September 13, 2024 • 44 mins
In this episode of the Undateable Me Podcast, Jimmy Lee Lard (The Sock Snob) and DaBeamer dive into the complex world of one-night stands and hookups. Are fleeting encounters just a part of modern dating, or do they come with unexpected consequences?
Join us as we share personal stories, discuss the societal perceptions of casual relationships, and explore how dating apps have changed the game. Whether you're looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right or just Mr. or Mrs. Right Now, this episode is filled with candid conversations and real-life experiences.
We also tackle the dangers of "situationships" and the importance of recognizing when it's time to move on. Tune in for an honest, entertaining, and vulnerable discussion about the ups and downs of modern dating!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Undateable Me podcast. I am your host,
the undateable Jimmy Lillard, the Sox Knob.
And this is another episode of our weekly show that deals with the struggles
of relationships and dating.
But it's not just about the problems. We get down to the bottom of it.
We're finding solutions and we're doing it in a very entertaining way while
(00:22):
being vulnerable. All right.
So I am back with Holly DeBeamer, who is in the building with us.
All right. And in this episode, we are talking about hooking up one night stands.
Them hit or quitters. Have you ever done a one night stand? Let's go.
Music.
(00:54):
I don't like no, I changed the lights on me,
There ain't nobody getting me
I'm doing fine by myself and I like it I've been doing things by myself,
you should try it When it was together, how the bitch had me gone Now I'm by
myself and it feels good to be alone I don't wanna be with you,
(01:15):
no But I'm gonna be okay I kinda like myself,
I kind of like myself.
I kind of like myself. I don't want to be with you.
No, I want to be okay. I kind of like myself. I kind of like myself.
I kind of like myself.
(01:39):
Holly. Mm. We talking about hooking up. Hooking up. One night stands.
Fleeting encounters. I don't... Pass-a-by-coochie. Well.
So here's the thing. Dating means different things to different people, right?
(02:03):
Exactly. Because for some folks, dating is just when you are in a relationship
and you're building something, whatever.
But also, some people refer to dating as just... Okay. Okay.
And going to buy babies. Jesus. Okay. Okay, I was going to try and say that
in a different way, but yes, you got right to it.
(02:27):
So obviously, like I said, that's an important or that's one route that people
go when it comes down to dating.
And I think we need to talk about it because there's some folks who are,
you know, you're out here, you're looking for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right.
And then there are some people who are looking for Mr. Right Now and Mrs. Right Now. So...
(02:53):
With so many apps and, you know, online dating scenarios, I think that that's
just one of those things that just is and they're, you know,
tools now that make it easier to facilitate that.
Because you can on the app basically say what your intentions are,
you know, hey, I'm looking for something casual or I'm looking for a long term relationship.
(03:17):
So we basically can put put what we want out there and then have people respond to it.
Now, that said, different people look at hooking up in different ways.
Like some people look down on it or whatever.
You know, you know, we do a lot of sex shaming out out here in the world. Right.
(03:38):
Oh, sex shame. Right.
So how do you feel about hooking? I mean, I know you're married,
so, you know, that's a whole other life for you, if it even existed, you know.
But, you know, we talk about, we've been talking about throughout this series,
the whole phase and all of that stuff.
I miss my whole phase. You miss your whole phase? I did not have a whole phase.
(04:02):
So I think I missed out on something very important.
During the time that I probably should have had a whole phase,
I took some time to figure out what was what with me.
Because, you know, I was going down a path, a very depressing, vagina-filled path.
And I got off that course. I got off the vagina course. I was snatched off the
(04:28):
snatch course and ended up where I was supposed to be, right?
Living my truth, as these people say in the streets. Speak on it.
So I think that during that phase, because I didn't want to be one of the down-low people, right?
Oh, I have a song about that. Oh, maybe I'll play that for you guys. But
I didn't want to be one of those down-low people
(04:49):
who was in a relationship with
a woman And then out here sneaking off I think that
can be a dangerous because you might put yourself in some unhealthy situations
That you would not otherwise have to do Because you all don't know about that
other life where these dudes out here in these parks and alleys You don't know
(05:10):
about the parks and video rooms,
all that stuff You don't know about that Video rooms, no. Leave it alone.
Okay. So, you know, so there is a whole other world that exists for the download
folks, the trade, as we call them on our side, the trade.
I've seen that. Yeah. So, and like I said, unfortunately, it can lead to some
(05:35):
more dangerous practices.
Whereas if you were open with your sexuality or whatever, you could be in possibly
better situations that are better controlled and things like that.
So I never wanted to do that. So what I did, I said, you know what?
Until I figure out what's going on with me, I'm just going to sit back and not do anything.
(05:57):
Right. And so that was my path. And that was supposed to be the whole phase. What I'm saying is that.
That that time period is where my whole phase
would have lived so you replaced your whole phase arrived journey
self-journey yes a journey of self-improvement
and discovery but if i as i look i mean i wouldn't change anything it is what
(06:22):
it is but but who said that has to be over with like who who says you have to
put a time limit on your whole phase that is you found yourself my knees yeah
okay my knees my knees say you've been through enough.
This big back yeah this big
back say your whole face over right you
(06:44):
had your chance so until
you unbig this back but no i
i think that it was during that time probably because
there is a period in everybody's life where they're sort of like sexual
discovery or whatever sometimes it comes
as a result of some maybe you had a big
breakup you know you had that first high school sweetheart then
(07:08):
he or she breaks your heart so now you out here in these screets say it again
in these screets so i think that for me that's probably where i would have been
in that that that probably would have been the time period that that would have
taken place But I didn't have that.
So I was too busy, you know, being responsible and re- cause I was always the
(07:32):
responsible one, right?
And then I was raising a child and so on, right?
So I didn't have that whole phase, the hooking up and all of that.
So I guess I should ask you, did you have, I won't say a whole phase, but did you have.
Instances in your life where it was suitable in
(07:55):
that moment for this wasn't somebody
you knew you would be spending the rest of your life with but you
know what we're gonna get down and whatever so asking
you basically have you ever had one of those situationships not a relationship
but have you had some hey this ain't about love this is not about longevity
(08:16):
this is just we getting it in and And then, hey,
maybe we'll get it in again. So it might not necessarily be a one night stand.
But the focus of this is not a relationship.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Definitely. Damn, you said that like, hell yeah, I did.
Yeah. Because, you know, sometimes you can get with somebody and be like,
(08:36):
oh, yeah, this person ain't about shit.
I'm going to just fuck this person for the time being because I don't want to
really fuck nobody else.
But then after that, like, yeah. And you did say in one of our episodes that,
because I had mentioned, you know, some people go from relationship to relationship.
So do you think that maybe that could have driven some of that,
that there was a filler maybe?
(08:58):
Yeah, because I didn't necessarily have a ho-ho phase or even,
I didn't necessarily have a ho phase because I was in relationships.
Yeah. But I think like what really scared me was like the STDs.
Oh, baby. Like, yeah. Baby, listen. That worries me to death.
Like, okay, yeah, you use a condom or whatever, but it's just not the same.
(09:21):
Listen, remember in grade school, and, you know, I'm a little bit older than
you, but when I was in grade school,
they put the boys in one classroom and the girls in another classroom and they
show you videos and they talk to you about whatever, right?
And they show you the herpes and they show you the syphilis and the gonorrhea
(09:44):
and the AIDS, the AIDS. I was like, oh, no, we're not doing that.
So listen, I took it seriously. I was like, oh, no.
So I didn't even understand the amount of unprotected sex that people had.
Like all of my friends, when they would say stuff like, yeah,
I'm pregnant, I'd be like, how though?
(10:07):
Bitch, you didn't go to the class, you mean? Right.
Bitch, I saw you in the class, you know, across the hall.
I was like, oh, they must not have had the same conversations with y'all that
they had with the boys, right? Yeah.
That was always a big fear of mine, probably to my detriment,
too, because I probably should have been in more situations.
(10:31):
And I so I may have limited myself in that way because of that fear. I won't catch nothing.
Yeah. I don't want it. I don't want it. Nothing worse than that motherfucking
nurse coming back telling you, oh, yeah, because you feel so dirty.
You feel you roll and just scream out like it was not me.
The motherfucker i was fucking with
(10:51):
ain't shit right yeah you know so that kind of scares
you but wait i won't necessarily say i had a i've never
had a one-night stand but like you know you talk to motherfuckers you'd be like
oh okay i'm gonna fuck this person and you fuck with that person and then you
just be like oh yeah i ain't fucking with that person if it's trash or whatever
and you just don't speak to them no more yeah i i was never a so let me say
(11:14):
this i'm a relationship person.
And so that's where I thrive. And also sex is not as important to me as it may
be for another person, right?
So because I thrive off of the bond that we're creating,
I'm thriving off of doing things and building something together,
(11:35):
all of that, not necessarily off of trying to break somebody's back or whatever.
So that said, I was never into hookups and stuff like that. That never really fascinated me.
Have I hooked up? Maybe.
(11:57):
One call it a phase, maybe situation, whole situations.
Not with an S. You acting like I was out here, out here.
I was not out here, out here. so I may
or may not have had I can only think of one
that was a true met somebody let's
go do this and then let's keep
(12:19):
it moving or whatever right the most part it was now not saying that it wasn't
a situation where there were only a few times in and we just decided you know
hey this ain't for us or maybe we're not gonna work out or it just faded fizzled
out right you know didn't really you probably like that person for real.
Right, exactly. But as far as an intentional, hey, we just doing this, I can only think of one.
(12:43):
Because you do have some people that wake up with that mindset of,
oh, I'm going to go out here and fuck somebody. Yes.
They exist. I'm not that person. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm innocent, but it's just not in me.
Yeah. And I mean, it is what it is as far as I'm concerned.
Like I said, you can, And people thrive in different areas.
(13:06):
So for some people, if sex is really important to you.
And you're not in a relationship, well, you got to get it from somewhere then, you know.
Another thing, I think there is a different, or we look differently at men versus
women, and I don't think that's right.
So a man, he's so nasty. He's just out here, you know, whatever. Oh, she a hoe.
(13:30):
You know what I mean? And even the term hoe phase or whatever,
you know, we don't even really get, That really speaks more to women relationships
or situationships than men, honestly.
Men, they'll call him a dog, but they're going to call her a hoe.
And I think that the definition of it is different for everybody.
(13:51):
Because what my hoe phase definition might be, might be different from your hoe phase.
Right. Because I think people like to mix and screw dating and like a fucking.
You know what I mean? Like I can date several people. That don't mean I'm a
hoe. Right. Because what is the definition of a hoe? Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Well, actually, when it comes to being a hoe, that's when you're selling it.
(14:13):
And by the way. Prostitution.
Listen, God knew who to give the good bodies to and who not to.
Because if he gave it to me.
He'd get to you, Jimmy. It'd be on the market.
I'll be at, let times ever get hard. I'm selling bussy.
(14:36):
I'm going to be out here. They're going to pay for it. My bussy going to be,
what is it, OnlyFans? Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's going to be a post.
Now, listen, my thing is this. What can you more say?
If I'm going to be a whore, I'm going to be the best goddamn whore ever, right?
So, y'all would see mine on billboards. That's how, listen. Listen,
(14:57):
okay, because if I'm going to make money off of it, I'm going to do it right.
But no, I just, like I said, I never really had that interest in just hooking up.
And, you know, obviously there's nothing wrong with one way or another, but that just wasn't me.
And I also didn't have a string of people in and out of my life either,
(15:24):
you know. Like I said, I would prefer to build something with one person rather
than entertaining a bunch.
First of all, I had, you know, for a good chunk of a good period of time,
I had my son and I wasn't going to be parading people in and out while he was there anyway.
So I just, you know, held back a little bit, faded back. And I was like, you know what?
(15:49):
My whole phase is going to come. I was looking forward to it.
And it just never fizzled out.
It just never quite happened, you know? Yeah.
So I don't know. And you still might have a chance. You just never know.
Ooh, like I said, these old knees say otherwise.
But, and I've considered it, you know, and there's nothing.
(16:13):
I always say this. And a lot of people, when I have something like a podcast
called Undateable Me, or if I mention that,
you know, looking for love or whatever, a lot of people will say,
oh, why don't you just whatever in it?
And they always allude to like a hookup situation, right?
(16:35):
And I'm like, that's not what I'm. Listen, let me tell you something about me. Tell them.
If I wanted it, I can have it 10 minutes after you leave here today.
Because I can get them over here. Right. If I just wanted it,
right? That just has not ever really been me.
Right. I prefer. Now, I can be a freak if we need to in a relationship.
(17:02):
Okay? But as far as just out here putting it out for the block.
Right. But that goes back to you really liking it. Like, I don't think I can
have my, I don't have my best sexual experience unless I really like that person.
That person really knows me and able to elaborate to that person what I like.
And then I'm able to get from that person like what they like.
(17:25):
Yeah. Because then that makes me, that just makes the sex better. Yeah.
And the other thing is I have to think about where I am in life and where other
people in my same situation may be.
You know, I'm 47 years old, and I'm not doing the stuff that I was doing at 27. Exactly.
(17:47):
You know, I've had my club days.
I've had my partying. I've thrown better parties than some clubs might have. Yes, we have.
So I've gone through that phase, not saying that I'm done throwing parties.
Let me be very clear on that. No ditty parties.
I ain't got no problem with a ditty party. I'm joking
(18:10):
I keep you know
all these people Denying being at a Diddy party Say you would have They look
like they were good parties Now I think what it is is that Now obviously I don't
have this problem I think people are afraid of being Associated with being gay
or something Like that Look I could have went to a Diddy party You invite me to the hot tub,
(18:33):
Let me in the jacuzzi Laughter.
Hey, Diddy, you know, shit, wouldn't have bothered me.
But, of course, like I said, hey, I'm gay, so I don't have that situation. But I don't know.
Situationships. And what I mean by situationship is just, you know,
(18:55):
this was a hookup that just kept going on and on.
And sometimes people will end up in situationships that last way too long.
Like you knew from the start that this was
just a hookup or whatever yeah but you then
at some point caught some
(19:15):
feelings in the process and that's how a lot of babies have
been made by the way as well right it was never intended to be a relationship
it was supposed to be sometimes what we do is we try and apply relationship
standards to these hookup situations oh say it again that's People need to think about that.
(19:37):
I can't say it again because I can't quite remember exactly what I just said.
But yes, you know, oh, that some people apply relationship standards to hookup situations, right?
And they turn into, before you know it, you bitch. I hate that bitch.
Well, there's that. That nigga ain't shit.
It turns into now we got a pregnancy.
So now I'm stuck with this person at least for the next 18 years as we raise a child together.
(20:03):
Yeah. And it is blocking you both from who you probably should have been with
or opportunities to be with someone else.
So those situationships, you know, I learned something a long time ago.
And I'm about to give y'all some million dollar advice that I think everybody can benefit from.
(20:27):
And this does not just apply to relationships.
This applies to career situations, any opportunities in life,
anything that you're going through that is not working out the way that you
thought it would or should, and it's something that needs to end.
One of my best friends on this planet, A.L. Brown, hello, how are you?
(20:51):
Years and years ago gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten,
and I use it, I apply Apply it to so many different situations.
And it was just two simple words that he said, and it was fail faster.
Fail faster. When you have something that you know is inevitable, fail.
(21:15):
Don't let it just linger on. And I know people, I actually know somebody right
now who has been breaking up with their person for years.
It's sad. You know what I mean? It's mentally draining. And I'm not saying that
the minute things get stressful or the minute things are out of control,
you just throw it in the towel. I'm out this bitch. Right? No.
(21:37):
But you know when it's not working. But, yeah, when you know that,
you know, and like I said, that's how those situations, before you know it,
in the middle of your five-year breakup you've had
two kids and you know you
now you got a mortgage because you kept no fail
faster if you know it is inevitable that is it is going to end and by the way
(21:59):
i've known people who have gone on with stuff for way more than five years for
a decade they they've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for eight years and
stuff like they're like Like,
if y'all don't end this shit and move on.
Yeah, because now it's hindering you as a person. Yep.
So I would rather go ahead and admit, hey, this didn't.
(22:22):
I've actually known people who got married and immediately after the wedding
said, when I say immediate, I'm not saying like five minutes.
I mean, but like, you know, the honeymoon is over.
Yeah. It's been a couple months. months and what you
know i god i shouldn't have married him or her
or whatever and i remember saying leave you are worried about what people are
(22:50):
gonna oh they were only married for two months i give a damn i was see i was
gonna be nice we ain't gonna ever get no fucking sponsorship it's okay with
our language on this bitch.
Unless there's a company out here that sells fucks we ain't gonna get us for anyway so,
(23:10):
but i remember that in fact i can think of two i just thought of another person
but i remember they were complaining to me about the the wife they had just
married and the things that That she was doing it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, cut it off.
(23:30):
End it. Right? Please. Because it is inevitable that this is going to end. Right? They did not.
And let me tell you, they were divorcing longer than they were married.
You know what I mean? They were breaking up longer than they were happy.
So they were literally a couple months in Both of them, by the way Knowing that
(23:55):
this ain't gonna work It's not right You know, whatever And rather than taking
the shame of people saying And if that's the case,
Go get divorced. You ain't even got to tell your distant relatives or whatever, you know.
You just, you know, Rayshon just ain't here no more.
(24:16):
Where is he? Make up some shit. Right. Oh, he got deployed to Afghanistan.
They'd be like, I didn't know he was in the Army.
Oh, well, he is now. But, you know, whatever, right?
So, like I said, people will find themselves. And that's, like I said,
the biggest area that happens with is those situationships.
(24:36):
Things that should have never, ever become a relationship in the first place.
You should have got that D, got that little community peen.
But no, you want to sit here and try and, you know, turn the community peen
into a good old husband, you know.
When you know he just got, you know, he be under stress. That's why he were out of other girls.
(25:00):
I don't know shit. But you're right, though.
And God be showing you time after time. You just fighting to keep whatever it
is together when God himself has come down.
Let me tell you something. You
just said God, you know, will try and show you. Here's the funny thing.
Sometimes that person will show and tell you. Yes.
(25:22):
But we'll dismiss it. You know, Maya Angelou,
and I know this has been like overly quoted, it but I remember when she first
said it I was listening she was like people will tell you who they are and then
we'll dismiss it people will be they'll say something like you know well you
know me I be lied or whatever you don't be lied,
(25:43):
what the fuck he just told you right so.
I just said fuck again. We ain't getting no sponsorship. So y'all support my
channel. Y'all make sure.
But we're going to need it. Y'all get a membership because we ain't getting
no kind of sponsorship nowhere.
So and by the way, for members, I show my titties. So that's an extra perk of membership.
(26:09):
You get to see these titties, you know.
So but anyway, like I said, there's some situations that should have never happened.
And not only does God show you that, you know, this is not, since you ain't
listening to him, why not listen to the person you in a relationship with that's
telling you they ain't shit? Yeah.
(26:31):
Baby, don't say that. Or think of a plan.
Right. But because you lonely or because you want it. Come back to your mic,
baby. Come back to your mic. She done got comfortable, y'all. Y'all.
She laid back in her chair Mic Three feet from her face,
But you're right People get comfortable And people are so afraid Of what other
(26:54):
people Gonna think I've never been that way I don't give a fuck What you think
I don't care Now I don't care Do you even have to ask If I care about What people think Shit,
I I care about What you think about me As far as I can Throw a fucking house
Yeah Because you don't live my life They're going to make me with the F-bombs.
You all, because, wait, let me say this before we go on. And remember whatever you just said.
(27:20):
I know that there are a lot of people from different walks of life who watch
this show and or who listen to this podcast.
I drop F-bombs every now and then.
So for those of you who are saved and sanctified, let me reassure you that it's OK.
There is nothing in the Bible. I promise you.
(27:44):
Amen. There is nothing in the Bible that says you can't cuss.
Now, it says don't curse people.
That's some, you know, all you done to me already done to you.
Until you do right by me. Right, until you do right by me. That's a curse.
The Bible don't say nothing about cussing.
(28:06):
Now, go in there and find it. And I remember one year, my church,
we read the Bible from beginning to end.
It took us a year to do it, but we did. And you know what I didn't see in there?
Anything about cussing is not there So,
if God ain't got a problem with me cussing I don't want you to have a problem
(28:30):
Now, I want you to feel welcome to
enjoy our programming You just have to understand That every now and then,
Holly's gonna say some Say some shit, right?
I, on the other hand, as you all know Am quite innocent and I don't say such things, right?
(28:51):
But we are genuinely ourselves. Oh, I'm just, yeah.
That's all we can be. Listen, about being genuinely yourself,
I could never be, I'm this at work.
I'm this on the street.
I don't have different versions of me. Now, don't get me wrong.
(29:11):
And my language doesn't change far from this. Now, when I'm at work,
obviously I have to be a little bit more professional, but I don't really have
to code switch, as they say, because this is just it.
I don't have time to be a different person every time you turn a corner,
every time I turn a corner, because I turn too many fucking corners.
(29:32):
So there we go. No sponsorship. Support us.
So I can't be nobody else. And that includes in a relationship.
I don't need you six months in finding out things about me you didn't know and all this stuff.
And let me tell you, that is a thing. That is a real thing.
(29:55):
Not necessarily a fear, but that is a thing that I even go into a relationship
saying, you know, until we are married, I'm checking you out to see if we can
build a life together. What you like in all your seasons.
And let me tell you, you can hide a crack habit or a drug habit, period, for a long time.
(30:18):
I know people who have.
I ain't going to tell you. When this is over, I'll tell you who,
because you know, even though he's passed on now.
But anyway, but there are folks who can hide a drug habit for a year, two years, right?
So I need to see you in a bunch of different phases and seasons or whatever.
(30:41):
Now, don't get me wrong. Now, my discernment is on point. So I can pretty much
sense an asshole or issues with a person right up front. It don't take me,
like when we say fail faster, oh, I realize, like, yeah, this ain't going to
work. This ain't going to work.
Just like when I left that person at the restaurant.
So, but we'll leave that alone. We ain't going to bring up the dentist no more. Well, boy, Frank.
(31:08):
Don't know what I'm talking about. Go back to the, check out our previous episodes about boy, Frank.
That was a little bit too much.
Oh, we ain't gonna never get no sponsorship.
Damn. Oh, well, it is what it is. Yeah.
(31:30):
But remember, we're gonna have these titties available in our community.
All right so any final thoughts
on hooking up situationships one
night now one night stands you said now
that wasn't necessarily your life like i said i did have one i met somebody
(31:54):
i was trapped why am i telling y'all this i i need to get y'all out of my business
something is wrong yeah we want to hear about this because traveling sounds
good like you can travel somewhere and you Yes.
So I was traveling.
I was trying to think of when this was.
I'm not going to tell when it was. People could narrow down some details here.
(32:17):
But anyway, but I was traveling and I met someone at the airport.
And then coincidentally, we were staying at the same hotel.
That was your first time meeting that person? This is my first,
this is my one and only fleeting encounter. Mm-hmm.
(32:38):
And we got together, and I never saw that person again, ever.
Yeah, that's considered a one-night stand, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. This was a fleeting encounter, a passer in the night.
This was somebody I just happened to bump into.
We were both on the same flight. We were both seated near each other.
(33:02):
And it was almost like, okay, this is weird. This is weird.
What, I keep bumping into you or whatever? Y'all didn't get each other's numbers.
Nope. I couldn't tell you this person's name.
I can barely remember what he looked like. Is it exciting?
(33:22):
Because maybe the reason why people have these type of flings or one-night stands
is because it's a little... Yeah, and it was because, of course,
you don't know people, right? Right.
And I'm a city boy, a hood boy from the west side of Chicago.
I know I don't always act like it, but I am. Right.
So let me tell you something about black men from from hood situations.
(33:48):
They don't trust nobody.
Let me tell you, they walk around and this is not necessarily me.
I'm just saying in general, particularly heterosexual men.
So your husband probably has this trait.
They looking to figure out what somebody owns.
Oh, he on that bullshit. Look at him. Oh, why he drive around this block twice or whatever.
(34:08):
They will notice shit like that, that you be walking down, get hit in your head.
Because you ain't paying me.
But a hood dude is going to be like, I mean, they suspect everything.
Like, ain't that the same car that just drove? You know what I mean?
Stuff that we wouldn't even notice, right?
My husband asked me too, when we first started dating or hooking up,
you ain't trying to set me up as you want. And I'm just like, what?
(34:31):
Yeah, see them trusting. Jordan, can you hear me? See them trust issues in that?
So there's always that. And then what perpetuates that, like hookup situations for me.
So we talked about the whole STD thing. Because I don't want none of your herpes.
Any of that, right? But then we got the Jeffrey Dahmer thing, right?
(34:52):
Which takes it farther. So now I got to worry about if you are a psycho and.
You're going to kill me after or whatever.
Now, don't get me wrong. Let me tell you this. You're not going to kill me.
If one of us got to die, I'm going to make sure it is not me.
(35:12):
Okay. So let me be very clear about that. Now, we did, you know,
our short film series, The Letter.
Remember who the the character that
played your nephew in there remember he
died because of a hookup situation if
you remember so when she was doing the news report at the end she was talking
(35:34):
about there was this guy who had been sleeping with guys using a date and a
hookup app whatever because that's a real thing let me tell you something about
this weird thing with people Especially,
you know, and overall homophobia in our community, how we deal with gay people
and stuff like that, or just different things, period, how that contributes to that.
(35:58):
There's some people who are so ashamed of what they're doing that they,
hey, we can't let this get out or whatever.
Or if there's even an inkling of it getting out, then, you know,
you are now in a dangerous situation, you know. Right, because you don't want
that person to hurt you because you're so threatened.
(36:19):
And it goes both ways. You then have folks trying to out people and stuff like,
let me tell you something.
Let me face this way.
Let me sit up in my seat. Is the mic positioned properly? Let me say this.
My inbox over the years could end some marriages.
(36:41):
Oh, talk about it. I'm not going to talk about it in too much detail.
My conversations with folks at parties
people who have reached out to me after I came out the number of folks who have
reached out or you know seen me out and tapped me on the shoulder and said hey
(37:02):
you know what man I'm it's the same with me but I just can't do it I'm you know
they're They're in too deep or whatever, you know.
But here is the thing. I'm not going to out anybody.
I think that people should be given the grace to do it themselves at their own
pace when they feel comfortable and safe doing it, you know.
(37:28):
So I would never do it. And let me tell you, there are people,
hey, Melanie, who have been trying to get me to share the names of these folks,
these pastors and deacons, by the way. I'm going to leave that alone. Oh, my gosh.
And married folk and so on.
(37:49):
She has been trying to get me to give the names or to share the DMs or whatever.
Maybe if they subscribe to the site. Now, listen, there are things that I will
say in our community that I will not say on here.
Right. But anyway, that, you know, we'll just leave that alone.
But yeah, but I would never out anybody like that, you know. Right.
(38:13):
Because there's a lot of that going on. It is. And it's dangerous.
You know, you have people who are committing suicide because of the the quote
unquote pressures of being gay or embarrassing their family or whatever and so on.
So, you know, it's a very real thing.
So, you know, it is what it is. But I think we have exhausted this topic probably
(38:37):
as much as we need to. So I just want to thank you, of course.
Oh, no, I know one more thing.
I said, and this is what we'll go out on. Remember I told you that I had,
I said I have a download song. Nobody ever knew it was a download song.
So years ago, so I was a part of a record label years ago, and this was a song
(38:59):
I had before I joined that label.
And don't worry, my career never went anywhere. I'm not trying to impress that
on you. But I had some good songs along the way So I'm actually going to play
this song for you And I want you to listen to the words to it.
And nobody, it's so funny, because during that time I was still,
(39:20):
quote unquote, straight and straight acting and all of that dumb shit. Oh, I wasn't really.
I never, I was acting just like this then, by the way. That never changed.
So if your dumb ass didn't realize I was gay, that was just on you.
I'm just playing. Anyway, so, but, so I had this song.
Nobody ever like questioned it. I was like, y'all not really listening to these lyrics.
(39:43):
It's saying, I'm going to say these lyrics before I play it.
But it says bounce with me let's go away you
go on two I'll go on three in other words we can't
go together right no and it says nobody
nobody has to see us leave you be
discreet and I'll be discreet you know whatever I'm saying whatever nobody ever
(40:05):
caught on or whatever that's what I still want to call on right really no so
what else does Jordan do that we'd be like we're gonna to fucking hear it yeah
you're going to bed i'm all for now okay i was not expecting that.
You'd have to put a little more stuff in there right but
you're writing it and you know where you're coming from and i would say stuff
(40:27):
like you know hey you can't tell your friends what's happening you got to keep
this on the low and all of this stuff or whatever because basically i took I
took it from the standpoint of, look, do you know who I am?
I can't have my business out here in these streets, you know.
But really, it was a down-low song nobody ever caught on.
So we are going to go out to that song. It's called Bounce With Me.
(40:51):
It's on our Connections, one of the bonus tracks on our Connection album. So I will play that.
And then we will see you next week. Thank you so much for joining us.
Don't forget to subscribe.
Thank you.
Music.
Hello and welcome to the Undateable Me podcast. I am your host,
the undateable Jimmy Lillard, the Sox Knob.
And this is another episode of our weekly show that deals with the struggles
of relationships and dating.
But it's not just about the problems. We get down to the bottom of it.
We're finding solutions and we're doing it in a very entertaining way while
(00:22):
being vulnerable. All right.
So I am back with Holly DeBeamer, who is in the building with us.
All right. And in this episode, we are talking about hooking up one night stands.
Them hit or quitters. Have you ever done a one night stand? Let's go.
Music.
(00:54):
I don't like no, I changed the lights on me,
There ain't nobody getting me
I'm doing fine by myself and I like it I've been doing things by myself,
you should try it When it was together, how the bitch had me gone Now I'm by
myself and it feels good to be alone I don't wanna be with you,
(01:15):
no But I'm gonna be okay I kinda like myself,
I kind of like myself.
I kind of like myself. I don't want to be with you.
No, I want to be okay. I kind of like myself. I kind of like myself.
I kind of like myself.
(01:39):
Holly. Mm. We talking about hooking up. Hooking up. One night stands.
Fleeting encounters. I don't... Pass-a-by-coochie. Well.
So here's the thing. Dating means different things to different people, right?
(02:03):
Exactly. Because for some folks, dating is just when you are in a relationship
and you're building something, whatever.
But also, some people refer to dating as just... Okay. Okay.
And going to buy babies. Jesus. Okay. Okay, I was going to try and say that
in a different way, but yes, you got right to it.
(02:27):
So obviously, like I said, that's an important or that's one route that people
go when it comes down to dating.
And I think we need to talk about it because there's some folks who are,
you know, you're out here, you're looking for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right.
And then there are some people who are looking for Mr. Right Now and Mrs. Right Now. So...
(02:53):
With so many apps and, you know, online dating scenarios, I think that that's
just one of those things that just is and they're, you know,
tools now that make it easier to facilitate that.
Because you can on the app basically say what your intentions are,
you know, hey, I'm looking for something casual or I'm looking for a long term relationship.
(03:17):
So we basically can put put what we want out there and then have people respond to it.
Now, that said, different people look at hooking up in different ways.
Like some people look down on it or whatever.
You know, you know, we do a lot of sex shaming out out here in the world. Right.
(03:38):
Oh, sex shame. Right.
So how do you feel about hooking? I mean, I know you're married,
so, you know, that's a whole other life for you, if it even existed, you know.
But, you know, we talk about, we've been talking about throughout this series,
the whole phase and all of that stuff.
I miss my whole phase. You miss your whole phase? I did not have a whole phase.
(04:02):
So I think I missed out on something very important.
During the time that I probably should have had a whole phase,
I took some time to figure out what was what with me.
Because, you know, I was going down a path, a very depressing, vagina-filled path.
And I got off that course. I got off the vagina course. I was snatched off the
(04:28):
snatch course and ended up where I was supposed to be, right?
Living my truth, as these people say in the streets. Speak on it.
So I think that during that phase, because I didn't want to be one of the down-low people, right?
Oh, I have a song about that. Oh, maybe I'll play that for you guys. But
I didn't want to be one of those down-low people
(04:49):
who was in a relationship with
a woman And then out here sneaking off I think that
can be a dangerous because you might put yourself in some unhealthy situations
That you would not otherwise have to do Because you all don't know about that
other life where these dudes out here in these parks and alleys You don't know
(05:10):
about the parks and video rooms,
all that stuff You don't know about that Video rooms, no. Leave it alone.
Okay. So, you know, so there is a whole other world that exists for the download
folks, the trade, as we call them on our side, the trade.
I've seen that. Yeah. So, and like I said, unfortunately, it can lead to some
(05:35):
more dangerous practices.
Whereas if you were open with your sexuality or whatever, you could be in possibly
better situations that are better controlled and things like that.
So I never wanted to do that. So what I did, I said, you know what?
Until I figure out what's going on with me, I'm just going to sit back and not do anything.
(05:57):
Right. And so that was my path. And that was supposed to be the whole phase. What I'm saying is that.
That that time period is where my whole phase
would have lived so you replaced your whole phase arrived journey
self-journey yes a journey of self-improvement
and discovery but if i as i look i mean i wouldn't change anything it is what
(06:22):
it is but but who said that has to be over with like who who says you have to
put a time limit on your whole phase that is you found yourself my knees yeah
okay my knees my knees say you've been through enough.
This big back yeah this big
back say your whole face over right you
(06:44):
had your chance so until
you unbig this back but no i
i think that it was during that time probably because
there is a period in everybody's life where they're sort of like sexual
discovery or whatever sometimes it comes
as a result of some maybe you had a big
breakup you know you had that first high school sweetheart then
(07:08):
he or she breaks your heart so now you out here in these screets say it again
in these screets so i think that for me that's probably where i would have been
in that that that probably would have been the time period that that would have
taken place But I didn't have that.
So I was too busy, you know, being responsible and re- cause I was always the
(07:32):
responsible one, right?
And then I was raising a child and so on, right?
So I didn't have that whole phase, the hooking up and all of that.
So I guess I should ask you, did you have, I won't say a whole phase, but did you have.
Instances in your life where it was suitable in
(07:55):
that moment for this wasn't somebody
you knew you would be spending the rest of your life with but you
know what we're gonna get down and whatever so asking
you basically have you ever had one of those situationships not a relationship
but have you had some hey this ain't about love this is not about longevity
(08:16):
this is just we getting it in and And then, hey,
maybe we'll get it in again. So it might not necessarily be a one night stand.
But the focus of this is not a relationship.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Definitely. Damn, you said that like, hell yeah, I did.
Yeah. Because, you know, sometimes you can get with somebody and be like,
(08:36):
oh, yeah, this person ain't about shit.
I'm going to just fuck this person for the time being because I don't want to
really fuck nobody else.
But then after that, like, yeah. And you did say in one of our episodes that,
because I had mentioned, you know, some people go from relationship to relationship.
So do you think that maybe that could have driven some of that,
that there was a filler maybe?
(08:58):
Yeah, because I didn't necessarily have a ho-ho phase or even,
I didn't necessarily have a ho phase because I was in relationships.
Yeah. But I think like what really scared me was like the STDs.
Oh, baby. Like, yeah. Baby, listen. That worries me to death.
Like, okay, yeah, you use a condom or whatever, but it's just not the same.
(09:21):
Listen, remember in grade school, and, you know, I'm a little bit older than
you, but when I was in grade school,
they put the boys in one classroom and the girls in another classroom and they
show you videos and they talk to you about whatever, right?
And they show you the herpes and they show you the syphilis and the gonorrhea
(09:44):
and the AIDS, the AIDS. I was like, oh, no, we're not doing that.
So listen, I took it seriously. I was like, oh, no.
So I didn't even understand the amount of unprotected sex that people had.
Like all of my friends, when they would say stuff like, yeah,
I'm pregnant, I'd be like, how though?
(10:07):
Bitch, you didn't go to the class, you mean? Right.
Bitch, I saw you in the class, you know, across the hall.
I was like, oh, they must not have had the same conversations with y'all that
they had with the boys, right? Yeah.
That was always a big fear of mine, probably to my detriment,
too, because I probably should have been in more situations.
(10:31):
And I so I may have limited myself in that way because of that fear. I won't catch nothing.
Yeah. I don't want it. I don't want it. Nothing worse than that motherfucking
nurse coming back telling you, oh, yeah, because you feel so dirty.
You feel you roll and just scream out like it was not me.
The motherfucker i was fucking with
(10:51):
ain't shit right yeah you know so that kind of scares
you but wait i won't necessarily say i had a i've never
had a one-night stand but like you know you talk to motherfuckers you'd be like
oh okay i'm gonna fuck this person and you fuck with that person and then you
just be like oh yeah i ain't fucking with that person if it's trash or whatever
and you just don't speak to them no more yeah i i was never a so let me say
(11:14):
this i'm a relationship person.
And so that's where I thrive. And also sex is not as important to me as it may
be for another person, right?
So because I thrive off of the bond that we're creating,
I'm thriving off of doing things and building something together,
(11:35):
all of that, not necessarily off of trying to break somebody's back or whatever.
So that said, I was never into hookups and stuff like that. That never really fascinated me.
Have I hooked up? Maybe.
(11:57):
One call it a phase, maybe situation, whole situations.
Not with an S. You acting like I was out here, out here.
I was not out here, out here. so I may
or may not have had I can only think of one
that was a true met somebody let's
go do this and then let's keep
(12:19):
it moving or whatever right the most part it was now not saying that it wasn't
a situation where there were only a few times in and we just decided you know
hey this ain't for us or maybe we're not gonna work out or it just faded fizzled
out right you know didn't really you probably like that person for real.
Right, exactly. But as far as an intentional, hey, we just doing this, I can only think of one.
(12:43):
Because you do have some people that wake up with that mindset of,
oh, I'm going to go out here and fuck somebody. Yes.
They exist. I'm not that person. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm innocent, but it's just not in me.
Yeah. And I mean, it is what it is as far as I'm concerned.
Like I said, you can, And people thrive in different areas.
(13:06):
So for some people, if sex is really important to you.
And you're not in a relationship, well, you got to get it from somewhere then, you know.
Another thing, I think there is a different, or we look differently at men versus
women, and I don't think that's right.
So a man, he's so nasty. He's just out here, you know, whatever. Oh, she a hoe.
(13:30):
You know what I mean? And even the term hoe phase or whatever,
you know, we don't even really get, That really speaks more to women relationships
or situationships than men, honestly.
Men, they'll call him a dog, but they're going to call her a hoe.
And I think that the definition of it is different for everybody.
(13:51):
Because what my hoe phase definition might be, might be different from your hoe phase.
Right. Because I think people like to mix and screw dating and like a fucking.
You know what I mean? Like I can date several people. That don't mean I'm a
hoe. Right. Because what is the definition of a hoe? Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Well, actually, when it comes to being a hoe, that's when you're selling it.
(14:13):
And by the way. Prostitution.
Listen, God knew who to give the good bodies to and who not to.
Because if he gave it to me.
He'd get to you, Jimmy. It'd be on the market.
I'll be at, let times ever get hard. I'm selling bussy.
(14:36):
I'm going to be out here. They're going to pay for it. My bussy going to be,
what is it, OnlyFans? Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's going to be a post.
Now, listen, my thing is this. What can you more say?
If I'm going to be a whore, I'm going to be the best goddamn whore ever, right?
So, y'all would see mine on billboards. That's how, listen. Listen,
(14:57):
okay, because if I'm going to make money off of it, I'm going to do it right.
But no, I just, like I said, I never really had that interest in just hooking up.
And, you know, obviously there's nothing wrong with one way or another, but that just wasn't me.
And I also didn't have a string of people in and out of my life either,
(15:24):
you know. Like I said, I would prefer to build something with one person rather
than entertaining a bunch.
First of all, I had, you know, for a good chunk of a good period of time,
I had my son and I wasn't going to be parading people in and out while he was there anyway.
So I just, you know, held back a little bit, faded back. And I was like, you know what?
(15:49):
My whole phase is going to come. I was looking forward to it.
And it just never fizzled out.
It just never quite happened, you know? Yeah.
So I don't know. And you still might have a chance. You just never know.
Ooh, like I said, these old knees say otherwise.
But, and I've considered it, you know, and there's nothing.
(16:13):
I always say this. And a lot of people, when I have something like a podcast
called Undateable Me, or if I mention that,
you know, looking for love or whatever, a lot of people will say,
oh, why don't you just whatever in it?
And they always allude to like a hookup situation, right?
(16:35):
And I'm like, that's not what I'm. Listen, let me tell you something about me. Tell them.
If I wanted it, I can have it 10 minutes after you leave here today.
Because I can get them over here. Right. If I just wanted it,
right? That just has not ever really been me.
Right. I prefer. Now, I can be a freak if we need to in a relationship.
(17:02):
Okay? But as far as just out here putting it out for the block.
Right. But that goes back to you really liking it. Like, I don't think I can
have my, I don't have my best sexual experience unless I really like that person.
That person really knows me and able to elaborate to that person what I like.
And then I'm able to get from that person like what they like.
(17:25):
Yeah. Because then that makes me, that just makes the sex better. Yeah.
And the other thing is I have to think about where I am in life and where other
people in my same situation may be.
You know, I'm 47 years old, and I'm not doing the stuff that I was doing at 27. Exactly.
(17:47):
You know, I've had my club days.
I've had my partying. I've thrown better parties than some clubs might have. Yes, we have.
So I've gone through that phase, not saying that I'm done throwing parties.
Let me be very clear on that. No ditty parties.
I ain't got no problem with a ditty party. I'm joking
(18:10):
I keep you know
all these people Denying being at a Diddy party Say you would have They look
like they were good parties Now I think what it is is that Now obviously I don't
have this problem I think people are afraid of being Associated with being gay
or something Like that Look I could have went to a Diddy party You invite me to the hot tub,
(18:33):
Let me in the jacuzzi Laughter.
Hey, Diddy, you know, shit, wouldn't have bothered me.
But, of course, like I said, hey, I'm gay, so I don't have that situation. But I don't know.
Situationships. And what I mean by situationship is just, you know,
(18:55):
this was a hookup that just kept going on and on.
And sometimes people will end up in situationships that last way too long.
Like you knew from the start that this was
just a hookup or whatever yeah but you then
at some point caught some
(19:15):
feelings in the process and that's how a lot of babies have
been made by the way as well right it was never intended to be a relationship
it was supposed to be sometimes what we do is we try and apply relationship
standards to these hookup situations oh say it again that's People need to think about that.
(19:37):
I can't say it again because I can't quite remember exactly what I just said.
But yes, you know, oh, that some people apply relationship standards to hookup situations, right?
And they turn into, before you know it, you bitch. I hate that bitch.
Well, there's that. That nigga ain't shit.
It turns into now we got a pregnancy.
So now I'm stuck with this person at least for the next 18 years as we raise a child together.
(20:03):
Yeah. And it is blocking you both from who you probably should have been with
or opportunities to be with someone else.
So those situationships, you know, I learned something a long time ago.
And I'm about to give y'all some million dollar advice that I think everybody can benefit from.
(20:27):
And this does not just apply to relationships.
This applies to career situations, any opportunities in life,
anything that you're going through that is not working out the way that you
thought it would or should, and it's something that needs to end.
One of my best friends on this planet, A.L. Brown, hello, how are you?
(20:51):
Years and years ago gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten,
and I use it, I apply Apply it to so many different situations.
And it was just two simple words that he said, and it was fail faster.
Fail faster. When you have something that you know is inevitable, fail.
(21:15):
Don't let it just linger on. And I know people, I actually know somebody right
now who has been breaking up with their person for years.
It's sad. You know what I mean? It's mentally draining. And I'm not saying that
the minute things get stressful or the minute things are out of control,
you just throw it in the towel. I'm out this bitch. Right? No.
(21:37):
But you know when it's not working. But, yeah, when you know that,
you know, and like I said, that's how those situations, before you know it,
in the middle of your five-year breakup you've had
two kids and you know you
now you got a mortgage because you kept no fail
faster if you know it is inevitable that is it is going to end and by the way
(21:59):
i've known people who have gone on with stuff for way more than five years for
a decade they they've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for eight years and
stuff like they're like Like,
if y'all don't end this shit and move on.
Yeah, because now it's hindering you as a person. Yep.
So I would rather go ahead and admit, hey, this didn't.
(22:22):
I've actually known people who got married and immediately after the wedding
said, when I say immediate, I'm not saying like five minutes.
I mean, but like, you know, the honeymoon is over.
Yeah. It's been a couple months. months and what you
know i god i shouldn't have married him or her
or whatever and i remember saying leave you are worried about what people are
(22:50):
gonna oh they were only married for two months i give a damn i was see i was
gonna be nice we ain't gonna ever get no fucking sponsorship it's okay with
our language on this bitch.
Unless there's a company out here that sells fucks we ain't gonna get us for anyway so,
(23:10):
but i remember that in fact i can think of two i just thought of another person
but i remember they were complaining to me about the the wife they had just
married and the things that That she was doing it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, cut it off.
(23:30):
End it. Right? Please. Because it is inevitable that this is going to end. Right? They did not.
And let me tell you, they were divorcing longer than they were married.
You know what I mean? They were breaking up longer than they were happy.
So they were literally a couple months in Both of them, by the way Knowing that
(23:55):
this ain't gonna work It's not right You know, whatever And rather than taking
the shame of people saying And if that's the case,
Go get divorced. You ain't even got to tell your distant relatives or whatever, you know.
You just, you know, Rayshon just ain't here no more.
(24:16):
Where is he? Make up some shit. Right. Oh, he got deployed to Afghanistan.
They'd be like, I didn't know he was in the Army.
Oh, well, he is now. But, you know, whatever, right?
So, like I said, people will find themselves. And that's, like I said,
the biggest area that happens with is those situationships.
(24:36):
Things that should have never, ever become a relationship in the first place.
You should have got that D, got that little community peen.
But no, you want to sit here and try and, you know, turn the community peen
into a good old husband, you know.
When you know he just got, you know, he be under stress. That's why he were out of other girls.
(25:00):
I don't know shit. But you're right, though.
And God be showing you time after time. You just fighting to keep whatever it
is together when God himself has come down.
Let me tell you something. You
just said God, you know, will try and show you. Here's the funny thing.
Sometimes that person will show and tell you. Yes.
(25:22):
But we'll dismiss it. You know, Maya Angelou,
and I know this has been like overly quoted, it but I remember when she first
said it I was listening she was like people will tell you who they are and then
we'll dismiss it people will be they'll say something like you know well you
know me I be lied or whatever you don't be lied,
(25:43):
what the fuck he just told you right so.
I just said fuck again. We ain't getting no sponsorship. So y'all support my
channel. Y'all make sure.
But we're going to need it. Y'all get a membership because we ain't getting
no kind of sponsorship nowhere.
So and by the way, for members, I show my titties. So that's an extra perk of membership.
(26:09):
You get to see these titties, you know.
So but anyway, like I said, there's some situations that should have never happened.
And not only does God show you that, you know, this is not, since you ain't
listening to him, why not listen to the person you in a relationship with that's
telling you they ain't shit? Yeah.
(26:31):
Baby, don't say that. Or think of a plan.
Right. But because you lonely or because you want it. Come back to your mic,
baby. Come back to your mic. She done got comfortable, y'all. Y'all.
She laid back in her chair Mic Three feet from her face,
But you're right People get comfortable And people are so afraid Of what other
(26:54):
people Gonna think I've never been that way I don't give a fuck What you think
I don't care Now I don't care Do you even have to ask If I care about What people think Shit,
I I care about What you think about me As far as I can Throw a fucking house
Yeah Because you don't live my life They're going to make me with the F-bombs.
You all, because, wait, let me say this before we go on. And remember whatever you just said.
(27:20):
I know that there are a lot of people from different walks of life who watch
this show and or who listen to this podcast.
I drop F-bombs every now and then.
So for those of you who are saved and sanctified, let me reassure you that it's OK.
There is nothing in the Bible. I promise you.
(27:44):
Amen. There is nothing in the Bible that says you can't cuss.
Now, it says don't curse people.
That's some, you know, all you done to me already done to you.
Until you do right by me. Right, until you do right by me. That's a curse.
The Bible don't say nothing about cussing.
(28:06):
Now, go in there and find it. And I remember one year, my church,
we read the Bible from beginning to end.
It took us a year to do it, but we did. And you know what I didn't see in there?
Anything about cussing is not there So,
if God ain't got a problem with me cussing I don't want you to have a problem
(28:30):
Now, I want you to feel welcome to
enjoy our programming You just have to understand That every now and then,
Holly's gonna say some Say some shit, right?
I, on the other hand, as you all know Am quite innocent and I don't say such things, right?
(28:51):
But we are genuinely ourselves. Oh, I'm just, yeah.
That's all we can be. Listen, about being genuinely yourself,
I could never be, I'm this at work.
I'm this on the street.
I don't have different versions of me. Now, don't get me wrong.
(29:11):
And my language doesn't change far from this. Now, when I'm at work,
obviously I have to be a little bit more professional, but I don't really have
to code switch, as they say, because this is just it.
I don't have time to be a different person every time you turn a corner,
every time I turn a corner, because I turn too many fucking corners.
(29:32):
So there we go. No sponsorship. Support us.
So I can't be nobody else. And that includes in a relationship.
I don't need you six months in finding out things about me you didn't know and all this stuff.
And let me tell you, that is a thing. That is a real thing.
(29:55):
Not necessarily a fear, but that is a thing that I even go into a relationship
saying, you know, until we are married, I'm checking you out to see if we can
build a life together. What you like in all your seasons.
And let me tell you, you can hide a crack habit or a drug habit, period, for a long time.
(30:18):
I know people who have.
I ain't going to tell you. When this is over, I'll tell you who,
because you know, even though he's passed on now.
But anyway, but there are folks who can hide a drug habit for a year, two years, right?
So I need to see you in a bunch of different phases and seasons or whatever.
(30:41):
Now, don't get me wrong. Now, my discernment is on point. So I can pretty much
sense an asshole or issues with a person right up front. It don't take me,
like when we say fail faster, oh, I realize, like, yeah, this ain't going to
work. This ain't going to work.
Just like when I left that person at the restaurant.
So, but we'll leave that alone. We ain't going to bring up the dentist no more. Well, boy, Frank.
(31:08):
Don't know what I'm talking about. Go back to the, check out our previous episodes about boy, Frank.
That was a little bit too much.
Oh, we ain't gonna never get no sponsorship.
Damn. Oh, well, it is what it is. Yeah.
(31:30):
But remember, we're gonna have these titties available in our community.
All right so any final thoughts
on hooking up situationships one
night now one night stands you said now
that wasn't necessarily your life like i said i did have one i met somebody
(31:54):
i was trapped why am i telling y'all this i i need to get y'all out of my business
something is wrong yeah we want to hear about this because traveling sounds
good like you can travel somewhere and you Yes.
So I was traveling.
I was trying to think of when this was.
I'm not going to tell when it was. People could narrow down some details here.
(32:17):
But anyway, but I was traveling and I met someone at the airport.
And then coincidentally, we were staying at the same hotel.
That was your first time meeting that person? This is my first,
this is my one and only fleeting encounter. Mm-hmm.
(32:38):
And we got together, and I never saw that person again, ever.
Yeah, that's considered a one-night stand, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. This was a fleeting encounter, a passer in the night.
This was somebody I just happened to bump into.
We were both on the same flight. We were both seated near each other.
(33:02):
And it was almost like, okay, this is weird. This is weird.
What, I keep bumping into you or whatever? Y'all didn't get each other's numbers.
Nope. I couldn't tell you this person's name.
I can barely remember what he looked like. Is it exciting?
(33:22):
Because maybe the reason why people have these type of flings or one-night stands
is because it's a little... Yeah, and it was because, of course,
you don't know people, right? Right.
And I'm a city boy, a hood boy from the west side of Chicago.
I know I don't always act like it, but I am. Right.
So let me tell you something about black men from from hood situations.
(33:48):
They don't trust nobody.
Let me tell you, they walk around and this is not necessarily me.
I'm just saying in general, particularly heterosexual men.
So your husband probably has this trait.
They looking to figure out what somebody owns.
Oh, he on that bullshit. Look at him. Oh, why he drive around this block twice or whatever.
(34:08):
They will notice shit like that, that you be walking down, get hit in your head.
Because you ain't paying me.
But a hood dude is going to be like, I mean, they suspect everything.
Like, ain't that the same car that just drove? You know what I mean?
Stuff that we wouldn't even notice, right?
My husband asked me too, when we first started dating or hooking up,
you ain't trying to set me up as you want. And I'm just like, what?
(34:31):
Yeah, see them trusting. Jordan, can you hear me? See them trust issues in that?
So there's always that. And then what perpetuates that, like hookup situations for me.
So we talked about the whole STD thing. Because I don't want none of your herpes.
Any of that, right? But then we got the Jeffrey Dahmer thing, right?
(34:52):
Which takes it farther. So now I got to worry about if you are a psycho and.
You're going to kill me after or whatever.
Now, don't get me wrong. Let me tell you this. You're not going to kill me.
If one of us got to die, I'm going to make sure it is not me.
(35:12):
Okay. So let me be very clear about that. Now, we did, you know,
our short film series, The Letter.
Remember who the the character that
played your nephew in there remember he
died because of a hookup situation if
you remember so when she was doing the news report at the end she was talking
(35:34):
about there was this guy who had been sleeping with guys using a date and a
hookup app whatever because that's a real thing let me tell you something about
this weird thing with people Especially,
you know, and overall homophobia in our community, how we deal with gay people
and stuff like that, or just different things, period, how that contributes to that.
(35:58):
There's some people who are so ashamed of what they're doing that they,
hey, we can't let this get out or whatever.
Or if there's even an inkling of it getting out, then, you know,
you are now in a dangerous situation, you know. Right, because you don't want
that person to hurt you because you're so threatened.
(36:19):
And it goes both ways. You then have folks trying to out people and stuff like,
let me tell you something.
Let me face this way.
Let me sit up in my seat. Is the mic positioned properly? Let me say this.
My inbox over the years could end some marriages.
(36:41):
Oh, talk about it. I'm not going to talk about it in too much detail.
My conversations with folks at parties
people who have reached out to me after I came out the number of folks who have
reached out or you know seen me out and tapped me on the shoulder and said hey
(37:02):
you know what man I'm it's the same with me but I just can't do it I'm you know
they're They're in too deep or whatever, you know.
But here is the thing. I'm not going to out anybody.
I think that people should be given the grace to do it themselves at their own
pace when they feel comfortable and safe doing it, you know.
(37:28):
So I would never do it. And let me tell you, there are people,
hey, Melanie, who have been trying to get me to share the names of these folks,
these pastors and deacons, by the way. I'm going to leave that alone. Oh, my gosh.
And married folk and so on.
(37:49):
She has been trying to get me to give the names or to share the DMs or whatever.
Maybe if they subscribe to the site. Now, listen, there are things that I will
say in our community that I will not say on here.
Right. But anyway, that, you know, we'll just leave that alone.
But yeah, but I would never out anybody like that, you know. Right.
(38:13):
Because there's a lot of that going on. It is. And it's dangerous.
You know, you have people who are committing suicide because of the the quote
unquote pressures of being gay or embarrassing their family or whatever and so on.
So, you know, it's a very real thing.
So, you know, it is what it is. But I think we have exhausted this topic probably
(38:37):
as much as we need to. So I just want to thank you, of course.
Oh, no, I know one more thing.
I said, and this is what we'll go out on. Remember I told you that I had,
I said I have a download song. Nobody ever knew it was a download song.
So years ago, so I was a part of a record label years ago, and this was a song
(38:59):
I had before I joined that label.
And don't worry, my career never went anywhere. I'm not trying to impress that
on you. But I had some good songs along the way So I'm actually going to play
this song for you And I want you to listen to the words to it.
And nobody, it's so funny, because during that time I was still,
(39:20):
quote unquote, straight and straight acting and all of that dumb shit. Oh, I wasn't really.
I never, I was acting just like this then, by the way. That never changed.
So if your dumb ass didn't realize I was gay, that was just on you.
I'm just playing. Anyway, so, but, so I had this song.
Nobody ever like questioned it. I was like, y'all not really listening to these lyrics.
(39:43):
It's saying, I'm going to say these lyrics before I play it.
But it says bounce with me let's go away you
go on two I'll go on three in other words we can't
go together right no and it says nobody
nobody has to see us leave you be
discreet and I'll be discreet you know whatever I'm saying whatever nobody ever
(40:05):
caught on or whatever that's what I still want to call on right really no so
what else does Jordan do that we'd be like we're gonna to fucking hear it yeah
you're going to bed i'm all for now okay i was not expecting that.
You'd have to put a little more stuff in there right but
you're writing it and you know where you're coming from and i would say stuff
(40:27):
like you know hey you can't tell your friends what's happening you got to keep
this on the low and all of this stuff or whatever because basically i took I
took it from the standpoint of, look, do you know who I am?
I can't have my business out here in these streets, you know.
But really, it was a down-low song nobody ever caught on.
So we are going to go out to that song. It's called Bounce With Me.
(40:51):
It's on our Connections, one of the bonus tracks on our Connection album. So I will play that.
And then we will see you next week. Thank you so much for joining us.
Don't forget to subscribe.
Thank you.
Music.
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