May 30, 2024 • 54 mins
Welcome to another insightful episode of "Two Charlottes Spilled a Tea." Tonight, we delve deep into the challenges and rewards of life as a single parent. Both hosts, with their unique experiences—one as a stepmom and the other as a single mom—share candidly about the struggles they face in parenting their children, ranging from toddlers to teenagers.
From the financial hardships of living on benefits to the emotional toll of juggling multiple jobs, this episode sheds light on the often overlooked difficulties of single parenthood. The hosts discuss their personal battles with societal stigmas, the constant stress of finding reliable childcare, and the unending pressure of ensuring their children's well-being while trying to maintain their own mental health.
But it's not all challenges; the hosts also highlight the immense joy and fulfillment that comes from being a parent, despite the obstacles. They advocate for more community support and workplace initiatives to ease the burden on single working parents, offering practical solutions like on-site childcare facilities.
This episode is a heartfelt conversation that aims to validate and support single parents everywhere. Whether you're a single parent yourself or just looking to understand their experiences better, tune in for an eye-opening discussion that will leave you with a deeper appreciation for the resilience and strength of single parents.
Don't forget to like, follow, and leave a review if you enjoyed this episode. Join us on Facebook and TikTok for more updates and engaging content.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the Two Charlottes Spilled a Tea.
We have got a great episode for you tonight. And it's something that I hope
will resonate with a lot of people that listen to us.
So we wanted to talk a little bit about life as a single mom.
Kind of parenting struggles, really,
(00:21):
because it's something that we talk about a lot to each other with.
You know, both of us, I'm not a single mom anymore. I'm married, but I'm also a stepmom.
Mom and my husband is my son's stepdad
and Charlotte is a single mom at the moment
so we quite often talk about issues and
troubles that we come across you know parenting I have
(00:42):
a teenage son Charlotte has a teenage daughter and she also has her toddler
and I my stepchildren are nine and eleven so there's things that come up I mean
especially for me as a first-time boy mom there's There's things that come up
that I just, I have to talk to someone about.
And we were just saying to each other the other day, it's like,
(01:02):
you know what? A lot of this stuff, people just don't talk about.
And so many of us, without a doubt, so many of us go through such similar things.
And so we just really wanted to kind of highlight some awareness of just our
daily struggles and our daily kind of life situations and what we've been through.
(01:22):
And I suppose one thing that I wanted to start off
talking about today and one thing you know that resonates for both of
us is being a single mum and kind
of the struggles that come with being a single mum so I actually have two children my
eldest daughter is 24 and when I had her I was with her her dad for a little
I was going to say father then I thought that sounded very posh and I'm not
(01:44):
at all I was with her dad until until she was about six months old and if you've
heard some of our previous podcasts,
you'll, you'll, you'll know exactly what that relationship was all about and how hard it was.
So after I was with her dad, I was obviously a single parent and I was a single
parent for many, many years.
When I was first a single
(02:07):
parent when she was just a few months old I was on
benefits and I was not only
kind of miserable stuck on benefits and I
felt like I didn't have a lot of money at all and I could never do
anything I could barely afford to keep her
in nappies to be honest with you it was very hard financially
and I just wanted to get back to work I just wanted to go and
(02:27):
work you know and occupy my mind
as well and to just get out of that being
stuck at home all the time with my baby
and don't get me wrong I loved my daughter very much
I still do I love her very much but I needed some
kind of adult stimulation adult company someone
else to talk to that could actually string a sentence back to me so
(02:49):
my brain didn't feel like it was slowly turning into
baby much so going back to work was a really exciting time
for me and I I did get back into
work and I actually ended up with three different jobs because
I found it very hard to find a solid
job that I could do with reliable child
care and so I ended up with three different jobs one
(03:10):
for a couple of hours in the morning I had one for a couple of
hours in the afternoon and I had a job for four or
five hours in the evening so they were all doing different things but
it worked until it didn't so I started
to find when I tried to get a job that.
Was one solid job nine to five it was
impossible being a single parent having no one to
(03:32):
fall on for child care you know trying to
rely on my friends to mind her for me and you
know trying to afford to pay people to mind her for me
so I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of people I just
couldn't couldn't afford that long time it wasn't viable and it
was actually really really hard and then trying to
find people that could have her for that length of time it was
(03:54):
it was impossible and then when she started preschool it
was trying to find people that could pick her up after preschool you
know or drop her to preschool and it was it
was a constant source of stress and a battleground so I tried to find jobs that
I could fit the one in the morning when she was was at preschool fine I could
drop her at preschool go to work come back that was easy but it wasn't enough
(04:19):
money for me to live on and it didn't really work out with the benefit.
That you know it just I needed to earn more
money to make the benefits that would
accompany that worthwhile so then it was
finding people to have her in the afternoon and then
finding people that would sit at my house in the evening because
it was her bedtime and just sit in
(04:40):
my house each night it's not as simple as I'll
just get a childminder it's really not there's it's so much harder so things
were becoming more and more difficult and I was ending up having a lot of time
off work because I didn't have someone to mind her and I knew the people I worked
for was getting stressed out and that was making me stressed and it went on
for probably far too long and in the end.
(05:03):
I made a decision to stop working and to go on benefits. And oh my gosh, how awful was that?
It was, and you know what?
It was awful in the sense of how
I was made to feel by just the general public, not by my friends at all.
My friends thought that I made the right decision, but just the stigma that
(05:23):
comes with being a single mom on benefits and especially a single mom on benefits
that's like 20 years old, because you're so young.
You know you're you're so young compared to everyone else
and you just feel like you fall into that what's the
word uh stereotype it's like
a steric that's it stereotype and I
(05:43):
just felt so stereotyped I was so ashamed to tell when people say so what do
you do for a living oh well I don't actually work like I'm a full-time mum that
doesn't cut it people like what do you do when I'm a stay-at-home mum as if
it's you know not an important job as if it's nothing and I I really really struggled with that.
And I, you know, me now today, I wouldn't give two shits what anyone thought
(06:06):
about my parenting decisions or, you know, my choice to work or not.
But when you're that young as a parent, it can be really tough mentally.
And I did find it really tough, although it was, it was better for me to be
at home with Maya and to be able to take care of her and look after her.
I felt like I was just falling into this, you.
(06:27):
This bracket of, you know, stuck in this kind of government paid loophole of
being on benefits, never being able to get out of it.
And I did start to feel like that was, that was it.
That was my life. I was just going to be a mom, a single mom on benefits for the rest of my life.
And it was, it was really kind of hard going for me anyway.
(06:48):
Me no it is it is
really hard and like the the stereotype around
like single parents on
benefits is actually shocking because yeah
and what's really what's like really bad
right so from what you were just saying the worst part
of that is if you were married to
(07:11):
a man that earned loads of money and you said oh
I'm a full-time mum or I'm a stay-at-home mum you would
get the response of oh how lovely how wonderful
that you can do that but because you were a single stay-at-home
mom everyone's like oh so they're just scrounging off the
government not working can't be arsed lazy like
and that's that's so tragic for our like society it really is yeah so tragic
(07:38):
it really is and it hasn't like improved as time has gone on no it hasn't and
what's like because I you know I'm quite open about my situation.
Obviously, I am a single parent. I've got two kids and I am semi-successfully
co-parenting with my youngest daughter's dad.
(08:00):
Obviously, there's still places and things that we would like to make it better
and to work on, but current situations don't allow
for that but we are working through all of that and
but 90% of the time it is you know it is me and I do work but I do also claim
the benefits I'm entitled to but people are like oh they make those faces when
(08:26):
you're like you know oh I can you know I received this benefit or you know
yeah, I get that kind of, you know, grant for this, or I get that discount for that because of this.
And it's the faces you get off people. And I'm like, well, actually,
hang on a minute, because I pay tax on my income and then I claim the benefits.
(08:48):
So actually, like, I'm just getting monthly tax rebates as far as I'm concerned.
Like, I'm just getting my tax back that I'm already paying you know I do have
a job like but trying to work you know I work like semi full-time so I'm actually
really lucky in the sense that my boss is unbelievably flexible with my situation.
(09:10):
And that's something that I don't take for granted at all because I know that
a lot of other single parents that want to work really really struggle with
it but I am really lucky key that my boss understands that,
you know, it is just me and, you know, I've got to kind of work around the kids,
but even working like semi full time,
(09:34):
because I do work in the evenings at home, you know, I'm allowed to change my
hours to work around, you know, like preschool and, you know,
childcare and things like that.
But, you know, even trying to work with two kids as a single person,
you need that extra bit of help.
And I don't think there should be any shaming asking for that bit of financial
(09:55):
help, especially because I got my first job when I was 15.
So I've been working like...
For like 20 years I'm 35 now so I've
been working for like 20 years I took like two
years out after Grace was born because of all
of the problems I had I wasn't in
a fit state to be able to work you know with the like mental health problems
(10:19):
and the drug addiction having to go through all of that with Grace I wasn't
in a place to be able to actually hold down a job so I didn't work but But other
than that, I've consistently had a job.
So I don't think there's anything wrong if you are a single parent trying to work the best you can.
(10:40):
Whether it be you can only work the 15 hours that your kids are at preschool because they're young,
or you can only work on weekends when their dad has them,
or you've got a family member that will help you,
or you can work at home doing something
because then you can work around your kids and it's flexible or
(11:00):
whatever like if you need to take that extra bit
of help I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it and it
makes me really cross when people judge it it's that
it's that silent judgment isn't it the look that
you're saying about that look and you just know people are
judging you and you know even
when I was listening to you talking there and you're
(11:20):
explaining about how you've worked since you're 15 and it's
still that that fact that
you feel even now in this day and
age you have to explain yourself like that and you know the more I'm listening
to it and I'm thinking through like how people are it's just mad to me that
(11:41):
in this day and age there's still so much stigma around people needing to you
know have a benefit to help them needing help get through a hard time and,
being a single parent.
It's so hard in so many ways. Don't get me wrong.
It is the most rewarding job, but it's also the hardest job.
(12:02):
And I mean job in the world.
And the fact that people have to not only raise their children alone,
they then have to go out to work is tough.
And in the countries that we live in,
in these first world countries where we're supposed to have help and support,
courts obviously in an ideal world when you
(12:24):
have a child you you think that you're going to be happily ever
after with the person you have a child with and everything's going to work out
for the best you know people say like i've heard people say oh she's just having
another kid so she can claim more money oh and that that phrase is what's wrong
with society makes me so mad i I don't think,
(12:46):
I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think people do that kind of thing.
I think people genuinely think when they have a kid with someone that this is it.
This is going to be the moment that I settle down and, you know,
build a family and stay with this man or woman,
whoever you have a child with, that's going to, you know, help me and,
you know, provide for us and everything's going to be peachy creamy.
(13:10):
And I genuinely think that's how most people feel when that sort of thing happens.
And i don't think they go oh i'm gonna do this because i'm
gonna scrounge some more money off the government because i'm sorry
you try living on benefits it's hard i
mean like it's hard isn't it it's hard and now you know for people that aren't
aware the benefit system has a two children cap it doesn't matter how many kids
(13:35):
you have you only get paid for two so if if i was to have another child now,
I wouldn't get paid for that child till Grace turns 18 and no longer classes as a child.
So that phrase of, oh, they're just having more kids. I don't know what it's
like, actually. I'm going to just...
Backtrack I don't know what it's like in Ireland I don't know
(13:57):
if you have a two two child cap but in England we
have a two child cap on benefits
you can get not on child benefit that's the government thing that's that's regardless
of children but on the universal credit which is the benefit system everyone
goes on now is you only get support for two children so wow if I.
(14:22):
Had another one I wouldn't get paid for that child any
additional support until Grace turned
18 and became an adult so then I
wasn't wouldn't be getting any money for her so that
phrase of oh yeah they're just having more kids to get more money
off the government is is a load of bollocks if
(14:42):
I'm honest because it's not possible like disgusting phrase
as well yeah it makes me so
so mad as well when people think oh you know you're living on benefits
you're just like living the dream because you don't have to work
and you're just getting given money but you get given like under
minimum wage yeah it's it's lower
than I mean like the way they work it out over
(15:04):
here and the way it used to be worked out I'm pretty
sure I mean I can't really remember to be honest it was
a long time but I know the way they work it out over here
roughly is there's like depending on
whatever size of family there's like a like a basic
living wage of of an amount that they think you
need to live on a week and then I think what they do is give you like 60 percent
(15:27):
of that so when you're on benefit you're actually it's not the bare minimum
amount you need to live on it's 60 percent of the bare minimum amount you need
to live on so when you have to make that choice to be on benefits.
It's not a good choice to make.
It's not the easy way out either. It's not the easy way out. No.
(15:50):
It's for people that are in desperate situations or bad situations to make sure
that they don't starve or, you know, don't lose a roof over their head.
Just try and keep people afloat and going until they can do something to change their situation.
But in in many instances it
just it creates such a divide between say
(16:14):
like the working class and the middle class of people it creates such a financial
divide it just makes things so hard and and nobody wants to be kind of struggling
on benefits no one wants to not have enough money to go and get their nails
done or to you know go on a holiday to treat themselves especially when
you're working and having to claim benefits to top it up and you know you're
(16:35):
a single mom on top of that I mean we were working out kind of money what your
outgoings would be roughly a month.
And then what your incomings are a month. People are barely making ends meet
when they're having to claim.
It's UCC, is it, over there now?
Yeah, universal credit. So you see that we, I think there are still some people on the old system.
(16:59):
But as far as I'm aware, most people are being migrated over to the new system now.
And that's like, that's the kind of benefits payment, whether you've got a job
or not, isn't it? Yeah. It's UC.
It's all the same. So like if you don't have a job, you're on less than the
bare minimum that you need to live on.
And if you do have a job, you're probably in the exact same situation because
(17:21):
once you start earning a certain amount, it comes out of the money that you receive.
So when you're a single parent and you're in that situation, you then have the issue.
And I was shocked when you were telling me how expensive childcare was over there.
You then have the issue of how much childcare you
can actually afford to pay out of that money that you have to live on
(17:42):
a week and whether it is actually of any benefit to try and get a few extra
hours of work in a week or not this is it childcare is ridiculous and this is
this is why i'm so like i'm really grateful for my childcare situation so i'm
really lucky in the sense that
my mother-in-law Darcy's Nana was all like from day one,
(18:06):
when I found out I was pregnant, she was like, well, when you go back to work, I'll have her.
It's not a problem at all. Like it's not an issue.
You know, she, she's at home because she's got younger kids and she's a foster
carer. So she was like, absolutely not a problem.
So I, I'm really grateful in that situation that when I did go back to work,
(18:26):
I didn't have a childcare cost associated to it. You know, I.
I always send her to her Nana's with a packed lunch and bag with nappies in
and wipes in and all that kind of stuff.
But I never had like an actual cost associated to childcare,
(18:47):
but it only really kind of like opened my eyes to how hard it is when Darcy started preschool.
So we then, then as of
April this year if you're a working family and
you have a two-year-old you get 15 hours free child
care so that's so that's when we decided I was going
(19:08):
to put Darcy into preschool because she's so ready for it
and I was going to get the free 15 hours but
I got the bill for what it would have been for
this term if I didn't have 15 hours a week for free and it was was going to
be 1400 pounds for 15 hours a week now bearing in mind if you were to take into
(19:30):
account the pickup and drop off you could only actually work probably 12 hours a week.
13 if you worked close to the preschool that your child went to and you know
if you have to go through the settling in phase like I'm doing with Darcy where
it should be full days but it's half
(19:50):
days because we're doing settling sessions like how are you supposed to work around such a
small amount if you can't afford 1400 pounds a term to top up your child care
to make it full time like how are you supposed to go back to work so I'm not
surprised people make the decision to not work until their kids are at school
(20:12):
because you can't afford it child care is so expensive yeah,
yeah yeah it's crazy isn't it
and like even at that the if
it's free child care the cost of that is obviously coming out the
government yeah but because it's not classed as
a benefit benefit and it's for working families so everyone's like oh well they
(20:34):
were yeah that's why they get free child care they're paying into the system
but it's like it's just madness like as long as it's like Like as long as it's
not packaged as a benefit, then you're fine.
It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
You can't kind of do the right thing at all.
(20:56):
And it's so, I have found it so stressful being a single parent and just,
you know, not even with the working stuff aside,
even just the daily kind of being a single parent, because
even if you do have support systems around like you
do it's not the same because you're
(21:17):
the one person that's there day in
day out you put to bed you do the breakfast you're there
you know if they fall over and cut themselves you wipe
up their messes when they're eating you teach them how to
use their cutlery it there's I mean
it's just endless you're tidying up after them you get to see
them at their best and their worst and there's nobody
(21:39):
around you to to share that
with you to share that burden to share that workload to share
the happiness the joy the tears the frustration all
of it and like I know like in in your case you're very clear that you've got
your mother-in-law you know who's very helpful but it's still and I think that's
(21:59):
brilliant don't get me wrong I'm not knocking that at all I think it's fantastic
that you have that because Because I didn't have that with,
I had it a bit with Maya,
but I didn't have it so much with Max.
And it can be really hard when you're trying to, when you don't have like,
I would class her as family.
She's a mother-in-law, she's family. And when you don't have family around,
(22:19):
like when I came over to Ireland, I have no family over here. It's just me.
And so it's just the people that I've made friends with. And I always feel like
I'm imposing on people that are my friends.
And don't get me wrong, I had a couple of friends in particular that were so
good in helping me with Max when I was working. working when I had my pizza shops and stuff.
(22:42):
And it wasn't until, you know, and I had to take him to work with me so often, so often.
And it wasn't until it was suggested to me that he, you know,
really needed me at home.
He's ASD, so he's on the spectrum.
And so I ended up giving up work and I care for him and he needed it. He really did.
Me staying at home with him has been just
(23:06):
huge in his progress yeah the best
thing I could have done but it still
comes with that stigma I still feel like I
can't really talk about you know
my income and stuff like that because I feel like there's a
lot of stigma attached to it and and it
was so hard trying to especially with him
(23:27):
having additional needs and stuff and I just I
really struggled and I did feel very alone through a
lot of it and it can be a really hard feeling and
I think even when you do what my point is even when you
do have people that are there like I have my friends with
Max I have my family around with Maya even when
you have those people there they're not the parent they're not the one doing
(23:51):
it all and trying to juggle all of that with a job is incredibly hard it's incredibly
demanding and And I don't think we talk enough about the demands it places on the parent.
There's so much, oh, what do you say?
Like, it's like, you feel like you've got to do the right thing.
(24:12):
You know, as a parent, you're always like, I've got to do the right thing.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right thing to do?
And then, you know, I need to work. I need to make sure I'm working.
And even if that's just to show my kids, you know, this is what they should
be doing and to be a good example and stuff like that. But we put so much pressure on ourselves.
And I think that single parents, especially single parents, deserve a bit of
(24:34):
a break from that stigma and that pressure.
And, you know, I think there are a lot more ways that we could be helping people
who are single parents in our communities as well with, you know,
after-school clubs or things that are maybe...
Aimed at taking the pressure off parents i mean i don't know
(24:56):
i'm just freestyling with this here but i feel like
there's a lot more we could be doing in our communities if there's
single parents that aren't working and are happy to
stay at home perhaps the government could do
initiatives where they could run child care
creches that are free for other single parents only
you know perhaps there could be more initiatives looked
(25:17):
at like that way communities want to help each other
yeah you know and I said
it would I think it'd be good if there was stuff like
that because you know at the end of the day no nobody
starts out wanting to be a single
parent nobody intends to be a single
parent you know that's you don't intend
(25:38):
to put this much pressure on yourself you don't intend to start
out having to be the only one and
you know like you said I'm really grateful because I do have
you know my mother-in-law to help
me out with child care and I you know
I kind of co-parenting with Darcy's dad you know it's it's different with Grace's
(25:59):
dad we you know he has no involvement but she is 16 so it is a lot easier in
that sense you know child care doesn't seem to be an issue with a 16 year old
you know and I have like I do have my mum granted she lives
in South Africa, but she is on the other end of the phone if I need to just vent about stress.
But it is really like, it is tough when it's just you, because the.
(26:23):
The responsibility falls on you. You know, you want to make sure that you're
setting a good example. You're being a good role model.
You're doing everything right. You're taking care of all their needs.
You're hitting all of the bases. You're helping your child hit every milestone
at the correct age that they should be.
And, you know, like encouraging them to do all those things.
(26:45):
And, you know, should she know her colors by now? Should she know her letters by now?
Like you're are always putting that pressure on yourself.
But then on top of that, you have sleepless nights. If you have a kid that doesn't
sleep, you then have to go through all the different phases of children.
You know, you go through the teething phase, you go through the sleep regressions,
(27:07):
you go through the separation anxiety, you know, you go through all of those things.
And when you're a single parent, it doesn't matter how many friends or family
you have around you, you still go to bed at night by yourself wondering whether
or not did I do the right thing?
Because it all falls on you, regardless of how many people you have around.
(27:31):
And like and I do feel and you
know it's never an imposition with my mother-in-law to have Darcy and she tells
me all the time but even I feel like I'm putting her out by asking her to have
Darcy like you know at the moment obviously we're doing all the kind of settling
(27:52):
with preschool so it's it's like half days.
So it's like I'll drop her off in the morning and then I go to work and then
I pick her up and then it's, oh, well, can I bring her over to yours so I can
go back to work for a few hours?
And I'm like, I'm always like, are you sure? As long as it's OK,
it's not an inconvenience. Like, I don't want to be an inconvenience.
Like, I don't want to be putting you out. Like, I'm always feeling bad about it.
(28:13):
Yeah. And though, you know, she always tells me not to.
Like, she's always like, no, I absolutely don't mind.
I love having her, blah, blah, blah. like she's absolutely fine with
it but you just feel like you're putting people out all
the time and yeah I'm like you know
I've contemplated so many times being like would it
just be easier if I just didn't work until Darcy was at school because then
(28:36):
I would just not have to worry about this stuff and then I'm like no because
then you'll have been out of work for five years and no one's gonna hire you
let's be honest like you know it's such a hard situation to be in where I'm like, oh my God,
like you doubt yourself 24 seven. You literally do.
And we don't give single parents enough credit for how hard it is.
(29:00):
Even if you do have friends and family that will help you out with,
you know, childcare and looking after them and help you do things like,
it is so hard being a single parent, the most rewarding job.
And I genuinely wouldn't change it for a second, but it's rough like it's not
for the thing it is it's really rough and you know what you were saying there
(29:24):
about like stressing out about putting people out that's a everyday stress.
It's a constant every single day stress and you you constantly feel like you're
putting people out like I used to feel the very same with Max and with Maya
constantly having this stress and And that's just one of many stresses that
is constantly in the back of your head as a single parent.
(29:48):
And if you don't have a lot of stress in your head a lot of the time,
you can't really fathom what it feels like to have little things like that just
constantly whirring around in the back of your brain.
It's like a constant semi-state of anxiety about certain things.
Yeah, and it can really put a lot of pressure on you. and everything that you
(30:12):
were saying there, like the sleepless nights and, you know, all of that sort
of thing, it's really hard work.
I did find it a lot harder with Max because obviously his additional needs.
Yeah. And, you know, when it was suggested to me,
that he has additional needs it would be much better for you to not be working.
(30:35):
It was almost like a bit of relief for me in a
way because I was like you know how hard it has been how hard
it has been to juggle everything that I'm
doing and that is when people say it's a
juggling act it really is a juggling act oh yeah it's
so many balls in the air at the same time and when
you're worried you know like I used to think oh
(30:56):
because I get a phone call from the the school you know
oh Max hasn't been collected and I'd
ring the the crash that he was at and they say oh god sorry
we forgot I'm like oh
my god you know so there'd be things so then I'd have to leave work and go and
collect him even though it'd been organized and I felt like then I felt like
the school probably think that I'm useless and haven't organized a crash to
(31:19):
come and collect him my work probably thinks that I'm useless because I had
even though I had it was just out.
Of my hands but then there'd be you know days when
we'd have to go in and he wouldn't have slept at night time
because of issues that we'd have at home
I wouldn't have slept I'd be absolutely wrecked he didn't
want to go into school then I'm like I can't really afford to take
(31:40):
another day of work this week because if I take another day
off then I'm down another like 60 euros and then
I don't have enough money to cover all my bills this week and that's
a big like that's a big pressure as well there's only
so many days off that you can have or hours out
of work that you can have before it then affects the
rest of everything and then you have to start worrying well if I can't
(32:02):
pay that bill for this week where am I going to take the
money from to cover that and then you start getting into this really bad cycle
so when that was suggested to me it was such a relief but at the same time you
know it meant a massive kind of pay cut and a lot of different issues arise
from that so there's a so much stigma to you know being a single mom and I have to say.
(32:28):
You know, since meeting my husband and getting married, it has taken a lot of
that weight off of my mind.
So I have a lot of respect for single parents because I know I'm not a single
parent now, but I have definitely been there.
And I know how hard it can be.
And how I just wish that the general public would, you know,
(32:50):
take a minute to appreciate the work that single parents do.
And instead of just, oh, look, she's on benefits. if it's, you know,
I actually think like, what are you saying here? You know, these people need help.
They've got it hard enough as it is. You know, it's like, yeah,
if you take away like, because obviously like financial stresses is something
that everybody feels, especially,
(33:13):
in the world we're living in at the moment with the cost of living crisis,
utility bills are always going up, food bills are going up, everything is more
expensive, but wages are staying the same.
So, you know, like kind of broadening what we're saying, financial stress doesn't
just fall on single parents, but if you're struggling in a couple,
(33:35):
try being a single income and struggle.
Like when you've still got the same amount of mouths to feed,
you know, if you're a married couple with two kids, you have both work,
you've got two incomes and you're struggling, then try being a single income
with two kids and you've still got all the same stuff to pay for like you still
(33:55):
have all the same bills you still have all the same school costs and like food
costs and all of this stuff and.
It's it's just never-ending like it
is a constant thing and like financial stress
for me is something that massively triggers my mental health that's a huge thing
(34:16):
for me like when I feel like I can't pay for things it's like my kind of PTSD
trigger comes in of you're losing control of everything you're going to lose
everything even if I just you know can't pay a petrol bill or something
stupid like my whole world falls apart but I'm not really sure I was going with
(34:37):
that I've just lost my train of thought over financial stress and when you were
saying that I was gonna say.
You know again that just brings it back to sort of
what I was saying like if there's two of you in a house but
say like you said two kids both parents working
if you have a bad few nights with your
(34:59):
child or there's something going on oh your
child is sick or the creche doesn't collect them one of
you can can take the time off without
it being that much of a financial issue say like if you have to have four hours
off in one day and then the next day off right so you might be down 100 quid
for the for that time off that week yes it's stressful i'm not saying it isn't
(35:21):
but you have the other person's wage coming into the house as well when you're a single parent on
your own, that hundred pounds down means that you're not paying something that week,
which means that for the next three or four weeks, you'll be behind on that money.
And you're trying to chop it and change it and match it up from somewhere,
which then means that if you have any days in those next three or four weeks
(35:41):
where suddenly you have to go and collect your child or something is wrong.
That's it you're thrown out for months and before you know it
you have to get a loan or you have to get an overdraft or you know you
use your credit card and it's such a hard cycle to be in yeah and it is and
there are so many people that really really struggle in that like again you
(36:02):
know I can't stress enough where I'm not you know I'm not trying to say that
you know oh look at me I'm so
lucky, but I have the flexibility that I can work at home.
So if I do have to, you know, like at the moment where I have to kind of take
45 minutes ish out of the day to go and pick Darcy up and drop her off,
(36:22):
I can then make that time up in the evening. But not everyone has that luxury.
You know, I just have the luxury that my job can be done, you know, from home.
But some people in like retail or hospitality
or you know nhs or public services
or anything like that or our teachers or
you know anything like that you don't have
(36:44):
the luxury of being like oh well i've got to nip out for an
hour but i'll just i'll just sign back on this evening and do
an hour and make it up you don't have that luxury so
if you're in that kind of profession and you're
a single person you've got no one else that can kind of help
you out with collecting a sick child or taking time off
if they're poorly or you know the creche doesn't
(37:05):
pick them up or the nursery's closed because they've had a
flood and you've got no one that can have your kids like and you don't have
the ability to make up the time that's a huge stressor and there's nothing that
helps anybody out in that situation it's very much like well you chose to have
kids so you're gonna have to deal with it see you later bye.
(37:27):
Yeah so yeah like just
kind of on that on that note like I do think
you know there needs to be more done to help single
parents but single working parents for sure and like
you know there's there's so many massive companies
out there that could do more to.
Help the working parents they have you know things like
(37:49):
you know putting child care on
on site like creating creches and
daycares that you can work and drop
your kids off on site so you can you know
start your shift and drop the kids off there and
then you know that they're there they're happy they're safe
you can work and there's not then going
(38:10):
to be any kind of commute from child care to work and
vice versa you know and like massive companies
could afford to do that and they you know they they could
even kind of subsidize it with you know taking a
small percentage from your wages if you use the daycare and
I think they'd probably find a
hell of a lot more like single parents
(38:32):
and even just working parents in general finding
it easier to be like okay yeah
I can go back to work full-time because you know
child care is included with where I work and you
know I don't need to worry about the whole commuting from the
preschool or the child minders to work and factoring
(38:53):
that in with the hours you're available I think
it would just make would just take the pressure off massively.
Would it even but.
Even just listening to that just I can just I feel like it's lifting the pressure
off you know I remember how hard it was for me with Maya and then with Max constantly
(39:15):
having to rely on on my friends and having to would you mind having them would
you mind that That was a huge amount of stress, just having to ask people,
could you pick him up from creche today? I'm on a late shift.
Just knowing that you will always have that solid, safe relationship,
crash there that solid safe child care you could go in you could do a six hour shift,
(39:38):
seven hour shift fine no problem because the child care is right there you know if anything is wrong,
then they're going to see it right there where you work if your child gets sick
they're going to know straight away there's going to be it's going to be just
so much less hassle less stress.
Less kind of like you said the commuting everything that just so much easier
(39:59):
and if If there'd been something like that available for me when I,
you know, went back into work, it would have been a godsend.
I could have done the job that I wanted to do instead of doing three different
jobs, you know, running around like a mad thing, trying to get to my different
jobs and getting, picking my hair up from here, dropping her off to there,
doing this, that and the other.
(40:20):
It was just so stressful. And I think I definitely agree,
you know, for working single parents, there needs to be a lot more initiatives
and help and support because, I mean, it's hard being a single parent on benefits
because you really struggle with funds.
But sometimes it's the easier option than going back.
(40:41):
To work because it's just it's there's so many things
to juggle as a single parent going back into work and if you
could have something like that i mean it would it
would be life-changing for a lot of people oh yeah
actually life-changing and it would
be a huge like what's the word not
like a like a turn on but you know i mean it would be a huge thing for
(41:02):
a company to be able to offer that yeah a massive incentive
incentive to make you that's the word yeah want want
to go there yeah if you're you know a
single parent and you're like right so I've got you know
a two-year-old for example so you're looking
at jobs and you're like right I need to work around this I can get them in
preschool here for this hours and you're looking at
(41:23):
the hours and is it flexible and could I remote work and
this that and the other and then you see on the advert on-site child
care you'd be like problem solved
resolved yeah yeah and they might say oh
look it'll cost you a pound out of every every hour's
wages i'd be like yep yeah i'd be like cool because you'd be paying that anyway
(41:44):
paying somewhere else you know and the government could still give their 15
hours subsidized exactly and it could just go towards that yeah you know you
could still do like because full-time.
Like childcare, so obviously outside of, you know, if this was obviously on
site, it would be office hour childcare, but normally it's like 30 hours a week is classed as full time.
(42:08):
So you could get your 15 hours subsidised through the government funding,
and then you pay for the other 15 hours.
And if you're only being docked like a pound an hour out of your wages there
in daycare, you're only losing 15 pound a week, but you're saving a fortune
because you can work full time.
You have your child on site with you you don't
(42:29):
have any additional commuting costs because you're going there anyway because
that's where you work and not only are you kind of saving money and you know
having less driving around and all of that stuff it's actually probably going
to be working wonders for your mental health massive because think of how many you know how much.
(42:50):
Less stressful it would be if you
knew that you could drive to one place where you could
drop your child off in child care and
then go to work and you can do drop your
child off in child care walk through the double doors put on
your apron and go off in and you're in work exactly and
then you can do your shift and come back pick your
(43:11):
child up and go home like it would
and I just sounds so stress-free it would
help get so many it would help get
the single parents who don't have the luxuries
that I have of having you know a
family member who's willing to help me out
that I can go back to work like but even even
(43:33):
at that right if you had this opportunity I would
imagine you would choose this or over having to keep asking your mother-in-law
you know having her had this day this day this day because I know I if I had
someone you know if I say my mom or my mother-in-law whatever was was here and
someone I could ask I would still rather.
(43:55):
Organize it myself and do it through a proper channel
then be what I would feel would be putting on someone
I don't want to put on them yeah I don't want even and I'm
sure that they don't think that at all no but it's just
it's what you think in your head isn't it how you feel
isn't it like because I yeah I've literally said it
to Debbie so many times like oh I'm so sorry like is this
(44:16):
okay like I feel like it's such an inconvenience and
she always comes back with it's not a problem like i'm
happy to have her like this is not an issue you know spending
time with my grandchild is not an inconvenience but
in my head i'm like well but you still
feel like it is so i have to organize
this she's my responsibility and i feel bad i'm
(44:38):
like having to ask and we cannot be
the only two people in the world that feel this way i
if we are money on it that every other single
parent you know that is the full-time parent
feels this way yeah and if we are the
only two people on the planet then i think we just
need to give up now we're doing it wrong we're doing
(45:01):
parenting wrong yeah we went
wrong somewhere yeah we need to
like restore store factory settings but I do
I do also think that you know we need
to give single parents
a bit of slack and we need to give single working.
(45:22):
Parents a bit more like credit where credit is due because it is you know being.
A parent is like my favorite thing in the whole world like I'm so I'm so grateful
for both of my kids and it is my favorite job,
but it is a really tough one because you are...
(45:46):
You know responsible for another human coming into
the world and coming into society and you
it's a massive responsibility and i
don't think i don't think pet like people fully
get it if you don't have kids i don't think you understand the
magnitude of being a parent i mean
(46:06):
they're your whole world yeah like one so
not only do you you have your normal problems like
what every adult adult has you have the
problems that are associated with being a parent
and that is the worry and the stress of
everything that goes in with parenting and it is
a lot of worry and stress as amazing as it is it is a lot of worry and stress
(46:28):
for the pure simple fact that that that child is your world and you will do
everything you can to give them the very best of it well yeah one and that's
a lot of pressure that's so much pressure that's not even taking into account making sure that you
teach them, you know, right from
wrong and you handle all different things that come up in the right way,
(46:51):
you know, like, and I know we're going to do another podcast when it comes to
like parenting teenagers.
Because that's a whole different kettle of fish.
And the difference between parenting a teenage boy to a teenage girl is very different.
Like, you know, but when you you
have to deal with the things that happen in their life and like
how you handle just the day
(47:13):
to day stresses of making sure that you're
doing the right thing and you're giving them you know the
right boundaries and the right tools and you're giving them enough love but
you're also making sure they've got a clean house and a happy home and they've
got all the things that they need but also remembering to give yourself all
the things that you need because oh let's be honest Most of us don't.
(47:39):
We don't like we honestly don't give ourselves all
the things we need because we give so much to everything
else there's quite often not enough and there's
quite often like for me i know that sometimes i just go to bed and there is
nothing left of me to be like oh i'm gonna you know do some self-care now i'm
(47:59):
gonna yeah myself i'm gonna watch my programs and drink a cup of tea i'm like
no it is one o'clock in the morning i just want to get into bed and sleep work i need to go to bed
now like you know and you can guarantee that'll
be the night that at two o'clock in the morning there's a
knock at the door and yeah something's happened
(48:19):
or you know Darcy will.
Wake up and demand that the only place she can
sleep is inside my pajamas because apparently that's
what she likes to do now and I'm like oh.
So I'm not sleeping for the rest of the night because you're now
completely in my personal space and yeah.
You know i have a king-size bed but she insists
(48:41):
on sleeping attached to me all over it like
you know and it is one of those like i
don't if you wake up to a child ill in the middle of the
night and you have to strip down beds clean up sick
or bathe the child dry them put new
sheets on the bed get them back into bed and by the time you
get back into bed it's half four or five in the morning and then you're like
(49:01):
right i've got got to be awake in half an hour exactly and then
you have to get up and get them breakfast and organize them
and get off for the day and then do it
all over again like you know that was me long like
a couple of weeks ago when Darcy had the chicken pox and she was puking
everything I think I went through every single
bed set that I own and then ended
(49:23):
up sleeping with no bed sets on and sleeping
on towels because we ran out yeah sick and
you're stripping beds in the middle of the night and it is just like it's
so draining it really is but
you know and I just don't think we give a give them
enough credit and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit so I think
we need to just like a minute to actually be like do you know
what like we do so much
(49:45):
and actually like I think we should be really proud of what we do and how we
achieve it I actually agree I 100% agree and you know what I think from now
on I'm going to be a little bit more proactive with of shouting out people that
I know are single parents and saying to me, you know, every so often just like.
You know, you're doing a good job. Be like, you're actually touching this.
(50:09):
Yeah, yeah. Because I'm definitely guilty of being so wrapped up in my own crap that I don't like.
And I think a lot of us are. We don't give pause to other people and what they're
going through a lot of the time.
And we get so wrapped up in what we're going through that I think,
and I don't know, right, this is going off track a little bit.
But I don't know if stuff like COVID is to blame for that because we were all so isolated for so long.
(50:32):
It's like we we've kind of got so wrapped up
in ourselves that we've forgotten the kind
of meaning of community and and looking out for
each other a little bit maybe but it is
something to bear in mind if you
know a single parent if your next door neighbor is a single parent
it might be a nice idea every so often to just knock
(50:54):
on the door and say are you all right do you want me to come and
sit with the kids while you're going to have half an
hour to yourself or something would you like
a cup of tea this week rather than one microwave five
times like yeah yeah or do you just
want some like or you know adult conversation for
half an hour yeah would you like to talk about something
(51:14):
that doesn't revolve around an australian-speaking dog
yeah that's my life like my
life is a bluey episode bluey it's
like ours is sonic do you like to talk about something
other than sonic the hedgehog yes yeah please
i think that would be good and i think i'm gonna
do the same i think i'm gonna like definitely be more consciously aware of like
(51:39):
letting single parents and single working parents know that they're doing a
really good job because nobody's set out to be a single parent nobody you know has a baby or plans to.
Have a baby and plans to do it by themselves you know things happen like situations
change you know I ended up a single parent when Grace was a baby and I ended
(52:04):
up a single parent pregnant with Darcy so yeah you know it wasn't planned it
wasn't the way that it was supposed to be,
but we're making the best of our situation and I wouldn't change any of it I wouldn't even change.
Hard days I wouldn't change the stresses the frustrations I wouldn't change
(52:25):
the nights where I sit in bed and cry because I'm not sure I've done the right thing today or did I.
Or am I making the right choices am I doing
the best for my am I feeding them enough green vegetables like
and then when they get older it's like was I right to
give out about that should I let them do that or
are they old enough to do that you know am I right to
(52:47):
be strict about that yeah yeah am i giving her
too much responsibility am i not giving them enough yeah
does she have enough pain do i need to pull her
back in again is she too independent or not enough like
it is a never-ending cycle
but i wouldn't change any of it
like at all because it is my favorite
(53:08):
job in the history of the world is
being a parent but yeah you
might not be able to change big corporations from this
podcast but we can certainly change our own selves and
how we treat other single parents
going forward that's for sure and you know hopefully people that have listened
to this episode have are now going to go away feeling the same patting themselves
(53:33):
on the back a bit more if you know if you are a single parent yeah you know
and also So just give yourselves a round of applause.
Yeah, 100%. And if you're not a single parent, but you are a parent,
you know, again, give yourself a round of applause because just being a parent is tough.
But, you know, just be a bit kinder to ourselves. To each other.
(53:57):
Yeah. Yeah. But, you know. To each other and ourselves.
So, yeah, you know, thank you, everyone, for listening.
I think that's been a really good episode. I've really enjoyed that.
That and I hope everybody else has as well
don't forget you know we really
appreciate all of the support that we get on
these podcasts you know so please do give
(54:19):
us a like and a follow and if you don't already follow us
on Facebook and TikTok we do put stuff
on there quite regularly so feel free to give us a follow and if you like this
episode or you want to hear more stuff like this you know know leave us a review
that would be really awesome because we do read them and we do really like to
hear from everybody so thank you very much everyone and we will see you next week.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the Two Charlottes Spilled a Tea.
We have got a great episode for you tonight. And it's something that I hope
will resonate with a lot of people that listen to us.
So we wanted to talk a little bit about life as a single mom.
Kind of parenting struggles, really,
(00:21):
because it's something that we talk about a lot to each other with.
You know, both of us, I'm not a single mom anymore. I'm married, but I'm also a stepmom.
Mom and my husband is my son's stepdad
and Charlotte is a single mom at the moment
so we quite often talk about issues and
troubles that we come across you know parenting I have
(00:42):
a teenage son Charlotte has a teenage daughter and she also has her toddler
and I my stepchildren are nine and eleven so there's things that come up I mean
especially for me as a first-time boy mom there's There's things that come up
that I just, I have to talk to someone about.
And we were just saying to each other the other day, it's like,
(01:02):
you know what? A lot of this stuff, people just don't talk about.
And so many of us, without a doubt, so many of us go through such similar things.
And so we just really wanted to kind of highlight some awareness of just our
daily struggles and our daily kind of life situations and what we've been through.
(01:22):
And I suppose one thing that I wanted to start off
talking about today and one thing you know that resonates for both of
us is being a single mum and kind
of the struggles that come with being a single mum so I actually have two children my
eldest daughter is 24 and when I had her I was with her her dad for a little
I was going to say father then I thought that sounded very posh and I'm not
(01:44):
at all I was with her dad until until she was about six months old and if you've
heard some of our previous podcasts,
you'll, you'll, you'll know exactly what that relationship was all about and how hard it was.
So after I was with her dad, I was obviously a single parent and I was a single
parent for many, many years.
When I was first a single
(02:07):
parent when she was just a few months old I was on
benefits and I was not only
kind of miserable stuck on benefits and I
felt like I didn't have a lot of money at all and I could never do
anything I could barely afford to keep her
in nappies to be honest with you it was very hard financially
and I just wanted to get back to work I just wanted to go and
(02:27):
work you know and occupy my mind
as well and to just get out of that being
stuck at home all the time with my baby
and don't get me wrong I loved my daughter very much
I still do I love her very much but I needed some
kind of adult stimulation adult company someone
else to talk to that could actually string a sentence back to me so
(02:49):
my brain didn't feel like it was slowly turning into
baby much so going back to work was a really exciting time
for me and I I did get back into
work and I actually ended up with three different jobs because
I found it very hard to find a solid
job that I could do with reliable child
care and so I ended up with three different jobs one
(03:10):
for a couple of hours in the morning I had one for a couple of
hours in the afternoon and I had a job for four or
five hours in the evening so they were all doing different things but
it worked until it didn't so I started
to find when I tried to get a job that.
Was one solid job nine to five it was
impossible being a single parent having no one to
(03:32):
fall on for child care you know trying to
rely on my friends to mind her for me and you
know trying to afford to pay people to mind her for me
so I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of people I just
couldn't couldn't afford that long time it wasn't viable and it
was actually really really hard and then trying to
find people that could have her for that length of time it was
(03:54):
it was impossible and then when she started preschool it
was trying to find people that could pick her up after preschool you
know or drop her to preschool and it was it
was a constant source of stress and a battleground so I tried to find jobs that
I could fit the one in the morning when she was was at preschool fine I could
drop her at preschool go to work come back that was easy but it wasn't enough
(04:19):
money for me to live on and it didn't really work out with the benefit.
That you know it just I needed to earn more
money to make the benefits that would
accompany that worthwhile so then it was
finding people to have her in the afternoon and then
finding people that would sit at my house in the evening because
it was her bedtime and just sit in
(04:40):
my house each night it's not as simple as I'll
just get a childminder it's really not there's it's so much harder so things
were becoming more and more difficult and I was ending up having a lot of time
off work because I didn't have someone to mind her and I knew the people I worked
for was getting stressed out and that was making me stressed and it went on
for probably far too long and in the end.
(05:03):
I made a decision to stop working and to go on benefits. And oh my gosh, how awful was that?
It was, and you know what?
It was awful in the sense of how
I was made to feel by just the general public, not by my friends at all.
My friends thought that I made the right decision, but just the stigma that
(05:23):
comes with being a single mom on benefits and especially a single mom on benefits
that's like 20 years old, because you're so young.
You know you're you're so young compared to everyone else
and you just feel like you fall into that what's the
word uh stereotype it's like
a steric that's it stereotype and I
(05:43):
just felt so stereotyped I was so ashamed to tell when people say so what do
you do for a living oh well I don't actually work like I'm a full-time mum that
doesn't cut it people like what do you do when I'm a stay-at-home mum as if
it's you know not an important job as if it's nothing and I I really really struggled with that.
And I, you know, me now today, I wouldn't give two shits what anyone thought
(06:06):
about my parenting decisions or, you know, my choice to work or not.
But when you're that young as a parent, it can be really tough mentally.
And I did find it really tough, although it was, it was better for me to be
at home with Maya and to be able to take care of her and look after her.
I felt like I was just falling into this, you.
(06:27):
This bracket of, you know, stuck in this kind of government paid loophole of
being on benefits, never being able to get out of it.
And I did start to feel like that was, that was it.
That was my life. I was just going to be a mom, a single mom on benefits for the rest of my life.
And it was, it was really kind of hard going for me anyway.
(06:48):
Me no it is it is
really hard and like the the stereotype around
like single parents on
benefits is actually shocking because yeah
and what's really what's like really bad
right so from what you were just saying the worst part
of that is if you were married to
(07:11):
a man that earned loads of money and you said oh
I'm a full-time mum or I'm a stay-at-home mum you would
get the response of oh how lovely how wonderful
that you can do that but because you were a single stay-at-home
mom everyone's like oh so they're just scrounging off the
government not working can't be arsed lazy like
and that's that's so tragic for our like society it really is yeah so tragic
(07:38):
it really is and it hasn't like improved as time has gone on no it hasn't and
what's like because I you know I'm quite open about my situation.
Obviously, I am a single parent. I've got two kids and I am semi-successfully
co-parenting with my youngest daughter's dad.
(08:00):
Obviously, there's still places and things that we would like to make it better
and to work on, but current situations don't allow
for that but we are working through all of that and
but 90% of the time it is you know it is me and I do work but I do also claim
the benefits I'm entitled to but people are like oh they make those faces when
(08:26):
you're like you know oh I can you know I received this benefit or you know
yeah, I get that kind of, you know, grant for this, or I get that discount for that because of this.
And it's the faces you get off people. And I'm like, well, actually,
hang on a minute, because I pay tax on my income and then I claim the benefits.
(08:48):
So actually, like, I'm just getting monthly tax rebates as far as I'm concerned.
Like, I'm just getting my tax back that I'm already paying you know I do have
a job like but trying to work you know I work like semi full-time so I'm actually
really lucky in the sense that my boss is unbelievably flexible with my situation.
(09:10):
And that's something that I don't take for granted at all because I know that
a lot of other single parents that want to work really really struggle with
it but I am really lucky key that my boss understands that,
you know, it is just me and, you know, I've got to kind of work around the kids,
but even working like semi full time,
(09:34):
because I do work in the evenings at home, you know, I'm allowed to change my
hours to work around, you know, like preschool and, you know,
childcare and things like that.
But, you know, even trying to work with two kids as a single person,
you need that extra bit of help.
And I don't think there should be any shaming asking for that bit of financial
(09:55):
help, especially because I got my first job when I was 15.
So I've been working like...
For like 20 years I'm 35 now so I've
been working for like 20 years I took like two
years out after Grace was born because of all
of the problems I had I wasn't in
a fit state to be able to work you know with the like mental health problems
(10:19):
and the drug addiction having to go through all of that with Grace I wasn't
in a place to be able to actually hold down a job so I didn't work but But other
than that, I've consistently had a job.
So I don't think there's anything wrong if you are a single parent trying to work the best you can.
(10:40):
Whether it be you can only work the 15 hours that your kids are at preschool because they're young,
or you can only work on weekends when their dad has them,
or you've got a family member that will help you,
or you can work at home doing something
because then you can work around your kids and it's flexible or
(11:00):
whatever like if you need to take that extra bit
of help I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it and it
makes me really cross when people judge it it's that
it's that silent judgment isn't it the look that
you're saying about that look and you just know people are
judging you and you know even
when I was listening to you talking there and you're
(11:20):
explaining about how you've worked since you're 15 and it's
still that that fact that
you feel even now in this day and
age you have to explain yourself like that and you know the more I'm listening
to it and I'm thinking through like how people are it's just mad to me that
(11:41):
in this day and age there's still so much stigma around people needing to you
know have a benefit to help them needing help get through a hard time and,
being a single parent.
It's so hard in so many ways. Don't get me wrong.
It is the most rewarding job, but it's also the hardest job.
(12:02):
And I mean job in the world.
And the fact that people have to not only raise their children alone,
they then have to go out to work is tough.
And in the countries that we live in,
in these first world countries where we're supposed to have help and support,
courts obviously in an ideal world when you
(12:24):
have a child you you think that you're going to be happily ever
after with the person you have a child with and everything's going to work out
for the best you know people say like i've heard people say oh she's just having
another kid so she can claim more money oh and that that phrase is what's wrong
with society makes me so mad i I don't think,
(12:46):
I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think people do that kind of thing.
I think people genuinely think when they have a kid with someone that this is it.
This is going to be the moment that I settle down and, you know,
build a family and stay with this man or woman,
whoever you have a child with, that's going to, you know, help me and,
you know, provide for us and everything's going to be peachy creamy.
(13:10):
And I genuinely think that's how most people feel when that sort of thing happens.
And i don't think they go oh i'm gonna do this because i'm
gonna scrounge some more money off the government because i'm sorry
you try living on benefits it's hard i
mean like it's hard isn't it it's hard and now you know for people that aren't
aware the benefit system has a two children cap it doesn't matter how many kids
(13:35):
you have you only get paid for two so if if i was to have another child now,
I wouldn't get paid for that child till Grace turns 18 and no longer classes as a child.
So that phrase of, oh, they're just having more kids. I don't know what it's
like, actually. I'm going to just...
Backtrack I don't know what it's like in Ireland I don't know
(13:57):
if you have a two two child cap but in England we
have a two child cap on benefits
you can get not on child benefit that's the government thing that's that's regardless
of children but on the universal credit which is the benefit system everyone
goes on now is you only get support for two children so wow if I.
(14:22):
Had another one I wouldn't get paid for that child any
additional support until Grace turned
18 and became an adult so then I
wasn't wouldn't be getting any money for her so that
phrase of oh yeah they're just having more kids to get more money
off the government is is a load of bollocks if
(14:42):
I'm honest because it's not possible like disgusting phrase
as well yeah it makes me so
so mad as well when people think oh you know you're living on benefits
you're just like living the dream because you don't have to work
and you're just getting given money but you get given like under
minimum wage yeah it's it's lower
than I mean like the way they work it out over
(15:04):
here and the way it used to be worked out I'm pretty
sure I mean I can't really remember to be honest it was
a long time but I know the way they work it out over here
roughly is there's like depending on
whatever size of family there's like a like a basic
living wage of of an amount that they think you
need to live on a week and then I think what they do is give you like 60 percent
(15:27):
of that so when you're on benefit you're actually it's not the bare minimum
amount you need to live on it's 60 percent of the bare minimum amount you need
to live on so when you have to make that choice to be on benefits.
It's not a good choice to make.
It's not the easy way out either. It's not the easy way out. No.
(15:50):
It's for people that are in desperate situations or bad situations to make sure
that they don't starve or, you know, don't lose a roof over their head.
Just try and keep people afloat and going until they can do something to change their situation.
But in in many instances it
just it creates such a divide between say
(16:14):
like the working class and the middle class of people it creates such a financial
divide it just makes things so hard and and nobody wants to be kind of struggling
on benefits no one wants to not have enough money to go and get their nails
done or to you know go on a holiday to treat themselves especially when
you're working and having to claim benefits to top it up and you know you're
(16:35):
a single mom on top of that I mean we were working out kind of money what your
outgoings would be roughly a month.
And then what your incomings are a month. People are barely making ends meet
when they're having to claim.
It's UCC, is it, over there now?
Yeah, universal credit. So you see that we, I think there are still some people on the old system.
(16:59):
But as far as I'm aware, most people are being migrated over to the new system now.
And that's like, that's the kind of benefits payment, whether you've got a job
or not, isn't it? Yeah. It's UC.
It's all the same. So like if you don't have a job, you're on less than the
bare minimum that you need to live on.
And if you do have a job, you're probably in the exact same situation because
(17:21):
once you start earning a certain amount, it comes out of the money that you receive.
So when you're a single parent and you're in that situation, you then have the issue.
And I was shocked when you were telling me how expensive childcare was over there.
You then have the issue of how much childcare you
can actually afford to pay out of that money that you have to live on
(17:42):
a week and whether it is actually of any benefit to try and get a few extra
hours of work in a week or not this is it childcare is ridiculous and this is
this is why i'm so like i'm really grateful for my childcare situation so i'm
really lucky in the sense that
my mother-in-law Darcy's Nana was all like from day one,
(18:06):
when I found out I was pregnant, she was like, well, when you go back to work, I'll have her.
It's not a problem at all. Like it's not an issue.
You know, she, she's at home because she's got younger kids and she's a foster
carer. So she was like, absolutely not a problem.
So I, I'm really grateful in that situation that when I did go back to work,
(18:26):
I didn't have a childcare cost associated to it. You know, I.
I always send her to her Nana's with a packed lunch and bag with nappies in
and wipes in and all that kind of stuff.
But I never had like an actual cost associated to childcare,
(18:47):
but it only really kind of like opened my eyes to how hard it is when Darcy started preschool.
So we then, then as of
April this year if you're a working family and
you have a two-year-old you get 15 hours free child
care so that's so that's when we decided I was going
(19:08):
to put Darcy into preschool because she's so ready for it
and I was going to get the free 15 hours but
I got the bill for what it would have been for
this term if I didn't have 15 hours a week for free and it was was going to
be 1400 pounds for 15 hours a week now bearing in mind if you were to take into
(19:30):
account the pickup and drop off you could only actually work probably 12 hours a week.
13 if you worked close to the preschool that your child went to and you know
if you have to go through the settling in phase like I'm doing with Darcy where
it should be full days but it's half
(19:50):
days because we're doing settling sessions like how are you supposed to work around such a
small amount if you can't afford 1400 pounds a term to top up your child care
to make it full time like how are you supposed to go back to work so I'm not
surprised people make the decision to not work until their kids are at school
(20:12):
because you can't afford it child care is so expensive yeah,
yeah yeah it's crazy isn't it
and like even at that the if
it's free child care the cost of that is obviously coming out the
government yeah but because it's not classed as
a benefit benefit and it's for working families so everyone's like oh well they
(20:34):
were yeah that's why they get free child care they're paying into the system
but it's like it's just madness like as long as it's like Like as long as it's
not packaged as a benefit, then you're fine.
It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
You can't kind of do the right thing at all.
(20:56):
And it's so, I have found it so stressful being a single parent and just,
you know, not even with the working stuff aside,
even just the daily kind of being a single parent, because
even if you do have support systems around like you
do it's not the same because you're
(21:17):
the one person that's there day in
day out you put to bed you do the breakfast you're there
you know if they fall over and cut themselves you wipe
up their messes when they're eating you teach them how to
use their cutlery it there's I mean
it's just endless you're tidying up after them you get to see
them at their best and their worst and there's nobody
(21:39):
around you to to share that
with you to share that burden to share that workload to share
the happiness the joy the tears the frustration all
of it and like I know like in in your case you're very clear that you've got
your mother-in-law you know who's very helpful but it's still and I think that's
(21:59):
brilliant don't get me wrong I'm not knocking that at all I think it's fantastic
that you have that because Because I didn't have that with,
I had it a bit with Maya,
but I didn't have it so much with Max.
And it can be really hard when you're trying to, when you don't have like,
I would class her as family.
She's a mother-in-law, she's family. And when you don't have family around,
(22:19):
like when I came over to Ireland, I have no family over here. It's just me.
And so it's just the people that I've made friends with. And I always feel like
I'm imposing on people that are my friends.
And don't get me wrong, I had a couple of friends in particular that were so
good in helping me with Max when I was working. working when I had my pizza shops and stuff.
(22:42):
And it wasn't until, you know, and I had to take him to work with me so often, so often.
And it wasn't until it was suggested to me that he, you know,
really needed me at home.
He's ASD, so he's on the spectrum.
And so I ended up giving up work and I care for him and he needed it. He really did.
Me staying at home with him has been just
(23:06):
huge in his progress yeah the best
thing I could have done but it still
comes with that stigma I still feel like I
can't really talk about you know
my income and stuff like that because I feel like there's a
lot of stigma attached to it and and it
was so hard trying to especially with him
(23:27):
having additional needs and stuff and I just I
really struggled and I did feel very alone through a
lot of it and it can be a really hard feeling and
I think even when you do what my point is even when you
do have people that are there like I have my friends with
Max I have my family around with Maya even when
you have those people there they're not the parent they're not the one doing
(23:51):
it all and trying to juggle all of that with a job is incredibly hard it's incredibly
demanding and And I don't think we talk enough about the demands it places on the parent.
There's so much, oh, what do you say?
Like, it's like, you feel like you've got to do the right thing.
(24:12):
You know, as a parent, you're always like, I've got to do the right thing.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right thing to do?
And then, you know, I need to work. I need to make sure I'm working.
And even if that's just to show my kids, you know, this is what they should
be doing and to be a good example and stuff like that. But we put so much pressure on ourselves.
And I think that single parents, especially single parents, deserve a bit of
(24:34):
a break from that stigma and that pressure.
And, you know, I think there are a lot more ways that we could be helping people
who are single parents in our communities as well with, you know,
after-school clubs or things that are maybe...
Aimed at taking the pressure off parents i mean i don't know
(24:56):
i'm just freestyling with this here but i feel like
there's a lot more we could be doing in our communities if there's
single parents that aren't working and are happy to
stay at home perhaps the government could do
initiatives where they could run child care
creches that are free for other single parents only
you know perhaps there could be more initiatives looked
(25:17):
at like that way communities want to help each other
yeah you know and I said
it would I think it'd be good if there was stuff like
that because you know at the end of the day no nobody
starts out wanting to be a single
parent nobody intends to be a single
parent you know that's you don't intend
(25:38):
to put this much pressure on yourself you don't intend to start
out having to be the only one and
you know like you said I'm really grateful because I do have
you know my mother-in-law to help
me out with child care and I you know
I kind of co-parenting with Darcy's dad you know it's it's different with Grace's
(25:59):
dad we you know he has no involvement but she is 16 so it is a lot easier in
that sense you know child care doesn't seem to be an issue with a 16 year old
you know and I have like I do have my mum granted she lives
in South Africa, but she is on the other end of the phone if I need to just vent about stress.
But it is really like, it is tough when it's just you, because the.
(26:23):
The responsibility falls on you. You know, you want to make sure that you're
setting a good example. You're being a good role model.
You're doing everything right. You're taking care of all their needs.
You're hitting all of the bases. You're helping your child hit every milestone
at the correct age that they should be.
And, you know, like encouraging them to do all those things.
(26:45):
And, you know, should she know her colors by now? Should she know her letters by now?
Like you're are always putting that pressure on yourself.
But then on top of that, you have sleepless nights. If you have a kid that doesn't
sleep, you then have to go through all the different phases of children.
You know, you go through the teething phase, you go through the sleep regressions,
(27:07):
you go through the separation anxiety, you know, you go through all of those things.
And when you're a single parent, it doesn't matter how many friends or family
you have around you, you still go to bed at night by yourself wondering whether
or not did I do the right thing?
Because it all falls on you, regardless of how many people you have around.
(27:31):
And like and I do feel and you
know it's never an imposition with my mother-in-law to have Darcy and she tells
me all the time but even I feel like I'm putting her out by asking her to have
Darcy like you know at the moment obviously we're doing all the kind of settling
(27:52):
with preschool so it's it's like half days.
So it's like I'll drop her off in the morning and then I go to work and then
I pick her up and then it's, oh, well, can I bring her over to yours so I can
go back to work for a few hours?
And I'm like, I'm always like, are you sure? As long as it's OK,
it's not an inconvenience. Like, I don't want to be an inconvenience.
Like, I don't want to be putting you out. Like, I'm always feeling bad about it.
(28:13):
Yeah. And though, you know, she always tells me not to.
Like, she's always like, no, I absolutely don't mind.
I love having her, blah, blah, blah. like she's absolutely fine with
it but you just feel like you're putting people out all
the time and yeah I'm like you know
I've contemplated so many times being like would it
just be easier if I just didn't work until Darcy was at school because then
(28:36):
I would just not have to worry about this stuff and then I'm like no because
then you'll have been out of work for five years and no one's gonna hire you
let's be honest like you know it's such a hard situation to be in where I'm like, oh my God,
like you doubt yourself 24 seven. You literally do.
And we don't give single parents enough credit for how hard it is.
(29:00):
Even if you do have friends and family that will help you out with,
you know, childcare and looking after them and help you do things like,
it is so hard being a single parent, the most rewarding job.
And I genuinely wouldn't change it for a second, but it's rough like it's not
for the thing it is it's really rough and you know what you were saying there
(29:24):
about like stressing out about putting people out that's a everyday stress.
It's a constant every single day stress and you you constantly feel like you're
putting people out like I used to feel the very same with Max and with Maya
constantly having this stress and And that's just one of many stresses that
is constantly in the back of your head as a single parent.
(29:48):
And if you don't have a lot of stress in your head a lot of the time,
you can't really fathom what it feels like to have little things like that just
constantly whirring around in the back of your brain.
It's like a constant semi-state of anxiety about certain things.
Yeah, and it can really put a lot of pressure on you. and everything that you
(30:12):
were saying there, like the sleepless nights and, you know, all of that sort
of thing, it's really hard work.
I did find it a lot harder with Max because obviously his additional needs.
Yeah. And, you know, when it was suggested to me,
that he has additional needs it would be much better for you to not be working.
(30:35):
It was almost like a bit of relief for me in a
way because I was like you know how hard it has been how hard
it has been to juggle everything that I'm
doing and that is when people say it's a
juggling act it really is a juggling act oh yeah it's
so many balls in the air at the same time and when
you're worried you know like I used to think oh
(30:56):
because I get a phone call from the the school you know
oh Max hasn't been collected and I'd
ring the the crash that he was at and they say oh god sorry
we forgot I'm like oh
my god you know so there'd be things so then I'd have to leave work and go and
collect him even though it'd been organized and I felt like then I felt like
the school probably think that I'm useless and haven't organized a crash to
(31:19):
come and collect him my work probably thinks that I'm useless because I had
even though I had it was just out.
Of my hands but then there'd be you know days when
we'd have to go in and he wouldn't have slept at night time
because of issues that we'd have at home
I wouldn't have slept I'd be absolutely wrecked he didn't
want to go into school then I'm like I can't really afford to take
(31:40):
another day of work this week because if I take another day
off then I'm down another like 60 euros and then
I don't have enough money to cover all my bills this week and that's
a big like that's a big pressure as well there's only
so many days off that you can have or hours out
of work that you can have before it then affects the
rest of everything and then you have to start worrying well if I can't
(32:02):
pay that bill for this week where am I going to take the
money from to cover that and then you start getting into this really bad cycle
so when that was suggested to me it was such a relief but at the same time you
know it meant a massive kind of pay cut and a lot of different issues arise
from that so there's a so much stigma to you know being a single mom and I have to say.
(32:28):
You know, since meeting my husband and getting married, it has taken a lot of
that weight off of my mind.
So I have a lot of respect for single parents because I know I'm not a single
parent now, but I have definitely been there.
And I know how hard it can be.
And how I just wish that the general public would, you know,
(32:50):
take a minute to appreciate the work that single parents do.
And instead of just, oh, look, she's on benefits. if it's, you know,
I actually think like, what are you saying here? You know, these people need help.
They've got it hard enough as it is. You know, it's like, yeah,
if you take away like, because obviously like financial stresses is something
that everybody feels, especially,
(33:13):
in the world we're living in at the moment with the cost of living crisis,
utility bills are always going up, food bills are going up, everything is more
expensive, but wages are staying the same.
So, you know, like kind of broadening what we're saying, financial stress doesn't
just fall on single parents, but if you're struggling in a couple,
(33:35):
try being a single income and struggle.
Like when you've still got the same amount of mouths to feed,
you know, if you're a married couple with two kids, you have both work,
you've got two incomes and you're struggling, then try being a single income
with two kids and you've still got all the same stuff to pay for like you still
(33:55):
have all the same bills you still have all the same school costs and like food
costs and all of this stuff and.
It's it's just never-ending like it
is a constant thing and like financial stress
for me is something that massively triggers my mental health that's a huge thing
(34:16):
for me like when I feel like I can't pay for things it's like my kind of PTSD
trigger comes in of you're losing control of everything you're going to lose
everything even if I just you know can't pay a petrol bill or something
stupid like my whole world falls apart but I'm not really sure I was going with
(34:37):
that I've just lost my train of thought over financial stress and when you were
saying that I was gonna say.
You know again that just brings it back to sort of
what I was saying like if there's two of you in a house but
say like you said two kids both parents working
if you have a bad few nights with your
(34:59):
child or there's something going on oh your
child is sick or the creche doesn't collect them one of
you can can take the time off without
it being that much of a financial issue say like if you have to have four hours
off in one day and then the next day off right so you might be down 100 quid
for the for that time off that week yes it's stressful i'm not saying it isn't
(35:21):
but you have the other person's wage coming into the house as well when you're a single parent on
your own, that hundred pounds down means that you're not paying something that week,
which means that for the next three or four weeks, you'll be behind on that money.
And you're trying to chop it and change it and match it up from somewhere,
which then means that if you have any days in those next three or four weeks
(35:41):
where suddenly you have to go and collect your child or something is wrong.
That's it you're thrown out for months and before you know it
you have to get a loan or you have to get an overdraft or you know you
use your credit card and it's such a hard cycle to be in yeah and it is and
there are so many people that really really struggle in that like again you
(36:02):
know I can't stress enough where I'm not you know I'm not trying to say that
you know oh look at me I'm so
lucky, but I have the flexibility that I can work at home.
So if I do have to, you know, like at the moment where I have to kind of take
45 minutes ish out of the day to go and pick Darcy up and drop her off,
(36:22):
I can then make that time up in the evening. But not everyone has that luxury.
You know, I just have the luxury that my job can be done, you know, from home.
But some people in like retail or hospitality
or you know nhs or public services
or anything like that or our teachers or
you know anything like that you don't have
(36:44):
the luxury of being like oh well i've got to nip out for an
hour but i'll just i'll just sign back on this evening and do
an hour and make it up you don't have that luxury so
if you're in that kind of profession and you're
a single person you've got no one else that can kind of help
you out with collecting a sick child or taking time off
if they're poorly or you know the creche doesn't
(37:05):
pick them up or the nursery's closed because they've had a
flood and you've got no one that can have your kids like and you don't have
the ability to make up the time that's a huge stressor and there's nothing that
helps anybody out in that situation it's very much like well you chose to have
kids so you're gonna have to deal with it see you later bye.
(37:27):
Yeah so yeah like just
kind of on that on that note like I do think
you know there needs to be more done to help single
parents but single working parents for sure and like
you know there's there's so many massive companies
out there that could do more to.
Help the working parents they have you know things like
(37:49):
you know putting child care on
on site like creating creches and
daycares that you can work and drop
your kids off on site so you can you know
start your shift and drop the kids off there and
then you know that they're there they're happy they're safe
you can work and there's not then going
(38:10):
to be any kind of commute from child care to work and
vice versa you know and like massive companies
could afford to do that and they you know they they could
even kind of subsidize it with you know taking a
small percentage from your wages if you use the daycare and
I think they'd probably find a
hell of a lot more like single parents
(38:32):
and even just working parents in general finding
it easier to be like okay yeah
I can go back to work full-time because you know
child care is included with where I work and you
know I don't need to worry about the whole commuting from the
preschool or the child minders to work and factoring
(38:53):
that in with the hours you're available I think
it would just make would just take the pressure off massively.
Would it even but.
Even just listening to that just I can just I feel like it's lifting the pressure
off you know I remember how hard it was for me with Maya and then with Max constantly
(39:15):
having to rely on on my friends and having to would you mind having them would
you mind that That was a huge amount of stress, just having to ask people,
could you pick him up from creche today? I'm on a late shift.
Just knowing that you will always have that solid, safe relationship,
crash there that solid safe child care you could go in you could do a six hour shift,
(39:38):
seven hour shift fine no problem because the child care is right there you know if anything is wrong,
then they're going to see it right there where you work if your child gets sick
they're going to know straight away there's going to be it's going to be just
so much less hassle less stress.
Less kind of like you said the commuting everything that just so much easier
(39:59):
and if If there'd been something like that available for me when I,
you know, went back into work, it would have been a godsend.
I could have done the job that I wanted to do instead of doing three different
jobs, you know, running around like a mad thing, trying to get to my different
jobs and getting, picking my hair up from here, dropping her off to there,
doing this, that and the other.
(40:20):
It was just so stressful. And I think I definitely agree,
you know, for working single parents, there needs to be a lot more initiatives
and help and support because, I mean, it's hard being a single parent on benefits
because you really struggle with funds.
But sometimes it's the easier option than going back.
(40:41):
To work because it's just it's there's so many things
to juggle as a single parent going back into work and if you
could have something like that i mean it would it
would be life-changing for a lot of people oh yeah
actually life-changing and it would
be a huge like what's the word not
like a like a turn on but you know i mean it would be a huge thing for
(41:02):
a company to be able to offer that yeah a massive incentive
incentive to make you that's the word yeah want want
to go there yeah if you're you know a
single parent and you're like right so I've got you know
a two-year-old for example so you're looking
at jobs and you're like right I need to work around this I can get them in
preschool here for this hours and you're looking at
(41:23):
the hours and is it flexible and could I remote work and
this that and the other and then you see on the advert on-site child
care you'd be like problem solved
resolved yeah yeah and they might say oh
look it'll cost you a pound out of every every hour's
wages i'd be like yep yeah i'd be like cool because you'd be paying that anyway
(41:44):
paying somewhere else you know and the government could still give their 15
hours subsidized exactly and it could just go towards that yeah you know you
could still do like because full-time.
Like childcare, so obviously outside of, you know, if this was obviously on
site, it would be office hour childcare, but normally it's like 30 hours a week is classed as full time.
(42:08):
So you could get your 15 hours subsidised through the government funding,
and then you pay for the other 15 hours.
And if you're only being docked like a pound an hour out of your wages there
in daycare, you're only losing 15 pound a week, but you're saving a fortune
because you can work full time.
You have your child on site with you you don't
(42:29):
have any additional commuting costs because you're going there anyway because
that's where you work and not only are you kind of saving money and you know
having less driving around and all of that stuff it's actually probably going
to be working wonders for your mental health massive because think of how many you know how much.
(42:50):
Less stressful it would be if you
knew that you could drive to one place where you could
drop your child off in child care and
then go to work and you can do drop your
child off in child care walk through the double doors put on
your apron and go off in and you're in work exactly and
then you can do your shift and come back pick your
(43:11):
child up and go home like it would
and I just sounds so stress-free it would
help get so many it would help get
the single parents who don't have the luxuries
that I have of having you know a
family member who's willing to help me out
that I can go back to work like but even even
(43:33):
at that right if you had this opportunity I would
imagine you would choose this or over having to keep asking your mother-in-law
you know having her had this day this day this day because I know I if I had
someone you know if I say my mom or my mother-in-law whatever was was here and
someone I could ask I would still rather.
(43:55):
Organize it myself and do it through a proper channel
then be what I would feel would be putting on someone
I don't want to put on them yeah I don't want even and I'm
sure that they don't think that at all no but it's just
it's what you think in your head isn't it how you feel
isn't it like because I yeah I've literally said it
to Debbie so many times like oh I'm so sorry like is this
(44:16):
okay like I feel like it's such an inconvenience and
she always comes back with it's not a problem like i'm
happy to have her like this is not an issue you know spending
time with my grandchild is not an inconvenience but
in my head i'm like well but you still
feel like it is so i have to organize
this she's my responsibility and i feel bad i'm
(44:38):
like having to ask and we cannot be
the only two people in the world that feel this way i
if we are money on it that every other single
parent you know that is the full-time parent
feels this way yeah and if we are the
only two people on the planet then i think we just
need to give up now we're doing it wrong we're doing
(45:01):
parenting wrong yeah we went
wrong somewhere yeah we need to
like restore store factory settings but I do
I do also think that you know we need
to give single parents
a bit of slack and we need to give single working.
(45:22):
Parents a bit more like credit where credit is due because it is you know being.
A parent is like my favorite thing in the whole world like I'm so I'm so grateful
for both of my kids and it is my favorite job,
but it is a really tough one because you are...
(45:46):
You know responsible for another human coming into
the world and coming into society and you
it's a massive responsibility and i
don't think i don't think pet like people fully
get it if you don't have kids i don't think you understand the
magnitude of being a parent i mean
(46:06):
they're your whole world yeah like one so
not only do you you have your normal problems like
what every adult adult has you have the
problems that are associated with being a parent
and that is the worry and the stress of
everything that goes in with parenting and it is
a lot of worry and stress as amazing as it is it is a lot of worry and stress
(46:28):
for the pure simple fact that that that child is your world and you will do
everything you can to give them the very best of it well yeah one and that's
a lot of pressure that's so much pressure that's not even taking into account making sure that you
teach them, you know, right from
wrong and you handle all different things that come up in the right way,
(46:51):
you know, like, and I know we're going to do another podcast when it comes to
like parenting teenagers.
Because that's a whole different kettle of fish.
And the difference between parenting a teenage boy to a teenage girl is very different.
Like, you know, but when you you
have to deal with the things that happen in their life and like
how you handle just the day
(47:13):
to day stresses of making sure that you're
doing the right thing and you're giving them you know the
right boundaries and the right tools and you're giving them enough love but
you're also making sure they've got a clean house and a happy home and they've
got all the things that they need but also remembering to give yourself all
the things that you need because oh let's be honest Most of us don't.
(47:39):
We don't like we honestly don't give ourselves all
the things we need because we give so much to everything
else there's quite often not enough and there's
quite often like for me i know that sometimes i just go to bed and there is
nothing left of me to be like oh i'm gonna you know do some self-care now i'm
(47:59):
gonna yeah myself i'm gonna watch my programs and drink a cup of tea i'm like
no it is one o'clock in the morning i just want to get into bed and sleep work i need to go to bed
now like you know and you can guarantee that'll
be the night that at two o'clock in the morning there's a
knock at the door and yeah something's happened
(48:19):
or you know Darcy will.
Wake up and demand that the only place she can
sleep is inside my pajamas because apparently that's
what she likes to do now and I'm like oh.
So I'm not sleeping for the rest of the night because you're now
completely in my personal space and yeah.
You know i have a king-size bed but she insists
(48:41):
on sleeping attached to me all over it like
you know and it is one of those like i
don't if you wake up to a child ill in the middle of the
night and you have to strip down beds clean up sick
or bathe the child dry them put new
sheets on the bed get them back into bed and by the time you
get back into bed it's half four or five in the morning and then you're like
(49:01):
right i've got got to be awake in half an hour exactly and then
you have to get up and get them breakfast and organize them
and get off for the day and then do it
all over again like you know that was me long like
a couple of weeks ago when Darcy had the chicken pox and she was puking
everything I think I went through every single
bed set that I own and then ended
(49:23):
up sleeping with no bed sets on and sleeping
on towels because we ran out yeah sick and
you're stripping beds in the middle of the night and it is just like it's
so draining it really is but
you know and I just don't think we give a give them
enough credit and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit so I think
we need to just like a minute to actually be like do you know
what like we do so much
(49:45):
and actually like I think we should be really proud of what we do and how we
achieve it I actually agree I 100% agree and you know what I think from now
on I'm going to be a little bit more proactive with of shouting out people that
I know are single parents and saying to me, you know, every so often just like.
You know, you're doing a good job. Be like, you're actually touching this.
(50:09):
Yeah, yeah. Because I'm definitely guilty of being so wrapped up in my own crap that I don't like.
And I think a lot of us are. We don't give pause to other people and what they're
going through a lot of the time.
And we get so wrapped up in what we're going through that I think,
and I don't know, right, this is going off track a little bit.
But I don't know if stuff like COVID is to blame for that because we were all so isolated for so long.
(50:32):
It's like we we've kind of got so wrapped up
in ourselves that we've forgotten the kind
of meaning of community and and looking out for
each other a little bit maybe but it is
something to bear in mind if you
know a single parent if your next door neighbor is a single parent
it might be a nice idea every so often to just knock
(50:54):
on the door and say are you all right do you want me to come and
sit with the kids while you're going to have half an
hour to yourself or something would you like
a cup of tea this week rather than one microwave five
times like yeah yeah or do you just
want some like or you know adult conversation for
half an hour yeah would you like to talk about something
(51:14):
that doesn't revolve around an australian-speaking dog
yeah that's my life like my
life is a bluey episode bluey it's
like ours is sonic do you like to talk about something
other than sonic the hedgehog yes yeah please
i think that would be good and i think i'm gonna
do the same i think i'm gonna like definitely be more consciously aware of like
(51:39):
letting single parents and single working parents know that they're doing a
really good job because nobody's set out to be a single parent nobody you know has a baby or plans to.
Have a baby and plans to do it by themselves you know things happen like situations
change you know I ended up a single parent when Grace was a baby and I ended
(52:04):
up a single parent pregnant with Darcy so yeah you know it wasn't planned it
wasn't the way that it was supposed to be,
but we're making the best of our situation and I wouldn't change any of it I wouldn't even change.
Hard days I wouldn't change the stresses the frustrations I wouldn't change
(52:25):
the nights where I sit in bed and cry because I'm not sure I've done the right thing today or did I.
Or am I making the right choices am I doing
the best for my am I feeding them enough green vegetables like
and then when they get older it's like was I right to
give out about that should I let them do that or
are they old enough to do that you know am I right to
(52:47):
be strict about that yeah yeah am i giving her
too much responsibility am i not giving them enough yeah
does she have enough pain do i need to pull her
back in again is she too independent or not enough like
it is a never-ending cycle
but i wouldn't change any of it
like at all because it is my favorite
(53:08):
job in the history of the world is
being a parent but yeah you
might not be able to change big corporations from this
podcast but we can certainly change our own selves and
how we treat other single parents
going forward that's for sure and you know hopefully people that have listened
to this episode have are now going to go away feeling the same patting themselves
(53:33):
on the back a bit more if you know if you are a single parent yeah you know
and also So just give yourselves a round of applause.
Yeah, 100%. And if you're not a single parent, but you are a parent,
you know, again, give yourself a round of applause because just being a parent is tough.
But, you know, just be a bit kinder to ourselves. To each other.
(53:57):
Yeah. Yeah. But, you know. To each other and ourselves.
So, yeah, you know, thank you, everyone, for listening.
I think that's been a really good episode. I've really enjoyed that.
That and I hope everybody else has as well
don't forget you know we really
appreciate all of the support that we get on
these podcasts you know so please do give
(54:19):
us a like and a follow and if you don't already follow us
on Facebook and TikTok we do put stuff
on there quite regularly so feel free to give us a follow and if you like this
episode or you want to hear more stuff like this you know know leave us a review
that would be really awesome because we do read them and we do really like to
hear from everybody so thank you very much everyone and we will see you next week.
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