January 28, 2025 • 61 mins
What if you found yourself pregnant at 17 amidst a circle where alcohol blurred the lines of support and denial? This week, our guest shares her compelling story of teenage pregnancy, navigating complex family dynamics, and the emotional journey that unfolded with her partner at her side. It’s a heartfelt narrative of resilience, as she challenges societal stereotypes, manages the demands of early parenthood, and pursues higher education, all against a backdrop of personal growth and unwavering family support.
Our conversation takes a candid look at the intricacies of marriage, from the challenges of infidelity and forgiveness to the struggle of living with a partner battling alcohol. Hear how she found escape and identity through her teaching career, even as she faced the heartbreak of miscarriage and the joy of planned pregnancies. We explore how personal choices weave through life events, forging a path lined with love, resilience, and the art of balancing personal passions with family life.
Witness the powerful transformation of our guest as she embarks on a journey of independence during the COVID-19 pandemic. Her courageous decision to leave a toxic relationship marks the beginning of an inspiring quest for self-empowerment at 40, where she learns to manage finances and finds fulfillment in her role as a teacher. With faith guiding her through, she reflects on divine messages in tragedy and the importance of empathy and understanding amidst life's toughest challenges. Join us for an episode that captures the essence of overcoming adversity and discovering joy in everyday moments.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Before the episode begins, I wanted to take the
time to tell you that, out ofrespect and privacy, I have
edited names out of this episode.
Also, when you hear the barkingdog in the episode, I want to
apologize for that.
That was my 10-year-old GreatDane, ruby.
She's passed away now, but sheused to insist on being wherever
(00:25):
I was, so when you hear thetail whacking the metal trash
can just know that that is whowas doing it.
She also shared a fondness formy guest.
The last thing is, I have arequest.
Can you please lift those upwho are having to live with
parents or a spouse who can'tstop drinking or doing drugs?
(00:48):
Their life is put throughabsolute hell.
I saw this so many times in myteaching career.
Thank you for listening and Godbless, hi and welcome to Beyond
(01:18):
Existing.
What do you do when the personthat you love, the person that
you know inside and out, thatyou have just, you know,
struggled with and just reachedout and tried to pray and just
wish and just hope for betterthings?
That just didn't come, and Idon't think we hear enough of
(01:40):
that today, and I don't think wehear enough of that today.
You know, what advice do yougive partners of those that the
good times don't come.
I want to thank you so much forcoming on today and just
sharing your private life andmaking it public for us If you
will just tell us all about howyou guys met.
(02:04):
Yeah, Start at the beginning.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
So I was 17.
It was the summer before mysenior year of high school and
we had a mutual friend and hewas also on his parents at a
lake house beside a friend ofmine's lake house and so I knew
of him and we just ended uphanging out.
(02:30):
And you know, I was 17 and hewas 19 and he was a student at
the community college already.
When we first met.
It was really good, I think,for him.
I was not maybe his usual typeof girlfriend and maybe a little
bit I don't want to say morecalm but not as worried with
(02:55):
girly type things.
Maybe as he was used to.
I was much more of a guy's girland we got along really well
and I got along with his friends, got along with my friends and
what was it like when he and hisfriends would get together?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
there was always drinking.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
I at the time didn't drink very much.
I never really did.
I would drink, you know, if wewent somewhere, I guess, but not
just sitting around.
But that was very much, uh, theculture of his friend group.
They, there was always alcoholyeah around.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So you guys, y'all started dating in august.
Uh-huh, is that right, okay?
And what'd you find out?
Speaker 3 (03:37):
in october, I was pregnant, um he was um at race
weekend in Charlotte and I foundout I was with my best friend,
bought a test at Walmart, put itin a jack-o'-lantern bucket,
checked out and took the test ather house.
(03:58):
I mean, you know, you alreadyknow, I think even at 17, I knew
and it was positive, I didn'tfreak out or anything.
My friend sort of did and shewas like really big deal and I
was like you know, but Iactually called him and left a
voicemail that I needed to talkto him when he got home and so
(04:21):
the whole way home he thought Iwas going to break up with him
and um, so I told him that night, um, he lived in a duplex that
was actually ended up beingclose to my parents house, but,
um, I drove over there andtalked to him and I mean
absolutely supportive 100 likewe just talked about.
(04:43):
I wouldn't say we necessarilytalked about what it would be
like to actually have a child,just sort of a comforting.
There wasn't any sort of likeblame or all the things you're
scared of when you tell someonethat you're pregnant.
He did not say anything toanyone else.
He eventually talked to hisparents well, his mom.
(05:04):
Um, he eventually talked to hisparents Well, his mom.
She talked to his dad and theywere very, I would say,
supportive, but up until I gavebirth under the impression that
we would go the route ofadoption.
Oh, they thought that you wouldgive it Okay, yeah and um my mom
did not know until I was sevenmonths pregnant, which sounds
(05:27):
insane, but I was tiny and I wasin high school I honestly
hardly saw my parents.
I would come in in the middleof the night and go to school in
the morning.
When I got sick it was in themorning.
I was in the shower.
I didn't go to the doctor oranything, I talked to his
(05:47):
parents.
You know that was out in theopen and they knew.
But they did not say anything tomy parents and my mom kind of
found out through rumor.
Oddly, I teach in the sameclassroom where she confronted
me.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
That's irony.
Yeah it is, it's weird.
You ever need to teach irony.
Yeah, I'm just kidding, but uh,she, uh.
She immediately took me to thedoctor, did an ultrasound and I
guess at that point I was havinga baby.
It became sort of real.
Everybody were in the um, inthe room with the ultrasound and
(06:24):
my dad was thrilled.
I remember telling you that hewanted a little boy.
Oh, and he was much older.
Yeah, he was already in his 60s.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
So so when you saw the ultrasound being 17, like
what went through your head.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I'm gonna be.
I was still very much in.
I don't want to say denial butnothing was real, like I just
yeah I still just went to schoolevery day.
Yeah, yeah, just walked throughthe halls like a normal person
oh my gosh, I started gettingbigger, obviously in the last
month and it was.
I mean we had, we had a babyshower, we did you know the
(07:04):
normal things, but it was.
I mean we had a baby shower, wedid you know the normal things,
but it was not real.
Yeah, now what?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
year was this 1999.
1999.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yeah, okay, so he had his own place then, which I did
move into.
A week before I graduated highschool I was put on like a
modified bed rest for swelling,and so I kind of just moved out
of my house and into there andthat last week of my senior year
(07:32):
I didn't go to class, I went tograduation practice, and that
was pretty much it.
Only I had two classes my lastsemester and they were just
required classes.
I didn't have to go for a wholeday.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, I think it's spanish.
Spanish now.
You told me about how you feltabout your teachers, what they
thought about you.
Can you share elaborate?
Speaker 3 (07:56):
a little bit on that.
I, um, I I would say I wasalways a, not a teacher's, but I
was always trying to do themost.
I guess Even in high school,like I would talk to, my
teachers were very, I think,just relaxed and very open with
us, which I really like.
(08:17):
Especially in high school youcan have that sort of
relationship with your students.
But it was one of my favoriteteachers.
He had said something in thehall, he was just really
disappointed that I had gottenpregnant.
I guess, yeah, which at the timedidn't really bother me too bad
(08:40):
, but sorry.
That's okay, that is okay metoo bad, but, um, sorry, that's
okay, that is okay.
As I got older, I realized,like after I had, I was very
much on the path of I have toprove myself to everybody and
that's what I did.
Um, yeah, I didn't want to bethat.
(09:01):
Um, you know, I had great grades, grades I kept an, a average,
and I didn't want to be like thegirl that had a baby after high
school and did nothing.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
The girl that I heard a statistic that 93% of people
that get pregnant in high school.
That's exactly what happened.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
It is, you know, we saw it, there were a lot of.
I was pregnant with two othergirls.
Both had already given birthlike through the school year, so
I guess in that way I was luckyI actually had.
I went into labor or I was inlabor, I guess, at graduation,
but I went to the hospital theday after surprisingly, didn't
(09:43):
know I was in labor.
No water break on stage.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
So what happened to, um, what happened to your friend
group?
Did it kind of force both ofyou to grow up fast, or I very
much grew up like overnight, um,I did not go out.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
and like on the weekends, our son, he would stay
with our parents.
They were, they were, they wereamazing grandparents.
Yeah, very supportive of bothsets of parents.
Everybody fell in love with us.
He was born, he was, it wasperfect.
But, um, he still went out alot.
I went through like phaseswhere I would go out but I
(10:28):
wasn't 21.
Yeah, so that was an issue.
He turned 20 right after I wasborn and you know I just turned
18.
So I couldn't really go doanything.
My friends all went off toschool.
His friends went off to schoolAbout half and about half stayed
around and they were at ourhouse a lot, which was fine, you
(10:49):
know, they didn't cause issuesor anything, just sitting around
drinking.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Okay, you have him in June.
May, may, may, sorry, so youhad him at the end of May, and
then you went to college inAugust.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Yeah, I went to my college orientation very
pregnant, a lot of looks, butit's all right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
So what did you do with him while you were in class
?
Speaker 3 (11:12):
His mom kept him during the school days.
Okay, she retired.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I know you said the partying lifestyle didn't leave
it picked up more.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
And part of me was very understanding of that.
Um part of me, you part yeah,were y'all married?
No, yeah, okay no, um, wedidn't get married until
december 20.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Um, oh, two, three years later and I know you said
that he said for you to nevercomplain about his drinking.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
No, that was the one thing you know from the very
beginning Don't ever sayanything about your drinking and
we'll be fine.
And I did it For a while.
But, I wanted it to work.
That was 100%.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So you guys get married the next year, yeah, the
next year.
And then is that when you hadyour second.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
We got married.
Then I graduated college thatMay and I got a job teaching
fourth grade and got pregnantpretty quick.
We wanted to have another babyso we were actually trying.
I had a miscarriage but gotpregnant immediately right after
(12:25):
.
So that was great.
It was a great pregnancy.
Everything went perfect.
I was very much a nervous wreckin the beginning.
I didn't fully understand themiscarriage, what caused it.
I mean, honestly, I had to havea DNC.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
How far along were you when you had the miscarriage
?
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I was pregnant.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I really didn't feel like.
I don't feel like it affectedme, because I didn't know I was
pregnant.
I was in a lot of pain onemorning before school and when I
got to school my mom took me tothe doctor.
I was pregnant, but I don'teven remember like the specifics
.
I had to go the next day forthem to do like the pregnancy
(13:08):
counts, uh-huh, to see if thepregnancy is moving along,
because I was in a lot of pain.
So we kind of knew immediately.
I remember calling on the wayhome from the doctor, didn't
know like we lost the baby yet.
So you know we were excited.
(13:29):
But then when I went back thenext day, like the counts were
down but I had to go every dayfor I had the DNC and then I had
to go to the office every dayfor a week to make sure
everything was complete, I guess, and then got pregnant.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
The next month and you said that pregnancy was
awesome.
It was.
You felt great through the yeahand it was planned.
It was planned.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
I really felt like it was my first pregnancy.
Mm-hmm, you know, to get toenjoy.
So I had my second yearteaching, six years apart.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Mm-hmm, you said y'all had bought your first
house, you both were working.
Yeah, your husband was takingcare of your finances, so
everything felt like it wasfalling into place.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, absolutely yeah , living the dream Relationships
, I guess with ex-girlfriendsthings became more secretive.
We had had, you know, the thirdkid is.
It's a big change, um, he wasagain.
It was a great pregnancy.
He's always supportive, heloves, loves kids, um, but it's
a lot, um.
I had gone back to school, um,and had just finished and that's
(14:39):
night school, yeah, for gradschool and he felt abandoned.
So that was the reasoning there.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
You forgave him again , yep, and he bought you a dog,
a dog.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
That was the go-to.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
And I do love a puppy .
Yes, but you know it was verymuch love, love, bombing.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I guess there's terms for all this stuff now oh yeah,
but um, very apologetic.
You know, there was always areason and that reason was
always something I did uh,blaming you yeah I guess in some
ways I did blame myself too.
I don't know why.
I mean, I sat plenty of nightswith just my kids.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Yeah, so everybody does.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, it's not a reason to and I, you know, I
didn't notice a change with useither there wasn't, wasn't like
a lack of affection, ordistance or anything.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
It was just the same, or at least that I didn't
notice.
So your third baby.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
He truly is, he's amazing.
But I became more mom focusedthan focused.
We'd always said, you know, thepartner comes first, because
that's the person you chose tobe with and the kids are.
You know what god gives you.
We were um, we were, I mean,best friends very close.
(16:10):
I do usually tend to give up myown identity when I'm with
people.
I don't know why that's a digdeeper, yeah, but uh, I made the
decision to be more of a mom, Iguess to destroy myself, which
sounds weird, but you know, justI was the one started.
You know, going to practices, tonot just dad going, not missing
(16:34):
any games, you know, notstaying home with other kids
there was a game.
It was more just trying to dothings, more all of us instead
of just one taking whateverchild has something.
Yeah, I mean, I feel that thatwas a positive time.
But he worked for his dadeventually did quit.
(16:57):
It had happened a few times.
He had texted me at work andsaid he wasn't going to work
anymore and he would always goback in like a couple of days.
But I don't know why this textwas different, but it was and it
was like you know.
I quit for real this time, didnot have a plan, did not
(17:23):
necessarily look to do anythingelse.
I guess the drinking increasedand by that point he would have
been unable to work and by theend it was buying two cases a
day.
At that time it was because Ido feel like when they were
(17:45):
sports wise, that was all withtheir dad.
I really didn't participate inthat much until I had to, and by
then it was all three of them Iwas at.
I was eating lunch at schooland I got a text that he was
looking at a gun on the coffeetable and just talked to his dad
(18:11):
and, you know, told him that hedidn't want to be alive anymore
.
I literally ran to my car.
His dad was already on the wayto our house and had gotten him,
had took the keys to the gunsafe and took him to their house
.
He wouldn't go in there, hewouldn't get out of the car at
(18:31):
their house.
But by the time I got therethey had got him out of the car.
He was extremely, extremelyintoxicated.
He could not walk.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
The man you fell in love with was nothing like this.
No.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
He was very sociable, charming with everyone To the
point like it probably cut on mynerves sometimes.
You know you go to a restaurant.
Yeah, he hasn't talked toeverybody.
Okay, and I'm, you know I go toa restaurant.
Yeah, he hasn't calledeverybody.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Okay, and I'm, you know, I'm quiet.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
Yeah, but yeah, when I got there, he was very angry
at everyone started going to eat.
Um, maybe past two weeks, andwe went to the tavern for new
year's eve with the kids and heordered a beer and my heart just
sunk oh yeah we got home and umwe got to an argument as much
(19:34):
as we ever argued.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Hardly at all yeah, yeah, because you don't like
anything to do with arguing orconfrontation Nope.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
So I took the kids.
My grandmother had a housenearby, took the kids, it was
empty and he called and calledand I went home that night.
He at first was hiding it well,I've got a question.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
So when he ordered that beer, yeah, was it just one
?
Yes, okay it was just one andhe thought he could do just one.
I think so, yeah, and be fine.
And when y'all got home, did hecontinue to drink?
Speaker 3 (20:14):
there was beer in the house that I didn't know about.
So when he went home, like Ijust heard the crack of the can.
Mm-hmm.
That was it.
It was like in the dining roombehind stuff he had been hiding
it.
When I found that out, like Ithrew it away.
But I mean, where am I going tothrow it away at the house.
(20:37):
Mm-hmm like I threw it away.
But I mean, where am I going tothrow it away?
At the house?
I put it, put that case in mytrunk when I left.
But he got more.
He went to the store and gotbeer and it.
Um, I'd say for a week he wasstill trying to hide it, Um, but
obviously, uh, I see all thetrash cans and dumpsters.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
So, yeah, it wasn't even there was no point in
hiding it it just it was backyeah, you had mentioned that he
stopped attending any kind ofschool functions.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, really social functions in general.
Social anxiety.
There was a lot of socialanxiety.
I felt like, and just even likegoing out to eat.
It was kind of.
He was like you know, I drinkso I can be social, yeah, which
(21:34):
I know people do.
Yeah, right, but not that much.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable.
A drink people do, yeah, right,but not that much.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable A
drink A drink, but it was notjust ever a drink, so it was
more didn't go out as much.
We really stopped visitingpeople, except our parents
Holidays were at our house, orhe didn't go, and the clincher
(22:04):
for me was playing for a travelball team.
They went to Pigeon Forge for atournament.
We got in the car I don't knowhow long it was, it really
wasn't that long he just said Ican't do it.
He said can you take me backhome?
And I was like what?
(22:26):
Like I can't go to Tennessee bymyself with all the kids.
And you know I knew a few ofthe other parents, but you know
we didn't have a hotel room oranything.
But I did, and the whole time Iwas there I was bitter, just
very bitter, because for so longhe didn't want me to go out
(22:50):
without him.
When I'm with someone, I'm withthat person.
Yeah, very loyal, very, alwaysbeen that way.
Yeah, very loyal Very.
Always been that way.
But I kind of felt abandonedand that's I knew I didn't want
to be married anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
That'd be scary to be .
Yeah, somewhere big like Pigeon, forge.
Yeah, it was enormous.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
It was at the Cal Ripken field, which is Right,
yeah.
I mean, it was an amazingexperience, yeah, the kids.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I'm glad we went, but had you ever been off by
yourself like that before?
Um?
Speaker 3 (23:28):
no, I I went.
I went to the beach with my momand sister.
Young, yeah, I was justhorribly moody the whole time.
Um, we were always together andso I was very attached, very
codependent.
No, we uh, even just going out,we would go together um with
(23:51):
friends, his friends, even myfriends.
That all that all changed.
But that was still five yearsbefore I actually left before
you actually left.
I kind of just cut myself offemotionally.
Um, still loved him, still mybest friend yeah, still had
great friendship.
He could not.
(24:12):
He could not be the husband ordad that we needed.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
How did you feel like around the other parents?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
I would say I was bitter because, like even the
divorced parents, were theretogether.
I was the only one Like youknow it was a big deal for the
kids it was.
You know they got to meet allthese MLB players and you know
that was right up their dad'salley.
Yeah, I really thought.
You know he loved baseball buthe just couldn't be there.
(24:44):
Um, I acted, I would say,pretty normal.
Um, I ended up just um stayingin a really, really shitty mot
motel with two other familieswe're staying at.
So the kids had a little poolto play in and you know they
(25:07):
still had a good time.
How did you stay five moreyears?
I guess it just became myroutine.
Kids were all playing sports,was driving at that point.
So you know he went to work andschool and did his thing.
Kind of.
He sort of isolated himself too.
He definitely took the most,let's say, verbal, emotional
(25:32):
abuse out of anyone.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Do you think there was resentment?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
there, sure, yeah, he's very emotional, like me.
If you cried, you got yelled at.
If I mean he, he said ithimself.
You know he wasn't allowed tohave any emotions so he doesn't
now just I worked a lot Istarted, um, selling teacher
things on a website and when Istarted doing that, it took
(26:00):
hours of, you know, creatingthings for my classroom and then
hours more making them to whereanybody any other teacher could
use them.
So I heavily delved into thatand I and I I will fully admit I
would sit on my laptop all thetime when I was at home, unless
(26:22):
the kids and I were goingsomewhere.
I very much, um, checked outand that is what I did, and
along with that you've got tomarket yourself and I got very
into Instagram.
I met a lot of friends,honestly, that I kind of talked
to.
I didn't know them in real lifebut, you know, just had similar
(26:45):
whatever's yeah, not justnecessarily my marriage, but,
you know, just teachingexperiences and things like that
and a lot of Facebook groupswith other teacher bloggers.
It was really a big thing, youknow, 10 years ago and it still
is, but I totally left thatworld behind.
(27:11):
If I worked, I would go pick upthe kids from school, we would
go back to my classroom, I wouldwork until it was time for
practice or until we went to eatand then practice or games were
usually.
You know, we wouldn't get hometill 10 o'clock and, uh, we
would all just go to bed yeahand that's how we lived.
(27:32):
I read, I read so many books umanything to just escape a lot
of TV.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
How many books would you read in a year?
You'd say Over 100 novelseasily.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
I mean, I read for and I loved it.
I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, I can get about five to ten pages a night and
it's like a sleeping pill for meand I would.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I mean I would stay up.
Oh my gosh, read, read, read,read, yeah, um, and it's.
It is a great escape, apositive, I would say.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I really tried to be positive in what I obsessed with
yeah not not detrimental yeah,when anyone we get to the end of
the book, it's like you lostfriends, because you just get to
know the character so well.
Absolutely, yeah.
So something that you told methat you guys always said was
(28:25):
that you felt like y'all choseeach other, yeah, and that your
marriage was more importantbecause you know, like with
empty nesters- yeah, like theyhave a problem with their lives
revolved around their kids andthey forgot.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
That's what happened to my parents.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Yep, yeah, and they forgot who they were.
Yeah, as a couple, and you saidthat you and your husband,
y'all weren't like that.
No, that you had always saidbefore that you had chosen each
other.
You know.
Speaker 3 (28:51):
I truly that was my soulmate, yeah, and I know.
I know he felt the same way.
Um, he was.
The good times were great um,and he was a great bullshitter,
but I do I know that he loved usum, he just couldn't and
(29:14):
couldn't take care of us, um,and even got to the point where
he was always asleep.
Always asleep, I mean wedefinitely still spent time
together.
It was just being lazy, thoughI say we hit it very well.
I always made excuses for him.
(29:35):
You know he doesn't feel good,but people knew um, really, the
baseball field is really whereit was noticed because he had
been with the same people um,the same families, you know,
with each kid and you really dogo close, grow close right,
especially in this smallcommunity.
You know it's the same peopleevery season baseball right,
(29:57):
yeah, and um, I, you know, Imade a lot of friends and we
made a lot of friends, not that,not friends that we would go
out with, but, um, friends thatwere always at the games we sat
with.
You know, we talked to and hestopped going and people started
kind of bringing it up and thenpeople just kind of like I knew
(30:20):
they were talking about it, buthe didn't care, I was, you know
, like it's not their business.
You know, it was always hestill.
I still had it in my mind thathe still took care of us.
Um, he did still pay all thebills and um, I guess in my mind
that was taking care of us, butI really had no idea about our
(30:45):
finances at all.
I knew what I made, I knew whatthe house payment was.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
We both spent a lot of money Now did you have pretty
good income coming in from thethat teacher website?
Speaker 3 (31:00):
yeah, and with some plans and I have, you know, I've
got two degrees and nationalboards.
I did anything I could, um,when we, when teachers, still
had the opportunity to getstipends for things like that,
yeah, that last kind of erawhere you still got paid for
(31:21):
national boards and they paidfor you to go back to school.
So I definitely took advantageof those things in my very early
career.
I had done all that by my thirdyear, yeah, so I just and again
, that was still just provingmyself constantly, in every way.
(31:44):
I did not want to be a teenagemom, I didn't want to ever be
associated with that.
Just, you know, I know thingsthat people said because they
would say them in front of me,not even realizing, hey, you
know that might offend her.
But, um, that's probably one ofthe only things I will voice my
opinion about, because, it'snot a death sentence and you can
(32:07):
still have a great life.
And uh, just very.
I mean, always gave meattention, always complimenting,
always.
You know you're beautiful and Iguess as long as I felt like I
was still loved, that it wouldbe okay.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So you became the best teacher in your school.
Right I did.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, so I put everything into children, yeah,
my own and others.
Yeah, I, um, I've always.
I just love being around kidsyeah, they're just fun and yeah
they're honest and don't takeeverything so seriously, and I
love that you needed thatescapism absolutely and put my
(33:00):
heart and soul in it.
He was always very proud of me,uh-huh.
He loved.
He loved hearing about the kidsand I always felt like he knew
them.
Yeah, um, because he did, heardstories about him all the time.
He knew everybody's name, um,or their code names.
That was what I poured myselfinto because it wasn't at home,
(33:22):
yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
And depressing your life.
I'm sure it felt like it wasjust on repeat.
Yeah, what happened in April of2020 that made you say this is
it?
Speaker 3 (33:33):
I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
COVID.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
We were home and really was spending 24 hours a
day in the house with him.
I was very I wouldn't say naiveabout it, because I didn't have
to drive him to buy the alcohol.
But I guess just seeing it inperson was very different.
(33:57):
I don't think he in person wasvery different.
Um, I don't think he ever feltI was unhappy.
I am very good at hidingfeelings somehow, but, um, I was
very tired of everything bythat point.
So I kind of got you know.
Teaching from home became mynew passion.
(34:19):
I bought a big actually hebought me a big Mac.
That was another big purchase.
To keep me happy, I guess, Iset up like a little office.
I taught from home.
I didn't hate it, like mostpeople, but I spent the entire
(34:45):
day in front of a computerscreen, whether it was doing his
massive amounts of homework ormyself, with making awards for
the online awards day.
Doing everything online, I put Iput like so much into it, but
just because that's what Iwanted to be doing, I can't say
(35:08):
I hated it, I hated being athome all day and not not feeling
like I could I mean honestlycouldn't just go out and walk
around Target, or you know, Irealized how much money was
actually spent with the hobbies.
(35:28):
I guess because I was therewhen the packages came, instead
of not seeing things I even.
I really tried to like.
I was just trying to besupportive and be interested in
what he was.
Yeah.
To spend some time together.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
You told me that he he was rushed to the hospital.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Yeah, In April 2020.
He had a head and a nosebleedfor a few days.
I wouldn't say it was totallynot normal when the seasons
change he would get nosebleedsand the high blood pressure.
I do not know if he was takinghis medicine or not.
(36:17):
I don't think so because hehadn't been to the doctor and so
on but he it just would notstop bleeding and I couldn't get
him to wake up from the couchone day.
I mean, it was just bloodeverywhere.
Um, I called 911 and theambulance came.
(36:39):
Um, he did not have a pulse andum, they loaded him up real
quick.
They thought, um, they, theyasked me uh, what kind of drugs
he was on, you know, because ofthe nose bleeding, and I'm like
it's just alcohol and they'relike no way, and I'm like I
promise he's very anti-drugs.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yeah, very, very very much and cigarettes and
cigarettes and marijuana Likeanything but alcohol, anything
but alcohol.
It's terrible, but alcohol.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Um so, uh, this was the height, I would say, of the
pandemic around here.
I was not allowed to go intothe hospital, but I literally
sat in my car in the parking lot.
Um, I could not be away.
I was very, very scared and hewould die yeah um, not even if
it was just the nosebleed he wasgoing to get covid and he
wouldn't be able to fight it, orum, you know, the nurses would
(37:44):
call me um, they were having togive him alcohol because he was
going through withdrawals tobeing in the hospital and um, so
he was combative and, um, yeah,I've been through dementia with
my dad and being in thehospital and you know, once they
put you in restraints, it'skind of over yeah, yes, yes,
(38:09):
because you have to be able tobe without them for 24 hours.
So that time at the hospital hechecked himself out against
medical advice.
When I picked him up from thehospital, he was literally
wearing the robe, the hospitalgown.
I don't know if it was the nextday or two whole days.
The same thing happened againon the couch.
(38:32):
I called the ambulance.
They took him and this timethey admitted him to the
hospital.
He was there for four or fivedays and when he came out he
looked really good.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
So you were upset.
I know he seemed unaffected,like he was just ready to die, I
mean he just picked up beeryeah um.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
So I I felt like you know he had given up on his own
life yeah so what was I gonna do?
Right you can't, you cannot.
I don't be in any sort ofhealthy relationship with
someone who doesn't care ifthey're alive.
It was just so, not that hehadn't chosen alcohol over us,
(39:24):
but that time it was.
You have almost died, yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
How has that not affected you?
Yeah, how has that not made you?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
change.
It's opened your eyes yeah,nothing, but it affect you.
Yeah, how's it not make youchange?
Open your eyes yeah, nothingbut it didn't yeah.
And I, just I could not watchit.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Yeah, and that's when you made that decision.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
You were done Yep the kids even said they didn't
think it would be like for real.
I can remember just saying, oh,this is for real.
Yeah, it was really, really bad.
I knew if I went back home Iwould stay and I wouldn't leave
(40:05):
and it would just be repeatingthis pattern for the rest of my
life.
I could not do that, so I left.
I had no plan.
No plan um nothing.
Yeah, would not repeat that part.
I would definitely have had aplan for me and the boys yeah
but that's not what happened.
Speaker 1 (40:24):
So yeah, but you had a good reason because you felt
like if you went back to thathouse, I knew I would that you
wouldn't leave I know myselfenough to know that yeah so you,
so you made sure the boys werewith their grandparents, and
then you found a place.
Speaker 3 (40:39):
Stayed with a couple different people.
Then a friend from work hadlike an extra house.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yeah, yeah so.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I stayed there for a little while, and then I found a
place to rent after about ayear.
Yeah, but I did not have mykids with me.
That was very hard, but I didnot.
I didn't feel like it would befair to them to leave everything
they had.
I guess I just made excuses tomyself, like they would be
(41:09):
better with their grandparentsbecause it was stable.
I felt like that was the bestthing.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
Again, I wouldn't do it that way, but we said that
about everything.
I mean hindsight's 20 abouteverything.
Yeah and it's easy to say that.
It is easy yeah, you did whatyou had to do.
Yeah, and it's not like theywere staying with people.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
They didn't right and and I made sure if they saw him
they were not alone.
They continue to do so.
They're comfortable and happy,and so that is fine with me.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:47):
Of course I would like it different, but they're
taken care of and they knowthey're loved and if they choose
to see their dad, they do theyare.
By the time I left, a lot ofthings came out from the two
older boys.
I guess they had realized morethan I thought.
(42:11):
We're catching on to things theway they were treated.
We're very vocal with him.
If he said anything to me, thatwas rude.
They would always say somethingback.
They were very supportive, butthey were 15 and 22.
(42:32):
By that point, maybe 14.
I mean my hope, not that theyneed to never drink or anything,
but that they see what canhappen when it's out of control,
when anything's out of control.
Any addiction, right, not justalcohol.
So they all have anxiety intheir own ways, but luckily not
(42:52):
using alcohol to deal with it.
So how are you today?
Even though I am crying rightnow, I, um, I'm gonna.
I feel like I am a muchstronger individual.
I don't feel like I am.
Speaker 2 (43:09):
I'm not I don't live in like a dreamy world anymore.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
I'm very much more reality.
Things are what they are to me.
I don't make big deals aboutthings because I know that's way
worse.
There's something way worse orsomebody's dealing with
something way worse.
Yeah.
It definitely puts things intoperspective.
I do feel it could have beenway worse.
(43:36):
It could have been physicallyabusive.
So I do try to not make myselffeel better, but but know that
like I will not be in thatsituation again yeah if I drink
at all, maybe a couple times ayear.
I have no, no desire fordrinking, um, don't really like
to be around it yeah rememberyou told me people yeah like
(43:59):
bother me.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yeah, you can't even stand to hear.
Just even the crack of even asoda can just takes you right
back so I really like living ina house where there's not beer
and or soda can lots of sodacans like it was.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
I remember trash days , hearing the recycling bin
being picked up and just thehundreds of cans.
Um, it was wild.
I mean, I could still hear thatand in many ways I am better
because of it, but I still havenot worked through a lot yeah,
(44:43):
well, it's gonna take a longtime.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
I mean, it took a long time to get here, yeah, and
so it's gonna take a long timeto get over.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
Yeah, do you feel like you're a much better
balanced person?
I feel like, I like.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
I am.
I don't I think I did such agood job of faking it for so
long.
I don't.
At least I don't act likeeverything's fine all the time.
You know I don't have to makeexcuses.
For anybody which is nice isfor anybody which is nice.
(45:19):
I feel like I'm almost veryaware of manipulation and like
even with children, just lookingat things differently, I'm very
open.
If somebody brings it up, Idon't get embarrassed about it.
I mean, it was what it was.
I do not regret was what it was.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
I do not regret um.
That was 22 years of my 42years, have you?
Speaker 3 (45:42):
ever felt angry.
Oh yeah, god um.
No, I um, I can't even say Ireally felt all that angry at
all.
Um, I never blamed god um drinkbecause they want to, but the
the drive has to be there, sothat's why I'm not ashamed or
embarrassed by any of it.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
It's just how my life went for 20 years.
Yeah.
I don't feel I really blamedanybody, but the psychology of
it.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Yeah, you're now in a much better place.
You're much more independentbecause you went straight from
living in your parents' househigh school, you know to living
in the lake house, right, yeah,okay, no, in between, never on
my own.
No in between.
Yeah, and then y'all livedtogether for 20 years, yeah, 22,
(46:36):
yeah, and then you move out andyou're finally yeah, on your
own and so at 40 yeah, you hadto learn a lot of independence,
yeah I um, as ridiculous as itsounds, I never paid bills.
Speaker 3 (46:51):
I never really paid attention to finances.
All that was very new to me.
My name was never on a car.
Many of those things are.
I looked at them as being takencare of, so I know better now
and that the February of 2020, Iinsisted that the car that I
(47:16):
got be in my name, and thank God.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (47:18):
Because I wouldn't have even had that.
Yeah, you know, I didn't havemy own bank account, nothing
ever, so it's been eye opening.
I feel like I do okay.
Yeah, still learning how tomanage things, especially
finances.
Speaker 1 (47:35):
You know like everybody goes down that dark
path with all that you've beenthrough.
When you start going down thatdark path, how do you get
yourself out?
Speaker 3 (47:46):
I finally feel like it's the first year I am happy
at work and really truly enjoyand love the kids that I'm
teaching and they are asexhausting as they can be A
great way to kind of levelmyself out.
You have to be there for themand they have so much going on
(48:10):
too.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Some of them have atrocious things that have
already happened to them inseven years.
I feel like I have a lot ofempathy.
Yeah, I was going to say don'tyou feel like you can totally
relate?
I do.
Speaker 3 (48:22):
I'm extremely empathetic, anyway Not
necessarily in all the positiveways, but I kind of feel like
that's my role right now Ourkids, kind of helping them when
they need me.
Yeah, they're all older gettingolder, just kind of doing
things that I enjoy for thefirst time in a long time.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
You are doing a lot of stuff Concerts- and that's
how I was before yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
As a teenager, just constantly.
I was always out around lots ofpeople, concerts, anywhere,
somebody's house.
I was never a homebody.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
Yeah.
And then you time went on.
You became a hermit, yeah.
And now you're learning how tolive again.
Speaker 3 (49:07):
Yeah, that's been a hard transition because it can
definitely come off as beinglazy, but it was really how our
life was.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
Yeah, do you mind sharing with the audience
something that really botheredyou, that one of your bosses
said to you or said about you?
Speaker 3 (49:26):
So there's actually been a few, but last year at
work it was a very difficultyear for our school.
We were under a lot of pressureor not been performing well as
a school.
But if you come to our schoolyou know immediately.
It is not the teachers Right.
(49:48):
It is an amazing place to workLike.
The people I work with are soamazing and love like genuinely
love children and we love eachother.
I had a principal once and hesaid you know, principals come
and go, but your coworkers areyour family here, and so true.
(50:10):
We've been through a lot ofprincipals and we were having a
big meeting.
It was very uncomfortable.
We were in the cafeteria andthey had just shown us a video
of a pretty well-known principal.
That sounds weird to say, butsocial media wise, he basically
(50:33):
runs a company and calls it aschool.
It's a very intense place towork.
It is not somewhere a typicalperson would be happy working.
The environment is very highpressure and none of that was
taken into consideration,probably because she didn't know
any of that.
But through my years on socialmedia I had friends that had
(50:56):
worked there.
I saw teachers commit suicidethat worked there.
Oh gosh, it's very intense.
Do they do amazing things,absolutely, but at what cost?
And she showed us a videobasically how teachers are to
blame for making children wussesLike we wusses Like we
(51:17):
wussified America.
That's not teachers.
We don't raise the children.
First of all, that offended me,and it offended me in general,
because she knew nothing aboutthe work environment that this
man created and the extremepressure that the teachers are
under for, basically, celebrity,just everything is over the top
(51:39):
.
And that's not reality.
And she literally said this iswhat we've done to our kids.
This is why they are notsuccessful.
We baby them and make excusesfor them, and we have just made
them wusses.
And I raised my little hand Isaid do you know the kind of
environment that his teacherswork under?
(52:01):
And she's like I mean, yeah, Isaid so.
You know that they have atleast one, if not two, teachers
that committed suicide, um, andthat they're not allowed to take
a day off and if someone is outfor some major reason, anyone
could be asked to teach theclass.
Like it's not.
(52:23):
This is not our reality here.
It is not a private school withbillions of dollars of income.
We work with what we get fromparents.
And she just made a commentabout.
I don't even remember what shesaid to me, but it had something
to do with the old and shewould use that a lot.
(52:46):
We had a new assistantprincipal last year and he even
said I'm like how can you saythat you don't know?
You've never met the old.
This is the only one you knowat it.
I'm like how can you say that?
you don't know, you've never metthe old.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
This is the only one you know, and she is a wreck,
right, okay, and she knows it.
But um, the old stay at schooltill six anything.
Speaker 3 (53:04):
The boss asked um make anything.
The paintings hang in thatschool.
I did them.
Uh, the paintings on the wallmy friends did for free.
We did everything for free, outof obligation and you know we
wanted to to a certain extent.
Um, and I just said I told herto.
(53:26):
I didn't want to ever hearthose words from her mouth again
yeah, um the old's not aroundthe old was not around.
The old was sad.
The old was at work all thetime because she didn't want to
be at home and I was never goingto be her again.
There are definitely times thatI was not doing my job like I
should have been.
(53:46):
I was very checked out the verynext year, but I was really
happy personally but notprofessionally, and so it kind
of absolutely just changed gearsfor me, where I'd always been
happy with myself professionallybut not personally, yeah.
(54:07):
So it took me until this year,I think, to find a good
work-home life balance whenyou're happy.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
personally, those are important things get taken care
of yeah, yeah, you're talkingabout the old versus the new.
You've made the statement thatsome people aren't around
anymore.
Yeah, they don't really likethe new as much.
Speaker 3 (54:30):
I would say I quit caring about kind of the same
things that I had in the past.
I feel like my priorities havechanged.
I think some of that is maybethe way I did it.
I know some people think Iabandoned my family, my husband.
(54:51):
I wasn't someone who was goingto look for a relationship
outside of marriage.
If I ever wanted to move on,that was the only way To have
any sort of life outside of thatmarriage and in my opinion, if
I don't want to be married, Ishouldn't be Because that's not
going to be a good marriage.
We many times had alreadyworked through things, I had
(55:14):
already stayed so many times andI don't really think people
realize that because I didn'ttalk about it.
It was 2020 when I left and Ikind of felt like I should
probably talk to someone.
But it was virtual, yeah, and I, if I am in front of you, I
(55:37):
can't hide anything, but if I'mon a computer screen I can
fidget and do whatever.
And you're not going to know it.
So I only did the initialtherapy.
I told her I was just reallyconcerned because I wasn't upset
, I wasn't angry, I just kind ofleft and that was it.
(56:00):
I didn't Were you feeling kindof dead inside?
Yeah, I was.
I didn't talk to be called, Iignored it.
I didn't block text, but Iwould.
I never responded.
I never responded to a text oran email.
If I answered the phone, I hadno problem, like hanging up if
(56:23):
it got ugly.
And I told her, you know I feltalmost guilty for not feeling
bad.
And she, she made a very goodpoint.
She said you know, you'vemourned the loss of your
marriage for five years.
Yeah, They've kind of beenthrough the grieving process.
If they mention him, I just askhow he's doing.
(56:45):
I usually get a smart-assanswer, so that makes me laugh.
They are, they're, very,they're way more understanding
than I probably would have beenat their age.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
If there's, you know.
You know there's women outthere that are feeling the exact
same way.
Yeah, what would you say to thewomen who feel like if I leave,
he's going to die?
Speaker 3 (57:09):
Yeah, he's not.
I heard a quote about guiltthat really resonated with me.
It said guilt is very selfish.
If you think you have that muchinfluence over another person
that you think you caused asuicide or a relapse or you know
(57:31):
why, would you think that hasnothing to do with you.
Like, guilt is selfish and I'vereally embraced that because
it's not my fault.
Yeah, If you're living with it.
It's not your fault thatthey're drinking, no matter what
they tell you.
You're not making their life sodifficult, that they need to
(57:52):
drink because you know that'ssomething I think a lot of say
um, just to kind of put theblame somewhere else.
You know, whatever happens onceyou leave is not not on you.
That person isn't their ownindividual and, um, they need to
take some responsibilitythemselves.
(58:13):
Yeah, I would say I did notsupport it, but I did not.
Speaker 1 (58:18):
That's another thing like a lot of you know, a lot of
spouses feel like I guess thatthey need to join in the
drinking this.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
Yeah, yeah um, I think I had the opposite effect
on me.
I knew I needed to be sober.
Um, in case something happenedwhen you first shared your story
with me.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
I mentioned to you before that I always try to read
the Bible.
Yeah, what's the date I cameacross?
Philippians 3.13.
No, dear friends, I'm still notall I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies On thisone thing, thank you.
God just has a way of speakingto us in ways that we don't
(59:21):
expect, like, uh, for example, Ihad a co-worker who she'd gone
through cancer, breast cancertreatments, and she, she beat it
, but months later it affectedher digestive system and she got
where she could not eatanything or digest, and, um, she
was admitted into baptisthospital and went to salem and
she ended up passing away.
(59:43):
And I mean, it was just, wecouldn't believe it.
We thought she would.
I mean, she'd already beatcancer.
We thought she would, you know,beat that as well.
And that night, the chapterI've been reading, the first
verse for the next chapter wasin my father's house.
There are many rooms, and shewas a devout Catholic and she
(01:00:06):
always gave God credit.
Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
So yeah, it's just amazing the way he speaks.
I would be easy to blamesomething.
Yeah.
But I don't think there is.
I don't think God providesanyone with suffering.
Maybe just a way out.
Yeah, to open a new door?
Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Yes, yeah, and to be able to just help other people
too, yeah.
Absolutely Well hey, Iappreciate.
I so appreciate you coming on.
Speaker 3 (01:00:36):
I'm not very emotional, but it's not.
It's not regret or sadness forwhat I went through, it's just
facing it thank you forlistening to this episode of
beyond existing.
Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
many thanks to my guests and also to crystal webb
and her middle school jazz bandfor supplying the music when the
Saints come marching in.
If there's something that youwould like to share with me or a
topic that you would like tohear discussed, there's a link
in the show's description, sojust send me a text.
Please share the show withfriends and family to help grow
(01:01:11):
the podcast and be sure tofollow wherever you listen to
podcasts.
Before the episode begins, I wanted to take the
time to tell you that, out ofrespect and privacy, I have
edited names out of this episode.
Also, when you hear the barkingdog in the episode, I want to
apologize for that.
That was my 10-year-old GreatDane, ruby.
She's passed away now, but sheused to insist on being wherever
(00:25):
I was, so when you hear thetail whacking the metal trash
can just know that that is whowas doing it.
She also shared a fondness formy guest.
The last thing is, I have arequest.
Can you please lift those upwho are having to live with
parents or a spouse who can'tstop drinking or doing drugs?
(00:48):
Their life is put throughabsolute hell.
I saw this so many times in myteaching career.
Thank you for listening and Godbless, hi and welcome to Beyond
(01:18):
Existing.
What do you do when the personthat you love, the person that
you know inside and out, thatyou have just, you know,
struggled with and just reachedout and tried to pray and just
wish and just hope for betterthings?
That just didn't come, and Idon't think we hear enough of
(01:40):
that today, and I don't think wehear enough of that today.
You know, what advice do yougive partners of those that the
good times don't come.
I want to thank you so much forcoming on today and just
sharing your private life andmaking it public for us If you
will just tell us all about howyou guys met.
(02:04):
Yeah, Start at the beginning.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
So I was 17.
It was the summer before mysenior year of high school and
we had a mutual friend and hewas also on his parents at a
lake house beside a friend ofmine's lake house and so I knew
of him and we just ended uphanging out.
(02:30):
And you know, I was 17 and hewas 19 and he was a student at
the community college already.
When we first met.
It was really good, I think,for him.
I was not maybe his usual typeof girlfriend and maybe a little
bit I don't want to say morecalm but not as worried with
(02:55):
girly type things.
Maybe as he was used to.
I was much more of a guy's girland we got along really well
and I got along with his friends, got along with my friends and
what was it like when he and hisfriends would get together?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
there was always drinking.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
I at the time didn't drink very much.
I never really did.
I would drink, you know, if wewent somewhere, I guess, but not
just sitting around.
But that was very much, uh, theculture of his friend group.
They, there was always alcoholyeah around.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So you guys, y'all started dating in august.
Uh-huh, is that right, okay?
And what'd you find out?
Speaker 3 (03:37):
in october, I was pregnant, um he was um at race
weekend in Charlotte and I foundout I was with my best friend,
bought a test at Walmart, put itin a jack-o'-lantern bucket,
checked out and took the test ather house.
(03:58):
I mean, you know, you alreadyknow, I think even at 17, I knew
and it was positive, I didn'tfreak out or anything.
My friend sort of did and shewas like really big deal and I
was like you know, but Iactually called him and left a
voicemail that I needed to talkto him when he got home and so
(04:21):
the whole way home he thought Iwas going to break up with him
and um, so I told him that night, um, he lived in a duplex that
was actually ended up beingclose to my parents house, but,
um, I drove over there andtalked to him and I mean
absolutely supportive 100 likewe just talked about.
(04:43):
I wouldn't say we necessarilytalked about what it would be
like to actually have a child,just sort of a comforting.
There wasn't any sort of likeblame or all the things you're
scared of when you tell someonethat you're pregnant.
He did not say anything toanyone else.
He eventually talked to hisparents well, his mom.
(05:04):
Um, he eventually talked to hisparents Well, his mom.
She talked to his dad and theywere very, I would say,
supportive, but up until I gavebirth under the impression that
we would go the route ofadoption.
Oh, they thought that you wouldgive it Okay, yeah and um my mom
did not know until I was sevenmonths pregnant, which sounds
(05:27):
insane, but I was tiny and I wasin high school I honestly
hardly saw my parents.
I would come in in the middleof the night and go to school in
the morning.
When I got sick it was in themorning.
I was in the shower.
I didn't go to the doctor oranything, I talked to his
(05:47):
parents.
You know that was out in theopen and they knew.
But they did not say anything tomy parents and my mom kind of
found out through rumor.
Oddly, I teach in the sameclassroom where she confronted
me.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
That's irony.
Yeah it is, it's weird.
You ever need to teach irony.
Yeah, I'm just kidding, but uh,she, uh.
She immediately took me to thedoctor, did an ultrasound and I
guess at that point I was havinga baby.
It became sort of real.
Everybody were in the um, inthe room with the ultrasound and
(06:24):
my dad was thrilled.
I remember telling you that hewanted a little boy.
Oh, and he was much older.
Yeah, he was already in his 60s.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
So so when you saw the ultrasound being 17, like
what went through your head.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I'm gonna be.
I was still very much in.
I don't want to say denial butnothing was real, like I just
yeah I still just went to schoolevery day.
Yeah, yeah, just walked throughthe halls like a normal person
oh my gosh, I started gettingbigger, obviously in the last
month and it was.
I mean we had, we had a babyshower, we did you know the
(07:04):
normal things, but it was.
I mean we had a baby shower, wedid you know the normal things,
but it was not real.
Yeah, now what?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
year was this 1999.
1999.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yeah, okay, so he had his own place then, which I did
move into.
A week before I graduated highschool I was put on like a
modified bed rest for swelling,and so I kind of just moved out
of my house and into there andthat last week of my senior year
(07:32):
I didn't go to class, I went tograduation practice, and that
was pretty much it.
Only I had two classes my lastsemester and they were just
required classes.
I didn't have to go for a wholeday.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, I think it's spanish.
Spanish now.
You told me about how you feltabout your teachers, what they
thought about you.
Can you share elaborate?
Speaker 3 (07:56):
a little bit on that.
I, um, I I would say I wasalways a, not a teacher's, but I
was always trying to do themost.
I guess Even in high school,like I would talk to, my
teachers were very, I think,just relaxed and very open with
us, which I really like.
(08:17):
Especially in high school youcan have that sort of
relationship with your students.
But it was one of my favoriteteachers.
He had said something in thehall, he was just really
disappointed that I had gottenpregnant.
I guess, yeah, which at the timedidn't really bother me too bad
(08:40):
, but sorry.
That's okay, that is okay metoo bad, but, um, sorry, that's
okay, that is okay.
As I got older, I realized,like after I had, I was very
much on the path of I have toprove myself to everybody and
that's what I did.
Um, yeah, I didn't want to bethat.
(09:01):
Um, you know, I had great grades, grades I kept an, a average,
and I didn't want to be like thegirl that had a baby after high
school and did nothing.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
The girl that I heard a statistic that 93% of people
that get pregnant in high school.
That's exactly what happened.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
It is, you know, we saw it, there were a lot of.
I was pregnant with two othergirls.
Both had already given birthlike through the school year, so
I guess in that way I was luckyI actually had.
I went into labor or I was inlabor, I guess, at graduation,
but I went to the hospital theday after surprisingly, didn't
(09:43):
know I was in labor.
No water break on stage.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
So what happened to, um, what happened to your friend
group?
Did it kind of force both ofyou to grow up fast, or I very
much grew up like overnight, um,I did not go out.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
and like on the weekends, our son, he would stay
with our parents.
They were, they were, they wereamazing grandparents.
Yeah, very supportive of bothsets of parents.
Everybody fell in love with us.
He was born, he was, it wasperfect.
But, um, he still went out alot.
I went through like phaseswhere I would go out but I
(10:28):
wasn't 21.
Yeah, so that was an issue.
He turned 20 right after I wasborn and you know I just turned
18.
So I couldn't really go doanything.
My friends all went off toschool.
His friends went off to schoolAbout half and about half stayed
around and they were at ourhouse a lot, which was fine, you
(10:49):
know, they didn't cause issuesor anything, just sitting around
drinking.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Okay, you have him in June.
May, may, may, sorry, so youhad him at the end of May, and
then you went to college inAugust.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Yeah, I went to my college orientation very
pregnant, a lot of looks, butit's all right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
So what did you do with him while you were in class
?
Speaker 3 (11:12):
His mom kept him during the school days.
Okay, she retired.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I know you said the partying lifestyle didn't leave
it picked up more.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
And part of me was very understanding of that.
Um part of me, you part yeah,were y'all married?
No, yeah, okay no, um, wedidn't get married until
december 20.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Um, oh, two, three years later and I know you said
that he said for you to nevercomplain about his drinking.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
No, that was the one thing you know from the very
beginning Don't ever sayanything about your drinking and
we'll be fine.
And I did it For a while.
But, I wanted it to work.
That was 100%.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So you guys get married the next year, yeah, the
next year.
And then is that when you hadyour second.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
We got married.
Then I graduated college thatMay and I got a job teaching
fourth grade and got pregnantpretty quick.
We wanted to have another babyso we were actually trying.
I had a miscarriage but gotpregnant immediately right after
(12:25):
.
So that was great.
It was a great pregnancy.
Everything went perfect.
I was very much a nervous wreckin the beginning.
I didn't fully understand themiscarriage, what caused it.
I mean, honestly, I had to havea DNC.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
How far along were you when you had the miscarriage
?
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
I was pregnant.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I really didn't feel like.
I don't feel like it affectedme, because I didn't know I was
pregnant.
I was in a lot of pain onemorning before school and when I
got to school my mom took me tothe doctor.
I was pregnant, but I don'teven remember like the specifics
.
I had to go the next day forthem to do like the pregnancy
(13:08):
counts, uh-huh, to see if thepregnancy is moving along,
because I was in a lot of pain.
So we kind of knew immediately.
I remember calling on the wayhome from the doctor, didn't
know like we lost the baby yet.
So you know we were excited.
(13:29):
But then when I went back thenext day, like the counts were
down but I had to go every dayfor I had the DNC and then I had
to go to the office every dayfor a week to make sure
everything was complete, I guess, and then got pregnant.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
The next month and you said that pregnancy was
awesome.
It was.
You felt great through the yeahand it was planned.
It was planned.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
I really felt like it was my first pregnancy.
Mm-hmm, you know, to get toenjoy.
So I had my second yearteaching, six years apart.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Mm-hmm, you said y'all had bought your first
house, you both were working.
Yeah, your husband was takingcare of your finances, so
everything felt like it wasfalling into place.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, absolutely yeah , living the dream Relationships
, I guess with ex-girlfriendsthings became more secretive.
We had had, you know, the thirdkid is.
It's a big change, um, he wasagain.
It was a great pregnancy.
He's always supportive, heloves, loves kids, um, but it's
a lot, um.
I had gone back to school, um,and had just finished and that's
(14:39):
night school, yeah, for gradschool and he felt abandoned.
So that was the reasoning there.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
You forgave him again , yep, and he bought you a dog,
a dog.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
That was the go-to.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
And I do love a puppy .
Yes, but you know it was verymuch love, love, bombing.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I guess there's terms for all this stuff now oh yeah,
but um, very apologetic.
You know, there was always areason and that reason was
always something I did uh,blaming you yeah I guess in some
ways I did blame myself too.
I don't know why.
I mean, I sat plenty of nightswith just my kids.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Yeah, so everybody does.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, it's not a reason to and I, you know, I
didn't notice a change with useither there wasn't, wasn't like
a lack of affection, ordistance or anything.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
It was just the same, or at least that I didn't
notice.
So your third baby.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
He truly is, he's amazing.
But I became more mom focusedthan focused.
We'd always said, you know, thepartner comes first, because
that's the person you chose tobe with and the kids are.
You know what god gives you.
We were um, we were, I mean,best friends very close.
(16:10):
I do usually tend to give up myown identity when I'm with
people.
I don't know why that's a digdeeper, yeah, but uh, I made the
decision to be more of a mom, Iguess to destroy myself, which
sounds weird, but you know, justI was the one started.
You know, going to practices, tonot just dad going, not missing
(16:34):
any games, you know, notstaying home with other kids
there was a game.
It was more just trying to dothings, more all of us instead
of just one taking whateverchild has something.
Yeah, I mean, I feel that thatwas a positive time.
But he worked for his dadeventually did quit.
(16:57):
It had happened a few times.
He had texted me at work andsaid he wasn't going to work
anymore and he would always goback in like a couple of days.
But I don't know why this textwas different, but it was and it
was like you know.
I quit for real this time, didnot have a plan, did not
(17:23):
necessarily look to do anythingelse.
I guess the drinking increasedand by that point he would have
been unable to work and by theend it was buying two cases a
day.
At that time it was because Ido feel like when they were
(17:45):
sports wise, that was all withtheir dad.
I really didn't participate inthat much until I had to, and by
then it was all three of them Iwas at.
I was eating lunch at schooland I got a text that he was
looking at a gun on the coffeetable and just talked to his dad
(18:11):
and, you know, told him that hedidn't want to be alive anymore
.
I literally ran to my car.
His dad was already on the wayto our house and had gotten him,
had took the keys to the gunsafe and took him to their house
.
He wouldn't go in there, hewouldn't get out of the car at
(18:31):
their house.
But by the time I got therethey had got him out of the car.
He was extremely, extremelyintoxicated.
He could not walk.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
The man you fell in love with was nothing like this.
No.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
He was very sociable, charming with everyone To the
point like it probably cut on mynerves sometimes.
You know you go to a restaurant.
Yeah, he hasn't talked toeverybody.
Okay, and I'm, you know I go toa restaurant.
Yeah, he hasn't calledeverybody.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Okay, and I'm, you know, I'm quiet.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
Yeah, but yeah, when I got there, he was very angry
at everyone started going to eat.
Um, maybe past two weeks, andwe went to the tavern for new
year's eve with the kids and heordered a beer and my heart just
sunk oh yeah we got home and umwe got to an argument as much
(19:34):
as we ever argued.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Hardly at all yeah, yeah, because you don't like
anything to do with arguing orconfrontation Nope.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
So I took the kids.
My grandmother had a housenearby, took the kids, it was
empty and he called and calledand I went home that night.
He at first was hiding it well,I've got a question.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
So when he ordered that beer, yeah, was it just one
?
Yes, okay it was just one andhe thought he could do just one.
I think so, yeah, and be fine.
And when y'all got home, did hecontinue to drink?
Speaker 3 (20:14):
there was beer in the house that I didn't know about.
So when he went home, like Ijust heard the crack of the can.
Mm-hmm.
That was it.
It was like in the dining roombehind stuff he had been hiding
it.
When I found that out, like Ithrew it away.
But I mean, where am I going tothrow it away at the house.
(20:37):
Mm-hmm like I threw it away.
But I mean, where am I going tothrow it away?
At the house?
I put it, put that case in mytrunk when I left.
But he got more.
He went to the store and gotbeer and it.
Um, I'd say for a week he wasstill trying to hide it, Um, but
obviously, uh, I see all thetrash cans and dumpsters.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
So, yeah, it wasn't even there was no point in
hiding it it just it was backyeah, you had mentioned that he
stopped attending any kind ofschool functions.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, really social functions in general.
Social anxiety.
There was a lot of socialanxiety.
I felt like, and just even likegoing out to eat.
It was kind of.
He was like you know, I drinkso I can be social, yeah, which
(21:34):
I know people do.
Yeah, right, but not that much.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable.
A drink people do, yeah, right,but not that much.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable A
drink A drink, but it was notjust ever a drink, so it was
more didn't go out as much.
We really stopped visitingpeople, except our parents
Holidays were at our house, orhe didn't go, and the clincher
(22:04):
for me was playing for a travelball team.
They went to Pigeon Forge for atournament.
We got in the car I don't knowhow long it was, it really
wasn't that long he just said Ican't do it.
He said can you take me backhome?
And I was like what?
(22:26):
Like I can't go to Tennessee bymyself with all the kids.
And you know I knew a few ofthe other parents, but you know
we didn't have a hotel room oranything.
But I did, and the whole time Iwas there I was bitter, just
very bitter, because for so longhe didn't want me to go out
(22:50):
without him.
When I'm with someone, I'm withthat person.
Yeah, very loyal, very, alwaysbeen that way.
Yeah, very loyal Very.
Always been that way.
But I kind of felt abandonedand that's I knew I didn't want
to be married anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
That'd be scary to be .
Yeah, somewhere big like Pigeon, forge.
Yeah, it was enormous.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
It was at the Cal Ripken field, which is Right,
yeah.
I mean, it was an amazingexperience, yeah, the kids.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I'm glad we went, but had you ever been off by
yourself like that before?
Um?
Speaker 3 (23:28):
no, I I went.
I went to the beach with my momand sister.
Young, yeah, I was justhorribly moody the whole time.
Um, we were always together andso I was very attached, very
codependent.
No, we uh, even just going out,we would go together um with
(23:51):
friends, his friends, even myfriends.
That all that all changed.
But that was still five yearsbefore I actually left before
you actually left.
I kind of just cut myself offemotionally.
Um, still loved him, still mybest friend yeah, still had
great friendship.
He could not.
(24:12):
He could not be the husband ordad that we needed.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
How did you feel like around the other parents?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
I would say I was bitter because, like even the
divorced parents, were theretogether.
I was the only one Like youknow it was a big deal for the
kids it was.
You know they got to meet allthese MLB players and you know
that was right up their dad'salley.
Yeah, I really thought.
You know he loved baseball buthe just couldn't be there.
(24:44):
Um, I acted, I would say,pretty normal.
Um, I ended up just um stayingin a really, really shitty mot
motel with two other familieswe're staying at.
So the kids had a little poolto play in and you know they
(25:07):
still had a good time.
How did you stay five moreyears?
I guess it just became myroutine.
Kids were all playing sports,was driving at that point.
So you know he went to work andschool and did his thing.
Kind of.
He sort of isolated himself too.
He definitely took the most,let's say, verbal, emotional
(25:32):
abuse out of anyone.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Do you think there was resentment?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
there, sure, yeah, he's very emotional, like me.
If you cried, you got yelled at.
If I mean he, he said ithimself.
You know he wasn't allowed tohave any emotions so he doesn't
now just I worked a lot Istarted, um, selling teacher
things on a website and when Istarted doing that, it took
(26:00):
hours of, you know, creatingthings for my classroom and then
hours more making them to whereanybody any other teacher could
use them.
So I heavily delved into thatand I and I I will fully admit I
would sit on my laptop all thetime when I was at home, unless
(26:22):
the kids and I were goingsomewhere.
I very much, um, checked outand that is what I did, and
along with that you've got tomarket yourself and I got very
into Instagram.
I met a lot of friends,honestly, that I kind of talked
to.
I didn't know them in real lifebut, you know, just had similar
(26:45):
whatever's yeah, not justnecessarily my marriage, but,
you know, just teachingexperiences and things like that
and a lot of Facebook groupswith other teacher bloggers.
It was really a big thing, youknow, 10 years ago and it still
is, but I totally left thatworld behind.
(27:11):
If I worked, I would go pick upthe kids from school, we would
go back to my classroom, I wouldwork until it was time for
practice or until we went to eatand then practice or games were
usually.
You know, we wouldn't get hometill 10 o'clock and, uh, we
would all just go to bed yeahand that's how we lived.
(27:32):
I read, I read so many books umanything to just escape a lot
of TV.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
How many books would you read in a year?
You'd say Over 100 novelseasily.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
I mean, I read for and I loved it.
I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, I can get about five to ten pages a night and
it's like a sleeping pill for meand I would.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I mean I would stay up.
Oh my gosh, read, read, read,read, yeah, um, and it's.
It is a great escape, apositive, I would say.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I really tried to be positive in what I obsessed with
yeah not not detrimental yeah,when anyone we get to the end of
the book, it's like you lostfriends, because you just get to
know the character so well.
Absolutely, yeah.
So something that you told methat you guys always said was
(28:25):
that you felt like y'all choseeach other, yeah, and that your
marriage was more importantbecause you know, like with
empty nesters- yeah, like theyhave a problem with their lives
revolved around their kids andthey forgot.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
That's what happened to my parents.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Yep, yeah, and they forgot who they were.
Yeah, as a couple, and you saidthat you and your husband,
y'all weren't like that.
No, that you had always saidbefore that you had chosen each
other.
You know.
Speaker 3 (28:51):
I truly that was my soulmate, yeah, and I know.
I know he felt the same way.
Um, he was.
The good times were great um,and he was a great bullshitter,
but I do I know that he loved usum, he just couldn't and
(29:14):
couldn't take care of us, um,and even got to the point where
he was always asleep.
Always asleep, I mean wedefinitely still spent time
together.
It was just being lazy, thoughI say we hit it very well.
I always made excuses for him.
(29:35):
You know he doesn't feel good,but people knew um, really, the
baseball field is really whereit was noticed because he had
been with the same people um,the same families, you know,
with each kid and you really dogo close, grow close right,
especially in this smallcommunity.
You know it's the same peopleevery season baseball right,
(29:57):
yeah, and um, I, you know, Imade a lot of friends and we
made a lot of friends, not that,not friends that we would go
out with, but, um, friends thatwere always at the games we sat
with.
You know, we talked to and hestopped going and people started
kind of bringing it up and thenpeople just kind of like I knew
(30:20):
they were talking about it, buthe didn't care, I was, you know
, like it's not their business.
You know, it was always hestill.
I still had it in my mind thathe still took care of us.
Um, he did still pay all thebills and um, I guess in my mind
that was taking care of us, butI really had no idea about our
(30:45):
finances at all.
I knew what I made, I knew whatthe house payment was.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
We both spent a lot of money Now did you have pretty
good income coming in from thethat teacher website?
Speaker 3 (31:00):
yeah, and with some plans and I have, you know, I've
got two degrees and nationalboards.
I did anything I could, um,when we, when teachers, still
had the opportunity to getstipends for things like that,
yeah, that last kind of erawhere you still got paid for
(31:21):
national boards and they paidfor you to go back to school.
So I definitely took advantageof those things in my very early
career.
I had done all that by my thirdyear, yeah, so I just and again
, that was still just provingmyself constantly, in every way.
(31:44):
I did not want to be a teenagemom, I didn't want to ever be
associated with that.
Just, you know, I know thingsthat people said because they
would say them in front of me,not even realizing, hey, you
know that might offend her.
But, um, that's probably one ofthe only things I will voice my
opinion about, because, it'snot a death sentence and you can
(32:07):
still have a great life.
And uh, just very.
I mean, always gave meattention, always complimenting,
always.
You know you're beautiful and Iguess as long as I felt like I
was still loved, that it wouldbe okay.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So you became the best teacher in your school.
Right I did.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, so I put everything into children, yeah,
my own and others.
Yeah, I, um, I've always.
I just love being around kidsyeah, they're just fun and yeah
they're honest and don't takeeverything so seriously, and I
love that you needed thatescapism absolutely and put my
(33:00):
heart and soul in it.
He was always very proud of me,uh-huh.
He loved.
He loved hearing about the kidsand I always felt like he knew
them.
Yeah, um, because he did, heardstories about him all the time.
He knew everybody's name, um,or their code names.
That was what I poured myselfinto because it wasn't at home,
(33:22):
yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
And depressing your life.
I'm sure it felt like it wasjust on repeat.
Yeah, what happened in April of2020 that made you say this is
it?
Speaker 3 (33:33):
I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
COVID.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
We were home and really was spending 24 hours a
day in the house with him.
I was very I wouldn't say naiveabout it, because I didn't have
to drive him to buy the alcohol.
But I guess just seeing it inperson was very different.
(33:57):
I don't think he in person wasvery different.
Um, I don't think he ever feltI was unhappy.
I am very good at hidingfeelings somehow, but, um, I was
very tired of everything bythat point.
So I kind of got you know.
Teaching from home became mynew passion.
(34:19):
I bought a big actually hebought me a big Mac.
That was another big purchase.
To keep me happy, I guess, Iset up like a little office.
I taught from home.
I didn't hate it, like mostpeople, but I spent the entire
(34:45):
day in front of a computerscreen, whether it was doing his
massive amounts of homework ormyself, with making awards for
the online awards day.
Doing everything online, I put Iput like so much into it, but
just because that's what Iwanted to be doing, I can't say
(35:08):
I hated it, I hated being athome all day and not not feeling
like I could I mean honestlycouldn't just go out and walk
around Target, or you know, Irealized how much money was
actually spent with the hobbies.
(35:28):
I guess because I was therewhen the packages came, instead
of not seeing things I even.
I really tried to like.
I was just trying to besupportive and be interested in
what he was.
Yeah.
To spend some time together.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
You told me that he he was rushed to the hospital.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Yeah, In April 2020.
He had a head and a nosebleedfor a few days.
I wouldn't say it was totallynot normal when the seasons
change he would get nosebleedsand the high blood pressure.
I do not know if he was takinghis medicine or not.
(36:17):
I don't think so because hehadn't been to the doctor and so
on but he it just would notstop bleeding and I couldn't get
him to wake up from the couchone day.
I mean, it was just bloodeverywhere.
Um, I called 911 and theambulance came.
(36:39):
Um, he did not have a pulse andum, they loaded him up real
quick.
They thought, um, they, theyasked me uh, what kind of drugs
he was on, you know, because ofthe nose bleeding, and I'm like
it's just alcohol and they'relike no way, and I'm like I
promise he's very anti-drugs.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yeah, very, very very much and cigarettes and
cigarettes and marijuana Likeanything but alcohol, anything
but alcohol.
It's terrible, but alcohol.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Um so, uh, this was the height, I would say, of the
pandemic around here.
I was not allowed to go intothe hospital, but I literally
sat in my car in the parking lot.
Um, I could not be away.
I was very, very scared and hewould die yeah um, not even if
it was just the nosebleed he wasgoing to get covid and he
wouldn't be able to fight it, orum, you know, the nurses would
(37:44):
call me um, they were having togive him alcohol because he was
going through withdrawals tobeing in the hospital and um, so
he was combative and, um, yeah,I've been through dementia with
my dad and being in thehospital and you know, once they
put you in restraints, it'skind of over yeah, yes, yes,
(38:09):
because you have to be able tobe without them for 24 hours.
So that time at the hospital hechecked himself out against
medical advice.
When I picked him up from thehospital, he was literally
wearing the robe, the hospitalgown.
I don't know if it was the nextday or two whole days.
The same thing happened againon the couch.
(38:32):
I called the ambulance.
They took him and this timethey admitted him to the
hospital.
He was there for four or fivedays and when he came out he
looked really good.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
So you were upset.
I know he seemed unaffected,like he was just ready to die, I
mean he just picked up beeryeah um.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
So I I felt like you know he had given up on his own
life yeah so what was I gonna do?
Right you can't, you cannot.
I don't be in any sort ofhealthy relationship with
someone who doesn't care ifthey're alive.
It was just so, not that hehadn't chosen alcohol over us,
(39:24):
but that time it was.
You have almost died, yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
How has that not affected you?
Yeah, how has that not made you?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
change.
It's opened your eyes yeah,nothing, but it affect you.
Yeah, how's it not make youchange?
Open your eyes yeah, nothingbut it didn't yeah.
And I, just I could not watchit.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Yeah, and that's when you made that decision.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
You were done Yep the kids even said they didn't
think it would be like for real.
I can remember just saying, oh,this is for real.
Yeah, it was really, really bad.
I knew if I went back home Iwould stay and I wouldn't leave
(40:05):
and it would just be repeatingthis pattern for the rest of my
life.
I could not do that, so I left.
I had no plan.
No plan um nothing.
Yeah, would not repeat that part.
I would definitely have had aplan for me and the boys yeah
but that's not what happened.
Speaker 1 (40:24):
So yeah, but you had a good reason because you felt
like if you went back to thathouse, I knew I would that you
wouldn't leave I know myselfenough to know that yeah so you,
so you made sure the boys werewith their grandparents, and
then you found a place.
Speaker 3 (40:39):
Stayed with a couple different people.
Then a friend from work hadlike an extra house.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yeah, yeah so.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
I stayed there for a little while, and then I found a
place to rent after about ayear.
Yeah, but I did not have mykids with me.
That was very hard, but I didnot.
I didn't feel like it would befair to them to leave everything
they had.
I guess I just made excuses tomyself, like they would be
(41:09):
better with their grandparentsbecause it was stable.
I felt like that was the bestthing.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
Again, I wouldn't do it that way, but we said that
about everything.
I mean hindsight's 20 abouteverything.
Yeah and it's easy to say that.
It is easy yeah, you did whatyou had to do.
Yeah, and it's not like theywere staying with people.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
They didn't right and and I made sure if they saw him
they were not alone.
They continue to do so.
They're comfortable and happy,and so that is fine with me.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:47):
Of course I would like it different, but they're
taken care of and they knowthey're loved and if they choose
to see their dad, they do theyare.
By the time I left, a lot ofthings came out from the two
older boys.
I guess they had realized morethan I thought.
(42:11):
We're catching on to things theway they were treated.
We're very vocal with him.
If he said anything to me, thatwas rude.
They would always say somethingback.
They were very supportive, butthey were 15 and 22.
(42:32):
By that point, maybe 14.
I mean my hope, not that theyneed to never drink or anything,
but that they see what canhappen when it's out of control,
when anything's out of control.
Any addiction, right, not justalcohol.
So they all have anxiety intheir own ways, but luckily not
(42:52):
using alcohol to deal with it.
So how are you today?
Even though I am crying rightnow, I, um, I'm gonna.
I feel like I am a muchstronger individual.
I don't feel like I am.
Speaker 2 (43:09):
I'm not I don't live in like a dreamy world anymore.
Speaker 3 (43:12):
I'm very much more reality.
Things are what they are to me.
I don't make big deals aboutthings because I know that's way
worse.
There's something way worse orsomebody's dealing with
something way worse.
Yeah.
It definitely puts things intoperspective.
I do feel it could have beenway worse.
(43:36):
It could have been physicallyabusive.
So I do try to not make myselffeel better, but but know that
like I will not be in thatsituation again yeah if I drink
at all, maybe a couple times ayear.
I have no, no desire fordrinking, um, don't really like
to be around it yeah rememberyou told me people yeah like
(43:59):
bother me.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yeah, you can't even stand to hear.
Just even the crack of even asoda can just takes you right
back so I really like living ina house where there's not beer
and or soda can lots of sodacans like it was.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
I remember trash days , hearing the recycling bin
being picked up and just thehundreds of cans.
Um, it was wild.
I mean, I could still hear thatand in many ways I am better
because of it, but I still havenot worked through a lot yeah,
(44:43):
well, it's gonna take a longtime.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
I mean, it took a long time to get here, yeah, and
so it's gonna take a long timeto get over.
Speaker 1 (44:49):
Yeah, do you feel like you're a much better
balanced person?
I feel like, I like.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
I am.
I don't I think I did such agood job of faking it for so
long.
I don't.
At least I don't act likeeverything's fine all the time.
You know I don't have to makeexcuses.
For anybody which is nice isfor anybody which is nice.
(45:19):
I feel like I'm almost veryaware of manipulation and like
even with children, just lookingat things differently, I'm very
open.
If somebody brings it up, Idon't get embarrassed about it.
I mean, it was what it was.
I do not regret was what it was.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
I do not regret um.
That was 22 years of my 42years, have you?
Speaker 3 (45:42):
ever felt angry.
Oh yeah, god um.
No, I um, I can't even say Ireally felt all that angry at
all.
Um, I never blamed god um drinkbecause they want to, but the
the drive has to be there, sothat's why I'm not ashamed or
embarrassed by any of it.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
It's just how my life went for 20 years.
Yeah.
I don't feel I really blamedanybody, but the psychology of
it.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Yeah, you're now in a much better place.
You're much more independentbecause you went straight from
living in your parents' househigh school, you know to living
in the lake house, right, yeah,okay, no, in between, never on
my own.
No in between.
Yeah, and then y'all livedtogether for 20 years, yeah, 22,
(46:36):
yeah, and then you move out andyou're finally yeah, on your
own and so at 40 yeah, you hadto learn a lot of independence,
yeah I um, as ridiculous as itsounds, I never paid bills.
Speaker 3 (46:51):
I never really paid attention to finances.
All that was very new to me.
My name was never on a car.
Many of those things are.
I looked at them as being takencare of, so I know better now
and that the February of 2020, Iinsisted that the car that I
(47:16):
got be in my name, and thank God.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (47:18):
Because I wouldn't have even had that.
Yeah, you know, I didn't havemy own bank account, nothing
ever, so it's been eye opening.
I feel like I do okay.
Yeah, still learning how tomanage things, especially
finances.
Speaker 1 (47:35):
You know like everybody goes down that dark
path with all that you've beenthrough.
When you start going down thatdark path, how do you get
yourself out?
Speaker 3 (47:46):
I finally feel like it's the first year I am happy
at work and really truly enjoyand love the kids that I'm
teaching and they are asexhausting as they can be A
great way to kind of levelmyself out.
You have to be there for themand they have so much going on
(48:10):
too.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Some of them have atrocious things that have
already happened to them inseven years.
I feel like I have a lot ofempathy.
Yeah, I was going to say don'tyou feel like you can totally
relate?
I do.
Speaker 3 (48:22):
I'm extremely empathetic, anyway Not
necessarily in all the positiveways, but I kind of feel like
that's my role right now Ourkids, kind of helping them when
they need me.
Yeah, they're all older gettingolder, just kind of doing
things that I enjoy for thefirst time in a long time.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
You are doing a lot of stuff Concerts- and that's
how I was before yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
As a teenager, just constantly.
I was always out around lots ofpeople, concerts, anywhere,
somebody's house.
I was never a homebody.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
Yeah.
And then you time went on.
You became a hermit, yeah.
And now you're learning how tolive again.
Speaker 3 (49:07):
Yeah, that's been a hard transition because it can
definitely come off as beinglazy, but it was really how our
life was.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
Yeah, do you mind sharing with the audience
something that really botheredyou, that one of your bosses
said to you or said about you?
Speaker 3 (49:26):
So there's actually been a few, but last year at
work it was a very difficultyear for our school.
We were under a lot of pressureor not been performing well as
a school.
But if you come to our schoolyou know immediately.
It is not the teachers Right.
(49:48):
It is an amazing place to workLike.
The people I work with are soamazing and love like genuinely
love children and we love eachother.
I had a principal once and hesaid you know, principals come
and go, but your coworkers areyour family here, and so true.
(50:10):
We've been through a lot ofprincipals and we were having a
big meeting.
It was very uncomfortable.
We were in the cafeteria andthey had just shown us a video
of a pretty well-known principal.
That sounds weird to say, butsocial media wise, he basically
(50:33):
runs a company and calls it aschool.
It's a very intense place towork.
It is not somewhere a typicalperson would be happy working.
The environment is very highpressure and none of that was
taken into consideration,probably because she didn't know
any of that.
But through my years on socialmedia I had friends that had
(50:56):
worked there.
I saw teachers commit suicidethat worked there.
Oh gosh, it's very intense.
Do they do amazing things,absolutely, but at what cost?
And she showed us a videobasically how teachers are to
blame for making children wussesLike we wusses Like we
(51:17):
wussified America.
That's not teachers.
We don't raise the children.
First of all, that offended me,and it offended me in general,
because she knew nothing aboutthe work environment that this
man created and the extremepressure that the teachers are
under for, basically, celebrity,just everything is over the top
(51:39):
.
And that's not reality.
And she literally said this iswhat we've done to our kids.
This is why they are notsuccessful.
We baby them and make excusesfor them, and we have just made
them wusses.
And I raised my little hand Isaid do you know the kind of
environment that his teacherswork under?
(52:01):
And she's like I mean, yeah, Isaid so.
You know that they have atleast one, if not two, teachers
that committed suicide, um, andthat they're not allowed to take
a day off and if someone is outfor some major reason, anyone
could be asked to teach theclass.
Like it's not.
(52:23):
This is not our reality here.
It is not a private school withbillions of dollars of income.
We work with what we get fromparents.
And she just made a commentabout.
I don't even remember what shesaid to me, but it had something
to do with the old and shewould use that a lot.
(52:46):
We had a new assistantprincipal last year and he even
said I'm like how can you saythat you don't know?
You've never met the old.
This is the only one you knowat it.
I'm like how can you say that?
you don't know, you've never metthe old.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
This is the only one you know, and she is a wreck,
right, okay, and she knows it.
But um, the old stay at schooltill six anything.
Speaker 3 (53:04):
The boss asked um make anything.
The paintings hang in thatschool.
I did them.
Uh, the paintings on the wallmy friends did for free.
We did everything for free, outof obligation and you know we
wanted to to a certain extent.
Um, and I just said I told herto.
(53:26):
I didn't want to ever hearthose words from her mouth again
yeah, um the old's not aroundthe old was not around.
The old was sad.
The old was at work all thetime because she didn't want to
be at home and I was never goingto be her again.
There are definitely times thatI was not doing my job like I
should have been.
(53:46):
I was very checked out the verynext year, but I was really
happy personally but notprofessionally, and so it kind
of absolutely just changed gearsfor me, where I'd always been
happy with myself professionallybut not personally, yeah.
(54:07):
So it took me until this year,I think, to find a good
work-home life balance whenyou're happy.
Speaker 1 (54:14):
personally, those are important things get taken care
of yeah, yeah, you're talkingabout the old versus the new.
You've made the statement thatsome people aren't around
anymore.
Yeah, they don't really likethe new as much.
Speaker 3 (54:30):
I would say I quit caring about kind of the same
things that I had in the past.
I feel like my priorities havechanged.
I think some of that is maybethe way I did it.
I know some people think Iabandoned my family, my husband.
(54:51):
I wasn't someone who was goingto look for a relationship
outside of marriage.
If I ever wanted to move on,that was the only way To have
any sort of life outside of thatmarriage and in my opinion, if
I don't want to be married, Ishouldn't be Because that's not
going to be a good marriage.
We many times had alreadyworked through things, I had
(55:14):
already stayed so many times andI don't really think people
realize that because I didn'ttalk about it.
It was 2020 when I left and Ikind of felt like I should
probably talk to someone.
But it was virtual, yeah, and I, if I am in front of you, I
(55:37):
can't hide anything, but if I'mon a computer screen I can
fidget and do whatever.
And you're not going to know it.
So I only did the initialtherapy.
I told her I was just reallyconcerned because I wasn't upset
, I wasn't angry, I just kind ofleft and that was it.
(56:00):
I didn't Were you feeling kindof dead inside?
Yeah, I was.
I didn't talk to be called, Iignored it.
I didn't block text, but Iwould.
I never responded.
I never responded to a text oran email.
If I answered the phone, I hadno problem, like hanging up if
(56:23):
it got ugly.
And I told her, you know I feltalmost guilty for not feeling
bad.
And she, she made a very goodpoint.
She said you know, you'vemourned the loss of your
marriage for five years.
Yeah, They've kind of beenthrough the grieving process.
If they mention him, I just askhow he's doing.
(56:45):
I usually get a smart-assanswer, so that makes me laugh.
They are, they're, very,they're way more understanding
than I probably would have beenat their age.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
If there's, you know.
You know there's women outthere that are feeling the exact
same way.
Yeah, what would you say to thewomen who feel like if I leave,
he's going to die?
Speaker 3 (57:09):
Yeah, he's not.
I heard a quote about guiltthat really resonated with me.
It said guilt is very selfish.
If you think you have that muchinfluence over another person
that you think you caused asuicide or a relapse or you know
(57:31):
why, would you think that hasnothing to do with you.
Like, guilt is selfish and I'vereally embraced that because
it's not my fault.
Yeah, If you're living with it.
It's not your fault thatthey're drinking, no matter what
they tell you.
You're not making their life sodifficult, that they need to
(57:52):
drink because you know that'ssomething I think a lot of say
um, just to kind of put theblame somewhere else.
You know, whatever happens onceyou leave is not not on you.
That person isn't their ownindividual and, um, they need to
take some responsibilitythemselves.
(58:13):
Yeah, I would say I did notsupport it, but I did not.
Speaker 1 (58:18):
That's another thing like a lot of you know, a lot of
spouses feel like I guess thatthey need to join in the
drinking this.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
Yeah, yeah um, I think I had the opposite effect
on me.
I knew I needed to be sober.
Um, in case something happenedwhen you first shared your story
with me.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
I mentioned to you before that I always try to read
the Bible.
Yeah, what's the date I cameacross?
Philippians 3.13.
No, dear friends, I'm still notall I should be, but I am
focusing all my energies On thisone thing, thank you.
God just has a way of speakingto us in ways that we don't
(59:21):
expect, like, uh, for example, Ihad a co-worker who she'd gone
through cancer, breast cancertreatments, and she, she beat it
, but months later it affectedher digestive system and she got
where she could not eatanything or digest, and, um, she
was admitted into baptisthospital and went to salem and
she ended up passing away.
(59:43):
And I mean, it was just, wecouldn't believe it.
We thought she would.
I mean, she'd already beatcancer.
We thought she would, you know,beat that as well.
And that night, the chapterI've been reading, the first
verse for the next chapter wasin my father's house.
There are many rooms, and shewas a devout Catholic and she
(01:00:06):
always gave God credit.
Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
So yeah, it's just amazing the way he speaks.
I would be easy to blamesomething.
Yeah.
But I don't think there is.
I don't think God providesanyone with suffering.
Maybe just a way out.
Yeah, to open a new door?
Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Yes, yeah, and to be able to just help other people
too, yeah.
Absolutely Well hey, Iappreciate.
I so appreciate you coming on.
Speaker 3 (01:00:36):
I'm not very emotional, but it's not.
It's not regret or sadness forwhat I went through, it's just
facing it thank you forlistening to this episode of
beyond existing.
Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
many thanks to my guests and also to crystal webb
and her middle school jazz bandfor supplying the music when the
Saints come marching in.
If there's something that youwould like to share with me or a
topic that you would like tohear discussed, there's a link
in the show's description, sojust send me a text.
Please share the show withfriends and family to help grow
(01:01:11):
the podcast and be sure tofollow wherever you listen to
podcasts.
Popular Podcasts
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com