April 8, 2025 • 54 mins
Series four of Chat out of Hell is just around the corner, but first, it's FILM CLUB PART III!
Our films this time are a real dichotomy - Meat Loaf plays both himself and his own obsessive fan in Dead Ringer, then he plays a sex-mad creature of the night in Bloodrayne. Or possibly I've said that the wrong way around.
These are, and I can't stress this enough, dreadful films. You should not under any circumstances watch them. We've done the hard work so you don't have to.
Chat out of Hell returns for series 4 on Monday 21st April with a discussion of Jim Steinman's first dramatic work, the Dream Engine (Dream Engine... Dreams...) before Sam and Emma go off to watch the Bat out of Hell stage show.
Keep your comments, reviews and arguments flying in to chatoutofhell@gmail.com
Chat out of Hell is a is a review podcast: all music extracts are used for review/illustrative purposes. To hear the songs in full please buy them from your local record shop or streaming platform. Don't do a piracy.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sam (00:02):
What is this?
Emma (00:04):
This is Chat out of Hell Film Club where we take two
films featuring or adjacent toMeat Loaf and or Jim Steinman,
and we watch them against ourbetter judgment so that you
don't have to, you can if youlike, I'm not stopping you, I'm
not your mum, but don't gooutside instead, spend time with
(00:25):
your loved ones.
Feel the grass beneath yourfeet.
Sam (00:29):
Who is Meat Loaf?
Emma (00:30):
Meat Loaf was a singer, writer and actor, an all round
renaissance man.
Also a man who had anex-girlfriend called Candy
Darling.
Sam (00:39):
Of
Emma (00:40):
Who's Jim Steinman?
Sam (00:41):
Jim Steinman is a man who had no material involvement with
the films we're discussingtoday, so I wouldn't worry about
it.
Okay, I bet he'd have liked
Emma (00:49):
one of those.
Who are we?
Sam (00:52):
We are Sam Wilkinson and Emma Crossland.
Two comedians who have had a bitof a break from podcasting and
are both hoping we can rememberhow to do it.
Welcome to Chat Out of Hell FilmClub Bow Now.
Now
Emma (01:08):
Bing
Sam (01:10):
films.
Emma (01:13):
It all sounds like, we've got a dog to do those bits.
Sam (01:16):
Films,
Emma (01:17):
sausages.
Hi Sam.
Sam (01:21):
Hi Emma.
So this is sort of, it's notquite series four, this is the
void between series.
Emma (01:28):
Oh, what a void.
Sam (01:31):
We've had six whole weeks of not thinking about the work
of Meat Loaf.
Was that a nice six weeks?
nice week.
All I'm saying is that springhas arrived in that time and I
don't think that's acoincidence.
Emma (01:46):
But now, we're back on all bullshit.
Winter is
Sam (01:49):
Yes.
Leaves will fall off the treesimmediately.
Darkness will reign.
Emma (01:55):
Rayne.
Oh, it's nice to be back innit.
Sam (01:57):
Hello listeners as always, this is our special film club
where we're not gonna talk aboutany Meat Loaf or Jim Steinman
music.
So if that doesn't interest you.
Yeah, fair enough.
We'll see you in two weeks timefor the proper start of series
four.
Everybody else.
Hello.
Hi.
Welcome back.
Um, I know we say this everytime we do a film club, and Emma
(02:20):
said it at the beginning, don'twatch these films.
Emma (02:26):
There're, only a finite number of hours in your
Sam (02:29):
Yes.
Emma (02:31):
Don't waste them with this.
Like do listen to the podcast'cause you can do that while
you're doing other things like.
As, you know, driving
Sam (02:38):
Emma, what movies for our American cousins?
Movies.
What movies have we selected forour film club?
Emma (02:47):
Well, I've brought Dead Ringer, which was the supposed
promo movie for the album, DeadRinger that never really
surfaced.
What did you bring?
Sam (02:57):
I brought the film Bloodrayne, which was a tie-in
movie to a video game calledBloodrayne, which came out in
2005.
And Meat Loaf was in it a bit.
Emma (03:11):
Good.
Meat Loaf was in, Dead Ringer a
Sam (03:13):
lot.
Yeah.
'cause it's a, it's a film byand about Meat Loaf Shall we
talk about that one first?
Yes.
Okay.
So listeners go away, don'twatch Dead Ringer.
It's quite hard to watch anyway.
'cause I don't think it was everofficially released.
Emma (03:26):
you can't find it on the YouTubes.
Sam (03:27):
You can find it on the YouTubes, but I believe even in,
in edited form.
Emma (03:32):
Yeah.
I don't think we've seen thefull
Sam (03:34):
No, I think I did see on the Meat Loaf Reddit, there was
a showing of it in a cinema inthe US about six months ago.
So saw that go back in time andwatch it then, I guess.
but really you don't have to.
'cause as we've alreadymentioned, it's dreadful.
Emma, Emma tell us all aboutDead Ringer.
Emma (03:52):
Dead Ringer is part documentary, part fiction.
All bullshit, Meat Loaf who isplaying himself.
Is becoming increasinglyoverwhelmed with the inane
demands, of an artist releasingan album.
Would you say that that's a fairplace that
Sam (04:10):
Yeah.
Some very cheap opening credits
Emma (04:13):
Oh, dreadful opening
Sam (04:14):
credits.
Reminded me of an episode ofDallas.
Yeah.
A mysterious man bought a hotdog and then didn't eat it.
And then we see Meat Loaf.
His limo doesn't start.
So he grumpily goes for a walk.
And Meat Loaf is just a grumpygus for the rest of this film.
Emma (04:29):
an absolute dick, isn't he?
Sam (04:30):
he?
He's such a miserable fucker.
Meat Loaf grumps on down theroad.
He grumps about not being ableto use the payphone.
He wants Grump grump grump.
He grumps down the phone lineabout not wanting a mechanic.
He wants a tow truck.
Grump.
Grump grump.
He should be called Grump Loaf.
Emma (04:46):
interspersed with Grump Loaf.
You keep getting the mysteriousman, walking down the road, he
keeps buying food and throwingit away.
So he's clearly on some kind ofweird restrictive
Sam (04:55):
Yes..
Emma (04:56):
Bat out of hell Plays
Sam (04:57):
and then when we finally see Marvin's face, he looks
exactly like Roland Browningfrom
Emma (05:02):
Yes.
Yes, he does.
Roland Roland,
Sam (05:04):
Roland Roland.
Yes.
Uh, for American listeners Yes.
For our American listeners.
And anybody born after 1986,Grange Hill was a children's
soap opera set in a school, andRoland Browning was the
stereotype nerd in it.
Emma (05:24):
Yeah.
Sam (05:24):
before you and I I think were born even.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We we still are in
Emma (05:29):
Well, I saw, yeah.
I remember watching it on Sundaymornings in
Sam (05:32):
the school holidays.
school holidays
Emma (05:33):
holidays and things like that.
Yeah.
At 11 o'clock.
Yep.
Ah, Sausage.
Sam (05:43):
Sorry, Americans.
Anyway, back to the film.
Emma (05:48):
must we,
Sam (05:48):
the character Marvin looks like Roland from Grange Hill.
He's also played by Meat Loaf.
He goes home to his brother andwe learn he's on a restrictive
Emma (05:57):
it's papaya day in their diet.
Sam (06:00):
Yes.
Tomorrow is watermelon day andin six
Emma (06:03):
days it's, what is this diet?
The one food a day diet.
The under
Sam (06:09):
the 1980s was the peak time for fad
Emma (06:11):
diet.
It was, but they go on quite alot about how horrible papaya
is.
Sam (06:16):
papaya is all right, but do you want to eat it all day?
No.
And think of what that's gonnado to you digestively.
Emma (06:23):
Oh.
Especially when you've gotwatermelon day the next day.
Good God.
Sam (06:29):
I'm looking forward to bagel day.
It's worth mentioning this now.
Marvin is completely
Emma (06:38):
mute.
Apart from his ability to singMeat Loaf
Sam (06:41):
So there is quite a sweet scene where they both rock out
to Meat Loaf.
And Marvin sings so well, notloudly necessarily, just, well,
that all the glass shatters
Emma (06:51):
including the glass in his thick glasses.
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
Meat Loaf's truck, arrives andit's not even a tow truck.
it's just a truck's, just apickup truck because he likes
pickup trucks.
And he never sits in the cab ofa pickup truck.
He always perches on the.
Back bit, whatever it's called.
in the truck bed.
And I wondered maybe he smellsand isn't allowed in the cab.
Sam (07:13):
Oh, like in a cartoon where hitchhiker get picked up.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
And have to
Emma (07:16):
sit in the back with the pig.
Yeah.
Meat Loaf is the pig.
maybe it's that, I dunno.
Maybe he's not house tRayneedenough.
Maybe he's likely to do a wee inthere.
I don't
Sam (07:25):
he gets a lift in the pickup truck and then he is
walking down the road and a manand his son asks for a signature
on a baseball.
Emma (07:32):
Yeah.
Why?
I assume it's just, that's allthey've got available.
Sam (07:38):
Oh.
But they've also got a pen.
Emma (07:40):
Well, maybe they were, I'm trying to come up with a
backstory this.
I'm probably trying a bit toohard.
Sam (07:48):
Anyway, he's, he gives him an autograph and then he walks
into his office.
Emma (07:52):
that office seems stressful.
It little
Sam (07:55):
Yeah.
Emma (07:56):
that was Meat Loaf's house.
Sam (07:58):
I find that easy to believe, bearing in mind how
cheap this whole film He'ssurrounded by performers and
clowns
Emma (08:04):
see, is some of this supposed to be satirical?
Sam (08:07):
Oh, I guess so.
Emma (08:10):
Oh, look at all these clowns in this industry.
because it's like a bit of acarnival, isn't it?
It I think some of this issupposed to be a go at satire.
You know, that they, they've hada go at doing some
Sam (08:23):
my review of this film is that it is the first draft of
Spinal Tap before they put thejokes in.
Emma (08:28):
Yes.
It has that kind of vibe to it.
Sam (08:31):
You can see the bits where the jokes are supposed to go.
But not
Emma (08:35):
just haven't written them.
Like when the secretaries allturn into military
Sam (08:38):
Yeah.
They're turn into soldiers toshow how overworked they are.
and then his managers keepignoring him.
Emma (08:44):
they're the worst.
He runs upstairs to talk to oneof his managers, who is on a
number of phones and ignoresMeat Loaf in favor of talking to
his mum.
Sam (08:53):
I missed that.
I, I have a little m in my notesevery time Maisie asked for
belly rubs
Emma (09:01):
I big m in this section.
Okay.
I'll cover this bit then.
aw.
Meat Loaf is clearly strugglingwith the idea of fame.
He sees his managers as baseballplayers.
He runs upstairs to talk toRichard, who features throughout
the
Sam (09:15):
Oh, was he called Richard?
Yes.
my notes just called him thesuit all the way
Emma (09:20):
His name's Richard.
it's another manager thatdoesn't listen to him.
Poor Meat Loaf.
He's being bothered by so manyunimportant problems, Poor poor
Meat Loaf.
then we get the Peel Out bit.
It's just the Peel Out musicvideo.
So in the back of the truck.
Then onto the live show.
As we covered in the lastepisode.
(09:42):
Was it We've covered itrecently, yeah.
I did take a teeny weenie mentalbreak during that bit thinking
we've covered this.
I don't need to think about it.
While that was on the screen, Itook the opportunity to play a
game on my phone.
Sam (09:58):
What game?
Emma (09:59):
It's one where you've gotta get a load of stuff into a
hole.
I think it's called All In Hole.
Sam (10:06):
That's funnier than anything in this film, isn't the
music video ends with him at theshow and apologizing for being
late in the most wooden actingI've ever
Emma (10:16):
seen.
Yep.
Sam (10:16):
That record doesn't last.
Then we cut back to Marvin, whowas at the park playing ball.
touch with with the boy who gothis ball signed by Meat Loaf.
Emma (10:28):
They spot the signature, and they run off to go and find
Meat Loaf's house.
There's this horrible bit wherethe boy's dad says,"well, they
stuck around longer than yourmother," which is so unpleasant.
Sam (10:43):
But it is functionally a joke, Emma.
Emma (10:47):
I suppose, but it's horrible.
Sam (10:51):
Maybe the mother was horrible.
That's why.
I mean, it sounds like she was
Emma (10:54):
maybe, or maybe it's just some eighties misogyny.
Sam (10:59):
50 50
Emma (11:00):
Sure.
Sam (11:01):
they leave the park not through the gates.
They just run the nearest walland climb over it.
Emma (11:07):
it.
That is a weird way of leaving apark, isn't it?
Marvin wants to meet Meat Loaf.
That's his, raison d'etre.
But they won't let him in thehouse.
Meat Loaf's already gone off inthe truck.
So Richard blags a lift withthem and half promises that they
can meet him.
But of course when they arriveat wherever the venue is, Marvin
(11:28):
and Russell are turfed outbecause they don't have passes.
And Richard's being a dick aboutit.
He just abandons them.
Sam (11:35):
He's a proper old dick.
He does loosen up as the
Emma (11:38):
goes off
Sam (11:39):
on,
Emma (11:40):
only in self-serving ways.
None of the characters in thisare in any way fleshed out.
We're using character in theloosest possible sense here.
there's no real backstories,there's no emotion.
There's only sort of vaguegoals.
(12:00):
what I'm saying is there's noStanislavsky methods involved
here.
Sam (12:04):
What?
Hang on.
You mean to say that nobody wentmethod in this?
Emma (12:07):
Nobody went method.
There's no emotion.
Memory, nothing.
Sam (12:10):
Oh.
It's much more Brechtian, isn'tit?
You should never forget that youare watching a bad film.
Emma (12:19):
And we never do.
We never do.
Sam (12:22):
The characters are not at all fleshed out, which leads us
onto the boring newsman.
Emma (12:27):
Oh,
Sam (12:28):
Ernie Weaver.
Ernie Weaver, the most boring TVpresenter in the world, who is
also, as the plot goes on, themost important TV presenter that
Meat Loaf has to be on his showto sell tickets.
This is an attempt at a joke.
Emma (12:43):
it is.
And I
Sam (12:44):
enjoy it a bit.
Emma (12:45):
Uh, I quite enjoy the bit where we can't ever name any of
the songs properly.
Yes.
Sam (12:50):
is one of two jokes that
Emma (12:51):
works Yes, I did quite like that.
What I also liked, Meat Loaf'sbeing interviewed by Ernie and
talking about his past Meat Loafalways makes up some bullshit
because that's what Meat Loafdoes.
So each time we meet Ernie, weget fresh bullshit.
and there's a flashback.
And this is another good jokebecause in the flashbacks, Meat
Loaf is playing himself as achild.
(13:12):
Yeah.
And it is just funny to see.
Yes, it is nicely done.
Bravo.
That
Sam (13:17):
They flashback to Meat Loaf's childhood life in a
school room.
And he is surrounded by 11 yearolds.
He introduces the flashback bysaying, I was always big, I was
always bigger than my mum anddad.
And adult Meat Loaf
Emma (13:31):
over the children.
Sam (13:34):
This first flashback, he gets singing lessons and is bad
at them.
Yes.
And then that is, he claims hismotivation for becoming a world
class mega singer.
Yeah.
And then later on there's aflashback where him and his
mates are playing out on bikesand it's
Emma (13:49):
adorable.
And then it cuts to themotorbikes.
Yeah.
It's very sweet.
Very, that's the kind of joke Ican get behind Uhhuh.
I thought that was genuinelyfunny.
Yep.
and if the whole film had beenlike that, it might have been
fun.
Sam (14:03):
Except so the joke, the joke of him playing himself as a
kid Yeah.
Is very funny.
Yeah.
The actual jokes in that littleskit are shit.
Oh Yeah.
Like the whole thing is buildingup to a punchline.
That doesn't happen.
Emma (14:15):
Yeah.
Sam (14:16):
It just ends.
Emma (14:18):
we're back at home with Marvin and Russell.
They're trying to watch theinterview on TV.
and Russell is making Marvinattempt to be the ariel because
they can't get the reception onthe telly.
Yeah.
And so they've basicallygathered every metal item, which
seems to be just lots of potsand pans.
Marvin is doing his best to tryand, Tune the TV in by hanging
stuff out the window and Oh,it's so chucklesome.
Sam (14:41):
That is a joke that would've worked if the film
hadn't already lost me.
Emma (14:44):
Yeah.
it's a standard"oh, we can't getreception and it's the Eighties"
joke.
Sam (14:49):
Which again, Kids today don't know about using a coat
hanger as a TV antenna.
Emma (14:53):
Nope.
Spoiled little shit.
Sam (14:57):
Meat Loaf argues with his suits a lot, and then he hosts a
barbecue.
But Richard wants him to go doan interview with Chris
Christie, brackets not thehorrible politician, some sort
of radio DJ, and then Meat Loafagrees to go do it, but he does
it very sarcastically.
Yeah.
He wears the record sleeve as ahat.
just to be a dick.
But the DJ just misses that andgoes, oh, that's cool, we'll
(15:20):
wear record sleeves as hats now.
Yeah.
And then Meat Loaf decides toannounce that his concert this
week is gonna be free just toannoy his suit,
Emma (15:29):
but only if you are wearing the, record sleeve as a
hat.
This is crucial because Russelland Marvin hear this and get so
excited that they run out oftheir flat before the crucial
bit of information so they can'tget into the concert.
Sam (15:45):
This is what I found weird.
Yeah.
When that bit happened, Iassumed this film was gonna be
about the quest for Russell andMarvin to get into the free Meat
Loaf concert.
No, and it wasn't.
It just oh, and then the concerthappens and they don't get in
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that happens several times.
The plot of the film neverreally starts.
The next thing that happensafter Marvin and Russell don't
(16:07):
get into this concert, we cut toa 30 to 40 minute Yeah.
Tour montage.
Emma (16:14):
That is a lot to sit
Sam (16:16):
It's catastrophically boring.
Yes.
And this is a film about amusician.
We both really like playing lotsof tour shows, but
Emma (16:26):
you don't see any full music, particularly.
You
Sam (16:28):
like little half clips
Emma (16:29):
of stuff, little half clips of songs that you're not
that
Sam (16:31):
And it's so when I sat down to watch this film, I was really
glad that it was 90 minutes andI thought to myself, oh yeah, a
nice tight 90 minutes.
You don't get that these days.
It felt like two and a halfhours
Emma (16:43):
It plodded, didn't it?
Sam (16:44):
Marvin and his brother are driving a car that's kind of
falling apart following thetour.
Other films would've made afunny joke out of that.
Not these guys.
Dunno.
The tour montage just goes onfor fucking ages.
there's too much concert footageto make the film work and not
enough to be a concert movie,and then eventually Meat Loaf's
(17:07):
you complaining about interviewson the tour bus?
Yeah.
And
Emma (17:10):
She agrees
Sam (17:10):
to do another interview with Ernie.
And that's when the plot picksup.
Emma (17:15):
Meat admits to lying last time.
And so this is where we get thebike flashback.
the same joke as before.
Sam (17:22):
That's where the gang of motor bikers from the Peel Out
video come in.
Emma (17:25):
Yes.
doesn't really make any sense
Sam (17:27):
though.
No, it doesn't make any sense.
I don't know if that's supposedto be the joke, is the joke that
he tells Ernie such anunbelievable story about the
origin of his singing careerthat we're supposed to say, ha
ha ha.
How funny.
Meat Loaf, because he doesn'tmention singing in this one.
Ernie is so, a credulous and b,such a, horrible man to spend
(17:51):
time with, which isn'tparticularly fair.
He's,, just very boring.
Yeah.
It's so horrible to spend timewith Ernie that Meat Loaf, very
smart, clever Meat Loaf can makeup any old shite
Emma (18:03):
and
Sam (18:03):
and Ernie will believe
Emma (18:05):
Yeah.
Sam (18:06):
Ernie is the press man.
Emma (18:09):
So the joke is that we're sticking it to the man
Sam (18:13):
It's the sort of joke that might be found really funny if
you were a rockstar in themiddle of a serious drugs
problem.
Emma (18:20):
Next we get to where Marvin and Russell are sleeping
in a hotel room watching theErnie Weaver report.
And Ernie can't get any MeatLoaf song names, right.
Oh, the hilarity is what Iwrote.
gratuitous.
Snogging occurs next, uh, whileMeat Loaf is searching for pie.
Sam (18:36):
Yeah.
Meat Loaf's at an after showparty and he is grumpy again
because they don't have pie onthe buffet even though
Emma (18:42):
though he's on
Sam (18:42):
rider.
I like pie too, but I doubt MeatLoaf has a lot of meat pies.
I mean, I think I was justthinking about lunch at that
point.
I think I did have a pork piefor my lunch waiting in the
fridge.
Emma (18:53):
I have had a two quiche week.
Sam (18:55):
Oh, hello?
Emma (18:57):
Marks Spencer's got some really nice quiche LorRaynees
Delicious.
Very smoky.
nice.
Yeah.
Really good.
If Marks.
Spencer's would like to send meany of their, uh, ideally the
crustless quiche LorRaynees.
They still have a bottom bit,but they haven't got the pastry
up the side.
Just knocks out some of thecarbs.
Oh, Yeah, it's really nice.
Sam (19:17):
Anyway, listeners, if you are thinking, what does this
have to do with the film?
Well, you are right, but alsothat's what our bRaynes did
while watching the film at thispoint.
This is where my notes kick inand say This film is so long and
nothing has
Emma (19:29):
happened
Sam (19:30):
the tour started.
There's a sort of dream sequenceof Marvin appearing with the
band.
But it's Meat Loaf's dream, notMarvin's.
Finally, something unpredictablehas happened he describes his
dream to Richard and suddenlysees Richard as Marvin.
Yeah.
And he sees Marvin there.
Emma (19:46):
Marvin on the TV.
All the other band membersbecome Marvin.
And then Marvin's car, catchesup to the tour bus.
Mm.
Um,
Sam (19:54):
and then nothing
Emma (19:56):
Nothing happens.
The tour bus is flagged down byErnie Weaver.
For another bloody interview.
It's agreed that it caninterview Meat Loaf again,
backstage at that night's
Sam (20:04):
A completely pointless scene.
Yes.
Served no purpose whatsoever.
Ernie Weaver flags down the bus,gets on the bus, says, can we do
another interview?
They say Yes.
Later.
Emma (20:14):
Yeah.
That is minutes that we couldhave had back.
Sam (20:20):
could have been eating my pie already.
Emma (20:22):
Then there's just more concert setup stuff.
There's so much video ofconcerts being set up.
Marvin and Russell turn up atthe loading area and try and
stroll in.
They're turned away.
They put on disguises and tryand get through again.
They're turned away.
finally they disguisethemselves.
Well, Russell's a roadie andMarvin is hidden in the big box.
Sam (20:43):
Yeah, but then they only get in because the original
security guard has stepped awayto deal with a sexy
Emma (20:48):
lady.
Yep.
Sam (20:50):
I didn't write down what he says, but rest assured it's not
a cool thing to say.
Emma (20:57):
Meat Loaf's unhappy about the Ernie Weaver interview
again.
it still happens.
I feel like we're about to haveanother flashback, but then
Marvin breaks in, and Meat Loaffreaks the fuck out.
Sam (21:10):
Meat Loaf is amazed.
Marvin is real.
He kicks everybody else out.
And that's when we learn thatthe brother's name is Russell
Emma (21:16):
Finally in the closing minutes of the film.
Sam (21:19):
And that's the only conversation Russell then has
with Meat Loaf before he'skicked out.
And then the band starts whileMeat Loaf and Marvin are still
locked away
Emma (21:26):
Now it's time for the concert.
Bat out of Hell strikes up onstage, but Meat's still in his
dressing room.
He emerges silent, he's guidedto the stage.
Marvin also comes out, but he'swearing a baseball cap now.
Meat Loaf makes it out onto thestage just in time.
He starts singing just as healways was.
Good old meat, but wait in thecrowd, Russell and Marvin are
(21:51):
watching, then Marvin speaks.
It's the old switcheroo.
Meat Loaf is watching Marvinrock it on stage as the credits
roll.
Marvin is singing Dead Ringer onstage and we are all glad that
it's over and we can go and havea wee or the pie that we've been
(22:11):
promising ourselves.
Sam (22:13):
Yeah, it did end on a freeze frame.
Emma (22:15):
classic.
Sam (22:15):
Um, what was the point of this film?
Emma (22:18):
It was supposed to be a promotional tie in that had been
set up with I think CBS.
this is from Meat Loaf'sautobiography.
"Dead Ringer was going to be aMeat Loaf movie.
They proposed the idea to Sonyand got CBS to put up a million
and a half to make it.
Alan Nichols was going to directit and they said they were gonna
(22:40):
open a big production office.
now that they were movieproducers, they had to have an
office worthy of their newstatus." So I think Meat Loaf's
already a bit, cynical about it.
Uh.
The townhouse on Riverside Drivewas furnished in the most lavish
style imaginable." No, that'snot interesting
Sam (22:59):
You
Emma (23:00):
I was talking to my mum about, Meat Loaf's
autobiography.
'cause we did originally have itin book form.
And she was saying,"did you everread it?" I said,"I read parts
of it".
She said,"yeah, so did I.
It was written so badly and itwas so fucking boring"
Sam (23:15):
that at least proves that he didn't use a ghost writer.
Emma (23:17):
Yeah.
But it is, written really badly.
It focuses on admin more thanevents.
It's really weird becausethere's loads about his life
that I'd be quite interested tohear about.
I've not read the full thing.
I'll fess up.
But whenever I dip in, it isjust dull.
(23:37):
and this Film, it's, it's theworst bits of all sort of
eighties films.
It's, it's the worst bits ofrockumentaries.
I'm not a rockumentary fananyway.
but this was just a lot ofloading stuff in and out of, uh,
of
Sam (23:54):
trucks.
trucks.
Yeah.
A lot of part clips of showperformances.
Yeah.
Um,
Emma (24:02):
I think if they really wanted to do the documentary
route, it would've really niceto talk to members of the
Neverland Express
Sam (24:08):
yeah.
The Neverland Express playedthemselves in this
Emma (24:11):
Yeah,
Sam (24:11):
and were just sort of there.
Creatively plot wise, oh, I'm
Emma (24:15):
I'm
Sam (24:15):
so baffled by the decisions in this plot because it ends at
the end of Act One.
Effectively.
this is a classic life swapstory
Emma (24:24):
it's a Prince and the Pauper isn't It's a
Sam (24:26):
Prince and the Pauper it's a prisoner of Zenda.
Emma (24:29):
It's a Freaky
Sam (24:30):
It's a freaky Friday.
You swap lives and then you liveeach other's lives for a bit and
learn something about yourself.
And this film just ends on, theyswap lives.
And then that's it.
Yeah.
It's so confusing.
Why didn't they explore whathappens when a super fan a a a
(24:51):
probably autistic coded superfan lives the life of a rock and
roll star.
Yeah.
and the
Emma (24:56):
vice versa.
Sam (24:57):
lives his, that would be interesting and fun.
Emma (25:00):
it's trying to be two things because it's trying to be
a rockumentary.
But also it's trying to be acomedy.
Sam (25:05):
And it's,
Emma (25:06):
it's, it does nothing well.
Sam (25:08):
Meat Loaf plays himself badly.
Emma (25:10):
Yeah.
That's a real skill, isn't it?
Sam (25:13):
So many bits of the plot make no sense.
Marvin and Russell are followingthe band on tour all around the
country and it's clearly impliedthat they'd never get into the
show cause they can't afford to,but they can afford to drive all
around the country and stay inmotels.
it's like
Emma (25:29):
six months Yeah.
Sam (25:30):
have a shitty calendar montage.
Emma (25:33):
It's such a bad montage.
Sam (25:35):
I love the trope of the pages of the calendar by, but
even that, this film does badly.
would you like to hear what someof the people of the internet
had to say I'd love to hear thepeople of the internet have to
say,
Emma (25:47):
Kozy 5 5 5 who said,"in the seventies I grew a beard
because I had a strongresemblance to Meat Loaf and I
was tired of being mistaken forhim.
I couldn't go to a midnight showof Rocky Horror without getting
mobbed.
I love that.
Texas Stranger, 6 0 7 7.
(26:09):
I traveled from Virginia toSouthern California to get
married.
Pulling into LA we stopped at agas station so the soon to be
Mrs could call and getdirections to her dad's house.
"While she was in the store, mydoppelganger walked up to my
window and asked to bum a smoke.
He was glad I pulled out Camelsbecause that was what he smoked.
(26:32):
He not only looked like me, butalso dressed almost identically.
I gave him a light and an extrasmoke, and he walked off.
My best friend was sitting inthe back of the car.
"I asked him if he noticedsomething weird about that guy
that just bummed a smoke.
I was not sure if my thought ofhow much he looked like me was
really accurate or not.
My buddy replies, you mean thefact that he's your identical
(26:54):
twin brother.
"If I had known what was comingwith the marriage, I would've
knocked him in the head.
Put him in the front and let himmarry the crazy broad."
Sam (27:04):
Oh, he was ruined it with that last bit.
Emma (27:05):
Yeah.
Sam (27:07):
Emma, this is a fun game.
Who's your doppelganger?
Because I do have one.
Do you?
Yeah, my doppelganger is,Patrick Kearney of the Black
Keys.
He was the drummer in the BlackKeys.
If you look him up, you will seemy face.
Emma (27:23):
There is a definite resemblance there.
Yeah.
Gosh, that is.
I think you're aging indifferent directions.
Sam (27:30):
about 10 years ago we were identical and we also both had
the same leather jacket.
Emma (27:34):
Wow.
Are you pen pals?
Um, I feel like you should be,you dropped you an email.
You should've dropped you anemail.
I don't know if I havedoppelganger, I was once at a
goth night in Sheffield andsomebody that I didn't know came
up to me and said, hello, can Itake your picture?
You look just like my friend.
And I said, yeah.
Alright then.
(27:55):
So somewhere, maybe
Sam (27:58):
who is your doppelganger, let us know.
Chat out of hell@gmail.com
Emma (28:02):
Also, do you believe that if you meet your doppelganger,
then something bad weird's gonnahappen?
Sam (28:06):
Oh.
Also, you do know who yourdoppelganger is.
Have you ever been in asituation where nobody in the
film comments on the fact thatyou are identical except the
person you are identical Marvinis the world's biggest Meat Loaf
fan and nobody ever says, oh,you look quite a lot like him.
Actually,
Emma (28:27):
I.
Sam (28:30):
he could blagged his way backstage overthinking at any
point by saying, look at me, Iam Meat Loaf.
Let me into my own show.
Emma (28:38):
Stop overthinking it.
Sam (28:40):
There's not
Emma (28:41):
this is not a thinky one,
Sam (28:46):
that is what got me mad the most.
It's a film about twodoppelgangers and the only
person who knows they'reidentical is one of the two
doppelgangers.
Emma (28:57):
Yep.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
But Marvin wears those thickglasses and everybody knows that
glasses disguise you as the
Sam (29:05):
the Clark Kent card on me.
Emma (29:06):
play the Clark Kent card on me.
Yep.
I'm gonna play the Clark Kentcard because I know if I remove
my glasses Now
Sam (29:13):
who the fuck are you?
Where's Emma?
Emma (29:15):
Exactly.
I'm back.
Sam (29:18):
Oh, there was some weirdo in here just now.
Emma (29:20):
Oh that's so strange.
Sam (29:21):
I invited her to join the podcast.
Emma (29:24):
I assume she thought better of it.
She did.
Yeah.
She's got shit to do.
Sam (29:29):
in preparation for this
Emma (29:30):
film, Uhhuh,
Sam (29:31):
I did send a telegram to the government.
Emma (29:33):
Oh, I'm so glad that you
Sam (29:34):
it to my government handlers.
Yeah.
To ask them to, go into thesecret bunker and down the
ladder and then into the secretlift, and then scan the iris
thing into the doors and openthe big secret bunker doors and
then open a safe.
And in that safe, they found arating system for the director
(29:54):
Alan Nichols phew Which is good'cause I couldn't think of one
myself.
So Emma
Emma (30:00):
Uhhuh.
It's
Sam (30:00):
this film Alan Nichols?
Alan, This Film Trickles Alongor Alan Worse than a Kick In the
Dickles..
Emma (30:12):
Oh, beautifully
Sam (30:14):
Thank.
Go.
Emma (30:15):
Bravo to your government department.
Wait, not you never, not you.
Of course.
Um, God Kick in the
Sam (30:22):
yes.
is definitely, and Alan worse.
Alan Worse than a Kick in theDickles.
Oh,
Emma (30:31):
owie.
Sam (30:31):
Ooh.
Emma (30:34):
So, Sam, what film did you bring,
Sam (30:37):
Emma, I brought the film Bloodrayne.
Emma (30:39):
Is it as good as it sounds no,
Sam (30:43):
this is a video game, spinoff film from 2005, directed
by Uwe Boll, who has directed 11video games, spinoff movies,
Emma (30:53):
how many of them have been box office hits
Sam (30:58):
if you allow for rounding errors.
None.
In this film, Meat Loaf playsLeonid.
Yes.
Who is, a scene stealing vampireLord?
He's a hedonistic vampire Lord,who occupies a, fun but weird
scene about halfway through thefilm.
(31:18):
Yeah.
And then disappears again.
So we are left to review a filmwith almost nothing to do with
Meat Loaf, really.
But here we go.
Bloodrayne.
Old timey, medieval paintings,incredibly cheap credit
Emma (31:33):
font, The kind you
Sam (31:34):
for free in iMovie.
Emma (31:37):
It wouldn't surprise me if this was edited in iMovie.
Sam (31:40):
the camera pans over rocks and mountains to a cross on a
hill that never comes up again.
A ye olde market town.
Filthy people wonder about, butnot that
Emma (31:49):
filthy I was gonna say, I, `I`` had a note about this.
Sam (31:52):
not That filthy because it's not in budget.
Emma (31:55):
It looks too clean and too well
Sam (31:56):
lit.
It's very clean and
Emma (31:58):
well.
It's never a good sign.
Everyone knows that everyone wascovered in a thick layer of shit
in those times.
It needs more authenticity.
Sam (32:06):
An innkeeper gives a man a scroll.
Emma (32:09):
The least convincing raggedy flyer I've ever seen.
I had to go at making somethinglike this when I was 11
Sam (32:15):
and
Emma (32:16):
it was better.
Yes, you're right.
It's, it's the it, soak it inand in tea pop in the bit,
Sam (32:26):
it's flyer for a circus.
In the background, another manturns out to be a big badass who
just kills a passing vampiredude.
Emma (32:33):
dude.
Sam (32:35):
The inkeeper tells a tale of this circus, which keeps a
lady with red hair called Rayne,who burns in water and can be
all cut up, but then she drinksblood and heals.
Emma (32:44):
dumb.
Sam (32:44):
I know there wasn't any telly in ye olde days, but this
surely isn't good entertainment.
I'd ask for my money back.
Emma (32:49):
just, after that, there is a clap of thunder for absolutely
no reason.
The night is shown to be clear,there is even a shot of the
moon.
That bothers me.
Sam (33:07):
When not circusing Rayne gets kept in a cage.
Emma (33:11):
She's visited by her mawkish twat of a friend.
Sam (33:17):
Her pal sneaks a cross through the bars, but in
violation of vampire lore itdoesn't burn her up.
Ooh, cut to Evil Castle BenKingsley.
Looking as bored as I feel,tells some junior fucker to go
find Rayne.
Ben Kingsley plays the villainin this piece.
(33:37):
A man called Kagan.
Yeah.
Uh, that is not Supreme CourtJustice.
Eleanor Kagan.
Ben Kingsley's such a good actorthat he, not this.
No.
he's such a good actor that hecan show not even boredom on his
face as he regrets his waythrough his film.
Emma (33:59):
the director have some awful photographs of him doing
something inappropriate?
Sam (34:03):
Alright, right, we'll cut straight to this.
it?
In an interview, Ben Kingsleywas asked, what were you
thinking when he accepted a rolein Bloodrayne?
It's so hard to imagine someoneso gifted, not realizing what a
terrible film that would be.
I don't know whether to be upsetor flattered by that question,
to be honest.
I've just always wanted to playa vampire with the teeth and the
long black cape.
(34:24):
Let's say that my motives weresomewhat immature for doing it."
Emma (34:30):
That is a brilliant
Sam (34:31):
I've got a lot of respect for that.
Yeah.
respect.
He sends one of his guys to gofind Rayne, but in the meantime,
she escapes in a confusingflashback, flash forward
flashback
Emma (34:40):
We see her escape through the flashbacks while she
screams.
she's covered in blood and inthe flashback she's about to be
raped by a creepy dude, but shesmashes him over the head with a
bottle making him bleed, andthat sets off her blood lust,
which makes her super strong andshe kills everyone.
And then she bites her mawkishtwat of a friend.
Sam (35:00):
She murders and stabs up all the circus baddies.
Yep.
The cool, tough vampire hunterteam bicker on their way to the
circus to show how cool andtough they are.
Emma (35:09):
Oh look, it's Anna Lucia off of Lost.
And so throughout I will bereferring to her as Anna Lucia
off of Lost.
Sam (35:17):
they, do all have names, but my notes insist on them
being called the main one, thegirl one, and the other one.
Emma (35:24):
Well, the girl one is definitely Anna Lucia off of
Lost and is just as unlikeablein this as she was in Lost.
Sam (35:31):
Good to know.
Is she a better actor in Lost?
Emma (35:34):
Not really.
No.
She's in it for a mercifullyshort span.
We cut to, the girl one's dad.
Sam (35:40):
Yeah, the girl one's dad is played by Billy Zane.
Emma (35:43):
he doesn't look old enough to be a dad in this,
Sam (35:45):
but he is of course a vampire.
Emma (35:47):
Catherine's dad, who I think has been turned by the
vampires or something, sends hera letter that is full of
exposition.
Sam (35:55):
A boring man dictates a letter to his boring secretary.
This is clearly an attemptedexposition, but it's so boring I
can't concentrate because in thespeech he makes mistakes and
says like, oh, no, correct thatbit.
Actually, write this instead.
Like most films would do adramatic voiceover of the letter
with
Emma (36:15):
him.
Sam (36:15):
No, not this film.
Apparently there is somethingcalled a brimstone society, and
the boring man wants hisdaughter in charge of
Emma (36:24):
Everything is very orange in this world.
The color correction in it ishorrible.
It's just there.
I don't like the look of it.
It's, headache inducing.
Sam (36:34):
Rayne saves some settlers from vampires.
She has some impractical lookingarm swords that she got from her
monkish
Emma (36:41):
Don't you think all the weapons and the jewelry in this
film look really fucking
Sam (36:46):
Incredibly cheap props.
Emma (36:47):
They look like they've been made from melted down
cutlery.
Sam (36:51):
Yes, that's exactly,
Emma (36:55):
Look
Sam (36:55):
so
Emma (36:56):
cheap.
Yes.
Sam (36:57):
She meets a fortune teller lady who tells her that she's
part vampire, part human, whichsurely is all vampires.
yeah.
everybody in this film is insuch a hurry.
All lines are delivered at agalloping pace, presumably, so
that the actor can go home againand get
Emma (37:15):
away from this room.
Sam (37:18):
Back to Castle Evil again, where Ben Kingsley again tells
his skivvy to go kill her.
Yeah.
Uh, there's lots of swoopingfootage of people traveling like
in Lord of the Rings, butcompletely unearned.
And the scenery isn't.
That good?
Emma (37:34):
not with,
Sam (37:34):
it's all right.
It's lovely.
I'd go on holiday there, but,
Emma (37:38):
but, it's not Middle earth is it?
Sam (37:40):
goes to a monastery and delivers some wooden dialogue.
Woodenly the monks welcome in tofeed her and she eats woodenly
with a wooden spoon Spied uponby monks.
She pops down into their cellarwhere a disfigured bloke with a
hammer is having a nap.
accidentally wakes him whiletrying to steal his crucifix,
and they have a boss fight.
Emma (38:03):
That's exactly what it's, isn't it?
It's a boss fight?
And this is the bit where I haveto drop a revelation on your
head, Emma, because we know thisfilm is a video game adaptation.
My wife Kat, watched this filmwith me last night.
She piped up at this point Ifyou hadn't told me this film was
adapted from a video game, Iwould've guessed Yes.
Because it has boss fights andit has like stupid QuickTime
(38:26):
events where she has the pressdodge at the right moment.
Yeah.
And all that.
But the plot of the video gameis about a sexy lady vampire who
fights Nazis.
In World War II.
So it's nothing to
Sam (38:41):
to do with it.
So all of the video gamey feelsthat you might think, oh, that
just must be a scene from thegame.
No.
Somebody wrote this to feel likea video game when it wasn't one.
Emma (38:50):
Oh God.
Because there's a bit coming up.
she's defeated the boss and getsinto the room, the, the stupid
spicy wheels Yeah.
The spinny, The spinny wheels.
Yeah.
That is pure video game.
Sam (39:07):
There might as well have been a flashing A button come up
On the screen to press at theright moment.
Emma (39:11):
She wins, steals his cross key thing goes into the eye
room.
'cause she's looking for a magiceye.
Not that kind of magic eye thatwould've been fun.
an actual eyeball, which is fullof badly animated spinning
blades.
They're no match for her, forher, but Oh, no.
When she steals the eye box, theroom fills with water, which is
(39:32):
her weakness.
She dangles from the ceiling andabsorbs the eye she's been
looking for, which makes her invulnerable to water, which is
convenient,
Sam (39:40):
Just like in a video game.
Yes.
Where you unlock the power toclimb over walls.
Halfway through.
Emma (39:46):
The head of the monks arrived, for some war
exposition.
Sam (39:49):
Ben Kingsley's army of cheap fight scenes attacks.
The monks respond with their ownvery cheap fight scenes.
It's all so unexciting.
The fight scenes are boring.
They don't fast
Emma (40:02):
forward through the fight scenes.
like
Sam (40:04):
all slow and stilted and they clearly didn't have the
budget for a proper fightcoordinator and, um, what's the
word?
Choreographer.
thank you.
But they know that the licensedemands exactly that sort of
thing.
Emma (40:17):
Anna Lucia off of lost, has turned up along with the
other two.
they're doing some killing.
and the main one spots Rayne'smagic eye.
but she's captured.
And so the three of them go backto their shit village.
But Anna Lucia off of Lost thenfinds the letter from her dad.
Sam (40:34):
And then we cut to a scene where Ben Kingsley dRaynes a
girl's blood for no reason Noreason to.
We already knew he was a baddie.
We knew he
Emma (40:41):
was a vare.
Didn't mean to see it.
Sam (40:42):
Got that scene anyway.
Emma (40:43):
Wasn't even all that gratuitous either.
because they could have thrownin some gratuitous, sexy,
vampire stuff, but he just bither
Sam (40:50):
Oh, don't worry, Emma.
Because we get to Meat Loaf's
Emma (40:54):
bitch.
Oh,
Sam (40:55):
a Meat Loaf is a vampire lord who lives in the folly of
an English country
Emma (41:01):
Yep.
It's bonkers and I love it.
Sam (41:04):
Uh, his name is Leon.
We cut to Meat Loaf in bed,surrounded by topless
Emma (41:10):
He's got a terrible long blonde gray wig.
Can I just say the hair in thisfilm?
shit.
Dog shit.
really awful Bad wigseverywhere.
So bad.
Critics ridiculed the directorfor hiring actual prostitutes
instead of actors, in this sceneto save on production costs.
How awful is that?
(41:30):
It's horrible.
It's a really horrible thing.
Yeah.
Sam (41:32):
yeah.
Especially because Meat Loaf hasa proper old grope of one of
their boobs.
Emma (41:38):
He plays with blood and boobs, doesn't he?
Yeah.
He smears some blood on theprostitutes.
Sorry, the sex workers' boobs.
Sam (41:46):
Right on sister.
Emma (41:47):
Yeah.
Damn right.
Meat Loaf's got a really creepyvoice in this, don't you think?
Sam (41:51):
Meat Loaf has about five minutes maybe in this film,
tops.
He does portray a sex mad orgyvampire monster quite well.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I, I think, I think he does agood job here.
The whole shtick is that BenKingsley's skivvy is trying to
leave Rayne there, I thinkduring the
Emma (42:09):
day.
Yeah.
Sam (42:10):
they're trying to move on.
and Meat Loaf lives in thispalace that's fucked up.
There's Vampire orgies going
Emma (42:17):
vampire going on.
There's people being sort ofhung up and dRayneed of their
blood.
Yeah.
Sam (42:21):
In, and that is the best bit of fx slash
Emma (42:24):
Set design this is probably the most horror aspect,
Sam (42:27):
yeah, there's some real creepy, horrible vibes to Loaf's
The main hunter and the otherone Come in and they have
another boss fight with MeatLoaf.
Which involves smashing all thewindows so that he's caught in
the sunlight, you know, like youhave to do against the boss in
Mario.
Emma (42:44):
Meat Loaf goes on fire in a very unconvincing way,
Sam (42:47):
And then Ben Kingsley is mad that his lads failed, but
you wouldn't know it from hisface.
face Rayne tells her tragicbackstory to the heroes, but I'm
so bored, I didn't really listento it.
Emma (43:00):
The other one doubts it.
Sam (43:02):
But the main one is convinced she's a goodie.
The girl one argues with themain one.
And then We get a tRayneingmontage.
Where Rayne learns
Emma (43:09):
how
Sam (43:09):
to use swords, there's a bit where the girl one looks on
eating an apple, which is theuniversal film sign of being too
cool for this.
Yes, I do that.
That's a trope that I love.
Emma (43:24):
Anna Lucia off of Lost has no time for this shit.
Sam (43:27):
Uh, and then Rayne and the other one have a, whose story is
saddest
Emma (43:30):
Oh
Sam (43:31):
God.
And then as I was looking downto type up my notes, suddenly
they are having an awkward sexscene.
Emma (43:38):
Yep., so prior to this, the other one delivers some new
clothes to Rayne.
is sad, the other one is sadtoo.
Rayne now understands that otherpeople can be sad.
This shit is deep.
Sam (43:53):
shit is deep.
Emma (43:54):
Rayne Dreams about all the shit that's happened to her so
far that I've written, this isboring.
She goes to see the other one.
and they've obviously got aconnection now and they have
some of the most awkward,uncomfortable sex I have ever
seen.
Sam (44:08):
Everything about that sex scene is horrible.
2005 is kind of towards the endof the, the trope of this having
to happen.
But in the nineties, everyaction film for some reason had
a sex scene in it where youcould see the girls' tits.
Emma (44:20):
It was all about the tits.
It.
was
Sam (44:21):
But successful action films of this era, which did this,
had, like the music matched whatyou were seeing on the scene and
the gasping that the actorsdidn't sound like two goats
Emma (44:35):
falling cliff.
There is nothing.
Sam (44:40):
It's so long.
Yeah.
It's such like the traditionalway to do this.
Emma (44:45):
mean that's, that's what she said for, for a start.
Sam (44:50):
Are you listening?
Alan Nichols.
But the way you do this sexscene is like
Emma (45:01):
tits and
Sam (45:02):
tits, and then cut away to the morning where they're both
lying in bed, together.
But this sex scene lasted likethree minutes.
It was so uncomfortable.
It was horrible.
Ben Kingsley gives a very woodenspeech, exalting his lads to
crack on and find the eye.
Emma (45:18):
Now that, uh, now that they've done a sex, Rayne feels
comfortable joining the othersin the dining room.
That's right.
Sort of becomes pals with thegirl one, but not really.
And then they have a duel
Sam (45:31):
and then Ben Kingsley's skivvy argues with the girl
one's Vampire dad
Emma (45:35):
Oh, I didn't care about that at all.
Sam (45:38):
And I think that's the last we see of the
Emma (45:40):
Yeah.
Sam (45:41):
Which is weird.
Emma (45:43):
That's, that's just the end of that bit
Sam (45:45):
Rayne, the main one and the other one go to some other
secret place to get differentswords
Emma (45:51):
from a butcher, isn't he?
he He's
Sam (45:52):
a butcher and you know which butcher he is.
Emma (45:55):
Which butcher is
Sam (45:56):
he?
That butcher was played byMichael Paré, Pere,
Emma (45:59):
that's who he was.
Sam (46:00):
Michael Paré from, of course, Streets of Fire, the
incredibly wooden lead actorfinally finding a role that
matches his talent.
Emma (46:10):
I believe Michael Paré, plays other roles in other films
in this franchise.
Sam (46:15):
He does, He plays roles in all three of the Bloodrayne
movies and a lot of other filmsfor Uwe Boll as well.
So I think they're mates thegirl one turns out to be a
traitor.
she deads up all the brimstoneplace
Emma (46:28):
while they're off at the butchers.
Sam (46:30):
the Then Rayne returns and tracks the girl one to an
undergo water cave.
Good job.
Rayne can do water.
Now they have an underwaterfight.
Emma (46:38):
This is another scene from a video game, isn't it?
Sam (46:40):
it feels like it?
doesn't it?
the girl one stabs her and itlooks like she might lose, but
then suddenly she wins.
Rayne has retrieved the heartthat they're all looking for,
but she goes off to Castle Evilto hand it over to Ben Kingsley.
Yes.
and in return she goes toVampire Jail
Emma (46:57):
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Sam (46:58):
and then the main one and the other one fuck up their
attack on the castle and alsogoes to vampire jail's.
Quite
Emma (47:03):
She's quite convenient really, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
All end up in the same jail,
Sam (47:06):
is conveniently allows the main one to drop the last bit of
exposition, which is that theforthcoming ceremony will remove
Rayne's soul.
and then she gets tied to analtar.
Ben Kingsley Woodenly says somethings in a ceremony in a big
hall.
Emma (47:22):
the main one or the other one, trick their way out of the
cells in an absolutely bullshitway
Sam (47:27):
Shouldn't
Emma (47:28):
that
Sam (47:28):
be allowed.
He just says, oh, my matesdisappeared.
Come and have a look for him.
They pick up their stuff, whichwas conveniently all piled up
next to their jail cell, andthen they all wander off to the
final fight.
Oh
Emma (47:42):
Oh God.
Sam (47:43):
Each of them has a fight with a thematically appropriate
opponent.
Yep.
The main one fights the vampireskivvy.
Rayne fights a vampire girl whoI don't think has previously
appeared, but just is around.
Yeah.
And then two lads hold the mainone down, and Ben Kingsley just
walks directly at him holdingout a sword.
Even in a fight scene, BenKingsley is determined to do no
(48:05):
acting.
The fight comes down to Rayne vBen Kingsley.
And she wins with the help ofthe other one who then dies.
Everyone in the castle is dead.
Rayne sits in his chair.
Her face is totally impassive.
Is that acting or a completelack of
Emma (48:22):
acting?
Sam (48:24):
End of film.
Emma (48:25):
Oh, I hated it I've written down here, they spent 25
million on this and I have noidea where that money went.
Maybe the catering wasexcellent.
everything's awful in it.
The dialogue is way too low inthe mix and so it can't be heard
well over the music.
Yes.
So even that shit,
Sam (48:42):
the
Emma (48:43):
mixing makes my head hurt.
The SFX are sixth form at best.
The acting is awful.
It's not even so shit, it'sgood.
It's just plotting.
Meat Loaf was nominated at the2007 Stinkers Bad Movie Awards
for Worst Supporting Actor,
Sam (49:00):
among many other people.
This film won I think two goldenraspberries.
Yeah.
Emma (49:04):
it's got 4% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Talking about Boll.
He's quite, the chap seems likean absolute nightmare of a
human.
Determined to make terriblefilms and has been refused the
right to several video gamefranchises as a result.
He's challenged his critics to aboxing match.
Sam (49:21):
Yes, that did happen.
Emma (49:22):
Everything I've read about him makes him sound like a mad
bullheaded guy who just wants tomake stupid movies.
We talked about the
Sam (49:29):
Yeah.
That was before we startedrecording.
Emma (49:31):
Ah, we'll talk about the financing.
Sam (49:33):
Let's talk about the financing.
Oh.
all of his films lose money atthe box office.
This film was made for$25million and it made 2.4 million
at the box office,
Emma (49:42):
which is quite the loss.
Sam (49:45):
but Uwe Boll effectively financed many of his films
through a German tax loophole.
Yeah.
Where he might, I think half ofthe money spent on the film came
back to him somehow.
uh,
Emma (49:58):
It's very dodgy.
Sam (49:59):
but that loophole was closed at a certain
Emma (50:01):
point, which is when he stopped making films and opened
a restaurant instead
Sam (50:05):
Just going back to the, video game franchises that
didn't want him.
Emma (50:09):
Okay.
Sam (50:09):
Just to say, BloodRayne the video game is the definition of,
a six out of 10 video
Emma (50:14):
game.
Yeah.
Sam (50:14):
was never a big, massive smash, but it did quite all
right.
Sexy Lady vampires always sell.
Other games, Uwe Bowl hasadapted, include Alone in the
Dark, which was a sort of horrorgame franchise in the late
nineties, early two thousands.
Again, occupies that sort of hewas linked potentially to Metal
Gear These days, that'sabsolutely huge money.
(50:35):
Yeah.
Series creator, hid Kajima,responded.
"It's impossible that we'd everdo a movie with
Emma (50:39):
him."
Sam (50:41):
He also made a bid to adapt an adaptation of the Warcraft
series
Emma (50:44):
again.
Huge.
Yeah.
And
Sam (50:46):
there was a Warcraft movie
Emma (50:47):
Yeah.
A few years
Sam (50:48):
ago.
I've never seen it.
I've heard it was quite shit,but still sold very well.
Emma (50:51):
Right.
Sam (50:51):
he was turned away by the owners of the franchise Blizzard
who said,"we will not sell themovie rights.
Not to you.
Especially not to you.
to you.
One critic has dubbed him theJonas Brothers of movie
directors and, Maitlin McDonoughof TV guide wrote,"though
indisputably the best of Ooeyball's first three video game
(51:12):
into film adaptations.
This glory, ludicrous horroraction picture isn't good by any
standard."
Emma (51:19):
Yep.
Sam (51:20):
I hate to imagine the other two.
Emma (51:23):
don't have to watch any anymore in the Bloodrayne.
Sam (51:26):
Well, nominally we could put it into Sequel club, but I
dunno, I think we've dipped intoenough Uwe Boll for one
lifetime.
Yeah.
This isn't an Uwe Boll podcast.
It,
Emma (51:37):
and it never will be.
Sam,
Sam (51:41):
I had a dream last and in that dream, I dreamed of an Uwe
Boll rating system handed to me
Emma (51:51):
to me You've got to stop eating cheese that late at
night.
Sam (51:54):
And in my dream, the voice whispered.
Is this Uwe Boll?
Is it Oooh, Eeeh, this FilmCould Use a Bit of Bollish.
ey bollocks.
Emma (52:09):
Uwe Bollocks.
Sam Uwe Bollocks.
It's
Sam (52:11):
Uwe Bollocks.
Emma (52:13):
Uwe Bollocks.
Sounds like a very unpleasantcomplaint.
Sam (52:17):
Oh, he's got really ey bollocks,
Emma (52:21):
I wouldn't go near him.
He's got ooey
Sam (52:23):
but I'd still rather have Ooey Bullocks watch Bloodrayne
again.
Emma (52:29):
Ah,
Sam (52:29):
so there we go.
That was our two films.
Listeners.
Have you seen any of them Again,don't watch them on our, don't
watch them.
Emma (52:36):
Please don't,
Sam (52:36):
them.
But if you have seen either ofthem, heaven forbid if you've
seen any of the Bloodraynesequels, do drop us, an email
chat out of hell.
Let us know what you think aboutthem.
And then gird your loins for thereturn of Chat out of Hell.
Yeah.
Series four is coming in twoweeks time And we'll be starting
with a dive into the
Emma (52:57):
Dream Engine.
Sam (53:01):
dream, dream, dream,
Emma (53:05):
Engine
Sam (53:06):
which, again, most of you probably won't have been exposed
to.
I'm not suggesting you doeither, but if you are
interested, there is a, Isuppose it's not really a
bootleg, cause he recorded ithimself, but there's a,
recording of it on JimSteinman's website or a script.
So we are gonna expose ourselvesto that.
If you have any opinions onthat, do let us know.
chatoutofhell@gmail.com Also.
(53:27):
In a couple of weeks we'll begoing to see the Bat out of Hell
musical.
Emma (53:30):
so excited about it.
Sam (53:32):
All of this will have been worthwhile if you've seen the
Bat Out of Hell musical.
If you have thoughts, if youhave opinions, if you have
reviews, drop us a line
Emma (53:41):
Please
Sam (53:42):
chatoutofhell@gmail.com.
Not quite sure what we're gonnado with our review of the
musical.
It might be a bonus special orsomething, but send us any of
your thoughts on it and we'llgladly take those on board.
Emma (53:57):
We are dead rock and roll.
So we are going to a matineeperformance of it
Sam (54:01):
specifically so that we have time afterwards to go and
record our thoughts becauseotherwise I'd have to run off
for my train.
So yeah, that's exciting.
If you are going to see the Batout of Hell tour, let us know as
well.
chatoutofhell@gmail.com.
I've said the email addressenough.
Any other business today, Emma,All right, thank you all very
(54:22):
much for listening to Chat Outof Hell Film Club, and we'll see
you all in two weeks' time forseries four of Chat out of Hell.
Yay.
Bye
Emma (54:29):
bye.
Sam (54:30):
Bow Now.
Now, now.
What is this?
Emma (00:04):
This is Chat out of Hell Film Club where we take two
films featuring or adjacent toMeat Loaf and or Jim Steinman,
and we watch them against ourbetter judgment so that you
don't have to, you can if youlike, I'm not stopping you, I'm
not your mum, but don't gooutside instead, spend time with
(00:25):
your loved ones.
Feel the grass beneath yourfeet.
Sam (00:29):
Who is Meat Loaf?
Emma (00:30):
Meat Loaf was a singer, writer and actor, an all round
renaissance man.
Also a man who had anex-girlfriend called Candy
Darling.
Sam (00:39):
Of
Emma (00:40):
Who's Jim Steinman?
Sam (00:41):
Jim Steinman is a man who had no material involvement with
the films we're discussingtoday, so I wouldn't worry about
it.
Okay, I bet he'd have liked
Emma (00:49):
one of those.
Who are we?
Sam (00:52):
We are Sam Wilkinson and Emma Crossland.
Two comedians who have had a bitof a break from podcasting and
are both hoping we can rememberhow to do it.
Welcome to Chat Out of Hell FilmClub Bow Now.
Now
Emma (01:08):
Bing
Sam (01:10):
films.
Emma (01:13):
It all sounds like, we've got a dog to do those bits.
Sam (01:16):
Films,
Emma (01:17):
sausages.
Hi Sam.
Sam (01:21):
Hi Emma.
So this is sort of, it's notquite series four, this is the
void between series.
Emma (01:28):
Oh, what a void.
Sam (01:31):
We've had six whole weeks of not thinking about the work
of Meat Loaf.
Was that a nice six weeks?
nice week.
All I'm saying is that springhas arrived in that time and I
don't think that's acoincidence.
Emma (01:46):
But now, we're back on all bullshit.
Winter is
Sam (01:49):
Yes.
Leaves will fall off the treesimmediately.
Darkness will reign.
Emma (01:55):
Rayne.
Oh, it's nice to be back innit.
Sam (01:57):
Hello listeners as always, this is our special film club
where we're not gonna talk aboutany Meat Loaf or Jim Steinman
music.
So if that doesn't interest you.
Yeah, fair enough.
We'll see you in two weeks timefor the proper start of series
four.
Everybody else.
Hello.
Hi.
Welcome back.
Um, I know we say this everytime we do a film club, and Emma
(02:20):
said it at the beginning, don'twatch these films.
Emma (02:26):
There're, only a finite number of hours in your
Sam (02:29):
Yes.
Emma (02:31):
Don't waste them with this.
Like do listen to the podcast'cause you can do that while
you're doing other things like.
As, you know, driving
Sam (02:38):
Emma, what movies for our American cousins?
Movies.
What movies have we selected forour film club?
Emma (02:47):
Well, I've brought Dead Ringer, which was the supposed
promo movie for the album, DeadRinger that never really
surfaced.
What did you bring?
Sam (02:57):
I brought the film Bloodrayne, which was a tie-in
movie to a video game calledBloodrayne, which came out in
2005.
And Meat Loaf was in it a bit.
Emma (03:11):
Good.
Meat Loaf was in, Dead Ringer a
Sam (03:13):
lot.
Yeah.
'cause it's a, it's a film byand about Meat Loaf Shall we
talk about that one first?
Yes.
Okay.
So listeners go away, don'twatch Dead Ringer.
It's quite hard to watch anyway.
'cause I don't think it was everofficially released.
Emma (03:26):
you can't find it on the YouTubes.
Sam (03:27):
You can find it on the YouTubes, but I believe even in,
in edited form.
Emma (03:32):
Yeah.
I don't think we've seen thefull
Sam (03:34):
No, I think I did see on the Meat Loaf Reddit, there was
a showing of it in a cinema inthe US about six months ago.
So saw that go back in time andwatch it then, I guess.
but really you don't have to.
'cause as we've alreadymentioned, it's dreadful.
Emma, Emma tell us all aboutDead Ringer.
Emma (03:52):
Dead Ringer is part documentary, part fiction.
All bullshit, Meat Loaf who isplaying himself.
Is becoming increasinglyoverwhelmed with the inane
demands, of an artist releasingan album.
Would you say that that's a fairplace that
Sam (04:10):
Yeah.
Some very cheap opening credits
Emma (04:13):
Oh, dreadful opening
Sam (04:14):
credits.
Reminded me of an episode ofDallas.
Yeah.
A mysterious man bought a hotdog and then didn't eat it.
And then we see Meat Loaf.
His limo doesn't start.
So he grumpily goes for a walk.
And Meat Loaf is just a grumpygus for the rest of this film.
Emma (04:29):
an absolute dick, isn't he?
Sam (04:30):
he?
He's such a miserable fucker.
Meat Loaf grumps on down theroad.
He grumps about not being ableto use the payphone.
He wants Grump grump grump.
He grumps down the phone lineabout not wanting a mechanic.
He wants a tow truck.
Grump.
Grump grump.
He should be called Grump Loaf.
Emma (04:46):
interspersed with Grump Loaf.
You keep getting the mysteriousman, walking down the road, he
keeps buying food and throwingit away.
So he's clearly on some kind ofweird restrictive
Sam (04:55):
Yes..
Emma (04:56):
Bat out of hell Plays
Sam (04:57):
and then when we finally see Marvin's face, he looks
exactly like Roland Browningfrom
Emma (05:02):
Yes.
Yes, he does.
Roland Roland,
Sam (05:04):
Roland Roland.
Yes.
Uh, for American listeners Yes.
For our American listeners.
And anybody born after 1986,Grange Hill was a children's
soap opera set in a school, andRoland Browning was the
stereotype nerd in it.
Emma (05:24):
Yeah.
Sam (05:24):
before you and I I think were born even.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We we still are in
Emma (05:29):
Well, I saw, yeah.
I remember watching it on Sundaymornings in
Sam (05:32):
the school holidays.
school holidays
Emma (05:33):
holidays and things like that.
Yeah.
At 11 o'clock.
Yep.
Ah, Sausage.
Sam (05:43):
Sorry, Americans.
Anyway, back to the film.
Emma (05:48):
must we,
Sam (05:48):
the character Marvin looks like Roland from Grange Hill.
He's also played by Meat Loaf.
He goes home to his brother andwe learn he's on a restrictive
Emma (05:57):
it's papaya day in their diet.
Sam (06:00):
Yes.
Tomorrow is watermelon day andin six
Emma (06:03):
days it's, what is this diet?
The one food a day diet.
The under
Sam (06:09):
the 1980s was the peak time for fad
Emma (06:11):
diet.
It was, but they go on quite alot about how horrible papaya
is.
Sam (06:16):
papaya is all right, but do you want to eat it all day?
No.
And think of what that's gonnado to you digestively.
Emma (06:23):
Oh.
Especially when you've gotwatermelon day the next day.
Good God.
Sam (06:29):
I'm looking forward to bagel day.
It's worth mentioning this now.
Marvin is completely
Emma (06:38):
mute.
Apart from his ability to singMeat Loaf
Sam (06:41):
So there is quite a sweet scene where they both rock out
to Meat Loaf.
And Marvin sings so well, notloudly necessarily, just, well,
that all the glass shatters
Emma (06:51):
including the glass in his thick glasses.
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
Meat Loaf's truck, arrives andit's not even a tow truck.
it's just a truck's, just apickup truck because he likes
pickup trucks.
And he never sits in the cab ofa pickup truck.
He always perches on the.
Back bit, whatever it's called.
in the truck bed.
And I wondered maybe he smellsand isn't allowed in the cab.
Sam (07:13):
Oh, like in a cartoon where hitchhiker get picked up.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
And have to
Emma (07:16):
sit in the back with the pig.
Yeah.
Meat Loaf is the pig.
maybe it's that, I dunno.
Maybe he's not house tRayneedenough.
Maybe he's likely to do a wee inthere.
I don't
Sam (07:25):
he gets a lift in the pickup truck and then he is
walking down the road and a manand his son asks for a signature
on a baseball.
Emma (07:32):
Yeah.
Why?
I assume it's just, that's allthey've got available.
Sam (07:38):
Oh.
But they've also got a pen.
Emma (07:40):
Well, maybe they were, I'm trying to come up with a
backstory this.
I'm probably trying a bit toohard.
Sam (07:48):
Anyway, he's, he gives him an autograph and then he walks
into his office.
Emma (07:52):
that office seems stressful.
It little
Sam (07:55):
Yeah.
Emma (07:56):
that was Meat Loaf's house.
Sam (07:58):
I find that easy to believe, bearing in mind how
cheap this whole film He'ssurrounded by performers and
clowns
Emma (08:04):
see, is some of this supposed to be satirical?
Sam (08:07):
Oh, I guess so.
Emma (08:10):
Oh, look at all these clowns in this industry.
because it's like a bit of acarnival, isn't it?
It I think some of this issupposed to be a go at satire.
You know, that they, they've hada go at doing some
Sam (08:23):
my review of this film is that it is the first draft of
Spinal Tap before they put thejokes in.
Emma (08:28):
Yes.
It has that kind of vibe to it.
Sam (08:31):
You can see the bits where the jokes are supposed to go.
But not
Emma (08:35):
just haven't written them.
Like when the secretaries allturn into military
Sam (08:38):
Yeah.
They're turn into soldiers toshow how overworked they are.
and then his managers keepignoring him.
Emma (08:44):
they're the worst.
He runs upstairs to talk to oneof his managers, who is on a
number of phones and ignoresMeat Loaf in favor of talking to
his mum.
Sam (08:53):
I missed that.
I, I have a little m in my notesevery time Maisie asked for
belly rubs
Emma (09:01):
I big m in this section.
Okay.
I'll cover this bit then.
aw.
Meat Loaf is clearly strugglingwith the idea of fame.
He sees his managers as baseballplayers.
He runs upstairs to talk toRichard, who features throughout
the
Sam (09:15):
Oh, was he called Richard?
Yes.
my notes just called him thesuit all the way
Emma (09:20):
His name's Richard.
it's another manager thatdoesn't listen to him.
Poor Meat Loaf.
He's being bothered by so manyunimportant problems, Poor poor
Meat Loaf.
then we get the Peel Out bit.
It's just the Peel Out musicvideo.
So in the back of the truck.
Then onto the live show.
As we covered in the lastepisode.
(09:42):
Was it We've covered itrecently, yeah.
I did take a teeny weenie mentalbreak during that bit thinking
we've covered this.
I don't need to think about it.
While that was on the screen, Itook the opportunity to play a
game on my phone.
Sam (09:58):
What game?
Emma (09:59):
It's one where you've gotta get a load of stuff into a
hole.
I think it's called All In Hole.
Sam (10:06):
That's funnier than anything in this film, isn't the
music video ends with him at theshow and apologizing for being
late in the most wooden actingI've ever
Emma (10:16):
seen.
Yep.
Sam (10:16):
That record doesn't last.
Then we cut back to Marvin, whowas at the park playing ball.
touch with with the boy who gothis ball signed by Meat Loaf.
Emma (10:28):
They spot the signature, and they run off to go and find
Meat Loaf's house.
There's this horrible bit wherethe boy's dad says,"well, they
stuck around longer than yourmother," which is so unpleasant.
Sam (10:43):
But it is functionally a joke, Emma.
Emma (10:47):
I suppose, but it's horrible.
Sam (10:51):
Maybe the mother was horrible.
That's why.
I mean, it sounds like she was
Emma (10:54):
maybe, or maybe it's just some eighties misogyny.
Sam (10:59):
50 50
Emma (11:00):
Sure.
Sam (11:01):
they leave the park not through the gates.
They just run the nearest walland climb over it.
Emma (11:07):
it.
That is a weird way of leaving apark, isn't it?
Marvin wants to meet Meat Loaf.
That's his, raison d'etre.
But they won't let him in thehouse.
Meat Loaf's already gone off inthe truck.
So Richard blags a lift withthem and half promises that they
can meet him.
But of course when they arriveat wherever the venue is, Marvin
(11:28):
and Russell are turfed outbecause they don't have passes.
And Richard's being a dick aboutit.
He just abandons them.
Sam (11:35):
He's a proper old dick.
He does loosen up as the
Emma (11:38):
goes off
Sam (11:39):
on,
Emma (11:40):
only in self-serving ways.
None of the characters in thisare in any way fleshed out.
We're using character in theloosest possible sense here.
there's no real backstories,there's no emotion.
There's only sort of vaguegoals.
(12:00):
what I'm saying is there's noStanislavsky methods involved
here.
Sam (12:04):
What?
Hang on.
You mean to say that nobody wentmethod in this?
Emma (12:07):
Nobody went method.
There's no emotion.
Memory, nothing.
Sam (12:10):
Oh.
It's much more Brechtian, isn'tit?
You should never forget that youare watching a bad film.
Emma (12:19):
And we never do.
We never do.
Sam (12:22):
The characters are not at all fleshed out, which leads us
onto the boring newsman.
Emma (12:27):
Oh,
Sam (12:28):
Ernie Weaver.
Ernie Weaver, the most boring TVpresenter in the world, who is
also, as the plot goes on, themost important TV presenter that
Meat Loaf has to be on his showto sell tickets.
This is an attempt at a joke.
Emma (12:43):
it is.
And I
Sam (12:44):
enjoy it a bit.
Emma (12:45):
Uh, I quite enjoy the bit where we can't ever name any of
the songs properly.
Yes.
Sam (12:50):
is one of two jokes that
Emma (12:51):
works Yes, I did quite like that.
What I also liked, Meat Loaf'sbeing interviewed by Ernie and
talking about his past Meat Loafalways makes up some bullshit
because that's what Meat Loafdoes.
So each time we meet Ernie, weget fresh bullshit.
and there's a flashback.
And this is another good jokebecause in the flashbacks, Meat
Loaf is playing himself as achild.
(13:12):
Yeah.
And it is just funny to see.
Yes, it is nicely done.
Bravo.
That
Sam (13:17):
They flashback to Meat Loaf's childhood life in a
school room.
And he is surrounded by 11 yearolds.
He introduces the flashback bysaying, I was always big, I was
always bigger than my mum anddad.
And adult Meat Loaf
Emma (13:31):
over the children.
Sam (13:34):
This first flashback, he gets singing lessons and is bad
at them.
Yes.
And then that is, he claims hismotivation for becoming a world
class mega singer.
Yeah.
And then later on there's aflashback where him and his
mates are playing out on bikesand it's
Emma (13:49):
adorable.
And then it cuts to themotorbikes.
Yeah.
It's very sweet.
Very, that's the kind of joke Ican get behind Uhhuh.
I thought that was genuinelyfunny.
Yep.
and if the whole film had beenlike that, it might have been
fun.
Sam (14:03):
Except so the joke, the joke of him playing himself as a
kid Yeah.
Is very funny.
Yeah.
The actual jokes in that littleskit are shit.
Oh Yeah.
Like the whole thing is buildingup to a punchline.
That doesn't happen.
Emma (14:15):
Yeah.
Sam (14:16):
It just ends.
Emma (14:18):
we're back at home with Marvin and Russell.
They're trying to watch theinterview on TV.
and Russell is making Marvinattempt to be the ariel because
they can't get the reception onthe telly.
Yeah.
And so they've basicallygathered every metal item, which
seems to be just lots of potsand pans.
Marvin is doing his best to tryand, Tune the TV in by hanging
stuff out the window and Oh,it's so chucklesome.
Sam (14:41):
That is a joke that would've worked if the film
hadn't already lost me.
Emma (14:44):
Yeah.
it's a standard"oh, we can't getreception and it's the Eighties"
joke.
Sam (14:49):
Which again, Kids today don't know about using a coat
hanger as a TV antenna.
Emma (14:53):
Nope.
Spoiled little shit.
Sam (14:57):
Meat Loaf argues with his suits a lot, and then he hosts a
barbecue.
But Richard wants him to go doan interview with Chris
Christie, brackets not thehorrible politician, some sort
of radio DJ, and then Meat Loafagrees to go do it, but he does
it very sarcastically.
Yeah.
He wears the record sleeve as ahat.
just to be a dick.
But the DJ just misses that andgoes, oh, that's cool, we'll
(15:20):
wear record sleeves as hats now.
Yeah.
And then Meat Loaf decides toannounce that his concert this
week is gonna be free just toannoy his suit,
Emma (15:29):
but only if you are wearing the, record sleeve as a
hat.
This is crucial because Russelland Marvin hear this and get so
excited that they run out oftheir flat before the crucial
bit of information so they can'tget into the concert.
Sam (15:45):
This is what I found weird.
Yeah.
When that bit happened, Iassumed this film was gonna be
about the quest for Russell andMarvin to get into the free Meat
Loaf concert.
No, and it wasn't.
It just oh, and then the concerthappens and they don't get in
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that happens several times.
The plot of the film neverreally starts.
The next thing that happensafter Marvin and Russell don't
(16:07):
get into this concert, we cut toa 30 to 40 minute Yeah.
Tour montage.
Emma (16:14):
That is a lot to sit
Sam (16:16):
It's catastrophically boring.
Yes.
And this is a film about amusician.
We both really like playing lotsof tour shows, but
Emma (16:26):
you don't see any full music, particularly.
You
Sam (16:28):
like little half clips
Emma (16:29):
of stuff, little half clips of songs that you're not
that
Sam (16:31):
And it's so when I sat down to watch this film, I was really
glad that it was 90 minutes andI thought to myself, oh yeah, a
nice tight 90 minutes.
You don't get that these days.
It felt like two and a halfhours
Emma (16:43):
It plodded, didn't it?
Sam (16:44):
Marvin and his brother are driving a car that's kind of
falling apart following thetour.
Other films would've made afunny joke out of that.
Not these guys.
Dunno.
The tour montage just goes onfor fucking ages.
there's too much concert footageto make the film work and not
enough to be a concert movie,and then eventually Meat Loaf's
(17:07):
you complaining about interviewson the tour bus?
Yeah.
And
Emma (17:10):
She agrees
Sam (17:10):
to do another interview with Ernie.
And that's when the plot picksup.
Emma (17:15):
Meat admits to lying last time.
And so this is where we get thebike flashback.
the same joke as before.
Sam (17:22):
That's where the gang of motor bikers from the Peel Out
video come in.
Emma (17:25):
Yes.
doesn't really make any sense
Sam (17:27):
though.
No, it doesn't make any sense.
I don't know if that's supposedto be the joke, is the joke that
he tells Ernie such anunbelievable story about the
origin of his singing careerthat we're supposed to say, ha
ha ha.
How funny.
Meat Loaf, because he doesn'tmention singing in this one.
Ernie is so, a credulous and b,such a, horrible man to spend
(17:51):
time with, which isn'tparticularly fair.
He's,, just very boring.
Yeah.
It's so horrible to spend timewith Ernie that Meat Loaf, very
smart, clever Meat Loaf can makeup any old shite
Emma (18:03):
and
Sam (18:03):
and Ernie will believe
Emma (18:05):
Yeah.
Sam (18:06):
Ernie is the press man.
Emma (18:09):
So the joke is that we're sticking it to the man
Sam (18:13):
It's the sort of joke that might be found really funny if
you were a rockstar in themiddle of a serious drugs
problem.
Emma (18:20):
Next we get to where Marvin and Russell are sleeping
in a hotel room watching theErnie Weaver report.
And Ernie can't get any MeatLoaf song names, right.
Oh, the hilarity is what Iwrote.
gratuitous.
Snogging occurs next, uh, whileMeat Loaf is searching for pie.
Sam (18:36):
Yeah.
Meat Loaf's at an after showparty and he is grumpy again
because they don't have pie onthe buffet even though
Emma (18:42):
though he's on
Sam (18:42):
rider.
I like pie too, but I doubt MeatLoaf has a lot of meat pies.
I mean, I think I was justthinking about lunch at that
point.
I think I did have a pork piefor my lunch waiting in the
fridge.
Emma (18:53):
I have had a two quiche week.
Sam (18:55):
Oh, hello?
Emma (18:57):
Marks Spencer's got some really nice quiche LorRaynees
Delicious.
Very smoky.
nice.
Yeah.
Really good.
If Marks.
Spencer's would like to send meany of their, uh, ideally the
crustless quiche LorRaynees.
They still have a bottom bit,but they haven't got the pastry
up the side.
Just knocks out some of thecarbs.
Oh, Yeah, it's really nice.
Sam (19:17):
Anyway, listeners, if you are thinking, what does this
have to do with the film?
Well, you are right, but alsothat's what our bRaynes did
while watching the film at thispoint.
This is where my notes kick inand say This film is so long and
nothing has
Emma (19:29):
happened
Sam (19:30):
the tour started.
There's a sort of dream sequenceof Marvin appearing with the
band.
But it's Meat Loaf's dream, notMarvin's.
Finally, something unpredictablehas happened he describes his
dream to Richard and suddenlysees Richard as Marvin.
Yeah.
And he sees Marvin there.
Emma (19:46):
Marvin on the TV.
All the other band membersbecome Marvin.
And then Marvin's car, catchesup to the tour bus.
Mm.
Um,
Sam (19:54):
and then nothing
Emma (19:56):
Nothing happens.
The tour bus is flagged down byErnie Weaver.
For another bloody interview.
It's agreed that it caninterview Meat Loaf again,
backstage at that night's
Sam (20:04):
A completely pointless scene.
Yes.
Served no purpose whatsoever.
Ernie Weaver flags down the bus,gets on the bus, says, can we do
another interview?
They say Yes.
Later.
Emma (20:14):
Yeah.
That is minutes that we couldhave had back.
Sam (20:20):
could have been eating my pie already.
Emma (20:22):
Then there's just more concert setup stuff.
There's so much video ofconcerts being set up.
Marvin and Russell turn up atthe loading area and try and
stroll in.
They're turned away.
They put on disguises and tryand get through again.
They're turned away.
finally they disguisethemselves.
Well, Russell's a roadie andMarvin is hidden in the big box.
Sam (20:43):
Yeah, but then they only get in because the original
security guard has stepped awayto deal with a sexy
Emma (20:48):
lady.
Yep.
Sam (20:50):
I didn't write down what he says, but rest assured it's not
a cool thing to say.
Emma (20:57):
Meat Loaf's unhappy about the Ernie Weaver interview
again.
it still happens.
I feel like we're about to haveanother flashback, but then
Marvin breaks in, and Meat Loaffreaks the fuck out.
Sam (21:10):
Meat Loaf is amazed.
Marvin is real.
He kicks everybody else out.
And that's when we learn thatthe brother's name is Russell
Emma (21:16):
Finally in the closing minutes of the film.
Sam (21:19):
And that's the only conversation Russell then has
with Meat Loaf before he'skicked out.
And then the band starts whileMeat Loaf and Marvin are still
locked away
Emma (21:26):
Now it's time for the concert.
Bat out of Hell strikes up onstage, but Meat's still in his
dressing room.
He emerges silent, he's guidedto the stage.
Marvin also comes out, but he'swearing a baseball cap now.
Meat Loaf makes it out onto thestage just in time.
He starts singing just as healways was.
Good old meat, but wait in thecrowd, Russell and Marvin are
(21:51):
watching, then Marvin speaks.
It's the old switcheroo.
Meat Loaf is watching Marvinrock it on stage as the credits
roll.
Marvin is singing Dead Ringer onstage and we are all glad that
it's over and we can go and havea wee or the pie that we've been
(22:11):
promising ourselves.
Sam (22:13):
Yeah, it did end on a freeze frame.
Emma (22:15):
classic.
Sam (22:15):
Um, what was the point of this film?
Emma (22:18):
It was supposed to be a promotional tie in that had been
set up with I think CBS.
this is from Meat Loaf'sautobiography.
"Dead Ringer was going to be aMeat Loaf movie.
They proposed the idea to Sonyand got CBS to put up a million
and a half to make it.
Alan Nichols was going to directit and they said they were gonna
(22:40):
open a big production office.
now that they were movieproducers, they had to have an
office worthy of their newstatus." So I think Meat Loaf's
already a bit, cynical about it.
Uh.
The townhouse on Riverside Drivewas furnished in the most lavish
style imaginable." No, that'snot interesting
Sam (22:59):
You
Emma (23:00):
I was talking to my mum about, Meat Loaf's
autobiography.
'cause we did originally have itin book form.
And she was saying,"did you everread it?" I said,"I read parts
of it".
She said,"yeah, so did I.
It was written so badly and itwas so fucking boring"
Sam (23:15):
that at least proves that he didn't use a ghost writer.
Emma (23:17):
Yeah.
But it is, written really badly.
It focuses on admin more thanevents.
It's really weird becausethere's loads about his life
that I'd be quite interested tohear about.
I've not read the full thing.
I'll fess up.
But whenever I dip in, it isjust dull.
(23:37):
and this Film, it's, it's theworst bits of all sort of
eighties films.
It's, it's the worst bits ofrockumentaries.
I'm not a rockumentary fananyway.
but this was just a lot ofloading stuff in and out of, uh,
of
Sam (23:54):
trucks.
trucks.
Yeah.
A lot of part clips of showperformances.
Yeah.
Um,
Emma (24:02):
I think if they really wanted to do the documentary
route, it would've really niceto talk to members of the
Neverland Express
Sam (24:08):
yeah.
The Neverland Express playedthemselves in this
Emma (24:11):
Yeah,
Sam (24:11):
and were just sort of there.
Creatively plot wise, oh, I'm
Emma (24:15):
I'm
Sam (24:15):
so baffled by the decisions in this plot because it ends at
the end of Act One.
Effectively.
this is a classic life swapstory
Emma (24:24):
it's a Prince and the Pauper isn't It's a
Sam (24:26):
Prince and the Pauper it's a prisoner of Zenda.
Emma (24:29):
It's a Freaky
Sam (24:30):
It's a freaky Friday.
You swap lives and then you liveeach other's lives for a bit and
learn something about yourself.
And this film just ends on, theyswap lives.
And then that's it.
Yeah.
It's so confusing.
Why didn't they explore whathappens when a super fan a a a
(24:51):
probably autistic coded superfan lives the life of a rock and
roll star.
Yeah.
and the
Emma (24:56):
vice versa.
Sam (24:57):
lives his, that would be interesting and fun.
Emma (25:00):
it's trying to be two things because it's trying to be
a rockumentary.
But also it's trying to be acomedy.
Sam (25:05):
And it's,
Emma (25:06):
it's, it does nothing well.
Sam (25:08):
Meat Loaf plays himself badly.
Emma (25:10):
Yeah.
That's a real skill, isn't it?
Sam (25:13):
So many bits of the plot make no sense.
Marvin and Russell are followingthe band on tour all around the
country and it's clearly impliedthat they'd never get into the
show cause they can't afford to,but they can afford to drive all
around the country and stay inmotels.
it's like
Emma (25:29):
six months Yeah.
Sam (25:30):
have a shitty calendar montage.
Emma (25:33):
It's such a bad montage.
Sam (25:35):
I love the trope of the pages of the calendar by, but
even that, this film does badly.
would you like to hear what someof the people of the internet
had to say I'd love to hear thepeople of the internet have to
say,
Emma (25:47):
Kozy 5 5 5 who said,"in the seventies I grew a beard
because I had a strongresemblance to Meat Loaf and I
was tired of being mistaken forhim.
I couldn't go to a midnight showof Rocky Horror without getting
mobbed.
I love that.
Texas Stranger, 6 0 7 7.
(26:09):
I traveled from Virginia toSouthern California to get
married.
Pulling into LA we stopped at agas station so the soon to be
Mrs could call and getdirections to her dad's house.
"While she was in the store, mydoppelganger walked up to my
window and asked to bum a smoke.
He was glad I pulled out Camelsbecause that was what he smoked.
(26:32):
He not only looked like me, butalso dressed almost identically.
I gave him a light and an extrasmoke, and he walked off.
My best friend was sitting inthe back of the car.
"I asked him if he noticedsomething weird about that guy
that just bummed a smoke.
I was not sure if my thought ofhow much he looked like me was
really accurate or not.
My buddy replies, you mean thefact that he's your identical
(26:54):
twin brother.
"If I had known what was comingwith the marriage, I would've
knocked him in the head.
Put him in the front and let himmarry the crazy broad."
Sam (27:04):
Oh, he was ruined it with that last bit.
Emma (27:05):
Yeah.
Sam (27:07):
Emma, this is a fun game.
Who's your doppelganger?
Because I do have one.
Do you?
Yeah, my doppelganger is,Patrick Kearney of the Black
Keys.
He was the drummer in the BlackKeys.
If you look him up, you will seemy face.
Emma (27:23):
There is a definite resemblance there.
Yeah.
Gosh, that is.
I think you're aging indifferent directions.
Sam (27:30):
about 10 years ago we were identical and we also both had
the same leather jacket.
Emma (27:34):
Wow.
Are you pen pals?
Um, I feel like you should be,you dropped you an email.
You should've dropped you anemail.
I don't know if I havedoppelganger, I was once at a
goth night in Sheffield andsomebody that I didn't know came
up to me and said, hello, can Itake your picture?
You look just like my friend.
And I said, yeah.
Alright then.
(27:55):
So somewhere, maybe
Sam (27:58):
who is your doppelganger, let us know.
Chat out of hell@gmail.com
Emma (28:02):
Also, do you believe that if you meet your doppelganger,
then something bad weird's gonnahappen?
Sam (28:06):
Oh.
Also, you do know who yourdoppelganger is.
Have you ever been in asituation where nobody in the
film comments on the fact thatyou are identical except the
person you are identical Marvinis the world's biggest Meat Loaf
fan and nobody ever says, oh,you look quite a lot like him.
Actually,
Emma (28:27):
I.
Sam (28:30):
he could blagged his way backstage overthinking at any
point by saying, look at me, Iam Meat Loaf.
Let me into my own show.
Emma (28:38):
Stop overthinking it.
Sam (28:40):
There's not
Emma (28:41):
this is not a thinky one,
Sam (28:46):
that is what got me mad the most.
It's a film about twodoppelgangers and the only
person who knows they'reidentical is one of the two
doppelgangers.
Emma (28:57):
Yep.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
But Marvin wears those thickglasses and everybody knows that
glasses disguise you as the
Sam (29:05):
the Clark Kent card on me.
Emma (29:06):
play the Clark Kent card on me.
Yep.
I'm gonna play the Clark Kentcard because I know if I remove
my glasses Now
Sam (29:13):
who the fuck are you?
Where's Emma?
Emma (29:15):
Exactly.
I'm back.
Sam (29:18):
Oh, there was some weirdo in here just now.
Emma (29:20):
Oh that's so strange.
Sam (29:21):
I invited her to join the podcast.
Emma (29:24):
I assume she thought better of it.
She did.
Yeah.
She's got shit to do.
Sam (29:29):
in preparation for this
Emma (29:30):
film, Uhhuh,
Sam (29:31):
I did send a telegram to the government.
Emma (29:33):
Oh, I'm so glad that you
Sam (29:34):
it to my government handlers.
Yeah.
To ask them to, go into thesecret bunker and down the
ladder and then into the secretlift, and then scan the iris
thing into the doors and openthe big secret bunker doors and
then open a safe.
And in that safe, they found arating system for the director
(29:54):
Alan Nichols phew Which is good'cause I couldn't think of one
myself.
So Emma
Emma (30:00):
Uhhuh.
It's
Sam (30:00):
this film Alan Nichols?
Alan, This Film Trickles Alongor Alan Worse than a Kick In the
Dickles..
Emma (30:12):
Oh, beautifully
Sam (30:14):
Thank.
Go.
Emma (30:15):
Bravo to your government department.
Wait, not you never, not you.
Of course.
Um, God Kick in the
Sam (30:22):
yes.
is definitely, and Alan worse.
Alan Worse than a Kick in theDickles.
Oh,
Emma (30:31):
owie.
Sam (30:31):
Ooh.
Emma (30:34):
So, Sam, what film did you bring,
Sam (30:37):
Emma, I brought the film Bloodrayne.
Emma (30:39):
Is it as good as it sounds no,
Sam (30:43):
this is a video game, spinoff film from 2005, directed
by Uwe Boll, who has directed 11video games, spinoff movies,
Emma (30:53):
how many of them have been box office hits
Sam (30:58):
if you allow for rounding errors.
None.
In this film, Meat Loaf playsLeonid.
Yes.
Who is, a scene stealing vampireLord?
He's a hedonistic vampire Lord,who occupies a, fun but weird
scene about halfway through thefilm.
(31:18):
Yeah.
And then disappears again.
So we are left to review a filmwith almost nothing to do with
Meat Loaf, really.
But here we go.
Bloodrayne.
Old timey, medieval paintings,incredibly cheap credit
Emma (31:33):
font, The kind you
Sam (31:34):
for free in iMovie.
Emma (31:37):
It wouldn't surprise me if this was edited in iMovie.
Sam (31:40):
the camera pans over rocks and mountains to a cross on a
hill that never comes up again.
A ye olde market town.
Filthy people wonder about, butnot that
Emma (31:49):
filthy I was gonna say, I, `I`` had a note about this.
Sam (31:52):
not That filthy because it's not in budget.
Emma (31:55):
It looks too clean and too well
Sam (31:56):
lit.
It's very clean and
Emma (31:58):
well.
It's never a good sign.
Everyone knows that everyone wascovered in a thick layer of shit
in those times.
It needs more authenticity.
Sam (32:06):
An innkeeper gives a man a scroll.
Emma (32:09):
The least convincing raggedy flyer I've ever seen.
I had to go at making somethinglike this when I was 11
Sam (32:15):
and
Emma (32:16):
it was better.
Yes, you're right.
It's, it's the it, soak it inand in tea pop in the bit,
Sam (32:26):
it's flyer for a circus.
In the background, another manturns out to be a big badass who
just kills a passing vampiredude.
Emma (32:33):
dude.
Sam (32:35):
The inkeeper tells a tale of this circus, which keeps a
lady with red hair called Rayne,who burns in water and can be
all cut up, but then she drinksblood and heals.
Emma (32:44):
dumb.
Sam (32:44):
I know there wasn't any telly in ye olde days, but this
surely isn't good entertainment.
I'd ask for my money back.
Emma (32:49):
just, after that, there is a clap of thunder for absolutely
no reason.
The night is shown to be clear,there is even a shot of the
moon.
That bothers me.
Sam (33:07):
When not circusing Rayne gets kept in a cage.
Emma (33:11):
She's visited by her mawkish twat of a friend.
Sam (33:17):
Her pal sneaks a cross through the bars, but in
violation of vampire lore itdoesn't burn her up.
Ooh, cut to Evil Castle BenKingsley.
Looking as bored as I feel,tells some junior fucker to go
find Rayne.
Ben Kingsley plays the villainin this piece.
(33:37):
A man called Kagan.
Yeah.
Uh, that is not Supreme CourtJustice.
Eleanor Kagan.
Ben Kingsley's such a good actorthat he, not this.
No.
he's such a good actor that hecan show not even boredom on his
face as he regrets his waythrough his film.
Emma (33:59):
the director have some awful photographs of him doing
something inappropriate?
Sam (34:03):
Alright, right, we'll cut straight to this.
it?
In an interview, Ben Kingsleywas asked, what were you
thinking when he accepted a rolein Bloodrayne?
It's so hard to imagine someoneso gifted, not realizing what a
terrible film that would be.
I don't know whether to be upsetor flattered by that question,
to be honest.
I've just always wanted to playa vampire with the teeth and the
long black cape.
(34:24):
Let's say that my motives weresomewhat immature for doing it."
Emma (34:30):
That is a brilliant
Sam (34:31):
I've got a lot of respect for that.
Yeah.
respect.
He sends one of his guys to gofind Rayne, but in the meantime,
she escapes in a confusingflashback, flash forward
flashback
Emma (34:40):
We see her escape through the flashbacks while she
screams.
she's covered in blood and inthe flashback she's about to be
raped by a creepy dude, but shesmashes him over the head with a
bottle making him bleed, andthat sets off her blood lust,
which makes her super strong andshe kills everyone.
And then she bites her mawkishtwat of a friend.
Sam (35:00):
She murders and stabs up all the circus baddies.
Yep.
The cool, tough vampire hunterteam bicker on their way to the
circus to show how cool andtough they are.
Emma (35:09):
Oh look, it's Anna Lucia off of Lost.
And so throughout I will bereferring to her as Anna Lucia
off of Lost.
Sam (35:17):
they, do all have names, but my notes insist on them
being called the main one, thegirl one, and the other one.
Emma (35:24):
Well, the girl one is definitely Anna Lucia off of
Lost and is just as unlikeablein this as she was in Lost.
Sam (35:31):
Good to know.
Is she a better actor in Lost?
Emma (35:34):
Not really.
No.
She's in it for a mercifullyshort span.
We cut to, the girl one's dad.
Sam (35:40):
Yeah, the girl one's dad is played by Billy Zane.
Emma (35:43):
he doesn't look old enough to be a dad in this,
Sam (35:45):
but he is of course a vampire.
Emma (35:47):
Catherine's dad, who I think has been turned by the
vampires or something, sends hera letter that is full of
exposition.
Sam (35:55):
A boring man dictates a letter to his boring secretary.
This is clearly an attemptedexposition, but it's so boring I
can't concentrate because in thespeech he makes mistakes and
says like, oh, no, correct thatbit.
Actually, write this instead.
Like most films would do adramatic voiceover of the letter
with
Emma (36:15):
him.
Sam (36:15):
No, not this film.
Apparently there is somethingcalled a brimstone society, and
the boring man wants hisdaughter in charge of
Emma (36:24):
Everything is very orange in this world.
The color correction in it ishorrible.
It's just there.
I don't like the look of it.
It's, headache inducing.
Sam (36:34):
Rayne saves some settlers from vampires.
She has some impractical lookingarm swords that she got from her
monkish
Emma (36:41):
Don't you think all the weapons and the jewelry in this
film look really fucking
Sam (36:46):
Incredibly cheap props.
Emma (36:47):
They look like they've been made from melted down
cutlery.
Sam (36:51):
Yes, that's exactly,
Emma (36:55):
Look
Sam (36:55):
so
Emma (36:56):
cheap.
Yes.
Sam (36:57):
She meets a fortune teller lady who tells her that she's
part vampire, part human, whichsurely is all vampires.
yeah.
everybody in this film is insuch a hurry.
All lines are delivered at agalloping pace, presumably, so
that the actor can go home againand get
Emma (37:15):
away from this room.
Sam (37:18):
Back to Castle Evil again, where Ben Kingsley again tells
his skivvy to go kill her.
Yeah.
Uh, there's lots of swoopingfootage of people traveling like
in Lord of the Rings, butcompletely unearned.
And the scenery isn't.
That good?
Emma (37:34):
not with,
Sam (37:34):
it's all right.
It's lovely.
I'd go on holiday there, but,
Emma (37:38):
but, it's not Middle earth is it?
Sam (37:40):
goes to a monastery and delivers some wooden dialogue.
Woodenly the monks welcome in tofeed her and she eats woodenly
with a wooden spoon Spied uponby monks.
She pops down into their cellarwhere a disfigured bloke with a
hammer is having a nap.
accidentally wakes him whiletrying to steal his crucifix,
and they have a boss fight.
Emma (38:03):
That's exactly what it's, isn't it?
It's a boss fight?
And this is the bit where I haveto drop a revelation on your
head, Emma, because we know thisfilm is a video game adaptation.
My wife Kat, watched this filmwith me last night.
She piped up at this point Ifyou hadn't told me this film was
adapted from a video game, Iwould've guessed Yes.
Because it has boss fights andit has like stupid QuickTime
(38:26):
events where she has the pressdodge at the right moment.
Yeah.
And all that.
But the plot of the video gameis about a sexy lady vampire who
fights Nazis.
In World War II.
So it's nothing to
Sam (38:41):
to do with it.
So all of the video gamey feelsthat you might think, oh, that
just must be a scene from thegame.
No.
Somebody wrote this to feel likea video game when it wasn't one.
Emma (38:50):
Oh God.
Because there's a bit coming up.
she's defeated the boss and getsinto the room, the, the stupid
spicy wheels Yeah.
The spinny, The spinny wheels.
Yeah.
That is pure video game.
Sam (39:07):
There might as well have been a flashing A button come up
On the screen to press at theright moment.
Emma (39:11):
She wins, steals his cross key thing goes into the eye
room.
'cause she's looking for a magiceye.
Not that kind of magic eye thatwould've been fun.
an actual eyeball, which is fullof badly animated spinning
blades.
They're no match for her, forher, but Oh, no.
When she steals the eye box, theroom fills with water, which is
(39:32):
her weakness.
She dangles from the ceiling andabsorbs the eye she's been
looking for, which makes her invulnerable to water, which is
convenient,
Sam (39:40):
Just like in a video game.
Yes.
Where you unlock the power toclimb over walls.
Halfway through.
Emma (39:46):
The head of the monks arrived, for some war
exposition.
Sam (39:49):
Ben Kingsley's army of cheap fight scenes attacks.
The monks respond with their ownvery cheap fight scenes.
It's all so unexciting.
The fight scenes are boring.
They don't fast
Emma (40:02):
forward through the fight scenes.
like
Sam (40:04):
all slow and stilted and they clearly didn't have the
budget for a proper fightcoordinator and, um, what's the
word?
Choreographer.
thank you.
But they know that the licensedemands exactly that sort of
thing.
Emma (40:17):
Anna Lucia off of lost, has turned up along with the
other two.
they're doing some killing.
and the main one spots Rayne'smagic eye.
but she's captured.
And so the three of them go backto their shit village.
But Anna Lucia off of Lost thenfinds the letter from her dad.
Sam (40:34):
And then we cut to a scene where Ben Kingsley dRaynes a
girl's blood for no reason Noreason to.
We already knew he was a baddie.
We knew he
Emma (40:41):
was a vare.
Didn't mean to see it.
Sam (40:42):
Got that scene anyway.
Emma (40:43):
Wasn't even all that gratuitous either.
because they could have thrownin some gratuitous, sexy,
vampire stuff, but he just bither
Sam (40:50):
Oh, don't worry, Emma.
Because we get to Meat Loaf's
Emma (40:54):
bitch.
Oh,
Sam (40:55):
a Meat Loaf is a vampire lord who lives in the folly of
an English country
Emma (41:01):
Yep.
It's bonkers and I love it.
Sam (41:04):
Uh, his name is Leon.
We cut to Meat Loaf in bed,surrounded by topless
Emma (41:10):
He's got a terrible long blonde gray wig.
Can I just say the hair in thisfilm?
shit.
Dog shit.
really awful Bad wigseverywhere.
So bad.
Critics ridiculed the directorfor hiring actual prostitutes
instead of actors, in this sceneto save on production costs.
How awful is that?
(41:30):
It's horrible.
It's a really horrible thing.
Yeah.
Sam (41:32):
yeah.
Especially because Meat Loaf hasa proper old grope of one of
their boobs.
Emma (41:38):
He plays with blood and boobs, doesn't he?
Yeah.
He smears some blood on theprostitutes.
Sorry, the sex workers' boobs.
Sam (41:46):
Right on sister.
Emma (41:47):
Yeah.
Damn right.
Meat Loaf's got a really creepyvoice in this, don't you think?
Sam (41:51):
Meat Loaf has about five minutes maybe in this film,
tops.
He does portray a sex mad orgyvampire monster quite well.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I, I think, I think he does agood job here.
The whole shtick is that BenKingsley's skivvy is trying to
leave Rayne there, I thinkduring the
Emma (42:09):
day.
Yeah.
Sam (42:10):
they're trying to move on.
and Meat Loaf lives in thispalace that's fucked up.
There's Vampire orgies going
Emma (42:17):
vampire going on.
There's people being sort ofhung up and dRayneed of their
blood.
Yeah.
Sam (42:21):
In, and that is the best bit of fx slash
Emma (42:24):
Set design this is probably the most horror aspect,
Sam (42:27):
yeah, there's some real creepy, horrible vibes to Loaf's
The main hunter and the otherone Come in and they have
another boss fight with MeatLoaf.
Which involves smashing all thewindows so that he's caught in
the sunlight, you know, like youhave to do against the boss in
Mario.
Emma (42:44):
Meat Loaf goes on fire in a very unconvincing way,
Sam (42:47):
And then Ben Kingsley is mad that his lads failed, but
you wouldn't know it from hisface.
face Rayne tells her tragicbackstory to the heroes, but I'm
so bored, I didn't really listento it.
Emma (43:00):
The other one doubts it.
Sam (43:02):
But the main one is convinced she's a goodie.
The girl one argues with themain one.
And then We get a tRayneingmontage.
Where Rayne learns
Emma (43:09):
how
Sam (43:09):
to use swords, there's a bit where the girl one looks on
eating an apple, which is theuniversal film sign of being too
cool for this.
Yes, I do that.
That's a trope that I love.
Emma (43:24):
Anna Lucia off of Lost has no time for this shit.
Sam (43:27):
Uh, and then Rayne and the other one have a, whose story is
saddest
Emma (43:30):
Oh
Sam (43:31):
God.
And then as I was looking downto type up my notes, suddenly
they are having an awkward sexscene.
Emma (43:38):
Yep., so prior to this, the other one delivers some new
clothes to Rayne.
is sad, the other one is sadtoo.
Rayne now understands that otherpeople can be sad.
This shit is deep.
Sam (43:53):
shit is deep.
Emma (43:54):
Rayne Dreams about all the shit that's happened to her so
far that I've written, this isboring.
She goes to see the other one.
and they've obviously got aconnection now and they have
some of the most awkward,uncomfortable sex I have ever
seen.
Sam (44:08):
Everything about that sex scene is horrible.
2005 is kind of towards the endof the, the trope of this having
to happen.
But in the nineties, everyaction film for some reason had
a sex scene in it where youcould see the girls' tits.
Emma (44:20):
It was all about the tits.
It.
was
Sam (44:21):
But successful action films of this era, which did this,
had, like the music matched whatyou were seeing on the scene and
the gasping that the actorsdidn't sound like two goats
Emma (44:35):
falling cliff.
There is nothing.
Sam (44:40):
It's so long.
Yeah.
It's such like the traditionalway to do this.
Emma (44:45):
mean that's, that's what she said for, for a start.
Sam (44:50):
Are you listening?
Alan Nichols.
But the way you do this sexscene is like
Emma (45:01):
tits and
Sam (45:02):
tits, and then cut away to the morning where they're both
lying in bed, together.
But this sex scene lasted likethree minutes.
It was so uncomfortable.
It was horrible.
Ben Kingsley gives a very woodenspeech, exalting his lads to
crack on and find the eye.
Emma (45:18):
Now that, uh, now that they've done a sex, Rayne feels
comfortable joining the othersin the dining room.
That's right.
Sort of becomes pals with thegirl one, but not really.
And then they have a duel
Sam (45:31):
and then Ben Kingsley's skivvy argues with the girl
one's Vampire dad
Emma (45:35):
Oh, I didn't care about that at all.
Sam (45:38):
And I think that's the last we see of the
Emma (45:40):
Yeah.
Sam (45:41):
Which is weird.
Emma (45:43):
That's, that's just the end of that bit
Sam (45:45):
Rayne, the main one and the other one go to some other
secret place to get differentswords
Emma (45:51):
from a butcher, isn't he?
he He's
Sam (45:52):
a butcher and you know which butcher he is.
Emma (45:55):
Which butcher is
Sam (45:56):
he?
That butcher was played byMichael Paré, Pere,
Emma (45:59):
that's who he was.
Sam (46:00):
Michael Paré from, of course, Streets of Fire, the
incredibly wooden lead actorfinally finding a role that
matches his talent.
Emma (46:10):
I believe Michael Paré, plays other roles in other films
in this franchise.
Sam (46:15):
He does, He plays roles in all three of the Bloodrayne
movies and a lot of other filmsfor Uwe Boll as well.
So I think they're mates thegirl one turns out to be a
traitor.
she deads up all the brimstoneplace
Emma (46:28):
while they're off at the butchers.
Sam (46:30):
the Then Rayne returns and tracks the girl one to an
undergo water cave.
Good job.
Rayne can do water.
Now they have an underwaterfight.
Emma (46:38):
This is another scene from a video game, isn't it?
Sam (46:40):
it feels like it?
doesn't it?
the girl one stabs her and itlooks like she might lose, but
then suddenly she wins.
Rayne has retrieved the heartthat they're all looking for,
but she goes off to Castle Evilto hand it over to Ben Kingsley.
Yes.
and in return she goes toVampire Jail
Emma (46:57):
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Sam (46:58):
and then the main one and the other one fuck up their
attack on the castle and alsogoes to vampire jail's.
Quite
Emma (47:03):
She's quite convenient really, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
All end up in the same jail,
Sam (47:06):
is conveniently allows the main one to drop the last bit of
exposition, which is that theforthcoming ceremony will remove
Rayne's soul.
and then she gets tied to analtar.
Ben Kingsley Woodenly says somethings in a ceremony in a big
hall.
Emma (47:22):
the main one or the other one, trick their way out of the
cells in an absolutely bullshitway
Sam (47:27):
Shouldn't
Emma (47:28):
that
Sam (47:28):
be allowed.
He just says, oh, my matesdisappeared.
Come and have a look for him.
They pick up their stuff, whichwas conveniently all piled up
next to their jail cell, andthen they all wander off to the
final fight.
Oh
Emma (47:42):
Oh God.
Sam (47:43):
Each of them has a fight with a thematically appropriate
opponent.
Yep.
The main one fights the vampireskivvy.
Rayne fights a vampire girl whoI don't think has previously
appeared, but just is around.
Yeah.
And then two lads hold the mainone down, and Ben Kingsley just
walks directly at him holdingout a sword.
Even in a fight scene, BenKingsley is determined to do no
(48:05):
acting.
The fight comes down to Rayne vBen Kingsley.
And she wins with the help ofthe other one who then dies.
Everyone in the castle is dead.
Rayne sits in his chair.
Her face is totally impassive.
Is that acting or a completelack of
Emma (48:22):
acting?
Sam (48:24):
End of film.
Emma (48:25):
Oh, I hated it I've written down here, they spent 25
million on this and I have noidea where that money went.
Maybe the catering wasexcellent.
everything's awful in it.
The dialogue is way too low inthe mix and so it can't be heard
well over the music.
Yes.
So even that shit,
Sam (48:42):
the
Emma (48:43):
mixing makes my head hurt.
The SFX are sixth form at best.
The acting is awful.
It's not even so shit, it'sgood.
It's just plotting.
Meat Loaf was nominated at the2007 Stinkers Bad Movie Awards
for Worst Supporting Actor,
Sam (49:00):
among many other people.
This film won I think two goldenraspberries.
Yeah.
Emma (49:04):
it's got 4% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Talking about Boll.
He's quite, the chap seems likean absolute nightmare of a
human.
Determined to make terriblefilms and has been refused the
right to several video gamefranchises as a result.
He's challenged his critics to aboxing match.
Sam (49:21):
Yes, that did happen.
Emma (49:22):
Everything I've read about him makes him sound like a mad
bullheaded guy who just wants tomake stupid movies.
We talked about the
Sam (49:29):
Yeah.
That was before we startedrecording.
Emma (49:31):
Ah, we'll talk about the financing.
Sam (49:33):
Let's talk about the financing.
Oh.
all of his films lose money atthe box office.
This film was made for$25million and it made 2.4 million
at the box office,
Emma (49:42):
which is quite the loss.
Sam (49:45):
but Uwe Boll effectively financed many of his films
through a German tax loophole.
Yeah.
Where he might, I think half ofthe money spent on the film came
back to him somehow.
uh,
Emma (49:58):
It's very dodgy.
Sam (49:59):
but that loophole was closed at a certain
Emma (50:01):
point, which is when he stopped making films and opened
a restaurant instead
Sam (50:05):
Just going back to the, video game franchises that
didn't want him.
Emma (50:09):
Okay.
Sam (50:09):
Just to say, BloodRayne the video game is the definition of,
a six out of 10 video
Emma (50:14):
game.
Yeah.
Sam (50:14):
was never a big, massive smash, but it did quite all
right.
Sexy Lady vampires always sell.
Other games, Uwe Bowl hasadapted, include Alone in the
Dark, which was a sort of horrorgame franchise in the late
nineties, early two thousands.
Again, occupies that sort of hewas linked potentially to Metal
Gear These days, that'sabsolutely huge money.
(50:35):
Yeah.
Series creator, hid Kajima,responded.
"It's impossible that we'd everdo a movie with
Emma (50:39):
him."
Sam (50:41):
He also made a bid to adapt an adaptation of the Warcraft
series
Emma (50:44):
again.
Huge.
Yeah.
And
Sam (50:46):
there was a Warcraft movie
Emma (50:47):
Yeah.
A few years
Sam (50:48):
ago.
I've never seen it.
I've heard it was quite shit,but still sold very well.
Emma (50:51):
Right.
Sam (50:51):
he was turned away by the owners of the franchise Blizzard
who said,"we will not sell themovie rights.
Not to you.
Especially not to you.
to you.
One critic has dubbed him theJonas Brothers of movie
directors and, Maitlin McDonoughof TV guide wrote,"though
indisputably the best of Ooeyball's first three video game
(51:12):
into film adaptations.
This glory, ludicrous horroraction picture isn't good by any
standard."
Emma (51:19):
Yep.
Sam (51:20):
I hate to imagine the other two.
Emma (51:23):
don't have to watch any anymore in the Bloodrayne.
Sam (51:26):
Well, nominally we could put it into Sequel club, but I
dunno, I think we've dipped intoenough Uwe Boll for one
lifetime.
Yeah.
This isn't an Uwe Boll podcast.
It,
Emma (51:37):
and it never will be.
Sam,
Sam (51:41):
I had a dream last and in that dream, I dreamed of an Uwe
Boll rating system handed to me
Emma (51:51):
to me You've got to stop eating cheese that late at
night.
Sam (51:54):
And in my dream, the voice whispered.
Is this Uwe Boll?
Is it Oooh, Eeeh, this FilmCould Use a Bit of Bollish.
ey bollocks.
Emma (52:09):
Uwe Bollocks.
Sam Uwe Bollocks.
It's
Sam (52:11):
Uwe Bollocks.
Emma (52:13):
Uwe Bollocks.
Sounds like a very unpleasantcomplaint.
Sam (52:17):
Oh, he's got really ey bollocks,
Emma (52:21):
I wouldn't go near him.
He's got ooey
Sam (52:23):
but I'd still rather have Ooey Bullocks watch Bloodrayne
again.
Emma (52:29):
Ah,
Sam (52:29):
so there we go.
That was our two films.
Listeners.
Have you seen any of them Again,don't watch them on our, don't
watch them.
Emma (52:36):
Please don't,
Sam (52:36):
them.
But if you have seen either ofthem, heaven forbid if you've
seen any of the Bloodraynesequels, do drop us, an email
chat out of hell.
Let us know what you think aboutthem.
And then gird your loins for thereturn of Chat out of Hell.
Yeah.
Series four is coming in twoweeks time And we'll be starting
with a dive into the
Emma (52:57):
Dream Engine.
Sam (53:01):
dream, dream, dream,
Emma (53:05):
Engine
Sam (53:06):
which, again, most of you probably won't have been exposed
to.
I'm not suggesting you doeither, but if you are
interested, there is a, Isuppose it's not really a
bootleg, cause he recorded ithimself, but there's a,
recording of it on JimSteinman's website or a script.
So we are gonna expose ourselvesto that.
If you have any opinions onthat, do let us know.
chatoutofhell@gmail.com Also.
(53:27):
In a couple of weeks we'll begoing to see the Bat out of Hell
musical.
Emma (53:30):
so excited about it.
Sam (53:32):
All of this will have been worthwhile if you've seen the
Bat Out of Hell musical.
If you have thoughts, if youhave opinions, if you have
reviews, drop us a line
Emma (53:41):
Please
Sam (53:42):
chatoutofhell@gmail.com.
Not quite sure what we're gonnado with our review of the
musical.
It might be a bonus special orsomething, but send us any of
your thoughts on it and we'llgladly take those on board.
Emma (53:57):
We are dead rock and roll.
So we are going to a matineeperformance of it
Sam (54:01):
specifically so that we have time afterwards to go and
record our thoughts becauseotherwise I'd have to run off
for my train.
So yeah, that's exciting.
If you are going to see the Batout of Hell tour, let us know as
well.
chatoutofhell@gmail.com.
I've said the email addressenough.
Any other business today, Emma,All right, thank you all very
(54:22):
much for listening to Chat Outof Hell Film Club, and we'll see
you all in two weeks' time forseries four of Chat out of Hell.
Yay.
Bye
Emma (54:29):
bye.
Sam (54:30):
Bow Now.
Now, now.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!