called to me and I followed that calling because Emberley told
me to. She said, follow the fun.
You don't have to get anything done.
And when you follow your bliss, when you focus on the things that light you up,
that bring you the most joy, joy that's when you can actually connect
(42:16):
with your loved ones and notice the signs you can
hear them more you can feel them more because you're living
in such a way that they want you to live they don't want
you to grieve forever sure they're okay with
they like seeing you cry because they know that that shows you that they love
that you love them and they want you to live a life of joy and love and to know
(42:37):
that they're okay and to feel peace because when you create from a place of
just unconditional love and release the judgment.
Don't say that I have to create this to make it perfect or beautiful or to share it with anyone.
Do it for you. Love yourself enough that you can heal from within by expressing what you're feeling.
(42:59):
I would argue that many of the greatest songs of all time or the greatest art
pieces of all time or things that we have created of all time have been created from lowest of lows,
from the people who are experiencing deep heartache and a break.
And from people that have been rejected or people who have felt so much pain
(43:20):
and loneliness and sorrow that they just had to express it, whether it's through
color, whether it's through lyrics, whether it's through poetry,
whether it's through the clothes that you wear, all of those things can act
as such beautiful catalysts to your biggest inspiration.
And you're not an exception to that. You can create something that is just as
(43:43):
unique and beautiful and powerful as anyone else.
There's no discrimination where it comes to divine inspiration and becoming one with all that is.
Remembering your own power and sticking in your own lane and not trying to be
like somebody else, but just creating from your heart and soul,
especially when you are grieving,
when you're feeling all of those awful feelings, will set you free and allow
(44:07):
you to become unstuck and feel actually really grateful that you had those experiences
because now you have this beautiful pearl to show from your pain.
And if you don't know anything about how pearls are created,
it's when an oyster gets a piece of stand stuck inside of them and it hurts.
It doesn't feel good. And they move and they move and they move so much that
(44:29):
it creates a beautiful masterpiece.
So, Amberlee likes to tell me that we are all masterpieces and works in progress at the same time.
And that's how art is. That's It's how creation is. We are all perfect just the way we are.
And we love to create and make better things all the time.
Thank you so much for sharing all of that, sharing your story, sharing your wisdom.
(44:55):
I know that a lot of people needed to hear what you have to say.
And thank you to everyone who tuned in this week.
With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I have been focusing on the mental
health aspects of being successful as a creative entrepreneur,
(45:18):
a professional artist, whatever your goal is.
If there is a specific topic that you would like to be covered in this podcast,
whether mental health related or something else related to being successful,
feel free to message Message me on Instagram at thesuccesspalette or email me
(45:41):
at thesuccesspalette at gmail.com.
Thank you and let's have a wonderful, successful week this week.
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