April 19, 2024 • 39 mins
In this captivating episode, I had the honor of delving deep into the remarkable journey of Conor Murphy, a Navy veteran, certified CrossFit trainer, and managing partner of Big Night Fitness.
Conor delves into the interconnectedness of physical and mental strength, advocating for a holistic approach to wellbeing. He bravely opens up about personal challenges, his experience with personal reinvention, and shares transformative insights on resilience and personal growth.
He delves into important lessons learned from his life experiences, emphasizing the value of being useful to others as a key to success and happiness. Conor's candid reflections on personal reinvention, owning mistakes, and the power of positive self-talk offer valuable insights for listeners. Through his story of growth and transformation, Conor inspires listeners to embrace resilience, authenticity, and the belief in their own worth.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
you're a corporate powerhouse or an entrepreneur, this show is
designed for you. Your Future Starts Now is more than
(00:20):
just a podcast. It's a movement, a movement towards rewriting
the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you're exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now.
I'm your host, Gia Lacqua. I want to thank you for tuning in today. I'm
(00:43):
so excited to introduce you to Conor Murphy. Conor is
a Navy veteran, a certified CrossFit trainer, senior trainer
for CrossFit seminar staff, podcast host, and most importantly,
a girl dad. Conor trains everyone from celebrities to
professional athletes to his parents because fitness is his passion.
Currently, Conor is the managing partner of Big Night Fitness, where he
(01:04):
brings together all of his favorite aspects of life, entertainment, passion,
and fitness. He's opened several gyms, started half a dozen companies,
and loves creating new opportunities to enjoy fitness and
community around the world. Conor, I am so excited to chat with
Thank you for having me and thank you for that intro. Again, it's always, it always makes me
(01:26):
You are a busy guy. So tell us a little bit
about your backstory and what led you to the work that you're doing
You know, when I grew up
playing sports, my parents were always very, very
committed to fitness and letting me know that if I wanted to excel in
sports, even at a very young age in elementary school through middle school and
(01:49):
high school, that I needed to make training a priority. And
whether that be specific training for a sport or
just general health and wellness. And that's kind of what brought,
you know, just wanting to get that competitive edge is probably
what pushed me towards fitness. And then kind of
the same rules applied when I went into the Navy and I wanted to be at at
(02:10):
the top level of my training and I wanted to do things outside of
what we were doing in training to improve my fitness,
it was always a driving force about a better quality of life. And
when I got out of the Navy, it just seemed like that was
the one thing that stuck. And even though I didn't have anything specific that I was training
for, I knew that my quality of life was significantly better if
(02:33):
I was prioritizing my health and wellness through fitness, diet
Makes sense. Makes sense. So tell us a little bit about, you
know, what are the, some of the key principles, lessons, or values that you took
away from your time in the Navy that you apply to your life
Oh, wow. I mean, there are there are a
(02:55):
lot and there were a lot of lessons learned on site. But
I want to say there were more lessons learned as I went down
the road outside of the military. It was like, man, I wish I
could have made those. I wish I could have drawn those parallels at the time.
But I think a big piece is working in communities. In
the area that I worked in the Navy, it was a very, very tight-knit community. And
(03:18):
it was just a lot more motivating to do anything, to do hard work,
to achieve very, very difficult goals
and tasks. When you had a group of people that all had
that common goal, it made things maybe not easier, but
a lot simpler, where you knew what you had to do and you were going to accomplish
that at any cost. That was a big piece
(03:39):
that I've taken with me, the reliability of something. Not
to go down like a dark hole early, but
I think a lot of the reasons for PTSD and people that
are leaving the service, it's not necessarily what
happened when they were in the service. It wasn't that there were these
terrible things that happened in war. I'm not saying that those didn't happen. I
(04:02):
think for the most part, regardless of your role, when you're in the service, you're
relied upon to do your job, whether it's paperwork, whether
it is in front lines and combat roles, whether it is, you know, anything
from, you know, people behind the scenes, front lines, whatever it
is, everyone has a role and you are relied
upon to do that role. And it gives this meaningfulness in
(04:25):
life. And I think when people transition out,
you can have a job that's paying you a lot of money. You can have, you
know, people that want to be around. You can have a lot of these different things, but
that, that meaningful, I guess, meaningfulness and,
and doing something of purpose where, where you can
realize, Hey, if I don't do my job, it doesn't get done. Uh, I
(04:48):
think that's one of the main reasons is that people lose that, you know,
whether it be sense of community camaraderie or just, um,
usefulness to others. And I think that's a
big piece of it. And so figuring out what
I can do outside of the service and figuring out, you know, if I'm
ever getting to a low point in my life, it's like, well, how meaningful am
(05:10):
I to other people? What services can I provide? And then kind of
using that to kind of steer my journey back on the right path has been really,
Mm-hmm. That makes a lot of sense. And I love what you said about being
purpose driven and, and, you know, being in
service to others. And we have other people who are relying on
(05:30):
us. So I think one of the things that I hear you
saying without actually saying it is, it's not just about what you're doing, but
it's about how you show up. It's about
sort of what you bring to the table and also how you
make other people feel. I think that's a really important part
of it. So it sounds
(05:50):
like you were able to sort of transfer the service orientation
from the Navy to the work that you're doing today, which is so
Yeah, and part of the training that I did was very, very physically demanding. And
that was a piece that I was able to carry with me even though I wasn't training
for anything. And we always make that joke whenever people
(06:11):
all post a workout or something, and people being like, what are you training for, the apocalypse?
And you're like, I don't know. But you know what, when I do hard things, And
I encourage other people to do that and I help them on that journey. My
life is better. So I'm going to keep doing that. Maybe it's
this black box theory, right? Inputs, something's
happened, outputs. I'm going to keep doing that because the outputs are
(06:36):
And it's been incredible too. And that's been
the main purpose is I have You
know, I have a position now where it's not just, you know, I always hate
and cringe whenever it's like, Oh, Conor's a celebrity trainer. And I'm like, I
train everyone. And sometimes they
happen to be celebrities. Sometimes they happen to be professional athletes,
(06:56):
but improving the quality of life for other people, it
gives you a commonality with anyone. There
are people that are billionaires from the
finance world that I have nothing in common with. However, I have
this unique ability by focusing on fundamentals to
improve their quality of life just by helping them in physical fitness.
(07:19):
That makes me a value to them. I'm
not an exercise physiologist. I don't have a PhD in
any of these studies. I just found some
incredible coaches and mentors where I focus on basics and
it turns out that's what most every person on this
(07:39):
earth needs. It has created a lot of,
I would say, a purpose in
my life and when people talk about,
I don't know, success or people talk about wealth and that, I'm like,
well, I feel like I'm incredibly wealthy because I have I
love my job and I get a chance to to do things for other people
(08:01):
where and it's selfish too It's not it's not like I'm this, you know,
I'm not I'm not this saint who's going around like healing everyone I'm
like the feeling that I get when someone sends me a message Hey, I you
know, I was able to accomplish this and this is getting better. I increased
my muscle mass I lost weight and bone density all this different stuff. It's
like selfishly that feels incredible for me Yeah in the high
(08:21):
that I get from that and that purposefulness that I get now,
it's like that's, you know, it's it is a give and it's a take position.
And I'm just so fortunate to be in that position from the
Yeah, I love that. And being in service to others is all
about having that impact, right? It's it's the feedback that you get in
(08:42):
terms of the changes they've made and how they've grown. um,
that really give you that energy to continue doing what
you're doing. So I love that. I also love what you said about the commonality, right?
Whether you're a stay at home mom or, you know, the
president of the United States, like the commonality is wellness, right?
Everybody wants to be in good health physically and
(09:02):
mentally. So it's a great point that, you know, it's a,
it's a way to connect with people, pretty much anyone. Right.
So, and you and I, in the work that we do talk about, overcoming a
diversity and resilience. And so I
would love to know from your perspective, how you view the
connection between physical strength and mental
(09:25):
Everything I'm going to say is what I've learned from other people here. There's none
of these are original ideas for me. It's always just like being able
to pick and choose. You know, I always say beg, borrow and steal from those that you
look up to. I have a good friend of
mine, Chris Irwin. He works in partnerships in
the Navy SEAL Foundation, but he's also gone through a lot
(09:45):
of health issues that have gone essentially undiagnosed from
Western medicine. For him, he has a thing
called mind fitness. It's really the combination of
physical and mental fitness being one and the same. It's
very difficult for someone to be incredibly healthy
or fit. Yet be majorly deficient in one
(10:08):
of those. So, you know, it's kind of this all encompassing piece
there and. If
you're doing the right things physically,
it definitely helps you in the mental side of things, but it's
not the end-all be-all. I know a
lot of people who are incredibly fit, who have at
(10:29):
the fittest levels of professional athletes, who have full mental
breakdowns. They have no idea who they are as people. They know that training hard is
good for them. But there's another aspect of, again,
what is the purpose? What is the usefulness to
others? And what really makes someone happy? And
so you see it swing from both sides of the spectrum. But I think that if
(10:50):
you're going to say you're healthy, you need to work on both sides of those. And they're
Yeah. I think that's a great point. And you know, in the work
that I do, I talk about holistic well being and the different facets of
life and how they are all connected, right mind, body, spirit,
it's all, you need to work on all of them, but we
(11:13):
all have to keep them all moving in the right direction in
order to really harness that inner strength and that inner power. So
Really great point. Talk to me a little bit about, you know,
one of the other things we talked about in this podcast is the art of reinvention. And
so throughout your career and in your journey, you know,
what I tend to see is that we get stuck, we get stuck in,
(11:36):
maybe it's a job, we get tied to a title, we get settle
to a company, and it's really hard to break out of that, right?
Because we sort of get in our own way. I would love to know,
you know, given your journey, how do you view
Oh, wow. So this is, there's kind of
(11:56):
two times that I want to talk about this. And both may not
make me sound like the best human on earth, but shoot, if someone can
learn and be helped from it, I'm an open
book on that. And the first time was how I left the
Navy. My entire goal upon
enlisting in the Navy and graduating high school, I never took my SATs.
(12:17):
I never did anything. I was the guy who went into class and I was like, what do I have to
do to pass this class? That's all I care about. Because outside of it,
I don't see the relevance to my life and I don't need
to try too hard in this when I can be doing training and other stuff that's going
to prepare me to be a Navy SEAL. And so enlisting into
the Navy and going through all this training and suffering and
these comraderies and the relationships that I have formed, and
(12:40):
you reach this goal that's like, all right, I'm here. I accomplished this
task. And then I had an injury
that stopped me from being able to do the
job. I had a surgery that was recommended that
said, hey, you can be cleared to go. You can be cleared for your jump dive physical.
Once this happens, you'll be good to go. And then I went
(13:03):
back in and I wasn't. And I wasn't cleared. And through
that, I held on to this. It was more than I was
no one. I was my job. I
put everything that I had to be invested in that. And you know what? I think
I had to. I didn't have another option. I didn't have strengths in
that area to be able to make it through by being like, well, if it
(13:25):
doesn't work out, I was all in. I was all into
this. And so when I received that news that I wasn't going to be
cleared for my jump dive physical, I immediately got civilian opinions
for different dive officers to get me cleared through. I essentially went to war with the
Navy and didn't do it the
right way. After that, I was mad at the world. I
(13:45):
thought, hey, I've sacrificed all this stuff. I've been able to, here
I am as this outstanding human, and it
was taken away from me. Or at least I viewed it as it being taken away
from me. And I was bitter. I
thought the world owed me something. If I
felt bothered by someone, I would get into physical altercations with them.
(14:06):
And it didn't matter the advantages and the training that I had outside of
it. I was probably a fun person to be around for
some people, because I loved going out. I loved going to the bars. I loved just
having a great time. But I had this thing that I almost wanted
people to feel bad for me, because I'd sacrificed so much,
and now I didn't have anything. And it took a long time
(14:28):
after that. It was actually funny enough. I give this guy a lot of
credit, Chris Irwin. When I left the Navy, there's
a certain amount of time where you had to make medical appointments. And so it's not just like,
hey, you're not going to do this, so you can go
do X, Y, Z. In that time, I spent time getting into trouble
and doing things with the Navy. It's like, hey, man, you're
(14:48):
going to make this a lot worse for yourself. And
I stopped listening to the people above me. And when
I eventually got out, I moved down to St. Thomas and the Virgin Islands.
So it was honorable discharge. Everything was good in that. And I moved down
and I just wanted everyone to know what I had done and what
I had sacrificed. And it was like I had done something for this world. And
(15:11):
I met this guy, Chris Irwin, and he was actually funny enough.
I thought he was a fraud because not a lot of people are, when
someone's like, oh, I'm a Navy SEAL down at like a remote Caribbean island, you're
like, oh, I want to expose this guy. Turns out this guy was the
real deal. He was essentially retired after 20 years as
a commander in the SEAL teams. Lieutenant Commander at
(15:32):
DevGru, which is the highest level. It's like once you become a
SEAL, then you have like the next upper echelon levels of it, which is just incredible. And
this man, he didn't think the world owed him anything. To
him, what he did was a job and he needed to move on from that job. And
he was able to find usefulness with his family, with his kids, with
everything that he did. He just did really, really well. And that
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kind of unconsciously gave me permission to be like, hey, maybe the world doesn't
owe me anything, especially relative to this person who did
a lot more than you did. Maybe it's time for
you to move on. And that was an important topic, too.
And that was an important piece and turning point in my life where I could really invest everything
into training. And not just, hey, I
(16:16):
am my placement at the CrossFit Games, but I
am my effort. I am the currency which is
in all work. And it doesn't matter if you finish first or
you finish last. It does. Your life's significantly better
when you finish first. But understanding the
currency in work and understand the value that that has
and the lessons that are learned and everything that I had learned in the Navy
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had brought me to the position that I am now, even the negative stuff, even
the times where I was going to captain's mast and having to argue my
way out of things. It's like even my ability to approach and
understand how to, for lack of better words, manipulate
a conversation to have it go in your favor. It's like at times I
was like, that's not who I want to be. And it's like, well, take that skill,
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take that work, maybe not the outcome, and utilize that for something
better. Utilize it for when you're training someone that you might not
have a lot in common with or actually opposing ideas, how
to be appropriate and to be able to deal with them. And then
to get to that end goal of helping more people and having
them promote your services. And so that was a big turning
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point when I finally realized that the world owes you nothing. It doesn't matter what you've done.
It owes you nothing. And when you have that attitude, you're going
to win. Because as soon as you think
that you have it harder than anyone else or that no one else knows
what you're going through or any of that, it sounds harsh, but
you've lost. You're a loser. That's a mentality of
(17:43):
a loser. And it's hard because I was there. I
was that person. And as soon as I
was able to fully realize that, my, my
quality of life improved dramatically. And it was, you
know, it's always that saying when people like everyone through their problems in a pile and you
saw everyone else's, you pull yours back out. It's like, everyone's going through something, but
(18:03):
you also don't have to dwell on that. Like, Oh, I, you know, I'm
what I'm have is nothing compared to that. It's like, don't be a martyr and
just, just do your best and be of service and help
for other people. And that's going to be the absolute best
That is such a beautiful story. I I don't even know
(18:25):
where to start with that. So first of all, I love the fact that, you know,
you found yourself in this victim mode, which we all
do, by the way, from time to time where we fall into
victim mode of, you know, woe is me. But the universe
responded, right, and brought someone into your life, it
sounds like. that really shifted that perspective for
(18:46):
you, which is exactly what you needed in that moment
and helped you get to that next level because of what you just said, you
shifted your mindset, you shifted your perspective. Now, you
could have very well stayed in that victim mode, you could have stayed in that mindset
and your trajectory probably would have looked very different, right?
(19:08):
And I think everyone knows someone who's stuck in that mindset. And I'm
not saying, hey, abandon all your friendships with people that are stuck in that mindset. But
that's that friend where you're like, oh, you're going to say, hey, how
was your day? And it's like, oh, this happened to me, and this happened
to me. And you're like, oh, man. At
the surface level, it's like, you're no fun to be around, my friend. Can
(19:29):
you at least fake it? And guess what? You start faking it.
And you start maybe trying to look at things a little more optimistically. I
bet your quality of life is going to get better. So just lie to
me. Let's not harness your
emotions and make it seem like something else isn't going on. But maybe
let's try to look at something that could happen in the day. Maybe you
(19:49):
parked somewhere for two and a half hours, and you only paid for two hours of it,
and you didn't get a ticket. Let's focus on that rather than if you
X, Y, Z. Again, just a silly example. No, I know
what you mean, and I was so fortunate to be pulled out of
that. I want to note one thing, too, is that Chris
didn't sit me down and show me this manual of Here's
(20:10):
how I don't feel sorry for myself. He just didn't feel sorry for himself.
And he carried himself in a way that made me think, that's how I want
to be. And so it was a decision on my part, but he taught
through his actions. He didn't preach about it. And
those are some of the best mentors I've had, is the people that
live it. And I see what they are, and I see what they can become. And
(20:30):
I'm like, that's what I want to be. Not someone who's like, hey,
make sure you're doing this, this and this to have the best quality of
life. And I was like, I was, you know, especially after leaving the Navy, I was no
good at people telling me what to do. In fact, you could probably tell
me what to do and I'd already be doing it. And the likelihood is
that I would stop doing it just because I was told to do it. Like that's how
(20:54):
Yeah, no, it's, it's a great point. And it's a true, the
true definition of a good leader is leading
Yeah. And I truly believe that. And Chris, Chris
I love that. And I guess what do you think? I know you said,
you know, you see people like that, who are stuck in that victim mode
(21:18):
mentality of You know, all of these things are
happening to me. One of the things I
like to help people shift their perspective with when it comes
to that is, you know, sometimes we have to zoom out. We can get very mired into
the here and now, very focused on
the negative. But sometimes we have to zoom out and think
(21:38):
not why is this happening to me, but what is this trying to
teach me? Right. And somehow looking at as
hard as it may be an opportunity that we can get out of it.
Maybe it's not in that moment. Maybe it's longer term. But I would love
from your perspective, what do you think the biggest factors
(21:59):
You know, I think it's it's it's not
usually something that just happens. It's usually a learned behavior. Yeah.
You know, there could be many reasons. I'm not
I'm not I don't know exactly why. you know, that
someone may feel like that. But I can tell
you one of the things, you know, I'm more of a, like,
(22:20):
less why and how do we get better at it. And one of the things that's
really helped me, and I took
two ideas, and again, I stole these from friends. One
of them is I had a friend who, I mean, when
you talk about accomplishments, everything that he did was amazing.
you know, from military to going from like a
(22:42):
seaman to admiral program, from enlisted to officer to becoming
a firefighter to then, you know, getting, you know,
all of these amazing things. He's just an amazing, amazing person. But
maybe the way he was raised, he had a really tough time
celebrating his own accomplishments and thinking that he was insufficient.
(23:03):
And there's two things that really, really helped me in having him
get better at it is one thing is
I would always tell him, I wish you saw you the way I do. I
wish you viewed your accomplishments and things the way
that I do, because you wouldn't be talking like this. All of those things that
you're saying are made up in your head. It's made up. you
(23:24):
thinking that you're not enough is a made up thought from you. Because I
don't think that, and I view you as this, and so does everyone else.
And it's like, if you could only take that step back, that was super
helpful. And then another thing, a good friend of mine, James Hobart from
CrossFit World, he was just a stellar
scholar. went to law school and then decided he
(23:46):
wanted to coach CrossFit, which is
not a typical task for someone to do, to go through law school, graduate
law school, and then do that. But it's more of a
fun one. When someone is saying these negative things, or especially that
negative self-talk, is you
would say, hey, don't talk about my friend like that to
(24:07):
them. my
girlfriend or my friend or someone wants to say something like, hey, you don't you don't talk about
them like that. Because I would I would never let anyone else talk
about you like that. So you know, it's more of a funny thing, but it's
these small habits where It's like it's this compiling thing.
It's not that one thing happens and everyone's like, Oh, what was me? My life
(24:28):
sucks. I'm not good. It's like how you view certain situations. So
to change the viewing angle and say, I wish you saw you
the way I do. And then also it's like, don't say that. I
don't want to hear that about it. I don't want you to say that about you. That's not how I feel. It's not how I
Yeah, it's beautiful advice. And such
an important point to keep in mind that, you know, the way we
(24:52):
see ourselves versus the way other people see us, there's
usually a pretty significant discrepancy there. And
there's this concept that that in the work that I do, that is, you
know, about being enough, you know, it's enoughness, when do we feel
enough, we're always chasing and striving for
success. But it's really about finding that inner sense of self worth,
(25:12):
And it's the value disparity in terms of how we see
ourselves versus how other people see us. And how do
we reconcile that in terms of our identity? Right. And
I think that's when we can really cultivate the authentic, true inner
confidence to be to be who we are authentically meant
Yeah, and a second a second
(25:33):
piece to that is You
know, once I had created that journey and everything was fantastic and
that, I got married, we had a kid, and slowly
our marriage was going back. And it was
to the point where we were, from her words, friends
under the same roof. And it
(25:57):
wasn't intimate. It wasn't what I thought love would be. And I
stepped out of our relationship. And it wasn't the right thing to
do. And it crushed a lot of
– it hurt a lot of people. Worse, it hurt
my ex-wife who is now a very, very good
friend of mine. We were raising our daughter together. But man,
(26:18):
I had a thousand ways that I could justify it. I could
talk and because of my experience and playing
devil's advocate and being able to talk both sides of the story, I could convince
myself that I did the right thing to do because of what had
happened to me in this relationship rather than just taking
ownership of being like, hey, I did this. I can either live
(26:38):
the rest of my life trying to convince people that it was the right thing to do or
I can move on. And
again, I'm really brushing through this story quickly, but I
mean, it was like friendships of both of our people that were friends. It was like
it was it was a disaster. I put a lot of people in really, really tough situations and.
And at some point, instead of being like, hey, I'm still a good person, guys. I'm still a good
(27:01):
person. This is why it happened to me. It's like, you know what? This is what
happened. And here's what I'm going to do to move past. And here's what I'm going to do to move
on and to get better. And one of my favorite quotes
is something by Alex Ramosi. And it says, confidence is not built by
shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having an undeniable
stack of proof that you are who you say you are. So
(27:23):
at one point in time, when you talk about reinventing yourself, It
was hard for me to coach a class after that had happened, because all
of these people that my word was whatever they would do, and I was just honorable,
this great person, all of these things. Now I'm standing in
front of people, not knowing who knows, who knows certain details,
who knows what, and I'm telling them these things, and maybe my words are falling upon deaf
(27:44):
ears. And it was like I wanted to convince everyone, hey, I'm
still the same person from before. I can
tell you all these different things. And it was like, no, you've got to restart. And
you've got to restart from zero. And now, instead of telling people that you're a
good person, you've got to go above and beyond to do the
things to be the person that you say you are. And four
(28:05):
years after that, I truly believe that I have an undeniable stack
of proof that I am who I say I am. And I don't have to
tell people. I don't have to show people. It's like, hey guys, here's all
the things. It's like people see that and people will move on from
that. And because of that and the amazing
people that have been in my life that I did significantly hurt, the
(28:27):
quality of life is better than I've ever had before. And
it wasn't the blueprint. It wasn't the path that I wanted to
write out there. But I know now what I can do and how to avoid
something from happening again and taking responsibility rather than finding
a way. I'm such a good person. How could this have happened? Oh, it must have
been something that someone else did for me to have to act like that. And it's bullshit. It's
(28:48):
a lie that I told myself. And I'm grateful to
have gone through that and had still incredible people by my
side. I have close friends that were my brothers that
left my side, that left me in a time where I may have needed it
most. But who am I to judge someone on how they react in
a situation when they're doing the same thing about how I acted
(29:08):
out something. Self-responsibility, taking
credit, owning it, fail fast. You fail, good, own
it. Yes, I made this mistake. Rather than this is
why I made this mistake, move on with your life. And
it's put me in a position now that I am the happiest I've ever been.
I'm the most confident. I understand a
(29:29):
lot more of what's going to continue to
make me happy. And unfortunately, it's hurt a lot of people along
the way. I don't want to say I wouldn't have it any other way,
because I would probably go back and change a couple of details, little
Yeah. I love what you said about owning it, accepting
(29:51):
failure. I think so many of us were raised to
not fail and to be afraid of failure. So that's a huge mindset
shift in terms of being OK with failure, accepting it,
acknowledge it, embracing the mistakes, taking accountability and
responsibility for where we are and
the actions that brought us there and moving
(30:15):
on from it, right? Acknowledging it and then
saying, okay, well, what's next for me rather than dwelling and getting
stuck there? I also appreciate what you said
about, you know, we all sort of grow up and
have this vision in our mind of what we want our lives to look
like. And some of us become so attached
(30:35):
to it that it becomes very difficult, if
not impossible, for us to embrace those twists and
turns. And so what you just said is super powerful
in terms of rolling with it, right? Being okay,
embracing that maybe our life isn't unfolding exactly
the way we thought it would, but that's okay. And
(31:00):
Yeah, and I think that comes from major things and minor things as well.
The ability to, you know, in Navy terms, improvise, adapt,
and overcome. Even just in small things. It's like, you
know, what's this? Is it worth me getting all super upset about or let's just roll with
it? It wasn't exactly how I wanted the night to go. I'm
(31:21):
Absolutely. It's the key to resilience. So Conor, I'm
curious. We talk a lot about redefining success on this podcast. I'm
curious as to how you define success for yourself today and
Well, you know, no one is going to be asked this question now
and say, money. No one's going to have that response being
(31:43):
like, money is success, fancy cars, jewelry, women.
And that's kind of how a lot of people look at it. Like, oh, I want that. But
what I don't want to do is I don't want to retract that from being
a piece of it, about those things, about
being almost like tokens of success more
so. And that was kind of like my main definition about what I wanted from
(32:06):
that. I wanted a job where I did something awesome, but I also wanted financial
freedom and I wanted that. So it was hard for me to figure out success.
I think I knew success as become a Navy SEAL. You
succeeded in your, and it didn't talk about how you would operate
or how you did the job or what you were known as in the teams or whatever that
would be down the road. It was just accomplish this. And
(32:30):
so I think there was a lot more to it. And it was recently, I
read a book and it was referencing Alfred Adler, so
the Adlerian theory of psychology. and
how he defines success or happiness is
usefulness to other people. And it's like, well,
(32:51):
how useful? And it
wasn't even the matter of it being like, well, how useful do you have to be to be successful
or happy? It wasn't even that you really needed to be
that useful. It was the belief that you were useful to
other people, the belief that you were doing something that was contributing, that
you had people that relied on you, that there was some level of
(33:13):
need for what you were doing. And what I love about
that is that it's It can stay true to
how I feel about my levels of success, about training, and how
other people need me or want me to improve their quality
of life. That is, to me, success, the relationships that I have and
the things that I'm able to do from those relationships. But it also
(33:36):
trickles down to, if you are a plumber, you
don't own the company. You just go and you work on plumbing. It's like
people need you. You have a service that
helps others and it can go
as high up and as high down as possible. And when you see
some of these hedge fund managers who have billions of dollars yet they're miserable,
(33:57):
and I've trained them before. I've trained them full time. And
it's like every day your workday was shitty. Every
day it was a bad workday and you had things to complain about. I'm like, I
sat in this basement for the last hour and a half waiting for you and I'm still pretty
excited about life and you can't imagine. So it's like one
point in time when you lose that usefulness to others or that drive
(34:20):
on how you can positively impact – it sounds cheesy – other
people or positively impact the world. It's like that's how I would measure
Yeah. Such a beautiful sentiment and I couldn't agree more.
Conor, what is one thing you want our listeners to consider doing
differently or changing after listening to this
(34:46):
I love that you asked that question. I always ask it when I'm on my podcast, but
I never think about an actual answer. And I think my answer will change
depending on the context of it. But I think one thing that
I would do because we've spoken about it on this is there's one thing
that you can do and you can start right now on improving your
quality of life is be very, very weary of how
(35:07):
you speak about yourself. even if it's in a joking term,
even if it is something that you truly believe, like know that you
don't control your thoughts. You know, people think like,
I've heard a quote says like, I'm the thinker of my thoughts. And
it's like, I wouldn't even say that. I think you're the observer of
your thoughts. And one thing that Chris does is he's like, if
(35:29):
you truly believe you're in control of your thoughts, think about one thing for
60 seconds, just one thing, and watch how crazy your mind will
go. You just observe your thoughts. So even if there's something that keeps
coming across, if you believe it, then you
can make it true. But if you can say, that's not really useful to
me. I am enough. I am
(35:49):
worth it, and I'm really good at these things. And you can start saying that stuff. You
can start to turn to that mental battle from all these things
happening to you to how you are reacting to
it. And so just that one thing is be very weary of how you're
speaking about yourself, and know that just because it's a thought in your head
doesn't make it true. In fact, it's really nothing
at all. It is just a seamless bit of information
(36:17):
Yeah, such great advice. And it's it's true,
because we have a lot of subconscious thoughts that come to the surface. And
we believe that our thoughts are facts, and they're not to your point. So
I think it's a great point to question the thoughts
as we're having them in the moment, and realize that they're not
necessarily true. So great advice. Where
(36:39):
can our listeners learn more about you and the work that you do if they want
If you follow on Instagram at Conor T Murphy,
which is C o n o r t and you are phy And
then as well on Instagram is Big Night Fitness, B-I-G-N-I-G-H-T-F-I-T-N-E-S-S.
(37:01):
We didn't get to talk too much about that. But my passion for
training, and then highlighting other trainers as well, is really,
really exemplified on both of the pages, mainly
with the Big Night Fitness stuff. And then through there, there's the WhoBees
or LinkTrees or whatever they are to lead to all different events, whether
we're doing retreats, whether we're doing you
(37:23):
know, in-person classes, whether it's private training, whatever it
is that we're doing, you can find it on there. And if you want
to contact me directly, the email is contact.ConorMurphy
at gmail.com. I can't promise I'll get back to
you right away, but if you send me an email, I promise I will get back to you or
a DM on Instagram. I'll always get back to you and always make time because of
(37:44):
the amount of people that have made time for me when I didn't quite either
earn it or deserve it, and how much that's changed my life. So I'll always
Amazing. Perfect. Conor, thank you so much for being here, for
sharing your wisdom, your insights, and
your expertise. It's truly been a pleasure. And also
(38:04):
importantly, thank you for your service. I could spend hours talking to
you. So maybe we'll have to do a second episode. So
And of course you can visit my website at GiaLacqua.com. Reach out to
me on Instagram at GiaLacqua. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a
review. This is Gia signing off with gratitude for your time and
(38:25):
energy. Our mic drops, but the movement continues. Until
next time, your next chapter is waiting. Take care. That
concludes another empowering episode of Your Future Starts Now.
Before we wrap up, I want to thank this incredible community of high-achieving women.
Your energy, resilience, and commitment to growth are the driving force
behind what we do. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate
(38:47):
it, leave a review, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Your
feedback fuels our mission to empower high-achieving women just like
you. And of course, share Your Future Starts Now with the extraordinary women
in your life who are also on a journey of healing and empowerment. Connect
with us on social media, share your thoughts, let us know what topics you'd like to
explore in future episodes. Stay connected on Instagram at
(39:08):
GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
you're a corporate powerhouse or an entrepreneur, this show is
designed for you. Your Future Starts Now is more than
(00:20):
just a podcast. It's a movement, a movement towards rewriting
the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you're exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now.
I'm your host, Gia Lacqua. I want to thank you for tuning in today. I'm
(00:43):
so excited to introduce you to Conor Murphy. Conor is
a Navy veteran, a certified CrossFit trainer, senior trainer
for CrossFit seminar staff, podcast host, and most importantly,
a girl dad. Conor trains everyone from celebrities to
professional athletes to his parents because fitness is his passion.
Currently, Conor is the managing partner of Big Night Fitness, where he
(01:04):
brings together all of his favorite aspects of life, entertainment, passion,
and fitness. He's opened several gyms, started half a dozen companies,
and loves creating new opportunities to enjoy fitness and
community around the world. Conor, I am so excited to chat with
Thank you for having me and thank you for that intro. Again, it's always, it always makes me
(01:26):
You are a busy guy. So tell us a little bit
about your backstory and what led you to the work that you're doing
You know, when I grew up
playing sports, my parents were always very, very
committed to fitness and letting me know that if I wanted to excel in
sports, even at a very young age in elementary school through middle school and
(01:49):
high school, that I needed to make training a priority. And
whether that be specific training for a sport or
just general health and wellness. And that's kind of what brought,
you know, just wanting to get that competitive edge is probably
what pushed me towards fitness. And then kind of
the same rules applied when I went into the Navy and I wanted to be at at
(02:10):
the top level of my training and I wanted to do things outside of
what we were doing in training to improve my fitness,
it was always a driving force about a better quality of life. And
when I got out of the Navy, it just seemed like that was
the one thing that stuck. And even though I didn't have anything specific that I was training
for, I knew that my quality of life was significantly better if
(02:33):
I was prioritizing my health and wellness through fitness, diet
Makes sense. Makes sense. So tell us a little bit about, you
know, what are the, some of the key principles, lessons, or values that you took
away from your time in the Navy that you apply to your life
Oh, wow. I mean, there are there are a
(02:55):
lot and there were a lot of lessons learned on site. But
I want to say there were more lessons learned as I went down
the road outside of the military. It was like, man, I wish I
could have made those. I wish I could have drawn those parallels at the time.
But I think a big piece is working in communities. In
the area that I worked in the Navy, it was a very, very tight-knit community. And
(03:18):
it was just a lot more motivating to do anything, to do hard work,
to achieve very, very difficult goals
and tasks. When you had a group of people that all had
that common goal, it made things maybe not easier, but
a lot simpler, where you knew what you had to do and you were going to accomplish
that at any cost. That was a big piece
(03:39):
that I've taken with me, the reliability of something. Not
to go down like a dark hole early, but
I think a lot of the reasons for PTSD and people that
are leaving the service, it's not necessarily what
happened when they were in the service. It wasn't that there were these
terrible things that happened in war. I'm not saying that those didn't happen. I
(04:02):
think for the most part, regardless of your role, when you're in the service, you're
relied upon to do your job, whether it's paperwork, whether
it is in front lines and combat roles, whether it is, you know, anything
from, you know, people behind the scenes, front lines, whatever it
is, everyone has a role and you are relied
upon to do that role. And it gives this meaningfulness in
(04:25):
life. And I think when people transition out,
you can have a job that's paying you a lot of money. You can have, you
know, people that want to be around. You can have a lot of these different things, but
that, that meaningful, I guess, meaningfulness and,
and doing something of purpose where, where you can
realize, Hey, if I don't do my job, it doesn't get done. Uh, I
(04:48):
think that's one of the main reasons is that people lose that, you know,
whether it be sense of community camaraderie or just, um,
usefulness to others. And I think that's a
big piece of it. And so figuring out what
I can do outside of the service and figuring out, you know, if I'm
ever getting to a low point in my life, it's like, well, how meaningful am
(05:10):
I to other people? What services can I provide? And then kind of
using that to kind of steer my journey back on the right path has been really,
Mm-hmm. That makes a lot of sense. And I love what you said about being
purpose driven and, and, you know, being in
service to others. And we have other people who are relying on
(05:30):
us. So I think one of the things that I hear you
saying without actually saying it is, it's not just about what you're doing, but
it's about how you show up. It's about
sort of what you bring to the table and also how you
make other people feel. I think that's a really important part
of it. So it sounds
(05:50):
like you were able to sort of transfer the service orientation
from the Navy to the work that you're doing today, which is so
Yeah, and part of the training that I did was very, very physically demanding. And
that was a piece that I was able to carry with me even though I wasn't training
for anything. And we always make that joke whenever people
(06:11):
all post a workout or something, and people being like, what are you training for, the apocalypse?
And you're like, I don't know. But you know what, when I do hard things, And
I encourage other people to do that and I help them on that journey. My
life is better. So I'm going to keep doing that. Maybe it's
this black box theory, right? Inputs, something's
happened, outputs. I'm going to keep doing that because the outputs are
(06:36):
And it's been incredible too. And that's been
the main purpose is I have You
know, I have a position now where it's not just, you know, I always hate
and cringe whenever it's like, Oh, Conor's a celebrity trainer. And I'm like, I
train everyone. And sometimes they
happen to be celebrities. Sometimes they happen to be professional athletes,
(06:56):
but improving the quality of life for other people, it
gives you a commonality with anyone. There
are people that are billionaires from the
finance world that I have nothing in common with. However, I have
this unique ability by focusing on fundamentals to
improve their quality of life just by helping them in physical fitness.
(07:19):
That makes me a value to them. I'm
not an exercise physiologist. I don't have a PhD in
any of these studies. I just found some
incredible coaches and mentors where I focus on basics and
it turns out that's what most every person on this
(07:39):
earth needs. It has created a lot of,
I would say, a purpose in
my life and when people talk about,
I don't know, success or people talk about wealth and that, I'm like,
well, I feel like I'm incredibly wealthy because I have I
love my job and I get a chance to to do things for other people
(08:01):
where and it's selfish too It's not it's not like I'm this, you know,
I'm not I'm not this saint who's going around like healing everyone I'm
like the feeling that I get when someone sends me a message Hey, I you
know, I was able to accomplish this and this is getting better. I increased
my muscle mass I lost weight and bone density all this different stuff. It's
like selfishly that feels incredible for me Yeah in the high
(08:21):
that I get from that and that purposefulness that I get now,
it's like that's, you know, it's it is a give and it's a take position.
And I'm just so fortunate to be in that position from the
Yeah, I love that. And being in service to others is all
about having that impact, right? It's it's the feedback that you get in
(08:42):
terms of the changes they've made and how they've grown. um,
that really give you that energy to continue doing what
you're doing. So I love that. I also love what you said about the commonality, right?
Whether you're a stay at home mom or, you know, the
president of the United States, like the commonality is wellness, right?
Everybody wants to be in good health physically and
(09:02):
mentally. So it's a great point that, you know, it's a,
it's a way to connect with people, pretty much anyone. Right.
So, and you and I, in the work that we do talk about, overcoming a
diversity and resilience. And so I
would love to know from your perspective, how you view the
connection between physical strength and mental
(09:25):
Everything I'm going to say is what I've learned from other people here. There's none
of these are original ideas for me. It's always just like being able
to pick and choose. You know, I always say beg, borrow and steal from those that you
look up to. I have a good friend of
mine, Chris Irwin. He works in partnerships in
the Navy SEAL Foundation, but he's also gone through a lot
(09:45):
of health issues that have gone essentially undiagnosed from
Western medicine. For him, he has a thing
called mind fitness. It's really the combination of
physical and mental fitness being one and the same. It's
very difficult for someone to be incredibly healthy
or fit. Yet be majorly deficient in one
(10:08):
of those. So, you know, it's kind of this all encompassing piece
there and. If
you're doing the right things physically,
it definitely helps you in the mental side of things, but it's
not the end-all be-all. I know a
lot of people who are incredibly fit, who have at
(10:29):
the fittest levels of professional athletes, who have full mental
breakdowns. They have no idea who they are as people. They know that training hard is
good for them. But there's another aspect of, again,
what is the purpose? What is the usefulness to
others? And what really makes someone happy? And
so you see it swing from both sides of the spectrum. But I think that if
(10:50):
you're going to say you're healthy, you need to work on both sides of those. And they're
Yeah. I think that's a great point. And you know, in the work
that I do, I talk about holistic well being and the different facets of
life and how they are all connected, right mind, body, spirit,
it's all, you need to work on all of them, but we
(11:13):
all have to keep them all moving in the right direction in
order to really harness that inner strength and that inner power. So
Really great point. Talk to me a little bit about, you know,
one of the other things we talked about in this podcast is the art of reinvention. And
so throughout your career and in your journey, you know,
what I tend to see is that we get stuck, we get stuck in,
(11:36):
maybe it's a job, we get tied to a title, we get settle
to a company, and it's really hard to break out of that, right?
Because we sort of get in our own way. I would love to know,
you know, given your journey, how do you view
Oh, wow. So this is, there's kind of
(11:56):
two times that I want to talk about this. And both may not
make me sound like the best human on earth, but shoot, if someone can
learn and be helped from it, I'm an open
book on that. And the first time was how I left the
Navy. My entire goal upon
enlisting in the Navy and graduating high school, I never took my SATs.
(12:17):
I never did anything. I was the guy who went into class and I was like, what do I have to
do to pass this class? That's all I care about. Because outside of it,
I don't see the relevance to my life and I don't need
to try too hard in this when I can be doing training and other stuff that's going
to prepare me to be a Navy SEAL. And so enlisting into
the Navy and going through all this training and suffering and
these comraderies and the relationships that I have formed, and
(12:40):
you reach this goal that's like, all right, I'm here. I accomplished this
task. And then I had an injury
that stopped me from being able to do the
job. I had a surgery that was recommended that
said, hey, you can be cleared to go. You can be cleared for your jump dive physical.
Once this happens, you'll be good to go. And then I went
(13:03):
back in and I wasn't. And I wasn't cleared. And through
that, I held on to this. It was more than I was
no one. I was my job. I
put everything that I had to be invested in that. And you know what? I think
I had to. I didn't have another option. I didn't have strengths in
that area to be able to make it through by being like, well, if it
(13:25):
doesn't work out, I was all in. I was all into
this. And so when I received that news that I wasn't going to be
cleared for my jump dive physical, I immediately got civilian opinions
for different dive officers to get me cleared through. I essentially went to war with the
Navy and didn't do it the
right way. After that, I was mad at the world. I
(13:45):
thought, hey, I've sacrificed all this stuff. I've been able to, here
I am as this outstanding human, and it
was taken away from me. Or at least I viewed it as it being taken away
from me. And I was bitter. I
thought the world owed me something. If I
felt bothered by someone, I would get into physical altercations with them.
(14:06):
And it didn't matter the advantages and the training that I had outside of
it. I was probably a fun person to be around for
some people, because I loved going out. I loved going to the bars. I loved just
having a great time. But I had this thing that I almost wanted
people to feel bad for me, because I'd sacrificed so much,
and now I didn't have anything. And it took a long time
(14:28):
after that. It was actually funny enough. I give this guy a lot of
credit, Chris Irwin. When I left the Navy, there's
a certain amount of time where you had to make medical appointments. And so it's not just like,
hey, you're not going to do this, so you can go
do X, Y, Z. In that time, I spent time getting into trouble
and doing things with the Navy. It's like, hey, man, you're
(14:48):
going to make this a lot worse for yourself. And
I stopped listening to the people above me. And when
I eventually got out, I moved down to St. Thomas and the Virgin Islands.
So it was honorable discharge. Everything was good in that. And I moved down
and I just wanted everyone to know what I had done and what
I had sacrificed. And it was like I had done something for this world. And
(15:11):
I met this guy, Chris Irwin, and he was actually funny enough.
I thought he was a fraud because not a lot of people are, when
someone's like, oh, I'm a Navy SEAL down at like a remote Caribbean island, you're
like, oh, I want to expose this guy. Turns out this guy was the
real deal. He was essentially retired after 20 years as
a commander in the SEAL teams. Lieutenant Commander at
(15:32):
DevGru, which is the highest level. It's like once you become a
SEAL, then you have like the next upper echelon levels of it, which is just incredible. And
this man, he didn't think the world owed him anything. To
him, what he did was a job and he needed to move on from that job. And
he was able to find usefulness with his family, with his kids, with
everything that he did. He just did really, really well. And that
(15:54):
kind of unconsciously gave me permission to be like, hey, maybe the world doesn't
owe me anything, especially relative to this person who did
a lot more than you did. Maybe it's time for
you to move on. And that was an important topic, too.
And that was an important piece and turning point in my life where I could really invest everything
into training. And not just, hey, I
(16:16):
am my placement at the CrossFit Games, but I
am my effort. I am the currency which is
in all work. And it doesn't matter if you finish first or
you finish last. It does. Your life's significantly better
when you finish first. But understanding the
currency in work and understand the value that that has
and the lessons that are learned and everything that I had learned in the Navy
(16:39):
had brought me to the position that I am now, even the negative stuff, even
the times where I was going to captain's mast and having to argue my
way out of things. It's like even my ability to approach and
understand how to, for lack of better words, manipulate
a conversation to have it go in your favor. It's like at times I
was like, that's not who I want to be. And it's like, well, take that skill,
(17:00):
take that work, maybe not the outcome, and utilize that for something
better. Utilize it for when you're training someone that you might not
have a lot in common with or actually opposing ideas, how
to be appropriate and to be able to deal with them. And then
to get to that end goal of helping more people and having
them promote your services. And so that was a big turning
(17:21):
point when I finally realized that the world owes you nothing. It doesn't matter what you've done.
It owes you nothing. And when you have that attitude, you're going
to win. Because as soon as you think
that you have it harder than anyone else or that no one else knows
what you're going through or any of that, it sounds harsh, but
you've lost. You're a loser. That's a mentality of
(17:43):
a loser. And it's hard because I was there. I
was that person. And as soon as I
was able to fully realize that, my, my
quality of life improved dramatically. And it was, you
know, it's always that saying when people like everyone through their problems in a pile and you
saw everyone else's, you pull yours back out. It's like, everyone's going through something, but
(18:03):
you also don't have to dwell on that. Like, Oh, I, you know, I'm
what I'm have is nothing compared to that. It's like, don't be a martyr and
just, just do your best and be of service and help
for other people. And that's going to be the absolute best
That is such a beautiful story. I I don't even know
(18:25):
where to start with that. So first of all, I love the fact that, you know,
you found yourself in this victim mode, which we all
do, by the way, from time to time where we fall into
victim mode of, you know, woe is me. But the universe
responded, right, and brought someone into your life, it
sounds like. that really shifted that perspective for
(18:46):
you, which is exactly what you needed in that moment
and helped you get to that next level because of what you just said, you
shifted your mindset, you shifted your perspective. Now, you
could have very well stayed in that victim mode, you could have stayed in that mindset
and your trajectory probably would have looked very different, right?
(19:08):
And I think everyone knows someone who's stuck in that mindset. And I'm
not saying, hey, abandon all your friendships with people that are stuck in that mindset. But
that's that friend where you're like, oh, you're going to say, hey, how
was your day? And it's like, oh, this happened to me, and this happened
to me. And you're like, oh, man. At
the surface level, it's like, you're no fun to be around, my friend. Can
(19:29):
you at least fake it? And guess what? You start faking it.
And you start maybe trying to look at things a little more optimistically. I
bet your quality of life is going to get better. So just lie to
me. Let's not harness your
emotions and make it seem like something else isn't going on. But maybe
let's try to look at something that could happen in the day. Maybe you
(19:49):
parked somewhere for two and a half hours, and you only paid for two hours of it,
and you didn't get a ticket. Let's focus on that rather than if you
X, Y, Z. Again, just a silly example. No, I know
what you mean, and I was so fortunate to be pulled out of
that. I want to note one thing, too, is that Chris
didn't sit me down and show me this manual of Here's
(20:10):
how I don't feel sorry for myself. He just didn't feel sorry for himself.
And he carried himself in a way that made me think, that's how I want
to be. And so it was a decision on my part, but he taught
through his actions. He didn't preach about it. And
those are some of the best mentors I've had, is the people that
live it. And I see what they are, and I see what they can become. And
(20:30):
I'm like, that's what I want to be. Not someone who's like, hey,
make sure you're doing this, this and this to have the best quality of
life. And I was like, I was, you know, especially after leaving the Navy, I was no
good at people telling me what to do. In fact, you could probably tell
me what to do and I'd already be doing it. And the likelihood is
that I would stop doing it just because I was told to do it. Like that's how
(20:54):
Yeah, no, it's, it's a great point. And it's a true, the
true definition of a good leader is leading
Yeah. And I truly believe that. And Chris, Chris
I love that. And I guess what do you think? I know you said,
you know, you see people like that, who are stuck in that victim mode
(21:18):
mentality of You know, all of these things are
happening to me. One of the things I
like to help people shift their perspective with when it comes
to that is, you know, sometimes we have to zoom out. We can get very mired into
the here and now, very focused on
the negative. But sometimes we have to zoom out and think
(21:38):
not why is this happening to me, but what is this trying to
teach me? Right. And somehow looking at as
hard as it may be an opportunity that we can get out of it.
Maybe it's not in that moment. Maybe it's longer term. But I would love
from your perspective, what do you think the biggest factors
(21:59):
You know, I think it's it's it's not
usually something that just happens. It's usually a learned behavior. Yeah.
You know, there could be many reasons. I'm not
I'm not I don't know exactly why. you know, that
someone may feel like that. But I can tell
you one of the things, you know, I'm more of a, like,
(22:20):
less why and how do we get better at it. And one of the things that's
really helped me, and I took
two ideas, and again, I stole these from friends. One
of them is I had a friend who, I mean, when
you talk about accomplishments, everything that he did was amazing.
you know, from military to going from like a
(22:42):
seaman to admiral program, from enlisted to officer to becoming
a firefighter to then, you know, getting, you know,
all of these amazing things. He's just an amazing, amazing person. But
maybe the way he was raised, he had a really tough time
celebrating his own accomplishments and thinking that he was insufficient.
(23:03):
And there's two things that really, really helped me in having him
get better at it is one thing is
I would always tell him, I wish you saw you the way I do. I
wish you viewed your accomplishments and things the way
that I do, because you wouldn't be talking like this. All of those things that
you're saying are made up in your head. It's made up. you
(23:24):
thinking that you're not enough is a made up thought from you. Because I
don't think that, and I view you as this, and so does everyone else.
And it's like, if you could only take that step back, that was super
helpful. And then another thing, a good friend of mine, James Hobart from
CrossFit World, he was just a stellar
scholar. went to law school and then decided he
(23:46):
wanted to coach CrossFit, which is
not a typical task for someone to do, to go through law school, graduate
law school, and then do that. But it's more of a
fun one. When someone is saying these negative things, or especially that
negative self-talk, is you
would say, hey, don't talk about my friend like that to
(24:07):
them. my
girlfriend or my friend or someone wants to say something like, hey, you don't you don't talk about
them like that. Because I would I would never let anyone else talk
about you like that. So you know, it's more of a funny thing, but it's
these small habits where It's like it's this compiling thing.
It's not that one thing happens and everyone's like, Oh, what was me? My life
(24:28):
sucks. I'm not good. It's like how you view certain situations. So
to change the viewing angle and say, I wish you saw you
the way I do. And then also it's like, don't say that. I
don't want to hear that about it. I don't want you to say that about you. That's not how I feel. It's not how I
Yeah, it's beautiful advice. And such
an important point to keep in mind that, you know, the way we
(24:52):
see ourselves versus the way other people see us, there's
usually a pretty significant discrepancy there. And
there's this concept that that in the work that I do, that is, you
know, about being enough, you know, it's enoughness, when do we feel
enough, we're always chasing and striving for
success. But it's really about finding that inner sense of self worth,
(25:12):
And it's the value disparity in terms of how we see
ourselves versus how other people see us. And how do
we reconcile that in terms of our identity? Right. And
I think that's when we can really cultivate the authentic, true inner
confidence to be to be who we are authentically meant
Yeah, and a second a second
(25:33):
piece to that is You
know, once I had created that journey and everything was fantastic and
that, I got married, we had a kid, and slowly
our marriage was going back. And it was
to the point where we were, from her words, friends
under the same roof. And it
(25:57):
wasn't intimate. It wasn't what I thought love would be. And I
stepped out of our relationship. And it wasn't the right thing to
do. And it crushed a lot of
– it hurt a lot of people. Worse, it hurt
my ex-wife who is now a very, very good
friend of mine. We were raising our daughter together. But man,
(26:18):
I had a thousand ways that I could justify it. I could
talk and because of my experience and playing
devil's advocate and being able to talk both sides of the story, I could convince
myself that I did the right thing to do because of what had
happened to me in this relationship rather than just taking
ownership of being like, hey, I did this. I can either live
(26:38):
the rest of my life trying to convince people that it was the right thing to do or
I can move on. And
again, I'm really brushing through this story quickly, but I
mean, it was like friendships of both of our people that were friends. It was like
it was it was a disaster. I put a lot of people in really, really tough situations and.
And at some point, instead of being like, hey, I'm still a good person, guys. I'm still a good
(27:01):
person. This is why it happened to me. It's like, you know what? This is what
happened. And here's what I'm going to do to move past. And here's what I'm going to do to move
on and to get better. And one of my favorite quotes
is something by Alex Ramosi. And it says, confidence is not built by
shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having an undeniable
stack of proof that you are who you say you are. So
(27:23):
at one point in time, when you talk about reinventing yourself, It
was hard for me to coach a class after that had happened, because all
of these people that my word was whatever they would do, and I was just honorable,
this great person, all of these things. Now I'm standing in
front of people, not knowing who knows, who knows certain details,
who knows what, and I'm telling them these things, and maybe my words are falling upon deaf
(27:44):
ears. And it was like I wanted to convince everyone, hey, I'm
still the same person from before. I can
tell you all these different things. And it was like, no, you've got to restart. And
you've got to restart from zero. And now, instead of telling people that you're a
good person, you've got to go above and beyond to do the
things to be the person that you say you are. And four
(28:05):
years after that, I truly believe that I have an undeniable stack
of proof that I am who I say I am. And I don't have to
tell people. I don't have to show people. It's like, hey guys, here's all
the things. It's like people see that and people will move on from
that. And because of that and the amazing
people that have been in my life that I did significantly hurt, the
(28:27):
quality of life is better than I've ever had before. And
it wasn't the blueprint. It wasn't the path that I wanted to
write out there. But I know now what I can do and how to avoid
something from happening again and taking responsibility rather than finding
a way. I'm such a good person. How could this have happened? Oh, it must have
been something that someone else did for me to have to act like that. And it's bullshit. It's
(28:48):
a lie that I told myself. And I'm grateful to
have gone through that and had still incredible people by my
side. I have close friends that were my brothers that
left my side, that left me in a time where I may have needed it
most. But who am I to judge someone on how they react in
a situation when they're doing the same thing about how I acted
(29:08):
out something. Self-responsibility, taking
credit, owning it, fail fast. You fail, good, own
it. Yes, I made this mistake. Rather than this is
why I made this mistake, move on with your life. And
it's put me in a position now that I am the happiest I've ever been.
I'm the most confident. I understand a
(29:29):
lot more of what's going to continue to
make me happy. And unfortunately, it's hurt a lot of people along
the way. I don't want to say I wouldn't have it any other way,
because I would probably go back and change a couple of details, little
Yeah. I love what you said about owning it, accepting
(29:51):
failure. I think so many of us were raised to
not fail and to be afraid of failure. So that's a huge mindset
shift in terms of being OK with failure, accepting it,
acknowledge it, embracing the mistakes, taking accountability and
responsibility for where we are and
the actions that brought us there and moving
(30:15):
on from it, right? Acknowledging it and then
saying, okay, well, what's next for me rather than dwelling and getting
stuck there? I also appreciate what you said
about, you know, we all sort of grow up and
have this vision in our mind of what we want our lives to look
like. And some of us become so attached
(30:35):
to it that it becomes very difficult, if
not impossible, for us to embrace those twists and
turns. And so what you just said is super powerful
in terms of rolling with it, right? Being okay,
embracing that maybe our life isn't unfolding exactly
the way we thought it would, but that's okay. And
(31:00):
Yeah, and I think that comes from major things and minor things as well.
The ability to, you know, in Navy terms, improvise, adapt,
and overcome. Even just in small things. It's like, you
know, what's this? Is it worth me getting all super upset about or let's just roll with
it? It wasn't exactly how I wanted the night to go. I'm
(31:21):
Absolutely. It's the key to resilience. So Conor, I'm
curious. We talk a lot about redefining success on this podcast. I'm
curious as to how you define success for yourself today and
Well, you know, no one is going to be asked this question now
and say, money. No one's going to have that response being
(31:43):
like, money is success, fancy cars, jewelry, women.
And that's kind of how a lot of people look at it. Like, oh, I want that. But
what I don't want to do is I don't want to retract that from being
a piece of it, about those things, about
being almost like tokens of success more
so. And that was kind of like my main definition about what I wanted from
(32:06):
that. I wanted a job where I did something awesome, but I also wanted financial
freedom and I wanted that. So it was hard for me to figure out success.
I think I knew success as become a Navy SEAL. You
succeeded in your, and it didn't talk about how you would operate
or how you did the job or what you were known as in the teams or whatever that
would be down the road. It was just accomplish this. And
(32:30):
so I think there was a lot more to it. And it was recently, I
read a book and it was referencing Alfred Adler, so
the Adlerian theory of psychology. and
how he defines success or happiness is
usefulness to other people. And it's like, well,
(32:51):
how useful? And it
wasn't even the matter of it being like, well, how useful do you have to be to be successful
or happy? It wasn't even that you really needed to be
that useful. It was the belief that you were useful to
other people, the belief that you were doing something that was contributing, that
you had people that relied on you, that there was some level of
(33:13):
need for what you were doing. And what I love about
that is that it's It can stay true to
how I feel about my levels of success, about training, and how
other people need me or want me to improve their quality
of life. That is, to me, success, the relationships that I have and
the things that I'm able to do from those relationships. But it also
(33:36):
trickles down to, if you are a plumber, you
don't own the company. You just go and you work on plumbing. It's like
people need you. You have a service that
helps others and it can go
as high up and as high down as possible. And when you see
some of these hedge fund managers who have billions of dollars yet they're miserable,
(33:57):
and I've trained them before. I've trained them full time. And
it's like every day your workday was shitty. Every
day it was a bad workday and you had things to complain about. I'm like, I
sat in this basement for the last hour and a half waiting for you and I'm still pretty
excited about life and you can't imagine. So it's like one
point in time when you lose that usefulness to others or that drive
(34:20):
on how you can positively impact – it sounds cheesy – other
people or positively impact the world. It's like that's how I would measure
Yeah. Such a beautiful sentiment and I couldn't agree more.
Conor, what is one thing you want our listeners to consider doing
differently or changing after listening to this
(34:46):
I love that you asked that question. I always ask it when I'm on my podcast, but
I never think about an actual answer. And I think my answer will change
depending on the context of it. But I think one thing that
I would do because we've spoken about it on this is there's one thing
that you can do and you can start right now on improving your
quality of life is be very, very weary of how
(35:07):
you speak about yourself. even if it's in a joking term,
even if it is something that you truly believe, like know that you
don't control your thoughts. You know, people think like,
I've heard a quote says like, I'm the thinker of my thoughts. And
it's like, I wouldn't even say that. I think you're the observer of
your thoughts. And one thing that Chris does is he's like, if
(35:29):
you truly believe you're in control of your thoughts, think about one thing for
60 seconds, just one thing, and watch how crazy your mind will
go. You just observe your thoughts. So even if there's something that keeps
coming across, if you believe it, then you
can make it true. But if you can say, that's not really useful to
me. I am enough. I am
(35:49):
worth it, and I'm really good at these things. And you can start saying that stuff. You
can start to turn to that mental battle from all these things
happening to you to how you are reacting to
it. And so just that one thing is be very weary of how you're
speaking about yourself, and know that just because it's a thought in your head
doesn't make it true. In fact, it's really nothing
at all. It is just a seamless bit of information
(36:17):
Yeah, such great advice. And it's it's true,
because we have a lot of subconscious thoughts that come to the surface. And
we believe that our thoughts are facts, and they're not to your point. So
I think it's a great point to question the thoughts
as we're having them in the moment, and realize that they're not
necessarily true. So great advice. Where
(36:39):
can our listeners learn more about you and the work that you do if they want
If you follow on Instagram at Conor T Murphy,
which is C o n o r t and you are phy And
then as well on Instagram is Big Night Fitness, B-I-G-N-I-G-H-T-F-I-T-N-E-S-S.
(37:01):
We didn't get to talk too much about that. But my passion for
training, and then highlighting other trainers as well, is really,
really exemplified on both of the pages, mainly
with the Big Night Fitness stuff. And then through there, there's the WhoBees
or LinkTrees or whatever they are to lead to all different events, whether
we're doing retreats, whether we're doing you
(37:23):
know, in-person classes, whether it's private training, whatever it
is that we're doing, you can find it on there. And if you want
to contact me directly, the email is contact.ConorMurphy
at gmail.com. I can't promise I'll get back to
you right away, but if you send me an email, I promise I will get back to you or
a DM on Instagram. I'll always get back to you and always make time because of
(37:44):
the amount of people that have made time for me when I didn't quite either
earn it or deserve it, and how much that's changed my life. So I'll always
Amazing. Perfect. Conor, thank you so much for being here, for
sharing your wisdom, your insights, and
your expertise. It's truly been a pleasure. And also
(38:04):
importantly, thank you for your service. I could spend hours talking to
you. So maybe we'll have to do a second episode. So
And of course you can visit my website at GiaLacqua.com. Reach out to
me on Instagram at GiaLacqua. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a
review. This is Gia signing off with gratitude for your time and
(38:25):
energy. Our mic drops, but the movement continues. Until
next time, your next chapter is waiting. Take care. That
concludes another empowering episode of Your Future Starts Now.
Before we wrap up, I want to thank this incredible community of high-achieving women.
Your energy, resilience, and commitment to growth are the driving force
behind what we do. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate
(38:47):
it, leave a review, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Your
feedback fuels our mission to empower high-achieving women just like
you. And of course, share Your Future Starts Now with the extraordinary women
in your life who are also on a journey of healing and empowerment. Connect
with us on social media, share your thoughts, let us know what topics you'd like to
explore in future episodes. Stay connected on Instagram at
(39:08):
GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
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