December 9, 2025 • 44 mins
In Episode 64 of Think Like a Pancreas—The Podcast, Integrated Diabetes Services clinician Kristi Paguio sits down with Amy Sczepanski to discuss her remarkable mental health journey.
Amy candidly reflects on her experiences moving beyond suicide attempts to building a fulfilling life, highlighting pivotal moments that reshaped her path. The conversation delves into the transformative power of therapy, emphasizing the importance of addressing both mental and physical aspects of healing.
Together, Kristi and Amy explore how unconditional love, effective medication, and actively seeking support from the medical community play essential roles in overcoming despair and fostering well-being.
Listeners gain insight into the significance of self-acceptance, the value of supportive relationships, and practical strategies for nurturing mental health while living with type 1 diabetes.
Important Notice: This episode contains frank discussions about mental health crises, including suicide, as well as strong language.
MEET YOUR HOST AND HER GUEST:Kristi Paguio LMSW, CDCES, CSOWM is a licensed clinical social worker, diabetes care and education specialist, and certified specialist in obesity and weight management. Kristi has been working in the field of diabetes since 2007 and has had the privilege of working with people across the lifespan who are impacted by diabetes. She has experience working with adults, children, athletes, pregnancy, and weight management.
Kristi was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 2000 and has specialized in the mental and emotional aspects of diabetes since that time.
Amy Sczepanski has been navigating life with diabetes since 1997 and is now adventuring her way from the redwoods of Eureka, California to her new home in Pennsylvania. Amy brings energy, empathy, and a sense of humor to her new role at Integrated Diabetes Services working with clients and clinicians alike. She is a proud cat mom, avid lover of all things outdoors, and is happily diving into work that she loves.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:✔️How people hide their emotional pain behind their diabetes.
✔️Mental health struggles are hard to discuss with others.
✔️ When your mental health isn’t doing well, your diabetes won’t be doing well either.
✔️Professional therapy is more valuable than you think.
✔️There is no shame in taking medication for your brain health.
CHAPTERS
00:15 Welcome and introductions
03:10 Introduction to Amy's Journey
07:35 The Turning Point: A Cry for Help
13:26 Finding the helpers
15:22 Amy’s path of self abuse
18:42 The baby steps to Amy's healing journey
23:06 The Power of Shared Stories
25:33 Diabetes is the burden, not you!
27:57 Finding the right tools with your healthcare team
31:51 Tips for improved mental and physical well-being
35:13 The IDS team gets it
39:01 Final thoughts
RESOURCES:Jenny Smith, Integrated Diabetes Services
CONNECT WITH US🔵Website: integrateddiabetes.com
🔵 Follow on Social Media: @integrated_diabetes_services and @ integrateddiabetesservices on Facebook
WORK WITH US:If you’re looking for real, personalized support for life with diabetes, you’re in the right place. Our team brings 269+ years of lived experience and 172+ years of professional expertise to the table—and we don’t say “we get it” lightly. Nearly 90% of our clinicians live with type 1 diabetes themselves, so when we talk about carb counting at midnight or troubleshooting a stubborn sensor… we’ve been there. If you want guidance from people who understand the science and the lived reality, give us a call or schedule an appointment anytime: https://integrateddiabetes.com/appointments/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:15):
Welcome to Think Like a Pancreas The Podcast where our goal is to keep you informed, inspired, and a little entertained on all things diabetes.
The information contained in this program is based on the experience and opinions of the Integrated Diabetes Services clinical team.
Please discuss any changes to your treatment plan with your personal health care provider before implementing.
(00:38):
Hi everybody. Welcome to the Integrated Diabetes Think Like a Pancreas podcast.
I'm Kristi Paguio and I'm with Amy Sczepanski and Amy's here today to tell a really important part of her journey with diabetes that involves part of her mental health journey.
(00:59):
Amy, maybe you would say it differently or better.
Well, let me share a little bit.
I'm a mental health professional who specializes in diabetes. Myself,
I've lived with type 1 for over 25 years and love to delve into the light-hearted parts of diabetes and also the harder parts of life with diabetes that intersects with mental health a lot of times.
(01:24):
So I heard Amy tell a little bit of her story and wanted to partner with her on this to be a support, not to her, but just to her and to other people that I've had the fortune to have them entrust their stories with me.
Yeah, I think one of the biggest things I've seen over probably the last six years is just everyone is dealing with something and you know some things are maybe a little easier to talk about than other things.
(01:54):
Some things are very heavy and you know like how would you bring it up or how would you talk about it?
But I just have seen from my own journey how much I've benefited from other
people telling me their stories and I think ultimately that is where
I'm coming from with this and I've had a similar podcast where I kind of talked
(02:17):
about stuff but I feel like now I'm in in a better place but also have kind of
learned the steps to healing and to you know getting on medication and
finding the things that have really aided me in the healing process and
(02:38):
before, you know, before this time it was like, buck up little beaver! Like don't
think about it too much push ahead be busy and that you know that in itself
can be a downfall just because it can cause you to just go so fast that you're
not stopping and maybe sitting in the pain and sitting in the uncomfortableness
(03:00):
of what you're dealing with and actually putting a name on it.
The listeners probably want to hear what happened and then also what did you learn about yourself and what you needed to learn through that and what did you need to keep in your life as sort of like a web of support?
(03:21):
Yeah well I grew up in a very conservative home. My dad was a pastor and
it's so difficult because it's like you grow up and there are so many good
memories and there's so many good things. I look back like the backpacking trips
we did with our parents and the family barbecues and you know there's certain
(03:43):
aspects that I'm like I had a very good upbringing. My parents loved me and I
know that, but then there was the side of that that was, you're very involved in
the church and what the church is doing and other people, not necessarily my
parents were speaking into my life as well and I was in my early 30s, so I hit
(04:09):
a point where I'm a full-grown adult I have a mind of my own and I I think I
finally realized I wasn't using that and wasn't being able to think for myself I
was told what to think and how to think and how to believe and I believed
because the Bible said it or because this person brought-- you know, and I'm not
(04:30):
saying any of those things are wrong. I have a very different view of it now but
that point in my life I hadn't been in a relationship. Hadn't dated. The church did
courtship. So it was very old-fashioned and you know very different from what
any of my peers had grown up like. It was definitely a different experience to
(04:53):
compare to people my age and I think that was kind of the marking point. I met
someone and ultimately started a relationship with this person and didn't
tell anyone about it. It was under the scenes and I think my breaking point is,
I knew I knew what I was doing was wrong because I was lying, but then I also knew
(05:18):
it was wrong that at 30, 31 years old that I couldn't just choose what I
wanted to choose and and not have people either judge me for it or tell me it was
wrong whether or not the person I was with was someone that was good to be
with? It was my choice and looking back now and with the experience and the
(05:42):
knowledge I have now, I wasn't making a good choice. Didn't really even have the
tools to make that choice correctly and I think now I know I would I would have
chosen a different path if I had known now what I know now I wouldn't, I don't
think I would have chosen the road that I went down, but I did and I really
(06:05):
struggled because I was going against what I believed at the time. Months of
kind of sneaking around and not telling people and my whole friend group didn't
know and then what eventually happened is I lost my virginity and that was kind of
my breaking point of like, okay, this is okay. We're gonna get married and this is
(06:28):
gonna be okay. Everything that's happening is is gonna get closed up in
a little box and a bow is gonna be tied on and that wasn't the case and at that
point I had lost a lot of weight. I was like not doing well. Just mentally I was
juggling two different jobs and school events and meetings and church and all
(06:52):
the different practices and music things and I think one of the biggest
things the church did was to keep us busy. You know so we didn't have time, I don't-- not
even necessarily to get in trouble, but just like keep the young people busy. I
hit a very low point and then at that point the person I was, you know, in love
(07:13):
with, that was my first love, he told me, like, this isn't gonna work. I can't do
this anymore. It's all this pressure of this, you know, the secret relationship
and like I'm, I'm done. I don't view you the same way that I did. I care about you.
I can't-- I will never love you the same way. And I think that was was my turning
(07:34):
point where I realized everything put my eggs in a basket and I had nothing else. Like all my...
You had been going out on a limb to be in this relationship outside of the
structure that you'd grown up and now it was-- and it was gonna be okay if you put
(07:55):
a bow on it and got married, but then I wonder if it started to feel like that was crumbling and...
Yeah it was. Yeah it really was. Like I was, I was not eating. I
wasn't hungry. I wasn't sleeping. I was drinking. I just was doing all these very
(08:19):
quiet things, so like, people that knew me well knew something was wrong. My parents
knew something was wrong. I'm high. I'm low. Like you-- but you can blame it on your
diabetes. Like it was easy-- it wasn't easy to cover things, but I did it in a way
that I was like, I'm dealing with stuff. I'm just dealing with health stuff. I'm
tired. Like, you know, and covered the fact that I was emotionally unhealthy,
(08:43):
not doing well. Struggling really for my life. I hit a point where I-- I hit a point
where I was just like, I'm so tired and I'm so done. Like I would pray like, Lord
let me go to sleep and let me not wake up. Like I didn't, I didn't want...I was
just tired. I didn't necessarily like want to kill myself or die, but I didn't
(09:08):
I really just I felt like I couldn't go on and then in that time frame that was
early, probably early at 2019 and I, um, attempted suicide with insulin. Definitely
that was a very low point and I didn't tell anyone at first because my mom
(09:34):
somehow has spider senses and she came in and she they didn't know what was
going on. They just thought it was a low and she treated me and you know it
was, waking up the next morning was just really hard because it was like, damn it!
That didn't work. Like that was, that was my out. Like I don't-- I didn't know what
(09:56):
to do and so I didn't say anything to anyone and was just a hot mess. Like you
know I wasn't I wasn't showing up for music and church meetings on time and I
I just was struggling and so I attempted again. And again it was in the evening
and my a parent came in. One of my parents because I was living at home at
(10:19):
the time came in and, I didn't, you know, again didn't say anything. Didn't feel
like I had the space to. And then it came out and I told my dad and it was kind of
was was a scene because then people in the church found out. It became not just
something that I was struggling with, getting the help of like a physician or
(10:42):
a mental health you know advisor. I was feeling very, like, someone told me kill..
sue... If you kill yourself or attempt suicide or you know you'll end up in
hell. Like I had one person tell me that from the church and that upset my
mother. Everyone has their own beliefs.
(11:06):
Over simplification.
Yeah and it was like I, just I had hit a point where I didn't even care. I didn't want to keep going. My closest and best friend didn't even know what I was going through and she got
engaged and then I'm just like fuck like everything and everyone else's life
is going well and I'm doing terrible here and no one knows, but few people knew
(11:27):
what I really was struggling with. I don't even think my best friend really even knew.
Even though your relationship is falling apart and her relationship is moving towards engagement.
Yeah. Yeah and you know and it was, it's a, it's hard to talk
about it and I feel like only people that are in a culture like that, cuz I
(11:48):
know not every church is like that, but like just a very strict and a culture of you
know religion is-- Jesus is number one and there's nothing inside or outside of
that and stepping outside of that system-- I didn't have a way to even think, like I
wasn't prepared for the world. I wasn't prepared for a relationship. I was
(12:12):
prepared for the way that I was supposed to go, whether that was courtship and
getting married and having a baby and starting a house and making sourdough
bread and doing all the things the women did, or if it was like, oh you're a single
woman. You've got to teach in the school and do all the things. And so I just hit I
hit a low point and I, I didn't know what to do and I really struggled and so I
(12:36):
eventually I left I moved out of my parents house. I told my dad, I said, I
can't do this anymore. I'm I'm disconnecting from this life that I've
only known just this. Basically went out, not prepared into the world and in, by
being prepared, just understanding like the nature of people. Understanding that
(13:00):
not everyone's your friend. Understanding that people take advantage of you. The
falling back on a drug or on alcohol or on, you know, whatever the things are and
I feel like that that was also another very difficult thing for me. I ended up
(13:20):
leaving and I had I did not have a lot of friends. I didn't have a lot of
connections outside the church. And there was a family that basically let me move
in with them. Someone that I had met at the gym. Very good and kind people. Shout out
to Fred and Linda as they definitely and continue to support me in ways that I
(13:43):
didn't really feel supported in before. Like someone supporting you in specific
thing and then there's someone who supports you in whatever choices you make.
Whether this is a very, very bad choice and you are--this is not what you should
be doing or-- or just going, I whatever, whatever you choose, we support you. This
(14:05):
might not be the best thing for you and giving that sage wisdom of being able to
go, we love you and we support you. We don't agree with this and I had support
from these people, and just, I don't if-- I hadn't have had that I don't think I
would be where I'm at right now. That makes me get a little emotional just
(14:25):
because I know how much they cared about me and the fact that you know they
took me under their wing when I needed it the most.
You were vulnerable and they respected you and respected your decisions and spoke very honestly and
wisely into your life but gave you the respect in the room to have your own
(14:48):
sense of self. Your own agency about yourself which was this whole learning
curve of like, how do you show up in the world with the conservative upbringing
that you grew up in that intentionally is probably trying to very much create a
safe structure but sometimes can have pluses and minuses and you are
(15:10):
definitely experiencing minuses but I would imagine that you saw all kinds of
pluses in that community of how come its working for everybody else and not for me?
Yeah and I think that was one of the things I struggled with is maybe like
maybe I should have stayed, but one of the things that I told myself is I, I am
leaving and I am not coming back. I am not going to-- in whatever way that looked
(15:36):
like. Whether that was like, I need help financially or I need help emotionally. I
had chosen the road I was gonna take and I told myself no matter how bad it gets
I'm following that road-- and it got pretty bad. I was I was abusing alcohol. I
was self-harming. I was-- I just I hit the lowest of low points and I think I was, I
(15:59):
was abusing myself with the relationship I was in. I think that was probably the
worst abuse that I put myself through is trying to be with someone who has told
you, I don't want to be with you and it has proved that they don't and then to
continue to try to push for that and one of the biggest things I've learned
(16:21):
is that the people that are in your life that love you and that are there for
you no matter what you do, no matter the situations around you, they're gonna be
there for you and those are the people that you count on and those people that
come in and and give you the sweet words or tell you they love you and maybe they
(16:41):
do. Maybe they did. Maybe it was it wasn't all, it wasn't all bad. Like that's
I think, a hard part, is discriminating between like, this was a bad situation
this was a good situation, but realizing the solid people in your life are the ones that carry you through.
What I hear you say, Amy, is like there's an
unconditional love to real friendships and people that love you. Family or
(17:05):
friends or framily, but in this other relationship it was a conditional, it
was this mixed messaging that it wasn't always bad, but it was this rejection, but
also a sense of connection but with intermittent rejection that was just messing you up.
It fucked with me so bad because it would be it's like fishing
(17:26):
where you're like you reel it in and then you let it go and you reel it in
and you let it go and it's keeping you at bay. Keeping you a hand away.
Yeah while also telling you...but also pushing you like which is it, right?
I was so confused and I think what I've learned is those solid people in your life and Fred and Linda, Tanya, Matt,
(17:51):
my parents, my brother, like there's people that have been unconditional and
those whether it's like a romantic relationship or not, those are the are
your those are the people that are carrying you through and I think that
was one of my first, like, I do have people that love me. I do have people
that care about me and no matter what that one person has done isn't gonna
(18:16):
take any of that away um and I think when I finally realized that, like I'm
not looking for, not looking for like this romantic love, I'm looking for love
but that could come from a friend it could come from a co-worker it could come
from a parent it could come from a pet and I'm a cat mom. I got, I got my cat
(18:37):
Charlotte and that was kind of, I think, one of the times when I realized I was
self-harming and I went, I'm taking care of something. I don't have time to hurt
myself anymore and I was like okay. So it's like these baby steps of, you know
you're just doing one little thing at a time it's like one foot in front of the other.
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(19:01):
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(19:31):
and select option 3. And now back to our program.
What was the turning point for
you sometimes I think about it like a swimming pool like sometimes our feet
finally hit the bottom and then we push off like. What was that low point and then
why, what helped what was the resilience factors or the things that helped you
connect with yourself and people that love you like what were those decisions and then what was the...
(19:56):
I feel like the things that helped brought me, bring me
out of that was friends and family. That was a biggest thing. I had people that I
text when I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying or you know just the solid
people that I had and it wasn't a huge group and I don't think you should have
a huge group of, these are my ride-or-dies. These are my people that when I'm at
(20:20):
my lowest point I'm calling. Like you you want to have a group of those people
but it's not everybody in your life and then therapy. I started a job at a
hospital and we were given sessions therapy sessions and I had never done
therapy up to that point and was a little kind of taboo at first for me. Like
is this really even gonna help? Like you have a very-- when you don't understand
(20:43):
something you have this like movie view or a view of what someone else has said
about it and you don't really have your-- this is what I believe. Therapy was
probably one of the biggest game-changers for me because it was showing me not
only like what my struggles were and how to move forward from them but this this
(21:04):
isn't the end and I think that was the turning point is when I realized like, my
story wasn't over and I think that was my low point is when I realized like
there's nothing left I have there's my story is done like I have nowhere else
to go and when I finally figured out, no your story is far from being over. You
(21:24):
just got a little work to do in the meantime to get yourself to a point of
being healthy and I think that was that was finally when I could breathe again.
I was think I was thinking, Amy, as you were talking about, there, it seems like
there's a part of you like turned against yourself with that self-abuse
and tolerate like and getting sucked into toxic relationship in all of it and
(21:48):
then there was this pivotal point that you then were staying with yourself, with
your kitty, Charlotte, with therapy, with really being intentional about connecting
with friends and family and almost like looking at what you have versus what you
don't have and how much we can all struggle with when we're so focused on
(22:11):
what we don't have or feel lost or and then adding type one into the mix! It's
just this never ending beast and battle right? That just is this other burden that we
live with or that is wrong with us in a way, right?
Yeah and I think that was hard too because it's like you're dealing with, emotionally, life
(22:33):
threatening things. Diabetes goes to the wayside. I eat what I wanted and drink
what I wanted and not, wasn't not that I was fully like I don't care, but I
definitely like, when my mental health wasn't doing well my diabetes wasn't
doing well and I really appreciate the support--Jenny Smith is my clinician and
(22:55):
has been for about eight years and she was one of those solid people I'm
telling that my story to her and I'm like this sounds crazy and I think
that's the other thing is you feel nuts, like I'm the only one that's dealing with
this. That I'm the only one who thinks this the way, you know ,like so, you're
putting yourself in this box of, like, being alone and I think being able to
(23:19):
have the people there, but then also like hearing other stories and I think that
was where I finally realized, like the people I started running into, some of
which have become amazing friends and hearing their struggles in their stories
That was a lot Amy, of why you said you even wanted to do this was, because your
experience. So many of us can relate to and yet so little do we get to hear
(23:45):
people really talk about, yeah their dark nights of the soul, right? And how
diabetes intersected that but that was your real passion. It's like, I just want
to rip the band-aid off. I just want to say it.
Yeah and I think that the people that were honest with me about what they had struggled with in the past or were
(24:06):
struggling with, like really helped me push through you know. Cuz we're all
dealing with some sort of pain and loss and hurt and in diagnosis you know
whether that's type one or like whatever the things our family members dying, it's
like we're all, we're all going through it. Being able to talk with someone and
(24:27):
go, I'm holding your hand. I'm not okay. I know you're not okay, but I'm here for you. Like that's such a big thing.
Right. Yeah, it's huge Amy what you're saying
right and it takes so much courage to be vulnerable and you're being so
vulnerable and in talking about-- but that's strength. Like and you're so
(24:49):
graciously giving this to the audience right? To normalize. It's okay to hurt and
it's okay and it's good to look for helpers build a support system because
we all hurt. We're all broken. We, with type one, just have this easy diagnosis
(25:11):
to sort of hang a hat on of like, well this is our brokenness, but then it just
goes deeper than that on a human level. Diabetes is just a little part of us, it's not all of us.
Yeah and I think too, like in the therapy, not only was like the
stuff with the relationship because that was like where I went this is my
problem. We need to deal with this and then I realized like it stems, but way
(25:35):
farther back than that and so going through the therapy realizing like I
have always felt like a burden and so I asked myself and my therapist like why
why do I feel that way about myself? And she's like, you know, asks me questions it
kind of draws me out and I was like it's my diabetes! I have always been a
burden to my parents and the friend in the friend group that's like hey I need a...
(25:59):
Beeping during a podcast, right? Because it's either new to
replace my pod and it takes the time now.
I'm waiting because I want to save that golden insulin and I think that was one of the mindsets that I didn't even
realize I was carrying and and needed help opening that package up and
realizing yeah like no no you're not you're not a burden and then having
(26:23):
friends tell me that and my mom like
Diabetes is burden but
yeah and realizing the intertwining of that but then realizingthat people aren't feeling that way about you. Yeah and I think that's what's
hard as an adult with type one is you're juggling work and family and a
relationship and children, if you have them, or pets and you're doing this
(26:47):
juggling act and at the same time you have this thing in the back of your head
that's telling you like you you you not having dinner ready at 7:30 because you
had a low and you needed to stop and do this like that's on you and I think the
people in your life that are gracious to you and tell you, like my mom goes, I
(27:09):
would wake up every night at 1 in the morning for the rest of your life if you
needed that. Well mom that's just you, but then hearing other people say the exact
same thing in a different way yeah and realizing like we're not a burden and we
don't-- we put that pressure on ourself to be... I think as a diabetic you have this
(27:30):
like I need to have all my stuff together need my it's not only my it's
inherent yeah right it's self-managed right like yeah it's managing all of the
decisions it's yeah it's like having our hands on the steering wheel and we don't
just get to pass it off like yeah.
(27:53):
Yeah, I think that's that's difficult because it's, it's trying to decipher like is this diabetes? Is this mental health? Is
this, I do I have a chronic fatigue? Like what, what thing and I was diagnosed with
hypothyroidism--Hashimoto's in the end of 2020 and that was just like a game
(28:14):
changer of like, oh my gosh! This is why I'm losing hair and can't go to the
bathroom and like all these things are happening and just like it's a relief
kind of to get the news that you know, not that I wanted to know that I was
sometimes the diagnosis can be helpful right because it's like there's a name
for this and there's a treatment and same with depression or right is like
(28:37):
sometimes the power of being able to say oh this is what this is now I can look
for the helpers or look for treatment.
yeah and I think that was a big thing. Where I grew up in a very rural area, never, once I graduated from the UCSF
pediatrics I didn't have an endocrinologist for 19 years and so we
(29:00):
were in the boonies and everything was four to five hours away. You made do with
what you had. Hence finding Integrated Diabetes, when my dad found that, he's
like I will pay for this and has continued paying for it so that I could
have the help I needed, but I came I moved to Pennsylvania and met with
(29:21):
psychologist and a therapist and was diagnosed with some different things and
when I got on medication for the things that I was struggling with and I knew
that I had had different things and ADHD and different and the therapist said
well see what this medication does I think it's gonna really help you and I
(29:45):
was-- I had been on different things and some of them made me feel really gross
some of them like didn't seem to help at all and I got on this medication and it
was like a life change and even my boyfriend was like, I noticed a shift and
I was so ashamed in the past to be like and I'm on this medication I'm taking
(30:08):
this and but it's okay to need medication and everything that you're
dealing with. Like we wouldn't tell a type 1 diabetic like we should just
like exercise when you eat breakfast so you don't have to take insulin. Like you
don't need insulin, right? Well why are we telling someone when with a mental
health problem like you shouldn't be using medication or you should just try
(30:30):
to buck up and take care of it, right?
We wouldn't say if this was a heart condition or a hypothyroidism condition or diabetes or we'll say when it comes
to mental health we'll say oh but those there's such and there's such a like
There's so much behind it that I think people don't understand and I feel like
(30:54):
more people would benefit from medication and I'm not saying, I'm not
saying to be on medication that isn't specifically meant for something but I'm
saying if you have, if you have, if you are bipolar, and that was one of the
things they said to me, and that was like a kick in the gut because I was like
cool now I have something else that I have to deal with that I'm that I never
(31:17):
really even realized was a thing that I could be dealing with and again it was a
relief like it was a little bit of a relief to hear that because it was like
okay here's the problem and it's not necessarily a problem in the sense of
let's get you on a medication. These are exercises that will help you. Not drinking a
(31:37):
lot of alcohol helps you. Getting outside in nature helps you. So I found the thing
Managing your diabetes helps you, right?
Yeah and I found the things that helped me move forward and I forget sometimes and I can fall back and then I'm reminded again
Okay. Go go do yoga. Go outside for a walk. We find these tools that help push us
(32:00):
through it's okay to have those tools and it's okay to need them and not be
able to function without them and I think that is one of my biggest things is
to let anyone know who is struggling with mental health issues like don't be
afraid one to talk about it don't be afraid to be on a medication and don't
(32:22):
be afraid to speak your mind of like this is how I'm feeling and I think
until that point I wasn't able to really speak my mind of like I am
struggling with this um you know whatever and when I finally got down to I feel
like a burden and I feel worthless and I feel like my life is over and you got
(32:44):
that out I was like that's the wrong story that's not that's not
Well and the other parts of it were like, you needed, you needed thyroid thyroid replacement
hormone right? And you needed a diagnosis. You needed, you were untreated with
bipolar disorder so like you needed, your chemistry literally needed nurturing, in
(33:10):
order for you to feel whole again, but it meant that there had to be
more diagnoses come in for you to to start to get the full picture and get
treatment so that you felt like you were up now to baseline.
Yeah and I think that is that is where, in our society, I think we struggle with just putting a
(33:34):
face a happy face on and like everyone gets to see my birthday photos on
Instagram or my you know my new apartment or this or that and like I'm
not saying that we need to post about all this for everyone to read but like
sometimes for me to read someone's post and a lot of type ones do this I feel
(33:54):
like in the diabetic community this is a big thing of just like, I was crying
because I caught my third pump thing on a door and ripped it out for the third
time today or I was struggling with just being high all night and woke up feeling
like crap and still had to go to work yeah and hearing those stories in you
(34:16):
know just the site the real side of people it makes you realize like I'm not
alone I'm not fighting this by myself and then I think that's giving me that
has given me the drive to be able to want to give back to others whether that's
just like telling someone you love. Them telling someone you're here for them.
(34:36):
Like I don't always have the right thing to say, but I can always tell someone if
you need anything call me. I love you. Whatever you need help with. And I think
with with mental health that's like probably number one. I'm just realizing
and knowing you have people that love you you're not a burden they're just the same.
(34:58):
Thinking about it Amy, like what you're saying is come to me if
you need anything and if I can't figure it out we'll look for the helpers
together and kind of like what you were talking about with the type 1 community
and what one of the beautiful things about about Integrated Diabetes Services,
right is like that the team consists of people that live with type 1 so
(35:21):
inherently you've got that lived experience. Of course everybody's journey is
different but just how much what you were just saying about finding community
especially how much we resonate with other people that walk this. We're like
you're beeping. I'm beeping. Like there's just there's something about like, oh gosh
(35:41):
you know doing a podcast and beeping um it's okay. It's finally okay. We just need
each other for the for those little things that pop up but then on the
deeper level really finding your web of support and cultivating that. Building a support system.
And it's crazy too because one of my my really good friends
(36:05):
I met on Instagram and then found out that she lived about five or six hours
from me and so before I moved over to Pennsylvania we'd meet in the middle I
like the halfway point and it was just so encouraging to have someone who's
like knows what you're going through and we became really close are really close
(36:27):
we're separated by thousands and thousands of miles now but I'm just as
close with her as I was when we would see each other a couple times during
the summer and I think that is like we all need we need that that community but
you know having having people in your life that know exactly what you're going
(36:48):
through and not having these expectations of like you need to act a
certain way or we think about like
Like sometimes we have to build it over time,right? Like the when I think about your story that it took time. There's so much
precious time that's happening along this story for you right of like not seeing
(37:10):
yourself clearly and then getting some clarity and then getting more cla... like
at the start of the your conversation right was like this is how I grew up and
like it was loving, a good memory, but then I left. Just this journey that's got
these twists and turns right and then what you're talking about now is the way
that you have built and connected with people we could keep talking and looking
(37:36):
at the clock because we could keep talking effortlessly for probably
another hour and then it would be my turn to share. Is there any sort of
last thoughts, Amy of like lessons you've learned or any thing that you didn't say
yet that you would want to say to a listener?
(37:57):
It's okay to be vulnerable. I know that's a Brene Brown like she is very very much on that vulnerability but
like it's okay to fail it's okay to not feel like you're enough but where do you
go with that you can't sit there and I think what happened with me is I sat in
that space so long just ruminating on these things that weren't true that I
(38:19):
started creating a story of who I was on what I thought outside of what was
real. So it like you're separating truth and reality from what's in your mind and
just I think being able to say I'm I'm not okay and that's okay.
Yeah. It was in that vulnerability that you were so brave and God, it was like going through
(38:49):
the vulnerability is what led you to freedom back to yourself.
And I think to you like as I said at my lowest point this is the end of my story and you
know when people, you know, people would tell you, like ,it's not and you're just
like okay thank you for trying to be nice but like it really wasn't and she's
(39:11):
someone who's struggling right now like hang in there it's it will get better
and I know it's shitty to hear that when you're in the middle of not feeling good
because people said it to me and I was like great like I'm, it's wonderful that
you're saying that, but like now I'm in a healthy relationship, I have two cats--
hopefully a third soon. I'm living in a nice house. I have the medication I need.
(39:35):
I am happy. I took a vacation this month. Like those were all things that five
years ago? Four years ago? I would have been like, that that's not me. That's for
someone else and so like hang in there it's gonna get better.
It's like hang in there and look for the helpers. That's what you did, right? That you kept looking for helpers.
(39:56):
Yeah, yeah in those people those people in my life I think
that's why I get so emotional because I'm so grateful for the ones who have
stood by my side and those those are the souls to search for
those people because you're out there it can be so depressing when you just hit a
(40:17):
bunch of like sour experiences with people or people that you're just not a
part of their group or you're not you know they're they're maybe not a good
fit for you or you know relationships that fail that you go like that person
was a good person what did I do to end that like why did I do that but it
really it does it can turn you inward to a point where you can go what like not
(40:41):
what is my problem, but like what what do I need to address in myself? I can't
just stay here, like this even where I'm at now, for the rest of my life. We're
continually growing and moving forward and I think why my relationship now is
so much better is I'm able to actually go I made a mistake I'm sorry don't want
(41:04):
that's not who I am yeah you know I'm not changing myself and I'm not gonna
never not mess up again but like taking initiative and realizing like it's not
It's not about being perfect as, what I hear you saying it's about owning your stuff like
that ability to reflect I'm not perfect and I don't expect somebody else to be
(41:26):
I'll make mistakes. I'll. I can, I can say I'm sorry. I can do the repairs right
when there's a rupture intentionally or on it or like you know by omission
or co-mission but yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.
Thank you. I know everyone has a story. That's I think what I realized over the last six
(41:49):
years is we're all we all have stories and everyone really benefits from your
story being told and I know I've benefited from others who I'm not even
in contact anymore with that I heard their story and I was like that like
that carried me through right and I think for anyone and for myself it's
just like letting people know that you're not okay that's okay but it's
(42:13):
also as Gary's replied in my email it's also okay not to be okay like we do need
we do need our hands held sometimes and we need to be carried through difficult
times but it's just really put in my heart to like to love the people around
me even if I'm not gonna have like a super close relationship with someone
like everyone needs to be loved and sometimes just saying that to a
(42:39):
stranger is if you need anything let me know like I know we're not close but I'm here for you.
Beautiful. Thanks again for sharing your story with us.
Thanks for tuning in to Think like a Pancreas--The Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode
don't forget to like, follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast app. Think Like
(42:59):
a Pancreas--The Podcast is brought to you by Integrated Diabetes Services. Where
experience meets expertise, passion meets compassion, and diabetes care is personal
because we live it too. Our team of clinicians all living with type 1
diabetes understands the challenges firsthand. We're here to help no matter where
you are in the world. From glucose management to self-care strategies, the latest tech,
(43:24):
sports and exercise, weight loss, type 1 pregnancy, and emotional well-being we've
got you covered. We offer consultations in English and
Spanish via phone, video chat, email, and text. Want to learn more? Visit
integrateddiabetes.com or email info at integrateddiabetes.com to schedule a
(43:46):
consultation. On behalf of Think Like a Pancreas-- The Podcast, I'm Gary Scheiner
wishing you a fantastic week ahead and don't forget to think like a pancreas
Welcome to Think Like a Pancreas The Podcast where our goal is to keep you informed, inspired, and a little entertained on all things diabetes.
The information contained in this program is based on the experience and opinions of the Integrated Diabetes Services clinical team.
Please discuss any changes to your treatment plan with your personal health care provider before implementing.
(00:38):
Hi everybody. Welcome to the Integrated Diabetes Think Like a Pancreas podcast.
I'm Kristi Paguio and I'm with Amy Sczepanski and Amy's here today to tell a really important part of her journey with diabetes that involves part of her mental health journey.
(00:59):
Amy, maybe you would say it differently or better.
Well, let me share a little bit.
I'm a mental health professional who specializes in diabetes. Myself,
I've lived with type 1 for over 25 years and love to delve into the light-hearted parts of diabetes and also the harder parts of life with diabetes that intersects with mental health a lot of times.
(01:24):
So I heard Amy tell a little bit of her story and wanted to partner with her on this to be a support, not to her, but just to her and to other people that I've had the fortune to have them entrust their stories with me.
Yeah, I think one of the biggest things I've seen over probably the last six years is just everyone is dealing with something and you know some things are maybe a little easier to talk about than other things.
(01:54):
Some things are very heavy and you know like how would you bring it up or how would you talk about it?
But I just have seen from my own journey how much I've benefited from other
people telling me their stories and I think ultimately that is where
I'm coming from with this and I've had a similar podcast where I kind of talked
(02:17):
about stuff but I feel like now I'm in in a better place but also have kind of
learned the steps to healing and to you know getting on medication and
finding the things that have really aided me in the healing process and
(02:38):
before, you know, before this time it was like, buck up little beaver! Like don't
think about it too much push ahead be busy and that you know that in itself
can be a downfall just because it can cause you to just go so fast that you're
not stopping and maybe sitting in the pain and sitting in the uncomfortableness
(03:00):
of what you're dealing with and actually putting a name on it.
The listeners probably want to hear what happened and then also what did you learn about yourself and what you needed to learn through that and what did you need to keep in your life as sort of like a web of support?
(03:21):
Yeah well I grew up in a very conservative home. My dad was a pastor and
it's so difficult because it's like you grow up and there are so many good
memories and there's so many good things. I look back like the backpacking trips
we did with our parents and the family barbecues and you know there's certain
(03:43):
aspects that I'm like I had a very good upbringing. My parents loved me and I
know that, but then there was the side of that that was, you're very involved in
the church and what the church is doing and other people, not necessarily my
parents were speaking into my life as well and I was in my early 30s, so I hit
(04:09):
a point where I'm a full-grown adult I have a mind of my own and I I think I
finally realized I wasn't using that and wasn't being able to think for myself I
was told what to think and how to think and how to believe and I believed
because the Bible said it or because this person brought-- you know, and I'm not
(04:30):
saying any of those things are wrong. I have a very different view of it now but
that point in my life I hadn't been in a relationship. Hadn't dated. The church did
courtship. So it was very old-fashioned and you know very different from what
any of my peers had grown up like. It was definitely a different experience to
(04:53):
compare to people my age and I think that was kind of the marking point. I met
someone and ultimately started a relationship with this person and didn't
tell anyone about it. It was under the scenes and I think my breaking point is,
I knew I knew what I was doing was wrong because I was lying, but then I also knew
(05:18):
it was wrong that at 30, 31 years old that I couldn't just choose what I
wanted to choose and and not have people either judge me for it or tell me it was
wrong whether or not the person I was with was someone that was good to be
with? It was my choice and looking back now and with the experience and the
(05:42):
knowledge I have now, I wasn't making a good choice. Didn't really even have the
tools to make that choice correctly and I think now I know I would I would have
chosen a different path if I had known now what I know now I wouldn't, I don't
think I would have chosen the road that I went down, but I did and I really
(06:05):
struggled because I was going against what I believed at the time. Months of
kind of sneaking around and not telling people and my whole friend group didn't
know and then what eventually happened is I lost my virginity and that was kind of
my breaking point of like, okay, this is okay. We're gonna get married and this is
(06:28):
gonna be okay. Everything that's happening is is gonna get closed up in
a little box and a bow is gonna be tied on and that wasn't the case and at that
point I had lost a lot of weight. I was like not doing well. Just mentally I was
juggling two different jobs and school events and meetings and church and all
(06:52):
the different practices and music things and I think one of the biggest
things the church did was to keep us busy. You know so we didn't have time, I don't-- not
even necessarily to get in trouble, but just like keep the young people busy. I
hit a very low point and then at that point the person I was, you know, in love
(07:13):
with, that was my first love, he told me, like, this isn't gonna work. I can't do
this anymore. It's all this pressure of this, you know, the secret relationship
and like I'm, I'm done. I don't view you the same way that I did. I care about you.
I can't-- I will never love you the same way. And I think that was was my turning
(07:34):
point where I realized everything put my eggs in a basket and I had nothing else. Like all my...
You had been going out on a limb to be in this relationship outside of the
structure that you'd grown up and now it was-- and it was gonna be okay if you put
(07:55):
a bow on it and got married, but then I wonder if it started to feel like that was crumbling and...
Yeah it was. Yeah it really was. Like I was, I was not eating. I
wasn't hungry. I wasn't sleeping. I was drinking. I just was doing all these very
(08:19):
quiet things, so like, people that knew me well knew something was wrong. My parents
knew something was wrong. I'm high. I'm low. Like you-- but you can blame it on your
diabetes. Like it was easy-- it wasn't easy to cover things, but I did it in a way
that I was like, I'm dealing with stuff. I'm just dealing with health stuff. I'm
tired. Like, you know, and covered the fact that I was emotionally unhealthy,
(08:43):
not doing well. Struggling really for my life. I hit a point where I-- I hit a point
where I was just like, I'm so tired and I'm so done. Like I would pray like, Lord
let me go to sleep and let me not wake up. Like I didn't, I didn't want...I was
just tired. I didn't necessarily like want to kill myself or die, but I didn't
(09:08):
I really just I felt like I couldn't go on and then in that time frame that was
early, probably early at 2019 and I, um, attempted suicide with insulin. Definitely
that was a very low point and I didn't tell anyone at first because my mom
(09:34):
somehow has spider senses and she came in and she they didn't know what was
going on. They just thought it was a low and she treated me and you know it
was, waking up the next morning was just really hard because it was like, damn it!
That didn't work. Like that was, that was my out. Like I don't-- I didn't know what
(09:56):
to do and so I didn't say anything to anyone and was just a hot mess. Like you
know I wasn't I wasn't showing up for music and church meetings on time and I
I just was struggling and so I attempted again. And again it was in the evening
and my a parent came in. One of my parents because I was living at home at
(10:19):
the time came in and, I didn't, you know, again didn't say anything. Didn't feel
like I had the space to. And then it came out and I told my dad and it was kind of
was was a scene because then people in the church found out. It became not just
something that I was struggling with, getting the help of like a physician or
(10:42):
a mental health you know advisor. I was feeling very, like, someone told me kill..
sue... If you kill yourself or attempt suicide or you know you'll end up in
hell. Like I had one person tell me that from the church and that upset my
mother. Everyone has their own beliefs.
(11:06):
Over simplification.
Yeah and it was like I, just I had hit a point where I didn't even care. I didn't want to keep going. My closest and best friend didn't even know what I was going through and she got
engaged and then I'm just like fuck like everything and everyone else's life
is going well and I'm doing terrible here and no one knows, but few people knew
(11:27):
what I really was struggling with. I don't even think my best friend really even knew.
Even though your relationship is falling apart and her relationship is moving towards engagement.
Yeah. Yeah and you know and it was, it's a, it's hard to talk
about it and I feel like only people that are in a culture like that, cuz I
(11:48):
know not every church is like that, but like just a very strict and a culture of you
know religion is-- Jesus is number one and there's nothing inside or outside of
that and stepping outside of that system-- I didn't have a way to even think, like I
wasn't prepared for the world. I wasn't prepared for a relationship. I was
(12:12):
prepared for the way that I was supposed to go, whether that was courtship and
getting married and having a baby and starting a house and making sourdough
bread and doing all the things the women did, or if it was like, oh you're a single
woman. You've got to teach in the school and do all the things. And so I just hit I
hit a low point and I, I didn't know what to do and I really struggled and so I
(12:36):
eventually I left I moved out of my parents house. I told my dad, I said, I
can't do this anymore. I'm I'm disconnecting from this life that I've
only known just this. Basically went out, not prepared into the world and in, by
being prepared, just understanding like the nature of people. Understanding that
(13:00):
not everyone's your friend. Understanding that people take advantage of you. The
falling back on a drug or on alcohol or on, you know, whatever the things are and
I feel like that that was also another very difficult thing for me. I ended up
(13:20):
leaving and I had I did not have a lot of friends. I didn't have a lot of
connections outside the church. And there was a family that basically let me move
in with them. Someone that I had met at the gym. Very good and kind people. Shout out
to Fred and Linda as they definitely and continue to support me in ways that I
(13:43):
didn't really feel supported in before. Like someone supporting you in specific
thing and then there's someone who supports you in whatever choices you make.
Whether this is a very, very bad choice and you are--this is not what you should
be doing or-- or just going, I whatever, whatever you choose, we support you. This
(14:05):
might not be the best thing for you and giving that sage wisdom of being able to
go, we love you and we support you. We don't agree with this and I had support
from these people, and just, I don't if-- I hadn't have had that I don't think I
would be where I'm at right now. That makes me get a little emotional just
(14:25):
because I know how much they cared about me and the fact that you know they
took me under their wing when I needed it the most.
You were vulnerable and they respected you and respected your decisions and spoke very honestly and
wisely into your life but gave you the respect in the room to have your own
(14:48):
sense of self. Your own agency about yourself which was this whole learning
curve of like, how do you show up in the world with the conservative upbringing
that you grew up in that intentionally is probably trying to very much create a
safe structure but sometimes can have pluses and minuses and you are
(15:10):
definitely experiencing minuses but I would imagine that you saw all kinds of
pluses in that community of how come its working for everybody else and not for me?
Yeah and I think that was one of the things I struggled with is maybe like
maybe I should have stayed, but one of the things that I told myself is I, I am
leaving and I am not coming back. I am not going to-- in whatever way that looked
(15:36):
like. Whether that was like, I need help financially or I need help emotionally. I
had chosen the road I was gonna take and I told myself no matter how bad it gets
I'm following that road-- and it got pretty bad. I was I was abusing alcohol. I
was self-harming. I was-- I just I hit the lowest of low points and I think I was, I
(15:59):
was abusing myself with the relationship I was in. I think that was probably the
worst abuse that I put myself through is trying to be with someone who has told
you, I don't want to be with you and it has proved that they don't and then to
continue to try to push for that and one of the biggest things I've learned
(16:21):
is that the people that are in your life that love you and that are there for
you no matter what you do, no matter the situations around you, they're gonna be
there for you and those are the people that you count on and those people that
come in and and give you the sweet words or tell you they love you and maybe they
(16:41):
do. Maybe they did. Maybe it was it wasn't all, it wasn't all bad. Like that's
I think, a hard part, is discriminating between like, this was a bad situation
this was a good situation, but realizing the solid people in your life are the ones that carry you through.
What I hear you say, Amy, is like there's an
unconditional love to real friendships and people that love you. Family or
(17:05):
friends or framily, but in this other relationship it was a conditional, it
was this mixed messaging that it wasn't always bad, but it was this rejection, but
also a sense of connection but with intermittent rejection that was just messing you up.
It fucked with me so bad because it would be it's like fishing
(17:26):
where you're like you reel it in and then you let it go and you reel it in
and you let it go and it's keeping you at bay. Keeping you a hand away.
Yeah while also telling you...but also pushing you like which is it, right?
I was so confused and I think what I've learned is those solid people in your life and Fred and Linda, Tanya, Matt,
(17:51):
my parents, my brother, like there's people that have been unconditional and
those whether it's like a romantic relationship or not, those are the are
your those are the people that are carrying you through and I think that
was one of my first, like, I do have people that love me. I do have people
that care about me and no matter what that one person has done isn't gonna
(18:16):
take any of that away um and I think when I finally realized that, like I'm
not looking for, not looking for like this romantic love, I'm looking for love
but that could come from a friend it could come from a co-worker it could come
from a parent it could come from a pet and I'm a cat mom. I got, I got my cat
(18:37):
Charlotte and that was kind of, I think, one of the times when I realized I was
self-harming and I went, I'm taking care of something. I don't have time to hurt
myself anymore and I was like okay. So it's like these baby steps of, you know
you're just doing one little thing at a time it's like one foot in front of the other.
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(19:01):
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(19:31):
and select option 3. And now back to our program.
What was the turning point for
you sometimes I think about it like a swimming pool like sometimes our feet
finally hit the bottom and then we push off like. What was that low point and then
why, what helped what was the resilience factors or the things that helped you
connect with yourself and people that love you like what were those decisions and then what was the...
(19:56):
I feel like the things that helped brought me, bring me
out of that was friends and family. That was a biggest thing. I had people that I
text when I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying or you know just the solid
people that I had and it wasn't a huge group and I don't think you should have
a huge group of, these are my ride-or-dies. These are my people that when I'm at
(20:20):
my lowest point I'm calling. Like you you want to have a group of those people
but it's not everybody in your life and then therapy. I started a job at a
hospital and we were given sessions therapy sessions and I had never done
therapy up to that point and was a little kind of taboo at first for me. Like
is this really even gonna help? Like you have a very-- when you don't understand
(20:43):
something you have this like movie view or a view of what someone else has said
about it and you don't really have your-- this is what I believe. Therapy was
probably one of the biggest game-changers for me because it was showing me not
only like what my struggles were and how to move forward from them but this this
(21:04):
isn't the end and I think that was the turning point is when I realized like, my
story wasn't over and I think that was my low point is when I realized like
there's nothing left I have there's my story is done like I have nowhere else
to go and when I finally figured out, no your story is far from being over. You
(21:24):
just got a little work to do in the meantime to get yourself to a point of
being healthy and I think that was that was finally when I could breathe again.
I was think I was thinking, Amy, as you were talking about, there, it seems like
there's a part of you like turned against yourself with that self-abuse
and tolerate like and getting sucked into toxic relationship in all of it and
(21:48):
then there was this pivotal point that you then were staying with yourself, with
your kitty, Charlotte, with therapy, with really being intentional about connecting
with friends and family and almost like looking at what you have versus what you
don't have and how much we can all struggle with when we're so focused on
(22:11):
what we don't have or feel lost or and then adding type one into the mix! It's
just this never ending beast and battle right? That just is this other burden that we
live with or that is wrong with us in a way, right?
Yeah and I think that was hard too because it's like you're dealing with, emotionally, life
(22:33):
threatening things. Diabetes goes to the wayside. I eat what I wanted and drink
what I wanted and not, wasn't not that I was fully like I don't care, but I
definitely like, when my mental health wasn't doing well my diabetes wasn't
doing well and I really appreciate the support--Jenny Smith is my clinician and
(22:55):
has been for about eight years and she was one of those solid people I'm
telling that my story to her and I'm like this sounds crazy and I think
that's the other thing is you feel nuts, like I'm the only one that's dealing with
this. That I'm the only one who thinks this the way, you know ,like so, you're
putting yourself in this box of, like, being alone and I think being able to
(23:19):
have the people there, but then also like hearing other stories and I think that
was where I finally realized, like the people I started running into, some of
which have become amazing friends and hearing their struggles in their stories
That was a lot Amy, of why you said you even wanted to do this was, because your
experience. So many of us can relate to and yet so little do we get to hear
(23:45):
people really talk about, yeah their dark nights of the soul, right? And how
diabetes intersected that but that was your real passion. It's like, I just want
to rip the band-aid off. I just want to say it.
Yeah and I think that the people that were honest with me about what they had struggled with in the past or were
(24:06):
struggling with, like really helped me push through you know. Cuz we're all
dealing with some sort of pain and loss and hurt and in diagnosis you know
whether that's type one or like whatever the things our family members dying, it's
like we're all, we're all going through it. Being able to talk with someone and
(24:27):
go, I'm holding your hand. I'm not okay. I know you're not okay, but I'm here for you. Like that's such a big thing.
Right. Yeah, it's huge Amy what you're saying
right and it takes so much courage to be vulnerable and you're being so
vulnerable and in talking about-- but that's strength. Like and you're so
(24:49):
graciously giving this to the audience right? To normalize. It's okay to hurt and
it's okay and it's good to look for helpers build a support system because
we all hurt. We're all broken. We, with type one, just have this easy diagnosis
(25:11):
to sort of hang a hat on of like, well this is our brokenness, but then it just
goes deeper than that on a human level. Diabetes is just a little part of us, it's not all of us.
Yeah and I think too, like in the therapy, not only was like the
stuff with the relationship because that was like where I went this is my
problem. We need to deal with this and then I realized like it stems, but way
(25:35):
farther back than that and so going through the therapy realizing like I
have always felt like a burden and so I asked myself and my therapist like why
why do I feel that way about myself? And she's like, you know, asks me questions it
kind of draws me out and I was like it's my diabetes! I have always been a
burden to my parents and the friend in the friend group that's like hey I need a...
(25:59):
Beeping during a podcast, right? Because it's either new to
replace my pod and it takes the time now.
I'm waiting because I want to save that golden insulin and I think that was one of the mindsets that I didn't even
realize I was carrying and and needed help opening that package up and
realizing yeah like no no you're not you're not a burden and then having
(26:23):
friends tell me that and my mom like
Diabetes is burden but
yeah and realizing the intertwining of that but then realizingthat people aren't feeling that way about you. Yeah and I think that's what's
hard as an adult with type one is you're juggling work and family and a
relationship and children, if you have them, or pets and you're doing this
(26:47):
juggling act and at the same time you have this thing in the back of your head
that's telling you like you you you not having dinner ready at 7:30 because you
had a low and you needed to stop and do this like that's on you and I think the
people in your life that are gracious to you and tell you, like my mom goes, I
(27:09):
would wake up every night at 1 in the morning for the rest of your life if you
needed that. Well mom that's just you, but then hearing other people say the exact
same thing in a different way yeah and realizing like we're not a burden and we
don't-- we put that pressure on ourself to be... I think as a diabetic you have this
(27:30):
like I need to have all my stuff together need my it's not only my it's
inherent yeah right it's self-managed right like yeah it's managing all of the
decisions it's yeah it's like having our hands on the steering wheel and we don't
just get to pass it off like yeah.
(27:53):
Yeah, I think that's that's difficult because it's, it's trying to decipher like is this diabetes? Is this mental health? Is
this, I do I have a chronic fatigue? Like what, what thing and I was diagnosed with
hypothyroidism--Hashimoto's in the end of 2020 and that was just like a game
(28:14):
changer of like, oh my gosh! This is why I'm losing hair and can't go to the
bathroom and like all these things are happening and just like it's a relief
kind of to get the news that you know, not that I wanted to know that I was
sometimes the diagnosis can be helpful right because it's like there's a name
for this and there's a treatment and same with depression or right is like
(28:37):
sometimes the power of being able to say oh this is what this is now I can look
for the helpers or look for treatment.
yeah and I think that was a big thing. Where I grew up in a very rural area, never, once I graduated from the UCSF
pediatrics I didn't have an endocrinologist for 19 years and so we
(29:00):
were in the boonies and everything was four to five hours away. You made do with
what you had. Hence finding Integrated Diabetes, when my dad found that, he's
like I will pay for this and has continued paying for it so that I could
have the help I needed, but I came I moved to Pennsylvania and met with
(29:21):
psychologist and a therapist and was diagnosed with some different things and
when I got on medication for the things that I was struggling with and I knew
that I had had different things and ADHD and different and the therapist said
well see what this medication does I think it's gonna really help you and I
(29:45):
was-- I had been on different things and some of them made me feel really gross
some of them like didn't seem to help at all and I got on this medication and it
was like a life change and even my boyfriend was like, I noticed a shift and
I was so ashamed in the past to be like and I'm on this medication I'm taking
(30:08):
this and but it's okay to need medication and everything that you're
dealing with. Like we wouldn't tell a type 1 diabetic like we should just
like exercise when you eat breakfast so you don't have to take insulin. Like you
don't need insulin, right? Well why are we telling someone when with a mental
health problem like you shouldn't be using medication or you should just try
(30:30):
to buck up and take care of it, right?
We wouldn't say if this was a heart condition or a hypothyroidism condition or diabetes or we'll say when it comes
to mental health we'll say oh but those there's such and there's such a like
There's so much behind it that I think people don't understand and I feel like
(30:54):
more people would benefit from medication and I'm not saying, I'm not
saying to be on medication that isn't specifically meant for something but I'm
saying if you have, if you have, if you are bipolar, and that was one of the
things they said to me, and that was like a kick in the gut because I was like
cool now I have something else that I have to deal with that I'm that I never
(31:17):
really even realized was a thing that I could be dealing with and again it was a
relief like it was a little bit of a relief to hear that because it was like
okay here's the problem and it's not necessarily a problem in the sense of
let's get you on a medication. These are exercises that will help you. Not drinking a
(31:37):
lot of alcohol helps you. Getting outside in nature helps you. So I found the thing
Managing your diabetes helps you, right?
Yeah and I found the things that helped me move forward and I forget sometimes and I can fall back and then I'm reminded again
Okay. Go go do yoga. Go outside for a walk. We find these tools that help push us
(32:00):
through it's okay to have those tools and it's okay to need them and not be
able to function without them and I think that is one of my biggest things is
to let anyone know who is struggling with mental health issues like don't be
afraid one to talk about it don't be afraid to be on a medication and don't
(32:22):
be afraid to speak your mind of like this is how I'm feeling and I think
until that point I wasn't able to really speak my mind of like I am
struggling with this um you know whatever and when I finally got down to I feel
like a burden and I feel worthless and I feel like my life is over and you got
(32:44):
that out I was like that's the wrong story that's not that's not
Well and the other parts of it were like, you needed, you needed thyroid thyroid replacement
hormone right? And you needed a diagnosis. You needed, you were untreated with
bipolar disorder so like you needed, your chemistry literally needed nurturing, in
(33:10):
order for you to feel whole again, but it meant that there had to be
more diagnoses come in for you to to start to get the full picture and get
treatment so that you felt like you were up now to baseline.
Yeah and I think that is that is where, in our society, I think we struggle with just putting a
(33:34):
face a happy face on and like everyone gets to see my birthday photos on
Instagram or my you know my new apartment or this or that and like I'm
not saying that we need to post about all this for everyone to read but like
sometimes for me to read someone's post and a lot of type ones do this I feel
(33:54):
like in the diabetic community this is a big thing of just like, I was crying
because I caught my third pump thing on a door and ripped it out for the third
time today or I was struggling with just being high all night and woke up feeling
like crap and still had to go to work yeah and hearing those stories in you
(34:16):
know just the site the real side of people it makes you realize like I'm not
alone I'm not fighting this by myself and then I think that's giving me that
has given me the drive to be able to want to give back to others whether that's
just like telling someone you love. Them telling someone you're here for them.
(34:36):
Like I don't always have the right thing to say, but I can always tell someone if
you need anything call me. I love you. Whatever you need help with. And I think
with with mental health that's like probably number one. I'm just realizing
and knowing you have people that love you you're not a burden they're just the same.
(34:58):
Thinking about it Amy, like what you're saying is come to me if
you need anything and if I can't figure it out we'll look for the helpers
together and kind of like what you were talking about with the type 1 community
and what one of the beautiful things about about Integrated Diabetes Services,
right is like that the team consists of people that live with type 1 so
(35:21):
inherently you've got that lived experience. Of course everybody's journey is
different but just how much what you were just saying about finding community
especially how much we resonate with other people that walk this. We're like
you're beeping. I'm beeping. Like there's just there's something about like, oh gosh
(35:41):
you know doing a podcast and beeping um it's okay. It's finally okay. We just need
each other for the for those little things that pop up but then on the
deeper level really finding your web of support and cultivating that. Building a support system.
And it's crazy too because one of my my really good friends
(36:05):
I met on Instagram and then found out that she lived about five or six hours
from me and so before I moved over to Pennsylvania we'd meet in the middle I
like the halfway point and it was just so encouraging to have someone who's
like knows what you're going through and we became really close are really close
(36:27):
we're separated by thousands and thousands of miles now but I'm just as
close with her as I was when we would see each other a couple times during
the summer and I think that is like we all need we need that that community but
you know having having people in your life that know exactly what you're going
(36:48):
through and not having these expectations of like you need to act a
certain way or we think about like
Like sometimes we have to build it over time,right? Like the when I think about your story that it took time. There's so much
precious time that's happening along this story for you right of like not seeing
(37:10):
yourself clearly and then getting some clarity and then getting more cla... like
at the start of the your conversation right was like this is how I grew up and
like it was loving, a good memory, but then I left. Just this journey that's got
these twists and turns right and then what you're talking about now is the way
that you have built and connected with people we could keep talking and looking
(37:36):
at the clock because we could keep talking effortlessly for probably
another hour and then it would be my turn to share. Is there any sort of
last thoughts, Amy of like lessons you've learned or any thing that you didn't say
yet that you would want to say to a listener?
(37:57):
It's okay to be vulnerable. I know that's a Brene Brown like she is very very much on that vulnerability but
like it's okay to fail it's okay to not feel like you're enough but where do you
go with that you can't sit there and I think what happened with me is I sat in
that space so long just ruminating on these things that weren't true that I
(38:19):
started creating a story of who I was on what I thought outside of what was
real. So it like you're separating truth and reality from what's in your mind and
just I think being able to say I'm I'm not okay and that's okay.
Yeah. It was in that vulnerability that you were so brave and God, it was like going through
(38:49):
the vulnerability is what led you to freedom back to yourself.
And I think to you like as I said at my lowest point this is the end of my story and you
know when people, you know, people would tell you, like ,it's not and you're just
like okay thank you for trying to be nice but like it really wasn't and she's
(39:11):
someone who's struggling right now like hang in there it's it will get better
and I know it's shitty to hear that when you're in the middle of not feeling good
because people said it to me and I was like great like I'm, it's wonderful that
you're saying that, but like now I'm in a healthy relationship, I have two cats--
hopefully a third soon. I'm living in a nice house. I have the medication I need.
(39:35):
I am happy. I took a vacation this month. Like those were all things that five
years ago? Four years ago? I would have been like, that that's not me. That's for
someone else and so like hang in there it's gonna get better.
It's like hang in there and look for the helpers. That's what you did, right? That you kept looking for helpers.
(39:56):
Yeah, yeah in those people those people in my life I think
that's why I get so emotional because I'm so grateful for the ones who have
stood by my side and those those are the souls to search for
those people because you're out there it can be so depressing when you just hit a
(40:17):
bunch of like sour experiences with people or people that you're just not a
part of their group or you're not you know they're they're maybe not a good
fit for you or you know relationships that fail that you go like that person
was a good person what did I do to end that like why did I do that but it
really it does it can turn you inward to a point where you can go what like not
(40:41):
what is my problem, but like what what do I need to address in myself? I can't
just stay here, like this even where I'm at now, for the rest of my life. We're
continually growing and moving forward and I think why my relationship now is
so much better is I'm able to actually go I made a mistake I'm sorry don't want
(41:04):
that's not who I am yeah you know I'm not changing myself and I'm not gonna
never not mess up again but like taking initiative and realizing like it's not
It's not about being perfect as, what I hear you saying it's about owning your stuff like
that ability to reflect I'm not perfect and I don't expect somebody else to be
(41:26):
I'll make mistakes. I'll. I can, I can say I'm sorry. I can do the repairs right
when there's a rupture intentionally or on it or like you know by omission
or co-mission but yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.
Thank you. I know everyone has a story. That's I think what I realized over the last six
(41:49):
years is we're all we all have stories and everyone really benefits from your
story being told and I know I've benefited from others who I'm not even
in contact anymore with that I heard their story and I was like that like
that carried me through right and I think for anyone and for myself it's
just like letting people know that you're not okay that's okay but it's
(42:13):
also as Gary's replied in my email it's also okay not to be okay like we do need
we do need our hands held sometimes and we need to be carried through difficult
times but it's just really put in my heart to like to love the people around
me even if I'm not gonna have like a super close relationship with someone
like everyone needs to be loved and sometimes just saying that to a
(42:39):
stranger is if you need anything let me know like I know we're not close but I'm here for you.
Beautiful. Thanks again for sharing your story with us.
Thanks for tuning in to Think like a Pancreas--The Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode
don't forget to like, follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast app. Think Like
(42:59):
a Pancreas--The Podcast is brought to you by Integrated Diabetes Services. Where
experience meets expertise, passion meets compassion, and diabetes care is personal
because we live it too. Our team of clinicians all living with type 1
diabetes understands the challenges firsthand. We're here to help no matter where
you are in the world. From glucose management to self-care strategies, the latest tech,
(43:24):
sports and exercise, weight loss, type 1 pregnancy, and emotional well-being we've
got you covered. We offer consultations in English and
Spanish via phone, video chat, email, and text. Want to learn more? Visit
integrateddiabetes.com or email info at integrateddiabetes.com to schedule a
(43:46):
consultation. On behalf of Think Like a Pancreas-- The Podcast, I'm Gary Scheiner
wishing you a fantastic week ahead and don't forget to think like a pancreas
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