October 23, 2024 • 55 mins
This is NOT the five time club of SNL, but it is a 3-pete of Stephanie Reibel as we discuss grief after watching Harold and Maude together. You don't have to watch that film in order to receive the discussion discussed here, but I recommend that you do because it is a highly praised film! And it wrecked us after watching it. So you go and get wrecked from it, too.
Stay with us for "exactly" one hour, while we discuss all of the things. This episode also includes the iconic segments from everyone's favorite southern mom and pop! Linda LaFaye and Dad!
Don’t forget to like and subscribe to the podcast! Your reviews help us so much! And we'd love to hear from you @youvegotanhour on IG and TT. Share and tag us on your own socials! Yessss besties!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Man, oh man, we have really and woman a woman excuse me for living in "They O They".
(00:04):
Hello, we have got an episode for you to gay.
I mean, this is really, alright, enough with the cliche phrases.
This is really an impactful episode, in my opinion.
And it's something that I hope to do in the future as well.
This is you've got an hour with Adam Griffin.
I don't know where else you would think you were, but I have to introduce it.
Today we're having Stephanie Rybel back for a third part.
(00:26):
This is history and the making.
You're like, bitch, you've only had six episodes.
Well, guess what?
It's still history, okay?
So, respect your elders.
Today I'd like to introduce her as the mod to my Harold,
or the Harold to my mod.
Speaking of, today we're going to be viewing Harold and mod.
It's something that came up in a previous episode.
(00:47):
But before we go there, and before we watch that film together,
and discuss it, because I think it's really in tune
with what actually this episode's theme is.
I try to think of themes when I do these.
I don't always succeed at that, but today is very clearly in the lane of grief.
So, I want to put a disclaimer up here at the front end
to just say, you know, we are going to be talking about some pretty heavy topics.
(01:09):
I don't need to say like viewer discretion advice,
because you can't even view it.
But I just want you to know.
So, we're going to continue right where we left off with her second episode.
The three things you need to know in advance is we're going to talk about grief,
suicide, and alcohol abuse.
So, if those are things you don't want to talk about or don't want to hear,
I totally respect that, skip the episode.
(01:30):
I think it is something that we don't talk about enough in society.
I'm adamant that we do discuss it on this podcast.
It won't always be prevalent, but sometimes it will come up.
And that's today.
This is you've got an hour with Adam Griffin and Stephanie Ravel.
I'm baptized Catholic.
(01:51):
You were.
See, I grew up Methodist.
We didn't do that.
Yeah, but I didn't make my dad was like,
do you guys choose what you want to do?
We didn't have to go to church.
We didn't make our first communion.
Well, that sounds very Catholic.
But it was.
Because Catholics don't go to church.
They go for like Easter.
Yeah, but well, sometimes when they make the first communion, we never did.
My dad was like,
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
No, my dad was like, listen, I'm baptizing you for grandma,
(02:12):
because that was my grandma wanted.
But he was like, I'm not doing, they have the choice if they want to practice.
Oh, he's an icon.
Oh, he's great.
We love that.
We, I was so thankful to him for me to like explore.
And then I went to different churches to see and study different religions
and kind of just picked and chose, I can't talk.
I think that's right.
(02:33):
But I know that that was a kid.
Yeah.
You know, wasn't a kid, so don't, don't listen to me about my religious.
But like I, I literally was like so thankful for him to him for that.
Because I, now it's like where I'm at in my life spiritually.
I'm not religious, but.
I'm very spiritual.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'm all about, you know, the ancestors are around us and you've got a spirit guide.
(02:57):
And the crystals, all of it.
The crystals I like it, I think it's a good, it's a good, it could be a good tool.
But I'm more into like, you've got angels on your side and that stuff.
I'm really into it.
And like today, when I, I'm bringing it back to myself, maybe she's right.
But, you know, after it transpired, I was like, you know what?
(03:18):
Actually, I did the right thing.
I had two signs from my ancestors.
The word Phillips was on the ground dedicated for a tree who looks at the ground to see a dedication
for a tree.
Okay.
So I was like, that's my, my mother's name, her maiden name is Phillips.
And I was like, okay, that could be hit or miss.
Then I had a yellow butterfly almost kill itself on my car.
(03:38):
And that's my grandmother.
She's always the yellow butterfly.
And I was like, so I feel validated that I made the right decision.
Watch them be like, no, I get your roots.
Change lanes.
What they meant.
But I took it as validation.
There you go.
Come on.
That's your interpretation.
It is.
But I believe in those things.
Who do you feel like you have, like do you know who's on your team here?
Yeah, I feel, I feel a lot actually.
(04:00):
And I've had a couple experiences where I felt my grandparents from the other side.
So I have two grandpas, two grandmas, my friend Kelly, my friend Mike.
So yeah, I feel like I've felt them all at different times in my life.
And I feel like they're all on my side.
(04:22):
Like I really, that they protect me and help me.
And it was funny.
I had one experience years ago.
My grandmother, my mom's mom, grandma Jerry.
Love.
She was the nicest.
When I say the nicest person I've ever met in my life, she has hands down.
Like there was nobody that nobody will grace this earth that has got a pure heart than my
(04:44):
grandma Jerry.
And she passed away in my early 20s.
And we grew up going, because all my family, we grew up in Chicago, suburbs of Chicago.
We all lived within 20 minutes of each other.
I had a massive, massive family.
It was like the best childhood ever.
So grew up going to grandma Jerry's and we go, we go there pretty much every weekend.
(05:06):
And in the summer, and she always had tons of food.
Tons of food, tons of dessert.
Every time we go there, she would give us all $100 and tell us not to tell Grandpa.
Every-
This is an Italian story.
They could tell you.
But we're not Italian at all.
Tons of food and they would, she'd give us literally $100 cash.
And she was like, don't tell Grandpa.
But she, every time.
(05:26):
So, and we would go there almost every weekend.
So anyway, so we, I just a great, amazing childhood.
So whenever I would go to her house in the summer, she would always have fresh, cut cucumbers.
And you know that smell.
It's like strong when you're next to it or like near it in the room.
But like, you're not, if you're outside, you don't smell it.
(05:47):
Right.
It's just when you're up close to it.
And it's not an annoying smell.
No, it's phenomenal.
It's amazing.
So it always, my whole life reminded.
Not pickled cucumbers, like actual cucumbers.
Just actual cucumber.
I love that.
From her garden.
She never garden.
It was just, she bought them.
Oh.
She always had cucumbers.
So anyway.
So that smell makes me think of her and her, her, her house growing up.
(06:08):
So one day, I'm in my guest house again in my 20s.
And out of nowhere, I had the window open.
But where I lived, there was a front house that was like, not really close.
There was a good amount of space of a yard in between ours.
And then the houses to the side were pretty far away, right?
So I didn't have anything up close to me.
(06:30):
And I was, I was in the bedroom at the time.
I think I was reading a book.
And all of a sudden, I got this smell of cucumbers in my house.
Like, just came in.
And I thought it was maybe like, it was just a whiff, like, from the wind.
And that was going to go.
It stayed in my, apart, in my guest house for three days.
For three days, it smelled like cucumbers.
(06:53):
I'm not kidding.
And I didn't have cucumbers in the house.
It wasn't any neighbor.
It was you understand.
It's not like this potent smell.
And I was like, I remember thinking, I think within that first day, I was like, oh, hi, grandma.
And I was talking to her.
Like, I knew she was there.
And it was such a great feeling.
It was such a, like, I just felt protected, you know?
(07:15):
So yes, I absolutely believe in that stuff.
>> Oh, 100%.
>> And I feel them at different times.
And my grandfather's, and, you know, I felt all that.
So I feel protected in every way, which is so lovely.
You have a strong roster around you.
I felt that pretty quickly when I met you.
>> That means a lot.
That's like such a great compliment.
>> Yeah.
>> I mean that.
(07:36):
>> Yeah.
>> Our energy is strong.
>> Yeah.
>> Are you tearing up?
>> A little bit.
Because it's sweet.
That's a sweet moment that you shared with me.
>> Oh.
>> Yeah.
>> I love you too.
>> Okay, I'm vulnerable with you.
>> See, I knew it.
I knew I was going to get it out.
>> Why is it?
I mean, I always tell you I love you.
But I guess it's like, I don't know.
I mean, I think you see a certain side of me.
(07:57):
I don't know if you see, I don't know.
I think when I tell you stories sometimes, I might be like,
I'm fine and fine when I'm really like.
>> And I kind of push.
I try not to push you, but I'm like, how are you actually feeling about Bob?
>> Yeah, I think it's good.
It is good.
>> I want to know how you feel or think, you know?
>> Yeah, for sure.
>> As your friend.
>> Our friendship should do.
But yeah, I mean, we get along for so many reasons.
(08:20):
>> We do.
Do your people, like your grandparents, do they ever come forward in any sort of animal?
Do you feel that?
>> That's interesting.
It's funny that you say that, yes, my grandmothers, grandmothers, came through in a dog that I rescued
and a senior dog.
Her name was India.
And it was funny.
I absolutely felt it was my grandmother.
(08:41):
And when my parents came to visit, my dad, when he met her, he goes, oh my god, that's
grandmothers, without even me saying anything.
>> Oh, that's so validating too.
>> And it was, I was like, oh my god, like I was right.
Like he, he said it.
Like he didn't even, yeah.
So I definitely, my grandmother has been around me since she passed.
(09:01):
But I, and then the rest of my, as they passed throughout the years, because she was the
first to go.
They've all been in my friend Kelly that passed and my friend Mike, like, you just, yeah,
I feel, I feel all of that for sure.
>> For sure.
Do you ever feel like when someone does pass, you're like, okay, of course I'm going to
miss them.
I've gained someone on my spiritual roster, someone else in my corner, someone else is
(09:23):
going to help me.
>> For sure.
>> I had an interesting experience.
So I think we all go through moments in our life when we look at death in a way that is.
>> No wonder you like Harold and Maud.
>> Yeah.
>> No, I mean in a way because death, it's like, it's part of life, right?
>> It's a part of life, it's not scary.
(09:44):
>> No, I think we all go through a point, though, in our lives where death is scary, right?
>> Yes.
>> You have to kind of get through that feeling.
>> You have to get through that feeling, right?
>> Yeah, I think you have to get through that feeling.
And that's where you kind of tap into whether it's what you believe religiously or spiritually
or what have you.
But I remember the shift for me when I looked at death differently.
(10:07):
So my grandfather, my mom's dad, Grandpa Roland.
He passed away when I was in my late 20s.
And my grandma Jerry, when she died in my early 20s, she was cremated.
My grandpa Roland had an open casket.
>> No, I hate those.
>> Yeah, it's always a little unnerving, right?
(10:28):
>> I just don't want to have that visual.
>> You just don't want that to be the last thing that you see of them, right?
That's how you remember that.
>> It helps people in the family deal with it, though.
>> I go to my grandfather's funeral and it's open casket.
I remember I was about to walk up there and I was having like almost like a panic attack.
>> Oh, really?
>> And I was like, oh my god, I don't know if I could do this.
(10:51):
And my dad saw me and he was like.
And this is your first casket experience that's open, right?
>> No, my friend who tragically died in high school, it was open.
So that was-
>> That sounds traumatizing.
>> Yeah, it was pretty traumatizing.
But this was like family, right?
My parents- >> Yeah, this was someone you were close with for a really
core long time.
>> Right, like this was so, I remember having kind of a panic attack.
(11:14):
And my dad saw me and he was like, he's like, I'll walk up there with you, Steffi.
Yes, my family and friends call me Steffi back in Chicago.
>> I think it's so cute.
So I swear to God if you ever call me Steffi, I don't think I would.
>> I don't think I would.
>> But if it slips out sometimes, just say it's Jerry, don't say it's me.
>> [LAUGH]
>> Steff is great, I love Steff, but like, and Steffi, whatever, it's fine, but
(11:34):
Steff is great, but Steffi, yeah, no.
So anyway, my dad was like, Steffi, I'll go up there with you.
And he's walking behind me and it was very sweet that my dad was so supportive.
And he could tell he was having a hard time.
And I get up there and I look down on my grandfather and
all of a sudden, I had this sense of like peace that just rushed through my body.
(11:57):
>> I'm good.
>> And I said to myself, my grandpa's gone, like the essence of him is gone.
He's done with this vehicle and he has moved on.
And the any kind of pain or
sadness that I had or fear was completely gone.
(12:22):
Because I looked at it in a way that I didn't lose him.
He is flying in wherever without being in this vehicle, he was done with the vehicle.
And there was nothing wrong with it.
It was like the next chapter for him, right?
And so for me, it was truly the moment that I switched my mind.
(12:47):
It was my thinking with death.
And I was like, okay.
And so when I have people that are close to me pass,
I mourn the loss of their physical body.
>> Right.
>> That I physically won't see them again, right?
But I am so grateful for the moments that I had with them that for me,
(13:07):
that's what I focus on, right?
Like I'm like, my God, of course, I'm going to miss whoever that I'm not going to see every day.
Like my friend who passed away earlier this year, my friend Crash.
And he was sick.
He was sick for a long time and he was sick in the, he was an alcoholic, right?
And I had known him for over 20 years and a dear friend and really a good friend to me.
(13:33):
>> He was a really good friend to him too.
>> Thank you.
He was done, it was reversed and that was me in that moment.
>> No, don't discredit that.
>> Well, thank you.
But he had his demons, right?
>> He had a hard life, yeah.
And so in the last year, when he retired, his alcohol,
alcoholism really just shot through the roof, right?
So this past year, I took care of him.
(13:56):
I made sure that I went to dinner and took him out to lunch and he had food and
took him to the doctors and like checked up on him every day and whatever he needed, right?
And I remember seeing him last year and he looked like,
I hate saying this because this is such a horrible visual for people,
(14:18):
but it was so jarring for me, I remember, he looked like a Holocaust survivor.
So thin, so frail, not eating because he couldn't hold food down.
>> He looked emaciated and low.
>> Just beyond.
And at that moment, I said to him, listen, if you're willing to go to rehab,
I will check you in, I will do all the work.
Just like if you will say yes, I will do all of it for you.
(14:43):
And he said yes, and I did, and I put them in rehab and I visit him and I called every day and
I took him to sober living.
He stayed in sober living for a month.
He did so well, I visited him there.
He came out and that night, he drank.
And I was pissed and I was like, what the hell are you doing?
Like, I thought you were committed to this.
He's like, well, no, I promised you and he promised another friend.
(15:05):
I said, but you're not doing this for me, you're doing this for you.
>> Yeah. >> And in that moment, I realized, okay,
you know what, there's only so much that I could do and I kind of washed my hands of it,
though I was there for him.
But as the year went on, he started to go back to what he was.
He was in his 60s, so he was in a young spring chicken.
(15:25):
He's been through it and he had a stroke 10 years prior.
So the guy was not doing great health wise.
So when we ended up losing him and I found him in his apartment, I had keys.
In January of this year, I of course was devastated, right?
And when I would talk to people about it, they would say, oh, it was probably so hard.
And yeah, of course it was.
(15:46):
You never want to find a dead body, somebody that you love.
But more importantly, I cried, I was sad, I had my moments, but
over that last year, even though he was alive, I mourned for the loss of my friend.
Like, the crash that I knew for 20 years was gone last year.
(16:08):
Like even before he died.
And I mourned him when he was alive, you know?
But when he passed, I was, of course, sad and I was going to miss him and
all those things.
Thank you.
His stupid laugh that annoyed me, but I loved because it was so loud and like,
(16:29):
yeah, it took up the room.
But I felt like such a piece for him, right?
Like he didn't want to be here.
He had expressed that for years that he didn't want to live anymore.
And I was happy for him in that way, right?
Like it gave him that piece and that's what he wanted.
And you can't be mad at that.
It's very selfless.
(16:49):
You can be mad at that, you know?
And I, the time that I had with him forever cherished and love and
I'll miss him forever.
But I won't miss the last year of him.
I'll miss the crash that I, you know, fell in love with as a friend.
Of course I will, but with that being said, like, you know, death is different in
(17:13):
many situations.
And with this, this was a sense of peace in the way that like he didn't want to be here.
So go, go be and find that happiness and leave this vessel that you had that
you weren't happy with, you know?
And that's all you want for the people that you love is like,
(17:35):
you wish them well and you cherish the moments that you have with them.
And that's what you remember is those good times.
So I'm so thankful for the time that I had with him.
And that's what I focus on, you know?
Yeah.
So that's how I look at death now.
It's very different than what I used to look at death growing up.
So anyway, yay.
No, I'm glad that he had you though.
(17:55):
I mean, and I'm sorry that you had to mourn the loss of him before even pass.
That's really difficult.
Thank you.
And it was hard.
I think it was a bit better in some ways, right?
Just because then like I had more time to grieve, I think.
You had more time to prepare yourself.
You knew what was coming.
You could see the storm before it arrived.
Oh, right.
(18:15):
But you're prepping for the storm for so long.
I'm sure that being in that cycle was not easy.
It was not easy.
No, no, it wasn't easy.
But it's not easy for anybody.
And anybody dealing with somebody who's not garlic or drug addict and you watch them
slowly kill themselves, right?
I know.
And there's nothing you can do.
That's their choice.
They're choosing it and you can't do the first thing about it.
(18:36):
But that is difficult to watch.
Oh, it's so difficult to watch.
And I don't wish that I had anybody.
And I don't wish that people that are going through it.
No, I hate that you had to go through it and witness that.
Yeah.
But it's a sickness, right?
That they have.
It's not, it's kind of beyond their real control.
I can't understand it because I'm not addicted to anything.
Thank God.
(18:56):
I pray you know.
We have things that could be vices so quickly.
So quickly.
But like, I just, I don't know what that's like.
So there's, I can sympathize.
I can't empathize because I don't know, right?
Because I'm part of me is like, just wake up.
Like, get out of this, step out of this.
(19:17):
Like, you know, but that's not, it's not like that.
You know, and he lost his battle and, you know, everybody around him that loved him knew
that he would go this way.
And it's exactly how I thought he would go.
You know, he went in his house, he went by himself and he went peacefully and it is what it
is, you know.
So such is life.
(19:37):
I know.
He had a lot of people in his corner and I'm sure that he's there for you in moments.
Have you felt him at all since he's past?
Yeah, it's funny.
A little bit.
I felt his, a little bit, but I haven't like truly felt it, which is why I didn't include
him in the initial like feeling around you.
I bet.
I bet now that you've said it.
Yeah, he's going to hear it.
I guarantee you that the next week you're going to hear the laugh or you're going to feel
(20:01):
his presence in some way.
I'm going to feel something.
He's going to show me that he's here.
But yeah, I didn't include him in that because I was like, he hadn't appeared to me yet since
he passed.
I'm going to tell you something though.
I'm really proud of you that you were honest with me about this because we, I knew that
he passed, but you hadn't really talked about it and I never want to push you to talk about
something like that was somebody you really cared about and you lost him and that is a huge
(20:22):
grief.
And you haven't talked about it at all in our friendship and I'm really, that was brave
of you to open up to me and I'm glad that you did.
Thanks, baby.
I appreciate you listening and our listeners listening.
Oh, I can cut this.
They don't have to listen to this.
This doesn't have to be part of it.
No, they can listen.
I have no problem with that.
But yeah, no, I mean, it's again, I loved him dearly and I'll never forget that.
(20:47):
It just now, you know, he was not supposed to be here for the next chapter.
And that's it.
And it is what it is.
It is what it is.
I love you.
I love you.
Thanks for coming today.
I didn't know that it always takes turns that we don't expect, but it's, you know, you're
supposed to talk about in a safe space what's really going on or what you've been through
(21:08):
and I thank you for being open and sharing.
Well, thank you for having me.
As always, I have a blast.
It was lovely, lovely, lovely, my friend.
Love you, Stephanie.
I love you.
Haha, I got her.
Damn it.
Doesn't that just tug at your heartstrings?
You're such a good friend and I really hope that anyone that is having some of the struggles
that come with substance abuse, whether it be from alcohol or something else, you do
(21:31):
have a support system and someone that is like a Stephanie in your will house and that's
championing, championing, championing.
That is a champion for you.
Well, I just flood that 100%.
I should do a second take, but I'm the editor and I don't have time to sit through this.
So you're getting it unfiltered.
Now the story that we told is really sad and sorrowful and I hope that that's not the
(21:55):
fate for anyone that is going through a similar process.
You know, if you are suffering with addiction or you know someone that is, there are definitely
resources available for you.
First and foremost, get in contact with a good therapist.
That's necessary.
And at the end of the day, you can always dial 988.
It's like 911, but actually helpful.
(22:17):
It's the suicide hotline and they do a lot of other things as well there.
That's a great jumping point for you to find resources for either someone that you know
that's going through a similar circumstance with abusing a substance or if you are yourself.
And that's a hard thing to go through.
You're not alone and I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that.
(22:38):
Gosh, my voice is so monotone.
I hope that you feel the authenticity of what I'm saying.
You love from across the pond.
I'm not British, but there could be a pond anyway moving on.
We're going to pivot here.
We're going to actually watch a movie that she and I have talked about previously called
Harold and Maud.
Now, spoiler alert, this is a great film, but we are going to discuss it, you know, thoroughly.
(23:05):
So if you've never seen the film before, I highly recommend you pause unless you don't
mind it being spoiled.
I mean, it came out like 40 plus years ago.
It's from the 80s.
I don't want to ruin it for you, but hello, you know, like we're going to talk about it
thoroughly.
This is a segment I really want to repeat because I thoroughly enjoyed watching the film
(23:25):
with a friend and discussing it after.
There's such rich dialogue in watching film.
That's one of the great aspects of it.
So I hope that that's something that will be reoccurring on the podcast.
I don't know how interesting it is.
So this is sort of like a beta baby test, but it's very much in theme with the episode
which is grief.
So just disclaimer, there's going to be some spoilers.
Now we tried to talk while we were watching the actual film and it just didn't land.
(23:50):
It was like, we need to stop and focus.
This is not, you know, Trixie and Katya watching something.
They do that so wonderfully.
I'm not them and I'm not trying to be.
We're just going to have a dialogue after we've seen the film.
Okay.
Now what is the film?
This is a classic American film.
(24:12):
It's like a one of the 250 films that you're supposed to see or whatever.
It's like in those AFI books, you know.
But this is specifically Stephanie's favorite film.
It deals with somebody who is so sad and so distraught with the circumstances in their life,
whatever they may be, that they don't have passion for living.
They're younger.
They're in their early 20s and they felt like that totally an outcast, which variations
(24:36):
of this we can all relate to, right?
But they find someone at a funeral of all places and you have to laugh because it is a dark
comedy.
She's this 80 year old woman or soon to be 80 year old woman that he essentially falls
in love with.
It's like the romance of our age.
I mean, you really, you got to go watch it.
(24:57):
Anyway, this is us talking about it.
Enjoy it.
But first, what is that up?
First, a word from my mother.
Hi everyone.
I'm Ellen Delifei and I've always got something to say.
Today's topic is about respect for the grieving family at the funeral from the service to the
grave side.
I do not know how it works for you are, but where I am from.
(25:21):
We drive in a line with our lights on following the hers with our beloved going through the
stop lights because there are patrol cars helping out with our safety.
And I'm going to tell you what's respectful and frankly, it is expected from those that
we encounter on this solemn journey.
The vehicles we meet pull off the road and stop out of respect.
(25:43):
Do not jump in our line.
Do not cut in and then cut out.
Do not ride on our bumper because you are irritated.
A sweet and gentle old man used to say he ain't never been teached.
Is that you?
Did you know that our disruption to your commute might present a fine time for you to count
(26:05):
yourself very lucky and might I even say blessed to not be in this line that we are in or in
a long car at the front?
Are you picking up what I am putting down?
Your day is coming, sweetie.
So I'm not really asking.
I'm telling you to show some respect.
You're welcome.
(26:28):
That was my mom and here's my dad.
We love the brevity, don't we?
John is an icon.
Okay, now we're going to get into it.
This is after we've seen Harold and Maud and we are just, she's a Pisces on the Cancer.
So the water signs are coming out of our tear ducts, all right?
I love that.
Oh, fucking sweating.
Oh my God, we finished Harold and Maud.
(26:49):
Or as I'd like to say, it wrecked me and ruined me.
I am so happy.
I got to watch it with you.
And I know that we had it on and we were talking, but like...
I just got for my baby.
I'm getting so emotional just thinking about it.
It was so good.
I told you.
Oh, it was so beautiful.
(27:12):
I love it.
I love you so much.
If you guys can see him, he's literally laughing and crying at the same time.
Because I'm so filled with joy for him that he's like, "God, this journey, but also my
cheating time."
I just, spoiler alert.
Oh!
You were going to be crying for the next three days.
(27:37):
What did I think?
What was I coming up with the plot beforehand?
I was talking about like, and they killed people.
Like, yes.
What did I watch?
Like, I don't know.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
They killed people.
Oh, God.
If you had been in my brain, I'd been like, I was like, I'm right.
I'm right.
I was so wrong.
You were so.
I've never doubt you ever again.
(27:57):
Not that I ever doubted you, but it was...
Oh, honey.
I'm so good at agreements.
I'm over the crying.
It was so good.
It was so good.
I told you.
From like, the writing, the directing, the acting, the cinematography, the soundtrack, like
everything about it was perfection.
Yeah.
I hope no one listens to what I was saying in the first take of this because you have
(28:19):
to watch the film.
Like, there was a point when we were watching it where I was like, we have to actually stop recording
because we were trying to do like, talk through it and like, watch it and like, talk during.
But that's a movie you have to just enjoy.
Yeah.
It's definitely...
We can save that for another movie, but this is like, there's just so much there that
she says that's so poetic and beautiful about life and...
(28:42):
Oh, like, she is...
I mean, she's my absolute favorite.
Like, she is...
I don't know why, there's a lot of wisdom she imparts in it that is so you coded, to be honest.
It really is because like, you do, you drop little nuggets.
Like, you're not always serious by any means, but like, you know, you'll be laughing about
(29:02):
your day and then you'll drop, just sprinkle this little thing in and I'm like, was I in a
Ted talk?
I mean, but in like a really, not in a like, rewarding way, you know, like, I'm like, I really
learned something.
Thank you, Confucius.
Like...
Ah, I will fucking take that.
You should.
Oh my god.
Just like her act.
I mean, everybody is just so...
(29:23):
You know what I do love about movies?
And not all movies back then did that, but a lot more back then than they do these days is
they let the camera roll and the silence.
I took their time with it.
Yeah, and they let these actors breathe and they let them come to life on camera.
(29:43):
So I went through...
I went through when I was an actor back in my previous life.
You're still an actor.
Okay.
Well, thank you, baby.
But, um, I went through this John Casavetti's, like, love where I watched all his movies and
I studied a lot of directors back then from like Stanley Kubrick to Billy Wilde or to...
(30:07):
Oh, we love Stanley.
Oh, I mean, it was incredible.
And I went on this Casavetti's kick and, you know, Nick Casavetti did the notebook.
Yeah.
Oh, you know that.
Mm-hmm.
And...
I don't know much, but that one I know.
You know John Casavetti says, "Dad, who was funny enough had a role in Rosemary's Baby?
(30:29):
Did you ever see that movie?"
Yes, I love it.
Okay.
So he was Mia Farrow's husband in the movie.
And you know Ruth Gordon was in Rosemary's Baby.
I don't remember that at all.
She was the evil high priestess.
Oh, I have to rewatch.
That was her.
Oh, my God.
That to go from...
What a way.
Well, been modded to this.
And pretty soon after it's famous, right?
Yes, it was like around the same time.
That's crazy.
So watch Rosemary's Baby now because she's so fucking...
(30:52):
You know what?
I bet when I watched it the first time, honestly, I kind of like...
I don't want to say God are confused.
I'm not going to say I'm that dumb, but like I couldn't get past what I had seen in Rosemary's
Baby from when I was younger.
And now enough times when it removed, I didn't even remember she was in it.
Yeah, yeah.
She's so good.
She's so good.
So, Cassavetti.
So, he was like known for...
(31:13):
None of his films were really like amazing, but he did a lot of movies with Jenna Rollins,
you know, from a notebook.
Oh, yeah.
And that's why Nick Kaster and that, because they were also together.
And not Nick, John and Jenna.
And so, like, women under the influence was a big one that Jenna started.
(31:33):
But if you watch his films, a lot of it was like...
I don't want to say crap, because that's not fair to say.
But a lot of it was just like...
Existing, right?
Like, there wasn't anything really like exciting, like we just watched.
There wasn't substance to it.
It was just sort of like witnessing things.
But...
(31:54):
And this is what he wanted for his films.
He wanted the camera to roll and for actors to live on camera.
And then there were moments that he captured that were like...
Holy fuck.
Like, you're watching it and you're like, "Oh my God, like even for that one moment, he would shoot like 10 hours of film."
(32:15):
And then these editors would have to sift through it.
- Those poor editors would... - And it...
Yes.
And it was like...
You were sitting here like, "Oh, I can kind of get into it."
I mean, there was some.
Women under the influence was a good film and now every other film is escaping me from him.
But I did watch all of his films.
But it was like...
It was so interesting to watch, because you kind of had a weed through a lot of it.
(32:36):
To get these like gems.
But the gems were like on another level.
Like, you were like, "Oh my fucking God, this is..."
Like a diamond in the rock.
Yeah.
So, as a filmmaker, like, you can appreciate those moments.
But as like a whole, I would rather watch like a hell-ass-be film,
where it just gives you gold from beginning to end, you know?
I mean, everything about this is exactly what you were saying though.
(32:59):
They really took their time with the breadth of it and like really just let it exist.
I wish that we would take more time to just live in the moment.
It feels like everything is so marvel in the sense that you have to have action, action,
action.
But the action a lot of time is the emotion or just even the breadth between the emotions.
Yeah.
(33:19):
I mean, the framing in this alone on how they would come into the shot or exit a shot.
I just...
It was like, "This is a film."
Did you...
You understand?
I'm getting emotional again.
I love you.
You're gonna call me like, like, two in the morning or something.
I mean, text.
I mean, you're screaming.
I mean, there was a quote that destroyed me in this and we kind of glossed over as we were
watching it because I was like, "Don't get emotional."
(33:41):
But she was like, "My body's on earth, but my soul is in the heaven."
No, my eyes are...
Of course I ruined it.
My body's in earth and my head are my eyes are in the stars.
Yeah, my head...
Yeah, my body is on earth, but take three.
Clap.
Yeah, they have to keep rolling on us because they'll find it eventually.
They sift through it, edit it, it's me, oh wow, staying in.
(34:02):
Yeah, my body is on earth and my head is in the heavens.
Yes.
And that was just such a little, like, throwaway nugget she was saying and it was just...
It ruined me.
It was like a philosophy book where you open up the course and you say, "You know what,
I'm not ready for Psych 101.
I'll come back in three years."
You know?
Right.
It was just so good.
(34:23):
What's your favorite quote from her in the song?
God, I don't know if I have a favorite quote.
That was an amazing quote.
I like when she says to him, when he's like, "I love you, Ma'am," and she's like, "I love you."
That's wonderful.
She's like, "So go and love some more."
Oh.
And it was like...
Oh my gosh.
That was when she was like...
Oh my gosh.
I was like, to be that selfless and to really just love somebody and let somebody go like
that.
(34:43):
But you know what?
Like, what I find always so incredible.
I mean, there were so many moments from the color of yellow for her or just...
Yeah, the color theory is strong in this movie.
Right.
Or just like, you know, all these little things that you...
I've everybody, if people watch it, like, you'll see throughout it.
But what I loved is you took this woman who was pretty much done with life, right?
(35:05):
Like, we look at 80 years old and we're like, "Well, you're at the tail end of life."
But she...
She was literally like a 15th child.
She was like a child.
Yeah, she's so youthful.
And I kept saying she's so much younger than him in the film.
Right.
And the love story that you think, "Oh, this 80-year-old and this 20-year-old."
I mean, that's so gross.
And it's really not.
It's the most beautiful...
Yeah, I judged it so simply.
(35:25):
I know, and everybody does.
When they hear about it, when they talk about it, but like, it's the most purist form of love.
It's like real love.
But my whole reason...
What I love about this with these characters is you take this woman who's 80 years old, who
lives life that she's 15.
And you find out, like, halfway through the film that she's a Holocaust survivor.
(35:46):
And they never address it.
No, they don't.
They just show the numbers on her arm, right?
Which were replicated on a license plate.
Right.
And you saw that, yeah.
And, you know, to my own horn.
Of course you did.
I didn't bring it up for that reason.
I really get right there.
But it's like, everything is so thoughtful.
Yes, everything is so thought out.
(36:07):
So you have this woman who's at that tail end of her life that still lives like she is
like a young child waking up in this excitement.
And she has been through some shit.
Like some real fucking shit.
Here he goes crying again.
Oh my god.
I just can't imagine.
I mean, her life from start to finish and we watch the tail end of it.
(36:32):
She's her take on life is something that I would love to impart on my younger self.
But you're not too young.
No, you're never too young.
But I'm saying I think that there's such as there's such an intelligence within this
film that every young person should witness because I think there's so many people
out there who live.
(36:53):
They don't live.
And her whole point is like, you've got to go out there.
You have to make mistakes.
You have to fully live because you're not living.
You're just passing by through life.
Right.
Right.
And she says that.
You're just the dead living.
Right.
But eventually you have this boy who has this incredible character arc.
Incredible.
And she really brings them out of that.
(37:15):
Who is born into riches, right?
He's born into luxury.
And he's an only child.
And he has a mother who's, yes, she doesn't pay attention to them.
And that's horrible.
Like, obviously he's going through stuff.
But she's not a monster.
It's right.
She's not being abused.
He has everything in his fingertips.
He can go to the best school.
He can study wherever.
(37:36):
Like, he doesn't have to really work.
Like, he is.
He's want for nothing.
All of his boxes are checked beyond.
And yet he looks at life as, I don't want to be here.
I want to die.
I.
It's pointless.
There's nothing to accomplish.
I'm unfulfilled.
But, yeah, then these two people that meet at such different points in their life, like,
(37:58):
recognize something in each other where they, like, fall in love.
And she brings this out of him to love life.
And it is just, I mean, to this day, like, I've seen this movie a million times and it never
gets old and they never not cry.
And it's just like, what a fucking beautiful story, you know?
(38:21):
And it's so simple, like, it's so simple.
And he goes on to live his life.
And at the end, when, you know, he decides to, after he turned his car into a horse and he drives
it off the cliff.
And she has passed away.
We've ruined this movie.
Now people, yeah, I'll have to put a disclosure.
Yeah, he might have to.
He will have to.
(38:42):
But, like, he drives it off the cliff and he's not in there.
He lets it go off.
But that's him.
It feels, well, they hint at Romeo and Juliet at one portion of the film.
And it's on his last date with the woman and it feels like it's going to be that arc at
the end for him because he's not going to be able to survive.
And then he moves on.
Right.
And then it's, but that's what, so let's talk about your hair.
And that's when I started really crying because I was like, wow, he really learned.
(39:06):
Because she really taught him.
But like, if that happened, if that happened, he was character at the beginning, he would
have gone off with it.
Right.
But the fact that he let it go.
And he would have never met her probably.
And he crashed.
He crashed his car and said goodbye to that life.
And he turns around and walks away and starts playing the banjo and realizes that no, like,
(39:29):
I have a life.
I'm here.
And it's okay to live it.
Like, she gave him that permission.
And it's like, but that editing at that, let me know.
That you were so right.
Like, you were so right.
I wish everybody could have seen because you, you, it was like watching it.
I mean, it was watching it for the first time really for myself.
But it was like, you knew all the points, but it was almost like you were witnessing everything
for the first time yourself.
(39:50):
Yeah.
And when we got to the ending, she was like, no, no, no, the editing though, like actually pay
attention.
You know, because she knows I'm ADHD.
Yeah.
You were like, no, no, but really pay attention to the editing.
It's the best editing I've ever seen.
And I, you were so right.
Right.
I was floored as much as the car was into the, the ocean floor.
I am so happy that you love it as much as I do, because it is, I couldn't be more passionate
(40:12):
about this film.
Right.
People have to witness this.
This is like, I'm telling you, I, when anybody ever
asks me like, what is your favorite film?
It is always like, has always been, will always be Harold and Maud.
And I look at you.
You're gonna be like this.
I can't get it together at all.
It's just like, it ruined me.
It was just so beautiful.
But in the best way, like, don't you like?
Oh, yeah, so happy.
(40:34):
Like she's a character that like, I know this sounds crazy, but I look up to her and I'm
like, my god, like, if I could be like her.
Yeah, even an ounce of her and she's been through such disparities with which I hope
no one ever will, you know, those atrocities are not something that will witness again in
our lifetime, I hope.
But like, what she witnessed and everything is just so, she could have been so negative.
(40:58):
I'm not sure.
Yeah.
And she could have hated life and.
Not paid him the time of day.
I mean, she did some, some things that were questionable, but because she didn't care.
She's like, I've been through some terrible things.
It's not justified for me to steal all these cars or like steal the cops.
Or like, which go girl, we love it.
But like, she's just an icon.
(41:19):
She's doing her life to the fullest.
Yes.
And that's, that's why I love the message.
It's just like, live your life to the fullest.
And when you watched it the first time, did you think she was going to die at the, I mean,
I thought she'd die, but I didn't think it was like, because she hinted, she hinted at
it at the beginning, like, well, Saturday's it.
Yeah, you heard that.
And I was like, okay, what does that mean?
I thought she was terminally ill.
(41:41):
I didn't think she was like, hey, you know what?
Yeah.
It's an honorable death.
I'm out of here.
I'm bragsidding.
But did you hear that?
That's not honorable, but yeah.
You heard that, but you missed a line that she said in the church at the beginning when she
said that at one of the funerals where she'd like, just met him.
(42:01):
She saw him for the second time and she was like in the, they're the pews, right?
And she was sitting behind him and she was like, he's 80.
And she goes, that's too long to live or something like that.
She was 85, he was 85 and she was like, that's too long.
Yeah, and she goes in all the evening.
Nothing good happens in the past 80.
Yeah, so that's why.
Like, so you heard that, okay.
(42:21):
But it didn't register with me because she kept pointing at it.
Like, listen, listen, like, this is key and I was like, whatever, you know, like, because
you don't want her to go.
I don't want her to go.
And yeah, but it was so important.
Right.
So at the end, when I saw it the first time and I saw it back in my 20s, so my husband
actually showed me this film.
(42:43):
Hey, there's a plus.
I know, right?
From the relationship.
I know.
That's the only good thing I got out of it.
I mean, I eventually saw it.
But, but yeah, so that's the only good thing I got.
Then there we go.
But I.
You couldn't give you the love that you got in the film, but you know what?
But you know what?
The film is eternal.
There we go.
Last forever.
Yeah.
H&M, baby.
That's what it stands for.
(43:04):
Harold and Ma, when you're buying that fast fashion, honey, it's Harold and Ma, baby.
I love you.
Yeah, I honestly, I, like, my ex-husband was like, this is a dark comedy.
So I knew that there was something heavy and I kind of, I don't think I was as perceptive
as you back then as far as like catching each, like, moment that she said it.
(43:29):
I think I caught one and then I registered it and I was like, oh, okay.
But I knew something was looming.
I just didn't know what.
But yeah, I think I was more perceptive because you were.
You were here to be honest.
If I had watched it alone, a lot of that would have passed by me.
Maybe.
I tried not to like, do that and let you just be, but there I was like, oh, you got a little
(43:50):
bit of experience.
No, you didn't ruin anything.
I just was, I knew how much you loved it and the weight was like important because it's
a film you like and I blasted it to smithereens.
Last time you were in my house, so just respectfully.
No, that's not it.
And I was like, I really pay attention and like it and I just like, oh.
I loved it.
You came around and you were in it.
I'm getting emotional mostly because she reminded me so much of my grandmother.
(44:15):
So for me, it was emotional watching it because I was like, oh, this is joy.
This is how she lived.
Oh, I can't.
I'm over the grief.
I swear to God.
My therapist is getting like bitch.
Yes, you are so cute right now.
You were going to be literally crying yourself.
I just like, some of the wisdom and like the way she'd be like, just get up and dance.
(44:38):
Like he was like, I just want to do a cartwheel right now.
And she was like, why not?
Why wouldn't you do that?
And he was like, was I'll be embarrassed?
My grandmother all the time and be like, get up.
Don't you want to just dance right now?
Just dance.
You know, I don't know if she did that with her kids, but she did that with all of us.
She really helped me bloom as a person.
It's hard to watch, love of that.
(44:59):
Oh, God, I love that, baby.
I'm going to edit that out.
No, don't edit it.
It just was so beautiful.
But like to have a grandmother like Ma, that'd be amazing.
Oh, God, yeah.
Amazing.
Yeah, I don't really see her in a romantic way for myself, but their relationship was so
(45:20):
organic, just like that wine they kept drinking.
It's okay, it's organic.
Yeah, every time they were, she was like, I don't drink.
She was like, it's okay, it's organic.
I just thought that was brilliant.
It was so great, but no, it was so tastefully done.
And like, it wasn't creepy.
Like, you want it.
It was creepy about it.
Nothing.
It was just...
(45:40):
I can imagine at the time period, you read the breakdown in a newspaper and you're like,
I don't really want to go see this old woman fall in love with this younger guy or whatever,
but you would be doing yourself such a disservice in missing it.
Yeah.
It's just so pure.
It's so pure in the life lessons and just, it makes you love life.
(46:01):
Like, it's not sad.
Like, it's like happy tears are crying.
It is, yeah, 100%.
It's just like you, you're sad that she passed and he's not...
Yeah, a little bit of angry tears too, I'm not gonna lie.
Right, but, but, you're also like, God, what she did for him and this love that they...
I'm just okay.
(46:22):
Oh God, here we go.
We're taking turns at least.
I know, look at us.
We are just fucking crime lovers.
Wait, I want to hear what you were going to say.
So, it reminds me, there's this friend of mine that I had in my life, this woman, Kelly,
years ago, when I was shooting this movie, April Moon, yes, you can all laugh, I play the
blind girl.
Stop, it's weird.
God, I'll have to show you one of these days.
(46:45):
But I met this woman on set and she was, she was an extra and she was so happy to be there.
She was, she was in her 50, 60s, like, but she had the energy of mod.
She was...
Is that before you had ever seen a film?
No.
I had seen mod.
I mean, Harold and mod.
(47:05):
And so when I met Kelly, I was instantly just this love for her.
Yeah, you were pulled to it.
Yeah, but she just had this energy and everybody was pulled to her.
And she was a little, a bit absent-minded, professory, but in the best way.
She was like one of those where she told me a story where she had her car for a very
(47:27):
long time and she went up to the gas station and she kept, didn't realize where the gas
pump was, like, on her side.
So she probably drove around it like five times.
Upsass.
And people are like laughing and she, this is her car.
She's like, how many times does she put gas in it?
She's like one of those people.
But she was also really wise, right?
And she was just a serious lover of life.
(47:51):
And she had two older kids, Nicole and Ryan, who did they?
You still talk to them?
I talked to Nicole.
Okay.
So Kelly and I grew really close and she just became a really good friend of mine.
She lived down to my killer.
So even after the movie, we'd stayed friends and whatever.
And then when I was 26, so like 2006, I got a call from her husband that she had been in
(48:20):
an accident.
Oh, no.
And she died.
Oh.
And I remember I was in Utah visiting a friend.
And when I got the call and I remember coming back on the plane and crying hysterically and
having to go to the funeral and I get a call from her brother and her brother had asked
(48:48):
me to speak because she loved me so much.
What an honor, but how overwhelming.
Yeah.
And I remember like, okay.
And I remember writing something and her kids couldn't speak.
It was like too hard because it was pretty traumatic.
I remember she had passed.
And so I remember sitting there like having everything like ready to go and my husband was
(49:14):
there at the time with me and all of a sudden before I was going to go out, maybe like five
minutes before, you know, the brother was up there talking and he had mentioned my name and
how much Kelly loved me when he was standing up there.
Like along with her daughter and her son and I just busted out crying and I'm sitting in
(49:37):
the back and I remember looking down and I was like, I said to my husband, I was like,
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
And he was like, he just looks at me and he was like, just do this for your friends.
Like, go up there and I'll go up there and stand with you.
And so I go up there and I look out and I see her son and daughter and her husband and
it's just breaking my heart.
(49:58):
And I give my speech and I felt good like I felt like I honored my friend, right?
And you know, people would come up to us and people that knew her and just I'm so sorry,
like to all of us.
And you know, everybody was saying sorry and sorry and sorry.
And I remember thinking like, God, I miss my friends so much.
(50:20):
Like she was just such a late in my life.
But she was only in my life for like a year and a half.
What an impact she had in my life and how honored I was and thankful to have her for even
a short amount of time.
And so when I watched this movie, even though like mod left and was not in the hero's life
(50:45):
for a short time, like the fact that he had that, he had her for even a short time.
It was everything, right?
And that's what I take with me now and what I take from the movie.
So as sad as it is, I look at it in a beautiful, positive way.
Just like I look at my friend, you I love dearly and miss.
(51:05):
But the fact that I could have her for that year and a half in my life was everything to
me.
And I'm forever grateful for that, you know?
But it's like the same thing like that.
So it's like happy tears.
Yes.
Not like, oh, you left, you know?
Yes, absolutely.
Oh my God, we both had a mod in our life.
(51:27):
What were so blessed?
We're so lucky.
I feel like we have grown from and you had said this off the recording time.
You felt like maybe you aligned with Harold at one point in your life and you've kind of
evolved more into the mindset of mod.
Yeah.
And don't you feel like having someone like her in your life helped mold that?
Oh, for sure.
(51:49):
And I think just like as you go through stuff in your life and not that I like I came from
a middle class family, my parents were great.
I had an amazing childhood.
I didn't have the childhood of Harold, but you know, when you just go through stuff that's
harder and I was alone when I came to LA for a long time and, you know, just finding yourself
(52:09):
and being in the entertainment business and finding who you are and you just kind of,
you don't know and you feel alone and you feel sad and you feel lost and that's where I
relate to Harold in that way, not in the way of like wanting necessarily stuff or, right,
or like hating my mom and that.
(52:30):
But the loneliness and the confusion portion.
Yeah, it's just like that.
And I think it's safe to say that all of us have experienced that growing up.
Oh, yes.
I think it's just, I love the, and that's what I'm saying, the evolution of these characters
are just so powerful, you know.
And they're timeless.
I mean, there's something for everyone in this film.
(52:51):
I know.
All of them are good.
The mom was.
Oh, Lord.
I love that woman so much.
I feel like she's like a bit of you.
A little bit.
I mean, I would never treat my child like she does with ignoring, but like her sort of
flair for the dramatic.
So, so there.
It's so there.
(53:12):
And her outfits are insane and just for access.
It's just, yeah, her trans Atlantic hot.
That's British.
That is full blown British.
That is not what she did at all in one moment.
But it was so good.
But yes, I'm so happy that we were able to watch this.
Me too.
I'm so thankful that you came over tonight.
This is what I needed today.
(53:32):
Yeah.
For sure.
Everybody go watch the film.
You can find it on Turner Classic movie currently.
It's streaming there and I'm sure it'll be off by the time that you listen to this.
So go find it yourself or rent it.
Okay.
All right, guys.
Much love whether you're a herald or a maw or anywhere in between.
Go and prosper.
I gotta go cry.
I don't know what to say anymore.
Oh my god.
(53:53):
I love you.
This episode is obviously dedicated to Crash.
And we mentioned my grandmother.
So I'm going to dedicate it to Joyce as well.
I honestly like the beta test of this full watching movie and then discuss the discourse
after.
So next week we're having a really fun merger of episodes.
It's going to be a crossover episode with The Horror and The Hissitant.
(54:16):
A podcast that already exists.
We're going to be watching a scary movie.
Something I picked.
It's a little campy because I picked it.
It's called Ginger Snaps.
So watch that at your home work this week.
You can catch it currently on the peacock app or you can rent it forever.
And then we'll discuss it next week for Halloween.
(54:36):
And especially I want to thank the makers of this wonderful film Harold and Maud.
Everyone that was in charge of getting this picture made at Paramount from the ground up.
You all just master your masters of your craft.
You did a great job.
You'll probably never hear this because you're like bitch we made this 40 years ago.
(54:57):
Where were you with?
Where were you then?
Well, I think you got a lot of accolades.
So I hope you're just filling the flowers coming your way.
Again, I'm sending them out to you.
I'm sending you love.
And of course, thank you to my wonderful friend Stephanie Rival for being back a third time
around.
Hello, gold medal, gold medal, gold medal.
(55:19):
Just great.
Just iconic.
And to you listener, bye.
See you next time or here you next time.
Nope.
You'll hear me next time.
Scratch that.
Bye.
Are you sick of me yet?
Oh my God.
It's been sponsored by Kleenex.
Pass.
Man, oh man, we have really and woman a woman excuse me for living in "They O They".
(00:04):
Hello, we have got an episode for you to gay.
I mean, this is really, alright, enough with the cliche phrases.
This is really an impactful episode, in my opinion.
And it's something that I hope to do in the future as well.
This is you've got an hour with Adam Griffin.
I don't know where else you would think you were, but I have to introduce it.
Today we're having Stephanie Rybel back for a third part.
(00:26):
This is history and the making.
You're like, bitch, you've only had six episodes.
Well, guess what?
It's still history, okay?
So, respect your elders.
Today I'd like to introduce her as the mod to my Harold,
or the Harold to my mod.
Speaking of, today we're going to be viewing Harold and mod.
It's something that came up in a previous episode.
(00:47):
But before we go there, and before we watch that film together,
and discuss it, because I think it's really in tune
with what actually this episode's theme is.
I try to think of themes when I do these.
I don't always succeed at that, but today is very clearly in the lane of grief.
So, I want to put a disclaimer up here at the front end
to just say, you know, we are going to be talking about some pretty heavy topics.
(01:09):
I don't need to say like viewer discretion advice,
because you can't even view it.
But I just want you to know.
So, we're going to continue right where we left off with her second episode.
The three things you need to know in advance is we're going to talk about grief,
suicide, and alcohol abuse.
So, if those are things you don't want to talk about or don't want to hear,
I totally respect that, skip the episode.
(01:30):
I think it is something that we don't talk about enough in society.
I'm adamant that we do discuss it on this podcast.
It won't always be prevalent, but sometimes it will come up.
And that's today.
This is you've got an hour with Adam Griffin and Stephanie Ravel.
I'm baptized Catholic.
(01:51):
You were.
See, I grew up Methodist.
We didn't do that.
Yeah, but I didn't make my dad was like,
do you guys choose what you want to do?
We didn't have to go to church.
We didn't make our first communion.
Well, that sounds very Catholic.
But it was.
Because Catholics don't go to church.
They go for like Easter.
Yeah, but well, sometimes when they make the first communion, we never did.
My dad was like,
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
No, my dad was like, listen, I'm baptizing you for grandma,
(02:12):
because that was my grandma wanted.
But he was like, I'm not doing, they have the choice if they want to practice.
Oh, he's an icon.
Oh, he's great.
We love that.
We, I was so thankful to him for me to like explore.
And then I went to different churches to see and study different religions
and kind of just picked and chose, I can't talk.
I think that's right.
(02:33):
But I know that that was a kid.
Yeah.
You know, wasn't a kid, so don't, don't listen to me about my religious.
But like I, I literally was like so thankful for him to him for that.
Because I, now it's like where I'm at in my life spiritually.
I'm not religious, but.
I'm very spiritual.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'm all about, you know, the ancestors are around us and you've got a spirit guide.
(02:57):
And the crystals, all of it.
The crystals I like it, I think it's a good, it's a good, it could be a good tool.
But I'm more into like, you've got angels on your side and that stuff.
I'm really into it.
And like today, when I, I'm bringing it back to myself, maybe she's right.
But, you know, after it transpired, I was like, you know what?
(03:18):
Actually, I did the right thing.
I had two signs from my ancestors.
The word Phillips was on the ground dedicated for a tree who looks at the ground to see a dedication
for a tree.
Okay.
So I was like, that's my, my mother's name, her maiden name is Phillips.
And I was like, okay, that could be hit or miss.
Then I had a yellow butterfly almost kill itself on my car.
(03:38):
And that's my grandmother.
She's always the yellow butterfly.
And I was like, so I feel validated that I made the right decision.
Watch them be like, no, I get your roots.
Change lanes.
What they meant.
But I took it as validation.
There you go.
Come on.
That's your interpretation.
It is.
But I believe in those things.
Who do you feel like you have, like do you know who's on your team here?
Yeah, I feel, I feel a lot actually.
(04:00):
And I've had a couple experiences where I felt my grandparents from the other side.
So I have two grandpas, two grandmas, my friend Kelly, my friend Mike.
So yeah, I feel like I've felt them all at different times in my life.
And I feel like they're all on my side.
(04:22):
Like I really, that they protect me and help me.
And it was funny.
I had one experience years ago.
My grandmother, my mom's mom, grandma Jerry.
Love.
She was the nicest.
When I say the nicest person I've ever met in my life, she has hands down.
Like there was nobody that nobody will grace this earth that has got a pure heart than my
(04:44):
grandma Jerry.
And she passed away in my early 20s.
And we grew up going, because all my family, we grew up in Chicago, suburbs of Chicago.
We all lived within 20 minutes of each other.
I had a massive, massive family.
It was like the best childhood ever.
So grew up going to grandma Jerry's and we go, we go there pretty much every weekend.
(05:06):
And in the summer, and she always had tons of food.
Tons of food, tons of dessert.
Every time we go there, she would give us all $100 and tell us not to tell Grandpa.
Every-
This is an Italian story.
They could tell you.
But we're not Italian at all.
Tons of food and they would, she'd give us literally $100 cash.
And she was like, don't tell Grandpa.
But she, every time.
(05:26):
So, and we would go there almost every weekend.
So anyway, so we, I just a great, amazing childhood.
So whenever I would go to her house in the summer, she would always have fresh, cut cucumbers.
And you know that smell.
It's like strong when you're next to it or like near it in the room.
But like, you're not, if you're outside, you don't smell it.
(05:47):
Right.
It's just when you're up close to it.
And it's not an annoying smell.
No, it's phenomenal.
It's amazing.
So it always, my whole life reminded.
Not pickled cucumbers, like actual cucumbers.
Just actual cucumber.
I love that.
From her garden.
She never garden.
It was just, she bought them.
Oh.
She always had cucumbers.
So anyway.
So that smell makes me think of her and her, her, her house growing up.
(06:08):
So one day, I'm in my guest house again in my 20s.
And out of nowhere, I had the window open.
But where I lived, there was a front house that was like, not really close.
There was a good amount of space of a yard in between ours.
And then the houses to the side were pretty far away, right?
So I didn't have anything up close to me.
(06:30):
And I was, I was in the bedroom at the time.
I think I was reading a book.
And all of a sudden, I got this smell of cucumbers in my house.
Like, just came in.
And I thought it was maybe like, it was just a whiff, like, from the wind.
And that was going to go.
It stayed in my, apart, in my guest house for three days.
For three days, it smelled like cucumbers.
(06:53):
I'm not kidding.
And I didn't have cucumbers in the house.
It wasn't any neighbor.
It was you understand.
It's not like this potent smell.
And I was like, I remember thinking, I think within that first day, I was like, oh, hi, grandma.
And I was talking to her.
Like, I knew she was there.
And it was such a great feeling.
It was such a, like, I just felt protected, you know?
(07:15):
So yes, I absolutely believe in that stuff.
>> Oh, 100%.
>> And I feel them at different times.
And my grandfather's, and, you know, I felt all that.
So I feel protected in every way, which is so lovely.
You have a strong roster around you.
I felt that pretty quickly when I met you.
>> That means a lot.
That's like such a great compliment.
>> Yeah.
>> I mean that.
(07:36):
>> Yeah.
>> Our energy is strong.
>> Yeah.
>> Are you tearing up?
>> A little bit.
Because it's sweet.
That's a sweet moment that you shared with me.
>> Oh.
>> Yeah.
>> I love you too.
>> Okay, I'm vulnerable with you.
>> See, I knew it.
I knew I was going to get it out.
>> Why is it?
I mean, I always tell you I love you.
But I guess it's like, I don't know.
I mean, I think you see a certain side of me.
(07:57):
I don't know if you see, I don't know.
I think when I tell you stories sometimes, I might be like,
I'm fine and fine when I'm really like.
>> And I kind of push.
I try not to push you, but I'm like, how are you actually feeling about Bob?
>> Yeah, I think it's good.
It is good.
>> I want to know how you feel or think, you know?
>> Yeah, for sure.
>> As your friend.
>> Our friendship should do.
But yeah, I mean, we get along for so many reasons.
(08:20):
>> We do.
Do your people, like your grandparents, do they ever come forward in any sort of animal?
Do you feel that?
>> That's interesting.
It's funny that you say that, yes, my grandmothers, grandmothers, came through in a dog that I rescued
and a senior dog.
Her name was India.
And it was funny.
I absolutely felt it was my grandmother.
(08:41):
And when my parents came to visit, my dad, when he met her, he goes, oh my god, that's
grandmothers, without even me saying anything.
>> Oh, that's so validating too.
>> And it was, I was like, oh my god, like I was right.
Like he, he said it.
Like he didn't even, yeah.
So I definitely, my grandmother has been around me since she passed.
(09:01):
But I, and then the rest of my, as they passed throughout the years, because she was the
first to go.
They've all been in my friend Kelly that passed and my friend Mike, like, you just, yeah,
I feel, I feel all of that for sure.
>> For sure.
Do you ever feel like when someone does pass, you're like, okay, of course I'm going to
miss them.
I've gained someone on my spiritual roster, someone else in my corner, someone else is
(09:23):
going to help me.
>> For sure.
>> I had an interesting experience.
So I think we all go through moments in our life when we look at death in a way that is.
>> No wonder you like Harold and Maud.
>> Yeah.
>> No, I mean in a way because death, it's like, it's part of life, right?
>> It's a part of life, it's not scary.
(09:44):
>> No, I think we all go through a point, though, in our lives where death is scary, right?
>> Yes.
>> You have to kind of get through that feeling.
>> You have to get through that feeling, right?
>> Yeah, I think you have to get through that feeling.
And that's where you kind of tap into whether it's what you believe religiously or spiritually
or what have you.
But I remember the shift for me when I looked at death differently.
(10:07):
So my grandfather, my mom's dad, Grandpa Roland.
He passed away when I was in my late 20s.
And my grandma Jerry, when she died in my early 20s, she was cremated.
My grandpa Roland had an open casket.
>> No, I hate those.
>> Yeah, it's always a little unnerving, right?
(10:28):
>> I just don't want to have that visual.
>> You just don't want that to be the last thing that you see of them, right?
That's how you remember that.
>> It helps people in the family deal with it, though.
>> I go to my grandfather's funeral and it's open casket.
I remember I was about to walk up there and I was having like almost like a panic attack.
>> Oh, really?
>> And I was like, oh my god, I don't know if I could do this.
(10:51):
And my dad saw me and he was like.
And this is your first casket experience that's open, right?
>> No, my friend who tragically died in high school, it was open.
So that was-
>> That sounds traumatizing.
>> Yeah, it was pretty traumatizing.
But this was like family, right?
My parents- >> Yeah, this was someone you were close with for a really
core long time.
>> Right, like this was so, I remember having kind of a panic attack.
(11:14):
And my dad saw me and he was like, he's like, I'll walk up there with you, Steffi.
Yes, my family and friends call me Steffi back in Chicago.
>> I think it's so cute.
So I swear to God if you ever call me Steffi, I don't think I would.
>> I don't think I would.
>> But if it slips out sometimes, just say it's Jerry, don't say it's me.
>> [LAUGH]
>> Steff is great, I love Steff, but like, and Steffi, whatever, it's fine, but
(11:34):
Steff is great, but Steffi, yeah, no.
So anyway, my dad was like, Steffi, I'll go up there with you.
And he's walking behind me and it was very sweet that my dad was so supportive.
And he could tell he was having a hard time.
And I get up there and I look down on my grandfather and
all of a sudden, I had this sense of like peace that just rushed through my body.
(11:57):
>> I'm good.
>> And I said to myself, my grandpa's gone, like the essence of him is gone.
He's done with this vehicle and he has moved on.
And the any kind of pain or
sadness that I had or fear was completely gone.
(12:22):
Because I looked at it in a way that I didn't lose him.
He is flying in wherever without being in this vehicle, he was done with the vehicle.
And there was nothing wrong with it.
It was like the next chapter for him, right?
And so for me, it was truly the moment that I switched my mind.
(12:47):
It was my thinking with death.
And I was like, okay.
And so when I have people that are close to me pass,
I mourn the loss of their physical body.
>> Right.
>> That I physically won't see them again, right?
But I am so grateful for the moments that I had with them that for me,
(13:07):
that's what I focus on, right?
Like I'm like, my God, of course, I'm going to miss whoever that I'm not going to see every day.
Like my friend who passed away earlier this year, my friend Crash.
And he was sick.
He was sick for a long time and he was sick in the, he was an alcoholic, right?
And I had known him for over 20 years and a dear friend and really a good friend to me.
(13:33):
>> He was a really good friend to him too.
>> Thank you.
He was done, it was reversed and that was me in that moment.
>> No, don't discredit that.
>> Well, thank you.
But he had his demons, right?
>> He had a hard life, yeah.
And so in the last year, when he retired, his alcohol,
alcoholism really just shot through the roof, right?
So this past year, I took care of him.
(13:56):
I made sure that I went to dinner and took him out to lunch and he had food and
took him to the doctors and like checked up on him every day and whatever he needed, right?
And I remember seeing him last year and he looked like,
I hate saying this because this is such a horrible visual for people,
(14:18):
but it was so jarring for me, I remember, he looked like a Holocaust survivor.
So thin, so frail, not eating because he couldn't hold food down.
>> He looked emaciated and low.
>> Just beyond.
And at that moment, I said to him, listen, if you're willing to go to rehab,
I will check you in, I will do all the work.
Just like if you will say yes, I will do all of it for you.
(14:43):
And he said yes, and I did, and I put them in rehab and I visit him and I called every day and
I took him to sober living.
He stayed in sober living for a month.
He did so well, I visited him there.
He came out and that night, he drank.
And I was pissed and I was like, what the hell are you doing?
Like, I thought you were committed to this.
He's like, well, no, I promised you and he promised another friend.
(15:05):
I said, but you're not doing this for me, you're doing this for you.
>> Yeah. >> And in that moment, I realized, okay,
you know what, there's only so much that I could do and I kind of washed my hands of it,
though I was there for him.
But as the year went on, he started to go back to what he was.
He was in his 60s, so he was in a young spring chicken.
(15:25):
He's been through it and he had a stroke 10 years prior.
So the guy was not doing great health wise.
So when we ended up losing him and I found him in his apartment, I had keys.
In January of this year, I of course was devastated, right?
And when I would talk to people about it, they would say, oh, it was probably so hard.
And yeah, of course it was.
(15:46):
You never want to find a dead body, somebody that you love.
But more importantly, I cried, I was sad, I had my moments, but
over that last year, even though he was alive, I mourned for the loss of my friend.
Like, the crash that I knew for 20 years was gone last year.
(16:08):
Like even before he died.
And I mourned him when he was alive, you know?
But when he passed, I was, of course, sad and I was going to miss him and
all those things.
Thank you.
His stupid laugh that annoyed me, but I loved because it was so loud and like,
(16:29):
yeah, it took up the room.
But I felt like such a piece for him, right?
Like he didn't want to be here.
He had expressed that for years that he didn't want to live anymore.
And I was happy for him in that way, right?
Like it gave him that piece and that's what he wanted.
And you can't be mad at that.
It's very selfless.
(16:49):
You can be mad at that, you know?
And I, the time that I had with him forever cherished and love and
I'll miss him forever.
But I won't miss the last year of him.
I'll miss the crash that I, you know, fell in love with as a friend.
Of course I will, but with that being said, like, you know, death is different in
(17:13):
many situations.
And with this, this was a sense of peace in the way that like he didn't want to be here.
So go, go be and find that happiness and leave this vessel that you had that
you weren't happy with, you know?
And that's all you want for the people that you love is like,
(17:35):
you wish them well and you cherish the moments that you have with them.
And that's what you remember is those good times.
So I'm so thankful for the time that I had with him.
And that's what I focus on, you know?
Yeah.
So that's how I look at death now.
It's very different than what I used to look at death growing up.
So anyway, yay.
No, I'm glad that he had you though.
(17:55):
I mean, and I'm sorry that you had to mourn the loss of him before even pass.
That's really difficult.
Thank you.
And it was hard.
I think it was a bit better in some ways, right?
Just because then like I had more time to grieve, I think.
You had more time to prepare yourself.
You knew what was coming.
You could see the storm before it arrived.
Oh, right.
(18:15):
But you're prepping for the storm for so long.
I'm sure that being in that cycle was not easy.
It was not easy.
No, no, it wasn't easy.
But it's not easy for anybody.
And anybody dealing with somebody who's not garlic or drug addict and you watch them
slowly kill themselves, right?
I know.
And there's nothing you can do.
That's their choice.
They're choosing it and you can't do the first thing about it.
(18:36):
But that is difficult to watch.
Oh, it's so difficult to watch.
And I don't wish that I had anybody.
And I don't wish that people that are going through it.
No, I hate that you had to go through it and witness that.
Yeah.
But it's a sickness, right?
That they have.
It's not, it's kind of beyond their real control.
I can't understand it because I'm not addicted to anything.
Thank God.
(18:56):
I pray you know.
We have things that could be vices so quickly.
So quickly.
But like, I just, I don't know what that's like.
So there's, I can sympathize.
I can't empathize because I don't know, right?
Because I'm part of me is like, just wake up.
Like, get out of this, step out of this.
(19:17):
Like, you know, but that's not, it's not like that.
You know, and he lost his battle and, you know, everybody around him that loved him knew
that he would go this way.
And it's exactly how I thought he would go.
You know, he went in his house, he went by himself and he went peacefully and it is what it
is, you know.
So such is life.
(19:37):
I know.
He had a lot of people in his corner and I'm sure that he's there for you in moments.
Have you felt him at all since he's past?
Yeah, it's funny.
A little bit.
I felt his, a little bit, but I haven't like truly felt it, which is why I didn't include
him in the initial like feeling around you.
I bet.
I bet now that you've said it.
Yeah, he's going to hear it.
I guarantee you that the next week you're going to hear the laugh or you're going to feel
(20:01):
his presence in some way.
I'm going to feel something.
He's going to show me that he's here.
But yeah, I didn't include him in that because I was like, he hadn't appeared to me yet since
he passed.
I'm going to tell you something though.
I'm really proud of you that you were honest with me about this because we, I knew that
he passed, but you hadn't really talked about it and I never want to push you to talk about
something like that was somebody you really cared about and you lost him and that is a huge
(20:22):
grief.
And you haven't talked about it at all in our friendship and I'm really, that was brave
of you to open up to me and I'm glad that you did.
Thanks, baby.
I appreciate you listening and our listeners listening.
Oh, I can cut this.
They don't have to listen to this.
This doesn't have to be part of it.
No, they can listen.
I have no problem with that.
But yeah, no, I mean, it's again, I loved him dearly and I'll never forget that.
(20:47):
It just now, you know, he was not supposed to be here for the next chapter.
And that's it.
And it is what it is.
It is what it is.
I love you.
I love you.
Thanks for coming today.
I didn't know that it always takes turns that we don't expect, but it's, you know, you're
supposed to talk about in a safe space what's really going on or what you've been through
(21:08):
and I thank you for being open and sharing.
Well, thank you for having me.
As always, I have a blast.
It was lovely, lovely, lovely, my friend.
Love you, Stephanie.
I love you.
Haha, I got her.
Damn it.
Doesn't that just tug at your heartstrings?
You're such a good friend and I really hope that anyone that is having some of the struggles
that come with substance abuse, whether it be from alcohol or something else, you do
(21:31):
have a support system and someone that is like a Stephanie in your will house and that's
championing, championing, championing.
That is a champion for you.
Well, I just flood that 100%.
I should do a second take, but I'm the editor and I don't have time to sit through this.
So you're getting it unfiltered.
Now the story that we told is really sad and sorrowful and I hope that that's not the
(21:55):
fate for anyone that is going through a similar process.
You know, if you are suffering with addiction or you know someone that is, there are definitely
resources available for you.
First and foremost, get in contact with a good therapist.
That's necessary.
And at the end of the day, you can always dial 988.
It's like 911, but actually helpful.
(22:17):
It's the suicide hotline and they do a lot of other things as well there.
That's a great jumping point for you to find resources for either someone that you know
that's going through a similar circumstance with abusing a substance or if you are yourself.
And that's a hard thing to go through.
You're not alone and I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that.
(22:38):
Gosh, my voice is so monotone.
I hope that you feel the authenticity of what I'm saying.
You love from across the pond.
I'm not British, but there could be a pond anyway moving on.
We're going to pivot here.
We're going to actually watch a movie that she and I have talked about previously called
Harold and Maud.
Now, spoiler alert, this is a great film, but we are going to discuss it, you know, thoroughly.
(23:05):
So if you've never seen the film before, I highly recommend you pause unless you don't
mind it being spoiled.
I mean, it came out like 40 plus years ago.
It's from the 80s.
I don't want to ruin it for you, but hello, you know, like we're going to talk about it
thoroughly.
This is a segment I really want to repeat because I thoroughly enjoyed watching the film
(23:25):
with a friend and discussing it after.
There's such rich dialogue in watching film.
That's one of the great aspects of it.
So I hope that that's something that will be reoccurring on the podcast.
I don't know how interesting it is.
So this is sort of like a beta baby test, but it's very much in theme with the episode
which is grief.
So just disclaimer, there's going to be some spoilers.
Now we tried to talk while we were watching the actual film and it just didn't land.
(23:50):
It was like, we need to stop and focus.
This is not, you know, Trixie and Katya watching something.
They do that so wonderfully.
I'm not them and I'm not trying to be.
We're just going to have a dialogue after we've seen the film.
Okay.
Now what is the film?
This is a classic American film.
(24:12):
It's like a one of the 250 films that you're supposed to see or whatever.
It's like in those AFI books, you know.
But this is specifically Stephanie's favorite film.
It deals with somebody who is so sad and so distraught with the circumstances in their life,
whatever they may be, that they don't have passion for living.
They're younger.
They're in their early 20s and they felt like that totally an outcast, which variations
(24:36):
of this we can all relate to, right?
But they find someone at a funeral of all places and you have to laugh because it is a dark
comedy.
She's this 80 year old woman or soon to be 80 year old woman that he essentially falls
in love with.
It's like the romance of our age.
I mean, you really, you got to go watch it.
(24:57):
Anyway, this is us talking about it.
Enjoy it.
But first, what is that up?
First, a word from my mother.
Hi everyone.
I'm Ellen Delifei and I've always got something to say.
Today's topic is about respect for the grieving family at the funeral from the service to the
grave side.
I do not know how it works for you are, but where I am from.
(25:21):
We drive in a line with our lights on following the hers with our beloved going through the
stop lights because there are patrol cars helping out with our safety.
And I'm going to tell you what's respectful and frankly, it is expected from those that
we encounter on this solemn journey.
The vehicles we meet pull off the road and stop out of respect.
(25:43):
Do not jump in our line.
Do not cut in and then cut out.
Do not ride on our bumper because you are irritated.
A sweet and gentle old man used to say he ain't never been teached.
Is that you?
Did you know that our disruption to your commute might present a fine time for you to count
(26:05):
yourself very lucky and might I even say blessed to not be in this line that we are in or in
a long car at the front?
Are you picking up what I am putting down?
Your day is coming, sweetie.
So I'm not really asking.
I'm telling you to show some respect.
You're welcome.
(26:28):
That was my mom and here's my dad.
We love the brevity, don't we?
John is an icon.
Okay, now we're going to get into it.
This is after we've seen Harold and Maud and we are just, she's a Pisces on the Cancer.
So the water signs are coming out of our tear ducts, all right?
I love that.
Oh, fucking sweating.
Oh my God, we finished Harold and Maud.
(26:49):
Or as I'd like to say, it wrecked me and ruined me.
I am so happy.
I got to watch it with you.
And I know that we had it on and we were talking, but like...
I just got for my baby.
I'm getting so emotional just thinking about it.
It was so good.
I told you.
Oh, it was so beautiful.
(27:12):
I love it.
I love you so much.
If you guys can see him, he's literally laughing and crying at the same time.
Because I'm so filled with joy for him that he's like, "God, this journey, but also my
cheating time."
I just, spoiler alert.
Oh!
You were going to be crying for the next three days.
(27:37):
What did I think?
What was I coming up with the plot beforehand?
I was talking about like, and they killed people.
Like, yes.
What did I watch?
Like, I don't know.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
They killed people.
Oh, God.
If you had been in my brain, I'd been like, I was like, I'm right.
I'm right.
I was so wrong.
You were so.
I've never doubt you ever again.
(27:57):
Not that I ever doubted you, but it was...
Oh, honey.
I'm so good at agreements.
I'm over the crying.
It was so good.
It was so good.
I told you.
From like, the writing, the directing, the acting, the cinematography, the soundtrack, like
everything about it was perfection.
Yeah.
I hope no one listens to what I was saying in the first take of this because you have
(28:19):
to watch the film.
Like, there was a point when we were watching it where I was like, we have to actually stop recording
because we were trying to do like, talk through it and like, watch it and like, talk during.
But that's a movie you have to just enjoy.
Yeah.
It's definitely...
We can save that for another movie, but this is like, there's just so much there that
she says that's so poetic and beautiful about life and...
(28:42):
Oh, like, she is...
I mean, she's my absolute favorite.
Like, she is...
I don't know why, there's a lot of wisdom she imparts in it that is so you coded, to be honest.
It really is because like, you do, you drop little nuggets.
Like, you're not always serious by any means, but like, you know, you'll be laughing about
(29:02):
your day and then you'll drop, just sprinkle this little thing in and I'm like, was I in a
Ted talk?
I mean, but in like a really, not in a like, rewarding way, you know, like, I'm like, I really
learned something.
Thank you, Confucius.
Like...
Ah, I will fucking take that.
You should.
Oh my god.
Just like her act.
I mean, everybody is just so...
(29:23):
You know what I do love about movies?
And not all movies back then did that, but a lot more back then than they do these days is
they let the camera roll and the silence.
I took their time with it.
Yeah, and they let these actors breathe and they let them come to life on camera.
(29:43):
So I went through...
I went through when I was an actor back in my previous life.
You're still an actor.
Okay.
Well, thank you, baby.
But, um, I went through this John Casavetti's, like, love where I watched all his movies and
I studied a lot of directors back then from like Stanley Kubrick to Billy Wilde or to...
(30:07):
Oh, we love Stanley.
Oh, I mean, it was incredible.
And I went on this Casavetti's kick and, you know, Nick Casavetti did the notebook.
Yeah.
Oh, you know that.
Mm-hmm.
And...
I don't know much, but that one I know.
You know John Casavetti says, "Dad, who was funny enough had a role in Rosemary's Baby?
(30:29):
Did you ever see that movie?"
Yes, I love it.
Okay.
So he was Mia Farrow's husband in the movie.
And you know Ruth Gordon was in Rosemary's Baby.
I don't remember that at all.
She was the evil high priestess.
Oh, I have to rewatch.
That was her.
Oh, my God.
That to go from...
What a way.
Well, been modded to this.
And pretty soon after it's famous, right?
Yes, it was like around the same time.
That's crazy.
So watch Rosemary's Baby now because she's so fucking...
(30:52):
You know what?
I bet when I watched it the first time, honestly, I kind of like...
I don't want to say God are confused.
I'm not going to say I'm that dumb, but like I couldn't get past what I had seen in Rosemary's
Baby from when I was younger.
And now enough times when it removed, I didn't even remember she was in it.
Yeah, yeah.
She's so good.
She's so good.
So, Cassavetti.
So, he was like known for...
(31:13):
None of his films were really like amazing, but he did a lot of movies with Jenna Rollins,
you know, from a notebook.
Oh, yeah.
And that's why Nick Kaster and that, because they were also together.
And not Nick, John and Jenna.
And so, like, women under the influence was a big one that Jenna started.
(31:33):
But if you watch his films, a lot of it was like...
I don't want to say crap, because that's not fair to say.
But a lot of it was just like...
Existing, right?
Like, there wasn't anything really like exciting, like we just watched.
There wasn't substance to it.
It was just sort of like witnessing things.
But...
(31:54):
And this is what he wanted for his films.
He wanted the camera to roll and for actors to live on camera.
And then there were moments that he captured that were like...
Holy fuck.
Like, you're watching it and you're like, "Oh my God, like even for that one moment, he would shoot like 10 hours of film."
(32:15):
And then these editors would have to sift through it.
- Those poor editors would... - And it...
Yes.
And it was like...
You were sitting here like, "Oh, I can kind of get into it."
I mean, there was some.
Women under the influence was a good film and now every other film is escaping me from him.
But I did watch all of his films.
But it was like...
It was so interesting to watch, because you kind of had a weed through a lot of it.
(32:36):
To get these like gems.
But the gems were like on another level.
Like, you were like, "Oh my fucking God, this is..."
Like a diamond in the rock.
Yeah.
So, as a filmmaker, like, you can appreciate those moments.
But as like a whole, I would rather watch like a hell-ass-be film,
where it just gives you gold from beginning to end, you know?
I mean, everything about this is exactly what you were saying though.
(32:59):
They really took their time with the breadth of it and like really just let it exist.
I wish that we would take more time to just live in the moment.
It feels like everything is so marvel in the sense that you have to have action, action,
action.
But the action a lot of time is the emotion or just even the breadth between the emotions.
Yeah.
(33:19):
I mean, the framing in this alone on how they would come into the shot or exit a shot.
I just...
It was like, "This is a film."
Did you...
You understand?
I'm getting emotional again.
I love you.
You're gonna call me like, like, two in the morning or something.
I mean, text.
I mean, you're screaming.
I mean, there was a quote that destroyed me in this and we kind of glossed over as we were
watching it because I was like, "Don't get emotional."
(33:41):
But she was like, "My body's on earth, but my soul is in the heaven."
No, my eyes are...
Of course I ruined it.
My body's in earth and my head are my eyes are in the stars.
Yeah, my head...
Yeah, my body is on earth, but take three.
Clap.
Yeah, they have to keep rolling on us because they'll find it eventually.
They sift through it, edit it, it's me, oh wow, staying in.
(34:02):
Yeah, my body is on earth and my head is in the heavens.
Yes.
And that was just such a little, like, throwaway nugget she was saying and it was just...
It ruined me.
It was like a philosophy book where you open up the course and you say, "You know what,
I'm not ready for Psych 101.
I'll come back in three years."
You know?
Right.
It was just so good.
(34:23):
What's your favorite quote from her in the song?
God, I don't know if I have a favorite quote.
That was an amazing quote.
I like when she says to him, when he's like, "I love you, Ma'am," and she's like, "I love you."
That's wonderful.
She's like, "So go and love some more."
Oh.
And it was like...
Oh my gosh.
That was when she was like...
Oh my gosh.
I was like, to be that selfless and to really just love somebody and let somebody go like
that.
(34:43):
But you know what?
Like, what I find always so incredible.
I mean, there were so many moments from the color of yellow for her or just...
Yeah, the color theory is strong in this movie.
Right.
Or just like, you know, all these little things that you...
I've everybody, if people watch it, like, you'll see throughout it.
But what I loved is you took this woman who was pretty much done with life, right?
(35:05):
Like, we look at 80 years old and we're like, "Well, you're at the tail end of life."
But she...
She was literally like a 15th child.
She was like a child.
Yeah, she's so youthful.
And I kept saying she's so much younger than him in the film.
Right.
And the love story that you think, "Oh, this 80-year-old and this 20-year-old."
I mean, that's so gross.
And it's really not.
It's the most beautiful...
Yeah, I judged it so simply.
(35:25):
I know, and everybody does.
When they hear about it, when they talk about it, but like, it's the most purist form of love.
It's like real love.
But my whole reason...
What I love about this with these characters is you take this woman who's 80 years old, who
lives life that she's 15.
And you find out, like, halfway through the film that she's a Holocaust survivor.
(35:46):
And they never address it.
No, they don't.
They just show the numbers on her arm, right?
Which were replicated on a license plate.
Right.
And you saw that, yeah.
And, you know, to my own horn.
Of course you did.
I didn't bring it up for that reason.
I really get right there.
But it's like, everything is so thoughtful.
Yes, everything is so thought out.
(36:07):
So you have this woman who's at that tail end of her life that still lives like she is
like a young child waking up in this excitement.
And she has been through some shit.
Like some real fucking shit.
Here he goes crying again.
Oh my god.
I just can't imagine.
I mean, her life from start to finish and we watch the tail end of it.
(36:32):
She's her take on life is something that I would love to impart on my younger self.
But you're not too young.
No, you're never too young.
But I'm saying I think that there's such as there's such an intelligence within this
film that every young person should witness because I think there's so many people
out there who live.
(36:53):
They don't live.
And her whole point is like, you've got to go out there.
You have to make mistakes.
You have to fully live because you're not living.
You're just passing by through life.
Right.
Right.
And she says that.
You're just the dead living.
Right.
But eventually you have this boy who has this incredible character arc.
Incredible.
And she really brings them out of that.
(37:15):
Who is born into riches, right?
He's born into luxury.
And he's an only child.
And he has a mother who's, yes, she doesn't pay attention to them.
And that's horrible.
Like, obviously he's going through stuff.
But she's not a monster.
It's right.
She's not being abused.
He has everything in his fingertips.
He can go to the best school.
He can study wherever.
(37:36):
Like, he doesn't have to really work.
Like, he is.
He's want for nothing.
All of his boxes are checked beyond.
And yet he looks at life as, I don't want to be here.
I want to die.
I.
It's pointless.
There's nothing to accomplish.
I'm unfulfilled.
But, yeah, then these two people that meet at such different points in their life, like,
(37:58):
recognize something in each other where they, like, fall in love.
And she brings this out of him to love life.
And it is just, I mean, to this day, like, I've seen this movie a million times and it never
gets old and they never not cry.
And it's just like, what a fucking beautiful story, you know?
(38:21):
And it's so simple, like, it's so simple.
And he goes on to live his life.
And at the end, when, you know, he decides to, after he turned his car into a horse and he drives
it off the cliff.
And she has passed away.
We've ruined this movie.
Now people, yeah, I'll have to put a disclosure.
Yeah, he might have to.
He will have to.
(38:42):
But, like, he drives it off the cliff and he's not in there.
He lets it go off.
But that's him.
It feels, well, they hint at Romeo and Juliet at one portion of the film.
And it's on his last date with the woman and it feels like it's going to be that arc at
the end for him because he's not going to be able to survive.
And then he moves on.
Right.
And then it's, but that's what, so let's talk about your hair.
And that's when I started really crying because I was like, wow, he really learned.
(39:06):
Because she really taught him.
But like, if that happened, if that happened, he was character at the beginning, he would
have gone off with it.
Right.
But the fact that he let it go.
And he would have never met her probably.
And he crashed.
He crashed his car and said goodbye to that life.
And he turns around and walks away and starts playing the banjo and realizes that no, like,
(39:29):
I have a life.
I'm here.
And it's okay to live it.
Like, she gave him that permission.
And it's like, but that editing at that, let me know.
That you were so right.
Like, you were so right.
I wish everybody could have seen because you, you, it was like watching it.
I mean, it was watching it for the first time really for myself.
But it was like, you knew all the points, but it was almost like you were witnessing everything
for the first time yourself.
(39:50):
Yeah.
And when we got to the ending, she was like, no, no, no, the editing though, like actually pay
attention.
You know, because she knows I'm ADHD.
Yeah.
You were like, no, no, but really pay attention to the editing.
It's the best editing I've ever seen.
And I, you were so right.
Right.
I was floored as much as the car was into the, the ocean floor.
I am so happy that you love it as much as I do, because it is, I couldn't be more passionate
(40:12):
about this film.
Right.
People have to witness this.
This is like, I'm telling you, I, when anybody ever
asks me like, what is your favorite film?
It is always like, has always been, will always be Harold and Maud.
And I look at you.
You're gonna be like this.
I can't get it together at all.
It's just like, it ruined me.
It was just so beautiful.
But in the best way, like, don't you like?
Oh, yeah, so happy.
(40:34):
Like she's a character that like, I know this sounds crazy, but I look up to her and I'm
like, my god, like, if I could be like her.
Yeah, even an ounce of her and she's been through such disparities with which I hope
no one ever will, you know, those atrocities are not something that will witness again in
our lifetime, I hope.
But like, what she witnessed and everything is just so, she could have been so negative.
(40:58):
I'm not sure.
Yeah.
And she could have hated life and.
Not paid him the time of day.
I mean, she did some, some things that were questionable, but because she didn't care.
She's like, I've been through some terrible things.
It's not justified for me to steal all these cars or like steal the cops.
Or like, which go girl, we love it.
But like, she's just an icon.
(41:19):
She's doing her life to the fullest.
Yes.
And that's, that's why I love the message.
It's just like, live your life to the fullest.
And when you watched it the first time, did you think she was going to die at the, I mean,
I thought she'd die, but I didn't think it was like, because she hinted, she hinted at
it at the beginning, like, well, Saturday's it.
Yeah, you heard that.
And I was like, okay, what does that mean?
I thought she was terminally ill.
(41:41):
I didn't think she was like, hey, you know what?
Yeah.
It's an honorable death.
I'm out of here.
I'm bragsidding.
But did you hear that?
That's not honorable, but yeah.
You heard that, but you missed a line that she said in the church at the beginning when she
said that at one of the funerals where she'd like, just met him.
(42:01):
She saw him for the second time and she was like in the, they're the pews, right?
And she was sitting behind him and she was like, he's 80.
And she goes, that's too long to live or something like that.
She was 85, he was 85 and she was like, that's too long.
Yeah, and she goes in all the evening.
Nothing good happens in the past 80.
Yeah, so that's why.
Like, so you heard that, okay.
(42:21):
But it didn't register with me because she kept pointing at it.
Like, listen, listen, like, this is key and I was like, whatever, you know, like, because
you don't want her to go.
I don't want her to go.
And yeah, but it was so important.
Right.
So at the end, when I saw it the first time and I saw it back in my 20s, so my husband
actually showed me this film.
(42:43):
Hey, there's a plus.
I know, right?
From the relationship.
I know.
That's the only good thing I got out of it.
I mean, I eventually saw it.
But, but yeah, so that's the only good thing I got.
Then there we go.
But I.
You couldn't give you the love that you got in the film, but you know what?
But you know what?
The film is eternal.
There we go.
Last forever.
Yeah.
H&M, baby.
That's what it stands for.
(43:04):
Harold and Ma, when you're buying that fast fashion, honey, it's Harold and Ma, baby.
I love you.
Yeah, I honestly, I, like, my ex-husband was like, this is a dark comedy.
So I knew that there was something heavy and I kind of, I don't think I was as perceptive
as you back then as far as like catching each, like, moment that she said it.
(43:29):
I think I caught one and then I registered it and I was like, oh, okay.
But I knew something was looming.
I just didn't know what.
But yeah, I think I was more perceptive because you were.
You were here to be honest.
If I had watched it alone, a lot of that would have passed by me.
Maybe.
I tried not to like, do that and let you just be, but there I was like, oh, you got a little
(43:50):
bit of experience.
No, you didn't ruin anything.
I just was, I knew how much you loved it and the weight was like important because it's
a film you like and I blasted it to smithereens.
Last time you were in my house, so just respectfully.
No, that's not it.
And I was like, I really pay attention and like it and I just like, oh.
I loved it.
You came around and you were in it.
I'm getting emotional mostly because she reminded me so much of my grandmother.
(44:15):
So for me, it was emotional watching it because I was like, oh, this is joy.
This is how she lived.
Oh, I can't.
I'm over the grief.
I swear to God.
My therapist is getting like bitch.
Yes, you are so cute right now.
You were going to be literally crying yourself.
I just like, some of the wisdom and like the way she'd be like, just get up and dance.
(44:38):
Like he was like, I just want to do a cartwheel right now.
And she was like, why not?
Why wouldn't you do that?
And he was like, was I'll be embarrassed?
My grandmother all the time and be like, get up.
Don't you want to just dance right now?
Just dance.
You know, I don't know if she did that with her kids, but she did that with all of us.
She really helped me bloom as a person.
It's hard to watch, love of that.
(44:59):
Oh, God, I love that, baby.
I'm going to edit that out.
No, don't edit it.
It just was so beautiful.
But like to have a grandmother like Ma, that'd be amazing.
Oh, God, yeah.
Amazing.
Yeah, I don't really see her in a romantic way for myself, but their relationship was so
(45:20):
organic, just like that wine they kept drinking.
It's okay, it's organic.
Yeah, every time they were, she was like, I don't drink.
She was like, it's okay, it's organic.
I just thought that was brilliant.
It was so great, but no, it was so tastefully done.
And like, it wasn't creepy.
Like, you want it.
It was creepy about it.
Nothing.
It was just...
(45:40):
I can imagine at the time period, you read the breakdown in a newspaper and you're like,
I don't really want to go see this old woman fall in love with this younger guy or whatever,
but you would be doing yourself such a disservice in missing it.
Yeah.
It's just so pure.
It's so pure in the life lessons and just, it makes you love life.
(46:01):
Like, it's not sad.
Like, it's like happy tears are crying.
It is, yeah, 100%.
It's just like you, you're sad that she passed and he's not...
Yeah, a little bit of angry tears too, I'm not gonna lie.
Right, but, but, you're also like, God, what she did for him and this love that they...
I'm just okay.
(46:22):
Oh God, here we go.
We're taking turns at least.
I know, look at us.
We are just fucking crime lovers.
Wait, I want to hear what you were going to say.
So, it reminds me, there's this friend of mine that I had in my life, this woman, Kelly,
years ago, when I was shooting this movie, April Moon, yes, you can all laugh, I play the
blind girl.
Stop, it's weird.
God, I'll have to show you one of these days.
(46:45):
But I met this woman on set and she was, she was an extra and she was so happy to be there.
She was, she was in her 50, 60s, like, but she had the energy of mod.
She was...
Is that before you had ever seen a film?
No.
I had seen mod.
I mean, Harold and mod.
(47:05):
And so when I met Kelly, I was instantly just this love for her.
Yeah, you were pulled to it.
Yeah, but she just had this energy and everybody was pulled to her.
And she was a little, a bit absent-minded, professory, but in the best way.
She was like one of those where she told me a story where she had her car for a very
(47:27):
long time and she went up to the gas station and she kept, didn't realize where the gas
pump was, like, on her side.
So she probably drove around it like five times.
Upsass.
And people are like laughing and she, this is her car.
She's like, how many times does she put gas in it?
She's like one of those people.
But she was also really wise, right?
And she was just a serious lover of life.
(47:51):
And she had two older kids, Nicole and Ryan, who did they?
You still talk to them?
I talked to Nicole.
Okay.
So Kelly and I grew really close and she just became a really good friend of mine.
She lived down to my killer.
So even after the movie, we'd stayed friends and whatever.
And then when I was 26, so like 2006, I got a call from her husband that she had been in
(48:20):
an accident.
Oh, no.
And she died.
Oh.
And I remember I was in Utah visiting a friend.
And when I got the call and I remember coming back on the plane and crying hysterically and
having to go to the funeral and I get a call from her brother and her brother had asked
(48:48):
me to speak because she loved me so much.
What an honor, but how overwhelming.
Yeah.
And I remember like, okay.
And I remember writing something and her kids couldn't speak.
It was like too hard because it was pretty traumatic.
I remember she had passed.
And so I remember sitting there like having everything like ready to go and my husband was
(49:14):
there at the time with me and all of a sudden before I was going to go out, maybe like five
minutes before, you know, the brother was up there talking and he had mentioned my name and
how much Kelly loved me when he was standing up there.
Like along with her daughter and her son and I just busted out crying and I'm sitting in
(49:37):
the back and I remember looking down and I was like, I said to my husband, I was like,
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
And he was like, he just looks at me and he was like, just do this for your friends.
Like, go up there and I'll go up there and stand with you.
And so I go up there and I look out and I see her son and daughter and her husband and
it's just breaking my heart.
(49:58):
And I give my speech and I felt good like I felt like I honored my friend, right?
And you know, people would come up to us and people that knew her and just I'm so sorry,
like to all of us.
And you know, everybody was saying sorry and sorry and sorry.
And I remember thinking like, God, I miss my friends so much.
(50:20):
Like she was just such a late in my life.
But she was only in my life for like a year and a half.
What an impact she had in my life and how honored I was and thankful to have her for even
a short amount of time.
And so when I watched this movie, even though like mod left and was not in the hero's life
(50:45):
for a short time, like the fact that he had that, he had her for even a short time.
It was everything, right?
And that's what I take with me now and what I take from the movie.
So as sad as it is, I look at it in a beautiful, positive way.
Just like I look at my friend, you I love dearly and miss.
(51:05):
But the fact that I could have her for that year and a half in my life was everything to
me.
And I'm forever grateful for that, you know?
But it's like the same thing like that.
So it's like happy tears.
Yes.
Not like, oh, you left, you know?
Yes, absolutely.
Oh my God, we both had a mod in our life.
(51:27):
What were so blessed?
We're so lucky.
I feel like we have grown from and you had said this off the recording time.
You felt like maybe you aligned with Harold at one point in your life and you've kind of
evolved more into the mindset of mod.
Yeah.
And don't you feel like having someone like her in your life helped mold that?
Oh, for sure.
(51:49):
And I think just like as you go through stuff in your life and not that I like I came from
a middle class family, my parents were great.
I had an amazing childhood.
I didn't have the childhood of Harold, but you know, when you just go through stuff that's
harder and I was alone when I came to LA for a long time and, you know, just finding yourself
(52:09):
and being in the entertainment business and finding who you are and you just kind of,
you don't know and you feel alone and you feel sad and you feel lost and that's where I
relate to Harold in that way, not in the way of like wanting necessarily stuff or, right,
or like hating my mom and that.
(52:30):
But the loneliness and the confusion portion.
Yeah, it's just like that.
And I think it's safe to say that all of us have experienced that growing up.
Oh, yes.
I think it's just, I love the, and that's what I'm saying, the evolution of these characters
are just so powerful, you know.
And they're timeless.
I mean, there's something for everyone in this film.
(52:51):
I know.
All of them are good.
The mom was.
Oh, Lord.
I love that woman so much.
I feel like she's like a bit of you.
A little bit.
I mean, I would never treat my child like she does with ignoring, but like her sort of
flair for the dramatic.
So, so there.
It's so there.
(53:12):
And her outfits are insane and just for access.
It's just, yeah, her trans Atlantic hot.
That's British.
That is full blown British.
That is not what she did at all in one moment.
But it was so good.
But yes, I'm so happy that we were able to watch this.
Me too.
I'm so thankful that you came over tonight.
This is what I needed today.
(53:32):
Yeah.
For sure.
Everybody go watch the film.
You can find it on Turner Classic movie currently.
It's streaming there and I'm sure it'll be off by the time that you listen to this.
So go find it yourself or rent it.
Okay.
All right, guys.
Much love whether you're a herald or a maw or anywhere in between.
Go and prosper.
I gotta go cry.
I don't know what to say anymore.
Oh my god.
(53:53):
I love you.
This episode is obviously dedicated to Crash.
And we mentioned my grandmother.
So I'm going to dedicate it to Joyce as well.
I honestly like the beta test of this full watching movie and then discuss the discourse
after.
So next week we're having a really fun merger of episodes.
It's going to be a crossover episode with The Horror and The Hissitant.
(54:16):
A podcast that already exists.
We're going to be watching a scary movie.
Something I picked.
It's a little campy because I picked it.
It's called Ginger Snaps.
So watch that at your home work this week.
You can catch it currently on the peacock app or you can rent it forever.
And then we'll discuss it next week for Halloween.
(54:36):
And especially I want to thank the makers of this wonderful film Harold and Maud.
Everyone that was in charge of getting this picture made at Paramount from the ground up.
You all just master your masters of your craft.
You did a great job.
You'll probably never hear this because you're like bitch we made this 40 years ago.
(54:57):
Where were you with?
Where were you then?
Well, I think you got a lot of accolades.
So I hope you're just filling the flowers coming your way.
Again, I'm sending them out to you.
I'm sending you love.
And of course, thank you to my wonderful friend Stephanie Rival for being back a third time
around.
Hello, gold medal, gold medal, gold medal.
(55:19):
Just great.
Just iconic.
And to you listener, bye.
See you next time or here you next time.
Nope.
You'll hear me next time.
Scratch that.
Bye.
Are you sick of me yet?
Oh my God.
It's been sponsored by Kleenex.
Pass.
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