December 18, 2024 • 21 mins
What if the very walls you’ve built to protect yourself are the same ones keeping you from the love and connection you desire? Join me, Tonya Shellnutt, on this heartfelt episode of Courageous Overcomer, where I open up about my journey through trauma, abandonment, and addiction. Discover how these experiences led me to construct emotional fortresses that, rather than safeguarding me, isolated me from the authentic relationships I craved. Together, we explore the reasons behind these barriers, such as fear of vulnerability and loss of trust, and how they often provide a false sense of security while keeping true joy at bay.
In our continuing conversation, I share the challenging yet rewarding process of dismantling these emotional walls. Drawing from personal experiences and recovery principles from programs like AA and Celebrate Recovery, this episode offers practical guidance on healing and personal growth. Learn the crucial steps of admitting powerlessness, believing in a higher power, and conducting an honest self-inventory as we discuss paving the way to emotional freedom. With courage and intentionality, we can break down these barriers and restore our well-being, fostering genuine connections and leading lives filled with love and authenticity. Tune in for true stories and powerful tools to support you on this transformative journey.
http://www.celebraterecovery.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tonya Shellnutt (00:12):
Welcome to Courageous Overcomer stories of
hope and healing.
I'm your host, tonya Shellnutt.
Here we talk about the hardstuff trauma, fear and pain but
we don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and the hope of a
brighter tomorrow.
Every episode is filled withreal stories, practical tools
(00:33):
and faith-filled encouragementto help you rise above your
challenges and step into thelife God designed for you.
Let's be honest Many of us hidefrom our pain because it's just
so hard to face.
I know what that feels like andthat's why this podcast exists.
I want this to be a place whereyou feel inspired to be real,
raw and authentic about yourstruggles, because here's the
(00:55):
hard truth we can't heal whatwe're not willing to face.
So the last few weeks we'vebeen talking about the trauma
that I endured as a child, youknow, with my father abandoning
me, the sexual abuse, thephysical abuse, my alcohol
addiction.
We've had Rich on here to talkabout what it was like living
(01:16):
with me, what it was like withhis own struggles, with
insecurity and addiction, andtoday I want to dive into
something that's verysignificant to me and something
that I think that the listenerswill really want to hear about
today, and you'll notice that onmy podcast thumbnail is a
picture of a pink painted wall.
(01:37):
And do you want to know why Ichose to put a brick wall on my
thumbnail?
Because it has actualsignificance.
It signifies to me an emotionalwall that I spent my entire
life building.
I have been trying for years tobreak through those bricks that
(01:58):
I built one by one, and aboutthree to four years into my
marriage with Rich, we had hadan argument and I can remember
as clear as day where I was.
We were at 4343 Craig Avenue inthis little yellow house and we
were sitting on the bed and, asI said, we had just had an
argument and Rich stood up andhe looked at me and he said why
(02:22):
won't you just let me love you?
And I just looked at him.
I'm like what are you talkingabout?
I do let you love me, but I hadno idea.
The significance of thatstatement and the reality is is
that I had been building myfortress for years and years and
it started at the young age ofI suppose, when my birth father
abandoned me and then, with thesexual abuse and the physical
(02:45):
abuse, and I had built this wallso that nobody could get
through to me to hurt me, nomatter the cost.
Now, granted, my wall wasn'tbuilt overnight, but brick by
brick, I constructed it out offear and pain and a deep desire
to protect myself from beinghurt again.
And pain and a deep desire toprotect myself from being hurt
(03:07):
again.
Every betrayal, every harshword, every moment of rejection
was another brick in my fortress.
I honestly didn't know a betterway to cope.
It seemed like the perfectsolution, a way to control who
would come close and who couldhurt me, but the reality is is
that the wall didn't just keepthe pain out, it also kept the
(03:28):
love out.
It isolated me from the veryconnection I craved.
So today I want to talk aboutwhy do people build emotional
walls, like I did and like somany of our listeners probably
have done so.
It's really a form ofself-protection and it's a
response to painful experiences,trauma or fear.
(03:50):
They guard againstvulnerability, rejection or
further harm.
So we think.
So let's talk about what aresome of the common reasons why
people build emotional walls.
People are afraid of beingvulnerable, because when you're
vulnerable, it's risky.
It exposes you to potentialrejection or betrayal.
(04:11):
Another one is painfulexperiences, past trauma, such
as abuse, neglect or loss andyou feel like you need to create
a wall to shield yourself fromfuture hurt.
And I don't know if, on thatone, is one that you
intentionally do, but I think,subconsciously, you just build
(04:35):
that wall because of the traumaand you don't really know that
you've done it, but it's there,I would say.
Another one is fear of rejection, maybe being obviously with my
situation being abandoned by mybirth father, being judged,
misunderstood, and it leads toyou just thinking okay, I'm
going to clam up, put my wallsup and protect myself.
(04:58):
Another one would be loss oftrust.
A betrayal or brokenrelationships can make it
difficult to trust others, soleading to walls as means of
avoiding future disappointment.
So you put those walls up sothat you can't be disappointed.
I think this was something thatwas really hard for me, because
I felt like I was alwaysdealing with disappointment.
(05:20):
I really struggled and we'regoing to talk about this at
another time but why would Godallow for the atrocities that
happened to me to have happened?
And so I did not have a lot oftrust.
I didn't have a lot of trustbecause my birth father
abandoned me.
I didn't have a lot of trustbecause my adoptive dad was a
drunk and I didn't have a lot oftrust because the guy that I
(05:43):
was in the relationship wasphysically abusive to me, and so
I totally took on buildingthose bricks and creating that
wall because of that lack oftrust.
Another area or another reasonwhy people build emotional walls
is for control and perceivedsafety.
They provide a sense of controlover who gets close and how
(06:06):
much one reveals themselves.
Again, I think that this isanother example of perceived
safety, perceived control.
You get to control who comesinto your space, you get to
control how you perceive yoursafety, and the reality is is
you don't really get to controlthat.
(06:26):
That's definitely a topic thatwe're going to talk about at
another time.
Is that false sense of controlthat you think you have but you
don't really have?
And then I would say the lastone is that the reason why you
build an emotional wall isbecause of shame and self-doubt.
You internalize feelings ofunworthiness or inadequacy,
(06:48):
making it easier to isolate thanperceived judgment from others.
And again, I think this isdefinitely an area that I
experienced a lot of bricklaying.
It was because I had a lot ofshame, I had a lot of self-doubt
, I didn't feel like I belonged,I felt like the black sheep and
(07:09):
so if people got to know me,would they really like me?
And I think that's anotherthing and we're going to talk
about here in a minute that ledto my addictions was a result of
that.
So, while these walls mightprovide temporary relief, they
actually come at a cost, and Ikept rich at a distance because
(07:29):
I was afraid he would hurt me.
You know, I can remember timeswhen he would raise his voice at
me, not because he was beingmean, but because we were in an
argument and he had a hot headand he would raise his voice at
me and I would literally cowerin a corner because of what had
happened in that previousrelationship where I was being
(07:50):
physically abused and I was justscared that he was going to
hurt me.
And he always was like Tanya,I'm not going to hurt you.
He was so patient with me whenI honestly was mean and angry,
because I use those defenses tokeep him at a distance.
And I love having him on theshow because obviously we have a
(08:13):
lot of material for all of youto hear and he's actually going
to come back next week to sharewith us about breaking through
the Great Wall of Tanya, andhopefully our story can help
inspire you to begin to breakdown your walls.
So, while my emotional wallswere protective in the short run
, as I said, the cost wassignificant, and so I want to
share 10 things that happen whenyou stay locked up in your
(08:37):
prison, where, again, you havethis sense of perceived safety
and you think you're safe, butactually you're not.
So let's go through those 10things.
First one is you have strainedrelationships.
Emotional walls create barriersin communication and intimacy.
Again, rich saying Tanya, whywon't you just let me love you?
(08:59):
I thought that I was lettinghim love me, but I had no idea
what loving someone looked like,and so it was a barrier in our
communication and intimacy.
And then it leads tomisunderstandings Again because
of my own insecurities, becauseof my own unhealed wounds.
(09:21):
If Rich said anything, I wouldtake it the wrong way.
I was defensive, and so therewas a lot of misunderstandings
that occurred.
And then, when you keep peopleout, it also fosters resentment
and further alienation.
I mean, how long can you keeppushing somebody away before
(09:42):
they just say okay, you knowwhat, you're not going to let me
in.
So I'm done, I'm going to justquit trying, and I think that
happens more often than we know.
And there are those that leaninto it, like Rich, and stay,
but then there are those peoplethat give up, and so that's not
what we want.
(10:03):
We don't want you to staylocked in that prison.
And so the second thing I wouldsay it also does is it creates
isolation and loneliness.
Like I said, it keeps peopleaway and it's a defense.
It's you just saying I don'twant you to come into my space
because you're going to hurt me,and so you think that it's
helping you, when in actualityit's just creating isolation and
(10:27):
loneliness.
And then another one I thinkthat's also equally important is
that it stunts emotional growth.
So not only do walls block outpain, but it also blocks out joy
and love and healing, becausewhen you refuse to face your
pain, you miss out onopportunities to heal.
(10:48):
And I'm not saying that to bespeaking at you, but because
I've experienced that Growthrequires vulnerability, and
vulnerability is hard, andespecially when you're wounded,
and it's hard to grow whenyou're hiding behind a wall.
(11:09):
Of quote I put in air quotesself-protection.
The other thing that walls do isthey trap unresolved pain and
trauma and, honestly, as youstuff the pain, you stuff the
trauma, it turns into anxietyand depression.
And that's exactly whathappened to me.
I was extremely anxious, I wasextremely depressed.
(11:32):
I'll share later on how and Ithink I shared with you in the
first couple episodes how I lostmy mom and I had just gotten
you know, I was two years intosome of my sobriety.
I lost my mom, I didn't knowhow to deal with everything and
I was extremely anxious anddepressed, so much so that I did
(11:52):
get some medication to help meat that time, because I could
feel, you know, the heartpalpitations and I know I shared
that with you before.
But but when you stuff the painand again there's a time and a
place for medicine I'm notsaying that you should or
shouldn't be on it, but you alsohave to look and face the pain.
And so when you build your wall, it traps that pain and trauma.
(12:14):
The other thing that walls do isthey develop unhealthy coping
skills, like addictions, likeanger.
Maybe you become anoverachiever, you overwork,
maybe you become a control freak.
I definitely was all of thoseactually Control freak and again
, this will be another topicthat we have for another day.
(12:36):
But you're really justoperating out of a fear-based
mentality, when you're a controlfreak.
But you think that I've builtthese walls, I'm going to
determine who comes in, and youthink that you have control over
it.
And it is a false sense ofsecurity.
But it's built again by thewalls.
(12:57):
The other thing that walls dois they reinforce fear, making
it harder to step out of sightof your comfort zone, because it
gives you that false sense ofsecurity, loss of authenticity.
Emotional walls force you tohide your true self.
Pretending to be okay makes ithard to let people in.
I can remember in treatment,you know, we weren't allowed to
(13:21):
tell people, you know, how areyou today?
We weren't allowed to say fine,we had to actually specify how
we were feeling and give anemotion to the answer.
So I'm feeling sad or I'mfeeling, you know, happy today,
whatever it was, because if youtell somebody that you're fine
(13:42):
and you're not, how can theyknow to help you?
So I had the tough girlsyndrome and I kept everybody
out and I avoided beingvulnerable because again, the
tough girl syndrome was like I'mgood, I don't need any of you,
I'm great.
And then I didn't have to letyou in to share in my pain or
(14:04):
know what my pain was, and thenall of that then leads to
disconnect.
You're extremely disconnectedto those around you because
you're not being real with them.
You're faking it really.
You're being inauthentic.
It goes back to that statementyou can't heal what you don't
face.
And that's what a wall does isit creates loss of authenticity.
(14:27):
The other thing that walls dois they keep good things out.
Loss of authenticity.
The other thing that walls dois they keep good things out.
They might block the pain, butit blocks out the good.
So, as I said earlier, love,joy, connection.
And so, instead of protectingme, the wall blocked out good
stuff, the things that I wanted.
I wanted love, I wanted joy, Iwanted to connect, I wanted to
(14:47):
be intimate with Rich, but Ididn't know how to do any of
that.
And those walls again, it wasthat false sense of security,
and so, unfortunately, wallsblock out good.
The other thing that can happenwith walls is that you get stuck
in bad habits.
So, instead of facing thepainful emotions, it's easier to
(15:08):
sweep things under the rug andavoid.
That was how my family dealtwith things.
We just shoved it under the rugand avoid.
That was how my family dealtwith things.
We just shoved it under the rugand we didn't talk about it.
And you know, again, it goesback to that false sense of
security.
If we don't talk about it, it'snot there.
But we all know how that endsup.
And so how does that help withgrowth?
(15:28):
Well, it doesn't.
How does that help with growth?
Well, it doesn't.
You avoid being authentic, soyou don't have meaningful
relationships.
The other part of that is thatmistrust rules the day.
You know, I'm actually onlyclose with two people, that's my
husband and my best friend,because even though I, you know,
I'm 30 years into this journey,I don't I this journey.
(15:52):
I still get afraid of gettinghurt.
I still don't like to letpeople in.
Even doing this podcast, I'mscared to death every day that I
record it Because I'm like whatare people going to think of me
?
But I know I have to do it andso I do it.
The other part is that thelonger that the walls stay up,
(16:13):
the harder it is to heal.
Breaking habits take courageand intentionality.
And then, lastly, emotionalwalls create health problems.
So you can have high bloodpressure, you can have again
anxiety, you can have heartdisease, weakened immunity and
(16:35):
then we know that chronicemotional tension creates strain
on the mind and the body.
As I said earlier, buildingthose walls what it did for me,
it took on many physicalailments, it took on emotional
ailments.
So then I guess the question isokay.
We know that building wallscreates all of these unhealthy
(16:57):
things.
So where do we go from here?
And the first step is torecognize and dismantle the
barriers or bricks that hinderthe emotional freedom, and that
takes courage.
In AA or Celebrate Recovery,which a basically a focused,
biblical 12 step program, theygive you 12 steps to freedom.
I'm not going to go over all ofthem today, but whether you
(17:21):
suffer from addiction orself-protection and you're an
emotional wall builder, theteachings are all the same and
I'm going to link the websiteand the 12 steps in the podcast
link for you to reference.
But I just want to go throughthe first five.
The first one, and again,they're the same in AA as they
(17:41):
are in Celebrate Recovery.
These are applicable whetheryou're an addict or where you're
an emotional wall builder.
And the first one is we admittedwe were powerless over our
addictions and compulsivebehaviors, that our lives have
become unmanageable.
You've got to be able to admitthat there's a problem.
That's the very first step.
The second one is we came tobelieve that a power greater
(18:04):
than ourselves could restore usto sanity.
This Bible verse, philippians2.13, says this For it is God
who works in you to will and toact according to his good
purpose.
God is the one that can helpyou through this.
And then, three, we made adecision to turn our lives and
our wills over to the care ofGod.
(18:24):
That's a hard one, so surrender.
Number four we made a searchingand fearless, honest inventory
of ourselves.
This one's the hardest, becausethis is the one where you have
to step back and you have tolook at everything that's
happened in your life and gookay, I've built walls because
of this, or I built wallsbecause of that.
(18:46):
Whether they were your fault ornot, they still hinder growth,
and so you've got to do thatinventory, and so I want to
encourage you to do that.
And then, five we admitted toGod, to ourselves and to another
human being, the exact natureof our hurts, hangups and habits
.
Again, if you don't admit, oryou don't recognize, or you
(19:09):
don't even begin to try andsearch for some of these answers
to the issues that you'rehaving, it makes it very
difficult for healing to happen,and so I want to encourage you
to courageously lean into thesefive principles to get you
started on your healing journey,to work to break down the walls
Because, again, remember, wecannot heal what we do not face.
(19:36):
So if what I shared todayresonates with you, know that
you are not alone, and that isone thing that I want everyone
to take from this podcast is toknow you're not alone.
There are many people out therethat are going through these
same things, and so I want toencourage you to subscribe to
Courageous Overcomers and joinour community.
(19:56):
Leave a five-star review thathelps us get hope out faster.
Share this episode with someonewho might need encouragement
today, and, if you have anyquestions, please email me at
tanya at tonyashellnuttcom.
I would love to know whatyou're struggling with and maybe
we can highlight the issue on afuture podcast.
(20:17):
Tune in next Wednesday Sametime, same place.
(20:23):
Have a great week.
Thank you for joining us hereon Courageous Overcomers with
Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
tonyashellnutt.
com or to ask a question aboutanything you've heard on today's
show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
at tonyashellnuttcom.
(20:44):
Remember that'sS-H-E-L-L-N-U-T-T.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone Audio Productions.
Welcome to Courageous Overcomer stories of
hope and healing.
I'm your host, tonya Shellnutt.
Here we talk about the hardstuff trauma, fear and pain but
we don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and the hope of a
brighter tomorrow.
Every episode is filled withreal stories, practical tools
(00:33):
and faith-filled encouragementto help you rise above your
challenges and step into thelife God designed for you.
Let's be honest Many of us hidefrom our pain because it's just
so hard to face.
I know what that feels like andthat's why this podcast exists.
I want this to be a place whereyou feel inspired to be real,
raw and authentic about yourstruggles, because here's the
(00:55):
hard truth we can't heal whatwe're not willing to face.
So the last few weeks we'vebeen talking about the trauma
that I endured as a child, youknow, with my father abandoning
me, the sexual abuse, thephysical abuse, my alcohol
addiction.
We've had Rich on here to talkabout what it was like living
(01:16):
with me, what it was like withhis own struggles, with
insecurity and addiction, andtoday I want to dive into
something that's verysignificant to me and something
that I think that the listenerswill really want to hear about
today, and you'll notice that onmy podcast thumbnail is a
picture of a pink painted wall.
(01:37):
And do you want to know why Ichose to put a brick wall on my
thumbnail?
Because it has actualsignificance.
It signifies to me an emotionalwall that I spent my entire
life building.
I have been trying for years tobreak through those bricks that
(01:58):
I built one by one, and aboutthree to four years into my
marriage with Rich, we had hadan argument and I can remember
as clear as day where I was.
We were at 4343 Craig Avenue inthis little yellow house and we
were sitting on the bed and, asI said, we had just had an
argument and Rich stood up andhe looked at me and he said why
(02:22):
won't you just let me love you?
And I just looked at him.
I'm like what are you talkingabout?
I do let you love me, but I hadno idea.
The significance of thatstatement and the reality is is
that I had been building myfortress for years and years and
it started at the young age ofI suppose, when my birth father
abandoned me and then, with thesexual abuse and the physical
(02:45):
abuse, and I had built this wallso that nobody could get
through to me to hurt me, nomatter the cost.
Now, granted, my wall wasn'tbuilt overnight, but brick by
brick, I constructed it out offear and pain and a deep desire
to protect myself from beinghurt again.
And pain and a deep desire toprotect myself from being hurt
(03:07):
again.
Every betrayal, every harshword, every moment of rejection
was another brick in my fortress.
I honestly didn't know a betterway to cope.
It seemed like the perfectsolution, a way to control who
would come close and who couldhurt me, but the reality is is
that the wall didn't just keepthe pain out, it also kept the
(03:28):
love out.
It isolated me from the veryconnection I craved.
So today I want to talk aboutwhy do people build emotional
walls, like I did and like somany of our listeners probably
have done so.
It's really a form ofself-protection and it's a
response to painful experiences,trauma or fear.
(03:50):
They guard againstvulnerability, rejection or
further harm.
So we think.
So let's talk about what aresome of the common reasons why
people build emotional walls.
People are afraid of beingvulnerable, because when you're
vulnerable, it's risky.
It exposes you to potentialrejection or betrayal.
(04:11):
Another one is painfulexperiences, past trauma, such
as abuse, neglect or loss andyou feel like you need to create
a wall to shield yourself fromfuture hurt.
And I don't know if, on thatone, is one that you
intentionally do, but I think,subconsciously, you just build
(04:35):
that wall because of the traumaand you don't really know that
you've done it, but it's there,I would say.
Another one is fear of rejection, maybe being obviously with my
situation being abandoned by mybirth father, being judged,
misunderstood, and it leads toyou just thinking okay, I'm
going to clam up, put my wallsup and protect myself.
(04:58):
Another one would be loss oftrust.
A betrayal or brokenrelationships can make it
difficult to trust others, soleading to walls as means of
avoiding future disappointment.
So you put those walls up sothat you can't be disappointed.
I think this was something thatwas really hard for me, because
I felt like I was alwaysdealing with disappointment.
(05:20):
I really struggled and we'regoing to talk about this at
another time but why would Godallow for the atrocities that
happened to me to have happened?
And so I did not have a lot oftrust.
I didn't have a lot of trustbecause my birth father
abandoned me.
I didn't have a lot of trustbecause my adoptive dad was a
drunk and I didn't have a lot oftrust because the guy that I
(05:43):
was in the relationship wasphysically abusive to me, and so
I totally took on buildingthose bricks and creating that
wall because of that lack oftrust.
Another area or another reasonwhy people build emotional walls
is for control and perceivedsafety.
They provide a sense of controlover who gets close and how
(06:06):
much one reveals themselves.
Again, I think that this isanother example of perceived
safety, perceived control.
You get to control who comesinto your space, you get to
control how you perceive yoursafety, and the reality is is
you don't really get to controlthat.
(06:26):
That's definitely a topic thatwe're going to talk about at
another time.
Is that false sense of controlthat you think you have but you
don't really have?
And then I would say the lastone is that the reason why you
build an emotional wall isbecause of shame and self-doubt.
You internalize feelings ofunworthiness or inadequacy,
(06:48):
making it easier to isolate thanperceived judgment from others.
And again, I think this isdefinitely an area that I
experienced a lot of bricklaying.
It was because I had a lot ofshame, I had a lot of self-doubt
, I didn't feel like I belonged,I felt like the black sheep and
(07:09):
so if people got to know me,would they really like me?
And I think that's anotherthing and we're going to talk
about here in a minute that ledto my addictions was a result of
that.
So, while these walls mightprovide temporary relief, they
actually come at a cost, and Ikept rich at a distance because
(07:29):
I was afraid he would hurt me.
You know, I can remember timeswhen he would raise his voice at
me, not because he was beingmean, but because we were in an
argument and he had a hot headand he would raise his voice at
me and I would literally cowerin a corner because of what had
happened in that previousrelationship where I was being
(07:50):
physically abused and I was justscared that he was going to
hurt me.
And he always was like Tanya,I'm not going to hurt you.
He was so patient with me whenI honestly was mean and angry,
because I use those defenses tokeep him at a distance.
And I love having him on theshow because obviously we have a
(08:13):
lot of material for all of youto hear and he's actually going
to come back next week to sharewith us about breaking through
the Great Wall of Tanya, andhopefully our story can help
inspire you to begin to breakdown your walls.
So, while my emotional wallswere protective in the short run
, as I said, the cost wassignificant, and so I want to
share 10 things that happen whenyou stay locked up in your
(08:37):
prison, where, again, you havethis sense of perceived safety
and you think you're safe, butactually you're not.
So let's go through those 10things.
First one is you have strainedrelationships.
Emotional walls create barriersin communication and intimacy.
Again, rich saying Tanya, whywon't you just let me love you?
(08:59):
I thought that I was lettinghim love me, but I had no idea
what loving someone looked like,and so it was a barrier in our
communication and intimacy.
And then it leads tomisunderstandings Again because
of my own insecurities, becauseof my own unhealed wounds.
(09:21):
If Rich said anything, I wouldtake it the wrong way.
I was defensive, and so therewas a lot of misunderstandings
that occurred.
And then, when you keep peopleout, it also fosters resentment
and further alienation.
I mean, how long can you keeppushing somebody away before
(09:42):
they just say okay, you knowwhat, you're not going to let me
in.
So I'm done, I'm going to justquit trying, and I think that
happens more often than we know.
And there are those that leaninto it, like Rich, and stay,
but then there are those peoplethat give up, and so that's not
what we want.
(10:03):
We don't want you to staylocked in that prison.
And so the second thing I wouldsay it also does is it creates
isolation and loneliness.
Like I said, it keeps peopleaway and it's a defense.
It's you just saying I don'twant you to come into my space
because you're going to hurt me,and so you think that it's
helping you, when in actualityit's just creating isolation and
(10:27):
loneliness.
And then another one I thinkthat's also equally important is
that it stunts emotional growth.
So not only do walls block outpain, but it also blocks out joy
and love and healing, becausewhen you refuse to face your
pain, you miss out onopportunities to heal.
(10:48):
And I'm not saying that to bespeaking at you, but because
I've experienced that Growthrequires vulnerability, and
vulnerability is hard, andespecially when you're wounded,
and it's hard to grow whenyou're hiding behind a wall.
(11:09):
Of quote I put in air quotesself-protection.
The other thing that walls do isthey trap unresolved pain and
trauma and, honestly, as youstuff the pain, you stuff the
trauma, it turns into anxietyand depression.
And that's exactly whathappened to me.
I was extremely anxious, I wasextremely depressed.
(11:32):
I'll share later on how and Ithink I shared with you in the
first couple episodes how I lostmy mom and I had just gotten
you know, I was two years intosome of my sobriety.
I lost my mom, I didn't knowhow to deal with everything and
I was extremely anxious anddepressed, so much so that I did
(11:52):
get some medication to help meat that time, because I could
feel, you know, the heartpalpitations and I know I shared
that with you before.
But but when you stuff the painand again there's a time and a
place for medicine I'm notsaying that you should or
shouldn't be on it, but you alsohave to look and face the pain.
And so when you build your wall, it traps that pain and trauma.
(12:14):
The other thing that walls do isthey develop unhealthy coping
skills, like addictions, likeanger.
Maybe you become anoverachiever, you overwork,
maybe you become a control freak.
I definitely was all of thoseactually Control freak and again
, this will be another topicthat we have for another day.
(12:36):
But you're really justoperating out of a fear-based
mentality, when you're a controlfreak.
But you think that I've builtthese walls, I'm going to
determine who comes in, and youthink that you have control over
it.
And it is a false sense ofsecurity.
But it's built again by thewalls.
(12:57):
The other thing that walls dois they reinforce fear, making
it harder to step out of sightof your comfort zone, because it
gives you that false sense ofsecurity, loss of authenticity.
Emotional walls force you tohide your true self.
Pretending to be okay makes ithard to let people in.
I can remember in treatment,you know, we weren't allowed to
(13:21):
tell people, you know, how areyou today?
We weren't allowed to say fine,we had to actually specify how
we were feeling and give anemotion to the answer.
So I'm feeling sad or I'mfeeling, you know, happy today,
whatever it was, because if youtell somebody that you're fine
(13:42):
and you're not, how can theyknow to help you?
So I had the tough girlsyndrome and I kept everybody
out and I avoided beingvulnerable because again, the
tough girl syndrome was like I'mgood, I don't need any of you,
I'm great.
And then I didn't have to letyou in to share in my pain or
(14:04):
know what my pain was, and thenall of that then leads to
disconnect.
You're extremely disconnectedto those around you because
you're not being real with them.
You're faking it really.
You're being inauthentic.
It goes back to that statementyou can't heal what you don't
face.
And that's what a wall does isit creates loss of authenticity.
(14:27):
The other thing that walls dois they keep good things out.
Loss of authenticity.
The other thing that walls dois they keep good things out.
They might block the pain, butit blocks out the good.
So, as I said earlier, love,joy, connection.
And so, instead of protectingme, the wall blocked out good
stuff, the things that I wanted.
I wanted love, I wanted joy, Iwanted to connect, I wanted to
(14:47):
be intimate with Rich, but Ididn't know how to do any of
that.
And those walls again, it wasthat false sense of security,
and so, unfortunately, wallsblock out good.
The other thing that can happenwith walls is that you get stuck
in bad habits.
So, instead of facing thepainful emotions, it's easier to
(15:08):
sweep things under the rug andavoid.
That was how my family dealtwith things.
We just shoved it under the rugand avoid.
That was how my family dealtwith things.
We just shoved it under the rugand we didn't talk about it.
And you know, again, it goesback to that false sense of
security.
If we don't talk about it, it'snot there.
But we all know how that endsup.
And so how does that help withgrowth?
(15:28):
Well, it doesn't.
How does that help with growth?
Well, it doesn't.
You avoid being authentic, soyou don't have meaningful
relationships.
The other part of that is thatmistrust rules the day.
You know, I'm actually onlyclose with two people, that's my
husband and my best friend,because even though I, you know,
I'm 30 years into this journey,I don't I this journey.
(15:52):
I still get afraid of gettinghurt.
I still don't like to letpeople in.
Even doing this podcast, I'mscared to death every day that I
record it Because I'm like whatare people going to think of me
?
But I know I have to do it andso I do it.
The other part is that thelonger that the walls stay up,
(16:13):
the harder it is to heal.
Breaking habits take courageand intentionality.
And then, lastly, emotionalwalls create health problems.
So you can have high bloodpressure, you can have again
anxiety, you can have heartdisease, weakened immunity and
(16:35):
then we know that chronicemotional tension creates strain
on the mind and the body.
As I said earlier, buildingthose walls what it did for me,
it took on many physicalailments, it took on emotional
ailments.
So then I guess the question isokay.
We know that building wallscreates all of these unhealthy
(16:57):
things.
So where do we go from here?
And the first step is torecognize and dismantle the
barriers or bricks that hinderthe emotional freedom, and that
takes courage.
In AA or Celebrate Recovery,which a basically a focused,
biblical 12 step program, theygive you 12 steps to freedom.
I'm not going to go over all ofthem today, but whether you
(17:21):
suffer from addiction orself-protection and you're an
emotional wall builder, theteachings are all the same and
I'm going to link the websiteand the 12 steps in the podcast
link for you to reference.
But I just want to go throughthe first five.
The first one, and again,they're the same in AA as they
(17:41):
are in Celebrate Recovery.
These are applicable whetheryou're an addict or where you're
an emotional wall builder.
And the first one is we admittedwe were powerless over our
addictions and compulsivebehaviors, that our lives have
become unmanageable.
You've got to be able to admitthat there's a problem.
That's the very first step.
The second one is we came tobelieve that a power greater
(18:04):
than ourselves could restore usto sanity.
This Bible verse, philippians2.13, says this For it is God
who works in you to will and toact according to his good
purpose.
God is the one that can helpyou through this.
And then, three, we made adecision to turn our lives and
our wills over to the care ofGod.
(18:24):
That's a hard one, so surrender.
Number four we made a searchingand fearless, honest inventory
of ourselves.
This one's the hardest, becausethis is the one where you have
to step back and you have tolook at everything that's
happened in your life and gookay, I've built walls because
of this, or I built wallsbecause of that.
(18:46):
Whether they were your fault ornot, they still hinder growth,
and so you've got to do thatinventory, and so I want to
encourage you to do that.
And then, five we admitted toGod, to ourselves and to another
human being, the exact natureof our hurts, hangups and habits
.
Again, if you don't admit, oryou don't recognize, or you
(19:09):
don't even begin to try andsearch for some of these answers
to the issues that you'rehaving, it makes it very
difficult for healing to happen,and so I want to encourage you
to courageously lean into thesefive principles to get you
started on your healing journey,to work to break down the walls
Because, again, remember, wecannot heal what we do not face.
(19:36):
So if what I shared todayresonates with you, know that
you are not alone, and that isone thing that I want everyone
to take from this podcast is toknow you're not alone.
There are many people out therethat are going through these
same things, and so I want toencourage you to subscribe to
Courageous Overcomers and joinour community.
(19:56):
Leave a five-star review thathelps us get hope out faster.
Share this episode with someonewho might need encouragement
today, and, if you have anyquestions, please email me at
tanya at tonyashellnuttcom.
I would love to know whatyou're struggling with and maybe
we can highlight the issue on afuture podcast.
(20:17):
Tune in next Wednesday Sametime, same place.
(20:23):
Have a great week.
Thank you for joining us hereon Courageous Overcomers with
Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
tonyashellnutt.
com or to ask a question aboutanything you've heard on today's
show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
at tonyashellnuttcom.
(20:44):
Remember that'sS-H-E-L-L-N-U-T-T.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone Audio Productions.
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