Echoes of Apocalypses: Navigating Death, Faith, and Sexuality w/ Amber Radical

Navigating Life, Death, and Society: From Apocalyptic Visions to Generational Healing

Guest: Amber Radical (Everthing's Canceled Podcast)

This episode intertwines discussions on profound societal and personal issues, ranging from the environmental impact of disposable diapers and burial practices, to perspectives on the afterlife and body preservation. It explores the lifelong effects of religious beliefs on attitudes towards death, societal obsessions with permanence, and personal anecdotes revealing varied stances on death and the afterlife. The narrative also delves into confronting societal normativities around sexuality, gender, and relationships, discussing the rise of online sex work and the speculated future of sexual health resources amidst COVID-19. Furthermore, it addresses the cultural shift towards acknowledging life's natural cycles and speculative survival strategies in a post-apocalyptic society. The podcast also covers deeply personal and societal issues such as generational wounds, the role of religion in perpetuating rape culture, and the reevaluation of religious narratives through the lens of modern understandings of consent and autonomy. The discussions encapsulate a mix of personal journeys, societal observations, and speculative discussions on navigating life, death, intimacy, and the challenges of global crises and cultural shifts.

00:00 The Environmental and Cultural Impact of Disposable Diapers 00:18 Reflections on Death, Religion, and Family Traditions 01:41 Introducing 'Vibing the Apocalypse' Podcast 04:12 Exploring Personal Growth and Sexual Healing 05:10 Navigating the Apocalypse: Friendships, Beliefs, and Survival 12:50 Deconstructing Religion and Embracing New Beginnings 32:27 The Intersection of Birth, Death, and Sexuality in the Apocalypse 41:05 Generational Shifts in Identity and Relationships 42:11 Exploring Tribal Connections and Polycules 43:36 Navigating the Apocalypse: Sexuality, Health, and Society 45:27 The Impact of COVID on Sexual Health and Relationships 49:35 Revisiting Traditional Birth and Family Planning 51:18 Addressing the Aging Population and Leadership Dynamics 56:20 Sex Work and Isolation in the Apocalypse 01:07:56 Religion, Culture, and the Controversial Aspects of Sexuality 01:19:45 Concluding Thoughts and Future Projects

#PodcastLife #CulturalConversations #ApocalypseNow #SexualityAndSociety #ReligiousDebate #TraumaInformed #CulturalShift #SocietalImpact

Episode Transcript

(00:14):
And, and the fact that disposable diapersare 70 percent of the earth's landfill.
That's wild to me, but it also makesme think about like death and the
way that we, just the way that we,when people die, we pump them full of
formaldehyde to keep them preserved,and then we put them in metal boxes.

(00:36):
And then put them inconcrete boxes in the ground.
It's like, we're, we're, there'ssomething about our culture that
is obsessed with staying around andnot integrating back into the earth.
Yeah.
Especially for religious peoplewho think there's a whole
nother world on the other side.
Like my pastor grandparents had likeopen caskets and like the whole thing.

(00:59):
And yeah, but yeah, like from the time Iwas a child, they were We're going to die.
These are our plots.
We're already watering flowers there.
You're welcome to come water the flowers.
This is the bench we want here.
Come visit us all the time.
They were obsessed with their death,and they're like, it's gonna be amazing
because on the other side is Jesus.

(01:21):
And they were just so like sweetand humble about it, and they were
just like never living here fully.
They were always just like living on theother side, and like they're the only
ones that I think are not like totally,like they were just so genuine about
it that I was like, That's very sweet.
You're not afraid of anything.
That's kind of adorable, actually.
I kind of love that for them.

(01:41):
Yeah.
Hey, everyone.
As a kid to like go water theflowers on their plot, but Oh,
that would be a little morbid.
Although, although I thinkmy kids would dig that.
My kids have a morbid personality, and Ithink that if I was like, look, you guys,
this is where I'm going to be buried.
Water my flowers.
They would be like, yeah.

(02:02):
And also we're going toplant thorns and Dandelions.
Well, yeah, I don't know.
It was like my first introduction to deathand my grandparents were like, because you
don't think your parents are ever goingto die, but you know, your grandparents
are going to die because they're old.
And my dad's the youngest of one of seven.
So my grandparents were very old.

(02:22):
They were ancient.
They were like 70 when I wasborn and they died at like 96.
Whoa.
Oh, you have old grandparents.
I had old grandparents too.
My, my grandparents diedin like their nineties.
I had some that died in their 60s andthen those ones who died in their 90s,
like nothing would fucking kill them.
You know what killed them?
My grandpa had stage fourcancer for like 10 years.

(02:45):
He had Parkinson's, he had arthritis,he had horrible diabetes, and
you know what fucking killed him?
COVID.
COVID, damn it!
Something had to get him.
Well, hey everybody.
Welcome.
Welcome to vibing the apocalypse.
I'm your host the one and only trueprophet, the fresh King Benjamin.
It is day.
Hang on.
I got to figure this out.
I think it is day.

(03:07):
I'm keeping an apocalypse countdown.
How many days has it been?
It's on my Google thing right now.
Today is 1, 505 of the apocalypse.
Yeah, 1, 505 since March 15th whenthey all sent us home for COVID.

(03:27):
That's where I'm trackingthe apocalypse from.
And right on, right on cue, wehave mass protests in the streets.
Universities getting shut down.
Jack booted thugs going to arrest18 year olds, which is great.
Like, definitely those are the peoplewe should be arresting right now.
And Just in time to talk about allof that apocalyptic stuff, or none of

(03:48):
it, we'll see where this conversationgoes is my very good friend Amber.
And before we get to that, I just wantto do a couple quick announcements.
I have next Friday and Saturday,May 3rd and 4th, y'all.
I'm going to be back at WiseGuys, downtown Wise Guys in Salt
Lake City two nights headlining.
So, get tickets, come out enjoysome laughter while the world burns.

(04:10):
And with that, I want tointroduce you to my friend Amber.
Amber, actually I met Ambermaybe a year or maybe two ago.
You invited me to be on yourpodcast, Sex Without Fear, and
I was like, sex horrifies me.
So I definitely need tocome on this podcast.
And that was right at kind of thebeginning of my Sexual healing journey.

(04:31):
And we had a really awesome conversation.
We've stayed in touch since then.
And I'm just thrilled that youare coming on, on my podcast.
Cause you're a very successful podcaster.
You've, you have that podcast andthen you just launched another
podcast that is crushing it.
So, and we'd want to introduceyourself a little bit.
Tell us a little bit about you.
Well, first off, I'm so glad that youcalled me your friend because I was
going to be like, Oh, my friend Ben.

(04:52):
And then I was like, what if hedoesn't consider me his friend?
And then I was like, you know what?
I think this is your invitation for meto be part of your post apocalyptic crew.
A hundred percent.
That's why I have you on here.
I'm, I'm, I'm actively gatheringas many friends as I possibly can.
Because the only way that we surviveIs with friends because nothing is,

(05:16):
the government's not coming to save us.
Jesus isn't coming to save us.
The only thing that's, andwe can't save ourselves.
The only thing that's goingto save us is our friendships.
I have wondered, we'll get into thatsituation because I'm like in situations,
like the more you grow your polycule,the more drama, which I'm expecting.

(05:38):
Well, what are you?
What's your, what's your sign?
Tell me, tell me who you are.
Cause I, it might, it may just bethat we might just be different there.
Are you a Scorpio?
Okay.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So I'm a Gemini.
I want everyone to be my friend.
Not only am I a Scorpio, butI'm also a Scorpio rising.

(06:01):
I'm I've got Scorpio.
I'm in, I'm the first day of Scorpio.
So I like, I'm really, I'mreally an asshole about my sign.
I'm like, I'm superior.
Okay.
I grant you that.
I can't sting anyone.
I've got nothing.
All I can do is bounce aroundand be funny and talk to people.
That's my entire skill set.
My oldest is a gym mate.

(06:22):
But, okay, so speaking of Scorpio,I'll finish my introduction because of
course the Scorpio has the sex podcast.
Of course.
I am a jack of all trades.
So, I'm a birth doula.
I'm a doula.
I'm a birth worker.
I've begun dabbling in the ideaof doing death doula stuff.

(06:46):
And, I ha yes.
And I have all these children now thatjust run around my house that are mine.
Just three, but it's a lot.
And, I do a lot of sex positiveeducation that is geared
toward trauma informed care.
And then, yeah, I have my oldpodcast that you came on, which

(07:06):
I'm so glad that we connected over.
And my newest podcast, whicheveryone should check out, is
called Everything's Cancelled.
We do deep dives on celebritycancellations and we do a lot of
because I am who I am, we do a lotof Me Too topics and all of that.
And yeah, it's crushing it.
What the hell is happening to my podcast?
It's crazy.
It's crazy.

(07:28):
I think, I think that people aretired of being told what to do.
And what to think and whatto believe and what to say.
And so I think that anyone that can comeout and just be like, let's talk about it.
I think that, that, that authenticconversation is, is in really high demand.
Cause we're just so sick of, ofpeople telling us what is okay.

(07:52):
And what's not okay.
Well, I'm going to tell you somethinglike kind of morbid and awful.
That's true.
P Diddy.
P Diddy might be the worst thing thathappened to rap culture, but he is the
best thing to happen to my podcast.
Oh my God.
I, I'm only vaguely awareof, of the P Diddy thing.
I only vaguely aware of who P Diddy is.

(08:12):
I don't think I could tell you.
I don't think that before you saidthat he was a rapper, I could have
told you that he was a rapper.
I would have said that he did music.
I don't think I could nameyou a single P Diddy song.
You probably only know one, andit's the one that samples like it.
I'll be missing you.
That he did about two PAor Biggie when he died.
I, how does it, how doesit go from the nineties?

(08:37):
I can't sing it right now.
It's like, but it samples the police song.
Anyways, go, go listento it when we're done.
You'll know it.
But P.
Diddy is the new Epstein right now.
It's huge sex trafficking ring.
And the thing is we kind of hit thatepisode first before it hit the news.

(08:57):
And so now we were getting like 30,000 listens a week on this episode.
It was insane.
Whoa.
Because you don't have to know anythingabout the celebrities we covered.
That's the whole point is to go frombeginning to end to introduce this
person and tell you why they were.
Oh my God.
I need your podcast.

(09:17):
I desperately need your podcast.
That was the thing.
The format was just somethingthat really took off.
But anyways of course we talk a lotabout sex and trauma and our opinions
on that, but it's very like factual.
We go through the court case documents.
We do everything.
Awesome.
Oh my God.
I'm, I'm going to check.

(09:37):
I haven't listened to it yet.
So I'm going to check it out after,because I, the, the thing that is the
most kind of obnoxious about havinggrown up the way that I did is that
I'm, I, I feel like I'm constantlyhaving to Google what's going on.
So
For real, I may not know the P.

(09:58):
Diddy song.
Like, you're like, yeah, back in the 90s.
I'm like, in the 90s, I waslistening to Motab and Bach.
Like, almost exclusively.
With a little bit of the Phantomof the Opera, because I was able
to sneak a tape on the compound.
So When I came onto your social mediathe first time was when you Put up the

(10:18):
video where you were looking for musicrecommendations and someone said Nirvana.
And I was like, yes, you should do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I listened to Nirvana for thefirst, that was maybe a year and a
half ago, but I listened to Nirvanaand it smells like teen spirit.
And I was like, Oh myGod, this is amazing.

(10:38):
And then I'm, so I'm doingit on live on Tik TOK, right?
I'm on Tik TOK live.
I'm listening to this stuff.
I'm just loving it.
And I'm like, And I'm like, Oh my God,you guys, I have to go see these people.
Are they still touring?
Are they still in concert?
Can I go see them?
Yes.
Yes.
And then everyone's like in the chat,they're like, should we tell him?
Oh my God.
He doesn't know.
Oh my God.

(10:58):
And so I learned about Kurt Cobain.
As an artist, that heexisted as an artist.
And then one song later Ilearned that he'd killed himself.
And, and I was like, it was,it was a whole rollercoaster.
But I have to say the fact that it liketouched you as like a grown adult who was.

(11:20):
I, I don't know if Nirvana will hit youthe same if you're not like an angry
teenager locked in their room stoned.
Well, the good news is thatI still am an angry teenager.
So I'm still in the angryteenager phase of my life.
Because like, if you don't, ifyou don't experience, like, if
you don't, you, everyone hasto live an entire life, right?
So if you don't have an adolescentphase because you were like working,

(11:43):
you know, In a factory like I was,then you just get to do that in your
thirties, which is what I'm doing now.
So I would say that in some waysI'm like 16, I think I might be 17
now, but, but yeah, at the time Iwas probably like, I was like 14.
I don't think I was stoned.
But I was an angry teenager andit just like, Oh, it was so good.

(12:05):
Well, good.
I'm yeah, I'm probably perpetuallyan angry teenager in some ways.
I, I think kind of moving, maybesegwaying, look at this segway, you guys
segwaying into a apocalypse discussion.
I think that we need some angryteenage energy in in America right now.
Cause we got, we got toburn some stuff down.

(12:26):
So I want to actually begin ourconversation by asking you what kind, and
we can go however deep into this you want.
When you were young and when you were kindof coming of age, What kind of beliefs
did you have around the apocalypse?
Was that something that you talked about?
Was that something that youwere kind of thinking about?
Was that in your awareness?

(12:47):
What was that?
What was that sort of like for you?
Okay.
So, like I said, I was raised bymy grandparents who were pastors.
I later married a pastor.
We talked a lot about that.
But so it's interesting because Iwas the perfect victim for religion.
Okay.
That shit terrified me.
Are you kidding me?
The fear of hell is something that like,I'm still deconstructing and have to tell

(13:11):
myself every day, I'm going to be okay.
I'm sorry, there's lightgoing in my camera, my glass.
I'm just like trying to like,manipulate light here so that
I'm not looking like this.
You look great.
You're fine.
So I had huge fears of itto where I actually kind of
avoided the details of it.

(13:31):
And I kind of grew up in churchesthat were a little bit, like, honey
attracts flies a little better, andso they would avoid harsh topics.
They weren't like, like it was,they were going to go to hell if
you sin, you need to be saved.
But they weren't really talkingabout, you know, revelations a lot.

(13:54):
However, I also grew up in thegeneration of the left behind books.
That traumatized me and I had to read themand every time I would like take a nap
at my house and wake up and my parentswere outside in the yard, I had the full,
like, I still sometimes have this panic.
If I like wake up alone unexpectedlyor something that I was left behind.

(14:15):
Oh, interesting.
I, I read, I read those books too.
Do you want me to maybe, I don't knowif this will help you or not, but
do you want me to maybe offer you alittle code that might help alleviate
some of the fear of being left behind?
Okay, I just want you to imagine aworld in which all of the fundamentalist

(14:36):
Christians have been taken away.
Yeah.
If, if you get left behind, thinkabout how awesome that world will be.
I think the biggest fears forme came from being so young.
Separated from familythat I loved in a huge.
For me with that was my parents weredivorced and that from the time I was

(14:57):
one years old and it's like, well, youmust have one good parent and one bad
parent because they were always rivalryand I was constantly torn between,
well, obviously my mom's the good onebecause she has the victim complex
and my dad isn't saved right now.
So he must be the bad oneand I need to save him.
I have nightmares about theend of the world and like.

(15:19):
Not having enough timeto save, save my dad.
And like, you know.
It was so much pressure andI probably went through that.
Yeah.
I'm like 26 years old.
Wow.
Okay.
So for, for, for the whole kindof formative years of your life
there, there was this reallydeep fear of, of hell number one.

(15:41):
And then also this fear of the endof the world for sort of two reasons.
One, maybe you might not be worthy.
Maybe you might get left behind.
And then number two would be,Even if you are, what about the
people that I love who aren't?
Right, huge big pressure and then alsolike segwaying into a lot of like who I
am and what I do and all of my projectsis that I was sexually abused as a

(16:05):
Child and religion was used against me.
Like, well, God knows thatyou involved yourself that
you didn't say no or whatever.
I Was impure from the time I was fourand I hadn't asked for forgiveness
or and it was still going on Theseare like huge layers to like, you
know My issues with religion and, andhow deeply it affected me my whole

(16:28):
life, and it still definitely does.
And it also, on the flip side,during deconstruction, played
a huge role in my kinks.
And we, we can get into that a littlebit, but I have like a huge Satan kink.
And like, Oh my god, I love this.
I love the idea of, like,fucking Satan and being his,

(16:49):
like, biggest, hottest bitch.
Oh, so hot.
I, I, I'm sorry that happened.
That, that is not, not cooland it, it breaks my heart.
And, it's, cause, thekink thing is funny to me.
Because, I also have, I've also foundthat, My trauma has informed my kinks.

(17:12):
Like I, I, I tell people like,look, tell me what your kink is.
And I'll tell you how you were abused.
And which is pretty common.
And I, and I honestly kind of think thatthat is one of the most beautiful and
amazing things about human sexualitythat we're able to sort of take

(17:35):
these Really traumatic experiences.
And then our sexuality is like,watch me, make this, turn me on.
I think it's the older I get,the more I realize that it's
kind of a coping mechanism.
Healthy or unhealthy, it'shard to define and tell people.

(17:55):
I have, you know, a lot of developingthoughts and ideas, especially I'm doing
an episode soon on trauma and BDSM.
I don't know if mylisteners are interested.
Yeah.
And, you know, my journey through all ofthose things of, you know, Yeah, how we
handle our trauma and kinks and I, I wouldthink that if it's sort of, I don't know

(18:17):
that it's an on or off like a yes or no.
I would think that it's the questionfor me would be the level of
consciousness that you're bringing to it.
So are you aware thatthat is what you're doing?
Are you sort of deliberatelystepping into that space?
and intentionally exploring that, orare you kind of driven to unhealthy

(18:38):
behaviors or unhealthy situations becauseyou're sort of unconsciously acting
out old patterns and old wound pains?
I think the biggest question isactually, is that environment
safe for you to step in?
Not necessarily howyou go into that space.
I think people with trauma Are preyedupon to be brought into that community.
Oh, yeah.

(18:59):
And mm-Hmm.
such an easy target.
And any man that wants to beat theshit outta women has a really great
opportunity to take that fresh 18,19-year-old who wants to explore
their trauma and BD sm and completely.
There's a lot of abuse in that community.
Yeah, no, totally.
That's, that's such a good point.

(19:20):
Yeah, because there's, there is, thereis like, as I've, as I've sort of stepped
into that space and, and really done itwith intention and tried to find safe
communities and safe people to do it with.
I, one of the things thatI've really appreciated about.
Exploring kink and exploring BDSM is the,the opportunity, the opportunities that
it's given me to practice using my voiceto frame my sexual encounters, right?

(19:46):
To actually speak up for what I wantand to advocate for what I want.
And what I've found is that it's hardas a, as someone who suffered with
trauma, it's actually, it's hard.
Pretty difficult for me sometimes tosay the thing that I want or to say the
thing that I don't want or to speak.
And, and yeah, oh man, it's sucha tricky, such a tricky space.

(20:07):
Yeah.
And while there's, you know, experiencedpeople who have gone through therapy and
are in their thirties and the community,a huge part of the community is young
girls from like 18 to 25 who are notthat age mentally or in their trauma.
And are still very much back thereand they will believe anything they
are told, which is a huge thingis, well, if you want to heal your

(20:29):
rape trauma, you should try BDSM.
Why is that the first thingthat we're telling them?
That is not the first place thatyou should go to heal your sexual
trauma and that they are only coolif they're doing these things.
And they are not getting actualreal treatment for their trauma
and they're only using this.
They're just perpetuatingthe same trauma onto them.

(20:51):
Yeah, they're just they'recontinually wounding themselves.
So you heard it here y'allBefore you do anything, you
should definitely go to therapy.
That's step one And you know people talkabout like oh just go to therapy or like
the only two tangible things We tellpeople with sexual trauma is to go to
therapy, which is very vague and To gotry BDSM and there's an actual real thing

(21:16):
that we can offer people that is includedin therapy and that is EMDR therapy.
That is number onerecommended for sexual trauma.
So if you are hearing this, go no further.
Start there.
EDMR.
Yeah.
And that's, that's where I, whenI, when I started therapy, I
started getting into two things.
I, I did I had a therapist and shewould, she did EMDR with me and

(21:38):
she did psychosomatic work wherebasically she would literally just
sit across from me and mirror me.
She would just like mirrorwhat my body was doing.
And at first I thought that was thedumbest shit and I was like, I cannot
believe I am paying you 250 an hourfor you, for you to sit there and move

(22:02):
your body the way that I'm doing it.
And to ask me how my body feels.
I don't know how my body feels.
I don't feel anything in my body.
And then slowly, like it did startup sort of kind of start to unpack.
But it's a whole process.
It's a whole, it's a whole journey.
And yeah, you would, I, oh man, Iwould not tell anyone to jump, to just
jump straight into, Extreme sexualactivities as a way to heal trauma.

(22:25):
Cause you're, Oh my God,that would be so awful.
Well, I was someone that went throughthat was the community that welcomed me.
That was something that I did notwant to be told I was wise enough
or those decisions that communitymade me feel more mature, more cool.
And that this must be the way you know,and I think a lot of girls and people,

(22:47):
but a lot of young girls fall into posttheir front of their parents house.
You're not going to tell me what to do.
And they regain power from that.
I did regain power from that of like, Oh,I'm going to pick who I have sex with.
I'm going to tell them to do thesethings to me instead of it happen.
It's a lot.
There's so many layers.
Again, I'm going to have a newpodcast episode on this pretty soon.

(23:09):
Yeah.
I'm excited.
I'm excited for you to dig more into that.
Cause I think that, I thinkthat you bring a really.
important balance to the conversation,which is kind of like part of, part of
what I want to do in this podcast, right.
Is to have conversations aboutthe way that we used to do things
and the way that we should dothings now that everything broke.
Right.
So the apocalypse to me is like thisbig opportunity of the world broke.

(23:34):
It's in pieces.
Now we get to rebuild it.
And I think that you're kind of, I thinkyou're uniquely positioned because you've
got Because you're a Scorpio, numberone, you're like, look, I like sex, I
like weirdness, like, yeah, let's go.
But then you also have this sort ofwealth of experience of dealing with

(23:54):
your own trauma, dealing with your ownexperience in that community, and then
finding paths that are healthy and safe.
And so you're able to sort of do,it's not like a, oh, it's not like
a Puritan approach, and it's alsonot like a hedonistic approach,
it's sort of an integrated approach.
Well, one interesting thing that Iwas going to bring up a bit ago, we
talked about, you know, COVID 2020,and we were talking about, I actually

(24:18):
deconstructed from my religion.
And Oh really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Tell me about that.
It's that fresh.
Honestly, it's not that greatof a story, but it does remind
me of the day that I got saved
Okay.
It feels just as equallylike mind blowing for me.
Because I, I've been on a journeyof trying to fit religion into my

(24:40):
life, or fit myself into religion,and I've been very open about that
internal conflict my whole life.
I would go to church and be like, thisisn't what works for me, explain it so
that it can make sense to me, so I canbe in this religion full heartedly.
Because I needed it to make sense.
I could not give myself over to God.
I remember the day that I did.

(25:01):
I remember when I thought in my 16year old head that it all clicked.
I was saved.
It was very overwhelming.
It felt like I felt the magic, you know?
Yeah.
And then I remember like, Continuingon the journey of just like, I
know that this isn't right, butno one can answer my questions.
Because when I talk to people there,they've been atheists their whole life.

(25:23):
They never went to church.
They can't answer my hard questions.
And I need someone to meet mewhere I'm at, because part of
deconstructing, depending on howdeep you are, someone's got to meet
you that deep to pull you back out.
Right.
And I remember one of the first peoplethat got ahold of me, they recommended
the Atheist Experience Podcast.
They bring on believers onto the podcastto try to prove evidence for God.

(25:48):
And they have a whole panel ofatheists, some who used to be pastors,
some who've studied all the Bibles.
And they would answer thosequestions and meet those people
where they're at to disprove whatthey, and that helped me a lot.
And then, yeah.
And then someone gave me the book, theGod delusion, which is very popular.
And I'm reading a lotof it's blowing my mind.

(26:10):
And then I remember the one thingthat just undid it all for me.
And it was a line that said,all Christians are one God
away from being atheists.
Oh, so if I apply my logic onwhy these other gods aren't real
to the one that I believe in,that one doesn't hold up either.
And that was finally the thing that broke.

(26:32):
And I remember it, I mean, it stillfeels like I'm a new Christian in the way
that I want to shout from the rooftopsthat you don't have consciousness.
It feels new and amazing to me.
And I'm what, four years into it, right?
And that happened during COVID.
So during COVID, you, you read thatfrom Dawkins and you're like, Oh.

(26:52):
Yeah.
Oh.
I never even finished the book.
That was what I needed.
Wow.
Yeah.
And so my 2020 was a little interesting.
My partner got ran over by a car andbroke like every bone in his body.
He was a, yeah, he was a cyclist.
And so I was hunkereddown taking care of him.
He also has asthma really bad.

(27:14):
We were really trying not to get COVID.
And kind of used it as an excuse tojust stay home in our love bubble.
So we did a lot of that.
And we stay home watching riot porn ofeverything going on with George Floyd.
And we were doing protestsand I moved in with him.
And ever since we've now had a babyand we've done, you know, and I

(27:34):
started my podcast around that time.
And so I've been kind of on the otherside, which I've been waiting for.
I've been waiting for, To be this person.
And I knew it was there.
Like you have to take the journey.
You have to learn the thing.
And so, yeah.
So now I'm on the other side.
I love that description of your, of yourjourney, because I feel like what you

(27:55):
just described, I think is the, causewhen I talk about the apocalypse, I
don't, that doesn't feel hopeless to me.
It doesn't feel it.
I'm not scared.
I'm, I'm actually reallyhopeful because to me, an
apocalypse is like a forest fire.
Or a or like the, like a really hardwinter where, where it's cyclical, right?

(28:18):
Like we've been going in these cycles ashumans and sometimes we go a little bit
too far into something and the world hasto break, the world has to burn, but the
reason that it breaks and burns is so thatwe can rebuild it new and fresh, right?
And.
And I, so I love that that'sessential, like there was this
national apocalypse that's happeningand then you're having this kind

(28:39):
of personal, like faith apocalypse.
And you're also having thislike interpersonal apocalypse
with your, with your partner.
And all of that is sort of like, Imean, I'm sure it was not fun or easy.
I'm sure there were parts ofit that were really scary and
difficult, but it also sort of.
gave you the raw material to remakeyourself into kind of who you always

(29:01):
were, but another level of that.
Yeah, it was also the time whenI went into eating disorder
treatment and cut out my familywho were linked to my sexual abuse.
There's so much in it,like, yes, hard for sure.
There was definitely, I also lostall of my grandparents who raised me
within three months, they all died.

(29:22):
It was my first.
experience with grief and death and itjust happened back to back to back and I
never had someone close to me die otherthan my best friend in elementary school.
So, this was, I mean, just thedeepest heartbreak and I didn't
realize how beautiful death was.
And now I'm in love with death.

(29:43):
Because the loss that you feel in deathis only a reflection of how beautiful
you were loved and how much you had.
And it's just like an opportunityfor every memory that you have with
someone to just be washing over you.
And you know, now I'm, I'm amother and I already was able to
like, continue the cycle and beable to like, let go of the past.

(30:05):
It's about me and my kids now.
And just thinking, Imean, death is amazing.
I love it.
And.
I want to dig into that because I assoon as you said that I laughed and
then I felt bad for laughing becausebut the reason that I laughed is the
thought that popped in my head as soonas you said death is so beautiful.
I was like, you're such a fucking Scorpio.
Well, I didn't know.

(30:26):
I've avoided the topic of death.
Like I would not help myfriends who are grieving.
I was like, I don't knowanything about this.
This feels really icky.
I've got religious things tied up.
I don't know.
And then I experienced it.
And I was like, I want to really diginto that because I, I think that
like, if I, if I sort of peer into thefuture and if I sort of look at the,

(30:51):
cause I don't think we're there yet.
Right.
We're still, I, I think we're stillin the middle of, of all of this
crazy, of all of this craziness.
And I think that, You know,we're already seeing this, right?
Like something like 50, 000people have died in Gaza, right?
Over the last six months.
And that's just a fraction ofwhat's happening everywhere, right?
So, so we are, as a species andas a collective, we have been

(31:16):
dealing with a lot of death.
I don't even think that we've fullyprocessed COVID, the deaths, the
fact that I mean, I don't know, eventhough the numbers, the last time I
looked, it was a million Americans.
And that was like two years ago.
And.
So like so much death, so manypeople have died and, and so many

(31:39):
more people are going to die.
And, and I think that as acollective, we are going to have to
get really good at, we, we have toget better at responding to death.
And so I'm actually, I'm actuallyreally thrilled that you, you
seem to have arrived as like aprophetess of death to help us.
Help us into this next new time.

(31:59):
What, what is it about that?
Like take us on that journey.
Well, it's so interesting becausewhen I was writing notes for
this podcast, I'm going to tellyou right now, I'm doing here.
Okay.
I have a page of notes and like,I hope it kind of makes sense.
And I hope, like, I was hoping that youwould help guide this conversation a bit.
But.
I used to say your age, like, your wisdom,your wise age, really wasn't significant

(32:25):
until you became a parent, right?
Because everything makes sense once youhave a baby, and I, I mean, it's hard
to invalidate people who don't havechildren, but it's fucking true, your
body goes through so much, you have toface so much, it's, It's an opportunity
to be challenged the most in your life.
And so I would kind of gauge people'smaturity based on how long they've been

(32:46):
a parent and what, you know what I mean?
And then I experienced death and birthand death are so similar the way you have
to hold space and the way that you justdon't really know how it's going to go.
And all the thoughts and love thatyou have to face in both situations.
And so now I'm like, okay,well there is, you know.

(33:07):
When you bring life into the world,that's a sign of maturity and wisdom.
Also, when you experience your firstbout of real grief, when you lose
someone, that's a huge loss in yourlife and you have to process that.
And so then it's like, okay, well nowwe're talking about the apocalypse.
You brought me into this apocalypsecrew to engage with sexuality

(33:29):
or you know, these topics, whichsexuality is such a broad, you know,
and I was like, wow, well, birthand death fit perfect into that.
But there's this whole middleground, like, what's between birth
and death, and that's sexuality, ourego, who we are, our life journey.
And so, like, what do I bring into thisapocalypse is, like, really interesting,

(33:50):
because maybe I could deliver yourbaby, or maybe I could, like, join
your polycule, or maybe, you know,like, there's such a wide, a wide span.
But I'll kind of go through a little bitof my list of, you know, My thoughts,
and some of them contradict each othertoo, because, well, what is it, like,
we're kind of post apocalypse rightnow, and it doesn't really look like

(34:12):
the end of the world necessarily,like, You know, I don't feel alone.
There's, there's still electricity.
Like I didn't, it doesn't lookexactly the way I thought.
So I have some This is the mostposh version of the apocalypse
that we could possibly ask for.
We have, we have Netflix,we have electricity.
It's pretty great.
So I was kind of thinking, well, like,what does my role look like right now

(34:35):
in real life post this apocalypse?
And I have a lot to say on that.
And then I thought, if it lookslike the way the Bible says it does.
What's my role there?
And some of it contradicts each other.
So I'm just going to kindof go through some of it.
Cause they're just thoughts to ponder.
We don't, I guess we don't really know.
Right.
We don't, we don't.
And that's, that's part of it, right?
Is that, that the, what the most, themost, I think enduring and true feature

(35:00):
of an apocalypse is the uncertainty.
Right.
We don't know, and we have noway of knowing, and there's
no way that we could predict.
Right, I do, I do have somepredictions though, so we'll,
we'll see what you think.
The biggest one off the top of myhead, I think, is like, the end of
the world, or when we go through thesebig shifts, the biggest thing I think

(35:20):
that we saw tangible, was like, Wewere already on this shift, but it
was sort of an opportunity to go allthe way, which is people becoming poly
or exploring non monogamy and kind ofdeconstructing toxic monogamy and also
sexuality, sort of like you have thiswhole spectrum of genders and spectrum

(35:44):
of sexuality, sexual orientation.
And I'm not here to invalidateanyone's Straightness, but I tend
to devalue people's straightness.
Right, we're all, we'reall a little queer.
Yes, and I don't want, and I don't evenwant to invalidate someone's like, lesbian

(36:05):
or gayness, but I really do think whenwe challenge it, we are all on a spectrum
of like, what we're attracted to, andI think a lot more types of people fall
into those categories, and I think peopleare becoming more neutral in the middle.
poly or non monogamous in some sortof variety, pansexual or bisexual,

(36:28):
and pretty androgynous in themiddle of like gender performance.
Yeah, I mean, I, I, just as an example,for me, right, like, over the last couple
of years I was like, Fuck this shit,I like having long hair, and you know
what I'm gonna do with my long hair?
I don't have them here.
But I have pigtails now.
Like, that's my favorite way, and I'mlike, I like presenting masculine.

(36:51):
I like, I like that energy.
I like being that's I don'tnecessarily want to like be a woman,
but I do like, I do like the, like,I like having my nails painted.
I like having my hair long.
I'm excited to be able to learnto braid my hair and to actually
make my hair really pretty.
So that, that, and it's, so it is, it'smore, and it's, and what it feels like

(37:13):
to me is, That we used to have in theold world, we used to have these very
rigid roles about who you could be andthen how you would perform based on that.
And what it feels like is happening now isthat people are saying, that's bullshit.
That didn't work for me.
That made me, you know,Depressed and angry.

(37:34):
It wasn't an authenticexpression of who I am.
And it's a boring expression, right?
To only have two ways, humansare so, so fucking creative.
We are so creative and so brilliant.
And to only be.
To be put into a box where we canonly be one of two things is absurd.
To be put in a box that we can only beone of 18 things that we have to always

(37:59):
be one thing is absurd because we're justthis constant, like chaotic expression.
And especially during an apocalyptictime when the world is rapidly changing.
I think that, that being, I thinkthat the energy of like pan or queer,
which essentially is just like.
I'm going to do whatever I want isactually incredibly adaptive because it

(38:21):
means that I'm, I'm paying attention.
I'm creative.
I'm engaged in this present moment.
And that is a reallypowerful skill to have.
I would way rather have a polyculesupporting me in the apocalypse of a bunch
of queer pansexuals because I know thatwhatever I need, I'm probably going to be
able to get from them because they havea wide variety of interests and skills.

(38:42):
Well, we have been told that straightnessand monogamy is practical because it
creates life and we can set these rules.
That's very practical.
I think polycules are very practical.
I think you have to remove your emotiona little bit out of it to make it work
and see these people as your team.

(39:03):
And so that's pretty practicaland it challenges more emotions.
But I want to jump back to something thatyou said because I think when it comes
to queerness and and being really in tunewith yourself to know what you want and
then just be that without those boxes.
You said, Oh, I don't think Ireally want to be a woman, but
I want my hair long and such.
And I think what we're doing is removingwhat does that even mean to be a woman?

(39:28):
And something that I'm, I'malso, I'm very femme presenting.
I consider myself cisgender womanand I do things that are more
on the feminine side of things.
But I've always been, I definitely wasthe girl growing up, I was the tomboy,
that label was put on me, that's a superproblematic thing it definitely launched

(39:51):
the not like other girls, complicatedYou know, conundrum, if you will.
And I, I definitely would love foryou to listen to my Barbie episode
on my podcast, because I go verydeep into what that meant for me and
what it meant for me to be a woman.
And it wasn't until the last year orso that I was like, well, I didn't

(40:13):
even know there was a word for this,but agender, I was like, that's me.
I've never cared about what those boxessaid, and I've just done what I've done.
And if it came across.
Femme, if it came across masculine,I have no relationship to it.
And I guess in agender fashion,I don't even really talk about my
agender ness because it's such adisconnect and like, I don't care.

(40:36):
I really don't, I don't care to like havea strong identity in my gender at all.
And that's not to sayother people shouldn't.
I totally honor that.
I love that you're very into yourgender identity and love exploring
those and talking about it.
I just I, for myself, have never caredto have those boxes or try to define
what a woman is or isn't, and that'salways been very freeing for me.

(41:00):
That's where I felt very free.
And I think we're gonna move into alot more of that, like, neutral ground.
Especially this young generation,they have all the words for it,
but soon they won't even haveto use all these words for it.
They're just like, oh, I am who I am,and you don't need to have a word for me.
This is me.
Where I am in life right now, and thisis who I am and so yeah I have a there's

(41:20):
a comedian that I follow and he has agreat joke I can't remember his name, but
he's talking about the difference betweenMillennials and are you a millennial?
Are you Gen Z?
Where did you land?
Okay, hell yeah, so so there's usright and and then there's Gen Z
and he's like look Millennials Andhe's talking about our relationship

(41:42):
to boomers and how millennialswere like, give us gay marriage.
And boomers were like, hellno, no gay marriage for you.
And then Gen Z came along and was like,gender is a myth and nothing matters.
And the boomers were like, okay,we'll give you gay marriage.
Yeah.
And now we're just like, does anyonewant to be married to the state?
Right, who wants to be married tothe Yeah, all we did was make gay

(42:06):
people as slaves to the state as well.
So, whatever.
Yeah, like what are we doing?
Why And I love too this idea of Cause Ithink I think what we're What we're going
back to is a more tribal way of being.
I think we're finding our tribes again.
And polycules feel very tribal to me.
Where it's like, I'm finding my people,there are people that I care about,

(42:30):
there are going to be, you know, sortof mixed and nuanced and varying levels
of sexual relationships within that,but it's going to be done, we're going
to try to do it in a healthy way, we'regoing to try to use communication, we're
going to navigate feelings, but at thecore what we're really doing is we're
creating, I think a lot of, a lot ofpeople in our situation have lost The,

(42:51):
we've lost the support of our familiesbecause of what we've done, right?
Because of the ways that we'vedeconstructed and moved out of
this very rigid, very Puritan,very binary way of thinking.
And now we're sort offinding our tribes again.
And, and then we're, we're, and I thinkthat's really important because as, as,

(43:12):
as the population declines, as, As peoplehave fewer children, as the nuclear
family sort of like implodes, humansneed other humans to take care of them.
We have, we're a tribal community species.
We have to be in relationshipwith other people.
And I think that it's going to become areally important skill to be able to build

(43:34):
those communities of support for yourself.
Well, this brings meto my point too, where.
You know, when I was going intothis, like a contradictory thought
that I had was like, Oh, I thinkabout all these ways that will be
brought closer together, right?
And polycules or, you know, like,like what you were talking about.
But I was thinking about how like theactual definition of an apocalypse

(43:55):
is the end of the world, whatever.
And.
Apocalypse's breed division.
And so, you know, I was thinking aboutlike people's sexuality that might
become more normal, but the more thatsomething becomes normal in that way,
if, if there is a government involved,they may have stronger retaliation,

(44:16):
which we've seen in 2020, like moretrans visibility brought more trans.
Controversy and lots,you know, but I was yeah.
And more, more trans laws, right?
Like right here in Utah, they were like,the world is literally burning down
around us and our Lake is drying up.
And the Utah legislature was like,do you know what the most important

(44:37):
thing for us to do right now?
Legislate where people pee.
So when I Googled apocalypse, becausethat's what I had to do for this podcast.
I was like, okay.
Yes.
And it says that in the Bible, it.
It defines it as the finalbattle between good and evil.
And I was like, well, sexualityalways been the grounds for a battle

(45:01):
between what we define as goodand evil, especially with bodies.
Yeah.
You know, whether it'strans bodies or abortions.
And so I was like, well, Will wehave more peace to do what we want?
Or is the reality like what we sawin COVID, where maybe there's not
going to be access to abortions?
Maybe there's not going to be you know,access to supplies that are needed

(45:25):
for like condoms and things like this?
And if I can tell you anything, andI, I don't care what your opinion
is, I'm just going to say mine.
Do it.
People's relationship to masks andAnd vaccines, whatever, I get it,
but masks and washing their hands andbeing kind about their germs in the

(45:46):
post COVID world is any indication ofhow people treat condoms, STD testing,
and vaccinating themselves for STDs.
I know we're going to have an epidemicof unwanted pregnancies, unwanted STDs.
And I know that first hand because assomeone that engages in non monogamy and

(46:09):
I ask people when the last time they'vebeen tested they fucking don't get tested.
That is real.
So as we Yeah and the Venn diagrambetween people who bitch about
wearing a mask and who bitch aboutwearing a condom is a circle.
It is, absolutely.
And so I think, you know, my,I think about my role in the
apocalypse and sex education.

(46:29):
I think if we lose access toabortion, we're going to start
doing herbal abortions more.
And so trickling down that informationand teaching, you know, other women how
to give themselves an herbal abortionor how to use herbal birth controls.
And then the big thing that we'velost, like as much as I love
birth control, I think it has.

(46:49):
Given us a lot of freedoms in it.
We've lost the art ofknowing about our cycles.
And when I tell people all the time,like you're on birth control 30
days of the month, you can only getpregnant for about 48 hours of that.
So if you know what 48 hours.
You can get pregnant and youactually don't need birth control.

(47:12):
Yeah.
That's kind of beautiful that,that there's, I mean, and again,
huge advocate for birth control.
Everyone should have access.
You should have that choice.
Right.
And I think there is somethingreally beautiful about, cause I think
that what you just described about.
Coming back to your body and being awareof your body, I think that's something
that's happening actually in a lot ofdifferent areas where people are healing

(47:36):
is they're starting to come back tothemselves and to become more sovereign
of like, Oh, I understand how I work andI can navigate myself, I can sort of be.
But not only have we lost the art ofknowing our cycles when we have normal
cycles, we definitely have lost theart of teaching women how to know

(47:57):
their bodies when they're abnormal.
And I'm putting that in quotes.
So everyone's like, Oh,well, I have long cycles.
I have this problem.
I have that problem.
So I can't do natural family planning.
Yes, you can.
There's answers to this.
And so, you know, and I'm not sayingacross the board, I, I'm not, like
I said, I am pro birth control.
I am.
hyper aware of things like PCOS and such.

(48:19):
So, but I'm saying we're moving into aworld where those things aren't available.
So what do we do?
We need to have this informationon, on how to track our cycles.
And even if I'm just putting this outhere to listeners, even if you're on
birth control, if you really do not wanta baby, You better figure out, like,
how to also be tracking your cycle onbirth control because birth control

(48:40):
fails and so you might want to avoidsex or even use condoms while on your
birth control during certain times.
Anyways.
Or, or, gentlemen, there's a very simpleprocedure that you can perform that
alleviates the need for For women inyour life to deal with this problem.

(49:01):
It takes about 15 minutes and allyou need afterward is a little bowl
and a bag of peas for about 48 hours.
Go get yourself snipped.
But we'll, but we'll let itbe available post apocalypse.
So I, I, I'm, I watchedthe dude do it to me.
I'm pretty sure I coulddo it to another guy.
Oh, you'll be the one giving vasectomies.

(49:22):
Got it.
I'll be giving vasectomies for free.
Free vasectomies.
. I just need, I just need a couple Chadsto practice on and so I wanna Go ahead.
No, go ahead.
Go ahead.
I was gonna say, whichmoves me into, you know.
Going back to our roots withbirth, and I'm not here to say
everyone should have a heart.

(49:42):
Okay, I'm also pro hospital, I've doneit in both settings, but if we lose
access to these hospitals We have to havethe skills to deliver babies and know
how to, how to birth our babies withoutfear and without, you know, medical
intervention and how to handle that.
Because a lot of people would feel verylost at the idea of like, Oh my gosh,

(50:02):
I'm going to give birth and there'sno epidurals, there's no hospital.
What do we do?
And sort of accepting theway that nature rolls.
And when you just leave nature alone,first off, 25 percent of pregnancies
will end in miscarriage, just naturally.
That's just the luck of the draw.
And.
10 percent of births would bea needed c section or end in

(50:23):
death for the baby or the mother.
That is just nature, it's like when youthrow seeds out into your garden, they
can all be in the same environment, youcan water them all the same, but not
all of them are going to grow properly.
Some are going to be deformed, someare going to die right off the bat.
And some might need extra help.
Right.
And so when we think about those stats,it's like, well, like you're also
going to have to accept these outcomesand the other side of, of the world.

(50:47):
And as tragic and morbid as that is,I love to save mothers and babies.
There's also something beautifulabout respecting nature in this way.
And that you know, it's, it's.
Natural selection isthere for a reason, right?
Like there's, there's a, and I thinktoo, like kind of coming back to

(51:07):
this, this, this acceptance of death.
Like if you, if we accept deathas a functional part of nature.
That things are supposed to die.
I think that when I look at, especiallywhen I look at like in, in, in my
world, right in the LDS world, inthe Mormon world, the Mormon world
is almost completely dominated byold white dudes in their nineties.

(51:32):
And I look at them and I thinknot like, I hope you die, but I
just look at them and I think die.
Move on.
Like, let, let somethingnew come up, right?
There's just, and I think there's so muchold and frail and brittle in our world.
And, and we're, cause we're so afraid.
We think of death as such a badthing because I'm so important.

(51:56):
This, this vessel, I,me, I'm so important.
I can never die.
And a world in which nothing ever died.
Well, and I think just knowingyour place as you age, right?
So part of the cycle of lifeis that you go back to being a
baby and you have to go there.
And we have this idea that theolder you get, the wiser you are.

(52:16):
And you're at a hockey.
We must respecting our elders hasturned into letting them run our
country, letting them continue todrive, even though they run over people.
And that's not what it is.
You have to accept that you'vegone back to into a place where
people have to take care of you.
We have to accept as youngpeople that it's a rite of

(52:37):
passage to take care of our old.
Not respect them, but wipe their ass.
That is something you cannot avoid.
You cannot just send your family tofucking facilities where they're abused.
The reality is, is that just like it'sa rite of passage to have your own child
or to live in your own childhood, it isa rite of passage to take care of your
parents and your grandparents or whoever.

(52:57):
You have to I challenge everybody to takecare of somebody in the end of their life.
It is, care is needed, and you learnso much, and it humbles you as a
person, and they deserve that care.
And so it's like, well, maybe Bidenand Trump right now, who I believe both

(53:19):
are in adult diapers from everythingI can see, should be going home and
sitting with their grandkids, andtheir big outing of the day is to
get their mail and water their roses.
And like, that is beautiful.
Enjoy that phase of your life.
You do not have to be the mostpowerful man in the country.
Yeah, I think about that sometimeswhen I see Biden and I see him just

(53:41):
like, just struggling to walk ina straight line to, to his podium.
I do think that there's something kind of.
I don't know, mythically or sort ofarchetypally fitting about America
that the two people that we have topick from are, are both like really

(54:02):
old, crazy men in different ways.
Right.
It's two versions of, of, andI think that sort of speaks
to the ancientness of America.
Like the, how, that, that this, thatthis experiment, this country, the
way that we're currently configuredhas sort of come to the end of its
life and it's time for it to die.
That the fact that, because we have somany brilliant, so many brilliant people

(54:24):
live on Turtle Island and the fact thatour two choices are Biden and Trump.
Who, when he's asked to describe America,is like, it can be described in one word.
Ha ba Right?
There's that, which is my favorite thingthat a president Have you seen that?
No, but you really sound likeyou're speaking in tongues,

(54:45):
and I really love that.
Oh my god, he, he's asked, he'slike, American is a country that
can be described in one word.
Ha ba ba da da da.
And that is That is so goodbecause it's exactly true.
That is exactly how to describe America.

(55:07):
And so we've got that.
And then we've got, you know, Trumpraging about like, they're trying to throw
me in jail and the immigrant, like theclassic, like old man, get off my lawn.
Like, what are these young people doing?
And.
And I think, I love what you said tooabout how, cause I, I feel anger towards
Trump and I feel maybe some compassiontowards Biden, but I like what you said

(55:30):
about how these are, these are old menwho should be surrounded by family, very
gently and lovingly being cared for.
Listening to their stories, right?
There, there's a way that wecould be approaching them.
And instead we're pitting themin this contest that is divided.

(55:51):
That's just designed to divideAmerica in a really ugly way.
Yeah.
And I'm, and you're right.
I think we have done that to them.
I think we especially put Biden in aposition to be our hero out of Trump.
Right.
And he feels like he can do this.
And I really think he wantsto be home watching TV.
Oh my God.
He wants to just be watching goldengirls, like, or I don't know what

(56:13):
he wants, but yeah, he just wantsto be like surrounded by his family.
Ah, poor guy.
Okay.
I have a whole, I have a wholenother, I'm going to take us
on another journey real quick.
Okay.
Let's go.
Okay.
So the other thoughts that I had aboutsex and the apocalypse is that, you
know, we were talking about how peoplewill come together, but also there

(56:34):
might be a lot of isolation, especiallylike we saw in COVID, six feet apart.
And what did we see happen?
A huge increase in sex work,and especially online sex work.
People were lonely, peoplehad to be alone, and there's a
lot of controversy over that.
And I kind of wonder if some of our,you know, restrictions on sex work

(56:55):
will either go away, but sex work hasexisted since the beginning of time.
And, you know, women wereburned at the stake for it.
Will that happen all over again?
Yeah, not only has sex work existedsince the beginning of time, but in
some cultures, this came up in myconversation last, my last episode, I

(57:16):
had on yeah, Molly, Molly, the stripper.
I, I just, I just hosted her grandopening for her cabaret last night.
She's.
Awesome.
Like she's such a cool human.
And, but, but what it reminded, like thatconversation, then that like, not only
has sex work existed since the dawn oftime in some cultures, it was not a, it

(57:38):
was not seen as bad in some cultures.
It was honored, right?
In some cultures it was that you wouldgo to the temple and find a, and it
was a, it was an, it was a sacred act.
And so I would like togo back to that, please.
I, well, this goes into likemy, Contradictory thoughts
that may or may not happen.

(57:58):
That's hard to predict it's like, willpeople be more picky about the sex they
have, or will there be more desperation?
Will people be more picky aboutthe partners that they have?
Because they may be you really want tobe picky about who you bring into your,
and if, think about the people who hadCOVID relationships and they're just
immediately bunkered down, they had tobe, they should have been a little bit

(58:21):
more picky about who they were going tobe indefinitely Stuck in a house with.
Yeah.
And I think that's a lesson that we'velearned that maybe loneliness was
better than being stuck with someone.
Right.
And then I also think about howvulnerable we could be being
trapped in these situations.
Domestic violence was on the rise.

(58:41):
Will we become sex slaves all over again?
Will relationships become moretransactional in that way?
And because as a woman, I'm weaker,will this put me right back into
the days of like sex slavery?
Yeah, and those are,that's legitimate, right?
When I, when I hear like the red pillcommunity or like the, like there's,
there's a whole, there's a whole communityof humans who, who want that to happen.

(59:06):
And they're all, they're all men.
Exactly.
Yeah.
They get raptured immediately.
The incels, I mean, look.
Incel.
They, they don't, they're celibate anyway.
God's an in.
Take them, take 'em.
Jesus.
Jesus is an incel and I don't, that meansthat he wants to bring all the other,
not, I think, I think Jesus iseither an incel or he's super kinky.

(59:32):
'cause he did take on thepunishment of all of us.
He was like, give me allof the punishment, daddy.
I think, okay, even on this sideof my deconstruction, I still
wanna believe that like Jesus.
Oh, totally.
Yeah.
I want to believe that he like loves shit.
Oh.

(59:53):
Oh.
Are you there?
We were shut down when wewere talking about God.
He just like struck lightning down.
I can hear you.
Yep.
You sound great.
Loved the horrors.
And I really want to believe thathe had all the human experiences.
Like he loved Mary Magdalene.
He's like, no.
He had kids.
I'm like, I don't know.
I feel like, I feel like the.
Yeah, I feel like to take onall the punishment of humans,

(01:00:16):
that you would at least have toexperience the human experience.
Yeah, you'd have to knowwhy it was worth it.
I, I think that
Jesus, I, one of my favoritesongs is about Jesus is
called The, The Rebel Jesus.
And I, I think that Jesus,and I also love this.
I can't remember who she, Oh, thelady who wrote Existential Kink.

(01:00:37):
Have you ever read Existential Kink?
Oh, it's fascinating.
But the lady who wrote that, shecalls Jesus a queer witch, the queer
witch Jesus, and I'm like, hellyeah, that's, that vibes with me.
Yeah.
And so I was like, why can't I do that?
I mean, look, that's what everyone does.

(01:00:57):
That's why we have white Jesus in America.
I would join that.
Okay.
So we were Jesus.
Where, where were we?
We were, where were we going?
We were talking about Jesus.
You were making a point.
You were, you were on, youwere taking us to a new place.
My breastfeeding mothers more becausewe'll keep everyone and we'll be
using our smell to hear everything.

(01:01:17):
That's my last, that's my last.
Yeah.
Yes, I will.
I will eat breast milk,breast milk cheese.
I have, I have one final thoughtbefore we maybe wrap up and it's,
it's sort of going back to this.
I really love your point about,in fact, I kind of want to use it.
I'm probably going to use it in comedy,but I like this idea that the people

(01:01:39):
who are Not wearing masks are alsothe people who aren't wearing condoms.
And, and I think that if I were to sortof tease under what's underneath that, it
reminds me of one of the, one of the 10principles of Burning Man, which I have
to talk about Burning Man on every episodebecause that's my favorite thing ever.

(01:02:00):
Right.
I've never, I haven't actually goneto Burning Man if I don't bring it
up every chance that I possibly can.
But one of the, one of the valuesis radical self reliance, right?
This idea that As an individual,it's my responsibility to take
care of me and to be reliant onmyself for the things that I need.

(01:02:20):
And sort of an extension of that cultureat Burning Man is this idea of M.
O.
O.
P.
M.
O.
O.
P.
is, have you ever heard of M.
O.
O.
P.?
Oh.
I know a little bit about group, group, M.
O.
O.
P.
is cooler.
M.
O.
O.
P.
is an acronym and it standsfor Matter Out of Place.
So matter out of place is, is, ispart of the, there's, there's a

(01:02:43):
one value, which is leave no trace.
And the idea is with leave notraces, you should not be able
to tell that you were there.
And so moop is something,moop is like garbage, right?
So like a card you know,I have this sticker, this
sticker has this backing on it.
So if I just peel this stickeroff and I, and this backing
falls on the ground, that's moop.
And I like to think of moop.

(01:03:04):
Not just in terms of the, not just interms of like the, the physical, like
garbage that I'm leaving around, but theactual, like germs are my moop, right?
And STD is my moop.
If I have an infection, that's my moop.
And it's actually myresponsibility to handle that.
And so when, when the mask thing washappening and everyone was freaking

(01:03:27):
out, to me, it was really easy.
Because, and, and everyone was like,they're changing the requirements.
Sometimes it's met, sometimesit's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just like, look, y'all, it isnot that hard to take responsibility for
the germs that you might be putting out,especially during a global pandemic.

(01:03:47):
And so, go ahead.
This amazing place where like,HIV is no longer a life sentence.
And chlamydia is just an antibioticand you're done and you never
have to think about it again.
As we lose supplies and resources,we have to start seeing these
diseases as more serious.
And that's exactly whathappened with COVID.
It's like, okay, COVID mightjust be a cough for some.

(01:04:08):
Okay.
But when we start losing coughmedicine and then we start filling
our hospitals and we can't treat otherpeople and it becomes like a domino
effect of, of chaos, we're going tobe right back into an HIV epidemic.
We're going to be right backinto like the bubonic plague.
Of STDs and they becomethings that kill us again.

(01:04:30):
Yeah.
And it, to me, it's such a simplesolution because everyone was
like, you can't tell me what to do.
You can't tell me to wear.
And it seems like that's a similarenergy to like masks versus condoms.
Like you can't tell me to wear a mask.
You can't tell me to wear a condom.
And I think that view is fundamentallyfucked because the, the appropriate view,
I think to be a socially responsible humanis it is socially irresponsible of me.

(01:04:56):
To knowingly spread germs and disease.
To other humans.
What an, what a dick move.
Why would I do that when something assimple as, especially like, I think
about this during like just the regularflu season, like let's remove COVID.
The regular flu kills a bunch of people.
And during COVID, when everyone waswearing masks, the flu plummeted.

(01:05:19):
And that got, I was like, we should bedoing, like, if I'm, so now, even though
you in Utah masks were never really thatmuch of a thing, but even now today,
and I'm vaccinated, I've got everything.
If I'm not feeling well, I'll puta mask on because I don't want to
intentionally spread something.
Why would I ruin someone's day bygoing out in public and coughing

(01:05:43):
all over them when a simple, like,piece of fabric is going to help
keep everyone around me safe?
And it's the same thing with sexualhealth, just a little bit of prevention,
just a little bit of intentionalcare, testing, wearing condoms, and
you save all of your partners, anyonethat you might have contact with,
a lot of hurt and a lot of damage.

(01:06:07):
So we had these things createdto be able to do them safely,
safe sex, safe world, right?
And people just absolutely respected it.
And it's like, well, So in anapocalypse, do we teach abstinence
or do we teach safer sex?
And what if we lose access to condoms?
What if we lose access to STD treatment?

(01:06:28):
What, like, how do wecontinue having safe sex?
So these conversations are going tocome up because people are not going
to stop having sex in an apocalypse.
We saw that.
We had a 2020 COVID baby boom.
Thanks.
Yeah, they'll have alot of time to do that.
If there's one thing we canguarantee that people will do

(01:06:50):
during an apocalypse, it's fuck.
Oh my God.
I love this.
So we're coming
to the end.
First off, I just want to say, Amber, ohmy God, thank you so much for coming on.
I loved this conversation.
This was, this was exactly What I, I, Ididn't, I don't think I knew exactly that
we were going to get into all of the areasthat we got to, but I feel like this was

(01:07:12):
exactly what I wanted to pull out of you.
So thanks for, for coming on tothe podcast and letting me like,
yeah, I think so too.
I think it was great tokind of kick people off.
So, there are two things I,that I want to do to wrap us up.
So number one is I've introduceda new segment on the podcast.
Which is called Ask a Seer Stone.

(01:07:32):
So, as the true prophet, ask a seer stone.
Ask a seer stone.
So, are you familiar withseer stones in Mormonism?
I'm sure you've seen them.
Jessup?
He's a Jessup, right?
Oh, Moroni?
Is that Moroni?
But I still, like, I don't get it.
I didn't grow up with a seer stone.

(01:07:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got like a punk rock polygamist.
So,
so, Joseph Smith, when he startedMormonism, Joseph Smith was steeped
into like this magical worldview,this like a cult practice in
the, just like he was a witch.
He was a straight up him and hisfamily were straight up, which

(01:08:13):
is living in rural New York.
And before he started a religion, he,they had what was called a peep stone
and peep stones were pretty common.
And basically what you would do isyou would You'd put them in a hat
and you'd look at them and theywould help you find lost things.
So what Joseph Smith, what,yeah, like a magic ball.
Exactly, exactly that.
And what Joseph Smith would do is hewould hire himself out to rich people

(01:08:39):
who wanted to go dig for buried treasure.
And then he would just like use thatto help them, like tell them where
to dig and stuff, and then that'show he translated the book of Mormon.
So he's claimed he foundthis book of Mormon.
He found these gold plates.
And then he would just put therock in his hat, look into the hat.
And then the words of the Book of Mormonwould appear on the rock and that's

(01:08:59):
how he, and then he would dictate them.
That's where the Book of Mormon came from.
And a lot of his early revelationswere received through a seer stone.
So he would get revelation, peoplewould ask him questions and he
would look at the hat and thenhe would divine the will of God.
And Oh, a hundred percent.
Yeah.
In fact, in fact, there's a whole,there's a whole line of thought that

(01:09:21):
That, that is they're doing scholarlyresearch that is making, basically
building evidence for a case that JosephSmith probably used psychedelics in, in
a lot of, and a lot of them did, right?
A lot of early cultleaders use psychedelics.
Oh my God.
A hundred percent.
Yeah.
Like I, this is true.
When I, I Joseph Smith had, thereare stories in early Mormon history

(01:09:47):
of Joseph Smith and other peoplelike casting demons out of people.
And before I'd done psychedelics,I was like, that's some bullshit.
And then I did psychedelics and I waslike, I could cast a demon out of someone.
A hundred percent I could.
Yeah, a hundred percent.
Yeah.

(01:10:07):
So, so I think there's, there'sa lot of that now Joseph Smith
kind of went off the rails.
He was, was not good becausefundamentally he didn't realize that
it's all a joke and it's all made up.
And to me, this is a little bit ofa joke, but it's also kind of fun.
So I have a seer stone here for you.
This is it.
I like, I like this one.
I like this one because it's sort oflike kind of that agender idea, right?

(01:10:29):
There's sort of like masculine feminine.
It's kind of like a mix.
We don't know exactly what it is.
And if you would like to play thegame, you don't have to play this
game, but if you'd like to play thegame, you can ask God a question.
And I will look at this seer stone and Iwill channel the answer to your question.
It can be about whatever you want.

(01:10:49):
Yeah, you might play God better.
Gosh.
Probably because you haven't had me.
Yeah.
What do I want to ask God?
What do I want to ask God Benjamin?
So interesting.
Well, okay, so we weretalking about death.
And I I got very much into magicafter my grandparents died because

(01:11:10):
I was looking for anything thatwould connect me with them still.
So I was asking the cards.
I was asking the cardsall kinds of things.
Tarot, you know.
And after my Okay, soI had two experiences.
I had talked to a psychic who gaveme a message from one of my grandmas.
Yeah.
And it was mind blowing.
I'm like, okay.

(01:11:31):
The other one, who was very intopsychics and said that she would like,
haunt me after her death and tell meeverything, she has stayed closed.
And the tarot cards, we have a longline of mother daughter wounds.
And so, my mom doesn't talk to hermom, I don't talk to my mom, and that
goes, you know, back and back and back.

(01:11:52):
And every time I pull cards frommy grandma, I get the Justice card.
Which is some sort of injustice,some sort of missing answer for
who's right, is what I think it is.
But maybe it's like, It's somethingI'm missing, and I just, I can't
figure out what my grandma is tryingto tell me from the other side in
regards to these mother daughter rooms.

(01:12:14):
So, I would ask God, what thefuck I'm supposed to do with that?
How am I supposed to feel about this?
What is the answer?
What is my grandmother telling me?
So, channel your psychic ness and tell me
what I'm supposed to do.
Okay.
So the question is what the fuck isAmber's grandma trying to tell her

(01:12:34):
about the mother daughter wound thathas been in this family for generations?
So, I just have to, I justhave to consult it real quick.
Give me just a second.
Okay.
So verily, verily thus saith the Lord.
unto my servant, Amber,

(01:12:55):
I'm sorry that the, that the woundwent so far and that you're the first
person in your line to begin to heal it.
And I have to tell you that it willnot be fully healed in your life.

(01:13:17):
This is going to take anumber of generations to fully
integrate and to fully heal.
And the place that youwant to look isn't back.
So you need to spend less time tryingto get an answer from a grandmother.
It's very interesting that, and youneed to spend more time living that

(01:13:38):
answer that you want into your future.
Always spoiler.
And when I was pregnant with my last,I consulted a psychic and they said,
if you have a girl, you're meant toheal the wound that you're capable,
you know, healing it through you.
If you have another boy, karma basicallycut it off and said, we're done

(01:14:01):
letting the women in your line try.
And you're going to start over and we willsever the mother daughter relationship.
And so it's starting new with me.
So it won't, it won't trickle throughdown through me because I had three.
So that's a very interesting answer.
I, I, I think it aligns.

(01:14:24):
I do have a question for you.
You have boys.
Okay.
I have had a podcast episode brewingthat I need to bring someone on.
And Rad, I love this heavily religious.
background.
And so I want you to come back on the podand do this one crazy episode with me.

(01:14:47):
I, I'll tell you just a littlebit about what happened.
I, I, I'm a hell yes.
Crazy religious.
You had me at crazy religious.
That happened in her familythat has hit national news.
Her dad was like a runaway.
for he had like 12 child victims and heran away and she's on her TikTok talking

(01:15:08):
all about her family and religion and soI thought she was coming on to talk about
how religion has kept this quiet in herfamily and she ended up hanging up on me
like 15 minutes into the conversation.
Yeah, and so what I want isto oh, I remember you talking.
I remember seeing someof your posts about this.
Yeah What I think is going on in theirsituation because of how I see that

(01:15:33):
happening all the time So I would liketo bring you on and just talk about
religions influence on rape culture Ithink yeah, I think that you're someone
that can Can engage on that with me.
Yes.
I, I would love to have that conversationbecause number one, huge rape culture

(01:15:56):
in religion and, and number two,one of the, one of the, one of the
things that I sort of experiencedon my journey as, as a man, right.
As a man in religion is, and thendeconstructing is realizing how hard
religion tried to turn me into a rapist.
Right into, into someone whodisregarded and was unaware.

(01:16:20):
Like I, and I'm so grateful.
Number one, that it didn't, thatI was able to, to exit before
something like that happened.
And I'm also so.
Painfully aware and so angry for allof the little boys who would never do
that, who would never, there's no partof them that would naturally do that, but

(01:16:44):
they are being groomed and programmed tobecome those kinds of people that makes
me angry for every little boy in everyreligion who's being groomed that way.
So I would love to have that conversation.
When she had Jesus, so she wasn't.
She wasn't a mother.
She was a raped child and shewas like, well, that's not true.

(01:17:06):
And then I hear her Google and like, Ohshit, this is now undoing every single
belief I've ever had about anythingbecause across the board, it's not
a different time, a 12 year old is a12 year old and some versions of the
Bible or some versions of sermons saythat she was impregnated before her

(01:17:28):
first cycle or on her first cycle.
So she was a 12 year old and no12 year old should ever have to go
through birth in that basically theentire story of Jesus is a covered up.
Right?
Yeah.
By Joseph.
Yeah.
It's Joseph 40.
Was he 50?
Was he 90?
I don't, differentversions of things, but.

(01:17:49):
A god, a god rape.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, and not only that, right?
Like, whether or not, however oldshe was, she had no choice, right?
It wasn't like, like, that's
the fundamental thing is that, that Ithink the, the issue, what happens in
rape culture is, Is that we view womenas vessels and as lacking autonomy.

(01:18:15):
They are vessels for themale sexual experience.
And that's exactly what happens to Mary.
All of this had to happen for salvation.
And she had to lose herson when he's only 30.
Like her entire story is so devastating.
I've loved every part oflearning about Mary in this way.
I, I, you know, I reada lot of pieces of it.

(01:18:37):
And now the world has justcontinued on to celebrate her
rape as like the birth of Messiah.
Like how, like, can you imagineyour childhood rape being
turned into like a holiday?
I just think about the heavinessof that and how that triggers every
part of how we See these situations.

(01:18:58):
How Well, that's so wild.
Being raped.
Yeah.
That sounds bad.
No, it, it turns men intorapists because who knows?
You might rape her and give herthe son who saves the world.
Yeah, right.
The idea that you're supposed to takeyour trauma and Right, you might birth
you might rape the messiah into existence.
Ugh.

(01:19:19):
Like the OG person whowas told that was Mary.
Yeah.
Ooh, I love that.
That's such a, that's such a, that'ssuch a cool twist to the story.
And yeah, I'm down.
Let's, let's set it up.
Coming up soon, the rape ofMary and how it fucked with
the whole culture in the West.

(01:19:43):
Let's do it.
Okay, last thing for you then iswhere, where can people find you?
If they want to learn, if theywant to get more into your world.
My podcast here and myother, everything's canceled.
Can be found on Spotify,anywhere where you can podcast.
And I'm a little bit of a blogger,so I should be easy to find.

(01:20:07):
And I usually answer messages.
Definitely prioritize messages withpeople looking for resources on trauma
or information about sexual topics AndI'm working on a book and so I'm excited
to yeah I've been talking to a coupleeditors and self published authors who

(01:20:27):
are helping me on that journey and they'refriendly Yeah, and so I'm like, you know
my platform on my other podcast has justblown the fuck up now and I always said
I would build a platform before I wrotethe book to put it out there and I will
be writing a book on how 90s contributedto me being raped in my own home.

(01:20:48):
So, yeah, that's, that's the goal.
I've been weighing is this going to betwo different books like a memoir and
then Oh my god, that sounds fascinating.
And I've been encouraged to combinethe genres and write them as one.
So, I Yeah, I might be seekingsome of your input on it.

(01:21:09):
I'm a little Totally.
Oh my God, that's goingto be so brilliant.
Oh my God, I would love, I wouldlove to be involved and, and, and
helpful in that creative process.
Like if you need beta readersor, or however that sounds.
Cause that, the premise ofthat sounds so fascinating.
And I love telling people what I think.

(01:21:29):
So yeah.
I'm not spiritual.
I like to do them verypractical and logical.
Find me because that'swhat I have fun doing.
Making money.
Ooh, I
love that.
Okay, awesome.
Well, Amber, thank you somuch for coming on again.
Everybody.
If you are local, if you're in SaltLake, come see me next weekend,
May 3rd and 4th at wise guys.

(01:21:50):
And Amber love you.
Thank you so much.
You're great.
I'm, I'm excited to come onand, and chat more on, on your
podcast and everybody out there.
I do.
Yeah.
I'm, I'm, I'm working on that.
So I'm, I'm slowly like buildingthe infrastructure that I need in
order to get out there and do that.
Cause yeah, I want to get outthere and do a show and hang out.
So, okay, that's it y'all.

(01:22:11):
Thanks everybody.
Stay safe keep vibing andwe'll talk to you next week.