March 28, 2025 • 29 mins
In this empowering episode, Gia welcomes Victoria Barendsen, a registered psychologist specializing in childhood trauma and sexual abuse prevention. With a wealth of expertise and a personal mission to educate families on body safety, Victoria shares her journey to launching the Safe Kids Project.
Join us as we delve into the critical importance of teaching children about their bodies, consent, and boundaries in a way that is natural and age-appropriate. Victoria discusses the uncomfortable yet necessary conversations parents must have, the alarming trends surrounding childhood sexual abuse, and practical strategies for empowering children to recognize and communicate about their bodies.
This episode is a must-listen for parents, caregivers, and anyone passionate about creating a safer environment for children. Discover how to integrate body safety practices into everyday life, break generational cycles of silence, and foster open communication with your children.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
you're a corporate powerhouse or an entrepreneur, this show is
designed for you. Your Future Starts Now is more than
(00:20):
just a podcast. It's a movement, a movement towards rewriting
the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you're exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now. I'm
your host, Gia Lacqua. I want to thank you for joining us. Today, I
(00:42):
am so excited to introduce you to Victoria Barendsen.
Victoria is a registered psychologist working in the field of childhood
trauma, specializing in sexual abuse. With a master's
degree in educational psychology and extensive professional development, research,
and years of therapeutic practice, she brings a wealth
of expertise to this space. When she and her husband welcomed
(01:05):
her daughter three years ago, she integrated her knowledge into parenting.
and learned and implemented body safety practices in
their daily lives. Since then, she's made it her mission to share
this life-changing information with others. She
navigates body safety education, both professionally and
personally, living this journey alongside her children and husband,
(01:27):
as well as her students. Victoria, welcome to
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here today and sharing some
This is going to be a really important conversation. And I
think as you could probably already tell, but I'll state the obvious before we
jump in, I do want to just note for our listeners that today's conversation
(01:48):
does touch upon some sensitive topics, including, you
know, in the work that Victoria does, sexual abuse and childhood trauma. So
Victoria, your work in childhood trauma and sexual abuse
prevention is so important. I would
love to understand and tell our listeners what led you
(02:08):
Yeah, great question. So when I graduated as
a psychologist, I spent some time working in the education field.
And although I loved it, I felt it was quite restricted. And
I got given this opportunity to work for a non-government organization
here in New Zealand, which focuses on preventing
sexual abuse, as well as supporting young people that have
(02:32):
either been sexually abused or have engaged in harmful sexual
behavior towards another child. Although this felt
like a big step for me in my career, I felt really
drawn to this space and I felt very privileged and
I still do feel very privileged and grateful to work in this
area. I know it's not for everybody, but
(02:53):
to hold space and guide and support people through
this part of their life, whether it be that they've been harmed
or they've harmed somebody else, yeah, it's a real privilege
and honor for me in my profession. And I had worked
in this organization for some time and my husband said, how about you
go out on your own and try in private practice? And I was quite,
(03:14):
I don't know, apprehensive about this at the time, but I
took the leap and I've just never looked back. I
have two young children of my own now, a three-year-old and an
18-month-old. And so working in private practice
has just been such a incredible way
for me to have that work-life balance where at the moment I
work one day a week in the office with clients and then I'm at home with my
(03:37):
children the rest of the week. So it's been a really lovely balance
for me. And then in the last year I have launched
another side of my business, which is called the Safe Kids Project. And
this is where I have shifted my work completely into a
preventative space. And this came about when
I was pregnant with my daughter. I had one session with
(04:00):
a young person I'd worked with for a long time and he himself
had experienced sexual abuse, but then he went on to harm his
siblings as well. And I'd worked with him for a long time and I
felt really comfortable and there was nothing sort of out
of the ordinary of the work that I typically do. But one
day he shared to me, some that
(04:20):
he'd met somebody online through social media and his intentions with
her. And my stomach just completely flipped
and I just had this like full body wave of
panic really. And I thought, what's going on? Like I'm normally okay
with this. And then I realized I'm pregnant with
my first child. And I thought this could be her. This
(04:42):
could be somebody I love. And I thought I can't keep
working in this way, like being this ambulance at the bottom of the
cliff. I need to shift. I need to
make sure she is safe when she is born and my son as well.
I need to ensure that they have
all the knowledge they can to keep themselves safe and respect the
(05:03):
body of other people. So then it went on my mission, I
guess, in maternity leave for both my daughter and then my
son as well, focusing on prevention and and
sharing all that knowledge with my husband when we had our first child. And
he was like, wow, this is super interesting. And we started implementing
it. And then when my son was born 18 months ago, I
(05:24):
decided that this information felt wrong to be keeping to
myself and that this is something that really needs to be shared because my
mission in life is if one child is protected from
That is incredibly, incredibly powerful and beautiful.
And I love how you followed that pull, that calling
(05:44):
that you had, that instinct, that intuition, because I feel like so
many of us have that feeling that comes up, but we either tell
ourselves to ignore it, right?
Or we talk ourselves out of it, or we just sort of keep pushing through. So
the fact that you were able to pivot and really focus on what
is that and what does that mean for me is, is really incredible. And
(06:06):
I also think, you know, there's not enough people, as
I mentioned before we started recording, that are in this space and doing this
work. So really appreciate the work that you're doing, the education information
that you are putting into the world. So tell us
a little bit, well, I also want to acknowledge one other thing that you
said before we get into it, that motherhood instinct, right?
(06:28):
That comes up and how a lot of the women I talked to on the
show, a lot of our listeners, how
motherhood changes us, right? Even from that moment we become,
we know we're pregnant, how that just changes us instinctually. So
Yeah, I totally agree. And I think, um, I
mean, I've been a psychologist for eight years now. And of that, three of
(06:51):
those years, I have been a mother. And the
whole practice, how I show up for my clients. And because
I primarily work with children, I'm working in a
systems level. So I'm working with parents and schools and other agencies
as well. And so it's been such an eye opener
to now have my own children and then how that shows up
(07:14):
in a therapeutic space. And yeah, it's literally
changed my practice completely and how I work and
where my focus and attention is. And I'm so grateful for
motherhood for doing that for me and many other things that motherhood has
brought to my life. It has really, I
guess, highlighted what is important and it's working in that. that
(07:39):
Absolutely. So the work that you do, just so we can
sort of baseline for everybody what we're talking about, the
work that you do, you primarily focus on body safety practices
So body safety is the idea that a child knows
that their body belongs to them and that they can make
(08:00):
choices for their body all the time. And it also means
that they respect and understand that somebody else's body is theirs. And
so body safety practices and what I mainly teach through the
Safe Kids project and my online platform is that we
don't have to have these difficult, scary talks about
body and sex and grooming. My true belief
(08:22):
is that we need to teach our children about their
body and about body safety, just like we teach them to cross
the road or to brush their teeth. This is a normal
part of their development. And I think if
we can start to move away from this idea of If
I talk to my child about their body, I'm going to create fear. It's
not like that. When we talk about their body in a way that's open
(08:46):
and honest, we actually create confident children and empower children
who know that they get to make choices for what feels right
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Now, I know there's probably a
couple of obstacles and hurdles that you have with families
that you might work with or families who might be interested, but, you know,
(09:06):
not quite sure how to implement. So, you know, one of the things that came up
for me is, especially since a lot of the work that I
do, we talk about breaking cycles, healing
childhood trauma, we talk about, you know, looking
at the things that we want to repeat in our,
you know, as parents, with our kids, and then
(09:27):
the things we want to change. And so for
many of us, and whether it's because of
cultural norms, or other reasons,
people feel uncomfortable, people, you know, deem it inappropriate. Some
parents shy away from these conversations, right,
(09:48):
about sexuality and body safety.
So what do you say to those people who have a hard time
Yeah, my thoughts on that is
it's uncomfortable having the conversation, but it's more uncomfortable if
you don't. Because the results of that
(10:09):
and what I see in my private practice is significantly worse
than sitting in the discomfort of having a conversation that you don't want to
have. And I totally understand
this. I understand the discomfort or the awkwardness that
comes with it, because for most of
us as parents now, we were never given those conversations growing
(10:31):
up. You might have had the sex talk when you were like 16, but
you weren't given this everyday language that
actually your body's yours and you get to make choices about it. And
so I think, well, I want to acknowledge the discomfort because I
understand it. Although I've researched this, I've
worked in this field, there's some days where I'm like, Oh, I've
(10:52):
got to do this for my child. And that might be, um, One
of the big rules we have in our house is that our children get to choose how
they greet other people. It is their body. They do not have to hug
or kiss or high five anybody that they
don't want to. And so there are times when people have come to
our house and said, oh, give me a hug. And I just have to stop in
(11:12):
that moment and say, hey, my daughter is choosing
how she greets people. It's really important she listens to her body. And
so there's times when that feels really uncomfortable for me with certain
people, but those are values that are really important to
us. And so, so we follow through with them. And
in terms of the discomfort, I really encourage parents I work with
(11:34):
to take some time and just reflect on that. Like, why is
there discomfort sitting there for you? What is it from your
childhood or what were you missing in your childhood? What
are your fears? What have all of the sort of, I guess the
things that are holding you back from these really important conversations. I
think if you can take time to reflect on that, it's
(11:56):
Yeah. So two really important points there. One, just going backwards, I
think getting curious with those feelings of discomfort and
understanding, you know, what's coming up for you and dealing with that maybe first.
And then the other thing you said is really important, which is the communication around
the family values and around the boundaries that
you're setting. And that can be really hard, especially with
(12:19):
close family members who don't get
Definitely. So I always encourage conversations with
family members sort of away from the children. Sometimes it
just happens as it happens, you know, they walk in the door, they're ready for a hug and a kiss. But
in our family, everybody is very aware of what our boundaries
(12:40):
and rules are with our children. And that's happened quite
naturally over time. But also we are really
firm in our beliefs about our children's body. And so
it's I guess people know that when they come
and spend time with our children, these are the rules they have. But
I think when you're explaining it to somebody and you don't feel comfortable, number
(13:03):
one is just say, this is how we do it in our
house. And then provide some context or provide some
understanding, this is why we're doing it. So my daughter's getting
to choose how she hugs you right now. So that's been really clear as to what you're
doing. Number two, you would say, we're doing this because
we would like to teach you to listen to her body and what feels right.
(13:23):
And then you can do number three, which is just opening up. Do you
have any questions? Like, is there anything that I can explain that more on?
So that it's not shutting them down or
anything like that. And you can take an opportunity to say, our child's not
being rude or we're not dismissing your needs, but actually
(13:44):
Yeah, I think the why, you know, I think it's hard to communicate the boundary,
but the why, as you said, is very impactful because it stops
the person from questioning, is this about me? What
did I do? Right. You sort of shut that down and
make it very clear as to your intent, which I think is really important,
too. I love that. So another thing that
(14:06):
I could see a lot of parents say or think is,
you know, this will never happen to my child. Right. Like
we're very cautious about who they go with and where they are.
And, you know, these are things we read about in the news, kind
of, you know, extenuating circumstances. What would you say to those parents?
I don't know about the statistics where you are, but I
(14:28):
will share those here in New Zealand. So it is one in
three females and one in six males will experience
some form of sexual abuse before adulthood. So although it
may not be your child, it will be somebody you love. And
I think we can be really
careful and really safe, but the other statistic here in New
(14:49):
Zealand is that the abuse will happen by
somebody you know. So it's 90% chance that
it is somebody known to the victim. So when we send our
children to playdates, to school camps,
out on sports trips, we believe they are safe, but
there is not always a guarantee that they are
(15:10):
safe because unfortunately it is people known to the
children that is causing the harm. So I think if
we have that belief that it won't happen to us, we miss
this opportunity to educate our children. And burying
our heads in the sand and really hoping, because every parent hopes that
this never happens to their child. Hoping it won't happen is not going to
stop it happening. Educating your child about their body, how
(15:34):
to stand up for their body, how to recognise when something doesn't feel
right. Trusted adults that they can talk to. That will stop it.
Those statistics are very alarming and very eye-opening. I
have to say, you know, and we think we're doing everything we
can do, but sometimes we're missing the most obvious things that
are right in front of us and the communication and the conversations and
(15:57):
awareness. So, you know, I guess one
question I have is, you know, we entrust, especially in today's age,
when you have either, you single parent
household or two working parents. We
entrust a number of people to care for our children. And, you
know, a lot of times we don't have a choice, right? That's just
(16:19):
the way the way our world is right now in our lives are. And so,
you know, whether it's teachers, sitters, extended
family, family, friends, like you said, playdates, sleepovers,
what can we do to ensure their safety when we're
Yeah, this is a really great question. So one of my firm beliefs is
(16:42):
we can't decide the journey our child goes on in life. We can't decide who
they meet and who comes into their life because we cannot control other
people, right? So there is this chance that our children will
meet people that could harm them. But what we
can do is we can empower them the best possible. And
what I mean by this is that they have knowledge, they have
(17:02):
understanding of their body in order to be able to speak out
say if something doesn't feel right. And they
have the tools that would hopefully reduce the chance of
this happening. And an example of this is that the
research shows that children that know the anatomically correct names
for their body parts, so vulva, penis, they are
(17:25):
less likely to be targeted in grooming. And if they
are harmed, they are more likely to be believed. So there's these
small little things that we can start to be doing and weaving into
our everyday parenting that actually research shows reduces
the chance of our child being harmed. So the first part to
your question is making sure that our children are educated and
(17:45):
empowered about their body. And the second part is wherever my
children go, which they are still young, so it's often with me,
but my daughter does go to kindergarten. I ensure that the
adults in her life are aware of what we're teaching at
home. And the reason for this is if they know what I am teaching at
home, then they are more likely to hopefully
(18:06):
continue those types of boundaries and conversations. But
if there was anything that or anybody that was unsafe,
they would be really aware that I'm on top of this. And
my daughter is also aware of what's sort of happening here. Not
that my daughter is, I'm just, she's three. She doesn't understand or know
anything about sexual abuse, but she does know her body is her body. So
(18:28):
it might be before a play date, you ask the parents, hey, what
are your rules on children's play? Are they allowed to play in their room?
Do they need to have the door open or is the
door shut? What is your child's device like? Are
the children allowed on devices? Is this in a public space or in
their room? What are your supervision rules? Who's coming
(18:50):
into your house at this time? Are you having visitors? Are your older children having
friends over? So you can start these questions and I know it can
feel really uncomfortable and maybe quite unnatural, but
you might just start the conversation by saying, Hey, I'm really working
on my daughter or my son feeling safe at the moment. I've got a few questions.
Do you mind answering? And as a parent as well, listen
(19:11):
to your gut. Like if something doesn't feel right, ask a few more
questions. Really trust there is that part of
us as parents where we know something doesn't feel right and
don't be afraid Just say no to your child if something
Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. And making
other people aware of those values and boundaries. So
(19:35):
that's helpful. And then when you, I know you talk about having age appropriate conversations
with your children. So maybe you could talk to us a
little bit about what that looks like, what it sounds like, and how do we empower
them to set those boundaries and recognize unsafe
Yeah, perfect. So, one of, what we've talked about before,
the greeting is like a number one thing. Number two is I always let
(19:57):
my daughter choose what she wears, and it is outrageous. Like, I'm talking
clogs, tutu, gumboots, crown, like,
and we're all out. I'm thinking, whoa, hon, that's great. But
I let my child choose what they wear because, again, she's tuning
in and she's listening to her body. And it's not my space to
be telling her. And it could be the middle of winter and she's wearing cloth and
(20:20):
a tutu. And we also really believe in natural consequences in
our household. So she figures out that she's cold on her own. That's a
journey that she needs to learn, obviously, safely. But
we use anatomically correct labels in our home. So my
daughter does not know any nicknames for her body. that,
(20:40):
like I said before, is so that she can be really clear on
what's happening and what her body is. And personally, I
believe that if we use nicknames for our body, we don't call our
elbow something different. We call it an elbow. We call our knee a
knee. So if we don't call our vulva a vulva, what message
does that send to our daughter or child? Does it say, oh, that's
shameful, that we don't talk about that part of our body? We
(21:05):
normalize bodies as much as we possibly can in our house. We
also have a big rule around secrets and surprises. We have
no secrets in our house. We have surprises, which are
fun and enjoyable and something that we do often. But
our daughter knows the difference between the two. The secret is something that people never
find out and the surprise is something that people can find
(21:26):
out. And the main reason for this is the grooming process. There's
a few steps in the grooming process where the person will
try to gain trust with your child. And
one of those things is asking them to keep information from
trusted adults. And so we go as far as not
even little secrets like, oh, don't tell
(21:47):
daddy I got you this ice cream, because then we are saying to her,
it's okay to keep little secrets, but she's three. She doesn't understand
or can't differentiate between a good secret and a bad secret. So we
have a very blanket, no secret rule in our house. Yeah,
and we keep it very natural and normal. So I wouldn't sit her
down and say, oh, darling, we don't keep secrets. An example is
(22:10):
we bought her brother a birthday present and she said, oh, we're going to keep it a secret.
I said, no, darling, it's a surprise. And we weaved that and then had that conversation. Or
she'll hop out of the shower and I'll say to her, hey, darling, can
I dry your vulva or would you like to dry your vulva? So it's not
these awkward, uncomfortable things. She doesn't
know any better, which is amazing. And I'm so proud and I'm so grateful. that
(22:32):
she just knows it's her body and people should ask before they
Incredible. I love that. So, you know, as a mother of two
girls, I'm, I'm getting anxious about to even ask you
this question, but let's talk about, cause it is important, the digital space.
And we grew up in a world where, you know, we didn't have the iPads
and the phones and you know, the apps and all the things
(23:01):
I'm curious as to what you're seeing, how that sort of
changes the landscape and what additional things we need
Yeah, I believe a
significant amount of the sexual harm
and sexual abuse that I am seeing is because of the internet. Fortunately,
I think the statistics in New Zealand, I can't remember the exact number, but
(23:24):
by the time children reach 12, a significant amount
of our population would have access to pornography and seen
that online. So yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on
device use and screen time. I would recommend to
have devices with very strong parental
control over them, parental access so that they can see
(23:45):
what is also happening behind the scenes. as well
as all of your blocking sites and
safety sites and things like that to ensure that children aren't
being given pop-ups and things. Because a lot of the time it's
not even that they're searching for something. Unfortunately, it's actually
popping up in situations
(24:07):
where they're not looking for it. So I think making sure
parents are supervising and looking at that. I also recommend
using devices in spaces where parents are. So
that might be the lounge room or in the dining room, but
I would definitely have a no-device-in-bedroom rule just to eliminate
anything like that. Also, when your child is getting to
(24:29):
an age where they are sort of using the device on their own, they may also be
at an age-appropriate age to have a conversation with them and say,
Hey darling, like if you ever see anything on your computer or
your iPad or your phone that makes you uncomfortable, you can
talk to me about it. And that's, you know, I believe body safety starts
at like very young, two, three, so that they know
(24:50):
from that early age, no matter what comes up, mum or dad or my primary caregiver
is there to talk to about these things. So making it
very open that if they do see something
that makes them feel uncomfortable, they tell you. If
children do come across anything online, it can be quite
traumatizing for them and their brain. They don't understand what was happening.
(25:12):
So having that open space is really important. And
then I think being really mindful of who your
children can meet online as well through
social media, things like Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok,
but also in the games that they play that have
live chat rooms. I've seen a lot of terrible
(25:34):
things happen in those spaces. So I really recommend
that if your child is on social media, I guess, following
the social media guidelines around age restrictions and things like that, but
having it monitored by parents. And if they are
playing games, making sure there's no access to the chat room
Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. I mean, these are the and
(25:57):
this is a new sort of evolving landscape for us, too. So I think it
to your point, just being on top of it, setting those boundaries,
having those conversations, it's inevitable, I think, to your point, whether it's
they stumble upon it on their own, you know, accidentally, or
more often, what I hear is, you know, they're seeing it or hearing it
from friends. who have accessed it, right? And so
(26:18):
it is sort of inevitable at some point, but creating that,
like you said, that safe space where they can come and have those conversations, I
Yeah. And as I say to that, you know, children will learn about their
bodies and about sex from either their parents, which is what I
encourage, pornography or their peers. And
so we have the choice of how do we actually want to shape that?
(26:39):
How do we want that to look? Because I
know from what I see in my work, we definitely don't want
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Such incredible information, Victoria. Thank you. Wealth of
information. Tell us if there is one
message that you could leave our listeners with, every parent who's
(26:59):
It would be just to start. Start with really small
steps that start teaching your child that their body belongs
to them and teach your child to respect the body of another person. The
younger, the better, but Yeah, if you have older
Yeah. I couldn't agree with them more. And
(27:22):
where can our listeners learn more about you and the work that you do? And
Yeah, perfect. I have a website, www.thesafekidsproject.com.
You can sign up to my waitlist there where I run a program for
parents educating them all about this. I also have an
Instagram, which my handle is at the safe kids project.
(27:46):
And yeah, on there you'll find I have two free resources, which
I think are really great ways to start the conversation with children. I have some
free body affirmation cards that you can print out and read
with your children. And it talks about their body being theirs. And I also have
some book recommendations in there for parents if they find it a little bit
tricky to start the conversation. Reading a book can be such a
(28:11):
As a children's author, I love that concept of
building it into the reading library. But
just also want to just appreciate not only the work that you do, but the
way you approach it in terms of the integration, which
I think is a different approach for a lot of people, right? As opposed to, hey, we're
going to sit down now and have a conversation about sexuality and your body,
(28:32):
right? it's more integrated, just like they're learning everything
else. And so just want to thank you for the work that
you're doing. Thank you for being here for sharing your, your
insights and expertise. Of course, you can visit my website at gialacqua.com and
reach out on Instagram at gialacqua. Don't forget to subscribe, rate
and leave a review. This is Gia signing off with gratitude for your time
(28:53):
and energy. Our mic drops but the movement continues. Until next time, your
next chapter is waiting. Take care. That concludes another empowering episode
of Your Future Starts Now. Before we wrap up, I wanna thank this
incredible community of high-achieving women. Your energy, resilience,
and commitment to growth are the driving force behind what we do.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate it, leave a review, and don't forget
(29:15):
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(29:35):
GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
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(00:20):
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the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you're exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now. I'm
your host, Gia Lacqua. I want to thank you for joining us. Today, I
(00:42):
am so excited to introduce you to Victoria Barendsen.
Victoria is a registered psychologist working in the field of childhood
trauma, specializing in sexual abuse. With a master's
degree in educational psychology and extensive professional development, research,
and years of therapeutic practice, she brings a wealth
of expertise to this space. When she and her husband welcomed
(01:05):
her daughter three years ago, she integrated her knowledge into parenting.
and learned and implemented body safety practices in
their daily lives. Since then, she's made it her mission to share
this life-changing information with others. She
navigates body safety education, both professionally and
personally, living this journey alongside her children and husband,
(01:27):
as well as her students. Victoria, welcome to
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here today and sharing some
This is going to be a really important conversation. And I
think as you could probably already tell, but I'll state the obvious before we
jump in, I do want to just note for our listeners that today's conversation
(01:48):
does touch upon some sensitive topics, including, you
know, in the work that Victoria does, sexual abuse and childhood trauma. So
Victoria, your work in childhood trauma and sexual abuse
prevention is so important. I would
love to understand and tell our listeners what led you
(02:08):
Yeah, great question. So when I graduated as
a psychologist, I spent some time working in the education field.
And although I loved it, I felt it was quite restricted. And
I got given this opportunity to work for a non-government organization
here in New Zealand, which focuses on preventing
sexual abuse, as well as supporting young people that have
(02:32):
either been sexually abused or have engaged in harmful sexual
behavior towards another child. Although this felt
like a big step for me in my career, I felt really
drawn to this space and I felt very privileged and
I still do feel very privileged and grateful to work in this
area. I know it's not for everybody, but
(02:53):
to hold space and guide and support people through
this part of their life, whether it be that they've been harmed
or they've harmed somebody else, yeah, it's a real privilege
and honor for me in my profession. And I had worked
in this organization for some time and my husband said, how about you
go out on your own and try in private practice? And I was quite,
(03:14):
I don't know, apprehensive about this at the time, but I
took the leap and I've just never looked back. I
have two young children of my own now, a three-year-old and an
18-month-old. And so working in private practice
has just been such a incredible way
for me to have that work-life balance where at the moment I
work one day a week in the office with clients and then I'm at home with my
(03:37):
children the rest of the week. So it's been a really lovely balance
for me. And then in the last year I have launched
another side of my business, which is called the Safe Kids Project. And
this is where I have shifted my work completely into a
preventative space. And this came about when
I was pregnant with my daughter. I had one session with
(04:00):
a young person I'd worked with for a long time and he himself
had experienced sexual abuse, but then he went on to harm his
siblings as well. And I'd worked with him for a long time and I
felt really comfortable and there was nothing sort of out
of the ordinary of the work that I typically do. But one
day he shared to me, some that
(04:20):
he'd met somebody online through social media and his intentions with
her. And my stomach just completely flipped
and I just had this like full body wave of
panic really. And I thought, what's going on? Like I'm normally okay
with this. And then I realized I'm pregnant with
my first child. And I thought this could be her. This
(04:42):
could be somebody I love. And I thought I can't keep
working in this way, like being this ambulance at the bottom of the
cliff. I need to shift. I need to
make sure she is safe when she is born and my son as well.
I need to ensure that they have
all the knowledge they can to keep themselves safe and respect the
(05:03):
body of other people. So then it went on my mission, I
guess, in maternity leave for both my daughter and then my
son as well, focusing on prevention and and
sharing all that knowledge with my husband when we had our first child. And
he was like, wow, this is super interesting. And we started implementing
it. And then when my son was born 18 months ago, I
(05:24):
decided that this information felt wrong to be keeping to
myself and that this is something that really needs to be shared because my
mission in life is if one child is protected from
That is incredibly, incredibly powerful and beautiful.
And I love how you followed that pull, that calling
(05:44):
that you had, that instinct, that intuition, because I feel like so
many of us have that feeling that comes up, but we either tell
ourselves to ignore it, right?
Or we talk ourselves out of it, or we just sort of keep pushing through. So
the fact that you were able to pivot and really focus on what
is that and what does that mean for me is, is really incredible. And
(06:06):
I also think, you know, there's not enough people, as
I mentioned before we started recording, that are in this space and doing this
work. So really appreciate the work that you're doing, the education information
that you are putting into the world. So tell us
a little bit, well, I also want to acknowledge one other thing that you
said before we get into it, that motherhood instinct, right?
(06:28):
That comes up and how a lot of the women I talked to on the
show, a lot of our listeners, how
motherhood changes us, right? Even from that moment we become,
we know we're pregnant, how that just changes us instinctually. So
Yeah, I totally agree. And I think, um, I
mean, I've been a psychologist for eight years now. And of that, three of
(06:51):
those years, I have been a mother. And the
whole practice, how I show up for my clients. And because
I primarily work with children, I'm working in a
systems level. So I'm working with parents and schools and other agencies
as well. And so it's been such an eye opener
to now have my own children and then how that shows up
(07:14):
in a therapeutic space. And yeah, it's literally
changed my practice completely and how I work and
where my focus and attention is. And I'm so grateful for
motherhood for doing that for me and many other things that motherhood has
brought to my life. It has really, I
guess, highlighted what is important and it's working in that. that
(07:39):
Absolutely. So the work that you do, just so we can
sort of baseline for everybody what we're talking about, the
work that you do, you primarily focus on body safety practices
So body safety is the idea that a child knows
that their body belongs to them and that they can make
(08:00):
choices for their body all the time. And it also means
that they respect and understand that somebody else's body is theirs. And
so body safety practices and what I mainly teach through the
Safe Kids project and my online platform is that we
don't have to have these difficult, scary talks about
body and sex and grooming. My true belief
(08:22):
is that we need to teach our children about their
body and about body safety, just like we teach them to cross
the road or to brush their teeth. This is a normal
part of their development. And I think if
we can start to move away from this idea of If
I talk to my child about their body, I'm going to create fear. It's
not like that. When we talk about their body in a way that's open
(08:46):
and honest, we actually create confident children and empower children
who know that they get to make choices for what feels right
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Now, I know there's probably a
couple of obstacles and hurdles that you have with families
that you might work with or families who might be interested, but, you know,
(09:06):
not quite sure how to implement. So, you know, one of the things that came up
for me is, especially since a lot of the work that I
do, we talk about breaking cycles, healing
childhood trauma, we talk about, you know, looking
at the things that we want to repeat in our,
you know, as parents, with our kids, and then
(09:27):
the things we want to change. And so for
many of us, and whether it's because of
cultural norms, or other reasons,
people feel uncomfortable, people, you know, deem it inappropriate. Some
parents shy away from these conversations, right,
(09:48):
about sexuality and body safety.
So what do you say to those people who have a hard time
Yeah, my thoughts on that is
it's uncomfortable having the conversation, but it's more uncomfortable if
you don't. Because the results of that
(10:09):
and what I see in my private practice is significantly worse
than sitting in the discomfort of having a conversation that you don't want to
have. And I totally understand
this. I understand the discomfort or the awkwardness that
comes with it, because for most of
us as parents now, we were never given those conversations growing
(10:31):
up. You might have had the sex talk when you were like 16, but
you weren't given this everyday language that
actually your body's yours and you get to make choices about it. And
so I think, well, I want to acknowledge the discomfort because I
understand it. Although I've researched this, I've
worked in this field, there's some days where I'm like, Oh, I've
(10:52):
got to do this for my child. And that might be, um, One
of the big rules we have in our house is that our children get to choose how
they greet other people. It is their body. They do not have to hug
or kiss or high five anybody that they
don't want to. And so there are times when people have come to
our house and said, oh, give me a hug. And I just have to stop in
(11:12):
that moment and say, hey, my daughter is choosing
how she greets people. It's really important she listens to her body. And
so there's times when that feels really uncomfortable for me with certain
people, but those are values that are really important to
us. And so, so we follow through with them. And
in terms of the discomfort, I really encourage parents I work with
(11:34):
to take some time and just reflect on that. Like, why is
there discomfort sitting there for you? What is it from your
childhood or what were you missing in your childhood? What
are your fears? What have all of the sort of, I guess the
things that are holding you back from these really important conversations. I
think if you can take time to reflect on that, it's
(11:56):
Yeah. So two really important points there. One, just going backwards, I
think getting curious with those feelings of discomfort and
understanding, you know, what's coming up for you and dealing with that maybe first.
And then the other thing you said is really important, which is the communication around
the family values and around the boundaries that
you're setting. And that can be really hard, especially with
(12:19):
close family members who don't get
Definitely. So I always encourage conversations with
family members sort of away from the children. Sometimes it
just happens as it happens, you know, they walk in the door, they're ready for a hug and a kiss. But
in our family, everybody is very aware of what our boundaries
(12:40):
and rules are with our children. And that's happened quite
naturally over time. But also we are really
firm in our beliefs about our children's body. And so
it's I guess people know that when they come
and spend time with our children, these are the rules they have. But
I think when you're explaining it to somebody and you don't feel comfortable, number
(13:03):
one is just say, this is how we do it in our
house. And then provide some context or provide some
understanding, this is why we're doing it. So my daughter's getting
to choose how she hugs you right now. So that's been really clear as to what you're
doing. Number two, you would say, we're doing this because
we would like to teach you to listen to her body and what feels right.
(13:23):
And then you can do number three, which is just opening up. Do you
have any questions? Like, is there anything that I can explain that more on?
So that it's not shutting them down or
anything like that. And you can take an opportunity to say, our child's not
being rude or we're not dismissing your needs, but actually
(13:44):
Yeah, I think the why, you know, I think it's hard to communicate the boundary,
but the why, as you said, is very impactful because it stops
the person from questioning, is this about me? What
did I do? Right. You sort of shut that down and
make it very clear as to your intent, which I think is really important,
too. I love that. So another thing that
(14:06):
I could see a lot of parents say or think is,
you know, this will never happen to my child. Right. Like
we're very cautious about who they go with and where they are.
And, you know, these are things we read about in the news, kind
of, you know, extenuating circumstances. What would you say to those parents?
I don't know about the statistics where you are, but I
(14:28):
will share those here in New Zealand. So it is one in
three females and one in six males will experience
some form of sexual abuse before adulthood. So although it
may not be your child, it will be somebody you love. And
I think we can be really
careful and really safe, but the other statistic here in New
(14:49):
Zealand is that the abuse will happen by
somebody you know. So it's 90% chance that
it is somebody known to the victim. So when we send our
children to playdates, to school camps,
out on sports trips, we believe they are safe, but
there is not always a guarantee that they are
(15:10):
safe because unfortunately it is people known to the
children that is causing the harm. So I think if
we have that belief that it won't happen to us, we miss
this opportunity to educate our children. And burying
our heads in the sand and really hoping, because every parent hopes that
this never happens to their child. Hoping it won't happen is not going to
stop it happening. Educating your child about their body, how
(15:34):
to stand up for their body, how to recognise when something doesn't feel
right. Trusted adults that they can talk to. That will stop it.
Those statistics are very alarming and very eye-opening. I
have to say, you know, and we think we're doing everything we
can do, but sometimes we're missing the most obvious things that
are right in front of us and the communication and the conversations and
(15:57):
awareness. So, you know, I guess one
question I have is, you know, we entrust, especially in today's age,
when you have either, you single parent
household or two working parents. We
entrust a number of people to care for our children. And, you
know, a lot of times we don't have a choice, right? That's just
(16:19):
the way the way our world is right now in our lives are. And so,
you know, whether it's teachers, sitters, extended
family, family, friends, like you said, playdates, sleepovers,
what can we do to ensure their safety when we're
Yeah, this is a really great question. So one of my firm beliefs is
(16:42):
we can't decide the journey our child goes on in life. We can't decide who
they meet and who comes into their life because we cannot control other
people, right? So there is this chance that our children will
meet people that could harm them. But what we
can do is we can empower them the best possible. And
what I mean by this is that they have knowledge, they have
(17:02):
understanding of their body in order to be able to speak out
say if something doesn't feel right. And they
have the tools that would hopefully reduce the chance of
this happening. And an example of this is that the
research shows that children that know the anatomically correct names
for their body parts, so vulva, penis, they are
(17:25):
less likely to be targeted in grooming. And if they
are harmed, they are more likely to be believed. So there's these
small little things that we can start to be doing and weaving into
our everyday parenting that actually research shows reduces
the chance of our child being harmed. So the first part to
your question is making sure that our children are educated and
(17:45):
empowered about their body. And the second part is wherever my
children go, which they are still young, so it's often with me,
but my daughter does go to kindergarten. I ensure that the
adults in her life are aware of what we're teaching at
home. And the reason for this is if they know what I am teaching at
home, then they are more likely to hopefully
(18:06):
continue those types of boundaries and conversations. But
if there was anything that or anybody that was unsafe,
they would be really aware that I'm on top of this. And
my daughter is also aware of what's sort of happening here. Not
that my daughter is, I'm just, she's three. She doesn't understand or know
anything about sexual abuse, but she does know her body is her body. So
(18:28):
it might be before a play date, you ask the parents, hey, what
are your rules on children's play? Are they allowed to play in their room?
Do they need to have the door open or is the
door shut? What is your child's device like? Are
the children allowed on devices? Is this in a public space or in
their room? What are your supervision rules? Who's coming
(18:50):
into your house at this time? Are you having visitors? Are your older children having
friends over? So you can start these questions and I know it can
feel really uncomfortable and maybe quite unnatural, but
you might just start the conversation by saying, Hey, I'm really working
on my daughter or my son feeling safe at the moment. I've got a few questions.
Do you mind answering? And as a parent as well, listen
(19:11):
to your gut. Like if something doesn't feel right, ask a few more
questions. Really trust there is that part of
us as parents where we know something doesn't feel right and
don't be afraid Just say no to your child if something
Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. And making
other people aware of those values and boundaries. So
(19:35):
that's helpful. And then when you, I know you talk about having age appropriate conversations
with your children. So maybe you could talk to us a
little bit about what that looks like, what it sounds like, and how do we empower
them to set those boundaries and recognize unsafe
Yeah, perfect. So, one of, what we've talked about before,
the greeting is like a number one thing. Number two is I always let
(19:57):
my daughter choose what she wears, and it is outrageous. Like, I'm talking
clogs, tutu, gumboots, crown, like,
and we're all out. I'm thinking, whoa, hon, that's great. But
I let my child choose what they wear because, again, she's tuning
in and she's listening to her body. And it's not my space to
be telling her. And it could be the middle of winter and she's wearing cloth and
(20:20):
a tutu. And we also really believe in natural consequences in
our household. So she figures out that she's cold on her own. That's a
journey that she needs to learn, obviously, safely. But
we use anatomically correct labels in our home. So my
daughter does not know any nicknames for her body. that,
(20:40):
like I said before, is so that she can be really clear on
what's happening and what her body is. And personally, I
believe that if we use nicknames for our body, we don't call our
elbow something different. We call it an elbow. We call our knee a
knee. So if we don't call our vulva a vulva, what message
does that send to our daughter or child? Does it say, oh, that's
shameful, that we don't talk about that part of our body? We
(21:05):
normalize bodies as much as we possibly can in our house. We
also have a big rule around secrets and surprises. We have
no secrets in our house. We have surprises, which are
fun and enjoyable and something that we do often. But
our daughter knows the difference between the two. The secret is something that people never
find out and the surprise is something that people can find
(21:26):
out. And the main reason for this is the grooming process. There's
a few steps in the grooming process where the person will
try to gain trust with your child. And
one of those things is asking them to keep information from
trusted adults. And so we go as far as not
even little secrets like, oh, don't tell
(21:47):
daddy I got you this ice cream, because then we are saying to her,
it's okay to keep little secrets, but she's three. She doesn't understand
or can't differentiate between a good secret and a bad secret. So we
have a very blanket, no secret rule in our house. Yeah,
and we keep it very natural and normal. So I wouldn't sit her
down and say, oh, darling, we don't keep secrets. An example is
(22:10):
we bought her brother a birthday present and she said, oh, we're going to keep it a secret.
I said, no, darling, it's a surprise. And we weaved that and then had that conversation. Or
she'll hop out of the shower and I'll say to her, hey, darling, can
I dry your vulva or would you like to dry your vulva? So it's not
these awkward, uncomfortable things. She doesn't
know any better, which is amazing. And I'm so proud and I'm so grateful. that
(22:32):
she just knows it's her body and people should ask before they
Incredible. I love that. So, you know, as a mother of two
girls, I'm, I'm getting anxious about to even ask you
this question, but let's talk about, cause it is important, the digital space.
And we grew up in a world where, you know, we didn't have the iPads
and the phones and you know, the apps and all the things
(23:01):
I'm curious as to what you're seeing, how that sort of
changes the landscape and what additional things we need
Yeah, I believe a
significant amount of the sexual harm
and sexual abuse that I am seeing is because of the internet. Fortunately,
I think the statistics in New Zealand, I can't remember the exact number, but
(23:24):
by the time children reach 12, a significant amount
of our population would have access to pornography and seen
that online. So yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on
device use and screen time. I would recommend to
have devices with very strong parental
control over them, parental access so that they can see
(23:45):
what is also happening behind the scenes. as well
as all of your blocking sites and
safety sites and things like that to ensure that children aren't
being given pop-ups and things. Because a lot of the time it's
not even that they're searching for something. Unfortunately, it's actually
popping up in situations
(24:07):
where they're not looking for it. So I think making sure
parents are supervising and looking at that. I also recommend
using devices in spaces where parents are. So
that might be the lounge room or in the dining room, but
I would definitely have a no-device-in-bedroom rule just to eliminate
anything like that. Also, when your child is getting to
(24:29):
an age where they are sort of using the device on their own, they may also be
at an age-appropriate age to have a conversation with them and say,
Hey darling, like if you ever see anything on your computer or
your iPad or your phone that makes you uncomfortable, you can
talk to me about it. And that's, you know, I believe body safety starts
at like very young, two, three, so that they know
(24:50):
from that early age, no matter what comes up, mum or dad or my primary caregiver
is there to talk to about these things. So making it
very open that if they do see something
that makes them feel uncomfortable, they tell you. If
children do come across anything online, it can be quite
traumatizing for them and their brain. They don't understand what was happening.
(25:12):
So having that open space is really important. And
then I think being really mindful of who your
children can meet online as well through
social media, things like Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok,
but also in the games that they play that have
live chat rooms. I've seen a lot of terrible
(25:34):
things happen in those spaces. So I really recommend
that if your child is on social media, I guess, following
the social media guidelines around age restrictions and things like that, but
having it monitored by parents. And if they are
playing games, making sure there's no access to the chat room
Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. I mean, these are the and
(25:57):
this is a new sort of evolving landscape for us, too. So I think it
to your point, just being on top of it, setting those boundaries,
having those conversations, it's inevitable, I think, to your point, whether it's
they stumble upon it on their own, you know, accidentally, or
more often, what I hear is, you know, they're seeing it or hearing it
from friends. who have accessed it, right? And so
(26:18):
it is sort of inevitable at some point, but creating that,
like you said, that safe space where they can come and have those conversations, I
Yeah. And as I say to that, you know, children will learn about their
bodies and about sex from either their parents, which is what I
encourage, pornography or their peers. And
so we have the choice of how do we actually want to shape that?
(26:39):
How do we want that to look? Because I
know from what I see in my work, we definitely don't want
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Such incredible information, Victoria. Thank you. Wealth of
information. Tell us if there is one
message that you could leave our listeners with, every parent who's
(26:59):
It would be just to start. Start with really small
steps that start teaching your child that their body belongs
to them and teach your child to respect the body of another person. The
younger, the better, but Yeah, if you have older
Yeah. I couldn't agree with them more. And
(27:22):
where can our listeners learn more about you and the work that you do? And
Yeah, perfect. I have a website, www.thesafekidsproject.com.
You can sign up to my waitlist there where I run a program for
parents educating them all about this. I also have an
Instagram, which my handle is at the safe kids project.
(27:46):
And yeah, on there you'll find I have two free resources, which
I think are really great ways to start the conversation with children. I have some
free body affirmation cards that you can print out and read
with your children. And it talks about their body being theirs. And I also have
some book recommendations in there for parents if they find it a little bit
tricky to start the conversation. Reading a book can be such a
(28:11):
As a children's author, I love that concept of
building it into the reading library. But
just also want to just appreciate not only the work that you do, but the
way you approach it in terms of the integration, which
I think is a different approach for a lot of people, right? As opposed to, hey, we're
going to sit down now and have a conversation about sexuality and your body,
(28:32):
right? it's more integrated, just like they're learning everything
else. And so just want to thank you for the work that
you're doing. Thank you for being here for sharing your, your
insights and expertise. Of course, you can visit my website at gialacqua.com and
reach out on Instagram at gialacqua. Don't forget to subscribe, rate
and leave a review. This is Gia signing off with gratitude for your time
(28:53):
and energy. Our mic drops but the movement continues. Until next time, your
next chapter is waiting. Take care. That concludes another empowering episode
of Your Future Starts Now. Before we wrap up, I wanna thank this
incredible community of high-achieving women. Your energy, resilience,
and commitment to growth are the driving force behind what we do.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate it, leave a review, and don't forget
(29:15):
to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Your feedback fuels our
mission to empower high-achieving women just like you. And of
course, share Your Future Starts Now with the extraordinary women in
your life who are also on a journey of healing and empowerment. Connect
with us on social media, share your thoughts, let us know what topics you'd like to
explore in future episodes. Stay connected on Instagram at
(29:35):
GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
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