November 15, 2024 • 25 mins
Unlock the secrets of your relationship dynamics as we take a deep dive into the world of attachment styles. Ever wondered why some relationships feel secure while others are filled with uncertainty? Join us as we explore the foundations laid by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, tracing how our earliest bonds with caregivers shape our adult connections. Discover how understanding these patterns can empower you to break free from generational cycles and foster healthier, more secure attachments. This episode offers not just insights but a promise of transformation, guiding you towards more fulfilling relationships and a deeper sense of self-awareness.
As we journey through the intricacies of secure and anxious attachment styles, you'll find yourself reflecting on your own relationship patterns. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, we shed light on emotional intelligence and the importance of self-awareness as cornerstones of personal growth. Whether you're navigating the emotional roller coaster of an anxious attachment or striving for the balance of a secure one, this discussion promises to enhance your understanding and inspire positive change. Remember, self-improvement is a continuous journey, and while this podcast provides guidance, seeking professional help when necessary is crucial. Tune in for an episode that's both enlightening and empowering, and embark on a journey towards healthier, more balanced connections.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever felt anxious in your relationship,
always needing reassurance thateverything's okay?
Or maybe you're the oppositeyou need space and tend to pull
back when things start to getserious.
Or maybe you found yourselfdating people who seem clingy or
struggle with commitment.
Today we're diving deep intoattachment styles what they mean
, how they shape ourrelationships and how knowing
(00:21):
your style can actually help youbuild stronger, healthier
connections.
So let's get into it.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(00:41):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:02):
the 23rd episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode we're going tobe focusing on attachment styles
.
Thank you to all of you who'vestarted to register for my
31-day journaling challenge,starting on December the 1st.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
(01:23):
If you'd like to register toreceive daily journaling prompts
throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontact me through my website
at thecodependentdoctorcom.
I wanted to do an episode onattachment styles because we're
seeing these terms pop up allover social media.
I'm always a little reluctantto put people into categories,
(01:46):
especially with something ascomplex as attachment styles.
Sure, labels like anxious,avoidant, secure and
disorganized can help usunderstand certain patterns in
relationships, but they also canlead to some issues if we're
not careful.
These labels can oversimplifywho we are.
We're complex beings and ourrelationships are complex as
well.
(02:06):
When we're told that we havecertain attachment styles, it's
easy to start viewing everythingthrough that lens and even
reinforcing it.
For example, if you think thatyou're anxious, you might start
interpreting normal relationshipstruggles as proof of that
anxiety, which can become aself-fulfilling cycle.
Labels can also cause issues inrelationships.
It's tempting to blame aproblem on someone being
(02:28):
avoidant or anxious rather thanlooking at the bigger picture.
Relationships can be a mix ofdynamics, different
personalities, differentexperiences.
So when we rely too heavily onthese labels, we miss out on
understanding the whole story.
Attachment styles can alsochange over time and with
different experiences.
Just because you learn one waydoesn't mean that you're stuck
(02:48):
there.
If we hold on too tightly tothese categories, then we can
risk overlooking growth andpositive traits that you might
have or situational factors thatplay a huge role in how we
connect with others.
So while attachment styles canbe useful as tools, I think it's
important to stay flexible andopen to change.
Attachment styles start formingwhen we're really young, based
(03:09):
on how we connect with ourcaregivers.
Imagine a baby that's trying tofigure out the world.
If their parents or caregiversare consistent and loving and
respond to their needs, the babylearns to feel secure.
They start to think people arethere for me when I need them,
feel secure.
They start to think people arethere for me when I need them,
and this early experience canlead to a secure attachment
style where they feelcomfortable getting close to
others and trusting people.
(03:30):
But not every kid has thatsteady support.
Some kids grow up withcaregivers who are sometimes
there, but sometimes not, like abad Wi-Fi signal.
That's almost good enough.
Sometimes it's strong anddependable and other times it
just flakes out and disappears.
Maybe parents are there andloving one day, but distracted
or unavailable the next.
Some caregivers areconsistently distant or even
(03:53):
discouraging when it comes toshowing emotions.
These attachment styles oftenget passed down through
generations almost like a familyheirloom, but instead of an
object, it's a way of relatingto others.
This happens because the waythat we're raised impacts how we
learn to connect and how webring those same patterns into
our relationships, including howwe parent.
Generational patterns likethese are often unconscious.
(04:15):
We usually don't recognize thembecause they're just how it's
always been.
But when we understand our ownattachment style, we get a
chance to break that cycle.
By doing the work to becomemore secure in our attachments,
we can change the way that weconnect with those around us,
and that shift can have a rippleeffect impacting not just
ourselves but future generationstoo.
(04:36):
Attachment styles were firstdeveloped by John Bowlby, who
figured that the way that weconnect with our caregivers as
kids will impact how we relateto others.
Later on, in the 1970s, hisstudent, mary Ainsworth ran an
experiment called StrangeSituation, where she observed
how babies reacted when theirmoms left and when they came
back, and it's based on thesebabies' reactions that she
(04:58):
identified three main attachmentstyles secure, anxious and
avoidant.
Later on, researchers added afourth style called disorganized
, and this was for kids, whoshowed a mix of anxious and
avoidant behaviors, usually dueto inconsistent or unpredictable
caregiving.
And these styles help explainwhy some of us feel totally
comfortable with closeness,while others might feel anxious
(05:20):
or prefer to keep their distance.
It all starts with those earlybonds.
People with a secure attachmentstyle feel comfortable with
closeness and independence.
They trust others easily andare good with balancing time
with loved ones and time ontheir own.
Think of them as the folks whodon't mind texting first, but
also don't panic if they don'thear back right away.
Anxiously attached people cravecloseness and reassurance.
(05:43):
They're the ones who might readinto texts or worry if
someone's a little slow torespond.
It's like they're alwayschecking the emotional weather
forecast to make sure thateverything's sunny.
Avoidantly attached people liketheir space and tend to feel a
little suffocated.
With too much closeness.
They might keep relationshipsat an arm's length, kind of like
(06:03):
yeah, I like you, but don't gettoo cozy over there.
People with a disorganizedattachment style often want
closeness but also feel nervousabout it.
It's a bit of a mix, like beingat the buffet where you want to
have a little bit of everything, but you're also afraid to
commit to one plate.
Most of us don't go through lifelabeling ourselves like anxious
or avoidant life labelingourselves like anxious or
(06:26):
avoidant.
We're just doing the best inour relationships and dealing
with the ups and downs,sometimes feeling like things
are chaotic and wondering whycertain patterns keep repeating
themselves.
Maybe we keep finding ourselveswith people who pull away when
we try to get close, or we feeluncomfortable when a partner
gets too emotionally invested.
Often we don't connect theseexperiences with anything deeper
.
We just think why doesn't thisever work out for me?
Deep down, most of us want asecure and steady relationship
(06:50):
where we feel comfortable withcloseness and independence.
We crave that balance but don'talways know how to achieve it,
and getting there can take sometime.
For some it might feel likebeing secure is out of reach,
and it's only something thatother people get to experience
is out of reach and it's onlysomething that other people get
to experience.
But the truth is, understandingour attachment style and where
it came from can be the firststep in moving towards that
balance.
When we start to explore ourattachment patterns and look
(07:13):
back at how we were raised, itcan be a huge aha moment.
Our early experiences shaped theway that we approach
relationships.
If you grew up with parents andcaregivers who were
inconsistent, sometimes warm andsometimes distant, you might
find yourself gravitatingtowards people who give mixed
signals, trying to earn theirattention.
Or if closeness wasoverwhelming or even discouraged
(07:34):
as a kid, you mightinstinctively pull back in adult
relationships, maybe withouteven realizing it.
Knowing your attachment styleisn't about boxing yourself in.
It's about gaining insight.
Once you start recognizing whycertain patterns keep showing up
, it's easier to figure out whatmight help you feel more secure
.
For example, if you're moreanxious, it might help to set
(07:55):
boundaries around communication,to give yourself space to
breathe before reacting.
If you're avoidant, it can beabout learning to share more
with someone you trust so thatcloseness starts to feel more
natural.
Achieving that secure, balancedrelationship we all crave
doesn't happen overnight.
It's a process of small, steadychanges and learning to trust,
to set boundaries and to knowthat it's okay to ask for what
(08:19):
you need.
The great thing is, byunderstanding our attachment
style, we can begin to shiftthese patterns and make changes
that help us connect more deeplyand authentically.
With time and self-awareness,we can move closer to having the
healthy, secure relationshipthat we want.
Having a secure relationship islike finally exhaling after
holding your breath.
(08:39):
It's the steady, reliableconnection where you feel safe
to be yourself without worryingabout constant drama or guessing
games.
In a secure relationship, bothpeople feel comfortable being
close, but also have the freedomto do their own thing without
anyone freaking out or feelingneglected.
Imagine being able to say Ineed a night to myself without
(09:00):
worrying that the other personis going to be hurt or offended.
Or picture being able toaddress issues openly, knowing
that neither of you is going tobe ghosted or blow up.
That's the beauty of securerelationship.
Both people can handle thetough stuff without making each
other feel guilty or unloved.
In a secure relationship,there's a natural balance.
You genuinely enjoy spendingtime together, but you'll also
(09:22):
have your own lives, hobbies andfriends.
There's no clinging or pushingaway.
You're both in it because youwant to be, not because you feel
like you have to be.
This kind of relationship isabout trust, respect and mutual
support, and it just feelsstable.
It's not perfect, but there's adeep confidence that, no matter
what, you'll both be able towork through things together At
(09:45):
the end of the day.
A secure relationship is aboutfeeling connected, yet free Free
to be yourself, express yourneeds and know that you're with
someone who has your back,without any emotional tug-of-war
.
It's a relationship where youcan finally relax and enjoy the
journey together.
People who feel secure likelyhad parents who were loving,
responsive and provided aconsistent and safe environment.
(10:08):
Parents are consistentlyresponsive.
When parents respond to achild's needs regularly and with
care, whether the child ishungry, scared or just needs a
cuddle.
It teaches the child thatthey're safe and valued, and
this reliability helps the childdevelop trust in others,
knowing that people will bethere for them.
These parents encourageexploration, and secure
(10:29):
attachment isn't about beingglued together.
It's about letting the childfeel confident to explore.
Parents who provide a safe baseallow their child to explore
the world, knowing that they cancome back to the safety when
they need to.
This balance helps kids feelindependent and secure in
themselves.
These parents show affection andpositivity.
Kids thrive when they feelgenuinely loved and appreciated.
(10:51):
Parents who show affection,warmth and encouragement help
their kids feel valued andconfident.
This creates a sense ofsecurity where the child knows
that they're loved just forbeing themselves.
Secure parents model healthyboundaries.
Secure attachments also involvehealthy boundaries.
Parents who respect theirchild's feelings, allow them to
express themselves and modelrespectful interactions, are
(11:13):
teaching them that boundariesare okay and that relationships
don't have to be all-consuming.
Secure parents also handleemotions calmly.
Kids learn emotional regulationfrom their parents, so when
parents handle emotions calmly,especially during meltdowns or
conflicts, the child learns thatemotions are safe and
manageable.
This teaches them how to dealwith their feelings without fear
(11:34):
or avoidance.
Manageable this teaches themhow to deal with their feelings
without fear or avoidance.
With anxiously attachedrelationships, it can feel a bit
like riding an emotional rollercoaster.
There's a constant sense ofwondering are we okay?
And there's a need forreassurance that the other
person cares.
People in an anxious attachmentoften worry about whether their
partner's feelings are asstrong as theirs or if they're
(11:55):
really as invested in therelationship.
This can lead to things likechecking your phone a lot,
replaying conversations in yourhead or feeling uneasy if your
partner doesn't reply quickly.
In an anxious relationship,it's not that there's no love.
There can actually be tons ofit.
It's just that there's also abit of nervous energy, a feeling
of needing to keep thatconnection close, to feel secure
(12:16):
.
Even small things like apartner.
Not texting back right away orwanting a night to themselves
can trigger a flood of what-ifsand do they still care?
It can be exhausting to alwaysfeel like the relationship needs
reassurance.
If you're anxiously attached,you might need to seek
reassurance, asking things likedo you still love me or are we
(12:37):
okay?
Checking in several times a day, whether by text or by phone.
Asking things like what are youup to?
Frequently worrying about thefuture on a regular basis, do
you still love me?
Do you still want to be with me?
Need physical or emotionalcloseness to feel like you're
wanted.
Apologize or takeresponsibility quickly saying
things like I'm sorry if I didsomething to upset you.
(12:59):
Just let me know if I did.
Or I didn't mean to sound soneedy, I just worry sometimes.
The upside to anxiously attachedpeople is that they're often
deeply caring, emotionally tunedin and very committed.
They genuinely love being closeand put a lot of effort into
making their partner feel valued.
The challenge, though, islearning to feel secure without
(13:19):
needing that constant validationfrom the other person.
When this need for reassurancebecomes overwhelming, it can
lead to codependent behaviorswhere someone's sense of
self-worth relies heavily ontheir partner's approval In
codependency.
This deep desire to feel closeand valued can turn into a
pattern of putting theirpartner's needs above their own,
making it difficult to setboundaries or maintain
(13:41):
independence.
Anxiously attached people mightfind themselves overly focused
on keeping the peace or avoidconflict, which can create a
relationship where they feelmore responsible for their
partner's happiness than theirown.
As much as I'd love to believethat I'm the poster child for
secure, much as I'd love tobelieve that I'm the poster
child for secure attachment, Ido have to admit that there are
definitely some anxious traitslurking around in there.
(14:02):
Anytime someone seems slightlyupset, my brain goes into
overdrive instantly, assumingthat I've done something wrong,
and I try to seek reassurancethat everything is okay.
In the past, I would getnervous when someone didn't
reply to my text messages rightaway.
My mind would go into fulldetective mode.
I'd be like okay, maybe they'rejust busy or maybe they've
(14:22):
decided to secretly hate me.
Then, five minutes later, I'mconvinced that they've thrown
their phone into a lake just toavoid answering my calls.
Rationally, I know that peoplehave lives and don't hover over
their phones 24-7, but trytelling that to my lizard brain.
Meanwhile, they're probablyjust napping or living their
life like everyone else, I wouldoften need to reel myself in
(14:43):
and give myself a pep talk Okay,just take a breath.
Not everything is about you.
People are allowed to have baddays without you being the grand
architect of their misery.
I'm not as anxiously attachedanymore because I've learned to
be okay with people being upsetwith me, or at least I try to.
They're allowed to feel thatway and I know I can't control
it.
Do I want people to be mad atme?
(15:04):
Not at all.
It really stings, even if I didsomething bad that upset them.
I can always work on fixingthat and I trust that if the
relationship is strong enough,it'll survive and we can work
through it together.
If I live my life alwaysworrying that people will be mad
at me, I'll never get anywhere.
I'd end up holding myself backconstantly, second-guessing
(15:25):
every word and action, just tokeep everyone happy.
Life would feel like walking oneggshells and that's exhausting
.
At some point I need to let goof that fear and trust that
people who matter will stickaround, even if I mess up
sometimes.
Mistakes are a part of life andif I'm so busy trying to avoid
upsetting people, I'm going tomiss out on actually living my
(15:45):
own life.
Anxious attachment oftendevelops when a child
experiences inconsistentcaregiving, where their parent
or caregiver is sometimesresponsible and attentive, but
other times distant orunavailable.
This unpredictability cancreate a sense of uncertainty
and anxiety in the child.
It's important to remember thatparents who might be creating
(16:07):
an anxious attachment style intheir children were often raised
the same way.
They likely experiencedinconsistent love and support
themselves, so they learned toapproach relationships with a
mix of closeness and uncertainty.
Without realizing it, theymight be passing down those same
patterns and feeling unsureabout how much support to give,
or unintentionally relying ontheir children for emotional
(16:28):
reassurance.
These patterns can be reallyhard to break, especially when
they feel normal.
Based on their own experiencesin growing up, we don't know any
different.
Anxiously attached parentsmight have inconsistent
responsiveness.
When the parent is sometimesvery attentive and nurturing,
but other times distracted oremotionally unavailable, the
(16:49):
child learns that love andsupport are unpredictable.
This inconsistency can lead thechild to worry about whether
their needs will be met, makingthem more anxious about
closeness and connection.
Anxiously attached parents maybe over-involved and dependent.
Parents who are overly involvedin their child's lives,
constantly checking in orshowing intense emotional
reactions to the child's ups anddowns, can create a sense of
(17:12):
dependency.
The child might grow up feelingresponsible for their parents'
emotions and struggle withboundaries, leading to an
anxious detachment where theyfear letting others down or
being left out.
The parent might be emotionallyunpredictable when a
caregiver's emotions fluctuatefrequently, perhaps being loving
one day and withdrawn the next.
The child might becomehyper-alert to the caregiver's
(17:33):
mood, trying to adapt to fixthings to get the caregiver's
affection.
This dynamic can make themanxious and unsure in
relationships, always seekingreassurance.
The parent may use guilt orpressure.
If a parent uses guilt toinfluence their child's actions,
like if you really loved me,you'd stay home with me, or
after all I've done for you,fill in the blank.
(17:54):
The child might learn toassociate love with obligation.
This can lead to anxiety inrelationships as an adult where
they feel they must earn love orconstantly seek validation.
Parents might have unclearboundaries.
If a parent has unclear oroverly blurred boundaries, such
as relying on the child foremotional support, the child
might grow up feeling insecureabout when and how to be
(18:15):
independent.
This can create an anxiousattachment style where they're
unsure if it's safe to bethemselves or if they must
prioritize the needs of othersto maintain closeness.
These dynamics can leavechildren feeling uncertain and
anxious about relationships asthey grow up.
It leads them to cravecloseness while fearing
abandonment or rejection.
This attachment style is rootedin a desire for security and
(18:37):
stability, but often involve apattern of seeking constant
reassurance.
On the opposite end of thespectrum is avoidant attachment.
Having an avoidant attachmentstyle in a relationship can feel
like you're always keeping onefoot out the door.
People with this stylegenuinely like being close to
others.
They just want it on their ownterms.
They enjoy the relationship,but too much closeness can feel
(19:00):
stifling, so they might startcreating space when things get a
little too cozy.
It's not that they don't care,they just find independence
super important and need a lotof personal space.
They're like the I'm here foryou, but I also really like my
alone time kind of partner.
So while they may love theirpartner, they're not into being
joined at the hip or talkingabout feelings 24-7.
(19:20):
In an avoidantly attachedrelationship, one partner might
reach out for closeness whilethe avoidant partner gently or
sometimes not so gently holdsthem at arm's length.
It's like a little dance of Ilove you, but don't get too
close.
This dynamic can work, but ittakes some understanding.
Avoidantly attached.
People do best when they findways to open up a bit without
(19:42):
feeling trapped With time andtrust.
Even someone with avoidanttendencies can learn to lean
into connection just at a pacethat feels comfortable for them.
Avoidant attachment oftendevelops when a child's
caregivers are emotionallydistant, unresponsive or if they
discourage emotional expression.
Avoidant parents areemotionally unavailable.
(20:02):
When caregivers are regularlyemotionally distant or
unresponsive to a child's needs,the child might learn that
expressing emotions isn'teffective.
They start to rely onthemselves, thinking I can't
count on others for comfort, andthey grow up avoiding emotional
closeness.
Parents might discourageemotional expression.
If caregivers discourage ordismiss displays of emotion,
(20:25):
saying things like don't cry orbe strong or toughen up, the
child learns to hide theirfeelings.
This can lead to a pattern ofself-reliance and emotional
distance.
As they come to believe thatshowing vulnerability isn't
acceptable, they might have highexpectations for independence.
Parents who expect theirchildren to be highly
independent from a young age,often without the warmth to
(20:47):
balance it, can unintentionallyfoster avoidant attachment.
The child may feel pressure tohandle things on their own,
which can carry into adultrelationships as a preference
for distance or independence.
There is inconsistent comfortand support If a caregiver is
sometimes comforting but oftenunavailable or dismissive.
(21:07):
The child might start to relyless on them and more on
themselves.
Over time, they learn todownplay their needs, feeling
that it's safer to avoiddepending on others.
In adult relationships,avoidantly attached people often
value independence overcloseness and they might
struggle with emotional intimacy, even though they still care
deeply about others.
(21:28):
After listening to all this, youmight be telling yourself that
you fit either into the anxiouscategory or the avoiding
category, but it's important toremember that attachment isn't
set in stone.
It's more like a starting pointto understanding our unique
patterns and relationships.
These attachment styles aren'tlife sentences.
They're just tools to help usunderstand our relationship
(21:50):
patterns and give us afoundation to grow from.
The more we know about ourstyle, the better we can work
toward healthy and secureconnections.
So, whether you identify asanxious or avoidant or secure or
somewhere in between, this isall about awareness.
Attachment styles are part ofwho we are, but they don't
define us.
They're clues that can help youunderstand yourself and your
(22:12):
relationship, no matter whereyou're starting from.
Self-compassion and awillingness to learn can help
you build the connections thatyou're looking for.
Here are some self-reflectionexercises for this week if you
would like to do some journalwork.
How do I feel about closenessand intimacy in relationships?
Do I generally feel comfortablewith it or does it make me feel
(22:34):
uneasy?
When I feel anxious or insecurein a relationship, how do I
usually react?
What thoughts or behaviors comeup?
What qualities did my primarycaregiver show me about love and
connection when I was young?
How do I think that affects myrelationships now?
Do I find myself needingconstant reassurance in
relationships, or do I prefermore independence and space?
(22:56):
Why do I think that is what doI look for in a relationship to
feel safe and secure?
Are these needs being met in mycurrent relationship?
When I sense conflict ordistance in a relationship,
what's my first instinct?
Do I pull away?
Do I seek reassurance, or do Itry to fix things immediately?
How would my ideal securerelationship look like?
(23:19):
What qualities or behaviorswould it include, and how can I
work towards creating that in mylife?
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I will meet you here next weekfor another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about
emotional intelligence.
Take care for now.
(23:40):
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(24:00):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Have you ever felt anxious in your relationship,
always needing reassurance thateverything's okay?
Or maybe you're the oppositeyou need space and tend to pull
back when things start to getserious.
Or maybe you found yourselfdating people who seem clingy or
struggle with commitment.
Today we're diving deep intoattachment styles what they mean
, how they shape ourrelationships and how knowing
(00:21):
your style can actually help youbuild stronger, healthier
connections.
So let's get into it.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(00:41):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:02):
the 23rd episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode we're going tobe focusing on attachment styles
.
Thank you to all of you who'vestarted to register for my
31-day journaling challenge,starting on December the 1st.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
(01:23):
If you'd like to register toreceive daily journaling prompts
throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontact me through my website
at thecodependentdoctorcom.
I wanted to do an episode onattachment styles because we're
seeing these terms pop up allover social media.
I'm always a little reluctantto put people into categories,
(01:46):
especially with something ascomplex as attachment styles.
Sure, labels like anxious,avoidant, secure and
disorganized can help usunderstand certain patterns in
relationships, but they also canlead to some issues if we're
not careful.
These labels can oversimplifywho we are.
We're complex beings and ourrelationships are complex as
well.
(02:06):
When we're told that we havecertain attachment styles, it's
easy to start viewing everythingthrough that lens and even
reinforcing it.
For example, if you think thatyou're anxious, you might start
interpreting normal relationshipstruggles as proof of that
anxiety, which can become aself-fulfilling cycle.
Labels can also cause issues inrelationships.
It's tempting to blame aproblem on someone being
(02:28):
avoidant or anxious rather thanlooking at the bigger picture.
Relationships can be a mix ofdynamics, different
personalities, differentexperiences.
So when we rely too heavily onthese labels, we miss out on
understanding the whole story.
Attachment styles can alsochange over time and with
different experiences.
Just because you learn one waydoesn't mean that you're stuck
(02:48):
there.
If we hold on too tightly tothese categories, then we can
risk overlooking growth andpositive traits that you might
have or situational factors thatplay a huge role in how we
connect with others.
So while attachment styles canbe useful as tools, I think it's
important to stay flexible andopen to change.
Attachment styles start formingwhen we're really young, based
(03:09):
on how we connect with ourcaregivers.
Imagine a baby that's trying tofigure out the world.
If their parents or caregiversare consistent and loving and
respond to their needs, the babylearns to feel secure.
They start to think people arethere for me when I need them,
feel secure.
They start to think people arethere for me when I need them,
and this early experience canlead to a secure attachment
style where they feelcomfortable getting close to
others and trusting people.
(03:30):
But not every kid has thatsteady support.
Some kids grow up withcaregivers who are sometimes
there, but sometimes not, like abad Wi-Fi signal.
That's almost good enough.
Sometimes it's strong anddependable and other times it
just flakes out and disappears.
Maybe parents are there andloving one day, but distracted
or unavailable the next.
Some caregivers areconsistently distant or even
(03:53):
discouraging when it comes toshowing emotions.
These attachment styles oftenget passed down through
generations almost like a familyheirloom, but instead of an
object, it's a way of relatingto others.
This happens because the waythat we're raised impacts how we
learn to connect and how webring those same patterns into
our relationships, including howwe parent.
Generational patterns likethese are often unconscious.
(04:15):
We usually don't recognize thembecause they're just how it's
always been.
But when we understand our ownattachment style, we get a
chance to break that cycle.
By doing the work to becomemore secure in our attachments,
we can change the way that weconnect with those around us,
and that shift can have a rippleeffect impacting not just
ourselves but future generationstoo.
(04:36):
Attachment styles were firstdeveloped by John Bowlby, who
figured that the way that weconnect with our caregivers as
kids will impact how we relateto others.
Later on, in the 1970s, hisstudent, mary Ainsworth ran an
experiment called StrangeSituation, where she observed
how babies reacted when theirmoms left and when they came
back, and it's based on thesebabies' reactions that she
(04:58):
identified three main attachmentstyles secure, anxious and
avoidant.
Later on, researchers added afourth style called disorganized
, and this was for kids, whoshowed a mix of anxious and
avoidant behaviors, usually dueto inconsistent or unpredictable
caregiving.
And these styles help explainwhy some of us feel totally
comfortable with closeness,while others might feel anxious
(05:20):
or prefer to keep their distance.
It all starts with those earlybonds.
People with a secure attachmentstyle feel comfortable with
closeness and independence.
They trust others easily andare good with balancing time
with loved ones and time ontheir own.
Think of them as the folks whodon't mind texting first, but
also don't panic if they don'thear back right away.
Anxiously attached people cravecloseness and reassurance.
(05:43):
They're the ones who might readinto texts or worry if
someone's a little slow torespond.
It's like they're alwayschecking the emotional weather
forecast to make sure thateverything's sunny.
Avoidantly attached people liketheir space and tend to feel a
little suffocated.
With too much closeness.
They might keep relationshipsat an arm's length, kind of like
(06:03):
yeah, I like you, but don't gettoo cozy over there.
People with a disorganizedattachment style often want
closeness but also feel nervousabout it.
It's a bit of a mix, like beingat the buffet where you want to
have a little bit of everything, but you're also afraid to
commit to one plate.
Most of us don't go through lifelabeling ourselves like anxious
or avoidant life labelingourselves like anxious or
(06:26):
avoidant.
We're just doing the best inour relationships and dealing
with the ups and downs,sometimes feeling like things
are chaotic and wondering whycertain patterns keep repeating
themselves.
Maybe we keep finding ourselveswith people who pull away when
we try to get close, or we feeluncomfortable when a partner
gets too emotionally invested.
Often we don't connect theseexperiences with anything deeper
.
We just think why doesn't thisever work out for me?
Deep down, most of us want asecure and steady relationship
(06:50):
where we feel comfortable withcloseness and independence.
We crave that balance but don'talways know how to achieve it,
and getting there can take sometime.
For some it might feel likebeing secure is out of reach,
and it's only something thatother people get to experience
is out of reach and it's onlysomething that other people get
to experience.
But the truth is, understandingour attachment style and where
it came from can be the firststep in moving towards that
balance.
When we start to explore ourattachment patterns and look
(07:13):
back at how we were raised, itcan be a huge aha moment.
Our early experiences shaped theway that we approach
relationships.
If you grew up with parents andcaregivers who were
inconsistent, sometimes warm andsometimes distant, you might
find yourself gravitatingtowards people who give mixed
signals, trying to earn theirattention.
Or if closeness wasoverwhelming or even discouraged
(07:34):
as a kid, you mightinstinctively pull back in adult
relationships, maybe withouteven realizing it.
Knowing your attachment styleisn't about boxing yourself in.
It's about gaining insight.
Once you start recognizing whycertain patterns keep showing up
, it's easier to figure out whatmight help you feel more secure
.
For example, if you're moreanxious, it might help to set
(07:55):
boundaries around communication,to give yourself space to
breathe before reacting.
If you're avoidant, it can beabout learning to share more
with someone you trust so thatcloseness starts to feel more
natural.
Achieving that secure, balancedrelationship we all crave
doesn't happen overnight.
It's a process of small, steadychanges and learning to trust,
to set boundaries and to knowthat it's okay to ask for what
(08:19):
you need.
The great thing is, byunderstanding our attachment
style, we can begin to shiftthese patterns and make changes
that help us connect more deeplyand authentically.
With time and self-awareness,we can move closer to having the
healthy, secure relationshipthat we want.
Having a secure relationship islike finally exhaling after
holding your breath.
(08:39):
It's the steady, reliableconnection where you feel safe
to be yourself without worryingabout constant drama or guessing
games.
In a secure relationship, bothpeople feel comfortable being
close, but also have the freedomto do their own thing without
anyone freaking out or feelingneglected.
Imagine being able to say Ineed a night to myself without
(09:00):
worrying that the other personis going to be hurt or offended.
Or picture being able toaddress issues openly, knowing
that neither of you is going tobe ghosted or blow up.
That's the beauty of securerelationship.
Both people can handle thetough stuff without making each
other feel guilty or unloved.
In a secure relationship,there's a natural balance.
You genuinely enjoy spendingtime together, but you'll also
(09:22):
have your own lives, hobbies andfriends.
There's no clinging or pushingaway.
You're both in it because youwant to be, not because you feel
like you have to be.
This kind of relationship isabout trust, respect and mutual
support, and it just feelsstable.
It's not perfect, but there's adeep confidence that, no matter
what, you'll both be able towork through things together At
(09:45):
the end of the day.
A secure relationship is aboutfeeling connected, yet free Free
to be yourself, express yourneeds and know that you're with
someone who has your back,without any emotional tug-of-war
.
It's a relationship where youcan finally relax and enjoy the
journey together.
People who feel secure likelyhad parents who were loving,
responsive and provided aconsistent and safe environment.
(10:08):
Parents are consistentlyresponsive.
When parents respond to achild's needs regularly and with
care, whether the child ishungry, scared or just needs a
cuddle.
It teaches the child thatthey're safe and valued, and
this reliability helps the childdevelop trust in others,
knowing that people will bethere for them.
These parents encourageexploration, and secure
(10:29):
attachment isn't about beingglued together.
It's about letting the childfeel confident to explore.
Parents who provide a safe baseallow their child to explore
the world, knowing that they cancome back to the safety when
they need to.
This balance helps kids feelindependent and secure in
themselves.
These parents show affection andpositivity.
Kids thrive when they feelgenuinely loved and appreciated.
(10:51):
Parents who show affection,warmth and encouragement help
their kids feel valued andconfident.
This creates a sense ofsecurity where the child knows
that they're loved just forbeing themselves.
Secure parents model healthyboundaries.
Secure attachments also involvehealthy boundaries.
Parents who respect theirchild's feelings, allow them to
express themselves and modelrespectful interactions, are
(11:13):
teaching them that boundariesare okay and that relationships
don't have to be all-consuming.
Secure parents also handleemotions calmly.
Kids learn emotional regulationfrom their parents, so when
parents handle emotions calmly,especially during meltdowns or
conflicts, the child learns thatemotions are safe and
manageable.
This teaches them how to dealwith their feelings without fear
(11:34):
or avoidance.
Manageable this teaches themhow to deal with their feelings
without fear or avoidance.
With anxiously attachedrelationships, it can feel a bit
like riding an emotional rollercoaster.
There's a constant sense ofwondering are we okay?
And there's a need forreassurance that the other
person cares.
People in an anxious attachmentoften worry about whether their
partner's feelings are asstrong as theirs or if they're
(11:55):
really as invested in therelationship.
This can lead to things likechecking your phone a lot,
replaying conversations in yourhead or feeling uneasy if your
partner doesn't reply quickly.
In an anxious relationship,it's not that there's no love.
There can actually be tons ofit.
It's just that there's also abit of nervous energy, a feeling
of needing to keep thatconnection close, to feel secure
(12:16):
.
Even small things like apartner.
Not texting back right away orwanting a night to themselves
can trigger a flood of what-ifsand do they still care?
It can be exhausting to alwaysfeel like the relationship needs
reassurance.
If you're anxiously attached,you might need to seek
reassurance, asking things likedo you still love me or are we
(12:37):
okay?
Checking in several times a day, whether by text or by phone.
Asking things like what are youup to?
Frequently worrying about thefuture on a regular basis, do
you still love me?
Do you still want to be with me?
Need physical or emotionalcloseness to feel like you're
wanted.
Apologize or takeresponsibility quickly saying
things like I'm sorry if I didsomething to upset you.
(12:59):
Just let me know if I did.
Or I didn't mean to sound soneedy, I just worry sometimes.
The upside to anxiously attachedpeople is that they're often
deeply caring, emotionally tunedin and very committed.
They genuinely love being closeand put a lot of effort into
making their partner feel valued.
The challenge, though, islearning to feel secure without
(13:19):
needing that constant validationfrom the other person.
When this need for reassurancebecomes overwhelming, it can
lead to codependent behaviorswhere someone's sense of
self-worth relies heavily ontheir partner's approval In
codependency.
This deep desire to feel closeand valued can turn into a
pattern of putting theirpartner's needs above their own,
making it difficult to setboundaries or maintain
(13:41):
independence.
Anxiously attached people mightfind themselves overly focused
on keeping the peace or avoidconflict, which can create a
relationship where they feelmore responsible for their
partner's happiness than theirown.
As much as I'd love to believethat I'm the poster child for
secure, much as I'd love tobelieve that I'm the poster
child for secure attachment, Ido have to admit that there are
definitely some anxious traitslurking around in there.
(14:02):
Anytime someone seems slightlyupset, my brain goes into
overdrive instantly, assumingthat I've done something wrong,
and I try to seek reassurancethat everything is okay.
In the past, I would getnervous when someone didn't
reply to my text messages rightaway.
My mind would go into fulldetective mode.
I'd be like okay, maybe they'rejust busy or maybe they've
(14:22):
decided to secretly hate me.
Then, five minutes later, I'mconvinced that they've thrown
their phone into a lake just toavoid answering my calls.
Rationally, I know that peoplehave lives and don't hover over
their phones 24-7, but trytelling that to my lizard brain.
Meanwhile, they're probablyjust napping or living their
life like everyone else, I wouldoften need to reel myself in
(14:43):
and give myself a pep talk Okay,just take a breath.
Not everything is about you.
People are allowed to have baddays without you being the grand
architect of their misery.
I'm not as anxiously attachedanymore because I've learned to
be okay with people being upsetwith me, or at least I try to.
They're allowed to feel thatway and I know I can't control
it.
Do I want people to be mad atme?
(15:04):
Not at all.
It really stings, even if I didsomething bad that upset them.
I can always work on fixingthat and I trust that if the
relationship is strong enough,it'll survive and we can work
through it together.
If I live my life alwaysworrying that people will be mad
at me, I'll never get anywhere.
I'd end up holding myself backconstantly, second-guessing
(15:25):
every word and action, just tokeep everyone happy.
Life would feel like walking oneggshells and that's exhausting
.
At some point I need to let goof that fear and trust that
people who matter will stickaround, even if I mess up
sometimes.
Mistakes are a part of life andif I'm so busy trying to avoid
upsetting people, I'm going tomiss out on actually living my
(15:45):
own life.
Anxious attachment oftendevelops when a child
experiences inconsistentcaregiving, where their parent
or caregiver is sometimesresponsible and attentive, but
other times distant orunavailable.
This unpredictability cancreate a sense of uncertainty
and anxiety in the child.
It's important to remember thatparents who might be creating
(16:07):
an anxious attachment style intheir children were often raised
the same way.
They likely experiencedinconsistent love and support
themselves, so they learned toapproach relationships with a
mix of closeness and uncertainty.
Without realizing it, theymight be passing down those same
patterns and feeling unsureabout how much support to give,
or unintentionally relying ontheir children for emotional
(16:28):
reassurance.
These patterns can be reallyhard to break, especially when
they feel normal.
Based on their own experiencesin growing up, we don't know any
different.
Anxiously attached parentsmight have inconsistent
responsiveness.
When the parent is sometimesvery attentive and nurturing,
but other times distracted oremotionally unavailable, the
(16:49):
child learns that love andsupport are unpredictable.
This inconsistency can lead thechild to worry about whether
their needs will be met, makingthem more anxious about
closeness and connection.
Anxiously attached parents maybe over-involved and dependent.
Parents who are overly involvedin their child's lives,
constantly checking in orshowing intense emotional
reactions to the child's ups anddowns, can create a sense of
(17:12):
dependency.
The child might grow up feelingresponsible for their parents'
emotions and struggle withboundaries, leading to an
anxious detachment where theyfear letting others down or
being left out.
The parent might be emotionallyunpredictable when a
caregiver's emotions fluctuatefrequently, perhaps being loving
one day and withdrawn the next.
The child might becomehyper-alert to the caregiver's
(17:33):
mood, trying to adapt to fixthings to get the caregiver's
affection.
This dynamic can make themanxious and unsure in
relationships, always seekingreassurance.
The parent may use guilt orpressure.
If a parent uses guilt toinfluence their child's actions,
like if you really loved me,you'd stay home with me, or
after all I've done for you,fill in the blank.
(17:54):
The child might learn toassociate love with obligation.
This can lead to anxiety inrelationships as an adult where
they feel they must earn love orconstantly seek validation.
Parents might have unclearboundaries.
If a parent has unclear oroverly blurred boundaries, such
as relying on the child foremotional support, the child
might grow up feeling insecureabout when and how to be
(18:15):
independent.
This can create an anxiousattachment style where they're
unsure if it's safe to bethemselves or if they must
prioritize the needs of othersto maintain closeness.
These dynamics can leavechildren feeling uncertain and
anxious about relationships asthey grow up.
It leads them to cravecloseness while fearing
abandonment or rejection.
This attachment style is rootedin a desire for security and
(18:37):
stability, but often involve apattern of seeking constant
reassurance.
On the opposite end of thespectrum is avoidant attachment.
Having an avoidant attachmentstyle in a relationship can feel
like you're always keeping onefoot out the door.
People with this stylegenuinely like being close to
others.
They just want it on their ownterms.
They enjoy the relationship,but too much closeness can feel
(19:00):
stifling, so they might startcreating space when things get a
little too cozy.
It's not that they don't care,they just find independence
super important and need a lotof personal space.
They're like the I'm here foryou, but I also really like my
alone time kind of partner.
So while they may love theirpartner, they're not into being
joined at the hip or talkingabout feelings 24-7.
(19:20):
In an avoidantly attachedrelationship, one partner might
reach out for closeness whilethe avoidant partner gently or
sometimes not so gently holdsthem at arm's length.
It's like a little dance of Ilove you, but don't get too
close.
This dynamic can work, but ittakes some understanding.
Avoidantly attached.
People do best when they findways to open up a bit without
(19:42):
feeling trapped With time andtrust.
Even someone with avoidanttendencies can learn to lean
into connection just at a pacethat feels comfortable for them.
Avoidant attachment oftendevelops when a child's
caregivers are emotionallydistant, unresponsive or if they
discourage emotional expression.
Avoidant parents areemotionally unavailable.
(20:02):
When caregivers are regularlyemotionally distant or
unresponsive to a child's needs,the child might learn that
expressing emotions isn'teffective.
They start to rely onthemselves, thinking I can't
count on others for comfort, andthey grow up avoiding emotional
closeness.
Parents might discourageemotional expression.
If caregivers discourage ordismiss displays of emotion,
(20:25):
saying things like don't cry orbe strong or toughen up, the
child learns to hide theirfeelings.
This can lead to a pattern ofself-reliance and emotional
distance.
As they come to believe thatshowing vulnerability isn't
acceptable, they might have highexpectations for independence.
Parents who expect theirchildren to be highly
independent from a young age,often without the warmth to
(20:47):
balance it, can unintentionallyfoster avoidant attachment.
The child may feel pressure tohandle things on their own,
which can carry into adultrelationships as a preference
for distance or independence.
There is inconsistent comfortand support If a caregiver is
sometimes comforting but oftenunavailable or dismissive.
(21:07):
The child might start to relyless on them and more on
themselves.
Over time, they learn todownplay their needs, feeling
that it's safer to avoiddepending on others.
In adult relationships,avoidantly attached people often
value independence overcloseness and they might
struggle with emotional intimacy, even though they still care
deeply about others.
(21:28):
After listening to all this, youmight be telling yourself that
you fit either into the anxiouscategory or the avoiding
category, but it's important toremember that attachment isn't
set in stone.
It's more like a starting pointto understanding our unique
patterns and relationships.
These attachment styles aren'tlife sentences.
They're just tools to help usunderstand our relationship
(21:50):
patterns and give us afoundation to grow from.
The more we know about ourstyle, the better we can work
toward healthy and secureconnections.
So, whether you identify asanxious or avoidant or secure or
somewhere in between, this isall about awareness.
Attachment styles are part ofwho we are, but they don't
define us.
They're clues that can help youunderstand yourself and your
(22:12):
relationship, no matter whereyou're starting from.
Self-compassion and awillingness to learn can help
you build the connections thatyou're looking for.
Here are some self-reflectionexercises for this week if you
would like to do some journalwork.
How do I feel about closenessand intimacy in relationships?
Do I generally feel comfortablewith it or does it make me feel
(22:34):
uneasy?
When I feel anxious or insecurein a relationship, how do I
usually react?
What thoughts or behaviors comeup?
What qualities did my primarycaregiver show me about love and
connection when I was young?
How do I think that affects myrelationships now?
Do I find myself needingconstant reassurance in
relationships, or do I prefermore independence and space?
(22:56):
Why do I think that is what doI look for in a relationship to
feel safe and secure?
Are these needs being met in mycurrent relationship?
When I sense conflict ordistance in a relationship,
what's my first instinct?
Do I pull away?
Do I seek reassurance, or do Itry to fix things immediately?
How would my ideal securerelationship look like?
(23:19):
What qualities or behaviorswould it include, and how can I
work towards creating that in mylife?
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I will meet you here next weekfor another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about
emotional intelligence.
Take care for now.
(23:40):
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(24:00):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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