February 7, 2025 • 29 mins
In this empowering episode, Gia welcomes esteemed psychotherapist Nicole Runyon to discuss the critical topic of children's mental health and the environmental influences shaping it.
With over 21 years of experience in child and adolescent mental health, Nicole shares her journey from traditional therapy to a revolutionary approach focused on empowering parents.
Discover the alarming effects of technology and social media on our children, as Nicole reveals how these factors contribute to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and self-harm among kids. She emphasizes the importance of understanding child development and the need for parents to reconnect with their instincts to foster independence in the next generation.
Nicole also introduces her upcoming book, Free to Fly: The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation, set to launch in May 2025. Tune in to learn practical strategies for creating a nurturing environment, the significance of boredom in childhood, and how simple, everyday activities can strengthen family bonds.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
you're a corporate powerhouse or an entrepreneur, this show is
designed for you. Your Future Starts Now is more than
(00:20):
just a podcast. It's a movement, a movement towards rewriting
the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you are exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now. I'm
your host, Gia Lacqua. I wanna thank you for tuning in. Today, I
(00:42):
am so thrilled to introduce you to Nicole Runyon. Nicole
is an esteemed psychotherapist specializing in parenting. She's
an author, keynote speaker, and renowned for her expertise in
child and adolescent mental health, backed by an extensive
21-year career in the field. Nicole is also the mother of
two children. Nicole, welcome to the show. So
(01:09):
Of course. So this is a really important topic.
We are talking today about kids, mental
health and environmental. influences.
Before we jump in, tell our listeners a
little bit about your background and kind of what led you to the work that you're doing today.
(01:29):
Yeah. So I was really,
I was 10 years old when I decided I wanted to be a child therapist.
Wow. Early on. So yeah, my story goes all the way
back And that's because I just always
really had a passion for nurturing and caring for kids. I always had
younger siblings. I'm on the older end of five kids.
(01:52):
And I just have a passion for
it. And so obviously when I graduated from school and
I started to practice, I knew I was going to see kids. And
for about 10 years, it was pretty
predictable, right? So if there was some mental illness, issues
that I was seeing, it was always going to be rooted in some kind of a trauma or
(02:14):
some issue in the family. And it was very classic and quite
clear what was in front of me and then how
to treat it. And then about 10 years in,
things started to change. And the change was I
was getting kids with severe mental health issues, which I
had experience with and was very comfortable with, with
(02:36):
no root in any trauma, anything psychosocial, intact
families, loving, caring, supportive parents. Now, mind
you, nothing was perfect, right? Like these families had
some work to do. Parents had some changes they
could have made, but nothing to warrant the level
of mental health, mental illness, really, that
(02:59):
the children were exhibiting. So at the time, nobody
was really talking about technology and its effects on children.
But that was the only thing I could really pinpoint as to why I was seeing
what I was seeing. And so I started talking about it and
I just, you know, there wasn't a lot of research. A few years later,
thankfully, Jane Twenge came up with a
(03:20):
core research that supported correlation between particularly
social media and depression and suicidal outcomes. So
that was something I could point to, hey, it's not just me saying
this, there actually is real research. But when I first started
speaking about it, nobody else was, at least nobody I
had known of. So parents were interested,
(03:42):
but not particularly motivated to do anything about it
because they were skeptical. They weren't sure that this
was really what the problem was. And then over time,
I realized, hey, you know what? It's not just the tech. It's actually
our parenting practices. I call it the culture of parenting that
are really trying to keep the kids comfortable and
(04:04):
happy and content. And
tech is really a perfect modality to do that.
So the combination of the two have become a perfect storm for our
kiddos today. And, you
know, what they really need is to go through child developmental processes
naturally. And that's hard and that's uncomfortable and
(04:26):
that can be really painful. And so I
decided to, instead of seeing kids for therapy, help
the parents. Because us parents today are really revolutionaries.
We're the first of our kind, first generation. to
be parenting under these circumstances. And we need help because
there is no precedent. There is no guide or
(04:49):
ABC 123. So I wanted to
address that and fill that gap because I felt that
seeing kids, not only was it not helping, but it was
starting to feel unethical to pathologize them, to
say they're the problem, to give them the diagnosis when
really they're just reacting to their environment. I call
(05:10):
them the canaries in the coal mine. They're trying to tell us something.
And we need to listen because their behavior, their mental health symptoms, their
downright dysfunction is information
So powerful. So many questions. Not sure where to
(05:30):
start. So what is, in your opinion,
They're trying to tell us their environment is toxic. Yeah. because
it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you know, you have kindergartners on iPads at school, being
exposed to YouTube, because, you know,
(05:53):
we think that firewalls are safe, but they're not. And
also ads can come in through apps. And we
have a lack of movement. So not only
Are we dealing with the content that they're potentially getting
exposed to while they're being unsupervised on a device? But
(06:15):
we also have to look at what they're not doing in the real world because they're
on a device, right? So they're not moving. They're not running,
jumping, skipping, climbing trees as much. And
that literally is affecting the way their bodies develop and
their brains because movement scaffolds the brain for growth.
And then if we don't have proper brain development, then we can't properly
(06:37):
have social emotional growth. So we're seeing a lot of
kids with dysregulated nervous systems. They're
acting out, their parents are
reporting to me that they're throwing and
kicking and punching and biting. Like
literally their bodies are saying, this is
(07:01):
Yeah, it's almost like overstimulation. Yeah. Yeah. And probably
too much not just overstimulation, but probably but like you said, some
of the content is probably not appropriate
for their age. And so it becomes overwhelming for them to
not only take all that information in, but then process all
of it. Absolutely. Yes. OK, so what
(07:22):
are the symptoms and the signs that you're seeing? Obviously, we're talking about
mental health, mental illness. But you mentioned dysregulated nervous
system, kind of tantrums. What else do you see as the
A lot of anxiety. That is overwhelmingly an
issue with our kids today. and ADD and
(07:44):
depression, self-harming and suicidal thoughts
Last time I looked into the research on that, it was
trending towards younger and younger kids to the suicidal ideation.
Yes, absolutely. Yes. And that is directly
(08:04):
related to their exposure to social media younger and younger. Because
actually what what's happening is they might be on,
say, YouTube kids. OK. And parents feel very comfortable with
that. They think it's safe. They're not watching. But
the algorithm feeds you what you want, right?
What you like. So if there's a
(08:27):
kid, maybe, I don't know, eight, nine, or 10, who
maybe is having a bad day. Well, our kids today, when they
have a question, or they have some way of wanting
to get information, they no longer go to parents and grandparents. you
know, trusted adults, they go online and they type it
in and they ask questions. And so if they're typing
(08:48):
in, you know, I had a bad day. whether that's into
Google or YouTube or something, then that algorithm is
gonna start feeding them videos that
talk about being sad and depressed, so
much so that some of these videos are being recommended
to kids that involve self-harm and even suicide. So
(09:10):
it's literally giving them these ideas to
get out of their depression, and this is a way to do it. Wow,
that is so scary. It really is, because what
it's designed to do is keep us on for as long as possible. Yeah.
It is not designed to keep anybody safe, even us adults. So
(09:32):
when we have an interest, whether it's a good interest
or a dangerous, you know, difficult interest
to navigate, they're going to feed it to us no matter what, because
That makes sense. So I know that in May
of 2025, you are launching a book. It's called
(09:55):
Free to Fly, The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation. And
I really want to talk to I appreciate how you set up the problem. I
think it's an important problem. It's a generational problem. You
know, as you referenced earlier that, you know, we're dealing with and
there's no path, right? That's been that's been
paved for us. I would love to know what
(10:16):
inspired you to write the book and then would love to kind of get into
Yeah. What inspired me to write the book was last
year I was listening to a podcast with, her
name is Abigail Schreier. She wrote a book called Bad Therapy. And
the subtitle was, it's bad therapy, why the kids aren't growing up. And
(10:39):
I'm listening to this interview It was Joe Rogan,
so it was three hours long. I'm on
the edge of my seat and I'm like, yeah, yeah.
I realized, oh man, I have so much to say
on this topic. What her book is about
(11:00):
is what I was saying earlier in terms of We
have to stop looking at this like it's a kid problem. Like
we have a mental illness problem with our kids
or mental health epidemic, which it's been labeled as.
It's not. And we have to stop throwing kids
into therapy to remedy it because frankly, that's not
(11:23):
working. And I was on that
side of things where I was diagnosing
and pathologizing and trying to help through
the use of mental health treatment and therapy. And
it wasn't working. And I thought to myself, you
know, I really, I'm ready to write the book. It
(11:45):
was always on my to do list, you know, like you were saying earlier. And
I realized that for three hours, I was
like, itching to just say what I want to say. And
that was March. And by April, I took
five days out of my life and I had a manuscript. Wow.
(12:07):
That's incredible. It was all there. And that
was just my motivation to say, yeah. I mean, I
think we need to hear from, she's a journalist and she did
a wonderful job with her research. She interviewed countless
psychologists and therapists. But I think from
a clinical therapist perspective, we need to hear that. And
(12:30):
That's incredible. Congratulations. Thanks. So tell
us a little bit about what are kind of the big takeaways themes from the
book? And what's your goal, really, with with publishing
The goal is, so we've heard a lot about the problems, right?
I mean, like you said, I set up the problem, we can talk about this forever. The
(12:51):
goal is to give parents a solution. for parents to feel
empowered, to feel like they have control over
this. It feels like we don't, feels like Pandora's box has been open and
it's all out chaos and what do we do? And so I want to
address that. And it actually is, I always say
it's simple, but it's hard. And
(13:12):
it's simple in the way of, you know, I make suggestions like,
put your phone down at night after work and school and
whatever, and make a meal together and
sit at the table and take
longer to eat and talk and connect. And
these are things that people aren't doing. I always
(13:35):
just think, oh, well, people are doing that, right? Because that's what we do, right?
It's the American dinner table. Who doesn't do that? But
I think, um, generationally we've really lost that. And
so it's just a lot of just getting back to the basics. And I
think parents, I call them Disney days, you know, parents think
they have to give their kids Disney days to spend time with them. And
(13:57):
it can be as simple as running errands together. Um, you
know, doing yard work because kids, when
you're, when you're calm, they're going to be calm. They, they
regulate with you. And if you're calmly doing a chore or
an activity, they're going to do it with you. And then you don't even
really have to ask them questions. They're just going to start talking to you. And
(14:17):
so it's all about getting that connection back because we've
Yeah, it's a great point. And I think, you know, compounding that
is the busy schedules of
both adults and kids, right, the relentless
demands, especially on working mothers. And
(14:38):
then you have This this need to always be on
and always be connected. So, I like what you said about
it really starts with us. Of course,
they're setting boundaries and having conversations about appropriate
usage and all of that, but. We're the 1 setting the example, right?
So if we do all that, but yet we're scrolling our phone. Nonstop
(15:01):
in front of them, right? What is the example that we're setting? So. I
think those are really powerful takeaways. And like you said, it doesn't have to be
monumental, small acts, right? Minor changes
and tweaks can make a big difference and a big shift.
Yeah. And, you know, I talk about like the beginning of
the book is all about parent self-reflection and, you
(15:24):
know, just reflecting on where you struggle in
your parenting and maybe maybe why you're using
the device to check out, right? Because it doesn't feel good when you're
struggling with something emotionally or you're triggered by your kid. And
you don't know how to kind of get yourself out of that. And then
what happens is, is the kid ends up acting
(15:46):
out what the dynamic is. And our
culture now is running towards putting the kid in therapy. And
so the parent doesn't ever really feel like they have control over
themselves or the situation. So that's the beginning part
of it. And then I go really do a deep dive into child development because
I really want parents to know what their kids need and when they
(16:08):
need it. Like, you know, a lot of people don't know that
three-year-olds should really start tying their shoes. you know, that young,
where a lot of people are doing it for their kids because it's easier. And,
oh, I got to get to, you know, A, B and C. And
I have to quick do it because I don't have time for them to work through
it. Well, it's really important that they do that. And I explain why.
(16:30):
Yeah, I think that's an important point, because, again, as as,
you know, our audience is high achieving women, we you
know, we're carrying the weight, we're doing it all. And sometimes doing
it ourselves is faster, more efficient. We
know it's going to get done. We know it's going to get done the right way. We know it's
going to get done the fastest. So I think it's the
(16:51):
reflection point is an important one, not just with the tech devices, but
recognizing when we're over functioning, recognizing our
patterns and behaviors. And just being aware,
I think, is really an important starting point for parents. So
Yeah, absolutely. And I know, you know, what you're describing as
a mother, that's exactly me. And I have my kids
(17:14):
are five years apart. So with my oldest, I did I did the
things for him. And then when I was pregnant with his sister,
I started to panic, because I thought, Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna have a baby. And
he doesn't know how to do all these things. And I need to really get him prepped for
that. But he resisted, because he was kind of
(17:34):
Yeah. So yeah, we've all we've all sort of experienced that
pushing that pull and that balance of, yeah, for
sure. That's, it's tough. I am going to play devil's advocate for
one second, Nicole, and I would love to ask you so for the people
who are listening, who are saying, yeah, that all sounds good.
Makes sense. I get it. But what
(17:54):
happens when I am in a pinch, my kids home sick
from school, and I have to be on a work call? You
know, what is what is the strategy? What
is the way forward to allow for some sort
of flexibility and balance while still ensuring that we're protecting our
Yes, absolutely. That's a great question. Because we all have
(18:16):
to survive, right? I had a week last week that
you're describing. It was I'm in Michigan. So we had two
snow days. And then, um, my daughter got
sick on the day they were supposed to go back to school. So she was home for
like a whole week on unplanned. Right. Um, and
my kids are older, so it's a little different, but, but yeah, if you have little
(18:36):
ones and you need to be on a call and they're going to
be screaming, what do you do? Right. Um, and there's
a few things. One is. This
is a process. So whatever age your kid is,
there's going to be a little bit of a transition period where you're
going to try to work with them and help them when
(18:57):
you're not in a crisis mode of how can they
spend time, you know, doing activities on their own
without you. Also, how can they
spend time being bored? Because being bored is a good thing. How
can they work through that? Because actually, when you're
(19:20):
bored, you come up with lots of creative ideas of what to do, and
you maybe could work through something hard that
you tried to do before, but you didn't feel like you had the time for. So,
I recommend working with your kids, you know, kind of foundationally in
that way so that if there is a time where you have to
say, hey, mom needs to be in a call or mom has
(19:43):
to do this, then they have sort of a go-to list
of what to do. On
the other side of it, I have recommendations in the book on
what ages I recommend and what tech I recommend for
those ages. I'm not completely living under a rock.
We're never going to have tech and it's horrible for everyone. I
(20:05):
think at certain ages, a little TV is okay. Now
we have a lot of devices that aren't
smart devices. So if kids like
to listen to stories or listen to podcasts, there's a
device called the story button. And it actually looks like a radio, kind of
like a little old school radio. and they can go
(20:27):
on there and peruse the podcasts and listen to kid-friendly podcasts.
So this is something they can do on their own if they
need to be entertained. There's also devices now that are made just
for music and have nothing else. There's
one I found, it's called the Campfire. So
these are all things that kids can do safely if
(20:50):
I love that. And I also have noticed even with my own kids
that, you know, what's old is new again. Like some
of the stuff we grew up with. My
eight year old asked for a record player for her birthday. And so
my mother was the first one to jump in and get her that record player.
And that'll keep her entertained for a while. She gets to change the
(21:11):
music and she gets to pick out, you know, the artists she wants. And
so it's empowering for her. And to your point, it's
giving her something to do to entertain herself without using
Absolutely. Yes, I love that. Yeah. And if you have if you're
somebody, I have a friend who is a saver and
didn't get rid of anything. And so she does use old tech with
(21:33):
her kids, like CD players and and all of that. And I'm
one where it's like, OK, I'm done with that. I'm getting rid of it. So I
don't have the old stuff. But yeah, the old stuff is great. And the
Yeah, for sure. For sure. And I love what you said, too, about boredom and
teaching them to be bored. I feel like I find myself saying that a lot when my You
know, my little one is saying, I'm bored. And I said, well, you know, think about
(21:55):
the alternative. Right. And so when you're complaining that
you have to do this and you have to do that, right. Like that's how we enjoy being
bored. you know, teaching them mindfulness and teaching them
to be patient and all that stuff. So I think it's, you know, those are
really important life lessons that will carry them
through for a very long time. Absolutely. Yes. I
love that. For sure. Nicole, this has been
(22:18):
so helpful. Is there, you know, what's one message or takeaway you
want parents to sort of,
I want parents to know that you
have more power than you think. actually, you are the
person for them. And your instincts
(22:39):
are going to overpower anything that
you hear from any expert, even me. So,
you know, just to know that you're enough, and
that your instincts are right. And
I think the hardest part with all this, especially the tug, is
(23:01):
everybody else is doing it. You know, what
if my kid's the only one or, you know, they're going to be ostracized and alienated
and all those things. And, um, that's why I always like to for
parents to tap into their instincts because their instincts
will tell them, yeah, that's going to be painful if they're the
only one, but that's, what's also good for
(23:22):
them. And so there's power in that. And
I always recommend parents checking in. with their instincts and
I love that because we, especially as high achieving women often lose touch with
our instincts and that gut feeling. Um, so I think that's
really powerful advice. And also who knows your kids
best. They all have their own unique strengths
(23:45):
and abilities and opportunities, you know, developmentally. And
so, um, you know, I, I would imagine it's not always a
one size fits all approach, right? Like when you think about at what age do you give a
kid a phone? I know that's a hot topic, big debate. They start asking
earlier and earlier. you know, smartphone versus not
smartphone. I'm curious as to what your take
(24:06):
Yeah, very similar to what you're saying. Like, I have age
recommendations, and I do that based on child development. But
you know, your kid, right? So if you think they
can handle a little bit earlier, if you alternatively think, actually,
I need to wait till later, then you you
have to go by that. Yeah. Yeah. So when
(24:29):
it comes to a smartphone, I mean, if
you really want to know the truth, I don't think they should have them till 18. But
I say 14 with limited apps, because the
more apps they have, the more they'll be on them. And no social media until
18. Yeah. And then even that should be regulated and
limited and have rules around and no device in your bedroom at night
(24:50):
and things like that. But again, and I say this in the book, if
that doesn't work for your family, then that's okay.
Yeah. And I think that that's helpful. I think it's helpful to have those guidelines that
are rooted in research and data. and then have the conversations around
what works for your family and based on your
(25:13):
children's abilities. So I think that's really great. We talk a
lot about success and redefining success on this show,
Nicole. So I would love to know from your perspective, how do you define success for
yourself today and how has that maybe evolved for you over
Yeah, for me, I think success is
having been able to make a paradigm shift
(25:38):
Like I said, I've known I wanted to be a therapist since I was 10. And
then a few years ago, I said, you know what? I don't want
to do therapy anymore. And that was a really weird
feeling. It took me a year to really lean
into that because I was kind of blown away. I always
said, oh, I could do this forever. I'm never going to retire. I
(26:00):
love my work. But I stopped loving it
because it didn't feel right anymore. you
know, it's interesting because in my mind, success has always been about
where you're at in your career and how much money you make and all of that. Um, but
I, you know, if I measured it based on
(26:20):
that, I'm not successful at all because this transition has been really hard.
Um, so yeah, so I look at it like I made this
change because it's what I really believe in and it's
I love what you said about the paradigm shift and that sort of
reinvention. And I, um, you know, good
(26:43):
for you for listening to that instinct. And I think it's scary. It's a
scary feeling when either we went to school or we've invested so
many years in a career. And then we get to a point where we're like, this is
not working anymore, or this is not fulfilling, or it doesn't feel right.
You know, or this is not for me, that can be very overwhelming and
very scary. And a lot of us just tend to push through those feelings and stay
(27:03):
stuck where we are. Um, so I think it's a
great example of listening to that instinct, listening
to those feelings that are coming up, getting curious with it and having
the courage to at least explore what those other opportunities could
be. Um, so I love that and how you, you embraced it
(27:26):
I want to thank you so much for being here, for sharing your insights and your expertise. Where
can our listeners learn more about you, the work that you do and purchase a copy
Yes, so my website is NicoleRunyon.com. There's
a tab on there called My Book, so you can go and pre-order it,
actually. And if you pre-order it now, you
can go back to the site and follow step two, where
(27:48):
you put your confirmation code in, and then you can download some bonus
material that I created for the book. And so you won't get the book until
Amazing. That sounds great. And of course, you can
visit my website at GiaLacqua.com. Reach out on Instagram at GiaLacqua. Don't
forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review. This is Gia signing off
with gratitude for your time and energy. Our mic drops, but the movement continues.
(28:11):
Until next time, your next chapter is waiting. That
concludes another empowering episode of Your Future Starts Now.
Before we wrap up, I wanna thank this incredible community of high-achieving women.
Your energy, resilience, and commitment to growth are the driving force
behind what we do. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate
it, leave a review, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Your
(28:34):
feedback fuels our mission to empower high-achieving women just like
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GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
(28:56):
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
Welcome to Your Future Starts Now, the go-to podcast for
extraordinary women who are ready to step into their next chapter with
authentic confidence. I'm your host, Gia Lacqua, empowerment coach,
motivational speaker, children's book author, and girl mom. Whether
you're a corporate powerhouse or an entrepreneur, this show is
designed for you. Your Future Starts Now is more than
(00:20):
just a podcast. It's a movement, a movement towards rewriting
the rules of success for high-achieving women. Are you ready
to get unstuck and step into your next chapter? If
so, you are exactly where you need to be. Your future starts
now. Welcome to Your Future Starts Now. I'm
your host, Gia Lacqua. I wanna thank you for tuning in. Today, I
(00:42):
am so thrilled to introduce you to Nicole Runyon. Nicole
is an esteemed psychotherapist specializing in parenting. She's
an author, keynote speaker, and renowned for her expertise in
child and adolescent mental health, backed by an extensive
21-year career in the field. Nicole is also the mother of
two children. Nicole, welcome to the show. So
(01:09):
Of course. So this is a really important topic.
We are talking today about kids, mental
health and environmental. influences.
Before we jump in, tell our listeners a
little bit about your background and kind of what led you to the work that you're doing today.
(01:29):
Yeah. So I was really,
I was 10 years old when I decided I wanted to be a child therapist.
Wow. Early on. So yeah, my story goes all the way
back And that's because I just always
really had a passion for nurturing and caring for kids. I always had
younger siblings. I'm on the older end of five kids.
(01:52):
And I just have a passion for
it. And so obviously when I graduated from school and
I started to practice, I knew I was going to see kids. And
for about 10 years, it was pretty
predictable, right? So if there was some mental illness, issues
that I was seeing, it was always going to be rooted in some kind of a trauma or
(02:14):
some issue in the family. And it was very classic and quite
clear what was in front of me and then how
to treat it. And then about 10 years in,
things started to change. And the change was I
was getting kids with severe mental health issues, which I
had experience with and was very comfortable with, with
(02:36):
no root in any trauma, anything psychosocial, intact
families, loving, caring, supportive parents. Now, mind
you, nothing was perfect, right? Like these families had
some work to do. Parents had some changes they
could have made, but nothing to warrant the level
of mental health, mental illness, really, that
(02:59):
the children were exhibiting. So at the time, nobody
was really talking about technology and its effects on children.
But that was the only thing I could really pinpoint as to why I was seeing
what I was seeing. And so I started talking about it and
I just, you know, there wasn't a lot of research. A few years later,
thankfully, Jane Twenge came up with a
(03:20):
core research that supported correlation between particularly
social media and depression and suicidal outcomes. So
that was something I could point to, hey, it's not just me saying
this, there actually is real research. But when I first started
speaking about it, nobody else was, at least nobody I
had known of. So parents were interested,
(03:42):
but not particularly motivated to do anything about it
because they were skeptical. They weren't sure that this
was really what the problem was. And then over time,
I realized, hey, you know what? It's not just the tech. It's actually
our parenting practices. I call it the culture of parenting that
are really trying to keep the kids comfortable and
(04:04):
happy and content. And
tech is really a perfect modality to do that.
So the combination of the two have become a perfect storm for our
kiddos today. And, you
know, what they really need is to go through child developmental processes
naturally. And that's hard and that's uncomfortable and
(04:26):
that can be really painful. And so I
decided to, instead of seeing kids for therapy, help
the parents. Because us parents today are really revolutionaries.
We're the first of our kind, first generation. to
be parenting under these circumstances. And we need help because
there is no precedent. There is no guide or
(04:49):
ABC 123. So I wanted to
address that and fill that gap because I felt that
seeing kids, not only was it not helping, but it was
starting to feel unethical to pathologize them, to
say they're the problem, to give them the diagnosis when
really they're just reacting to their environment. I call
(05:10):
them the canaries in the coal mine. They're trying to tell us something.
And we need to listen because their behavior, their mental health symptoms, their
downright dysfunction is information
So powerful. So many questions. Not sure where to
(05:30):
start. So what is, in your opinion,
They're trying to tell us their environment is toxic. Yeah. because
it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you know, you have kindergartners on iPads at school, being
exposed to YouTube, because, you know,
(05:53):
we think that firewalls are safe, but they're not. And
also ads can come in through apps. And we
have a lack of movement. So not only
Are we dealing with the content that they're potentially getting
exposed to while they're being unsupervised on a device? But
(06:15):
we also have to look at what they're not doing in the real world because they're
on a device, right? So they're not moving. They're not running,
jumping, skipping, climbing trees as much. And
that literally is affecting the way their bodies develop and
their brains because movement scaffolds the brain for growth.
And then if we don't have proper brain development, then we can't properly
(06:37):
have social emotional growth. So we're seeing a lot of
kids with dysregulated nervous systems. They're
acting out, their parents are
reporting to me that they're throwing and
kicking and punching and biting. Like
literally their bodies are saying, this is
(07:01):
Yeah, it's almost like overstimulation. Yeah. Yeah. And probably
too much not just overstimulation, but probably but like you said, some
of the content is probably not appropriate
for their age. And so it becomes overwhelming for them to
not only take all that information in, but then process all
of it. Absolutely. Yes. OK, so what
(07:22):
are the symptoms and the signs that you're seeing? Obviously, we're talking about
mental health, mental illness. But you mentioned dysregulated nervous
system, kind of tantrums. What else do you see as the
A lot of anxiety. That is overwhelmingly an
issue with our kids today. and ADD and
(07:44):
depression, self-harming and suicidal thoughts
Last time I looked into the research on that, it was
trending towards younger and younger kids to the suicidal ideation.
Yes, absolutely. Yes. And that is directly
(08:04):
related to their exposure to social media younger and younger. Because
actually what what's happening is they might be on,
say, YouTube kids. OK. And parents feel very comfortable with
that. They think it's safe. They're not watching. But
the algorithm feeds you what you want, right?
What you like. So if there's a
(08:27):
kid, maybe, I don't know, eight, nine, or 10, who
maybe is having a bad day. Well, our kids today, when they
have a question, or they have some way of wanting
to get information, they no longer go to parents and grandparents. you
know, trusted adults, they go online and they type it
in and they ask questions. And so if they're typing
(08:48):
in, you know, I had a bad day. whether that's into
Google or YouTube or something, then that algorithm is
gonna start feeding them videos that
talk about being sad and depressed, so
much so that some of these videos are being recommended
to kids that involve self-harm and even suicide. So
(09:10):
it's literally giving them these ideas to
get out of their depression, and this is a way to do it. Wow,
that is so scary. It really is, because what
it's designed to do is keep us on for as long as possible. Yeah.
It is not designed to keep anybody safe, even us adults. So
(09:32):
when we have an interest, whether it's a good interest
or a dangerous, you know, difficult interest
to navigate, they're going to feed it to us no matter what, because
That makes sense. So I know that in May
of 2025, you are launching a book. It's called
(09:55):
Free to Fly, The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation. And
I really want to talk to I appreciate how you set up the problem. I
think it's an important problem. It's a generational problem. You
know, as you referenced earlier that, you know, we're dealing with and
there's no path, right? That's been that's been
paved for us. I would love to know what
(10:16):
inspired you to write the book and then would love to kind of get into
Yeah. What inspired me to write the book was last
year I was listening to a podcast with, her
name is Abigail Schreier. She wrote a book called Bad Therapy. And
the subtitle was, it's bad therapy, why the kids aren't growing up. And
(10:39):
I'm listening to this interview It was Joe Rogan,
so it was three hours long. I'm on
the edge of my seat and I'm like, yeah, yeah.
I realized, oh man, I have so much to say
on this topic. What her book is about
(11:00):
is what I was saying earlier in terms of We
have to stop looking at this like it's a kid problem. Like
we have a mental illness problem with our kids
or mental health epidemic, which it's been labeled as.
It's not. And we have to stop throwing kids
into therapy to remedy it because frankly, that's not
(11:23):
working. And I was on that
side of things where I was diagnosing
and pathologizing and trying to help through
the use of mental health treatment and therapy. And
it wasn't working. And I thought to myself, you
know, I really, I'm ready to write the book. It
(11:45):
was always on my to do list, you know, like you were saying earlier. And
I realized that for three hours, I was
like, itching to just say what I want to say. And
that was March. And by April, I took
five days out of my life and I had a manuscript. Wow.
(12:07):
That's incredible. It was all there. And that
was just my motivation to say, yeah. I mean, I
think we need to hear from, she's a journalist and she did
a wonderful job with her research. She interviewed countless
psychologists and therapists. But I think from
a clinical therapist perspective, we need to hear that. And
(12:30):
That's incredible. Congratulations. Thanks. So tell
us a little bit about what are kind of the big takeaways themes from the
book? And what's your goal, really, with with publishing
The goal is, so we've heard a lot about the problems, right?
I mean, like you said, I set up the problem, we can talk about this forever. The
(12:51):
goal is to give parents a solution. for parents to feel
empowered, to feel like they have control over
this. It feels like we don't, feels like Pandora's box has been open and
it's all out chaos and what do we do? And so I want to
address that. And it actually is, I always say
it's simple, but it's hard. And
(13:12):
it's simple in the way of, you know, I make suggestions like,
put your phone down at night after work and school and
whatever, and make a meal together and
sit at the table and take
longer to eat and talk and connect. And
these are things that people aren't doing. I always
(13:35):
just think, oh, well, people are doing that, right? Because that's what we do, right?
It's the American dinner table. Who doesn't do that? But
I think, um, generationally we've really lost that. And
so it's just a lot of just getting back to the basics. And I
think parents, I call them Disney days, you know, parents think
they have to give their kids Disney days to spend time with them. And
(13:57):
it can be as simple as running errands together. Um, you
know, doing yard work because kids, when
you're, when you're calm, they're going to be calm. They, they
regulate with you. And if you're calmly doing a chore or
an activity, they're going to do it with you. And then you don't even
really have to ask them questions. They're just going to start talking to you. And
(14:17):
so it's all about getting that connection back because we've
Yeah, it's a great point. And I think, you know, compounding that
is the busy schedules of
both adults and kids, right, the relentless
demands, especially on working mothers. And
(14:38):
then you have This this need to always be on
and always be connected. So, I like what you said about
it really starts with us. Of course,
they're setting boundaries and having conversations about appropriate
usage and all of that, but. We're the 1 setting the example, right?
So if we do all that, but yet we're scrolling our phone. Nonstop
(15:01):
in front of them, right? What is the example that we're setting? So. I
think those are really powerful takeaways. And like you said, it doesn't have to be
monumental, small acts, right? Minor changes
and tweaks can make a big difference and a big shift.
Yeah. And, you know, I talk about like the beginning of
the book is all about parent self-reflection and, you
(15:24):
know, just reflecting on where you struggle in
your parenting and maybe maybe why you're using
the device to check out, right? Because it doesn't feel good when you're
struggling with something emotionally or you're triggered by your kid. And
you don't know how to kind of get yourself out of that. And then
what happens is, is the kid ends up acting
(15:46):
out what the dynamic is. And our
culture now is running towards putting the kid in therapy. And
so the parent doesn't ever really feel like they have control over
themselves or the situation. So that's the beginning part
of it. And then I go really do a deep dive into child development because
I really want parents to know what their kids need and when they
(16:08):
need it. Like, you know, a lot of people don't know that
three-year-olds should really start tying their shoes. you know, that young,
where a lot of people are doing it for their kids because it's easier. And,
oh, I got to get to, you know, A, B and C. And
I have to quick do it because I don't have time for them to work through
it. Well, it's really important that they do that. And I explain why.
(16:30):
Yeah, I think that's an important point, because, again, as as,
you know, our audience is high achieving women, we you
know, we're carrying the weight, we're doing it all. And sometimes doing
it ourselves is faster, more efficient. We
know it's going to get done. We know it's going to get done the right way. We know it's
going to get done the fastest. So I think it's the
(16:51):
reflection point is an important one, not just with the tech devices, but
recognizing when we're over functioning, recognizing our
patterns and behaviors. And just being aware,
I think, is really an important starting point for parents. So
Yeah, absolutely. And I know, you know, what you're describing as
a mother, that's exactly me. And I have my kids
(17:14):
are five years apart. So with my oldest, I did I did the
things for him. And then when I was pregnant with his sister,
I started to panic, because I thought, Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna have a baby. And
he doesn't know how to do all these things. And I need to really get him prepped for
that. But he resisted, because he was kind of
(17:34):
Yeah. So yeah, we've all we've all sort of experienced that
pushing that pull and that balance of, yeah, for
sure. That's, it's tough. I am going to play devil's advocate for
one second, Nicole, and I would love to ask you so for the people
who are listening, who are saying, yeah, that all sounds good.
Makes sense. I get it. But what
(17:54):
happens when I am in a pinch, my kids home sick
from school, and I have to be on a work call? You
know, what is what is the strategy? What
is the way forward to allow for some sort
of flexibility and balance while still ensuring that we're protecting our
Yes, absolutely. That's a great question. Because we all have
(18:16):
to survive, right? I had a week last week that
you're describing. It was I'm in Michigan. So we had two
snow days. And then, um, my daughter got
sick on the day they were supposed to go back to school. So she was home for
like a whole week on unplanned. Right. Um, and
my kids are older, so it's a little different, but, but yeah, if you have little
(18:36):
ones and you need to be on a call and they're going to
be screaming, what do you do? Right. Um, and there's
a few things. One is. This
is a process. So whatever age your kid is,
there's going to be a little bit of a transition period where you're
going to try to work with them and help them when
(18:57):
you're not in a crisis mode of how can they
spend time, you know, doing activities on their own
without you. Also, how can they
spend time being bored? Because being bored is a good thing. How
can they work through that? Because actually, when you're
(19:20):
bored, you come up with lots of creative ideas of what to do, and
you maybe could work through something hard that
you tried to do before, but you didn't feel like you had the time for. So,
I recommend working with your kids, you know, kind of foundationally in
that way so that if there is a time where you have to
say, hey, mom needs to be in a call or mom has
(19:43):
to do this, then they have sort of a go-to list
of what to do. On
the other side of it, I have recommendations in the book on
what ages I recommend and what tech I recommend for
those ages. I'm not completely living under a rock.
We're never going to have tech and it's horrible for everyone. I
(20:05):
think at certain ages, a little TV is okay. Now
we have a lot of devices that aren't
smart devices. So if kids like
to listen to stories or listen to podcasts, there's a
device called the story button. And it actually looks like a radio, kind of
like a little old school radio. and they can go
(20:27):
on there and peruse the podcasts and listen to kid-friendly podcasts.
So this is something they can do on their own if they
need to be entertained. There's also devices now that are made just
for music and have nothing else. There's
one I found, it's called the Campfire. So
these are all things that kids can do safely if
(20:50):
I love that. And I also have noticed even with my own kids
that, you know, what's old is new again. Like some
of the stuff we grew up with. My
eight year old asked for a record player for her birthday. And so
my mother was the first one to jump in and get her that record player.
And that'll keep her entertained for a while. She gets to change the
(21:11):
music and she gets to pick out, you know, the artists she wants. And
so it's empowering for her. And to your point, it's
giving her something to do to entertain herself without using
Absolutely. Yes, I love that. Yeah. And if you have if you're
somebody, I have a friend who is a saver and
didn't get rid of anything. And so she does use old tech with
(21:33):
her kids, like CD players and and all of that. And I'm
one where it's like, OK, I'm done with that. I'm getting rid of it. So I
don't have the old stuff. But yeah, the old stuff is great. And the
Yeah, for sure. For sure. And I love what you said, too, about boredom and
teaching them to be bored. I feel like I find myself saying that a lot when my You
know, my little one is saying, I'm bored. And I said, well, you know, think about
(21:55):
the alternative. Right. And so when you're complaining that
you have to do this and you have to do that, right. Like that's how we enjoy being
bored. you know, teaching them mindfulness and teaching them
to be patient and all that stuff. So I think it's, you know, those are
really important life lessons that will carry them
through for a very long time. Absolutely. Yes. I
love that. For sure. Nicole, this has been
(22:18):
so helpful. Is there, you know, what's one message or takeaway you
want parents to sort of,
I want parents to know that you
have more power than you think. actually, you are the
person for them. And your instincts
(22:39):
are going to overpower anything that
you hear from any expert, even me. So,
you know, just to know that you're enough, and
that your instincts are right. And
I think the hardest part with all this, especially the tug, is
(23:01):
everybody else is doing it. You know, what
if my kid's the only one or, you know, they're going to be ostracized and alienated
and all those things. And, um, that's why I always like to for
parents to tap into their instincts because their instincts
will tell them, yeah, that's going to be painful if they're the
only one, but that's, what's also good for
(23:22):
them. And so there's power in that. And
I always recommend parents checking in. with their instincts and
I love that because we, especially as high achieving women often lose touch with
our instincts and that gut feeling. Um, so I think that's
really powerful advice. And also who knows your kids
best. They all have their own unique strengths
(23:45):
and abilities and opportunities, you know, developmentally. And
so, um, you know, I, I would imagine it's not always a
one size fits all approach, right? Like when you think about at what age do you give a
kid a phone? I know that's a hot topic, big debate. They start asking
earlier and earlier. you know, smartphone versus not
smartphone. I'm curious as to what your take
(24:06):
Yeah, very similar to what you're saying. Like, I have age
recommendations, and I do that based on child development. But
you know, your kid, right? So if you think they
can handle a little bit earlier, if you alternatively think, actually,
I need to wait till later, then you you
have to go by that. Yeah. Yeah. So when
(24:29):
it comes to a smartphone, I mean, if
you really want to know the truth, I don't think they should have them till 18. But
I say 14 with limited apps, because the
more apps they have, the more they'll be on them. And no social media until
18. Yeah. And then even that should be regulated and
limited and have rules around and no device in your bedroom at night
(24:50):
and things like that. But again, and I say this in the book, if
that doesn't work for your family, then that's okay.
Yeah. And I think that that's helpful. I think it's helpful to have those guidelines that
are rooted in research and data. and then have the conversations around
what works for your family and based on your
(25:13):
children's abilities. So I think that's really great. We talk a
lot about success and redefining success on this show,
Nicole. So I would love to know from your perspective, how do you define success for
yourself today and how has that maybe evolved for you over
Yeah, for me, I think success is
having been able to make a paradigm shift
(25:38):
Like I said, I've known I wanted to be a therapist since I was 10. And
then a few years ago, I said, you know what? I don't want
to do therapy anymore. And that was a really weird
feeling. It took me a year to really lean
into that because I was kind of blown away. I always
said, oh, I could do this forever. I'm never going to retire. I
(26:00):
love my work. But I stopped loving it
because it didn't feel right anymore. you
know, it's interesting because in my mind, success has always been about
where you're at in your career and how much money you make and all of that. Um, but
I, you know, if I measured it based on
(26:20):
that, I'm not successful at all because this transition has been really hard.
Um, so yeah, so I look at it like I made this
change because it's what I really believe in and it's
I love what you said about the paradigm shift and that sort of
reinvention. And I, um, you know, good
(26:43):
for you for listening to that instinct. And I think it's scary. It's a
scary feeling when either we went to school or we've invested so
many years in a career. And then we get to a point where we're like, this is
not working anymore, or this is not fulfilling, or it doesn't feel right.
You know, or this is not for me, that can be very overwhelming and
very scary. And a lot of us just tend to push through those feelings and stay
(27:03):
stuck where we are. Um, so I think it's a
great example of listening to that instinct, listening
to those feelings that are coming up, getting curious with it and having
the courage to at least explore what those other opportunities could
be. Um, so I love that and how you, you embraced it
(27:26):
I want to thank you so much for being here, for sharing your insights and your expertise. Where
can our listeners learn more about you, the work that you do and purchase a copy
Yes, so my website is NicoleRunyon.com. There's
a tab on there called My Book, so you can go and pre-order it,
actually. And if you pre-order it now, you
can go back to the site and follow step two, where
(27:48):
you put your confirmation code in, and then you can download some bonus
material that I created for the book. And so you won't get the book until
Amazing. That sounds great. And of course, you can
visit my website at GiaLacqua.com. Reach out on Instagram at GiaLacqua. Don't
forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review. This is Gia signing off
with gratitude for your time and energy. Our mic drops, but the movement continues.
(28:11):
Until next time, your next chapter is waiting. That
concludes another empowering episode of Your Future Starts Now.
Before we wrap up, I wanna thank this incredible community of high-achieving women.
Your energy, resilience, and commitment to growth are the driving force
behind what we do. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate
it, leave a review, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Your
(28:34):
feedback fuels our mission to empower high-achieving women just like
you. And of course, share Your Future Starts Now with the extraordinary women
in your life who are also on a journey of healing and empowerment. Connect
with us on social media, share your thoughts, let us know what topics you'd like to
explore in future episodes. Stay connected on Instagram at
GiaLacqua. I encourage you to carry the energy of this conversation
(28:56):
into your day and keep on supporting the incredible women around you.
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