How To Help your Grieving Friend

In this episode of Two Girls with Grief, Kendel and Rachel open up about their personal experiences with loss and share practical, heartfelt ways to support a grieving friend. They break down:

• Why every grief journey is unique (and how to respect that).
• The power of unconditional love and showing up meaningfully.
• Common mistakes to avoid when talking to someone who is grieving.
• Actionable ways to offer real support beyond just saying, “I’m here if you need me.”

If you’ve ever wondered how to truly help a grieving friend, this episode is for you. Tune in for insights, personal stories, and tangible ways to be there for the people you love

Potential Episode Triggers: Grief, Death, Depression, friendship break ups

Follow us on

IG: @2girlswithgriefpod

Tik Tok: @2girlswithgriefpod

Youtube: @2girlswithgriefpod

Send your challenge answers to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or any topics you would like us to discuss!

Resources:

In Crisis? Call or text 988

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠SAMHSA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: Substance abuse and mental health Health services administration

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The Dinner Party⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: Not Your Parent’s Grief Group

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Grief Share⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: Grief and loss support groups

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to the Two Girls with Grief podcast.

(00:15):
We're your hosts.
I'm Kendall.
And I'm Rachel.
The podcast where we talk about our experiences with grief.
There might be tears or there might be laughter, but join us as we figure it out in real time.
We aren't professionals, we're just professional grievers.
The podcast where we have honest conversations, breaking down the stigma of grief one episode
at a time.
And our hope is that you feel less alone listening to our podcast.

(00:38):
And without further ado, I feel like this is going to be a nice, easy, shorter episode.
Hopefully you will see what it is like for us to speak.
But this is episode 11.
And I feel like people talk about this all the time.
So our next episode is practical tips for helping your grieving friend.
So the way we begin every episode.

(00:58):
Rachel, where are you with your grief today?
I am on a period so I feel like that is not necessarily a good time for grievers because
you're extra sensitive.
I for some reason decided to look at my mom's old Facebook posts because I saw a TikTok
about this girl that was crying because she missed her mom posting about her on her Facebook

(01:23):
and all her friends commenting and being like, she's so pretty or else.
So I went to my mom's Facebook and it was just like all these photos of me and my sister
and like commenting like, oh, my daughter works here.
Go support her.
Like it just like it was like those things.
And I was like, why did I go do that?
So I was crying, but then I had a brownie sundae.
So it made it better.
Oh, yeah.

(01:44):
Well, pretty much the cure.
But yeah, I feel like you it definitely sets you off a bit more when you're more emotional.
But what about you?
How is your group today?
Yeah, I feel like this whole week has just been like same thing like disastrous and I've
been really up and down as well.

(02:04):
Like my dad's passing anniversary was this week too.
So it's just been a little heavy.
And I think a similar thing where I didn't know my dad, not a social media guy.
He was like someone of another time and era and did not like social media was not going
to be his thing.
He didn't have a cell phone forever.
He was a pencil and paper type of guy.

(02:29):
And one day at work, I have to do stuff on LinkedIn.
And I find that he had made a LinkedIn page.
It's something like in my little heart, like snapped and broke.
And I was I was belligerent.
Like I, I was like, I have to go.
This is not this is not going to be because like I am actually like on the verge of waterworks.

(02:50):
And so yeah, like if you find out your dad has like a little secret LinkedIn page and
it was just like him trying his best.
I was like, oh, so that was part of my mom's Facebook.
It also like she definitely posted that looked like she was applying to people's messages
or something.
And it was just like her Facebook status.
And I was like, oh, mom, I want to help you with this.

(03:11):
It's just like, it's a little bit embarrassing, but it's just like so cute too.
And you're like, oh, you really, really embracing it.
And even just, I mean, the status is it just it's words that she said, you know, that she
was texting.
So those are still just precious.
So yeah, I mean, we can't talk about too much.
This is supposed to be an easy episode and I'm about to cry when this is to be practical

(03:35):
tips.
So I'm not going to do that.
So another thing we always do is our credential.
If you've been listening, you know, I lost both my parents and my sister and obviously
my mom as I was talking about it.
But I think why I like this topic a lot is because I generally, genuinely want to believe
that people want to help and want to be there for friends.

(03:58):
Obviously, there's always the people that aren't good friends.
But I think it's just there's a weird divide of people that have grieved or that are grieving
and people that haven't.
And there's a lot of disconnect and a lot of miscommunication and a lot of feelings
that flow both ways for this.
And I think if we talk about it more and just share things about the topic that we help

(04:19):
some people bridge the gap, you know, and there's not a perfect system.
There's not a perfect way.
It won't fit for everybody.
It won't work for everybody.
But by sharing some things, it might help your friend.
So that's why we're doing this.
And those are my thoughts.
So what are your credentials to speak on this, Kendall?
Yeah, I think like in the same way I prior to my dad's passing, I would I would have

(04:42):
never had any of these ideas that we have here, these tips on how to help someone who's
grieving.
I would have been like everybody else saying the same things to everybody, you know, like
the same sorry words that aren't really helpful.
But I remember like, really right after my dad's loss and in the thick of grieving thinking
like, oh, this would be really nice if like someone did this or said this or like, just

(05:07):
this tiny little thing.
None of these are really big.
I feel like you know, if you if you have it in your capacity and power, like to really
support somebody in that way, by all means, like good for you.
But these are just tiny little things I think everybody can do to show someone who's grieving
that you care and you want to help out.

(05:29):
And you may not know, but this is a good place to start.
And like Rachel said, I think so much of this is just people who have not gone through the
grieving process, really and genuinely wanting to support someone who is grieving, but don't
know how to do that or where the boundaries are.
And so I think these tips are super easy to walk away with and to use in real life.

(05:51):
So hopefully and if you if you have more ideas, like, yeah, comment.
Yeah, you can comment episode or social media, email us like we'd love to compile a larger
list is just some things that came top of mind for us.
Yeah, and maybe things we wanted or things that happened.
So yeah, this is from our experience and other things that we've seen.
So feel free to add on.

(06:12):
Yeah, so should we kick off the first tip?
Yes.
Yeah.
I will say this is this is not my own original tip, but I think this is definitely one to
carry forward and pass on.
And honestly, if this becomes a trickle effect to pay it forward, I mean, that's just the

(06:34):
best thing I think that could happen because it happened with someone for me.
And I did it.
I do it every time.
I know somebody's grieving, but my college roommate, if you're listening, Sarah, I love
you so much.
I hope you're doing well.
But she somehow had heard that my dad had been in a hospital for a while.
But at this point, you know, kind of people stop checking in as much and really close

(06:57):
to his passing.
She had sent me just five dollars and she's like, go buy yourself a coffee today because
you deserve it.
And just Venmo me it.
And I was like, at first, I think like the manner thing kicked in of like, you don't
need to send me that.
I don't need five dollars.
And she's like, no, I'm not taking this back.
This is for you.
This is not for medical stuff.

(07:19):
This is not for anything else.
This is for you because I know you're up all night.
You haven't slept in the last and like, you just need somebody to get you through the
day.
And I just thought that was like, such a sweet little gesture to show that like, she knew
what it's like to be sitting in those hospital chairs, not sleeping.
And it is something that I do for every person I know, like, especially when they know like

(07:43):
somebody in their in their life is sick or like something terrible has happened in there
in the hospital.
And I'm like, here's five dollars.
Like go get yourself a coffee.
Go get yourself a treat because if it's just a small little thing that makes you happy
today, it's well worth it.
Yeah, and that actually inspired me.

(08:03):
My friend recently lost her mom.
And so I sent her money to like go buy food, go buy coffee, whatever you need.
And I was going to send her food, but I was like, I don't know.
I don't know where she is.
A lot of things happen when you leave someone.
And it's like the day after, I don't know.
You know, I don't know where she will she'll be at when I put that on her.
So I was just like here, you want to buy yourself food, coffee, like just eat something, drinks,

(08:27):
you know, like take care of yourself.
So even something that Kendall just mentioned, I think she might have mentioned it sometime
in the podcast, but I was like, oh, I'm going to try to do that with my friend.
And that's I don't think it's something I've done before.
She appreciated it.
And that the number can depend on your relationship with them, what you're willing to.
You can even make them coffee, you know, something like you could do that.

(08:48):
I've done like the gift card thing, the e-gift card.
So it just pops up and I think they could just use their phone and it scans it immediately.
So they don't have to have even the physical gift card.
Yeah.
So it doesn't have to be exact.
It's like, just take that kind of thought of that gesture and make it your own to your
friend and you know them, like you might know what they want, need better, but just it's

(09:11):
an idea.
You make it your own, do what you want with it.
And the next one that we have is I think it's easy when someone passes away and or as a friend
of someone that passes away.
I think your friend might be acting different.
Your friend might be saying things they don't usually or they may not be available to you.

(09:37):
Your relationship might change immediately, it might change forever.
Like it just changes a lot about you.
They could be just a really rough time for them.
They could be depressive.
Like there's so many things that could be happening.
And I think sometimes it's easy to not think about what they're going through or to think
like, oh, they're not being good friend to me or oh, they might have said this to me

(09:59):
or oh, you took something the wrong way.
And I think grief is so heavy.
It's so big.
It's so much bigger than people grab it credit for.
And if this person, if your friend is someone that you love, if it's someone that you care
about, like give them some grace to mess up and not say the right thing, to not respond,

(10:19):
to be radio silent, like don't make it about you and your relationship at a time that is
really crazy and hectic and not about you.
So I think this is like a really big tip is like, don't get sensitive during this time
and maybe that's in your personality.
Like just be aware that what they're doing is for them.

(10:41):
And you might not currently fit into that right now, but don't take that personally.
It doesn't mean your friendship's over.
It just means like maybe you don't fit into whatever they're smiling with at the moment.
So don't make it harder for them.
Don't fight about it.
Don't ask them about why they're not texting you.
Just don't do any of those things.
Take a step back and try to view it from their perspective.
So I think that's a big one.
Don't make this about you.

(11:02):
Don't take it personal.
Or what they're doing.
Yeah.
I think that in especially right out of the gate, it's the utmost important is to extend
that unconditional love to them because they are not going to be the same person they are
and they're not going to be the best version of themselves.
In fact, they might be in some cases, sometimes for the first time, experiencing the worst

(11:23):
version of themselves.
And that is already hard for them.
I know for myself, when I was the worst version of myself, it was even hard to reckon that
I was in such a difficult place with myself, but then harming the relationships around
me because I was just so hurt and broken.
And I really like, I know I praise my friends on here a lot for being able to still love

(11:46):
me through that and still be with me on the other side because they did pour that unconditional
love into me and be able to recognize it's not about them.
And they're like, she just needs time to process this.
So the next one we have is we have to spend a day with them.
I think you and I talk a lot about how the best thing you could possibly give a griever

(12:08):
is that space to talk about it.
And you're going to get into that in the next point, which I think these go hand in hand.
But what we kind of mean by that is it doesn't have to be the full day.
But if it is taking them to get breakfast, if it's taking them to get coffee, if it's
taking them to the movies, if they are in that place where they're grief, where they

(12:28):
are ready to get out of the house, and maybe they're like, I want to get out of the house,
but I don't even know what to do because I can think of like, I went to the movies a
lot with my dad.
I couldn't even fathom like going to the movies again without him.
And to go by yourself just like felt sad to me at the time.

(12:51):
So to be like, hey, like, do you want to go see me?
Maybe I'll take you to go see the movies and we can go together.
Like that was just like such a sweet kind thing, knowing that like that was something
like me and my dad like to do.
I would just say like, talk with the person, see where they are in their grieving process
if they are ready to take that little jump and entering like the real world.

(13:12):
They might not be and that's okay.
You can try again in a couple months and a couple years.
Give them that, give them that opportunity and still just offer them that time in your
life and be like, I want to be there and I want to listen and I want to do this for you
because you've gone through a hard and heavy thing.
And hopefully it doesn't take years for them to pick you up on that offer.

(13:35):
Yeah, I remember even one of my friends, she's from friends from high school.
I feel like we've gone in and out of closeness throughout the years and, but she was the
people that like also knew my sister and there was just one day where I asked her like, can
you come hang out with me?
Cause it was like one of the first days I was going to be alone after my sister passed
away.
And she did and we just like hung out.

(13:56):
I remember what we did.
I know we ate and like she drove an hour to come see me and I just remember I really appreciated
that, that she just came and I feel like when you're grieving, you don't want to be around
people you don't feel comfortable with.
So it wasn't like she brought anyone else with her.

(14:18):
She just came alone.
We spent time.
I think we talked about it a little bit, but mostly just like she made sure eight, you
know, we hung out and I think that was like super helpful.
Just like someone taking the time to spend with me when it just felt like everyone went
back to the world, the normal world, reentered the world.
And I was still just like out of sorts, just out of it because I lost my sister and I just

(14:43):
could not get a hold on what the world was supposed to look like without her.
I still figuring that out.
She's been gone for years.
Like I still freaking hate that she's gone and that I had to live without her, but I
swear that was really nice.
I think just like giving people something to look forward to and yeah, trying to reach
out I think is nice because it's not as sad as it is.

(15:05):
I feel like people don't offer their time as much to people as often and sometimes they
just need that time, like someone to care about them.
Yeah.
I remember the first time it was, it's not the first time of me like having dinner with
my best friend, but she was like, Hey, like, do you, do you want to go grab something to
eat?
And it was the first time in my grief process, I like wanted to look pretty.

(15:29):
Like it was like a little date for me to like go hang out with her.
And it was like the first time I was excited to just spend time.
And like, I actually like wash my face and I brushed my hair and I even put on waterproof
makeup because I knew I was going to cry, but I was like, I want to look like decent
for the world.
And it was just like a small little thing, but I was like, it was like one of the few

(15:50):
moments in my early grief stages.
I was like really excited.
And I feel like you can take that as taking them for a day out.
If it's in your budget, if it's someone who wants to, like you can take it as like extravagant
as your budget is.
You can either do that on a low budget.
Yeah.
You know, there's ways to do that at home.
That's always fun.
Yeah.

(16:10):
I mean, there's options, like really, it depends on your friend.
Like I feel like to be really be there for someone, you should know the person.
And you should be able to be like, okay, this gives me an idea for something that they would
like.
And like that's all we're thinking.
And like that if, you know, if something were to happen with her, like that would be something
I would want to do with her and be like, let's, let's bake shit together.

(16:33):
Yeah.
So it's like, you know them, you know what to do.
We're just trying to give you some inspiration to think about your friend in a way that maybe
you didn't think about might help them.
Yeah.
And so something that kind of slightly mentioned was offering them a space to talk.
And I think it's bigger than that because I think what often happens with people that
are grieving and people that haven't experienced it, you might share things that feel really

(17:01):
dark, that might feel uneasy, that might make you feel uncomfortable.
And I think it's hard when you don't address awkwardness because you can be so sad.
Sometimes like you could say something and then if someone, you say it to your friend
and they don't respond to you via text, they don't say anything when you say it to their

(17:24):
face.
Like that is just a really weird feeling.
And I think it's really because they don't know what to say.
Some people might just be not supportive and that's just not their space to do that.
And that's something good for you to know about them.
But I think most of the time it's just, you don't want to say the wrong thing.
So I think if you're just kind of open about it, like I don't really know what to say

(17:48):
to help in this moment.
I don't really know, but like feel free to share what you want to share.
I feel like just kind of being clear about your intentions and the space you can provide
because otherwise, especially when emotions are heightened, it's easy to be like they
don't care or they just make it really awkward for me.
And I would hope to think that's most often not the case.

(18:08):
So just say the thing and break the ice because it's probably going to be some awkward conversation
but just let it happen.
And it's normal for them to cry.
So just let them cry.
Like don't make that a weird thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just embrace the tears coming along with it.
Because gravers know that it's totally normal to cry.
I cried this morning.
Like am I going to cry tonight?
Like I don't know.

(18:29):
You know, it just comes when it wants to.
So I think we're so comfortable with our tears now.
It's weird when you feel like you have to hide it from people that don't get it.
So just let that be normal when they need to cry.
Like don't make them keep that side apart from you as a friend, I'd say.
And I've been asked this by people in the past of when I am sharing something with them

(18:54):
and they ask, do you want me to listen right now or do you want advice?
And sometimes it like really even I have to think about, well, what do I really need in
this situation and what am I needing from this communication?
Because sometimes I think people often lean on, oh, well, I could tell them some piece

(19:14):
of positive advice, but it's not what the person actually is wanting.
Sometimes I just want to vent about how much it sucks.
And that's where you like, that's where you just commiserate and you're like, yeah, life
is not fair.
Like I totally get it.
This is painful.
It feels shitty.
Why did this happen to you?
And sometimes people don't want to hear advice.
Sometimes people don't want the positivity because when you're in the thick of grief,

(19:36):
nothing feels positive.
Yeah, also there's nothing to fix grief.
So you might just piss them off.
So just watch, watch, watch your mouth.
I think like knowing, knowing where they are in their headspace and just asking that I
don't think there's anything wrong with asking that upfront and being like very blatant about

(19:59):
it and being like, I want to help you.
I just need to know what you're looking for right now so I can be the best friend to you
in your space where you need it.
Yeah.
And public service announcement.
A lot of people that are experiencing grief, like very recent, they do not like it when
you say they want you to be happy or they want you to live a good life.
Like people in the thick of it generally don't react to that well.

(20:22):
That's not everybody.
I feel like now at a point years out, it's like, okay, yeah, obviously.
Like that's what I also use sometimes to get myself focused to work on the things I want
to do.
They want me to achieve these things.
They want me to be happy.
But it's been many years away from it.

(20:44):
So yeah, just maybe don't use that one.
And years away, it's fine with me, but a lot of people don't like hearing that when they
just are very sensitive to grief.
So keep that in mind.
I think like those words, there's so many normal things like they're in a better place,
they're not in pain anymore.

(21:05):
Of course, I think grievers agree with that.
We know that.
We don't want to hear it.
But we don't want to hear it.
Because honestly, of course it's about the person we lost.
The reason we wouldn't be feeling this bad is because of that.
But at the core, it's also like we feel shitty.

(21:26):
It's kind of about us and how much this sucks not to have this person here in our life.
And like exactly the example you brought up, but it took you having to accept that mindset.
It took years for you to finally come to terms with that with yourself.
Throwing that on a person when they're not ready to receive it is just, it's not helpful.

(21:47):
And of course, the griever is going to be like, thank you, that's so nice.
And then roll their eyes when you walk away.
There's no place that my sister should be other than with me growing up with me.
So like whatever place she's in, if I could call her back, I would fucking call her back.
I would call her back.
Like she should be with me.
And to this day, that's something that I'll stand by that she should be with me.

(22:08):
So many things I do see her presence, feel her presence and things, but like where she
should be is right next to me because that's where your sister should be.
So like, don't, someone don't tell me that now.
God, like don't tell me.
Still don't say that to me.
I don't want to hear that one.
But yeah, I mean, I think it's just, it's one of those things where people just need
a space to talk and feel, feel okay and be seen.

(22:32):
And society makes you feel like there's a solution and you can fix it and you can't.
You just sometimes just need to be there and let someone share the darkest things that they're
feeling.
Like feeling like I don't want to be in a world without my sister.
Like I don't know how to live in a world without my sister.
And those are just feelings, like raw feelings that I felt after my sister passed away and

(22:53):
we came back from the hospital.
But like, I'm sure a lot of people that would make them so uncomfortable.
And it's like, I'm in shock.
Like I never thought that would happen.
So it's like, if that's something that I felt, don't try to fix, they're not fixing that
feeling, you know, like I just need to like, like let that out and figure out my next step

(23:17):
in life.
Like I'm eating, like that's where I was.
So it's like, don't try to fix something like that.
Obviously, if it's like to a very extreme, you know, watch out for people, but there's
no fixing that type of deep sadness, loneliness that comes with like losing a sibling and
feeling like that.
So I just want to give an open example of what people might say and just so like they

(23:40):
can still be okay.
You know, they can still be living and enjoying life as much as they can.
So don't try to fix that.
There's nothing to fix that feeling.
You know?
Yeah.
And I think it is in these spaces where you as a friend, listen to the griever and don't
question that experience.

(24:01):
Just know that this is what they're going through.
And even if you're like, I don't know, this is their reality is already distorted.
Their memories are now weird.
Their feelings are crazy.
Like they don't know what day it is.
They're not sleeping.
They're not eating.
So like, you have to trust that this is their experience if you truly want to be a good

(24:22):
friend to them.
And I think also like, just to call it out as it is, like, yes, we, you and I both have
lost our parents at young ages and that's not fair at all.
And yet that's anticipated, that's expected that a child will one day have to bury their
parents.
But exactly what you're talking about, like losing your sister is a very different experience

(24:42):
than losing your parents.
And that's okay to ask this person, what does this grief feel like?
Because the grief you feel for your sister is very different than your parents.
But as a friend, you might not know that or expect that.
You might just assume every grief feels the same.

(25:03):
And I could tell you like losing a grandparent feels very different than losing my dad.
It feels very different than losing my friends.
And how, you know, they pass on like that context to the loss and how that relationship
to them like that can change like someone's grandparent could raise them, you know, like
it could be different for everybody.
Absolutely.

(25:24):
It doesn't matter the title, but just like the relationship you have to that person is
what really makes it so big.
Like, I still hate living in a world without my sister.
I still think that's like ridiculous.
So I mean, just just give people space to to be that and to just know, like, just be
there.
Yeah.
And that every like loss is going to be unique for the person and that there's not a standard

(25:46):
you apply to the grief that a person is dealing with because, you know, the loss of a parent
is going to be different than a loss of a sibling.
Someone passes on for medical reasons is going to be very different than a car accident.
You know, something that you're anticipating versus like something that happens suddenly
and accidentally.

(26:07):
You and I cover that a lot of like you and I have a very, very similar views or very
similar experiences on our grief journey.
And yet there's so many grief experiences that you and I don't know.
And we know, like you and I often are looking for those other experiences to better educate
ourselves about people who have different types of losses that we have not experienced.

(26:30):
That brings up a good kind of just extra point of even if you experience grief, you don't
know their grief.
So don't assume that you do and that what worked for you might work for them.
Or you know, I've seen people compare like, oh, I know you feel I lost my dog or and that
makes you really angry.

(26:51):
And I get that it's a difference obviously, right?
But I think just like, you don't have to even I think you're trying to relate.
You don't need to relate on that.
You don't need to make that apparent.
Right.
And you can feel like my dog is like my family now.
Like I've lost some people, like I love my dog so much.

(27:13):
We are like, he is my soul.
I feel like he understands me.
Like he is my family.
So I feel like it's a little different level for me now, but like I'm still not going to
compare like him to someone else.
Even if like in my heart, experiencing my grief, that's something that feels super deep
for me.
You just, there's things that you don't need to say and you might be trying to relate,

(27:34):
but you don't need to all the time.
You can just relate by different ways rather than trying to be like, I get it.
Cause you might not, you know, you probably don't because your experience is still different
than mine, even though there's a lot of similarities.
Like I don't know.
I can't say like, oh, I know what Kendall went through exactly.
Cause I don't.
And I just don't think that it helps anyone by trying to go that route.

(27:57):
And I feel like I hear a lot of people go that route and it just, I feel like it never
works out.
So don't do that.
Yeah.
I try to remind myself as someone who is a griever, but then also, you know, I'm still
experiencing other people who lose other people.
So talking to other grievers and acknowledging that I do have my own grief experiences, but

(28:22):
I think it's totally okay to, if the person trusts you to talk about it in this space
is created for this dialogue that you're like, Hey, this is how I felt in my situation.
Is this what you're feeling too?
Like what are the differences between it?
And let's talk about that because regardless, it's still educational and it's still worth
the conversation.

(28:42):
I think in the long run for both people, like that's just healthy, healthy conversation
about grief to know, well, this is my experience, but in our experiences are different, but
I want to know like, what has your experience been with this?
Yeah.
It's like, you can still be there and have those upward conversations.
I think just coming at it as like, I'm an expert or solution oriented person, that's

(29:04):
where it's not.
I definitely think people should just have more open conversations of where they connect
and where they don't, just to be honest about that.
Cause I think that's where a lot of friendships like do kind of flow up and take wrong turns
is just like assumptions during a hard time.
Yeah.
I love what you said about like not being an expert because I think like you can be

(29:26):
an expert for your own experience, but be like a learner and like really try and understand
what another person is feeling and like to help them really don't be scared of that.
Just dive in with them because they're already in the thick of it anyways.
They're in like the pit of their grief experience and I don't know, a couple I want you to say

(29:48):
like in the dark place of your heart, like jump in with them because they're already
feeling alone and different and weird and so isolated and if you already do have this
grief experience, then you know you can jump in and not be scared of like that place out
there.
And I saw this cute little video on Instagram of like this like rabbit and elephant and

(30:09):
like the elephant is grieving, has a little rain cloud and the bunny just like sits next
to him underneath the rain cloud.
And that's I think exactly how grievers want.
We just want someone to not be scared of that.
I actually saw someone mention like Eeyore in like Winnie the Pooh, how he was always
just like the sad donkey at events.
They're like they invited him to everything.

(30:31):
They just left him to himself.
And someone correlated that to grief and I feel like that's so real.
Like I feel like that is one of those things where it's like you might be a sad donkey,
but you still want to be invited to places.
You still want to be there and maybe you want to go, maybe you don't, maybe you just need
some time, but just allow someone to kind of be there where they're at and maybe they're

(30:55):
different than they were before and just like accept them as who they are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There was many times where I'd be out with my friends and I might have been staring into
space, but I still just appreciated the tiny steps I was trying to make for myself to get
out of the house and be around people again.
But you're right.

(31:15):
I'm like, I'm trying to get out.
I'm not going to be the same person and yet my friends still accepted me for that and
brought me in.
And so I think we talked about this in a previous episode, but let the choice be on the griever
to say no if they don't want to attend something rather than assuming that we don't want to
go.
Yeah.
So then another one we have, I think, and this kind of like ties in with the previous

(31:39):
one of like keeping in touch with the person and who's grieving.
This looks, I think, in many different ways, but I think a lot of grievers have the experience
of like you immediately lose somebody.
You're flooded with all these messages, phone calls, everything.
And then it trickles out and then I distinctly remember six months out from my dad passing

(32:05):
and be like, wow, I don't think anybody remembers.
I don't think anybody knows.
Because they move on.
Their life has moved on and that's okay.
They are not going through that journey that you're going through.
But I think as friends of grievers, there's little simple ways that you can just check
in, keep in touch.

(32:27):
I think one thing I really appreciated from friends was like, hey, I'm thinking of you.
You don't have to respond back, but if you want to do something, let me know or if you
need anything, just reach out.
I loved the pressure of not having to respond because I felt when those floods of texts
were coming in, I felt like I had to respond to every single person.

(32:51):
And that was so overwhelming and exhausting.
And I was like, God, I hate this already because I have to now talk to 500 people about the
same damn thing.
Yeah.
And so- It's very emotional.
Yeah.
I think giving that acknowledgement of like, hey, I'm checking in.
I'm thinking of you, X, Y, Z, if there's like an action involved.

(33:16):
But then also saying like, if you don't have to respond, don't take on that burden or pressure
to feel like you have to text me back.
And I think like just like little breadcrumbs.
It doesn't have to be a big old thing.
I am not like a big phone call person.
In fact, that's kind of a thing my friends joke about is that I don't call them a lot

(33:40):
on the phone.
I think if they had called me, that'd be a lot of anxiety and I'd probably pretend not
to answer.
But they knew me well enough to know that that would have not been good.
But if you know your friend is a phone caller, you know your friend is a FaceTimer, like
give that-
Do that, yeah.
And that would probably make, probably really make their day.

(34:02):
And I think that's just like knowing your friend.
I think like a simple little thing, just checking in and meeting them on the medium they like.
Yeah.
I think also that I hear so often and then experience myself is like, one, be careful
when you ask, keep asking like, how are you?
One, because it's a big question that they might or might not want to answer.

(34:28):
But also you might get an answer that is really dark and really sad.
So if you aren't the type of person that knows how to respond or might just ghost them when
they share that information, don't ask that in the first place.
Because that's a weird thing.
And I think we've all experienced this.

(34:49):
People ask like, how are you?
And then you share.
If you actually share other than like, I'm okay, then people are like, they don't respond
because they're expecting you to say the okay.
But no one's okay after someone dies.
No one's just okay.
So if someone gives you an answer, they're probably just trying to just give a short
answer and not really talk about it.

(35:10):
I've seen other people say like, ask them specifically like, how's your day to day?
Or you can ask more specific things that aren't as huge that doesn't make them necessarily
think about like, how am I really today?
You can ask those things without it being like this big thing.
You can also be like, it doesn't have to be like, like asking about it always or anything
like forever.

(35:30):
It could just be like you're sending them TikToks.
You're sending them just messages about random things or talking about hanging out.
Like it doesn't have to be like every time you're talking about it.
But and know this know your friend because or your loved one because people are different.
But don't be afraid to bring it up to them eventually.

(35:50):
You know, like don't just like forget the subject at some point, which a lot of people
do.
I think a lot of times you'll think, oh, I don't want to make them sad to bring it up.
But it's like, yeah, it's sad that they're gone.
You know, they're already sad about it.
So I think it's better to talk about people and talk about their memory and really kind

(36:11):
of have that as something still existing in their life because it's always there.
The absence is always there.
It's just weird when you don't talk about the person that's so important to you to anyone
else.
That part is weird, you know, and obviously know your friend and how they react.
But don't just pretend that the person that passed away is like gone.

(36:33):
Like they are like that never existed.
I mean, you know, because I think that's also hard where people feel like they were a race
and no one cares about them anymore.
I mean, like that's a super common feeling for people that are grieving.
I think another thing if you have a ritualistic thing to try and keep up with that based on
if they're willing to have space for that.

(36:55):
In my two examples, like after my dad passing, one of his like dying wishes was that I kept
me and my brother and sister together, that I didn't let his passing divide us and become
distant to each other.
And I was like, what an undertaking.
You're expecting a 24 year old to figure out how to keep a family together after a
loss like I don't know how to do that.

(37:16):
And one simple thing one person recommended was like, maybe it's just like a weekly dinner
or like just a weekly thing or a monthly thing, but something ritual that they can't say no
to because they know they should be expecting it.
And that's what came up with the whole like Sunday D&D thing was that every Sunday I cooked
dinner for them.
Dungeons and Dragons.
For all the people that are at home.

(37:38):
For all the people that don't know.
Yeah, so that's how me and my brother and sister play Dungeons and Dragons every Sunday
evening and that is for the most time like a non-negotiable.
Like they know every week for two hours of the evening.
That's what we do.
And in another case, that's not quite so like ritual or planned out is that because one

(38:05):
of my friends schedule is kind of like crazy.
So he's like in and out of town a lot, but nobody ever knows like really when.
But every time he was in town, he was so good about planning.
He's like, hey, I'm in town.
Let's get dinner.
And so it might be like every two weeks or every three weeks.
But I know like they are trying to make time for me.
And I sometimes I can't for whatever reason, but I do acknowledge like they care enough

(38:30):
about me to want to do these things.
It's not per planned or as ritualistic, but I think for like as much as a friend can.
I think that's a simple thing for a friend to do is like, hey, can we meet up monthly
and we go to like a new restaurant or we could try something.
Yeah, like something I think something to look forward to something that like they can

(38:54):
expect like, oh, this is coming up in the next few days.
I've got to make sure I don't plan over that.
And that way they like because also in like the thick of my grief, I was the queen of
flaking out of things.
But if I had more time to plan for it and knew it was coming up, the less likely I was
going to flake out of it.
And I will say 99% of the time, I really needed those moments.

(39:18):
I really needed to get out of like my own head in the quietness of my own house and
go out and do something.
And every time I drive back, I'm like, I'm really glad I did that.
But I think you do have it's it's a battle you're facing almost with like the griever's
mind you have to kind of like work with their grief at the same time.

(39:39):
Yeah.
And something that we talked about before as well is it's it's easy sometimes to build
up that you might not like the situation, you might not have fun at the event because
you're just kind of building up a lot of things in your head, you're feeling sad.
I think it's one thing for as a friend, they're good friends to you and you know how they've
been previously.

(40:02):
Like they might need a push to be like, just come out for try it for an hour.
If you don't like it, we'll go believe you know, or like I'll come over and we'll drink
wine and watch a movie.
Like it really depends on your friendship, right?
And your personal relationship to them.
You might be like, hey, I'm going to plan a dinner party.
Like let's come over.
Like who do you feel comfortable being around right now or you know, there's certain things

(40:25):
you can do just make it easy for them to not hole up in their home or room or whatever.
So just know your friend and know when it's okay to push.
Because I think that is a build up that happens where you're like this, this isn't gonna be
fun.
I don't need this.
It's gonna be bad.
Blah, blah, blah.
And sometimes you just need to be like, oh no, that's actually was a good thing.

(40:46):
And I feel better because I went out in the world or I spent time with my friend.
So yeah, just keep in mind it's always different for people.
Another important thing is don't put more on their plate.
This can be applicable for so many different situations.
I think the first thing that comes to mind is like, especially when someone just passed

(41:08):
away and there might be like a funeral or something, most of that information will become
public.
You know, they'll post about it eventually.
Like usually that is something that happens.
So don't keep texting like what's information if you're someone that's planning to go to
the funeral.
Don't keep bugging them with questions about it.

(41:30):
Even if you're trying to help sometimes ask people like what do you need?
Puts a lot on people when they don't have the capacity.
So like even say like, oh, let me know when you want to hang out.
Like that might never happen if you put that on the person that is having a hard time showering
and functioning and crying all the time.
They're probably not thinking about the next fun thing they want to do.

(41:51):
So often I feel like people put something on the person that's grieving as a way to
allow them to come when it's their time, but it just gets lost in the sauce.
Like honestly, it just gets lost in the grieving where you might even have forgotten that someone
offered or might stress them out.

(42:12):
So just like don't do that.
Don't put that on them.
It's just really overwhelming when someone passes away, especially like there's so many
people contacting you.
There's people that are being inappropriate asking questions that you don't want to answer.
People that you don't think deserves information.
Like there's a lot that's going on that just feels like you're exposed.

(42:33):
So I think anytime that you feel like you might be helping, just check what you're doing
and if it's actually helpful in a situation.
Can you think of any other situations?
Does that make sense?
Right, yeah.
I think shout out to Nikki.
Oh my God, I love this girl.
She is someone who I think is so anticipatory for people's needs.

(42:58):
And she, I remember with my dad's funeral, she was like, I'm going to watch your cats.
Don't worry about it.
I just need the key.
Leave it under the rug.
I've got it.
You focus on whatever you need to do for the funeral for the next two days.
And I was like, that was just so thoughtful because we were close friends and I was like,
something I didn't even think of.

(43:18):
Like who was going to watch my cats for the next like week as I dealt with this.
She also made a box too.
And it was beautiful.
It was this beautiful box with photos of my dad.
She found from like the obituary stuff.
And it was a box to put in the donations for like the American Diabetes Association because
we did that like in lieu of flowers.

(43:40):
And I didn't even think of that.
I didn't even think like someone's going to have to put their check in something.
And so she created this little box that was full of pictures.
And I was like, she fucking sent me these pictures because I didn't send them to her.
She set up the page that went around my office, letting people know like my dad had passed
and if you wanted to support me, like you could donate to the ADA.

(44:06):
And I didn't ask that.
I found out after the fact that she was like, you know, because my dad's funeral was like
hours and hours away.
So like if they even wanted to come, they really couldn't.
And she was like, hey, I made this thing.
Is it okay that we do this and send it around?
And I was like, I can't, I'm just blown away with like your thoughtfulness and how like

(44:28):
you prepared every need that I didn't even know I had yet.
And you don't have to be to that extreme.
She's just really good at it.
But those were things where like I had no clue that was going to be an issue I was going
to face in those three instances.
And she was like, check, check, check.
I've got all those covered.
Now you can focus on like the hard part of planning a funeral, picking out a casket,

(44:50):
where are you going to have it?
Where's the plot?
You know, like the actual real hard decisions I was going to have to make.
Another tip, you can combine this with like, I think spend the day with them.
But one thing I think people really appreciate is when you honor the person they lost and
this could look like many different things.

(45:10):
If you know the places that the grieving person's loved one used to go, like if it's a park
or a restaurant, if you listen to the songs that the person used to love, kind of just
sharing those memories, that meant the world to me.
And I try to do the same thing for my brother and sister.

(45:32):
Like when my dad's birthday comes up is trying to plan like an outdoor activity.
Like my dad loved walks, trying to do walks with them or picnics and just these little
things to recognize and acknowledge that like our loved one is gone, but we can still like
enjoy these things.
Oh, my dad loved like butter pecan ice cream, sugar-free specifically.

(45:57):
And when someone gets me that, I'm just really touched because it's like, what is like a
cute little way to like honor my dad and the thing that he loved.
Do you have like examples of ways people have honored your people?
Yeah, I mean, there's sometimes that my sister's friends and like some of my family members
sometimes we go celebrate like my sister's birthday.

(46:18):
Like we go on a trip.
We went to like New York, a bunch of us went to New York, one of her first birthdays.
Do like Hawaii trip.
So we do things in honor of my sister's birthday for sure.
I think because obviously she's younger, like friends are traveling and stuff.
But I think sometimes, you know, my brother will want to do like dinner for my mom's birthday

(46:38):
or something and like he'll invite friends.
And I think just being open to like being the person to celebrate the days that they
want to.
Yeah.
They might not always want to celebrate their parents birthday that past or sibling or whoever
partner.
But I think giving them the space to do that and being open for that.
I think it's really going to depend on the situation like going on the trips for my sister's

(47:01):
birthday.
But I think you just need to allow people the space to kind of figure that out because
it's like some years I want to, some years I don't, some years I ignore every day it's
possible.
Other days I want to celebrate them.
So it is a bit tricky, but I definitely would say like it's nice when someone thinks of

(47:21):
them when you feel like you aren't the only one thinking of them.
And I don't think that anyone, I mean, there's probably somebody, but I think for the most
part people would just appreciate that someone else is thinking about the loved one that
they're missing as well and not just them.
So I think that's going to be a nice gesture for most people.

(47:42):
And so the next one, we briefly kind of mentioned it without putting more on their plate, but
helping with something.
So this one like makes something easier.
So things that I think of is like maybe you just want to make sure they're eating, like
send them food, or make them dinner or go sit with them.

(48:03):
Maybe like if you're good friends and you are in a space to do it, like maybe help them
clean their place if they haven't done that in a while.
It really depends on your relationship to them and what you're willing to give or like
what to do for someone.
But I think it just can really depend.
I mean, sometimes it's like there's a funeral, a lot of people are flying in, maybe it's
like you help pick someone up from the airport.

(48:23):
Like it just, there's so many things that you could do to help somebody in that situation
that's very overwhelming.
And as they're grieving, so figure out like what works best for you and the person.
But I think there's so many things that you can do just to make something easier for them.
Like if you're meal prepping for yourself and they were like, oh, a meal prep for my
friend that is just like not doing well.

(48:44):
Like there's a girl on TikTok that I've seen, I forgot her name, but who hasn't passed away.
And their friends will come help cook food for her because she's not good at cooking.
You know, and so they help her with like having food to eat in her home because her husband
was the cook.
And it's like, you can do those things, you know, you can do it as a community.

(49:06):
It's just like helpful things that like people aren't thinking of you, they're thinking of
your, the person that you lost.
And just making sure that you eat.
And I think whatever you are, you can do financially, time wise, et cetera, can vary, but just think
of something that you can do to make it easier.
Because maybe like, you know that they're having trouble getting out of bed and they
have a dog, you'd be like, I'll like watch your dog for a week or something.

(49:31):
You know, if that's kind of what needs to be done.
Yeah, there's so many things that you could do to just take something off their plate
to alleviate whatever they're feeling.
Yeah, I'm thinking like little things of like, I always see old people who can't mow their
yards anymore and people just mowing their yards without question.

(49:52):
It's just like a little simple thing.
I think also for this, it is so hard to go back to work and be a normal person and then
take on the workload that one, I think everybody's already kind of at capacity and have like,
to use the office lingo, have no bandwidth anyways.
But then on top of that, if they're coming back from bereavement, they're going to have

(50:14):
to catch up on all this stuff that they have put off the past few days to go focus on a
funeral.
And so I think if like you're a manager or you're a coworker and you do know that a person
has just like gone through severe loss, I think it's safe to assume that they probably
also have a lot of work they get want to get through.

(50:34):
And I think it's very appropriate to say, hey, you probably have a lot going on.
Can I help you with a project or can I get something started for you or hey, I already
did this part, all you have to do is just submit it or I feel like I had a few colleagues
do that for me.
And it just was like such a relief because not only are you grieving and you're just

(50:56):
severely depressed and your mind is weird, your memories are weird, you don't remember
anything.
But then on top of that, I felt so guilty because I was like, oh my gosh, people expect
so much from me now.
And I have all these deadlines that I'm missing and I can't juggle all these things.
And that a few of my colleagues were like, we've got it.

(51:16):
Don't worry about it.
You'll ease yourself back into it and we're going to be fine.
And I just appreciated that acknowledgement on a workplace level because you and I have
talked about and I think a big conversation within our own grief group is how hard it
is to grieve while maintaining an office job or a corporate job.

(51:37):
Yeah, someone just commented on one of our videos that said her work fired her a month
after she lost someone.
Because they were like, you're not holding your weight at work and that's just a crazy
thing.
And I feel like that's not uncommon, unfortunately.
I feel like people expect you to be a work machine and just go back and there's no going

(51:58):
back.
It's like everything sucks after that for a while and maybe parts will always feel like
that.
So I think it's just really hard for corporate world to move in that direction that they're
actually respectful of just how big that is to your life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was even thinking, I guess, two months ago, posting on social media channels and

(52:25):
I had lost a friend and had to go to her funeral.
And even you were like, hey, I'll handle it for a few days.
Like, you don't need to worry about posting about things.
And it was like such a small thing.
And I know like you and I like divvy up the posting, but I was just like, that's, that's
just like really kind and just like a relief to not have to like think about, oh, I got
a, I got a post in the afternoon.

(52:46):
And then you were like, no, I've got it.
Don't even think about it.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like once you experience it, you kind of, you just want to do something
to help somebody in some way.
And I think people that are feeling like they don't know what to do, just try to think of
that mindset.
Like, what can I do just to help in a way that will like help them?

(53:08):
Because it's going to be different for everybody.
So we're hoping that all these things just put some perspective and you revisit your
friendship or you visit how you handle things.
And I don't, I never think it's too late to make things better.
As long as they're alive, it's never too late.
Yeah.
That's my motto.
Because all my people are dead.
And if yours isn't, you could fix it.

(53:30):
Yeah.
There's, there's always that, you know, take advantage of the fact that people are alive
because when it's, when they're gone, you can't do anything about it.
Nope.
And maybe they're going to haunt you.
So it's true.
And we don't want that.
I think last but not least as a friend, to don't expect the grieving process to be fast

(53:53):
and don't try to rush the process of them grieving.
I hate to say like, as a friend of someone who's grieving, like you will need to be patient
and people don't like to be patient.
And that's just the acknowledgement.
I think of like humans, but I think giving them that space and letting them and like
you letting them know to take as much time as you need.

(54:15):
There's no end goal.
There's no due date.
There's nothing to like, you're not going to get a trophy when you finish grieving,
quote unquote.
So just know that like, if you're a friend of someone who's grieving, it's going to take
a long time and that's okay.
Just write it out with them.
Yeah.

(54:35):
And it's just, it's always going to be there.
So it's just always going to be in the room.
It's always going to be that thing there.
So yeah, it doesn't just go away.
It's a really hard thing to deal with.
There's so many emotions and it just, it never feels normal in the world without them, to
be honest.
So I think just having that level of care and understanding that they're having to live

(54:59):
a life that they never like signed up for.
They never signed up to be living their life without the people that they love.
So I think just, you know, be kind, be patient and another, like, as we said again, like
don't make it about you.
Yes, the friendship might look different for a bit and maybe slightly different forever,
but that's just friendship.

(55:20):
You have to grow together.
You have to continue to be supportive of the things that you go through.
You know, that's just friendship and love.
Well, those are our hot tips for this episode and I hope they've been helpful.
And like every episode we ended on a positive note and we provide a challenge.

(55:43):
And this one, hopefully it'll be easy because we gave you all a whole list, but try out
a tip that we suggested and just be a good friend.
Yeah.
Let us know how it goes.
Yeah.
And let us know what other tips that we missed.
And you know, maybe this is something we can do a part two for and add more tips because

(56:04):
I feel like this is just a growing conversation and there's always more ideas that we can
share with each other.
Like, this is something I think that only helps everybody when we can share this like
knowledge exchange with each other.
Yeah, definitely.
And we will have resources included in the show notes below.
And we have new episodes every Tuesday where we cover grief topics like this.

(56:28):
And we also have a book club about a grief book on Mondays.
Yeah.
And how to join the club is to follow us on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube with Two Girls
with Grief Pod.
We'd love to hear your challenges.
We'd love to hear your suggestions, comments, questions.
You can email us at twogirlswithgrief at gmail.com.

(56:52):
All of that will be in the show notes so you can easily access it.
And then as a reminder, grief looks different for everybody.
And also especially keep that in mind if you're coming to this as a friend trying to help
a griever.
People experience grief differently.
It can vary depending on the person, the type, the relationship, the situation, so many different

(57:13):
things.
So just keep that in mind and kind of, I feel like be bold, be open-minded and just know
it might not work the first time.
Every suggestion we give is going to work on the person that you're trying to help.
But I think as long as they know that you love them and that you care and you're trying,
I think that's the most important thing really at the end of the day.

(57:37):
So thank you all for listening and I hope this episode's helpful.
We see so many conversations on this.
So hopefully this gets people reconnecting, talking, trying new things.
That's what we want to see.
And we'll see you next week.
Bye.
Bye.