Not Lara Croft on Creativity through ADHDepression

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This is you've got an hour with Adam Griffin, welcome to our first week's actual release.

(00:05):
You know, initially it was two episodes that we released an hour on our regularly scheduled
programming for what I'm calling Wine Wednesdays. And I don't mean W-I-N-E because this is not
a vineyard and until I'm sponsored, it will be W-H-I-N-E. As in, I'm whining about the fact that I don't
have a promotional deal yet. But I want to, and maybe one day I will, "Curus, are you here?

(00:30):
Miss Jenner, I'm ready to be wrapped." Okay, today we have a wonderful guest on the podcast.
This is Laura Croft herself. And no, I'm not talking Angelina Jolie. I'm talking about the game character.
Who isn't real? So this is my friend Randi. And so we're gonna play a little fun game today.

(00:54):
I've got to get my phone. Where did I put it? Oh, I might have to start over. We will. Okay,
I've already lost my... It's not literally beside of me. No, I have two phones. I'm one of those.
I'm like meant to be like a drug dealer, but without the drugs. I'm just, you know, it's not Coke,
it's just then. I literally had a teacher in school one time. She was like, "Are you on something?

(01:18):
I need you go to the principal's office because your eyes are always dilated." And I was like,
they're blue. So the people are just large. Stay tuned towards the end of the episode for a little
tangent about this right here at the Dare program. Mm-hmm, Dare I say it. Comedians have this
tight five that they do first in up. Well, I have an untite five at the very end. Enjoy. But anyway,

(01:39):
so glad to have you here today, my little Laura Crawl. You work in the video game industry. So I was like,
you know, let's just go ahead and play a video game together. Let's do it. But it's not fun to play
a video game on a podcast. So we're gonna do like guess who that little kid game? Yeah, I love that.
So pick a character on this grid. We've got like, it's all video game characters, everyone. There's

(02:01):
like Pac-Man Pikachu Mario, you name it is on this thing. So you pick a character and then I'll ask
you some questions just so we can get you to it. And then I'll pick a character. So we'll take turns.
Sounds good. All right, here we go. Okay, go. You I'm picking. No, you're picking. Yeah, you pick a
character. Are they hot? Um, you know, I think some people. Oh my god, is it Link? Is that is that

(02:24):
your bottom left? Is it Link? It is not Link. Oh my god. Oh, you can do this. Okay. Uh, great.
I just made a guess. Not everyone should be penalized for that. I should honestly. I
lost. It's not all lost. Let me get a different grid. We're gonna restart the game because I hate this.
This is not a good grid. It's terrible. Okay, take two. All right. Tell me what your favorite game is.

(02:46):
You know, I don't even know if I can answer that. You know, I go through my Minecraft. I do love you
know, I go through phases. I'm in a Minecraft phase right now. What do you play it on? I played on
PC. Okay. And PC means, uh, personal computer. Okay. Yeah, interesting. Uh, what is Minecraft
exactly? Because I've never played it. You've never played on my Minecraft. I know. Is it that wild?

(03:09):
So explain it to me. Someone that has never played it before. Okay. There are a lot of different modes.
That didn't help. So the way I play is called survival mode. Oh god. So you basically have all day
to find resources, build a shelter, make food, whatever you can do to survive the night because
that night is when all the monsters come out. Oh, and is it in real time? It's in real time.

(03:34):
Like human time. It's in. Oh, for the day night cycle. Yes. It's no. I can't remember how many minutes
the day time is. I want to say, maybe it cycles through like a cycle through. Yeah. All right. Yeah.
So you try not to get killed by giant spiders and zombies. So is this the version of Minecraft
everyone's playing or just the one you chose? You chose violence. One of the more popular versions.

(03:55):
There's versions that are more violent actually that are like PVP, which is player versus player.
So you might go into the same server and it's your team versus another team you're trying to kill
each other, sabotage each other, set up booby traps. Wow. And for those who aren't in the know,
server is not referring to a waiter. They're referring to a computer. It is a computer that is not

(04:15):
in your house that other folks are kind of connecting to. Look at the IRS. They're always playing games.
So when you do this version of Minecraft that honestly it sounds like survivor. It is. You get
voted off of an island. Do you play with other people or is it by yourself? I play sometimes by
myself and sometimes with close friends. You can choose. Yeah. You can. You can go and by yourself

(04:37):
if you want to and just you versus the you know the world environment like trying not to get killed
by lava or monsters. But you can also have friends join you and it's you as a team creating your own
fortress or fort to protect yourselves. I think I might be interested in this. Could we play this
sometime? Absolutely. Next episode we're going to start with. Oh yeah. Because I want to see you play

(04:58):
Minecraft. Actually, this is really timely because it's their 15 year anniversary. I don't care
at all about that. What does that have to what's 15? What do you do on your 15th anniversary? You get
to get there. Give me a way like a lot of free leg goodies. This is not a plug, but they're giving
you a lot of sponsors. I'm not going to anyone. I'll be Hasbro before this. I'd literally play
a game last week for this. Not like outside of this. I played a Hasbro game and I had to change all of it

(05:24):
because I was like I'm not sponsored by them. Anyway, that was a non plug. So in the Minecraft, can you
die? Oh yeah. You can die and you do die a lot. Oh, and then you just come back to where you were
like a checkpoint or you come back to wherever you last slept. I don't like what do you mean? So you
have to make a bed and the bed becomes you know your sponsor. Now what is the bed? Is it physical?

(05:46):
Like is it a bed? Like you're actually a bed. You get a pair of shears and you share the sheet for
their wool and you hack out some wood from a tree. Oh, this is ridiculous. Oh yeah, the whole game is
about crafting and making stuff. It's called a survival craft game. So it's supposed to look like a
real kind of world. Except everything's made out of blocks. Yes, it's like Lego real. It's like Legos,

(06:09):
but you combine two blocks to make a new block and that new block will maybe help you go up. I can see
why this is so popular. It's amazing. This sounds fun. I mean, I've seen like the toys and shops.
Oh yeah, I thought I was supposed to look blocky. And I've always been like, wow, that's up my alley,
but then I haven't gone further than that because I'm not sponsored. Yeah, it's a massive game. And
they even have educational versions just for kids and schools. Now what are they doing with the

(06:32):
educate? Like is it like here's these blocks put A and B together and it makes C like is it algebra?
What do you mean? Um, I you know, I've only seen a little bit of it, but I know that there's some
blocks that like represent sodium. So it says, N a on it, if you combine sodium with like TNT,
then something else happens, right? So it's all about all of that. Yeah, or I would make a
fizzy lifting drink. I don't know. I'm not in Hogwarts. Yeah, there's a lot of interesting stuff

(06:54):
you can do in there. It's really what are some other modules for this? Like if you didn't want to do
survivor, like let's say you're not a violent individual, which both of us are, but we'll pass for a
second. Um, you can go into creative mode that might be a little bit safer. Like, you know,
parents don't want their kids doing a lot of violent stuff where you just take these blocks.
You can fly around, you can build a castle out of it with the boat. You can use these blocks just

(07:14):
like Legos to make a huge dragon if you want that, you know, has huge wings out of blocks.
Isn't Minecraft a free game as well? It's it's well, the version I play is not there might be a
free version, but no, I think it's 30 or 60 bucks. I can't remember. Oh, okay. Never mind. Now I really
don't care about it. Now what did you use to play growing up? Like when did you get into video games?

(07:36):
So gosh, probably in the late 80s. So I have an older brother, five years older. Oh,
and did you look up to him? I did. Yeah. He played video games. So of course I wanted to play video games.
He always got, you know, first player that, you know, first place, first dibs. I was always the second
player. He was Mario. I was Luigi. Yeah, you were doing like the side hustle. Yeah. Exactly. Even

(07:58):
when we were playing like first player games, I said we playing a first player game. That's not
a big reason to make any sense. He would play first player games, right? Or one player games. And I
would just watch him sometimes for hours and hours and hours. Honestly, that's soothing though, because
it's like someone else is in the control seat. I totally love that. Exactly. Sometimes if I'm bored,
I'll watch like nostalgic games on YouTube. Yeah. Just that walk through. Yeah, exactly. It's fun.

(08:20):
I love it. Yeah. And then also like it's the only time I want a man to take control.
It's, you know, it's a lot less pressure, right? Like oh my god, I messed up. This is like embarrassing
everyone's watching me. But you know, that's where Twitch came from, right? Twitch is, you know,
a culture. Do you have a Twitch? I don't, but my friends do. And I support them. You know,

(08:40):
I subscribe to them. Yeah, it's, it's fun to watch them play. I do. And sometimes I chat with them.
And yeah, it's, it's fun. Oh, you're going to love my friend, Dahlia. I'm going to bring her
on because she's a twitcher. Oh, awesome. She, she doesn't have a twitch. She, what? She twitches.
She twitches. That doesn't sound right. I mean, what is it? What do you say? I guess it would be

(09:00):
twitches. Oh, I know. I actually never even thought about it. She's a twitchlet. She's a twitch
villager. She lives in the twitch. She's a twitchy. Oh, my twitchy, twitchy girl. That sounds like
something from Coraline, doesn't it? Just sound wrong. Oh, right. So let's do this. We're going to
play a different game. Let's build our own game. I've got a couple of questions here for you. Yeah.
So we're going to, we're going to start with the name of our game. Okay. And then we're going to go

(09:23):
around it in a sort of like we're going to go through the ass to get out the mouth. All right.
Um, you. I don't like that. Um, uh, mouthwash.
Scratch. Okay. So you know when you've got like your pouring name, it's like your dog and your
street name. Sure. Okay. So let's think of two random things that would equate to like a game.
I haven't thought of that part. I want to do it together. Okay. All right. So you name something

(09:46):
random. Okay. That we would both have to attribute to the first part and I'll do the second part.
So I'll just say a random word, a random thing. Random like what? Like instead of like a dog,
say, say something else that's like a kin to that. Like we would both have to name our grandmother.
Or we would both have to name like our favorite toilet. That's not right. Not that. Don't do that.
I'm. I'm. I'm in your favorite park name. That'll be the beginning.

(10:11):
Favorite park name. Okay. Let's go with. Let's go with Griffith. Oh, hello. All right.
It's adjacent to my name. So I know. I know. Okay. Griffith. You know, in third grade, I used to tell
my teachers that I was like, oh, I'm related to Andy Griffith. Did you really? Yeah. And then finally,
someone was like, that's not the same name. That's not your name. But it took a while. I was like,

(10:35):
oh, these teachers are dumb. They were probably just being nice. But I'm immediately. Okay. So for the
second part of this, what would be we've got the park? What is your contribution to this? What do you
think would be a good almost like porn name adjacent? Wait, get to this. Griffith. I want to say like
iron fist. Oh, you're just going for the name. I was going for like a category.

(10:58):
Okay. Okay. How? Griffith. Iron. This is perfect. That's it. That's the name of the game.
I jumped the step. There's no rules. There's no rules. Okay. So who is the main character in this game?
Clearly, it's Griffith. Iron fist. Oh my god. So it's literally the name of the character. Exactly.
Exactly. It's like, yeah. I love that. Okay. Cool. Now, this is your game. All right. All right. Okay.

(11:19):
Building your spurs. Sure. And then who's sort of like what's his power move? I think he had,
well, if his name is iron fist, I think maybe he used to be a dictator at some point. Oh, okay.
And he had a change like a backstory. Yeah, right. And then something happens. He has a change of heart.
Right. And now he doesn't rule with an iron fist, but he fights evil with his iron fist.

(11:44):
Literally. Is he still alive or is this a reincarnation? I think he's alive. And he has like a
cybernetic kind of thing going on. It's like in the future. And his fist is kind of like, why do I want to
love this? Right. You sold me so quickly. Yes. You're welcome. Okay. How old do you think he is in
this? I want to really get some character details. I would say like, you know what? I don't think we
have enough middle aged. I agree. I agree. I agree. A little salt and pepper. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe

(12:09):
a little like grand theft auto senior. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's what I'm feeling from this. I like it.
Take it while you. Now, what does the world look like? Does it look like our world or is it?
I think I think this is post apocalyptic Russia. Oh. So like in the future, Russia's settled.
The dust is still hovering. Yeah. And he's going around and he's like a muck, a muck, a muck. Yeah. I

(12:32):
think I think Russia gets a short respite from Putin. Respet from resputing. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
And then and then the people think things are good. Yeah. But then he comes into power and just like
basically recreates the USSR except its world domination. Okay. Him or someone else and he's

(12:55):
something. This is this is who he used to be. This is who he used to be. Okay. Okay. And then something
devastating happens. Maybe it's a heartbreak or whatever. And he gives up his his dictatorship.
But that also leaves a room. Sounds like a popular IP. Yeah. This leaves room for other evil his old
evil cronies to take the place of that dictatorship. And now he has to go back and fight everything he's

(13:18):
built. Okay. So for future module modules, I guess is the word that I'm going to talk to you talked
about already. I think that at the end of the game, he gets the ability to time travel. Oh yeah.
And so there's there's different variations of this game. Like the second game could be like in
Valhalla. Oh yeah. Love it. You know, like the third iteration could be like we're in like

(13:38):
Prince of Egypt kind of times. Sure. Sure. Maybe he saves Moses and then like Moses is now a dictator.
I don't know where Moses would go after. Let me not talk about Moses like that. But you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, sure. Go left. I don't know. I think that'd be so cool. Especially since this would be like the
deep technological future. Anything can happen, right? We don't know. We can have. And it could all be
VR. Like it doesn't have to be the world. Sure. You know what? I think that'd be awesome. If you are

(14:02):
the first person Griffith and your little VR controller, you have that's a big heavy
fist that you can like, you know, punch with your VR, you know, controller. That'd be so sick.
Do you feel like the fist is like also where the buttons live for him to do certain things?
Absolutely. Absolutely. It would be a cross between who's the purple guy with, you know, the snap.
Oh gosh, Thanos. Thanos and Robocop. Oh, okay. I was going to say Ratchet and Clank. This is

(14:27):
a short adult. I love that. Now who's the big boss that we're getting into? Who's the villains?
And then who's the boss? I think the boss are his old, you know, kind of like board of directors,
fellows. Since he's left and changed, they are still the same. So now it's this big dark,
cloaked, shrouded group, basically like New World Order, Loonati kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(14:48):
So he's basically taking down the people he put in power. Exactly. Now who is the ultimate boss at
the end of the game? Like who is that? You know what? I don't think I think it's great if we don't know.
So when the players are playing like they're trying to, what a top out as a designer. I love this.
Because there are so many possibilities and maybe we leave it a little open ended, but then at the

(15:09):
end of the game, we leave a little bit of a clue. So you want to buy the second one? Oh my gosh.
It's like a teaser. A teaser. Like you know there's something out there. Okay. But then you have to
keep buying the other expansions. You know what? I think going on based on what we've talked about
in terms of this whole like digital world. I love that we're getting so invested in something that's
not really. I mean, we're just spitballing you. I love it. I'm so interested in it. It's like

(15:30):
improper video. I love this. We should just do this all the time. It should be it. This is actually
been the last to get the other one. So you've got an hour to develop a game. I mean, I mean, people
sign me up. But literally no, some of them you can tell it's only been an hour. I know you can't
tell. I'm like, yo, should we win all the way to the bank with that? No, I'm not to disrespect you.

(15:51):
I just low hanging fruit or eggs. You know, okay. So I think the main villain could be honestly like,
it's almost like the Matrix. Yeah. Like he like takes the VR headset off and he's just like a module
in the machine. Sure. Like he's not done any of that stuff really. I love that. And he's got to
figure out who's like in the game world controlling the controls. And you know, it could maybe that's

(16:13):
something for the very end because it could be that he never time traveled at all. He never did. It
was a VR game itself. That's very what is the game that's Disney adjacent? I love them. Not final
fantasy. What's the one that's like they're in the dream world? Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I
would keep hearts. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like that. Kind of like that. Yeah. So you can get

(16:36):
away with it every episode. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. I like it. I don't have any more questions for
you, Your Honor. I'm sold. Sold. Yeah. I would sell sell this on steam.
Xbox, PlayStation, probably, you know, I think those would be good. Yeah, not switch. I don't think
it's a switch game. Yeah, I'm steamy would have the VR version and have them and the non VR. I almost

(17:00):
got a steam, but it was way too expensive. I really, I got a PS5. Did I tell you those? I did it. I see it
there. Yeah. Yeah. We have to talk about that later. That's stupid tangent. I don't want to say too
much about it because I don't want people to come here to try to steal my stuff. I would charge, by the
way, probably $35.99 for this game. Oh, that's not bad at all. No, no expansion packs. Exactly. That's

(17:20):
when we get you. That's what we'll get. Okay. Let's do it. I'm going to do it now. Let's do it. Let's
build something totally different. Let's see if the second one is good. Random one. I'm a park. Yeah.
Okay. So I'll name a park Josh. Okay. This is already starting off so poorly. Josh. Okay. No, let's
you read what? Let's do redwood. Oh, redwood. I like redwood. I like that. Oh, I know where I'm
going with this. Okay. Okay. What's the second part? What was the second part? How do we get to that?

(17:43):
You'd just say I just said a random freaking word. Okay. Redwood. Cheerio.
Cheerio. I don't know. Cheerio. So it's kind of like here's where I'm going with it. Okay. I think it's
like a little bit like Robin Hood knockoff. A Robin a knockoff or a copying other titles. That's great.
Yeah. I want like a little knockoff like $5.00 Ben Xbox game. They can't all be good. I like

(18:06):
them sometimes. You're so good. I can't compete with that. Okay. And he's like he's not like he
doesn't have the sheriff of nodding him. He's just kind of like going in here. You remember that like
goose game that was popular for? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of like that. He's like going around and
he's like he's messing up the city a little. Is he British? This is like one of these. He's definitely
British. Oh, yeah. He's talking. He's talking. He's talking about the show. The time. Yeah. He's like

(18:29):
cook. Yeah. But it's not like big van Dyke cock. Like it's like cockney. Yeah. Pip, Pip,
cheerio. Oh, my God. That's his catchphrase. I thought cheerio. Yeah. Yeah. I think that his
only actual weapon he can do is he can sling what he grabs around. He doesn't have a weapon.
Okay. And he's a human. He's totally a human. Yeah. Because I was thinking about making him.

(18:50):
We've been talking for two seconds. I was thinking I was plotting that he might be like almost
an animal in this world. Like a squirrel or something. This is really dodgy and maybe has rabies. But
like we're not sure. Okay. Do you like the animal or the human version? You mean like Robin Hood?
Like the box. Yeah. I was thinking sort of like that. But like it's definitely like a human world.

(19:14):
It's definitely like medieval times like in reality. But this character is either we can go
down this road where it's like it's the an animal in that world. Literally goose style messing
everything up. Yeah. Or which is like a knockoff of a knockoff of a knockoff. Okay. You know.
It's like Robin Hood knockoff and be sure. So I won't get sued or we could do like it's an actual

(19:37):
human and only knockoff Robin Hood. I think we should go the animal route. I kind of like the animal
route. Different. How into that? Doesn't have to be a goose. He could be whatever you want. No,
it would be a squirrel. So we have squirrel. It's right. I like this. Yeah. Because the squirrels
like swinging stuff around and like he can use its tail to flip and hit. Oh, love is it kind of like a
sonicky kind of vibe. Yeah. A little bit. Does he have a weakness? Oh, so many. I have to

(20:00):
figure out what the weakness is. I think there's anytime there's maybe there's food around. Okay.
Like you have to keep him well fed. Okay. Makes it a lot of nuts. You'll add a nuts or he'll go nuts.
Or he'll go nuts. And then you can't control him. You like lose control of his abilities. He gets
squirrely. He gets squirrely. And he's not cheerio. Exactly. Maybe that's one of his moves is the
whirlie squirrely. Oh my gosh. Now what would that look like? He's spinning his tail and he's

(20:24):
whacking everything like a mace, like a morning star. Yes. Yes. But like everyone like when he's
doing that and he's so spastic about it sounds like me in the morning. But when he's so spastic
like that people can catch him. Oh yeah. And then he's like in like the red wood jail for a certain
amount of time. Okay. So who are the bad guys in this world? I think he technically is the bad guy.

(20:46):
Oh. And everyone else is just going about their day. Okay. But in his mind he's like I'm stealing from
you know these these havealls and I'm going to give it to the people in the forest. Like I'm
going to give it to the other squirrels and birds. Are these like picnickers? The park. He's
stealing from you. No they're in their homes. They're in their homes. They're in a total village. Like
it's taking place in one castle arena. Gotcha. And and all the villagers within in the farm. And then

(21:10):
he has to like take things back to the forest. And there's like little trails. And I like this. Isn't that
cute? It's like it's sort of sweet but also like sort of dodgy. I like that. You know like a rogue.
Yeah. I don't think there's there's never like death. There's never I mean maybe black plague
could come into maybe that'll be an expansion pack. Yeah. Because I just got the hog warts legacy

(21:31):
thing. I said I wasn't going to talk about this but here we go. First of all I created a boyfriend
on this thing and I'm going to show you because I'm obsessed. I can't wait to see him. I don't
understand these new games where it's like open world and you create every aspect of it. Like your
character you can make the complexion and the freckles and the small ones. Yeah you don't like that?
No I'm overwhelmed by it. It's so wonderful. Oh it's so wonderful. Yeah there's too much control

(21:54):
in my hands. I like less. You know it might help if you figure it and remind who the character is first.
Oh that would be way helpful. And then when you go in you just have to make the person that's in your mind.
So when you do an open world concept is that how you approach it? No but that's something you could do.
Well what's your tactic? Because that's what I want to know. You know what when I'm making characters
I very commonly make the same person in every game. I've been doing this probably for like 20 years.

(22:20):
I have a specific person. I like consistency. I know what she looks like. I know what she acts like.
I know how she behaves and in any game where I can make a character I almost always at least have
one character that is this person. I like that go to honestly though because not only because of
consistency but it also sort of it makes it because if it's a lead character in a game theoretically

(22:41):
they're a hero. Exactly. And they need to be sort of the same brand of hero. Exactly. I like that.
I made my own multiverse so to speak. You did. It's like an alter ego and whatever I'm playing.
There she is. She looks like you. Not at all. Yeah I don't understand. If you if you started one of
these and you literally made a copy of yourself I'm like that is like a that's narcissism. Probably.

(23:02):
I want to play a game and escape. Exactly. There's yeah I made a sim that looks like me. I'm like I do not
want to play that person. No and if they really got hurt I'd be really offended. I know. But then if
they don't look like me I'm like you'll do better next time. Exactly. No I feel like I beat myself up.
Exactly. Okay so let's finish my game. Okay let's do this. Let's do this. I think it's a PC game. I
don't think it really is on everything honestly. I think it's like the duck game I'm patterning

(23:27):
after them. Like and then if it does well we'll put in another platforms. I like it. Or it would
specifically go to switch. Okay. How would you charge for this? I think this is like a 29. Okay.
Probably goes into the $15 bill quickly because it's like half off. Gonna have to do a single. You said
bins earlier. Yeah I mean it's we're ready for the bins but we're gonna hope we get the bin

(23:51):
gemens. Oh heck yeah. We're half a Benjamin because it's not. Or just a bit. Or just a bit.
Yeah. Oh I love that. Oh my god that's so fun and now we have money left overdue. So what are your
expansions though? Because you talked about that. Okay so my expansion so like I said we don't find
out about like what's really going on to later later. So I think each expansion is like you said

(24:13):
a different time period where he's going up against like these big evil forces. He's going up
against dictatorships throughout time. So you're giving a legacy game where it's like you only have to buy
one time and you can keep adding on to it. You keep adding on to it. Oh I like that. The world is
just expanding. Exactly. And of course it always ends on a cliffhanger. That's what's gotta be linear.
Very this is us of you vibes. Yeah. I don't know any other games. I don't know if that does that

(24:37):
at all actually. Oh neither. Okay well great. We're just gonna say yeah go us. Yeah I don't think
mine's gonna have expansion packs. As I first of all I don't have confidence that it's gonna be
very popular. And second of all I think if it had a sequel it would have to be like another animal
in another time. You know what you could do to make it maybe a little more marketable. What?
Is that if you made it multiplayer. Oh it's gonna have to be multiplayer right? Like there could be other

(25:02):
other little other squirrels. Exactly. You have it like your own little gang that you've started. Yes.
Have your own gang colors. But not like you know street gangs. But this is like. Red yellow blue
green. Yeah exactly exactly. In the red woods it's like there's the green red woods. There's the blue
red woods. Yeah. Yeah I think it's like that. You could even have an enemy group that's like the big bad

(25:22):
and oh. And they're also stealing but for the wrong reason. Yeah the raccoons. The rac- oh
the bandits. Yeah they're like the sheriff of nodding ham in that fashionable storyline. Yeah.
Like they've got their own yeah they've got a hierarchy within the whole. There's corruption. I
like the corruption thing obviously. Oh yeah we love corruption. How you did an corruption and like
like a like a woods. How would it you? I would. Knock knock knock. No really but really how.

(25:49):
How would we do corruption? I don't know it would be interesting maybe. Oh you know what I think maybe
a good comparison would be like in Bugs Life with the crickets over the ants. Okay yeah. It's like the
raccoons over the squirrels. Yeah. So they don't really care about the humans that might. Sure. But
the oh like if you really want to do like a boss level you can do the easy version where you don't
have the boss so you don't interact with them but the harder level could be like you have to really

(26:12):
get rid of the raccoons. Yeah. Stop the hierarchy. Yeah. And like run them out of your forest. I like
this. So maybe at some point if you play the harder level. Oh now we've got an expansion pack.
Ooh there you go. You're stealing like you're stealing weapons. You're stealing like butter knives.
Yeah needles. You what's getting needles. Needles. Needles. Needles. You know like they got a
sew. I don't know. What other weapons would there be for squirrel size? Yeah. Yeah. It could be like

(26:37):
all sorts of materials that they need to like maintain their you know their place in society.
Okay. I'm going to wrap out with this. Is there ever been a book that you feel like should be a game
and isn't one? That is such a good question. You know I don't know. I haven't read a book in a hot
minute. Yeah. Who reads? I'll start a book and it's hard to finish. Great. We'll end on that note.
I think we've peaked early here. I mean who reads? I'm a writer. Wow my career really is dying.

(27:02):
Can't wait for AI to replace me. Anyway let's not focus on that. Here's some wise words from my mother.
Hi everyone. This is Linda Lafei and I've always got something to say. Tadai's topic is loud. Music.
Did you know that once you damage your hearing is gone? Do you realize that a hearing aid never
restores your hearing to its original state? It just can't do it? And frankly I'm really not

(27:25):
interested in hearing your music. That thump and vibrating. That bass drum, whatever it is. That noise
you got going on over there in your vehicle. Are you aware that you're that loud and disruptive?
Have you damaged your hearing so badly that you now have to feel your music because you cannot hear it?
There is nothing good about that. Do you know what I love? Dancing in the car. Singing out loud.

(27:49):
You know you probably do it too. If you haven't you should just give it a little try. Maybe you don't
have good rhythm but just rock it on out on that steering wheel. That you're holding. Yes with two hands
at 11 in two o'clock. Tap those thumbs. Tap that left foot. Wiggle those toes. When that good song comes
on. See I'm not against music. I love music. It speaks to me and it speaks to my spiritual health.

(28:11):
Am I playing it loudly in my car or at the beach while I'm trying to relax? The answer is no. Enjoy your
music. But do not act the fool with me and so loud. You're welcome.
And because why not? Let's hear a few words and I do mean very few. This is my father.

(28:34):
My father does talk a lot. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. But he's a smart
Alec. Might be where I get it from. Here he is. Here's my dad. Hey Adam, this dad, I win.
As in he wins and hanging up first. That's a literal game that my dad and I play with each other
one more on the phone. You should try it with your parents. It's a fun game. Okay, back to the program.

(28:57):
Oh my god. I'm sorry. Yes you are. No, not like that.
Okay, this is something that I'm making every guest do. Can you tell me what is a kind of noise
that comes to your mind and it's on the spot. It doesn't have to be pre-planed. That's why I'm
telling you while the microphone is on that when you're trying to get out of a conversation,
you're trying to back out of a conversation. What is the noise that plays in your head?

(29:20):
Wait, that's that's the NBC. Wait, that was amazing though. No one would know. That's amazing.
Do it again, do it again. That's amazing. That's how you hang up. That's like you're in. I'm back
and out. That's the first thing that just came to my head now. I like that. It sounds almost like
an elevator going out. I'd reach the top floor. That's the first thing that came to my mind.

(29:42):
I don't know. I love that. That's amazing. I love it when it's unfiltered because then you get the
real response. Yeah. And it's like, I don't even know if that's true. I mean, I just, yeah. Who knows?
It's the first thing that came to mind. Why not? No one's going to hold you to it. They're not
just five years. They're like, hey, what's the noise you're hearing right now? And you're like,
nothing. And they're like, great. You don't want to back out of this. Yeah. So we're going to have a

(30:03):
serious conversation. Sure. It's suddenly our demeanor change. I'm really proud of you because
being your friend, I know that you've been through some things emotionally and mentally and so
if I think we're in a really good space. It's nice to be in a friendship where we're both in the
same space. It doesn't always have to go that way. But I want to celebrate you in this moment because

(30:24):
you are right now. I know personally doing mentally really well. What do you feel like has changed
for you to be in this place that you're in? What has changed for me recently? That the
bra has brought on because from where you were to where you are now. What are the factors that are

(30:44):
different? So this is tricky because I feel like if I am too prescriptive, I'm like, this is what I
did. Step one, step two, step three, then folks might think, well, if I do step one, step two,
step three, that'll work for me. But I know that's not the case because it's different for every individual.
Every single person. You can only speak for yourself. I think it was a combination of a couple
things. So I'm 40 now and a few years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't know my whole life.

(31:10):
I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. Like, am I stupid? How can I get this in school?
I think that's so smart. Thank you. I don't know about that. Well, I mean, I really are. Thank you.
But I really thought like maybe there's something wrong with me. And I think I carried that chip
on my shoulder for a long, long time. So I think finding out that I have ADHD, like, no, it's just like

(31:33):
I have processed information differently. It was in a way, but honestly, I didn't even really
take any action on it for like over a year because I didn't know what to do with that information.
Like, do I start taking like medication now? That's not school. Well, that's simple of ADHD too. It's like,
it's like, well, now I'm going to procrastinate on this. Exactly. Exactly. But it helped me understand,

(31:54):
like retrospectively, oh, this is what has harmed some of my relationships because maybe I would
cut them off too much, right? Or maybe I'm not focusing on really important things that were going
on their lives because my mind was like bouncing off to like so many different places. So learning
how to understand my physical brain, I think has helped me be a little bit more forgiving of myself.
And it gives me a little bit of more context on why certain things didn't work out for me.

(32:19):
Some of my big dreams I wish I could have done, but you know, life took me another way because I couldn't
focus or concentrate on those endeavors. I think, I think it allowed me to have some more
grace for myself. So that's one aspect. I also found my life partner, you know, last several years and
realizing that, you know, when people say you should marry your best friend, like, yeah, your partner

(32:42):
should be your best friend. It's not just someone who really got attracted to or you'd, you know,
have great conversations with, but yeah, that's conversations are great, like casual, light-hearted
conversations about like, oh, what are you up to? What have you been working on? But like really
deep conversations that connect your soul. You're someone that's had a lot of relationship almost.
Yeah, yeah. So tell me with this one, what's the difference? What's the change there for you to

(33:03):
feel like this is the person? I think what makes this situation different is that I don't feel like
I have to wear a mask all the time. And, you know, my partner is autistic and actually,
when he got his diagnosis is when I got my diagnosis. So much later than you would hope to have that

(33:25):
information so you can build an adult lifestyle with those tools? Absolutely. And actually, you know,
in dating him for several years, I kind of thought, you know, he might be he might be autistic. And when
I mentioned to him, he didn't know. So he went and got diagnosed. And he in turn let me know, like, you know,
you have like probably ADHD, right? You have definitely the quality of that. Wow, you two have been a

(33:49):
condominant of a mirror for exactly. And so we both got diagnosed like I think in the same year.
And so we've actually have learned how to get to along with each other better because I understand
things that, you know, might be triggering for him or difficult for him. I think when you have a
deeper understanding of your brain and the brains around you, you just become a much more forgiving

(34:10):
person. And I think that lets you like enjoy life a little more, have a little bit more faith in people.
It's hard to know who you are as a person if you can't hold that information about yourself. Like,
who am I fully to that extent? I think for you to have that dynamic going on in your relationship,
if nothing ever else had come of it, what a gift that alone is. Yeah. And I think, you know,

(34:34):
working on self confidence and being brave enough to shed unhealthy friendships, that's a huge load.
I mean, I don't think people are even aware, like when you're in a period of your life,
and sometimes this could be lifelong friends, right? And it's hard to like cut that tie. But if they're
you know constantly taking or not giving you like their respect and fairness and love that you give

(35:00):
them, that can take a massive toll in every aspect of your life. Yeah. If someone's absorbing more
than you are curating, kinetically together, that is going to take up so much energy at time.
So really, I guess it comes down to me being a little older, maybe caring less about certain things

(35:21):
in a good way. And then spending more of my mental energy focusing on like, who am I? Who do I want to be?
Who have I been? And leaving some things behind me? And I'm not there 100% I'm still working,
I still have a therapist. But I think that's really really improved my life. Finding real friendships

(35:42):
who want nothing from me, just want to enjoy my presence and vice versa. It's not transactional in
any way. I think that has really improved my life. And of course, like I did do like the Adderall
thing off and on. I think that helped too. How long did you do that for? So it only started a few

(36:03):
months ago. I did it for a few weeks and then there was a big shortage like everywhere. It's still going
on in some places. That in baby food. What are you going to do? I know, I know exactly. And now I'm back on it.
The baby food? Yeah, back on baby food. Amazing. It's called Adderall. You look healthy. And Geryl.
Thank you. 40 years young. But that was my first time experiencing this is what a normal person is like.

(36:29):
Adderall taken by a neurotypical, someone who doesn't have ADHD or whatever. It's like a drug that you
can get high off of. It's easy to abuse. But for someone who has ADHD, it just mellows you out to a
point where you're not just frenetically anxious and not being able to focus. So I've been able to
experience what it's like to be able to accomplish a task, accomplish a goal. And now I feel like,

(36:50):
and this is not a plug. They're like, "Though, take your medication." Everyone has something that
helps them, right? No, but if medication does work for people I like to hear the
ad vacation of that because so many people are apprehensive about taking meds. Sure.
I mean, personally, I'm on lexapro and it's made a night and day difference for my own anxiety.
So it's not preaching. It's totally advocating for yourself in a good way. This is what works for me.

(37:13):
And my work for others. And here's the thing. Just because you decide to go on something,
doesn't need to stay on it. If you don't like the way it makes you feel, if it's impacting your life
in a way that isn't good for you, talk to your doctor and get off it. But for me, I've noticed that,
you know what, for the first in my life, I feel like I can actually accomplish the creative goals
you were talking about. Things I've always wanted to do as a kid or as a college student that I thought,

(37:39):
you know, I just can't be organized or put together enough to make it happen. And now I feel like,
you know what, I think I have a shot and just that hope having any kind of hope I think has helped
pull me out of where I was. That was a huge moment. Thank you. It is a huge moment. And you know, I
I've had depression basically my whole life. I think I started realizing that I'm a little bit

(38:04):
different when it comes to like my mood, even like in elementary school, like age four, age five.
That's when you feel like you earliest remember? Yeah, that's when I think my depression started and then
age five-ish to age 40-ish. That's a long time to have consistent depression. So I couldn't even

(38:24):
imagine life not feeling that all the time. And it's hard for other people to understand
how someone could be sad for that long. When so many times I'm laughing and having a good time,
it's like well, Randi's such a bubbly person or a goofy person. They can't.
It's a mask sometimes. Exactly. It is. And like honestly, we can't just be like a grumpy,

(38:45):
dumpy person all the time. Like there are things that, you know, bring a depressive person joy.
But it's just that there's just so much more going on that we don't see. And um, anyways, yeah,
I hope that my current state of mind sticks. I hope that I can see my creative endeavors through.
I really hope so. And even if I have a relapse and I, you know, if the severe depression comes back,

(39:11):
at least I know I was able to get out of it. And it doesn't have to be forever because it's,
I have actual proof that you can get through it. Am I hearing that this is kind of the first time
you feel like you have crawled out of that? This is my first time truly feeling like I have found

(39:33):
a way through depression in a way that's not just like a temporary band-aid fix. Wow.
That's such a big moment. I don't want to skip past that. I want to really resonate with that for a
second because that is such a, that's such a joyful place to witness as your friend. Mm-hmm.
And I'm so sorry that it's been like that for so long. But what a celebration it is that you've been

(39:54):
able to find it. Thank you. Wow. Randi! So tell me, what is it that you want to creatively focus on right
now? There's a couple of things I want to do. There are a few games I've always wanted to make. As you
know, I, I couldn't quote, make games in the industry, but like I'm not the creative driving force behind

(40:15):
it. And I would love to have that opportunity to make something that's my own. There's books I want to
write. There's paintings I want to paint. And, you know, I have oil paints that I've just been sitting
there, never been used for years. And now I feel like, you know, I think I can crack it open. I think I can,
I have the emotional energy to make a painting. A small one even, right? And I started. I started like

(40:44):
just, you know, getting little cheap canvases from Michaels and doing something small. I did a painting
for a family member who was going through a tough time. So I actually used AI to help me do the
concept work. That's amazing. So I had an idea in my mind, but I had no reference images because it
wasn't based on reality. So it was kind of a fantastical scene. So I described it, you know, in AI.

(41:07):
And they gave me a couple of options like, no, I'm not like this change this change that. And then it
gave me like this kind of out of this world image. I'm like, that's, that's I'm going for. I used it as
yeah, as a reference art. And it's like I'm selling, you know, my painting. No, but it's no different
than if somebody had a physical ball in front of it to use as the reference. Exactly. Exactly. And

(41:30):
since there's no way it can, you know, be on Mars with three moons and floating blob aliens and
stuff like, you know, four inch by six. All of that in a four by six. I did. It took a long time with
very small paint brushes. But yeah, I did. And I don't know if it's any good, but I did it.
Who cares if it's good good is like so subjective. Yeah, subjective. Thank you. I can think of the words.

(41:50):
It was from the heart. That's what matters. Yeah. And so now I feel like I can do more. And you think
yourself out there. I did. I am good. Continue to do that. I mean, that's a lot of things that you
want to work on a lot of things. It's amazing that you are now putting that foot forward
in the way that you are. Yeah. I think the next step is prioritizing those things, right? Because

(42:11):
I don't want to tell you that. I mean, it's like decades worth of stuff that I always wanted to do.
Of course, it's going to get backed up and you're going to pile on more as you're waiting for that
door to open. And then when it opens, it's like you don't want to be a floodgates. Yeah, exactly.
It's like, let's let's still taper the water and dammit. Exactly. That is manageable. And the good

(42:32):
thing about having like real friends in my life is that they can be honest with me and tell me,
you know what, that's a big bite to take. Why don't you try scaling back and do this little other thing
and see how it feels. That's what really makes it even better. It's not just that I can create stuff,
but I'm like sharing the creative process with my friends. Me and you doing that little game ideation

(42:55):
was like so much fun. I finally can do more of those things. Your confidence is a lot higher than
I've ever seen it and it's so fun to watch. I'm trying, I know I'm still growing. I, you know, I think
I always thought that when you're 40, like that's it. You're grown up. You're like, you're old.
That's who you are forever. It's not the case. That's such a societal pressure and that's so sad that

(43:16):
people would even have that idea. Yeah, exactly. Have you heard of fixed mindset? Tell me more. So,
people who are fixed mindset think things are. They're always going to be that way. You've met these
people. It's really hard to get them to to budge. The opposite way of thinking is, you know what?

(43:37):
Nothing is permanent. Okay, death in taxes. Okay, maybe that's okay. But in terms of where you are
or is there a solution, just knowing that the possibilities of there being improvement
are greater than what you probably think immediately and staying flexible with yourself.
I think gives you a lot more freedom to make different kinds of failures that aren't going to

(44:02):
basically put you in the grave. Like, it's over. I tried. Love doesn't work for me. Marriage doesn't work
for me. Working in this industry doesn't work for me because I failed. If you stay like that,
like that's just what happens. Case closed. It's black. It's white. Whatever. Yeah, you're probably
going to be a more depressed person. And so if you're more flexible and you're like, you know, I messed

(44:23):
up here, but you know what? Maybe there's something I can do and you really try to problem solve through
it and allow yourself to go, you know what? Maybe the solution isn't what I thought it was. Maybe the
thing that I really don't want to try is actually the thing I have to do. And then convincing yourself
that it's okay to do something you don't like that makes you uncomfortable. If there is a chance,

(44:49):
if there's even a remote chance that is going to fix whatever is, you know, getting you down.
And it could be for a practical solution. This, you know, we do this kind of, you know, discussion
in video games where we're talking about engineering work or production work or artwork being stuck
in one spot and being really rigid and saying there's no other way of doing things. It's got to be

(45:09):
this way or nothing at all. That's when the world will leave you behind. And you'll leave yourself
behind. I know that sounds really hokey, but it's true. It doesn't sound hokey at all. Yeah, I think
change isn't always good, but I think being open to change is better than being stuck. Well, that's the
key to creativity at all. Yeah, exactly. And you have to be bold enough to fail because you're not going

(45:33):
to grow if you don't. Absolutely. And you know, a lot of like severe depression for at least for me
has been around things where I felt like there was no hope where the things I wanted to have, you know,
happen or exist in my life didn't have a path. It was just like a distant island and there's no,
such as what? A variety of things, you know, like finding a life partner, it felt like an unreachable

(45:58):
island because I had so many failed, you know, attempts at romantic relationships, but I think,
especially now that I have met someone who I truly believe is my soulmate. The hope has been fulfilled,
but even as we were becoming friends and then when we were dating, like I felt like if I can have

(46:22):
a connection with another person that's this deep, then maybe there is a future where I can really
share my life with someone and maybe it's this person and it was and it is, you know, so. Yeah, when's
the wedding? So we've been moving that around a lot of different times because of, you know, life
things like. Yeah, because I haven't gotten my invite yet. We don't have a look at you. Not to call you out.

(46:43):
Well, it's happening in the next couple of years. We had some setbacks, you know, our home was
destroyed and there were some layoffs and blah, blah, blah. Oh, whatever. These are excuses. Now I'm
going to be really good at it. We will be getting married. I'm totally good. In a castle in Sweden. Oh my
gosh, right in the redwoods. Maybe there's going to be a squirrel rog there. I just totally took us on

(47:05):
a tangent. I'm so sorry. That's so fine. Yeah, but what are some other examples aside from, you know,
finding a life partner? What are some other roadblocks you felt you've experienced? Some other roadblocks.
You know, even in my career, like, you know, when I first started off in games, I was literally in
a basement testing games for minimum wage and dreaming of being able to contribute more in other ways.

(47:30):
Didn't think I could do it. And like I said, now I'm working with friends on the side and
there's hangups there and like issues there trying to get your own project off the ground. But at
least I'm trying. You're definitely trying. Yeah. And you know, I've been doing that for the past
couple of years. Aside from this side hustle thing that you've got going on, we've talked about

(47:50):
several elements that you're excited about. Do you want to kind of like think through in our
friendship time? Is there anything I can do to help you sort of prioritize where you think you
want to gravitate towards first? I think us checking in with each other on like how are you doing with
your creative thing? Yeah. Not to like create guilt. There's no expectation, right? But like, hey,

(48:11):
have you been able to like do a few things? Like show me what you're working on and being able to
share my joy. Like, hey, like this is just like a rough idea. But this is what I've been thinking
about. What do you think about it? You know, I think that's fun. I love that. And then getting your
friends input and are there other games you're thinking about so many. I'm literally working on a
pitch deck for my partner with seven different ideas right now. Oh my goodness. Yeah. And that's

(48:38):
that's kind of what I was talking about when it comes to like achievable dreams. I was really hard on
myself when I had to put my main project, my main side project on hold because I was like, oh man,
does this mean I can't make games on the side? Like, does this mean I can't be a creative in my own way
when it comes to like the game space? The answer is no. I had an honest talk from a friend is that

(49:00):
you need to start smaller Andy. Something that you can do with a very small group of people, maybe two
people, three people, make that. You're being creative, right? And that's what I'm doing. So I the
seven game, I do the little tiny games so that I don't have to feel so bad about myself that this
huge project that I dreamed up for so many years, you know, isn't happening right now. I felt like

(49:24):
a huge failure. Like, why couldn't I rally the troops and get this thing going? But you know,
it's sometimes the timing's just not right. Sometimes you have to do the little things and build up to
the other things. It can only bring yourself to the table. And when you have other people working
on it, it's like sometimes that's difficult. I'm not speaking to whatever your circumstances with
that. But yeah, it's definitely you have to figure out what can I bring to the table. And if this is

(49:45):
not the one that can be achieved by myself right now, you got to reroute exactly exactly. And that's
that's the kind of mindset I'm talking about. I could have just said, well, I tried to do my own
indie game on the side. It didn't work. It's never going to work. I'm going to give up and dust my
hands off. And well, I mean, seven other games as wild. That's amazing. So and I it's just as you

(50:07):
got to keep trying, you have to believe that there is value in the attempt. Do you feel that
because you've put your foot out on that first thing, now you have at least the confidence that you can
do other avenues with it. I do because you know, I think mistakes were made in my first attempt.
And they were hard for me to accept at first. Like, what did it what went wrong? But really,

(50:32):
I kind of knew what went wrong. And we weren't ready to be honest. I wasn't ready to be honest.
It was a it was the wrong kind of hope, right? Like I said that you need hope to like get out of
depression. But sometimes we also have to be honest with ourselves with that hope, right? Is that
hope like so astronomically out of reach that you're kind of setting yourself up for failure? Or do you

(50:58):
have that out of reach goal, but with contingency plans and fallback plans and basically are you
diversifying where you're investing your heart? And if you say I'm going to reach for the for this
far out goal, that's okay. But like if it doesn't work out, what are you going to do next? Are you going to
be depressed and bad for weeks? Are you going to give up forever and throw it away and never, you know,

(51:21):
talk to the people who you blame? Or are you going to be introspective and say, okay, how could I have
done things differently? What will I do next time? And try again. And then if it doesn't, it doesn't
work out, you try again. You just keep recalibrating, staying flexible and being honest with yourself.

(51:42):
I think if you do that, you're basically creating that hope, right? You're negotiating with yourself
in a way that's practical enough where maybe you can finally find that right scope of like, you know
what? This is what's achievable. I really think given where I am right now with the resources I
have right now, I think I can do this. And I think if you're gentle with yourself on like what you

(52:07):
might consider a failure, I think the process will be really enjoyable regardless of the outcome.
This is such a different Randi than I've known before. I have very little to say because it's so,
you're your own best cheerleader, which is what I always hope my friends will do for themselves.
Yet then to the day you go to bed with yourself. Sure. You have to be your own best advocate,

(52:28):
your own best cheerleader rather than your own worst critic. And you're doing that right now.
Trying to, trying to. Thank you. And here's the thing. Like I said, there's no like silver bullet
for depression or no silver bullet that's going to suddenly give you the creative rush that you've
been doing. Silver bullet. Or silver bullet was that the, oh no, like there's no like full of sugar.

(52:50):
I don't know. I'm like a bullet. Oh lord. Violence. But you know, you've got to keep trying to
find the things that are going to pull you out. And sometimes you'll find that the thing that you
tried before was the right solution, but at the wrong time. Let's get into it then because I'd
like to know exactly what it is that is medication is one of them. Yes. So medication. Yeah.

(53:16):
For a while, I was like, you taking whatever the doctor prescribed wasn't working well. I guess those
things just don't work on me. Then no, sometimes you got to change it up. Sometimes it's like the dosage.
Sometimes it's the brand. Sometimes it's the other things that you're doing or not doing in combination.
It's always combination. It's always a combination. That's what has made the biggest change in my life.

(53:36):
I feel like not only just putting yourself out there socially, but also just physically getting
outside of your house. Oh man, that's a huge one. That was my first step. I think for a, was,
especially after COVID was like, you have to take literal baby steps outside of the house.
Yeah. I'm still like, you know, as a video game developer who works from home, I'm always home.

(53:56):
And sometimes I have to like, really like, rally to like, you need to get some fresh air.
I really don't want to. I'm comfortable in my gaming chair with my snacks around me and my
Minecraft in front of me. But I do have to like, get out there because I really believe that
the environment you're in and, you know, this includes the people in your life. That's part of your

(54:17):
environment, but also the physical environment. The physical is very important. Absolutely. And as a
person who's been depressed for a long time, living in a really messy space is kind of like,
it goes hand in hand. So if you don't have the energy to clean up your room or you're really struggling
with, you know, getting your house in order so that you can invite guests over, then you physically

(54:39):
leave your space, see something that's different. And maybe that will give you the energy to like,
you know, maybe I'll make the bed. Maybe I'll pick that thing up off the floor, right? So, yeah,
changing your physical space, changing your social space, I think does change your mental space.
100%. You're looking at me like, next question please. And I love that. Yeah, because when you,

(55:03):
not one therapist is all therapist. No, it's like dating. Oh, it's way more important than
dating honestly, because you have to be honest about yourself to a fault. Exactly. Exactly. And
sometimes it doesn't work out. And you're like, I guess I'll never work out. How many therapists did
it take you to find the one that you may use now? If you include the one time chats I've had
at my university counselor, like the health, you know, center over a dozen, maybe like 17.

(55:31):
But now in the iteration of finding therapists, where does this land like was when you found this
therapist? How long had you been looking? Um, I don't know, maybe a matter of like weeks, but like,
you know, I, I, on yelp, and I'm looking at reviews and bubble, blah. And I was familiar with this
person. Um, they've written books and they've done stuff that I was familiar with. So I, what is a

(55:54):
doctor fill? It's not doctor fill. Oh, thank God. They do have, they do have a media connection. Yeah,
but okay. So long Island medium. Yeah. So that's good. That's a good thing to do when you're getting
outside of the house. You're being more social. You're finding professional help. I mean, these are
tools that are good. These are important tools. Yeah. They sound simple. No, they're hard to do. They're

(56:15):
hard to do. They're difficult to do. But it's the more that you say it, the more that you hear it,
the more that your community is iterating these things, the more likely you're to be influenced
positively by those things. Yeah. So anytime that I have a conversation about therapy or mental
health, I think it's important to spell out specifically what are the tools that you utilize? Yeah.
They don't change verably wise. Often. Yeah. It's usually the same answers. But it's important to

(56:42):
spell that out because if it worked for you, yeah, it will click with someone else. Absolutely. Yeah,
I had to change out my therapist a couple times. And that's why I, I, I'd like to encourage folks that
if it doesn't work with that one person. First of all, they are people too. They have their own
communication style. There are different styles of, you know, there's a Jungian psychology and

(57:04):
there's all sorts of different flavors of therapy. Oh, yeah. There's a big difference between a
psychotherapist and a therapist. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. All of that is so different. Yeah.
There's all sorts. I have to say, I think it's important. Whatever it is that you currently feel
like you want to proactively work on, you know, there's a therapist designed for that. Exactly. Whether

(57:25):
it's trauma or it's organization or it's, you know, if you want to be a therapist, really go to a
person with training for that. Yes. But you can find people that are specifically for the thing that
you're trying to work on. Yeah. And you know, I found that the therapist who have made the biggest
impacts in my life gave me homework. Like that like, I do like homework. It doesn't have to be

(57:49):
a worksheet. Sometimes it's a worksheet. As long as you're not feeling guilty about not having done
your homework, but like action items. What are they? Like give me examples of action. I guess. So like,
if you're feeling extremely stressed out, like what is in your toolbox? Like first of all,
what in your body is giving you a little alert that like, Hey, I might be having some anxiety right

(58:09):
here. And I might be feeling angry right now. And I might blow up like finding out what those
telltale signs are first. And then, okay, I recognize I'm having this feeling. It's not great. Don't like it.
Okay, well, what are the tools that I've practiced with my therapist? Where are the action items that I
can do right now? When you're having anxiety, what is your tool? I actually, this one is not from my

(58:32):
therapist. This is from the unbreakable chemist. Oh, my God. Hey, you'll get it where you get it. So
when she's like in her bunker and she's cranking that thing and counting to 10, I use that because of
that show. My therapist didn't give it to me. I should break that down for me further for those that
haven't done. Okay, so in the unbreakable chemist, she was like locked in a bunker for a long time in a

(58:53):
cult. And to power because she thought the apocalypse. She thought, yeah, she thought the world
had ended and she was following you know, a cult leader. And so she had to like operate this crank,
which she didn't realize was like powering his like man cave that she could see. Sorry spoilers,
but this show is really old so you should have seen it. So and she just kept counting to 10 as a way

(59:19):
for her to cope with this difficult breathing tool essentially is what you're doing. But she's
cranked with your hands. I don't that would be hilarious. People just washing me hand cranked nothing.
I don't know. It could get the flow go. It could. It could. It also looks like you're rowing a boat.
Or TikTok dance maybe. Sure. Little JoJo seawaw for you. Yeah, exactly. Oh gosh. Yeah, exactly. She

(59:43):
basically says if you you can get through. No, JoJo. Oh yeah, Kimmy says. Kimmy said if you can get
through you can get through anything in 10 seconds basically you can get through anything in 10 seconds
at the end of those 10 seconds you can have another 10 seconds. So sometimes I'll count to 10 like
10 times 12 times if it's something that's really really difficult and heavy and I just I need to

(01:00:06):
just survive this moment. It is painful. It's difficult slowing it down and getting it into the
iteration and the rhythm of that. Sure. That flow helps with most things. Sure. Anger. Anxiety. Oh yeah.
You get through those 10 seconds. That's really that's a bigger concept than I think as simple as
it sounds. Yeah. That is a big thing. So that's a great tool. It is a great tool. It's so simple. I

(01:00:29):
mean it's like you know people say like oh yeah just count to three or whatever. No count to 10
really focus on the numbers and start over when it's done. I don't know. I just take a gap and
then fuck off. No, no. No, for me if I'm having anxiety I have to physically walk. I have to do that.
That's great too. Yes. And go on a walk. I've been doing that too. And it both those things help.

(01:00:52):
So much. Rhythm. Something about the rhythm, the repetitiveness. Yes. It's kind of meditative.
It is. I'm not good at sitting still on meditation. I have to be in I have to be moving. Yep. Yep.
But I think that might have to do with my ADHD more than anything else. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe
maybe this is really like if you have ADHD and depression try walking or counting.

(01:01:15):
Like episode four. Yeah. Focus on the rhythm of something. I think I'll call it ADHD depression.
There you go. Is that the end of the episode? Let's put a little button on this. Sure. Because I do
want to wrap out here. I think that we got to a real good flow of what was going on. I think the

(01:01:38):
important thing in this conversation is to be honest with yourself. Yeah. When you do have something
going on it's good to seek other professional expert help. It takes time but it is worth it to
yourself and to your community at large to be working on that because it impacts other people.
Sure. Yeah. It does. And for me to see you uplifted in such a way, it's made my day. I'm so glad.

(01:02:05):
It's so great to see you in this space. I hope that you feel celebrated today. I do. Thank you so
much. Don't just say that. I hope you really feel it because I think it's so wonderful to see you.
Have so many wonderful factors going on for yourself. I wish you could see how we just
held hands because it was so incredibly wonderful and so honest. It was like the crisp of the finger.

(01:02:25):
I love you. I'm really proud of you. Thanks for being a guest today. Thank you so much. I love you.
Bye to my Laura Croft. Bye. I want to thank Randi so much for being a part of the podcast. You
were such a phenomenal guest. I will definitely have you back on in the future. And I want to thank you
for listening to our podcast. Thank you so much. Like, subscribe, follow all those good things. You can

(01:02:48):
find us across all social media platforms at you've got an hour because that's the name of the
podcast, in case you didn't know. Ha ha. Hello, well. Please like and subscribe. All that stuff.
Thank you Randi Cohn! And thank you so much to Chris Cappuccino, my producer. As you can tell, this podcast has no producer
outside of myself. Chris Cappuccino is merely a placeholder. Fall guy. No, they're good warm up.

(01:03:10):
Great warm up. Bonus content.
Be quiet. Now, who's ready for that delicious morsel of a treat that I sort of sprinkled in at
the very opening? A little teaser? Hey, the untite five. The untite five. The untite five.

(01:03:30):
Hmm. It's a stand up act while I'm sitting down. What is the name of the story you might ask?
The failed optometrist, Miss Bull and Little Billy, the drugie. A Jones County Christmas special.
Rivaling, a Christmas story. That's homalom. Okay, I hope he wasn't an actual drug addict,
but he at least was a drug expert. Yep, that's the whole title. Say it back. Isn't that so catchy?

(01:03:53):
So I had this teacher in fourth grade. Her name was Miss Bull. These are boring details. Her name was
not actually Miss Bull. I'm obviously changing all of these names because I'm not trying to get sued.
But I had her for one semester as an English teacher. And she always did this thing. She always
pulled me in the hallway to talk to me about my dilated eyes. I'm talking five, six, seven times.

(01:04:14):
It was a regular occurrence. She had a very vested interest in those eyes. And I thought, you know,
like the good Christian girl that I am, that initially she was just flirting with a minor. No,
no. She was asking me over and over and over repeatedly. Are you on something? Why are you
eyes so dilated? Now that I've lived in LA for a minute and that I'm in my 30s, I can reflect upon

(01:04:37):
this and say, homegirl was actually not flirting with me. She was trying to score drugs. And I know
that she wasn't concerned about me because she never at one point said, let's go to the principal
or let's talk to a counselor or at the very least, I'd like to talk to your parents. None of that.
We're talking five, six, seven times. She's taking me aside to look at me and my eyes and to ask me like,

(01:05:03):
hey, you got something in that peanut butter jar essentially and in more or less those words,
as if I'm going to bring cocaine and I'm going to share it with her for free. She never offered
me money just for the record. But if she had, I probably would have, I probably would have found some.
Of the two of us clearly, I'm the more resourceful one. I mean, so much so that like a 30 something

(01:05:24):
year old woman is asking my nine year old self, do I the fuck have drugs? Did I peak early? Do I still
give this energy? The cocaine part probably, but the hey, you've got your shit together so much that you
you're a resource. You are a resource for me. I know that I give off cocaine energy. My PR team
wants me to say this very loudly. I've never done cocaine and I have no interest in ever doing it.

(01:05:47):
That's actually true. That's not just a PR statement. I know I give off that energy, but clearly I've
been giving off that energy since birth. Like literally, I had a teacher ask me if I was on cocaine
when I'm nine. Literally telling her to for her face, I have never done that and will never do that.
I would practice saying that in the mirror. That's why I said it so concisely and so clearly was
wherein I normally stumble what I'm saying. I can say I have never done cocaine nor will I ever do

(01:06:10):
cocaine. I can say it very quickly and easily because I would literally have to go home and
practice saying that because she would approach me almost daily trying to score these jugs off of me.
And I'm like, what? Please just picture that for a second because I'm not even exaggerating. I
would be in the mirror nine years old in my alone bathroom time. I've never done cocaine. I will never
do cocaine. I have never done cocaine. I will never do cocaine. Practice saying it over and over and over.

(01:06:32):
Meanwhile, my mom's like, Adam, what is taking you so long in the bathroom? Nothing. I let my life.
I've never done cocaine. I will never do cocaine. Okay, I'm getting ready for Miss Boo.
And every day she's still coming back coming back for more so determined that this time will be a
different result. I know yesterday you said you weren't on drugs, but today I think you might be.
I have never done cocaine. I will never do cocaine. Can I get back to class? Okay, well, maybe tomorrow

(01:06:56):
wink wink. No, bitch. Stop asking me. We're about the other kids in the room. She would literally
bring me into the hallway despite whatever else is going on around her completely ignoring the fact
that someone is literally shoving crayons up their nose to the point that they're about to have a
seizure. Never mind, Mary Beth over here who can't stop touching herself because she just
discovered she is a vagina or little Pam over here who has the reading comprehension of a

(01:07:19):
kindergartener who we're in English class. Hello, maybe we work on that. I don't know just a thought
and little Alan here has pissed himself for the fourth time this week because I don't know what's
going on with him, but he doesn't ask to go to the bathroom and like maybe we should tell him,
hey, let's ask when we need to go to the bathroom so the entire room doesn't smell like cat piss all
the time. No, no, no, no, no, let's ignore all that. Let's hustle the gay kid for some club classics.

(01:07:45):
How can you even look at a fourth grader and tell who acts like they're on drugs or not?
Like they're on drugs. This is when your hormones are really beginning or they are in the south
because of all the processed food. And this also was the year that we had 9/11 happen. So everybody's
acting off their fucking rocker. We are like 20 miles from a base. Everyone was on lockdown that day

(01:08:06):
and the weeks after we had our lunches delivered to us. People were acting crazy. But she has the
gall and the audacity to keep coming back with the greatest hit of your eyes are dilated. Yeah,
lick it all the bullshit going on around us. Today? Are you on drugs today? I just saw a
sweetie talk with my parents last night. It was a very good play but I'm starting to understand

(01:08:26):
his perspective. Maybe you would look better, chopped up in a little pieces and put in a pie.
Then maybe you would be productive in your life at once. Unlike this grandhog day conversation.
See, I think you're on cocaine out of it. No, I'm just pissed off. My eyes are dilated from the rage.
Okay, we'll check back tomorrow. Please fucking don't. Takes gold and motherfucker. Maybe evolution isn't

(01:08:48):
read. She really thought I was lying. She kept asking as if my answer was going to change all of
a sudden. She was really holding out on a prayer, which is ironic because she was definitely
barking up the wrong tree. I could have easily referenced her towards L'Obele from our dare program
who actually could have probably gotten her something. But I kind of liked watching her struggle.

(01:09:09):
And that's how you know I'm a little fucked in the head. Now here's the big talk about Billy.
Billy was a very short, looked like a preemie baby, you know, so white he's blue, kind of kid.
He didn't have much of a propensity for school whatsoever. But Billy had a hidden talent. He was
a little drug expert. Because every time they whip something out of their bag, the dare program,

(01:09:32):
not let me set this up better, not they whip something out of their bag. That's a terrible thing to
say. The dare program would come in and they would bring literal actual drugs with them, not placebo,
not fake stuff, not photos. They would bring in like meth and cocaine and they would show it to us.
And they would say before they announced what it was, you know, hey, no trigger warning here.

(01:09:57):
We've got a bag here. Does anyone in the room know what this is? I and the other kids literally had
no idea what they were pulling out of their bags because it wasn't candy, but you better believe
Little Billy did. Oh, Little Billy knew, Little Billy knew every Susie Q and Susie O and Susie what the
woe that those dare officers dared to pull out of their bag. Little Billy would raise his hand.

(01:10:19):
Yeah, let it right there or some cocaine. That's cocaine, but it's been cut with something.
I don't know exactly what teachers were supposed to be doing during the dare program,
but Miss Bull was definitely out of the room during it, whether it was from Gil or, you know, Shane that
she felt she might experience from the dare people about don't do drugs. Don't do drugs as she's
clearly baiting her students for drugs themselves. But she missed out on a golden opportunity to see

(01:10:43):
which students she should actually be poaching for the drug she wants. AKA Little Billy.
Now the dare people never dared to take Billy on the hallway and have a conversation with him and
his parents, oh no, they didn't care. They were like, gold star, Billy. Great job. You know what cocaine
is. Great job, nine year old. We love that you know what heroin is. You are a success story.

(01:11:04):
Never do drugs. And I'm like, I think it's a little late for Billy. I think Billy's around drugs a lot.
I think we need to be very concerned about Billy. But no, let's worry about my eyes. Let's worry about
that. This is where we hit a crescendo. I know we're about 17,000 minutes into this story. It's
longer than the Bible itself. But get ready for quite a twist. Let me set the tone here. My reading voice.

(01:11:27):
It was a wonderful snow filled day. Okay, it's 2001. It's not actually snowing. We're in the middle of
the south and hello climate change. But somewhere all for you is playing softly in the background because
that was a big hit at the time. Janet Jackson, major hit, major. Look it up. I if you don't know it,
put some respect on the name. That winter we began a new tradition. I'm not talking about the

(01:11:48):
lighting of a Christmas tree. I'm talking about the bomb threat. Oh yes, beginning that winter,
we got our very first bomb threat while in school. And I think that the call was coming from inside
the house when I say that what I mean is little Tommy Sue over here would have her mom regularly
call in a bomb threat so we could get out of the school and away from tests, which honestly,

(01:12:08):
I'm not condoning, but it may or may not have been a strategy that I benefited from. We would
literally be outside hiding from a bomb threat. Adam, why are your eyes dilated? Because you already
knew she stopped and asked me this in the middle of all of the chaos going around us. Never mind the
SWAT team that's warming in on the school. Never mind little Amy Beth who needs her insulin shot or

(01:12:31):
any of the children pick any of the children that are currently having an anxiety attack over. I
don't know the fact that they might blow up. Hello. Nope. She stops and asks me about my eyes.
Miss Bull really said fuck these kids. I need coke. I need coke right now. But me with my dilated eyes.
Crisis. It was in that moment that much changed. And the big change I'm referring to is puberty.

(01:12:55):
My voice dropped. I was gonna say three octaves, but it probably only dropped a couple of notes,
because let's be honest, I still have a very high pitched voice. But whether it was the stress of the
bomb or the threat directly in front of me or really honestly probably all that process sugar
that I had forged for all fall, but already eaten and fucked myself royally for the hibernation period.
Here I was speaking like a true adult. This is the first time I was ever sassy with another human. Can

(01:13:21):
you believe it? That might be true. Here's what I said back to Miss Bull, my fourth grade teacher,
of only one semester. Okay, Miss Bull, I think there's some there's some bigger issues going on here.
And I don't think they have to do with my fucking eyes. Strong start. Very strong start. Look at what is
going on around us. Talk about not being aware of your circumstances. We literally have a SWAT team
in our elementary school where the mascot is a fucking lighthouse. And you're over here completely

(01:13:47):
not shining a light. The ships are crashing into the bank. Hello, honey. Let's not peek behind the
curtain and look at what's going on with literally the rest of the class that you are supposed to be
assigned to as a teacher during and I can't stress it enough a bomb threat. And let's just peek
behind the eyelid of my dilated eyes. You crack or that's right. I called her the one thing that

(01:14:09):
you're not supposed to call an English teacher. Or so I've been told since I've told this story. You
crack or... Also really what kind of drugs are you on? Because I have now been approached seven times
about this issue. Do you have amnesia? How many times have you done DMT? I'm gonna need to know.
So you're really not on drugs. Oh, I'm gonna tell you my age and it's also gonna represent the word no.

(01:14:35):
Nine. Okay? Nine bitch. Nine. That's the only German reference I've ever gonna do on this podcast.
She slumped and sauntered off that field. Never to be seen from ever again. Okay, she didn't leave
right then and I didn't really call her a crack or but I thought it in my mind and I did say
something sassy back. It was so long ago who's to recount exactly what I said but she did not come back

(01:15:01):
again the next semester. That was the last interaction I had with her and it's made me wonder all
this time. Was it me or was it rehab? Dun dun dun. Either way, Ms. Bull, I hope you're okay and I
really hope that you found your passion in life which isn't drugs. It's optometry school. I hope
you went because you are so obsessed with fucking eyes I can't with you. Now, Billy, if you're out there,

(01:15:24):
I hope that you did not get caught up in a drug scene whatsoever. But if you did, I live in Los
Angeles and I know a lot of people that okay my PR team is cutting me off. They said that isn't funny.
I don't think I was joking. I actually do know a lot of people here and I would like to get 10%
from it and if they cut this out again I don't know what we will see you next episode where there

(01:15:45):
will be no story time for me but there will be two parts to the story that Ari's iso talks about.
It is a wonderful set of episodes. You are in for a real treat and we thank Ari in advance for his
honesty, his openness, his frankness and for his example through sobriety. We'll see you next week.
Well, you won't see us. You'll hear me. Get that wrong every time. Anyway, this has been you've got

(01:16:09):
an hour and however many minutes this is extra. I don't like that it was extra. I should have made
this a separate episode. Oh my god. I blame Chris Capuchino. I'm not supposed to say thank you so I
won't say thank you to little Tommy Su's mom for getting us out of multiple tests. But in my book
and estimation, you are an unsung hero and I may have written about you in fifth grade when they said,
hey, 9/11 tribute, who are we going to commend? And I didn't choose a firefighter. I chose you.

(01:16:34):
So thank you Tommy Su's mom. I don't know if you called in that bomb threat or not. I really hope
that it was you and not an actual bomb threat because that scares me senseless and keeps me up at night
and makes me have agoraphobia. Lots of trauma to unpack. Crack org? Wow, this really was a Christmas story
but set in Jones County. What a story. You're welcome.

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