May 22, 2025 ā¢ 26 mins
"You've read the books. You've listened to the podcasts. You've shared your story a thousand times. So why do you still feel stuck?"
If betrayal from your divorce has left you questioning everythingāyour judgment, your worth, your ability to ever trust againāthis episode will shake you out of the comfortable misery you've been living in.
Here's the hard truth: You're not healing. You're just sitting on the dock of your life, reading about how to swim while your new life waits across the lake.
In this no-nonsense episode, Julie exposes the difference between passive action (that feels productive but keeps you stuck) and massive action (that feels scary but creates real transformation). She reveals why consuming self-help content without taking bold steps is actually sabotaging your healingāand why betrayal recovery requires getting uncomfortable.
The brutal reality? Someone took massive action to blow up your marriage. Now it's your turn to take massive action to build something better.
Discover:
--why healing from betrayal isn't about reading another book or waiting for time to pass
--how to stop being "comfortably miserable"
--why the support you've been invalidating might be exactly what gets you to the other side.
Your new life is waiting. The question is: how much longer will you make it wait?
Ready to stop wasting time and start swimming? Listen now.
Hi, I'm Julie!
I'm a divorced empty nester and the creator of the Life 2.0 Coaching Program.
As a certified Life Coach and National Board Certified Heath and Wellness Coach, I help other divorced empty nesters create the new life of their dreams; and I can help you do this, too.
āļø To schedule a call to chat with Julie about private coaching, click here.
š„ To join the free, private community of divorced empty nesters just like you, find us on Facebook here.
š¤ Listen to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcast.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
So I'm curious if you have ever experienced a
betrayal.
If you have been through adivorce, which I'm assuming you
have because you're here, right?
Then you have experienced somekind of betrayal, or at least
that is my way of thinking aboutit.
So what I mean by that is youfelt that violation of trust,
(00:24):
right?
and the deeply painful aftermathof feeling betrayed in some way.
And you may have been betrayedby a spouse who had an affair.
You may just see the betrayal ofthe marriage vows as betrayal in
and of itself because it is, ormaybe you feel like you've done
(00:47):
the betraying, or you feel likeyou have somehow betrayed
yourself.
Like maybe you stayed in therelationship too long, or maybe
you feel like you betrayed yourfamily.
By leaving the relationship,there's all different kinds of
betrayal.
But if you have experiencedbetrayal and this kind of
violation of trust firsthand,then you have undoubtedly been
(01:10):
cut very, very deep.
That deep, deep wound islingering.
It will not heal.
heal all the way.
Maybe it feels like it starts toheal up a little bit and then it
gets ripped wide open again.
And you have to start thathealing process all over.
Or maybe it continues to justooze and fester and like, oh,
(01:36):
instead of getting better, itjust gets worse because betrayal
hurts.
It hurts deeply.
It is like that deep cut andthat takes so much time to heal,
so much care to healeffectively.
And betrayal can make youquestion everything about
(01:57):
yourself.
How could you let this happen?
About your marriage?
Was it ever even real anyway?
Or was it just one big lie?
Your ability to heal?
How do I put my shattered heartback together?
Your ability to trust otherpeople?
I will never, Trust another man.
I felt that and I've heard thatso many times.
(02:18):
Your ability to trust yourself.
How could I have missed allthese red flags for so many
years?
Sometimes it feels like we willnever be okay after a betrayal.
And that makes sense, right?
It's part of the forcedtransformation of divorce.
(02:39):
We didn't want it.
And now we have it.
And a person who has beenbetrayed no longer carries this
innocence of a person who hasnot been betrayed.
A person who has experiencedbetrayal no longer trusts easily
(03:01):
and certainly not blindly,whether it's another person or
ourselves.
And if you have been betrayed,you may feel like you'll never
trust anybody again.
Especially not another man.
Because I mean, look, you can'teven trust yourself.
I was reading an article inPsychology Today and it said
(03:22):
that betrayal creates a sense ofnot being valued.
And that that is one of thereasons why it hurts so, so
badly.
And it is a real destroyer.
of self-esteem and confidence,and for good reason.
(03:43):
And that loss of the ability totrust both ourselves and others,
it can be really, reallydifficult to overcome.
And it even honestly begs thequestion, is it even possible to
heal from a betrayal likedivorce?
(04:06):
My answer to that question is,It depends.
You can heal.
I know that you can.
I also know that many peoplenever do.
So let's talk about why that is.
Do you guys know that song,Sitting on the Dock of the Bay?
It's that Otis Redding song.
(04:27):
And I wish I could sing theselyrics for you, but I'm not
going to put you through that.
Instead, I'm just going to readthe chorus.
I'm sitting on the dock of thebay, watching the tide roll
away.
I'm sitting on the dock of thebay, wasting time.
I love that song.
It's going to be going throughmy head the rest of the day.
That is a great song forrelaxing too, for a long
(04:52):
weekend, like the one we've gotcoming up.
I see somebody in the chair witha beer, maybe a fishing pole,
right?
And they're just loving wastingtime and looking at the water.
But let's imagine...
that you are not on a vacation.
Behind you on dry land is theworst life you can imagine.
(05:16):
You do not feel valued in thatlife.
You feel completely rejected allof the time.
Things are not going well withyour children.
You're lonely and you just feellike you'll sit on that dock
forever before you'll ever goback on dry land to that
specific life.
(05:37):
But you're sitting on the dockof the bay and across the bay is
an island and on that island oron that dry land that you can
see is your new life.
And you sit there on the dockand you realize, huh, all I have
to do to get that new life I seeover there, the one that I
(06:00):
actually want is to get in thewater and swim.
But you don't know how to swim.
And you are afraid that youwon't make it across the bay.
And plus, don't sharks live inthat water too?
And jellyfish and all thesescary things in that water.
And so now you have this scarylife behind you, the life you
(06:23):
don't want.
And you can see the life you dowant, but in the middle is more
fear.
You've got two choices here.
You can sit on that dock andwaste time.
All you want.
When I say choice, you can doit.
You're an adult.
Maybe you sit on that dock andyou start reading.
You read books about how toswim.
(06:45):
You're learning how other peopleswam to cross the bay.
You are reading about how tofight off sharks.
You are reading about whenjellyfish are most likely to be
in the water.
And you keep thinking, if I readenough and I consume enough
information, then eventuallyI'll know how to do it too.
I'll know how to swim too.
(07:07):
And all this time behind you isthe cloud of that horrible life
just lingering right there wherethe dock meets the land.
And that's scary too.
And you're not going back.
So you're stuck.
You're stuck on the end of thedock, literally wasting time.
And you're not sure what to doabout it.
(07:28):
That's one choice.
The other choice is get in thewater and figure out how to
swim.
Healing after divorce is exactlythe same way.
And sadly, many women feel likethey're taking all of the right
steps towards healing.
And yet they also feel likethey're going nowhere fast.
(07:49):
They say, I'm stuck.
I don't know what to do next.
And they are literally, butcompletely accidentally wasting
time.
Healing after betrayal requiresmore than posting on Facebook,
scrolling on Facebook, noddingalong and listening to podcasts.
Even this one, attending freeclasses, going to webinars,
(08:11):
reading self-help books.
It just requires more than that.
It requires action.
Bold, fierce, massive action.
It requires getting in the lakeand learning to swim no matter
what.
All right, so let me slow downand just kind of back my way out
of this a little bit and tellyou exactly what I mean.
(08:34):
So there are two types ofaction.
One type of action is passiveand one type is called massive
action, or we can just call itfierce action.
Passive action means that youare sitting on the dock.
You're stuck and you'rewondering why.
It means that you're doingthings that feel right, like
reading or But have you everdone this?
(08:57):
I'm so guilty.
Have you ever read a self-helpbook and at the end of the
chapter, there's an exercise andthe author is like, do not keep
reading until you complete theexercises.
And you're like, oh, I'll do itlater.
And you flip to the nextchapter.
That's passive action.
Whereas if you stop and youreally work through the
(09:19):
exercises, that's fierce actionor massive action.
Social media, passive action.
We're scrolling, we're reading,maybe we're commenting, liking,
but we're not really learningand then doing what we're
learning, right?
(09:39):
We're just feeling like we'regetting somewhere.
Another example is listening topodcasts and then maybe like I
pose a question at the end.
Maybe like, oh, that's a goodquestion, but you don't sit down
and spend time with it.
And really answer the questionand figure out how it applies to
you.
That's passive action.
(09:59):
It's really, really tricky, thatpassive action, because it makes
us feel like we're doingsomething.
It makes us feel like we'remaking progress.
And when you're sitting on thedock of the bay reading about
how to swim, because you need toknow how to swim, then you feel
(10:20):
like you're doing something.
it feels like you're in controlof the situation.
It feels like you're takingcontrol, taking charge because
your brain is convinced that youare changing your behavior
through learning, throughpassive action.
And then it rewards us, boom,dopamine hit.
(10:40):
And you keep reading becauseyour brain's like, yeah, we got
this.
But passive action keeps you onthe end of the dock.
It keeps you in your comfortzone where you don't have to
face the life behind you or theone across the lake.
It's easy to listen to a podcastwhen you're driving to work.
It's easy to order a book fromAmazon and read it before bed.
(11:03):
It's easy to tell everybody howpainful your divorce was.
It's easy to scroll and post onFacebook.
And when it's easy, it'spassive.
There's no risk.
There's no risk of failure.
There's no risk ofembarrassment.
There's no risk of discomfort.
There's no risk ofvulnerability.
There's no risk of shark attack,jellyfish sting or drowning.
(11:29):
When it's easy, you know you'retaking passive action.
You're not healing.
You're sitting on the dock,wasting your precious time, your
precious life, when you could belearning how to swim so you can
get yourself across that bay.
Does this mean that I think youshould stop listening to
podcasts and stop reading booksand stop learning and stop
(11:52):
sharing your story?
Heck no.
You should do all of thosethings.
They're all important tools thatcan assist you with taking the
action you need to take in orderto heal.
But I do want you to stop beingsurprised that just listening
and reading is not and consuminginformation is not getting you
(12:16):
where you want to be.
I do want you to stop thinkingthat staying in your comfort
zone will transform your lifeinto the one you want.
because it will not.
A life that is better because ofyour divorce requires
transformation.
And that means it requires athorough and dramatic change to
(12:39):
your very character.
I mean, think about it.
You're not the same person thatyou were before this whole
divorce thing started.
You're entirely different.
You are transformed.
Transforming so that your lifeis better because of divorce
takes the same kind of massiveaction and you will never get
(13:02):
that dramatic change by stayingin your comfort zone.
What does create transformation?
What does create a life that isbetter because of divorce?
What does get you to the otherside of the bay?
Massive action.
Tony Robbins says it this way.
He says, by changing nothing,nothing changes.
(13:24):
Massive action is the cure all.
One of my clients says it evenmore simply.
She says, I'm just doing itscared.
Doing it scared.
So if you feel like you've beentrying all the things to heal
and move forward or just feelbetter, just feel a little bit
(13:45):
better.
And yet every time you feel likeyou take one step forward, you
get better.
Push 10 steps back, then it'svery likely you have fallen
victim to the ruse of passiveaction.
The way forward is massiveaction, doing it scared, getting
off the dock, getting into thewater, and swimming.
(14:08):
Okay, here's the thing aboutmassive action.
It's not easy.
It's messy.
It's uncomfortable at times.
So I'm going to walk you throughthis lens.
Divorce was uncomfortable,right?
It was messy.
It required massive action toget out of that marriage.
(14:31):
Or if you're in the process,it's requiring messy action and
you don't know maybe what's nextfor your future.
But guess what?
Despite that discomfort and thenot knowing you are still here
and that divorce process movedforward or is still moving
forward.
(14:52):
Uncomfortable.
and all the ways still moving.
So you recognize that you can doit and that there must be
something better, but are youwilling to go back into that
place of messy action and theunknowns and take that action
(15:15):
required to go get it, to makethe bold, fierce moves, to have
the uncomfortable conversations,to find and face and feel your
emotions, to journal throughyour pain every single day, to
hire the coach.
Let's talk about that last one.
What if you're in the water byyourself and you're trying to
learn how to swim and you'reexhausted and you're like waving
(15:38):
your arms and you sink and youcome up and then you go back to
the shallow end and you stand upand you catch your breath and
you're like, okay, I'm gonna tryagain.
And somebody walks up on theshore with a life jacket.
And they say, hey, are you okay?
It looks like you could use ahand figuring out how to swim or
(15:58):
get out of the water.
What are you, the person whodoes not want to go back to the
land for any reason and can seethe new life across the bay,
going to say to the person whois offering you a life vest?
No, thanks.
I'm just going to keep doing iton my own.
I'm just going to keepexhausting myself until I figure
(16:20):
out how to swim because I knowif enough time passes, I'm going
to figure it out.
Is that your answer?
Are you going to be like, oh, myGod?
Yes.
I'm so glad you're here.
Give me the life jacket.
I never thought about a lifejacket.
That'll hold me up.
Now, all I have to do is kick.
I don't have to know how toswim.
I just have to kick my way tothe other side.
(16:43):
And then that person says, hey,would you like for me to swim
across the bay with you?
I can show you some strategiesto get to the other side and,
you know, we'll avoid thejellyfish and the sharks
together.
And you say, I never thought ofthat either.
I thought I had to do this allby myself.
(17:04):
You mean you've done thisbefore?
Yeah, I know where the sharksand the jellyfish are.
And you say, wow, I'm so gladyou showed up.
When can we start swimming?
You just changed my life byshowing me this different
approach.
I don't know how to thank youenough.
And the person puts the lifejacket on you and says, let's
(17:27):
start down.
There's no time like thepresent.
And the two of you kick your wayacross the bay.
Nobody drowns.
Nobody gets bit by a shark.
Nobody gets stung by ajellyfish.
And even though the distance isintimidating, you make it to the
other side.
(17:47):
That's what a good coach does.
They swim the bay with you.
If you're on the fence, you needto hire the coach.
Coaches are trained to helppeople transform.
I am trained extensively to helppeople create the
transformations in their livesthat they desire the most.
(18:10):
But for so many people, thechoice to accept that life
jacket and the partner on thejourney is just shoved aside
because it sounds different.
It sounds just as scary asswimming across the water.
And they may think I have to doit by myself or I'm weak.
Only people who are weak gethelp.
(18:32):
And meanwhile, those who haveaccepted the life jacket have
buzzed unscathed across thelake.
They got rid of the obstacle ofnot knowing how to swim.
They just took care of it.
Now they're on the other side,discovering exactly who they are
and who they want to become.
(18:54):
imagining and then creating thefutures that they desire the
lives they desire they're makingtheir imagination and their
future their reality they'rebuilding stronger and stronger
relationships with their adultchildren They're healing.
They're trusting themselvesagain.
They're learning to trust otherpeople.
Maybe they're even thinkingabout dating.
(19:14):
They're more confident.
They have more energy.
They are doing things to protectand take care of their bodies.
Maybe they're losing weight.
There's peace.
There's joy.
It's returned to their life.
They're excited to wake up andthey are not defined by their
divorce and what happened duringdivorce.
(19:37):
Those people are real.
They are my clients.
Our brains are so sneaky.
They will tell us all day long,read that book, listen to that
podcast.
And it knows full well that it'skeeping you in your comfort zone
and a place of ease.
And then it's like, here's somedopamine.
Good job.
(19:57):
And you're like, well, why am Istill stuck?
And it says, read some more andI'll give you more.
I'll give you more reward.
More reward.
And you're like, yeah, but I'mstill stuck.
We haven't gone anywhere.
The crazy part is that samebrain that will tell you not to
(20:18):
do the things that feel a littlebit uncomfortable in the moment
will help you figure out how todo the uncomfortable things when
you overrule your brain and say,no, we're going to do it anyway.
And I understand that you thinkI don't know how.
but we'll figure it outtogether.
And that same exact brain willstand up with you and say, okay,
(20:41):
whatever you want to do.
And it will start working tofind solutions for the life that
you want to live.
Passive action, sitting on thedock, reading about how to swim.
Massive action, getting in thewater, accepting help, clearing
out that obstacle and get acrossthe bay.
(21:02):
Passive action.
Waiting for time to pass so youwill miraculously heal.
Massive action.
Getting the tools and thesupport you need so that healing
starts right now, wherever youare in your journey.
Passive action.
Listening to this podcast.
I'm so glad that you are heretoday listening.
That makes me very happy.
(21:23):
Massive action.
When it ends, scheduling aprivate call with me to see
what's possible for you.
Passive action.
Listening to other people getcoached after this content
today.
Massive action.
Getting coached after thecontent.
Passive action.
Reading about, admiring, andcheering on other people and
(21:44):
their results.
Massive action.
Saying, I'm all in too.
Even though it's scary, I don'tknow how I'm going to pay for
it.
I don't know how it works.
I can't swim.
But those other people figuredit out and I'm going for it
because I'm worth it too.
You guys, the coolest thing ofall, and I'm being very sincere
(22:05):
in this, is that it's a choice.
All of this that I'm talkingabout is a choice for you.
You are free to choose the paththat you want.
If you want to sit on the end ofthe dock and stay in your
comfort zone for the rest ofyour life, with one life bearing
(22:27):
down on you that you don't wantand the other one just across
the bay, then no worries.
You get to do that.
That's a choice that you canmake as long as you feel good
about your choice.
There's nothing wrong with it.
You are also free to choosemassive action.
(22:48):
And not everybody wants to dothat.
But when you do, Yourunbelievable, amazing,
unimaginable results for you andfor the people you love are
right there, right across thewater.
So my question for you is, whichway will you go?
(23:12):
Which way will you choose to gotoday?
Will you stay in the comfort ofdiscomfort or will you go for
discomfort that leads to anamazing new life?
It's up to you.
Will you say yes to the lifejacket and the partner who will
swim the journey with you?
(23:34):
Or will you say, I think I'mgood right here, but thank you
so much for being a decent humanwho asks me if I need help.
I appreciate you.
If you are that fierce woman whowants that amazing new life, or
if you're the woman who wants tofeel like you're a fierce woman,
(23:55):
but you might need a littleboost, to get moving in that
direction, then you and I needto talk right away.
My private coaching practice isaccepting new clients right now.
And I want to find out if you'rea good fit for one of those
spots.
I want to find out if you want apartner to swim the bay with you
(24:17):
and start taking massive actionto create the life that you can
see and but that you're reallyhesitant to go and get because
there's sharks in that water andyou can't swim and jellyfish
stings are really painful.
If you want to talk privately,all you have to do is email me,
(24:40):
julie at juliesteadcoaching.comand we'll connect.
That's it.
That's not so scary, is it?
And until then, guys, I want youto stay fierce and take care.
So I'm curious if you have ever experienced a
betrayal.
If you have been through adivorce, which I'm assuming you
have because you're here, right?
Then you have experienced somekind of betrayal, or at least
that is my way of thinking aboutit.
So what I mean by that is youfelt that violation of trust,
(00:24):
right?
and the deeply painful aftermathof feeling betrayed in some way.
And you may have been betrayedby a spouse who had an affair.
You may just see the betrayal ofthe marriage vows as betrayal in
and of itself because it is, ormaybe you feel like you've done
(00:47):
the betraying, or you feel likeyou have somehow betrayed
yourself.
Like maybe you stayed in therelationship too long, or maybe
you feel like you betrayed yourfamily.
By leaving the relationship,there's all different kinds of
betrayal.
But if you have experiencedbetrayal and this kind of
violation of trust firsthand,then you have undoubtedly been
(01:10):
cut very, very deep.
That deep, deep wound islingering.
It will not heal.
heal all the way.
Maybe it feels like it starts toheal up a little bit and then it
gets ripped wide open again.
And you have to start thathealing process all over.
Or maybe it continues to justooze and fester and like, oh,
(01:36):
instead of getting better, itjust gets worse because betrayal
hurts.
It hurts deeply.
It is like that deep cut andthat takes so much time to heal,
so much care to healeffectively.
And betrayal can make youquestion everything about
(01:57):
yourself.
How could you let this happen?
About your marriage?
Was it ever even real anyway?
Or was it just one big lie?
Your ability to heal?
How do I put my shattered heartback together?
Your ability to trust otherpeople?
I will never, Trust another man.
I felt that and I've heard thatso many times.
(02:18):
Your ability to trust yourself.
How could I have missed allthese red flags for so many
years?
Sometimes it feels like we willnever be okay after a betrayal.
And that makes sense, right?
It's part of the forcedtransformation of divorce.
(02:39):
We didn't want it.
And now we have it.
And a person who has beenbetrayed no longer carries this
innocence of a person who hasnot been betrayed.
A person who has experiencedbetrayal no longer trusts easily
(03:01):
and certainly not blindly,whether it's another person or
ourselves.
And if you have been betrayed,you may feel like you'll never
trust anybody again.
Especially not another man.
Because I mean, look, you can'teven trust yourself.
I was reading an article inPsychology Today and it said
(03:22):
that betrayal creates a sense ofnot being valued.
And that that is one of thereasons why it hurts so, so
badly.
And it is a real destroyer.
of self-esteem and confidence,and for good reason.
(03:43):
And that loss of the ability totrust both ourselves and others,
it can be really, reallydifficult to overcome.
And it even honestly begs thequestion, is it even possible to
heal from a betrayal likedivorce?
(04:06):
My answer to that question is,It depends.
You can heal.
I know that you can.
I also know that many peoplenever do.
So let's talk about why that is.
Do you guys know that song,Sitting on the Dock of the Bay?
It's that Otis Redding song.
(04:27):
And I wish I could sing theselyrics for you, but I'm not
going to put you through that.
Instead, I'm just going to readthe chorus.
I'm sitting on the dock of thebay, watching the tide roll
away.
I'm sitting on the dock of thebay, wasting time.
I love that song.
It's going to be going throughmy head the rest of the day.
That is a great song forrelaxing too, for a long
(04:52):
weekend, like the one we've gotcoming up.
I see somebody in the chair witha beer, maybe a fishing pole,
right?
And they're just loving wastingtime and looking at the water.
But let's imagine...
that you are not on a vacation.
Behind you on dry land is theworst life you can imagine.
(05:16):
You do not feel valued in thatlife.
You feel completely rejected allof the time.
Things are not going well withyour children.
You're lonely and you just feellike you'll sit on that dock
forever before you'll ever goback on dry land to that
specific life.
(05:37):
But you're sitting on the dockof the bay and across the bay is
an island and on that island oron that dry land that you can
see is your new life.
And you sit there on the dockand you realize, huh, all I have
to do to get that new life I seeover there, the one that I
(06:00):
actually want is to get in thewater and swim.
But you don't know how to swim.
And you are afraid that youwon't make it across the bay.
And plus, don't sharks live inthat water too?
And jellyfish and all thesescary things in that water.
And so now you have this scarylife behind you, the life you
(06:23):
don't want.
And you can see the life you dowant, but in the middle is more
fear.
You've got two choices here.
You can sit on that dock andwaste time.
All you want.
When I say choice, you can doit.
You're an adult.
Maybe you sit on that dock andyou start reading.
You read books about how toswim.
(06:45):
You're learning how other peopleswam to cross the bay.
You are reading about how tofight off sharks.
You are reading about whenjellyfish are most likely to be
in the water.
And you keep thinking, if I readenough and I consume enough
information, then eventuallyI'll know how to do it too.
I'll know how to swim too.
(07:07):
And all this time behind you isthe cloud of that horrible life
just lingering right there wherethe dock meets the land.
And that's scary too.
And you're not going back.
So you're stuck.
You're stuck on the end of thedock, literally wasting time.
And you're not sure what to doabout it.
(07:28):
That's one choice.
The other choice is get in thewater and figure out how to
swim.
Healing after divorce is exactlythe same way.
And sadly, many women feel likethey're taking all of the right
steps towards healing.
And yet they also feel likethey're going nowhere fast.
(07:49):
They say, I'm stuck.
I don't know what to do next.
And they are literally, butcompletely accidentally wasting
time.
Healing after betrayal requiresmore than posting on Facebook,
scrolling on Facebook, noddingalong and listening to podcasts.
Even this one, attending freeclasses, going to webinars,
(08:11):
reading self-help books.
It just requires more than that.
It requires action.
Bold, fierce, massive action.
It requires getting in the lakeand learning to swim no matter
what.
All right, so let me slow downand just kind of back my way out
of this a little bit and tellyou exactly what I mean.
(08:34):
So there are two types ofaction.
One type of action is passiveand one type is called massive
action, or we can just call itfierce action.
Passive action means that youare sitting on the dock.
You're stuck and you'rewondering why.
It means that you're doingthings that feel right, like
reading or But have you everdone this?
(08:57):
I'm so guilty.
Have you ever read a self-helpbook and at the end of the
chapter, there's an exercise andthe author is like, do not keep
reading until you complete theexercises.
And you're like, oh, I'll do itlater.
And you flip to the nextchapter.
That's passive action.
Whereas if you stop and youreally work through the
(09:19):
exercises, that's fierce actionor massive action.
Social media, passive action.
We're scrolling, we're reading,maybe we're commenting, liking,
but we're not really learningand then doing what we're
learning, right?
(09:39):
We're just feeling like we'regetting somewhere.
Another example is listening topodcasts and then maybe like I
pose a question at the end.
Maybe like, oh, that's a goodquestion, but you don't sit down
and spend time with it.
And really answer the questionand figure out how it applies to
you.
That's passive action.
(09:59):
It's really, really tricky, thatpassive action, because it makes
us feel like we're doingsomething.
It makes us feel like we'remaking progress.
And when you're sitting on thedock of the bay reading about
how to swim, because you need toknow how to swim, then you feel
(10:20):
like you're doing something.
it feels like you're in controlof the situation.
It feels like you're takingcontrol, taking charge because
your brain is convinced that youare changing your behavior
through learning, throughpassive action.
And then it rewards us, boom,dopamine hit.
(10:40):
And you keep reading becauseyour brain's like, yeah, we got
this.
But passive action keeps you onthe end of the dock.
It keeps you in your comfortzone where you don't have to
face the life behind you or theone across the lake.
It's easy to listen to a podcastwhen you're driving to work.
It's easy to order a book fromAmazon and read it before bed.
(11:03):
It's easy to tell everybody howpainful your divorce was.
It's easy to scroll and post onFacebook.
And when it's easy, it'spassive.
There's no risk.
There's no risk of failure.
There's no risk ofembarrassment.
There's no risk of discomfort.
There's no risk ofvulnerability.
There's no risk of shark attack,jellyfish sting or drowning.
(11:29):
When it's easy, you know you'retaking passive action.
You're not healing.
You're sitting on the dock,wasting your precious time, your
precious life, when you could belearning how to swim so you can
get yourself across that bay.
Does this mean that I think youshould stop listening to
podcasts and stop reading booksand stop learning and stop
(11:52):
sharing your story?
Heck no.
You should do all of thosethings.
They're all important tools thatcan assist you with taking the
action you need to take in orderto heal.
But I do want you to stop beingsurprised that just listening
and reading is not and consuminginformation is not getting you
(12:16):
where you want to be.
I do want you to stop thinkingthat staying in your comfort
zone will transform your lifeinto the one you want.
because it will not.
A life that is better because ofyour divorce requires
transformation.
And that means it requires athorough and dramatic change to
(12:39):
your very character.
I mean, think about it.
You're not the same person thatyou were before this whole
divorce thing started.
You're entirely different.
You are transformed.
Transforming so that your lifeis better because of divorce
takes the same kind of massiveaction and you will never get
(13:02):
that dramatic change by stayingin your comfort zone.
What does create transformation?
What does create a life that isbetter because of divorce?
What does get you to the otherside of the bay?
Massive action.
Tony Robbins says it this way.
He says, by changing nothing,nothing changes.
(13:24):
Massive action is the cure all.
One of my clients says it evenmore simply.
She says, I'm just doing itscared.
Doing it scared.
So if you feel like you've beentrying all the things to heal
and move forward or just feelbetter, just feel a little bit
(13:45):
better.
And yet every time you feel likeyou take one step forward, you
get better.
Push 10 steps back, then it'svery likely you have fallen
victim to the ruse of passiveaction.
The way forward is massiveaction, doing it scared, getting
off the dock, getting into thewater, and swimming.
(14:08):
Okay, here's the thing aboutmassive action.
It's not easy.
It's messy.
It's uncomfortable at times.
So I'm going to walk you throughthis lens.
Divorce was uncomfortable,right?
It was messy.
It required massive action toget out of that marriage.
(14:31):
Or if you're in the process,it's requiring messy action and
you don't know maybe what's nextfor your future.
But guess what?
Despite that discomfort and thenot knowing you are still here
and that divorce process movedforward or is still moving
forward.
(14:52):
Uncomfortable.
and all the ways still moving.
So you recognize that you can doit and that there must be
something better, but are youwilling to go back into that
place of messy action and theunknowns and take that action
(15:15):
required to go get it, to makethe bold, fierce moves, to have
the uncomfortable conversations,to find and face and feel your
emotions, to journal throughyour pain every single day, to
hire the coach.
Let's talk about that last one.
What if you're in the water byyourself and you're trying to
learn how to swim and you'reexhausted and you're like waving
(15:38):
your arms and you sink and youcome up and then you go back to
the shallow end and you stand upand you catch your breath and
you're like, okay, I'm gonna tryagain.
And somebody walks up on theshore with a life jacket.
And they say, hey, are you okay?
It looks like you could use ahand figuring out how to swim or
(15:58):
get out of the water.
What are you, the person whodoes not want to go back to the
land for any reason and can seethe new life across the bay,
going to say to the person whois offering you a life vest?
No, thanks.
I'm just going to keep doing iton my own.
I'm just going to keepexhausting myself until I figure
(16:20):
out how to swim because I knowif enough time passes, I'm going
to figure it out.
Is that your answer?
Are you going to be like, oh, myGod?
Yes.
I'm so glad you're here.
Give me the life jacket.
I never thought about a lifejacket.
That'll hold me up.
Now, all I have to do is kick.
I don't have to know how toswim.
I just have to kick my way tothe other side.
(16:43):
And then that person says, hey,would you like for me to swim
across the bay with you?
I can show you some strategiesto get to the other side and,
you know, we'll avoid thejellyfish and the sharks
together.
And you say, I never thought ofthat either.
I thought I had to do this allby myself.
(17:04):
You mean you've done thisbefore?
Yeah, I know where the sharksand the jellyfish are.
And you say, wow, I'm so gladyou showed up.
When can we start swimming?
You just changed my life byshowing me this different
approach.
I don't know how to thank youenough.
And the person puts the lifejacket on you and says, let's
(17:27):
start down.
There's no time like thepresent.
And the two of you kick your wayacross the bay.
Nobody drowns.
Nobody gets bit by a shark.
Nobody gets stung by ajellyfish.
And even though the distance isintimidating, you make it to the
other side.
(17:47):
That's what a good coach does.
They swim the bay with you.
If you're on the fence, you needto hire the coach.
Coaches are trained to helppeople transform.
I am trained extensively to helppeople create the
transformations in their livesthat they desire the most.
(18:10):
But for so many people, thechoice to accept that life
jacket and the partner on thejourney is just shoved aside
because it sounds different.
It sounds just as scary asswimming across the water.
And they may think I have to doit by myself or I'm weak.
Only people who are weak gethelp.
(18:32):
And meanwhile, those who haveaccepted the life jacket have
buzzed unscathed across thelake.
They got rid of the obstacle ofnot knowing how to swim.
They just took care of it.
Now they're on the other side,discovering exactly who they are
and who they want to become.
(18:54):
imagining and then creating thefutures that they desire the
lives they desire they're makingtheir imagination and their
future their reality they'rebuilding stronger and stronger
relationships with their adultchildren They're healing.
They're trusting themselvesagain.
They're learning to trust otherpeople.
Maybe they're even thinkingabout dating.
(19:14):
They're more confident.
They have more energy.
They are doing things to protectand take care of their bodies.
Maybe they're losing weight.
There's peace.
There's joy.
It's returned to their life.
They're excited to wake up andthey are not defined by their
divorce and what happened duringdivorce.
(19:37):
Those people are real.
They are my clients.
Our brains are so sneaky.
They will tell us all day long,read that book, listen to that
podcast.
And it knows full well that it'skeeping you in your comfort zone
and a place of ease.
And then it's like, here's somedopamine.
Good job.
(19:57):
And you're like, well, why am Istill stuck?
And it says, read some more andI'll give you more.
I'll give you more reward.
More reward.
And you're like, yeah, but I'mstill stuck.
We haven't gone anywhere.
The crazy part is that samebrain that will tell you not to
(20:18):
do the things that feel a littlebit uncomfortable in the moment
will help you figure out how todo the uncomfortable things when
you overrule your brain and say,no, we're going to do it anyway.
And I understand that you thinkI don't know how.
but we'll figure it outtogether.
And that same exact brain willstand up with you and say, okay,
(20:41):
whatever you want to do.
And it will start working tofind solutions for the life that
you want to live.
Passive action, sitting on thedock, reading about how to swim.
Massive action, getting in thewater, accepting help, clearing
out that obstacle and get acrossthe bay.
(21:02):
Passive action.
Waiting for time to pass so youwill miraculously heal.
Massive action.
Getting the tools and thesupport you need so that healing
starts right now, wherever youare in your journey.
Passive action.
Listening to this podcast.
I'm so glad that you are heretoday listening.
That makes me very happy.
(21:23):
Massive action.
When it ends, scheduling aprivate call with me to see
what's possible for you.
Passive action.
Listening to other people getcoached after this content
today.
Massive action.
Getting coached after thecontent.
Passive action.
Reading about, admiring, andcheering on other people and
(21:44):
their results.
Massive action.
Saying, I'm all in too.
Even though it's scary, I don'tknow how I'm going to pay for
it.
I don't know how it works.
I can't swim.
But those other people figuredit out and I'm going for it
because I'm worth it too.
You guys, the coolest thing ofall, and I'm being very sincere
(22:05):
in this, is that it's a choice.
All of this that I'm talkingabout is a choice for you.
You are free to choose the paththat you want.
If you want to sit on the end ofthe dock and stay in your
comfort zone for the rest ofyour life, with one life bearing
(22:27):
down on you that you don't wantand the other one just across
the bay, then no worries.
You get to do that.
That's a choice that you canmake as long as you feel good
about your choice.
There's nothing wrong with it.
You are also free to choosemassive action.
(22:48):
And not everybody wants to dothat.
But when you do, Yourunbelievable, amazing,
unimaginable results for you andfor the people you love are
right there, right across thewater.
So my question for you is, whichway will you go?
(23:12):
Which way will you choose to gotoday?
Will you stay in the comfort ofdiscomfort or will you go for
discomfort that leads to anamazing new life?
It's up to you.
Will you say yes to the lifejacket and the partner who will
swim the journey with you?
(23:34):
Or will you say, I think I'mgood right here, but thank you
so much for being a decent humanwho asks me if I need help.
I appreciate you.
If you are that fierce woman whowants that amazing new life, or
if you're the woman who wants tofeel like you're a fierce woman,
(23:55):
but you might need a littleboost, to get moving in that
direction, then you and I needto talk right away.
My private coaching practice isaccepting new clients right now.
And I want to find out if you'rea good fit for one of those
spots.
I want to find out if you want apartner to swim the bay with you
(24:17):
and start taking massive actionto create the life that you can
see and but that you're reallyhesitant to go and get because
there's sharks in that water andyou can't swim and jellyfish
stings are really painful.
If you want to talk privately,all you have to do is email me,
(24:40):
julie at juliesteadcoaching.comand we'll connect.
That's it.
That's not so scary, is it?
And until then, guys, I want youto stay fierce and take care.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Iām Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and Iām so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood youāre able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and lifeās ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them weāve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I donāt take it for granted ā click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I canāt wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.