July 28, 2025 • 5 mins
Listen to full audiobooks for free on : https://hotaudiobook.com/free Title: What Would Beyoncé Do?! Author: Luisa Omielan Narrator: Luisa Omielan Format: Unabridged Length: 7 hrs and 10 mins Language: English Release date: 07-14-16 Publisher: Random House Audiobooks Genres: Comedy, Memoirs Summary: You know when you find yourself approaching 30 and your dreams are broken? You've got a temping career going nowhere and a student debt that's mounting, and you've just had to move back into your mum's house. Then, to top it all off, you get absolutely annihilated with heartbreak because of an ex who is just 'not ready' but then manages to be ready, a week later, with someone else. And it is here, at your lowest point, that one of your best friends decides to remind you that you are the same age as Beyoncé. FML. Luisa Omielan is a stand-up comedian who turned her life around after she answered the mantra every person needs in their life: What Would Beyoncé Do?! Hilariously funny, wonderfully uplifting and brutally honest, Luisa's memoir shows us all that there is no situation in which Bey can't save the day. Contact: info@hotaudiobook.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Introduction, Chapter one, partition. Please hi Bob. My name is
Louisa and I'm thirty three years old. Well, i'll be
thirty four by the time you read this, maybe even
thirty five. Who knows when this book will get finished?
Is it even finished now? Guys, it's the audio book.
It's too late. I'll make it up as I go along.
I'm a comedian and I do live shows. That's what
(00:21):
I'm really good at. Like some comedians are really good
at writing jokes on Twitter, I am Rubbisher tit. But
when it comes to writing live shows, mate, I'm your girl,
saying that I'm currently typing this on my way back
from York where I just played to Silence in front
of four hundred people. So I guess it really depends
on which day you catch me. See with stand up,
you start with five minutes of material, and then you
work your way up a ten minute set, a twenty
(00:42):
minute set, and then the big one is writing an hour.
My debut hour is pretty epic. It's called what would
Beyonce Do? Hello? Cheeky book title. So how did this
book start? Good question? When will it be finished? Even
better question? So there I was doing one of my
many sellout runs at London Soho Theater. I've had seven.
After my shows, I like to stand by the exit
(01:02):
and say bye to the audience and sells and badges.
This is when a woman called Francesca comes up to
me and is like, Hi, I work for Randue House
and I'm like, oh, that's really cool hashtag never heard
of it, See you later bye. That was the first
step to the birth of this book. At the time,
I was touring my Beyonce show and was in the
process of writing the follow up and my right ladies,
my brain was mashed. I had no time to take
(01:25):
on any other projects. You see, my shows are all consuming.
I put everything I have into them. They are pretty
much a party with jokes in. You should totally come along.
I love them. They're a hoot. Francesca came twice, and
then again and then again. I was like, may you're
making this awkward, Please be cool. She said, please consider
writing the book. Random House is a massive publisher. I
would love to help you get the story out there.
(01:45):
I laughed in her face and told her no. But
I'm pretty sure that I used the rejection with a
free badge. Now, when it comes to writing things down.
I'm rubbish. See Twitter and my Facebook page. What do
you mean you haven't liked my Facebook page yet? How
did you even hear about this book? I get bored
so easily and have the attention span of a flea.
When I'm not doing shows, I just want to get
lost in American television. I'm really into the Good Wife
(02:06):
at the moment, and I keep saying objection overruled in
confusing circumstances, like in Starbucks, would you like chocolate on
top of your latte? Objection overalled? Ps do not watch
season five unless you are ready to cry. I also
love House, and every time I get sick, I'm like,
I swear this could be lupas, which is a ridiculous
idea because it's never lupus. I even tweeted Hughlorie one
(02:28):
saying please can we have sex? Keep the limp and
bring stick, but he never replied he's probably still grieving
over Wilson. Sorry spoiler alert, I should have won you.
I've just finished watching Sons of Anarchy taps nose to
all the SA fans of the reference. See what I
mean by my attention span? Anyway? I can't cope. I
keep calling everyone brother and saying, let's bring this to
the table mate. That final series was like watching Shakespeare.
(02:50):
It's beautiful. Watching box sets is one of the many
things that I've been focusing on in an attempt to
avoid writing this book. Here are some others. Number one
rewatching Criminal Minds up in twenty Please Came, Penelope and
Morgan Kiss. Two painting the skirting boards at my mum's house.
Three learning all the words to the Sons of Adochy albums.
Four putting together a nineties playlist, including Umbup and the
(03:11):
Ensign version of Everything Our Own and Usher Separated. I'm
sorry we didn't make it. Five watching Lemonade. Yes, Queen Beyonce,
you are the goddess. This wasn't a distraction. It was
imperative to my personal growth. Six washing up my makeup brushes.
I even found a makeup brush cleaner on eBay. It's
really caught. It's like a map that you wipe the
brushes on. Anyway, I digress. What was my point again? Oh? Yes,
(03:34):
have a short attention span. So when it came to
writing my first solo show, I basically wrote a show
that would appeal to someone with minimal attention span, who's
a sucker for pop culture references? Turns out there's loads
of us out there. Hello ADHD hashtag not a thing,
hashtag totally a thing? Hashtag who said that? Fast forward
to twenty fifteen. I am still very grounded and humble
(03:54):
and still catch public transport. I was invited out to
Australia and asked to perform for three minutes for Australian television.
I performed three minutes of pulling my pants down and
telling a joke about the fire gap at the gig.
No one really laughed, and now I was just a
mental woman with a London accent and no trousers on. However,
the people of Facebook loved it. It got shared and
shared and has sin semastered over thirty five million views.
(04:16):
After all the years of work and hours I'd put
in trying to master comedy, it was pulling my trousers
down that got the mass appeal. Dreams really can come true.
Once the clip went viral, I got really excited and
thought wicked, maybe finally I'll be able to earn some
money and take the cling film off my windows because
I can't afford the heating bills double glazing on a budget.
Maybe I can buy my own place. Maybe this is it.
(04:38):
I called my agent Debbie. Surely this thigh gap viral
clip will help me get on telling now live at
the Apollo, Jonathan Ross Loose women, come on. Body image
is huge and the views of my jokes are going
up by the thousands every day. Sorry, Louise of the
book for Jonathan Ross needed to see you live, but
she couldn't get a babysitter and live at the Apollo.
Say that you're not ready yet not ready? What do
you mean I'm not ready? One millions of views from
(04:58):
one joke. Show me
Introduction, Chapter one, partition. Please hi Bob. My name is
Louisa and I'm thirty three years old. Well, i'll be
thirty four by the time you read this, maybe even
thirty five. Who knows when this book will get finished?
Is it even finished now? Guys, it's the audio book.
It's too late. I'll make it up as I go along.
I'm a comedian and I do live shows. That's what
(00:21):
I'm really good at. Like some comedians are really good
at writing jokes on Twitter, I am Rubbisher tit. But
when it comes to writing live shows, mate, I'm your girl,
saying that I'm currently typing this on my way back
from York where I just played to Silence in front
of four hundred people. So I guess it really depends
on which day you catch me. See with stand up,
you start with five minutes of material, and then you
work your way up a ten minute set, a twenty
(00:42):
minute set, and then the big one is writing an hour.
My debut hour is pretty epic. It's called what would
Beyonce Do? Hello? Cheeky book title. So how did this
book start? Good question? When will it be finished? Even
better question? So there I was doing one of my
many sellout runs at London Soho Theater. I've had seven.
After my shows, I like to stand by the exit
(01:02):
and say bye to the audience and sells and badges.
This is when a woman called Francesca comes up to
me and is like, Hi, I work for Randue House
and I'm like, oh, that's really cool hashtag never heard
of it, See you later bye. That was the first
step to the birth of this book. At the time,
I was touring my Beyonce show and was in the
process of writing the follow up and my right ladies,
my brain was mashed. I had no time to take
(01:25):
on any other projects. You see, my shows are all consuming.
I put everything I have into them. They are pretty
much a party with jokes in. You should totally come along.
I love them. They're a hoot. Francesca came twice, and
then again and then again. I was like, may you're
making this awkward, Please be cool. She said, please consider
writing the book. Random House is a massive publisher. I
would love to help you get the story out there.
(01:45):
I laughed in her face and told her no. But
I'm pretty sure that I used the rejection with a
free badge. Now, when it comes to writing things down.
I'm rubbish. See Twitter and my Facebook page. What do
you mean you haven't liked my Facebook page yet? How
did you even hear about this book? I get bored
so easily and have the attention span of a flea.
When I'm not doing shows, I just want to get
lost in American television. I'm really into the Good Wife
(02:06):
at the moment, and I keep saying objection overruled in
confusing circumstances, like in Starbucks, would you like chocolate on
top of your latte? Objection overalled? Ps do not watch
season five unless you are ready to cry. I also
love House, and every time I get sick, I'm like,
I swear this could be lupas, which is a ridiculous
idea because it's never lupus. I even tweeted Hughlorie one
(02:28):
saying please can we have sex? Keep the limp and
bring stick, but he never replied he's probably still grieving
over Wilson. Sorry spoiler alert, I should have won you.
I've just finished watching Sons of Anarchy taps nose to
all the SA fans of the reference. See what I
mean by my attention span? Anyway? I can't cope. I
keep calling everyone brother and saying, let's bring this to
the table mate. That final series was like watching Shakespeare.
(02:50):
It's beautiful. Watching box sets is one of the many
things that I've been focusing on in an attempt to
avoid writing this book. Here are some others. Number one
rewatching Criminal Minds up in twenty Please Came, Penelope and
Morgan Kiss. Two painting the skirting boards at my mum's house.
Three learning all the words to the Sons of Adochy albums.
Four putting together a nineties playlist, including Umbup and the
(03:11):
Ensign version of Everything Our Own and Usher Separated. I'm
sorry we didn't make it. Five watching Lemonade. Yes, Queen Beyonce,
you are the goddess. This wasn't a distraction. It was
imperative to my personal growth. Six washing up my makeup brushes.
I even found a makeup brush cleaner on eBay. It's
really caught. It's like a map that you wipe the
brushes on. Anyway, I digress. What was my point again? Oh? Yes,
(03:34):
have a short attention span. So when it came to
writing my first solo show, I basically wrote a show
that would appeal to someone with minimal attention span, who's
a sucker for pop culture references? Turns out there's loads
of us out there. Hello ADHD hashtag not a thing,
hashtag totally a thing? Hashtag who said that? Fast forward
to twenty fifteen. I am still very grounded and humble
(03:54):
and still catch public transport. I was invited out to
Australia and asked to perform for three minutes for Australian television.
I performed three minutes of pulling my pants down and
telling a joke about the fire gap at the gig.
No one really laughed, and now I was just a
mental woman with a London accent and no trousers on. However,
the people of Facebook loved it. It got shared and
shared and has sin semastered over thirty five million views.
(04:16):
After all the years of work and hours I'd put
in trying to master comedy, it was pulling my trousers
down that got the mass appeal. Dreams really can come true.
Once the clip went viral, I got really excited and
thought wicked, maybe finally I'll be able to earn some
money and take the cling film off my windows because
I can't afford the heating bills double glazing on a budget.
Maybe I can buy my own place. Maybe this is it.
(04:38):
I called my agent Debbie. Surely this thigh gap viral
clip will help me get on telling now live at
the Apollo, Jonathan Ross Loose women, come on. Body image
is huge and the views of my jokes are going
up by the thousands every day. Sorry, Louise of the
book for Jonathan Ross needed to see you live, but
she couldn't get a babysitter and live at the Apollo.
Say that you're not ready yet not ready? What do
you mean I'm not ready? One millions of views from
(04:58):
one joke. Show me
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!