57 All-or-Nothing Mindset

Welcome to the "You’re Not Gonna Make It" podcast, where I discuss topics that make you feel like humanity’s not gonna make it.

This episode: Nothing, usually.

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Episode Transcript

Kevin Tejada: Gray is good. Black and white thinking is not. (00:28):
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Kevin Tejada: Your all or nothing mindset is why you're not going to make it. (00:32):
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Kevin Tejada: I actually touched on this in an earlier episode about perfectionism. (00:36):
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Kevin Tejada: They're related, but this is technically different. (00:40):
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Kevin Tejada: Essentially, the all or nothing mindset is when people think in extremes, (00:43):
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Kevin Tejada: either 100% success or 0% failure. (00:49):
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Kevin Tejada: Let's say you're trying to lose 30 pounds in seven months. (00:53):
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Kevin Tejada: Seven months hits and you've lost 28 pounds. You think, fuck, I failed. (00:58):
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Kevin Tejada: This is a complete failure. (01:05):
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Speaker2: I'm shit. (01:07):
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Kevin Tejada: That's all or nothing thinking 100%. Instead of thinking, okay, (01:09):
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Kevin Tejada: I didn't hit it, but I did pretty well. (01:13):
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Speaker2: So you take (01:15):
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Kevin Tejada: In the not so good with the good. (01:16):
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Speaker2: It's gray, like life. (01:18):
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Kevin Tejada: That sounds depressing, but you know what I mean? There's a spectrum to good (01:21):
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Kevin Tejada: and bad in life in terms of your experience and your thinking. (01:26):
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Kevin Tejada: And this comes into play a lot when people try to lose weight or get fit. (01:30):
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Kevin Tejada: They think, okay, I'm going to commit to this. (01:36):
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Kevin Tejada: And if I don't hit it, I'm a fucking failure. (01:40):
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Kevin Tejada: Setting those kinds of expectations for yourself is going to, (01:43):
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Kevin Tejada: it's almost a guarantee of failure. (01:46):
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Kevin Tejada: Now, for some people, it can be helpful saying, I must do this. (01:48):
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Kevin Tejada: It can get them going, can help build discipline. (01:53):
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Kevin Tejada: But real life makes it so that nothing can happen all the time or nothing can happen never. (01:57):
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Kevin Tejada: Which means that if your mind is still stuck in needs to be all of this or none (02:03):
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Kevin Tejada: of this, then it's going to end poorly. (02:08):
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Kevin Tejada: The main issue with all or nothing thinking is that most of the time it ends up being nothing. (02:10):
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Kevin Tejada: Let's say you want to start going to the gym and exercising. (02:16):
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Kevin Tejada: Say, okay, I'm going to start four times a week. (02:19):
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Speaker2: Cool. (02:22):
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Kevin Tejada: Shit happens you can only go three times a week fuck I'm a failure and you even (02:23):
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Kevin Tejada: if next week you continue, (02:27):
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Kevin Tejada: with the four times for that week where you do three you're gonna be thinking (02:29):
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Kevin Tejada: oh my god I'm a failure I'm a (02:33):
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Kevin Tejada: fucking loser I'm a bad person this is not really effective I missed a day, (02:34):
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Kevin Tejada: none of this is worth a damn I should maybe give up I don't know it's just it's wild. (02:39):
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Speaker1: It keeps people in a negative circle because, (02:46):
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Kevin Tejada: Or a negative cycle, because something happens that you don't want, (02:48):
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Kevin Tejada: it doesn't fit the perfect thing that you want, the all, so you feel bad about it. (02:52):
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Kevin Tejada: Feeling bad affects you in many different ways, which means maybe your performance (02:58):
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Kevin Tejada: or your adherence to whatever goal you're trying to achieve, (03:01):
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Kevin Tejada: it's not going to be 100%, again, (03:04):
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Kevin Tejada: not all, and you're just going to keep doing that until you actually hit fucking (03:06):
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Kevin Tejada: zero, for real, instead of just feeling like it. (03:11):
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Kevin Tejada: All or nothing thinking actually makes you stupider because it kind of it kind (03:14):
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Kevin Tejada: of robs you of building your mind a bit increasing your your your cognition (03:19):
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Kevin Tejada: let's say with problem solving right let's say you're playing a video game or (03:24):
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Kevin Tejada: something or a puzzle in any other context. (03:28):
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Speaker2: You're playing uncharted (03:30):
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Kevin Tejada: And you're pushing boxes around and shit right you solve two of the three rooms (03:31):
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Kevin Tejada: you're like fuck i can't do this one fuck i'm stupid i'm stupid and you just (03:36):
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Kevin Tejada: stop and you just give up you turn it into a nothing because you couldn't get (03:40):
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Kevin Tejada: the all what you could do is just, (03:45):
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Kevin Tejada: realize you're in a gray area here pause come back later or just think more (03:48):
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Kevin Tejada: whatever and then you can work at it improve your your brain's problem solving (03:52):
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Kevin Tejada: abilities instead of just thinking oh it wasn't. (03:56):
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Speaker2: Perfect it wasn't everything i'm (03:59):
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Kevin Tejada: Done goodbye your brain just learns to stop trying, (04:00):
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Kevin Tejada: If you don't get all of what you want. And this also comes into play with self-esteem. (04:06):
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Kevin Tejada: You think I'm not perfect. I'm not insert idol here. (04:11):
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Kevin Tejada: So I'm a piece of shit. Cool. I guess I'll act like a piece of shit because I am. (04:16):
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Kevin Tejada: Instead of thinking, hey, I'm better than X, but I could possibly work towards Y. (04:20):
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Kevin Tejada: Now, people who fall for this, who have this all or nothing mindset, (04:27):
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Kevin Tejada: usually perfectionists who think this needs to be perfect or it's just, (04:31):
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Kevin Tejada: I'm just not going to do it. (04:37):
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Speaker2: Imagine I had that (04:39):
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Kevin Tejada: Mindset with this, with this. If I waited for this to be perfect before putting (04:40):
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Kevin Tejada: it out, I would never, ever, ever put it out. (04:45):
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Kevin Tejada: I can't have it all. I have the perfect editing, perfect thumbnail, (04:47):
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Kevin Tejada: perfect sound quality. I can't have it. (04:51):
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Kevin Tejada: So maybe I shouldn't have put it out to begin with, right? Wrong. (04:53):
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Kevin Tejada: And if one of you guys said fucking right in that pause. (04:57):
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Speaker2: Fuck you. (04:59):
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Kevin Tejada: Even now this is still not you know it's not (05:00):
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Kevin Tejada: all or the best it could possibly be is (05:03):
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Kevin Tejada: not perfect right but i'm putting out there because i (05:06):
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Kevin Tejada: love to hear myself talk i'm kidding it's because i hope some of these words (05:09):
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Kevin Tejada: can help people out and based on some comments over the last year i have helped (05:14):
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Kevin Tejada: a couple people out which is nice but imagine i'm like if i can't have everything (05:18):
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Kevin Tejada: i want in a in a podcast put it out there i'm just not going to do. (05:22):
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Speaker2: It then i guess those (05:26):
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Kevin Tejada: People are fucked they don't get that help you don't get to have your ears graced (05:28):
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Kevin Tejada: with my voice and i'm not just talking about this shitty podcast i'm talking (05:33):
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Kevin Tejada: about in general social media life creating art, (05:37):
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Kevin Tejada: people think oh man i can't put out this edit super (05:41):
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Kevin Tejada: perfect edited picture i'm just not going to share this i guess because i have (05:44):
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Kevin Tejada: that all or nothing mindset i actually know someone who suffers from this and (05:48):
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Kevin Tejada: it's debilitating they're a musician and they have man i want to say like 20 (05:53):
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Kevin Tejada: unreleased songs because they just want to make sure it's the best it can be. (05:59):
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Kevin Tejada: It's got all the mixing, mastering perfect, all the vocal effects that they want. (06:04):
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Kevin Tejada: Make sure it's all it can be. (06:08):
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Speaker1: Because of that, nothing is released. (06:12):
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Kevin Tejada: If you're listening to this podcast, please release some of the music. (06:15):
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Kevin Tejada: It's fucking good. It's cool. (06:18):
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Speaker2: But this can affect people in that way. (06:20):
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Kevin Tejada: Like I said, if you're expecting all, you're probably going to get nothing because (06:23):
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Kevin Tejada: nothing can be all. I think I just confused myself. (06:28):
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Kevin Tejada: Things cannot be all, all the time. (06:33):
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Speaker2: I think I (06:37):
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Kevin Tejada: Just confused myself again. okay all or nothing mindset right you're expecting all probably. (06:37):
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Speaker2: Not going to happen (06:43):
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Kevin Tejada: Since the only other option is. (06:45):
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Speaker2: Nothing that's what you're (06:46):
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Kevin Tejada: Probably going to get most of the time so if you have really rigid inflexible (06:48):
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Kevin Tejada: thinking that's going to affect you too for. (06:54):
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Speaker2: Example for my (06:56):
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Kevin Tejada: Day job there's a pool there's a sauna. (06:57):
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Speaker2: Available but i was stuck for (06:59):
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Kevin Tejada: Like a year thinking no all my cardio has to be running for this exact amount (07:01):
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Kevin Tejada: of time for this exact amount of distance, (07:06):
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Kevin Tejada: that's the all of my cardio if I'm not if (07:09):
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Kevin Tejada: I'm not gonna even do that running I'm just not gonna do cardio then in that (07:11):
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Kevin Tejada: case stuck in this in that (07:14):
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Kevin Tejada: stupid mindset I was and then I just thought (07:17):
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Kevin Tejada: let me try to be flexible instead of (07:20):
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Kevin Tejada: running I swam and like (07:23):
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Kevin Tejada: that's fucking cool and still healthy I didn't die (07:26):
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Kevin Tejada: or anything it's all good nice so I'll do that (07:29):
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Kevin Tejada: the pool's unavailable then I'll do the running thing whatever be flexible it (07:32):
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Kevin Tejada: doesn't have to be all one thing or not at all and that same topic too if let's (07:37):
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Kevin Tejada: say the pool is closed the track thing was closed too by the way i work at a (07:44):
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Kevin Tejada: place that has these you know in the building too i'm not, (07:49):
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Kevin Tejada: traveling to some big ass gym. Put this stuff in it. Thankfully I work at a (07:53):
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Kevin Tejada: college, so it's all right there. (07:57):
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Speaker1: But if it were closed, (08:00):
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Kevin Tejada: This stuff, I wouldn't be like, ah, damn it, today's a fucking waste. (08:01):
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Kevin Tejada: This week sucks. I couldn't do my cardio. (08:04):
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Speaker2: I didn't think my entire week of exercise (08:06):
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Kevin Tejada: Is a complete failure. No, I'd be like, well, guess I'll do a different form tomorrow. (08:08):
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Kevin Tejada: And that's more helpful because then it actually gets done. (08:13):
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Kevin Tejada: Instead of failure, here, fuck this, then I don't get the cardio in at all. (08:17):
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Kevin Tejada: There's the nothing there. So you got to be in between all and nothing to actually (08:22):
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Kevin Tejada: make some progress in real life. (08:26):
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Kevin Tejada: Let's go to the devil's advocate here. Let me try this to make it clearer that it's not me saying this. (08:28):
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Kevin Tejada: The all or nothing mindset can help with motivation. Clear rules can keep some (08:34):
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Kevin Tejada: people on track in the short term. That's actually true. (08:38):
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Kevin Tejada: It can for some people, but for a lot of people, if they (08:43):
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Kevin Tejada: start at zero and you say all right let's start at 100 then (08:47):
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Kevin Tejada: or jump to 100 then it's gonna be it's gonna (08:50):
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Kevin Tejada: be kind of tough so this is this is a true sentence though (08:53):
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Kevin Tejada: but it's not how how it (08:56):
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Kevin Tejada: would go for everyone doesn't work that way for everyone is sympathized (08:59):
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Kevin Tejada: decisions under pressure forcing quick action or unambiguous standards i'm not (09:03):
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Kevin Tejada: sure about that i think when you're under pressure is when you need flexibility (09:09):
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Kevin Tejada: the most because if you're trying to hit an all that's 100 so if you're under (09:12):
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Kevin Tejada: pressure obviously there are some things that are not ideal that are happening, (09:16):
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Kevin Tejada: whether it's time-based, (09:20):
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Kevin Tejada: personality-based, whatever it is, something is already off a bit. (09:22):
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Kevin Tejada: So you already by default cannot hit 100%. Maybe you can hit 98%, whatever. (09:26):
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Kevin Tejada: So no, I don't think all or nothing thinking is helpful under pressure. (09:31):
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Kevin Tejada: It's probably worse, honestly. (09:35):
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Kevin Tejada: It provides black and white standards where ambiguity feels stressful or overwhelming. (09:38):
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Kevin Tejada: Maybe for some people, but I personally think having it be black and white makes (09:43):
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Kevin Tejada: it more stressful or overwhelming because there's basically, (09:46):
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Kevin Tejada: if you don't hit all, it's nothing. (09:50):
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Kevin Tejada: It's not fun. It can foster high achievement if channeled properly in structured (09:53):
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Kevin Tejada: short-term contexts, like sports. (09:58):
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Kevin Tejada: Yeah, it's the same as the first one. (10:02):
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Speaker2: The whole, it can help (10:03):
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Kevin Tejada: With motivation in the short term, maybe for some people, but I think having (10:04):
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Kevin Tejada: more flexibility so that consistency can stay high instead of just the achievement (10:10):
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Kevin Tejada: will be more helpful for that long-term prosperity. (10:14):
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Kevin Tejada: That's just me though. (10:19):
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Kevin Tejada: Anyway, black and white thinking is linked. I'll give you some numbers here, I hope. (10:20):
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Kevin Tejada: Black and white thinking is linked to a significantly higher risk in anxiety (10:25):
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Kevin Tejada: and depressive disorders because it's one of the cognitive distortions, if you've heard of that. (10:29):
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Kevin Tejada: I don't know if he coined this, but Dr. David Burns, he has a list of like 10 (10:35):
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Kevin Tejada: cognitive distortions, all or nothing thinking being one of them. (10:40):
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Kevin Tejada: That basically it's a way of thinking that's, I don't want to say wrong. (10:44):
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Kevin Tejada: I do want to say wrong, but I shouldn't. (10:49):
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Kevin Tejada: It's a way of thinking that's not helpful and it's not quite based in reality. (10:51):
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Kevin Tejada: It's more like taking a weird assumption or a little thought that you shouldn't (10:56):
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Kevin Tejada: really be thinking and running with it really far. (11:01):
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Kevin Tejada: So yeah, this can lead to people being depressed as hell because they're not thinking in reality. (11:04):
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Kevin Tejada: They're thinking in whatever the hell their thoughts are telling them, (11:10):
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Kevin Tejada: and then running with that alternate reality in their head. (11:13):
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Kevin Tejada: Approximately one in six adults experience significant cognitive distortions, (11:16):
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Kevin Tejada: including all or nothing thinking, that impact their daily function. (11:21):
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Kevin Tejada: And yeah, that makes a lot of sense. If you're thinking, oh, (11:25):
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Kevin Tejada: all or nothing, it's going to affect you every day, every hour. (11:27):
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Kevin Tejada: Studies show that up to one fourth of people who have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (11:30):
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Kevin Tejada: suffer from all or nothing thinking. (11:35):
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Kevin Tejada: Again, leading to what I was saying, or going back to what I was saying, (11:37):
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Kevin Tejada: yes, some of these things can be helpful for people. (11:41):
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Kevin Tejada: The all-or-nothing thinking for disciplinary motivation (11:43):
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Kevin Tejada: or something but to think that 98 is (11:48):
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Kevin Tejada: not good enough it's equal to zero (11:52):
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Kevin Tejada: is going to cause you some some mental anguish so (11:54):
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Kevin Tejada: it's not great and social media use has been shown to exacerbate all-or-nothing (11:58):
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Kevin Tejada: thinking because there's a million people out there some of which are fake to (12:02):
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Kevin Tejada: show you unrealistic comparisons and you just feel like a loser and all this (12:08):
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Kevin Tejada: kind of stuff it's even worse these days with ai. (12:12):
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Kevin Tejada: And uh deep fakes as well remember when deep fakes were really popular a couple years ago, (12:16):
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Kevin Tejada: now we don't say that anymore we just say ai is a catch-all for that even though (12:20):
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Kevin Tejada: it's that's kind of the same using the same way but yeah there's a lot of ai (12:23):
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Kevin Tejada: accounts i can't tell you, (12:29):
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Kevin Tejada: how many ai pictures of of people i've seen i'm like that's clearly fake people (12:31):
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Kevin Tejada: are falling for That's unfortunate. (12:38):
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Kevin Tejada: And if you're comparing yourself... (12:41):
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Kevin Tejada: If you're like all or nothing is like AI or nothing, like I can't reach that (12:45):
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Kevin Tejada: AI standard of beauty or strength or whatever the fuck, then I'm a piece of (12:49):
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Kevin Tejada: shit. People are going to be thinking like that in the future. (12:53):
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Kevin Tejada: So that'll be cool. (12:57):
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Speaker2: And by future, I mean, (12:59):
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Kevin Tejada: And you know, maybe a year from when this comes out in. (13:00):
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Speaker2: High stress or (13:04):
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Kevin Tejada: Competitive settings, the self-reported prevalence of all or nothing thinking could reach 40%. (13:04):
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Kevin Tejada: So over a third of people say that when they're stressed, they're thinking in (13:10):
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Kevin Tejada: all or nothing ways. So fuck you, devil's advocate. Logic wins. (13:14):
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Speaker2: So how do you beat this? (13:19):
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Kevin Tejada: How do you avoid this? You can remember that there's nothing that is perfect, nothing that is. (13:21):
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Speaker2: Everything it needs to (13:26):
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Kevin Tejada: Be. There's nothing that can be described as all, period. (13:27):
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Kevin Tejada: So don't even bother with that. Think about it this way. (13:32):
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Kevin Tejada: And maybe it won't be a big enough bar for you. (13:35):
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Kevin Tejada: But just think about it this way the bar is at (13:39):
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Kevin Tejada: zero anything above that is cool (13:42):
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Kevin Tejada: now don't be lazy what i'm saying is don't (13:45):
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Kevin Tejada: think anything below 100 as (13:49):
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Kevin Tejada: in 99 is dog should think anything above zero is. (13:52):
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Kevin Tejada: Cool if you want to do more than do more because if (13:55):
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Kevin Tejada: you're getting up to 99 98 percent in (13:58):
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Kevin Tejada: the all and it's it counts as a fucking nothing to you (14:02):
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Kevin Tejada: you're stressing yourself out for no reason so (14:05):
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Kevin Tejada: might as well start at nothing and then move up from there that (14:08):
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Kevin Tejada: way at least you have a sense of progress and the idea of what (14:11):
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Kevin Tejada: it takes to get where all this kind of stuff think in (14:14):
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Kevin Tejada: terms of grade think in terms of spectrums and nuance in (14:17):
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Kevin Tejada: details flexibility think in terms of that that's (14:22):
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Kevin Tejada: what you need for this life in general focus on (14:25):
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Kevin Tejada: the progress if you consistently get let's say 75 percent (14:27):
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Kevin Tejada: instead of the all that's way better (14:31):
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Kevin Tejada: than the person who hits 98 percent once and they give up (14:33):
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Kevin Tejada: because they consider it a failure and then they hit zero for a (14:36):
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Kevin Tejada: month you who's hitting 75 every single day (14:39):
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Kevin Tejada: you're gonna win statistically you will (14:42):
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Kevin Tejada: win so do that again imperfect (14:45):
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Kevin Tejada: consistency will always win over perfect consistency sometimes or perfect perfection (14:48):
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Kevin Tejada: sometimes can't have consistency sometimes can you that doesn't make sense anyway (14:56):
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Kevin Tejada: i hope you make it let me know in the comments. (15:02):
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Kevin Tejada: Do you suffer from all or nothing thinking. (15:07):
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Speaker2: You probably do so (15:10):
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Kevin Tejada: Tell me in terms of what exercise, food, work, relationships, family. (15:11):
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Speaker2: I've mostly gotten (15:16):
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Kevin Tejada: Over that to be honest if there's a part of it that doesn't hit the all it's like eh. (15:17):
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Speaker2: Whatever I'll live anyway, (15:22):
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Kevin Tejada: See you next time. (15:25):
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