May 5, 2025 • 27 mins
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the painful experience of the silent treatment—what it is, why people use it, and how it can deeply affect relationships. I share my own experiences with the silent treatment and highlight how it can trigger feelings of confusion, shame, and anxiety, especially for those who have grown up in environments where silence was used as a form of punishment.
We explore the underlying reasons why individuals resort to the silent treatment, including a desire for control, emotional immaturity, and learned behaviors from childhood. I emphasize that this form of emotional withdrawal is not just hurtful in the moment but can leave lasting scars, eroding trust and emotional intimacy in relationships.
I also discuss the difference between healthy communication and the silent treatment, stressing the importance of expressing feelings rather than withdrawing. For those who find themselves on the receiving end, I encourage listeners to recognize their worth and set boundaries, while also considering the patterns they are willing to accept in their relationships.
As we wrap up, I offer reflection exercises to help listeners examine their own communication styles and conflict resolution strategies. Remember, it's about growth and learning healthier ways to handle conflict without resorting to silence as a weapon. Join me next week as we tackle the topic of love bombing and what to watch out for in relationships. Thank you for being part of this journey towards healthier connections!
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If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know that feeling when someone just stops talking
to you and you have no idea why.
One minute everything seemsfine and the next minute,
silence.
They won't respond to your text, they ignore you.
When you walk into the room andyou're left running through
every conversation in your headwondering what did I do wrong?
It's confusing, it's hurtfuland it can trigger this deep
(00:23):
panic, especially if you grew uparound people who use silence
as a way to punish or controlyou.
Today we're talking about thesilent treatment, what it is,
why people use it, how itaffects relationships and how to
handle it in a way thatprotects your peace and supports
healthier communication.
Because the truth is the silenttreatment isn't just cooling
(00:45):
off.
It's emotional withdrawal andit can leave lasting scars if it
becomes a pattern.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(01:06):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Here we go.
(01:27):
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the Codependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today I am feeling supergrateful for you, my dearest
listeners, the people who havestuck with me through all my
podcast learning challenges andstill show up week to week to
(01:50):
listen.
I'm so glad to have you on myteam and on my journey.
And if you're listening for thefirst time, or if someone has
sent you this episode and saidyou need to listen to this,
welcome to you as well.
I'm glad to have you here aswell.
Welcome to you as well.
I'm glad to have you here aswell.
(02:10):
After last week's episode, Iasked you what you were grateful
for and you delivered.
Thank you for all your replies.
It was fun and uplifting toread.
I'm going to pick a few everycouple of weeks because I think
that we all need to hear thegood stuff.
The first one is an email I gotfrom Beverly who said I'm
grateful for my daughter Barb,who lets me live with her and
she takes care of me.
She brings me to my doctor'sappointments and makes sure that
(02:32):
I get all my medication.
That's so great, beverly, andI'm glad that you've got great
supports at home.
I also got a DM from Piperwho's grateful for spring
weather, where she finally getsto sit on the deck absorbing the
sun and to watch the birds andthe squirrels play.
I love hearing this kind ofstuff, and focusing on what
(02:53):
you're grateful for really helpsyou to notice what you already
have, instead of only seeingwhat's wrong or chasing things
that you might not ever get.
So keep them coming.
You can email me atcodependentdoctor at gmailcom.
You'll find my email address inthe show notes.
This next episode is going tohurt a little bit, so I'm kind
(03:13):
of glad that we started on thispositive note.
Have you ever gotten the silenttreatment?
It sucks, it seriously.
Seriously is the worst.
It causes so much confusion,hurt, and it can bring up all
kinds of shame.
You don't know what you didwrong, no one's telling you, so
your brain just jumps straightinto the worst case scenarios it
(03:36):
must be my fault, I must havemessed up, maybe they don't care
about me anymore.
And the longer the silencestretches, the heavier it feels.
And instead of fixing thesituation, the silent treatment
creates even more distance,anxiety and fear.
So today we're going to talk alittle bit about why people use
the silent treatment and howdamaging it can be, even if it's
(03:59):
unintentional, and how you canstart handling it in a healthier
and more empowering way,whether you tend to give it or
receive it.
At its core, the silenttreatment is when someone
intentionally refuses tocommunicate with you, not
because they're taking a healthycool-down period, but as a way
to punish or control or withdrawfrom you.
(04:21):
It's not saying I need a minuteto breathe so I don't say
anything that I regret.
It's saying I'm going to shutyou out so you know that you've
upset me, and I'm not going totell you why or how.
The silent treatment is a formof emotional withdrawal torture
really and, whether peoplerealize it or not, it's meant to
(04:41):
make the other person feeluncomfortable, guilty or
desperate to make things right,even when they don't know what
they did wrong.
It creates this power imbalancewhere one person holds all the
cards.
You don't get my attention, myaffection or even my words until
you earn it back.
Is what it's saying.
And, just to be super clear,taking a healthy break during an
(05:04):
argument is not the same thing.
There's a huge differencebetween saying hey, love, I'm
feeling a little overwhelmed andneed some time to cool off.
But I care about you and I wantto come back to this.
Can you give me 30 minutes orso?
Versus silently cutting someoneoff without any explanation,
leaving them anxious, guessingand scrambling to fix things
(05:25):
that they don't even understand.
The silent treatment isn't abouthealthy space.
It's about using silence as aweapon.
I've been on the receiving endof the silent treatment several
times in my life, and usuallyalways from the same person, and
I have to say it's such a cruelthing to do to someone.
It's not just awkward oruncomfortable, it leaves real
(05:48):
scars that can last a long time,sometimes for years, because
the silent treatment doesn'tjust hurt in that moment, it's
going to plant seeds of doubtand fear that stick around for a
long time and it makes yousecond guess yourself constantly
.
What did I do wrong?
Am I even worth talking to?
And even if the relationshipmoves forward after the silence
(06:12):
breaks, a part of you strugglesto fully trust that person again
, because deep down you knowthat at any moment, if something
goes wrong, they might justshut you out again and leave you
in the dark.
The truth is the silenttreatment is a form of
manipulation, whether it's doneconsciously or not.
It's about punishing someonewithout having to say the hard
(06:35):
things out loud.
I want to shed some light on whypeople use the silent treatment
.
Understanding it doesn't excuseit, but it's going to give us
some insight.
And maybe it's going to give ussome insight and maybe it's
going to help us responddifferently instead of just
getting stuck in the pain.
One big reason people use thesilent treatment is a way to
regain power or control.
When someone feels hurt orrejected or powerless, they
(06:59):
might turn to silence as a wayto even the playing field a
little.
It's going to flip the script.
Instead of saying, hey, whatyou did hurt me, they just shut
you out and they make you feelpowerless and desperate.
Instead, it's going to shiftall of that emotional weight
onto you and, whether theyrealize it or not, that silence
(07:20):
becomes a form of control.
I'll talk to you when I decidethat you've earned it.
I'll reconnect with you when itfeels safe or satisfying for me
.
It creates this dynamic whereyou're left scrambling to fix
something, even when you don'tknow what you're fixing.
Another reason people use thesilent treatment is emotional
immaturity or a fear of conflict.
(07:41):
Some people literally don'tknow how to handle their anger,
their sadness or theirdisappointments in a healthy or
a direct way.
They don't have those tools, ormaybe they're too scared to
have those hard conversationsthat are needed in relationships
.
Conflict can feel reallyoverwhelming or terrifying, so
instead of risking vulnerability, they retreat into silence.
(08:04):
It feels safer to shut down andto wall off than to say I'm mad
, I'm sad or I need somethingdifferent from you.
But silence doesn't actuallymake the conflict go away.
It just festers underneath andmakes the relationship weaker.
And for a lot of people thesilent treatment is a learned
behavior, something they pickedup early on, often even without
(08:27):
realizing it.
Maybe growing up, love waswithheld when someone was mad.
Maybe in their house nobodytalked about hard feelings.
If you upset someone, they justiced you out.
No discussion, no repair, justcold, painful distance.
So when they feel hurt, asadults they repeat what they
know If I'm mad, I disappear.
(08:49):
If I'm hurt, I withholdaffection.
That's just how it works.
It's what feels familiar tothem, even if it's toxic.
And underneath all of thesepatterns, the need for control,
the fear of conflict, thelearned shutdown, is often this
simple truth.
Most people who use the silenttreatment don't know how to
(09:10):
express anger, sadness or hurtin healthy ways.
They weren't taught to havethis safe, honest, emotionally
mature conversation, so insteadthey reach for the only tool
that they know, even though itcauses way more harm than good.
I want to explore what it'sactually like to be on the
receiving end of the silenttreatment, because if you've
(09:32):
ever been through it, you knowthat it's brutal.
First, there's thisoverwhelming feeling of being
invisible.
It's like one minute you're aperson and the next minute, poof
, you don't even exist to themanymore.
You could walk into a room,text them, call them, and it's
like your air.
That feeling of being seen onemoment and ignored the next, can
(09:57):
mess with your entire sense ofself-worth.
It sends this really painfulmessage You're not important
enough for me to evenacknowledge at the moment.
And even if they don't say thosewords out, loud silence can
scream just as loudly asshouting sometimes.
Loud silence can scream just asloudly as shouting sometimes.
And there's the confusion andrejection, the anxiety that
(10:18):
builds when you have no ideawhat you did wrong.
You replay every conversationin your head, you try to decode
their last text.
You wonder if you missed asignal, said the wrong thing,
didn't notice something, or youmay have said something that may
have been misinterpreted bythem, and because you don't have
any information, your brain,being the brilliant problem
(10:39):
solver that it is, startsfilling in the blanks, and
almost always, with the worstcase scenarios, I must have done
something awful.
Maybe they hate me now, maybeI'm a terrible person, maybe I
don't even deserve to be loved.
And if you have any abandonmentwounds especially for those who
may have grown up aroundunpredictable caregivers or
(10:59):
unstable emotional environmentsthe silent treatment doesn't
just hurt in the moment.
It hits that old, deep fear I'mgoing to be left, I'm going to
be forgotten.
If I make one mistake, peopleare just going to disappear on
me.
It reactivates those childhoodsurvival instincts that tell you
that it's your job to fix this,your job to be perfect, your
(11:26):
job to win their affection backat any cost.
And so you might find yourselfapologizing for things that you
didn't even do, bending overbackwards or shrinking yourself
down smaller and smaller, justto try to get that connection
back.
But if there's one thing I wantyou to take away from today,
it's this the silent treatmentisn't your fault.
It's a reflection of how theother person handles their own
(11:46):
emotions.
It's not a reflection of you oryour worth.
Being on the receiving end ofsilence is painful because it
taps right into the human needfor connection, for belonging,
for feeling seen.
And when that connection isripped away without any
explanation, it doesn't justhurt your feelings, it shakes
(12:07):
your very foundation of feelingsafe and valued.
The silent treatment isactually so harmful, not just
for the person receiving it, butfor both sides of the
relationship.
It's going to erode trust andsafety and emotional intimacy.
In a healthy relationship,whether it's with a partner, a
friend or even a family member,you need to feel safe.
(12:29):
You need to be able to mess upsometimes.
You need to know that conflicthappens and it's not going to
cost you the relationship.
But when someone uses silenceas a weapon, it sends the
message you're only safe with mewhen you're perfect or being
who I want you to be, and thatstarts to chip away at the very
foundation of emotional intimacy.
(12:50):
You can't build closeness withsomeone that you're secretly
afraid is going to shun youwhenever they're upset.
Second, the silent treatmentteaches people to fear conflict
instead of work through it,instead of learning.
We can disagree and still loveeach other, or we can be hurt
and still stay connected.
(13:10):
The silent treatment teaches usthat conflict is dangerous.
If you upset someone, they'regoing to disappear and over time
that fear can make peoplesuppress their feelings.
They're going to walk oneggshells and avoid honest
conversations altogether, justto avoid being punished with
silence.
And the silent treatmentdoesn't actually solve anything.
(13:31):
It might make one person feelpowerful or in control
temporarily, but it doesn't leadto any kind of resolution.
The hurt doesn't get processed,the misunderstanding doesn't
get resolved.
Instead, the hurt just sitsthere completely unspoken,
building resentment, deepeningmistrust and making the next
conflict even harder to navigate.
(13:53):
It's like putting a band-aidover a broken bone.
It's not going to do anything.
The real injury is still thereand now it's festering
underneath.
And the last way that silenttreatment can be harmful is that
it can really escalatecodependent patterns, especially
in people who already strugglewith self-blame and
over-responsibility.
If you grew up feeling like itwas your job to fix things, to
(14:15):
keep the peace, to make everyonehappy, then being on the
receiving end of the silenttreatment can trigger deep
survival instinct toover-apologize, over-explain,
over-give, just to win thatconnection back.
You start believing that youhave to work to earn someone's
words, affection or attentionback, and that can trap you in a
cycle where you're constantlychasing emotional crumbs just to
(14:38):
feel okay.
So I want to make a reallyimportant distinction here,
because not all silence is bad,and this is something that often
gets misunderstood.
There's a big difference betweena healthy cooling off period
and the silent treatment, andknowing that difference can
change the way that you thinkabout conflict and how you
(14:58):
handle it.
First, taking space can beincredibly healthy if it's
communicated with care andrespect.
When emotions are running highand you're worried, you might
say something that you regret.
Stepping away for a littlewhile is actually a really smart
move.
It gives both people a chanceto calm down a little, gather
their thoughts and come back tothe conversation from a more
(15:21):
grounded place.
The key here is communication.
A healthy cooling off periodsounds something like hey, I'm
feeling overwhelmed right now.
I need a little time to calmdown, but I care about you and I
want us to work through this.
Or I'm not in the rightheadspace to talk about this
right now, but I do want to talkthis through.
(15:42):
Let's come back to it whenwe're both ready.
Even just a sentence or twolike that makes all the
difference.
It says I'm going to step back,but I'm not abandoning you.
It keeps the connection intact,even while creating some
breathing room.
Then you go and you take sometime to think about it and you
come back to it, whether that'safter 10 minutes, an hour or the
(16:03):
next day, as long as it's beencommunicated that you will come
back.
Now the silent treatment is awhole different story.
The silent treatment isn'tabout calming down.
It's about punishing.
It's about making the otherperson feel isolated, confused
and anxious, and doing it onpurpose or at least without care
of how much it hurts that otherperson feel isolated, confused
and anxious, and doing it onpurpose or at least without care
of how much it hurts that otherperson.
(16:23):
When someone gives you thesilent treatment, they don't say
I need time, but I'm comingback.
They just disappear, shuttingyou out completely, and you're
left guessing.
Are they done with me?
Did I cross some invisible line?
Am I supposed to fix thissomehow, even though I don't
know what I did?
It's silence as a weaponinstead of silence as a tool for
(16:46):
healing, and the damage itcauses is real.
It chips away at trust, itcreates insecurity in your
relationship and it makesconflict feel unsafe.
Not because disagreement isscary, but because abandonment
feels like it's always justaround the corner.
Now I want to take a second totalk to anyone who might be
(17:07):
realizing oh my gosh, thissounds just like me.
I give the silent treatment.
First of all, it's okay, take abreath.
This isn't about beatingyourself up, and it doesn't mean
that you're a bad person.
It usually means that you'vebeen using a defense mechanism,
one that maybe you didn't evenrealize you were using.
A lot of us were never taughthealthy ways to handle conflict,
(17:30):
anger or hurt feelings.
So we shut down, we pull away,not because we're trying to be
cruel, but because it feelssafer than saying something
messy, emotional or vulnerable.
And here's something reallyworth exploring.
If you notice yourself doing it, what's the feeling underneath
that silence?
Because usually it's not aboutwanting to hurt the other person
(17:52):
, it's about protecting yourself.
It could be fear, maybe thefear of saying the wrong thing
and making it worse.
It could be feeling completelyoverwhelmed and not knowing how
to express what's happeninginside you.
It could even be a leftoversurvival skill from childhood,
where you learned that, whenthings got tense, silence would
keep you safe.
Understanding what's underneaththe shutdown is so important
(18:16):
because when you know why you'redoing something, you can start
to choose differently.
And that brings us to the goodnews.
There are healthier alternativesto the silent treatment.
You can still take space whenyou need it, but you can do it
in a way that keeps connectionand safety intact, instead of
shutting down completely.
You could say something likeI'm upset right now and I need a
(18:37):
little time to gather mythoughts, but I want to come
back to this and work on it withyou.
Or I'm feeling too angry tohave a calm conversation right
now, but I care about you and Iwant to work on this.
I just need a little bit ofspace first.
You see the difference.
You're still honoring your ownemotions, you're still creating
space that you need, but you'reletting the other person know
(18:58):
you're not being abandoned.
I'm not punishing you.
I just need a moment to be ableto show up better.
It's a small shift, but it's areally powerful one, and the
more you practice it, the moreyou realize you can have big
feelings and healthycommunication.
You can protect your peacewithout punishing the people
that you care about.
(19:18):
And if you're the person who'son the receiving end, I feel
your pain.
Being on the receiving end ofsilence is really hard.
It's confusing and hurtful andit can really mess with your
head if you're not careful.
This is so important for you tohear.
You don't deserve to be ignored.
No matter what happened, nomatter what disagreement took
(19:40):
place, you didn't deserve to befrozen out, punished or made to
feel invisible.
A healthy conflict involvestalking, understanding, maybe
even arguing a little, but itdoesn't involve pretending that
someone doesn't exist.
That's not love, that's notrespect, and it's really
important for you to know thatthat's not respect.
(20:03):
And it's really important foryou to know that.
Second, don't beg, don't chaseor over-apologize just to get
the other person to break theirsilence.
I know it's tempting and I'vedone it time and time again.
When you're anxious and hurtingyour survival brain is going to
kick in.
Maybe if I just say sorry onemore time, maybe if I just
explain a little better, maybeif I just try harder, then
they're going to talk to me.
(20:24):
But chasing someone who'spunishing you doesn't actually
rebuild trust.
It teaches them that it's okayto shut down and that you'll do
all the emotional labor to fixit, and that's not a pattern
that you want to keepreinforcing for their sake or
yours.
So instead, focus on your ownboundaries.
You can be open to reconnectingwithout sacrificing your
(20:46):
dignity.
You can say something like I'mopen to talking whenever you're
ready to communicaterespectfully, but I'm not okay
with being ignored.
That way, you leave the dooropen without chasing, begging or
abandoning yourself in theprocess.
You protect your heart and yourself-respect at the same time.
Also, it's really important toconsider what patterns you're
(21:07):
willing to accept long-term inyour relationships.
If someone keeps using silenceas a weapon and they're not
willing to acknowledge or workon it, you have a choice to make
.
You get to ask yourself is thisthe kind of relationship that I
want to keep investing in?
Can I thrive in a connectionwhere I'm walking on eggshells
or always afraid of being shutout?
(21:28):
And if the answer is no, that'snot weakness, it's wisdom and
you can do something with that.
Maybe this is something thatyou both can work on and heal
from.
Let's talk about what healingactually looks like if you're
stuck in a silent treatmentdance with someone that you care
about, whether you're the onewho tends to shut down or the
one who tends to be on thereceiving end.
(21:49):
First, both people have to bewilling to acknowledge the hurt,
and this is so important.
You can't just sweep it underthe rug and pretend that it
didn't happen.
You can't hit the reset buttonby acting like everything's fine
when, deep down, things stillfeel raw and unresolved.
If you skip over the hurt,you're going to build resentment
instead of repair.
(22:09):
So there has to be a realvulnerable moment of
acknowledgement, something likeI realized that when I shut down
, I made you feel abandoned.
I realized that when I shutdown, I made you feel abandoned.
Or when you stopped talking tome, I felt hurt and confused and
I didn't know how to reach you.
That kind of honesty lays thegroundwork for actual healing,
(22:30):
not just surface level peace.
The next piece is to build newagreements on how you're
planning to handle conflictdifferently in the future,
because conflict is going tohappen.
That's just part of being humanand part of being close to
people.
The goal isn't to eliminate allarguments.
The goal here is to fight fairand to love through the hard
(22:52):
moments and stay connected evenwhen things get messy.
One really powerful agreementyou can make is this If either
of us need space, we're going tocommunicate that instead of
hitting the silence button.
That little sentence can take asituation that could have
turned into days of silence andhurt and instead keep it
grounded in love and respect.
(23:13):
Another important agreement isto use words to express feelings
, not withdrawal.
Even if it's clumsy, it'sprobably going to feel a little
bit uncomfortable at first, buteven if all you say is I'm
feeling really overwhelmed andI'm not sure what to say yet,
that's still communication andit still keeps the relationship
(23:33):
alive.
And listen these changes,they're going to take time.
If the silent treatment has beena pattern for years, it's not
going to go away overnight.
But every time you choosehonest words over silence, every
time you create a safe spacefor cooling off instead of
freezing someone out, you'rebuilding a healthier, stronger,
(23:54):
more real connection, and that'swhat real repair looks like.
So, as we wrap up today'sepisode, I just want to leave
you with a little encouragementIf you recognize yourself
anywhere in what we talked abouttoday, whether you've given the
silent treatment, received itor gotten stuck somewhere in
those patterns.
Please hear me when I say thisit's not about shame, it's not
(24:17):
about blaming yourself orlabeling yourself as toxic or
broken.
It's about learning.
It's about noticing oldsurvival habits that maybe used
to protect you and now realizingthat they don't serve you
anymore, and that's growth.
You can learn new ways tohandle conflict, you can learn
how to communicate even whenit's messy, and you can protect
(24:38):
your peace without punishing thepeople that you love and
without abandoning yourself.
It all starts with awareness,and if you're here listening and
thinking about this stuff,you're already on your way.
You're doing the work andthat's something to be proud of.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday and remember you're always
allowed to choose healthier,kinder ways to show up for
(25:01):
yourself and the people that youcare about.
Here are some reflectionexercises for the week if you'd
like to do some journal work.
How did conflict andcommunication look like in the
home that I grew up in?
When I feel hurt or overwhelmed, do I normally react and what
would a healthy response looklike?
Have I ever felt like I had tochase someone's attention or
(25:22):
approval after conflict, and howdid that feel?
If you have a moment, I'dreally appreciate it if you
could subscribe to the podcastand maybe send this episode link
to someone who's often on thereceiving end of silent
treatment.
I think they need to hear this.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
(25:42):
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
When I'm going to be talkingabout love bombing, when too
good to be true is showing up atyour house with flowers and a
playlist.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
(26:04):
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
You know that feeling when someone just stops talking
to you and you have no idea why.
One minute everything seemsfine and the next minute,
silence.
They won't respond to your text, they ignore you.
When you walk into the room andyou're left running through
every conversation in your headwondering what did I do wrong?
It's confusing, it's hurtfuland it can trigger this deep
(00:23):
panic, especially if you grew uparound people who use silence
as a way to punish or controlyou.
Today we're talking about thesilent treatment, what it is,
why people use it, how itaffects relationships and how to
handle it in a way thatprotects your peace and supports
healthier communication.
Because the truth is the silenttreatment isn't just cooling
(00:45):
off.
It's emotional withdrawal andit can leave lasting scars if it
becomes a pattern.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
(01:06):
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Here we go.
(01:27):
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the Codependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
codependent.
Today I am feeling supergrateful for you, my dearest
listeners, the people who havestuck with me through all my
podcast learning challenges andstill show up week to week to
(01:50):
listen.
I'm so glad to have you on myteam and on my journey.
And if you're listening for thefirst time, or if someone has
sent you this episode and saidyou need to listen to this,
welcome to you as well.
I'm glad to have you here aswell.
Welcome to you as well.
I'm glad to have you here aswell.
(02:10):
After last week's episode, Iasked you what you were grateful
for and you delivered.
Thank you for all your replies.
It was fun and uplifting toread.
I'm going to pick a few everycouple of weeks because I think
that we all need to hear thegood stuff.
The first one is an email I gotfrom Beverly who said I'm
grateful for my daughter Barb,who lets me live with her and
she takes care of me.
She brings me to my doctor'sappointments and makes sure that
(02:32):
I get all my medication.
That's so great, beverly, andI'm glad that you've got great
supports at home.
I also got a DM from Piperwho's grateful for spring
weather, where she finally getsto sit on the deck absorbing the
sun and to watch the birds andthe squirrels play.
I love hearing this kind ofstuff, and focusing on what
(02:53):
you're grateful for really helpsyou to notice what you already
have, instead of only seeingwhat's wrong or chasing things
that you might not ever get.
So keep them coming.
You can email me atcodependentdoctor at gmailcom.
You'll find my email address inthe show notes.
This next episode is going tohurt a little bit, so I'm kind
(03:13):
of glad that we started on thispositive note.
Have you ever gotten the silenttreatment?
It sucks, it seriously.
Seriously is the worst.
It causes so much confusion,hurt, and it can bring up all
kinds of shame.
You don't know what you didwrong, no one's telling you, so
your brain just jumps straightinto the worst case scenarios it
(03:36):
must be my fault, I must havemessed up, maybe they don't care
about me anymore.
And the longer the silencestretches, the heavier it feels.
And instead of fixing thesituation, the silent treatment
creates even more distance,anxiety and fear.
So today we're going to talk alittle bit about why people use
the silent treatment and howdamaging it can be, even if it's
(03:59):
unintentional, and how you canstart handling it in a healthier
and more empowering way,whether you tend to give it or
receive it.
At its core, the silenttreatment is when someone
intentionally refuses tocommunicate with you, not
because they're taking a healthycool-down period, but as a way
to punish or control or withdrawfrom you.
(04:21):
It's not saying I need a minuteto breathe so I don't say
anything that I regret.
It's saying I'm going to shutyou out so you know that you've
upset me, and I'm not going totell you why or how.
The silent treatment is a formof emotional withdrawal torture
really and, whether peoplerealize it or not, it's meant to
(04:41):
make the other person feeluncomfortable, guilty or
desperate to make things right,even when they don't know what
they did wrong.
It creates this power imbalancewhere one person holds all the
cards.
You don't get my attention, myaffection or even my words until
you earn it back.
Is what it's saying.
And, just to be super clear,taking a healthy break during an
(05:04):
argument is not the same thing.
There's a huge differencebetween saying hey, love, I'm
feeling a little overwhelmed andneed some time to cool off.
But I care about you and I wantto come back to this.
Can you give me 30 minutes orso?
Versus silently cutting someoneoff without any explanation,
leaving them anxious, guessingand scrambling to fix things
(05:25):
that they don't even understand.
The silent treatment isn't abouthealthy space.
It's about using silence as aweapon.
I've been on the receiving endof the silent treatment several
times in my life, and usuallyalways from the same person, and
I have to say it's such a cruelthing to do to someone.
It's not just awkward oruncomfortable, it leaves real
(05:48):
scars that can last a long time,sometimes for years, because
the silent treatment doesn'tjust hurt in that moment, it's
going to plant seeds of doubtand fear that stick around for a
long time and it makes yousecond guess yourself constantly
.
What did I do wrong?
Am I even worth talking to?
And even if the relationshipmoves forward after the silence
(06:12):
breaks, a part of you strugglesto fully trust that person again
, because deep down you knowthat at any moment, if something
goes wrong, they might justshut you out again and leave you
in the dark.
The truth is the silenttreatment is a form of
manipulation, whether it's doneconsciously or not.
It's about punishing someonewithout having to say the hard
(06:35):
things out loud.
I want to shed some light on whypeople use the silent treatment
.
Understanding it doesn't excuseit, but it's going to give us
some insight.
And maybe it's going to give ussome insight and maybe it's
going to help us responddifferently instead of just
getting stuck in the pain.
One big reason people use thesilent treatment is a way to
regain power or control.
When someone feels hurt orrejected or powerless, they
(06:59):
might turn to silence as a wayto even the playing field a
little.
It's going to flip the script.
Instead of saying, hey, whatyou did hurt me, they just shut
you out and they make you feelpowerless and desperate.
Instead, it's going to shiftall of that emotional weight
onto you and, whether theyrealize it or not, that silence
(07:20):
becomes a form of control.
I'll talk to you when I decidethat you've earned it.
I'll reconnect with you when itfeels safe or satisfying for me
.
It creates this dynamic whereyou're left scrambling to fix
something, even when you don'tknow what you're fixing.
Another reason people use thesilent treatment is emotional
immaturity or a fear of conflict.
(07:41):
Some people literally don'tknow how to handle their anger,
their sadness or theirdisappointments in a healthy or
a direct way.
They don't have those tools, ormaybe they're too scared to
have those hard conversationsthat are needed in relationships
.
Conflict can feel reallyoverwhelming or terrifying, so
instead of risking vulnerability, they retreat into silence.
(08:04):
It feels safer to shut down andto wall off than to say I'm mad
, I'm sad or I need somethingdifferent from you.
But silence doesn't actuallymake the conflict go away.
It just festers underneath andmakes the relationship weaker.
And for a lot of people thesilent treatment is a learned
behavior, something they pickedup early on, often even without
(08:27):
realizing it.
Maybe growing up, love waswithheld when someone was mad.
Maybe in their house nobodytalked about hard feelings.
If you upset someone, they justiced you out.
No discussion, no repair, justcold, painful distance.
So when they feel hurt, asadults they repeat what they
know If I'm mad, I disappear.
(08:49):
If I'm hurt, I withholdaffection.
That's just how it works.
It's what feels familiar tothem, even if it's toxic.
And underneath all of thesepatterns, the need for control,
the fear of conflict, thelearned shutdown, is often this
simple truth.
Most people who use the silenttreatment don't know how to
(09:10):
express anger, sadness or hurtin healthy ways.
They weren't taught to havethis safe, honest, emotionally
mature conversation, so insteadthey reach for the only tool
that they know, even though itcauses way more harm than good.
I want to explore what it'sactually like to be on the
receiving end of the silenttreatment, because if you've
(09:32):
ever been through it, you knowthat it's brutal.
First, there's thisoverwhelming feeling of being
invisible.
It's like one minute you're aperson and the next minute, poof
, you don't even exist to themanymore.
You could walk into a room,text them, call them, and it's
like your air.
That feeling of being seen onemoment and ignored the next, can
(09:57):
mess with your entire sense ofself-worth.
It sends this really painfulmessage You're not important
enough for me to evenacknowledge at the moment.
And even if they don't say thosewords out, loud silence can
scream just as loudly asshouting sometimes.
Loud silence can scream just asloudly as shouting sometimes.
And there's the confusion andrejection, the anxiety that
(10:18):
builds when you have no ideawhat you did wrong.
You replay every conversationin your head, you try to decode
their last text.
You wonder if you missed asignal, said the wrong thing,
didn't notice something, or youmay have said something that may
have been misinterpreted bythem, and because you don't have
any information, your brain,being the brilliant problem
(10:39):
solver that it is, startsfilling in the blanks, and
almost always, with the worstcase scenarios, I must have done
something awful.
Maybe they hate me now, maybeI'm a terrible person, maybe I
don't even deserve to be loved.
And if you have any abandonmentwounds especially for those who
may have grown up aroundunpredictable caregivers or
(10:59):
unstable emotional environmentsthe silent treatment doesn't
just hurt in the moment.
It hits that old, deep fear I'mgoing to be left, I'm going to
be forgotten.
If I make one mistake, peopleare just going to disappear on
me.
It reactivates those childhoodsurvival instincts that tell you
that it's your job to fix this,your job to be perfect, your
(11:26):
job to win their affection backat any cost.
And so you might find yourselfapologizing for things that you
didn't even do, bending overbackwards or shrinking yourself
down smaller and smaller, justto try to get that connection
back.
But if there's one thing I wantyou to take away from today,
it's this the silent treatmentisn't your fault.
It's a reflection of how theother person handles their own
(11:46):
emotions.
It's not a reflection of you oryour worth.
Being on the receiving end ofsilence is painful because it
taps right into the human needfor connection, for belonging,
for feeling seen.
And when that connection isripped away without any
explanation, it doesn't justhurt your feelings, it shakes
(12:07):
your very foundation of feelingsafe and valued.
The silent treatment isactually so harmful, not just
for the person receiving it, butfor both sides of the
relationship.
It's going to erode trust andsafety and emotional intimacy.
In a healthy relationship,whether it's with a partner, a
friend or even a family member,you need to feel safe.
(12:29):
You need to be able to mess upsometimes.
You need to know that conflicthappens and it's not going to
cost you the relationship.
But when someone uses silenceas a weapon, it sends the
message you're only safe with mewhen you're perfect or being
who I want you to be, and thatstarts to chip away at the very
foundation of emotional intimacy.
(12:50):
You can't build closeness withsomeone that you're secretly
afraid is going to shun youwhenever they're upset.
Second, the silent treatmentteaches people to fear conflict
instead of work through it,instead of learning.
We can disagree and still loveeach other, or we can be hurt
and still stay connected.
(13:10):
The silent treatment teaches usthat conflict is dangerous.
If you upset someone, they'regoing to disappear and over time
that fear can make peoplesuppress their feelings.
They're going to walk oneggshells and avoid honest
conversations altogether, justto avoid being punished with
silence.
And the silent treatmentdoesn't actually solve anything.
(13:31):
It might make one person feelpowerful or in control
temporarily, but it doesn't leadto any kind of resolution.
The hurt doesn't get processed,the misunderstanding doesn't
get resolved.
Instead, the hurt just sitsthere completely unspoken,
building resentment, deepeningmistrust and making the next
conflict even harder to navigate.
(13:53):
It's like putting a band-aidover a broken bone.
It's not going to do anything.
The real injury is still thereand now it's festering
underneath.
And the last way that silenttreatment can be harmful is that
it can really escalatecodependent patterns, especially
in people who already strugglewith self-blame and
over-responsibility.
If you grew up feeling like itwas your job to fix things, to
(14:15):
keep the peace, to make everyonehappy, then being on the
receiving end of the silenttreatment can trigger deep
survival instinct toover-apologize, over-explain,
over-give, just to win thatconnection back.
You start believing that youhave to work to earn someone's
words, affection or attentionback, and that can trap you in a
cycle where you're constantlychasing emotional crumbs just to
(14:38):
feel okay.
So I want to make a reallyimportant distinction here,
because not all silence is bad,and this is something that often
gets misunderstood.
There's a big difference betweena healthy cooling off period
and the silent treatment, andknowing that difference can
change the way that you thinkabout conflict and how you
(14:58):
handle it.
First, taking space can beincredibly healthy if it's
communicated with care andrespect.
When emotions are running highand you're worried, you might
say something that you regret.
Stepping away for a littlewhile is actually a really smart
move.
It gives both people a chanceto calm down a little, gather
their thoughts and come back tothe conversation from a more
(15:21):
grounded place.
The key here is communication.
A healthy cooling off periodsounds something like hey, I'm
feeling overwhelmed right now.
I need a little time to calmdown, but I care about you and I
want us to work through this.
Or I'm not in the rightheadspace to talk about this
right now, but I do want to talkthis through.
(15:42):
Let's come back to it whenwe're both ready.
Even just a sentence or twolike that makes all the
difference.
It says I'm going to step back,but I'm not abandoning you.
It keeps the connection intact,even while creating some
breathing room.
Then you go and you take sometime to think about it and you
come back to it, whether that'safter 10 minutes, an hour or the
(16:03):
next day, as long as it's beencommunicated that you will come
back.
Now the silent treatment is awhole different story.
The silent treatment isn'tabout calming down.
It's about punishing.
It's about making the otherperson feel isolated, confused
and anxious, and doing it onpurpose or at least without care
of how much it hurts that otherperson feel isolated, confused
and anxious, and doing it onpurpose or at least without care
of how much it hurts that otherperson.
(16:23):
When someone gives you thesilent treatment, they don't say
I need time, but I'm comingback.
They just disappear, shuttingyou out completely, and you're
left guessing.
Are they done with me?
Did I cross some invisible line?
Am I supposed to fix thissomehow, even though I don't
know what I did?
It's silence as a weaponinstead of silence as a tool for
(16:46):
healing, and the damage itcauses is real.
It chips away at trust, itcreates insecurity in your
relationship and it makesconflict feel unsafe.
Not because disagreement isscary, but because abandonment
feels like it's always justaround the corner.
Now I want to take a second totalk to anyone who might be
(17:07):
realizing oh my gosh, thissounds just like me.
I give the silent treatment.
First of all, it's okay, take abreath.
This isn't about beatingyourself up, and it doesn't mean
that you're a bad person.
It usually means that you'vebeen using a defense mechanism,
one that maybe you didn't evenrealize you were using.
A lot of us were never taughthealthy ways to handle conflict,
(17:30):
anger or hurt feelings.
So we shut down, we pull away,not because we're trying to be
cruel, but because it feelssafer than saying something
messy, emotional or vulnerable.
And here's something reallyworth exploring.
If you notice yourself doing it, what's the feeling underneath
that silence?
Because usually it's not aboutwanting to hurt the other person
(17:52):
, it's about protecting yourself.
It could be fear, maybe thefear of saying the wrong thing
and making it worse.
It could be feeling completelyoverwhelmed and not knowing how
to express what's happeninginside you.
It could even be a leftoversurvival skill from childhood,
where you learned that, whenthings got tense, silence would
keep you safe.
Understanding what's underneaththe shutdown is so important
(18:16):
because when you know why you'redoing something, you can start
to choose differently.
And that brings us to the goodnews.
There are healthier alternativesto the silent treatment.
You can still take space whenyou need it, but you can do it
in a way that keeps connectionand safety intact, instead of
shutting down completely.
You could say something likeI'm upset right now and I need a
(18:37):
little time to gather mythoughts, but I want to come
back to this and work on it withyou.
Or I'm feeling too angry tohave a calm conversation right
now, but I care about you and Iwant to work on this.
I just need a little bit ofspace first.
You see the difference.
You're still honoring your ownemotions, you're still creating
space that you need, but you'reletting the other person know
(18:58):
you're not being abandoned.
I'm not punishing you.
I just need a moment to be ableto show up better.
It's a small shift, but it's areally powerful one, and the
more you practice it, the moreyou realize you can have big
feelings and healthycommunication.
You can protect your peacewithout punishing the people
that you care about.
(19:18):
And if you're the person who'son the receiving end, I feel
your pain.
Being on the receiving end ofsilence is really hard.
It's confusing and hurtful andit can really mess with your
head if you're not careful.
This is so important for you tohear.
You don't deserve to be ignored.
No matter what happened, nomatter what disagreement took
(19:40):
place, you didn't deserve to befrozen out, punished or made to
feel invisible.
A healthy conflict involvestalking, understanding, maybe
even arguing a little, but itdoesn't involve pretending that
someone doesn't exist.
That's not love, that's notrespect, and it's really
important for you to know thatthat's not respect.
(20:03):
And it's really important foryou to know that.
Second, don't beg, don't chaseor over-apologize just to get
the other person to break theirsilence.
I know it's tempting and I'vedone it time and time again.
When you're anxious and hurtingyour survival brain is going to
kick in.
Maybe if I just say sorry onemore time, maybe if I just
explain a little better, maybeif I just try harder, then
they're going to talk to me.
(20:24):
But chasing someone who'spunishing you doesn't actually
rebuild trust.
It teaches them that it's okayto shut down and that you'll do
all the emotional labor to fixit, and that's not a pattern
that you want to keepreinforcing for their sake or
yours.
So instead, focus on your ownboundaries.
You can be open to reconnectingwithout sacrificing your
(20:46):
dignity.
You can say something like I'mopen to talking whenever you're
ready to communicaterespectfully, but I'm not okay
with being ignored.
That way, you leave the dooropen without chasing, begging or
abandoning yourself in theprocess.
You protect your heart and yourself-respect at the same time.
Also, it's really important toconsider what patterns you're
(21:07):
willing to accept long-term inyour relationships.
If someone keeps using silenceas a weapon and they're not
willing to acknowledge or workon it, you have a choice to make
.
You get to ask yourself is thisthe kind of relationship that I
want to keep investing in?
Can I thrive in a connectionwhere I'm walking on eggshells
or always afraid of being shutout?
(21:28):
And if the answer is no, that'snot weakness, it's wisdom and
you can do something with that.
Maybe this is something thatyou both can work on and heal
from.
Let's talk about what healingactually looks like if you're
stuck in a silent treatmentdance with someone that you care
about, whether you're the onewho tends to shut down or the
one who tends to be on thereceiving end.
(21:49):
First, both people have to bewilling to acknowledge the hurt,
and this is so important.
You can't just sweep it underthe rug and pretend that it
didn't happen.
You can't hit the reset buttonby acting like everything's fine
when, deep down, things stillfeel raw and unresolved.
If you skip over the hurt,you're going to build resentment
instead of repair.
(22:09):
So there has to be a realvulnerable moment of
acknowledgement, something likeI realized that when I shut down
, I made you feel abandoned.
I realized that when I shutdown, I made you feel abandoned.
Or when you stopped talking tome, I felt hurt and confused and
I didn't know how to reach you.
That kind of honesty lays thegroundwork for actual healing,
(22:30):
not just surface level peace.
The next piece is to build newagreements on how you're
planning to handle conflictdifferently in the future,
because conflict is going tohappen.
That's just part of being humanand part of being close to
people.
The goal isn't to eliminate allarguments.
The goal here is to fight fairand to love through the hard
(22:52):
moments and stay connected evenwhen things get messy.
One really powerful agreementyou can make is this If either
of us need space, we're going tocommunicate that instead of
hitting the silence button.
That little sentence can take asituation that could have
turned into days of silence andhurt and instead keep it
grounded in love and respect.
(23:13):
Another important agreement isto use words to express feelings
, not withdrawal.
Even if it's clumsy, it'sprobably going to feel a little
bit uncomfortable at first, buteven if all you say is I'm
feeling really overwhelmed andI'm not sure what to say yet,
that's still communication andit still keeps the relationship
(23:33):
alive.
And listen these changes,they're going to take time.
If the silent treatment has beena pattern for years, it's not
going to go away overnight.
But every time you choosehonest words over silence, every
time you create a safe spacefor cooling off instead of
freezing someone out, you'rebuilding a healthier, stronger,
(23:54):
more real connection, and that'swhat real repair looks like.
So, as we wrap up today'sepisode, I just want to leave
you with a little encouragementIf you recognize yourself
anywhere in what we talked abouttoday, whether you've given the
silent treatment, received itor gotten stuck somewhere in
those patterns.
Please hear me when I say thisit's not about shame, it's not
(24:17):
about blaming yourself orlabeling yourself as toxic or
broken.
It's about learning.
It's about noticing oldsurvival habits that maybe used
to protect you and now realizingthat they don't serve you
anymore, and that's growth.
You can learn new ways tohandle conflict, you can learn
how to communicate even whenit's messy, and you can protect
(24:38):
your peace without punishing thepeople that you love and
without abandoning yourself.
It all starts with awareness,and if you're here listening and
thinking about this stuff,you're already on your way.
You're doing the work andthat's something to be proud of.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday and remember you're always
allowed to choose healthier,kinder ways to show up for
(25:01):
yourself and the people that youcare about.
Here are some reflectionexercises for the week if you'd
like to do some journal work.
How did conflict andcommunication look like in the
home that I grew up in?
When I feel hurt or overwhelmed, do I normally react and what
would a healthy response looklike?
Have I ever felt like I had tochase someone's attention or
(25:22):
approval after conflict, and howdid that feel?
If you have a moment, I'dreally appreciate it if you
could subscribe to the podcastand maybe send this episode link
to someone who's often on thereceiving end of silent
treatment.
I think they need to hear this.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
(25:42):
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
When I'm going to be talkingabout love bombing, when too
good to be true is showing up atyour house with flowers and a
playlist.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
(26:04):
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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