Messy, Beautiful and Chaotic

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, everybody, and welcome, Welcome back to the show, where
we are going to talk a lot about different family things,
good family things, bad family things, issues, not issues, places
to go, activities, you name it, We're going to talk
about it, and each is going to be a different
little sub series. And lately, as you know, we've been
talking how to really have been learning how to talk teenager,

(00:25):
and we're well into this. I'm still kind of clueless.
I don't know lots you I try this stuff on
my kids and they just they just look at me.
You know, the eye roll. The passive aggression is right
back there. That's just the way it goes. But honestly,
I'm teaching myself some things here and some of these
things are actually working. So we talked about passive aggression

(00:47):
last time, so we're going to lead from there right
into navigating emotional outbursts and meltdown. So who has teenagers
that has ever had an outburst or a meltdown? You know,
everybody has their hand up, even if your hands down
by your side, you know, I can still tell everybody's
hand is up on this one. If you got teenagers,

(01:08):
they've had their moments. And that's just part of being
a teenager. I look back when I was a teenager,
I had meltdowns, I had outbursts, And when I look back,
I mean, some of it was really ridiculous on my part,
but some of it, to be honest with you, were
important things that need to happen as I was looking
for my own identity, a little bit of freedom, a

(01:32):
little more responsibility. So sometimes these and this is just
me rambling about me, these things happen for a reason
because sometimes as a parent we're holding on a little
too tight. Remember when they were your kids were younger,
about the helicoptering, you know the helicoptering parents, Well, that

(01:53):
goes with teenagers too. This is I'm not being doctor
or anything right now. I'm just talking off the cuff.
So when a lot of this happens, I have found
it from when I was a kid or a teenager.
And now that I see my three are all teenagers, eighteen, seventeen,

(02:14):
and thirteen, yeah, half my hands full. When they get
to these points where it's a constant just it's like
constant rebellion, that's when we've had to sit down and
kind of reassess how we're treating them and how much
we micro manage them, and what do we need to
let go and let them if they you know, if

(02:35):
they make it. If they make a mistake, that's fine,
learn from your mistake. As long as this. Obviously, we
don't want to get them in harm's way. But kids
need some freedom, I mean, and obviously a thirteen year
old doesn't need the same freedoms as a seventeen year old,
or the seventeen year old who's still in high school
does not necessarily need the same freedoms that the eighteen

(02:57):
year old has and he's in college. Though sometimes seventeen
year old seems much more mature. I wonder why anyway,
So that's kind of where I'm getting with this. Don't
if your kids have an outburst and meltdowns, it's not
all bad. It's part of growing up. So let's face it,
teenagers and teenage emotional outbursts are common as avocado toast

(03:22):
on Instagram. You know what I'm saying, because I like
avocado toast. One minute, you're discussing the merits of different
streaming services, and you know the next year you're dodging
flying pillows or god knows what's flying at you, right
because suddenly there's just this major outburst from your fifteen

(03:45):
year old and you really don't even know why. So
when you have to navigate these emotions and these storms,
it's really what they are. Sometimes it's the perfect storm.
It can feel like captaining in a ship during a hurricane, right,
the perfect storm. But with the right tools and techniques,

(04:09):
you can learn to weather you know, some of these
storms and grow from all of them. How about that
the keys the key lies not in reacting to the outbursts,
and this is hard to do, I know that, but
in responding. Reacting often involved mirroring the emotion, matching anger

(04:30):
with anger, frustration with frustration. This escalates the situation. I'm saying,
that's what not to do. So transforming a mirror a
minor squall into a full blown Category five emotional hurricane
is not good, and that's what's going to happen if
you match force with force, so to speak. So responding,

(04:53):
on the other hand, requires a conscious effort to remain calm, empathetic,
and focus on de escalation. Now I'm a master at this.
My wife don't tell her this, and sometimes she's an escalator,
and I don't mean the kind that you stand on
in the airport and you know, up and down steps,

(05:13):
and she doesn't do it on purpose. It's just, you know,
sometimes when the kids have these these tirades, they become disrespectful.
And that's always been our rule. You can talk to
us about anything, but you may not disrespect your mom
or your dad, or your grandparents, or your uncles or
your teachers. I mean, there's a line there. So it's

(05:34):
hard not to really enforce that hard when a tirade
turns into disrespect. So that's something that we have to
deal with. So think of yourself as a seasoned firefighter,
not a fellow caught in the blaze. But your goal
isn't to extinguish the fire with gasoline, but to carefully

(05:57):
control the flames until they naturally die die down. And
this requires a lot of strategy. It's not as easy
as it sounds. First, ensure your teen's a physical safety
and your own all right. You don't want you you know,
my eighteen year old's such huge. I don't think you
can take me yet, but that day is probably coming.

(06:19):
If the situation not that we're gonna fight, I mean,
I don't want to have anybody knocking on my door.
So if the situation is escalating to the point of
violence or self harm, remove yourself and your teen from
the immediate vicinity. Call a trusted friend, family member, or
a professional if needed. Your safety is paramount, and so

(06:39):
is their safety. So this is just my disclaimer. So
active listening is your next weapon. This doesn't mean passively
nodding while your teen unleashes a torrent of emotion. Sometimes
you can't even understand what they're saying. It means truly
hearing them, understanding their perspective, and showing them that you're engaged.

(07:02):
That's half the battle right there. Use verbal and nonverbal
cues to demonstrate active listening. Maintain eye contact unless it
feels threatening, Adjust your approach accordingly, not occasionally. You know
how to be engaged. Use verbal affirmation like I hear you,
I get that, I understand that that sounds so frustrating.

(07:25):
I mean, I believe understand how you're feeling. However, active
listening isn't about agreeing with everything your teenager says. You
can validate their feelings without validating their behavior. For example,
you could say, I understand your feeling incredibly angry about
not being able to go to the party. That's not

(07:48):
completely valid. However, yelling at me isn't going to change
the situation. This acknowledges that their emotional emotion while setting
a clear boundary about acception. So you understand that they're
emotionally hurt because they can't go to the party for
whatever reason. That maybe you're just being a controlling jerk

(08:10):
as a parent you don't want them to go, or
there could be a real reason. There's going to be
alcohol at the party. You've heard of all these things
that golong at this particular house when they have a party. Whatever,
I'm sure there's a good reason why they can't go.
Maybe they have homework that needs to be done or
a project. But this acknowledges their emotion. I mean, while
you are still setting boundaries about acceptable behavior. Respect setting

(08:36):
boundaries is crucial. Teenagers, especially during emotional outbursts, might push
boundaries to test limits. Like I said in my preamble ramble,
consistent and clear boundaries established long before the outburst occurs
provide a framework for navigation and navigating these challenges. These

(08:57):
boundaries should be age appropriate, clearly communicated, and consistently enforced.
Let's say your teenager is throwing an absolute just tantrum.
I mean, your teenagers acting like a three year old
because they're grounded from their phone. Reacting might involve taking
away more privileges, escalating the conflict. Responding might involve calmly

(09:22):
reiterating the consequences of their actions while offering a path
toward regaining lost privileges. For example, I understand your upset,
but the consequences of breaking curfew is of phone grounding.
That makes sense to me. If you want your phone back,
you need to demonstrate responsibility. That's the big word, the

(09:46):
R word, by completing your chores and sticking to your
curfew the next for the next week. Another important aspect
is understanding the root cause. Meltdowns aren't always about what
they say seem to be about. So beneath the surface
lies a complex web of hormones, A lot of hormones

(10:06):
going on. Peer pressure. I got a lot of that.
We don't see Academic stress. I mean the amount of
homework they come home with sometimes is I mean, jeez,
it's insane. I mean, why can't they be efficient at school?
We'll get most of that done at school. I'm pretty
efficient at work. I don't have to bring home three
hours of work, you know, after an eight or nine

(10:27):
hour day, or personal insecurities. Try to just get beneath
the surface and to understand what might be triggering these outbursts.
Is it a specific event, a pattern of behavior, or
an underlying emotional issue. Consider journaling. I say that a lot.
I don't never do it. I'll be honest with you,

(10:49):
But if you're one of those people that can make
yourself do that, it's huge. I wish I did it.
I wish my wife could do it all day long.
Or open ended questions to encourage communication. Instead of directly
asking what's wrong, try asking how you feel on the day,

(11:09):
what was the most challenging part of your day? Open
Ended questions invite more in depth answers, providing insight into
the underlying causes of their emotional distress. And as a dad,
sometimes I'm bad about that because I'm like, hey, how
was your dad? And You're always going to get the
same answer. Fine, fine, fine, and then we both go

(11:30):
on our own ways. Right that I've been working on that,
I'll let you know the progress as it comes. Remember,
patience is a virtue, especially when dealing with teenagers. It
takes time to establish trust and open communication, and setbacks
are inevitable. There will be days when your best efforts

(11:51):
seem to just fall flat. I mean, I mean, jeez,
the air, days when I fall flat over and over
and over. But it's about getting back up. So when
the emotional outbursts continue despite your attempts to navigate them, calmly,
don't be discouraged. Consistency and persistence are key. One strategy

(12:12):
that often works wonders is the cooling off period. I'm
big about this. When emotions are running high, suggest a
break that gives both of you time to calm down
and regroup before reassuming the conversation. Sometimes it's an overnight thing.
Sometimes if it's in the evening, I'm like, you know what,
I want you to go think about this and we're
going to talk about it again tomorrow, and we've got

(12:34):
to follow through with that. Though the length of the
cooling off period will vary depending on the intensity of
the outburst and your teenager need that your teenager needs,
it could be as short as the fifteen minutes or
as long as a few hours or overnight. During this break,
engage in calming activities such as taking a walk, listening
to music, or reading. This helps regulate your own emotions

(12:59):
and ensure that you're approaching Just go back and listen
to this podcast right, It'd be reinforcement for you, So
when you resume the conversation, reiterate your understanding of their
feelings and focus on finding a solution. Another valuable tool
is teaching your teenager emotional regulation techniques. Are they going

(13:21):
to do this but not in the beginning? I guarantee
you unless you got one of those special kids that
just jump into everything you say. This can include deep
breathing exercises you're going to get an eye roll with
that one, mindfulness techniques, and even physical activity like a
quick job. Equipping them with these coping mechanisms empowers them
to manage their emotions independently without you breathing down their

(13:44):
neck and reducing the frequency of intensity of future meltdowns.
This might involve creating a visual chart or guide with
specific steps that can follow the journey toward smoother Communication
with your teenage isn't about eliminating emotional outbursts entirely. It's

(14:04):
about creating a safe space where they can express their
emotions without fear or judging, and where they can abide
by coping strategies and respecting boundaries. And it's also about
moving from a reactive emotional response on your part to

(14:25):
a calm, empathetic, and understanding response. This shift and approach
transforms your role from a combatant to an emotional battle
to a supportive guide. Okay, so you don't want to
be a combatant and an emotional battle. You want to
be a supportive guide, and you want to navigate them

(14:47):
through the craziness of emotions that they're feeling, you know,
right then, and their adolescence, which is just a tough time.
I mean, it really is. That's all I got for
this particular episode. I hope that you got something out
of it. Don't yell back at your teenager just because

(15:09):
of yell at you. That's I mean, if you take
nothing else back, take that. So there's other ways to
deal with it. We went over a lot of them.
Next time, we're going to talk about the importance of
active listening and parenting communication. So that's going to go
hand in hand what we just talked about. Because we're

(15:29):
all guilty sometimes of not listening. We just we listen,
but we're really not listening. We're just thinking about the
next thing we're going to say when we get an
opportunity to say it. That's not listening and we're going
to work on that next time. So y'all have a
great day, enjoyed it. I'll see you next time. God
bless