June 15, 2025 • 35 mins
What happens when a simple question on a first date completely changes your understanding of marriage and family? That's exactly what I experienced years ago when a woman asked me a hypothetical scenario about saving either her or my children from a sinking boat. While the date ended abruptly after my answer, it led to one of the most profound pieces of wisdom my mother ever shared with me—wisdom that transformed how I approached my second marriage and fatherhood.
Drawing from my experiences as both a divorced parent who had primary custody of my children and a man who remarried, I explore the fundamental challenges facing blended families today. The post that sparked this Father's Day reflection—"Men, why are you afraid of women with children?"—misses the deeper truth: it's not fear, but a legitimate concern about relationship priorities. When a man enters a relationship with a single mother, will he ever truly come first?
This question connects to what I believe is the root of many societal problems: the breakdown of the nuclear family through casual divorce. While there are absolutely legitimate reasons to end a marriage (physical violence and serial infidelity top the list), most divorces happen for reasons that pale in comparison to the damage they cause. Research consistently shows that children from intact families, even troubled ones, generally fare better than children from "good" single-parent homes.
When we commit to marriage and bring children into the world, our lives are no longer primarily about our personal fulfillment. The modern expectation that relationships should provide constant emotional and sexual excitement becomes destructive when it leads to families breaking apart. Remember: your children absorb and internalize your unresolved issues through your actions. By staying committed through difficulties rather than seeking greener pastures, you teach them resilience and the true meaning of love.
How might your perspective on marriage change if you embraced the imperfection of real love? What lessons are your relationship choices teaching your children about commitment? Share your thoughts and experiences about navigating these complex family dynamics.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Happy Father's Day.
It is Sunday, june the 15th.
This is Herbie, your host onEradical Reset, and today we're
not going to talk about politics.
Typically, I do not podcast onSundays, but I am going to do it
today because it's Father's Dayand because I saw a post on X
that just is the right wordmotivated me or is the right
(00:23):
word inspired me to want to dothis podcast.
I'm not sure which, but I saw apost on X and I don't this was
from a person that I don'tfollow, it just showed up on my
feed and was, but it was, and itwas one of those many, many,
many random um posts that youjust normally I would just
breeze by, and it was.
(00:44):
It said something like women,men, why are you afraid of women
with children?
That's exactly what the postwas men, why are you afraid of
women with children?
Now, there's a lot in thatquestion and it made me decide
(01:04):
to, because I at the base ofwhat I think is our entire
society's problem, is thebreakdown of the nuclear family,
and an enormous contributor tothe breakdown of the nuclear
family is no-fault divorce andthe enormous surge in divorces
that has led to, together withthe birth control pill.
So since the invention of thebirth control pill in 1961,
(01:28):
women could behave like men.
Because unless you'reirresponsible and I know I'm
going to get hate mail for this,I know it.
I understand that there's afailure rate with the pill.
I understand, but really,unless you're incredibly unlucky
and today there are many, manymore contraception options and
I'm the furthest thing from anexpert on female contraception
(01:52):
options it's a sad truism thatthe abortion debate even exists,
because there's really noexcuse to get pregnant in this
day and age, male or female,unless you well, you can't get
pregnant if you're a male.
What the hell kind of commentwas that?
(02:14):
Before I started this podcast,I have puffed a little bit of
marijuana, so I might do saylittle things like that.
Okay, anyway, so you get thedrift and together with no-fault
divorce, when you could go, itused to be you had to go into
court and you had to make a goodcase for why you were getting
divorced.
Because there was a time whensociety understood that the
children come first in amarriage and divorce is a bad
(02:36):
option for children.
Always.
Somehow we threw that out thewindow and almost always, I
should say I'll get to that in aminute and we decided that you
could get divorced just becauseyou don't like each other's
looks or you don't have to givea reason, and the ensuing mess.
That's happened.
And now it's not just in theblack community, where it's been
the worst, where 80% of blackchildren are born into
(02:57):
single-parent families, but it'spenetrated every community.
Even the Asian community, whichis the most family stable
community of all, is now intothe serious double digits of
children being born into singleparent families.
And that's expanding, I think,as our decadent culture erodes
(03:18):
the traditional culture of theAsian family, which is a sad
thing.
But I'm not an expert on that,god knows, because I'm not Asian
and I don't even think Asianslike that.
I mean digressing slightly,that's a lazy term.
I mean they're Japanese andChinese and Indians and
Vietnamese.
They're also very, verydifferent people.
Lumping everyone together asAsians is like lumping all of
(03:40):
the Caucasians together andsaying white people, I mean
Scandinavians are as differentfrom Italians as Italians are
different from Russians.
I mean, you know, like we all,we have to get away from this
simple simplification of ofidentity through color thing
that we do, or gender orwhatever it might be.
You know, men think this, womanthink this.
Okay, back to.
I'm going to get back onsubject.
(04:01):
You can tell that I'm in adelightfully loosey-goosey mood,
somewhat supplanted andlubricated by the fruits of the
weed, anyway.
So this brought me back tosomething that actually happened
to me, so I want to bring thisall the way around.
So I saw this post on X.
The post was men, why are youafraid of women with children?
(04:24):
And it brought me back tosomething that really happened
to me.
Now I'm going to hold myselfout here as an expert on
marriage, but I'm an expert onmarriage because I've destroyed
two of them.
Okay, in other words, I am ahypocrite, but good decisions
come from experience, butexperience comes from bad
(04:44):
decisions.
So I think that my unique giftthose of you who have followed
me for any amount of time if Iwas being completely is the word
unhumble or braggadocious, takeyour pick about myself.
I would say I have a uniquegift to self-analyze, see my own
flaws, not beat myself up overthem, and work to change them.
(05:07):
I'm very, very good about that.
I've always been good aboutthat.
If someone points out somethingthat I've done that points to a
flaw even the worst things thatI've done I don't go to
mitigation, I go to solution.
That's just where my head goes.
And in order to get thesolution, you have to be honest
about what you've done, and inorder to do that, you have to
(05:28):
really think.
So that's the context of whatwe're going to talk about now.
I am currently single.
I am not in a relationship or amarriage.
So I don't tell you that in mypast I've done this right.
I'm telling you that because ofall of my mistakes this is a
little fatherly advice the onething I was really really good
(05:48):
at.
I'll be honest about what I wasgood at.
I'm a really good father.
In fact, I might even be agreat father, and I'll tell you
what.
I'll tell you what that entailstoo, just as so I can define
what I.
My children would tell you thatif, if, at any time they had
anything going on or they neededme, I was there, and 99% of
being a good dad is just showingup.
(06:09):
I hate to tell you that.
Number one, of course, is beconsistent.
Number two is don't ever beviolent.
Number three is it's not aboutyou, but the most important
thing.
Number one should always be yougot to show up, you got to be at
the games, the recitals, yougot to be there.
When they're crying, you got tobe there.
When they're happy, you got tobe there always.
(06:31):
You always have to be availableand you have to be able to
provide advice withoutpunishment.
They have to always know that.
Your children have to know thatthey can talk to you about
anything and as long as theybring it up first, it's a free
zone.
So if they've done somehorrible thing that you haven't
found out about, but they cometo you because they know it's a
horrible thing and they want tofind a way out of it or to
(06:52):
mitigate it or in some waylessen what they've done,
because they face the fact thatthey've done something wrong,
you don't punish them fortelling you.
You say wow, that wascourageous, because courage is
the best quality to encourage inyour children.
Courage to encourage, encouragecourage Anyway, you get the
(07:12):
drift.
So now that you have my wholebackground and my fatherly
positions and yada, yada, yada,you know why I'm motivated to do
that.
It's my deeply ingrained fathergene.
But it's all based onexperience and I'd like to share
with you in America how tospare yourselves a lot of
heartache and probably save ourculture at the same time, if
(07:32):
everybody listened to what I'mabout to say, because at the
root of everything is thebreakdown of the nuclear family,
and at the root of thebreakdown of the nuclear family
is divorce.
Okay, now that I've broughtthat all the way around, let's
talk about what I was going toreally talk about, some specific
advice today.
So when I saw this post youknow, men, why are you afraid of
(07:57):
single mothers, single womenwith children?
It brought me back to when mymother was dying of cancer and
was in the University of ArizonaCancer Center and at one point
she was in the hospital for overa year.
And I know that sounds absurdin today's context with the way
insurance manages the amount oftime you spend in the hospital,
but I swear to God, you know,may he strike me dead.
This is absolutely true.
She was in the hospital forsomething like 13 or 14 months
(08:17):
and the reason she was in thehospital that long is she had
the original tumor she had was akidney cancer and it had
metastasized to her bones andevery time she went to leave the
hospital something else wouldbreak and then they'd have to do
more surgeries and she hadHarrington rods in her spine and
all kinds of things, and it wasa real horror story.
Now I had a very complicatedrelationship with my mother that
(08:37):
I'm not going to share rightnow, but not so complicated that
I didn't go to visit her whenshe was in the hospital, you
know, dying of cancer, and shewas a young woman and my mother
died at the age of 50.
So this gives you some context.
I'm 68 today.
So this is.
My mother died in 1986.
So this is quite some time agothat I learned this lesson and
(08:58):
it was a great lesson for life,and I'll explain why, you know,
after I share the lesson withyou that relates to the post and
bring this whole thing togetherfrom all the meandering that
I'm doing.
Sorry about that, okay, well,I'm not really sorry about that.
Either you like this about meor you don't.
And if you do, if you like thereason, the way I tell stories
and weave them in, share thispodcast, and if you don't like
(09:18):
it, turn it off, because that'swho I am, all right, so let's
just keep going down the road.
So my mother was in the hospitaland I had a date, so I had been
in a bank earlier that week.
I think it was Wells Fargo, andI don't think it's important,
but I just happened to rememberthat from back in the day and or
(09:39):
was it even?
Yeah, it was Wells Fargo, orwas it First Interstate, it
doesn't matter.
Why is my mind going thereAnyway?
So I had met a young woman inthe lobby and I'm not a shy
person and we got into a littleconversation and blah, blah,
blah and I asked her out on adate and it turned out she was a
former Miss Arizona and she wasa beautiful, beautiful,
(10:04):
beautiful young woman and I wasenamored with her and I was very
excited about my date.
So the date had come, we wentout on the date and she asked me
it was the shortest date Ithink I've ever been on and she
asked me what I thought was areally bizarre question.
And here was the question.
So I pick her up.
(10:24):
She lived in a town home incentral Tucson.
I lived in Tucson, arizona atthe time.
I picked her up.
We went out to the restaurant.
We sit down, you know, we orderour drinks or our wine, I
forget what it was and we satdown and we're having a little
talk and she says to me let meask you a question Because I
never oh a little context here Ihad custody of my children from
(10:46):
the first marriage, from myfirst marriage.
So I'm going to talk a littlebit about blended families.
This is why I know about I havethe unique experience among men
, fairly unique experience ofI've been the one that ended up
with the children.
So my first wife was an addict.
She died of an overdose later.
It's a long, sad story, but tomake a long story short, I ended
(11:09):
up with custody of my children.
So I was the single parent withchildren, and so I got to cope
with a lot of things that womenhave to cope with, including the
dating situation, because Ialways made it clear that I had
children so that nobody had anymisconceptions and lots of women
thought that was in fact, oneof the unfair advantages that
single fathers have.
The single mothers don't haveis, for some reason and I think
(11:32):
it's biological women find menwho have custody of their
children and do a good job of itunbelievably attractive.
I never had a problem gettingit.
I know it's just the oppositefor women and I think it has to
do with the nurturing thing andestrogen versus testosterone,
but we'll get into more of thata little bit later.
So, but I was a single parent,so she knew about my kids.
(11:54):
So we sat down and the questionshe asked me the bizarro what I
thought was a bizarro questionwas if I was in a rowboat?
This is her speaking.
If I was in a rowboat with yourchildren and the rowboat
overturned and you could onlysave me or your children, who
would you save?
Oh, and if we were married?
That was the other thing.
(12:14):
If we got married and I was ina rowboat with your children and
the rowboat overturned now,this is not a first date, mind
you.
This is what I still think.
That's bizarre.
This is not a first-aidquestion, but maybe it is.
I don't know.
You'll decide for yourself.
Who would I save?
And my answer was,instinctively I'd save the
children.
You know, my God, the children,they're my children.
Plus, they have their wholelives ahead of them and you know
(12:34):
she's more grown up.
I mean, there are a millionways you can justify this in
your mind.
Yeah, she said to me upon myresponse date's over, take me
home.
True story.
This is an absolutely truestory.
So I take her back.
I'm mystified by this.
We don't say three words toeach other on the way back.
It was one of the mostuncomfortable rides ever.
(12:54):
I leave her off.
We don't even shake hands Off,she goes.
That's the end of Miss Arizona.
I'm thinking to myself what abitch.
As I'm driving down the streetand it just so happens, also in
central Tucson, roughly, is theUniversity of Arizona Cancer
Center, which is part of thehospital.
It's a terrific hospital.
If you're ever in Tucson, godforbid if you're sick Excellent
(13:16):
hospital.
So anyway, I go to my mom'sroom.
It's still visiting hours, myGod, the sun isn't even down.
I think it was summertime, sothe sun goes down around 8
o'clock and I think I had pickedher up at 7.
I had gotten rid of her by 7.30, and I was at my mother's room
before 8, and visiting hours, Ithink, went to 9 or something
like that.
So anyway, I thought I'd go tovisit my mom because I had
(13:39):
nothing else to do and I had ababysitter, and those of you who
are single parents know if youhave a babysitter on the night
out, that's absolutely great.
So you might as well go dosomething else, not just waste
the time.
So I went to see my mom and shewas happy to see me, of course,
and they tell her this wholestory and what the question was.
And my mother said to me it wasthe wisest advice she ever gave
me.
She said you do understand thequestion she asked you, don't
(14:03):
you?
And I said, no, I mean, what'sto understand?
It was an idiotic question.
She said, well, it was inartful.
I love that word.
It was inartful.
That's what my mother, thereason I speak the way I speak
and I use a lot of words thatreally it sounds like I'm trying
to be pretentious, but I reallyuse them in my day-to-day
(14:24):
speech is that my mother spokethis way and I just picked it up
.
Plus, we're a family of readers, and so that's it.
That explains that.
So, anyway, so my motherrephrased the question.
She said what she was reallyasking you was, if you got
married, who would come first?
Of course she's not going to bein a rowboat with your children
(14:44):
.
Of course the rowboat's notgoing to overturn.
Of course you're not going tobe faced with a decision of
which one are you going to save?
The question was really, whichone was going to come first?
And she said to me, looked meright in the eye and she said
and, herbie, if you ever getmarried again, if your wife
doesn't, if you can't say toyourself honestly your wife
comes first, don't get married.
(15:07):
And I never forgot that lesson.
It registered with me rightaway and it's become, it is and
still is part of my code of life.
So when I got married to Terry,my second wife, and I had my
two children, who were by this.
I didn't get married right away.
I was a single parent for sixyears and Terry and I dated for
(15:28):
a substantial portion of thattime and they knew Terry very,
very well, but they and, by theway, I never brought women home
until I knew it was going to bethe one.
So another little side notethose of you who are single
parents don't bring men andwomen home.
Depending if you're a mom or adad is why I'm saying this or
gay or straight for that matter.
Just don't bring sexualpartners home.
(15:50):
Okay, wait until you're eithermarried the second time or
certainly you're engaged, youknow, because it's a horrible
life lesson to wear yourchildren.
You know the revolving and youcan sit there and justify that
any way you want, but you'refull of shit.
Okay, I'm sorry.
There are boundaries to goodbehavior.
Think of them as fences and youdon't just kick them over
(16:11):
before asking yourself why isthat fence there?
Is it there to protect me or tokeep me, you know, like caged
in?
And almost always that fence isthere to protect you.
So, before you go kicking downevery fence, think about it for
a minute.
And one of those fences when itcomes to your children because
remember this, and this is atheme I'm going to return to
(16:33):
your children are thereceptacles of all your
unresolved issues.
When you download into themthat you're basically a male or
female slut, that is whatthey're going to pick up in
their own life.
Okay, so anyway, I digress Backon subject.
So Terry and I were gettingmarried, it was 1989.
Back on subject.
So terry and I were gettingmarried, it was 1989.
Um, our anniversary was tax day, april the 15th, which we did
purposely.
Not only did it fall on aweekend, which was very
convenient, but it would all,but it also um would be easy to
(16:56):
remember.
So, and weirdly enough, it'salso the birthday of my, of my
puppy pepper, my airdale terrier, who I love more than anything
in this world these days.
Well, not more anything, butshe's certainly right up there
touching the top of the list,anyway.
So, anyway, when I married Terry, I sat down.
So my daughter Lindsay who wasthe maid of honor in the wedding
(17:17):
, by the way, was at the time.
Let's see, this is 1989.
She was born in 1978.
So she was 13.
And John was 11.
John was my best man, my sonJonathan, and so you should have
seen this.
We were in matching tuxedos, itwas so cute.
And our wedding picturesdigressing.
(17:38):
There's a shot with me and myson walking down a hallway in
Ventana Canyon Resort in Tucson,arizona.
Anyway, it won a bunch ofawards for the photographer.
His name was John Wolfe.
It was just a great picture andit was really a great wedding.
But anyway, I don't mean toshare with you how fun the
wedding was, but it was a funwedding and it was fun for so
many reasons.
(17:59):
Okay, I got to digress and tellyou one quick story, so I'll get
back to it.
Don't worry, I'm not going toforget where I am, but my, my
wife, terry, is, was, is.
She's not dead.
We're actually very goodfriends.
She's of Scandinavian descent,so, um, and she comes, you know,
like from the Knudsen's.
That's that kind of, you know,norwegian.
So they're very unemotionalpeople, I mean really they're.
(18:21):
They're very stoic and, um,they're very stoic and there's
certain stereotypes that aretrue and that's one of them.
You know, the saying in theirfamily was Knudsen's don't cry,
you know, and they really don't.
I've been at funerals withKnudsen's that don't cry.
I was the one sobbing like anidiot, and of course, I turned
Terry into a sobbing idiot too,which she blames me for to this
(18:43):
day, but I feel it's one of mypositive contributions to her
life.
So what can I say?
So, anyway, my mother-in-lawfor whatever reason, I had very
little contact with my futuremother-in-law until after I got
married.
By the way, she's wonderful,she's alive to this day.
She's in her late 90s.
God bless you, doris.
And you know she's a wonderful,wonderful woman who I think the
(19:05):
world of and I learned a lotabout Christianity from, and
she's a terrific person.
So anyway, doris, jewish menI'm Jewish, so you couldn't be
more opposite than Scandinavian,you know, where Scandinavians
barely touch each other.
Jews are very physicallyaffectionate people and one of
the things that just mymother-in-law was so funny, she
(19:28):
actually went to Terry and askedher if she was sure I wasn't
gay, because Jewish men, asthose of you who know Jews know
will hug and occasionally kisseach other.
That are friends and family,and family will kiss each other
on the lips.
So, like men, we don't have thebody shell around you know we
anyway, at least not in myfamily.
So it was just kind of funny.
(19:49):
So anyway, back on track.
Before I got married to Terry, Isat down with John and Lindsay
and I said here's the deal.
I'm marrying Terry and, fromthis point forward, love you
though I do, and I would take abullet for you and sacrifice my
own life for you and give youevery organ in my body if you
needed it.
Understand how much I love you,but Terry will always come
first.
I will never take your side inan argument with Terry.
(20:11):
I'm just going to tell you thatright now.
No matter, even if I thinkyou're right, you're going to be
wrong.
I will never, ever, ever takeyour side.
And I'm telling you this now sothat you understand, going in,
when I never take your side, youdon't take this personally.
This is because I'd like thismarriage to work.
You don't understand that now,but understand what I'm just
(20:31):
telling you.
That's it.
And, of course, like all kidsafter we got married, they
tested that theory and theyfailed that test over and over
and over again because I never,ever, ever once took the side of
the kids against Terry, andthat's extremely important.
And I have found over the yearsthat, while I was able to do
(20:52):
that, a lot of that has to dowith my maleness and it's very
unusual that a woman can do that, what normally happens in a
relationship with and now I'mrevolving back to the post on X
this Morning, the advice from mymother and the advice I'm
giving you out there, singlemoms in particular, who I'm
speaking to.
I'm going to come to a piece ofadvice in a minute.
But the reason that men aren'tafraid of you, men just want to
(21:15):
come first, because it's onlyreasonable that within a
relationship with someone thatyou're romantically involved
with that, you should come firstwhen you have that kind of
intimacy involved with that.
You should come first when youhave that kind of intimacy.
And if you don't, if you're notgoing to come first, and it's
very hard, and understandably so, for a woman to take your side
against her own children, don'tget involved.
And since the there are manyexceptions and I know that you
(21:37):
know, you can all send meletters about how you had a
really great set and I had avery successful second marriage
too, but it's because I enforcedthis rule and I had a very
successful second marriage too,but it's because I enforced this
rule.
Okay, I know that's why we hada success.
I fucked it up, but it hadnothing to do with the
foundations of our marriage.
It had to do with my ownimperfections, which is not
really relevant to thisdiscussion, but I really will
(21:57):
discuss it with you some othertime.
But the bottom line is that'swhy men aren't dating you, women
with children.
So now we're going to come tothe advice Don't get divorced.
Okay, one of the things societycould do.
I'm going to tell you you'regoing to regret it If you're in
a relationship now.
Now, with here's the exceptions,if I'm speaking to women now,
(22:20):
if the man has struck you evenonce, you are completely
justified to get out of thatrelationship.
Physical violence, role modelto your children, let alone
inflicted upon you, is beyondpoisonous and it's criminal and
you should get out of there, nomatter what he says, no matter
how he apologizes.
(22:41):
You know, I'll tell you what Itaught my children years and
years and years ago, which iswhen you're dating somebody.
When we first go out and wedate, we're all on party manners
, we all are putting on our bestface.
We can't help it.
It's not that we're lying orwe're being false.
We're just putting forward thebest version of ourselves, as we
(23:01):
wish we were.
But sooner or later, the realperson comes squeaking out, and
the trick is to believe it.
That's what I used to alwaystell my kids.
One day, when you're having anargument or in just a weird
random moment, this person isgoing to say or do something
that's going to strike you asway out of character for the
person that you think you know.
And that's the real personright there.
The trick is, it's that anomaly.
(23:24):
That's the real person, not thefacade that you've been dating
all along.
You don't get to see behindthat until you become not just
sexually intimate butemotionally intimate, which is
two completely different things,unfortunately.
But I could go on for hoursabout that too.
So, anyway, the bottom line sothe exception is, of course, you
(23:45):
should be able to get divorcedimmediately and you should get
the hell out of thereimmediately and don't forgive
him and don't give him secondchances, because that's the real
guy.
If a man will strike a womanout, get out of there, okay.
That's number one.
Number two if he's um beatingyour children, now, there's an
enormous difference betweenbeating and spanking okay.
(24:07):
A spanking on the butt througha diaper when they're a toddler
to get their attention, is not abeating.
Okay.
A clenched fist slugging them,that's a beating.
Okay.
Do we all get that?
Taking off a belt and whackingthe shit out of them
uncontrollably?
I've been the subject of this.
This is how I know this.
That's a beating.
Okay.
(24:27):
But those are the oh and that'sit.
Those are the exceptions.
Now, you might have been marriedto an asshole that verbally
occasionally denigrates you.
You shouldn't put up with thatshit.
You should give it to him rightback.
You should have a good argumentover it, but that's not grounds
for divorce.
You might have a husband or awife, but I'm speaking to women.
(24:49):
I'm going to stick with thisperspective.
He might be an asshole.
He might be arrogant, oh.
The other exception is serialcheating.
If he's made a mistake and youfound out about it and it's
genuinely a mistake, forgive him.
I don't know what you know.
Men cheat for two reasons.
One is they're just men andthey find themselves like I know
(25:13):
this is going to seem cliche,but they're on a business trip
and they just fuck up.
They get a little drunk in thehotel bar and there's a woman
there who's it's just, it's thewrong woman at the wrong place
at the wrong time and lubricatedby alcohol, he just fucks up
and he's so overcome by guilt hedoesn't even make an attempt to
(25:33):
cover it up and you discover it.
You know there's always a tellor he just acts so guilty.
This is not grounds for divorce.
You know, pistol, whip the shitout of him, deny him sex for a
while, but absolutely positively, don't get divorced over it.
However, if you're married to ahound dog who's a compulsive
cheater because he's completelyout of control, that's horrible
(25:54):
role modeling for your daughters, or your sons for that matter,
that's also grounds for divorce.
But outside of these extremebehaviors, which, thank God, are
a minority they're asignificant minority,
particularly the serial cheatertype, but it's still a
relatively tiny minority thereis no other grounds for divorce
(26:14):
Not getting along.
You're not attracted, you don'tfeel sexually attracted, you
have a brother-sisterrelationship.
I know all this bullshit.
I've said all these things inthe past.
They don't understand me.
I feel ignored.
I'm probably repeating myselfat this point.
We all know all the reasons whypeople you know he's such an
asshole, blah, blah, blah.
And then you start tellingyourself my kids are, and we're
fighting all the time.
That's the other one.
(26:35):
We're fighting all the time andthe kids will be better off if
they're not in a house wherethere's all this fighting going
on.
That's bullshit Fact.
Check me on this.
There are a gajillion andthat's not a real number.
I just don't know the realnumber, but there are a myriad
let's use that word of studieson this subject that are well
done and by people who know whatthey're talking about, and the
(26:58):
results are consistent Children,even from a messed up, lousy
marriage, come out better thanchildren from a quote-unquote
good single mother.
Now, look, as soon as I say thatI know that there are a lot of
you single mothers that are good.
The way you can pull off asingle parenting thing is if the
grandfather or an uncle iswilling to step up and fill the
role as the father.
(27:18):
That's the best way.
Or you have a spectacularlygood relationship with your ex
okay, which is another subjectfor another day.
That was what happened with usand I have a.
I have had and have a reallygood relationship with my ex,
and that took a special effort,but that's another talk for
another day.
If I want to talk to you aboutyour happiness, ladies, you want
(27:41):
to be happy in the long term.
All of these things that arebothering you is just part of
life, of the sexual you know.
Let's be honest, you know'shard.
You're not going to be ateenage horned dog forever.
That feeling that you'reseeking and I'm now going to
rake your children through thecoals Again.
I repeat, your children are thereceptacles of all of your
(28:01):
unresolved issues.
Your need to be reaffirmedthrough constant sexual
excitement is not the thing tobe downloading into your
children.
I like sex as much as the nextperson, but in a marriage it
becomes part of the marriage,not the entire marriage.
Okay, I mean a sexless marriageis a miserable thing and still
(28:23):
it's not grounds for divorce,but it's absolutely.
You got to drag your spouse into get some help about this.
I mean you know like you got todrag your spouse in to get some
help about this.
I mean you know like you got tobe having some sex.
But it's the point I'm tellingyou it's not going to be every
day, like like teenagers.
You know, if you're getting alittle nookie once a week,
you're in an average marriage.
That's kind of what it is, youknow, sometimes even once a
month.
But you know, if it gets intomore than that then you really
(28:45):
want to see what's the problem.
But you know, like I don't wantto get too much into therapy,
I'm just telling you, ladies,your need for attention within
the context of a marriage whereyour husband's ignoring you
calls for you to work on yourhusband and slap him across the
face metaphorically to make himpay attention.
But it does not mean you getdivorced or go off.
(29:07):
And this is why women haveaffairs is because they feel
they're being ignored by andlarge.
This is the reason why and theyfind someone who's not ignoring
them, but that's, that's pie inthe sky and you are destroying
the lives of your children.
The moment that you get marriedand say I do, and then you
become pregnant, that's it.
It's not about you anymore,it's about the children and it's
(29:28):
.
But in the long term it isabout you, because the only way
you're going to really be happyis to stay better the devil, you
know.
You know it's not a lotdifferent that when I was an
employer.
I'm not sure how relevant thisis, I'll just share it.
When I was an employer, myattitude before I would fire
somebody, I would give them alot of rope and a lot of
warnings, because it's alwaysbetter the devil, you know.
(29:50):
You know as messed up as anemployee might be, they might
have problems with reliabilityor work product or whatever it
might be.
Most of those things arefixable and you're better off
spending time fixing that withthe existing employee than
firing them, because thatcreates a whole new set of
unknown problems, because humanbeings are not robots and you're
(30:12):
going to inherit a set ofproblems and they're going to be
just different problems, notbetter problems.
And that's the problem withgetting from a woman's point of
view, with seeking, you know,divorcing because she's unhappy.
I'm deeply unhappy and the kidssee me unhappy and it's not
good for them to see me.
That's all bullshit, bullshit.
Okay, better than unhappinessis part of life.
Better they learned to copewith it.
(30:33):
Better they use you as acontrast to how to have a
happier marriage later.
But the overall overarching umrole modeling you're doing is
that you've hung in there eventhough you're unhappy.
That message is so much betterthan I quit because I was
unhappy and went off and chasedNookie elsewhere and then either
never got remarried again orgot into shitty second and third
and fourth marriages.
(30:53):
Because I forgot the part whereit doesn't work, particularly
for women in a second marriage,99% of the time.
Sorry, it's true.
That's the thought I'm leavingyou with.
Stay married, it's good for you, it's good for your children,
it's good for society.
It's just for you, it's goodfor your children, it's good for
society, it's just good.
That doesn't mean it doesn'thave its painful, horrible
(31:13):
moments.
That's not what good means.
The enemy of good is perfect.
It's not perfect.
It's as good as life is evergoing to give you, and the
moment you embrace that, you canbecome happy because you stop
having expectations that lifecan be a television show, 1990s
sitcom, where everything turnsout at the end.
Okay, my friends, that's it.
(31:34):
That's the end of my Father'sDay rant.
Have a happy Father's Dayyourself.
Don't forget to pick up a copyof Radical Reset, the Manifesto
of Antipolitism, available toyou at Amazon on Kindle,
paperback or hardcover.
You take your pick, it's whatcomes next.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm Herbie, and have abeautiful rest of your day.
God bless you and God blessAmerica.
Happy Father's Day.
It is Sunday, june the 15th.
This is Herbie, your host onEradical Reset, and today we're
not going to talk about politics.
Typically, I do not podcast onSundays, but I am going to do it
today because it's Father's Dayand because I saw a post on X
that just is the right wordmotivated me or is the right
(00:23):
word inspired me to want to dothis podcast.
I'm not sure which, but I saw apost on X and I don't this was
from a person that I don'tfollow, it just showed up on my
feed and was, but it was, and itwas one of those many, many,
many random um posts that youjust normally I would just
breeze by, and it was.
(00:44):
It said something like women,men, why are you afraid of women
with children?
That's exactly what the postwas men, why are you afraid of
women with children?
Now, there's a lot in thatquestion and it made me decide
(01:04):
to, because I at the base ofwhat I think is our entire
society's problem, is thebreakdown of the nuclear family,
and an enormous contributor tothe breakdown of the nuclear
family is no-fault divorce andthe enormous surge in divorces
that has led to, together withthe birth control pill.
So since the invention of thebirth control pill in 1961,
(01:28):
women could behave like men.
Because unless you'reirresponsible and I know I'm
going to get hate mail for this,I know it.
I understand that there's afailure rate with the pill.
I understand, but really,unless you're incredibly unlucky
and today there are many, manymore contraception options and
I'm the furthest thing from anexpert on female contraception
(01:52):
options it's a sad truism thatthe abortion debate even exists,
because there's really noexcuse to get pregnant in this
day and age, male or female,unless you well, you can't get
pregnant if you're a male.
What the hell kind of commentwas that?
(02:14):
Before I started this podcast,I have puffed a little bit of
marijuana, so I might do saylittle things like that.
Okay, anyway, so you get thedrift and together with no-fault
divorce, when you could go, itused to be you had to go into
court and you had to make a goodcase for why you were getting
divorced.
Because there was a time whensociety understood that the
children come first in amarriage and divorce is a bad
(02:36):
option for children.
Always.
Somehow we threw that out thewindow and almost always, I
should say I'll get to that in aminute and we decided that you
could get divorced just becauseyou don't like each other's
looks or you don't have to givea reason, and the ensuing mess.
That's happened.
And now it's not just in theblack community, where it's been
the worst, where 80% of blackchildren are born into
(02:57):
single-parent families, but it'spenetrated every community.
Even the Asian community, whichis the most family stable
community of all, is now intothe serious double digits of
children being born into singleparent families.
And that's expanding, I think,as our decadent culture erodes
(03:18):
the traditional culture of theAsian family, which is a sad
thing.
But I'm not an expert on that,god knows, because I'm not Asian
and I don't even think Asianslike that.
I mean digressing slightly,that's a lazy term.
I mean they're Japanese andChinese and Indians and
Vietnamese.
They're also very, verydifferent people.
Lumping everyone together asAsians is like lumping all of
(03:40):
the Caucasians together andsaying white people, I mean
Scandinavians are as differentfrom Italians as Italians are
different from Russians.
I mean, you know, like we all,we have to get away from this
simple simplification of ofidentity through color thing
that we do, or gender orwhatever it might be.
You know, men think this, womanthink this.
Okay, back to.
I'm going to get back onsubject.
(04:01):
You can tell that I'm in adelightfully loosey-goosey mood,
somewhat supplanted andlubricated by the fruits of the
weed, anyway.
So this brought me back tosomething that actually happened
to me, so I want to bring thisall the way around.
So I saw this post on X.
The post was men, why are youafraid of women with children?
(04:24):
And it brought me back tosomething that really happened
to me.
Now I'm going to hold myselfout here as an expert on
marriage, but I'm an expert onmarriage because I've destroyed
two of them.
Okay, in other words, I am ahypocrite, but good decisions
come from experience, butexperience comes from bad
(04:44):
decisions.
So I think that my unique giftthose of you who have followed
me for any amount of time if Iwas being completely is the word
unhumble or braggadocious, takeyour pick about myself.
I would say I have a uniquegift to self-analyze, see my own
flaws, not beat myself up overthem, and work to change them.
(05:07):
I'm very, very good about that.
I've always been good aboutthat.
If someone points out somethingthat I've done that points to a
flaw even the worst things thatI've done I don't go to
mitigation, I go to solution.
That's just where my head goes.
And in order to get thesolution, you have to be honest
about what you've done, and inorder to do that, you have to
(05:28):
really think.
So that's the context of whatwe're going to talk about now.
I am currently single.
I am not in a relationship or amarriage.
So I don't tell you that in mypast I've done this right.
I'm telling you that because ofall of my mistakes this is a
little fatherly advice the onething I was really really good
(05:48):
at.
I'll be honest about what I wasgood at.
I'm a really good father.
In fact, I might even be agreat father, and I'll tell you
what.
I'll tell you what that entailstoo, just as so I can define
what I.
My children would tell you thatif, if, at any time they had
anything going on or they neededme, I was there, and 99% of
being a good dad is just showingup.
(06:09):
I hate to tell you that.
Number one, of course, is beconsistent.
Number two is don't ever beviolent.
Number three is it's not aboutyou, but the most important
thing.
Number one should always be yougot to show up, you got to be at
the games, the recitals, yougot to be there.
When they're crying, you got tobe there.
When they're happy, you got tobe there always.
(06:31):
You always have to be availableand you have to be able to
provide advice withoutpunishment.
They have to always know that.
Your children have to know thatthey can talk to you about
anything and as long as theybring it up first, it's a free
zone.
So if they've done somehorrible thing that you haven't
found out about, but they cometo you because they know it's a
horrible thing and they want tofind a way out of it or to
(06:52):
mitigate it or in some waylessen what they've done,
because they face the fact thatthey've done something wrong,
you don't punish them fortelling you.
You say wow, that wascourageous, because courage is
the best quality to encourage inyour children.
Courage to encourage, encouragecourage Anyway, you get the
(07:12):
drift.
So now that you have my wholebackground and my fatherly
positions and yada, yada, yada,you know why I'm motivated to do
that.
It's my deeply ingrained fathergene.
But it's all based onexperience and I'd like to share
with you in America how tospare yourselves a lot of
heartache and probably save ourculture at the same time, if
(07:32):
everybody listened to what I'mabout to say, because at the
root of everything is thebreakdown of the nuclear family,
and at the root of thebreakdown of the nuclear family
is divorce.
Okay, now that I've broughtthat all the way around, let's
talk about what I was going toreally talk about, some specific
advice today.
So when I saw this post youknow, men, why are you afraid of
(07:57):
single mothers, single womenwith children?
It brought me back to when mymother was dying of cancer and
was in the University of ArizonaCancer Center and at one point
she was in the hospital for overa year.
And I know that sounds absurdin today's context with the way
insurance manages the amount oftime you spend in the hospital,
but I swear to God, you know,may he strike me dead.
This is absolutely true.
She was in the hospital forsomething like 13 or 14 months
(08:17):
and the reason she was in thehospital that long is she had
the original tumor she had was akidney cancer and it had
metastasized to her bones andevery time she went to leave the
hospital something else wouldbreak and then they'd have to do
more surgeries and she hadHarrington rods in her spine and
all kinds of things, and it wasa real horror story.
Now I had a very complicatedrelationship with my mother that
(08:37):
I'm not going to share rightnow, but not so complicated that
I didn't go to visit her whenshe was in the hospital, you
know, dying of cancer, and shewas a young woman and my mother
died at the age of 50.
So this gives you some context.
I'm 68 today.
So this is.
My mother died in 1986.
So this is quite some time agothat I learned this lesson and
(08:58):
it was a great lesson for life,and I'll explain why, you know,
after I share the lesson withyou that relates to the post and
bring this whole thing togetherfrom all the meandering that
I'm doing.
Sorry about that, okay, well,I'm not really sorry about that.
Either you like this about meor you don't.
And if you do, if you like thereason, the way I tell stories
and weave them in, share thispodcast, and if you don't like
(09:18):
it, turn it off, because that'swho I am, all right, so let's
just keep going down the road.
So my mother was in the hospitaland I had a date, so I had been
in a bank earlier that week.
I think it was Wells Fargo, andI don't think it's important,
but I just happened to rememberthat from back in the day and or
(09:39):
was it even?
Yeah, it was Wells Fargo, orwas it First Interstate, it
doesn't matter.
Why is my mind going thereAnyway?
So I had met a young woman inthe lobby and I'm not a shy
person and we got into a littleconversation and blah, blah,
blah and I asked her out on adate and it turned out she was a
former Miss Arizona and she wasa beautiful, beautiful,
(10:04):
beautiful young woman and I wasenamored with her and I was very
excited about my date.
So the date had come, we wentout on the date and she asked me
it was the shortest date Ithink I've ever been on and she
asked me what I thought was areally bizarre question.
And here was the question.
So I pick her up.
(10:24):
She lived in a town home incentral Tucson.
I lived in Tucson, arizona atthe time.
I picked her up.
We went out to the restaurant.
We sit down, you know, we orderour drinks or our wine, I
forget what it was and we satdown and we're having a little
talk and she says to me let meask you a question Because I
never oh a little context here Ihad custody of my children from
(10:46):
the first marriage, from myfirst marriage.
So I'm going to talk a littlebit about blended families.
This is why I know about I havethe unique experience among men
, fairly unique experience ofI've been the one that ended up
with the children.
So my first wife was an addict.
She died of an overdose later.
It's a long, sad story, but tomake a long story short, I ended
(11:09):
up with custody of my children.
So I was the single parent withchildren, and so I got to cope
with a lot of things that womenhave to cope with, including the
dating situation, because Ialways made it clear that I had
children so that nobody had anymisconceptions and lots of women
thought that was in fact, oneof the unfair advantages that
single fathers have.
The single mothers don't haveis, for some reason and I think
(11:32):
it's biological women find menwho have custody of their
children and do a good job of itunbelievably attractive.
I never had a problem gettingit.
I know it's just the oppositefor women and I think it has to
do with the nurturing thing andestrogen versus testosterone,
but we'll get into more of thata little bit later.
So, but I was a single parent,so she knew about my kids.
(11:54):
So we sat down and the questionshe asked me the bizarro what I
thought was a bizarro questionwas if I was in a rowboat?
This is her speaking.
If I was in a rowboat with yourchildren and the rowboat
overturned and you could onlysave me or your children, who
would you save?
Oh, and if we were married?
That was the other thing.
(12:14):
If we got married and I was ina rowboat with your children and
the rowboat overturned now,this is not a first date, mind
you.
This is what I still think.
That's bizarre.
This is not a first-aidquestion, but maybe it is.
I don't know.
You'll decide for yourself.
Who would I save?
And my answer was,instinctively I'd save the
children.
You know, my God, the children,they're my children.
Plus, they have their wholelives ahead of them and you know
(12:34):
she's more grown up.
I mean, there are a millionways you can justify this in
your mind.
Yeah, she said to me upon myresponse date's over, take me
home.
True story.
This is an absolutely truestory.
So I take her back.
I'm mystified by this.
We don't say three words toeach other on the way back.
It was one of the mostuncomfortable rides ever.
(12:54):
I leave her off.
We don't even shake hands Off,she goes.
That's the end of Miss Arizona.
I'm thinking to myself what abitch.
As I'm driving down the streetand it just so happens, also in
central Tucson, roughly, is theUniversity of Arizona Cancer
Center, which is part of thehospital.
It's a terrific hospital.
If you're ever in Tucson, godforbid if you're sick Excellent
(13:16):
hospital.
So anyway, I go to my mom'sroom.
It's still visiting hours, myGod, the sun isn't even down.
I think it was summertime, sothe sun goes down around 8
o'clock and I think I had pickedher up at 7.
I had gotten rid of her by 7.30, and I was at my mother's room
before 8, and visiting hours, Ithink, went to 9 or something
like that.
So anyway, I thought I'd go tovisit my mom because I had
(13:39):
nothing else to do and I had ababysitter, and those of you who
are single parents know if youhave a babysitter on the night
out, that's absolutely great.
So you might as well go dosomething else, not just waste
the time.
So I went to see my mom and shewas happy to see me, of course,
and they tell her this wholestory and what the question was.
And my mother said to me it wasthe wisest advice she ever gave
me.
She said you do understand thequestion she asked you, don't
(14:03):
you?
And I said, no, I mean, what'sto understand?
It was an idiotic question.
She said, well, it was inartful.
I love that word.
It was inartful.
That's what my mother, thereason I speak the way I speak
and I use a lot of words thatreally it sounds like I'm trying
to be pretentious, but I reallyuse them in my day-to-day
(14:24):
speech is that my mother spokethis way and I just picked it up
.
Plus, we're a family of readers, and so that's it.
That explains that.
So, anyway, so my motherrephrased the question.
She said what she was reallyasking you was, if you got
married, who would come first?
Of course she's not going to bein a rowboat with your children
(14:44):
.
Of course the rowboat's notgoing to overturn.
Of course you're not going tobe faced with a decision of
which one are you going to save?
The question was really, whichone was going to come first?
And she said to me, looked meright in the eye and she said
and, herbie, if you ever getmarried again, if your wife
doesn't, if you can't say toyourself honestly your wife
comes first, don't get married.
(15:07):
And I never forgot that lesson.
It registered with me rightaway and it's become, it is and
still is part of my code of life.
So when I got married to Terry,my second wife, and I had my
two children, who were by this.
I didn't get married right away.
I was a single parent for sixyears and Terry and I dated for
(15:28):
a substantial portion of thattime and they knew Terry very,
very well, but they and, by theway, I never brought women home
until I knew it was going to bethe one.
So another little side notethose of you who are single
parents don't bring men andwomen home.
Depending if you're a mom or adad is why I'm saying this or
gay or straight for that matter.
Just don't bring sexualpartners home.
(15:50):
Okay, wait until you're eithermarried the second time or
certainly you're engaged, youknow, because it's a horrible
life lesson to wear yourchildren.
You know the revolving and youcan sit there and justify that
any way you want, but you'refull of shit.
Okay, I'm sorry.
There are boundaries to goodbehavior.
Think of them as fences and youdon't just kick them over
(16:11):
before asking yourself why isthat fence there?
Is it there to protect me or tokeep me, you know, like caged
in?
And almost always that fence isthere to protect you.
So, before you go kicking downevery fence, think about it for
a minute.
And one of those fences when itcomes to your children because
remember this, and this is atheme I'm going to return to
(16:33):
your children are thereceptacles of all your
unresolved issues.
When you download into themthat you're basically a male or
female slut, that is whatthey're going to pick up in
their own life.
Okay, so anyway, I digress Backon subject.
So Terry and I were gettingmarried, it was 1989.
Back on subject.
So terry and I were gettingmarried, it was 1989.
Um, our anniversary was tax day, april the 15th, which we did
purposely.
Not only did it fall on aweekend, which was very
convenient, but it would all,but it also um would be easy to
(16:56):
remember.
So, and weirdly enough, it'salso the birthday of my, of my
puppy pepper, my airdale terrier, who I love more than anything
in this world these days.
Well, not more anything, butshe's certainly right up there
touching the top of the list,anyway.
So, anyway, when I married Terry, I sat down.
So my daughter Lindsay who wasthe maid of honor in the wedding
(17:17):
, by the way, was at the time.
Let's see, this is 1989.
She was born in 1978.
So she was 13.
And John was 11.
John was my best man, my sonJonathan, and so you should have
seen this.
We were in matching tuxedos, itwas so cute.
And our wedding picturesdigressing.
(17:38):
There's a shot with me and myson walking down a hallway in
Ventana Canyon Resort in Tucson,arizona.
Anyway, it won a bunch ofawards for the photographer.
His name was John Wolfe.
It was just a great picture andit was really a great wedding.
But anyway, I don't mean toshare with you how fun the
wedding was, but it was a funwedding and it was fun for so
many reasons.
(17:59):
Okay, I got to digress and tellyou one quick story, so I'll get
back to it.
Don't worry, I'm not going toforget where I am, but my, my
wife, terry, is, was, is.
She's not dead.
We're actually very goodfriends.
She's of Scandinavian descent,so, um, and she comes, you know,
like from the Knudsen's.
That's that kind of, you know,norwegian.
So they're very unemotionalpeople, I mean really they're.
(18:21):
They're very stoic and, um,they're very stoic and there's
certain stereotypes that aretrue and that's one of them.
You know, the saying in theirfamily was Knudsen's don't cry,
you know, and they really don't.
I've been at funerals withKnudsen's that don't cry.
I was the one sobbing like anidiot, and of course, I turned
Terry into a sobbing idiot too,which she blames me for to this
(18:43):
day, but I feel it's one of mypositive contributions to her
life.
So what can I say?
So, anyway, my mother-in-lawfor whatever reason, I had very
little contact with my futuremother-in-law until after I got
married.
By the way, she's wonderful,she's alive to this day.
She's in her late 90s.
God bless you, doris.
And you know she's a wonderful,wonderful woman who I think the
(19:05):
world of and I learned a lotabout Christianity from, and
she's a terrific person.
So anyway, doris, jewish menI'm Jewish, so you couldn't be
more opposite than Scandinavian,you know, where Scandinavians
barely touch each other.
Jews are very physicallyaffectionate people and one of
the things that just mymother-in-law was so funny, she
(19:28):
actually went to Terry and askedher if she was sure I wasn't
gay, because Jewish men, asthose of you who know Jews know
will hug and occasionally kisseach other.
That are friends and family,and family will kiss each other
on the lips.
So, like men, we don't have thebody shell around you know we
anyway, at least not in myfamily.
So it was just kind of funny.
(19:49):
So anyway, back on track.
Before I got married to Terry, Isat down with John and Lindsay
and I said here's the deal.
I'm marrying Terry and, fromthis point forward, love you
though I do, and I would take abullet for you and sacrifice my
own life for you and give youevery organ in my body if you
needed it.
Understand how much I love you,but Terry will always come
first.
I will never take your side inan argument with Terry.
(20:11):
I'm just going to tell you thatright now.
No matter, even if I thinkyou're right, you're going to be
wrong.
I will never, ever, ever takeyour side.
And I'm telling you this now sothat you understand, going in,
when I never take your side, youdon't take this personally.
This is because I'd like thismarriage to work.
You don't understand that now,but understand what I'm just
(20:31):
telling you.
That's it.
And, of course, like all kidsafter we got married, they
tested that theory and theyfailed that test over and over
and over again because I never,ever, ever once took the side of
the kids against Terry, andthat's extremely important.
And I have found over the yearsthat, while I was able to do
(20:52):
that, a lot of that has to dowith my maleness and it's very
unusual that a woman can do that, what normally happens in a
relationship with and now I'mrevolving back to the post on X
this Morning, the advice from mymother and the advice I'm
giving you out there, singlemoms in particular, who I'm
speaking to.
I'm going to come to a piece ofadvice in a minute.
But the reason that men aren'tafraid of you, men just want to
(21:15):
come first, because it's onlyreasonable that within a
relationship with someone thatyou're romantically involved
with that, you should come firstwhen you have that kind of
intimacy involved with that.
You should come first when youhave that kind of intimacy.
And if you don't, if you're notgoing to come first, and it's
very hard, and understandably so, for a woman to take your side
against her own children, don'tget involved.
And since the there are manyexceptions and I know that you
(21:37):
know, you can all send meletters about how you had a
really great set and I had avery successful second marriage
too, but it's because I enforcedthis rule and I had a very
successful second marriage too,but it's because I enforced this
rule.
Okay, I know that's why we hada success.
I fucked it up, but it hadnothing to do with the
foundations of our marriage.
It had to do with my ownimperfections, which is not
really relevant to thisdiscussion, but I really will
(21:57):
discuss it with you some othertime.
But the bottom line is that'swhy men aren't dating you, women
with children.
So now we're going to come tothe advice Don't get divorced.
Okay, one of the things societycould do.
I'm going to tell you you'regoing to regret it If you're in
a relationship now.
Now, with here's the exceptions,if I'm speaking to women now,
(22:20):
if the man has struck you evenonce, you are completely
justified to get out of thatrelationship.
Physical violence, role modelto your children, let alone
inflicted upon you, is beyondpoisonous and it's criminal and
you should get out of there, nomatter what he says, no matter
how he apologizes.
(22:41):
You know, I'll tell you what Itaught my children years and
years and years ago, which iswhen you're dating somebody.
When we first go out and wedate, we're all on party manners
, we all are putting on our bestface.
We can't help it.
It's not that we're lying orwe're being false.
We're just putting forward thebest version of ourselves, as we
(23:01):
wish we were.
But sooner or later, the realperson comes squeaking out, and
the trick is to believe it.
That's what I used to alwaystell my kids.
One day, when you're having anargument or in just a weird
random moment, this person isgoing to say or do something
that's going to strike you asway out of character for the
person that you think you know.
And that's the real personright there.
The trick is, it's that anomaly.
(23:24):
That's the real person, not thefacade that you've been dating
all along.
You don't get to see behindthat until you become not just
sexually intimate butemotionally intimate, which is
two completely different things,unfortunately.
But I could go on for hoursabout that too.
So, anyway, the bottom line sothe exception is, of course, you
(23:45):
should be able to get divorcedimmediately and you should get
the hell out of thereimmediately and don't forgive
him and don't give him secondchances, because that's the real
guy.
If a man will strike a womanout, get out of there, okay.
That's number one.
Number two if he's um beatingyour children, now, there's an
enormous difference betweenbeating and spanking okay.
(24:07):
A spanking on the butt througha diaper when they're a toddler
to get their attention, is not abeating.
Okay.
A clenched fist slugging them,that's a beating.
Okay.
Do we all get that?
Taking off a belt and whackingthe shit out of them
uncontrollably?
I've been the subject of this.
This is how I know this.
That's a beating.
Okay.
(24:27):
But those are the oh and that'sit.
Those are the exceptions.
Now, you might have been marriedto an asshole that verbally
occasionally denigrates you.
You shouldn't put up with thatshit.
You should give it to him rightback.
You should have a good argumentover it, but that's not grounds
for divorce.
You might have a husband or awife, but I'm speaking to women.
(24:49):
I'm going to stick with thisperspective.
He might be an asshole.
He might be arrogant, oh.
The other exception is serialcheating.
If he's made a mistake and youfound out about it and it's
genuinely a mistake, forgive him.
I don't know what you know.
Men cheat for two reasons.
One is they're just men andthey find themselves like I know
(25:13):
this is going to seem cliche,but they're on a business trip
and they just fuck up.
They get a little drunk in thehotel bar and there's a woman
there who's it's just, it's thewrong woman at the wrong place
at the wrong time and lubricatedby alcohol, he just fucks up
and he's so overcome by guilt hedoesn't even make an attempt to
(25:33):
cover it up and you discover it.
You know there's always a tellor he just acts so guilty.
This is not grounds for divorce.
You know, pistol, whip the shitout of him, deny him sex for a
while, but absolutely positively, don't get divorced over it.
However, if you're married to ahound dog who's a compulsive
cheater because he's completelyout of control, that's horrible
(25:54):
role modeling for your daughters, or your sons for that matter,
that's also grounds for divorce.
But outside of these extremebehaviors, which, thank God, are
a minority they're asignificant minority,
particularly the serial cheatertype, but it's still a
relatively tiny minority thereis no other grounds for divorce
(26:14):
Not getting along.
You're not attracted, you don'tfeel sexually attracted, you
have a brother-sisterrelationship.
I know all this bullshit.
I've said all these things inthe past.
They don't understand me.
I feel ignored.
I'm probably repeating myselfat this point.
We all know all the reasons whypeople you know he's such an
asshole, blah, blah, blah.
And then you start tellingyourself my kids are, and we're
fighting all the time.
That's the other one.
(26:35):
We're fighting all the time andthe kids will be better off if
they're not in a house wherethere's all this fighting going
on.
That's bullshit Fact.
Check me on this.
There are a gajillion andthat's not a real number.
I just don't know the realnumber, but there are a myriad
let's use that word of studieson this subject that are well
done and by people who know whatthey're talking about, and the
(26:58):
results are consistent Children,even from a messed up, lousy
marriage, come out better thanchildren from a quote-unquote
good single mother.
Now, look, as soon as I say thatI know that there are a lot of
you single mothers that are good.
The way you can pull off asingle parenting thing is if the
grandfather or an uncle iswilling to step up and fill the
role as the father.
(27:18):
That's the best way.
Or you have a spectacularlygood relationship with your ex
okay, which is another subjectfor another day.
That was what happened with usand I have a.
I have had and have a reallygood relationship with my ex,
and that took a special effort,but that's another talk for
another day.
If I want to talk to you aboutyour happiness, ladies, you want
(27:41):
to be happy in the long term.
All of these things that arebothering you is just part of
life, of the sexual you know.
Let's be honest, you know'shard.
You're not going to be ateenage horned dog forever.
That feeling that you'reseeking and I'm now going to
rake your children through thecoals Again.
I repeat, your children are thereceptacles of all of your
(28:01):
unresolved issues.
Your need to be reaffirmedthrough constant sexual
excitement is not the thing tobe downloading into your
children.
I like sex as much as the nextperson, but in a marriage it
becomes part of the marriage,not the entire marriage.
Okay, I mean a sexless marriageis a miserable thing and still
(28:23):
it's not grounds for divorce,but it's absolutely.
You got to drag your spouse into get some help about this.
I mean you know like you got todrag your spouse in to get some
help about this.
I mean you know like you got tobe having some sex.
But it's the point I'm tellingyou it's not going to be every
day, like like teenagers.
You know, if you're getting alittle nookie once a week,
you're in an average marriage.
That's kind of what it is, youknow, sometimes even once a
month.
But you know, if it gets intomore than that then you really
(28:45):
want to see what's the problem.
But you know, like I don't wantto get too much into therapy,
I'm just telling you, ladies,your need for attention within
the context of a marriage whereyour husband's ignoring you
calls for you to work on yourhusband and slap him across the
face metaphorically to make himpay attention.
But it does not mean you getdivorced or go off.
(29:07):
And this is why women haveaffairs is because they feel
they're being ignored by andlarge.
This is the reason why and theyfind someone who's not ignoring
them, but that's, that's pie inthe sky and you are destroying
the lives of your children.
The moment that you get marriedand say I do, and then you
become pregnant, that's it.
It's not about you anymore,it's about the children and it's
(29:28):
.
But in the long term it isabout you, because the only way
you're going to really be happyis to stay better the devil, you
know.
You know it's not a lotdifferent that when I was an
employer.
I'm not sure how relevant thisis, I'll just share it.
When I was an employer, myattitude before I would fire
somebody, I would give them alot of rope and a lot of
warnings, because it's alwaysbetter the devil, you know.
(29:50):
You know as messed up as anemployee might be, they might
have problems with reliabilityor work product or whatever it
might be.
Most of those things arefixable and you're better off
spending time fixing that withthe existing employee than
firing them, because thatcreates a whole new set of
unknown problems, because humanbeings are not robots and you're
(30:12):
going to inherit a set ofproblems and they're going to be
just different problems, notbetter problems.
And that's the problem withgetting from a woman's point of
view, with seeking, you know,divorcing because she's unhappy.
I'm deeply unhappy and the kidssee me unhappy and it's not
good for them to see me.
That's all bullshit, bullshit.
Okay, better than unhappinessis part of life.
Better they learned to copewith it.
(30:33):
Better they use you as acontrast to how to have a
happier marriage later.
But the overall overarching umrole modeling you're doing is
that you've hung in there eventhough you're unhappy.
That message is so much betterthan I quit because I was
unhappy and went off and chasedNookie elsewhere and then either
never got remarried again orgot into shitty second and third
and fourth marriages.
(30:53):
Because I forgot the part whereit doesn't work, particularly
for women in a second marriage,99% of the time.
Sorry, it's true.
That's the thought I'm leavingyou with.
Stay married, it's good for you, it's good for your children,
it's good for society.
It's just for you, it's goodfor your children, it's good for
society, it's just good.
That doesn't mean it doesn'thave its painful, horrible
(31:13):
moments.
That's not what good means.
The enemy of good is perfect.
It's not perfect.
It's as good as life is evergoing to give you, and the
moment you embrace that, you canbecome happy because you stop
having expectations that lifecan be a television show, 1990s
sitcom, where everything turnsout at the end.
Okay, my friends, that's it.
(31:34):
That's the end of my Father'sDay rant.
Have a happy Father's Dayyourself.
Don't forget to pick up a copyof Radical Reset, the Manifesto
of Antipolitism, available toyou at Amazon on Kindle,
paperback or hardcover.
You take your pick, it's whatcomes next.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm Herbie, and have abeautiful rest of your day.
God bless you and God blessAmerica.
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