February 24, 2025 • 27 mins
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I am excited to present part two of our miniseries on addictions, focusing specifically on the transformative power of 12-step programs. Whether you’re familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous or simply curious about the principles behind these programs, this episode is designed to provide valuable insights for everyone—whether you’re on your own recovery journey, supporting someone else, or just looking to learn more.
We begin by exploring the origins of 12-step programs, which date back to the 1930s with the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith. Their journey of mutual support laid the groundwork for a model that has since helped millions worldwide. At the heart of these programs are the 12 steps, a series of actions that guide individuals through understanding their problems, taking accountability, and finding healing.
I break down the first three steps, emphasizing the importance of surrender, hope, and trust. Step one involves admitting powerlessness over addiction and recognizing that life has become unmanageable. This step is often the hardest for many, as it requires a deep level of honesty and acceptance. Step two encourages individuals to believe in a power greater than themselves, fostering hope and openness to change. Step three is about making a conscious decision to turn one’s will and life over to this higher power, emphasizing the need to let go of control.
As we delve deeper into the steps, I discuss steps four through nine, which focus on accountability and making amends. These steps encourage self-reflection, vulnerability, and the willingness to take responsibility for past actions. I share personal anecdotes to illustrate the emotional challenges and profound growth that can come from this process.
The final steps—ten through twelve—center on spiritual growth and service. I highlight the importance of ongoing self-awareness, connecting with a higher power, and sharing one’s journey with others. The power of community and shared experiences in 12-step programs is a recurring theme, as it provides a supportive environment where individuals can feel understood and accepted.
Throughout the episode, I address common myths and misconceptions about 12-step programs, such as the belief that they require religious affiliation or that they are only for those with substance addictions. I emphasize that these programs
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today, in part two of the Addictions miniseries,
we're diving into somethingthat's changed countless lives
12-step programs.
Whether you've heard of themthrough Alcoholics Anonymous,
know someone who swears by them,or just curious about what
they're all about, this episodeis for you.
We're going to break down howthey work, why they've been a
game-changer for so many peopleand tackle some of the biggest
(00:21):
questions and myths surroundingthem.
Whether you're on your ownrecovery journey, supporting
someone else or just looking tolearn more, then stick around.
There's something here foreveryone.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
(00:42):
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:07):
the 30th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is all aboutthe 12-step programs.
It's the second episode in mymini-series on addictions, so if
you haven't checked out thefirst episode yet.
I highly recommend givingepisode 29 a listen after this
one.
It's a great introduction tounderstanding addictions and
(01:29):
sets the stage for the series.
12-step programs are all aboutfinding support and structure to
help people overcome addictionsor other challenges in life.
They actually started way backin the 1930s with Alcoholics
Anonymous or AA, which you'veprobably heard of.
It all began with two men, billWilson, who was a stockbroker,
and Dr Bob Smith, who was asurgeon, and they were both
(01:52):
struggling with alcoholism.
They realized that by sharingtheir experiences and leaning on
each other for support, theywere better able to stay sober.
That simple idea turned intoprograms that helped millions of
people around the world.
That simple idea turned intoprograms that help millions of
people around the world.
At the core of the 12-stepprograms are, well, the 12 steps
.
These are basically a series ofactions that guide you through
(02:13):
understanding your problem,taking accountability and
finding ways to heal, whetherthat's by making amends to
people that you've hurt orleaning on a higher power.
However you choose to define ahigher power, it's not about
judgment or perfection.
It's about progress andlearning to live one day at a
time.
The 12-step model has grown waybeyond just alcohol recovery.
(02:38):
Now there are recovery groupsfor everything from narcotics
and gambling to overeating andeven codependency.
No matter what someone'sstruggling with, the idea is the
same.
You don't have to go throughthis alone.
Recovery is about showing up,being honest with yourself and
finding strength in a communitythat truly gets it.
The 12 Steps are the backboneof any 12-step program and they
(02:59):
offer a roadmap for recovery.
They're designed to guidepeople through understanding
their addiction, takingresponsibility for their actions
and building a healthier, morefulfilling life.
Keep in mind, this is just asimplified overview of the steps
.
When you actually go throughthe program, you're going to
have a better chance to divedeeper into each step and to
(03:19):
really personalize the journey.
The first few steps are allabout surrender.
This means admitting that youhave a problem and recognizing
that you can't overcome it alone.
For many, this is the hardestpart Acknowledging that life has
become unmanageable and beingwilling to ask for help.
It's about letting go of theidea that you have to control
(03:40):
everything and instead trustingin a process of recovery.
Step one admit powerlessnessover the addiction and that life
has become unmanageable.
The theme here is acceptance ofthe problem and the need for
help.
Step one is all about honesty,the kind of gut level honesty
(04:01):
that can be uncomfortable, butit's absolutely necessary for
change.
This step asks you to admitthat your addiction has taken
control and that your life hasbecome unmanageable because of
it.
It's not about labelingyourself as a failure or giving
up.
It's about acknowledging thatwhatever you've been doing to
cope just isn't working anymore.
(04:21):
Think about it like thisImagine you're trying to fix a
leakly faucet, but no matter howmuch you tighten or adjust it,
the water just keeps dripping,and now it's flooding your
kitchen.
Step one is that moment whereyou step back, take a deep
breath and say, okay, I can'tfix this on my own, I need a
plumber, I need help.
It's not about blaming yourselffor the leak.
(04:43):
It's about realizing that youneed tools and support to stop
it.
Someone struggling with alcoholmight come to terms with how
drinking has affected their life.
Maybe they've noticed thatthey're missing work, losing
friends or getting intoarguments that they don't even
remember.
They might have told themselvesI can stop whenever I want, but
deep down they know that it'snot true.
(05:04):
Step one is about finallysaying this isn't something that
I can control anymore and it'shurting me and the people around
me.
The key is letting go of theillusion of control.
Addiction can make you feellike you're in charge, even when
it's clearly running the show.
Step one isn't about weakness,it's about strength.
It takes courage to admit thatyou need help and to face the
(05:26):
reality of the situation.
By doing so, you're opening thedoor to change and setting the
foundation for all the stepsthat follow.
It's like saying I'm ready tostop fighting this alone, and
that's a powerful first step.
Step two believe that a powergreater than ourselves can
restore us to sanity.
The theme is hope and opennessto change.
(05:47):
Step two is about finding hopeand opening yourself up to the
idea that you don't have to dothis alone.
It's recognizing that somethingbigger whether it's a higher
power, a recovery community orthe 12 steps can help you get
back on track.
Steps can help you get back ontrack.
It's not about religion, unlessthat's your thing, but
(06:09):
believing that change ispossible and that you're not
stuck forever.
Think of it like asking fordirections when you're lost.
Step two is admitting that youneed guidance, whether that's
spiritual, the wisdom of asponsor or the support of a
group.
For someone struggling withgambling, for example, it might
mean realizing that quittingalone isn't working and being
open to help.
It's about trusting that thingscan get better and taking the
(06:31):
first step towards peace andstability.
This willingness to believe inchange is the spark that leads
to healing.
Step three make a decision toturn our will and lives over to
the care of this higher power.
As we understand it, the themeis trust and letting go of
control.
Step three is about trust andletting go of the need to
(06:52):
control everything.
It's deciding to hand over thereins to something bigger than
yourself, whether that's ahigher power, the recovery
process or simply the idea thatyou don't have all the answers.
It's saying I've been trying todo this my way and it's not
working.
I need help.
This step isn't about giving upresponsibility.
It's about trusting the processand allowing guidance from
(07:14):
something beyond your ownwillpower.
For example, someone strugglingwith substance abuse might
realize their promises to drinkless or to stop tomorrow keep
falling apart.
Step three is their moment thatthey say I don't have to figure
this out alone.
It's not about instant peace orperfection.
It's about being open tosomething new and letting
(07:34):
yourself be supported.
That willingness is thefoundation for real change.
Steps four to nine demonstrateaccountability, which is a big
theme in the middle steps.
This is where you take a good,honest look at yourself, your
behaviors and the impact thatyou've had on others.
You'll also make a list ofpeople that you've hurt and,
(07:55):
when it's appropriate, you'regoing to take steps to make
amends.
It's not about beating yourselfup.
It's about owning your actionsand working to heal
relationships, including the onethat you have with yourself.
Step four make a searching andfearless moral inventory of
ourselves.
The theme is self-reflectionand honesty.
Step four is about getting realwith yourself, taking an honest
(08:18):
look at your actions, patternsand the things holding you back.
It's not about beating yourselfup, but shining a light on what
you've been avoiding so thatyou can let go of it and move
forward.
Think of it like cleaning out acluttered closet you sort
through the good, the bad andthe unnecessary, keeping your
strengths and tossing outresentments, fear or harmful
(08:39):
behaviors.
You might realize that anger orfear, failure have been driving
unhealthy choices.
Writing it all down can helpyou see things clearly and to
start making changes.
It's a powerful step because itlays the foundation for healing
and growth.
It's not easy, but by beinghonest with yourself, you're
setting the stage for lastingchange.
(09:01):
I clearly remember doing stepfour.
It was tough and I cried mostdays when I was working through
it.
It was hard to relive all thehurt that I had gone through and
the feelings of shame for allthe wrong things I had done.
It was a process trying tofigure out why I did some of the
things I did, what drove me todo it, when someone hurt me, why
(09:21):
did they do it and how did itaffect my behavior in the future
.
It was challenging, but it wasalso very freeing.
Step five admit to ourselves, toa higher power and to another
person the exact nature of ourwrongs.
The theme here is vulnerabilityand honesty with others.
Step five is about opening upand being vulnerable, not just
(09:43):
with yourself, but with someonethat you trust and, if it fits,
a higher power.
After the deep self-reflectionin step four, this step takes it
further by sharing your truthsout loud.
It can feel uncomfortable, butit's incredibly freeing.
It's like lifting the weightthat you've been carrying on
your back for years Secrets andshame.
(10:03):
They lose their power whenthey're brought into the open.
Admitting to a sponsor or atrusted friend that your
addictions led to lying orneglecting responsibilities
might feel scary at first, butmost of the time you'll find
support, not judgment, andthat's a powerful step towards
healing.
Step five isn't about beingperfect.
It's about breaking theisolation and letting someone
(10:26):
else in.
It's hard, but it's also a hugestep towards letting go of
shame and moving forward withhonesty and courage.
Step six become entirely readyto have our defects of character
removed.
The theme here is willingnessto change.
Step six is about being trulyready for change not just saying
it, but being open to lettinggo of the habits and attitudes
(10:49):
holding you back.
It's about saying I'm ready togrow and move forward, even if
you don't know exactly how yet.
Think of it like cleaning out agarden.
You've identified the weeds,the flaws, fears or bad habits,
and now you're ready to pullthem out and make space for
better things to grow.
Maybe you've realized anger orblame has been holding you back.
(11:10):
Step six isn't about becomingperfect overnight.
It's about willing to let goand trust the process.
This step is going to takepatience and humility.
It's about acknowledging thatyou can't do it all on your own
and being open to guidance froma higher power, a sponsor or the
recovery process.
That willingness is the firststep towards real growth and a
(11:32):
healthier future.
Hey there, I'm taking a quickbreak to share something that I
think you'll love.
I love to read, but, if I'mbeing honest, I love audiobooks
even more, and since I often getasked for book recommendations
on codependency and recovery, Idecided to put together an
easy-to-read PDF with some of mytop picks.
(11:52):
You can grab the reading listby clicking on the link in the
show notes.
Plus, when you sign up, you'llalso get my newsletter, which is
packed with valuable resourcesfor your recovery journey.
If you're not into the readinglist but you still want the
newsletter, then there's noproblem.
There's a link for that too.
I hope you find some greatreads in there.
Now let's get back to theepisode.
(12:14):
Step seven humbly ask a higherpower to remove these
shortcomings.
The theme is humility andseeking growth.
Step seven is about humilityand asking for help to grow.
It's recognizing that you can'tfix everything on your own and
being open to guidance, whetherfrom a higher power, the
recovery process or your supportnetwork.
(12:35):
It's not about weakness.
It's about trusting that truegrowth often requires support.
In step six, you became readyto let go of harmful habits and
now, in step seven you takeaction by asking for the
strength to change.
Maybe pride or fear has beenholding you back.
This step is about asking forcourage to move past those
(12:55):
barriers.
The key is humility,acknowledging that you're human
and willing to accept help tobecome your best self.
It's about doing your part andtrusting the process to guide
you towards real change.
Step eight make a list of allpersons we have harmed and
become willing to make amends.
The theme is responsibility andpreparation for repair.
(13:17):
Step eight is about takingresponsibility for the harm
you've caused, not beatingyourself up.
It's about making a list ofpeople that you've hurt and
being willing to make thingsright when the time comes.
This step is a relationshipinventory where you reflect on
how your actions, like lying,neglecting friendships or
lashing out, have impacted otherpeople.
(13:38):
For example, you might list afriend who lost trust in you
because of a broken promise, ora family member hurt by your
anger.
The focus is on your part ofthe situation and not blaming
others or telling them what theydid wrong.
This step helps you see theripple effects of your actions
and prepares you for healing,not just for the people that
you've hurt, but also foryourself too.
(14:00):
You're not making amends yet.
That's step nine.
For now, it's aboutacknowledging the harm and being
willing to take responsibility.
It's a powerful step towardsrebuilding trust and moving from
regret to accountability.
The theme here is action andreconciliation.
(14:24):
Step 9 is about putting Step 8into action by making amends to
those that you've hurt.
It's more than saying I'm sorry.
It's about takingresponsibility and showing
through your actions that you'recommitted to change.
In some cases, making amendsmight mean paying back money
that you owe, apologizingsincerely to someone or
(14:46):
rebuilding trust by beingreliable, but not all situations
allow for direct amends.
If reaching out would harmsomeone further, you can find
other ways to make peace, likewriting an unsent letter or
doing something positive intheir honor.
The focus is on repairingdamage while respecting others'
well-being, even if forgivenessdoesn't come.
(15:07):
Taking this step is freeing anda powerful way to rebuild trust
, repair relationships and moveforward with integrity.
When I got divorced, myfather-in-law really struggled
with my decision to leave hisson.
He was deeply hurt and itshowed in ways that I hadn't
expected.
One day, when we saw each otherand I said hello, he wouldn't
(15:28):
reply.
He just looked right past me.
I felt like I no longer existedto him and it was really
painful.
We're all human and sometimeswe act in ways that we're not
proud of.
He was a regular attendee of AAand was sober for over 40 years
.
A few years after ourseparation he was working
through his steps again, as hedid every couple of years, and
(15:51):
while he was on step nine hesent me a letter acknowledging
the shame that he felt about hisbehavior that day and how
hurtful his behavior must havebeen for me.
The relief when I read thisletter was palpable.
I was able to exhale again.
That letter didn't just free me.
It freed both of us from thepain that we'd been carrying
with us.
(16:11):
Admitting our mistakes is nevereasy.
It's likely one of the hardestthings that you're ever going to
do, but it can have a profoundimpact on everyone involved.
Because of that letter, we wereable to heal and become friends
again.
My father-in-law has sincepassed away, but he left behind
a legacy of healing andredemption.
He wrote a book called Takingthe Trip of a Lifetime A Journey
(16:35):
Through the 12 Steps, byAnonymous Alcoholic.
You can find it on Amazon andit's a worthwhile read if you're
looking for guidance andrecovery or making amends.
Steps 10 to 12 focus onspiritual growth, though it's
important to note that 12-stepprograms aren't tied to any
specific religion.
The idea is to connect withsomeone greater than yourself,
(16:56):
whether that's a higher power,the universe, or even just the
collective strength of yourrecovery group.
This helps you find perspective, purpose and some strength as
you move forward.
Step 10, continue to takepersonal inventory and promptly
admit when we are wrong.
The theme here is ongoingself-awareness and
accountability.
Step 10 is like maintenance foryour recovery.
(17:19):
You've done a lot of work toget to this point and this step
is about keeping that progressgoing by staying self-aware and
accountable.
It's a daily practice ofchecking in with yourself,
recognizing when you've messedup and making it right quickly
before things spiral.
Think of it like tidying upyour house Instead of letting
things pile up until it'soverwhelming.
(17:39):
You deal with the issues asthey come.
For example, if you snap at aco-worker because you're
stressed, step 10 meansadmitting it and apologizing
right away instead of brushingit off or letting it fester.
Or maybe you notice yourselfslipping back into old habits
like avoiding responsibilitiesor holding on to resentment.
Step 10 is your reminder topause, reflect and get back on
(18:01):
track.
This step isn't about beingperfect.
It's about progress.
Life happens and mistakes areinevitable, but step 10 helps
you deal with them in a healthy,honest way.
By staying aware of youractions and making amends when
needed, you're not onlymaintaining your recovery, but
also continuing to grow andstrengthen your relationships.
It's like a daily reset buttonthat keeps you moving forward.
(18:25):
Step 11, seek, through prayerand meditation, to improve our
connection with a higher power,seeking knowledge of their will
for us and the power to carry itout.
The theme is spiritual growthand mindfulness with your higher
(18:50):
power or whatever gives you asense of purpose and guidance
through practices like prayer,meditation or quiet reflection.
The idea here isn't aboutreligion, unless that resonates
with you.
It's about taking time tolisten, reflect and seek clarity
in your life.
Think of it as hitting thepause button during your busy
day to check in with yourselfand whatever gives you strength.
For example, you might spend afew minutes in the morning
(19:11):
meditating, asking for guidance,or just sitting quietly and
reflecting on your intentionsfor the day, or maybe you pray,
journal or even take a mindfulwalk outside.
The practice doesn't have tolook a certain way.
It just needs to help you feelconnected and focused.
Step 12.
Carry this message to othersand practice these principles in
(19:32):
all areas of your life.
The theme is service, givingback and living.
The program Step 12 is aboutpaying it forward.
You've worked hard to get whereyou are, and this step is about
sharing what you've learned tohelp others.
It's not just about talking thetalk.
It's about walking the walk andpracticing what you've learned
(19:52):
in all areas of your life.
For example, you might mentorsomeone who's just starting the
recovery journey or sharing yourstory to give them hope and
guidance.
Or maybe you volunteer in yourcommunity and you show up
consistently for your family, orsimply live in a way that
reflects the principles ofhonesty, accountability and
compassion that you've embraced.
One of the biggest reasons12-step programs work is the
(20:14):
power of shared experiences.
There's something incrediblycomforting about sitting in a
room or even a virtual meetingwith people who truly get it.
Everyone there has faced theirown struggles with addictions
and similar challenges, so youdon't have to explain yourself
or feel like you're being judged.
When someone shares their story, you might think, wow, that's
(20:34):
exactly how I feel, and thatconnection can be so healing.
It's a reminder that you're notalone and that recovery is
possible because you'resurrounded by people living it.
Another reason 12-step programsare effective is their structure
.
The 12 steps provide a clearand practical roadmap for growth
.
It's not just about stoppingthe addiction.
(20:54):
It's about understanding why ithappened and repairing the
damage that it caused.
It also helps build a healthierversion of yourself.
Each step builds on the last,so you're never left wondering
what do I do next?
The structure can be alifesaver when everything else
feels chaotic.
And then there's the communityitself.
12-step programs are all aboutcreating a supportive,
(21:17):
non-judgmental environment.
No one's there to criticize orshame you.
They're there to help you.
Whether you're sharing asuccess or a setback, you're met
with understanding andencouragement.
That kind of support can makeall the difference, especially
when you're navigating the upsand downs of recovery.
At the heart of it, the 12-stepprograms work because they
(21:37):
combine connection, structureand support in a way that meets
people where they are.
They remind you that recoveryis a journey that you don't have
to take alone, and that kind ofhope and guidance can be
incredibly powerful.
There's a lot of myths andmisconceptions out there about
12-step programs, and they canmake people a little hesitant to
(21:58):
give them a try.
The most common misconceptionis likely that you need to be
religious to participate.
You don't.
While the steps mention ahigher power, the program is
about spirituality, not religion.
Your higher power can beanything that gives you strength
, whether that's the universe,nature, god, the group itself,
the idea of hope or some magicalcreature that you made up.
(22:19):
It's not about following aspecific faith, but finding
something greater than yourselfto help guide your recovery.
Many people personalize thisaspect in a way that works for
them, so don't let the word Godin the steps scare you off.
Another misconception is thatthe steps are rigid and
judgmental.
The steps are meant to be aguide, not a strict rule book.
(22:41):
They're flexible enough to meetpeople where they are and no
one's grading you on how wellyou're doing with them.
Recovery is personal andeveryone's journey looks
different.
The group isn't there to judgeyou.
They're there to support you,whether you move through the
steps really quickly or takeyour time.
The focus is on progress, notperfection.
(23:01):
This was the name of mycodependency 12-step group.
It was progress, not perfection, which is so fitting.
The last misconception I wantedto discuss is that 12-step
programs are only for peoplewith substance addictions.
This is a big one.
While Alcoholics Anonymousstarted the 12-step model.
It's been adapted for all kindsof struggles, including
(23:22):
behavioral addictions likeOvereaters Anonymous, gamblers
Anonymous and CodependentsAnonymous, also called CODA.
If something in your life feelsout of control and is
negatively impacting you,there's probably a 12-step group
for it.
The program's principles likeself-awareness, accountability
and community support apply to awide range of challenges, not
(23:43):
just substance use.
At the end of the day, 12-stepprograms are all about offering
support, hope and tools forchange, without judgment or
one-size-fits-all rules.
They're open to anyone who'sready to make a change and
willing to take the first step.
But let's be real 12-stepprograms aren't for everyone,
and that's okay.
Some people don't connect withthe approach and there are a few
(24:05):
common reasons why.
One big reason is the focus onspirituality, and there are a
few common reasons why One bigreason is the focus on
spirituality, even though it'snot about religion.
The idea of a higher power canfeel uncomfortable and
off-putting for some people.
If you're someone who doesn'tvibe with that concept, it might
make the program feel like it'snot a good fit for you.
Others might find the structureor the steps too rigid.
While the program is flexiblein practice, some people feel
(24:28):
like the steps have a certaintone or approach that doesn't
resonate with them, especiallyif they prefer a more
individualized or science-basedrecovery method.
There's also the focus on groupdynamics.
Some people thrive in theshared experience of meetings,
but others might feel that thegroup setting is overwhelming
and would prefer a more privateway to work through the recovery
.
And let's face it, not everyonelikes sharing their feelings in
(24:50):
front of a room full of people.
If the 12-step approach doesn'tfeel right for you, there are
plenty of alternatives toexplore.
Next week, we're diving into theworld of alternative recovery
programs.
There are so many other pathsto healing.
We'll explore programs likeSMART Recovery, which focuses on
self-empowerment andscience-based tools, and Refuge
(25:15):
Recovery, which blendsmindfulness with Buddhist
principles.
We'll also touch on the role oftherapy, whether one-on-one or
group-based, and how it canoffer a more personalized
approach to recovery.
At the end of the day, recoveryisn't one-size-fits-all.
What matters is finding a goodmethod that resonates with you
and gives you the tools andsupport that you need to heal.
Whether it's a 12-step programor another approach, the goal is
(25:36):
the same building a healthier,happier life.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I will meet you here next weekfor another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'll beexploring alternative recovery
programs.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
(25:59):
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
(26:20):
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Today, in part two of the Addictions miniseries,
we're diving into somethingthat's changed countless lives
12-step programs.
Whether you've heard of themthrough Alcoholics Anonymous,
know someone who swears by them,or just curious about what
they're all about, this episodeis for you.
We're going to break down howthey work, why they've been a
game-changer for so many peopleand tackle some of the biggest
(00:21):
questions and myths surroundingthem.
Whether you're on your ownrecovery journey, supporting
someone else or just looking tolearn more, then stick around.
There's something here foreveryone.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
(00:42):
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
(01:07):
the 30th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today's episode is all aboutthe 12-step programs.
It's the second episode in mymini-series on addictions, so if
you haven't checked out thefirst episode yet.
I highly recommend givingepisode 29 a listen after this
one.
It's a great introduction tounderstanding addictions and
(01:29):
sets the stage for the series.
12-step programs are all aboutfinding support and structure to
help people overcome addictionsor other challenges in life.
They actually started way backin the 1930s with Alcoholics
Anonymous or AA, which you'veprobably heard of.
It all began with two men, billWilson, who was a stockbroker,
and Dr Bob Smith, who was asurgeon, and they were both
(01:52):
struggling with alcoholism.
They realized that by sharingtheir experiences and leaning on
each other for support, theywere better able to stay sober.
That simple idea turned intoprograms that helped millions of
people around the world.
That simple idea turned intoprograms that help millions of
people around the world.
At the core of the 12-stepprograms are, well, the 12 steps
.
These are basically a series ofactions that guide you through
(02:13):
understanding your problem,taking accountability and
finding ways to heal, whetherthat's by making amends to
people that you've hurt orleaning on a higher power.
However you choose to define ahigher power, it's not about
judgment or perfection.
It's about progress andlearning to live one day at a
time.
The 12-step model has grown waybeyond just alcohol recovery.
(02:38):
Now there are recovery groupsfor everything from narcotics
and gambling to overeating andeven codependency.
No matter what someone'sstruggling with, the idea is the
same.
You don't have to go throughthis alone.
Recovery is about showing up,being honest with yourself and
finding strength in a communitythat truly gets it.
The 12 Steps are the backboneof any 12-step program and they
(02:59):
offer a roadmap for recovery.
They're designed to guidepeople through understanding
their addiction, takingresponsibility for their actions
and building a healthier, morefulfilling life.
Keep in mind, this is just asimplified overview of the steps
.
When you actually go throughthe program, you're going to
have a better chance to divedeeper into each step and to
(03:19):
really personalize the journey.
The first few steps are allabout surrender.
This means admitting that youhave a problem and recognizing
that you can't overcome it alone.
For many, this is the hardestpart Acknowledging that life has
become unmanageable and beingwilling to ask for help.
It's about letting go of theidea that you have to control
(03:40):
everything and instead trustingin a process of recovery.
Step one admit powerlessnessover the addiction and that life
has become unmanageable.
The theme here is acceptance ofthe problem and the need for
help.
Step one is all about honesty,the kind of gut level honesty
(04:01):
that can be uncomfortable, butit's absolutely necessary for
change.
This step asks you to admitthat your addiction has taken
control and that your life hasbecome unmanageable because of
it.
It's not about labelingyourself as a failure or giving
up.
It's about acknowledging thatwhatever you've been doing to
cope just isn't working anymore.
(04:21):
Think about it like thisImagine you're trying to fix a
leakly faucet, but no matter howmuch you tighten or adjust it,
the water just keeps dripping,and now it's flooding your
kitchen.
Step one is that moment whereyou step back, take a deep
breath and say, okay, I can'tfix this on my own, I need a
plumber, I need help.
It's not about blaming yourselffor the leak.
(04:43):
It's about realizing that youneed tools and support to stop
it.
Someone struggling with alcoholmight come to terms with how
drinking has affected their life.
Maybe they've noticed thatthey're missing work, losing
friends or getting intoarguments that they don't even
remember.
They might have told themselvesI can stop whenever I want, but
deep down they know that it'snot true.
(05:04):
Step one is about finallysaying this isn't something that
I can control anymore and it'shurting me and the people around
me.
The key is letting go of theillusion of control.
Addiction can make you feellike you're in charge, even when
it's clearly running the show.
Step one isn't about weakness,it's about strength.
It takes courage to admit thatyou need help and to face the
(05:26):
reality of the situation.
By doing so, you're opening thedoor to change and setting the
foundation for all the stepsthat follow.
It's like saying I'm ready tostop fighting this alone, and
that's a powerful first step.
Step two believe that a powergreater than ourselves can
restore us to sanity.
The theme is hope and opennessto change.
(05:47):
Step two is about finding hopeand opening yourself up to the
idea that you don't have to dothis alone.
It's recognizing that somethingbigger whether it's a higher
power, a recovery community orthe 12 steps can help you get
back on track.
Steps can help you get back ontrack.
It's not about religion, unlessthat's your thing, but
(06:09):
believing that change ispossible and that you're not
stuck forever.
Think of it like asking fordirections when you're lost.
Step two is admitting that youneed guidance, whether that's
spiritual, the wisdom of asponsor or the support of a
group.
For someone struggling withgambling, for example, it might
mean realizing that quittingalone isn't working and being
open to help.
It's about trusting that thingscan get better and taking the
(06:31):
first step towards peace andstability.
This willingness to believe inchange is the spark that leads
to healing.
Step three make a decision toturn our will and lives over to
the care of this higher power.
As we understand it, the themeis trust and letting go of
control.
Step three is about trust andletting go of the need to
(06:52):
control everything.
It's deciding to hand over thereins to something bigger than
yourself, whether that's ahigher power, the recovery
process or simply the idea thatyou don't have all the answers.
It's saying I've been trying todo this my way and it's not
working.
I need help.
This step isn't about giving upresponsibility.
It's about trusting the processand allowing guidance from
(07:14):
something beyond your ownwillpower.
For example, someone strugglingwith substance abuse might
realize their promises to drinkless or to stop tomorrow keep
falling apart.
Step three is their moment thatthey say I don't have to figure
this out alone.
It's not about instant peace orperfection.
It's about being open tosomething new and letting
(07:34):
yourself be supported.
That willingness is thefoundation for real change.
Steps four to nine demonstrateaccountability, which is a big
theme in the middle steps.
This is where you take a good,honest look at yourself, your
behaviors and the impact thatyou've had on others.
You'll also make a list ofpeople that you've hurt and,
(07:55):
when it's appropriate, you'regoing to take steps to make
amends.
It's not about beating yourselfup.
It's about owning your actionsand working to heal
relationships, including the onethat you have with yourself.
Step four make a searching andfearless moral inventory of
ourselves.
The theme is self-reflectionand honesty.
Step four is about getting realwith yourself, taking an honest
(08:18):
look at your actions, patternsand the things holding you back.
It's not about beating yourselfup, but shining a light on what
you've been avoiding so thatyou can let go of it and move
forward.
Think of it like cleaning out acluttered closet you sort
through the good, the bad andthe unnecessary, keeping your
strengths and tossing outresentments, fear or harmful
(08:39):
behaviors.
You might realize that anger orfear, failure have been driving
unhealthy choices.
Writing it all down can helpyou see things clearly and to
start making changes.
It's a powerful step because itlays the foundation for healing
and growth.
It's not easy, but by beinghonest with yourself, you're
setting the stage for lastingchange.
(09:01):
I clearly remember doing stepfour.
It was tough and I cried mostdays when I was working through
it.
It was hard to relive all thehurt that I had gone through and
the feelings of shame for allthe wrong things I had done.
It was a process trying tofigure out why I did some of the
things I did, what drove me todo it, when someone hurt me, why
(09:21):
did they do it and how did itaffect my behavior in the future
.
It was challenging, but it wasalso very freeing.
Step five admit to ourselves, toa higher power and to another
person the exact nature of ourwrongs.
The theme here is vulnerabilityand honesty with others.
Step five is about opening upand being vulnerable, not just
(09:43):
with yourself, but with someonethat you trust and, if it fits,
a higher power.
After the deep self-reflectionin step four, this step takes it
further by sharing your truthsout loud.
It can feel uncomfortable, butit's incredibly freeing.
It's like lifting the weightthat you've been carrying on
your back for years Secrets andshame.
(10:03):
They lose their power whenthey're brought into the open.
Admitting to a sponsor or atrusted friend that your
addictions led to lying orneglecting responsibilities
might feel scary at first, butmost of the time you'll find
support, not judgment, andthat's a powerful step towards
healing.
Step five isn't about beingperfect.
It's about breaking theisolation and letting someone
(10:26):
else in.
It's hard, but it's also a hugestep towards letting go of
shame and moving forward withhonesty and courage.
Step six become entirely readyto have our defects of character
removed.
The theme here is willingnessto change.
Step six is about being trulyready for change not just saying
it, but being open to lettinggo of the habits and attitudes
(10:49):
holding you back.
It's about saying I'm ready togrow and move forward, even if
you don't know exactly how yet.
Think of it like cleaning out agarden.
You've identified the weeds,the flaws, fears or bad habits,
and now you're ready to pullthem out and make space for
better things to grow.
Maybe you've realized anger orblame has been holding you back.
(11:10):
Step six isn't about becomingperfect overnight.
It's about willing to let goand trust the process.
This step is going to takepatience and humility.
It's about acknowledging thatyou can't do it all on your own
and being open to guidance froma higher power, a sponsor or the
recovery process.
That willingness is the firststep towards real growth and a
(11:32):
healthier future.
Hey there, I'm taking a quickbreak to share something that I
think you'll love.
I love to read, but, if I'mbeing honest, I love audiobooks
even more, and since I often getasked for book recommendations
on codependency and recovery, Idecided to put together an
easy-to-read PDF with some of mytop picks.
(11:52):
You can grab the reading listby clicking on the link in the
show notes.
Plus, when you sign up, you'llalso get my newsletter, which is
packed with valuable resourcesfor your recovery journey.
If you're not into the readinglist but you still want the
newsletter, then there's noproblem.
There's a link for that too.
I hope you find some greatreads in there.
Now let's get back to theepisode.
(12:14):
Step seven humbly ask a higherpower to remove these
shortcomings.
The theme is humility andseeking growth.
Step seven is about humilityand asking for help to grow.
It's recognizing that you can'tfix everything on your own and
being open to guidance, whetherfrom a higher power, the
recovery process or your supportnetwork.
(12:35):
It's not about weakness.
It's about trusting that truegrowth often requires support.
In step six, you became readyto let go of harmful habits and
now, in step seven you takeaction by asking for the
strength to change.
Maybe pride or fear has beenholding you back.
This step is about asking forcourage to move past those
(12:55):
barriers.
The key is humility,acknowledging that you're human
and willing to accept help tobecome your best self.
It's about doing your part andtrusting the process to guide
you towards real change.
Step eight make a list of allpersons we have harmed and
become willing to make amends.
The theme is responsibility andpreparation for repair.
(13:17):
Step eight is about takingresponsibility for the harm
you've caused, not beatingyourself up.
It's about making a list ofpeople that you've hurt and
being willing to make thingsright when the time comes.
This step is a relationshipinventory where you reflect on
how your actions, like lying,neglecting friendships or
lashing out, have impacted otherpeople.
(13:38):
For example, you might list afriend who lost trust in you
because of a broken promise, ora family member hurt by your
anger.
The focus is on your part ofthe situation and not blaming
others or telling them what theydid wrong.
This step helps you see theripple effects of your actions
and prepares you for healing,not just for the people that
you've hurt, but also foryourself too.
(14:00):
You're not making amends yet.
That's step nine.
For now, it's aboutacknowledging the harm and being
willing to take responsibility.
It's a powerful step towardsrebuilding trust and moving from
regret to accountability.
The theme here is action andreconciliation.
(14:24):
Step 9 is about putting Step 8into action by making amends to
those that you've hurt.
It's more than saying I'm sorry.
It's about takingresponsibility and showing
through your actions that you'recommitted to change.
In some cases, making amendsmight mean paying back money
that you owe, apologizingsincerely to someone or
(14:46):
rebuilding trust by beingreliable, but not all situations
allow for direct amends.
If reaching out would harmsomeone further, you can find
other ways to make peace, likewriting an unsent letter or
doing something positive intheir honor.
The focus is on repairingdamage while respecting others'
well-being, even if forgivenessdoesn't come.
(15:07):
Taking this step is freeing anda powerful way to rebuild trust
, repair relationships and moveforward with integrity.
When I got divorced, myfather-in-law really struggled
with my decision to leave hisson.
He was deeply hurt and itshowed in ways that I hadn't
expected.
One day, when we saw each otherand I said hello, he wouldn't
(15:28):
reply.
He just looked right past me.
I felt like I no longer existedto him and it was really
painful.
We're all human and sometimeswe act in ways that we're not
proud of.
He was a regular attendee of AAand was sober for over 40 years
.
A few years after ourseparation he was working
through his steps again, as hedid every couple of years, and
(15:51):
while he was on step nine hesent me a letter acknowledging
the shame that he felt about hisbehavior that day and how
hurtful his behavior must havebeen for me.
The relief when I read thisletter was palpable.
I was able to exhale again.
That letter didn't just free me.
It freed both of us from thepain that we'd been carrying
with us.
(16:11):
Admitting our mistakes is nevereasy.
It's likely one of the hardestthings that you're ever going to
do, but it can have a profoundimpact on everyone involved.
Because of that letter, we wereable to heal and become friends
again.
My father-in-law has sincepassed away, but he left behind
a legacy of healing andredemption.
He wrote a book called Takingthe Trip of a Lifetime A Journey
(16:35):
Through the 12 Steps, byAnonymous Alcoholic.
You can find it on Amazon andit's a worthwhile read if you're
looking for guidance andrecovery or making amends.
Steps 10 to 12 focus onspiritual growth, though it's
important to note that 12-stepprograms aren't tied to any
specific religion.
The idea is to connect withsomeone greater than yourself,
(16:56):
whether that's a higher power,the universe, or even just the
collective strength of yourrecovery group.
This helps you find perspective, purpose and some strength as
you move forward.
Step 10, continue to takepersonal inventory and promptly
admit when we are wrong.
The theme here is ongoingself-awareness and
accountability.
Step 10 is like maintenance foryour recovery.
(17:19):
You've done a lot of work toget to this point and this step
is about keeping that progressgoing by staying self-aware and
accountable.
It's a daily practice ofchecking in with yourself,
recognizing when you've messedup and making it right quickly
before things spiral.
Think of it like tidying upyour house Instead of letting
things pile up until it'soverwhelming.
(17:39):
You deal with the issues asthey come.
For example, if you snap at aco-worker because you're
stressed, step 10 meansadmitting it and apologizing
right away instead of brushingit off or letting it fester.
Or maybe you notice yourselfslipping back into old habits
like avoiding responsibilitiesor holding on to resentment.
Step 10 is your reminder topause, reflect and get back on
(18:01):
track.
This step isn't about beingperfect.
It's about progress.
Life happens and mistakes areinevitable, but step 10 helps
you deal with them in a healthy,honest way.
By staying aware of youractions and making amends when
needed, you're not onlymaintaining your recovery, but
also continuing to grow andstrengthen your relationships.
It's like a daily reset buttonthat keeps you moving forward.
(18:25):
Step 11, seek, through prayerand meditation, to improve our
connection with a higher power,seeking knowledge of their will
for us and the power to carry itout.
The theme is spiritual growthand mindfulness with your higher
(18:50):
power or whatever gives you asense of purpose and guidance
through practices like prayer,meditation or quiet reflection.
The idea here isn't aboutreligion, unless that resonates
with you.
It's about taking time tolisten, reflect and seek clarity
in your life.
Think of it as hitting thepause button during your busy
day to check in with yourselfand whatever gives you strength.
For example, you might spend afew minutes in the morning
(19:11):
meditating, asking for guidance,or just sitting quietly and
reflecting on your intentionsfor the day, or maybe you pray,
journal or even take a mindfulwalk outside.
The practice doesn't have tolook a certain way.
It just needs to help you feelconnected and focused.
Step 12.
Carry this message to othersand practice these principles in
(19:32):
all areas of your life.
The theme is service, givingback and living.
The program Step 12 is aboutpaying it forward.
You've worked hard to get whereyou are, and this step is about
sharing what you've learned tohelp others.
It's not just about talking thetalk.
It's about walking the walk andpracticing what you've learned
(19:52):
in all areas of your life.
For example, you might mentorsomeone who's just starting the
recovery journey or sharing yourstory to give them hope and
guidance.
Or maybe you volunteer in yourcommunity and you show up
consistently for your family, orsimply live in a way that
reflects the principles ofhonesty, accountability and
compassion that you've embraced.
One of the biggest reasons12-step programs work is the
(20:14):
power of shared experiences.
There's something incrediblycomforting about sitting in a
room or even a virtual meetingwith people who truly get it.
Everyone there has faced theirown struggles with addictions
and similar challenges, so youdon't have to explain yourself
or feel like you're being judged.
When someone shares their story, you might think, wow, that's
(20:34):
exactly how I feel, and thatconnection can be so healing.
It's a reminder that you're notalone and that recovery is
possible because you'resurrounded by people living it.
Another reason 12-step programsare effective is their structure
.
The 12 steps provide a clearand practical roadmap for growth
.
It's not just about stoppingthe addiction.
(20:54):
It's about understanding why ithappened and repairing the
damage that it caused.
It also helps build a healthierversion of yourself.
Each step builds on the last,so you're never left wondering
what do I do next?
The structure can be alifesaver when everything else
feels chaotic.
And then there's the communityitself.
12-step programs are all aboutcreating a supportive,
(21:17):
non-judgmental environment.
No one's there to criticize orshame you.
They're there to help you.
Whether you're sharing asuccess or a setback, you're met
with understanding andencouragement.
That kind of support can makeall the difference, especially
when you're navigating the upsand downs of recovery.
At the heart of it, the 12-stepprograms work because they
(21:37):
combine connection, structureand support in a way that meets
people where they are.
They remind you that recoveryis a journey that you don't have
to take alone, and that kind ofhope and guidance can be
incredibly powerful.
There's a lot of myths andmisconceptions out there about
12-step programs, and they canmake people a little hesitant to
(21:58):
give them a try.
The most common misconceptionis likely that you need to be
religious to participate.
You don't.
While the steps mention ahigher power, the program is
about spirituality, not religion.
Your higher power can beanything that gives you strength
, whether that's the universe,nature, god, the group itself,
the idea of hope or some magicalcreature that you made up.
(22:19):
It's not about following aspecific faith, but finding
something greater than yourselfto help guide your recovery.
Many people personalize thisaspect in a way that works for
them, so don't let the word Godin the steps scare you off.
Another misconception is thatthe steps are rigid and
judgmental.
The steps are meant to be aguide, not a strict rule book.
(22:41):
They're flexible enough to meetpeople where they are and no
one's grading you on how wellyou're doing with them.
Recovery is personal andeveryone's journey looks
different.
The group isn't there to judgeyou.
They're there to support you,whether you move through the
steps really quickly or takeyour time.
The focus is on progress, notperfection.
(23:01):
This was the name of mycodependency 12-step group.
It was progress, not perfection, which is so fitting.
The last misconception I wantedto discuss is that 12-step
programs are only for peoplewith substance addictions.
This is a big one.
While Alcoholics Anonymousstarted the 12-step model.
It's been adapted for all kindsof struggles, including
(23:22):
behavioral addictions likeOvereaters Anonymous, gamblers
Anonymous and CodependentsAnonymous, also called CODA.
If something in your life feelsout of control and is
negatively impacting you,there's probably a 12-step group
for it.
The program's principles likeself-awareness, accountability
and community support apply to awide range of challenges, not
(23:43):
just substance use.
At the end of the day, 12-stepprograms are all about offering
support, hope and tools forchange, without judgment or
one-size-fits-all rules.
They're open to anyone who'sready to make a change and
willing to take the first step.
But let's be real 12-stepprograms aren't for everyone,
and that's okay.
Some people don't connect withthe approach and there are a few
(24:05):
common reasons why.
One big reason is the focus onspirituality, and there are a
few common reasons why One bigreason is the focus on
spirituality, even though it'snot about religion.
The idea of a higher power canfeel uncomfortable and
off-putting for some people.
If you're someone who doesn'tvibe with that concept, it might
make the program feel like it'snot a good fit for you.
Others might find the structureor the steps too rigid.
While the program is flexiblein practice, some people feel
(24:28):
like the steps have a certaintone or approach that doesn't
resonate with them, especiallyif they prefer a more
individualized or science-basedrecovery method.
There's also the focus on groupdynamics.
Some people thrive in theshared experience of meetings,
but others might feel that thegroup setting is overwhelming
and would prefer a more privateway to work through the recovery
.
And let's face it, not everyonelikes sharing their feelings in
(24:50):
front of a room full of people.
If the 12-step approach doesn'tfeel right for you, there are
plenty of alternatives toexplore.
Next week, we're diving into theworld of alternative recovery
programs.
There are so many other pathsto healing.
We'll explore programs likeSMART Recovery, which focuses on
self-empowerment andscience-based tools, and Refuge
(25:15):
Recovery, which blendsmindfulness with Buddhist
principles.
We'll also touch on the role oftherapy, whether one-on-one or
group-based, and how it canoffer a more personalized
approach to recovery.
At the end of the day, recoveryisn't one-size-fits-all.
What matters is finding a goodmethod that resonates with you
and gives you the tools andsupport that you need to heal.
Whether it's a 12-step programor another approach, the goal is
(25:36):
the same building a healthier,happier life.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I will meet you here next weekfor another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'll beexploring alternative recovery
programs.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
(25:59):
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
(26:20):
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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