January 21, 2025 • 49 mins
It's our first proper catch up of the new year! Let's find out what the Clown and the Wolfman have been upto over the festive period, including a ton of work and a better than before Disney trip.
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(00:02):
This is a global playeroriginal podcast.
Veerkaming.
This is the Restless Nativespodcast with the clown and the Wolfman,
a completely unscriptedversion of it.
Because in all honesty, Ihaven't written anything today.
(00:24):
So off the top, honesty is thebest policy.
Sometimes you've just got toown it.
So, right, without any scriptin front of me, here is the free
wheeling introduction forMartin Compston.
We are joined today by thewaistcoat wearing TV detective Turbo
Banana himself, Mr.
Malteserise, the one and onlyVegas Grinochian.
It is Mr.
Martin Compston.
(00:45):
Hello, Martin.
He never says your thing isthe what?
The fragrant pouting.
The gorgeous, fragrant poutingmini sky.
That's your go to thing.
I've never told you thisbefore, but I nicked that right off
a brilliant guy called PhilTodd from Paisley.
He was a fucking great guy, Toddy.
And Toddy, he wouldn't mind mesaying, enjoy the drink, and used
to come and sleep in my officeat the newspaper to get out of trouble.
(01:07):
And he used to write, he usedto do fantasy football every week,
you know, dream team.
And I won it one year and Ithink, I think I want.
It was a decent amount ofdough, like, I want about 800 quid.
And I said, you know what,Toddy, right, let's put it behind
the bar.
And I ended up getting abottle for 400 quid from the pub.
They're like, yeah, they drankanother 400 quid, they said it.
(01:31):
The fucking cheeky bastardshave put 800 quid behind the bar.
But Toddy was a great lad,used to come and he was an ex para,
a sub editor and hard asfucking nails.
And Toddy used to write areport every week on who'd done well
and who'd done badly and allthe rest of it and it was fucking
dynamite.
And I never forget, I'msaying, and for the female players
(01:52):
in the league this week, thegorgeous, pouting, fragrant, mini
skirted such and such is topof the league, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
So it's Toddy, it's part orthief Martin is what I'm telling
you, but I'd like to say it'sa nod to him.
And yeah, and I'm the WolfmanGordon Smart here.
What?
A few weeks in the space timecontinuum into the new year, we've
said happy New Year, weirdly,but it's the first time I've seen
(02:12):
you since a.
Couple things that bubbles upwas wild, brilliant, like, because
it's such an iconic characterand I'm actually Glad I wasn't there
to bet because this happenedto me on Still Game.
I was such a fan of StillGame, right?
And then.
And I was.
(02:32):
And they'd asked me to do acouple of times.
I said, look, guys, no,because I don't want to see the magic.
I don't want to see becauseit's one Trailer Park Boys and Still
Games, sort of like in Friendsis that kind of thing like I put
on at night or when I'm insick bed or something like that.
So you.
And I remember sitting in a,in a trailer before shooting and
seeing Greg and Ford andyou're seeing old Jack, old Victor
(02:55):
puffing on a vape and I went,oh, it's, you know, it's gone a bit.
So I'm just so to see, to seeBubbles there, I think, I think it'd
been too much for me.
But something I wanted to askyou about, it was because just the,
the time we start at 5 o'clockin the morning for me, right?
And you do that.
I've started, I've started atlike 4, but by the time I get the
(03:16):
car and go through the makeup,get breakfast, run through, fucking
costume thing that you've gottime to wake up.
But I was like fucking settingthe alarm there for like quarter
to five because I went, I needto get some kept.
And then coming on cbu, Damonat the radio.
Oh, mate, it's fucking hard toswitch on and go, right, you know,
wait, get, get engaged rightnow, today.
(03:37):
The alarm went off at five tofour and the car picked me up at
10 past four.
So I got up, got in a shower,got out the shower, got in a car
and then I did a pre record onthe fires with an amazing guy, like
an American firefighter.
And he was on it.
I mean, fair play from takingthe time to talk to us, but in my
brain I'm like, I really wantto still be in bed.
(03:57):
And you've got.
It's amazing how adrenalineswitches you on.
You know, like Johnny Vaughancalls it Dr.
Showbiz, doesn't he?
But it's tough, mate, it's tough.
And also those little thingsthat are words on the tip of your
tongue when you're wide awakethat just immediately fall out your
mouth.
See, when you're tired,they're not there.
And it happens to me on theradio in the morning quite a lot
when I'm like, oh, what's theword I'm looking for?
(04:17):
Like the other day I wanted tosay extrapolate and I couldn't find
extrapolate in my brain.
And about 1:00 in theafternoon, I'm like, fuck's sake.
It was extrapolate.
That's the word.
So it does drive you mad.
You're not meant to be thatswitched on at that time.
You need time to fucking wake up.
Because I was genuinely first15 minutes, I was like, I'm still
trying to get my head together here.
To be fair.
You are brilliant in the morning.
(04:38):
You're really, really good inthe morning.
You're good at getting outyour scratcher, you're good at getting
out your bed.
It's not.
I work best after midnight ifI've been up all day, not in the
morning.
Life's the same fucking.
There's your joke.
Fucking walked, right?
I can't believe she does all work.
She works all.
Like.
She's in this office, likedrawing, like she does the.
(05:01):
The concepts of parties and that.
So she does all the 3D drawingand all that stuff.
But she does it because sheworked in nightclubs as well.
But she works at night all the time.
See, when I get to a certaintime, I just want to be out on it
or in my bed.
It's a fair point.
It's funny.
Was that Danny Baker used tosay it as well.
Don't let the light in on the magic.
Right.
(05:21):
And that point you just madeis genius about seeing.
Was it Ford or Greg?
It was on the vape.
And suddenly that in yourhead, they're not those characters
anymore.
Yeah.
And I've had that a few timeswith the job where you turn up on
set to interview somebody andyou see them in a different light
and they're no longer thatperson that you've held in such.
He's gone.
It's mad.
It's good to preserve it,isn't it?
(05:42):
But he stayed in character allthe way through because we can talk
about it now.
He's not here.
His real name is Mike Smith and.
It was two of those glasses.
For anybody who hasn't seenTrailer Park Boys, the so.
But these.
It's about a trailer park which.
Which is a rough sort of.
In North America.
It's where sort of like peoplewho can't afford houses and stuff
all kind of live, you know,and it's.
(06:03):
It's.
It's.
It's kind of iconic.
They got you.
Everybody knows that.
They can call them trailerpark trash kind of hanging all that.
But his character is this wekind of guy with the.
His jaw jutting out, who talksin this mad way with These massive
milk bottle glasses, just themost ridiculous gear.
Who looks after cats, fixesshopping trolleys and runs a boot
(06:27):
and a go kart, this thing.
And it's just that, like, Iand I.
I'd met him and Charlie andI'm obsessed with that character
in terms of.
Just because he's so.
Actually, as he says it, theworld's just a shitty place at time.
And then that thingy.
But he's just.
You just want to give him ahug because he always tries to see
the best in people.
But when I bumped into them, Ibumped into Charlie at the airport
(06:49):
and he.
And he says, hi, Martin, howyou doing?
All that stuff.
And he went, oh, this is.
This is my mate Mike.
We're over here shooting a thing.
And I was like, he's shooting.
Can I.
Like, I feel like I know himor he's.
But I've knee.
I didn't.
He went, oh, yeah, he playsBubbles and Trailer Park Boys.
And I had no.
Even just when he was sittingbeside you, as soon as you took him
glasses off and changed hisvoice, he.
(07:11):
Was another guy, differentguy, totally different guy.
And it's frustrating becauseafterwards we're starting to have
a conversation.
So he knows Charlie throughthe Paul McCartney thing and he's
like, oh, we were backstage atthe gigs at Christmas, because McCartney's
just.
He always does it aroundChristmas, these amazing dates.
And when he's got a guestlist, it was Kate Moss, George Clooney,
Ronnie Wood.
And he said a great thing.
(07:31):
He said, they all asked me totake a picture of them and he said
I forgot to ask to have onewith them.
It's like that mad thing whereyou forget to ask to do it.
But the thing about being incharacter, like, I've heard this
quite a lot in my career whenI was doing the bizarre stuff, because
the first time it happened waswhen Keith Lemmon or Lee Francis
avid Marion.
And that was the firstChristmas I worked in newspapers
(07:53):
in London on the Bazaar column.
And he released do youremember proper Crimbo?
The Christmas Song.
And he came in and I'mspeaking to him like Lee Francis.
And he wouldn't come out ofcharacter as avid Marion.
And then you just feel soweird because you're having a conversation
with this, like this creation.
But to fair play to him, itmade his.
The way he came across in allthe film and looked brilliant and
(08:15):
he'd put it in his documentaryand agent Nick managed them, weirdly.
Got to.
It's mad.
You've got to commit to thatkind of thing because it's even.
I just.
I'm start my next job and.
And then they throw in the.
The curveball, like, yeah, doyou want to do this in an accent?
We're thinking of this becauseit's funny because to somebody they
(08:35):
just think, oh, you're son of voice.
But that affects the whole wayyou double the work.
Right?
Yeah, it's.
It is double with the work,but it can be helpful.
But it is.
I mean, whatever accent, I do that.
And now I'll live in that.
Yeah.
While I'm filming.
So it's it.
And it does weirdly affect, Iwould say the way you walk, the way
(08:56):
you look, the way you talk.
Just the.
The voice does change it.
So I think it's funny tosomebody to just kind of throw in.
But I mean, as you saw it withMike there when he was.
When you're doing bubbles, thephysicality of it.
Yeah, he's just is.
It just informs.
So it can be.
It's a fucking massivecommitment for.
I mean, it's a credit to him.
He's so different again whenhe's half.
(09:18):
That's true.
And those glasses having aprop are such a big help to him.
And he's only got one pair ofthose glasses.
I was like, you need to getthem remade.
But again, like Sacha BaronCohen, because I did the bizarre
column six years.
So I had him as Borat, Brunoand the dictator, if you remember.
So when he came in as thedictator, he stayed in character
(09:41):
for the whole thing and theoffice were loving it.
Right.
When he was doing that.
But then he started makingjokes about Rupert Murdoch in his
son office.
He said, you think I'm a dictator?
What about your boss?
And it was fucking brilliant.
But then we got on the liftafterwards and to take him downstairs
and it was just me and him andone of his mates and he just started
speaking to me normally.
So he's like, so, Gordon,what's happening then?
(10:02):
It's really hard to then justgo back into it.
It's quite disconcerting.
But fair play to him, youknow, if that's what he needs to
do.
And a fair play to you forintroducing me to it as well, because
I started watching TrailerPark Boys because of you and I'm
just getting into it now andI'm already.
I'm in.
I got into it from Tom Davis.
Yeah.
Did you.
(10:32):
Not see you?
How was.
How was your Christmas?
How was your New Year?
Once again, ended up being thesupply teacher, didn't I?
So I worked loads OverChristmas, up to Christmas.
You came dressed as one todayas well.
It.
You had your glasses on my bubbles.
I was like, nice of you tocome dressed as bubbles today.
(10:52):
And I have come dressed as I.
I worked quite a bit on theradio and stuff, you know, just.
I've gone from being 10 jobsgogs to a few jobs gogs.
But I had a deadline for Men'sHealth with the guy that talking
in riddles, I'm gonna David Beckham.
So I had to get that all doneover Christmas, which was a bit of
a weight on my shoulders.
But today's the first day I'veheard word back saying, right, we're
(11:15):
happy whatever end you've doneand must be.
It's been maybe over a year ofmaking it happen, organizing it,
writing it.
It's the first ever international.
All covers of the magazinewill be David Beckham.
So it's like a big deal to doit and I'm just glad that's.
And then I went down to SohoHouse in the Cotswolds for New Year,
(11:38):
which was Matt Hancock was there.
I've never seen somebody justpeople randomly walking up and giving
him abuse.
And like, the more I had todrink, I was like, I might have to
go and say something to himbecause I think a lot of lives were
affected by his mishandling ofthe COVID time, you know, so that
was bit surreal.
(11:58):
Why the fuck is he.
It was him.
Who else was there?
Michael McIntyre was there.
Howard Donald from Take thatwas DJing.
And yeah, I went down andalso, mate, I drove down in an electric
car.
I've got this Genesis car, right.
And I drove down and tested itto see how far I could do.
And mate, it was minus three,minus four.
The weather was grim and likean electric car and those temperatures
(12:21):
really.
So it took me 11 hours to getthere and that was a bit of a test,
mate.
So I challenged myself to getdown, did that, came back and then
that's me right back in it now.
I've been doing breakfast andfive Live and More, Men's Health
and all that, so.
And then it's good to catch upand do the podcast and see.
It was good to see CharlieLightning as well, mate.
It was, yeah, yeah, that was grand.
(12:41):
But what about you?
Did you have a good New Year?
Really quiet.
Say Tiana was in a holidayjust because, I mean, the only time
I can, like, I can guaranteethat I'm off all year is between
Christmas and New Year.
Yeah.
So she.
She went away with it for herpals 40th.
So I'd.
(13:02):
I'd heard Godson and the Wee Fella.
So I was.
It was full on.
It was good.
It was good cracking.
Because I'm on the road a lotthis year.
So it was good to get timewith it.
But so very quiet.
No, I never had to drink thewhole time.
It's first time Christmas Dayand New Year.
I didn't make the Bellsbecause we went to Disneyland the.
On the morning of the 1st.
(13:22):
I tell you what, mate, you picked.
This up, right, from lastyear, right?
Because you went.
You had the disaster at this.
It was that last Christmas.
I, I Exactly.
That was last Christmas.
That was last Christmas wherewe couldn't eat.
We turned up, we bought tickets.
But we didn't know you had toreserve your days.
And that's the busiest part iscompletely sold out for, for that
(13:42):
entire period.
So they just literally saysoff you pop.
So we had to rebook it fornext year.
But we got down there and itwas better.
So we actually changed hotelsthis time to stay on site which was
such a.
Such an ease.
But mate, I didn't know therewas so many kids in the world.
There's millions of them.
You're a unicef.
Honestly, mate, Everywhere and but.
(14:06):
And they're all after tits oncotton candy.
They're all wild, man.
It was, it was, it was a mad.
It's like being with you atthe Groucho.
But it was.
It's a surreal play.
And it's so.
Because it's Christmas, it'spacked and you've got this thing.
There was actually a guyFairplay and kind of brought it back
(14:27):
because you've got two parks there.
You've got Disneyland andyou've got California Adventure and
they're right across thestreet for each other.
So you can pop across.
You got this thing called theLightning Pass.
Right.
Which means.
Because the queues, queues forevery decent ride.
Like was like an hour long wait.
And I'm like, you're not goingthere and just standing in queues
all day.
Especially with a five year old.
No.
(14:47):
And but the Lightning Pass wassupposed to be.
You could only book one rideat a time on this Lightning Pass.
Yeah.
And so we got there at like9am the first day.
We said.
I said, I want to try that.
What was it?
The Matterhorn.
And it went first book in9:00pm 9:00pm not joking.
9:00pm so you couldn't, youcould only go on.
So this thing and you can onlybook one hang at a time.
(15:09):
Yeah.
So you could either book thatand wait till 9pm and that's your
day.
Go on.
Yeah.
Or just kind of bob a boot andthen end up waiting in queues.
But we what kind of did saveit was.
So we got on a lot, a lot ofthe other videos.
It was a brilliant time.
But there's this.
The wee man's cars.
Daft.
Yeah.
Like the McQueen and all thatkind of thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And we got.
(15:29):
So we went to Cars Landing.
That was great.
And there's like proper.
It's mad.
There's like real life sizelight McQueen's and it's driving
a boot like with nobodyhanging them.
It's bizarre.
And the best ride at the bothof them is, is the new cars ride.
And that was phenomenal.
But even with that, you had tobuy a separate ticket to go on that.
It's so popular.
That doesn't even come withyour Disneyland tickets.
(15:51):
It's a racket, isn't it?
It's a proper racket, mate.
Yeah.
And I was like, so we didDisneyland the first day, we're doing
California Adventure the next day.
And I went to tea, I said,look, we'll do Disneyland that day.
And I said, we'll go intoCalifornia Adventure at the end of
the night, I'll go buy aticket there for the next day, whatever
time that may be at the end ofthe night.
And we walked up because thewee man was getting knackered by
(16:11):
that point.
And I said to the guy, I said,look, mate, what's the deal with
us?
Can we get these Lightning passes?
Where can we buy tickets andwhat time for the Mora?
And he says, it just a threes.
And I went, I said, oh, can'tyou go?
The new front.
Yes.
And that wee bit of kindness.
Magic, Magic.
Honestly, mate, just what a difference.
He says, just can.
The queue was still massive.
And he went, yeah.
(16:32):
He says, look, you paid forthem Lightning passes, mate.
On you go.
Just walk, walk through.
And that ride was phenomenal.
And it like, it made hisentire trip.
And it was just like that tinywee bit of kindness for that guy.
Just brought me right back tothe class, isn't it?
It's amazing in 2017, I thinkit was.
So the year after I left thepaper, I promised Kate that I would
do Florida properly.
(16:52):
Right.
Because she loved it when shewas a kid.
Like big Google Mehen used totake them away in the summer for
three weeks and they'd get avilla and go all the parks and stuff.
And we went, 2017, it's thesame Thing, right?
You buy.
What's it called?
A magic band.
And we stayed in the DisneyHotel and all that.
It's probably the mostexpensive holiday we've ever been
on as a family.
And it's the angriest andgrumpiest I have ever been.
(17:13):
To the point where Kate, wecame back and she's like, I'm never,
ever going away with you again.
But it pissed me off becauseit's like you say, have you got a
fast pass ticket for this?
I remember Jimmy same as you.
So Laurie would have been thesame age as the wee man, right?
So that would have been, what,eight years ago?
Yeah, exactly the same age.
And she wanted to go toBibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, right?
And Jimmy wanted to go and bea Jedi.
(17:34):
And I remember you got to goto Jedi school and it was the first
thing on the first day youcould get into the park.
And I remember the stampede ofpeople running to be at the front
of the queue for the Jedi, theJedi training school.
I thought, this is horrible.
And it was on the other sideof the park.
But then, to be fair, Jimmygot there and it was one of the best
(17:56):
things I've ever seen.
A wee boy with his lightsaberfighting Darth Maul and Darth Vader
and all that.
And it sounded amazing.
And then you think, stop beinga miserable bastard.
It's not about you, is it?
And that's the point you're atin your life, where it's not about
you.
It's not your holiday.
It's not that.
It's just.
You just think.
It's the cues, man.
(18:17):
It's like.
I was looking at some people.
It's wild, isn't it?
You wait, there's some of thelines was like, tours a pop.
And I'm like, so you're justgoing to stand there for tours and
the rides last like a minuteand a half.
It's a daft question.
Was it hot?
It was actually, yeah.
At first it was roastingbecause there was a pool or hotel.
And that was his favoritething, like all this.
He'd go to the park and hesaid, can we just go swimming?
And that was his.
(18:37):
So it was.
It was good.
So that was, say, sober.
Because I've got to get reallyit back in because I've got such
a.
I'm filming a documentary herein Vegas in a couple weeks and then
I start this new job and thefear has kicked in, man.
Just because you're like.
But that says before but feared.
I've Said you can use it well,like it keeps you on your toes.
(18:58):
Because I'm like, right nowyou need to get your arson gear because
it was one.
Actually, I don't know if Ishould say this.
I think if we take it, there'sa lot of action in this next job.
And I'm working with our, withour pal Kieran Hawks and I'm running
about with a gun quite a lotand there's a specific gun and we've
(19:20):
got an unwritten.
Like, I, I don't, I don't like guns.
But you've got to see inAmerica and you can't have the conversation.
This is their culture.
Right.
They believe it's their, it'sthe, it's the right.
And it's your first date withTiana's mom.
Yeah.
And that's kind of where I'mgetting to this.
So there's Tiana's mum becauseI'm away quite a lot.
She, she practically liveswith us, you know, I mean like she's
(19:42):
got her own room at the house.
And so I don't like, I don'tlike guns.
And I mean she's an ex cop andyou know, and they kind of believe
in it and protect your homeand all that kind of thing.
So I think it's like anunspoken thing.
Like there may be a gun inthis house, but I don't want to know
where it is or because.
But it's all this kind of hang.
Like it's a fourth Amendment,isn't it?
Said safes.
(20:02):
Yeah.
And it's these fingerprint ones.
Like only hard gut, only shecould make it work.
And I was like, said I waslike, I've got this training.
I've got like, I've got thisjob coming up.
I said, what's it like to usea, to use like the gun, do the train.
She says, what type of gun is it?
(20:23):
I went, a Glock.
And she went, wait there.
And she come back with thisbag like John Wick shit.
There was some heavy equipment.
That's always my argument withpeople that have guns in America.
It's like, okay, I understandthat you have the fourth amendment
or whatever it is.
Every, every person has aright to defend their home and property.
But why do you need an assault rifle?
(20:43):
And then that's what I'llnever understand.
Yeah, I mean she never had that.
So it's all police issued guns.
But it's like the mags and stuff.
But yeah, that's the, the thing.
I'll, I will never.
I Mean, look, we in Vegas knowall too well with that hotel shooting,
I mean if that guy only hadhandguns, 70 people wouldn't have
been killed.
You know, if you're, he's,he's spraying military grade weapons.
(21:04):
I'm the same with you.
Not like I, that's where myargument shifted from where I used
to say you shouldn't haveguns, but that's part of their culture.
My argument would be, no, whydo you need.
I went doing it in myneighbors flowerney.
So they said this guy had a bazooka.
Jesus man, I said that.
(21:25):
I've told you, didn't I?
The guy had an argument with her.
Should never have got into it,but I'd had quite a bit of whiskey
and it was an NYPD cop and hesaid to me he had an assault rifle.
And I went, why'd you need that?
And he said hunting.
And I laughed.
And one of the firemen I waswith was like don't.
What are you doing?
And I went, you must be shy athunting if you need an assault rifle.
And I could hear everybody go quiet.
(21:46):
And the guy was looking at melike it was a start of a fight.
You don't get, you don't getinto it with them.
Like they go, they go mental.
Like I, I, I've, it's asubject I, I stepped away.
So you're going to be anaction playing an action role.
Brilliant.
Be bobbing and weaving.
Can I mention the bit of DIYyou've been doing with Tiana?
(22:08):
Whoa, hell man.
Can I mention it?
Martin's built a sex swing inthe garage.
Hey, it could double as that.
Could I?
So you've got the right I, I,like she asked me like you get into
that agent but you're justlike, you still get lovely surprises
but Woody aren't actually one.
(22:28):
And I've got a wee gym andlike I had a wee sort of throw together
gym in the garage.
I said you know what?
I'd like a proper kit.
Yeah.
And she didn't mess around.
No, this thing is like, it's aproper gym grade, like all the kind
of hang up but it took a bit.
I mean it would be enough tokeep you fat.
Assembling thing took threedays and a couple of times like I
gave up.
(22:48):
I was like, I kind of, I kindof keep building this thing.
There's ropes, there'spulleys, there's bolts, there's,
there was everything but it'snot together.
It's a serious bite.
Is there enough room besidethe trike for it to fit in.
Oh mate, I think I'm going outon the trike next month.
I'm going out on a trike next month.
So American now again.
(23:08):
I hate, I hate we know we do this.
I hate speaking in riddles butall be announced soon.
But the documentary I'm therein Vegas is going to be a lot of
fun.
I think it's just basically merunning about Vegas doing whatever
I want a day which is conceptsounds amazing but that'll be.
I think that'll be something today.
But yeah it's just going to be a.
It's a wild start to yearwhich is nice to kind of be home
(23:30):
and this is running about withthe wee fella and getting good timing
because it's gonna be a busyold start.
But exciting, really exciting.
And then you've got the fearcoming out as well.
Right mate.
That's the kind of.
It's not far off like I'm really.
It's a far.
(23:51):
It's this stuff I've beenthinking about quite a lot with this
job because the rigs are atthe minute and it's smashing it which
I'm delighted again with theresponse for the fans has been amazing.
But it's a weird thing to bein where stuff that you do, how it's
a success is judged very differently.
Like the reggae is all aboutthe numbers because it's big, it's
(24:14):
out there and stuff.
And you know I wouldn't.
I want to say the names incase of the certain publications
but you know those, you know,even before you date you're going
to get hammered by certain.
By certain papers and stuffand critics or whatever.
But with that it's all aboutthe fan reaction.
That's all that matters.
And fear is all about thecritic reaction.
(24:35):
Yeah.
But it's mad when you go how.
How different things aredeemed a success.
Yeah.
So we're rig.
I think we're off to a good start.
Yeah it's again it's such a.
Such a tough world to.
To keep because there's somuch that everything now you said
we've said this before likeour industry struggle at the minute
(24:57):
so to get anythingcommissioned is really tough.
So to get somethingcommissioned to a third series as
a high high bar.
It's.
It's off to a great start butit's quite nerve wracking like just
going is it still.
Because you've got to keeptrying keep.
Is people still talking about it?
Is it still going but withfear like I hope as many people say
(25:18):
see it as possible, but it'smainly just about how it goes down
critically.
Yeah, it's.
It's a strange thing to hangright, how's this?
Like, Rick can be seen allover the world or by.
Maybe by 100 times as manypeople see fear, but fear could be.
Yeah, gathered critically is better.
Was it.
Michael Caine said that,didn't he?
(25:38):
I love that quote.
For every Get Carter, There'sa Jaws 4.
No, but.
No, no, don't.
Because I.
I heard this.
Because I heard this.
Colin Farrell said this theother day and I think it was a brilliant
quote.
He says this idea actorsaying, I do one for them, one for
me.
I don't like that either.
Like, it's.
It's like you should begrateful for each job sort of thing,
(26:00):
you know, and you commit to every.
To everyone you're in.
Like.
Especially something that rigsthe most.
I think he meant it was more about.
I think he meant it was moreabout money for him, though.
He was like.
If you're doing it.
If you're doing it for themoney, you're.
Yeah, you're sort of.
Then doing it for.
Not for the.
The wrong reasons, I'm saying.
(26:20):
But even if you're going likethat, you've still got to commit
because somebody's.
At the end of the day,somebody's written it, of course,
somebody's taking the time tofilm it.
There's crew working on it.
I've never know, like, if I'mon something, you're on it.
And I, I'm.
I mean, look, well, we've allhad a pop strippers versus werewolves
over the years and believe me,that one wasn't done for the money.
(26:42):
You're speaking to the guy gotcut from Lesbian Vampire Killers.
But yeah, I think it's my.
I've never been huge talkingdown stuff that you've been part
of.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, totally, because I.
Because you could say, like,yeah, I had to do Jaws Force.
But then some of the.
Probably the guy who wasfucking directed Jaws fors probably
(27:02):
that was the highlight.
His life was Michael Caine.
It's a mad thing, isn't it?
Because on the radio in thelast however many weeks, the amount
of times we've been talkingabout Gavin and Stacy and all that
and, you know, honestly, mate,I know it was a tiny wee thing I
got to do in it and it was2009 and I remember, like going and
spending a couple of days inCardiff with James when they were
shooting that stuff.
It was magic to see it.
But it's like that Line ofDuty thing that Gavin and Stacey
(27:24):
has, where it's so beloved bythe people of the country that even
the smallest thing becomes ahuge story.
And I put some of the picturesup from the nightclub from that little
thing I did, and it went mental.
But then we got the girl on who.
I don't want to do spoilers inthe podcast, but she bumped into
James and Ruth in the SohoHotel when they were right in the
(27:45):
Christmas special.
And she'd never told anybodythat that had happened until she
came on the radio and she toldthe story on the radio.
And because it was a Gavin andSt, that little clip of her talking
on the radio has been listenedto, I think 3 million times now and
shared, because everybody'sobsessed with every tiny little intricacy
of it.
And it's like, I noticed thatevery time you do promo, every time
(28:07):
you have to talk aboutanything you're doing, it's like,
you know, it's like an artistbeing asked about their most famous
song.
Every interview for you nowstarts with, so, come on then, Martin,
when's it gonna happen?
With Line of Judy, which usually.
How do you feel about it?
Because I was gonna ask youabout us.
Because it's usually the lastquestion and I can feel.
Yeah.
And sometimes it is prefacedwith, martin, I've got to ask, because
(28:29):
what's that like, being onthat side of it when you know you've
got a.
The worst one for me is JohnnyMarr, right?
Because, you know, every otherband pretty much has got back together,
despite how much they hatedeach other.
And, you know, everybodylistening's thinking, has he spoken
to Morrissey recently?
And they hate each other,like, beyond the worst hatred.
But you feel obliged justbecause there's the off chance it'll
(28:51):
happen.
And it is annoying as well,because, you know, there's loads
of.
There's not one person involved.
You've got producers saying,the social media manager now, all
the other people saying, oh,you've got to ask, you've got to
ask.
And then if you don't do it,it's like, why didn't you ask him
about that?
And you're like, because he'sbeen asked a fucking million times
and it's the same answer.
I could record your answer towhat you're gonna say on Line of
(29:12):
Duty now.
And I'm kind of.
It actually winds me upwatching you being asked by people
now, well, you know what?
But this sounds like a stockanswer because I Said, but it's genuine
to me.
See, when people stop askingabout it, that'll be a sad day.
I try him.
See, this happened to me whenit was younger and it was sweet 16.
I feel like it was a realmonkey on my back.
And I was like, will peoplestop talking to me about, like, I'm
(29:34):
more than this and all that?
Can I.
But we're line of duty again.
It's happened at an age of me,like, I'm just, yeah, proud of the
thing and, like, yeah, I'mglad people want us back.
I've got a lot of regretsabout not asking the right question,
actually, because when no wentsolo, he had a press conference at
the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill.
And his publisher said, do usa favor, if I gave you the microphone
first in the press conference,would you ask him a gentle question
(29:56):
just to get him warmed up?
And I remember thinking, no, Iwant to ask him a question, though.
Fuck.
Get a proper answer.
And the question I reallywanted to ask was, so you gonna tell
us all what happened backstagein Paris with Liam then?
And I didn't.
And I didn't.
And he texted me afterwardsand said, what the fuck was that
shit question all about at the beginning?
You missed your fucking chance there.
(30:16):
And I said, I was trying to doyou a fucking turn.
And Radio 1, in all fairnessto the reporter from Newsbeat on
Radio 1, they asked thequestion, that's all very well about
your new solo album, Noel, butwhat we all want to know is what
really happened between youand Liam when you split up and they
had the fight in Paris?
And Noel gave the mostcomprehensive answer to the question
because he thought, if Ianswer it in depth now, you can't
(30:37):
come back and keep asking meabout it because there's nothing
else to find out.
And he told the story in fulland didn't leave any little gaps.
So that killed it.
For every other interview hethen did with every magazine, every
newspaper, he's like, well,I've answered that question at the
press conference.
Next question.
And I said, fuck's sake.
I should have asked.
But it bothered me for yearsbecause I should have just taken
a chance at the beginning andsaid, right, bro, you've got a new
(30:58):
album out.
No, but do you think you'llever speak to your brother again?
But then it's the obviousthing, isn't it?
Everyone wants to know aboutLiam and O'Neill.
Imagine being there, goingback on.
On the promo trail and howthose interviews are going to go
when they start talking about it.
Because that's the next thing,isn't it?
Well, hey, you need to getthem on here.
Fucking hell.
(31:19):
I know, I know.
I've not really seen him.
I exchange a lot of messageswith them, like nonsense, back and
forwards, but from what Igather, he just can't go.
Can't go anywhere.
Because if he does, van stopand say, this is my chance.
I need four tickets.
I missed out.
That must be fucking annoying.
You know, just being.
Well, I only need two.
(31:41):
It's your plus one.
Are you taking.
I might take you if you get me.
Okay.
I was going after the line.
Vicky McClure.
I cannot believe, by the way,because I see when she.
Because she was the.
Yeah, she did the voice of the.
The announcement.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, so.
And as soon as I heard thatwent well.
(32:02):
She's new for like a week, then.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, you kept that one.
And she says, all I asked forwas tickets.
And I was.
Is that like when you asked,when you had the.
You were the voice of the newCeltic manager who never was.
But you know what?
Jesus.
I.
I was clearing.
I was looking for my.
(32:23):
Through my podcast, on mynotes, looking for, like, I'd written
down some podcast things, andI still.
I still found that intro for that.
Like, that I'd written for theCeltic manager that never was.
And that voiceover still got it.
I was.
I wonder if I'll stick it one day.
Do you know, It'll be a reallynice wee short.
The Celtic manager, he never was.
(32:44):
You know.
Do you know what?
I.
This is a weird thing.
I was thinking the other day,like, this is taking about a left
turn.
I was thinking of writing ashort film right about.
I think it was because I wasat Disney.
We're staying at the Pixar Hotel.
We're staying at the Pixar Room.
It's a Pixar Plaza.
And I was thinking of writing this.
This story about this truckdriver who's lost everything.
(33:07):
Like, he got sacked from hisjob after an accident.
His wife left him because hehit the booze.
He's lost his pension, and hecaused this massive accident.
Like that on camera wasclearly his fault, but it was.
But he's adamant that it wasnot his fault.
And then that, like, this,this happened.
(33:28):
It was one of them big oiltankers, and it kind of cut across
all these cars.
Could have blew up, could havekilled fucking hundreds of people.
And then I just want to cut tothat little scene In Toy Story 2,
I think it is where the coinsare Walking across the road.
And that truck.
And that truck had to swerveto miss them.
(33:50):
And it was Toy Story's fault.
So it's Toy Story's fault.
But like, cut to this real guygoing, like, I saw these cones walk,
you bastards.
And nobody saw it, but thisguy's life is completely falling
apart.
Dark side of Toy Story.
Malicious evil man in your brain.
You never.
This guy going.
This guy going like, I'm just driving.
Does he.
(34:10):
We cones, they try to dodge.
I thought, like, what if thisguy's life, like, then just, like,
completely fell apart?
That Austin Powers premise,isn't it?
It's like every henchman,every evil henchman has a family.
Has a family.
Exactly.
The Death Star.
Nobody thinks of the henchman.
Was that Ed Isard routine,wasn't it?
The famous Eddie Hazard routine.
(34:31):
Working in the mate, that's sofucking good.
Nestar canteen.
Imagine that.
Brill.
What was it?
Darth Vader ordering a penny.
Yeah.
Right, so you're going to beover from February.
That's the gist of it.
(34:52):
I'm there, mate, I'm filming.
It's just going to be.
It's going.
I'm going to enjoy it.
So working with Kieran, like,me and Kieran.
I think Kieran's first film,Piggy and Yeah, yeah, might be working
on some.
It's bizarre because he's on something.
We're working on somethingelse together that we're trying to
write together.
And then he was just talkingabout this.
(35:12):
This other job that he mightbe doing, the winner.
And I jokingly said, well,they've got to be apart from me.
And he went, yep, there's theoffer should be coming in.
So it's mad again.
It's.
It's funny how that, that,that somehow it does work because
you're living job to job.
And I was starting to get,ironically, the fear.
Yeah.
Because I just.
(35:32):
The last time I finished Fearin what, like May or something?
And I've done a couple of bitsand balls, but then you start to
go, actually, it's been sixmonths since I've filmed.
Yeah.
And you start going, if I don't.
And notoriously, the.
The start of the year is quite quiet.
And I'm like, once you getinto eight months, nine months, it
starts to get a wee bit worrying.
(35:53):
So to get something at thestart of the year and then other
stuff.
And that's.
You'll know this as well.
For some.
Some reason.
Work does breed work, youknow, people.
Then the stuff starts to come in.
So, yeah, it's going to be a wild.
The next two years could be mental.
But it's exciting.
It's funny you say thatbecause when I was coming out of
work this morning, it was atNew Broadcasting House, Great Portland
(36:13):
street, and I was in thestudio for a wee bit once we finished
and Adrian Childs was in afterme, you know, and Adrian's got that
brilliant West Midlandsbrogue, isn't he?
You know, that bromy accent.
And he said, hello, Gordon,how are you?
And I was like, I'm all right,Adrian, yeah, I'm all right, you
know, just, just pissing inthe wind, trying my best to get somewhere
with this radio and telly business.
(36:34):
And he went, my agent saysthat, he says it says when it's good,
it's good and when it's.
It's true.
And I was like, yeah, you're right.
And it's, it's funny, isn't it?
Like you have to.
I really, really would quitelike to just come off all social
media, right.
It just makes me unhappy.
But you need to be making anoise about what you're doing.
(36:54):
You have to shout about it.
And it's.
I'm always getting aroundbecause it's like, why don't you
post more about what you'vebeen doing and stuff?
And I'm like, I just, I don'tknow, it feels weird.
It feels kind of braggy in away, you know, it's like, yeah, go
and look on LinkedIn if that'swhat you want to do.
But no, I know everyone else is.
After self promotion, can I.
Because I figured it.
The photo shoot for the TimesI did, yeah, this went down really
(37:18):
well.
Charlie Cullen.
I've discovered a secret after.
After 20 years, not turning uphungover to works wonders.
Yeah, yeah, just that.
That's not just standing inthat position.
You never stand and doingsomething you never do in closure.
You look, you look passable,you know what I mean?
(37:39):
You don't look like just somecorpse that somebody stuck some makeup
on and you're just pulling.
I think you're being harsh onyourself there because all the famous
sort of rock and roll photoshoots were like the most famous
Beatles one, wasn't it?
It was a help.
The Ringo was barely able tospeak or stand and those are the
most iconic pictures.
He's fucked.
(38:00):
But you know, I think, yeah,you're maybe at the stage of life
in your career where youshould start thinking about a two
week lead up about gettingyourself fit and healthy.
No two week, just not just theNight before.
Still in a couple of scoopsthe night before.
Then I was in bed by 12.
Just a couple of glasses ofred wine.
Yeah, A couple of glasses ofred to you through the night, that's
all you need.
So it sounds like you've got abrilliant again, you know.
(38:21):
What is it?
Vidal.
Always talk about it.
Gore Vidal.
Every time a friend succeeds,a small part of you dies.
There's not many small parts.
A large part of you dies.
There's not many small partsleft to die.
It's gonna be a.
What are you up to then?
Sorry?
You back on the telly?
Yeah, I've got more MorningLife in February.
I've done more reports forMorning Life, but again, it's like
(38:44):
there's this great thing aboutthe music industry, right?
In 2001, the most physicalcopies of music were sold ever, right?
So the most, and it was mainlysomething like 90 odd percent were
CDs.
For the first time ever, moremusic was consumed this year than
in 2001.
And that was streaming andphysical sales.
So vinyl's up, physical salesare up and streaming's up.
(39:07):
But I remember, I can'tremember which musician it was, but
they said to me, if they hadonly released their first album before
1998, they'd all be living incastles based on the number of records
that had been streamed andlistened to.
And I feel like that now everytime I read a story about somebody
that does a similar job to me25 years ago, they're living in Hampstead
in a mansion.
And I.
(39:27):
You know, I think a lot ofpeople just assume I've got a load
of dough because I work on thetelly and the radio now.
But you were Polonix.
I mean, you know, I'm a verysuccessful supply teacher, but it's,
it's.
But you're right, mate.
I had to say my.
I definitely.
When I started Monica theGlen, I remember Richard Briars and
(39:47):
Tom Baker talking about howthey basically lived off the royalties.
Yeah.
And we get.
I.
That was something.
I remember getting a graphicfor Line of Duty through and it was
iplayer streaming.
And I think the Olympics wasthe closest to us on 90 million views,
(40:08):
I think.
I think Line of duty was on140 million.
We don't get a penny for that.
Like, not a penny.
And I remember thinking backto them saying that they were like,
if that stuff, they just livedoff the royalties.
Royalties isn't your thing now.
You get.
You can.
You get bought out.
Like people used to say interms of voiceovers like if they
(40:28):
reused it, I remember did it.
I did an ad, a voiceover for.
Because I'd hate to.
I'd hate to impugn what wasactually a very favorite product
of mine, but it was the adagency I was dealing with, so I wouldn't
want to hang them.
But I did an ad.
It was a, it was a.
It was like a five year dealof like you get paid and then every
(40:50):
year you use it.
We'll pay you again for your.
Yeah, for your voice.
And then got to year three andI went, ah, yeah, we don't want to
pay you that anymore.
We, we're just going to offeryou half.
And I went, well, you can't do that.
Like signed a deal.
Like it's.
That's the way we said, well,what we'll do is we'll just re record
it with somebody who soundslike you.
(41:10):
So you can either take thehalf or you'll get nothing.
I remember like, there's nothing.
There was literally nothingyou could.
What a great negotiation thatone is, isn't it?
Yeah, it's brutal, isn't it?
But that's changed the way Ilisten to voiceovers because there's
another very famous one.
Yes, another one, you meanwhere I.
Was like, I was like, it's not him.
I thought, it's not him, is itSean Bean?
It's not Sean Bean, is it?
(41:31):
No, it's not.
For three, I was like, seanBean's made a fucking fortune through
this.
And somebody went, oh, that'snot Sean Bean.
To be fair though, our palJimmy Nesbit did very well from bt,
one of the greatest voiceoverdeals of all time.
And you know, we talk aboutyour industry, but you know the voiceover
game, right, not the gnomegame, but the voiceover game.
I haven't done one for sixmonths and that's the money I rely
(41:51):
on to sort of, you know, giveme a wee bit of spending money and
don't mind them.
I don't mind admitting it.
Like when you do those reportsfor Morning Live.
I would probably earn more perhour working in the supermarket where
I live, to be honest.
Genuinely, you know, when youwork out, I mind.
You do.
You do live in Perth and Conross.
I mean.
I do, yes.
Waitrose pays a hefty fee,doesn't it?
I mean, obviously you're thevoice of Waitrose now.
(42:12):
You're familiar with theeconomics of how the middle class
operate now, Martin, with ourpacked lunch boxes and 4x4 vehicles
and electric cars.
But isn't and Again, like,years and years ago, you'd have been
paid handsomely for it.
There's a great story about that.
When I worked in.
When I first started on Fleetstreet, right, I worked with this
madman, Sean Hoare, andthere's another fellow, Rav Singh,
(42:35):
and I'm standing outsidehungover, and they were having a
fag and the boss came up andshe said, for fuck's sake, you three,
between you, you get quarterof a million pounds a year and you're
not even at your fucking desk.
Get to it.
And I was like, quarter of amillion pounds between three of us.
I know how much I earn.
And I just looked at them andthey were both, like, looking at
(42:56):
their feet going, fuck, that's it.
The cash hit the bag.
He knows how much we earn.
And I was like, fuck, I betterstick in at this newspaper game,
because you'll get a few quid anyway.
The glory days are over.
When that comes intosituations like, because there's
a job I'm on and, like,people, a contract and stuff.
(43:17):
And it is.
And it's with thatconversation is when you start neat,
going, right, what you got?
What you got?
Because if we're all going tomake it together.
And then you kind of.
Because you.
There's that we hanging.
You're like, I don't want to get.
Be.
Get.
You're like, I don't want tobe getting less.
But you're like, but what ifI'm getting mayor?
Yeah, yeah.
You're like, I don't want tothen up my own deal.
(43:38):
I told you, I said about thatin the podcast before Christmas,
didn't I?
But bringing in the bells.
What was that?
Was that with Susie?
How did that go?
It was great.
Crack.
Susie's brilliant.
But they said.
I was like, oh, brilliant,we're doing that again this year.
That means I can rely on thatbit of money.
And I got the email saying,look, you won't be paid as much as
last year because Martin's notdoing it.
(44:01):
I was like, fucking hell.
The Compston lift, you know,you're like the gdp fucking extra.10%
on the old fee if you turn up.
Apology.
I was there for you, but Ihave to say, we know the situation.
My family was going through itat the end of last year.
I was.
I was.
I was at home in the morningsa lot and I did tune in a couple
of times on Morning Live and it.
(44:21):
And it put a smile on my face.
Yeah, I'm decent at that.
It really hurts me.
Your begrudging Complimentlike I'm fucking good at what I do.
So decent.
I said, it's like, you know, you.
Stick at it, son.
One day you might be all rightat this.
Okay, I'll get there eventually.
(44:42):
Happy days.
Man, it's good to see you.
And it's not long until you're over.
Have you sorted your digs?
What I'm saying is, have yougot a spare room in London?
Me?
I could, I could, I could have.
I've not been over.
Because I need to decide.
This is the thing.
You tell me people always gothat they.
They want their own space now,but I.
I see when it's something like that.
I love hotel living.
(45:03):
Yeah, I bet you do.
We would always.
Big.
Well, Goose, you've got a.
No, but in terms of.
Because you can get a niceflat and all that.
But see, coming back, theroom's clean, all that done.
You can go in the restaurant,you can get like a nice salad or
something.
You don't.
Because if you come back nine, ten.
Or night, you're like, you'rehammering me for being a middle class
guy and you're living likeOliver Reed and Richard Harris.
(45:24):
Believe me, it won't beanywhere that nice.
But it's like, as long as it's got.
Because I say hardest things will.
Because when you're workinglike that, you need to be eating
right and working it sothere's nothing more.
See, if it's February and youfinish filming and it's 8, 9 o'clock
at night and you need to startcooking and get your gear on to go
at the gym and go a walk.
So that's the thing with the hotel.
(45:45):
Like, if I can just nipdownstairs, get the workout done,
go to the restaurant, ordersome food, go to bed.
Happy days.
Yeah, yeah.
So you're not gonna have aspare room then for me to sleep in?
We'll see.
We'll see.
I might.
I might have a pilot bed under.
It, but I want to get to thepoint where I can be your lodger
in London in some.
I need to lean into Kieran.
Say, look, look, I think youneed me to keep an eye on Martin
(46:05):
for a few months, just to makesure he stays.
That's what I'm going to tryas well, on this one.
Because I've already told him,I said, like, whatever I'm saying,
get me a central.
Kieran knows you well enough, right?
I know, right, Because Kieranstopped drinking.
After, like after his cancerand all that kind of stuff.
Because me, otherwise, me andKieran Would be, yeah.
(46:26):
We dig each other on quite alot, but everything he's been through,
he packed a drinking.
So I think Kieran was the onethat got me into crab as well.
Yeah.
So I think we're going to betraining a lot.
Get ripped again.
Go for it.
Get right in amongst it.
God be well up for us.
Thank you again.
Again.
Sweeping Daddy daycare.
Listen, if I'm decent at myjob, fuck you.
(46:48):
No, it'd be interesting whenyou come over because, yeah, I think
we're at a different stage ofthe London adventure now, aren't
we?
We are, we are for sure.
But also, it'd be good to get back.
So we've got a load of goodguests lined up for Restless Natives.
Let's take it to the nextlevel, baby.
Right, Martin, we shouldrequest some correspondence as well.
Hello.
At Restless Natives Podcast,it means the world when you get in
touch and we've had somebrilliant messages recently.
(47:11):
So, yeah, get in touch withsome shenanigans and we'll share
them in a bonus spot on a Friday.
But that's it for us, Martin.
I'd like to hear the worstholidays, like Disney.
I'd like to hear like, themaddest holidays people's had you
saying that.
You saying Disney was theworst holiday.
No, it was great, but it wasno worries.
But you're right, it was liketwo days.
Because I was like, when wegot there, like, should we just stay
(47:32):
a third day and then buy allof us even, even the wee fella by,
he's like, let's go home.
I've bungled once.
I think I've told you before.
I got on the lift in Mallorca,just the next to all the buttons
in the lift, it was thedifferent cards for prostitutes tucked
in.
And I thought, maybe thisisn't the best place to bring the
family for a family holiday.
And there was, I remember aswell, we arrived at 11 o'clock in
(47:53):
the morning.
It was.
It was a scrap in thereception of the hotel.
And by scrap, I mean peoplegetting their teeth knocked out and
chairs flying.
And I thought, oh, no.
And Kate, she looked at me ina way that meant, we've got 10 days
of this.
What have you done?
And listen, that was a massive hustle.
That was the best phone callever made.
Terrible name dropping.
(48:14):
But Jamie Redknapp was livingin Majorca and I texted him and said,
you don't know any good hotelsthat could save this situation.
And he got me in a brilliantplace called the Lindner in Mallorca.
And Kate was like, fair play.
You've solved this problem.
You've solved this problem brilliantly.
Well done.
Walked, checked in, hotel.
It's lovely.
And we just got our gear on.
Everyone's gone out to theswimming pool.
(48:35):
I think Laurie was only tinyat the time.
We've walked to the pool andAbby Clancy's standing there in a
white bikini, size six.
And Kate just looked at me andwent, fuck's sake.
Hello.
God.
Every two minutes, she waslooking to see where I was looking
like, mate.
What sunglasses were made for.
(48:58):
Right, Martin.
All the very best.
Right?
All that remains for us to say.
Is it's K on the guy.
(49:21):
This is a global playeroriginal podcast.
This is a global playeroriginal podcast.
Veerkaming.
This is the Restless Nativespodcast with the clown and the Wolfman,
a completely unscriptedversion of it.
Because in all honesty, Ihaven't written anything today.
(00:24):
So off the top, honesty is thebest policy.
Sometimes you've just got toown it.
So, right, without any scriptin front of me, here is the free
wheeling introduction forMartin Compston.
We are joined today by thewaistcoat wearing TV detective Turbo
Banana himself, Mr.
Malteserise, the one and onlyVegas Grinochian.
It is Mr.
Martin Compston.
(00:45):
Hello, Martin.
He never says your thing isthe what?
The fragrant pouting.
The gorgeous, fragrant poutingmini sky.
That's your go to thing.
I've never told you thisbefore, but I nicked that right off
a brilliant guy called PhilTodd from Paisley.
He was a fucking great guy, Toddy.
And Toddy, he wouldn't mind mesaying, enjoy the drink, and used
to come and sleep in my officeat the newspaper to get out of trouble.
(01:07):
And he used to write, he usedto do fantasy football every week,
you know, dream team.
And I won it one year and Ithink, I think I want.
It was a decent amount ofdough, like, I want about 800 quid.
And I said, you know what,Toddy, right, let's put it behind
the bar.
And I ended up getting abottle for 400 quid from the pub.
They're like, yeah, they drankanother 400 quid, they said it.
(01:31):
The fucking cheeky bastardshave put 800 quid behind the bar.
But Toddy was a great lad,used to come and he was an ex para,
a sub editor and hard asfucking nails.
And Toddy used to write areport every week on who'd done well
and who'd done badly and allthe rest of it and it was fucking
dynamite.
And I never forget, I'msaying, and for the female players
(01:52):
in the league this week, thegorgeous, pouting, fragrant, mini
skirted such and such is topof the league, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
So it's Toddy, it's part orthief Martin is what I'm telling
you, but I'd like to say it'sa nod to him.
And yeah, and I'm the WolfmanGordon Smart here.
What?
A few weeks in the space timecontinuum into the new year, we've
said happy New Year, weirdly,but it's the first time I've seen
(02:12):
you since a.
Couple things that bubbles upwas wild, brilliant, like, because
it's such an iconic characterand I'm actually Glad I wasn't there
to bet because this happenedto me on Still Game.
I was such a fan of StillGame, right?
And then.
And I was.
(02:32):
And they'd asked me to do acouple of times.
I said, look, guys, no,because I don't want to see the magic.
I don't want to see becauseit's one Trailer Park Boys and Still
Games, sort of like in Friendsis that kind of thing like I put
on at night or when I'm insick bed or something like that.
So you.
And I remember sitting in a,in a trailer before shooting and
seeing Greg and Ford andyou're seeing old Jack, old Victor
(02:55):
puffing on a vape and I went,oh, it's, you know, it's gone a bit.
So I'm just so to see, to seeBubbles there, I think, I think it'd
been too much for me.
But something I wanted to askyou about, it was because just the,
the time we start at 5 o'clockin the morning for me, right?
And you do that.
I've started, I've started atlike 4, but by the time I get the
(03:16):
car and go through the makeup,get breakfast, run through, fucking
costume thing that you've gottime to wake up.
But I was like fucking settingthe alarm there for like quarter
to five because I went, I needto get some kept.
And then coming on cbu, Damonat the radio.
Oh, mate, it's fucking hard toswitch on and go, right, you know,
wait, get, get engaged rightnow, today.
(03:37):
The alarm went off at five tofour and the car picked me up at
10 past four.
So I got up, got in a shower,got out the shower, got in a car
and then I did a pre record onthe fires with an amazing guy, like
an American firefighter.
And he was on it.
I mean, fair play from takingthe time to talk to us, but in my
brain I'm like, I really wantto still be in bed.
(03:57):
And you've got.
It's amazing how adrenalineswitches you on.
You know, like Johnny Vaughancalls it Dr.
Showbiz, doesn't he?
But it's tough, mate, it's tough.
And also those little thingsthat are words on the tip of your
tongue when you're wide awakethat just immediately fall out your
mouth.
See, when you're tired,they're not there.
And it happens to me on theradio in the morning quite a lot
when I'm like, oh, what's theword I'm looking for?
(04:17):
Like the other day I wanted tosay extrapolate and I couldn't find
extrapolate in my brain.
And about 1:00 in theafternoon, I'm like, fuck's sake.
It was extrapolate.
That's the word.
So it does drive you mad.
You're not meant to be thatswitched on at that time.
You need time to fucking wake up.
Because I was genuinely first15 minutes, I was like, I'm still
trying to get my head together here.
To be fair.
You are brilliant in the morning.
(04:38):
You're really, really good inthe morning.
You're good at getting outyour scratcher, you're good at getting
out your bed.
It's not.
I work best after midnight ifI've been up all day, not in the
morning.
Life's the same fucking.
There's your joke.
Fucking walked, right?
I can't believe she does all work.
She works all.
Like.
She's in this office, likedrawing, like she does the.
(05:01):
The concepts of parties and that.
So she does all the 3D drawingand all that stuff.
But she does it because sheworked in nightclubs as well.
But she works at night all the time.
See, when I get to a certaintime, I just want to be out on it
or in my bed.
It's a fair point.
It's funny.
Was that Danny Baker used tosay it as well.
Don't let the light in on the magic.
Right.
(05:21):
And that point you just madeis genius about seeing.
Was it Ford or Greg?
It was on the vape.
And suddenly that in yourhead, they're not those characters
anymore.
Yeah.
And I've had that a few timeswith the job where you turn up on
set to interview somebody andyou see them in a different light
and they're no longer thatperson that you've held in such.
He's gone.
It's mad.
It's good to preserve it,isn't it?
(05:42):
But he stayed in character allthe way through because we can talk
about it now.
He's not here.
His real name is Mike Smith and.
It was two of those glasses.
For anybody who hasn't seenTrailer Park Boys, the so.
But these.
It's about a trailer park which.
Which is a rough sort of.
In North America.
It's where sort of like peoplewho can't afford houses and stuff
all kind of live, you know,and it's.
(06:03):
It's.
It's.
It's kind of iconic.
They got you.
Everybody knows that.
They can call them trailerpark trash kind of hanging all that.
But his character is this wekind of guy with the.
His jaw jutting out, who talksin this mad way with These massive
milk bottle glasses, just themost ridiculous gear.
Who looks after cats, fixesshopping trolleys and runs a boot
(06:27):
and a go kart, this thing.
And it's just that, like, Iand I.
I'd met him and Charlie andI'm obsessed with that character
in terms of.
Just because he's so.
Actually, as he says it, theworld's just a shitty place at time.
And then that thingy.
But he's just.
You just want to give him ahug because he always tries to see
the best in people.
But when I bumped into them, Ibumped into Charlie at the airport
(06:49):
and he.
And he says, hi, Martin, howyou doing?
All that stuff.
And he went, oh, this is.
This is my mate Mike.
We're over here shooting a thing.
And I was like, he's shooting.
Can I.
Like, I feel like I know himor he's.
But I've knee.
I didn't.
He went, oh, yeah, he playsBubbles and Trailer Park Boys.
And I had no.
Even just when he was sittingbeside you, as soon as you took him
glasses off and changed hisvoice, he.
(07:11):
Was another guy, differentguy, totally different guy.
And it's frustrating becauseafterwards we're starting to have
a conversation.
So he knows Charlie throughthe Paul McCartney thing and he's
like, oh, we were backstage atthe gigs at Christmas, because McCartney's
just.
He always does it aroundChristmas, these amazing dates.
And when he's got a guestlist, it was Kate Moss, George Clooney,
Ronnie Wood.
And he said a great thing.
(07:31):
He said, they all asked me totake a picture of them and he said
I forgot to ask to have onewith them.
It's like that mad thing whereyou forget to ask to do it.
But the thing about being incharacter, like, I've heard this
quite a lot in my career whenI was doing the bizarre stuff, because
the first time it happened waswhen Keith Lemmon or Lee Francis
avid Marion.
And that was the firstChristmas I worked in newspapers
(07:53):
in London on the Bazaar column.
And he released do youremember proper Crimbo?
The Christmas Song.
And he came in and I'mspeaking to him like Lee Francis.
And he wouldn't come out ofcharacter as avid Marion.
And then you just feel soweird because you're having a conversation
with this, like this creation.
But to fair play to him, itmade his.
The way he came across in allthe film and looked brilliant and
(08:15):
he'd put it in his documentaryand agent Nick managed them, weirdly.
Got to.
It's mad.
You've got to commit to thatkind of thing because it's even.
I just.
I'm start my next job and.
And then they throw in the.
The curveball, like, yeah, doyou want to do this in an accent?
We're thinking of this becauseit's funny because to somebody they
(08:35):
just think, oh, you're son of voice.
But that affects the whole wayyou double the work.
Right?
Yeah, it's.
It is double with the work,but it can be helpful.
But it is.
I mean, whatever accent, I do that.
And now I'll live in that.
Yeah.
While I'm filming.
So it's it.
And it does weirdly affect, Iwould say the way you walk, the way
(08:56):
you look, the way you talk.
Just the.
The voice does change it.
So I think it's funny tosomebody to just kind of throw in.
But I mean, as you saw it withMike there when he was.
When you're doing bubbles, thephysicality of it.
Yeah, he's just is.
It just informs.
So it can be.
It's a fucking massivecommitment for.
I mean, it's a credit to him.
He's so different again whenhe's half.
(09:18):
That's true.
And those glasses having aprop are such a big help to him.
And he's only got one pair ofthose glasses.
I was like, you need to getthem remade.
But again, like Sacha BaronCohen, because I did the bizarre
column six years.
So I had him as Borat, Brunoand the dictator, if you remember.
So when he came in as thedictator, he stayed in character
(09:41):
for the whole thing and theoffice were loving it.
Right.
When he was doing that.
But then he started makingjokes about Rupert Murdoch in his
son office.
He said, you think I'm a dictator?
What about your boss?
And it was fucking brilliant.
But then we got on the liftafterwards and to take him downstairs
and it was just me and him andone of his mates and he just started
speaking to me normally.
So he's like, so, Gordon,what's happening then?
(10:02):
It's really hard to then justgo back into it.
It's quite disconcerting.
But fair play to him, youknow, if that's what he needs to
do.
And a fair play to you forintroducing me to it as well, because
I started watching TrailerPark Boys because of you and I'm
just getting into it now andI'm already.
I'm in.
I got into it from Tom Davis.
Yeah.
Did you.
(10:32):
Not see you?
How was.
How was your Christmas?
How was your New Year?
Once again, ended up being thesupply teacher, didn't I?
So I worked loads OverChristmas, up to Christmas.
You came dressed as one todayas well.
It.
You had your glasses on my bubbles.
I was like, nice of you tocome dressed as bubbles today.
(10:52):
And I have come dressed as I.
I worked quite a bit on theradio and stuff, you know, just.
I've gone from being 10 jobsgogs to a few jobs gogs.
But I had a deadline for Men'sHealth with the guy that talking
in riddles, I'm gonna David Beckham.
So I had to get that all doneover Christmas, which was a bit of
a weight on my shoulders.
But today's the first day I'veheard word back saying, right, we're
(11:15):
happy whatever end you've doneand must be.
It's been maybe over a year ofmaking it happen, organizing it,
writing it.
It's the first ever international.
All covers of the magazinewill be David Beckham.
So it's like a big deal to doit and I'm just glad that's.
And then I went down to SohoHouse in the Cotswolds for New Year,
(11:38):
which was Matt Hancock was there.
I've never seen somebody justpeople randomly walking up and giving
him abuse.
And like, the more I had todrink, I was like, I might have to
go and say something to himbecause I think a lot of lives were
affected by his mishandling ofthe COVID time, you know, so that
was bit surreal.
(11:58):
Why the fuck is he.
It was him.
Who else was there?
Michael McIntyre was there.
Howard Donald from Take thatwas DJing.
And yeah, I went down andalso, mate, I drove down in an electric
car.
I've got this Genesis car, right.
And I drove down and tested itto see how far I could do.
And mate, it was minus three,minus four.
The weather was grim and likean electric car and those temperatures
(12:21):
really.
So it took me 11 hours to getthere and that was a bit of a test,
mate.
So I challenged myself to getdown, did that, came back and then
that's me right back in it now.
I've been doing breakfast andfive Live and More, Men's Health
and all that, so.
And then it's good to catch upand do the podcast and see.
It was good to see CharlieLightning as well, mate.
It was, yeah, yeah, that was grand.
(12:41):
But what about you?
Did you have a good New Year?
Really quiet.
Say Tiana was in a holidayjust because, I mean, the only time
I can, like, I can guaranteethat I'm off all year is between
Christmas and New Year.
Yeah.
So she.
She went away with it for herpals 40th.
So I'd.
(13:02):
I'd heard Godson and the Wee Fella.
So I was.
It was full on.
It was good.
It was good cracking.
Because I'm on the road a lotthis year.
So it was good to get timewith it.
But so very quiet.
No, I never had to drink thewhole time.
It's first time Christmas Dayand New Year.
I didn't make the Bellsbecause we went to Disneyland the.
On the morning of the 1st.
(13:22):
I tell you what, mate, you picked.
This up, right, from lastyear, right?
Because you went.
You had the disaster at this.
It was that last Christmas.
I, I Exactly.
That was last Christmas.
That was last Christmas wherewe couldn't eat.
We turned up, we bought tickets.
But we didn't know you had toreserve your days.
And that's the busiest part iscompletely sold out for, for that
(13:42):
entire period.
So they just literally saysoff you pop.
So we had to rebook it fornext year.
But we got down there and itwas better.
So we actually changed hotelsthis time to stay on site which was
such a.
Such an ease.
But mate, I didn't know therewas so many kids in the world.
There's millions of them.
You're a unicef.
Honestly, mate, Everywhere and but.
(14:06):
And they're all after tits oncotton candy.
They're all wild, man.
It was, it was, it was a mad.
It's like being with you atthe Groucho.
But it was.
It's a surreal play.
And it's so.
Because it's Christmas, it'spacked and you've got this thing.
There was actually a guyFairplay and kind of brought it back
(14:27):
because you've got two parks there.
You've got Disneyland andyou've got California Adventure and
they're right across thestreet for each other.
So you can pop across.
You got this thing called theLightning Pass.
Right.
Which means.
Because the queues, queues forevery decent ride.
Like was like an hour long wait.
And I'm like, you're not goingthere and just standing in queues
all day.
Especially with a five year old.
No.
(14:47):
And but the Lightning Pass wassupposed to be.
You could only book one rideat a time on this Lightning Pass.
Yeah.
And so we got there at like9am the first day.
We said.
I said, I want to try that.
What was it?
The Matterhorn.
And it went first book in9:00pm 9:00pm not joking.
9:00pm so you couldn't, youcould only go on.
So this thing and you can onlybook one hang at a time.
(15:09):
Yeah.
So you could either book thatand wait till 9pm and that's your
day.
Go on.
Yeah.
Or just kind of bob a boot andthen end up waiting in queues.
But we what kind of did saveit was.
So we got on a lot, a lot ofthe other videos.
It was a brilliant time.
But there's this.
The wee man's cars.
Daft.
Yeah.
Like the McQueen and all thatkind of thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And we got.
(15:29):
So we went to Cars Landing.
That was great.
And there's like proper.
It's mad.
There's like real life sizelight McQueen's and it's driving
a boot like with nobodyhanging them.
It's bizarre.
And the best ride at the bothof them is, is the new cars ride.
And that was phenomenal.
But even with that, you had tobuy a separate ticket to go on that.
It's so popular.
That doesn't even come withyour Disneyland tickets.
(15:51):
It's a racket, isn't it?
It's a proper racket, mate.
Yeah.
And I was like, so we didDisneyland the first day, we're doing
California Adventure the next day.
And I went to tea, I said,look, we'll do Disneyland that day.
And I said, we'll go intoCalifornia Adventure at the end of
the night, I'll go buy aticket there for the next day, whatever
time that may be at the end ofthe night.
And we walked up because thewee man was getting knackered by
(16:11):
that point.
And I said to the guy, I said,look, mate, what's the deal with
us?
Can we get these Lightning passes?
Where can we buy tickets andwhat time for the Mora?
And he says, it just a threes.
And I went, I said, oh, can'tyou go?
The new front.
Yes.
And that wee bit of kindness.
Magic, Magic.
Honestly, mate, just what a difference.
He says, just can.
The queue was still massive.
And he went, yeah.
(16:32):
He says, look, you paid forthem Lightning passes, mate.
On you go.
Just walk, walk through.
And that ride was phenomenal.
And it like, it made hisentire trip.
And it was just like that tinywee bit of kindness for that guy.
Just brought me right back tothe class, isn't it?
It's amazing in 2017, I thinkit was.
So the year after I left thepaper, I promised Kate that I would
do Florida properly.
(16:52):
Right.
Because she loved it when shewas a kid.
Like big Google Mehen used totake them away in the summer for
three weeks and they'd get avilla and go all the parks and stuff.
And we went, 2017, it's thesame Thing, right?
You buy.
What's it called?
A magic band.
And we stayed in the DisneyHotel and all that.
It's probably the mostexpensive holiday we've ever been
on as a family.
And it's the angriest andgrumpiest I have ever been.
(17:13):
To the point where Kate, wecame back and she's like, I'm never,
ever going away with you again.
But it pissed me off becauseit's like you say, have you got a
fast pass ticket for this?
I remember Jimmy same as you.
So Laurie would have been thesame age as the wee man, right?
So that would have been, what,eight years ago?
Yeah, exactly the same age.
And she wanted to go toBibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, right?
And Jimmy wanted to go and bea Jedi.
(17:34):
And I remember you got to goto Jedi school and it was the first
thing on the first day youcould get into the park.
And I remember the stampede ofpeople running to be at the front
of the queue for the Jedi, theJedi training school.
I thought, this is horrible.
And it was on the other sideof the park.
But then, to be fair, Jimmygot there and it was one of the best
(17:56):
things I've ever seen.
A wee boy with his lightsaberfighting Darth Maul and Darth Vader
and all that.
And it sounded amazing.
And then you think, stop beinga miserable bastard.
It's not about you, is it?
And that's the point you're atin your life, where it's not about
you.
It's not your holiday.
It's not that.
It's just.
You just think.
It's the cues, man.
(18:17):
It's like.
I was looking at some people.
It's wild, isn't it?
You wait, there's some of thelines was like, tours a pop.
And I'm like, so you're justgoing to stand there for tours and
the rides last like a minuteand a half.
It's a daft question.
Was it hot?
It was actually, yeah.
At first it was roastingbecause there was a pool or hotel.
And that was his favoritething, like all this.
He'd go to the park and hesaid, can we just go swimming?
And that was his.
(18:37):
So it was.
It was good.
So that was, say, sober.
Because I've got to get reallyit back in because I've got such
a.
I'm filming a documentary herein Vegas in a couple weeks and then
I start this new job and thefear has kicked in, man.
Just because you're like.
But that says before but feared.
I've Said you can use it well,like it keeps you on your toes.
(18:58):
Because I'm like, right nowyou need to get your arson gear because
it was one.
Actually, I don't know if Ishould say this.
I think if we take it, there'sa lot of action in this next job.
And I'm working with our, withour pal Kieran Hawks and I'm running
about with a gun quite a lotand there's a specific gun and we've
(19:20):
got an unwritten.
Like, I, I don't, I don't like guns.
But you've got to see inAmerica and you can't have the conversation.
This is their culture.
Right.
They believe it's their, it'sthe, it's the right.
And it's your first date withTiana's mom.
Yeah.
And that's kind of where I'mgetting to this.
So there's Tiana's mum becauseI'm away quite a lot.
She, she practically liveswith us, you know, I mean like she's
(19:42):
got her own room at the house.
And so I don't like, I don'tlike guns.
And I mean she's an ex cop andyou know, and they kind of believe
in it and protect your homeand all that kind of thing.
So I think it's like anunspoken thing.
Like there may be a gun inthis house, but I don't want to know
where it is or because.
But it's all this kind of hang.
Like it's a fourth Amendment,isn't it?
Said safes.
(20:02):
Yeah.
And it's these fingerprint ones.
Like only hard gut, only shecould make it work.
And I was like, said I waslike, I've got this training.
I've got like, I've got thisjob coming up.
I said, what's it like to usea, to use like the gun, do the train.
She says, what type of gun is it?
(20:23):
I went, a Glock.
And she went, wait there.
And she come back with thisbag like John Wick shit.
There was some heavy equipment.
That's always my argument withpeople that have guns in America.
It's like, okay, I understandthat you have the fourth amendment
or whatever it is.
Every, every person has aright to defend their home and property.
But why do you need an assault rifle?
(20:43):
And then that's what I'llnever understand.
Yeah, I mean she never had that.
So it's all police issued guns.
But it's like the mags and stuff.
But yeah, that's the, the thing.
I'll, I will never.
I Mean, look, we in Vegas knowall too well with that hotel shooting,
I mean if that guy only hadhandguns, 70 people wouldn't have
been killed.
You know, if you're, he's,he's spraying military grade weapons.
(21:04):
I'm the same with you.
Not like I, that's where myargument shifted from where I used
to say you shouldn't haveguns, but that's part of their culture.
My argument would be, no, whydo you need.
I went doing it in myneighbors flowerney.
So they said this guy had a bazooka.
Jesus man, I said that.
(21:25):
I've told you, didn't I?
The guy had an argument with her.
Should never have got into it,but I'd had quite a bit of whiskey
and it was an NYPD cop and hesaid to me he had an assault rifle.
And I went, why'd you need that?
And he said hunting.
And I laughed.
And one of the firemen I waswith was like don't.
What are you doing?
And I went, you must be shy athunting if you need an assault rifle.
And I could hear everybody go quiet.
(21:46):
And the guy was looking at melike it was a start of a fight.
You don't get, you don't getinto it with them.
Like they go, they go mental.
Like I, I, I've, it's asubject I, I stepped away.
So you're going to be anaction playing an action role.
Brilliant.
Be bobbing and weaving.
Can I mention the bit of DIYyou've been doing with Tiana?
(22:08):
Whoa, hell man.
Can I mention it?
Martin's built a sex swing inthe garage.
Hey, it could double as that.
Could I?
So you've got the right I, I,like she asked me like you get into
that agent but you're justlike, you still get lovely surprises
but Woody aren't actually one.
(22:28):
And I've got a wee gym andlike I had a wee sort of throw together
gym in the garage.
I said you know what?
I'd like a proper kit.
Yeah.
And she didn't mess around.
No, this thing is like, it's aproper gym grade, like all the kind
of hang up but it took a bit.
I mean it would be enough tokeep you fat.
Assembling thing took threedays and a couple of times like I
gave up.
(22:48):
I was like, I kind of, I kindof keep building this thing.
There's ropes, there'spulleys, there's bolts, there's,
there was everything but it'snot together.
It's a serious bite.
Is there enough room besidethe trike for it to fit in.
Oh mate, I think I'm going outon the trike next month.
I'm going out on a trike next month.
So American now again.
(23:08):
I hate, I hate we know we do this.
I hate speaking in riddles butall be announced soon.
But the documentary I'm therein Vegas is going to be a lot of
fun.
I think it's just basically merunning about Vegas doing whatever
I want a day which is conceptsounds amazing but that'll be.
I think that'll be something today.
But yeah it's just going to be a.
It's a wild start to yearwhich is nice to kind of be home
(23:30):
and this is running about withthe wee fella and getting good timing
because it's gonna be a busyold start.
But exciting, really exciting.
And then you've got the fearcoming out as well.
Right mate.
That's the kind of.
It's not far off like I'm really.
It's a far.
(23:51):
It's this stuff I've beenthinking about quite a lot with this
job because the rigs are atthe minute and it's smashing it which
I'm delighted again with theresponse for the fans has been amazing.
But it's a weird thing to bein where stuff that you do, how it's
a success is judged very differently.
Like the reggae is all aboutthe numbers because it's big, it's
(24:14):
out there and stuff.
And you know I wouldn't.
I want to say the names incase of the certain publications
but you know those, you know,even before you date you're going
to get hammered by certain.
By certain papers and stuffand critics or whatever.
But with that it's all aboutthe fan reaction.
That's all that matters.
And fear is all about thecritic reaction.
(24:35):
Yeah.
But it's mad when you go how.
How different things aredeemed a success.
Yeah.
So we're rig.
I think we're off to a good start.
Yeah it's again it's such a.
Such a tough world to.
To keep because there's somuch that everything now you said
we've said this before likeour industry struggle at the minute
(24:57):
so to get anythingcommissioned is really tough.
So to get somethingcommissioned to a third series as
a high high bar.
It's.
It's off to a great start butit's quite nerve wracking like just
going is it still.
Because you've got to keeptrying keep.
Is people still talking about it?
Is it still going but withfear like I hope as many people say
(25:18):
see it as possible, but it'smainly just about how it goes down
critically.
Yeah, it's.
It's a strange thing to hangright, how's this?
Like, Rick can be seen allover the world or by.
Maybe by 100 times as manypeople see fear, but fear could be.
Yeah, gathered critically is better.
Was it.
Michael Caine said that,didn't he?
(25:38):
I love that quote.
For every Get Carter, There'sa Jaws 4.
No, but.
No, no, don't.
Because I.
I heard this.
Because I heard this.
Colin Farrell said this theother day and I think it was a brilliant
quote.
He says this idea actorsaying, I do one for them, one for
me.
I don't like that either.
Like, it's.
It's like you should begrateful for each job sort of thing,
(26:00):
you know, and you commit to every.
To everyone you're in.
Like.
Especially something that rigsthe most.
I think he meant it was more about.
I think he meant it was moreabout money for him, though.
He was like.
If you're doing it.
If you're doing it for themoney, you're.
Yeah, you're sort of.
Then doing it for.
Not for the.
The wrong reasons, I'm saying.
(26:20):
But even if you're going likethat, you've still got to commit
because somebody's.
At the end of the day,somebody's written it, of course,
somebody's taking the time tofilm it.
There's crew working on it.
I've never know, like, if I'mon something, you're on it.
And I, I'm.
I mean, look, well, we've allhad a pop strippers versus werewolves
over the years and believe me,that one wasn't done for the money.
(26:42):
You're speaking to the guy gotcut from Lesbian Vampire Killers.
But yeah, I think it's my.
I've never been huge talkingdown stuff that you've been part
of.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, totally, because I.
Because you could say, like,yeah, I had to do Jaws Force.
But then some of the.
Probably the guy who wasfucking directed Jaws fors probably
(27:02):
that was the highlight.
His life was Michael Caine.
It's a mad thing, isn't it?
Because on the radio in thelast however many weeks, the amount
of times we've been talkingabout Gavin and Stacy and all that
and, you know, honestly, mate,I know it was a tiny wee thing I
got to do in it and it was2009 and I remember, like going and
spending a couple of days inCardiff with James when they were
shooting that stuff.
It was magic to see it.
But it's like that Line ofDuty thing that Gavin and Stacey
(27:24):
has, where it's so beloved bythe people of the country that even
the smallest thing becomes ahuge story.
And I put some of the picturesup from the nightclub from that little
thing I did, and it went mental.
But then we got the girl on who.
I don't want to do spoilers inthe podcast, but she bumped into
James and Ruth in the SohoHotel when they were right in the
(27:45):
Christmas special.
And she'd never told anybodythat that had happened until she
came on the radio and she toldthe story on the radio.
And because it was a Gavin andSt, that little clip of her talking
on the radio has been listenedto, I think 3 million times now and
shared, because everybody'sobsessed with every tiny little intricacy
of it.
And it's like, I noticed thatevery time you do promo, every time
(28:07):
you have to talk aboutanything you're doing, it's like,
you know, it's like an artistbeing asked about their most famous
song.
Every interview for you nowstarts with, so, come on then, Martin,
when's it gonna happen?
With Line of Judy, which usually.
How do you feel about it?
Because I was gonna ask youabout us.
Because it's usually the lastquestion and I can feel.
Yeah.
And sometimes it is prefacedwith, martin, I've got to ask, because
(28:29):
what's that like, being onthat side of it when you know you've
got a.
The worst one for me is JohnnyMarr, right?
Because, you know, every otherband pretty much has got back together,
despite how much they hatedeach other.
And, you know, everybodylistening's thinking, has he spoken
to Morrissey recently?
And they hate each other,like, beyond the worst hatred.
But you feel obliged justbecause there's the off chance it'll
(28:51):
happen.
And it is annoying as well,because, you know, there's loads
of.
There's not one person involved.
You've got producers saying,the social media manager now, all
the other people saying, oh,you've got to ask, you've got to
ask.
And then if you don't do it,it's like, why didn't you ask him
about that?
And you're like, because he'sbeen asked a fucking million times
and it's the same answer.
I could record your answer towhat you're gonna say on Line of
(29:12):
Duty now.
And I'm kind of.
It actually winds me upwatching you being asked by people
now, well, you know what?
But this sounds like a stockanswer because I Said, but it's genuine
to me.
See, when people stop askingabout it, that'll be a sad day.
I try him.
See, this happened to me whenit was younger and it was sweet 16.
I feel like it was a realmonkey on my back.
And I was like, will peoplestop talking to me about, like, I'm
(29:34):
more than this and all that?
Can I.
But we're line of duty again.
It's happened at an age of me,like, I'm just, yeah, proud of the
thing and, like, yeah, I'mglad people want us back.
I've got a lot of regretsabout not asking the right question,
actually, because when no wentsolo, he had a press conference at
the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill.
And his publisher said, do usa favor, if I gave you the microphone
first in the press conference,would you ask him a gentle question
(29:56):
just to get him warmed up?
And I remember thinking, no, Iwant to ask him a question, though.
Fuck.
Get a proper answer.
And the question I reallywanted to ask was, so you gonna tell
us all what happened backstagein Paris with Liam then?
And I didn't.
And I didn't.
And he texted me afterwardsand said, what the fuck was that
shit question all about at the beginning?
You missed your fucking chance there.
(30:16):
And I said, I was trying to doyou a fucking turn.
And Radio 1, in all fairnessto the reporter from Newsbeat on
Radio 1, they asked thequestion, that's all very well about
your new solo album, Noel, butwhat we all want to know is what
really happened between youand Liam when you split up and they
had the fight in Paris?
And Noel gave the mostcomprehensive answer to the question
because he thought, if Ianswer it in depth now, you can't
(30:37):
come back and keep asking meabout it because there's nothing
else to find out.
And he told the story in fulland didn't leave any little gaps.
So that killed it.
For every other interview hethen did with every magazine, every
newspaper, he's like, well,I've answered that question at the
press conference.
Next question.
And I said, fuck's sake.
I should have asked.
But it bothered me for yearsbecause I should have just taken
a chance at the beginning andsaid, right, bro, you've got a new
(30:58):
album out.
No, but do you think you'llever speak to your brother again?
But then it's the obviousthing, isn't it?
Everyone wants to know aboutLiam and O'Neill.
Imagine being there, goingback on.
On the promo trail and howthose interviews are going to go
when they start talking about it.
Because that's the next thing,isn't it?
Well, hey, you need to getthem on here.
Fucking hell.
(31:19):
I know, I know.
I've not really seen him.
I exchange a lot of messageswith them, like nonsense, back and
forwards, but from what Igather, he just can't go.
Can't go anywhere.
Because if he does, van stopand say, this is my chance.
I need four tickets.
I missed out.
That must be fucking annoying.
You know, just being.
Well, I only need two.
(31:41):
It's your plus one.
Are you taking.
I might take you if you get me.
Okay.
I was going after the line.
Vicky McClure.
I cannot believe, by the way,because I see when she.
Because she was the.
Yeah, she did the voice of the.
The announcement.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, so.
And as soon as I heard thatwent well.
(32:02):
She's new for like a week, then.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, you kept that one.
And she says, all I asked forwas tickets.
And I was.
Is that like when you asked,when you had the.
You were the voice of the newCeltic manager who never was.
But you know what?
Jesus.
I.
I was clearing.
I was looking for my.
(32:23):
Through my podcast, on mynotes, looking for, like, I'd written
down some podcast things, andI still.
I still found that intro for that.
Like, that I'd written for theCeltic manager that never was.
And that voiceover still got it.
I was.
I wonder if I'll stick it one day.
Do you know, It'll be a reallynice wee short.
The Celtic manager, he never was.
(32:44):
You know.
Do you know what?
I.
This is a weird thing.
I was thinking the other day,like, this is taking about a left
turn.
I was thinking of writing ashort film right about.
I think it was because I wasat Disney.
We're staying at the Pixar Hotel.
We're staying at the Pixar Room.
It's a Pixar Plaza.
And I was thinking of writing this.
This story about this truckdriver who's lost everything.
(33:07):
Like, he got sacked from hisjob after an accident.
His wife left him because hehit the booze.
He's lost his pension, and hecaused this massive accident.
Like that on camera wasclearly his fault, but it was.
But he's adamant that it wasnot his fault.
And then that, like, this,this happened.
(33:28):
It was one of them big oiltankers, and it kind of cut across
all these cars.
Could have blew up, could havekilled fucking hundreds of people.
And then I just want to cut tothat little scene In Toy Story 2,
I think it is where the coinsare Walking across the road.
And that truck.
And that truck had to swerveto miss them.
(33:50):
And it was Toy Story's fault.
So it's Toy Story's fault.
But like, cut to this real guygoing, like, I saw these cones walk,
you bastards.
And nobody saw it, but thisguy's life is completely falling
apart.
Dark side of Toy Story.
Malicious evil man in your brain.
You never.
This guy going.
This guy going like, I'm just driving.
Does he.
(34:10):
We cones, they try to dodge.
I thought, like, what if thisguy's life, like, then just, like,
completely fell apart?
That Austin Powers premise,isn't it?
It's like every henchman,every evil henchman has a family.
Has a family.
Exactly.
The Death Star.
Nobody thinks of the henchman.
Was that Ed Isard routine,wasn't it?
The famous Eddie Hazard routine.
(34:31):
Working in the mate, that's sofucking good.
Nestar canteen.
Imagine that.
Brill.
What was it?
Darth Vader ordering a penny.
Yeah.
Right, so you're going to beover from February.
That's the gist of it.
(34:52):
I'm there, mate, I'm filming.
It's just going to be.
It's going.
I'm going to enjoy it.
So working with Kieran, like,me and Kieran.
I think Kieran's first film,Piggy and Yeah, yeah, might be working
on some.
It's bizarre because he's on something.
We're working on somethingelse together that we're trying to
write together.
And then he was just talkingabout this.
(35:12):
This other job that he mightbe doing, the winner.
And I jokingly said, well,they've got to be apart from me.
And he went, yep, there's theoffer should be coming in.
So it's mad again.
It's.
It's funny how that, that,that somehow it does work because
you're living job to job.
And I was starting to get,ironically, the fear.
Yeah.
Because I just.
(35:32):
The last time I finished Fearin what, like May or something?
And I've done a couple of bitsand balls, but then you start to
go, actually, it's been sixmonths since I've filmed.
Yeah.
And you start going, if I don't.
And notoriously, the.
The start of the year is quite quiet.
And I'm like, once you getinto eight months, nine months, it
starts to get a wee bit worrying.
(35:53):
So to get something at thestart of the year and then other
stuff.
And that's.
You'll know this as well.
For some.
Some reason.
Work does breed work, youknow, people.
Then the stuff starts to come in.
So, yeah, it's going to be a wild.
The next two years could be mental.
But it's exciting.
It's funny you say thatbecause when I was coming out of
work this morning, it was atNew Broadcasting House, Great Portland
(36:13):
street, and I was in thestudio for a wee bit once we finished
and Adrian Childs was in afterme, you know, and Adrian's got that
brilliant West Midlandsbrogue, isn't he?
You know, that bromy accent.
And he said, hello, Gordon,how are you?
And I was like, I'm all right,Adrian, yeah, I'm all right, you
know, just, just pissing inthe wind, trying my best to get somewhere
with this radio and telly business.
(36:34):
And he went, my agent saysthat, he says it says when it's good,
it's good and when it's.
It's true.
And I was like, yeah, you're right.
And it's, it's funny, isn't it?
Like you have to.
I really, really would quitelike to just come off all social
media, right.
It just makes me unhappy.
But you need to be making anoise about what you're doing.
(36:54):
You have to shout about it.
And it's.
I'm always getting aroundbecause it's like, why don't you
post more about what you'vebeen doing and stuff?
And I'm like, I just, I don'tknow, it feels weird.
It feels kind of braggy in away, you know, it's like, yeah, go
and look on LinkedIn if that'swhat you want to do.
But no, I know everyone else is.
After self promotion, can I.
Because I figured it.
The photo shoot for the TimesI did, yeah, this went down really
(37:18):
well.
Charlie Cullen.
I've discovered a secret after.
After 20 years, not turning uphungover to works wonders.
Yeah, yeah, just that.
That's not just standing inthat position.
You never stand and doingsomething you never do in closure.
You look, you look passable,you know what I mean?
(37:39):
You don't look like just somecorpse that somebody stuck some makeup
on and you're just pulling.
I think you're being harsh onyourself there because all the famous
sort of rock and roll photoshoots were like the most famous
Beatles one, wasn't it?
It was a help.
The Ringo was barely able tospeak or stand and those are the
most iconic pictures.
He's fucked.
(38:00):
But you know, I think, yeah,you're maybe at the stage of life
in your career where youshould start thinking about a two
week lead up about gettingyourself fit and healthy.
No two week, just not just theNight before.
Still in a couple of scoopsthe night before.
Then I was in bed by 12.
Just a couple of glasses ofred wine.
Yeah, A couple of glasses ofred to you through the night, that's
all you need.
So it sounds like you've got abrilliant again, you know.
(38:21):
What is it?
Vidal.
Always talk about it.
Gore Vidal.
Every time a friend succeeds,a small part of you dies.
There's not many small parts.
A large part of you dies.
There's not many small partsleft to die.
It's gonna be a.
What are you up to then?
Sorry?
You back on the telly?
Yeah, I've got more MorningLife in February.
I've done more reports forMorning Life, but again, it's like
(38:44):
there's this great thing aboutthe music industry, right?
In 2001, the most physicalcopies of music were sold ever, right?
So the most, and it was mainlysomething like 90 odd percent were
CDs.
For the first time ever, moremusic was consumed this year than
in 2001.
And that was streaming andphysical sales.
So vinyl's up, physical salesare up and streaming's up.
(39:07):
But I remember, I can'tremember which musician it was, but
they said to me, if they hadonly released their first album before
1998, they'd all be living incastles based on the number of records
that had been streamed andlistened to.
And I feel like that now everytime I read a story about somebody
that does a similar job to me25 years ago, they're living in Hampstead
in a mansion.
And I.
(39:27):
You know, I think a lot ofpeople just assume I've got a load
of dough because I work on thetelly and the radio now.
But you were Polonix.
I mean, you know, I'm a verysuccessful supply teacher, but it's,
it's.
But you're right, mate.
I had to say my.
I definitely.
When I started Monica theGlen, I remember Richard Briars and
(39:47):
Tom Baker talking about howthey basically lived off the royalties.
Yeah.
And we get.
I.
That was something.
I remember getting a graphicfor Line of Duty through and it was
iplayer streaming.
And I think the Olympics wasthe closest to us on 90 million views,
(40:08):
I think.
I think Line of duty was on140 million.
We don't get a penny for that.
Like, not a penny.
And I remember thinking backto them saying that they were like,
if that stuff, they just livedoff the royalties.
Royalties isn't your thing now.
You get.
You can.
You get bought out.
Like people used to say interms of voiceovers like if they
(40:28):
reused it, I remember did it.
I did an ad, a voiceover for.
Because I'd hate to.
I'd hate to impugn what wasactually a very favorite product
of mine, but it was the adagency I was dealing with, so I wouldn't
want to hang them.
But I did an ad.
It was a, it was a.
It was like a five year dealof like you get paid and then every
(40:50):
year you use it.
We'll pay you again for your.
Yeah, for your voice.
And then got to year three andI went, ah, yeah, we don't want to
pay you that anymore.
We, we're just going to offeryou half.
And I went, well, you can't do that.
Like signed a deal.
Like it's.
That's the way we said, well,what we'll do is we'll just re record
it with somebody who soundslike you.
(41:10):
So you can either take thehalf or you'll get nothing.
I remember like, there's nothing.
There was literally nothingyou could.
What a great negotiation thatone is, isn't it?
Yeah, it's brutal, isn't it?
But that's changed the way Ilisten to voiceovers because there's
another very famous one.
Yes, another one, you meanwhere I.
Was like, I was like, it's not him.
I thought, it's not him, is itSean Bean?
It's not Sean Bean, is it?
(41:31):
No, it's not.
For three, I was like, seanBean's made a fucking fortune through
this.
And somebody went, oh, that'snot Sean Bean.
To be fair though, our palJimmy Nesbit did very well from bt,
one of the greatest voiceoverdeals of all time.
And you know, we talk aboutyour industry, but you know the voiceover
game, right, not the gnomegame, but the voiceover game.
I haven't done one for sixmonths and that's the money I rely
(41:51):
on to sort of, you know, giveme a wee bit of spending money and
don't mind them.
I don't mind admitting it.
Like when you do those reportsfor Morning Live.
I would probably earn more perhour working in the supermarket where
I live, to be honest.
Genuinely, you know, when youwork out, I mind.
You do.
You do live in Perth and Conross.
I mean.
I do, yes.
Waitrose pays a hefty fee,doesn't it?
I mean, obviously you're thevoice of Waitrose now.
(42:12):
You're familiar with theeconomics of how the middle class
operate now, Martin, with ourpacked lunch boxes and 4x4 vehicles
and electric cars.
But isn't and Again, like,years and years ago, you'd have been
paid handsomely for it.
There's a great story about that.
When I worked in.
When I first started on Fleetstreet, right, I worked with this
madman, Sean Hoare, andthere's another fellow, Rav Singh,
(42:35):
and I'm standing outsidehungover, and they were having a
fag and the boss came up andshe said, for fuck's sake, you three,
between you, you get quarterof a million pounds a year and you're
not even at your fucking desk.
Get to it.
And I was like, quarter of amillion pounds between three of us.
I know how much I earn.
And I just looked at them andthey were both, like, looking at
(42:56):
their feet going, fuck, that's it.
The cash hit the bag.
He knows how much we earn.
And I was like, fuck, I betterstick in at this newspaper game,
because you'll get a few quid anyway.
The glory days are over.
When that comes intosituations like, because there's
a job I'm on and, like,people, a contract and stuff.
(43:17):
And it is.
And it's with thatconversation is when you start neat,
going, right, what you got?
What you got?
Because if we're all going tomake it together.
And then you kind of.
Because you.
There's that we hanging.
You're like, I don't want to get.
Be.
Get.
You're like, I don't want tobe getting less.
But you're like, but what ifI'm getting mayor?
Yeah, yeah.
You're like, I don't want tothen up my own deal.
(43:38):
I told you, I said about thatin the podcast before Christmas,
didn't I?
But bringing in the bells.
What was that?
Was that with Susie?
How did that go?
It was great.
Crack.
Susie's brilliant.
But they said.
I was like, oh, brilliant,we're doing that again this year.
That means I can rely on thatbit of money.
And I got the email saying,look, you won't be paid as much as
last year because Martin's notdoing it.
(44:01):
I was like, fucking hell.
The Compston lift, you know,you're like the gdp fucking extra.10%
on the old fee if you turn up.
Apology.
I was there for you, but Ihave to say, we know the situation.
My family was going through itat the end of last year.
I was.
I was.
I was at home in the morningsa lot and I did tune in a couple
of times on Morning Live and it.
(44:21):
And it put a smile on my face.
Yeah, I'm decent at that.
It really hurts me.
Your begrudging Complimentlike I'm fucking good at what I do.
So decent.
I said, it's like, you know, you.
Stick at it, son.
One day you might be all rightat this.
Okay, I'll get there eventually.
(44:42):
Happy days.
Man, it's good to see you.
And it's not long until you're over.
Have you sorted your digs?
What I'm saying is, have yougot a spare room in London?
Me?
I could, I could, I could have.
I've not been over.
Because I need to decide.
This is the thing.
You tell me people always gothat they.
They want their own space now,but I.
I see when it's something like that.
I love hotel living.
(45:03):
Yeah, I bet you do.
We would always.
Big.
Well, Goose, you've got a.
No, but in terms of.
Because you can get a niceflat and all that.
But see, coming back, theroom's clean, all that done.
You can go in the restaurant,you can get like a nice salad or
something.
You don't.
Because if you come back nine, ten.
Or night, you're like, you'rehammering me for being a middle class
guy and you're living likeOliver Reed and Richard Harris.
(45:24):
Believe me, it won't beanywhere that nice.
But it's like, as long as it's got.
Because I say hardest things will.
Because when you're workinglike that, you need to be eating
right and working it sothere's nothing more.
See, if it's February and youfinish filming and it's 8, 9 o'clock
at night and you need to startcooking and get your gear on to go
at the gym and go a walk.
So that's the thing with the hotel.
(45:45):
Like, if I can just nipdownstairs, get the workout done,
go to the restaurant, ordersome food, go to bed.
Happy days.
Yeah, yeah.
So you're not gonna have aspare room then for me to sleep in?
We'll see.
We'll see.
I might.
I might have a pilot bed under.
It, but I want to get to thepoint where I can be your lodger
in London in some.
I need to lean into Kieran.
Say, look, look, I think youneed me to keep an eye on Martin
(46:05):
for a few months, just to makesure he stays.
That's what I'm going to tryas well, on this one.
Because I've already told him,I said, like, whatever I'm saying,
get me a central.
Kieran knows you well enough, right?
I know, right, Because Kieranstopped drinking.
After, like after his cancerand all that kind of stuff.
Because me, otherwise, me andKieran Would be, yeah.
(46:26):
We dig each other on quite alot, but everything he's been through,
he packed a drinking.
So I think Kieran was the onethat got me into crab as well.
Yeah.
So I think we're going to betraining a lot.
Get ripped again.
Go for it.
Get right in amongst it.
God be well up for us.
Thank you again.
Again.
Sweeping Daddy daycare.
Listen, if I'm decent at myjob, fuck you.
(46:48):
No, it'd be interesting whenyou come over because, yeah, I think
we're at a different stage ofthe London adventure now, aren't
we?
We are, we are for sure.
But also, it'd be good to get back.
So we've got a load of goodguests lined up for Restless Natives.
Let's take it to the nextlevel, baby.
Right, Martin, we shouldrequest some correspondence as well.
Hello.
At Restless Natives Podcast,it means the world when you get in
touch and we've had somebrilliant messages recently.
(47:11):
So, yeah, get in touch withsome shenanigans and we'll share
them in a bonus spot on a Friday.
But that's it for us, Martin.
I'd like to hear the worstholidays, like Disney.
I'd like to hear like, themaddest holidays people's had you
saying that.
You saying Disney was theworst holiday.
No, it was great, but it wasno worries.
But you're right, it was liketwo days.
Because I was like, when wegot there, like, should we just stay
(47:32):
a third day and then buy allof us even, even the wee fella by,
he's like, let's go home.
I've bungled once.
I think I've told you before.
I got on the lift in Mallorca,just the next to all the buttons
in the lift, it was thedifferent cards for prostitutes tucked
in.
And I thought, maybe thisisn't the best place to bring the
family for a family holiday.
And there was, I remember aswell, we arrived at 11 o'clock in
(47:53):
the morning.
It was.
It was a scrap in thereception of the hotel.
And by scrap, I mean peoplegetting their teeth knocked out and
chairs flying.
And I thought, oh, no.
And Kate, she looked at me ina way that meant, we've got 10 days
of this.
What have you done?
And listen, that was a massive hustle.
That was the best phone callever made.
Terrible name dropping.
(48:14):
But Jamie Redknapp was livingin Majorca and I texted him and said,
you don't know any good hotelsthat could save this situation.
And he got me in a brilliantplace called the Lindner in Mallorca.
And Kate was like, fair play.
You've solved this problem.
You've solved this problem brilliantly.
Well done.
Walked, checked in, hotel.
It's lovely.
And we just got our gear on.
Everyone's gone out to theswimming pool.
(48:35):
I think Laurie was only tinyat the time.
We've walked to the pool andAbby Clancy's standing there in a
white bikini, size six.
And Kate just looked at me andwent, fuck's sake.
Hello.
God.
Every two minutes, she waslooking to see where I was looking
like, mate.
What sunglasses were made for.
(48:58):
Right, Martin.
All the very best.
Right?
All that remains for us to say.
Is it's K on the guy.
(49:21):
This is a global playeroriginal podcast.
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