September 25, 2024 • 60 mins
This is NOT a Jonas brother, but it is a conversation with the podcast's bestie, and pop star icon Ari Zizzo! Togay, we continue to discuss sobriety and the journey Ari took towards this, in the final part of this discussion. Our first ever 2-parter!
Stay with us for "exactly" one hour, while we discuss this, and, of course, this episode includes the iconic segments from everyone's favorite southern mom and pop! Linda LaFaye and Dad!
Don’t forget to like and subscribe to the podcast! Your reviews help us so much! And we'd love to hear from you @youvegotanhour on IG and TT. Share and tag us on your own socials! Yessss besties!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, welcome back to the podcast and if you're in the know, then you know today is part two.
(00:04):
So it's basically not you've got an hour. It's got you've got two hours with Ari's iso as our guest.
He's a pop star and it's important that we discuss all of this to its fullest extent because this is Ari's truth.
This is Ari's journey and if you or someone that you love is going through addiction,
maybe you will see some encouragement about coming out on the other side of this.
(00:24):
And of course as I was starting to ramp up into what I was saying, it sounded like there was a
freaking tornado out. Did you know we were sponsored by Twisters? Wow. I'm safe. Everything's good.
Let's launch into the conversation. If you didn't hear the first part of the conversation,
what are you doing? Go back and listen to it. There was a really fun game there. There will be no
game in this part. We're just having the conversation. You've got an hour. This is Adam Griffin with Ari's iso.
(00:47):
The pandemic hit and my girlfriend at the time had just moved out to LA to live with me.
So I was living with her in like a townhouse thing with three other guys who were like some of my best
friends and it was really fun. You know, we just know responsibilities, income for no fucking reason
(01:10):
and a lot of alcohol. So every day I was like, I can wake up and drink. Fuck yeah. So I would be drunk all day.
Drunk all night. Started getting into mushrooms. Then got out of mushrooms because they fucking
freak me out. Yeah, the scary thing about something psychedelic is that you have to look internally.
(01:30):
Yep. And if you're not liking what you're seeing, nope, you're stuck. Yeah. My drinking got
heavier and heavier and heavier. And I didn't realize that my partner, she was noticing things because
she just didn't say anything. She comes from a family of alcoholics like mom's alcoholic,
biological father's alcoholic with stage four cirrhosis. Her stepdad's an alcoholic.
(01:54):
Three of her grandparents died from alcoholism. Both her brothers are like more veterans with PTSD
and alcoholics. So like now her boyfriend's an alcoholic. Not great. Yeah, we're kind of testing
some things here. Yeah. And I didn't think about that because I didn't think I was an alcoholic.
I just was like, I drink a lot. So does everybody else because like, truth be told, so does everybody else.
(02:15):
Right. At least in my life. Was she sober? She didn't drink. Okay. So in recovery, we call that being
like a dry drunk, basically like you don't use the substances, but you don't work a program.
But not everybody needs to work a program. She wasn't an addict. She was like absent from it because
of the examples in her life. Yep. And she didn't make alcohol a matter of feel. But you know,
here's me drinking a 12 pack of white clause every day, filling them up with vodka, passing out instead of
(02:40):
falling asleep. You know, I would drink before I ate and would drink all through the night and make
myself stay up really late so that I didn't have to wake up with a hangover. I started getting a lot of
weight. Things are starting to get bad. And then in early 2021, one of my childhood best friends
(03:01):
died suddenly from a heroin overdose. Oh, no. Yeah. And she had had four years sober. And I was one of
the first people to find out. And I was a fucking mess like a wreck about it. I'd never
lost someone that close to me. I mean, I'd lost, you know, like my grandparents, my ex-girlfriends mom
(03:26):
who I was very close with lost her to cancer. Like, I'd lost people, but this was a loss that was
utterly devastating. And I had to tell our whole friend group that she died.
Which was a lot. I flew back to New York for a funeral. I held like a little memorial thing with all
(03:48):
of our friends. I was like in a blackout the whole time I was there. And I got back to LA. Blackout
from alcohol. Blackout from grief. Both. Got back to LA felt incredibly alone because I was
away from all the people who knew her and her family and my family.
(04:09):
And I just started to spiral like really spiral. I got really like suicidal. I started self-harming
which I have a little bit of history with when I was younger. And just
sobbing and drinking at all times. It just got really, really, really, really, really dark.
That's when my girlfriend kind of said something to me, which was like you need help. And
(04:37):
you have a problem with alcohol. And I woke up one morning. I'd kind of seen what I had done to
myself the night before. Like I'd really like cut myself a lot. And I decided to call
a really close friend of mine who I knew had gone to rehab and asked her if she thought I should go to
(05:00):
rehab. I just needed somebody to tell me to go. And so Google Rehabs in LA and committed myself
to treatment in like April of 2021. I took all the rest of my adderol drink. Everything I possibly had
was like like my final hurrah. Yes. An absolute drunk mess. And my dad and my brother all
(05:26):
to see me like that and helped me load my things into a car and go to rehab. So the first time I got
sober was in April. They drove you, right? Yeah. Okay. I don't drive. Yes. Thank God. It was a reason for that.
My first sobriety date was April 16th of 2021. I went to Westwind Recovery, Shoutout Westwind Recovery.
What is that? Is that in LA? Yep. It's a rehab out here. I went into their detox. It was still at the
(05:52):
end of the pandemic. So we were kind of like confined to this house for like three weeks straight.
So it was in a home. It wasn't in a rehab facilitation center. It was like in a proper home. Look like a
home. Right. So a lot of rehabs out here are in like very like upscale houses. So you'll like live
there for a period of time. And then you'll do you'll live in like a sober living home and do outpatient
(06:17):
rehab, which is at like a facility, like in a building with little offices and rooms where you have
groups and stuff. The rehab itself consists of a detox house, which you know, they have a full staff
and nurses that watch you. You know, your drug tested daily. When you come into rehab,
you're like strip searched. They have to go through all your things. Very lengthy like intake process.
(06:40):
They make sure you have all of your prescribed medication. They have you on certain medication
to detox you off of whatever substances you're on. I mean, when I came in there, I hadn't slept in a
couple days. It was on a lot of Adderall, a lot of alcohol. I hadn't eaten. Thought I was having a hard
attack. Like, you know, I was not in good shape. But I went to my first AA meeting that night.
(07:03):
I really wanted it. I wanted to try something I had never tried before, which was
sobriety, like living my life without relying on things outside of myself to get me through my own problems
and to find happiness and to find inspiration. Yeah, and sitting with ourselves without any
(07:24):
distraction is incredibly uncomfortable. Yes. Borderline tortures. But that's where the growth comes.
Exactly. So that's amazing that you really wanted it that first time. Thanks. Yeah, I'm very grateful
that I wanted it. And I had a lot of people in my life who loved me that wanted it for me.
My parents had no idea I had problems. I had to like tell them, which is really interesting.
(07:48):
Oh, I cannot imagine the weight of that conversation. Yeah, it was it was sad. My parents were really
heartbroken, but really happy that I wanted help. So I went through the detox house. Then I went through
kind of like a middle ground house that called PHP's partial hospitalization program. So it's like
(08:09):
in between being monitored 24/7, having all your stuff locked away, including your phone, your
meds, your clothes, all that stuff. And having a tiny bit more freedom. That's also when you start
going outpatient. PHP house, you live in the house, you're still monitored a lot. You are under
a schedule. They transport you to and from places, but you're doing groups at the outpatient facility.
(08:32):
Next step down is going into a sober living house. Westroom recovery had five different houses.
So clients were placed in different houses. I mean, you don't really have a pick of that.
No, they put they place a place you can like ask to be transferred somewhere. If there's like
a specific reason that you feel you need to be there, like if there's a tech that you have a really
(08:56):
strong relationship with or the majority of your friends in recovery are there. They want to keep
you in your community. Yeah, so they had me in their like LGBT house. They were very like LGBTQ
friendly and focused. Good. And I had a lot of that clientele. I hope that was the right fit,
(09:16):
that house. It was great. Good. I moved in there when I had 90 days of sobriety. So first house was like
two weeks to a month, second house was a month. Now I'm in sober living, which is like final boss.
Yeah, and I could stay at sober living for up to a year. But at that point, they transport me to and
(09:38):
from outpatient, which we call IOP intensive outpatient. We love an acronym. Oh yeah, I'm there for
from like eight thirty to three every day. And then I can kind of do whatever I want. So my ex-girlfriend,
girlfriend at the time would come pick me up. We'd hang out at home. I'd get to see mango. I started
(09:59):
looking into getting a job going to the gym constantly. I lost a lot of weight. I got, yeah, I got really
in shape. And just continued to go to A meetings every day. We were required to go to a set number of
meetings. There were house managers that monitored our meds. They would drug test us. There was a
(10:19):
curfew. Yada, yada, yada. So I stayed in that treatment program for eight months. And by the end of
that program, I had a job. I was only doing outpatient for like three days a week. So they really like
we were being weed up by step exactly. So then I graduated their program at about I think like nine
(10:44):
months sober. Who's paying for all of those insurance? Okay, that's good. Yeah, out of pocket,
these places are insane. No, it's not good. It's not good. But a lot of them accept a wide variety
of insurance plans, which is great. But yeah, I got I got home was
renavigating a relationship with my girlfriend at the time who was also sober and like we got to have
(11:06):
a really exciting and new chapter in our relationship. It was amazing. She was all supportive and
loving and proud and wonderful. She was my best friend. Things were really great. I had a full
time job, you know, as making more music, paying my bills and happy relationship, going to A meetings
(11:35):
a lot. So here are the boxes. They're checked. They're checked. They're checked. Right. I had a year of
sobriety finished my my 12 steps started sponsoring people. Wow. And a sponsor in alcoholics and
anonymous for those who don't know is like someone with a little more sober time than you that
(11:56):
kind of takes you under their wing and guides you through the 12 steps of the program.
And they're the person that you reach out to first if you need it. They're like a mentor. Yeah. They're
like a Yoda. You know, it's a way for you to consistently be of service to other people who need it.
Did you like doing that? I loved doing it. I love I love helping other people. It's like my
(12:20):
favorite thing to do. But yeah, everything was going well and then my relationship I got really sick
for the last month of our relationship and like a COVID thing or what? I got Norovirus and then I got
something like COVID. So I was very depressed and like isolated. And my ex at the time was not
(12:46):
around very often. She was spending a lot of her time with another guy. It was weird. I just thought
it was weird at the time. I was trying not to think too far into it because in the past I'd had
issues with her and other guys. And I'm not that type of dude that gives a shit if his girlfriend
(13:06):
has male friends. I don't fucking care. But she was very secretive and weird about her and like
way too intimate with these guys. Like her first guy friend out here was a 50 year old married man.
And they were text all the time and go out together all the time and I never met him or even knew what
he looked like. So just got a lot of gray area there. Exactly. So I was trying to look at this relationship
(13:32):
from a different lens. She'd been a lot better about handling it. He had a girlfriend.
We'll also long term girlfriend time and we would do like a couple things together. But at the end
of that month things just completely fell apart. Like I still to this day don't really know what
happened. One morning she woke up after like the night before she had ditched our plans to hang out
(13:59):
with this guy. Which really hurt me. She got home until like four in the morning and was very cold when
she got home. And the next morning she woke up and was like can we talk. Things have been remember
that's lately. And I was like well yeah fucking yes. Talk to me about it. We got on a whole fight. She
hinted at wanting to be free and explore as she was in her 20s and wanted to do all these things and
(14:23):
travel. And I was like great. I want you to do all those things. I don't feel like we need to break
up to do those things. And she just I don't think she knew how to tell me that she wanted to leave.
But I knew and I had a complete breakdown about it because she had broken up with me once before
back in 2019. We were doing long distances before she moved out to LA with me. And she pulled the
(14:49):
whole like I want to be free. I want to explore sexually with people and like it crushed me.
Was an open relationship ever a topic? No I wouldn't be cool with that. You that's not for you.
No absolutely. But was it ever from her and like is that something that you're going to need because
that won't work for me? No. No no no that discussion. No problem. She just kind of disappeared.
(15:10):
And then came running back like a month later like I'm so sorry I made the worst mistake of my life.
It's always been you. And I was like hesitant but took her back. Anyway yeah this was happening again.
Except this time we've now lived together for over three years. We had a cat together. We share
everything. We're planning on getting engaged. I've been through treatment once. Yeah I'm sober.
(15:30):
You've been my partner for that. Exactly. So I like broke down. I was like oh my god you're
gonna leave me again. And she was like no I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not and then
three days later I come back from a camping trip with my treatment center. And she was like I love you
but I have to learn to love myself. Okay. And I was like I don't know what that means but okay what do
(15:55):
you need? And she was like I need to leave. I'm leaving tonight. And she abrupt? Yes. And she was like your
best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the most wonderful man. Like I love you so much
but I feel like I don't know who I am and I'm scared of who I am and I need to go figure that out.
(16:17):
So she had a lot of growth left in her journey and had never really gone to therapy and I'd
been slowly encouraging her over the years to really look into helping herself. But you know through
treatment you can't do someone of this journey with me exactly. So you know I was just I was
devastated you know and that night I was kind of like you know I want this to be my turn now to be
(16:42):
your rock while you go and do this work on yourself for however long it takes and I'll be here and
she was like okay. And I was like me and mango are here for you take whatever space you need.
Let me know over this next week like what your plans are you know if you need help packing
(17:04):
she told me she was going to go back to New York the following week to just be home with her family
and look into treatment and made these promises to me. She left the apartment she said I love you
and then I didn't hear from her for about a week. Okay. Found out she had been at a rave the whole time
(17:25):
with this guy. I don't understand the propensity. You know I don't know where her journey was I can't
be in her shoes but that would feel like a lie to me and I'm sure it seems like you're still
reeling with that. What I hope that I know we're getting into it with the relationship dynamic but
I hope that at some point you can let go of what could have been what happened all of
(17:47):
half. Okay. I'm just going over this because it leads to my relapse. It was so fucking devastating.
Like she left that day and I quite literally never saw her again. I had to pack all of her things for
her. She lied to me about where she was. So she had left a bunch of stuff you had to pack a
ship it to somewhere. All of her stuff. So I had to go through all of her belongings, all of the
(18:13):
gifts I've given her, all of our things together, take down all the pictures, all the art,
stuff it in the closet and wait for her to come get it and she refused to come when I was going to be
there. For how long did that go on for? Took her about three months to come and get her shit.
And she's not paying rent on the place. No. Her mom had to cover all that for her because she wouldn't
(18:37):
pay. Meanwhile she had already gotten a new place with a roommate, gotten a new cat. And you found out
through someone else I'm sure. Yeah. And because everybody that was in our circle was like
shocked and devastated her family was shocked and devastated. My family was shocked.
Oh yeah, you've been in each other's life for so long. I'm sure you were intertwined and talking to
(19:01):
the mom and yeah, she was clearly seeing this guy. I found out that he had broken up with his
girlfriend two days before she dumped me. And now she was like half living with him, half living in
this new apartment. They're like, what is true? What is the reality? What's been going on?
Exactly. Basically just like pretending that I don't exist. And that's what hurt the most was
(19:24):
that like how could we go from what we had to it ending with that conversation that I didn't think
was negative to you now treating me like trash. And I couldn't handle not having any answers,
not the not knowing the wondering and living in our apartment. Yeah, you needed to wake up in our bed
(19:50):
every single day. There were a lot of other little things that happened that she did that were
awful. But basically I like white knuckled this for about three to four months. I had grown a
stray from AA from my community to slowly isolated, got very depressed. I ended up relapsing
(20:16):
in August of 2022 while I was up in Maine at our summer home. And like around your family.
I snuck out of my house, took a bunch of Bud lights, stuffed them in my pants and ran into the woods.
(20:36):
What was that moment like when you were like, okay, this is what I'm doing. I've been sober for
X amount of time now. Almost a year and a half. It felt so surreal. I'll never forget
it. Yes, I'll never forget looking down at the Bud Light Cannon cracking and opening and being like,
oh my god, I'm doing this right now. I didn't even feel like I was doing it. You wanted to drive
(20:57):
us. Yeah, I had I had lost that battle to my disease completely. I remember when the switch flipped
in my head and it was like, I am going to drink. And there was nothing that was going to stop me.
Nothing. Nobody could have stopped me. And I got drunk and I was so happy. I was so I felt relief
(21:21):
for the first time. A false sense of relief. A false sense of liberation. Right. Right.
I immediately told my brother and my dad that I drank within like five days. I was a sobbing drunk
mess. Oh, so you went on a full bender? Yes. And I went back to LA and it was like, I'm done.
(21:42):
I fucked up. I don't want this. I'm ready to go to a fucking meeting. I'm done. This was so stupid.
And that's probably why they let you on the plane with that intention, right? Well, that and like,
my mom just wanted me to go home like be with my dad, get back to familiarity, not be stuck in the
middle of Maine. Like an emotional wreck. I needed to be near my community. But that day, I ended up
(22:07):
going out and drinking and getting so drunk that I ended up in the hospital. First day that I'm back in
LA. My dad came and saw me like filmed me and like babbling in a wheelchair, which I'm still kind of
pissed about. But that he filmed it. Yeah. Did he film it with the intention of you need to see this
whenever you think about doing it exactly? Okay. Yes, which I get. But very harsh to look at. Yeah,
(22:31):
I'd still have it and I don't care too. I don't need to. But so. And I hope you never do. That
led me to being done. I got about six days over. Went to a liquor store. A bunch of booze. Started
drinking again. Started going out and drinking, making new friends that didn't really know my past.
(22:57):
So I didn't really have to explain to them that I had had a problem with alcohol and should be drinking.
That escalated to October of that year. I got so black out drunk and so suicidal that I attempted
to take my own life. And then I realized that I had done that and got scared. So I called 911.
(23:21):
On myself, I drank like half a bottle of rubbing alcohol and like self-harmed really bad. So I got
5150, which is like a mandatory psychiatric hold. It took me to a psych hospital. When I got into
the hospital, they said I blew over four times the legal limit. Was in the psych hospital for three days,
(23:42):
came home was when the cops came to take me from my apartment. I was like sitting in my underwear in
my own vomit and blood and like incoherent. And they like ripped me off the floor, handcuffed me and
took me out of my apartment with no shoes and no clothes. Nothing. Not in my glass. Nothing about 911.
(24:04):
They don't care. No. Well, they're doing it for my own safety, which I understand because they
don't know what they're coming into. They're just doing their fucking job. I don't understand it. They
don't have enough of their training to process that better than they do. And that's not the way to do it.
Absolutely. Um, yes. So when I was at the psych ward and when they released me, I had not my glasses
(24:25):
all weekend. So I literally couldn't see anything for three days. And because I didn't have clothes,
I had to go home in a cab with my hospital gown and grippy socks and hospital pants on.
If you don't write a book, I don't know who will. It was so embarrassing. You've got guy
interrupted as the title for this all over it. I mean, this is just really keep going. It was
(24:48):
gnarly. I got home that day. I felt really bad. I had a new roommate who had to witness all of this.
And so I had to immediately apologize to her. And she was really cool and chill. And she was like,
don't lie to me again. Like you don't need to hide the shit from me.
Get there. Something going on. Tell me. How did you know this roommate? I met her through a person
(25:08):
IP aid with. Okay. Yeah. She was also worked with somebody on set. And then this was a recommendation
for rooming with. Yes. And I met with her. We chilled. She's awesome. I still love her. I got back into AA.
Didn't go to treatment because I didn't have health insurance.
As we're over 26 now, right? Yes. You were on the parents insurance when you did correct. Got it. I
(25:33):
really dove into going to AA. But was only doing it on zoom because I didn't have a car.
Did not have a lot of sober friends at all. All my friends that I went to treatment with
relapsed. So I had no real in-person community. So I lasted about five months. And then one night,
(25:55):
my new sponsor pissed me off. And I Uber Eats some food and a margarita.
And that started my final relapse, which was the wildest and worst few months of my entire life.
(26:15):
That's a better teaser than I could ever have come up with myself. So Ari, great job on producing
your own segments. We'll be right back with the final part of Ari's story towards sobriety.
But first, here are some unrelated words from my mother. Hi everyone. This is Linda LaFaye and I've always
(26:35):
got something to say. Today's topic is about respect. Yes, I have talked about it before, but I'm
going to talk about it again. I'm sure you might have picked up on the fact that I am from the south.
Now, being that I'm a country girl who was raised in and still lives in the south, you might hear a
twang in my diction. Did you know that some folks instantly discount my IQ based on my pronunciation
(26:59):
and accent? Well, let me just remind you, hey, you are not always right and be. You should not judge
others period. You might also think those who have proper diction and use big words are smart.
And maybe they are. Maybe they aren't. My sweet parents used to say sometimes people with a lot of
book sense don't always have a lot of common sense. They said that to us to open up our awareness
(27:22):
that both were important. So please hear me when I say this. Would you try to pay attention to
yourself, talk? And if you're disrespecting someone even if it's only in your brain, please stop it.
Have respect for others, which means you also should respect yourself. You're welcome.
(27:42):
That was Linda Lafei. She's always got something to say and here's my dad.
The Adam remembers not how you started. It's how you end later. All right. Now back to our regularly
scheduled programming insanity. Things started off totally under my control. Normal. I was back to drinking
(28:08):
every day, but going out, making all these new friends, meeting girls, having all this fun,
was the life of the party again. About two months in, my roommate moved out to move in with her
girlfriend. So now I'm stuck in, still me in my ex's apartment. My fucking hellhole. It was literally
(28:34):
a place of so much pain. But now I couldn't swing the rent and I didn't care. How long did that go on for?
Six months? Five or six months? I had an eviction, court day, and everything, like by the end of it.
They were going to evict me. But yeah, so two months into that, I was out of house party and I met
(28:59):
this girl who was a coped dealer. So I was like, oh yeah, cocaine. I hadn't done it like six years.
I was like, yes, me. Could I try this out again? And of course, fell in love with it again. So my drug
dealer becomes one of my closest friends, which is sort of the epitome of a red flag. And to this day,
(29:23):
I love her. I think she's a lovely person that's just mixed up in subatria. No bad blood there.
I don't know if it's someone you should hang out with. No, absolutely not. But I wish her, well,
but yeah, started doing cocaine with people at parties, started getting cocaine by myself,
started doing cocaine daily, got reintroduced to Adderall, but it wasn't like real Adderall.
(29:50):
All these old demons are sneaking right back on them. I was like, oh, Adderall, but it wasn't real Adderall.
It was math and then I got really addicted to math and cocaine and I'm drinking. I was using
math and cocaine daily plus alcohol daily for close to like six months. I would stay up at first for
(30:17):
like two, three days, then three to four days and four or five days and five to six days and six to seven days.
And being bipolar type two, this is like, where's your therapist in all of this? Not. I didn't have one.
You got rid of the therapist you had since you were 14. He passed away. Oh, I'm so sorry. When did that
happen? Um, he passed away a couple of years ago while I was sober. Oh, okay. Yeah, for the first time.
(30:42):
The first time. Yes. I couldn't afford therapy anymore. I was using better help for a little while,
but I don't love the app. I'm gonna be really frank. Sure. I just didn't want it. I didn't want
fucking therapy. I wanted drugs and alcohol. I thought I was fine. I was in such denial and I just
didn't care. I didn't give a fuck about how I was doing or what I was doing. I just wanted to get high.
(31:09):
That I was completely, completely possessed by addiction. Like I felt like the real me was this little
lost glimmer floating around in this abyss of blackness. The more and more I used, the more and
more stayed up, the less and less I ate. I started to experience psychosis consistently. What did your
(31:34):
psychosis consist of? Visual and auditory hallucinations of random shit. I don't even remember half of it.
I remember once I thought my black backpack that one was a cat. It was a convinced it was a cat
for like two days that was there to hurt mango. I saw it. I saw a tail and everything. And so I like
(32:00):
didn't move from my desk because I was afraid it was going to move and attack. But not in this physical
apartment. But yeah, I would sit at my computer and write and produce music obsessively for
day straight. I made some of my favorite stuff that I've ever done, but I don't attribute that to
(32:22):
the drugs. No, you should. No. I didn't leave my apartment and physically go outside for three months.
Rock bottom was probably like the last three weeks of me being out on this run. I was doing like two
grams of cocaine by myself a day. I don't even know how much meth or like, Adderall pills, whatever they were
(32:46):
drinking way too much. But I didn't feel it because I was on so many stimulants. I was getting
increasingly paranoid that my landlords were coming after me physically to hurt me and take me out
of the apartment. I had a friend who I'd let stay with me there who wasn't paying me anything.
(33:08):
It was drinking and doing drugs with me all the time. Then this day came where one of my best
friends from treatment, our friend will reach out to us and was like, I think I'm overdosing and I
don't know what to do. Can you guys help me? I was super high. I'd been up for like five days and he was like,
are you, can you please come to me? I was like, where are you? He said, coastamasa. I lived in Burbank at the
(33:32):
time with no car and no money. I literally can't come to you, but can you come to me? Just come to my
apartment and he was like, no, I can't. I'm too fucked up. He starts responding less and less and less.
He basically, it was a major alcohol. I could just relapse, went out, bought fentanyl from somebody and
(33:54):
took way too much. I called 911. I had to argue with the dispatcher to send a cop or a paramedic to do
a welfare check because they were like, well, if he's an addict, he might just be doing it for a
tension. He might not really need help. Just awful shit. They assured me that they sent someone,
(34:15):
the sheriff who visited Will at this motel room that he was staying in in coastamasa said,
called me and said he was fine, that he was standing up and talking to him, just looked a little tired.
I was like, okay, great. He's probably faking being coherent to have you not get him in trouble.
(34:37):
Because I know for a fact that you had fentanyl in that room. They were like, well, there's nothing
we can do with something else happens. I don't think they can legally go out without a source. I know.
It's just incredibly frustrating. He continues to beg me to come and I just can't. Even if I was over,
I still couldn't have gotten there. I checked and Uber would have cost me almost $300.
(34:58):
Oh, that's insane. Yeah. And even if I had driven, it would take me like three hours to get there.
And I wanted someone to be with him immediately. Because in this situation like that, he might not
even be alive in three hours, which is exactly what happened. So Will passed, died in that motel room,
a couple days later. And this was the sequence of events that happened that following week.
(35:24):
It was like a Sunday night, a couple days after I had spoken with Will last.
I had been up, I think, for like eight days straight at that point, had eaten one meal,
had enchoured, brushed my teeth. I thought I had blood clots in my legs because my muscles were
(35:44):
cramping so bad and felt like I wasn't in my body. Like was constantly poking myself to feel that I was
still there, hearing things, seeing things, all that jazz. And the only way I was able to sleep when I
would do this was to take Xanax bars, but they were like fake Xanax bars. And I had done so much cocaine
(36:11):
and so much meth that I was scared to take the Xanax because I know that that combination can kill you.
But I didn't know any other way to go to sleep. It's like couldn't. I was so just
wider and high. But I took the Xanax bars and I got in bed and I was like fucking freaking out. And I
(36:34):
texted my dad, was like, can you please call me in the morning and if I don't answer, please come to my
apartment. Because I was afraid I wasn't going to wake up. And he was like, what are you talking about?
Like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, no, I'm fine. I just have to do something tomorrow.
Please make sure I'm awake. Didn't tell him at all woke up the next night at like 7 p.m.
(36:57):
found out my my dog of 17 years had passed away.
And I was a mess. Fucking wreck. Like this dog was everything to me and my family.
So he had passed my dad came over. I was a mess for so many reasons. I admit it's on that night
(37:17):
that I've been abusing like math and cocaine. And I didn't know what to do. I was in all this debt.
I was going to be evicted for my apartment. My dog just fucking died. I have no money, no insurance.
Like I was at the end of my rope. And I was like, I please I need help. And he was like, all right,
first things first, we need to get you out of this fucking apartment because it's killing you to be
(37:40):
here. Correct. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I find out the next day that will die. So I'm just like
getting smacked around by the universe here. And obviously just used hell of fucking drugs and
drank a lot over all of this. Come Friday. This was like a Monday I found out about my dog.
Tuesday I find out about Will. Friday is move out day. I hadn't slept since the previous Sunday.
(38:09):
And so the movers come that morning at like eight in the morning. I'm like hooked and tweaking out,
trying to help them move three years worth of shit. But also like not really processing that I'm
actually leaving this last piece that I had of my relationship for good. They leave everything hits me.
(38:35):
And I call my mom and I just had a full breakdown like mental breakdown.
Percipitated withdrawal immediately like had this really scary panic attack while I'm high on all
these things. I'm just in this empty apartment. And I'm like, that person is really gone. That
(38:56):
relationship is really over. My dog is really dead. My friend is really dead. I am going to die.
Bottom. And then I was calling my dad to ask him to come over because I was completely alone in
an empty apartment. Well, where were you planning to go? I was going to go to his house. You were.
Okay. So that was the plan. And then go to treatment. I like 40% wanted to 60% knew I needed to.
(39:24):
Like I was afraid to die. You know, as I'm on the phone with my dad, I start having a seizure.
And I asked him to call 911. And like I was no longer able to talk. I couldn't open my mouth.
So I texted one of my neighbors, help. And she like came over. I was like kind of frozen, like stuck.
(39:46):
And paramedics came. It was the same guys that had come and cuffed me when I had gotten 50.
Oh, wait. What are the odds of that? Same officers. Yeah. That is so. And they were like, hey man,
we know you. And they were like, oh, sweet and supportive and. They didn't handcuff you this time.
No, because it wasn't a 50 150. This was like a medical emergency. Good. Not good that it was a medical
(40:12):
emergency. No, I'm just glad that at least that one tiny component is out of the picture. Yeah. I told
them that I hadn't slept in like five days that I hadn't eaten in five days. I didn't know.
Last time I had water. I told them where my drugs were. I told them what my drugs were.
They put me in a stretcher. It's like me. The ER. I've never been in more like discomfort and pain
(40:38):
in my life. And they finally got me into like a room where they were able to give me some
medication to like stop the seizures, stop my body from seizing up so that I could like relax and
open my mouth so that I could eat. Nurse had to come over and like massage my jaw so that my mouth
(40:58):
would open. Problem is the drugs they gave me to relax became part of the cocktail of things I had
already consumed. So I immediately went into severe psychosis. And I don't remember much of it.
My dad said I was saying really insane things. I tell you what I do remember is I heard three of my
(41:24):
friends voices in the hospital. I heard them. They weren't actually there. But I heard them talking
to me in the hospital and was convinced they were there to hurt me because I left the apartment.
Next thing I remember is I was on a different floor and I thought they were bringing me to rehab
in the hospital. I was looking into this other room and there was it's always a fucking black backpacks.
(41:47):
But there was a black backpack on the fucking. Maybe we need to get to a yellow back. Maybe there
was a black backpack. I was convinced it was my friend Sam and that he was there and he was hiding
behind a backpack because he's famous and didn't want anybody to see he was there. But that he was
now going to rehab with me and we were going to go to rehab together. So I like walked into the room
(42:08):
and went up to the woman at the desk and I was like that's my friend like pointed to the backpack and
she was just like staring at me and I was like no like you know her stand like that's that Sam.
Like kept trying to convince her that my friend Sam was there but I could hear his girlfriend
Shannon in the other room like talking with a doctor and they asked where to be back to my bed.
(42:32):
Blackout then I'm in my own room. I remember I was picking apart my hospital beds looking for cocaine
like pulling apart pieces of the bed because I knew there were drugs hidden in there. I was like who
doesn't keep drugs in their bed and I could hear my friends yelling louder and louder and louder
(42:54):
through the other side of the wall banging on the walls scratching on the walls. I was terrified
that they were there and they were going to kill me so I pulled a social worker in my nurse. I was
like banging the button and I was like they're here like they're going to kill me and they were like
honey there's nobody here and I was like no you don't understand they are please go look up all
(43:14):
the people that you have admitted in this hospital and prove to me that they aren't here so they did
and they were like they're not on this list honey they're not here. That was my first night. My second
night I don't remember anything except for a small fragment of a memory where I thought I heard
someone getting slapped in the hallway so I got up to try and go help them but there was nobody
getting slapped in the hallway and the nurses ended up having to restrain me to my bed. There was
(43:40):
also a camera at the end of my bed that watched me 24/7. So that whenever I tried to move or pick
apart the bed again a voice would come over and tell me to stop. I bet that triggered the psychosis
first. Beyond. Sort of what you don't want to do is have voices that aren't in the room when you
have psychosis. Yeah. Would be nice. I ended up asking for the hospitals pastor priest or whatever
(44:08):
to come speak to me because I was so desperate. But no rabbi what's going on here? What kind of hospitals
this? I remember him visually I don't remember what we talked about that and I was there for six days
two of my buddies came and picked me up from the hospital went back to my empty apartment because I
saw some things to get and immediately went and found my drugs. Railed some lines, took some meth.
(44:33):
They did or you did? I did. Oh. Cracked open a white claw and my friends were like
I was like yeah I'm fucking fine I'm going to rehab in like a week I'm gonna fucking send it.
So I did all the rest of my drugs went to my dad's house stayed up for the entire week I was at my
dad's house doing drugs in the bathroom there. My dad absolutely knew what I was doing but had no
(44:56):
way to like actually call me out on it because I was good at hiding everything. How did you get drugs
into your dad's house? So my dealer different dealer would just Uber packages to me.
So I went out for one last night with a couple of my friends to drink on the beach
and we ordered a brick of cocaine. Oh my and took it to the beach and we're just
(45:21):
stayed up all night. Tried to do as much of it as I could. Honey I don't know how you like to stay up
if I don't sleep I'm not there. Oh same now I'm sleep is everything to me. Yeah I ended up going
to my dad's neighbor's house doing drugs with him giving him some of the drugs took a new bird
or you have. You dad didn't drive you? No. And I think he was just over my shit. He was overwhelmed
(45:43):
and he's at the breaking point pretty much. Yeah. So in my Uber I just tell the Uber driver
everything. I'm like I'm going to rehab where I'm so fucked up right now and he was like laughing and
shit. I was like low-key doing bumps of cocaine in the car and like drinking a white clot in my
backpack. At the end of the Uber ride. Okay now I'm starting to see why your dad didn't take you. Yes.
(46:04):
Uber drops me off in front of rehab. I gave Uber driver what I thought was the rest of my cocaine
and and a white claw. I shot gunned one last white claw in front of the rehab. I shot gunned a white
claw in front of the rehab. Yes I needed you to hear that back because that is such a visual.
(46:27):
It certainly was. I also sliced my thumb opening the can so I'm just like that's god telling me to
stop getting a rehab. They have me like take off all my clothes and change into a gown. But where they
messed up was they let me change into bathroom. So I found another bag of coke. In my pants they didn't
want to make me get like naked because I'm trans. I understand that but it's a rehab facility and
(46:53):
they've got to check their protocols. Oh yeah. But they had me hand like all of my clothes to them and
they went through all of my shit. They had me turn my pockets inside out but I had a secret pocket in my
pants. Boy oh boy. Do we have some lessons that they need to learn? It was wild. It was wild. You had a
secret pocket and you sew it in or it was part of the pants. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know how far we were
(47:15):
getting into this. Like you sewed a pocket in. No no. I totally would have though. So they messed up.
They allowed you to bring that in without them knowing. Right. So you're in the bathroom. I'm assuming
doing more lines. Yes. For the first like three days that I'm there then I impulsively just flush
the bag which is like stop. Good. That's a good decision. I detoxed for like I think like seven or
(47:41):
eight days. That's a long detox. And a force vet myself but then enjoyed eating again. For my first
month there I stayed I stayed at this treatment center for three months. I did not want to be there.
Like I had to bite myself to stay. I wanted to leave. I'm even prouder of you that you got through
(48:07):
it then. Thank you. I was also on the wrong medication. They put me on meds that were not sitting
well with me and drove me fucking crazy. But I learned more from this program than I did in the eight
months at my last place. What are some things you learned? Just a lot more about how important
(48:30):
my trans identity is and how much of a role it's played in my addiction because it was a LGBTQ
treatment center like you have to be in the community to be there. Also just the way they were in
their groups the education they gave they didn't just focus on drugs and alcohol they focused on
(48:52):
what does sobriety look like in life? What does sex look like with sobriety? What does socializing
look like with sobriety? What do relationships look like? Trilation shifts. They're looking at the
whole person here. Exactly. And they're looking specifically at you. And there were small groups. There's
a small treatment center. So each had our own real relationships with the people that work there.
(49:15):
They took me to queer AA meetings which was so key in the sobriety I have now. I got to go,
first of all I was so resentful towards AA when I first got there I was like no, not going back.
Don't want to go to AA. I don't believe in God. Fuck that shit. And then of course I went to my first
meeting and I was like, "Oh, I kind of missed this. This was great." The 12 steps are what saved my life
(49:40):
now twice. Do you tell people you did 24 steps? That's actually really funny. I should.
But meetings became a part of my, it's a huge part of my life, my daily routine. I got to build a
genuine community of people that understood all of me. Yes, all of you. They understood all of you.
(50:05):
Exactly. And so I'm back with my original sponsor who had gotten it with the year and a half. The one
that I had. Okay, not the woman that like, technically. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't even count her.
You should have. No. The one through a year and a half. And I still, I'm still working with him.
Good. Fucking love him. I call him every day. Keep doing that. Yeah. And I work the steps of this
(50:30):
program, which are all about taking accountability for yourself and your actions, finding and believing in
a higher power of your understanding, making amends with people that you have harmed,
including yourself. Especially yourself. Yes. The forgiveness of self is the most probably
(50:51):
important step you could complete. It's a big one. I'm starting to, basically in AA meetings at
the end of most meetings, people have commitments at meetings. So they are committed to doing a certain
thing at a certain meeting every week. Every week at this meeting, you come and make the coffee for
(51:11):
the meeting. Or the sponsorship commitment is when what I was about to say is you make an announcement
that having a sponsor is a really important part of the program. There's someone that guides you
through the 12 steps, the program. And if anybody in that meeting is willing and able to sponsor,
somebody they can raise their hand and show that they're available. So now I raise my hand at meetings.
(51:36):
So people know that I'm available. And if somebody who's new or returning or whoever is curious
about having me as a sponsor, they can come to me. And are we going in person for AA? Yes, as much as I
can. Good. Is it a queer AA? Most of my meetings are. I have a balance because a lot of queer AA is a lot
(51:58):
of cis gay men. I'm sure. But that's a huge part of my community now. But yeah, there are some trans
meetings that I go to and some men's only some straight meetings. I like to have a mix.
And you should, whatever you want to be in and feel comfortable in, that's the only takeaway from that.
(52:18):
Yeah. And now I have 301 days, sobers, almost 10 months. Say that again. 301 days, sober.
Yeah. Look at you. Very, very grateful. And I went from having lost an apartment and so much
to now having this new apartment that you're in. Beautiful setup. You've got your cat. I've got my
(52:44):
kitty. You look phenomenal. Thank you. Which should never be something you depend on someone else to say,
but you are in such a good place. And I really couldn't be proud of you. I didn't know the depth of all
of this. Thanks. And for you to share this with me and with the listeners is such a testament that you
can work your way through dark times, you can curve ball, anything that comes your way. If you're
(53:09):
willing to put in the time and you have the tools and resources in the community to do so. It's that willingness
that is so key. And the things that you do to maintain that because I lose motivation in
willingness to do things all the fucking time. But because I've built a foundation, support,
(53:30):
community, knowledge, service, all these other things that contribute to me wanting
and willing to be sober, I can get that back. I just have to remind myself of where I was.
And there are a lot of days where I'll get a craving to drink or use. And I'll have very selective
(53:51):
memory about drinking and using. And only remember the good times. Only remember when it was fun.
And that voice in my head will try to convince me that I can go back out there and do things
differently this time. But I now know that I cannot. This last relapse taught me everything I needed to know.
(54:15):
I'm so grateful for it. It sucked. But I learned everything I needed to. I learned that I cannot control
myself when I drink and I do drugs. I cannot do one of anything in my life. This extends beyond
substances. And once you get into sobriety, the work really becomes how you're able to
(54:39):
recognize your addictive personality and how it shows up in other area. And learning how
to not feel the need to feel more than all the time or live in extremes. You have to learn
how to just be. Yeah. And be okay with just being okay. That's so hard for someone like me. Like I
(55:07):
always want to feel better and better and more and more and more. There's a perfectionist in you
that speaks to and that that preaches to. But something that I was told pretty early on in life is
you have to learn to exist without erasing the s. I like that. That's really cool. If I can impart
(55:28):
that on you, I don't know. You don't need that message today, but you really are doing the damn thing.
Oh, I need it every day. I need that message every day. Every day, I have to remember and retell
myself, like, reconvence myself of the fact that I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs. But what
(55:53):
that means to me is that if you put one drink or one line or one pill in my system, I am powerless
over what happens next. And my life will become unmanageable. That's the first step of A-A is admitting
that you are powerless over drugs and alcohol and that your life is or will become unmanageable. And
(56:15):
I have all the evidence I need. You do 100%. And that's not to say that like, my life still can't
become unmanageable. It certainly has and I've gotten through it, you know. And that's because of
the steps in my program, the people in my life, my higher power. There's a lot of things in it that
(56:36):
goes back to kind of what I was saying at the very beginning of this is there's there's nothing in
life that you have to do alone. And there's nothing in life that will come out better because you've
done it alone, in my opinion. Like, I think everybody needs to get better at accepting help
and being comfortable with having other people and other things contribute to their success that
(57:02):
not everything has to just be done by yourself. Now we talked about something on the onset and this
is a this isn't really a lightweight to end the conversation, but I think it's an important way to
end the conversation. When you discuss your transness and we talk about sobriety and finding that
whole self has the sobriety changed at all your view of yourself in any way as a trans person. Yeah.
(57:28):
Sorry, I'm hitting my vape. No, he's doing a line.
The secret to sobriety is vape. It's sobriety is absolutely played a really important role in me
learning to love myself and like myself and want things that are good for myself. And as I've gotten
(57:54):
older, I've just become more and more proud of the fact that I'm trans, that I've been through what
I've been through and I've gotten through it, that I'm able to have the life that I have today as a
trans person, the support that I have, the relationships that I have had and that I do have, you know,
(58:15):
obviously things in our country right now are not in a really good place for people in my community.
That being said, I am amazed at the progress we've made socially around accepting and understanding
trans people and the bravery that there is of so many more trans people being willing to open up
(58:44):
about their identities and their stories. I'm just overwhelmed by how many trans people are out
spoken now. It's fucking crazy to me because it's beautiful. Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, but I wish
I'd had that as a kid, but I'm so happy that there is that now for other kids. Yes, you know,
(59:08):
may the momentum continue and may the growth of whatever society's not grasping yet continue to
be propelled towards understanding it and accepting it because duh. It's annoying to witness the slow
progress, but if you're able to say, you know, I'm seeing it is better and it's getting better
(59:29):
in some regards, that's the takeaway. Yeah, growth is never linear. Right. Progress is not perfection. Period.
That's it. Beautiful. That was good. Love you Adam. Oh, I love you. I'm really proud of you. Thank you,
man. Wow, wow, wow. This was a powerful set of episodes. Thank you, Ari Zizzo, for your honesty.
(59:50):
We're really proud of where you are. May your journey continue to be easier from here on out.
We don't want to play any pressure, but can you hear everybody from their homes just cheering you on?
We're cheering for you. And we're going to go stream your music. Right, everyone? Ari Zizzo,
A-r-i, Z-i-z-z-o. Now, if you or someone that you know is struggling with addiction,
seek professional assistance. This is sort of your sign today. This is your flag. Please go out.
(01:00:15):
Ari has advocated for the 12-step program, which is AA. There are multitudes of different types
of groups that meet. There are women's groups. There are men's groups. There are LGBTQ groups.
So, you know, go. It's specific just like therapy. You owe it to yourself to do the work.
We'll see you next time. Or we'll hear you. You'll hear us next time. You won't see us. I keep
(01:00:38):
forgetting. It's not a fucking video, Adam. Do you think the podcast just fell out of a coconut tree?
Hey, welcome back to the podcast and if you're in the know, then you know today is part two.
(00:04):
So it's basically not you've got an hour. It's got you've got two hours with Ari's iso as our guest.
He's a pop star and it's important that we discuss all of this to its fullest extent because this is Ari's truth.
This is Ari's journey and if you or someone that you love is going through addiction,
maybe you will see some encouragement about coming out on the other side of this.
(00:24):
And of course as I was starting to ramp up into what I was saying, it sounded like there was a
freaking tornado out. Did you know we were sponsored by Twisters? Wow. I'm safe. Everything's good.
Let's launch into the conversation. If you didn't hear the first part of the conversation,
what are you doing? Go back and listen to it. There was a really fun game there. There will be no
game in this part. We're just having the conversation. You've got an hour. This is Adam Griffin with Ari's iso.
(00:47):
The pandemic hit and my girlfriend at the time had just moved out to LA to live with me.
So I was living with her in like a townhouse thing with three other guys who were like some of my best
friends and it was really fun. You know, we just know responsibilities, income for no fucking reason
(01:10):
and a lot of alcohol. So every day I was like, I can wake up and drink. Fuck yeah. So I would be drunk all day.
Drunk all night. Started getting into mushrooms. Then got out of mushrooms because they fucking
freak me out. Yeah, the scary thing about something psychedelic is that you have to look internally.
(01:30):
Yep. And if you're not liking what you're seeing, nope, you're stuck. Yeah. My drinking got
heavier and heavier and heavier. And I didn't realize that my partner, she was noticing things because
she just didn't say anything. She comes from a family of alcoholics like mom's alcoholic,
biological father's alcoholic with stage four cirrhosis. Her stepdad's an alcoholic.
(01:54):
Three of her grandparents died from alcoholism. Both her brothers are like more veterans with PTSD
and alcoholics. So like now her boyfriend's an alcoholic. Not great. Yeah, we're kind of testing
some things here. Yeah. And I didn't think about that because I didn't think I was an alcoholic.
I just was like, I drink a lot. So does everybody else because like, truth be told, so does everybody else.
(02:15):
Right. At least in my life. Was she sober? She didn't drink. Okay. So in recovery, we call that being
like a dry drunk, basically like you don't use the substances, but you don't work a program.
But not everybody needs to work a program. She wasn't an addict. She was like absent from it because
of the examples in her life. Yep. And she didn't make alcohol a matter of feel. But you know,
here's me drinking a 12 pack of white clause every day, filling them up with vodka, passing out instead of
(02:40):
falling asleep. You know, I would drink before I ate and would drink all through the night and make
myself stay up really late so that I didn't have to wake up with a hangover. I started getting a lot of
weight. Things are starting to get bad. And then in early 2021, one of my childhood best friends
(03:01):
died suddenly from a heroin overdose. Oh, no. Yeah. And she had had four years sober. And I was one of
the first people to find out. And I was a fucking mess like a wreck about it. I'd never
lost someone that close to me. I mean, I'd lost, you know, like my grandparents, my ex-girlfriends mom
(03:26):
who I was very close with lost her to cancer. Like, I'd lost people, but this was a loss that was
utterly devastating. And I had to tell our whole friend group that she died.
Which was a lot. I flew back to New York for a funeral. I held like a little memorial thing with all
(03:48):
of our friends. I was like in a blackout the whole time I was there. And I got back to LA. Blackout
from alcohol. Blackout from grief. Both. Got back to LA felt incredibly alone because I was
away from all the people who knew her and her family and my family.
(04:09):
And I just started to spiral like really spiral. I got really like suicidal. I started self-harming
which I have a little bit of history with when I was younger. And just
sobbing and drinking at all times. It just got really, really, really, really, really dark.
That's when my girlfriend kind of said something to me, which was like you need help. And
(04:37):
you have a problem with alcohol. And I woke up one morning. I'd kind of seen what I had done to
myself the night before. Like I'd really like cut myself a lot. And I decided to call
a really close friend of mine who I knew had gone to rehab and asked her if she thought I should go to
(05:00):
rehab. I just needed somebody to tell me to go. And so Google Rehabs in LA and committed myself
to treatment in like April of 2021. I took all the rest of my adderol drink. Everything I possibly had
was like like my final hurrah. Yes. An absolute drunk mess. And my dad and my brother all
(05:26):
to see me like that and helped me load my things into a car and go to rehab. So the first time I got
sober was in April. They drove you, right? Yeah. Okay. I don't drive. Yes. Thank God. It was a reason for that.
My first sobriety date was April 16th of 2021. I went to Westwind Recovery, Shoutout Westwind Recovery.
What is that? Is that in LA? Yep. It's a rehab out here. I went into their detox. It was still at the
(05:52):
end of the pandemic. So we were kind of like confined to this house for like three weeks straight.
So it was in a home. It wasn't in a rehab facilitation center. It was like in a proper home. Look like a
home. Right. So a lot of rehabs out here are in like very like upscale houses. So you'll like live
there for a period of time. And then you'll do you'll live in like a sober living home and do outpatient
(06:17):
rehab, which is at like a facility, like in a building with little offices and rooms where you have
groups and stuff. The rehab itself consists of a detox house, which you know, they have a full staff
and nurses that watch you. You know, your drug tested daily. When you come into rehab,
you're like strip searched. They have to go through all your things. Very lengthy like intake process.
(06:40):
They make sure you have all of your prescribed medication. They have you on certain medication
to detox you off of whatever substances you're on. I mean, when I came in there, I hadn't slept in a
couple days. It was on a lot of Adderall, a lot of alcohol. I hadn't eaten. Thought I was having a hard
attack. Like, you know, I was not in good shape. But I went to my first AA meeting that night.
(07:03):
I really wanted it. I wanted to try something I had never tried before, which was
sobriety, like living my life without relying on things outside of myself to get me through my own problems
and to find happiness and to find inspiration. Yeah, and sitting with ourselves without any
(07:24):
distraction is incredibly uncomfortable. Yes. Borderline tortures. But that's where the growth comes.
Exactly. So that's amazing that you really wanted it that first time. Thanks. Yeah, I'm very grateful
that I wanted it. And I had a lot of people in my life who loved me that wanted it for me.
My parents had no idea I had problems. I had to like tell them, which is really interesting.
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Oh, I cannot imagine the weight of that conversation. Yeah, it was it was sad. My parents were really
heartbroken, but really happy that I wanted help. So I went through the detox house. Then I went through
kind of like a middle ground house that called PHP's partial hospitalization program. So it's like
(08:09):
in between being monitored 24/7, having all your stuff locked away, including your phone, your
meds, your clothes, all that stuff. And having a tiny bit more freedom. That's also when you start
going outpatient. PHP house, you live in the house, you're still monitored a lot. You are under
a schedule. They transport you to and from places, but you're doing groups at the outpatient facility.
(08:32):
Next step down is going into a sober living house. Westroom recovery had five different houses.
So clients were placed in different houses. I mean, you don't really have a pick of that.
No, they put they place a place you can like ask to be transferred somewhere. If there's like
a specific reason that you feel you need to be there, like if there's a tech that you have a really
(08:56):
strong relationship with or the majority of your friends in recovery are there. They want to keep
you in your community. Yeah, so they had me in their like LGBT house. They were very like LGBTQ
friendly and focused. Good. And I had a lot of that clientele. I hope that was the right fit,
(09:16):
that house. It was great. Good. I moved in there when I had 90 days of sobriety. So first house was like
two weeks to a month, second house was a month. Now I'm in sober living, which is like final boss.
Yeah, and I could stay at sober living for up to a year. But at that point, they transport me to and
(09:38):
from outpatient, which we call IOP intensive outpatient. We love an acronym. Oh yeah, I'm there for
from like eight thirty to three every day. And then I can kind of do whatever I want. So my ex-girlfriend,
girlfriend at the time would come pick me up. We'd hang out at home. I'd get to see mango. I started
(09:59):
looking into getting a job going to the gym constantly. I lost a lot of weight. I got, yeah, I got really
in shape. And just continued to go to A meetings every day. We were required to go to a set number of
meetings. There were house managers that monitored our meds. They would drug test us. There was a
(10:19):
curfew. Yada, yada, yada. So I stayed in that treatment program for eight months. And by the end of
that program, I had a job. I was only doing outpatient for like three days a week. So they really like
we were being weed up by step exactly. So then I graduated their program at about I think like nine
(10:44):
months sober. Who's paying for all of those insurance? Okay, that's good. Yeah, out of pocket,
these places are insane. No, it's not good. It's not good. But a lot of them accept a wide variety
of insurance plans, which is great. But yeah, I got I got home was
renavigating a relationship with my girlfriend at the time who was also sober and like we got to have
(11:06):
a really exciting and new chapter in our relationship. It was amazing. She was all supportive and
loving and proud and wonderful. She was my best friend. Things were really great. I had a full
time job, you know, as making more music, paying my bills and happy relationship, going to A meetings
(11:35):
a lot. So here are the boxes. They're checked. They're checked. They're checked. Right. I had a year of
sobriety finished my my 12 steps started sponsoring people. Wow. And a sponsor in alcoholics and
anonymous for those who don't know is like someone with a little more sober time than you that
(11:56):
kind of takes you under their wing and guides you through the 12 steps of the program.
And they're the person that you reach out to first if you need it. They're like a mentor. Yeah. They're
like a Yoda. You know, it's a way for you to consistently be of service to other people who need it.
Did you like doing that? I loved doing it. I love I love helping other people. It's like my
(12:20):
favorite thing to do. But yeah, everything was going well and then my relationship I got really sick
for the last month of our relationship and like a COVID thing or what? I got Norovirus and then I got
something like COVID. So I was very depressed and like isolated. And my ex at the time was not
(12:46):
around very often. She was spending a lot of her time with another guy. It was weird. I just thought
it was weird at the time. I was trying not to think too far into it because in the past I'd had
issues with her and other guys. And I'm not that type of dude that gives a shit if his girlfriend
(13:06):
has male friends. I don't fucking care. But she was very secretive and weird about her and like
way too intimate with these guys. Like her first guy friend out here was a 50 year old married man.
And they were text all the time and go out together all the time and I never met him or even knew what
he looked like. So just got a lot of gray area there. Exactly. So I was trying to look at this relationship
(13:32):
from a different lens. She'd been a lot better about handling it. He had a girlfriend.
We'll also long term girlfriend time and we would do like a couple things together. But at the end
of that month things just completely fell apart. Like I still to this day don't really know what
happened. One morning she woke up after like the night before she had ditched our plans to hang out
(13:59):
with this guy. Which really hurt me. She got home until like four in the morning and was very cold when
she got home. And the next morning she woke up and was like can we talk. Things have been remember
that's lately. And I was like well yeah fucking yes. Talk to me about it. We got on a whole fight. She
hinted at wanting to be free and explore as she was in her 20s and wanted to do all these things and
(14:23):
travel. And I was like great. I want you to do all those things. I don't feel like we need to break
up to do those things. And she just I don't think she knew how to tell me that she wanted to leave.
But I knew and I had a complete breakdown about it because she had broken up with me once before
back in 2019. We were doing long distances before she moved out to LA with me. And she pulled the
(14:49):
whole like I want to be free. I want to explore sexually with people and like it crushed me.
Was an open relationship ever a topic? No I wouldn't be cool with that. You that's not for you.
No absolutely. But was it ever from her and like is that something that you're going to need because
that won't work for me? No. No no no that discussion. No problem. She just kind of disappeared.
(15:10):
And then came running back like a month later like I'm so sorry I made the worst mistake of my life.
It's always been you. And I was like hesitant but took her back. Anyway yeah this was happening again.
Except this time we've now lived together for over three years. We had a cat together. We share
everything. We're planning on getting engaged. I've been through treatment once. Yeah I'm sober.
(15:30):
You've been my partner for that. Exactly. So I like broke down. I was like oh my god you're
gonna leave me again. And she was like no I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not and then
three days later I come back from a camping trip with my treatment center. And she was like I love you
but I have to learn to love myself. Okay. And I was like I don't know what that means but okay what do
(15:55):
you need? And she was like I need to leave. I'm leaving tonight. And she abrupt? Yes. And she was like your
best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the most wonderful man. Like I love you so much
but I feel like I don't know who I am and I'm scared of who I am and I need to go figure that out.
(16:17):
So she had a lot of growth left in her journey and had never really gone to therapy and I'd
been slowly encouraging her over the years to really look into helping herself. But you know through
treatment you can't do someone of this journey with me exactly. So you know I was just I was
devastated you know and that night I was kind of like you know I want this to be my turn now to be
(16:42):
your rock while you go and do this work on yourself for however long it takes and I'll be here and
she was like okay. And I was like me and mango are here for you take whatever space you need.
Let me know over this next week like what your plans are you know if you need help packing
(17:04):
she told me she was going to go back to New York the following week to just be home with her family
and look into treatment and made these promises to me. She left the apartment she said I love you
and then I didn't hear from her for about a week. Okay. Found out she had been at a rave the whole time
(17:25):
with this guy. I don't understand the propensity. You know I don't know where her journey was I can't
be in her shoes but that would feel like a lie to me and I'm sure it seems like you're still
reeling with that. What I hope that I know we're getting into it with the relationship dynamic but
I hope that at some point you can let go of what could have been what happened all of
(17:47):
half. Okay. I'm just going over this because it leads to my relapse. It was so fucking devastating.
Like she left that day and I quite literally never saw her again. I had to pack all of her things for
her. She lied to me about where she was. So she had left a bunch of stuff you had to pack a
ship it to somewhere. All of her stuff. So I had to go through all of her belongings, all of the
(18:13):
gifts I've given her, all of our things together, take down all the pictures, all the art,
stuff it in the closet and wait for her to come get it and she refused to come when I was going to be
there. For how long did that go on for? Took her about three months to come and get her shit.
And she's not paying rent on the place. No. Her mom had to cover all that for her because she wouldn't
(18:37):
pay. Meanwhile she had already gotten a new place with a roommate, gotten a new cat. And you found out
through someone else I'm sure. Yeah. And because everybody that was in our circle was like
shocked and devastated her family was shocked and devastated. My family was shocked.
Oh yeah, you've been in each other's life for so long. I'm sure you were intertwined and talking to
(19:01):
the mom and yeah, she was clearly seeing this guy. I found out that he had broken up with his
girlfriend two days before she dumped me. And now she was like half living with him, half living in
this new apartment. They're like, what is true? What is the reality? What's been going on?
Exactly. Basically just like pretending that I don't exist. And that's what hurt the most was
(19:24):
that like how could we go from what we had to it ending with that conversation that I didn't think
was negative to you now treating me like trash. And I couldn't handle not having any answers,
not the not knowing the wondering and living in our apartment. Yeah, you needed to wake up in our bed
(19:50):
every single day. There were a lot of other little things that happened that she did that were
awful. But basically I like white knuckled this for about three to four months. I had grown a
stray from AA from my community to slowly isolated, got very depressed. I ended up relapsing
(20:16):
in August of 2022 while I was up in Maine at our summer home. And like around your family.
I snuck out of my house, took a bunch of Bud lights, stuffed them in my pants and ran into the woods.
(20:36):
What was that moment like when you were like, okay, this is what I'm doing. I've been sober for
X amount of time now. Almost a year and a half. It felt so surreal. I'll never forget
it. Yes, I'll never forget looking down at the Bud Light Cannon cracking and opening and being like,
oh my god, I'm doing this right now. I didn't even feel like I was doing it. You wanted to drive
(20:57):
us. Yeah, I had I had lost that battle to my disease completely. I remember when the switch flipped
in my head and it was like, I am going to drink. And there was nothing that was going to stop me.
Nothing. Nobody could have stopped me. And I got drunk and I was so happy. I was so I felt relief
(21:21):
for the first time. A false sense of relief. A false sense of liberation. Right. Right.
I immediately told my brother and my dad that I drank within like five days. I was a sobbing drunk
mess. Oh, so you went on a full bender? Yes. And I went back to LA and it was like, I'm done.
(21:42):
I fucked up. I don't want this. I'm ready to go to a fucking meeting. I'm done. This was so stupid.
And that's probably why they let you on the plane with that intention, right? Well, that and like,
my mom just wanted me to go home like be with my dad, get back to familiarity, not be stuck in the
middle of Maine. Like an emotional wreck. I needed to be near my community. But that day, I ended up
(22:07):
going out and drinking and getting so drunk that I ended up in the hospital. First day that I'm back in
LA. My dad came and saw me like filmed me and like babbling in a wheelchair, which I'm still kind of
pissed about. But that he filmed it. Yeah. Did he film it with the intention of you need to see this
whenever you think about doing it exactly? Okay. Yes, which I get. But very harsh to look at. Yeah,
(22:31):
I'd still have it and I don't care too. I don't need to. But so. And I hope you never do. That
led me to being done. I got about six days over. Went to a liquor store. A bunch of booze. Started
drinking again. Started going out and drinking, making new friends that didn't really know my past.
(22:57):
So I didn't really have to explain to them that I had had a problem with alcohol and should be drinking.
That escalated to October of that year. I got so black out drunk and so suicidal that I attempted
to take my own life. And then I realized that I had done that and got scared. So I called 911.
(23:21):
On myself, I drank like half a bottle of rubbing alcohol and like self-harmed really bad. So I got
5150, which is like a mandatory psychiatric hold. It took me to a psych hospital. When I got into
the hospital, they said I blew over four times the legal limit. Was in the psych hospital for three days,
(23:42):
came home was when the cops came to take me from my apartment. I was like sitting in my underwear in
my own vomit and blood and like incoherent. And they like ripped me off the floor, handcuffed me and
took me out of my apartment with no shoes and no clothes. Nothing. Not in my glass. Nothing about 911.
(24:04):
They don't care. No. Well, they're doing it for my own safety, which I understand because they
don't know what they're coming into. They're just doing their fucking job. I don't understand it. They
don't have enough of their training to process that better than they do. And that's not the way to do it.
Absolutely. Um, yes. So when I was at the psych ward and when they released me, I had not my glasses
(24:25):
all weekend. So I literally couldn't see anything for three days. And because I didn't have clothes,
I had to go home in a cab with my hospital gown and grippy socks and hospital pants on.
If you don't write a book, I don't know who will. It was so embarrassing. You've got guy
interrupted as the title for this all over it. I mean, this is just really keep going. It was
(24:48):
gnarly. I got home that day. I felt really bad. I had a new roommate who had to witness all of this.
And so I had to immediately apologize to her. And she was really cool and chill. And she was like,
don't lie to me again. Like you don't need to hide the shit from me.
Get there. Something going on. Tell me. How did you know this roommate? I met her through a person
(25:08):
IP aid with. Okay. Yeah. She was also worked with somebody on set. And then this was a recommendation
for rooming with. Yes. And I met with her. We chilled. She's awesome. I still love her. I got back into AA.
Didn't go to treatment because I didn't have health insurance.
As we're over 26 now, right? Yes. You were on the parents insurance when you did correct. Got it. I
(25:33):
really dove into going to AA. But was only doing it on zoom because I didn't have a car.
Did not have a lot of sober friends at all. All my friends that I went to treatment with
relapsed. So I had no real in-person community. So I lasted about five months. And then one night,
(25:55):
my new sponsor pissed me off. And I Uber Eats some food and a margarita.
And that started my final relapse, which was the wildest and worst few months of my entire life.
(26:15):
That's a better teaser than I could ever have come up with myself. So Ari, great job on producing
your own segments. We'll be right back with the final part of Ari's story towards sobriety.
But first, here are some unrelated words from my mother. Hi everyone. This is Linda LaFaye and I've always
(26:35):
got something to say. Today's topic is about respect. Yes, I have talked about it before, but I'm
going to talk about it again. I'm sure you might have picked up on the fact that I am from the south.
Now, being that I'm a country girl who was raised in and still lives in the south, you might hear a
twang in my diction. Did you know that some folks instantly discount my IQ based on my pronunciation
(26:59):
and accent? Well, let me just remind you, hey, you are not always right and be. You should not judge
others period. You might also think those who have proper diction and use big words are smart.
And maybe they are. Maybe they aren't. My sweet parents used to say sometimes people with a lot of
book sense don't always have a lot of common sense. They said that to us to open up our awareness
(27:22):
that both were important. So please hear me when I say this. Would you try to pay attention to
yourself, talk? And if you're disrespecting someone even if it's only in your brain, please stop it.
Have respect for others, which means you also should respect yourself. You're welcome.
(27:42):
That was Linda Lafei. She's always got something to say and here's my dad.
The Adam remembers not how you started. It's how you end later. All right. Now back to our regularly
scheduled programming insanity. Things started off totally under my control. Normal. I was back to drinking
(28:08):
every day, but going out, making all these new friends, meeting girls, having all this fun,
was the life of the party again. About two months in, my roommate moved out to move in with her
girlfriend. So now I'm stuck in, still me in my ex's apartment. My fucking hellhole. It was literally
(28:34):
a place of so much pain. But now I couldn't swing the rent and I didn't care. How long did that go on for?
Six months? Five or six months? I had an eviction, court day, and everything, like by the end of it.
They were going to evict me. But yeah, so two months into that, I was out of house party and I met
(28:59):
this girl who was a coped dealer. So I was like, oh yeah, cocaine. I hadn't done it like six years.
I was like, yes, me. Could I try this out again? And of course, fell in love with it again. So my drug
dealer becomes one of my closest friends, which is sort of the epitome of a red flag. And to this day,
(29:23):
I love her. I think she's a lovely person that's just mixed up in subatria. No bad blood there.
I don't know if it's someone you should hang out with. No, absolutely not. But I wish her, well,
but yeah, started doing cocaine with people at parties, started getting cocaine by myself,
started doing cocaine daily, got reintroduced to Adderall, but it wasn't like real Adderall.
(29:50):
All these old demons are sneaking right back on them. I was like, oh, Adderall, but it wasn't real Adderall.
It was math and then I got really addicted to math and cocaine and I'm drinking. I was using
math and cocaine daily plus alcohol daily for close to like six months. I would stay up at first for
(30:17):
like two, three days, then three to four days and four or five days and five to six days and six to seven days.
And being bipolar type two, this is like, where's your therapist in all of this? Not. I didn't have one.
You got rid of the therapist you had since you were 14. He passed away. Oh, I'm so sorry. When did that
happen? Um, he passed away a couple of years ago while I was sober. Oh, okay. Yeah, for the first time.
(30:42):
The first time. Yes. I couldn't afford therapy anymore. I was using better help for a little while,
but I don't love the app. I'm gonna be really frank. Sure. I just didn't want it. I didn't want
fucking therapy. I wanted drugs and alcohol. I thought I was fine. I was in such denial and I just
didn't care. I didn't give a fuck about how I was doing or what I was doing. I just wanted to get high.
(31:09):
That I was completely, completely possessed by addiction. Like I felt like the real me was this little
lost glimmer floating around in this abyss of blackness. The more and more I used, the more and
more stayed up, the less and less I ate. I started to experience psychosis consistently. What did your
(31:34):
psychosis consist of? Visual and auditory hallucinations of random shit. I don't even remember half of it.
I remember once I thought my black backpack that one was a cat. It was a convinced it was a cat
for like two days that was there to hurt mango. I saw it. I saw a tail and everything. And so I like
(32:00):
didn't move from my desk because I was afraid it was going to move and attack. But not in this physical
apartment. But yeah, I would sit at my computer and write and produce music obsessively for
day straight. I made some of my favorite stuff that I've ever done, but I don't attribute that to
(32:22):
the drugs. No, you should. No. I didn't leave my apartment and physically go outside for three months.
Rock bottom was probably like the last three weeks of me being out on this run. I was doing like two
grams of cocaine by myself a day. I don't even know how much meth or like, Adderall pills, whatever they were
(32:46):
drinking way too much. But I didn't feel it because I was on so many stimulants. I was getting
increasingly paranoid that my landlords were coming after me physically to hurt me and take me out
of the apartment. I had a friend who I'd let stay with me there who wasn't paying me anything.
(33:08):
It was drinking and doing drugs with me all the time. Then this day came where one of my best
friends from treatment, our friend will reach out to us and was like, I think I'm overdosing and I
don't know what to do. Can you guys help me? I was super high. I'd been up for like five days and he was like,
are you, can you please come to me? I was like, where are you? He said, coastamasa. I lived in Burbank at the
(33:32):
time with no car and no money. I literally can't come to you, but can you come to me? Just come to my
apartment and he was like, no, I can't. I'm too fucked up. He starts responding less and less and less.
He basically, it was a major alcohol. I could just relapse, went out, bought fentanyl from somebody and
(33:54):
took way too much. I called 911. I had to argue with the dispatcher to send a cop or a paramedic to do
a welfare check because they were like, well, if he's an addict, he might just be doing it for a
tension. He might not really need help. Just awful shit. They assured me that they sent someone,
(34:15):
the sheriff who visited Will at this motel room that he was staying in in coastamasa said,
called me and said he was fine, that he was standing up and talking to him, just looked a little tired.
I was like, okay, great. He's probably faking being coherent to have you not get him in trouble.
(34:37):
Because I know for a fact that you had fentanyl in that room. They were like, well, there's nothing
we can do with something else happens. I don't think they can legally go out without a source. I know.
It's just incredibly frustrating. He continues to beg me to come and I just can't. Even if I was over,
I still couldn't have gotten there. I checked and Uber would have cost me almost $300.
(34:58):
Oh, that's insane. Yeah. And even if I had driven, it would take me like three hours to get there.
And I wanted someone to be with him immediately. Because in this situation like that, he might not
even be alive in three hours, which is exactly what happened. So Will passed, died in that motel room,
a couple days later. And this was the sequence of events that happened that following week.
(35:24):
It was like a Sunday night, a couple days after I had spoken with Will last.
I had been up, I think, for like eight days straight at that point, had eaten one meal,
had enchoured, brushed my teeth. I thought I had blood clots in my legs because my muscles were
(35:44):
cramping so bad and felt like I wasn't in my body. Like was constantly poking myself to feel that I was
still there, hearing things, seeing things, all that jazz. And the only way I was able to sleep when I
would do this was to take Xanax bars, but they were like fake Xanax bars. And I had done so much cocaine
(36:11):
and so much meth that I was scared to take the Xanax because I know that that combination can kill you.
But I didn't know any other way to go to sleep. It's like couldn't. I was so just
wider and high. But I took the Xanax bars and I got in bed and I was like fucking freaking out. And I
(36:34):
texted my dad, was like, can you please call me in the morning and if I don't answer, please come to my
apartment. Because I was afraid I wasn't going to wake up. And he was like, what are you talking about?
Like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, no, I'm fine. I just have to do something tomorrow.
Please make sure I'm awake. Didn't tell him at all woke up the next night at like 7 p.m.
(36:57):
found out my my dog of 17 years had passed away.
And I was a mess. Fucking wreck. Like this dog was everything to me and my family.
So he had passed my dad came over. I was a mess for so many reasons. I admit it's on that night
(37:17):
that I've been abusing like math and cocaine. And I didn't know what to do. I was in all this debt.
I was going to be evicted for my apartment. My dog just fucking died. I have no money, no insurance.
Like I was at the end of my rope. And I was like, I please I need help. And he was like, all right,
first things first, we need to get you out of this fucking apartment because it's killing you to be
(37:40):
here. Correct. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I find out the next day that will die. So I'm just like
getting smacked around by the universe here. And obviously just used hell of fucking drugs and
drank a lot over all of this. Come Friday. This was like a Monday I found out about my dog.
Tuesday I find out about Will. Friday is move out day. I hadn't slept since the previous Sunday.
(38:09):
And so the movers come that morning at like eight in the morning. I'm like hooked and tweaking out,
trying to help them move three years worth of shit. But also like not really processing that I'm
actually leaving this last piece that I had of my relationship for good. They leave everything hits me.
(38:35):
And I call my mom and I just had a full breakdown like mental breakdown.
Percipitated withdrawal immediately like had this really scary panic attack while I'm high on all
these things. I'm just in this empty apartment. And I'm like, that person is really gone. That
(38:56):
relationship is really over. My dog is really dead. My friend is really dead. I am going to die.
Bottom. And then I was calling my dad to ask him to come over because I was completely alone in
an empty apartment. Well, where were you planning to go? I was going to go to his house. You were.
Okay. So that was the plan. And then go to treatment. I like 40% wanted to 60% knew I needed to.
(39:24):
Like I was afraid to die. You know, as I'm on the phone with my dad, I start having a seizure.
And I asked him to call 911. And like I was no longer able to talk. I couldn't open my mouth.
So I texted one of my neighbors, help. And she like came over. I was like kind of frozen, like stuck.
(39:46):
And paramedics came. It was the same guys that had come and cuffed me when I had gotten 50.
Oh, wait. What are the odds of that? Same officers. Yeah. That is so. And they were like, hey man,
we know you. And they were like, oh, sweet and supportive and. They didn't handcuff you this time.
No, because it wasn't a 50 150. This was like a medical emergency. Good. Not good that it was a medical
(40:12):
emergency. No, I'm just glad that at least that one tiny component is out of the picture. Yeah. I told
them that I hadn't slept in like five days that I hadn't eaten in five days. I didn't know.
Last time I had water. I told them where my drugs were. I told them what my drugs were.
They put me in a stretcher. It's like me. The ER. I've never been in more like discomfort and pain
(40:38):
in my life. And they finally got me into like a room where they were able to give me some
medication to like stop the seizures, stop my body from seizing up so that I could like relax and
open my mouth so that I could eat. Nurse had to come over and like massage my jaw so that my mouth
(40:58):
would open. Problem is the drugs they gave me to relax became part of the cocktail of things I had
already consumed. So I immediately went into severe psychosis. And I don't remember much of it.
My dad said I was saying really insane things. I tell you what I do remember is I heard three of my
(41:24):
friends voices in the hospital. I heard them. They weren't actually there. But I heard them talking
to me in the hospital and was convinced they were there to hurt me because I left the apartment.
Next thing I remember is I was on a different floor and I thought they were bringing me to rehab
in the hospital. I was looking into this other room and there was it's always a fucking black backpacks.
(41:47):
But there was a black backpack on the fucking. Maybe we need to get to a yellow back. Maybe there
was a black backpack. I was convinced it was my friend Sam and that he was there and he was hiding
behind a backpack because he's famous and didn't want anybody to see he was there. But that he was
now going to rehab with me and we were going to go to rehab together. So I like walked into the room
(42:08):
and went up to the woman at the desk and I was like that's my friend like pointed to the backpack and
she was just like staring at me and I was like no like you know her stand like that's that Sam.
Like kept trying to convince her that my friend Sam was there but I could hear his girlfriend
Shannon in the other room like talking with a doctor and they asked where to be back to my bed.
(42:32):
Blackout then I'm in my own room. I remember I was picking apart my hospital beds looking for cocaine
like pulling apart pieces of the bed because I knew there were drugs hidden in there. I was like who
doesn't keep drugs in their bed and I could hear my friends yelling louder and louder and louder
(42:54):
through the other side of the wall banging on the walls scratching on the walls. I was terrified
that they were there and they were going to kill me so I pulled a social worker in my nurse. I was
like banging the button and I was like they're here like they're going to kill me and they were like
honey there's nobody here and I was like no you don't understand they are please go look up all
(43:14):
the people that you have admitted in this hospital and prove to me that they aren't here so they did
and they were like they're not on this list honey they're not here. That was my first night. My second
night I don't remember anything except for a small fragment of a memory where I thought I heard
someone getting slapped in the hallway so I got up to try and go help them but there was nobody
getting slapped in the hallway and the nurses ended up having to restrain me to my bed. There was
(43:40):
also a camera at the end of my bed that watched me 24/7. So that whenever I tried to move or pick
apart the bed again a voice would come over and tell me to stop. I bet that triggered the psychosis
first. Beyond. Sort of what you don't want to do is have voices that aren't in the room when you
have psychosis. Yeah. Would be nice. I ended up asking for the hospitals pastor priest or whatever
(44:08):
to come speak to me because I was so desperate. But no rabbi what's going on here? What kind of hospitals
this? I remember him visually I don't remember what we talked about that and I was there for six days
two of my buddies came and picked me up from the hospital went back to my empty apartment because I
saw some things to get and immediately went and found my drugs. Railed some lines, took some meth.
(44:33):
They did or you did? I did. Oh. Cracked open a white claw and my friends were like
I was like yeah I'm fucking fine I'm going to rehab in like a week I'm gonna fucking send it.
So I did all the rest of my drugs went to my dad's house stayed up for the entire week I was at my
dad's house doing drugs in the bathroom there. My dad absolutely knew what I was doing but had no
(44:56):
way to like actually call me out on it because I was good at hiding everything. How did you get drugs
into your dad's house? So my dealer different dealer would just Uber packages to me.
So I went out for one last night with a couple of my friends to drink on the beach
and we ordered a brick of cocaine. Oh my and took it to the beach and we're just
(45:21):
stayed up all night. Tried to do as much of it as I could. Honey I don't know how you like to stay up
if I don't sleep I'm not there. Oh same now I'm sleep is everything to me. Yeah I ended up going
to my dad's neighbor's house doing drugs with him giving him some of the drugs took a new bird
or you have. You dad didn't drive you? No. And I think he was just over my shit. He was overwhelmed
(45:43):
and he's at the breaking point pretty much. Yeah. So in my Uber I just tell the Uber driver
everything. I'm like I'm going to rehab where I'm so fucked up right now and he was like laughing and
shit. I was like low-key doing bumps of cocaine in the car and like drinking a white clot in my
backpack. At the end of the Uber ride. Okay now I'm starting to see why your dad didn't take you. Yes.
(46:04):
Uber drops me off in front of rehab. I gave Uber driver what I thought was the rest of my cocaine
and and a white claw. I shot gunned one last white claw in front of the rehab. I shot gunned a white
claw in front of the rehab. Yes I needed you to hear that back because that is such a visual.
(46:27):
It certainly was. I also sliced my thumb opening the can so I'm just like that's god telling me to
stop getting a rehab. They have me like take off all my clothes and change into a gown. But where they
messed up was they let me change into bathroom. So I found another bag of coke. In my pants they didn't
want to make me get like naked because I'm trans. I understand that but it's a rehab facility and
(46:53):
they've got to check their protocols. Oh yeah. But they had me hand like all of my clothes to them and
they went through all of my shit. They had me turn my pockets inside out but I had a secret pocket in my
pants. Boy oh boy. Do we have some lessons that they need to learn? It was wild. It was wild. You had a
secret pocket and you sew it in or it was part of the pants. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know how far we were
(47:15):
getting into this. Like you sewed a pocket in. No no. I totally would have though. So they messed up.
They allowed you to bring that in without them knowing. Right. So you're in the bathroom. I'm assuming
doing more lines. Yes. For the first like three days that I'm there then I impulsively just flush
the bag which is like stop. Good. That's a good decision. I detoxed for like I think like seven or
(47:41):
eight days. That's a long detox. And a force vet myself but then enjoyed eating again. For my first
month there I stayed I stayed at this treatment center for three months. I did not want to be there.
Like I had to bite myself to stay. I wanted to leave. I'm even prouder of you that you got through
(48:07):
it then. Thank you. I was also on the wrong medication. They put me on meds that were not sitting
well with me and drove me fucking crazy. But I learned more from this program than I did in the eight
months at my last place. What are some things you learned? Just a lot more about how important
(48:30):
my trans identity is and how much of a role it's played in my addiction because it was a LGBTQ
treatment center like you have to be in the community to be there. Also just the way they were in
their groups the education they gave they didn't just focus on drugs and alcohol they focused on
(48:52):
what does sobriety look like in life? What does sex look like with sobriety? What does socializing
look like with sobriety? What do relationships look like? Trilation shifts. They're looking at the
whole person here. Exactly. And they're looking specifically at you. And there were small groups. There's
a small treatment center. So each had our own real relationships with the people that work there.
(49:15):
They took me to queer AA meetings which was so key in the sobriety I have now. I got to go,
first of all I was so resentful towards AA when I first got there I was like no, not going back.
Don't want to go to AA. I don't believe in God. Fuck that shit. And then of course I went to my first
meeting and I was like, "Oh, I kind of missed this. This was great." The 12 steps are what saved my life
(49:40):
now twice. Do you tell people you did 24 steps? That's actually really funny. I should.
But meetings became a part of my, it's a huge part of my life, my daily routine. I got to build a
genuine community of people that understood all of me. Yes, all of you. They understood all of you.
(50:05):
Exactly. And so I'm back with my original sponsor who had gotten it with the year and a half. The one
that I had. Okay, not the woman that like, technically. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't even count her.
You should have. No. The one through a year and a half. And I still, I'm still working with him.
Good. Fucking love him. I call him every day. Keep doing that. Yeah. And I work the steps of this
(50:30):
program, which are all about taking accountability for yourself and your actions, finding and believing in
a higher power of your understanding, making amends with people that you have harmed,
including yourself. Especially yourself. Yes. The forgiveness of self is the most probably
(50:51):
important step you could complete. It's a big one. I'm starting to, basically in AA meetings at
the end of most meetings, people have commitments at meetings. So they are committed to doing a certain
thing at a certain meeting every week. Every week at this meeting, you come and make the coffee for
(51:11):
the meeting. Or the sponsorship commitment is when what I was about to say is you make an announcement
that having a sponsor is a really important part of the program. There's someone that guides you
through the 12 steps, the program. And if anybody in that meeting is willing and able to sponsor,
somebody they can raise their hand and show that they're available. So now I raise my hand at meetings.
(51:36):
So people know that I'm available. And if somebody who's new or returning or whoever is curious
about having me as a sponsor, they can come to me. And are we going in person for AA? Yes, as much as I
can. Good. Is it a queer AA? Most of my meetings are. I have a balance because a lot of queer AA is a lot
(51:58):
of cis gay men. I'm sure. But that's a huge part of my community now. But yeah, there are some trans
meetings that I go to and some men's only some straight meetings. I like to have a mix.
And you should, whatever you want to be in and feel comfortable in, that's the only takeaway from that.
(52:18):
Yeah. And now I have 301 days, sobers, almost 10 months. Say that again. 301 days, sober.
Yeah. Look at you. Very, very grateful. And I went from having lost an apartment and so much
to now having this new apartment that you're in. Beautiful setup. You've got your cat. I've got my
(52:44):
kitty. You look phenomenal. Thank you. Which should never be something you depend on someone else to say,
but you are in such a good place. And I really couldn't be proud of you. I didn't know the depth of all
of this. Thanks. And for you to share this with me and with the listeners is such a testament that you
can work your way through dark times, you can curve ball, anything that comes your way. If you're
(53:09):
willing to put in the time and you have the tools and resources in the community to do so. It's that willingness
that is so key. And the things that you do to maintain that because I lose motivation in
willingness to do things all the fucking time. But because I've built a foundation, support,
(53:30):
community, knowledge, service, all these other things that contribute to me wanting
and willing to be sober, I can get that back. I just have to remind myself of where I was.
And there are a lot of days where I'll get a craving to drink or use. And I'll have very selective
(53:51):
memory about drinking and using. And only remember the good times. Only remember when it was fun.
And that voice in my head will try to convince me that I can go back out there and do things
differently this time. But I now know that I cannot. This last relapse taught me everything I needed to know.
(54:15):
I'm so grateful for it. It sucked. But I learned everything I needed to. I learned that I cannot control
myself when I drink and I do drugs. I cannot do one of anything in my life. This extends beyond
substances. And once you get into sobriety, the work really becomes how you're able to
(54:39):
recognize your addictive personality and how it shows up in other area. And learning how
to not feel the need to feel more than all the time or live in extremes. You have to learn
how to just be. Yeah. And be okay with just being okay. That's so hard for someone like me. Like I
(55:07):
always want to feel better and better and more and more and more. There's a perfectionist in you
that speaks to and that that preaches to. But something that I was told pretty early on in life is
you have to learn to exist without erasing the s. I like that. That's really cool. If I can impart
(55:28):
that on you, I don't know. You don't need that message today, but you really are doing the damn thing.
Oh, I need it every day. I need that message every day. Every day, I have to remember and retell
myself, like, reconvence myself of the fact that I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs. But what
(55:53):
that means to me is that if you put one drink or one line or one pill in my system, I am powerless
over what happens next. And my life will become unmanageable. That's the first step of A-A is admitting
that you are powerless over drugs and alcohol and that your life is or will become unmanageable. And
(56:15):
I have all the evidence I need. You do 100%. And that's not to say that like, my life still can't
become unmanageable. It certainly has and I've gotten through it, you know. And that's because of
the steps in my program, the people in my life, my higher power. There's a lot of things in it that
(56:36):
goes back to kind of what I was saying at the very beginning of this is there's there's nothing in
life that you have to do alone. And there's nothing in life that will come out better because you've
done it alone, in my opinion. Like, I think everybody needs to get better at accepting help
and being comfortable with having other people and other things contribute to their success that
(57:02):
not everything has to just be done by yourself. Now we talked about something on the onset and this
is a this isn't really a lightweight to end the conversation, but I think it's an important way to
end the conversation. When you discuss your transness and we talk about sobriety and finding that
whole self has the sobriety changed at all your view of yourself in any way as a trans person. Yeah.
(57:28):
Sorry, I'm hitting my vape. No, he's doing a line.
The secret to sobriety is vape. It's sobriety is absolutely played a really important role in me
learning to love myself and like myself and want things that are good for myself. And as I've gotten
(57:54):
older, I've just become more and more proud of the fact that I'm trans, that I've been through what
I've been through and I've gotten through it, that I'm able to have the life that I have today as a
trans person, the support that I have, the relationships that I have had and that I do have, you know,
(58:15):
obviously things in our country right now are not in a really good place for people in my community.
That being said, I am amazed at the progress we've made socially around accepting and understanding
trans people and the bravery that there is of so many more trans people being willing to open up
(58:44):
about their identities and their stories. I'm just overwhelmed by how many trans people are out
spoken now. It's fucking crazy to me because it's beautiful. Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, but I wish
I'd had that as a kid, but I'm so happy that there is that now for other kids. Yes, you know,
(59:08):
may the momentum continue and may the growth of whatever society's not grasping yet continue to
be propelled towards understanding it and accepting it because duh. It's annoying to witness the slow
progress, but if you're able to say, you know, I'm seeing it is better and it's getting better
(59:29):
in some regards, that's the takeaway. Yeah, growth is never linear. Right. Progress is not perfection. Period.
That's it. Beautiful. That was good. Love you Adam. Oh, I love you. I'm really proud of you. Thank you,
man. Wow, wow, wow. This was a powerful set of episodes. Thank you, Ari Zizzo, for your honesty.
(59:50):
We're really proud of where you are. May your journey continue to be easier from here on out.
We don't want to play any pressure, but can you hear everybody from their homes just cheering you on?
We're cheering for you. And we're going to go stream your music. Right, everyone? Ari Zizzo,
A-r-i, Z-i-z-z-o. Now, if you or someone that you know is struggling with addiction,
seek professional assistance. This is sort of your sign today. This is your flag. Please go out.
(01:00:15):
Ari has advocated for the 12-step program, which is AA. There are multitudes of different types
of groups that meet. There are women's groups. There are men's groups. There are LGBTQ groups.
So, you know, go. It's specific just like therapy. You owe it to yourself to do the work.
We'll see you next time. Or we'll hear you. You'll hear us next time. You won't see us. I keep
(01:00:38):
forgetting. It's not a fucking video, Adam. Do you think the podcast just fell out of a coconut tree?
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