February 2, 2025 • 20 mins
In the last of these podcasts on the nine habits of effective leadership, Rachel is joined by Sharon Curry, Ruchi Shah-Mehta and Marie Wicker, all of the trusted executive.
They discuss what it is to be truly kind as a leader and how this impacts you, your staff, your business and the world at large.
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(00:00):
Hi there, this is Rachel Stone
introducing transform your
leadership, all elements of
leadership, but especially
transformational leadership,
which includes learning to be
a coach when you're a leader.
All coaches are leaders, but
not all leaders are coaches.
And my mission is
to help solve that.
I hope you enjoy.
We're on habit number nine,
(00:21):
which is choosing to be kind.
And I'll just recap for
those people who may not have
been here at the beginning.
We are looking at the work of Dr.
John Blakey and the
Trusted Executive.
We are all team members here
from the Associates of Coaching.
I'll introduce all my guests.
I have Ruchi Shah-Mehta.
She's a co chair of the fellowship
board along with Sharon Curry
(00:42):
is also the same, but Sharon
is also a managing partner.
And we've got executive
coach, Marie Wicker, who's
also part of our team.
In the model that Dr.
John Blakey made, he worked
out that a massive amount
of academic research into
trust throughout the world.
And also he did intensive
case study work with over
three or 400 chief executive
officers and business owners.
(01:04):
And did a massive study for his
PhD to work out the benefits
of trust in leadership.
And what does trust look like?
What habits do you need to
exhibit in order to build
trust based relationships?
This is so important now as
the kindness economy emerges
and so this habit number
nine is one of my favorites.
I'm a big fan of the kindness
economy, the B Corp movement and
(01:25):
moving away from the single bottom
line to the triple bottom line.
Three pillars instead of one.
We have ability, we have
integrity, and benevolence.
And the choosing to be kind
is the last habit under
that pillar of benevolence.
So I normally start with
what does kindness mean?
So I'm going to invite Marie to
start with, how does the habit
(01:46):
of kindness manifest itself?
in the workplace
if you're a leader.
It's an interesting one, the
topic of kindness, Rachel,
because I think everybody likes
to think that they're kind.
But in the context of being
a kind leader, according to
John's research, it's those,
little random acts of kindness.
It's about consistency.
It's the small things that are
all about bringing happiness
(02:07):
and joy to other people.
, We are a servant to the
people that we serve.
And it can seem very simple, but
I think it's easy in the world of,
leadership and business to be so
focused on the delivery that we
forget the difference that those
random acts of kindness can have.
That's so good to bring that
in because in the book he
talks about the TNTs and TNT
(02:28):
is associated with dynamite and
it's tiny noticeable things.
which can explode, but in a
good way, a tiny little bit of
something taking the time to care,
even just to say hello nicely.
And for example, , a little
thing I remember when I worked
at the college, when somebody in
staff cohort had passed an exam.
In studying in their own time,
(02:49):
the college manager at the
time took time out to go down
to the member of staff to
congratulate her privately.
The worst thing he could have
done for her would have been to
do that in the staff briefing.
She would have been
mortified with that.
So he knew that about her.
He was very kind.
He didn't do what he wanted to
do, make a big presentation.
He did what she wanted to do.
And with kindness, he went
(03:11):
down to her own office.
And quietly, one on one
congratulated her, a tiny little
thing, TNT, but it was always
remembered the way that he made
her feel in that one moment.
So anything you'd like to add
to that, Ruchi, as , a chief
executive coach, have you
examined any of these habits?
From my experience of working with
CXOs and senior leaders and chief
(03:31):
executives, one of the things that
always comes up is this conscious
choice that leaders can make.
And when they make it,
It's the purple dye effect.
It's a little act and it has
a huge impact on people around
them and that sense of belonging.
It impacts how people
feel in an organization.
So, , one of my clients is actually
(03:51):
reflecting on something that
happened just a few weeks ago.
this is a CXO who was working
with his team preparing
for a very big project.
And he said the fact that we were
working very late that evening
and the chief executive on her way
out, actually stopped by because
she noticed there's a room full of
people and lots of stuff going on.
Curiously just stopped by and
(04:13):
said, , Oh, what's going on here?
, showed that curiosity and thanked
everyone for staying up so late
and doing what they were doing.
That made massive difference.
And this person was reflecting
on the lift of energy they
felt and the work that,
, carried on beyond that.
So there is a huge link to how
people feel , when you see these
little moments of kindness.
I really enjoy hearing
(04:33):
about that because it's
so easy to forget that.
And in the work, they talk about,
, what's the opposite of kindness.
And it's not cruelty, surprisingly.
It's neglect.
If you neglect.
to make a point of
noticing these things.
It comes over as unkind when
actually, it's just careless.
It's not that you care less,
(04:53):
it's just careless to not make a
point of doing the tiny things.
And on that note, I'd like to
mention that, I've found some
synergy with other pieces of
work that I've come across in the
past and they do say, , there's
no such thing as new content,
but actually I can see the dots
joining up and way back, seven
years ago, I think it was, I saw
a TEDx talk by Sean Acre and his
(05:14):
piece of research that he did,
the happiness advantage is great
little book in there, actually.
It's a fantastic
video to show teams.
How do you create happiness?
And one of the things in his
ingredients and in his recipes,
I I'll let you look that up
and find it for yourself.
The Happiness Advantage, Sean Aker.
And he was saying one of the
things that builds happiness is
deliberately choosing to carry
(05:34):
out random acts of kindness.
And if you put that into the
workspace, if it's one of those
little habits that people all
points of the organization do, you
create that wonderful atmosphere,
which builds that sense of
belonging, like you've mentioned
Ruchi, but also it's something
that everyone looks forward to
and it makes you feel good as
well as the people receiving it.
Deliberately working on being your
(05:56):
best self every day by thinking,
well, how can I be kind today?
I always think of the phrase.
What experience do you want
other people to have of you?
What experience have they had?
Letting go of that, self mastery
and having an outburst of
emotion becomes neglect, which
then can become unkindness.
And the scars and the healing
that you have to do after
(06:16):
that is really hard work.
So once you've got that more
conscious level, like you
mentioned, Ruchi, of becoming
kind, you avoid a lot of mistakes.
Anything in there, Sharon,
that you'd like to add around,
your experience of this habit
in your co chair, for example,
when you're leading a group?
Kindness is a way of being.
And the more you practice, the more
it becomes your authentic self.
(06:37):
I mean, some people don't declare
themselves to be particularly kind
or thoughtful people, but the more
you practice those tiny noticeable
things or random acts of kindness,
the more it becomes a way of being.
And , that way of being is
around are you inclusive?
Do you respect others?
Do you have empathy?
Do you have genuine concern?
do you just ask how somebody
is and then walk off before
(06:57):
they've finished the answer?
I've had that happen to me
before which was terribly
unkind, in a meeting room.
So Generous of spirit, giving
of yourself, giving your time,
willing to share your knowledge,
not holding things to yourself,
giving resources without
expecting anything in return.
And these habits do interlink
so much, don't they?
We've talked about how these
habits do link together so much
(07:19):
and , being humble and being
honest, being open, coming to
work with your whole self, all
of those things blend between
benevolence and integrity.
One thing I do know is
that, , if you are unkind,
the damage that you do creates
such amount of work to repair.
So , it's a great
habit to get into.
But where are the tensions
then perhaps with other habits?
(07:40):
If you're going around just
being kind all day, what
might be an outcome from that?
If you just focus
entirely on this one?
Honesty.
Definitely a tension with kindness
there because it takes a lot of
skill and it takes sensitivity to
deliver honest feedback, especially
when it's around performance
in a constructive manner.
But we know that it's a kindness
(08:00):
because without delivering that
feedback, you are disabling a
person from actually reaching their
potential and having a feedback
interview or review once a year
or once every six months where
somebody's just battered with
all the things that they could be
doing better is not a kindness.
There's a real tension
between, , honest feedback and
the skill it takes to be kind.
(08:21):
Generally speaking, people
like to tell other people what
they think they want to hear.
And that's not an
authentic way to lead.
I always remember back in the day,
that series, Are You Being Served?
And the old Mr.
Grace used to come out of the lift
and lift up his walking stick and
go, You're all doing very well.
or maybe he meant to be kind,
but it wasn't very genuine
(08:42):
because not everybody in
that arena was doing well.
And I know it's only a fictional
character, but if you replicate
that into business world, if
you've constantly got a leader
who comes in, you're my stars,
you're my super team, my fab
team, giving everybody really
great, , encouraging empty
vacuous statements, but never
giving attention to detail,
really noticing great performance
(09:04):
and taking the expertise to
feedback around good performance
as equally strongly as feeding
back about less good performance.
And I think in my experience, it's
the single biggest headache that
a lot of new leaders have that
responsibility to provide feedback
and learning that one simple skill.
And here I'll make a little plug
for coaching because it's a great
thing to discuss with your coach.
(09:26):
So I put a sneaky plug in there
if you are struggling as a leader
with feeling, , it's much easier
to go and talk to three other
people down the corridor about
somebody's poor performance,
but not to actually sit in
front of somebody and explain
how they could be doing better.
That's something as
immediately a piece of skill
you can learn to do it well.
When things have gone well and
when things aren't going well
(09:46):
and wouldn't that be great?
We could fix that one.
, Brene Brown I love her quote.
It's kind to be clear
and I use a lot, with my
clients, within my family.
Going back to Sharon's point,
if you do it in the right way,
it can be very kind because
you are helping that person
increase their self-awareness
of behavior that isn't.
helping other people
or helping them.
And that's kind, isn't it?
(10:07):
Also the Johari window, , when
people can't see their own
blind spots, I remember when I
was at the college, one of the
things I always used to get the
job of telling students about
their personal hygiene, if we
had somebody who, for example,
might not might not be aware.
of the fact that their
personal hygiene was
affecting other students.
I always got that job, , I did
learn some quite good skills from
(10:28):
some other colleagues about how to
deliver that kindly, because you
don't want to smash somebody's self
worth by saying, God, you stink.
But, We did actually find a
routine that worked, that was
quite kind, and we helped them
with their self awareness.
And we don't know what we don't
know until someone helps us.
And another way, whenever I
deliver this training, I always
say about my great auntie
Vera, always giving me peach
(10:48):
talcum powder for Christmas.
And she didn't know I had
12 bottles because I never
really liked it or used it.
But I was very compromised about
telling her, please don't give
me any more peach talcum powder.
But you can imagine that
replicated throughout business
where people don't know how
to provide that kind message
about how somebody can improve.
Again, kindness does cause
tension with delivery, doesn't it?
(11:08):
Yeah,
The two other habits that
it is in tension with the
most are delivery, as you've
mentioned, and being brave.
So delivery I think that's the
most obvious, because under time
pressures, under results pressures
it's very easy to break trust by
a harsh word or a pressure, or
not having the empathy, actually
doing all of the aspects opposite
(11:29):
of what we said kindness was.
So that comes into tension a
lot because of course, a lot of
businesses out there are under
a lot of pressure to deliver.
So, how do you consciously
bring kindness to the
foreground and keep it kind.
And that requires an openness
and an honesty and a very safe
environment that we talk about in
order to be able to say, wait a
minute, we're crossing our values.
(11:50):
We're crossing our boundaries here.
, we need to feed back in
general that we're not
being particularly kind.
And the other, habit
is around being brave.
There's a tension there because
for leaders, they have to be brave.
in decision making that can
require really tough choices and
those tough choices might not
appear kind in the short term.
(12:10):
And so for everybody, leaders have,
the difficult job and they have
to make those tough decisions.
So they do have to deliver
and being brave brings tension
with that kindness habit.
For any leader who thinks
actually kindness is, hard, and
it's a thing that you park at
the distance because it comes
at the detriment of productivity
or results or anything else.
(12:31):
I think there's something that
we need to hold here around
kindness with boundaries.
That is what we're talking about.
And
actually when you keep the
honesty, when you keep the
openness, when you keep.
, even using that coaching approach,
all of that within that sense of
care and empathy, that kindness
is palpable, and that kindness
is authentic, and that kindness
(12:53):
is in the best interest of
all these human beings who are
working with you and for you.
Absolutely.
I bring to mind the word dignity.
And when I was doing my management
training at Safeways 30 years
ago now, I remember we had
some young children in the
car park on their skateboards.
And lots of customers were coming
in to complain and the store
manager at the time, he said,
Oh, I'm going to go down there
(13:13):
and give him a piece of my mind.
And the other assistant
manager, was a young chap and
he said, Oh no, let me go.
He said they need to keep their
dignity when we're talking to them.
And I always remember that, people
come to work and, they really
want to preserve the dignity
and being kind by talking to
somebody in a manner, which helps
them to realize their own issue,
(13:34):
without clamping down being in
this closed manner of talking.
And I always remember that, and I
think, , that's such a good phrase.
people come to work and they do
want to maintain their dignity.
And if you're being unkind
to somebody, what you get
back is more unkindness.
And that's never going to
repair or solve any problems.
So it's a, really
difficult habit to keep.
I keep seeing these sticks with
(13:55):
all these habits on the top where
everyone has to keep going between
all of the habits and making
sure that they're perhaps not
dwelling on just being kind, but
making sure they're delivering,
remembering to be consistent.
It is quite a lot.
And I think , exploring it in
these ways, hopefully we've enabled
people to see that there are Lots
of things to consider if you want
to be in this kindness economy,
(14:15):
being a trusted executive, but
trust is paramount now, as the
technology increases, and we're
finding it ever so much harder
to discern what's true, what's
fake, , what can we rely on?
is something a threat?
Is it something that we
can take at face value?
I'd really like to flag up the
self assessment tool, freely
available on the website, www.
(14:36):
trustedexecutive.
com.
It's a free tool there, and you can
do a self assessment around your
own levels of all of these habits.
I like the questions in here.
Choosing to be kind, habit nine.
I practice random acts of
kindness in the workplace.
Now if you can always say,
well I always do that, or
if you're somebody who's
never done that, maybe that's
something to think about.
The next one is, I show
(14:57):
empathy and care when
dealing with others at work.
I think that's quite a challenge,
like you've said Sharon,
with all those things around
delivery, but where would you
place yourself on that scale
between never and always?
That's And then I expect others
to show care and kindness at
work and I think that links
back to values in the workplace.
And what we've said right
(15:18):
throughout this whole series,
clearly defined expectations.
What are the values?
And what behaviors go
alongside those values?
Would you consider that
to be a kind behavior
or an unkind behavior?
Does it sit in line
with our values?
And if you haven't got values
set out clearly for people to
see and refer to, it makes it
all much harder for people.
(15:39):
A brilliant example of a leader
who demonstrates all of the habits,
I would say, is Gary Grant, the
founder and the chairman of The
Entertainer, the huge toy store.
You talk about, , kindness,
encouraging others
to be kind as well.
He approaches it from a staff
perspective, from a customer
perspective, but also that
encouraging others to be kind.
(15:59):
So he gives all his staff Sundays
off, as a gesture of kindness,
because he doesn't believe that
staff should work on Sundays.
They should have a day with
their family, day of rest.
He provides steps for kids to
approach the counters in the store.
So the children could go
in and actually pay and ask
questions, which is brilliant.
But also not only as a charity,
do they generously give millions
(16:19):
of pounds to charities, but also
he encourages giving by his staff
through payroll giving as well.
I recently heard a talk
from him and it was
really, really inspiring.
Very successful,
multimillion pound business.
We can't ignore the fact all
organizations are open to scrutiny.
And the way you conduct yourself
for your stakeholders, which is
now so apparent, whether you're
(16:41):
just providing lip service,
and you've got great marketing,
or you are truly doing the
things that you say you do.
If you've got something where they
say one thing and they do exactly
what they say they do, that's going
to give them more trust, which is
going to create better results.
And that's really what this whole
series is about, building trust,
which gives you so many benefits.
I would like to just bring in
(17:02):
here the piece of work that made
me really think about this when
I was preparing for this session,
which was, can't ignore this book.
The seven habits of
highly effective people.
It's another really good book.
I've noticed in there that there's
an overlap between all of these
things as they come together,
the emotional bank account, , you
put deposits in like you would
in a normal bank account and an
act of unkindness would, take
(17:22):
some deposits out and it's only
so many things that you can do
that would make it go overdrawn.
And I think, , it's really a
great way to think about it.
tiny little noticeable things
that you regularly do that are
consistent pieces of kind behavior.
Keep regularly putting emotional
deposits in people's bank accounts.
That means if they say, for
example, could you stay late?
(17:43):
Of course you can, because
people work for people because
they believe in what they
stand for, and if they haven't
been kind, they won't feel so
trusting to give of themselves.
I choose to give my trust to
somebody else's trustworthiness.
Just as you're sharing that,
it has such a big connection
with that sense of belonging.
And I'm just going to go back to,
(18:04):
, the famous Maya Angelou quote.
People will forget what you say.
People will forget what you did.
People will never forget
how you make them feel.
Kindness being modelled at the top.
It has a huge impact on how you
make people feel and a huge impact
on the health of the organization,
well being of individuals.
So it's lovely how we've talked
around the habits and we come
(18:25):
back to what I sometimes feel
is at the heart of all the
habits , holding that kindness.
You can train people on empathy
and lots of other things.
But actually, if they don't
experience that kindness
from the top, that culture
is never going to shift.
And there's lots examples you
possibly can relate to this great
book, Turn That Ship Around,
where the officers were eating
separately and, , there was all
(18:46):
this categorization of, , you're
entitled to park in that car
park in some organizations,
but you can't park there.
All of those little things that
make it feel like there's a
them and us and those people
are unkind because they've
got this different status.
It makes people feel less
but somebody's got that
structure but they come in
and they're kind anyway.
You can forgive them for the
fact that they've got these other
(19:06):
things that you're not entitled to.
They can come in and say, oh no,
it's okay, you can go in front of
me or those tiny little things.
The courtesy to greet
effectively can go a long way.
Very busy executives with so much
pressure and the worries of the
world on their shoulders, walking
into a room and I always say,
, what do you fill a room with?
If they can just come in and
give a kind greeting to somebody,
(19:26):
this goes a long way, doesn't it?
it can cost you a tiny amount of
time, but can build such a big
effect that goes on lasting , a
gift that keeps on giving in a way.
It's like all of these things,
they're so easy to undo
and it's just a habit to do
that you build consistently.
Well, we've come to the end of our
long series there we've promised
to deliver nine days of learning
(19:48):
about the trusted executive.
We hope that we've spiked an
interest with people and that
they want to find out more.
They want to find out more
about the fellowship board.
We've got an event coming
up on the 12th of March.
Sharon, here's the person to
reach out to, that's Sharon Curry.
We might have a bit of a
waiting list for that event
now, but we run them regularly.
Like to flag up the
free assessment tool.
We'd like to offer our support
(20:09):
to leadership teams out there
who want to build the correct
culture to move forward and to
lift their whole organization up
through a culture of kindness,
but also through building
trust based relationships.
enhancing reputations and
delivering results and trust is
such a key part of that and we
hope we've unpacked that for you
that you're clearer and that you
feel confident to reach out to us.
Hi there, this is Rachel Stone
introducing transform your
leadership, all elements of
leadership, but especially
transformational leadership,
which includes learning to be
a coach when you're a leader.
All coaches are leaders, but
not all leaders are coaches.
And my mission is
to help solve that.
I hope you enjoy.
We're on habit number nine,
(00:21):
which is choosing to be kind.
And I'll just recap for
those people who may not have
been here at the beginning.
We are looking at the work of Dr.
John Blakey and the
Trusted Executive.
We are all team members here
from the Associates of Coaching.
I'll introduce all my guests.
I have Ruchi Shah-Mehta.
She's a co chair of the fellowship
board along with Sharon Curry
(00:42):
is also the same, but Sharon
is also a managing partner.
And we've got executive
coach, Marie Wicker, who's
also part of our team.
In the model that Dr.
John Blakey made, he worked
out that a massive amount
of academic research into
trust throughout the world.
And also he did intensive
case study work with over
three or 400 chief executive
officers and business owners.
(01:04):
And did a massive study for his
PhD to work out the benefits
of trust in leadership.
And what does trust look like?
What habits do you need to
exhibit in order to build
trust based relationships?
This is so important now as
the kindness economy emerges
and so this habit number
nine is one of my favorites.
I'm a big fan of the kindness
economy, the B Corp movement and
(01:25):
moving away from the single bottom
line to the triple bottom line.
Three pillars instead of one.
We have ability, we have
integrity, and benevolence.
And the choosing to be kind
is the last habit under
that pillar of benevolence.
So I normally start with
what does kindness mean?
So I'm going to invite Marie to
start with, how does the habit
(01:46):
of kindness manifest itself?
in the workplace
if you're a leader.
It's an interesting one, the
topic of kindness, Rachel,
because I think everybody likes
to think that they're kind.
But in the context of being
a kind leader, according to
John's research, it's those,
little random acts of kindness.
It's about consistency.
It's the small things that are
all about bringing happiness
(02:07):
and joy to other people.
, We are a servant to the
people that we serve.
And it can seem very simple, but
I think it's easy in the world of,
leadership and business to be so
focused on the delivery that we
forget the difference that those
random acts of kindness can have.
That's so good to bring that
in because in the book he
talks about the TNTs and TNT
(02:28):
is associated with dynamite and
it's tiny noticeable things.
which can explode, but in a
good way, a tiny little bit of
something taking the time to care,
even just to say hello nicely.
And for example, , a little
thing I remember when I worked
at the college, when somebody in
staff cohort had passed an exam.
In studying in their own time,
(02:49):
the college manager at the
time took time out to go down
to the member of staff to
congratulate her privately.
The worst thing he could have
done for her would have been to
do that in the staff briefing.
She would have been
mortified with that.
So he knew that about her.
He was very kind.
He didn't do what he wanted to
do, make a big presentation.
He did what she wanted to do.
And with kindness, he went
(03:11):
down to her own office.
And quietly, one on one
congratulated her, a tiny little
thing, TNT, but it was always
remembered the way that he made
her feel in that one moment.
So anything you'd like to add
to that, Ruchi, as , a chief
executive coach, have you
examined any of these habits?
From my experience of working with
CXOs and senior leaders and chief
(03:31):
executives, one of the things that
always comes up is this conscious
choice that leaders can make.
And when they make it,
It's the purple dye effect.
It's a little act and it has
a huge impact on people around
them and that sense of belonging.
It impacts how people
feel in an organization.
So, , one of my clients is actually
(03:51):
reflecting on something that
happened just a few weeks ago.
this is a CXO who was working
with his team preparing
for a very big project.
And he said the fact that we were
working very late that evening
and the chief executive on her way
out, actually stopped by because
she noticed there's a room full of
people and lots of stuff going on.
Curiously just stopped by and
(04:13):
said, , Oh, what's going on here?
, showed that curiosity and thanked
everyone for staying up so late
and doing what they were doing.
That made massive difference.
And this person was reflecting
on the lift of energy they
felt and the work that,
, carried on beyond that.
So there is a huge link to how
people feel , when you see these
little moments of kindness.
I really enjoy hearing
(04:33):
about that because it's
so easy to forget that.
And in the work, they talk about,
, what's the opposite of kindness.
And it's not cruelty, surprisingly.
It's neglect.
If you neglect.
to make a point of
noticing these things.
It comes over as unkind when
actually, it's just careless.
It's not that you care less,
(04:53):
it's just careless to not make a
point of doing the tiny things.
And on that note, I'd like to
mention that, I've found some
synergy with other pieces of
work that I've come across in the
past and they do say, , there's
no such thing as new content,
but actually I can see the dots
joining up and way back, seven
years ago, I think it was, I saw
a TEDx talk by Sean Acre and his
(05:14):
piece of research that he did,
the happiness advantage is great
little book in there, actually.
It's a fantastic
video to show teams.
How do you create happiness?
And one of the things in his
ingredients and in his recipes,
I I'll let you look that up
and find it for yourself.
The Happiness Advantage, Sean Aker.
And he was saying one of the
things that builds happiness is
deliberately choosing to carry
(05:34):
out random acts of kindness.
And if you put that into the
workspace, if it's one of those
little habits that people all
points of the organization do, you
create that wonderful atmosphere,
which builds that sense of
belonging, like you've mentioned
Ruchi, but also it's something
that everyone looks forward to
and it makes you feel good as
well as the people receiving it.
Deliberately working on being your
(05:56):
best self every day by thinking,
well, how can I be kind today?
I always think of the phrase.
What experience do you want
other people to have of you?
What experience have they had?
Letting go of that, self mastery
and having an outburst of
emotion becomes neglect, which
then can become unkindness.
And the scars and the healing
that you have to do after
(06:16):
that is really hard work.
So once you've got that more
conscious level, like you
mentioned, Ruchi, of becoming
kind, you avoid a lot of mistakes.
Anything in there, Sharon,
that you'd like to add around,
your experience of this habit
in your co chair, for example,
when you're leading a group?
Kindness is a way of being.
And the more you practice, the more
it becomes your authentic self.
(06:37):
I mean, some people don't declare
themselves to be particularly kind
or thoughtful people, but the more
you practice those tiny noticeable
things or random acts of kindness,
the more it becomes a way of being.
And , that way of being is
around are you inclusive?
Do you respect others?
Do you have empathy?
Do you have genuine concern?
do you just ask how somebody
is and then walk off before
(06:57):
they've finished the answer?
I've had that happen to me
before which was terribly
unkind, in a meeting room.
So Generous of spirit, giving
of yourself, giving your time,
willing to share your knowledge,
not holding things to yourself,
giving resources without
expecting anything in return.
And these habits do interlink
so much, don't they?
We've talked about how these
habits do link together so much
(07:19):
and , being humble and being
honest, being open, coming to
work with your whole self, all
of those things blend between
benevolence and integrity.
One thing I do know is
that, , if you are unkind,
the damage that you do creates
such amount of work to repair.
So , it's a great
habit to get into.
But where are the tensions
then perhaps with other habits?
(07:40):
If you're going around just
being kind all day, what
might be an outcome from that?
If you just focus
entirely on this one?
Honesty.
Definitely a tension with kindness
there because it takes a lot of
skill and it takes sensitivity to
deliver honest feedback, especially
when it's around performance
in a constructive manner.
But we know that it's a kindness
(08:00):
because without delivering that
feedback, you are disabling a
person from actually reaching their
potential and having a feedback
interview or review once a year
or once every six months where
somebody's just battered with
all the things that they could be
doing better is not a kindness.
There's a real tension
between, , honest feedback and
the skill it takes to be kind.
(08:21):
Generally speaking, people
like to tell other people what
they think they want to hear.
And that's not an
authentic way to lead.
I always remember back in the day,
that series, Are You Being Served?
And the old Mr.
Grace used to come out of the lift
and lift up his walking stick and
go, You're all doing very well.
or maybe he meant to be kind,
but it wasn't very genuine
(08:42):
because not everybody in
that arena was doing well.
And I know it's only a fictional
character, but if you replicate
that into business world, if
you've constantly got a leader
who comes in, you're my stars,
you're my super team, my fab
team, giving everybody really
great, , encouraging empty
vacuous statements, but never
giving attention to detail,
really noticing great performance
(09:04):
and taking the expertise to
feedback around good performance
as equally strongly as feeding
back about less good performance.
And I think in my experience, it's
the single biggest headache that
a lot of new leaders have that
responsibility to provide feedback
and learning that one simple skill.
And here I'll make a little plug
for coaching because it's a great
thing to discuss with your coach.
(09:26):
So I put a sneaky plug in there
if you are struggling as a leader
with feeling, , it's much easier
to go and talk to three other
people down the corridor about
somebody's poor performance,
but not to actually sit in
front of somebody and explain
how they could be doing better.
That's something as
immediately a piece of skill
you can learn to do it well.
When things have gone well and
when things aren't going well
(09:46):
and wouldn't that be great?
We could fix that one.
, Brene Brown I love her quote.
It's kind to be clear
and I use a lot, with my
clients, within my family.
Going back to Sharon's point,
if you do it in the right way,
it can be very kind because
you are helping that person
increase their self-awareness
of behavior that isn't.
helping other people
or helping them.
And that's kind, isn't it?
(10:07):
Also the Johari window, , when
people can't see their own
blind spots, I remember when I
was at the college, one of the
things I always used to get the
job of telling students about
their personal hygiene, if we
had somebody who, for example,
might not might not be aware.
of the fact that their
personal hygiene was
affecting other students.
I always got that job, , I did
learn some quite good skills from
(10:28):
some other colleagues about how to
deliver that kindly, because you
don't want to smash somebody's self
worth by saying, God, you stink.
But, We did actually find a
routine that worked, that was
quite kind, and we helped them
with their self awareness.
And we don't know what we don't
know until someone helps us.
And another way, whenever I
deliver this training, I always
say about my great auntie
Vera, always giving me peach
(10:48):
talcum powder for Christmas.
And she didn't know I had
12 bottles because I never
really liked it or used it.
But I was very compromised about
telling her, please don't give
me any more peach talcum powder.
But you can imagine that
replicated throughout business
where people don't know how
to provide that kind message
about how somebody can improve.
Again, kindness does cause
tension with delivery, doesn't it?
(11:08):
Yeah,
The two other habits that
it is in tension with the
most are delivery, as you've
mentioned, and being brave.
So delivery I think that's the
most obvious, because under time
pressures, under results pressures
it's very easy to break trust by
a harsh word or a pressure, or
not having the empathy, actually
doing all of the aspects opposite
(11:29):
of what we said kindness was.
So that comes into tension a
lot because of course, a lot of
businesses out there are under
a lot of pressure to deliver.
So, how do you consciously
bring kindness to the
foreground and keep it kind.
And that requires an openness
and an honesty and a very safe
environment that we talk about in
order to be able to say, wait a
minute, we're crossing our values.
(11:50):
We're crossing our boundaries here.
, we need to feed back in
general that we're not
being particularly kind.
And the other, habit
is around being brave.
There's a tension there because
for leaders, they have to be brave.
in decision making that can
require really tough choices and
those tough choices might not
appear kind in the short term.
(12:10):
And so for everybody, leaders have,
the difficult job and they have
to make those tough decisions.
So they do have to deliver
and being brave brings tension
with that kindness habit.
For any leader who thinks
actually kindness is, hard, and
it's a thing that you park at
the distance because it comes
at the detriment of productivity
or results or anything else.
(12:31):
I think there's something that
we need to hold here around
kindness with boundaries.
That is what we're talking about.
And
actually when you keep the
honesty, when you keep the
openness, when you keep.
, even using that coaching approach,
all of that within that sense of
care and empathy, that kindness
is palpable, and that kindness
is authentic, and that kindness
(12:53):
is in the best interest of
all these human beings who are
working with you and for you.
Absolutely.
I bring to mind the word dignity.
And when I was doing my management
training at Safeways 30 years
ago now, I remember we had
some young children in the
car park on their skateboards.
And lots of customers were coming
in to complain and the store
manager at the time, he said,
Oh, I'm going to go down there
(13:13):
and give him a piece of my mind.
And the other assistant
manager, was a young chap and
he said, Oh no, let me go.
He said they need to keep their
dignity when we're talking to them.
And I always remember that, people
come to work and, they really
want to preserve the dignity
and being kind by talking to
somebody in a manner, which helps
them to realize their own issue,
(13:34):
without clamping down being in
this closed manner of talking.
And I always remember that, and I
think, , that's such a good phrase.
people come to work and they do
want to maintain their dignity.
And if you're being unkind
to somebody, what you get
back is more unkindness.
And that's never going to
repair or solve any problems.
So it's a, really
difficult habit to keep.
I keep seeing these sticks with
(13:55):
all these habits on the top where
everyone has to keep going between
all of the habits and making
sure that they're perhaps not
dwelling on just being kind, but
making sure they're delivering,
remembering to be consistent.
It is quite a lot.
And I think , exploring it in
these ways, hopefully we've enabled
people to see that there are Lots
of things to consider if you want
to be in this kindness economy,
(14:15):
being a trusted executive, but
trust is paramount now, as the
technology increases, and we're
finding it ever so much harder
to discern what's true, what's
fake, , what can we rely on?
is something a threat?
Is it something that we
can take at face value?
I'd really like to flag up the
self assessment tool, freely
available on the website, www.
(14:36):
trustedexecutive.
com.
It's a free tool there, and you can
do a self assessment around your
own levels of all of these habits.
I like the questions in here.
Choosing to be kind, habit nine.
I practice random acts of
kindness in the workplace.
Now if you can always say,
well I always do that, or
if you're somebody who's
never done that, maybe that's
something to think about.
The next one is, I show
(14:57):
empathy and care when
dealing with others at work.
I think that's quite a challenge,
like you've said Sharon,
with all those things around
delivery, but where would you
place yourself on that scale
between never and always?
That's And then I expect others
to show care and kindness at
work and I think that links
back to values in the workplace.
And what we've said right
(15:18):
throughout this whole series,
clearly defined expectations.
What are the values?
And what behaviors go
alongside those values?
Would you consider that
to be a kind behavior
or an unkind behavior?
Does it sit in line
with our values?
And if you haven't got values
set out clearly for people to
see and refer to, it makes it
all much harder for people.
(15:39):
A brilliant example of a leader
who demonstrates all of the habits,
I would say, is Gary Grant, the
founder and the chairman of The
Entertainer, the huge toy store.
You talk about, , kindness,
encouraging others
to be kind as well.
He approaches it from a staff
perspective, from a customer
perspective, but also that
encouraging others to be kind.
(15:59):
So he gives all his staff Sundays
off, as a gesture of kindness,
because he doesn't believe that
staff should work on Sundays.
They should have a day with
their family, day of rest.
He provides steps for kids to
approach the counters in the store.
So the children could go
in and actually pay and ask
questions, which is brilliant.
But also not only as a charity,
do they generously give millions
(16:19):
of pounds to charities, but also
he encourages giving by his staff
through payroll giving as well.
I recently heard a talk
from him and it was
really, really inspiring.
Very successful,
multimillion pound business.
We can't ignore the fact all
organizations are open to scrutiny.
And the way you conduct yourself
for your stakeholders, which is
now so apparent, whether you're
(16:41):
just providing lip service,
and you've got great marketing,
or you are truly doing the
things that you say you do.
If you've got something where they
say one thing and they do exactly
what they say they do, that's going
to give them more trust, which is
going to create better results.
And that's really what this whole
series is about, building trust,
which gives you so many benefits.
I would like to just bring in
(17:02):
here the piece of work that made
me really think about this when
I was preparing for this session,
which was, can't ignore this book.
The seven habits of
highly effective people.
It's another really good book.
I've noticed in there that there's
an overlap between all of these
things as they come together,
the emotional bank account, , you
put deposits in like you would
in a normal bank account and an
act of unkindness would, take
(17:22):
some deposits out and it's only
so many things that you can do
that would make it go overdrawn.
And I think, , it's really a
great way to think about it.
tiny little noticeable things
that you regularly do that are
consistent pieces of kind behavior.
Keep regularly putting emotional
deposits in people's bank accounts.
That means if they say, for
example, could you stay late?
(17:43):
Of course you can, because
people work for people because
they believe in what they
stand for, and if they haven't
been kind, they won't feel so
trusting to give of themselves.
I choose to give my trust to
somebody else's trustworthiness.
Just as you're sharing that,
it has such a big connection
with that sense of belonging.
And I'm just going to go back to,
(18:04):
, the famous Maya Angelou quote.
People will forget what you say.
People will forget what you did.
People will never forget
how you make them feel.
Kindness being modelled at the top.
It has a huge impact on how you
make people feel and a huge impact
on the health of the organization,
well being of individuals.
So it's lovely how we've talked
around the habits and we come
(18:25):
back to what I sometimes feel
is at the heart of all the
habits , holding that kindness.
You can train people on empathy
and lots of other things.
But actually, if they don't
experience that kindness
from the top, that culture
is never going to shift.
And there's lots examples you
possibly can relate to this great
book, Turn That Ship Around,
where the officers were eating
separately and, , there was all
(18:46):
this categorization of, , you're
entitled to park in that car
park in some organizations,
but you can't park there.
All of those little things that
make it feel like there's a
them and us and those people
are unkind because they've
got this different status.
It makes people feel less
but somebody's got that
structure but they come in
and they're kind anyway.
You can forgive them for the
fact that they've got these other
(19:06):
things that you're not entitled to.
They can come in and say, oh no,
it's okay, you can go in front of
me or those tiny little things.
The courtesy to greet
effectively can go a long way.
Very busy executives with so much
pressure and the worries of the
world on their shoulders, walking
into a room and I always say,
, what do you fill a room with?
If they can just come in and
give a kind greeting to somebody,
(19:26):
this goes a long way, doesn't it?
it can cost you a tiny amount of
time, but can build such a big
effect that goes on lasting , a
gift that keeps on giving in a way.
It's like all of these things,
they're so easy to undo
and it's just a habit to do
that you build consistently.
Well, we've come to the end of our
long series there we've promised
to deliver nine days of learning
(19:48):
about the trusted executive.
We hope that we've spiked an
interest with people and that
they want to find out more.
They want to find out more
about the fellowship board.
We've got an event coming
up on the 12th of March.
Sharon, here's the person to
reach out to, that's Sharon Curry.
We might have a bit of a
waiting list for that event
now, but we run them regularly.
Like to flag up the
free assessment tool.
We'd like to offer our support
(20:09):
to leadership teams out there
who want to build the correct
culture to move forward and to
lift their whole organization up
through a culture of kindness,
but also through building
trust based relationships.
enhancing reputations and
delivering results and trust is
such a key part of that and we
hope we've unpacked that for you
that you're clearer and that you
feel confident to reach out to us.
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