March 31, 2025 • 24 mins
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the complex emotions of jealousy and envy—two feelings that many of us grapple with but often struggle to understand. As we explore these emotions, I aim to shed light on how they can impact our self-worth and relationships, particularly in the context of codependency.
I begin by discussing the common experience of feeling jealous or envious, whether it’s triggered by a friend’s engagement or someone’s apparent confidence. These emotions, while natural, can lead to feelings of insecurity, bitterness, and even resentment if left unchecked. I emphasize that jealousy and envy are not inherently bad; rather, they serve as signals that reveal our fears and values.
To clarify the distinction between the two, I explain that jealousy is the fear of losing something we already possess, while envy is the desire for something someone else has. I provide relatable examples to illustrate how these emotions manifest in our lives, such as feeling threatened when a partner spends time with someone attractive (jealousy) or longing for a friend’s relationship (envy).
Throughout the episode, I highlight how these feelings can become particularly overwhelming in codependent relationships, where self-worth is often tied to external validation. I discuss various ways jealousy can manifest, including the fear of being replaced, the need for constant reassurance, controlling behaviors, and feelings of rejection over minor actions.
I also address how envy can show up in our lives, often leading to comparisons that diminish our self-esteem. I encourage listeners to shift their mindset from comparison to inspiration, reminding them that everyone has their own unique journey.
To help manage these emotions, I share practical strategies for shifting our perspectives. This includes recognizing and naming our feelings, practicing gratitude, challenging negative thoughts, and strengthening our sense of self. I emphasize that healing from jealousy and envy is a process, and while we may still experience these emotions, they don’t have to control our lives.
As we wrap up the episode, I invite listeners to reflect on their own experiences with jealousy and envy, encouraging them to journal about recent triggers and how they can reframe these feelings into something constructive. I also remind them that they are not alone in this journey and that fostering a better re
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever caught yourself thinking why them and
not me?
Or what if I lose what I have?
Jealousy and envy are emotionsthat we all experience, but when
they take over, they can leaveus feeling insecure, bitter or
even out of control.
Maybe you feel a pang ofjealousy when a friend gets
engaged, or envy when you seesomeone effortlessly confident
(00:21):
in ways that you wish you couldbe.
These emotions don't make you abad person, but if they're left
unchecked, they can damage yourrelationships and your
self-worth.
In today's episode, we'rebreaking down the difference
between jealousy and envy, howand why they show up in our
codependent relationships and,most importantly, how to shift
our mindset so that they don'tcontrol your life.
(00:42):
Let's dive in our mindset sothat they don't control your
life.
Let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:03):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr,
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:24):
the 35th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is focusing onjealousy and envy, that lurking
green-eyed monster that can takeover before we even realize it.
These emotions are powerful,sometimes irrational and often
(01:45):
destructive.
When left unchecked, they canconsume us, leading to
resentment, self-doubt and evenfractured relationships.
But here's the thing Jealousyand envy aren't just bad
emotions.
They're signals.
They tell us something aboutourselves, our fears and what we
value.
Maybe jealousy comes frominsecurity or a fear of being
(02:06):
replaced.
Maybe envy shows up becausewe're stuck in a life that we
don't like and wish that we hadsomeone else's life.
The problem isn't feelingjealous or envious.
It's what we do with thosefeelings.
Jealousy and envy are oftenused interchangeably, but
they're not the same thing.
Understanding the distinctionbetween them can help us manage
(02:27):
these emotions a little bit moreeffectively, instead of letting
them control us.
Jealousy is the fear of losingsomething that you already have.
It's a protective reaction to aperceived threat, whether it's
real or imagined At its core.
A perceived threat, whetherit's real or imagined At its
core, it's driven by fear andinsecurity, specifically the
(02:48):
fear of losing somethingvaluable, whether it be your
relationship, recognition ormaybe a sense of importance.
It often stems from lowself-worth, so from past
betrayals or unmet emotionalneeds, and it makes us feel as
if we must compete for love orattention or respect.
A few examples are you feelanxious when your partner spends
(03:10):
more time with someoneattractive?
You worry that they might loseinterest in you.
Your best friend forms a newclose relationship and instead
of feeling happy for them,you're worried that you're being
replaced.
A co-worker gets praise orrecognition for something that
you work just as hard on, and itmakes you feel undervalued.
A new hire maybe gets close toyour boss and you fear being
(03:33):
overlooked or replaced.
In these examples of jealousy,you feel anxiety and worried
because you feel that you mightlose something.
Envy, on the other hand, is whenwe want something that someone
else already has.
Envy sneaks up on us when westart measuring our lives
against someone else's.
It's that sinking feeling whenyou see someone with success,
(03:57):
happiness or a lifestyle thatyou wish that you had.
Unlike jealousy, which is aboutworrying that you might lose
something, envy is about feelinglike you're missing out, like
you got dealt the wrong handwhile everyone else is thriving.
Examples of envy would be yourco-worker gets promoted when
you're waiting for your chance.
Instead of feeling happy forthem, you feel bitter and start
(04:20):
doubting your own abilities.
Why do they always get aheadwhile I'm stuck, you scroll
through Instagram and seesomeone on a tropical vacation
while you're drowning in work.
You start to feel annoyed thatyour life isn't as exciting.
You think to yourself it mustbe nice to have that kind of
freedom.
So if we wanted to compare envyand jealousy using examples, it
(04:41):
would look like this let's sayyour best friend gets engaged.
If you feel jealous, it'sbecause you fear losing
something in the process.
Maybe your friendship dynamicis going to change and they'll
have less time for you.
You might feel left behind,wondering if you'll still be as
close when they're married.
What if they don't need meanymore?
Or I feel like I'm beingreplaced.
(05:03):
If you feel envious, it'sbecause you want what they have
a loving partner, a proposal andthe excitement of starting a
new chapter in their lives.
You might think, why can't Ifind someone like that?
Or I wish I had what they have.
The focus is on your longingfor the same experience.
Jealousy is a natural humanemotion, but in codependent
(05:24):
relationships it can becomeoverwhelming and unhealthy.
Instead of being a passingfeeling, it turns into fear,
control and insecurity.
Many people with codependenttendencies struggle with
self-worth, and it makes themfeel like they need constant
reassurance to feel secure in arelationship.
Here's how jealousy cansometimes show up.
It can show up in a fear ofbeing replaced.
(05:46):
This is that deep-rooted fearthat someone that you care about
is going to find someone betterand leave you behind.
In codependent relationship,this fear can feel overwhelming
because self-worth is often tiedto external validation.
An example would be your bestfriend makes a new friend and
instead of trusting that yourfriendship is solid, you feel
(06:07):
threatened by it.
You might start feelingpossessive, cancelling your own
plans to spend more time withthem or even making
passive-aggressive commentsabout their new friendship.
Here's how to shift your mindset.
If you're worried about beingreplaced, remind yourself that
love and friendship are notlimited.
People can care about multiplepeople at once without it taking
(06:28):
away from you.
Build your own sense ofidentity outside of your
relationships Instead offocusing on what others are
doing.
Engage in your own passions andfriendships.
Jealousy can show up if you havea constant need for reassurance
, if you often ask questionslike are we okay or do you still
love me?
(06:48):
Because deep down, you'reafraid of being abandoned.
You may look for frequentverbal affirmations, physical
affection or signs of love justto feel secure.
For example, your partner has abusy day and isn't as
responsive to texts, and insteadof assuming that they're just
occupied, you panic and assumethat they're pulling away.
Here's how you can shift yourmindset.
(07:10):
If you have a constant need forreassurance, understand that
love and security should nothave to be constantly proven.
Trust is built over time, notthrough repeated validation.
Work on self-soothingtechniques Instead of relying on
others to make you feel okay.
Try deep breathing orjournaling or reminding yourself
(07:31):
of past moments of security.
Jealousy can show up incontrolling behaviors.
You feel the need to controlwho the other person interacts
with to reduce your own feelingsof insecurity.
This can include settingunrealistic expectations, making
demands or discouragingrelationships outside of your
own.
An example would be you tellyour partner that they can't
(07:53):
have those close friendshipswith people of the opposite sex
because it makes youuncomfortable, even though
they've never given you a reasonnot to trust them.
You can shift your mindset ifyou have controlling behaviors
by recognizing that controllingsomeone does not create security
.
It creates resentment anddistance.
You can do it by trusting thathealthy relationships are built
(08:16):
on choice, not pressure.
Letting someone have spaceactually strengthens your
relationship, focusing on whatyou can control your reactions,
your self-care and your personalgrowth.
Jealousy can look like checkingor snooping.
You feel anxious when you don'thave full visibility into
someone else's actions, leadingyou to check their texts, their
(08:40):
emails or social media.
You look for signs of danger,like another person taking your
place, even when there's no realevidence.
For example, your partnerleaves their phone on the table
and you might feel the urge togo through their messages, even
though they've never beenunfaithful before.
Here's how you can change yourmindset.
If you're checking in on lovedones or snooping, recognize that
(09:02):
snooping comes from a lack oftrust.
If you feel the need to check,ask yourself why.
What's behind this?
Remind yourself that trustshould be given until there's a
real reason to doubt it.
Jealousy can show up as feelingrejected over small things.
A small shift in someone'sbehavior can make you feel
abandoned or maybe unimportant.
(09:24):
You may personalize harmlessactions, making them mean that
the person doesn't care aboutyou anymore.
For example, your best friendmakes weekend plans with another
friend and, instead of seeingit as normal, you take it
personally and assume that theydon't value your friendship
anymore.
You can shift your mindset ifyou're feeling rejected by
challenging assumptions.
(09:44):
Ask yourself could there beanother reason that they didn't
invite me?
Maybe it was last minute, ormaybe they thought you were busy
Reminding yourself that oneevent or one unanswered message
does not define your entirerelationship.
Distract yourself withsomething fulfilling instead of
dwelling on the perceivedrejection.
(10:05):
Now let's talk about envy incodependent relationships.
Envy is a tricky emotion andit's one that makes you feel
like you're always fallingbehind, while everyone else
seems to have it all togetherbehind while everyone else seems
to have it all together.
In codependent relationships,envy can be deeply tied to
self-worth and it createsfeelings of inadequacy and
resentment.
When you struggle with settingboundaries, prioritizing
(10:27):
yourself or feeling secure inwho you are, it's easy to look
at others and think why can theydo it and I can't?
So let's explore how envy showsup in codependent relationships
and how to shift your mindset.
Envy can show up as measuringyour worth against others.
You constantly compare yourachievements, relationships or
(10:48):
appearance to others and feellike you don't measure up.
If someone else is succeeding.
It makes you question your ownvalue instead of celebrating
their accomplishments.
As an example, your friend getsinto a healthy, loving
relationship while you're stillhealing from toxic ones.
Instead of being happy for them, you feel like a failure and
(11:08):
wonder if you'll ever have thesame.
You can shift your mindset byreminding yourself that your
journey is unique.
Someone else's success does notmean that you're failing.
It just means that they're on adifferent path than you.
Focus on your progress insteadof where you think that you
should be.
Envy can show up as you'reresenting someone else's
(11:28):
independence.
Seeing someone set boundariesand confidently prioritize
themselves can trigger feelingsof envy, especially if you
struggle with those things.
For example, a co-workerdeclines extra work and
confidently leaves on time whileyou stay late.
You're over committing yourselfbecause you fear disappointing
others.
Instead of respecting theirability to set limits, you feel
(11:50):
resentment towards them.
You can shift your mindset ifyou're resenting someone else's
independence.
Instead of feeling bitter, usetheir confidence as inspiration.
Ask yourself what's stopping mefrom doing the same thing.
Start practicing smallboundaries in your own life,
saying no and taking breaks orprioritizing your needs.
(12:10):
Envy can come from social mediacomparisons, scrolling through
social media and seeing others'travels, buying homes or
reaching milestones can make youfeel like you're missing out.
As an example, you see a friendpost about their dream vacation
and instead of enjoying thecontent, you spiral into
thoughts of why can't I affordthat?
My life is so boring incomparison to theirs?
(12:32):
You can shift your mindset withthis too.
Remember that social media isjust a highlight reel.
People don't post theirstruggles, their doubts or their
failures.
So the next time you findyourself spiraling because Becky
from high school bought a newhouse and you're still figuring
out how to fold a fitted sheet,just stop and take a deep breath
.
Social media isn't real life.
(12:55):
It's a performance.
And if you compare your behindthe scenes footage to someone
else's blockbuster premiere, ofcourse you're going to feel like
you're falling behind, buttrust me when I say that you're
probably doing just fine.
And if certain accounts makeyou feel worse about yourself,
considering on following them ormuting them.
(13:15):
So where do these feelings comefrom?
Jealousy and envy don't justappear out of nowhere.
They usually have deep roots inour past, whether it's
childhood experiences, pastrelationships or the constant
pressure from social media.
These feelings are often shapedby what we've been taught about
love, success and self-worth.
(13:36):
A lot of our emotional patternsstart when we're really young.
If we grew up in an environmentwhere love and attention felt
conditional, it's no surprisethat we'd struggle with jealousy
and envy as adults.
Were you maybe compared tosiblings or classmates?
Maybe you always felt like youhad to be the best to be able to
earn approval, and now, whenyou see someone succeeding, you
(13:59):
feel like you're not good enough.
Did love feel like a rewardinstead of a constant?
If you only got praised whenyou achieved something, had good
grades, being easy to handle ormaking your parents proud, you
might have learned that yourworth is based on what you do
rather than who you are.
Did you grow up in anenvironment where resources like
(14:21):
love, attention or praise feltreally scarce?
If so, jealousy might be anatural response because you
feel like there's not enough togo around.
If you've been hurt in pastrelationships, whether romantic,
platonic or even familyrelationships, those experiences
can shape how you see the world.
Have you maybe been betrayed orabandoned before?
(14:42):
If someone you loved left,cheated or rejected you,
jealousy might kick in as adefense mechanism.
You might feel like youconstantly have to prove your
worth to keep people fromleaving.
Do you struggle to trustbecause of past experiences.
If your trust has been brokenbefore, it makes sense that you
might feel jealous when apartner or friend spends time
(15:04):
with someone else.
And let's be honest, socialmedia is basically a highlight
reel of people's amazing lives.
It's hard to compare oureveryday struggles to someone
else's perfectly curated postsand it's easy to feel like we're
falling behind.
People don't post theirfailures, their bad days or
their insecurities.
You're comparing your realityto someone else's highlight reel
(15:25):
.
Nobody's going to be posting aselfie with the caption just
cried in my car after beingghosted again, or a boomerang of
them opening their 15threjection email.
Jealousy and envy can sneak upon us and take over our thoughts
before we even realize it.
But instead of letting thesefeelings control us, we can
learn to recognize them,understand them and shift our
(15:48):
perspective.
Healing from jealousy and envydoesn't mean that you're never
going to feel them again.
It just means that they won'thave that same power over you.
Here's how to manage theseemotions and to keep them in
check Recognize and name thefeeling.
The first step in healing fromjealousy or envy is to notice
when it happens, instead ofletting it simmer under the
(16:10):
surface or turn into resentment.
Pause and acknowledge what'sgoing on.
Ask yourself what is it exactlythat I'm feeling.
Is it jealousy, the fear oflosing something, or envy,
wanting what someone else has?
Identify why you're feelingthis way.
Did something trigger an oldinsecurity?
Naming the feeling takes awaysome of its power.
(16:33):
Instead of just reacting, youcan start working through it.
So, as an example, you see afriend get a promotion and
instead of thinking they don'tdeserve that, just pause and say
I'm feeling envious.
Why?
Maybe because I wish I had morecareer success too.
Is there something that I cando about that?
More career success, too?
(16:55):
Is there something that I cando about that?
Maybe make a list and focus onyour other successes, or sign up
for a course that will help youmove up in the company, if
that's what you really want.
You can shift from comparison toinspiration.
Comparison can make us feellike we're falling behind, but
what if, instead of seeingsomeone else's success as a
reminder of what you don't have,you saw it as a motivation?
(17:16):
Instead of thinking why do theyhave that and not me?
Ask what can I learn from them?
Use their success as proof thatwhat you want is possible for
you as well.
Remind yourself that everyonehas their own journey.
You don't see the strugglesthat they face behind the scenes
.
If your friend is in a happyrelationship and you're single,
(17:38):
instead of thinking, why do theyget love?
And I don't shift your mindsetto what qualities do they bring
to the relationship that I canwork on in my own life, maybe
try practicing gratitude,jealousy and envy focus on
what's missing, but gratitudeshifts the focus to what you
already have.
Maybe start a gratitude journaland each day, write down three
(18:01):
things that you're grateful for.
Whenever envy creeps in, stopand name something that you
appreciate about your life.
Remember that someone else isprobably looking at your life
and feeling envious as well.
So there are qualities that youhave that other people might
want.
Challenge negative thoughts.
Jealousy and envy often comewith harsh self-talk I'll never
(18:25):
be that successful.
I'm not good enough.
I'll always be left behind.
These thoughts aren't facts.
They're just old patterns.
So challenge them, replace I'llnever be good enough with.
I'm on my own unique journeyand swap out.
They have something that Idon't, for.
I have strengths of my own.
(18:46):
Remind yourself that you areenough, regardless of what
anyone else has.
Instead of thinking I'll neverhave a body like theirs.
Try saying I can take care ofmy body in a way that feels good
to me.
Strengthen your own identity.
The stronger your sense of self, the less you'll feel the need
to compare.
When you truly know who you are, someone else's success doesn't
(19:10):
feel like a threat.
It's just their path, not yours.
So focus on what you love, notwhat society says that you
should want.
Spend time doing things thatmake you feel confident and
fulfilled.
Surround yourself with peoplewho celebrate you just as you
are.
If you're envious of someoneelse's confidence, instead of
(19:30):
wishing that you had it,practice building your own.
Try new hobbies, set smallgoals and focus on your
strengths instead of wishingthat you had it.
Practice building your own.
Try new hobbies, set smallgoals and focus on your
strengths instead of comparingyourself to others.
Jealousy and envy are emotionsthat everyone experience at some
point in their lives, but whenthey're left unchecked, they can
take over our thoughts, ourrelationships and our self-worth
.
In this episode, we broke downthe key differences between
(19:53):
jealousy the fear of losingsomething that you have and envy
the longing for something thatwe don't have.
We explored how they show up incodependent relationships and
uncovered where these feelingscome from, whether it's
childhood experiences, pastbetrayals or unrealistic
comparisons that we make throughsocial media.
More importantly, we discoveredhow to manage these emotions in
(20:15):
a healthier way.
By shifting our perspectivefrom competition to inspiration,
practicing gratitude andstrengthening our own sense of
self, we can release the holdthat jealousy and envy have on
us.
Instead of feeling threatenedby other's success or loved, we
can learn to trust our own worthand to recognize that we are
already enough.
(20:36):
Jealousy and envy don't make youa bad person.
They make you human, but theydon't have to run your life.
When you recognize them forwhat they are, challenge the
thoughts behind them and focuson your own unique journey, they
lose their power over you.
The more you embrace yourunique path, the less that
you're going to feel the need tocompare yourself to others.
(20:56):
So take a deep breath, trustthat you are exactly where you
need to be and move forward,knowing that your worth has
never depended on what anyoneelse has.
Here are some reflectionexercises for this week, if you
would like to do some journalwork.
Think about a recent time whenyou felt jealous or envious.
What triggered these feelings?
(21:18):
Were you afraid of losingsomething, or were you wishing
for something that you didn'thave.
Where did these feelings comefrom?
Did you grow up feelingcompared to others, needing to
prove your worth or fearingbeing replaced?
How can you reframe jealousy orenvy into something more
constructive, instead ofthinking why not me?
(21:39):
What can you learn from theperson or the situation that
triggered these emotions?
List five things that you loveabout your life right now.
How can you focus on your ownjourney instead of comparing
yourself to others?
If jealousy and envy didn'thold you back, what would you
focus on?
How can you redirect yourenergy towards your own growth
(22:00):
and happiness?
If you have a moment, I'd reallyappreciate it if you could like
subscribe and maybe leave acomment on this podcast.
It helps others who mightbenefit find it a little more
easily.
I've started a newsletter whichis loaded with great
information on codependencyrecovery, and I'm also on Blue
Sky under the name at Dr AngelaDowney.
(22:20):
That's at Dr Angela Downey.
You can still find me onFacebook and Instagram, so let's
be sure to connect soon.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor when I'mgoing to be talking about
(22:42):
burnout.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace senior doctorfor mental health concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(23:03):
a hospital, call 9-1-1 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
codependent doctor.
We can do this together.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking why them and
not me?
Or what if I lose what I have?
Jealousy and envy are emotionsthat we all experience, but when
they take over, they can leaveus feeling insecure, bitter or
even out of control.
Maybe you feel a pang ofjealousy when a friend gets
engaged, or envy when you seesomeone effortlessly confident
(00:21):
in ways that you wish you couldbe.
These emotions don't make you abad person, but if they're left
unchecked, they can damage yourrelationships and your
self-worth.
In today's episode, we'rebreaking down the difference
between jealousy and envy, howand why they show up in our
codependent relationships and,most importantly, how to shift
our mindset so that they don'tcontrol your life.
(00:42):
Let's dive in our mindset sothat they don't control your
life.
Let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:03):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr,
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:24):
the 35th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is focusing onjealousy and envy, that lurking
green-eyed monster that can takeover before we even realize it.
These emotions are powerful,sometimes irrational and often
(01:45):
destructive.
When left unchecked, they canconsume us, leading to
resentment, self-doubt and evenfractured relationships.
But here's the thing Jealousyand envy aren't just bad
emotions.
They're signals.
They tell us something aboutourselves, our fears and what we
value.
Maybe jealousy comes frominsecurity or a fear of being
(02:06):
replaced.
Maybe envy shows up becausewe're stuck in a life that we
don't like and wish that we hadsomeone else's life.
The problem isn't feelingjealous or envious.
It's what we do with thosefeelings.
Jealousy and envy are oftenused interchangeably, but
they're not the same thing.
Understanding the distinctionbetween them can help us manage
(02:27):
these emotions a little bit moreeffectively, instead of letting
them control us.
Jealousy is the fear of losingsomething that you already have.
It's a protective reaction to aperceived threat, whether it's
real or imagined At its core.
A perceived threat, whetherit's real or imagined At its
core, it's driven by fear andinsecurity, specifically the
(02:48):
fear of losing somethingvaluable, whether it be your
relationship, recognition ormaybe a sense of importance.
It often stems from lowself-worth, so from past
betrayals or unmet emotionalneeds, and it makes us feel as
if we must compete for love orattention or respect.
A few examples are you feelanxious when your partner spends
(03:10):
more time with someoneattractive?
You worry that they might loseinterest in you.
Your best friend forms a newclose relationship and instead
of feeling happy for them,you're worried that you're being
replaced.
A co-worker gets praise orrecognition for something that
you work just as hard on, and itmakes you feel undervalued.
A new hire maybe gets close toyour boss and you fear being
(03:33):
overlooked or replaced.
In these examples of jealousy,you feel anxiety and worried
because you feel that you mightlose something.
Envy, on the other hand, is whenwe want something that someone
else already has.
Envy sneaks up on us when westart measuring our lives
against someone else's.
It's that sinking feeling whenyou see someone with success,
(03:57):
happiness or a lifestyle thatyou wish that you had.
Unlike jealousy, which is aboutworrying that you might lose
something, envy is about feelinglike you're missing out, like
you got dealt the wrong handwhile everyone else is thriving.
Examples of envy would be yourco-worker gets promoted when
you're waiting for your chance.
Instead of feeling happy forthem, you feel bitter and start
(04:20):
doubting your own abilities.
Why do they always get aheadwhile I'm stuck, you scroll
through Instagram and seesomeone on a tropical vacation
while you're drowning in work.
You start to feel annoyed thatyour life isn't as exciting.
You think to yourself it mustbe nice to have that kind of
freedom.
So if we wanted to compare envyand jealousy using examples, it
(04:41):
would look like this let's sayyour best friend gets engaged.
If you feel jealous, it'sbecause you fear losing
something in the process.
Maybe your friendship dynamicis going to change and they'll
have less time for you.
You might feel left behind,wondering if you'll still be as
close when they're married.
What if they don't need meanymore?
Or I feel like I'm beingreplaced.
(05:03):
If you feel envious, it'sbecause you want what they have
a loving partner, a proposal andthe excitement of starting a
new chapter in their lives.
You might think, why can't Ifind someone like that?
Or I wish I had what they have.
The focus is on your longingfor the same experience.
Jealousy is a natural humanemotion, but in codependent
(05:24):
relationships it can becomeoverwhelming and unhealthy.
Instead of being a passingfeeling, it turns into fear,
control and insecurity.
Many people with codependenttendencies struggle with
self-worth, and it makes themfeel like they need constant
reassurance to feel secure in arelationship.
Here's how jealousy cansometimes show up.
It can show up in a fear ofbeing replaced.
(05:46):
This is that deep-rooted fearthat someone that you care about
is going to find someone betterand leave you behind.
In codependent relationship,this fear can feel overwhelming
because self-worth is often tiedto external validation.
An example would be your bestfriend makes a new friend and
instead of trusting that yourfriendship is solid, you feel
(06:07):
threatened by it.
You might start feelingpossessive, cancelling your own
plans to spend more time withthem or even making
passive-aggressive commentsabout their new friendship.
Here's how to shift your mindset.
If you're worried about beingreplaced, remind yourself that
love and friendship are notlimited.
People can care about multiplepeople at once without it taking
(06:28):
away from you.
Build your own sense ofidentity outside of your
relationships Instead offocusing on what others are
doing.
Engage in your own passions andfriendships.
Jealousy can show up if you havea constant need for reassurance
, if you often ask questionslike are we okay or do you still
love me?
(06:48):
Because deep down, you'reafraid of being abandoned.
You may look for frequentverbal affirmations, physical
affection or signs of love justto feel secure.
For example, your partner has abusy day and isn't as
responsive to texts, and insteadof assuming that they're just
occupied, you panic and assumethat they're pulling away.
Here's how you can shift yourmindset.
(07:10):
If you have a constant need forreassurance, understand that
love and security should nothave to be constantly proven.
Trust is built over time, notthrough repeated validation.
Work on self-soothingtechniques Instead of relying on
others to make you feel okay.
Try deep breathing orjournaling or reminding yourself
(07:31):
of past moments of security.
Jealousy can show up incontrolling behaviors.
You feel the need to controlwho the other person interacts
with to reduce your own feelingsof insecurity.
This can include settingunrealistic expectations, making
demands or discouragingrelationships outside of your
own.
An example would be you tellyour partner that they can't
(07:53):
have those close friendshipswith people of the opposite sex
because it makes youuncomfortable, even though
they've never given you a reasonnot to trust them.
You can shift your mindset ifyou have controlling behaviors
by recognizing that controllingsomeone does not create security
.
It creates resentment anddistance.
You can do it by trusting thathealthy relationships are built
(08:16):
on choice, not pressure.
Letting someone have spaceactually strengthens your
relationship, focusing on whatyou can control your reactions,
your self-care and your personalgrowth.
Jealousy can look like checkingor snooping.
You feel anxious when you don'thave full visibility into
someone else's actions, leadingyou to check their texts, their
(08:40):
emails or social media.
You look for signs of danger,like another person taking your
place, even when there's no realevidence.
For example, your partnerleaves their phone on the table
and you might feel the urge togo through their messages, even
though they've never beenunfaithful before.
Here's how you can change yourmindset.
If you're checking in on lovedones or snooping, recognize that
(09:02):
snooping comes from a lack oftrust.
If you feel the need to check,ask yourself why.
What's behind this?
Remind yourself that trustshould be given until there's a
real reason to doubt it.
Jealousy can show up as feelingrejected over small things.
A small shift in someone'sbehavior can make you feel
abandoned or maybe unimportant.
(09:24):
You may personalize harmlessactions, making them mean that
the person doesn't care aboutyou anymore.
For example, your best friendmakes weekend plans with another
friend and, instead of seeingit as normal, you take it
personally and assume that theydon't value your friendship
anymore.
You can shift your mindset ifyou're feeling rejected by
challenging assumptions.
(09:44):
Ask yourself could there beanother reason that they didn't
invite me?
Maybe it was last minute, ormaybe they thought you were busy
Reminding yourself that oneevent or one unanswered message
does not define your entirerelationship.
Distract yourself withsomething fulfilling instead of
dwelling on the perceivedrejection.
(10:05):
Now let's talk about envy incodependent relationships.
Envy is a tricky emotion andit's one that makes you feel
like you're always fallingbehind, while everyone else
seems to have it all togetherbehind while everyone else seems
to have it all together.
In codependent relationships,envy can be deeply tied to
self-worth and it createsfeelings of inadequacy and
resentment.
When you struggle with settingboundaries, prioritizing
(10:27):
yourself or feeling secure inwho you are, it's easy to look
at others and think why can theydo it and I can't?
So let's explore how envy showsup in codependent relationships
and how to shift your mindset.
Envy can show up as measuringyour worth against others.
You constantly compare yourachievements, relationships or
(10:48):
appearance to others and feellike you don't measure up.
If someone else is succeeding.
It makes you question your ownvalue instead of celebrating
their accomplishments.
As an example, your friend getsinto a healthy, loving
relationship while you're stillhealing from toxic ones.
Instead of being happy for them, you feel like a failure and
(11:08):
wonder if you'll ever have thesame.
You can shift your mindset byreminding yourself that your
journey is unique.
Someone else's success does notmean that you're failing.
It just means that they're on adifferent path than you.
Focus on your progress insteadof where you think that you
should be.
Envy can show up as you'reresenting someone else's
(11:28):
independence.
Seeing someone set boundariesand confidently prioritize
themselves can trigger feelingsof envy, especially if you
struggle with those things.
For example, a co-workerdeclines extra work and
confidently leaves on time whileyou stay late.
You're over committing yourselfbecause you fear disappointing
others.
Instead of respecting theirability to set limits, you feel
(11:50):
resentment towards them.
You can shift your mindset ifyou're resenting someone else's
independence.
Instead of feeling bitter, usetheir confidence as inspiration.
Ask yourself what's stopping mefrom doing the same thing.
Start practicing smallboundaries in your own life,
saying no and taking breaks orprioritizing your needs.
(12:10):
Envy can come from social mediacomparisons, scrolling through
social media and seeing others'travels, buying homes or
reaching milestones can make youfeel like you're missing out.
As an example, you see a friendpost about their dream vacation
and instead of enjoying thecontent, you spiral into
thoughts of why can't I affordthat?
My life is so boring incomparison to theirs?
(12:32):
You can shift your mindset withthis too.
Remember that social media isjust a highlight reel.
People don't post theirstruggles, their doubts or their
failures.
So the next time you findyourself spiraling because Becky
from high school bought a newhouse and you're still figuring
out how to fold a fitted sheet,just stop and take a deep breath
.
Social media isn't real life.
(12:55):
It's a performance.
And if you compare your behindthe scenes footage to someone
else's blockbuster premiere, ofcourse you're going to feel like
you're falling behind, buttrust me when I say that you're
probably doing just fine.
And if certain accounts makeyou feel worse about yourself,
considering on following them ormuting them.
(13:15):
So where do these feelings comefrom?
Jealousy and envy don't justappear out of nowhere.
They usually have deep roots inour past, whether it's
childhood experiences, pastrelationships or the constant
pressure from social media.
These feelings are often shapedby what we've been taught about
love, success and self-worth.
(13:36):
A lot of our emotional patternsstart when we're really young.
If we grew up in an environmentwhere love and attention felt
conditional, it's no surprisethat we'd struggle with jealousy
and envy as adults.
Were you maybe compared tosiblings or classmates?
Maybe you always felt like youhad to be the best to be able to
earn approval, and now, whenyou see someone succeeding, you
(13:59):
feel like you're not good enough.
Did love feel like a rewardinstead of a constant?
If you only got praised whenyou achieved something, had good
grades, being easy to handle ormaking your parents proud, you
might have learned that yourworth is based on what you do
rather than who you are.
Did you grow up in anenvironment where resources like
(14:21):
love, attention or praise feltreally scarce?
If so, jealousy might be anatural response because you
feel like there's not enough togo around.
If you've been hurt in pastrelationships, whether romantic,
platonic or even familyrelationships, those experiences
can shape how you see the world.
Have you maybe been betrayed orabandoned before?
(14:42):
If someone you loved left,cheated or rejected you,
jealousy might kick in as adefense mechanism.
You might feel like youconstantly have to prove your
worth to keep people fromleaving.
Do you struggle to trustbecause of past experiences.
If your trust has been brokenbefore, it makes sense that you
might feel jealous when apartner or friend spends time
(15:04):
with someone else.
And let's be honest, socialmedia is basically a highlight
reel of people's amazing lives.
It's hard to compare oureveryday struggles to someone
else's perfectly curated postsand it's easy to feel like we're
falling behind.
People don't post theirfailures, their bad days or
their insecurities.
You're comparing your realityto someone else's highlight reel
(15:25):
.
Nobody's going to be posting aselfie with the caption just
cried in my car after beingghosted again, or a boomerang of
them opening their 15threjection email.
Jealousy and envy can sneak upon us and take over our thoughts
before we even realize it.
But instead of letting thesefeelings control us, we can
learn to recognize them,understand them and shift our
(15:48):
perspective.
Healing from jealousy and envydoesn't mean that you're never
going to feel them again.
It just means that they won'thave that same power over you.
Here's how to manage theseemotions and to keep them in
check Recognize and name thefeeling.
The first step in healing fromjealousy or envy is to notice
when it happens, instead ofletting it simmer under the
(16:10):
surface or turn into resentment.
Pause and acknowledge what'sgoing on.
Ask yourself what is it exactlythat I'm feeling.
Is it jealousy, the fear oflosing something, or envy,
wanting what someone else has?
Identify why you're feelingthis way.
Did something trigger an oldinsecurity?
Naming the feeling takes awaysome of its power.
(16:33):
Instead of just reacting, youcan start working through it.
So, as an example, you see afriend get a promotion and
instead of thinking they don'tdeserve that, just pause and say
I'm feeling envious.
Why?
Maybe because I wish I had morecareer success too.
Is there something that I cando about that?
More career success, too?
(16:55):
Is there something that I cando about that?
Maybe make a list and focus onyour other successes, or sign up
for a course that will help youmove up in the company, if
that's what you really want.
You can shift from comparison toinspiration.
Comparison can make us feellike we're falling behind, but
what if, instead of seeingsomeone else's success as a
reminder of what you don't have,you saw it as a motivation?
(17:16):
Instead of thinking why do theyhave that and not me?
Ask what can I learn from them?
Use their success as proof thatwhat you want is possible for
you as well.
Remind yourself that everyonehas their own journey.
You don't see the strugglesthat they face behind the scenes
.
If your friend is in a happyrelationship and you're single,
(17:38):
instead of thinking, why do theyget love?
And I don't shift your mindsetto what qualities do they bring
to the relationship that I canwork on in my own life, maybe
try practicing gratitude,jealousy and envy focus on
what's missing, but gratitudeshifts the focus to what you
already have.
Maybe start a gratitude journaland each day, write down three
(18:01):
things that you're grateful for.
Whenever envy creeps in, stopand name something that you
appreciate about your life.
Remember that someone else isprobably looking at your life
and feeling envious as well.
So there are qualities that youhave that other people might
want.
Challenge negative thoughts.
Jealousy and envy often comewith harsh self-talk I'll never
(18:25):
be that successful.
I'm not good enough.
I'll always be left behind.
These thoughts aren't facts.
They're just old patterns.
So challenge them, replace I'llnever be good enough with.
I'm on my own unique journeyand swap out.
They have something that Idon't, for.
I have strengths of my own.
(18:46):
Remind yourself that you areenough, regardless of what
anyone else has.
Instead of thinking I'll neverhave a body like theirs.
Try saying I can take care ofmy body in a way that feels good
to me.
Strengthen your own identity.
The stronger your sense of self, the less you'll feel the need
to compare.
When you truly know who you are, someone else's success doesn't
(19:10):
feel like a threat.
It's just their path, not yours.
So focus on what you love, notwhat society says that you
should want.
Spend time doing things thatmake you feel confident and
fulfilled.
Surround yourself with peoplewho celebrate you just as you
are.
If you're envious of someoneelse's confidence, instead of
(19:30):
wishing that you had it,practice building your own.
Try new hobbies, set smallgoals and focus on your
strengths instead of wishingthat you had it.
Practice building your own.
Try new hobbies, set smallgoals and focus on your
strengths instead of comparingyourself to others.
Jealousy and envy are emotionsthat everyone experience at some
point in their lives, but whenthey're left unchecked, they can
take over our thoughts, ourrelationships and our self-worth
.
In this episode, we broke downthe key differences between
(19:53):
jealousy the fear of losingsomething that you have and envy
the longing for something thatwe don't have.
We explored how they show up incodependent relationships and
uncovered where these feelingscome from, whether it's
childhood experiences, pastbetrayals or unrealistic
comparisons that we make throughsocial media.
More importantly, we discoveredhow to manage these emotions in
(20:15):
a healthier way.
By shifting our perspectivefrom competition to inspiration,
practicing gratitude andstrengthening our own sense of
self, we can release the holdthat jealousy and envy have on
us.
Instead of feeling threatenedby other's success or loved, we
can learn to trust our own worthand to recognize that we are
already enough.
(20:36):
Jealousy and envy don't make youa bad person.
They make you human, but theydon't have to run your life.
When you recognize them forwhat they are, challenge the
thoughts behind them and focuson your own unique journey, they
lose their power over you.
The more you embrace yourunique path, the less that
you're going to feel the need tocompare yourself to others.
(20:56):
So take a deep breath, trustthat you are exactly where you
need to be and move forward,knowing that your worth has
never depended on what anyoneelse has.
Here are some reflectionexercises for this week, if you
would like to do some journalwork.
Think about a recent time whenyou felt jealous or envious.
What triggered these feelings?
(21:18):
Were you afraid of losingsomething, or were you wishing
for something that you didn'thave.
Where did these feelings comefrom?
Did you grow up feelingcompared to others, needing to
prove your worth or fearingbeing replaced?
How can you reframe jealousy orenvy into something more
constructive, instead ofthinking why not me?
(21:39):
What can you learn from theperson or the situation that
triggered these emotions?
List five things that you loveabout your life right now.
How can you focus on your ownjourney instead of comparing
yourself to others?
If jealousy and envy didn'thold you back, what would you
focus on?
How can you redirect yourenergy towards your own growth
(22:00):
and happiness?
If you have a moment, I'd reallyappreciate it if you could like
subscribe and maybe leave acomment on this podcast.
It helps others who mightbenefit find it a little more
easily.
I've started a newsletter whichis loaded with great
information on codependencyrecovery, and I'm also on Blue
Sky under the name at Dr AngelaDowney.
(22:20):
That's at Dr Angela Downey.
You can still find me onFacebook and Instagram, so let's
be sure to connect soon.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor when I'mgoing to be talking about
(22:42):
burnout.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace senior doctorfor mental health concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(23:03):
a hospital, call 9-1-1 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
codependent doctor.
We can do this together.
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